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Phil the Announcer: And now the producer of The Running Man, and everyone's favorite showman, Damon Killian!
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Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and reponses, as well as to maintain our own sanity.
Some of you still haven't figured out that we can tell when you cheat.
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This was the SECOND largest response file ever, so Iron Fist, etc.
My prediction: Hobbes will win by default. Wolverine, ever the impatient one, decides to ignore the audience member chosen to select the first chaser. Raising his middle claw to Edith Wiggins, who continues blubbering her indecision, he barks out a "later, bub" to Damon and dashes after the contestants. The Joker will be the first hunted down by Wolverine. Since he comes from the Batman movie, he'll head for the first volatile chemicals factory to confront the good guys (the favorite place for the big showdown with the good guys), and set up a bunch of silly traps that Wolverine will hack and slash through with ease. However, the factory, having been damaged in the earthquake, has mixed its chemicals into an even more volatile goop than usual. When he gets beat in the typical batman style, he hops into a vat, hoping to mutate his spleen into a seductive, penguin-like, plant-controlling monstrosity obsessed with riddles. As he falls into the vat, he pulls the string on his laughing bag. However, the chemical interaction between the clown make-up on his face and the chemicals in giant, chain-reaction explosion that takes out the entire first game quad and Wolverine in a massive chemical fire inferno. Of course, this means that any runners remaining in the first quadrant have gone the way of the flame-broiled whopper. There being plenty of time that has already expired, only the painfully slow contenders are torched. Mr. Hawking, ambling along in his chair, sees the fiery tidal wave coming towards him, but figures that, since the second law of thermodynamics doesn't apply to him, he has nothing to fear. He contemplates this error for a few milliseconds while he becomes a well-done meal on wheels for the surviving rats, who have the good sense to hide underground. In his final moment on this earth, he discovers a new physics law that will revolutionize life as we know it, or at least make a lot of money for him in a book targeted at the ignorant masses before it is proven wrong. Oh, well. Emperor Palpatine, without his shuttle, his red imperial guards, or Vader to protect him, is toast. Realizing that the end is near, he decides to go out with a bang, and uses his cheesy lighning powers to fry the contestant in front of him: Dr. Evil. He always hated Dr Evil for the constant impersonation and stolen lines; payback time, baby! Mad Max isn't slow, but he gets toasted, too. Why? He finds an old semi in quad 1 and decides to run down his competitors on the way to freedom, but needs to find gas, or at least a bunch of pigs eating refried beans. That leads him to the volatile chemical factory, where he burns up, contemplating how his death mirrors the nuclear holocaust that burned up his world. Escaping from the charred charnnel house of quad 1 are Hobbes and Jackie Chan. They're going neck and neck all the way through quad 2, when the next X-man finally catches up with them. And it's Beast! He's furious; at first, he thought himself above these non-intellectual games, but the loss of fellow-genius Stephen Hawking made him madder than a worm-eating, satanic nympho on the Jerry Springer show. Jackie and Hobbes race by the city dump, and Jackie stops. The city dump is the only insanely complicated urban environment he hasn't had any cinematic combat in. Drawn by the many random objects, piles, cranes, and power tools, he decides to stop there and challenge his chaser. What follows could be a great grudge match in itself, and I'm not going to decide who wins. The fight takes a long time, and while Beast and Jackie are going at it, Hobbes takes a liesurely stroll across the finish line, licking the last of his tuna sandwich off his fingers. Hobbes always has the advantage in games like this. Grudge matches by rule take place in weird environments with weird rules, and given Hobbes' experience with Calvinball, he was bound to do it. After crossing the finish-line, he hops into his transmogrifier, turns into a Sabertooth tiger, and eats the studio audience. - Hey, I know this was long, but it beats doing calculus!
Okay guys, seriously, this is a no brainer. First of all, the X-men are being used as the hunters. Since most of the competitors aren't evil mutants, they fall outside their jurisdiction. Besides, aside from Wolverine, they normally don't hunt down and kill people. I'll just chalk this up to mind control. First time they try to kill someone, Jean Gray will realize "hero's don't kill!" and break the effects of the mind control. They'll then go on to attack Damon, who will turn out to be a disguised Apocolypse. Ratings triple from the following Mutant Smackdown(TM) (on pay-per-view for only $29.95!). As for the competitors... Even if the X-men don't attack them, they're still having to make it through a hostile environment filled with death traps, in addition to trying to kill each other. With the exception of Mad Max, Hobbes, and Jackie Chan, they all fall under the designation of "feeble, crusty old white men." You think any of them would last in the bad neighborhoods of a major Metropolitan city for more than five seconds? Hobbes, without Calvin to power his body through his imagination, is just a stuffed tiger. He ain't going anywhere. Even if he could, he's used to living and walking in a two dimensional environment. First time he needs to make a 90 degree turn when walking anywhere, and he's stuck. This comes down to Jackie Chan vs. Mad Max. The rules of their two different genres create a problem here. In a lot of martial arts comics/movies, one martial artist can take down an entire room of thugs with machine guns without being shot. In the hardcore actions flicks, people like Mad Max tend to just shoot (or punch) the Awesome Martial Artist(TM) with no difficulty, which is supposed to provide some comic relief, as well as show what a badass they are. So, I'm going to say Mad Max is going to win, if for no reason than most of his fans will vote for him because they think he's got a cute butt, or they're a member of the Braveheart Jihad (there is no Jihad). - Shadowknight
This grudge match takes place on The Running Men. The match the Hobbes won was a race. It seems to me that races and running would involve similar skills. Not to mention evasion. Hobbes is a Tiger(tm) (incidently, this means that, unless he goes blind, he has the Eye of The Tiger.) Tigers survive by hunting in the jungle, which they acomplish by hiding and ambush. If anything, Hobbes will account for a couple of X-men before sprinting off over the horizon. But it's not like he has any real competition. Let's give them a run over (literaly)... Jackie Chan - He is unable to win, as he has a Saturday Morning Cartoon on The WB!(tm). This means, in short, that he sucks. Jubilee and Jade, Jackie's Perky Neice, get in a catfight over Darth Maul, thus drawing the attention of the other X's. Mad Max - Sheesh. This guy wore black leather in the middle of the Australian Outback? I.Q.-wise, I'd say this ranks just above Bill & Ted(tm) and just below library paste. None of the X-men will even have to do anything; he'll just wander onto one of Cyclop's RedWhatEverTheHeckItIs beams(tm). Just for fun, Jean will give him a hallucination that he's being stalked by Tina's Hair. Stephen Hawking - What? WHAT?! He can't even walk, How's he supposed to run? Prof. X beats him up and steals his fancy chair(tm). Dr. Evil - He might have a chance, were he not Shrek(tm). As it is, he will immediatly meet up with Eddie Murphy, and won't be able to get rid of him. And it's kind of hard to be inconspicuous when you're accompanied by a Loud Motormouth Who Thinks He Is Funny(tm). He goes down in the first zone. The Joker - Halfway through the course, he gets interrupted by Mark Hamil, who's wining about how HE's the Joker. Jack gasses him, but the commotion attracts the attention of Gambit, who suggests a game of cards. Unable to resist a facet of his own gimmick, the Joker accepts. The Cajun deals. Boom. Emperor Palpatine (If that's really his name) - Using The Force(tm), He succesfully evades all his pursuers and is about to exit the final area, when he sees a small crowd moving in his direction. For, in defeating Q, he awakened another force. A force more dread than Cthulhu, more unpredictable than English Soccer Hooligans, more single- minded than The Braveheart Jihad (there is no Jihad). Trekkies. With Q defeated, they knew there was no way that Star Trek could ever win a match. So they set out to seek revenge... The Emperor fights his way past them, (They're just flabby nerdboys after all.) when he feels a light tap on his temple. He turns and gets Fried(tm) by his own purple lightning, stolen by Rouge. And, adding the ultimate insult to injury, she has the Emporer's own weight in chiuahuahs clean up the mess. Hobbes goes home with a shiny new WWWF Bowl Cup, and the X-men receive some lovely parting gifts. - Antidisestablishmentairianism
Hands down Hobbes.
- Mad Mario This is a contest? Emperor Palpatine can read people's thoughts from several light-years away, produce more energy than ConEd, and even defeated AN OMNIPOTENT BEING on this website! (Ok, Q is from Star Trek, but still not too shabby!) I see two possibilites here: 1. Palpatine waves his hand at his competitors - "You are my servant." [Unlucky competitors] - "I am your servant." What else can they do? The Force is not with them. 2. Palpatine blasts everyone and everything within ten city blocks with lethal energy, then pulls out a communicator and says "Begin landing your troops. Wipe them out. All of them." and a million Stormtroopers land and overwhelm everybody. (He's Emperor of an ENTIRE GALAXY, after all.) Of course the Emperor would come up with something better, like a few dozen clones of Darth Maul, but the outcome would not be in doubt. - Trey Hobbes. He's got it in the bag. Here's why:
He'll run all of his opponents - Dr. Evil is a buffoon, the Joker is spastic, Mad Max will be busy admiring Cyclops's form-fitting costume, Stephen Hawking is actually dead, Jackie Chan will pull his groin on the nearest step-ladder, and Emporer Palpatine will be trying to turn Wolverine to the darkside. His cat-like (nay, completely cat) reflexes and speed will send Hobbes ahead of the pack, evading the best that the X-Men have to offer. - Spaceman Spiff Dr. Evil will take this one. He has a giant laser and a minature clone! What could be more deadly than that! If those don't work he can travel back in time in his "Big Boy" ship and kill all of these foes when they're on the crapper! (Have you ever wondered if the Emperor ever craps?) - Josh Top 5 reasons why Hobbes will win, and possibly even have time to go back and maul a few competitors: 5. Hobbes is a Tiger, tigers run fast. 4. Tigers is a cartoon character. Meaning he's not limited to "reality", like all other competitors. 3. Hobbes is an acronym for Homicicidal Orange and Black tiger Bearing Extreme Speed. 2. You've seen Hobbes play football. Clavin's at the 10, he's at the other 10, and still manages to tackle him. 1. There is always a tuna fish sandwich at the end, and he knows that. - Spooner Hmmm.... Let's see. I have to give it to the X-men here. This is why. The X-men have already defeated some type of each of the same archtypes as they are up against now. Examples:
The Joker: Crazy comic book villian. X-men: too many to mention. - Sliverthorn With the setting being based on an action movie, the only contestants who are really in their elements are Jackie Chan and Mad Max. And it doesn't take a genius to tell you that pitting an Australian terrorist against Jackie Chan is like pitting a jelly donut against Roseanne in a cage match. - Vermin Boy I was going to do a long, involved Tale of the Tape(tm), when I realized that I had overlooked two critical facts.
One: the meek shall inherit the earth. Who is not only the fastest and most agile of the contenders, but also the most unassuming? Hobbes! He's a stuffed animal, for crying out loud! But have you seen him run? He's an orange blur! The way I see it, Hobbes either gets through the quads in 15 minutes, or Jubilee finds him and, squealing with joy at seeing a cute stuffed tiger wearing jams, takes him home with her. - Wakefire Hank McCoy is a scientist, so he heads out, picks up Hawking, and runs him, piggyback style, to the finish line out of professional courtesy. It's a victory for science. - Inspectah Mac Hobbes. He survived Calvinball. He can survive anything. - Gretel Being that this is a "tournament" of champions, I present to you the order of elimination, in round robin fashion: 1.) First to go is the Emporer, being that he...well, should not figure into this match, as, in a righteous, competent reality (I know, I know...oxymoron) Q would have blow him oh...about 200 dimensions away. (Bitter? No, I'm not bitter. You wouldn't be bitter if you were an OMNIPOTENT being done in by hordes of belly-scratching Star Wars fanboys, would you?!?) 2.) Next offed is the good Doctor. While Hawking was an early dark- horse in this battle, I uncovered 5 words that spell his demise: "Episode #152 - 'Descent Part I'. That's right folks...Dr. Hawking once guest-starred on an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. And, as the old Grudge Match adage goes, Star Trek Cannot Win. Unless, of course, you happen to be omnipotent or fly around in a ship resembling a Rubik's Cube From Hell (TM). 3.) Hobbes does well for himself until security apprehends Calvin, who was found trying to seal all but one escape route with several cubic pounds of Bubble Yum (TM). His only assistance gone, Hobbes soon finds himself game for Beast. 4.) The X-Men crew is forced to abandon when Beast gets sick and begins coughing up strange orange and black hairballs and moaning something about being "tuna intolerant". 5.) Mad Max lets loose with the cry of "freedom!" and is trampled to death by hordes of rabid Scottish Soccer Hooligans (TM). His head is then mounted atop the London Bridge. 6.) Jackie Chan, having little to no props to beat people up with, radios the L.A.P.D. in an attempt to locate his partner, Chris Tucker. Unfortunately, recent strikes in LA have left many cops without work, and forced to work as "stalkers" themselves. Jackie falls victim to the old "Indiana Jones" malady, which states: "Man with Kung Fu no match against Big Honking Ass Guns (TM)". 7.) Dr. Evil, certain of victory, whips out a hidden remote control. The floor opens up to reveal...the BIG BOY SHUTTLE! Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth (who is also a runner based upon his reported co- conspiracy with Hobbes in the tuna-running incendent) board and prepare to lift off when Dr. Evil notices that the airlock in the cockpit has sealed up and begun to fill with... 8.) ...SMYLEX GAS!!! One does not keep the Batman on his toes without being several moves ahead, as was the Joker in this case. The entire arena is gassed. Days later, the Joker appears on "The Running Man" as the new host, with the lovely Harley Quinn as his Vanna. Strange...the audience doesn't seem to be making much noise. Or doing much of anything, in fact. But at least they appear SOOOO incandescently happy... - RoboGoober98 Okay, I've witheld comments long enough. I used to comment alla' the dang-blasted time, but lately I've had writer's (responder's?) block... I missed rooting for the Croc Hunter and I failed to go commercial, but how can I pass up this little annual ditty? Here's the ones who get taken out early:
Hobbes-- realizes people are watching him and reverts back to "stuffed" mode. Escapes unharmed, but is kept under constant supervision, meaning he's stuck as a cute li'l stuffed tiger 'till nigh doomsday... or the sequel. This leaves: Mad Max, Jackie Chan, the Joker, Prof. Stephen Hawking, and the X-Men. Well, let's look at this from a few different views and rate the remaining contestants... 5 is the best, 0 is the worst (duh). Power: Mad Max has a gun-thing or something and cool post- apocalyptic thingamajaggers. 3 Jackie Chan has martial arts and crazy Steve Irwin-esque insanity, as well as alla' those damned magic talismans. 4 The Joker has taken on the likes of Wonder Woman, Spider-Man, Superman, and of course, Batman using only his insanity and some gadgetry. Not to mention he's gained nigh-omnipotence not once, not twice, not thrice, but um... many, many times. 5 Prof. Stephen Hawking has tried to figure out GOD. MATHEMATICALLY. I can't even balance my checkbook. 5 The X-Men have stood up to Galactus, Dark Phoenix, Thanos, and other uber-powered Marvel Universe denizens. 5 Okay, say that the power factor edged out Jackie and Mad Max. Now, there's Joker, Hawking, and X-Men.... Intellect: Joker outsmarts the world's greatest detective time and time again. He also easily escapes from some of the most sophisticate prisons/asylums/etc. and has matched wits against those much more dangerous than he... and lived. 5 Hawking is so smart, he don't need no steenking paragraph to tell ya how smart he is! THAT'S how smart he is!.... or something. Now I'm all confused. The X-Men don't even know their own backstories... their history and future are constantly rewritten. There are some smarties on the team, but there are some real dumbells, too. 3 This leaves Joker vs. Hawking in a breathtaking run to the end... Joker does what comes naturally and tries to kill the wheelchaired genius-- only to discover he's been duped! Hawking actually finished 3.67593 hours before Joker caught up with his holographic decoy. Y'see, as evidenced in the Simpsons, Prof. Hawking has tons of gadgetry in his little wheelchair-- not to mention he NEVER makes a mistake... something not even the Joker can admit to. Still, Joker pulls a fast one on the guards and releases Smilex, killing the guards, studio audience, and that Richard Dawson guy. Then, all the contestants decide to team up and fight crime in a future time... hmmm... perhaps I shouldn't have eaten all those spoiled clams.... Ah well. - Noel Schornhorst (the idiot) The key strategy to winning "The Running Man" is that headlong action ALWAYS loses. Ah-nuldt beat the Stalkers because he used his noggin to outsmart them first. So look at these contestants: ALL of them suffer from extreme testosterone poisoning... except for one. This edition of "The Running Man" ends with an electric whirring breaking the silence, as Stephen Hawking rolls his wheelchair over the heap of corpses of contestants and X-Men. It takes him an additional 15 hours to maneuver through all four gaming quads, but as the sole survivor he wins by default (and gets the bonus Stalker contract from Killian). - Chris 'Jedi' Knight, minor-league Stalker Well, the fact that Steven Hawking has appeared on Star Trek (and not as a bad guy [played poker with Newton, Einstien, and Data on the Holodeck [tm, Paramount Pictures], and was winning until a red-alert [tm, Gene Roddenberry] interrupted the game]) and won a Grudge Match means one of either two things:
(a) - His Grudge Match was held in
the presence of the Infinite Improbability Generator (or Heart of Gold [tm,
some smarty-pants janitor]).
Therefore, we may conclude that either he or a fan of his has the Heart of
Gold on his/her/its person.
Therefore, as the most Improbable canditate to win a footrace, Dr. Hawking
has this Grudge
Match in the bag. -or-
Either way,
the Good Doctor [tm, whoever first came up with the phrase] wins the race
- James
7. Stephen Hawking is
definitely the least cool.
As much as I hate to hack on a Real Person (TM), and as much as his book
was good enough to cause me to blow a
frontal lobe, neither he nor it is cool. Not even any cool lines.
This is where things get difficult. On the one hand,
we have a man who was hit by a
HELICOPTER and finished making the movie anyway. On the other hand, we
have a man who offers his adversaries
in a professional voice the choice between severe self-mutilation and
certain death, rather than deal with
them himself. These are two very cool guys, although neither really had any
cool lines and there is no hint of
any Evil Laugh (TM) from either of them. This demonstrates the near-paradox
that these two men transcend the narrow
boundaries of coolness and each thereby approaches the Nirvana of Mentos
Cool (TM). However, there can only be one.
The way I see it, Mad Max handcuffs Chan by his leg to a pipe and gives him
a hacksaw, then makes for the finish.
Chan ACTUALLY DOES cut his foot off at the ankle, catches Max on one foot
and beats him soundly with a refrigerator,
a pinball machine and a stray goat. Chan finishes first and then proceeds
to pummel the predictably reneged pardon
out of Damon with his severed foot. The X-Men are a non-factor because,
before he even started running, Jackie Chan
waited around for each of them and finished them all off like so many
Generic Early-Movie Thugs (TM).
- Matthew J.D. Moir
1. Cyclops uses his laser vision to melt Hawking's wheelchair
control...he's out.
I mean, come on, people. They're comic book superheroes. Everyone
knows the heroes don't die!
- Scotty J.
- The BrakYeller
- Flyincheezweasel
This year's summer bash, or,
as they're calling it in Hell, One Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat vs.
Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner,
is one of the duller matches I've seen on this site**. I mean, come on.
Nasty sharp claws and big pointy teeth
versus the guy from What Women Want and his leather pajaamas?
Please.
Oooh, look, an
Austin Powers reference. Lemme tell you something: maybe, say, Dick Chaney
considers Austin Power quotes to be
"xtreme cool" (as they said in the last decade), but the rest of us are
goddamn tired of it. The minute he makes
the little quote gestures and says "laser", his throat is gonna be torn
apart like wrapping paper at Christmas, and
all the world will be a better place for it.
The rest of
them aren't, of course, even worth mentioning.
The former two aren't either, except as examples of the carnage that will
ensue. I count no less than one geriatric
monarch, one overhyped member of Hong Kong's Olympic gymnastic team, and,
for Bob's sake, a bunch of freaks led around
by Captain Picard. Do I need to remind you people of Star Trek's
track record in these parts?
There is only one competitor here that will give pause.
Mr. Hawking's stylish, brushed-steel
cripplemobile will probably hold up rather well to the vise-like jaws and
ravaging claws of the Hobbes beast,
but this will avail him naight: there can be little doubt that Stevy H's
postulations won't hold up to Hobbe's
stringent peer review, and Hawking will have to retire in shame to teach
remedial mathematics at a community
college somewhere.
Let's see if we can get Hobbes within striking
distance of Regis, **not including the ones I've commented on, of
course.
- Lardawg
What's left is a close race between the X-men, Jackie Chan, and Hobbes,
this being the
inevitable outcome: Jackie Chan, already pushed too close to the edge by
one too many movies
with Chris Tucker, will take one look at a talking stuffed tiger and simply
freak out. While
he's aimlessly wandering the streets muttering something about 'fried
chicken' and 'melting
hair,' the X-men will begin to close in on poor Hobbes. This, however, is
when Hobbes pulls
out his secret weapon. Disguising himself as a simple stuffed animal, he
will appeal to the
X-men's lost youth. They will remember all the innocent childhood memories
that were
snatched away from them because they were hideous mutants. They will feel
the need to frolic
among the dandy lions and slip Kool-aid on the porch. Depressed and
harboring a sudden deep
resentment for Prof. X, they will turn away and zoom back to H.Q. ready to
beat the cr*p out
of that old, bald guy who stole them from their loving families and trained
them to be
merciless violence mongers. In short: Hobbes gets a pardon, Xavier gets a
whoopin'.
- No Name Jake
The Emperor may have the power of the darkside, but he is so decrepit that he
can barely walk away from the dias his throne is on. He may be able to
cook everyone else with lightning bolts from his fingertips, but he could
not cross the game grid in time even if nobody was left alive to stop him,
he's disaqualified for not making it in three hours and is executed
(assuming he doesn't run the corrupt government). Jackie Chan was starred
in a movie called "Mr. Nice Guy" need i say more. The joker is too
confused an evil villain. he created batman by kiling Mr. and Mrs. Wayne,
inspiring young bruce to fight crime. Batman created the joker by dropping
him into a vat of acid. The whole irony of mortal enemies being so only
because they made each other who they are has eliminated his instinct for
killing superheroes. Batman is just smart and has those wonderful toys,
the X-Men have superpowers. How about Gambit charging up a joker from his
deck of cards to blow up the joker? Comic book villians lose to comic book
heroes. Hobbes is already stuffed, he is just waiting for his head to be
mounted on the wall. The x-men encounter the problem of having professor X
in a wheelchair- see steven hawkings. They also are the shills for a
corrupt regime, and everyone knows the shills for a corrupt regime
oppressing the masses through deception will always lose, its one of the
most important rules in all of popular entertainment. By supporting the
corporate suits and crooked politicians, society will not allow them to
win.
Mad Max and The RAGE Tm of having pyscho bikers force him to become
such a bad ass by kiling his wife and corrupting the law and order of a
highway patrol guy that he was able to kill that guy with the shrunken head
floating on a pole above his top knot on TWO occasions (Road Warrior and
Thunderdome) both while the guy with the head was chasing him through a big
running man style death race, once with a tractor trailer and once with a
train ( a train for gods sakes, when was the last time a train was used
successfully in a battle, the Civil War?) Killing the same guy twice (in
case you haven't noticed- it was the Same guy he killed Twice- normally an
impossible feat, but he did it. If that is not enough to be able to win a
fixed game show, i dont know what is, even if it does revive Tina Turners
career and at least guys everywhere got to check out her legs, almost
offsetting her comeback.
- The gyrocopter pilot (i can also fly ultralights)
- Trey "too much time" Dodd
and Laughter echoed through the cosmos... - Obscured Underlord, diminishing the self...
For more responses, head over to Page 2
Since the rules of the game make no sense, I conclude that Hobbes, given his years of Calvinball experience, will be victorious.
- Jeffrey
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