And the Running Man becomes the Marathon Man...
TOC VI Responses, Da Sequel™

And the first stalker is: Cyclops! Cyclops enters the game zone near the vacuum sled tubes and within moments catches up with his first victim, infirm astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, who's still strapped into his sled! He's managed to wriggle his way out the harness enough to free one arm, and as Cyke blasts him into oblivion with an optical force beam, the camera zooms in to the message he's scrawled into the dust on the floor: "This is so fucking not fair!"

As Cyclops ventures deeper into the game zone, he's suddenly blind- sided by a black and orange blur, his ruby-quartz visor snatched from his face. As the force beam pours unabated from his eyes, he instinctively looks up and is quickly buried in a shower of falling rubble and debris. Entranced by his cool new sunglasses, Hobbes stands in a corner humming to himself and doing a happy dance until the next stalker, Wolverine, catches up with him and quickly reduces him to a few sad shreds of black and orange cotton-poly blend.

Meanwhile up ahead, the Joker and Dr. Evil have temporarily joined forces in an effort to overcome their mutual foes.

Dr. Evil: Give me a frickin' break here, this guy can't be killed, how are we supposed to stop him?
The Joker: Well, certainly not by strapping him into an easily escapable death trap and then explaining our entire master plan to him.
Dr. Evil: Oh yeah, you're really one to talk!
The Joker: Hey, I was a different person then! You know what the late 60's were like. I really prefer not to talk about it, although now that you've brought it up . . .
Dr. Evil: Zip it!
The Joker: Hey . . .
Dr. Evil: Zip it ee doo da! Zip it ee ay!
The Joker: You know, that's really annoying . . .
Dr. Evil: I just bought a new Zip It! drive for my computer.
The Joker: Aaaargh!
Wolverine: Err, excuse me bub; I'm not interrupting anything here, am I?
*slice* *dice* *bleed*

A few minutes later, Wolverine has an unfortunate run-in with Emperor Palpatine. After realizing that tossing him around with telekinesis, while fun, doesn't really achieve anything, he starts hitting the Canucklehead hard with force bolts that scorch his flesh more quickly than his healing factor can repair, leaving an adamantium skeleton lying in a pile of ash that smells strongly of burnt hair and Canadian beer.

Palpatine's sense of victory is unfortunately short-lived however, as he finds himself facing off against the X-Men's resident telepathic/telekinetic, Jean Grey. It is a truly impressive battle that lasts for a little over an hour, but in the end neither Palpatine nor Jean - greatly powered down since her Dark Phoenix, blowing the crap out galaxies days - is able to come out ahead and both slump to the ground, their brains fried.

Soon, a flying wheelchair (Hawking certainly could have used one of these earlier!) is heading at high speed down a long corridor, it's pilot, Professor Charles Xavier, scanning the game zone for signs of prey. He knows there are two remaining runners, but he can sense only one. Suddenly, the rusting hulk of a forgotten SUV speeds from around a corner, running into the chair at top speed and sending it crashing into the wall, throwing up sparks as it spins and tumbles along the corridor before finally coming to a rest upside down. The battered, broken Professor X lifts his head as a grinning savage, his boyish good looks shining through the thick layer of soot on his face, steps down from the vehicle. As Mad Max puts his boot on the Professor's windpipe and begins to apply pressure, the paraplegic Prof. reaches out to his would-be killer's mind in a final, last ditch effort at survival, only to realize that he has no mind to reach out to! As he drifts into oblivion, Xavier's last thought is, "Just my luck to go up against a brainless pretty boy . . ."

With only one runner left, the remaining stalkers, Storm, Jubilee, Gambit and Beast, are released into the game zone all at once. They quickly corner their prey, martial arts legend Jackie Chan. Unfortunately he's holed up in an abandoned warehouse full of folding chairs, ladders, old appliances and other assorted junk. As long as there are plenty of props around, Jackie can overcome any odds. How else can you explain the fact that he beat Bruce Lee? (Other than Grudge Match voter ignorance of course, but I won't go into that . . .)

And so, the winner is Jackie Chan!

- Don "King" Milliken

- Nicky Lewer

Meanwhile Hobbes, Dr. Evil, The Joker, Mad Max and Jackie Chan are making plans. As you know, Mad Max has a heart for everything close to children : the music box in MM2, sparing the life of Corky in the Thunderdome (...dome...dome...) or getting along with a bunch of wildgrown kids in MM3. On the other hand, Hobbes has the ability to become a furry puppet whenever someone else is coming. So at an opportune moment, Hobbes places himself on the path of Mad Max and turns into a puppet. Like he thought, Mad Max stops, hypnotically attracted by the puppet,grabs it and shoves it into his jacket. On the other hand side, Mad Max always had a keen sense of going with the naive good ones, since they are gullible enough to give him what he wants. So he addresses himself to Jackie Chan, and suggests an alliance against evil. Jackie Chan is THE naive good one, so he cannot decline this offer, and immediately rages into battle. Since Dr. Evil is the closest to the typical HK-Action-Movie-Villain, Jackie Chan goes for him. As we know from the Jerry Springer Show scene in Austin Powers 2, Dr. Evil can also be very nasty, so a main comic-and-action scene follows. But this is wasted time.

Mad Max and the Joker are running uphill to the goal, betting on speed. Still, a well-familiar chemical smell comes from the Joker. It's... hair gel... very... powerfull hair gel. Like a flash, Mad Max recalls where he last smelled this, and yells at the Joker "Tina Turner's hair ! It was you !!!" An evil laughter erupts from The Joker, evidently very satisfied. The Joker replies "and this is only the beginning ! HA HA HA !" Hate overwhelms Mad Max, which jumps quickly on The Joker, and begins to choke him to death. But The Joker has learnt from his past aventures to protect himself from leather&latex maniacs, so he breaks a small flask of liquid, which evaporates and makes Mad Max's leather suit shrink quickly. So while the two choke one another to death, they don't notice a furry puppet falling from Mad Max's squeezing (and thus very homoerotic) leather jacket. Since the two DON'T NOTICE IT, it turns to Hobbes again, which leaps past the goal. Hollywood morale is safe, since Calvin needed Hobbes, and nobody needed the others.

- Alex Sed Lex

- I'm Spartacus!

- albatross

Stephen Hawking isn't going to win this. He's riding a wheelchair, for Christ's sake. In a debris-littered earthquake zone. He'll have no maneuverability. He's gonna be tipped over in a second. "I've fallen and I can't get up," anyone? Emperor Palpatine isn't going to win this, because he's an idiot. Watch him get thrown into a bottomless pit before the ten minute mark. Hell, watch himself break a hip trying to run. Jackie Chan isn't going to win this, because there's too much debris everywhere. He's in heaven. So much cool stuff to be used as a weapon, if he gets in a fight, he won't be able to stop for DAYS, using everything he can find in cool new interesting ways. That just leaves one person: Hobbes. He's got the speed, he's got the skills, he's got the stealth, he's got the killer instinct, and most importantly, he's got the cool. By the time the show ends, Hobbes will be holding up his pardon proudly at the finish line while "Eye of the Tiger" plays in the background.

- Infraggable Krunk

First round... Edith picks her favorite X-man which will be enevitably cyclops because for some reason people cant see how much of a weiner that guy is... he enters the arena to be faced with a seven man team of "runners" who figured out (remember palpatine, joker, and hawking are all evil genuises) that they outnumber stalkers 7-1 and that they all can finish... cyke is decimated before he can even look at the "runners".

Round 2: the ever present redneck audience member Billy Bob Cletus and his brother/uncle/3rd cousin Jethro are howling for revenge and call for Gambit to show those crazy critters the power of the bayou... Gambit enters the arena and meets the same fate as cyclops leaving an ace of spades in his wake

Round 3: The audience figures out the clever plan of the runners and sends the remaining X-men in together thus eliminating the team factor... the two teams clash and face off one on one... and the match proceeds as such Professor X uses his hi power floating chair to run over Stephen Hawking reapeatedly... Storm and Palpatine both fry each other with an impressive lighting show (even the crowd is electrified.... WITH SUSPENSE) Jean is taken by Max's rugged looks (remember shes available now) moments before he shoots her Jubilee puts on an impressive sound and light show (remember thats her power wheeee) before Joker acidifies her Beast rips through both Dr. Evil and the well hidden Mini-me (although mini me puts up quite the struggle) Jackie Chan takes advantage of the everlasting supply of debris in the arena to fight circles around Wolverine in his own brand of comic prop humour, wolverine however is relatively unaffected with his adamantium skeleton and healing factor Hobbes is just a stuffed tiger (without Calvin's imagination) and does nothing

Round 4: Professor X and Mad Max face off in a battle so epic words cannot be used to describe and results in two dead combatants... while beast who seems to be getting the best of the Joker meets an untimely end at the hands of a giant anvil (truly Joker is the clown prince of crime) Jackie and Wolverine are still fighting to a standstill... Jackie is currently weilding a door he found somewhere

Round 5: Joker assesses the situation, defects and distracts Jackie with a gun which shoots out a flag that says BANG! so Wolverine can make his killing strike...

Final round: Joker and Wolverine circle each other... they shake hands before fighting... Joker is seen after exiting the arena to exact revenge on Damon Killian for interrupting him during the show opening, he leaves behind an adamantium skeleton covered in charred flesh and remnents of a blue and yellow spandex costume... The End

- Mike Gale

- Psy, resident psycho lizard, ruler of the UNIVERSE. (And the voices in her head too!)

- Patrickcirtap

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee(tm)

- A.J. Starhiker

- ranasapere

Next up, let's go to speed. Hawking can't move fast at all. Joker and the rest of them (besides Hobbes) can only move as fast as humanly possible, which is about 20-something MPH, tops. However, tigers can run up to 50-something MPH, tops, giving Hobbes a speed advantage in the race. Next, we talk about stealth in order to evade the stalkers of the X- Men. Again, Hawking immediately catches the bad end of the pole. The others can hide behind bushes and stuff, sure, but have you ever seen any human get close enough to a wild animal the size of a horse to knock it over without it noticing? HELL NO! There's another tigerific advantage. If you want to talk about strength, use our previous scenario of the zebra and let's see if Palpatine, Evil, and Chan could knock over multiple zebras and eat 'em up. Intelligence? You better believe that Hawking dominates this competition. However, since you know he can't win, after he loses in all the other previously mentioned categories, let's not consider him. The true brainchild here is Hobbes. Have you ever read a Calvin and Hobbes where they're philosophical? Yes! Why? Because of Hobbes. Hobbes is an intelligent creature. And when it comes to being slick with the ladies, just look at how Hobbes easily woos Susie Derkins. You don't see Dr. Evil or Emporer Palpatine being players too easily do you? Hobbes could make it past any one of the X-Women.

So if you don't see how Hobbes could completely dominate this category, you must be blind. Hobbes will go all the way... and raid even more tuna fish sandwiches, so watch your lunch boxes. This guy is even more of a lunch fiend than Yogi Bear.

- Eddy Johnson

- the mysterious "jimmy"

Dr. Evil is the latest entry of the Character of College Graduate- Level of Intelligence, or what most of the unenlightened demographic call, The Nerd. Mister Spock and James Bond's "Q" were "The Nerd." While everyone likes The Nerd, people would prefer a hunkier character to take the day. So long, Doc.

Emperor Palpatine is our Dark-Cloaked Evil Entity. His own disciple Darth Maul played out his role in TOC V, but failed to what was basically a smaller entity of himself (Yoda). Even Death, mighty repo man of souls, was taken out by the small boys of Mystery Science Theater. Realizing this, the folks in charge order the Emperor be taken out by a similarly smaller competitor:

Stephen Hawking is our Relatively Weaker Underdog Character That Still Manages to Take Out Another Guy Or Two. We all know that the English Soccer Hooligans couldn't compare to Death, or that Dilbert couldn't hold a candle to The Tick. Still, the Hooligans got Spock, and Dilbert edged out Duke Nukem. They'll let Steve take out the Emperor, but in this era of action heroes, underdogs just won't work anymore. Bye.

Mad Max is our Black-Suited Badass. Usually, this title is reserved for a team (Men in Black, Blues Brothers) but the sheer black-suited badassness of Mad Max was contained into one. Unfortunately, Max's excessive homoeroticism turns off the "big stupid macho male couch potato" demographic, quite possibly the show's largest audience. Having him win would go for very, very low ratings in the 18-35 ages, not to mention they couldn't pronounce his last name, "Rockatansky."

The X-Men represent the Ostracized Super-Entity Among Which Various Rumors are Spread About Them. Godzilla and Batman, two guys that no one can quite understand. However, if Blade Runner taught us anything, it's that people don't like what they don't understand, especially in the future. They may be tonight's talented X-Stalkers, but they don't go well with the "norms" who don't like things that are even remotely different from themselves.

The Joker is the Wisecracker: One that will constantly make jokes or strange pop-culture references that half the people won't understand. The execs know MST3K was the first winner, but they rationalize that was only because it was incredibly popular at the time, and the final season of the show was upcoming. But the Tick lost. Why? Because no one likes a constant wisecracker. They'll think he's a loudmouth. Joker's time past twelve years ago, and "over-the-top" isn't in this year. Jack won't be back.

Ahh, Jackie Chan, the Man of Action, right alongside Boba Fett and Duke Nukem. Everyone loves the Man of Action, right? Well, yeah. That's true, but the executives also remember how big a thorn in the side that Ben Richards was, and he was a Man of Action. They'll keep him around for the sake of ratings, but then dump him before he's too much of a problem. Anyway, they have bigger things in mind...

Finally, Hobbes is our Competitor with Moral Rules Different From Most Others. King Arthur and Yoda are such characters through religion, but Hobbes is one through animalistic opinion. Yoda won the last TOC; therefore, execs will repeat what was obviously such a ratings-booster by making the same character type that won last time win this time. TV viewers are sheep - they can't remember who won two years ago, but they'll remember who won in that last one. They want the same gratification they've always come from the magic picture box... Poor bastards. So, Hobbes wins.

- Charge Man - I'm kind of sore that I didn't get a three-streak in being the first to vote in a TOC...

- Andy

I don't know why, but when I think of Stephen Hawking in this match, all I can picture is him in his wheelchair, caught in a corner with flat, toneless cursing emanating from the speakers. Hobbes is taken out simply because when he is removed from the Calvin Imagination Bubble™ (a complex field originating in Calvin's cerebellum and following his line-of-sight) he becomes a stuffed animal. Hobbes' vacuum sled, without proper weight, is seen careening off the track and exploding, blowing Hobbes all the way back to Calvin's Non-Descript EveryBackYard™. The Joker, being a complete and total nutcase, will wander about aimlessly, staring at the booby traps with glee ("Where do they get such wonderful toys?") and never finish. Sharing his taste for pointless Rube-Goldbergish devices of death, and having run out of people to threaten for "one MILLION dollars!", Dr. Evil will meet the same fate.

Having knocked out the lightweights, let's join the final contestants as they reach the final round. The full pardon sits on a pedestal, tantalizingly out of reach, in a stadium-sized room. Jackie Chan, Mad Max, and Emperor Palpatine all converge upon it. Emperor Palpatine, completley disregarding the rules, stuns the other contestants with Force Lightning™, and Force Levitates™ towards the pardon, Force Cackling™ because he's a Force Puss™ who by now can only take Force Craps™. Unfortunately, he does not see the one Force older and stronger than him. He is quickly crushed by Rock™, on loan by the WayBack Machine™ and pissed at not being in the TOC. Jackie recovers sooner than Mad Max, and is up and running quickly. He leaps nimbly over Laser Trip-Wires™, stops inches from Spinning Blades of Evisceration™, tiptoes past Highly-Sensitive Guard Dogs™, and runs up the Conveniently-Placed Wall Corner™ to grab the pardon just as Mad Max shakes it off and gets to his feet. Jackie lifts the pardon in triumph, when suddenly... "Hey!" Jackie says. "This pardon is full of sand!" Mad Max smiles, and pulls the real pardon out of his belt, along with his gun. "Two men enter, one man leaves. So long, soldier" he says. He fires once in the air, waking the Guard Dogs™. Mad Max walks out a free man, while Jackie is torn to shreds, eviscerated, and blown to bits, proving, once again, that Mel Gibson is the Baddest-@$$ Motherf&*$%@ of them all.

- Tracer

- Sleepless in Hoboken

- Boba Foot - I love the smell of armed enviromentalists in the morning

With Xavier now out of the picture, next up is Storm. Having seen her "mentor" (ahem) Xavier's incapacitation, she first seeks out Hawking, who has stolen Prof.X's vastly superior (hovering!) wheelchair but is still looking just like a big lightning conductor as he makes his (supposed) escape from the scene of the crime. Having dispatched Hawking (need you ask how?), Storm next finds the Joker. Like so many Bat-villains at one point or another in the movie, the Joker is currently walking nonchalantly along a dangerously unstable-looking gantry over some big and unusually unexplainable vats of toxic waste/antifreeze/the remains of the large penguin pool at what used to be San Diego zoo. Had the villain in question been the Riddler, he may have stood a chance against Storm due to his excessive spandex-wearing, ratings- trashing demented stupidity. However, the Joker's advanced criminal genius intellect collapses into brain drain upon hearing Storm's blinding wit. By the first line of "Do you know what happens to...", the Joker has already surrendered and thrown himself into your choice of vat.

Next up Storm finds Mad Max. With the rag now out of his mouth, she is immediately confounded by his fluctuating accent. Thus unable to provide any "witty" remarks in defence, she stands paralysed as Max keeps talking...and talking...perhaps he gets through half of Chapter One of his new autobiography. Unable to use her X-powers, let alone any rudimentary brain functions, Storm drops into a coma and is replaced immediately by Cyclops, who elopes with Max, taking them both out of the game. Beast, who is Cyclop's replacement, moves in on Dr.Evil. Evil is busy attempting to find himself some henchmen, as without them he is about as threatening as a chihuahua with no teeth...even his cat is more scary than he is. Hobbes, being kind of dumb and needing someone to follow around, is following Dr.Evil. Evil, needing something to stroke menacingly, is attempting to sit Hobbes on his lap (always knew that cat was a metaphor for something). Beast first carves up Hobbes in a fit of rage, largely because he mistakes Hobbes for one of the Thundercats, that dastardly band of imitation semi-super heroes who copied his haircut. Then, being a real doctor (Hank McCoy that is), Beast methodically points out all of the theoretical flaws in all of Dr.Evil's machines, such as the working cryogenics tank, androids, and the time machine. Evil gets depressed and can no longer continue with the game, preferring to sulk in a corner with his blanky and dead Hobbes, while Beast moves on and is promptly ass-whipped by Jackie Chan, despite being many times the size, strength and blueness of the aforementioned playground scrapper.

And now we get to the real arena. Chan vs. Wolverine. A real bare- knuckle fight. But wait! As Chan is strutting his fancy stuff and looking for the nearest shop that sells chopsticks, antlers, and swooshy curtain thingys that he could slide down to make the fight more interesting, Wolverine seems to slice and dice Chan much in the style of his fight against Lord Skingen. Perhaps he overwhelmed Chan so fast because of his superior fighting skills. Or perhaps he just asked if he could co-star in Rush Hour 3, offering to replace Chris Tucker's jokes with something a little more sophisticated, and Chan dies of shock. More sophisticated than Chris Tucker?

Unfortunately, Wolverine's exceptional viciousness in this act will not help him in his next fight against the man who has been biding his time (mostly by hiding in a dumpster) and is by now the only remaining contestant, Emperor Palpatine. Wolverine's fundamental love of ass-kicking leaves him vulnerable to the powers of the Dark Side. But there are still four stalkers left, and the decrepit Palpatine's dependency on his Imperial Zimmer Frame is hardly going to do him any favours in the race to the grand prize. Any of these four fine mutants could break Palpatine in a straight fight...okay, maybe not the ever-pointless juvenile Jubilee, but Gambit matches Palpatine's electric thingy, and Jean Grey has the telekinesis part. However, only Rogue has the capacity to steal his powers and, adding them to her own, render a truly magnificent ass-kicking. X-men in six.

- (anonymous)

- As soon as the X-Men found out who they were dealing with, they immediately sent a message to all runners stating that they wished to talk diplomatically with them, and all seven of the runners (for various reasons) agreed. They met in an area somewhat free of municipal wreckage, and immediately began socializing:
- Dr. Xavier and Stephen Hawking, both wheelchair-bound, start having a quantum philosophical discussion that lasts for many days (mostly due to Mr. Hawking's inability to create sentences quickly).
- The Beast, impressed by Hobbes' relative intelligence, decides to become friends with the stuffed [tiger] and go sledding.
- Rogue finds Mad Max incredibly attractive, and they elope.
- Storm and Emperor Palpatine at once began shooting lightning at each other and got knocked into simultaneous comas.
- The Joker and Gambit start laughing at each other. We're not sure why, but we think it's some sort of quasi-mutated male bonding...
- Jackie Chan and Wolverine partake in a highly dangerous martial arts battle that covers four city blocks and involves a parking meter, a fire hydrant, and a high-rise building made entirely of bamboo. In the end, they tire from exhaustion and shake hands (afterwards rushing Chan to the hospital as Wolverine hadn't retracted the blades on his wrists).
- Jubilee, secretly angry about never actually doing anything worthwhile in the X-Men, becomes Dr. Evil's henchwoman (and a much- needed mother figure for Scott Evil).
- Not seeing any use in sticking around, Cyclops and Jean Grey head up to Damon Killian's viewing lounge, radiate him into a bite-sized microwaveable treat, and have a vacation in Tahiti, waiting for the X-Men sequel.

The winner: Cyclops and Jean Grey, for doing what everyone wanted in the first place.

- Ilsoap

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

Next to go are Dr. Evil, the Joker, and Emperor Palpatine. All three are are more than powerful enough to obliterate the entire runningman complex (Hell, the Emperor's Death Star could destroy the entire bloody planet!) - smarmy commentators included - when in their native contexts and with all their normal infrastructure and devices at their disposal, but here their lack of personal physical prowess will betray them. They just don't have the speed and endurance. Besides, Evil would probably wind up killing himself attempting to set up some overly elaborate and unneccessarily slow moving death trap (again, facing a shortage of sharks with laser beams) involving cinder blocks and chicken wire, while the Joker would get his ass kicked once again when the Dark Knight somehow manages to find his way onto the course. Don't ask me how. He just would. Of the three, Palpatine is the most formidable, but one cannot endlessly use The Force (which Palpatine used to achieve Empire not through it's more combative aspects, but through mind control and subtle manipulation of strategic players) to both levitate through the course and to fight, and in a pitched battle, the manifestations of The Force - telekenesis, enhanced body control, and energy arcs - are easily matched by the various mutant powers of the stalking X-Men.

Hobbes had the physicality (in tiger form only - whether or not he exists as anything more than a toy outside of Calvin's imagination must necessarily be a moot point here), he has the stealth, the strength, and the speed... but in a mortal fight with the likes of Wolverine, he hasn't a chance; he'd get the stuffing knocked outta him. heeh. He's just too nice. Chan has what it takes in a fight... everything around him becomes a weapon, and he's almost inhumanly quick on the dodge... or at least he was in his prime, which I guess it's safe to assume he is for this contest. However, Beast could match him move for move, though I doubt Beast would actually kill. Logan, Gambit, and Rogue cerainly would, though. Besides, Chan doesn't have the sheer grim survivalist tenacity of a Mad Max, who I reckon is to be the last runner running. He's also a lot meaner (though with an honourable heart, natch') than Chan, who always seems to knock bad guys unconscious and break a limp or two in favour of killing them outright. His innocent grin won't help him here.

Max is a tough as nails, and has a way with found resources, a little bit of the McGuyver gene perhaps. In a post-apocalyptic world, one has to do a lot with very little, and only the best survive. So I can see Mad Max making it through most of the course.... but the Stalkers you've chosen are just too powerful. Dirtied, torn, beaten and bloodied, Max gives up the ghost with salvation in sight and a curse on his lips. Wolvie props his boot on the skull of his fallen prey and lights up a stogie. Both by nature (superpowered meta-humans) and by nurture (state of the art danger room for training, countless procession of baddies to toughen up on), the X-men would annhiliate the runners.

Though it wasn't mentioned, I must assume a conceit such as some force using the X-Men aaginst their will (Prof. X held hostage, alien mind control, cybernetic implants etc... ) in order for it to be even semi- plausible that the X-Men would bother to engage in such a tacky and trivial an endeavor as network television. Perhaps it's the alternate not-too-distant future ruled by senator Kelly and his ilk, with the Sentinels as their enforcers. Yeah, that's the ticket... So, no winner... and the ratings go through the roof.

- kobALT

As Ben Richards proved, the knack to defeating stalkers lies mainly in either turning their own abilities against them (Fireball, Buzzsaw) or use of objects/terrain found in the Quad (SubZero, Dynamo). Prop manipulation either way, so it looks like the edge goes to Jackie. I think Jackie will go through much of the match disabling stalkers, but refusing to kill them. Unfortunately, he can't prevent his competitors from doing so, and the Joker is having a merry time dealing grisly demises to the stalkers after Jackie disarms them.

Now if they could only have gotten Captain Freedom out of retirement...but he's too busy governing Minnesota.

- Estrella

Steven Hawking: Hmm, super-intellgent guy in a wheelchair. Yup, the X- Men have one of those too, except he can also read thoughts and control people's minds. Steven Hawking is eliminated after he drives his wheelchair into a gas truck ala' The Shadow.
Dr. Evil: No wheelchair, but still a bald guy, and as such I'm inclined to say that Professor X puts the whammy on both Dr. Evil & Mini Me pretty early on. Sadly, given the raw lack of actual intellgence in Dr. Evil, the good professer gets knocked out from the backlash.
Mad Max: The X-Men also have their own funny-clothes-wearing, accent- using, mayhem-inclined foriegner in Wolverine. And Hugh Jackman looks a lot better than even a young Mel Gibson in terms of post- apocolyptic menace. Max gets kibobed.
Hobbes: I'd like to vote for Hobbes, but again, the X-Men already have an anti-Hobbes in their equally intellectual, equally furry, significantly larger and stronger member, Beast. Result: Hobbes is a throwrug in Westchester.

Sadly, the Emperor will prove more resiliant to get rid of. The X-Men have already lost their 'intellegent old guy' card when the professor suffered a frontal lobe blow-out from contact with Mike Myers. Their resident lightning-bolt person, Storm, won't be much help, since judging by the movie, she can only use her powers if she's being throttled to death. Given that Cyclops has that same sort of twerpy one-dimensional goodness that we saw in Luke Skywalker, he'll probably manage to wipe out the Emperor using some clever tactic, like throwing him down a large, deep hole. Still, the old guy should manage to do some serious damage to the team first.

The Joker is barely worth mentioning. I mean really, the only person who considers him a 'nemisis' is a wealthy aging playboy who lives with a young runaway who acts as his 'ward'. Against queer 'detectives' who like to 'haunt the night' he might be pretty fierce, but against mutant-powered pyrotechnics, he's a crispy critter. However, I still have to grudgingly award him a small body count given his gleeful use of chemical warfare.

Which leaves us with Jackie Chan. Given the state of the X-men (down several key members) I don't think there's a way to actually defeat Jackie. Sure, they can hurt him. Yup, they might get in a few shots, but since Gambit's probably out from either Force Lightning or Smilex Gas, Storm is down from severely underestimating the power of the Dark Side, and Professor X is reeling from having stared into the abyss and found nothing looking back, it's not like they have any strong players left to keep Jackie from making it to through all four quads well under the time limit. Yes, Rogue could pick up him and try and fly away, but Jackie would just raise his arms, slip out of his jacket and fall to a rooftop, gaining distance. Cyclops could try and blast him, but Jackie would just duck, leap and roll up to old 'one- eye' and sucker-punch him. Poor Scott Summers wouldn't know what hit him, what with the limited depth perception. Jean Grey might be able to stop Jackie telekinetically, but not before he could kick a box or brick or bottle or something at her to break her concentration. One hard kick and a 'Sorry, miss' later, and she's down. Who's left? Jubilee? Please. She's part Asian, and might even side with Chan. But even if she didn't it's not like she can do much more than light the way to the finish line. Yup, like it or not, Jackie Chan sprints to the end of the finish line to give Damon a great big kiss.

- dok

With Stephen Hawking's scientific genius, he probably refitted his new 2000-X nuclear-powered wheelchair with a portable time machine. He'll simply jump back three hours, cruise through the Stalker-less game zone, and cross the finish line ten minutes before the program goes on the air. When Killian tries to disqualify him for cheating the viewers of their bloodsport, Hawking zaps him back to a German POW camp in 1943, then graciously sends his fellow runners back to their times, spaces, and alternate universes. Hey, just because you can bend the laws of physics to your will doesn't mean you can't think about other people.

- Call me Shane

The Xavier disguise also worked on the next stalker, the flighty Rogue - and on Jackie Chan, who gave a comic yell and ran away when their paths crossed. Dr. Evil found that having to stay in the wheelchair limited his speed dreadfully, but it had its advantages - such as keeping him away from the fight between Rogue and Palpatine, which destroyed out half the arena and left both combatants disabled. The ruse even allowed him to win a hand-to-hand fight with The Joker (another pasty little guy who depends on henchmen), who wasn't expecting the "World's Most Powerful Psychic" to jump out of his wheelchair and hit him with a brick. But Evil was smart enough to know that he'd gotten that far on luck (as well as eeeevil), and he'd have to get luckier still to win.

His simpleminded trick wouldn't work on all the X-Men; Wolverine could smell through his disguise, and it was only a matter of time before one got smart and remembered that Xavier was waiting in the bullpen. Who would the next stalker be? His luck was in - the next stalker sent in was the gullible and kind- hearted Jean Grey, who fell for a trick so simple that the whole nation shrieked in disbelief. "Jean! Quick! Dr. Evil is almost to the finish! Use your telekinesis to lift me up and drop me next to the finish line! HURRY! NOW!!!" Fortunately for Jean, she didn't have to face the rest of the X-Men - the combined disgust of millions of viewers overloaded her telepathic abilities, and she spent several weeks in a nice peaceful coma. Jackie Chan came panting up to the finish line a few minutes later, only to find he'd won the 2nd prize of a televised execution. He was saved by the X-Men, who needed a replacement for Jean. Jackie Chan - X-Man! Yaaaaayyy!

- Brucifer

- Mike Leung

Storm and Emperor Palpatine eventually face off at the top of a skyscraper. Both fighters fire lightning at each other, and a small army of lawyers emerge from nowhere. Both contestants are forced to remain where they are both sued by each others lawyers for breach of copyright regarding the 'building top final battle with lighnting' trademark. This takes 800 years, by which time Storm has died and Emperor Palpatine is bankrupt. He is last seen on a dodgy late night chat show, talking about Force addiction with Ricki Lake.

At this point only Hobbes, Dr Evil and Mad Max are left. Mad Max is easily in the lead, but eventually his leather pants start to chafe, and he is forced to stop as he removes all the skin from between his thighs. As he stops and pulls his pants down to inspect the damage, a pair of socks falls from his boxers. Mad Max is immediately slaughtered by a passing gang of Grannies, for giving them lustful fantasies that weren't true, because they only watched his films due to the size of his crotch bulge. This leaves Dr Evil and Hobbes. Dr Evil attempts to hypnotise Hobbes with his 70's dancing and scary trademark little finger gesture. Hobbes however, being a stuffed toy under the control of Calvin, is able to use the secret weapon of Calvins imagination. Obviously, being a small boy Calvin has no qualms about being honest to Dr Evil, and tells him what a sad pathetic loser he is, and how awful the 70's were. His illusions shattered, Dr Evil undergoes a complete mental collapse, leaving him shaking in a small ball on the floor, and Hobbes is able to romp home for an easy win.

- Ragnorak

Forgot to mention why Jackie would win. There's so much garbage in a nuked out city that Jackie could kill any one of those X-Men with that it's almost a shame to even bother to explain it out. Jackie can almost climb up sheer walls, he's so quick and agile. Cyclops can't hardly tie his own shoe without worrying that his stupid visor will fall off when he bends over. It'll be over quickly. Jackie will get away while Cyclops is still trying to get the singed tiger fur off his clothes.

- sladethesniper

Return to WWWF Tournament of Champions VI

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