World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Billy Crystal: Everyone give a big hand for Zamfir and the Solid Gold Dancers! (Applause) Boy, those Academy-Award-Nominated-Song-Medleys just never get old, do they? Introducing the next award, "Worst Actor," is last year's winner, David Hasselhoff, accompianied by the ubiqutious Morgan Fairchild (Applause).

David Hasselhoff: The awards this year sure have been exciting so far! I'm so glad that "Babe" won the best picture award. I know it was my favorite from this year. It almost makes up for "Look Who's Talking Now" not getting nominated. Anyway, I guess that means "Babe" won't get "canned" anytime soon! (Audience laughs wholeheartedly) So, Morgan, tell us about our next category!

Morgan Fairchild: The awards sure have been great, haven't they? I'm so honored to be able to be a part of it! (sparkling smile) Our next category for tonight is "Worst Actor". It is given to the actor who does the worst job of portraying a character (or characters). Our first nominee is: William Shatner for "TJ Hooker."

(Movie clip plays of TJ Hooker bouncing off the hood of a fast moving car. Shatner gets up, unscathed, and walks across the street to a buxom blonde and gives her a deep, passionate kiss.)

David Hasselhoff: Next we have Jack Klugman, from "Quincy, M.E."

(Movie clip plays: "Gentlemen, you are about to enter the most fascinating sphere of police work: The world of forensic medicine." Young police rookies pass out, apparently from seeing Klugman try to act.)

Morgan Fairchild: Our third nominee is DeForest Kelley, from "Night of the Lepus."

(Movie clip plays of a giant mutant rabbit terrorizing a small rural town. Kelley screams: "Look out!" Kelley dodges in the nick of time as the rabbit comes crashing down just feet from where he was standing.)

David Hasselhoff: The last nominee for worst actor is Keanu Reeves, from "Much Ado About Nothing."

(Movie clip plays: "Like, wherefore hast thou seen, like, thy woman for wooing?" Reeves then steps forward with a dramatic hand flourish.)

Morgan Fairchild: And the winner is...

Academy Awards: Worst Actor

The Nominees

William Shatner, T.J. Hooker Jack Klugman, Quincy, M.E. DeForest Kelley, Night of the Lepus Keanu Reeves, Much Ado About Nothing

William Shatner - "T.J. Hooker"

Jack Klugman - "Quincy, M.E."

DeForest Kelley - "Night of the Lepus"

Keanu Reeves - "Much Ado About Nothing"

The Commentary

BRIAN: Keanu Reeves in a no-brainer, guys. True, all nominees are very worthy, and in a normal awards year all would have a good shot. But similar to the runaway which occurred with Anthony Hopkins for his role as Hannibal Lector, many deserving actors will be left out in the cold simply because the work of one of the nominees is so overwhelming. Sure, Keanu was good in Bill & Ted (tm), but bad acting helped for those roles. Is it just me or was he the only one without an accent in Much Ado About Nothing? I, personally, have never seen Dracula because his surfer-esque annunciation is so horribly out of place in Transylvania that I can't even watch for more than 30 seconds. His acting (or lack there-of) in those two movies actually made me quiver! No one else in the field of nominees has that power.

And, besides, look at the other nominees. Yes, Jack Klugman was terrible as Quincy (tm), but his good roles in "The Odd Couple" and as Juror #5 in Twelve Angry Men will drag him down. There will, of course, be a lot of support for both Shatner and Kelley, but having both been on Star Trek they will split the sci-fi-ers votes which will leave them both out of the running (something I call the Perot Effect (tm)). Clearly, Keanu will win.

Two words, folks: Point Break.

STEVE: What determines a good actor? One quality is range (that's range, not RAGE(TM) as seen here frequently). Clearly, Keanu has range since he has played a cop, high school student, Shakespearian military man, and soon-to-be Vietnam vet. Too much range. He's too good for the award. Likewise, William Shatner has played captain, cop, and stuntman. He's even appeared on Columbo, which shows that someone must think he's good. That leaves this contest between Klugman and Kelley.

To settle this, one must just look at their respective abilities to overact. Bones has his "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor" routine. There's a wealth of emotion in that phrase, but dammit, I can envision so much more. Jack "Quincy" Klugman on the other hand, stretches the limits of overacting. His talent can best be seen in the following paraphrase which can be seen in nearly any episode: "And you, a certified doctor! You stand there and sit idly by while innocent people are MURDERED! Why can't you people wake up and DO something about this tragedy? Sam, do me a favor and do my work for the rest of the week, I have some BUSINESS to attend to that JUST CAN'T WAIT." What finesse! Klugman wins worst actor!

SAM: And the oscar goes to: DeForest Kelley as Elign Vlark in Night of the Lepus. Lets get real, the other nominees are out of their league in this one. A not-so-close second would be Shatner, and as you all remember, DeForest carried him throughout Star Trek. Klugman has his merits when it comes to this award, but look close and you'll realize that Klugman is just a student of Kelley. Quincy may have his own little phrases like: "And you....you're going to sit by and just...when its murder I tell you!" Klugman is a mere branch from the Kelley tree of bad acting.

I mean really, how can they or anyone compete with such brilliance, such timing, such emotion. Who else good deliver a lines such as: "Dammit Jim, Spock has no brain" or "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer"- just to name a few. This man is truly working on a different level. He can portray a skilled doctor one minute and raging, time-traveling, lunatic the next.

Bottom line: As Vlark or McCoy, Kelley always catapults any situation to the very highest dramatic degree; and, by doing this, he manages to bring out the very worst in his fellow actors and in short makes over-actors out of us all. For this, he should be immortalized with this academy award. And if he doesn't win, its insanity..insanity I tell you.

JIM: Clearly, this will be an easy victory for Shatner, whose acting in "TJ Hooker" and "Kingdom of the Spiders" alone is a medically-recognized ipecac. But if we consider his entire ouevre, we see it's just one sausage-link in a long chain of pork products. The key, of course, is that he always acts... exactly... the... same. Have any comedians made a career out of Jack Klugman imitations? I think not. Whether he's seducing green babes, shooting Yeti off airplane wings, clinging to car hoods, or pushing Tek, he acts like, well, William Shatner. (Or, on rare occasions, the evil Shatner from episode 203). It a consistency than spans decades, and demands recognition. And his utter disregard for subtlety doesn't stop at acting. He's a producer. Director. Pop star. Novelist. There are even rumors he toyed with mime during a phase of his career which remains, mercifully, unrecorded. Truly, he is the Sausage King of All Media.

Then there's the lack of viable competitors. Klugman has maybe three roles to his credit, and frankly was quite good in "The Odd Couple". He made a role uniquely identified with an Oscar-caliber (sorry) actor his own. That takes skill: For every Alan Alda, there are legions of fake Ferris Beullers and Private Benjamins in TV's trash bins. Kelley's portfolio is even shorter, and while his performance in "Lepus" is true MST3K fodder, our crafty and urbane (and, might I add, remarkably good-looking) voters aren't about to reward a one-miss wonder. Reeves shows promise, but with unfortunate flashes of talent. Whether or not it was much of a stretch, he was utterly believable as lucky imbecile Ted "Theodore" Logan, and emoted as much as "Speed"'s script required. And even decent actors can flop with the Bard (see Gibson, Mel). A few more roles like Johnny "Hit Me" Mnemonic, and he *may* have a chance next year against Pauly Shore and Andrew Shue.

In the final analysis, Bill has to win, simply because he has the best hair.

The Results

David Hasselhoff: Oh my god! It's a tie! For the first time ever! (Can they do this?) Well, since there's only one trophy, and two winners, then I guess they'll have to share it. Bill, you can have it on Mondays, Wednedays, and Fridays, and Keanu, you have it on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Sundays will be determined by rock-scissors-paper.

William Shatner (487)

Keanu Reeves (487)

over

DeForest Kelley (131)

Jack Klugman (71)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE(S) OF THE WEEK (TM)

It is obvious that Reeves has it in the bag. Sure, the others were terrible in their roles, but they are practiced at being terrible... years and years and careers of practice. Meanwhile, this Keanu guy (could that possibly be his real name?) came out of nowhere to snatch the Oscar out of the Jaws(TM) of defeat! Of course, since only one person saw all of these movies, the decision is actually up to him (or her), all we have to do is find that person, somewhere, somehow...

- Phil

Keep reading, Phil...

Having actually seen all four of the mentioned performances, I'll have to go with Reeves. It was a tough choice, as we've all noted how bad the competition was.

But there are degrees of badness. Shatner and Klugman each at least has conveyed some emotion in their respective roles (Hooker and Quincy). Admittedly, it's the same emotion over and over again. Admittedly the scripts are horrible and unrealistic. But at least you get the feeling that you are witnessing a possible person. Why? Shatner always plays himself. The role is realistic because it's a real person, him. Quincy was tiresome and melodramatic, but that wasn't really Klugman's fault.

Which brings us to the real contenders. Kelley in "Lepus" is truly non-descript. He manages to look completely unexcited the entire movie. This is a strange state of mind, given the presumed horror of the enormous carnivorous bunnies. But to reward Kelley for "Lepus" is to mis-honor this movie. It should be acknowledged mostly for its truly pathetic special effects. It was amusing to watch bunnies hop all over tiny models, but it was not convincing in the least. The guys in the bunny suits who would maul people were also amusing.

Reeves managed to give the worst performance of Shakespeare I have ever seen. His villainy seemed not to be based on anger or envy so much as of constipation. I don't care so much about the lack of English accent (after all, the play is set in Italy. Why should Italians speak English with an English accent anyway?) But in a genre where even Mel Gibson and Michael Keaton have failed to embarrass themselves, Keanu fell flat on his face. An AI program would have been more human-like.

- Rick

ROTW (TM) Silver Medal Winner (TM)

First off you have to forget about both Quincy and McCoy. If they won it would be a real paradox (pair o' docs?). So that leaves just Keanu Reeves and William Shatner. While flying into town together for the ceremony, Shatner sees a creature out on the wing of the plane and starts freaking out. Reeves realizes it's only Death, back for another rematch (best 117 out of 233?). Rather than risk endless rematches with Shatner, Reeves activates the internet link installed in his head (there was lots of room) during Johnny Mneumonic and throws the match by bringing up the "Captain James T Kirk Sing Along Page". The battle is decided just as the final strains of "Mr Tambourine Man" shatter the pilot's concentration and the plane plummets into the ground. Reeves calls George Carlin from a nearby payphone, says seven words you can no longer say on the internet, and is whisked away by web police just before the fiery crash. Kirk is saved when McCoy beams him aboard the Enterprise and Quincy gets to perform autopsies on the remains of the plane's crew.

- J Patrick Hester

ROTW (TM) Bronze Medal Winner (TM)

Keanu Reeves will win the Oscar for his poingant, yet touching imitation of Jack Klugman, mimicing William Shatner, making fun of Deforest Kelly.

More shocking than his win will be Keanu's acceptance speech where he peels off a mask, while saying: "Hi! I'm Troy McLure. You might remember me from such hyped up and boring awards ceremonies such as the MTV Music Video Awards where I won for best female vocalist."

- HotBranch!

The only two I really know anything about are Reeves and Shatner, and "Speed" is one of my favorite movies, whereas "Rescue 911" is one of my favorite objects of ridculue. For God's sake, he wasn't even ACTING in that, and he was still totally unconvincing!

- So. Central Rain

I am sure if Hollywood relied just a tad more on realism, every single time a person watched the credits for one of his "films" one would see the words "And William Shatner as himself." Not that this has any bearing on his acting ability, but he also puts his name on books which he admits he did not write, in much the same fashion as Fabio, another so-called human being who should never have been taught to read, in the event he might one day act.

- Melodie Ladner

Kelley wins! (Or is it loses?) He sucks. Actually, he's not good enough to suck, since he's only ever had one (recurring) job. Do you really think he was ever acting? I'd wager a guess that if you went to the home they keep him in, he's running around passing the cable tv remotes over the other patients brains and announcing they're cured. Oh yeah, did I mention he couldn't act?

P.S. Sulu -- now there was an acting god!

- two jerks watching hockey

This entire contest must hinge on the hair factor. Although William Shatner is clearly the worst actor; it is his hair that has kept him from being transported into solid rock, as it were. As you may recall when Bull of Night Court wore his Shatner-2000 rug, even Ross thought he was handsome. The question is: will the members of the Academy be fooled, as so many have, into thinking of Shatner is a mediocre actor. Or can they see bound the hair to the true non-talent.

DeForest Kelley has been known to deliver a few goods lines such as "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer," as you indicated. Or the even more immortal "Jim, He dead..." However the hair is mediocre and this will keep him in the running.

Keanu Reeves also approaches Shatner in the acting area. No one can forget his shotty, smack me please, work in Point Break. Or his stand -and-deliver valley boy makeover that we saw in "Much Ado About Nothing." But rising in his defense, Shakespeare can be difficult, one must be able to speak _English_ after all. But the hair factor, and all that make over time in trailer kicks in. This will keep out of the running.

Therefor by default the award goes to Jack Klugman, _This Year_. But don't fear. Slick Bill's hair will eventually give-out. I suspect that this will happen about the turn of the Century. And then he will be a dead ringer for the "Life time bad acting achievement" award.

- NAP/nap

Shatner wins hands down. His offering to use his magnum to put a hole that "goes in the size of a quarter and comes out the size of the Holland Tunnel" in some street punk defies topping in overdramatics and histeronics [sic]. Besides saying one word-- "KHAN!!!!"(and his simultaneous expression) will always stand up as an example of bad acting throughout the ages.

Was "Night of the Lepus" about crazed giant rabbits?

- jhuddy

"Lepus" was about giant rabbits. Whether they were crazed, or not, I can't remember. At the very least, they were heavily pissed. -B

i wasn't planning on voting, but when jim used the word "ipecac" in his commentary on shatner, i knew i had to reward such phrasing. plus, after i thought about it, i realized that in a blind taste test (tm) one would have difficulty telling shatner acting from shatner narrating "rescue 911".

- the-concourse-on-high

Keanu would have to win dude because he is so totally the worst among the choices listed. The best thing he ever did was be himself, of course the studio gave him a false name like "Ted" or something. Reeves would be an excellent choice to be the bodacious or is it bogus winner. Later dude.

- Chris\Lord Spam\Varnadoe

Dammit Jim! Deforest is a much worse actor than Shatner! Can you imagine Deforest as T.J. Hooker? He doesn't have the neccesary dramatic flair to roll over a car bonnet and still appear dashing.

- mark critch

>   BRIAN:    
>   Two words, folks: Point Break.

Two more words: Johnny Mnemonic.

- jharrris

I know this is a waste of time, because, let's face it, Shatner is going to win this hands down (or with one hand up) (promise!).

I'm enraged that you should include Jack Klugman in this competition. Quincy was, Like TJ Hooker, a mistake that never should have happened. Wipe it out. Erase it from your minds. He was more than perfect in The Odd Couple, and his brilliant performances in many Twilight Zone episodes with horns and/or pool ques more than make up for end-of-career mistakes like Quincy. Then again, there was that Odd Couple TV movie a few years ago...

De Kelly? He was in movies? Well, Night of the Lepus wasn't half as memorable as Attack of the Killer Shrews, so how bad could it have been?

I voted for - or, actually against - Keanu. Let's face it, the man has less acting talent than Julia Roberts. He is prettier, though. Shatner is at least interesting to watch, and has the ability to change the inflection of his voice. Keanu's stirring English accents in Dracula and Much Ado About Nothing make Costner in Robin Hood sound like Patrick MacNee.

- John Payne

One complaint - Tom Cruise should have been included - he is as terrible as Reeves.

But on to my point: Shatner will win - but both of you missed the point all together. His cronie, Kelley is the worst hands down and should win - no contest - end of discussion - period.

Shatner wins purely because the WWWF Grudge Match's audience has had more than ample exposure to his lack of acting talent. Just look at the many times his sorry mug has marred the screen! Its frightening! Compare that to the others: Keanu is the only comparable in the exposure column - but he's young and can't compare with the track record of Shatner.

Shatner should get a lifetime achievment award for bad acting - but it is no secret why Kelley's list of appearances is quite short.

- Jim

William Shatner has no peer in this. He was even bad in the Oldsmobile commercial with his daughter Michelle. How can you overact, riding in a car with your teenage daughter? William Shatner did it.

- lynnmh

OK, Keanu Reeves wins simply on the strength of A Walk In the Clouds. Seen it? Beyond crappy. Even beyond raw-sewagy. There is nothing worse then a chick-flick with a leading man who has the personality of a stick (As opposed to having personality and a stick, which is, in theory, good chick-flick material). Shatner doesn't pretend to be a great actor, which is what gives Reeves the edge. He's too cocky for his abilities. Hamlet?!? I don't think so. Sadly, obscures don't win, so Klugman is out. Shatner will suck all of the "I hate the way my signifigant other is obsessed with star trek votes", (hey don't worry, I'm sure YOUR girlfriend doesn't mind) so Kelley is out too. Keanu wins with several shitty haircuts to spare.

- Janice M.

I admit this is a close race, but honestly folks, if you watch Mr. Shatner act, in almost any role he plays his hairpiece is more believable than he is. In fact, I'd like to see that hairpiece do HAMLET. Without the burden of Mr. Shatner under it of course.

- MarEl

When Keanu Reeves gets up to accept the award, Shatner gets so incredibly jealous, and he gets up and leaps on Keanu and sets his phaser on stun. At that very moment Rufus and Bill S. Preston Esquire zap through the roof. Shatner is getting railed on when Spock [beams down]. Spock takes Rufus aside and says Live Long and Prosper, Rufus says what are you talking about, I say Be excellent to each other. So now it is Bill and Ted vs. Shatner, two on one. Bad odds so Bones pops out of the audience and injects Bill with a slurpy and he wanders away in a daze, Shatner rips off his shirt and says Bones let me handle this. So now it is Keanu vs. Shatner. Keanu takes him out with one punch, because he is still a beast from filming Speed, another quality flick. So Keanu goes to accept the award and the only thing he can say is, PARTY ON DUDES!

- morse

Why did I vote for Keanu Reeves? Why did I vote for Keanu Reeves? (Enraged) I'll tell you why! With every other actor there, people acknkowledge that they weren't any good, or at least in that part. I mean, Shatner may have been a Shakespearian actor, but at least everyone still admits that that means nothing, and that he can't compared with REAL Shakespearian actors (Such as Jean Luc. :)) But Keanu, Keanu...my generation refuses to admit that he is not a bad actor. He has made some of the worst movies of all time: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (a touching movie about teenagers reaching for maturity and emotional growth), Dracula (which was just like the excellent Dracula with Bela Legosi except for the fact that Dracula with Bela was not actually a porn film, and the Keanu Dracula didn't believe in that little thing called acting... :)), and that damn Surfer movie which I have been TRYING desperately to repress in my memory it was so painful! And yet I hear people talking of what a talent he is...if this is the most talent our generation can produce I suggest we go back to watching old movies, like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Gaslight.

There, I feel better now. :)

- Joshua Galun

Why Klugman? He's the only one I've never heard of. Must be bad.

- DarkHelemet

Keanu Reeves performance is the worst because he is actually in good material, and still screws it up. I mean if you put Laurence Olivier in "Night of The Lepus," what would he do (not a lot, he's dead, but that's another matter.) The other two are a cop show, and a doctor show, which mainly exist to make NYPD Blue and ER look good. Much Ado about Nothing, no the other hand, is a brilliant comedy by William Shakespeare. Well directed, with a brilliant cast with two Oscar winners (Denzel Washington and Emma Thompson). Ken Branagh in non-annoying mode, Michael Keaton reprising his role from Beetlejuice, and beautiful Italian scenery. And then we have Keanu Reeves.

It's not his accent that's a problem (Branagh made sure none of the American actors spoke in a Biritish accent.) It's his total voice inflection, his complete inability to speak verse. His theme music acts more than he does. As a villain, he's about as menacing as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Unlike the other actors, he can't even grow a full beard. See, its easy to sink "Night of The Lepus." To sink a good production of a great Shakespearean comedy takes real incompetence. Furthermore, no one would ever cast William Shatner say, an adaptation of the works of Charles Dickens, and see if you can name one good director Jack Klugman worked with. Keanu Reeves, on the other hand, has been able, through means not known to mere mortals, to convince directors like Francis Ford Coppola, Bernardo Bertolucci, Ken Branagh, Gus Van Sant, and others, to appear in their labors of love. He wins because he is a bad actor who is shown to be one through contrast with the material he works with.

- David Rothschild

Excuse me, but I counted no less than two, count 'em, two commentators here missing enough brain lobes to suggest that Keanu Reeves has range, and occasional flashes of talent. People, this is Keanu Reeves-- I can think of no less than five types of hardwood capable of displaying greater emotional range than this boy. Lets take a look at Mr. Reeve's resume:

Feelings I can display:
	Happy: [picture of Keanu smirking.]
	Sad: [picture of Keanu with slightly more frown than average.]
More emotions available upon request.

Mr. Reeves, we see, cannot act-- he is only capaple of reading lines. He could easily be replaced by a manequin and a tape recorder. The only movies that he hasn't royally screwed up are a) films where he hasn't had a big enough part to destroy the overall work (Much Ado About Nothing, Hamlet etc.) or b) movies that did not require acting but instead relied on special effects or jokes (Speed, Bill & Ted's).

The other actors, you see, may overact, may turn everything they look upon into melodrama, but at least they act. Little Wooden Boy speaks with less inflection than those automated correct time messages, and also with less appeal.

Now, what about worst Actress?
--Rosencrantz

The Oscars aren't about evaluating the role at hand; they're decided by guessing future scenarios. That's why the acting awards can end up going to average performances (where they reward the body of previous work). To predict the Oscars you have to get into the mind of the typical voter.

So here's what the typical voter is thinking when he looks at the ballot:

Keanu Reeves - "He's got plenty more bad work ahead of him; let's give it to one of the old guys."

William Shatner - "Bill certainly has had a long career of atrocious acting. But I heard that next year the Oscars are adding the "William Shatner Lifetime Achievement Award." If he's going to get that tribute, hey, I'll vote for someone else."

DeForest Kelley - "Wouldn't it be appropriate for Bill to present the first 'Wm. Shatner Lifetime Achievement Award' to DeForest at next year's Oscars? "

Jack Klugman - "I thought Klugman was dead already."

Klugman by a landslide.

- Jeff Carroll

The winner of the Worst Actor Award is absolutely no contest. Keanu Reeves has consistently been the most repulsive actor to come out of Hollywood since the likes of Joan Collins and her over active libido. Ever since the days of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" he has given some of the least convincing roles to ever be shown on the silver screen. The list is endless; from "Point Break" to "Speed", "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" to "Johnny Pneumonic", he has repeatedly sucked. The previous list does not even include what remains to be topped as the single largest waste of film in Hollywood history as his acting hit an all-time low in "My Own Private Idaho". His only possible redeeming quality lies in the fact that he is a Canadian. However, if asked, anyone in Canada would deny the whole rotten ordeal. Quite frankly, to even categorize him as an actor is a gross injustice to all others that go by that title. In future years, this award should be renamed the "Keanu Reeves Award For Ineptitude In Acting", and only one person should win it: Keanu Reeves!

- Blake Dymond and Clark Hughes

President and Vice President of "Citizens Against Keanu Reeves"

I don't think there is any contest Shatner has proven himself a jack-of-no-trades and a master of none. He deserves this award because of his range, he has proven he can't act, direct, write or sing. If he does not win this I'm sure we'll be seeing him soon for a lifetime failure award. Keanu Reeves comes in second because he also has tried his hand at song (that's right he has a band), though with better results then Shatner. Dispite his titanic efforts his chances of winning are tempered by good efforts in certain films, ensuring him the loss. Kelley and Klugman just don't have the range to compete with Shatner or Reeves.

- dave mcgee

The entire audience waits in total hush as David Hasselhoff opens the envolope. His Baywatch Blue eyes widen in shock- "Oh my God!" he says, "I don't believe it! There was a fifth nominee that no one else knew about! The winner is: OJ Simpson!"

"That's right, oh kitless wonder," Morgan Fairchild says into the microphone. "OJ embodies all that a terrible actor is. Not only did he act the total idiot in the Police Squad movies (I, II1/2, XXXIII1/3), but his unconvincing acting in Frogmen set the stage for a wave of bad acting!"

"And let's not forget his greatest act of all," David says, getting into the act, "Putting out his own book and video tape trying to convince the world that he's innocent!"

Morgan smiles brightly, holding up the Oscar. "OJ, this one's for you!"

As it turns out, David takes home the Oscar on OJ's behalf. OJ is currently out spending all of his resources looking for the "real" killer.

He's on the golf ranges again, talking to a radio show on his cellular phone.

- Dark Paladin

Subject: What No Write Ins?

I voted for Reeves because he was the closest to my first choice of Will Wheaton for his work on STNG(tm).

- srg

look, the way this is going, reeves and shatner deserve to tie. I mean Klugman was in "odd couple," an excellent show, so he is out. Kelley is nothing without a jim to say whom is dead to. SO, it comes down to Shatner and Reeves. I mean that's freaking impossible. Its like getting 4 people to agree on pizza toppings or having Pat Buchannan and Louis Farrikan be friends.

- Moshe Y. Katz-Hyman

Shatner, lord, he's not good but I get no physical reaction or twitch while watching...

now Reeves... *shudder*. I can actually feel my life getting shorter while watching him ... akt.

- scott c

Even though Shatners acting sucks...Reeves didn't act in Bill and Teds or Parenthood, he just stumbled on to the set in both films and thought it was real.

- Chris Opocensky

I suspect that a lot of people will fall for the Willy Shatner sausage factory argument. A fine argument indeed, but out of bounds for the current contest. We are not judging the relative lack of merit of an entire career. We want to award a flop of grand proportions! One where the big momentary spotlight is on and we witness absolute ineptitude - kinda like Eddie the Eagle or Billy Buckner.

Give Willy a lifetime award for barraging a couple generations of TV viewers with a consistent display of ghastly acting. Since we must confine ourselves to T.J. Hooker, let's face it, everyone knows it was meant to be schlock. We were supposed to tune in to watch Heather Locklear bounce around. Poor acting was expected and Will fit the bill! No award for that.

Ditto for Klugman. A shoddy TV show (with no babes!) expecting shoddy acting. Klugman obliged with poor theatrics. Again, no award.

Keanu Reeves! You'd think he's a hands down winner. Kenneth Branagh knew he was working with a dolt and kept Keanu out of the spotlight with a minor role as Don John. My theory is that Branagh's ulterior motive was to expose the current crop of dimwitted teenage girls to a Shakespearean work. How would you get them in the theater? In any event, Reeves did not get to display his absolute lack of talent in this role. No award. Why wasn't he nominated for Dracula?

Kelley is making a splash on the big screen after a dismal display of acting in an equally pathetic sci-fi TV show. Kelley thinks he's the man for silver screen sci-fi. Expectations are are higher and DeForrest fizzles. Since the role of Vlark is "meatier" than Keanu's Don John the edge goes to Kelley. This is not the desired grand flop, but if you play by the rules, Kelley is the true winner - no ifs, ands, or buts.

- Dr. Joe

Close one. And so many worthy nominees left out of the competition. Quite frankly, I never thought an underdog like Klugman (who has actually proven that he can act) could be nominated. Someone must have seen his recent reunion tour of "The Odd Couple."

Since old Jack is the dark horse, the industry insiders won't let him win. They've already pulled the sympathy vote with last year's winner-- Mr. Hasselhoff himself (AKA the "anti-Travolta").

Shatner is the fan favorite, but the industry insiders are less than happy with Bill due to his blatant attempts to lock up so many categories--including Worst Screenplay, Worst Direction, and Worst Hair Substitute.

DeForrest hasn't had any substantial work lately to keep him fresh in the voters' minds. If the award had been given out in '75, he'd be near the top.

So, we are left with Keanu. The truest definition of "anti-actor." The Blank Slate of Hollywood. Emotion, expression, depth--not even any resembling these in Mr. Reeves' performances. "Point Break", "Bram Stoker's Dracula", "Much Ado About Nothing", "Johnny Mnemonic"--the list just seems endless. And his turn as Hamlet in Canada still has the Academy reeling.

He appeals to the new, younger, hipper Academy and will justly win this award.

- Jason

The winner of this category isn't that hard to figure out. All that one has to do is think like the Academy(TM). Klugman can't win. This is due to the fact that his real Tour De Force(TM) was on television. If he had a past in television, but had done his most distinguished work on the silver screen (a la Tom Hanks) then he might get the nod. That's not the case here. Kelley doesn't have a chance either since he hasn't done a non-ST movie in the last 25 years. There is no doubt that he has put in his share of stinkers but unfortunately he is a has-been. And everyone knows how those are treated in Hollywood. Often times the the voting members will see a young actor who truly has potential. They give him a nod for a job well done in the form of a nomination, but don't let him win lest he will be rewarded to early and never fulfill his vast potential. That is what the Academy would do with Keanu Reeves. That leaves us with a man who has a vast body of over-acting experience. For four decades this actor has defined the term 'cheese ball'. No can forget his work in television and movies, not to mention print media. His subtle performance in Judgement at Nuremberg is easily overshadowed by his horrible speech (probably ad-lib) as Kirk lay dying in Star Trek:Generations.

And the winner is........... William Shatner

- David G.

Okay. Let's think about the respective resumes of the two main candidates, 'Wee Willy' Shatner, and Keanu 'Valley Boy' Reeves. Various mediocre Star Trek stuff vs. 'Bill and Teds "Excellent" Adventure'. Wheras Star Trek ain't exactly Shakespeare, it still appears so next to BAT"E"A. Next factor: rage. The question with rage is not so much who has it, as much as whether rage is a help or a hindrance. I feel rage makes one a better actor, and William "Now doing radio ads for security systems" Shatner must be pretty darn ticked right now. I don't think Keanu Reeves is cappable of rage, or anything. Frankly, he has the emotional range of grapefruit. And that is why Keanu is the second worst actor in the world today, after Pauly 'Really needs a severe beating with sticks' Shore, who was not a choice. Maybe next time..

- rohit

With three of the four nominees involved with time travel, a strange thing happens: the network executive in charge of the Academy Awards special is visited by four people from four separate futures. They reveal to him that unless the awards are a success, the network's future is doomed and he will die. They hand him the four frontpage stories from the day after the Oscars. He reads them...

"DeForest Kelley was rushed to the hospital after being superficially wounded by an assasin's bullet last night at the Academy Awards. Kelley, who was dragged to the podium kicking and screaming "DAMN IT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME ADMIT I WAS IN THAT MOVIE!!! PLEASE!!! I WAS DRUNK - I SWEAR!!!" to accept his Worst Actor Award, was hit in the right shoulder. The gunman, known only as Crow and believed to be a disgruntled movie reviewer, shouted "BITE ME - It's Fun!" at his victim before making his escape. The greater tragedy of the night, however, was the lowest ratings in the history of the TV special as the live violence caused V-CHIPS across the country to overload and black out the rest of the show."
"William Shatner broke the world record for length of an acceptance speech last night at the Academy Awards. Despite being held to a pre-approved script to keep him within the 2 minute time limit, he managed to overact the three sentences to over an hour and a half including a thirty-five minute pause. The "Pause That Stopped the World", as it is now known, caused some people to call the paramedics on the premise that Captain Kirk had died where he stood from a stroke. However, he did recover to do an impromptu duet of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds with Leonard Nimoy, dropping the already negative Neilson ratings into imaginary numbers."
"Yesterday marked the first ever international censoring of the Oscars as all present and former members of the Commonwealth of Nations threatened to declare war on the United States for 'defamation of the English accent and institutions' if it was not taken off the air. The incident was the direct result of the acceptance speech of Keanu Reeves who won the Worst Actor Award. In gratitude, he attempted to recreate his award winning role of Don John in Much Ado About Nothing but slipped out of his bad English accent into Ted Logan from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. The international outrage from England and former British colonies was immediate and led to the preemption of the Oscars with reruns of Roller Derby highlights. As the Prime Minister put it, 'If I want to watch the disgrace of an English institution by a hooligan, I'd go to a football match.' Ratings for the time slot were the worst ever."
"The Academy Awards reached record high ratings yesterday in one of the most bizarre television events ever. Jack Klugman, who won the 'Worst Actor' award, announced he would perform a mock autopsy in salute of his award winning role as Quincy. However, after several minutes of chopping and slicing, the sheet covering the body feel free, revealing this to be a REAL autopsy. As blood and guts spewed everywhere, the majority of the studio audience and millions worldwide passed out before they could escape or reach their remote controls. Though it is estimated that only a small fraction of the record television audience was actually conscious during the rest of the show, very few were in any condition to change the channel and their set remained on for the rest of the show and into the wee hours."

The executive thanks the four people as they return to their times. Then he calls up his local enforcers to "advise" the Oscar voters on who they should vote for. WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?????

Paul "I WATCH QUINCY IN RERUNS" Golba

I had to vote for Shatner, after all he adds the hair, and removes the stomach (via gurdle I'm sure)for his acting (Oh GOD, did I say acting?!?!), and removes his hair and adds his stomach for his private life... I'm a life long Trekker and I have the utmost respect for all of the Enterprise Captains, BUT... Do you remember Bill Shatner singing "Rocket Man" on the 1st annual Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror movie awards some 20 years ago. I forced myself to watch the entire "proformance", the pull on the tie of his tux, the smoking ciggertte in hand, all that was missing was a show girl, some gold chains, and a soft green suit, and I would have sworn I was in Vegas. To this day, I can not listen to that song with out laughing my _ss off, or tossing my cookies. Oh well... Thanks for the links (if you don't mind I'm gonna add it to my home page...:))

Aerie

Those other guys may be bad actors, but all of the bad movies they were in does not compare to the damage Reeves has done. The best example has to be Dangerous Liaisons. Now there was a perfect movie, with three great actors chewing up the scenery, Dangerous Liaisons would have won the Acadamy Award for best Movie, except for one person---Reeves. Just think of how many movies this monster has ruined for all of eternity. Dangerous Liaisons, Dracula, Much Ado About Nothing, A Walk In The Clouds. True TJ Hooker was bad, but not even Hoffman or DeNiro could have made that piece of crap work. Reeves must be stopped, or the future of American Cinema will be lost forever.

- RocketLad

Tough call, guys. Naturally, Shatner and Kelley cancel each other out. "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an actor!" Whatever, Dee. And Shatner? The first syllable of his name, put into the present tense, both verb and noun, to describe many of his performances. Now everybody wash their hands. As to Keanu, Forsooth, Dudes -- he's got his whole career (!) ahead of him to prove his worth to us. Klugman, welll, I don't think we'll be seeing much more of him than we currently see of oh, Ernest Borgnine? So, my vote goes to Klugman.

If the above comments aren't funny enough to make the next report, sorry. But how about a 4-way ACTRESS competition? So many worthy women out there! I can't even begin to list them all. OK, Shelley Winters. OK, any director's wife. Take that, Barbara Bosson, Kate Capshaw, Lorraine Gary, etc. Not you, Susan Sarandon. Sorry.

And when will we be seeing Babe vs. Arnold Ziffel? Come on, you know you want to.

- Alev123

While all of the nominees are outanding in their mind-numbing lack of talent, the Oscar is not awarded for life-time acheivement, but rather the actors performance in one particular role. Bearing this in mind, the Oscar must go to DeForest Kelly for his role in Night of the Lepus. Most incompetent actors can look bad attempting Shakespeare, and although Quincy and T.J. Hooker were by no means quality shows, they were not so bad that bad acting couldn't easily make them worse. With "Night of the Lepus", how ever, you have a movies so horribly inane, that it took the sheer genius of Kelly to make it worse. With this film as a background, lesser incompetents would be overwhelmed and left unnoticed, but Kelly shines through. I seriously doubt that any of the other nominees could hold their own acting along side little girl who liberated the experimental rabbit. She was arguably the worst child actress of here generation, and yet she did not upstage Kelly. Alas, this gem of cinematic trash has been banished to late-night UHF programing, so much of the acadamy is probably unaware of it, and Kelly will be passed by, forever left in Shatner's shadow. But it's not right, damnit!

- N. Shane Cutler

simple reason:

keanu, in his surfer/cop get-up, talks to girl of his dreams. she misunderstands him. he slams down the phone, and in a spot of terrible acting that i will never forget, says "Fuck...why can't i say what i mean?" bad, bad....makes me cringe just thinking of it....

Sherri

I am just writing to explain my vote. It's as simple as this, you guys actually saw NIGHT OF THE LEPUS, possibly one of the five worst movies ever made, and far more obscure than anything Ed Wood ever did. And by the way, how come Jon Schneider wasn't nominated for The Dukes of Hazzard? Or Pauly Shore in, well, anything. Major oversights on your part that I am sure are politically motivated.

Just my two cents, Sean Hooks

Worst actor within these four (I don't even want to start thinking about who else could qualify) is undoubtedly Keanu Reeves. Here's why: 1) ability to be parodied, Shanter and Kelly without a doubt, as you have pointed out, have sustained many bad mimic comedian's careers. They are consistent (Shatner above all, a while back he was hawking phone cards, and his interviews were hilarious, the man has not an ounce of shame). Kelly doesnt' really rate since he is really only known for Star Trek and for some reason that absolves him (don't ask me it is just so).

2) Klugman has actually done some good work, and dammit Jim, I liked Quincy.

3) Contrast. This is where Keanu takes the prize. It is one thing to rank on Kelly for doing a grade-Z movie, but Keanu has worked with _great_ actors, and once you have the contrast of a very good actor such as Gary Coleman or even a Patrick Swayze (or however the hell it's spelled) then his true bad self is put on display. Only a truely bad actor would dare tackle Hamlet (at least he didn't break character to say "Don't blame me, I didn't write this crap")

And besides Keanu never appeared on Star Trek (and you know if Klugman's schedule had been free he could have shone in the Trekverse).

- Jim

No question. By the time the ceremony reaches the point in your introduction, William Shatner is already assured of victory.

Why? You all remember that old TV series, _Amazing Stories_? There was an episode called "Hell Toupee," that revolved around this hairpiece that's really alive, and could take over the mind of anyone who wore it, and force him to commit crimes and that sort of thing.

This toupee, I believe, has fallen into the hands of William Shatner. Only this time, the toupee's fallen in love with him (hey, stranger things have happened; look at Lyle Lovett and Michael Jackson. And I'd like to see you explain Shatner's success without supernatural intervention). So, while they're at the awards ceremony, the toupee sneaks off Shatner's head to do its dirty work.

First, it has to take care of Shatner's only serious competition, Keanu Reeves. It takes over the mind of Gene Siskel and has him hypnotise Roger Ebert into thinking Reeves is a Fudgcicle. At this point, Reeves will either be critic chow or spend the entire night running for the hills, screaming for his mommy, so he's effectively out of the picture for what will happen next.

Now it takes over one of the Academy members (one of whom HAS to be bald, considering that they're all older than most cans of Spam) and finds out if Shatner is scheduled to win. If not, then he'll simply proceed in time honored Hollywood tradition: lie and cheat to get Shatner's name into that envelope. And considering how many toupees are at your average Academy Awards, this should be a snap.

So you see, by the time Morgan Fairchild (whom I've slept with) opens that envelope, Shatner's name WILL be the one that's called. Hey, an Oscar's an Oscar, no matter what it's for. So Shatner will act nice and surprised as he climbs up to accept his reward, while his hairpiece is already glowing warmly in anticipation of its... rewards...

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa

Willy Shatner comes on on the stage with his acting talent blazing and proceeds to make such memorable lines like: "Oh.... God..... They're..... eating..... mybrain!" and totally melts all voters minds to mush, as they wish he would take acting lessons from Keanu Reeves. By coincidence, all voters hands slip to the check box and mark Bill as Worst Actor. He is so happy, he sends them all a boxed set of the 75 Tek novels in the Tek Trilogy, and a tape of Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier, his directorial coup de grac�. Voters show their gratitude by commiting suicide.

- Dustin

Why all the debate? The choice is obvious!

KEANU REEVES SHOULD...NAY, DESERVES TO WIN THIS AWARD!!

First of all, Jack Klugman is one of the most talented actors of the twentieth century. Nearly every role he played was fitting (i.e. The Odd Couple) and he has a flare for playing some ordinary schmoe. Then we have Billy Shatner. Sure, he (DRAMATIC SHATNER PAUSE (DSP(TM)))... overacts. But, no one...(DSP(TM)) overacts like Bill. He wrote the book on overacting. He is the only actor in Hollywood allowed to...(DSP(TM))overact. Overacting is his style, and he does it with panoche. Have I said the word "overact" enough? Shatner's sidekick DeForest Kelley isn't dazzling. He isn't wrinkle-free. He isn't even doing anything worthwhile at the moment. But one thing he is is a solid actor. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. No one can deliver a timeless "He's dead, Jim (TM)" like he can. So that leaves...Keanu. He can't act. Bill and Ted was the only thing he could do right, and that was because his speaking part mainly consisted of one-syllable words. He was totally unconvincing in Speed, out-of-place in Dracula, and couldn't find a decent role if one fell out of his anal orifice (TM). Keanu should just go back to sitting in front of the Circle K and muttering "dude" in his Ultra-Californian accent.

- Jonathan

After sitting through Bram Stoker's Dracula with Jonathon Harker hailing from Long Beach California and Speed, with the cop hailing from Long Beach, California, and Little Buddha, with the monk hailing from Long Beach, California, I figure that Keanu has destroyed more religious figures, good books, and action movies to be honored with this award. The others just haven't done enough damage to get this one...

- El Squid

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Worst Actress Academy Award
Worst Director Academy Award
Grudge Match™ Goes To The Movies™