"Package for you, Your Majesty!"
The Imperial lackey gives Emperor Palpatine, AKA Darth Sidious
(admit it, you know it's true) a wrapped bundle. "Why, it's a gift
from Grand Admiral Thrawn from the Outer Rim. No doubt more exotic
artwork he's discovered." Palpatine greedily tears the paper off. There,
in his hand, rests a curious puzzle box. "I sense the power of the Dark
Side within this," he says. Believing he has discovered some forgotten
Sith artifact, he begins to play with the box.
Suddenly the lights go out in the throne room. The smell of flesh
permeates the air. Chains drop out of nowhere. Suddenly the Sith Master
and ruler of the galaxy... isn't on Coruscant anymore.
"You opened the box. Now you must come with us," says the tall
figure coming out of the shadows. Pins stick out all over the tortured
flesh of his head. Others, also disfigured, emerge from the darkness.
"Our lord Leviathan demands that you be molded into his perfect order to
be brought into harmony with Hell."
"I don't think so!" cackles Palpatine. At his side appears Darth
Vader and Darth Maul (hey, this is Hell after all... where do you
think he went to? A half-off sale?) Vader ignites his lightsaber
while Maul switches on his dual blades. Pinhead and the Cenobites begin
arming themselves with various hooks, chains, etc.
So, in this desperate delusion brought on from DNS destruction, which will win: the demons or the Darths?
The Cenobites
versus
The Sith
NOTE: Because this quick-fix is basically a one-man operation, I have sacrificed my court-ordered dosage of Haliperidol so that my evil multiple-personality could come out and offer opposing commentary. Please welcome... Killer BOB!
Killer BOB: through the darkness of future past, the
magician longs to see. One chants out between two worlds... FIRE WALK
WITH ME!
Chris: Ummmm... okay. Maybe going off that Haliperidol
wasn't such a good idea.
Killer BOB: Do you like to play with fire?
Chris: Hey, stop that! That's the Episode I beach towel my sister gave me for finally graduating college. Put down that match... AAAARRGGHHH!!! Quick somebody call 911!
Unfortunately, choosing the winner is just about ALL you can do!
What, you think a guy like me would bother to do a CGI script for this
half-baked page? You should be so thankful that there's even this
much to get you through the night!
To prevent looting, general distress, etc. in light of this
catastrophe, we at WWWF are pleased to announce that Mister T has arrived
with his retinue to patrol the streets and maintain order at this time.
Curfew is still in effect. Mister T has been authorized to act against
violators with extreme prejudice...
Force-choke out what life is left in
The Cenobites (2 - 20%)
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*sigh* So, this is really what its come to,
huh?
I really must praise the excellent illustration work though. Let me see,
Darth Vader (I assume that's supposed to be Darth Vader) is about to hit
Palpatine over the head with a curling iron while an armless Darth Maul
laments over the sadly flaccid state of his dual-lightsabre. We need some
Viagra in here, stat!
And then there's the Cenobites. At least you can tell which one is
supposed to be Pinhead, he's the one who resembles a basketball undergoing
acupuncture. I'm not even going to hazard a guess as to what the guy in
the sunglasses is suppposed to be.
And oh, the match! Sith win.
- Don "King" Milliken
As a football fan I tend to hold to the Any Given Sunday Model (not a
Shameless Movie PlugTM, Oliver Stone sucks eggs), so I
tend to avoid citing precedent, but The CBUB’s classic Scooby Doo Gang vs.
Hellraiser is the key to Cenobites vs. Sith.Imagine for a moment
that the Scooby Doo kids went up against Vader, Palpatine and Maul. Then
imagine that somehow the impossible happened, and they actually got the
Sith Big Three to fall into one of their Rube Goldberg traps, you know,
the ones that just about always catch Shag and Scoob as a bonus? Now, come
a few more steps with me: The gang rushes over to the entrapped Dark Jedi
for the triumphant unmasking. When Freddie grabs hold of that respiration
helmet and plants his foot on Vader’s shoulders for leverage, which result
do you think is most likely?
A.Lightsaber enema.
B.Vivisection by
lightsaber
C.“Telekinetic strangle” (powered by the Dark SideTM!) on the family jewels, reducing them to pulp and
reducing Fred to a quivering mass only capable of screaming pleas for
death, which is then mercifully granted via answer A or B. Similar horrors
simultaneously visited rest of those meddling kids and their dog. If
there’s any justice at all, Scrappy Doo and all the Scooby Movie guest
stars are present.
It’s your vote, kids, though I personally find option
C much too graphic for Cartoon Network. Anyhow, I think you’ll agree that
if that’s what would happen to people who beat the Cenobites, then the
Cenobites are certainly out of their league. The Emperor will probably
push those pins all the way in before fricasseeing Pinhead with those
electric bolts. Maul will handle that funny-shaped-head guy with a classic
spin-dodge-parry-hack-slash-dice-chop-julienne maneuver. As for Vader and
the fat guy with the shades…did I mention that Vader knows that Palpatine
loves pork rinds?
- Mr. Silverback-Clive Barker
Well, this is a cool fight, I'll admit that. Here's my
Pro-Con Analysis on the combatants:
CENOBITES:
PROS:
- Being horror film characters, they have a certain amount of
invincibility.
- Pinhead has joined the high ranks of Freddy and Jason as the
recognizable villains of our time.
- They're from Hell. That's gotta be a few points.
- They're all freakish mutants. Everyone loves freakish mutants.
- Can be released by something as simple as a puzzle box.
CONS:
- They're from a currently limp series of horror films that should have
ended once the first was over.
- Pinhead is an obvious masochist with all the damn pins in his head.
- While Pinhead is popular, most people couldn't give a rat's ass
about the others.
- All they kill are hapless teenagers stupid enough to mess with the
puzzle box.
- Currently the only horror icons defeated by the Scooby-Doo gang.
THE SITH:
PROS:
- Emperor Palpatine was once a senator. That oughta give him a range of
impunity.
- Darth Vader is the most popular in the Star Wars films as the guy most
Warsies dress up like. If the Cenobites take a swing at Vader and hit,
they'll find they just nailed a black-cloaked weirdo packing a plastic
lightsaber.
- Do I really have to mention the Force?
- Sidious, Maul, Vader... Real kickass nicknames.
- They can pretty much only be defeated by others that use the Force.
CONS:
- Emperor Palpatine may be able to handle a lightsaber, but he'll
always be a heart attack waiting to happen.
- Darth Vader's embarrassment after being played by Jake "Jingle All the
Way" Lloyd in Episode I.
- Darth Maul carries a double lightsaber. If you try to hold one of those
like a normal sword you'll get a saber through your liver. How do you think
Maul was chopped in half? By young Obi-Wan? Right.
- The Sith-Produced Death Star is about as durable as a 500-year old
china doll used as a baseball bat.
- The Sith-Employed Storm Troopers have low intelligence and bang their
heads on doorways.
The way I see it, Palpatine plucks the pins from Pinhead's head
until it is deflated. After killing about seven fake Darth Vaders, two
Cenobites find the real one. They also find a saber decapitating them. The
rest of the Cenobites mistake Maul for Pinhead in make-up with all those
pointy things sticking out of his head. They get their asses kicked.
Sure, the Cenobites are from Hell, but the Sith have the Force,
lightsabers, and a bigger cult following than "Hellraiser" could EVER
imagine having.
- -Charge Man-
If you only have two responses (GOLD and SILVER)
and all responses are put in the order they are recieved, if I were to
just send one in I'd get BRONZE, right? Hope so... anyway, I've never
seen Hellraiser, so I'll vote for the Sith... yeah...
- ~Chewy Walrus
Interim Poobah's note: sorry Chewy, your reponse was
fourth, but as you can see, as in any other emergency situation, we
are being as charitable as we can be until the supplies run out. Enjoy
your ROTWCZG! (all for only $19.95)
CENOBITES:
So on the Sith side, we have the Ted Bundys and Jeffrey Dahmers, and the
Charles Mansons of the universe...
The result is easy -
- Scott J.
Interim Poobah's note: we have it on good authority from sources
deep within Lucasfilm that Darth Maul's real name is Khameir Sarin.
Though anyone named after nerve gas probably *had* to become something
twisted like a Sith Lord. Props for hitting on this point!
- Lost in Kansas
However, I think Killer BOB will probably beat Chris in the flaming
towel fight.
As for Mr Silverback, I think Scooby-Doo and the gang could take Darth
Vader, too. C'mon. They may not have the RAGE (tm) but they have the
Retro (pat. pend.) and that has to impart Mentos (tm) level coolness.
- Field Marshal J A Dusty
Sayers, O.St.D.
The Cenobites: Invented the Rubik’s Cube, a simple harmless toy that makes
for loads of clean family entertainment. Let me show you. See, turn here,
twist here, and walla, this side is all red. Oops, well this side is still
a little mixed up so let me rearrange it a bit. There. All done... what
the... this was red a second ago. OK, no problem, let me just make a few
more adjustments. &%@*! OK, if I do this and this and this... AARRGHH!!!
The Cenobites win. Palpatine just can't compete with that level of evil.
- Paul G.
Bottom line:
Pinhead's spiky melon gets a nice new home in the Death Star sewing
room.(yeah, like those officers don't need some uniform repairin' every
now and then).
-Shaft
Interim Poobah and Evacuation Manager's note: Shaft
gets the
elusive ROTFCTM(tm) Grudgie because, even in the midst of the crisis, he pre-formatted with HTML! At this late hour (2 a.m.) that had to go recognized somehow :-)
- Christopher Kintz
with apologies to Gordon Lightfoot for mangling
The legend lives on from the Deathmatch on down
The page was the pride of the American side
The hooligans below made a rioting sound
When suppertime came Silverback came on deck sayin'
Does anyone know where the love of Grudge goes
Godzilla roars, Village People sing
In a musty old restroom somewhere they prayed,
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
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Let's do a Rage (tm) analysis:
SITH:
1) Vader - Deadbeat dad who used to be a slave, who now has an ax to
grind over his mom getting bought, sold, and traded like a Sammy Sosa
baseball card.
2) Darth Maul - The name pretty much sums it up here. A horned,
tattooed martial artist with a double-edged lightsaber...Hmmmm...and
wouldn't *you* be pretty cheesed if you had that dental problem? And
since the Sith have to adopt "creepy" names, his real name is probably
Chester Irving Mankenewich - and was probably teased as a kid
unmercifully. We know what happens to *those* kids, right?
3) Emperor Palpatine - A million years old, low-fiber diet, no prune
juice, no Viagra (c)....you do the math here.
1) Pinhead - Could easily take over the entire mortal realm if it wasn't
for That Darn Box (tm). First step - gotta get the puzzle box. All the
SIth have to do is play a game of "Keep Away", and he'll tire out and
return to his Netherworld to spout more prosaic dialogue...
2) Chatterer - Nothing but a cheap thug in the Cenobite Cosa Nostra.
He and Darth Maul could discuss Orthodontics...
3) Butterball - He's fat, he grunts, and he picks his navel.
While the Cenobites have a Poetic Nerd, a muscleman, and the Netherworld
equivalent of *Al* Bundy.
The Emperor forces them all back to Hell with the box. The Sith enjoy a
quiet meal of Chicken Wings and popcorn shrimp.
Sith win hands down.
The picture Chris drew of them is cooler.
I have to say that the Lords of the Sith should win this one hands down
because (A) I know who they are, and (2) everyone else is voting for them.
(and if you don't know what kudzu is, you ain't a proper
Southerner, y'all!)
Emperor Palpatine: Enslaved an entire galaxy. Turned a pure innocent child
who loves his mommy into a monster that would kill his teacher who wasn't
even defending himself, would torture and kill his own children if he
could and chokes people from across the room for a hobby. Destroys entire
planets with a smile. So evil that he hasn't bathed or performed any
personal hygiene in 50 years and looks like a chew toy.
Well, Pinhead and the gang are apparently dependent upon the
not-so-awesome power of the Rubix Cube(tm). I've seen these things solved
by people with their eyes closed and with the cube behind his/her back.
Now, turning off a lightsaber.... that I haven't figured out yet. Is
there a button, is it all a mind trick, what? So if I tried to turn off a
lightsaber behind my back, I'm guessing that within 30 seconds, I would be
several appendages short of what I started out with. The point is that
lightsabers are just too powerful to reckon with.
Ooooh. Toughie.
METHODS OF DESTRUCTION
Cenobites: Can rip opponents apart with chains that appear out of
thin air. And you don't want to see what they can do with a bloody
mattress.
Sith Lords: The Emperor can hurl lightning bolt from his hand,
Vadar can use The Force to crush your windpipe from across the room, and
Maul is Jackie Chan with a full-face tatoo and double-bladed
lightsaber.
PAST OPPONENTS:
Cenobites: Was defeated by the gang from Scooby Doo.
Sith Lords: Was defeated by the likes of Jar-Jar Binks and
Ewoks.
ALLIES:
Cenobites: The minions of Hell, such as those horrible Hell-Beasts
from Hellraiser 2, and, presumably, legions of lawyers.
Sith Lords: Well, one can assume that when George Lucas dies
and is condemned to Eternal Damnation for ending The Return Of The
Jedi with those saccharine-sweet Ewoks, he can help them out.
But, in the meantime, they're on their own.
HOBBIES:
Cenobites: Tearing souls apart. Torturing victims and
dragging it out for eternity.
Sith Lords: Conquering a galaxy far, far away.
Building planet-destroying superweapons which is always blown up by those
plucky rebels.
TURF:
This match is taking place in Hell, and the Cenobites are the home
team. And, let's face it, if you kill the Cenobites here, they'll
just reincarnate.
THE WINNER...
Vader will use The Force to crush Pinhead's throat, just to find out
Pinhead doesn't breath, per se. And The Emporer's lightning bolts
just aren't very effective on the Cenobites. The only real threat
is Maul, who will quickly find himself immobilized and pulled twenty
different ways at once by a phalanx of chains that flash out of the
darkness. Pinhead will use Butterball and The Chatterer as human
(?) shields while Vader decapitates both of them. Vader and the
Emporer will both find themselves trampled to death by a thousand
criminal defense attorneys that Pinhead summoned from the deepest darkest
pits of Hell.
While the Sith Lords are evil (with a little "e"), the
Cenobites are Evil (with a big "E").
The Wreck Of The Website Ground-Zero
by Chris "Jedi" Knight
"The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald"
of the homepage they called "Sockit Tomee"
The link, it is said, never fails to goes dead
When the DNS server goes 'blooey
With a load of blood gore, twenty-six thousand geeks more
Than the website Ground-Zero weighed empty
That good site and true was a page to be chewed
When the crash of Two-Thousand came early.
with a 'Nuck or two on for good measure
As the dork pages go she was Dork-er than Some
with a Shane, a Poobah and Thinkmaster,
concluding terms between Santa and union firms
when they picked up Mister T in Cleveland.
And later that night when FTP crashed
Could it be Y2K they'd been feelin'?
and chihuahuas flew over the railing.
And ev'ry Grudgie knew, as Paul did so too
'twas the witch of Two-Thousand come stealin'.
The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
when the CGI script went a'crashin'.
When afternoon came the server froze 'gain
in the face of a database smokin'.
"Fellas, it'd be good to see ya."
At seven P.M. then Half-Nelson broke in; he said,
"Fellas, it's bin good t'know ya!"
Then Paul wired in he had servers crashin' in
and the good page and staff was in peril.
And later that night when 'er links went outta sight
came the wreck of the website Ground-Zero.
when the wait becomes minutes then hours?
The browsers all say 'twas no page to be found
only "four-o'-fours" now are behind 'er.
They might have broke up or they might have been hacked
Or forgot to pay server providin'
And all that remains are the matches of the past
of the Steves and the Sams and the Brians.
held captive somewhere in Montana.
The Predator screams, as defeat makes him steam;
7 of 9's only for sportsmen.
And farther below Delta Quadrant's 'ho
MASH takes what Toy Story can send them
Now the Roaches and Rats go but the Grudgies will know
with the crash of Two-Thousand remembered.
at the "Grudge Match Forever Cathedral".
The church bell chimed 'til it rang twenty-nine times
For each day without website Ground-Zero
The legend lives on from the Deathmatch on down
of the homepage they called "Sockit Tomee"
The link, it is said, never fails to goes dead
When the DNS server goes 'blooey!
Darth Maul v. Connor MacLeod
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