"... with less than two minutes to go in this World Cup semifinal match, France's one-nil lead against England seems secure. A terrible disappointment, Trevor, for an English squad with such high hopes, and such fervent support."
"Indeed so, Nigel. All eighty thousand seats here are filled with English football fans who bought, begged, mugged, bludgeoned, or pillaged their way in. We understand the French Army is on highest alert, ringing the stadium in case things get out of hand. Fortunately so far, the debris thrown on the field has been kept to a few metric tonnes, and only one section of the stadium is currently on fire. They are taking this defeat well."
"That they are, Trevor, although our plucky footballers are not finished yet. They have the ball at midfield, controlled by Batty, passing to McManaman, running down the near sideline, centering pass to Sheringham, ahead to Shearer, shot -- GOOOOAAAA--no. No, the offside flag is up. The goal does not count."
"And the fans are not taking this call well, Nigel. Yes, there are several thousand running onto the pitch. Some are dismembering the referee ... there goes a linesman down ... the French goalie is putting up a struggle, but there, they've got his head off ... this would result in significant stoppage time, except I don't believe there are any players or officials left alive to carry on the game."
"I can see some heading for the exits, Trevor, and those French soldiers are certainly going to have their hands full. Now it appears they are breaking down our announcing booth door, and will most likely slaughter us in grisly fashion. On that note, we will transfer coverage to Gerald in our London studio. For Trevor Trevelyan, this is Nigel Cholmondeley signing off from Sta--YAAAAHHHHH--glukk-k-k!!!"
So, John, will frenzied football fanatics flay their fighting French foes?
Visit the official FIFA France 98 site!
JOHN: Well, Shane, this one is a lock from the start. The English soccer hooligans win in a landslide - a landslide of French corpses.
First of all, and most importantly, the hooligans are "pess droonk" - this being a prerequisite for hooliganism™. Under the intoxicating influence of...well, intoxicants, the hooligans will pay no heed to pain, remorse or concern for life and limb, and will gladly trample through any substance - glass, flesh, concrete, gunfire - in pursuit of violence, sweet violence. Their gin-fuelled mayhem has left countless bodies and millions of dollars of property damage in their wake. Outside of World Cup play, they've been banned from a whole slew of European countries, and incidentally from my house as well (can you blame me?). By the way, have you ever noticed that the themes in most hooligan football chants/songs run along the following lines: 1) You're shite 2) Your team is shite 3) We're drunk 4) We'll gladly kick your shite asses up and down the street 5) You are the product of an illegitimate sexual liaison 6) Did we mention we're drunk? 7) We're coming over there right now!
Not only do the Brits have brute force going for them, but also the stealth factor as well. As Iain Daeglish of Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly reminds us, when under siege, hooligans have the unique ability to burrow into police horses via the rectal canal and hide out until the coast is clear. (The immersion in gin is key to overcoming the smell associated with this defensive tactic).
Another factor going for the hooligans is that the vast majority of them are on the dole and thus have no other distractions stopping them from honing their hooliganism to a fine art. On the other hand, officers in the French army are constantly busy with all sorts of diversions - for example, acting haughty, practicing their wine snobbery and learning how to say "I surrender" in countless different languages. While the gendarmes spread themselves thin, the soccer hooligans concentrate on the one thing they do best - their hooliganism™. It is their driving mission, their raison d'être, their purpose.
Finally, at heart, this boils down to England vs. France, an incredibly lopsided affair. Who won the battle of the Plains of Abraham? The English! Who impaled the Vichy regime? The Brits! Were the French even remotely able to stop the British invasion of the 1960s? No! (Pop (npi) quiz: name three French rock stars. Okay, name one.) With such lackluster competition, the soccer hooligans choke the Seine with French dead and take on some real competition - that giant asteroid hurtling towards Earth (the hooligans win that one, too)
SHANE: Astonishing. You take the hooligans' prime weaknesses--drunkenness, welfare dependency, and affinity for horses' colons--and pretend they're strengths. Here are some real strengths for you. I'll type slowly, so you can understand.
1: Training. Soccer hooligans have no discipline. You're apparently the only person who can understand their chants, they're so bad at unified behavior. They are 80,000 individuals, compared to the concerted force of the French Army, who by the way won't be diverted by practicing arrogance and snobbery. They're French: it comes naturally.
2: Numbers. Eighty thousand English hooligans, versus a French army numbering about 240,000, plus 93,000 in the gendarmerie. Four to one odds don't look good, even when you're drunk on Guinness Extra Stout.
3: Strategic Position. The French have Stade de France surrounded. No chance for the Brits to pull a Dunkirk this time.
4: Weaponry. The yobbos have whatever clubs and shivs they smuggled through the Chunnel™, shattered pieces of chairs and goalposts, and of course, their own thick skulls. Impressive, but no match for machine guns, artillery pieces, and the occasional overflight of Mirage jets. And oh, let's see them try to burrow up the exhaust pipe of a tank. Should be good for some laughs.
5: Diet. English soccer fans subsist on English food. Enough said. They won't have the stamina for a prolonged struggle. The French, however, dine on the miracle red-wine-and cheese regimen that prolongs life and baffles scientists. The frogs and snails are merely brilliant subterfuge, to discourage outsiders from sampling their Fountain of Youth™.
6: Culture. The French detest the English, more than any other foreigners, for the perversion of their language with mutant franglais and McDonald's. Yes, I know McDonald's is American, and no, the French won't care in their Rage™ to hurl the invaders off their shores, by any means necessary. Which leads to...
7: Nukes. The French have them, and aren't afraid to use them, as anyone in Greenpeace will tell you. (Getting the Greenpeacenik to shut up is the bigger challenge.) One low-yield warhead, and this is over. Any muttering about radioactive contamination will be drowned out by the worldwide acclaim for those who finally rid the world of the English Soccer Hooligan (barbaricus britannicus).
JOHN: Oh no, the French are enraged! Not the French! Oh God save us all!
A case study using the same opponent: Hooligans vs. Italy, dateline 1997 - despite a ban, several hundred hooligans lay waste to a soccer stadium and the surrounding area. The Italians catch a grand total of three of them. French army vs. Italy, dateline 1939 - Italy invades France and after several days of deliberation, France capitulates and starts making armaments for the Axis powers. Boy, fat lot of good the "superior" weapons and training did Shane's Vaunted French Army™ (now with new snail flavour!). Contrast this with the superhooligans generated by the infamous Chelsea's "Headhunters" and West Ham's "Inter City Firm" clubs, and you'll agree that the tactical advantage lies squarely with the hooligans.
Oh, and Shane - if you have a) 240,000 French army personnel b) surrounding the stadium and c) drop a low-yield warhead on the stadium, you're minus 240,000 French army personnel, kapish? Meanwhile, the hooligans, cloaked in their protective aura of Gin™, seek further protection from the radiation by climbing into horses' asses (a tactic which you so callously dismiss).
(I'm not even going to touch the uniquely French notion of "victory" which involves dropping a nuclear weapon on your own capital city)
And finally, I point to your ridiculous claim that English hooligans subsist on English food. Nonsense! English football hooligans subsist on booze - hard-core booze - high octane fuel suitable for rocket propulsion or street-level carnage. The French, with their possibly healthy but undeniably effeminate diet (face it, how many riots do you see erupting at a wine and cheese party?) will be no match for the alcohol-maddened swarm of British fans swarming over Paris after an unjustified loss.
After this match-up, Shane-o, the "City of Lights" becomes the "City of lights out"
SHANE: I finally understand your fascination with equine anuses. That must be where you have your head.
First, to correct your pathetically rewritten history. It was Nazi Germany who walloped France in 1940. It was already over when Italy invaded, and they still couldn't get past the border gates. Indeed, this example should help negate the whole "French surrender" stereotype. Who does it always take to beat the French? Germans, the meanest military machine the world has ever seen, or cares to. There's no more shame in losing a war to Germany than in losing a Home Run Derby™ to Mark McGwire. There was no Germany when Napoleon reigned, and look how well he did. QED.
Second, yes, the hooligans are fueled by booze. English booze: room-temperature beer, gin distilled from industrial solvents or sheep urine(whichever's cheaper), and a wine industry that consists of eating a grape before downing the aforementioned gin. Their brains are thus hopelessly fried, which explains their mindless violence. As a famed American educator once noted, "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life."
Third, of course the French won't nuke the stadium. Their cities are worth saving, as opposed to the English, whose architecture is so bad even Prince Charles knows it. They will simply employ a little strategy (™, Napoleon. See above).
The French army will open a small hole in their lines, exposing road signs showing the way to EuroDisney. The hooligans will gleefully stampede that way, excited by the prospect of beating up innocent families and drudges in mouse and duck costumes. Once the English are all there, it's time to drop The Big One, with or without Slim Pickens. Thus, the French rid their land both of the English and of the creeping cultural invasion that caused them so much Rage™.
And just to demolish all your arguments, the French Army has managed to modernize in the last century. No horses, so no convenient rectal hideaways, despite the yobbos begging for somewhere to cower from the frothing Frenchies. A pity: it is just the right place for them.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section |
Tell a friend about this match
I would like to introduce something into this commentary that is all- but-unheard-of in the Grudge; Evidence Based on Real Life Observations (TM).
I had the displeasure of visiting Europe several summers ago (I wasn't an Ugly American when I left, but I sure as hell was before I got back). In England, I took in a soccer game at Wembley, and was allowed to participate in a free-for-all with the Hooligans (brought on in no small part by my calling it "soccer.") I noticed what anyone who has been in a barfight knows; you CANNOT knock out a drunk. Period. The only way to K.O. a drunken brawler is to wait for his liver to give out and do it for you. These guys, while not in the same league as my fellow Texans, were quite tough. One guy actually head-butted my fist. No joke. It hurt, too. And they don't lose much power of reason while they're inebriated, either, or how else could Labor have won the most recent elections, ensuring the Hooligans' continued income?
France, on the other hand... A few weeks later, I'm in a barroom brawl in Paris. I didn't even think France had barfights, but apparently the translator dictionary I had was published by that same guy who wrote the English/Hungarian one in the Monty Python sketch. Anyway, a unit of French soldiers shows up (soldiers, not police-- WTF?), and promptly get folded like lawn furniture. I mean, one actually went for his sidearm and got knocked out BY A WAITRESS.
My observations are thus: France's military can't even beat its own drunken citizenry, who, I might add, are beyond doubt the biggest bunch of wusses in Europe. When you factor in that I had already been "softened up" by the Brits, I think it's fair to conclude that the Cordon Bleu will be teaching how to make Fish & Chips in short order.
P.S.,
<shameless plug>
This entire experience wasn't for naught. I wrote it up in a paper
and got an "A" from my Comparative Government class (three jeers for
Higher Education). I called it "Barroom Brawling your way across
Europe," and it's coming to a website near you.
</shameless plug>
- Phil
John, just change your handle to "Buttmaster General", because it's obvious that the only thinking you did was about the equine rectum. Please seek help before your obsession with becoming a human road apple cripples your mind. While stationed at remote military bases I witnessed many attempts to subsist on alcohol alone. It can't be done. The English diet, along with the other circumstances of soccer hooligan-hood all contribute to a recently cured medical condition, which will be the their undoing.
The French will set up hundreds of signs reading "Free Viagra This Way" which point the way to a large park. The hooligans, impotent to a man,will stampede there like lemmings, where legions of well armed Frenchmen are waiting to turn them into Swiss Yobbo or (with surgical Mirage strikes) White Trash Flambe'. A few of the less nimble French soldiers are trampled into something resembling Spaghettios (tm), but they're the only casualties.
All Europe rejoices as the reign of terror ends. French restaurants begin serving yobbo meat to unsuspecting American tourists so that their waiters don't have to waste precious loogies. Stanley Kubrick makes the Oscar (tm) winning film version featuring Jerry Lewis and Gerard "I love ze smell of napalm in ze morning." DePardieu. The French Army wins back it's self-respect, the first Nobel Peace Prize ever awarded to a military organization, and (as a gift of thanks from England) The Protein Mass Formerly Known as Ginger Spice, to do with as they please.
- Mr. Silverback- un gorille de 181,82 kilogrammes
Ultimately this comes down to an England vs. France debate:
1. Names: Nigel vs. Pierre. Who would you rather have backing you
up in a barfight? "Vee need help! Go get PIERRE!" sorry. Not as
good as "Nigel's gonna crush yer noggin in!"
England 1, France 0
2. Normans vs Saxons: OK, the French get this one.
England 1, France 1.
3. Military Might: The FRENCH army? Puh-leeze! Even the Italian Army makes jokes about them. The French did not want their beautiful buildings destroyed. This sounds like the barroom equivalent of "Not my face! Not my face! Please don't hurt me, you win!"
As for those overpowering numbers, remove the pastry chefs, wine
tasters, waiters and the entire Vespa repair team, and that brings the
French army down to about 4 guys. Guy ("Pronounced GEE you stupid
BRIT!"), Andre, Pierre,and Jaques. England stormed Normandy. A
FRENCH beach, mind you...
England 2, France 1
4. Andre the Giant vs. The British Bulldog. Only one is still
alive. So much for Red Wine and lots of steroids being good for your
heart.
England 3, France 1
5. Cars: The Lotus vs. Le Car.....I don't think we really need to
pursue this one further.
England 4, France 1
6. Teeth: Hmmm....score one for France.
England 4, France 2
7. England suffers a 1 point penalty for introducing the Spice Girls
onto the World.
England 3, France 2
8. Food: Yes, French food tastes better, but the English actually
SURVIVED their own cooking! English food is meant to be horrible, to
weed out the smaller, weaker, and older members of English society.
This is according to Darwin's "Fish 'n' Chips evolution" : only the
strongest, most English will survive. French food just makes you fat.
England 4, France 2
9. Women: Both look about the same, but that French accent on a
good looking babe is a killer turn-on all over the world.
England 4, France 3
10. England loses another point for introducing the Teletubbies to
the rest of the world.
England 3, France 3
11. Finally, secret agents: Inspector Clouseau vs James Bond.
England 4, France 3
England wins in a close one, due to my personal belief that they had something to do with Ginger Spice getting kicked out of the band.
- Budo, proud to be an American!!!
("Name three French rock stars. Okay, name one.")
I know of one French rock star- Rick Dufay. When Joe Perry quit Aerosmith, Rick stepped in for him and finished all the songs on Rock In A Hard Place. Rick stayed with them until Joe and Brad rejoined for Done With Mirrors.
- Nick Zachariasen
Nothing French could *ever* win a Grudge Match. If the next match were Pancakes vs. French Toast, then pancakes would win. If it were Getting to First Base vs. French Kissing, then getting to first base would win. But I suppose that one would be obvious.
Allow me to demonstrate why France sucks so bad... When Michael Eisner brought EuroDisney to France (bringing 1000's of jobs, and pumping millions into the local economy), the stupid French threw tomatoes at him, because Disney isn't indicative of French culture. What should he have done, slap a beret on Donald Duck? Stupid, cheese-swilling dopes. As if French Tourism is so good. What have they got, the Eiffel Tower? Looks like a huge Erector Set. They should tip the Eiffel Tower on its side and use it as a directional sign to point the way to EuroDisney.
So, in what has to be the biggest mismatch ever in Grudge Match history, the Hooligans run rampant, while the survivors of French Army huddle in a corner and sing the score from Les Miserables.
- 1/2 Nelson
Let's examine Shane's arguments, shall we?
1: Training. Soccer hooligans have no discipline? These are the grandsons of the men who stormed the beaches of Normandy. They're used to fighting in France. They no the terrian, they know the enemy. The British have fought the French off and on for three hundred years! I'll admit that I would be happier if this battle could be fought at sea (the natural element of the Limey), but even on land I'll put a Guinness-drinking British soccer fan against a wine-swilling French draftee "soldier" any day.
2: Numbers. Let's quote the only great Frenchman who ever lived. "In war, the moral is to the physical as 3 to 1" You know who said that? Didn't think so. It was Napoleon. Yep. That's right. Napoleon. That means that spirit is three times as important as mere numbers. Who has more spirit? A wild, drunken soccer fan or a French soldier? British, hands down.
3: Strategic Position. Fighting outward from the center, the British will have interior lines, allowing them to move their forces around to exploit weaknesses in the French line.
4: Weaponry. Have you ever driven a French car? Their tanks aren't any better. I'll take the smuggled knives.
5: Diet. There is only one food that matters here and that's beer. When the beer in that stadium runs out (I'm assuming the French Army will cut the lines) those soccer hooligans are going to go wild! I wouldn't want to be the French soldier standing in the way of that DT-ridden mob.
6: Culture. The British (and the Americans, by the way) hate all the fancy, mindless, sissy-boy French culture. Once those British soccer hooligans break out of that stadium they can go on a rampage of knocking over expensive statues and burning fine art. The stuff a hooligan lives for! That will drive them onward.
7: Nukes. The British have them too and Tony Blair strikes me as the sort of guy who can understand a man who wants to sit down with a pint of bitters and watch a spot of football. Okay, if we still had a prim and proper Tory government then maybe this wouldn't happen, but that's a down and dirty Labour government. If the French pop a nuke in their own stadium the British will spread so many nukes over the French conuntryside that you won't need a microwave to melt all that cheese.
- Alan Ross
The French Army has as much chance of defeating the Hooligans as America winning the World Cup.
I mean, come on! We're talking about a sport where fans kill Columbia's biggest soccer star due to a bad showing at a crucial game...
The Hooligans have no strategy of attack; they just go for anyone and anything. The French Army is used to organized battle, and won't be able to handle Hooligan-style tactics (or the lack of them).
Look for the Hooligans to bend the Eiffel Tower, crumble the Arc de Triomphe, ring the bells of Notre Dame, storm the Bastille, take some time out to visit Parc Astérix, burn the Bibliothèque Nationale de France, {Insert catchy destruction phrase here}, destroy the Louvre, and consume massive amounts of French wine, all while the Gendarmerie flail their arms and yell "Arrêtez!"
- Vlad, Hamster of Interactivity!
Like is stated in the movie, _Last of the Mohicans_, "The French, with their latent laziness and gallic voluptuousness, have not the desire of war, they sooner eat and make love with their faces than fight."
- Rameen, Destroyer of Worlds
- Hal9000
As mentiooned on Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly, these hooligans also throw "daaats" at the other team heads.
I'm sure for the world cup they'll have the most deadly "daaats", Lawn "Daaats". Those things can kill people, or put an eye out.
Score:
Hooligans: Triple Twenty
French Army: A six
Things aren'y looking good for the home team.
- Captain Noonan
- Hatter
In any case, the majority of England football fans actually at the game will be the mobile phone toting advertising execs. With approximately 47,000,000 fans trying to get hold of the 32 tickets the French have kindly allocated us, these are the only people who have enough time and money to waste waiting for an operator on the credit card ticket hotline, so the battle at the stadium will involve 32 advertising executives and their clients against the entire French army. This will be no contest, since the advertising executives will have been to the same expensive private schools as all the top lawyers, who they will have on speed dial on their mobile phones. The aforementioned lawyers would love this kind of high profile assault case and would jump at the chance to drag it out as long as possible, even though it would mean having to eat lots of expense account dinners in France and missing out on such famous English delicacies as steak and kidney pudding, toad-in-the-hole, spotted dick and cock-a-leekie soup. Since the French army doesn't want to be landed with another Rainbow Warrior style court case, they will surrender instantly.
But what of the 46,999,968 other fans? Many will travel to Paris in the hope of buying bootleg tickets or beating up the advertising executives and stealing theirs instead. Since airlines and ferries have strict no-alcohol rules, many will find themselves wandering the boulevards of Paris ticketless and sober. Off-licences will close in panic, unduly alarmed by their violent reputation. With their only source of alcohol the watery beer and cheap red wine sold in 24-hour Parisian grocery stores (believe me, I know what I'm talking about here), they will begin to look elsewhere. At this point, the gin distillers, tired of having to rely on Dennis Thatcher for their entire annual turnover and (after reading the introduction to this grudge match) being erroneously under the impression that gin is the new tipple of the British football fan, will immediately ship their surplus stock to Paris to be sold to fans at a knockdown price. Many fans will start drinking gin in the only way they know how - from pint glasses. Thus there will be no battle, since the gin-drinking England fans will all need to be carried away by the French army on stretchers or in body bags.
Thus the result will be a no score draw with not a punch being thrown on either side.
- Wombat
1. Strategy
English Hooligans: Kill anything that moves
French Army: Surround the stadium and shoot anyone not wearing a
uniform.
Advantage: French Army. The Hooligans are more likely to take out
their own than a Frenchy.
2. type of people who make up each side
English Hooligans: English Welfare Recipients who only know how to do
factory work
French Army: Young French people, most of whom are among their best
and brightest.
Advantage: French Army. Even in chaos, the smart ones survive.
3. Beverage of choice
English Hooligans: warm ale and a lot of it
French Army: red wine in moderation
Advantage: French Army. Better taste in alcohol and less likely to get
drunk
4. Most likely to "score" with women. (Hey, sex and violence *are*
related)
English Hooligans: No job and no life. You figure it out.
French Army: Come on, We're talking about French guys here.
Advantage: French Army. They call French the "language of love" for a
reason you know.
5. Conditioning
English Hooligans: Sit on your a**, watch football on the telly, and
drink warm ale.
French Army: Drop and give me 50.
Advantage: French Army
So there you have it, it's so simple when you break it down scientifcally.
And the winner in a landslide: The French Army. Perhaps those English blokes should get a job and a life. It's only a game, people
- Richard Baker
- Not drunk enough to be a hooligan
- Deacon
Although they rid themselves of the hooligans, the jewel of france, Wanker-on-Seine, will never be the same.
- jeff
- kelly
- Tristan "Tom Clancy Fan" Pratt
If they were fighting haggis-fueled _Scottish_ hooligans, though, there'd be trouble...
- Josh
Sorry, if I'm the compassionate one.
- - Some Dork
Let's face it, the French can't beat the British in ANYTHING!
- Adam B.
- Milen
- Brownster
- Greenpeacenik
I'm no great philosopher. I don't have too many questions, less answers, and even fewer correct answers.
I do, though, believe that hooligans are unjust people and should not be glamorized in this fashion. I fear it gives people--young and old alike--the false impression that vigilantism and other forms of uncontrolled violence are acceptable behavior. I believe they are not acceptable. They are, in fact, deadly.
However, if I am wrong (which I often am), may I ask one favor: can someone please give the hooligans the directions to Lambeau Field on some brisk October Sunday afternoon. Thanks in advance.
- -Mark Wentz
- Oli
- Beefeater
1346: Crecy, France: English hooligans under Edward III invade France and engage in a campaign of pillage. They meet the French army near Crecy, and are outnumbered 3 to one. Outcome: French defeat, suffering 15-30% casualties, while the English suffer only 1%.
1356: Poitiers, France: English hooligans under Edward, Prince of Wales (a.k.a. The Black Prince) invade France and engage in another campaign of pillage. They are met by the French army, outnumbering them. Nonetheless, the hooligans score a crushing victory, capturing the French King.
1415: Agincourt, France: English hooligans under Henry V once again invade France for pillage. Meeting the French army at Agincourt, outnumbered about 4 to one, the hooligans nonetheless slaughtered the French, inflicting 25 casualties for every one they suffered.
The hooligans did not fare so well when they did not outnumber the French; however, as, in this case they are outnumbered, we can expect yet another slaughter.
- wombat@prickly-wombat.com
2. There are English women soccer hooligans.
3. Bye Bye French Army
- Steven W. Pratt
1.The French had the British outnumbered 5-1 at Agincourt and still got their asses handed to them (+1 Britain)
2.Much of the Iraqi Army used French military equipment and we see how well it did for them (+1 Britain)
3.Britain's legacy to the world is the three greatest innovations of modern times democracy, capitalism, and the Spice Girls (+3 Britain)
4.France's legacy to the world is the Metric System (+1 Britain)
5.Having recently seen Les Miserables, I am reminded that the French do have considerable experience at fighting riotous mobs (+1 France)
6.While the French would never use nukes (or any other weapon that might damage their precious architecture) their nuclear testing does show total indifference to world opinion, as such they are probably willing to deploy poison gas on the hooligans (+1 France)
7.The economic recovery of the Thatcher years means that most of the hooligans probably do have jobs that they will have to get back to eventually (+1 France)
8.Italy is the only nation to come out of World War 2 with a worst military reputation than France, they couldn't even conquer Greece without help from the Germans (+1 to Shane for historical accuracy)
Well, the points seem to come out in favor of the hooligans. They'll probably tear through the French Army and ravage Paris until their booze supply runs out (which given that this is a country where children drink wine for breakfast is probably going to take a while) I predict a second Hundred Years War, where the British win every fight but eventually just get worn down by sheer numbers (although since all the fighting will occur on French soil, you would probably still have to score it as a win for Britain)
- Brendan W. Guy
fin
- Amish Commando
The French reponse to this mongoloid display of cretinous slapstick? End of fight. Instantly recognizing the hooligans' formidable homage to the supreme comic genius of Sir Jerry Lewis, the Minister of Culture will award 400,000 Medals of Honor. Some of which will be eaten by their recipients. Here we go, here we go, here we go, nice laaaaaady.
As national heroes, the hooligans get to invade the wineries of Bologne next, and the French army gets to retreat with honor for old time's sake. The happiest result in WWWFights history!
- The King of Tonga (Our national soccer team is merely biding its time until the 2002 Cup, I assure you)
1) Despite having a 20-1 advantage at the Battle of Agincourt (read your Henry V again), they lose to the English.
2) They build the Maginot Line between French/German border. Oh, no, Hitler would NEVER go through Belgium, he would NEVER do that. Around the same time, ChapStick(TM) sales in France go through the roof as French prepare to kiss some serious German ass.
3) Elevate Jerry Lewis to godhood. Sinatra, yes, maybe even Dean Martin, but Jerry Lewis? What the hell is in the cheese and wine?
And let's not forget the biggest blunder of the 20th century:
They lost a war with freakin' Greenpeace! My god, these people can't even defeat a group of pacifistic veggie-eating whale huggers! If the French can't successfully blow up a fishing boat, how are they going to deal with 80,000 seriously pissed off Englishmen? An armed force consisting of two guinea pigs, eight gerbils and two tons of Raisin Bran (TM) would send the collective French army screaming in terror while the rodents scurried under the Arc de Triumph (built by the French, made for the Germans) in victory.
The only thing the French have going for them is their body odor, since bathing is apparently anathema to the French. Compared to the odors emitted by drunken, flatulent and vomiting English soccer hooligans, even this small advantage is denied.
In the end, as England advances into the World Cup thanks to the dismembering of the rest of Pool B, the French cower in their cinemas, watching The Nutty Professor over and over again to keep their spirits up, blowing the hell out of harmless South Pacific atolls (because you can never have too much information on what nukes do to Pacific atolls), which in turn raises the ire of Godzilla--but that's another Grudge Match.
Hooligans 293,000, French Army nil
- Big Daddy Dave
Then look at modern French strategy. Remember, they lost their own Vietnam 20 years before we did. How? With the following defensive strategy: Concentrate All Our Forces In A Bowl-Shaped Valley(tm). Result? No more French Indochina(tm). Even in the Gulf War(tm), when the French fought on the side of inevitable victors The United States Military(tm), the Frogs lost more fighters than any other air force while flying relatively fewer missions. Even when they come along for other countries' certain victories, they really lose.
So there can be no doubt that the French Army loses to the English Soccer Hooligans. The French Army would lose to a single Star Trek Redshirted Ensign who'd lost his phaser. The real question is, given the inevitable presence of several Americans in the crowd, on whose side would they fight?
To really kick European ass, or save said ass, it takes American intervention. Think 1918. Think 1945. Think 1947-1989. Between the French and English, the English win hands-down. But if the gendarmes can recruit the Americans present, Paris could once again be saved.
- R. Scott
Well, none but the thing about the Cubs, anyway...
- Hughes
It shows without question that the English are cooler than the French, the English are smarter than the French, and the English have better accents than anyone in the French army. However, it also shows that the French fire livestock with lethal aim. The French army wins in the time it takes to shoot a cow.
- me
The French champion is, unfortunately, Jacques Clouseau. Bond prepares to unleash the wide variety of humorously lethal gadgets Q has given him on the French army (at least what's left of them after the mauling the Hooligans have been dealing), turning France into an English vassal state and starting the British Empire back on the road to the SuperPower Club (tm). Jacques, having been given orders to stop the disturbance at any cost, encounters his usual series of comedic near misses and mistaken identities, and somehow ends up with one of France's top secret neutron bombs, or as he puts it, "bums". His trusty manservant Kato detonates the "bum" with a flying front kick, killing the French army and the vast majority of the Parisenne population. Bond survives with the help of Q's standard issue titanium jock-strap/radiation shield/prophylactic; Jacque is sheilded from the blast by his trademark "Cloud of Cluelessness", and Guinness Extra Stout is found to have heretofor unknown powers at blocking gamma radiation, so the English Soccer Hooligans only recieve a slight sunburn and a hangover (or, more of a hangover). Jacque is widely acclaimed for finally ridding the globe of the French annoyance, then taken out back and shot to make it a clean sweep. Winner and new colonial superpower: England.
- Ken
- That bad-ass mo-fo from way-down, yo
- Trevin
- Lurch
- Shem
Let me remind you that this is the World Cup (tm), and, as such, the rest of the World needs to be taken into account. True, the Brits and the French are undoubtedly the main players, but the fans from 30 other nations will be roaming around the stadium and the streets of Paris. Their impact will determine the outcome. In fact, every set of fans will have some effect on the battle, although most will be minimal. The only fans that would be completely neutral would be the Swiss, and what neutrality got them was a team so sucky that it wasn't even invited to the party. Many other non-descript, borderline-neutral countries, such as Denmark, Norway, Nigeria, and Mexico, will have fans there who will undoubtedly interact, but their effects will be negligible and approaching zero. South Koreans, for example, know how to riot, but rock tossing won't do much to this crowd.
Most of the fans that will affect the fight will still not affect the outcome, simply because they are unbiased. But these fans still need to be acknowledged.
CAMEROON - Cameroon means pigmies -- lots of 'em. Despite its recent ban in France, much dwarf-tossing will ensue. This won't favor either side, but it will make things quite amusing, much like a scene from Under The Rainbow or The Muppets Take Manhattan.
IRAN - This is a world stage, and Iran may use the opportunity to blow up both sides of the fight, along with everyone else. But since such an act would end the fight, and for this discussion the fight must go to completion, we must throw out this possibility. My money is on Iran not doing anything. If they were smart enough to release the American hostages before Reagan took office, they are smart enough to not blow up the biggest sporting event in the world, which would put the focus of Gulf War II (tm) on them.
UNITED STATES - In recent years, the US has become a factor in world soccer. This, combined with the fact that Americans have a history of kicking ass and taking names on that continent, forces us to acknowledge the Yanks. But, since England and France are both allies, it is impossible to predict which side the American fans will take, if any. Regardless, the actions of both of these people need to be acknowledged.
YUGOSLAVIA + CROATIA - Much like the pygmies, nothing but background noise here, although this noise would probably involve land mines and mortar shellings.
THE SOUTH AMERICAN NATIONS - Forget hooligans, South America has organized soccer gangs that roam stadiums with deadly weapons. These fans would easily dismember both sides in a heartbeat if a fight broke out. Fortunately, all of them are on probation and not allowed to travel oversees. Although the enforcer squads of the Colombian drug cartels could come into play if either side scores an "own goal", but we don't have that information.
JAPAN - While not actually getting involved in the fracas, the multitude of camera flashes will remind both sides of their favorite eurotrash discotheque. They might even decide to break up the fight and go dancing. More likely, they will Sean-Penn the poor unsuspecting little tourists until the distraction has been neutralized.
ITALY - The Cosa Nostra knows better than to get involved in something that doesn't involve money or revenge. And I don't think either side has any favors to call in. But you never know...
JAMAICA - With Jamaicans comes a thin layer of ganja haze across the entire country. One might expect that to mellow out the crowd, but these soccer nuts are just too worked up to let something like marijuana slow them down. And the French have a job to do, drugged or not. The presence of this haze could affect things once the fight is over, however. If the French win, they could then go find plenty of escargot and brit and whatnot to satisfy themselves peacefully. If the hooligans win, however, they'll go looking for 80,000 servings of "decent fish'n'chips". Or a Krystals. They'll find neither, and will tear a Sherman-esque swath all the way to the Chunnel (tm).
Now let's move onto the REAL players:
SCOTLAND - The Scots are pretty good at hooliganizing themselves, and will undoubtedly jump right into this fight. Groundskeeper Willie and his friends have given us an example of how eager and able Scots are. "Aye! You call this a soccer riot?!" But, unlike the fans listed above, these guys will take sides. The Scots HATE the British. They're still chapped off about Longshank's "The trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots" crack. And that was 700 years ago! The Brits will be fighting a two front war.
GERMANY - The French Army has always had trouble with Germans, especially unified Germans. The French will also be fighting a two front war.
SOUTH AFRICA - To the untrained eye, not really a factor due to their small following. But realize that South Africa is a rugby nation. A handful of rugby players could easily neutralize several hundred soccer hooligans or poorly trained soldiers. While their numbers will be small, those few will take sides with their commonwealth, and could weaken the French considerably.
So it would appear that the Brits have the advantage thus far. One other set of fans are present, however, which will give the battle to the French Army:
SAUDI ARABIA - Saudi Arabia? you may ask. Yes. If I have one memory of the 94 World Cup (tm), it is of trying to watch games involving Saudi Arabia. I couldn't. Why? Because for the entire 90 minutes their fans in the stadium were constantly playing this high-pitched, shrilly, snake charming type music at Kingdome level decibels. Now, I know it's easy for me to sit here and make fun of cultures different than my own, that's why it's one of my hobbies. But COME ON! That music sent me into fits. I put the TV on mute and I could still feel my spine vibrate!
So how will this effect the outcome? Have you ever listened to French music? It's just as shrilly and grating. True, it's more of a vocal shrilly, unlike the reed-induced shrilliness of the Saudis, but the French will still be immune to the sounds once the Saudis' strike up the band. The Brits, however, more accustomed to their Sex Pistols punk and their mindless Spice Girls pop, will grimace with pain and collapse. Some may even have their heads explode in Scanners(tm)-level gore. Similar effects would be seen by playing Slim Whitman. In fact, the Saudis could very well neutralize all parties present, except for the French. Oh, and the Irish, if any of them happen to show up. The Irish wouldn't recognize music if it made their ears bleed, which could very well be the case.
So, in short, the French Army will win, but it ain't gonna be pretty.
Just be glad that India and Pakistan didn't make it to the tournament.
- Brian (tm)
And there's no tactical advantage because the French have the stadium surrounded. You know how hard it is to kill a roach, even when he's dead-eye level in front of you on the wall, you've got a big black roach-killing boot in your hand, and he's lost in thought about serious matters concerning all roachkind. You take a big I-am-Tiger- Woods-backswing (TM) with the boot, smack him dead center and somehow, amazingly, he squirts to the side, drops to the floor and zips behind the refrigerator to dine on a two-week-old tuna bit that fell from a sandwich you were eating as you tried to explain to your boss why you're taking your 5th sick day in two weeks.
And just like that roach, the ESH's will sidestep any weak French attack, squirt to the side, scurry around the stadium, climb up into the Frenchies intestines, lay eggs and watch as their young parasitically destroy the entire army in 15 minutes.
Grudge match over.
Final Score:
ESH (English Soccer Hooligans) 333,000
WFF (Worm Food Frenchies) 0
- Dale Dye
This advantage may shift, depending on how heavy of a dose of snails the French have had before the battle.
- The Only American Soccer Hooligan known to man
"Why?" you ask me. Simply put: they've got the big MO on their side. Shane, I must give credit where it is due, you are right to point out the organized and disciplined strength of the French regulars, but the fact of the matter is that they haven't had a big win since the fall of absolutism. Since then, despite additions to the team and new equipment, they have remained a largely stagnant bunch. The hooligans however are coming into this matchup riding a high from a path of destruction all across Europe. Momentum is their friend and they know well how to use it. Im going to have to say that if both sides were psyched for this the French would walk with it easy, but as it stands MO is fighting against them, and when that happens, all the home field advantage in the world doesn't do a thing for you. In the Final Analysis it becomes a real toss-up, and could go either way, but I give the Hooligans an edge for being at the top of their game. Hooligans by a horse's hair.
- HyzProphet
Yes the English have been known to win wars but that was the armed forces of the United Kingdom (oxymoron that it is). This means they had the help of the Scotts and the Ghurka's.
Yes the French are a bunch of man kissing wusses that have not won a war by themselves since Napolian, who was Corsican anyway!
Now consider the French armed forces greatest weapon- the FOREIGN Legion. thats right foreign not French there are no french troops in it to surrender (officers don't count) The real match will be: The welfare scum of England armed with bottles, clubs and knives. vs The toughest, well trained scum from the entire world armed with automatic weapons and explosives. Now there's a no brainer. It will ge over as soon as the legion (not known for its sense of humor) gets done laughing at the hooligan's hair styles.
- Claymore
* Boy George
* George Michael
* David Bowie
* The Spice Girls
* The Beatles
* The Rolling Stones
Sacre bleu, indeed. God save us all from these blithering twits. If they don't scare the French to death, at the very least they'll die laughing -- just picture it: Le haha...le haha...le gaaak!
In fact, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. So I'm leaving...just you try and stop me.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
If the French were smart, they would hire some real competition for the English - South Korean student demonstrators.
- Frank
- Nate
Believe it or not, this French habit of retreat is the key to their victory. The Hooligans won't be able to find the opposition. Amazingly, every French male within the Paris metropolitan area is going to be long gone. Mark it up to genetics.
This leaves the defense of Paris to thousands of abandoned, defenseless, lonely French women. In a brilliant piece of strategy, they all dress up in French Maid(tm) outfits and offer their "services" to the English Hooligans. However, this would be orgy-fest quickly falls apart when our would be studs discover the main drawback of intoxication - impotence. After hours of frustration, they pass out exhausted. The whole lot of them are then put to the bayonet while they sleep with the French Army taking only 50% casulties. Not the most glorious victory in history but the French will take what they can get.
Moral of the Story: Don't mess with French women. They are the only reason France still survives.
- Paul G.
Obviously not, since neither of you had the courage (or inspiration) to point out the hooligans' fatal weakness. Forget the bad British teeth, The Full Monty has taught us that when you put a bunch of drunken, unemployed British soccer fans together, THEY TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES, FERCRISSAKE! What kind of a threat could drunken nudists pose to even the most clueless army in the world? Just whip out the nightsticks and start swinging at the pasty white dangling British crown jewels...
Shane, you should be flogged repeatedly with stale Slim Jims™ for missing your opportunity to taste victory by simply following the clues John carelessly left lying around, like the toys strewn about his playpen.
Besides, I live in Montreal. What do Montrealers do to celebrate a Stanley Cup victory? We trash the city! We've done it twice and could easily teach the old British dogs several new tricks.
- HotBranch!
The French on the other hand are touted as the world's most sexually expressive people on Earth. They do almost nothing but f*ck, drink, and eat. They indulge their urges to such a degree that they actually find armpit and crotch stink incredibly enticing. That's why they don't wash. Any group of people who get laid that much and that well must be complacent. Try to stand up let alone fight a rioting crowd after you've had an orgasm. Half the French Army is probably in a post coitus stupor at any given moment.
When the "fit hits the shan", there's bound to be a mighty uncomfortable gendarmes somewhere on the Champs Elysee with a size 12 Doc Martin up his arse.
- J-Bone
You gotta be kidding.
This is as lopsided as Penn and Teller on a see-saw.
- Kilgore Trout
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Springfield v. South Park (Hockey)
Wrestlers v. Boxers
Grudge Match™, Da Sports Edition™
Home |
History |
Suggestions |
FAQ |
Stats |
Links
Awards |
Commentators |
Real Life |
Fun Stuff |
Studio Store
© 1998, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC