World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Newlywed Game

Peg and Al Bundy, Married With Children Edith and Archie Bunker, All in the Family Homer and Marge Simpson, The Simpsons

"HEEEEEERRRREEEE come the Newlyweds! From Chicago, a trapped & lazy shoesalesman with a dream of one day moving to the Playboy mansion and his money-flinging housewife: Al & Peg Bundy! From New York City, a dock-worker/janitor/bartender and his homemaker/nurse/dry-cleaner wife, Archie & Edith Bunker! And from Springfield, USA, an underqualified nuclear engineer, with past experience as a country music manager, barbershop quartet tenor, and entrepeneur, and his lovely housewife who has dabbled in law enforcement, secretarial services, and freelance artistry, Homer and Marge Simpson!!"

Bob Eubanks the Great is on stage and ready to ask each couple seven questions about "making whoopee". Who comes out on top and goes home with the combination blender/back scratcher?

The Commentary

STEVE: This is truly a tricky match-up. If you remember, the key to this game is that the husbands' answers to a question must match up with the wives' answers to the same question. However, in our case, all three couples' abilities to match questions will be poor, beacuse they all have the same problem: The husband doesn't know or care about the wife's interests/preferences/etc. Therefore, the success of a couple will depend solely on the intelligence of the wife and the predictability of the husband. Now let's examine each couple and see how they meet this criteria.

The Bundys: Al is somewhat predictable (hand in pants, couch, TV), but Peggy is just too airheaded to notice. The Bunkers: Edith is somewhat perceptive, but Archie is only predictable when it comes to Meathead, his chair, and bigotry. The Simpsons: Homer is quite predictable ("can't talk, eating") and Marge knows her husband well. Therefore, the order of finish will be Simpsons first, Bunkers second, and Bundys third.

SAM: Steve, your analysis certainly has merit, but I don't think you are treating this with the complexity it most certainly deserves. In the Simpsons' case, Marge does not know her husband as well as you may think. Marge is usually in the dark on many of Homer's endeavors. For example: Homer got a second job as Santa Claus - Marge knew nothing, Homer skips work about 75% of the time - Marge has no clue. I could go on and on.

As far as the Bundy's are concerned, I agree. However, I think you might have overlooked the uncontrollable urge of the duo to cheat for material gain.

The clear winners are the Bunkers. Edith knows her husband well, maybe too well; moreover, nothing that he says surprises her. This makes for very poor entertainment, but ultra high score. On a side note, I can't imagine Edith hitting Archie with the answer card, so for entertainment purposes I suggest Meathead should be the designated whipping boy.

BRIAN: Since you two obviously haven't been paying attention, let's review. What's the one thing we learned from Game Show Mania (tm)? That's right: Ability has nothing to do with success. Winners in Game Show Mania are clearly decided from such other factors as greed, lust, hate, and a myriad of other deadly sins. Bob Eubanks will easily be swayed by sex appeal. Even though she has a bizarre figure, Peg Bundy is the most attractive of the wives (if Marge had a third dimension I would call it a draw). Not only that, but she is the horniest and Al is the husband most likely to encourage her to sleep with someone else, especially if it gets him a prize and gets her off him. Plus, Al can always push Kelly on Bob (assuming she has recovered from that fling with Alex).

What does it all come down to? Lust, lust, lust. Marge and Edith are too straight-laced to throw down for a good cause. Peg will go all the way to get that blender/back scratcher. She's got to get some excitement at home one way or another.

For All in the Family and Married With Children links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

The Simspons (273)

defeat

The Bundys (140)

and

The Bunkers (66)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM)

Bob Eubanks had been the first to go. He lay unconscious on the floor, bleeding from the ears. The crew and the live studio audience were next. The dying cursed the lucky ones that had already died or had been fortunate enough to lapse into immediate comas. Only the other contestants escaped. Homer, who had the munchies, was eating the complimentary donuts off-stage. Marge had just entered the room to find him when she heard the first screams. The Bundys, who were exposed, could thank their tolerance they had gained from years of an unhappy marriage. Though both eventually passed out, they suffered no permanent damage, unless you count the incredible mental trauma Al felt when he woke up to find himself collapsed on Peg's breasts.

Meanwhile, the TV audience was decimated. Thousands of couch potatoes found their last resting place in their favorite Lazy Boys while the quicker on the remote control survived though physically injured and emotionally scarred. Bill Clinton, flipping channels after American Gladiators, nearly died of suffocation as Secret Service agents smothered him in an attempt to protect him. Visibly shaken the next day, he swore that this was his penance for inhaling all those years ago. On the other side of Washington, Newt Gingrich was so shocked that he spoke not a single word for over a month. Hugh Hefner, hiding in the jacuzzi, was discovered in the fetal position mumbling incoherently to himself. Madonna, considering the entire incident a near-death experience, entered a convent and took a vow of celibacy. And Michael Jackson's body simply could not take the abuse - his plastic surgery collapsed, his skin turned back to its original color and he died after being swallowed by one of his boa constrictors who mistook him for a giant guinea pig.

The nation lie in shambles with thousands dead and millions injured. Why? You ask why this all happened? BECAUSE YOU HAD ARCHIE AND EDITH BUNKER DISCUSS THEIR SEX LIFE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!! That is an evil simply too much for anyone to bear.

With no one with the power to stop them, they walk away with the combination blender/back scratcher.

- Paul Golba, Seton Hall University

Clearly, Archie and Edith know each other more completely than either Al & Peg or Homer and Marge. They've dealt with it all -Boredom, infidelity,menopause, impotence - the list goes on and on.

When pressed, Edith WILL hit Archie with the answer placards - As far I can recall, she's the only one of the three who left her husband.

I would look out for Archie, however. He's had an eye for other, younger women, and he may try to make off with Peg by the end of the match.

- Pete

No question at all....the Simpsons are a dead ringer to win this one. Marge knows her husband too well, and will of course answer exactly how Homer would answer, Homer, however, will become a blithering idiot with being on TV and all, and mess up entirely, not making the connection between woopie and snuggling.

There is no way the Bunkers will win because either A: Storm off the Stage when Bob asks the first woopie question, calling him a pervert or a pinko, and Edith will get all red and die for embarasment. B: Say something offensive towards Homer, since his skin pigment is yellow, and Homer will retaliate in beating the holy hell out of him, and the Bunkers will be disqualified, being one of the couple is unconcious. or 3: Archie will have some comment to make about Peg's hair or Al's job, and get pummled by Al.

Now for the Bundys.....not a chance. Everytime sex is mentioned, Al won't think it's with Peg and Peg has a hard time remebering things that happen in that short a time period, so neither Bundy will have matching answers for the other.

So, by elimination...the Simpsons are the winners.

- Vinnie M.

After glancing at the first few minutes of voting, I believe I must state that your early voters are bonkers. To think that the Simpsons could actually win is ludicrous. Granted, they know each other well, but really they're just cartoon characters.

Only the Bunker duo have that hunker-down and agree for money personality.

The Bundy's, even for money, can't get along for a full thirty minute episode. The Simpson couple would collapse, like the melting judge off Roger Rabbit and Wiley Coyote; besides, if I remember correctly, the upholstery on the Newlywed Game matches Homer's clothing perfectly -- Bob Eubanks won't be able to find him, and thus will assume that he's dropped out of the game.

My money is on Archie and Edith with a perfect match on each question -- "Meathead!".

- Tom Stewart

I think we must take into account the "Bart Factor". Do you think that bart simpson will be able to keep his nose out of the gameshow? i think not. Bart will undoubtably find a way to have all the answers to Marge before the game starts. Couls we say the same for the other kids? Meathead and the Save the Children lady? come on. Bud and Kelly? They will most likely hurt rather than help the Bundy cause. Bart and Lisa, and of course you can't count out Maggie, will push the Simpsons over the top!

- jaytodd

The Bundys must win! Definitely! When it comes to wise cracks, these guys really demonstrate a deep insight into one another's flaws. Even if Edith and Marge are wiser than Peg, they both practice self deception when it comes to their husbands. However weak, stupid, or foolish Archie and Homer may be, Edith and Marge truly love their husbands, and love is blind! You can't be BLIND and hope to win this sort of contest! You must be brutally honest, and willing to confront the truth, no matter how ugly and disgusting it may be.

- Paul Adams

Very simple why Marge and Homer would win:

They enjoy having sex with one another. As we all know, the Newlywed Game is entirely concerned with sex sex sex. Al and Peg never do it, and Archie and Edith don't do it that often. Marge and Homer know each other's sexual turn-ons all too well. It's a rout.

- Chris Bird

O.K, the Bunker's win the Grudge Match hands down. One reason:Seventies ties. Who can forget the collection of wonderous BellBottoms that MeatHead Possessed? That linked with the fact that Bob Eubanks gives us our equation. H x T x C = Ability to win. You see its simple. H= Bob's horniness at the time of the gameshows taping. T= the tightness of Meathead's Bellbottoms, and C= color. If meatheads Bellbottoms are striped, such as ones he has worn onn various episodes were, it compensates for a lack of horniness. We all know that stripes make things look longer, and a high tightness factor mixed in with a C=Striped=Definate win.

- PoLicY

In Memoriam -- Sitcom legend Carroll O'Connor passed away on June 21st, 2001,
from a heart attack brought on by complications from diabetes.
O'Connor was best known as Archie Bunker from TV's All in the Family.

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