World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

In his small, dank basement somewhere on the upper peninsula of Michigan, Cliff Hoffa works steadily. On his personal computer he is cranking out illegal copy after illegal copy of a bootleg program called Mickey's (tm) Windows (tm) '96 for Kids. Strewn around the room are yet-to-be assembled boxes featuring the undeniable images of Mickey Mouse himself as well as the Windows '95 icon. "This thing is making me rich!" he mutters to himself. You see, Cliff has already made over $100,000 on this little scheme of his.

Then comes a loud knock at the door. Cliff Hoffa is never heard from again.

A few anonymous witnesses report two sets of what appeared to be "hired goons" removing Mr. Hoffa forcibly from his home, although most of the neighbors denied seeing "anything unusual". Coincidentally, the next day, both Microsoft, Inc. (tm) and the Walt Disney Corporation (tm) file suit against Hoffa's estate claiming that they deserve the $100,000 in profits.

And thus the legal battle begins. Splitting the money is NOT an option. Only one conglomerate will come away with the ill-gotten funds. But which?

Microsoft Disney

Microsoft

vs.

Disney

The Commentary

STEVE: Well, both of these corporate giants are notorious for their vicious legal attacks on those who trespass into their trademarked property. Neither is going to give up without a fight. It's going to be a long, drawn-out battle -- even longer than the OJ precedings, if that is physically possible. However, in the end, Microsoft's lawyers will end up with the money.

There are two primary reasons for this. The first is the intrinsic nature of Microsoft's computer business. With their zillions of copies of Windows 95 (tm) ("Last year's operating system") and Word (tm), they will be able to produce vast amounts of useless legal documents, writs, contracts, precedents, and Legal Hogwash (tm). Paper company stock prices will skyrocket. The effect will be that the court will be so swamped with useless paperwork that they may just decide it's not worth it to continue fighting. Disney will give up in disgust, unable to counter with truckloads of Mickey Mouse (tm) watches and Donald Duck (tm) floatation rings.

In addition, it wouldn't surprise me if the courtroom computers themselves use Windows 95 (tm). A little known feature of this OS is that it is unable to process legal documents in which Microsoft loses. Hence, even with a decision against Microsoft, the computers will print out that Microsoft won. Victory to Microsoft!

BRIAN: As usual, Steve, you only analyze half the story. True, the Microsoft barage of paper will help clog up the legal proceedings. But if we learned ANYTHING from the O.J. Trial (tm) it was that judges today are becoming more and more intolerant of time delaying tactics and irrelevant displays; Microsoft's scheme will only push the judge towards Disney's side. Also, courtroom computers are irrelevant. Sure, top notch Southern California courtrooms may have computers, but I don't think the upper penisula of Michigan is that well stocked (and I don't see this civil trial being moved out of the county). Nothing there but old ladies on those really small, skinny typewriters.

What's the real factor here? Money? No. It's principle. We're talking about $100,000 here! That's peanuts to these guys!! When it comes down to money, Microsoft is the king of evil. Everyone on the internet knows this. But Bill Gates didn't get where he is with foolish investments; clearly the hundred grand isn't worth the legal costs it would take to get it. Microsoft's efforts will be half-hearted and will fall well short of Disney's. Why? Because Disney is led by principal. They won't stand for the fact that anyone uses their name and image illegally. They once sued a national scouting organization for trademark infringements! (True story!) That is hardly a money making scheme. Disney wins out simply because they want it more, even though they end up losing money in the deal.

STEVE: Brian, you were right about Microsoft being evil. Too right. However, this evil extends so far that Microsoft will indeed win. You see, Bill Gates (The "Head Honcho" of Microsoft) is none other than Satan himself. Do I sense some disbelief? Behold the evidence! It is irrefutable. Bill Gates and his lawyers ("minions") will make legal mincemeat out of Disney.

Keep in mind that this is not the friendly "Ned Flanders" Satan, and this lawsuit is no simple "Forbidden Donut". Not only does Satan want the money that is rightfully his, but he wants to do away with those do-gooder cartoon characters as well. The Disney characters are known for spreading joy to children. This is something Microsoft cannot stand for. Instead they prefer underhanded acts such as "General Protection Faults" and sub-moronic childrens computer games. It is even possible that Microsoft will attempt an additional lawsuit against Disney, claiming Disney has stolen the "look and feel" of Windows. Gates will not stop until Disney is defeated!

BRIAN: That little "proof" of yours is cute, Steve, but woefully irrelevant. Let's just say that Gates is, in fact, Beelzebub, Lord of the Underworld (tm). Where your argument falls apart is with the assumption that Satan could defeat Disney! The Omen (tm) movies clearly show that world domination, when attempted by the Prince of Darkness (tm), is doomed to failure. Disney, however, is already well on its way to world domination. Or maybe their creation of a "World" and a "Land" isn't convincing enough for you? When you consider their recent foothold in Europe it is truly frightening. The worst aspect of all: they control our children. What better way to gain control of the world but with subliminal messages fed to an entire generation through mega-movie hits? Have you ever seen "Village of the Damned", Steve? It will be even worse. And when the children begin taking over, Walt Disney himself, who's body has been in deep freeze since his death, will be revived to lead the way to his "Community of Tomorrow" (but this won't be just an "Experimental Prototype"). Surely I can't be the only one that knows about this.

World domination aside, though, Steve, let's consider the legal matters. Gates may get all the press, but he's small time. Disney knows all the tricks. Why, just the other day, I was perusing through their home page and came across this Legal Notice. You have to read this thing just to look at their web page! Imagine what could happen when their copyrights are directly violated!! Oh, the horror!

But the most important thing to remember here is that, regardless of who wins this battle, either of these companies would eat the WWF and its weakling lawyers alive any day of the week!

The Results

Disney (795)

hammers

Microsoft (452)

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Voter Comments

Before we get to the Responses of the Week (tm), we feel it is our obligation to relay this message to everyone first. Note: The following message came from a Microsoft (tm) domain. -Eds.

We, the faithful minions of our Dark Lord, Bill Gates, bow to his Lordship's superiority. Know that as foot soldiers in his quest to conquer the world, mere animated rodents pose no threat to us.

Join us or perish.

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM)

Disney wins, through an astounding legal precedent! Enchanted with the possibilities of virtual reality, the judge decides that the money will go to the victor of a battle in cyberscape. The icons involved (Mickey Mouse and "Window") are scanned and, to be fair, the "Window" is given a more three-dimensional likeness with arms and legs. In the cyberscape battle, each icon has all the powers that its real-life counterpart represents. Window appears to be in good shape with Satan as its parent, wielding the power to slow things down and to copyright anything computer related. Mickey, however, is better equipped for hand-to-hand combat, since he has had arms and legs since birth. The battle begins, and Mickey begins with a simple jab, which knocks out Window's red pane. But Window bounces back quickly, and copyrights Mickey's jab, since the battle is in cyberspace. Unwittingly, Mickey tries the jab again, but finds his arm held back by and unseen copyright law. Window laughs, as much as a window can, but fortunately for Mickey, Window can't seem to use any fighting manuevers that it copyrights. Having trained well, Mickeys soon figures out Window's trick. Knowing that each battle manuever can only be used once before Window copyrights it, Mickey kicks out the yellow pane, and head-butts the blue pane. Although the kick and head-butt are now copyrighted, Window, with only the green pane left, gets worried, and quickly writes a cumbersome program to slow Mickey down. Having run out of physical attacks, Mickey turns to an old friend(?), magic. Although Mickey had little command of the arcane art of spellcasting in Fantasia, he has had much time to practice. He commands a nearby cyberbroom to attack Window. But with everything slowed down, Window dodges easily, and the wayward broom only succeeds in sweeping away the red, blue, and yellow panes of glass from earlier in the battle. Window begins the legal routine of copyrighting the spell, but soon discovers that the slow program it wrote has affected the cyberlawyers, too! "Nnnnnnnnoooooooo!" Window screams as Mickey manages to cast the spell again before it is copyrighted. This time the broom is more crafty, and the green pane is shattered, giving Mickey the victory! The Disney lawyers walk out of the courtroom in a relatively cheery mood, while the Microsoft lawyers stare open-mouthed at the computer screen, stunned to have been beaten on their own turf. Disney takes the $100,000 prize!

- Chris Foster

ROTW (TM) Silver Medal Winner (TM)

Microsoft? HA! Disney? AMATEURS! Neither of them is getting this money. After McDonalds gets involved, they're done for.

Consider the gall a company needs to copyright two letters of the alphabet and then sue people who use it because it's part of their last name. Only McDonalds with their Mc(tm) has ever attempted anything like that. Ever heard of McPizza or McShoes or McComputers? NEVER! Even someone named McDonald can't use an Mc(tm) in their company name because McDonalds' McLawyers(tm) have legally slaughtered anyone who has ever attempted it.

Now consider this. Microsoft and Disney sue each other and it's splashed all over the press. The McLawyers(tm), who are in a really bad mood after losing the infamous "I burned myself with hot coffee between the legs with no cap in a moving car and I need $5 million case," snap. MiCkey mouse? MiCrosoft? That "i" is an obvious but pathetic attempt to avoid a copyright violation! Within hours, the McLawyers(tm) are in McCourt(tm) and McKicking(tm) McAss(tm). Disney and Microsoft will be happy if they can stay in business, never mind the $100,000. Meanwhile, Ronald McDonald and Grimce McKick(tm) Mickey Mouse's and Bill Gates' McButts(tm). McDonalds claims TOTAL VICTORY!

Scary thought, isn't it?

- Paul Golba

ROTW (TM) Bronze Medal Winner (TM)

"This is Doug Llewellyn on assignment for the WWWF Grudge Match. Today we return to a previous Grudge Match arena: The People's Court. Court is about to come to session; let's listen in."

Rusty: "All rise. The People's Copyright Court (tm) is now in session. The honorable Judge Wapner is presiding." Judge Wapner: "I have read the statements for both parties. I will now listen to your arguments." Bill Gates: "Thanks you, your honor. It is imperative that we be awarded the entirety of Mr. Hoffa's estate..." JW: "Rusty, who's the pimply-faced geek?" BG: "Surely, your honor, you must know who I am?" JW: "No." BG: "I am the best-selling author of `The road ahead', my software runs 90% of the world's computers, I am a God to the world's technophiles..." JW: "`The road ahead'? Computers? Really, Rusty, who's the geek?" BG: "My name is Bill Gates, your honor. I am the founder of Microsoft. One of the plaintiffs in this case." JW: "I see. Where are your lawyers, Mr. Gates?" BG: "They are busy working out the bugs in Microsoft Lawsuit (tm) for Windows 95 (tm). Since it's my company, I'll be representing Microsoft." JW: "Very well. Where is the founder of Disney Inc.?" Disney Lawyer: "Beneath center ice at the Duck Pond (tm) sir." JW: "Center ice?" DL: "Yes, sir. It's where the Mighty Ducks (tm) of Anaheim play hockey in the NHL, sir." JW: "Will Mr. Disney be joining us?" DL: "Uh no, sir. He's in a cryogenic state, awaiting medical advances that will enable doctors to revive him." JW: "Does Disney have anyone present who is able to make a statement?" Michael Eisner: "Yes, your honor. That would be me. I am Michael Eisner, CEO and annoying busybody (tm) of Disney Inc." JW: "Tell me, Mr. Eisner, why is Disney interested in siezing the assets of the Hoffa estate?" ME: "Disney wishes to maintain the strictest control over the quality of any product bearing the Disney name. We have the exclusive worldwide rights to crappy products with the Disney name; if anyone else starts to produce crap under our banner, we'll be forced to improve the quality of our products. The loss of our monopoly would reduce attendance at our theme parks and jeopardize development plans for Antarctica Disney (tm)." JW: "Mr. Gates, why is Microsoft staking a claim to Mr. Hoffa's estate?" BG: "Because Microsoft is a megalomaniacal corporation, wishing to rule the entire software world." JW: "In English..." BG: "We're assholes, your honor." JW: "Mr. Eisner, do you have any more arguments to present?" ME: "Yes, your honor, we do. Disney owns the ABC (tm) television network and we have a signed affadavit from the Nielsen (tm) family stating that we are `America's most watched network' (tm)." JW: "Mr. Gates, do you have anything to add?" BG: "Your honor, we have reached a deal with the NBC network which is a small stepping stone before we acquire the network outright. Given our iminent network ownership status, we are willing to have this entire suit settled by having Maria Shriver mudwrestle against Barbara Walters." JW: "That won't be necessary, I've reached my verdict. The entire Hoffa estate is awarded to CBS because Angela Lansbury gives me a woody..."

Doug Llewellyn: "There you have it folks, another surprising decision on The People's Court (tm)."

- Hotbranch!

Microsoft will win this battle. Why? Two reasons. 1. Microsoft is in court every day so they have experience. 2. Microsoft will fool Disney by telling them this Mickey OS is bunk and that they (Microsoft) aren't interested. Then, right when Disney goes to claim victory, Microsoft will have conveniently already come out with their own OS called Milky '96 that suspiciously has all of the features of the Mickey OS. Milky '96 will reap untold fortunes after 7 billion beta releases are thoroughly tested.

-JAGRmeister

True, both are evil conglomerates. However, even Bill Gates (TM) is not as evil as Michael Eisner (TM). Bill will end up floating under the Pirates of the Caribbean (TM) ride next to Uncle Walt's popsicle corpse.

- Heather >:)

Simple. MS is still burning at their inability to trademark the term "Windows". That fire in the belly has driven them since to an incredible string of courtroom victories despite weak positions of principal again and again. Even a supposed 'sanction' by the Justice department for free trade violations was really a MicroSoft victory in disguise proving that even should Disney somehow win the rights to the $100,000 cash profits, they will awake the following week to notice the clause in the settlement that grants MicroSoft exclusive rights to all CD-Rom and network publishing of all Disney content and characters for the next century....

Just ask Apple...

- Dr. Mel Martinez
  The Johns Hopkins University
  Dept. of Physics

You fools! You are both wrong, neither will win, because you are both correct. While Steve's evidence is indeed irrefutable, he made one small error. Gates is what the Christians refer to as "the Beast," not Satan himself. (the bearer of the number is the Beast, the son of Satan, sent to dominate the world for his dark lord - see the Book of Revelations or spin any microsoft CD-ROM in reverse for more info.)

Brian has a valid point about old frozen Walt. His logic fell a bit short, however. While Old Walt is returning to take over our children's minds, Brian failed to realize that his true form is that of Lucifer himself!

Lucifer would never destroy his son. Thus, after destroying the state of Michigan's court system, Microsoft and Disney will anounce a merger. Thereafter, Gates (i.e. the Beast) will revive Walt (i.e. Daddy) and together they will do battle against the savior (Apple computer: note the garden of Eden is in Northern Ca - the damn apple is still there, with a bite out of it no less!).

Buy Macs you fools before we are all doomed!!!

- David Kenzer

Having never used Windows 95 and Windows even until recently (I'm a Mac and Amiga kid, what can I say)...I have to give this to Disney. Why? Is it their tenacity that causes them to sue nursery schools and daycare centers that put their characters on their walls? Is it their megalomaniacal drive that lets them overtake civil war battlefields and parts of France (ok, that was pretty cool because a pissed off Frenchman is damn funny...thanks Walt!)? No...its one reason. Confronted by the Devil himslef in Gates (lets face facts, he used the Rolling Stones in the Windows 95 ad...themselves the band that claimed they were the devil's band)...Uncle Walt will rise from his cold storage and return to life! Already obsessed by a death fetish (It's true TM!) he will rally his legions forth to Golgotha, the Skull Place (soon to be Skull Village TM after this little Armageddon thing is over) to overtake Satan and his minions. Oh, for sure, there will be losses (Pluto valiantly dies destroying the main OCP) and it looks like Disney is on the ropes...but Bill Gates forgot one thing: DISNEY MADE TRON! He is but a program and they are the maker! When those light cycles and tanks come barrelling out, led of course by Mr. Toad, it'll all be over. Plus, Uncle Scrooge has enough money to cover any messy legal battle. So, all in all, its Disney taking over...and I make the mad loot by teaching evryone how to use a Mac, as IBM dies without the Windows OS.

BTW-All reference to Disney and Microsoft are COPYRIGHT their respective owners! I don't need sued...I'm just a humble apprentice art director with nary the cash to even eat ramen noodles!

- Marcadv

I think that after many hours of soul searching, I had to put my money on Disney. They at least do SOMETHING worthwhile for kids (That is, if you want to call Pocahontas worthwhile).

Rick!

I gotta give it to disney by a long shot, i think microsoft will be too busy stealing Ideas from the geiniuses at macintosh that they won't be able to give it their all in court. Eventhough Disney will be invoved in the bitter Mikey-Minnie divorce case where Minnie was said not to be "damn crazy, but F&@#$ing Goofy", Disney will still be able to pull it off by having Elmer Fudd Blow off that satanic bill gates's head.

-D. Kolnick

Editor's Note: Elmer Fudd (tm) is actually Warner Brothers (tm), not Disney (tm). Of course, maybe you assume that Disney (tm) has the proper connections which is probably a correct assumption.

It is clear that you have forgotten one very important fact in the Disney-Microsoft dispute, and that is that all of Disney's lawyers use Microsoft Office 4.2.1 for Macintosh (tm) which, as any mac user knows, has been riddled with bugs and designed to take up 5 times as muich RAM as needed in order to force mac users to go out and buy PCs, and thus Windows 95 (tm) ("the OS that uses way the hell too much memory"). When the Disney legal team tries to respond to the paper deluge of Microsoft, their macs will crash and their files will mysteriously becme Corrupted (tm). Microsoft wins by default!

- David Nix

First of all, let's abandon any hope of seeing this thing resolved in the court room. The two empires' lawyers, by themselves numbering beyond the comprehension of the most advanced supercomputers, will bring in tons and tons of legal documents, and in so doing create a heap of matter so large that it collapses beneath its own gravity well to form a black hole. Let's give these two conglomerates a big hand for such exemplary work in getting rid of lawyers.

But, with the legal arena unavailable, the fight becomes ugly. Disney, using its animatronics[TM] technology and the resources of its subsidiary, Cyberdine Systems, will quickly manufacture an army of Terminator-1000's, any one of which can act better than Arnold Shwartzenegger. Unfortunately, all of the things are running under Windoze 95, so they're out of the picture plenty quick. By the time Disney can retrofit its robotic army with OS/2 Warp[TM], the battle will be over. Microsoft soon retaliates with its own robots, manufactured in a large facility that takes up most of Wyoming. (If anyone actually lived in Wyoming, we would have noticed this and shut it down.) Bill Gates, who wisely never upgraded and kept his mechanical infantry running DOS 5.0, sweeps over into California to capture Disney Land. The entire surrounding state is soon under Willy's control. The rest of the nation, overjoyed to be rid of California, quickly sends their children to Quentin Terrentino film festivals to deprogram them from Disney propaganda.

The battle seems all but won as the DOS brigade sweeps through Georgia (with a brutality that recall's General Sherman's march) and approaches the outskirts of Disney World. Epcot is about to fall when Disney pulls its trump card out of a long-forgotten film vault--Tron.

Suddenly, thousands of tiny, plastic-clad, second-rate actors under black lights swarm into the recesses of the Microsoft mainframes. Using cheesy special effects and several highly explosive box office bombs, the William Gibson wannabes destroy Willy G's electronic backbone and bring his war machine to a grinding halt. From there on in, it's only a matter of a few bad song-and-dance numbers to the end of the war.

On to the Long Distance Wars,
--Rosencrantz.

I see it like this: MicroSloth argues that the product being produced by poor Mr. Hoffa was in direct competition with Mac 87 (oops! Windoze 95), at least more so than any Disney product. After a long and tired trial that retires 3 judges, his honor retires to his chambers for a few hours to consider the evidence, although the outcome is never really in doubt (MicroSlobs has had the upper hand for the last 14 months of the trial).

This is when Disney comes into action. You see, the judge's kids visit him in his office and plead with him to rule in favor of Disney. Judge Tim Nance is about to sign into record his decision in favor of MicroSludge when his oldest child grabs his wrist in a grip of iron, and pins him to his chair while his other kids force the Judge to swallow a strange pill and place a most unusual device in his ear.

Minutes later, he walks into the courtroom and awards the 3 million dollars ($100,000 plus the interest gained during the trial) to Disney. The next day he takes his kids to Disneyland, complements of Michael Eisner III, Disney's CEO. He never finds out about the secret mind control devices placed in every Disney doll made since the trial began, and likewise he forgets that anything unusual happened in his office the day before.

- Brian Blovett

I voted for Microsoft because of Bill Gates. If he is Lord of the Underworld than he is far cooler than Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Besides he may end up owning my soul, so why not try and get on his good side?

- Andrew.

I did not cast a vote in this WWWF grudge match. The reason is, quite simply, that neither Microsoft nor Disney will win.

The reason why is quite simple. Apple Computer will file countersuits in this case faster than Johnie Cochran can say "look and feel." Apple's legal department can't stand it when a big court case comes up and they're not involved. They have the best trained, most vicious lawyers in the industry. (You think Disney's legal notices are rough? Try reading the one Apple ships with System 7.5.1.) You see, Apple will sue because Mickey Mouse is 'obviously' a copyright infringement on Apple's new Mac OS 'happy face' logo (in System 7.5.1), and Windows '95 is 'obviously' Microsoft's thinly-disguised copy of Macintosh System 6.0.8.

The sad part about this tale is that the case will never, ever, reach a conclusion. By the time Judge Ito (yes, he will be selected for this one) reaches a decision, the Mac OS logo, Windows '95, and Mickey Mouse's image will all have been updated to newer, better versions, making any decision on the case impossible.

The Mac OS logo included with System 8.1.4 will look strangely like a half-completed morph of Donald Duck and Bill Gates. Windows '97 will be released in May 1988 (shipping on 9 CD-ROM installer discs) and will look and feel exactly like Macintosh System 7.1. Mickey Mouse's image will change to reflect the times -- he'll be dressing in 'Kurt Cobain Memorial' flannel outfits and Ru Paul inspired wigs.

Eventually public interest in the case will peter out, and the war in the courts will rage on, unnoticed, for millenia to come.

- Russ Arcuri

P.S. Walt Disney was NOT frozen after he died -- he was cremated.

So YOU say...

I'm afraid I'll have to vote for Disney (tm) in this legal Clash of the Titans (tm). The deciding factor will be the Annoying Disney Theme Song (tm). The Disney lawyers, proudly led by a host of comical characters, will march into the courtroom, playing "It's a Small World After All" (tm) OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! The Microsoft lawyers, as well as the judge, jury, everyone else in the countroom, and most of the residents of the neighboring states would flee, shrieking, to somewhere where Disney (tm) does not yet have a firm presence. Like Africa. The case would go the the Supreme Court (tm) where the justices would rule in favor of Disney (tm) before they could start playing that ANNOYING SONG!!! AAAAAAA!!!!!

- Mike Jackson

Disney will and should win becouse I am a full fledged member of the afore mentioned disney hiearchy. Walt is a kind man (we have "communicated" on several occasions) and mickey will make a great vice-monarch. and I will thouroughly enjoy singing the national anthem "Its a small world after all". If war time should come I will join Goofy's battallion and Fight the evil looney tunes. The day is coming so be prepared to join lord disney in the conquest of the planet.

- Drexel

The short and sweet of it, sports fans- Walt Disney will arise from his "mostly dead" cryogenic slumber (urban myth or no) and proceed to rip off his own arm and beat the piss out of Bill Gates with it. Legality means nothing when some dethawed fascist freak is kicking your ass.

My prediction; based on the above: Gates is mopping puke up from the dark interiors of Space Mountain within a month;)

- Tengu:<>

While I will not dispute that Bill Gates most likely rules over his own little corner of hell, that little corner is just that...little. Disney, on the other hand, is a lumbering monster with designs for taking over the entire planet. They have proven that they can run with Gates in causing misery to computer users (The Lion King Interactive storybook CD-Rom more than proved that). Plus, they also have the reach and power to dominate the hearts and minds of people all over the planet. Tell me, which do you find more endearing, a cute mouse or a young geek. I think most people would take the mouse.

And that's just the beginning of Disney's insidiousness. No one seems to care that they sue at the slightest provocation while stealing stories from other writers (yes, The Lion King was stolen from Japan). Meanwhile, Disney buys up movie companies (Did you know that Color of Night and Pulp Fiction were Disney flicks?) and T.V. stations. Not only that, but they are building their theme-park/staging centers all over the planet. When Disney Moscow shows up, we're doomed! Just wait for the blacksuited minions in mouse-ears to come streaming out of those parks to conquer the planet. You know, those spires on Cinderella's castle look suspiciously like missiles. They're going to take over the world and force everyone to be happy all the time under penalty of death.

I don't care what legal power or paper avalanches Microsoft uses, they can't fight Disney. Disney has already brainwashed most of the planet. Save yourselves. Warner Brothers forever!

- Alan Decker

Now that the Disney ABC merger is completed, how can there be a question. They control the ether. They own TV programming, the networks that carry it, the cable systems that carry it. When the internet is accessible through cable they will control that too. Can the hearts and minds of jurors and the judge not be subject to their subliminal attacks. Only if a jury and judge can be assembled who are childless and, and, (I can't do italics here) hate Roseanne. Where can such a jury be found?

- Edward B. Cohen

Well, Bill Gates (Satan) may be lord of the underworld, but Disney seems to be lord of this plain. I totally agree that he is awaiting his comeback to rule this world...possibly in a cybernetically enhanced form i.e. The Lawnmower Man. Beware Disney, don't mess with the mouse.

- Chris Varnadoe

Disney convinces us that in order to enjoy ourselves we need to fly halfway across the country, and pay a fortune to stay at THEIR hotels, and then pay to go the THEIR parks.

I'll admit its fun as anything, but Microsoft isn't even in the same marketing level. How many competitors do they have for OS as opposed to Disney who has how many? When it comes to P.R. Disney has them beat.

So when Judge and Jury walk in they already know who the favorite is, but when-ever things look like they're going bad for Disney, Eisner is going to have them pump in the sound-track of Disney's Greatest hits at a subliminal level. How can anyone NOT remember the good old Disney flicks and feel that yes, they _should_ get the money from the screen saver of Bambi's mother getting shot by the hunter with the M-16.

As a final tactic, whenever Microsoft gets up to speak Disney will pipe in "Its a Small World After All" ad-infinitum, thus garenteeing the Judge and Jury will be annoyed and angry.

No contest. Once the Jury goes into deliberations, Disney in 2 minutes.

- mpastreich

Mickey is one tough rodent. He's survived the advent of sound, the vicious attack of Donald Duck, and the brain dead antics of "Clutch Cargo" level tv animation. This has left Mickey one mean dude. Think how Bloom County and Outland attacked Mickey! Where are they now? Didn't Gary Larson poke funny at Disney? Where is he now? Coincidence you say? I Don't Think So!!!

- Donald W. Shinners

Would Satan really manifest himself as such a wuss? Goofy would whip Bill Gates' ass. The final verdict will be for Disney and Bill Gates will be sentenced to a lifetime of riding It's a Small World with non english speaking tourists!!!

- Ted Miller

Witnesses for Disney: Seven cute dwarves, a wooden kid whose nose gets bigger if he lies, a collection of wildlife, and more cute damsels than you can shake a stick at. Witnesses for Microsoft: a pimply geek in an expennsive suit that looks badly tailored (because HE is badly tailored) and about two thousand lawyers and marketing folk that make people itch if you're in the same room as them. Meanwhile, some of those Fatal Attraction folks from Touchstone are spreading the word that Bill Gates has a harem of women that occasionally mysteriously "disappear;" rumor has it, they are killed for their silicon implants. Bill's popularity drops like a stone, and hey, what's more important when it comes to justice: who's right, or who's more likable?

But either way, whoever wins will probably buy the loser. Just because.

- Dave Israel

I think that the technological power of Disney is being underestimated in your comments. Who was it that came up with AudioAnimatronics (TM), made a car fly, and came up with Flubber (TM)? Disney. They are very advanced, but don't go around shouting this to the world like Microsoft does. Remember "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes"? Disney Researchers have been exploring and improving on that technology since the original movie came out, and have now perfected it. Their lawyers are far smarter and faster than anyone Microsoft could come up with, and with the new Networking capabilities recently installed, they will be able to read each others' minds to work in perfect harmony.

- Brent

Disney will win. Bill Gates may be the Prince of Darkness , but Disney had dealings with the original Prince of Darkness. Why, just take a look at "Fantasia"-- the animation of the Devil Himself and his Minions . Who do you think posed for that? Walt had a different face shape and body type. Besides, what is real hell--a crashed OS or a place where everyone must be happy all day--or else.

- lynnmh

You seem to have neglected the deciding factor: The Brain. Long tired of his ultimate plans for world conquest foiled by lack of funds, he has long since teamed up with Bill Gates and Microsoft. The Brain, being reminded of Pinky when he looks at the Disney cartoons, will come up with a Super Destructo Ray (tm) which, with Gates' funding, will annihilate the Disney empire. Brain will then build a robot that looks like Bill Gates, off the original, and run Microsoft himself, taking over the world with a voice mail system in a matter of days.

- Cory Davis

It's simple. Disney is a long veteran of bitter and absurd legal battles.

For example: The Hayes Comission (the Motion Pictures Associate of America) of the early days of cinema once prevented Disney from showing a cow's udders (too lewd)

or consider: Disney v. The Mickey Mouse Mafia Society. Who can forget the first-class drubbing of the Mafia lawyers?

What does Microsoft have?

One squeeker of a win in the "look and feel" litagation war.

A spanking from the Commerce department.

The road ahead may be full of convient information access brought to you by Microsoft, but for now its a Disney world.

- William Li

While all of us who work with computers every day have been sidetracked by watching microsoft's every move, disney has been taking over the real world. The computer industry is small potatoes.

- William Eckman

Both of these corporations are fairly nasty - I'm surprised that WWWF has the audacity to say that. You may even be right about BG being the Antichrist. The moves by MS to buy the Catholic Church weren't just hot air. MS has been experimenting with bio-implants for the last ten years, and have developed a chip that can be implanted inside a human foetus. When the baby is born, it will be fluent in DOS and fully Windows-compatible. Hence the merger with the Catholic Church - BG will shortly issue a statement condemning birth control (as "encouraging Un-American immorality") with the result that there will be a generation of people believeing that Bill Gates is the Supreme Being, buying MS products (as holy items) and the Catholic Church will be subverted. You can see evidence of this in the ever-decreasing average age of the programmer, the tendency of babies to go "GUI" rather than "GOO", and Fisher-Price's recent plans to bring out a PC aimed at toddlers (true, if you don't believe me, check it).

- Gideon.

I predict that in the vein of "Beauty and the Beast," "The Rescuers Down Under," and "Sleeping Beauty," the villainous Bill Gates and his Microsoft evil-doers will be forced over a cliff or a waterfall or something. Disney will prevail. They must. It's not just a corporate battle, but a battle for the American ideal that good conquers all.

- The PulpDoggie

Something besides performance decides the outcome. And when anyone uses the phrase "something besides performance" (tm), one company comes to mind - Microsoft. Disney will make a good start by opening "Disney's Computerland" in a quiet part of Wahington near Xanadu, palatial estate of Charles Foster Gates. But quantity, not quality (tm) wins the day. Microsoft creates a new children's cartoon character "Fred the Autoexec", ships 127 million copies of his video, hires the Rolling Stones to sing "Under My Thumb" (tm) in the commercial advertising the video, and drives Disney from children's minds forever. Disney's stock plummets, their lawyers are pulled out of the court case to handle their buyout by Sun, and Microsoft triumphs again.

- Bobby Clarke

Because Microsoft will come out with MSMickey and OldYeller95 and copy everything disney ever did, but backwards compatable.

They're evil evil evil. And the computer I'm using has their software. Damn.

- Dwbergman

Microsoft will win, of course? Why? Even if I ignore the evidence that Bill Gates, no matter how you slice it with ASCII, adds up to 666, look at the awesome power that Windows has in general!

First, Windows successfully ripped off the ease-of-use features of the Macintosh computer. Second, we know that the Mac users are a rebel underground group, still struggling for power. Ever see the comic strips depicting the Mac users as a rival gang? They may try to intervene and sway the decision away from anything connected to the PCs, but they will not win! Gates continues to take ideas from them...long file names, indeed!

after all, why do you think all the files for the programs go under the WIN directory?

- LisMookie

Walt Disney by 21 points. First, some background. The Walt Disney Company cannot leave any element of the control of their Entertainment Dynasty to mere mortals. In order to dry clean "Costumes" at their theme parks they created their OWN dry cleaning company. On the premises. Great pains are taken to keep the illusion of the "magic" -- employees are NEVER seen smoking, eating, carrying a purse, going to or from their worksite. Disney has their OWN transportation system and extensive underground tunnels so that employees magically "arrive."

Much like the hierarchy of the crown in England, only those who are certified, Disney-U-educated, non-dangling-earring-wearing, non-facial-haired, trained Disnified automatons can even discuss or touch any Disney property. NO ONE can handle the "Character Costumes" except the individuals trained and authorized to appear as THE specific character they have been entrusted to represent (...after no doubt signing another hefty release for the privilege). NO ONE entering the Disney "family" (dysfunctional as it may arguably be), whether top-level executive or summer hire daffodil duster does so without extensive schooling at DISNEY University where you memorize hundreds of pieces of trivia, like the fact that the DisneyWorld property is about the size of the island of Manhattan. (Think about THAT for a minute)

Therefore, Disney outweighs MicroSoft in terms of overall REACH, PARANOIA and CONTROL. "Experts" testifying on behalf of Microsoft will see their children come home from school crying because an ACTUAL DISNEY CHARACTER threatened them with never being allowed into Disneyland again. Televisions belonging to MicroSoft sympathizers will have "sad Mickey" faces on them, where before were the laughing, pastel colors of The Disney Channel. Hundreds of "Lion King" videos will mysteriously vaporize after purchase, leaving impressionable young hearts to beg daddy "not to kill Simba anymore."

Bending to family emotional pressure, key witnesses and attorneys studying and researching the case will begin dropping away. But some will be strong. Before long those will begin to go through "Disney Withdrawal," listlessly wandering around America's mini-malls whistling "It's A Small World" and trying to recapture the magic.

You think Disney can't control the information we get from them??? They can turn us off like a faucet. All those years of compiling profiles and databases on every man, woman and child devouring products from the "Happiest Place On Earth" will finally pay off. They've always had the information in case they need to use it.

M - I - C   --  go see if your Mommy's still breathing
K - E - Y   --  why?  Because she's made Mickey very unhappy
M - O - U - S - E

Thanks for the Web Site. I'll be back.

-ESTHERFLO

I say it would end in a draw. Microsoft and Disney would be too smart to waste such a good idea on a paltry little lawsuit. Instead, they would introduce a revamped Microsoft "Mickey" program as a replacement for the ill-fated "Bob" program of '95.

Now, instead of being guided around their computers by some dork named Bob, we are insteaded treated to Mickey and all of his cartoon friends showing illiterate schmucks (or Macintosh users) how to use their PC's.

While neither wins the $100,000 suit, each side makes millions as Microsoft Mickey becomes the biggest-selling software title since "Doom 3 - Puppies and Kittens explode vigorously."

Like the page, keep it up!

Jeff W.

Disney will win for one obvious reason: WALT DISNEY IS A CRYO-NAZI. Yes, we've *all* heard the rumors that Disney was a Nazi, and we *all* know he is frozen somewhere, BUT...in combination, this immortal demagogue and his hideous propaganda machine, the KindlerGentlerPolitik, will have kids drooling. And we all know how destructive kids on a sugar rush are.

True, we see that Gates is Satan. Or is he? Evil ever tries to make itself look cute and fuzzy and nonthreatening. Bill is anything but. But DISNEY...just LOOK how powerful they are! People that would faint about seeing a spider don't think twice when they see HUGE, MUTAGENIC MICE, GIANT TALKING DUCKS WITHOUT PANTS and SEVEN INBRED MIDGETS WITH PICKAXES!!! It's mind control of the worst kind! NO!

But alas, Gates and all his legal might will come to naught, when finally, Disney does a movie about the plight of the farmer in the 1930's "dust bowl"...

..Conan the Agrarian.

We are all damned.

- Mike Farahbakhshian

Disney is full of wickedness and bile. And while I do not debate the true villian-ness that is Mr. Gates (lest he sue me too) there is no way that within one lifetime he could generate the mass of corruption in that fetid swamp of DisneyWorld. They actually had local zoning laws changed so they could build on federally protected land (It's true. Read the Washington Post article from, uh, two summers' back.) Hell, Walt is dead and he still maintains his icy grip on the kingdom he constructed out of the hopes and dreams of innocent children. (Or is Walt dead? He could still be creeping around in the miles of underground tunnels that crisscross his 'amusement parks.') Even you of the WWWF must agree, his technicolor tendrils extend even past the grave.....

- Jack Dracula

(In all honestly, I'm writing this on a Windows '95 (motto: "We already own you. Give up now.") machine, so I am being mentally compelled to write this this way. But I would still agree. Honest.

Disney will win this battle hands down. Microsoft, as you know, can only win a battle in which they are allowed to take over someone else's idea and turn it into a lesser, but more heavily promoted imitation. They will be at a distinct disadvantage in court where they must originate legal arguments against the Walt Disney corporation. If you check your records, I'm sure you'll see that Disney filed suit first, with Microsoft a few hours behind.

But Microsoft may indeed have the last laugh. Look for "Mighty Mouse's (tm) Windows '96 for kids" coming soon to your computer store... once they figure out the codes.

- Brett Roth

There are no if ands or buts about it. Microsoft would/will kill Disney!

While Disney may have a billion children to support them, Microsoft has millions of nerds behind it. With that many nerds it wouldn't be long before somebody perfected MS MouseTrap for Window (TM).

Mickey goes for the cybercheese triggering the bar which comes flying at his neck from behind (SNAP). His neck breaks, he squirms and shakes for a second and Disney is defeated.

Revenge of the nerds V, don't fuck with us mouse!

- Bob Treiger

Unfortunatly I have sided withDisney due to one small factor...popularity. That's right, Disney is a lot more popular than Microsoft. Because of that fact, there will only be one lawyer who will even consider taking the case. Who you ask? Why none other than Lionel Hutz. That's right, you remember the lawyer from the simpsons. As of yet he has not won a single court battle...EVER! He even had to take up a babysitting job just to get money (Thelma and Louise parody). With all this against Microsoft The judge won't even bother reading the case. One look at Bill Gates and he'll automatically give the money to Disney. Walt Disney as a suprise witness. Disney wins in 30 sec.

Ian Martin

Not only will Microsoft[TM] be utterly DECIMATED in court by rapacious yet somehow cuuuuuuuuuute Disney(R) lawyers, Bill Gates[TM] will later be found dead in his multimillion$$ cyberhome in Redmond WA with his eyes hooked open Cockwork Orange style as endless reels of Operation Dumbo Drop play on his 72 inch TV. This is just the first step in Disnney's final plan for world domination. As news of the rival Media Overlord's death breaks, Walt Disney will be resurrected and declared the new messiah. (Actually it'll just be his excellently embalmed corpse attached to an elaborate system of strings and pulleys pulled by Michael Eisner. Aryan UberMaus commandoes will rise from their secret post beneath EuroDisney to put into motion the grand dream of a clean, happy, fairy tale society where you can be joyous and gay and we'll blow your MUTHER#@%^&#ING HEAD OFF IF YOU COME WITHOUT YOUR DISNEY DOLLARS!!!

- Gecko9

The reason I voted for Disney is simple. Although the case appears to be complicated in theory, in reality it is not. There is only one person who matters in the decision, and that is the judge. He will go with Disney because he is going to have a six year old son and 5 year old daughter (being that judges are most often family men, or they wouldn't have the good judgement status) who watch Disney movies more than they spend time using Windows 95. If he was to allow Microsoft to win, then his children would simply be heartbroken, never love him the same anymore and always remember him as the man who killed Mickey Mouse. As a result of these notions of their father, they will be forced to become childhood actors and then live their lives in drugs and the Hollywood lifestyle while making porno flicks for the revamped Disney (which would thereafter be referred to as the Disney Adult Movie Network, or DAMN).

- false god

Okay, let's look at this in a somewhat orderly fashion:

Pre-trial tactics: 
DISNEY: Annoyance factor.  Pipe "It's a Small World" and _Aladdin_ outtakes 
with Gilbert Gottfried into the opposition's bedrooms at 3 am.
MICROSOFT: Messing with financial records, legal briefs, etc. through their
foothold into computer networks.
Advantage: Microsoft, but not by much.

Lawyers:
DISNEY: Akin to the giant squid:  lithe, tricky, omnipresent with its
long tentacles.
MICROSOFT: Like rabid pit bulls, strong and eager to kill quickly.
Advantage: Even.

Public Relations:
DISNEY: Popular with Republicans (sometimes) and the kiddie set.
MICROSOFT: Even a baby knows _at birth_ that they're EVIL!  Eeeeevil! 
Satanic, Republican, Clayton Forrester evil!  They REEK it!
Advantage: Disney.

Intimidation Factor:
DISNEY: Low.  Their mascot's a MOUSE, for Chrissakes!
MICROSOFT: HIGHHIGHHIGHHIGH.  The very name strikes fear into the most
stalwart hearts, albeit for varying reasons.
Advantage: Microsoft.

Support Network:
DISNEY: Millions of kids worldwide, and their parents' pocketbooks.  Scary
costumed animals.  The large anti-Gates contingent (meaning 90% of computer
users).
MICROSOFT: Anything they can mess with on the Net, and similar resources
(e.g. judges they can blackmail with material they find there, or similar:
"Judge, how'd you like the IRS to suddenly find you owe them $3 million in
back taxes?").  Software companies under their thumb; Microsoft is
a master of buyouts.  Can gain support of Windows users by promising to be 
as good as the Macintosh (or the secret program high ranking Microsoft 
officials are given to make Windows '95 actually GOOD).
Advantage: Microsoft, by a nose.

Commentary:
DISNEY: Walt being frozen is an urban myth, Brian!  I thought you knew
better!  Besides which, Microsoft's fighting for principle too: FEAR.
To defeat Disney would be a major feather in their cap, spread their rep.
And what makes you think Microsoft ain't inching towards world domination
just as much as Disney?
MICROSOFT: Steve, your proof did it for me.  Microsoft IS a Satanic
operation, just as much as ol' Lewis Vendredi's store.  Not to mention
the Simpsons evocation, which I've seen can add a LOT to one side or
another.  And while evil never gets ultimate victory, it still gets quite a
few more minor ones along the line.  Look at the '94 elections.
Advantage: Microsoft.

WINNER: Microsoft, leaving Gates with another few dozen souls to add
to his growing collection.

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa

Here are a couple of very good responses that got pushed to the end of the list because they were SO long. We hope you made it this far.

Microsoft in a down-and-dirty, no holds barred, bloody battle! Post trial analysis traces Disney's ultimate doom to the jury selection. The blow-by-blow details follow.

Disney's strategy was to populate the jury with the 5th grade level achievers that always seem to comprise the group of "peers" in such high profile cases. The Disney lawyers were dazzling during the selection process and rebuffed all Microsoft's attempts to seat a juror who actually knew the meaning of the letters "OS". At this point, after searching for those two letters in a computer dictionary, the TV courtroom pundits unanimously agreed that Microsoft faced an uphill battle.

The early and middle stages of the trial completely favored the Disney juggernaut as they steamrolled the Microsoft lawyers. The Disney lawyers relied on name recognition and this point was reinforced by wearing Mickey Mouse ears throughout the trial (Microsoft's objections were overturned). The jurors continually saw those ears on the Hoffa product logo and eventually made the connection! When Disney lawyers noticed an actual gleam in the jurors eyes they pushed for a quick end to the proceedings.

At this point, Microsoft lawyers had only received bovine-like stares from the jury as they pressed their copyright infringement case based on technological grounds. They sensed doom after seeing the twinkle produced by Disney lawyers.

In a frantic all night session Microsoft lawyers were visited by a mysterious stranger who revealed the path to success. The next morning Microsoft lawyers motioned that all further deposition be sealed. The trial was thrown into disarray for several days. Strenuous Disney objections did not quiet even after the disappearance of key team members. Disney was cowered into submission after a few non-vital body parts arrived at Disney headquarters and disturbingly accurate rumors of Hoffa's whereabouts surfaced.

All public access to the proceedings were barred as the Microsoft lawyers made sure the jurors knew the meaning of the term "mickey mouse". Once assured, the jurors were provided with a Windows '95 platform and a Mac from the now defunct Apple Computer Inc. Under expert tutelage, the jurors were asked to use various office suite programs and told to tally the number of times each machine stopped working. They connected peripherals and then attempted to use them. After an afternoon of using Windows '95, Microsoft lawyers convinced the jurors that they could in fact claim infringement on two fronts. The terms "mickey mouse" and "OS" now had meaning to the jurors and they understood that two infringements are greater than one. Disney lawyers had no further trump cards and Microsoft left victorious.

Postscript: The stinging defeat left Disney with the burning desire to make known the true proceedings of the courtroom. To date, all those in the know with a desire to go public have disappeared. Go figure.

- Dr. Joe

I believe the winner in this court case will be the Disney company. I base this decision on several factors, which are influenced by copyright laws and court precedent. And by the recent O.J. Simpson court case. The Disney company will sue for the revenue from this product because mr Hoffa was using the Disney characters, and Disney will argue since Mr. Hoffa needed to use the Disney characters to market his ill-gotten product. Without the familiar characters of Mickey, donald & Goofy no one would be inclined to purchase this product. Microsoft will respond that Mr. Hoffa deliberately copied the code from the Windows(TM. I have to include this or the Microsoft M.M.I.B.(Microsoft Men In Black) will pay me a visit. Just like Mr. Hoffa. Note:The M.M.I.B. are modeled after the federal gov't M.I.B.) this automatically entitles them to all of the revenue from this product, since Windows(TM.) is a copyrighted product.

Disney will counterclaim that because Windows(TM.) is the dominant op sys for the IBM PC and it is used on 99% of all of the pc's on the planet, this pirated product will do no damage since there is no other comercially available product that could take the place of Windows. Disney will also subtly hint that Microsoft was secretly involved with Mr. Hoffa as they were able to locate him and neutralize his production of this product. Knowledge of said activity because Mr Hoffa was none other than a Windows(TM.) Beta tester. A beta tester that was developing a version the microsoft product that could be used to influence the loyalties of young children and make them converts to the cause of Microsoft.

Microsoft will claim slander and an enraged Bill gates will get into a court- room fight with Mike Eisener. This fight will result in a nationally televised court battle with both sides using all available communication medium to win people to their respective causes. As both sides leave the court and go back to their companies, the battle is readied. Disney will begin an attack campaign against Microsoft as they unveil a new exihibit modeled on the 1982 movie TRON. The exihibit will be called Epcopsoft and features rides, games and characters based on people and lives ruined by microsoft.

Microsoft retaliates by secretly building into all of their products, including Windows(TM.) a subliminal message telling people to hate and boycott all Disney products. News of this feature is leaked by overworked nerds who are upset that Melinda French would not talk to them before she was married to Bill Gates. disney responds by suing and hiring the Fruit of Islam (Protection serivce or rather, goon squad of Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan) to protect them. this is done as numerous psychotics and other loser attack Disney property due to the subliminal messages in the Microsoft products.

In a suprise move, Microsoft buys the entire Department of Defense and uses the federal dept to protect them. as the nation is split between microsoft and disney, neighborhoods are split. In L.A. the Bloods adopt microsoft as their favorite company while the Cripts make friends with Disney. At Microsoft, whole rallies are staged as Disney toys and other merchandise are burned to show loyalty to chairman Gates. At this time, Gates little white book on Windows(TM.) is unveiled. A book supposedly on how to use Windows(TM. honestly, I gotta use this symbol or the M.M.I.B.'s will get me) more effectively. Historians will document this little publication as the instrument of Gates rise to power in a totalitarian state west of the Mississippi.

Meanwhile Disney has not lost any time in preparing it's own defenses. Disney uses its extensive communications resources to rally third world opinion to its case. It also manipulates the UN to recognize them as the legitimate government of the United States. Disney manages to convince NATO to send Troops to protect them, much like in Bosnia. They also manage to convince then ruler of russia, Vladimir Zhirinovsky to come to their aid. Disney manages this by agreeing to let mr. Zhirinovsky marry Snow White.

As the two sides continue to circle each other, a random incident occurs that sends both sides to attack each other with everything they have. Not much of civilization remains after the exchange. and later on a chance encounter between a bearskin clad Bill Gates (yes, his glasses survive the holocaust) with a sabertooth tiger skin wearing Michael Eisener results in a stone axe fight, where the two litigants pick up again. IN the end, everyone loses. My vote is for disney because I can't stand that stuffed-shirt harvard undergrad bill gates.

- Pierce

Both of you have severely underestimated the global monopolistic goals of these two business titans. There will be no court proceedings, no trial, no sequestered juries and subsequent dismissals. Not even a chance for O.J. to ghost-write a Cliff Hoffa tell-all.

There WILL be a worldwide news conference held late in the afternoon by Mr. Gates and Mr. Eisner. Why later in the afternoon? This gives some time for Billy Boy to gather his thoughts after a morning news conference when he informs the world of Microsoft's purchase of NBC. Now Microsoft rules the computer industry and a sizable chunk of the television market. What's next you ask?

Yes, there will be no trial because Microsoft will BUY Disney and all its possessions and trademarks and add it to its own bloated hulk.

Microsoft now = computer industry + television + films and entertainment industry.

Our only hope now is if, 10 years from now, a small outlaw firm of renegade network hacks called 'Novell' sends a cyborg back through time to kill Cliff Hoffa before this horror story of global domination ever takes place.

Hmmm, can I change my vote to 'Novell'?

- Adrian

MS wins. It rains here. Nothing better to do than work. In Anaheim beautiful weather makes you weak. Then again all Disney's lawyers live in the underground complex under Disneyland. Hmmm. I'd still go with Microsoft.

- Paul C.

I voted for Disney for several reasons.

1. Microsoft will run out of money way before Disney, I know, my daughter is making me finance a major portion of the Disney corporation already. So far she hasn't shown any inclination to purchase Microsoft products(another piece of anecdotal evidence of baby wisdom). So it comes down to the fact that most parents will support Disney, just to keep their kids from driving them crazy.

2. Disney will be able to force paper producers to cut off shipments to Microsoft. How? By threatening to produce a new character called Timmy Tree. This character would be so cute that it would be a public relations disaster to harm a tree (see Bambi for a similar case study.) The paper producers are well aware of this danger after the spotted owl debate (and remember the spotted owl won without being enhanced by the magical Disney studios) so they will knuckle under to Disney. Microsoft will then only be able to send the court electronic documents. The court will become so annoyed trying to read all this e-garbage that they will find for Disney.

3. If the magical Disney studios can make a rat one of our cultural icons, they should have no problems transforming their legal department into something non-repulsive. Their magic will make their lawyers look nearly human. Microsoft on the other hand will have regular lawyers, who will be covered with a visible layer of slime. The jury will be completely swayed by the digitally enhanced counsel from Disney.

- JimGivitus

It is clear that both forces have the potential to hypnotize any individual they can to make them do their evil bidding. Microsoft can gain control over all those who use Windows, but Disney's influence is far more reaching. Practically every single person who has existed during the past 50 years has had some kind of contact with Disney entertainment or merchandise, while Microsoft has only been around, or at least been powerful, for a few years.

The moment will come when Disney's mesmerized minions will be commanded to battle those of Microsoft. There will be blood throughout the streets of the world. Then, those servants of Mickey Mouse who remain alive, and there will be millions of them, shall all converge on Seattle, and invade Microsoft's headquarters. Again, there may be some blood, as Bill's high-tech robot guards will be in the way, but there aren't enough of them to defeat about a fifth of the world's population. Mr. Gates shall be trampled to death, and it will be Disney's world. Any aliens who come here as a response to the Voyager message will find a completely different world, and may themselves fall prey to Mickey's hypnotic powers. The conquest of the universe will have begun.....

- L. Wilkes

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Andy Taylor v. Cunninghams (child custody battle)
Hal v. WOPR
Cinderella v. Snow White