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[Theme music builds to a climax. Spotlights pierce the darkness of the TV studio. At its center stands Anne Robinson, forbiddingly clad in black.] "Welcome... to The Weakest Link!" "Any one of the eight people in the studio tonight could win up to one million dollars. They don't know each other. However, if they want to win the money, they'll have to work as a team. But—seven of them will leave with nothing, as round by round we eliminate the player voted... The Weakest Link!" "Let's meet the team." [crash of dramatic music; sweep of spotlights] "Lisa; 8; Springfield, [recording glitch wipes out state name]; saxophone player and crusader for social justice." "Ben; 56; Los Angeles, California; game-show host." "Jason; 10; Hillsdale, Illinois; hacker and sci-fi entrepreneur." "Dennis; 47; Santa Barbara, California; football commentator and professional wise-***."
"Malcolm; 12—" [to camera] "and why does this show make us announce ourselves? Is it some
weird hazing ritual to begin our humiliation? It's bad enough the Wicked Wi—" "Rupert; 47; Sunnydale, California; occult librarian and assistant vampire-slayer." "Dexter; 9; Huber, California; scientist and child genius."
"Diane; 33; Boston, Massachusetts; bar waitress -- but that's only temporary
until I begin my literary career; I'm really studying the working classes,
reaching insights on—" We won't listen as Robinson reads the rules because A) it's boring, and B) we at Grudge Match™ don't believe in rules. Suffice it to say it's a trivia game show, with the contestants voting one of their own off after each round until the last two go brain-to-brain for the grand prize. At least, that's how it usually goes. So, which of these eight know-it-alls really does know it all? Let's play... The Weakest Link.
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MARK: Lisa Simpson is smart. She knows history, geography, culture, and politics. Her report cards and her explanations of society for Homer demonstrate that. What puts Lisa over the top is that she not only KNOWS stuff, but she's also one of the few people in the world who can utilize classroom knowledge in every day life. That's a pretty snazzy combination. She's solved many of Springfield's mysteries with a special knack concerning Sideshow Bob's evil plots. She's even combined miniature golf, philosophy, and geometry. That's genius there. Genius! All that is left are the entertainment questions. That's simple enough. Entertainers are always visiting Springfield. From that bald freak from Smashing Pumpkins to that bald freak impersonating Michael Jackson, from Aerosmith to Ozzie Smith, they've been there. Lisa must have gathered some information about them. Lisa's combination of intelligence and life experience gets her the money AND Anne Robinson's respect. JOHN: Ben Stein wins for two reasons: first, desperation. Ben is the only one among these people who could be considered a professional game show contestant. If the others don't win, they go home to their families and jobs - big whoop! If Ben loses on a game show, however, he starves! Ben's not only got the Eye of the Tiger (tm), he's got the Thumb, Earlobe and Left Testicle of the Tiger (tm, tm, and tm), too. Second reason Ben wins - Nixon Administration connections. He can't be voted off! If by some chance this were to happen, there would be a break-in at Weakest Link Headquarters, new results would be planted, and G. Gordon Liddy would have eaten all the other contestants, just to be safe. SHANE: Jason Fox is tailor-made to win this game. This kid is so smart, an A+ in school brings down his average. He also has an obsessive interest in popular culture to give him a leg up on the less intellectual questions (and this being an American game show, there will be plenty). He will also be invulnerable to whatever mockery Anne Robinson throws his way. He's a boy-supergenius who hasn’t been physically mauled or emotionally crippled by resentful classmates. That bespeaks awesome character beneath his geeky exterior. His secret weapon, though, will be his pet iguana Quincy. Trained to torture Jason's sister Paige, Quincy is almost sure to be found crawling up Anne’s leg sometime in the first round. What teammate of his will have the heart to vote him off after he humiliates their tormentor so? Jason will waltz -- or foxtrot™ -- away with the cash. JOE: I think Dennis Miller will win this one for two reasons. The first is Sex Appeal™. Dennis doesn't exactly float my boat personally, but then again, I'm not gay. We'll have to look to all our female readers for a better view on that subject. (Rainwoman? Little help?) Having said that, Dennis is the only contestant with at least a little Sex Appeal™. While not normally an influence in competitions of wisdom, this will intimidate the other contestants and cause them to perform poorly under the pressure. The second reason is that Dennis and host Anne Robinson are both known for being witty, intelligent and overly sarcastic. Anne needs a successful, exciting guy like Dennis who won't cry home to mommy every time she runs her mouth off. I think Dennis Miller is Anne Robinson's soul mate and she'll do everything in her power to help him win. HOTBRANCH!: Because Malcolm isn't a snotty know-it-all (unlike most of the other contestants), he'll combine low-key popularity with non-threatening youth to fly under the radar into the final two. In the final showdown, Malcolm's knowledge of in-flight pudding velocity will grudgingly earn him respect from the über-bitch/hostess.
Furthermore, if intelligence wasn't enough to win the day, Malcolm has his family to assist. It's a pretty safe bet that this will be the show's only million-dollar payoff. Therefore, the Wilkerson's greed will temporarily supercede their pride and support of Malcolm. His family's tsunami of dysfunctionality is old hat for Malcolm--he won't be fazed. However, everyone else will be running for their lives or their sanity, or both. Certainly, the other contestants want to avoid the wrath of Reese and Dewey, so they'll let Malcolm win the cash. Though I wonder what will become of Anne after her encounter with Dewey... BRENDAN: Being the only contestant who did not receive the unique benefits of an education in the American public school system, Rupert Giles should already have a lock on this one. But this being the Grudge Match, we know it's not going to come down to who's the best educated, it's gonna come down to who can fight the dirtiest. And that also has to be Giles. He's got his years as a British juvie (a particularly virulent strain of the species Albion soccer hulliganus). He's got years of experience surviving on a hellmouth (where he's built up an impressive resistance to head trauma and a willingness to kill the defenseless). And most importantly, he has specialized training in demonology which is bound to be of use in dealing with Robinson, who is the greatest threat and obviously some sort of hell-fiend. PAUL: Dexter built a gigantic super-sophisticated laboratory without money or his parents finding out. He defeated a Godzilla-like Tokyo-trashing monster with his robot. Dexter regularly humiliates Bill Gates' evil (relatively) clone Mandark. It's no contest. Dexter can build the ultimate quiz show simulator to prepare. He could use his time machine and get all the answers from the future. Even if he were voted off, he could design a transmogrifier and switch bodies with a survivor. Who needs to BEAT Ben Stein when you can BE Ben Stein if necessary? Dexter also holds the vital Anne Robinson factor. Compared to sister Dee-Dee's destructiveness, Anne's quips are painless and cootieless. Furthermore, consider the similar insulting manners, the funny accents, the fact that Dexter's parents are nothing like him, Anne's resemblance to Darth Vader - Anne is Dexter's mother! With the Strongest Link genes and Mom in his corner, scientific genius will prevail. DAVE: The previous match taught us that lust has an undeniable power over members of the Geek Community-at-large. That being said, the outcome is obvious. Diane Chambers may not be a supermodel, but she's not too hard on the eyes. And she's downright sexy compared to the host. The likes of Jason, Dexter, and Malcolm, overcome by their young hormones, will find themselves incapable of voting off the fair Ms. Chambers. Lisa will be unwilling to vote off another feminist. Clearly, the odds are in Diane's favor. Diane will be able to answer questions that are well outside the expertise of the other seven contestants. None of those science geeks know a thing about literature or the fine arts. What's more, years of exposure to Cliff Clavin will have made Diane into a trivia goddess. At the end of the day, everybody knows Diane's name.
Related Links For Further Research BILL AMEND'S WEB PAGE -- The creator of the Foxtrot comic strip found out about our using one of his characters in this match, and for some reason he didn't send us a cease-and-desist order. He was actually flattered, sent us a nice email, and linked us from his homepage while this match was running.
* Due to the modified voting system (seven rounds of whoever gets the most votes leaves), Round-by-round voting results
Lisa Ben Jason Dennis Malcolm Rupert Dexter Diane TOTAL
Rd 1: 72 93 93 167 151 129 89 374 1168
Rd 2: 121 133 96 385 227 350 118 -- 1430
Rd 3: 121 137 112 -- 389 339 116 -- 1214
Rd 4: 183 458 168 -- -- 496 181 -- 1486
Rd 5: 307 440 272 -- -- -- 315 -- 1334
Rd 6: 412 -- 382 -- -- -- 534 -- 1328
Rd 7: 669 -- 390 -- -- -- -- -- 1059
TOTAL: 1885 1261 1513 552 767 1314 1353 374 *9019*
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Related & Similar Matches
If we summarize each of the shows and/or strips represented here, I think we'll detect a common theme. Taking them one by one: The Simpsons features Lisa, an annoying but earnest young intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with a big, dumb guy who happens to be her father. Cheers features Diane, an annoying but earnest young intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with a big, dumb guy who, thankfully, happens not to be her father. "Fox Trot" features Jason, a highly annoying, not particularly earnest young intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with his big, dumb sister. Malcolm In the Middle stars an earnestly annoying young intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with his whole family, consisting mostly of big, dumb people. Dexter's Laboratory stars an annoyingly earnest young intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with his sister, who, while not big, is so dumb she causes more destruction than most big people. Dennis Miller Live stars an incredibly annoying, earnest, no longer young pseudo-intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with his guests, most of whom are extremely dumb and nearly all of whom, big and small, could kick his smarmy ass. Buffy the Vampire Slayer features Giles, an annoyingly earnest middle-aged intellectual who has a love-hate relationship with a girl who, while small, could nonetheless kick his ass from here to Kokomo, and who is so dumb that she needs to go running to her smart friends every second asking them to look up actual facts in actual books, this being way beyond her own capabilities. Win Ben Stein's Money stars an annoying, mock-earnest middle-aged intellectual who used to have a love-hate relationship with his big (or at least chunky), dumb sidekick. The show started to go in the tank when Ben replaced the big, dumb sidekick with a somewhat smart but clearly malnourished girl who appears to be the only person in the vicinity who could not kick Ben Stein's ass. The public doesn't want to see Ben Stein matched with someone who couldn't take him in a fight. In fact -- and this is the common theme I was talking about -- the public doesn't want to see any smart character without someone else on screen who could take that smarty-pants in a fight. For the theme of television, and popular culture in general, is: INTELLIGENCE SUCKS. Over and over again, pop culture assures us: Being intelligent, college-educated and well-read won't make you as happy, well-adjusted or successful as being big and dumb. This is, of course, a clever marketing decision on the part of TV producers, who know that the big, dumb demographic is the one they have to reach, and that they can do it by teeing off on the earnest, annoying intellectuals, who aren't watching Dexter's Laboratory anyway. Thus none of these braniacs can possibly win, because they come from a world where they must -- for the good of ratings and newspaper sales -- get humiliated by morons with whom the audience can identify. Expect Sam, Paige, Homer, Buffy, And the Rest (tm) to appear and disrupt the game show with their patented blend of low IQ and high capacity for mindless mayhem. And Anne? Anne gets hugged to death by an overweight Price Is Right contestant. It's cruel, but she should have expected something like that when she came to America. - Captain Corcoran (tobiagorrio@yahoo.com) - Reminding you all of the vital importance of being earnest
JASON FOX: The Weakest Link is all about how the other contestants perceive your performance (Witness that the person voted off is often NOT the person who statistically answered the least questions correctly). In other words, it's about Charisma (tm). Only one of these people lacks the force of personality (aka, Charisma (tm)) to appear on the small screen...the same venue that hosts When Animals Attack parts I - LVIII, Hee Haw Reruns and all the public access freaks (Even "Baby Blues" managed to jump to TV, which makes "Foxtrot" look pretty pathetic by comparison). It doesn't matter how well Jason does, he's just not gonna register on the other contestants' radar. He could answer every question (including his opponents'), but as a mere "Funnies" character who lacks TV-granted gift of charisma(tm), his actions will go unnoticed, and his competitors will believe that he did nothing during the round. He's Out. RUPERT GILES: I doubt there's going to be a vampire/zombie/demon/monster/witchcraft/magic question in every round. Even if there is, it could go to one of the other contestants, leaving him stuck with a pop-culture question about Boy Bands or Reality Shows or something else that he's equally ill- equipped to handle. And even if he does get a question regarding the paranormal/supernatural/occult, he'll still be unable to answer it. He doesn't seem too familiar with his material...the few times I've seen him in action, he had to look up the necessary information in some almanac or manual. I think he used to be the obnoxious, bespectacled kid in the old Encyclopedia Britannica commercials (or, given the subject matter, would that be Encyclopedia Satanica?). Without his reference library at hand, Rupert's like Alex Trebek sans blue answer cards...still snooty, condescending, and foreign, but lacking any thing to back it up. He's Out. DIANE CHAMBERS: She always seemed to pursue knowledge for it's own sake. Or maybe it was so she could feel superior to the bar staff and patrons. She'll probably be too focused on showing off her intellectual might to pay attention to the monetary aspects of the game (i.e., she won't bank). While that's good for the first few rounds, not banking is a cardinal sin in the later rounds of the game, where the questions become more difficult and the possibility of losing the kitty is greater. She's Out. DENNIS MILLER: Oh man, don't you want to see him give as good as he gets to Anne Robinson in between the rounds? I certainly do. But the contestants seem to dislike a cynical woman in dark clothes throwing barbs their way in the interval between a round of questions. I don't think they're going to take any more kindly to that behavior when it's coming from a cynical man in dark clothes. He's Out. DEXTER: hmmm...Action Hank is a great guy to have in your corner. But Action Hank is no Mr.T (close, no doubt, but no substitute for the real thing...the Pony Puffs wouldn't have lasted 1 second against the real T). Besides, Dexter only really competes with two people...Mandark (who isn't here) and himself. At the science fair after DeeDee wrecked Mandark's lab, Dexter practically phoned in his science project because he didn't believe there would be any challenge. Dexter isn't going to see a mere game show as a worthy test of his intellect (A giant monster, ok. A school picture day, sure. A 1-hour photo drop booth, yeah. A destructive sibling, definitely. But not a game show). When his teammates see that he just isn't giving it his all, they'll give him the boot. He's Out. BEN STEIN: Ben doesn't have to worry about his livelihood if he loses here. He occasionally loses on his own show. It hasn't hurt him there, and it won't shame him here either. Also, Ben's a Republican. And an economist. He's going to be conservative, he's going play it safe...he'll bank everything rather than risk losing it if one of the people after him answers incorrectly. That's going to keep the question values way too low to allow for big winnings. Yes, I know he risks $5,000 on his show, but that's his own money, he can comfortably gamble with it. He can't play fast and loose with money that's not solely his (until the final round). And banking too much is just as bad as not banking enough. He's Out. Ok, we're down to the final two...and it is purely a battle of wits (The Wilkersons behavior won't faze a Simpson, and vice versa). MALCOLM WILKERSON: Ok, we know he can perform quickly under pressure (Remember his act for the academic circus?) without pausing for a monologue. If he wins, even more people see his genius and his Krelborne status is cemented (bad). But if he loses to an eight-year-old girl, Reese will never let him forget it (worse). I think he'll give it his all, but is that enough to beat Lisa? LISA SIMPSON: As Homer once said regarding Santa's Little Helper, "he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's...a Simpson". The Simpsons are, by their own admission, losers. The outcome is a foregone conclusion... Lisa Wins! Like there was ever any doubt. C'mon, it's the Grudge Match...The Simpsons MUST win(tm). - Estrella
Dear Anne Robinson babe, I would like to protest being voted off on your Weakest Link show. I answered every question correctly, cha-cha. For example, when you asked, "what is one hundred plus fifty?", and I responded "Jeez, babe, you're making me feel like Pythagoras staring at a basketball!", clearly, that is the correct answer, An-zerino. Furthermore, your question "what does DKNY stand for?" is easily answered by my statement "C'mon toots, I mean, Salvador Dali doing pilates is less strenuous than these questions!" Also, Shama-lama-Robinski, I CLEARLY banked the money when I said "I feel like Lorenzo DeMedici at a Knicks game!" To conclude, toots, I know your hair makes you feel like Charlemagne ordered you to attend Lollapalooza, but do try to pay attention, babe. But these are just my rants: I could be wrong. Dennis Miller - Dennis (Budo) Miller
Diane, Jason and Dennis are voted off first, because I've never heard of them, and I'm assuming they aren't as popular as the rest. The Wilkersons coming to Malcolm's aid argument doesn't work, because however dysfunctional they are, dysfunctionality can be easily countered by the mighty force of Sarcasm (in the form of Anne Robinson). Dexter will probably leave the show in tears after Robinson's continuous taunts of his accent. Which leaves us with Lisa, Stein and Giles. Ben Stein's show is filled with questions on obscure topics. He'll be unable to cope with the simpler questions on the Weakest Link. Simpsons-mania would generally compel me to vote for Lisa, but unfortunately this time she comes up against the dreaded British Stereotype(tm). BS for short. BS is usually divided into two categories ("Ay, I'm bloomin' cockney, guv'nor!" and "I'm a veritable dictionary with a cornucopia of knowledge!"). Either would be enough to win (the cockney BS would scare all the other contestants away, while type 2 would win for obvious reasons). Giles has the added advantage in that there's two of him on the shows (anyone who thinks Wesley isn't a Giles clone should have their head examined). Giles in seven rounds. - Boba Foot Dennis Miller goes down first. Why? Because he will never get a question right, due to the fact that he'll initially get it right, but will start rambling on in one of his horrible jokes. You are the weakest link, cha cha. Next to fall is Lisa Simpson. Earlier on before the show, Malcolm, Dexter, AND Jason flirted with her (If Jason were to fall for anyone, it would definitely be Lisa), to no avail. This will just sicken them to the point of anger. Not even the "Simpsons-Always-Win" factor can save her now. Oh, Diane. You showed some sort of friendship with Lisa (the Feminist connection). That pisses off our pre-teen-titans soooo much. Thou art gone. Ben Stein, sadly, falls next. Since Jason is a sci-fi geek, Rupert Giles is under his protection for now. Neither Dexter or Malcolm have any reason to defend him, so off he goes, to go and get drunk with Jimmy Kimmel. The pre-teen-titans alliance finally ends here. Jason and Dexter are both drawn, they have a connection. Malcolm... Well, doesn't. And with Giles on Jason's side, it's a 3-1 injustice that Malcolm will ramble on about to the camera until security removes him. When there are three left, you can count on the smartest person to go bye-bye. That would be you, Rupert Giles. Jason makes amends by saying that he deserved it for the switch to UPN. That leaves the final two. Jason Fox and Dexter. Dexter only knows of science, and maybe a little bit about comic book superheroes. Jason is a WALKING ENCYCLOPEDIA of TV, comics, video games, HTML, math, novels, you name it, he's mastered it. Jason wins, and uses the money to make the world's largest comic shop, and shares the profits with his trainers, Calvin and Hobbes. - Gosunkugi First, I'm flattered.... Second, I almost picked the wrong dude. Good thing I stopped and re- read the directions.... Having said that, I vote off Ben Stein. His last promo ad for his game show showed him saying "You can even play my game naked if you're into that." THAT is a frightening picture...having Ben Stein ask you to play naked for him....ew, ew, ew. EEEWWW. With MY vote, Ben Stein IS the Weakest Link -- and a dirty old pervert! G'bye.
Postscript: With Malcolm's brains, his mom's certifiable insanity, and Reese's connections to such Osama bin Laden-esque figures as former Unhappily Ever After co-stars Mr. Floppy and homicidal maniac dad Jack Malloy, Malcolm not only gets the money -- Anne and the others meet a horrific death via bio-chemical-nuclear explosion... ...probably using Malcolm's A+ science project. - The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie I think it's fairly obvious who should be voted off first: the one that resembles a cartoon character, but is, in fact (I touched him to make sure, as this restraining order proves) a human being. Malcolm? MALCOLM!?!? What the hell is he doing in this bunch anyway. The kid may ace 9th grade chemistry, but, la-dee-frickin'-da! The only one I would even suggest could come close would be Lisa Simpson, except that I know for a fact (having viewed, rehearsed, and recited all the Simpsons episodes in existence to date) that she So, yeah.... what was the question? - Saru Kun After many grueling rounds of questioning the final two will be Rupert Giles and Dexter, Giles because he's the most resilient when it comes to the demonic torture of Anne Robinson and Dexter because no- one will vote him off due to the fact that he's too short to be seen over his podium. With a final mighty shout of "let's play the weakest link" Anne shatters both players' glasses, thus blinding them. Anne gets arrested and sent to jail. - The pancake man HAH! The only true victor here is Dexter, boy genius! Seriously, look at the other contestants: Diane, was she played by the chick who STUPIDLY left Cheers in its prime? yeah. Lisa: hey, I love the Simpsons, but have you seen all the stress Lisa is under? Stupid father, mean brother, nagging mother, too little challenge at school, solving crimes, saving town, etc, etc, etc. There's no way she's in top form tonight, and top form she needs to be to beat the Dex. Dennis Miller: C'mon. He even admits that the writers do everything for him. Jason: Heh, COMIC STRIPS GEEKS WILL NEVER OUT DO A REAL CARTOON!! Rupert: ?????? Never heard of him. Screw him, Dexter wins anyway. Ben Stein: Oh, old Mr. Monotone. He does have game show experience, but he lacks the charisma and confidence to stand the evil host of THIS gameshow.(C'mon, nothing gonna crack Dex's huge ego) Who's gonna vote off a cute little redhead midget, anyway. Put the facts together, the Dex is a sure win. - Keith It's simple who will win this match....Jason Fox. Not only is he the smartest person in the group but he has his obsession with science fiction working for him. If he does somehow manage to get a question *gasp* wrong, he will simply discover a way to travel back in time and tell himself the right answer before the show. So in actuality there is no way we will ever witness Jason getting a question wrong. Or will we and we just don't remember or it? Or maybe we will witness him getting the question wrong and then when it happens again and he gets it wrong we will realize he is supposed to get it wrong like Guinan realizes Tasha Yar is supposed to be dead in "Yesterday's Enterprise"? Man this temporal stuff confuses me...... - Odvok Diane won't know real facts from fake ones. She'll probably have a 50/50 chance of getting something right. Unfortunately, she's got a Bad Hairdo(tm), even worse than Lisa's. The rest of them will vote her off to stop looking at it. Exit Diane. Dennis Miller, having his own TV show, will know quite a bit about modern pop culture. However, his show is on HBO(tm). This is his downfall: he won't know 'little' bits of trivia that lower members of society would (Example: What do the British call diapers?). Exit Dennis. Yes, Rupert may be an English Soccer Hooligan(tm), but they don't answer questions, they ask them. Besides, he'll have too thick an accent for even Anne to understand. Exit Rupert. Ben Stein, while funny, is unintentionally so. He probably won't understand why everyone is laughing at him, and will vote himself off as a way to cope with the confusion. Exit Ben. Dexter is a scientist. He knows about "hard" sciences (example: physics), but not "soft" ones (example: anthropology). Also, he holes himself up in his lab. He can't answer any question even remotely relating to the rest of humanity. Exit Dexter. Malcolm, the middle child, has something of a misnomer. Two more children were born, putting him in the upper levels of the Pecking Order(tm). He'll be delivering a monologue about this to the camera and won't notice when he's being asked a question. Exit Malcolm. Lisa Simpson would probably do best, but she isn't ready for the outright cruelty administered by Anne. While Itchy and Scratchy(tm) may have dulled her senses somewhat, those are funny cruel, not plain cruel. She won't be able to handle such a strong female presence, having grown up with Marge as a mother. Exit Lisa. This leaves Jason Fox as our million dollar winner! Yeah, he'll probably buy gumballs with it, but who cares? - Rainwoman Okay, I hate to come across all fanboy, but... Giles is a genius, for f***ing out loud! But that doesn't matter. Never mind his many years of study of the occult, his academic qualifications, his curatorship of the British Museum (one of the biggest and most comprehensive in Britain - a job mentioned once in Season 1 and then apparently forgotten), or the fact that a Demon chose his brain out of an entire city as the 'best'. Giles has other advantages, and I'm not talking about his various superpowered proteges and friends here. The man is a former street criminal and warlock who summoned demons for fun! Seriously, other people did drugs, he did Demonology. That was when he wasn't proving himself a kickass hand-to-hand combatant (able to fence blindfold and beat vampires one-on-one), or learning such useful skills as Carjacking, Burglary, violent crime, and Seducing Peoples Mothers By Beating Up Cops. The man clearly has the broadest education imaginable - he only falls down on computer skills, and since he's friends with a telepathic computer genius witch who can ride along in his skull, that won't be a problem. Besides, Anne Robinson is British and around fifty, dressed in black leather. He spends a LOT of time with people in black leather, and he's British and around fifty. He'll seduce her in minutes (if necessary using his hypnotic or magical abilities), and she'll eliminate everyone else at his request. And yup, he's committed cold- blooded murder, not to deal with a real threat, but TO SAVE TIME LATER. He's got the killer instinct, and won't hesitate to do what needs to be done. He also has fangirls. Finally, The Weakest Link is originally a British show, so Giles gets the Home Team Advantage. Giles in five, and a night of torrid, wrinkly passion. Thank god it's not broadcast live. - Will Even though I believe Malcolm is an idiot, I don't think he'll be first to go. He'll be second. Dennis Miller will be first. He may indeed get his questions right, but his inane jokes after each answer will make EVERYONE vote him off, Malcolm votes him off because he doesn't understand the jokes, and the rest vote him off because his jokes are too plebeian for them. So which of these so called geniuses wouldn't even be able to spell Mensa. Dennis Miller, you are the weakest link. Good bye! - Vinnie M. Considering the gathered intelligence in the room (Diane Chambers aside), I say they finally get together and get rid of the real weakest link: Anne Robinson herself. - The Brainchild - God I hate that woman Puh-lease! Chambers is gonna get creamed, and here's why: Pride. Unlike the majority of the misguided lust-mongers (mmm....boobs) from the last match, I know pride is the toughest sin to beat. I know it 'cause I'm smart! I'm smarter than all of you! I'm so smart I'm...[sound of soul being sucked into the abyss.] Any way, Diane's got pride in spades. For every question she answers, she'll have to explain where she knew that from, elaborate on some of the finer points, tell some delightful little anecdotes and by the time she's made it to a quote from "A la Recherce du Temps Perdu" in the original French, (this stemming from a question on Lowenbrau, by the way) the lights are off, the set closed, Dexter will already have vaporized everyone and taken off with the mil, only to have Deedee steal it and buy 16,382 Ballerina Malibu Stacies with it. Or maybe Ben. He's a Republican AND he worked for Nixon AND Jimmy Kimmel. He's not just greedy and mean, he's PURE EVIL! (Bad news, people, Lisa can't win. She's too nice to vote anyone off.) - Jerk Store The outcome to this match is clear. Rupert obviously will mistake(?) Anne for an evil demoness of some kind and five minutes into the show will chop off her head with an axe he conveniently has placed in his shoulderbag. The rest of the contestants jump for joy at the death of the uber-bitch (as HotBranch! has aptly named her). The audience crashes down on stage and carries Rupert off as the Man of the HourTM. The world finally has a hero who can defeat evil in it's purist form! There are parties in the streets from London to Tokyo! The U.N. declares it International Hurray for Rupert Day and the world rejoices. - HippyBasher Believe it or not, Dexter gets voted off first. Not because of mental prowess or ability, but simply because of the undeniable fact that Dexter is very very short. His height would render him unable to see over the contest table-thing or hear Anne's questions, thus making him get every single question wrong. - Ilsoap I have never heard of the Weakest Link, but if I understand this, we are to vote for the one we think will lose, correct? The, first of all, let me make one thing clear; No matter how smart a kid is, he or she will always be inferior to an adult due to lack of experience (believe me, I've noticed). This fact pretty much eliminates all the adults from this match. We are left with Dexter, Lisa, Jason and Malcolm. Dexter vs Lisa: Dexter has a hard time with his sister and is struggling to keep his lab a secret to the world. Lisa has a hard time with her brother and is struggling to have the world (or at least her family) admit to her intellect. Seeing how used Dexter is to Deedee, he would probably walk right over the more mellow Lisa. And besides, he is way, WAY smarter then her. Malcolm vs Jason: Pretty much the same person, though Jason is way more of a nerd then Malcolm, who just happens to be really smart. Jason is the one comic book character that has inspired me most, except for Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes. Seeing as Malcolm seems to succeed more often then Jason does, and seems to have more in his head anyway, I'd say Jason bites this one. Well, actually it's only because I want to see... Lisa vs Jason: Jason and Bart are both very much the same, so Lisa will know what to expect. But seeing as Jason is an expert at annoying sisters, I guess he is way too skilled for Lisa to handle. Jason triumphs by psyching Lisa into defeat. Which means that Lisa must be the Weakest Link. Ps. If Lisa does turn out to be the Weakest Link (though she's not exactly in the lead right now), does that mean that the Simpsons has lost, or won? - Ghost Frankly, under normal circumstances(i.e. non-American game shows), it would be a shoo-in for a contest of winners between Jason and Dexter, for both of them are supergeeks with no social life, and in ALL bad shows, the-social-geek-with-no-life-who-wants-to-get-one will ALWAYS emerge victorious(don't ask). However, this being a game show, there will be an audience...and a Contestant's family will always be in the audience...so the sheer mental power of these two will be undermined by....
THE BIG SISTER SYNDROME.... However, since this is a vote for the WORST, my vote would have to go for whoever HotBranch! voted for... - I'm already dead Dennis isn't the stupidest on the board, but he'll still be the first one off the show. Wiseasses are simple creatures with simple rules, that is, if one wiseass ever encounters another of his own kind (and we can smell our own) a verbal showdown MUST ensue until one is deemed the superior.
Anne: "Mr. Miller..." Further transcription is impossible, since the metaphors get a little thick in here. -- Ak F'n Med You didn't ask for the winner of this showdown, but I'll give it to you anyway... First, the prepubescent kids will have it over the grownups. Not only are they (at least) equally bright, but being freed from the burdens of puberty and sex means they can devote more brain powers to the trivia at hand. Between Lisa, Jason, and Dexter, Lisa is the weakest. Sorry, Lise, but while she's good with general knowledge, she doesn't have the mastery of arcane factoids that will be needed as the game progresses. Sure, she's smarter than anyone else in her family, but that isn't saying much. Jason and Dexter are both closely matched, and are both driven by The Rage -- Jason risks the scorn of Paige if he loses, and Dexter risks the scorn of his own ego if he blows it. Alas, while Jason is a very bright kid, it's evident that Dexter is even brighter -- the kid builds his own robot to while away the time! The closest Jason gets is rigging up his bedroom for Halloween hijinks, or strapping a camcorder to his model rocket. Peanuts by comparison. Dexter wins after a grueling showdown with Jason Fox, who is sent home to the mocking laughter of Paige (and he will then immediately retaliate by throwing Quincy into the bathtub while she's bathing). Dexter takes his winnings and builds a robot army to conquer the world.
- R.J. I remember way back in Elementary school, I spent most of my time with The Girl Nobody Liked (TM). She was your typical TGNL, she tried curry favor with the teachers and more popular students, while at the same time trying desperately to befriend the rest of the Geeks and Losers in the class. She reeked of desperation and loneliness, and I hung out with her. All the time. In Junior High, I'd found a different constant companion. She was boycrazy and had zero self-esteem to an extreme. She made Leonardo *shudder* DiCaprio fans look like lesbians. No one else in the class, even other typical, boycrazy, low-self-esteemed pre-teen girls could stand to talk to her for more than two minutes because she'd launch into some mindless useless story about one of the New Kids' toothbrushes. No one, that is, except me... By High School I'd found a conversational partner who thought Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh were Left-wing spokesmen. He was an evangelist like you've NEVER seen before. Not to mention he had grace and style of Gomer Pyle. The Class President awarded me the Student Council Medal of Honor for keeping this guy out of everyone's hair for 4 years. Now, what does all of this have to do with the match at hand? Why should I present these astounding examples of subhuman life to you? To make myself look better? Yes. To point out how tolerant and wonderful a person I am? Yes. To make everyone wonder what was wrong with me that these were the only friends I could find? Uhh... Anyway... I wanted to put this next statement in perspective: If I were ever forced into a conversation with Diane Chambers, her vitals would see air within 3 minutes. Not a threat, but a factual statement. - Plain Vanilla Lisa Where's the "Anne Robinson mangled and killed" button? - Green Armadillo I can't believe you put Dennis Miller against four child geniuses, an English guy who regularly battles demons and such (gotta be smart for that), Ben Stein (who regularly bets his intelligence against others for money), and Diane Chambers (the only woman in the bar who could have an intelligent conversation with Frasier). If anything, Dennis loses simply because of bad karma. The man did a Tales from the Crypt movie, in which he shot sexy female vampires with a Super Soaker??? He doesn't deserve to be in this game. His smart-ass remarks won't save him now. - Scotty J. "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" (tm) is better anyway" I never realized until now what a cute couple Lisa Simpson and Jason Fox would make. Just imagine their kids. Or even better, don't. - Lou the Inscrutable Dexter could blow up the universe with one invention. Like they'd risk that? - The Deranged Reasoner I voted off Dennis because:
1: He's a moron.
2: He's a bad football commentator, which irritates me. 3: I hate him. Of course, those who would feel the fury of my wrath if I could but reach into the screen usually torment me by winning. Maybe Anne Robinson will grow weary of his tired attempts at humor and kill him for me. - The Phantom The main problem with The Weakest Link(tm) is that all the stupid players gang up on the smart ones so that if, by some strange twist of fate, they end up in the final two, they aren't up against one of the really smart people. And the smart people can't stop this, unless they act really stupid. Therefore, I voted as the stupid players on The Weakest Link(tm) would have -- I voted for Lisa. She's the threat. I've never been too impressed with Ben Stein. Jason is just a computer geek. Malcolm's getting to the point where hormones are interfering with his natural brilliance. Rupert Giles has gone back to England, so he has to forfeit. Dennis' intelligence has been lost forever, after hanging around those football dorks. Dexter's just a weenie who gets high off the fumes in his lab. So, after this round, I'm afraid we'll hear Anne say "Lisa, you AREN'T the weakest link, but these idiots think you are, so you've got to go. Goodbye!" - Julie It is the first round of the competition. 20 seconds remain on the clock but the total banked money remains at 0. Instead of gathering as much money as fast as possible, the team has decided on the All or NothingTM technique. After several failed attempts(courtesy of Diane Chambers) the team has managed to answer 7 questions in a row. Anne quickly turns to Lisa with the $125,000 question. Lisa thinks to herself: "There's a lot of money in the pot;maybe i should bank. No, we're so close. We agreed to go all the way. If I bank now, the whole team will get mad. I will NOT bank." Lisa remains silent, allowing Anne to begin the question: "In the most famous "Itchy & Scratchy"TM cartoon, Scratchy finally manages to kill Itchy. How exactly does he do it?" As Anne finishes the question, Lisa's face turns from a bright yellow to a pale white and a bloodcurdling shriek echos through the studio. "OH MY GOD!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Lisa then begins banging her head against the podium. "I'm sorry, that is incorrect. The correct answer is..." Anne's voice is lost to the other 7 contestants as they turn to scowl at Lisa. With less than 10 seconds left on the clock, the team's chances of a $1,000,000 win are eliminated.
One commercial break later: - Adam S. My old mate Dexter is gonna win, and here's why. There is no Dexter Jihad. You know for certain there is a Simpsons Jihad, as the Braveheart Jihad (There is no Jihad) pinted out in their manifesto. If I remember correctly, Groundskeeper Willie was trumped by Braveheart in their epic battle in an earlier Grudge Match (tm). From this we can gather... A) Having a jihad is a sign of weakness. Groundskeeper Willie lost despite the efforts of the afore mentioned Simpsons Jihad, yet the Braveheart Jihad told us themselves that there was no Braveheart jihad!!!!. Certainly the only people who could say whether or not there was a Braveheart Jihad were the members of the Braveheart Jihad themselves. Yet they told us there was no Jihad, and who are we to question them. QED, Having a Jihad means you're going to lose. B) I don't know about any of the other Charecters in this Tournament of Champions(tm) Apart from Dexter and Lisa. I live in Australia, and only the best of American T.V. (debatable) comes to my gleaming shores. QED Lisa and Dexter are the best of the best of the best(tm). That means the competition will come down to either of these too.....and we already know the Simpsons have a Jihad (there IS a Jihad). C) Have you ever heard of a Dexter Jihad? No. Why? Because there is no Jihad(tm). Thus in conclusion, Dexter will win. - Hyper Intelligent Fish, President of the Dexter Jihad (There is no Jihad)(tm) I honestly don't care who's the weakest link as long as someone bitch- slaps the hostess on their way out. - the Main Man Rupert had to go next. The rest of the contestants left actually put their knowledge to use. Rupert just hangs out with a bunch of college kids, like he's trying desperately to be cool or something. That's just sad. - Scotty J. "being in college myself, I'd never let him near me" I voted in an attempt to obtain victory for Jason Fox, because he's the only one I really know anything about, but last night I figured out how to justify it. Jason is the one most likely to get the all-important and desireable [tm] affixed behind Ten Babes For Every Nerd. He is intelligent enough to know that many women for relatively few men would be the best way to populate the world, but wouldn't want any for himself (unless he could bring Eileen in there, I'm thinking, but I digress). As such, he deserves our unconditional support. - James - This message brought to you by the Put-a-[tm]-Behind-"Ten Babes For Every Nerd" Committee An important fact I would like to mention about The Weakest Link, it is NOT from America it comes from good old GREAT Britian. However, while the Americans can win large amounts of money and has the pleasure of Anne Robinson hosting the show we also have to suffer Anne Robinson but can only win peanuts in comparison. However the match in question I can only say who the HELL are Ben Stein, Dennis Miller and Jason Fox? I voted for one of these I cannot remember which they are obviously no one of importance so should all lose. Rupert Giles would have his English relatives to warn him and so he should have read up on how to deal with the monster, Anne Robinson, while the others would be less aware of the dangers they faced. However the winner is easy ANNE ROBINSON none can stand before her!! Based on all of this there is only one thing the contestants can be thankful for and this they are not WELSH!!! Anne Robinson got into some trouble over here for an interview programme about her pet hates and she named Wales. If any of them had the slightest Welsh blood in their veins then relatives should start booking their seats for the funeral. - Fox 37 "If this is a question then this is an answer" Ben Stein will be eliminated very quickly. Why? Because he's used to winning what he can save of five thousand dollars. Once the prize money exceeds that he'll probably have a heart attack. After Malcolm gets voted off his family is sure to charge Anne. They run onto the stage and start a huge fight! Dexter's gonna pull out a ray gun and shoot Jason's foot off. Before running home to get one of those big robots. But the people back stage prepare for this, they knew Anne would push someone over the edge sooner or later. The producer presses a big red button causing Anne to begin to shoot lasers out of her eyes. Then Lisa hears Dennis Miller insult former president and fellow saxaphonist Bill Clinton way too much she begins to insult him back. Lisa, being the educated person she is can come up with actual insults. But poor Dennis simply ran out of jokes, and he resorts to punching Lisa in the face. Big mistake. This brings the wrath of Homer down upon the contestants. Before Dennis can make a joke about Homer's weight, Homer rams him head first into one of Anne's lasers. Homer pulls out his own blend of Plutonium donuts and eats twelve, causing his to grow ten times his normal size, and twenty times his normal weight. He says, "Eeeww! I got Ben Stein all over my foot." Lisa then falls madly in love with Malcolm and just kinda wanders off with him. After Homer killed every other contestant He proclaims, "Woohoo! I won!" Before he can claim the money (the winner wins a default $100,000 for killing Anne) he gets punched in the back of the head by a giant robot. Homer is knocked out! Dexter's the winner! But he has to pay for the damages to the studio leaving him in debt to the studio for $25.14! - Paploo Rosen As with all Grudge Matches, it is not the winners that matter, but the amount of blood-shed done. Here is a list of the best mortal wounds each contestant committed upon another before eventual death ensues, or the "weakest link" was weeded out. Dennis- had a tendency to chew off the noses of his foes. Diane- twin Christmas trees gouged across the back with her nails. Rupert- stakes through the gut. He lost his spectacles early on. Malcolm- baseball bat to the shins Lisa- using her inherently sharp hair as a pizza cutter. Dexter- released Dee Dee upon his hapless foes. Jason- surgical removal of the kidneys. Ben- chewed through the skull and consumed the brains. Anne- consumed the penis and testicles. The savagery of the fight was so severe, even the last one standing, the host, bled to death from the sheer amount of wounds sustained. - He, the Mortal, and the Misery, emphasis on the Mortal. Jason Fox all the way. The weakest link is the ultimate test of Machiavellian strategy. Machiavellian strategy, for those who don't know, is the strategy of getting ahead by any means necessary. Preying on the weak, allying with the strong, backstabbing your allies at the first opportunity, etc. It is the art of playing dirty. In the Fox family, practical jokes abound. Two siblings team up to insult the third, parents making fun of the kids, all three kids and one parent ganging up on the second parent, it all goes. And through it all, Jason is almost always on the winning side. He constantly outwits the schemes of his entire family, and still manages to get a sly remark in edgewise. Jason Fox knows how to win. He wins at home, and he'll win here. - The Animator Well, given the way the current voting is going, I'm going to predict that this is going to come down to Jason vs. Lisa. (Remember, you real people and acted characters, don't go against the drawn or animated in a grudge match!) Now, both are skilled intellectually, and both are relatively familiar with pop culture, but Jason has a secret weapon: He watches The Simpsons The Simpsons is a popular show in the Foxtrot world, and Jason is of a demographic to never miss it. So he'll get Simpson-related questions, plus he'll know everything Lisa's done and said on the show. But Lisa can't possibly watch her own show, since she's in it. And even if she did read Foxtrot, what good would it do her? How often do Foxtrot-related questions come up in game shows? Never, that's how often. But when, at the climactic moment of the show arrives and Lisa is asked "What popular animated TV show, drawn by Matt Groening, features a foolish father who works at a nuclear power plant?", she'll be doomed and Jason will walk away with the win. - Denis "and where was Huey Freeman?" Moskowitz The first round goes as follows: All questions answered correctly, with Ben having the economic sense to bank the money. Anne Robinson quips "who's one pancake short of a stack" to which Lisa, Jason, Giles and Ben ring in (each built their own ringer) and respond "Who is" would be the proper grammar Anne... slightly rebuffed, Anne continues to ridicule the contestant.. to which the geek factor kicks in and each contestant rebuts with the sharp wit equaled only by Comic Book Guy or the Simpsons, eventually Jason provides Anne with an answer to why he made his choice: "As with all problems this one is best solved mathematically, it is also important to note the appropriateness of math due to the enhanced geek factor (tm) in this contestation. We will commence by regarding the facts: Four child prodigies, four middle-aged sages, two dames, six fellows, three cartoons (drawn renditions at the very least), and four contestants bearing spectacles. Now the answer is simple: Lisa Simpson is voted off 7-1 (Lisa voting for Dennis). Lisa is the member of the most number of minorities: being one of four children the vote would be 4-4, being one of four who are not visually impared the vote is 4-4, being one of three illustrations the vote is against her 5-3, and being one of two females, the vote is against her 6-2. Normally the vote would be closer between Lisa and Diane, but all of the other geniuses realize the mathematics of the situation and reject Lisa. Note that this being a mathematical conclusion it does not take into account annoyance factors, or one of the non-cartoon characters carrying an eraser." - Mike Gale 8 corpses, all suffering massive gunshot wounds to the head by a high caliber weapon, litter the studio. The audience has fled in panic. All is quiet. Anne Robinson stands in the middle of the arena, the spotlight on her, still smiling. She says nothing, but slowly looks to the heavens and then she offers up a silent prayer: Dear Lord, thank you. I've wished this for years. I don't know how you did this, I don't know who did this, but thank you. It was better than sex. Thank you. In the rafters, Ren Hoek drops his sniper rifle. He says to himself , "Those EEEEEDIOTS! Don't they know who I am? Don't they know who they're DEALING WITH???? How DAAARE they leave me off their show!! I NEEEEEED that money for......the glazed ham.....and.....huge pectoral muscles....." - Stimpy. Ren's my hero and my friend! I like shaving scum! Now we can really see how much power Bill Amend really holds. - Jonio The Studlio (The ad break ends. Brief sting of music and the fancy light stuff) Anne: Welcome back... to The Weakest Link. Round six now, with Lisa, Jason and Dexter still... (Three crashes are heard) Anne: What was that?!? Director Guy (from off-camera): Umm, it seems the cardboard boxes these little runts have been standing on to reach the podiums just broke. Anne: Well, can't we get them a milk crate or something to stand on? Director Guy (still off-camera): We can't, we're using all of them for our other show, "Milk Crate Challenge". Anne: Can we at least use lots of copies of the Yellow Pages?! Director Guy (off-camera again): We can't, that Dewey kid stole them... Seeing none of the remaining contestants can reach their pens and paper, Lisa, Jason and Dexter win with a tie. The money they have is shared between them, but they pool it together to make an extra- special creation in Dexter's lab - Pesticide coming in three flavours - Bart Away, Dee-Dee Away and Paige Away. - Mixmaster Flibble While I appreciate the Grudge Match giving us Grudgies the decision on who gets voted off, that's not how it works. The contestants vote each other off on the real game until there's only two left; thus, the two left will be the two least annoying. Let's see who doesn't make it. Lisa - Please. The world's most sanctimonious, self-righteous, and though she wouldn't want to admit it, intolerant eight-year-old? Her arrogance is her downfall. Dennis - No one likes a smartass, Dennis. But what really did you in is those collect call commercials. "Just dial 10-10-3145323457624 and save a buck!" Better luck next time, Dennis. Rupert - His show was on the WB. And there is NOTHING in the world more annoying than the WB. Besides, he's on UPN now, which means he's at half-strength or even less. Diane - You can't spend that much time with Ted Danson or Kelsey Grammer and not become just a little annoying. Jason - AKA the kid who made "annoying" a household word. Ask his sister. The boy could give really annoying lessons on how to be annoying. He can't stop himself. To annoy is his mission in life. Malcolm - You know, the kid from the unfunny and really overrated sitcom? The one that will NOT F*&^ING SHUT UP?? Malcolm is mercifully taken out. That leaves: Dexter, who knows what annoying is and how to face it down; and Ben Stein, whose monotone exterior led the others to ignore him. Now let's compare the fields of knowledge of the two final combatants:
Dexter: Science and technology Ben Stein walks away with this one, and then proceeds to make out with Anne Robinson backstage. We'll see you next time on... The Weakest Link! - Infraggable Krunk According to Dave Barry, the Internet is owned and run by a 13 year old named Jason. I think the winner is clear.
- MonkeyDog As Ben Stein is sent, hurtling into the screaming void of space, the two 'toon titans glare at each other, ready for the worst, when suddenly... "Hold it right there!" croaks a mechanical voice. A beam of light shoots down from the heavens above! Slowly, elegantly, a wheelchair descents from above... Stephen Hawking, the smartest man in the world has arrived! "Stop this at once!" the voice-less brainiac lectures, "Have you no shame? People of such brilliance should be working together for the benefit of all mankind; not fighting amongst each other for supremacy! As your punishment, you shall both lose the use of your brilliant minds!!!" Then, just before Lisa or Jason can do anything, a beam of pure energy shoots forth from Prof. Hawking's cranium. It surrounds both of the kids and returns to the paralytic poindexter just as his chair begins to levitate away. Lisa and Jason stare blankly for a few seconds before collapsing to the ground, drooling uncontrollably. Above the screams and gasps of horror from the audience and hostess, a cold, mechanical voice rings through the night... "4ll j00r br41n5 4r3 b3l0ng t0 u5! h4h h4h h4h h4h!" - The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!! Before the questions can be asked to Lisa and Jason Foxtrot creator Bill Amend and Simpsons creator Matt Groening will engage in a bloody fistfight in the audience, both will connect with lethal blows and die. Since they are dead, Lisa and Jason will now no longer exist, since there is no one to create them anymore (And don't try and use the "Someone else will take over the Simpsons" Scenario, cause that won't work here baby. Sorry, little Austin Powers slip) Since no one is there to win the money, the creator's of the Weakest Link will give to someone who is most deserving of it, Steve and Brian, for being the only members of the audience left after the ensuing chaos.
After the Show: They're Stevie, there Stevie and the Brian Brian Brian Brian Brian.... - Dane "The New Prodigy" After observing the results of this match, one might infer that having just four fingers per hand is a distanct advantage when playing The Weakest Link. And yet having pupils in you eye seems to be a disadvantage. And here I was about to go try out for The Weakest Link without being fully prepared. You know what that means, don't you? Time to break out the hacksaw and the laser-pointer! - Spoo Monkey - "Aaag! My retina! My fingers! My other retina!"
For some longer responses, try the Ritalin Reading Room
And what have we learned today, boys and girls? Apparently most people believe a cartoon child to be more intelligent than any flesh-and-blood character. And here we were worried that robots and computers are going to take over the planet.
- Reverend Loki
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