World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

STEVE: This week, live from Vegas we bring you Wonder Woman and the Bionic Woman in a bout of mud wrestling. Standard pro-wrestling rules apply (actually, are there any?), except in ankle deep mud. Both contestants are without aids of any kind-- it is strictly hand-to-hand. Therefore no magic lassos,etc. In addition, the fight is not fixed by the Mafia. So Brian, who are you putting your money on?

Bionic Woman, Jaime Sommers Wonder Woman, Diana Prince

Bionic Woman

vs.

Wonder Woman

The Commentary

BRIAN: I have to go with Wonder Woman on this one, Steve. It's a tough call since it's strictly hand-to-hand (if magic lassos and invisible jets were allowed, it would be over in seconds): both can't act; both have horrible writing; both are now only seen on commericals and made for TV movies; both make really groovy 70s sound effects whenever they do something supernatural; both are obvious feminist-based reactions to successful male super heroes (Superman and Six Million Dollar Man). But I have to side with Wonder Woman simply because she fills out her costume so much better than the Bionic Woman, and that's a major factor in mud wrestling. If the fans see the uglier one winning, she'll be overrun. We're talking about a former Miss America here! One that hasn't posed naked in Playboy, so people are dying to see her romp around in the mud (and as any mud wrestling connoisseur knows, winning a mud wrestling match means much more romping, hence the fans will do anything to see that she wins). I know, typically, that these match-ups are mono-et-mono, but you're the one that picked mud wrestling and with mud wrestling ANYTHING goes. Fan involvement is not only allowed, but it is encouraged!

STEVE: You make some truly valid points, but if you look beneath the surface (both literally and figuratively), you'll see that the Bionic Woman has the edge here. Her advantage is that three of her limbs are bionic (i.e. mechanical) as opposed to flesh and blood. Different holds and twists won't hurt her, because there aren't any natural joints to produce pain. Wonder Woman can bend and twist all she wants, but it just won't hurt bionic limbs. Second, the Bionic limbs are nuclear powered. She can fight forever without fatigue. This will be the crucial factor in this match. I'd say they are pretty evenly matched for strength, but Wonder Woman will get tired, and eventually succumb to the power of bionics.

As an aside, I'll give you that Wonder Woman fills out the costume better. However, the bionic woman is nothing to sneeze at. If you take a closer look I think you'll find that she has her merits as well.

BRIAN: First of all, I never said the Bionic Woman was something to sneeze at - BUT SHE'S NO MISS AMERICA! Wonder Woman has got it goin' on!! Second, Wonder Woman is strong enough to tear open the Bionic Woman to expose her electronics to the mud: short circuit. Ol' Lindsley won't be able to lift a finger once the mud hits her transistors - just like sticking a fork in a toaster.

Also, Steve, I'd like to give you a bit of a reality check: The Bionic Woman is NOT nuclear powered! To be nuclear powered you have to have a much larger apparatus then could fit in her skinny little body. And here's another news flash, her limbs are not mechanical - it's just special effects. They really don't have the technology. They really can't rebuild her! But Wonder Woman is completely real! I've seen her! She's flesh and blood and all-powerful. Bionic Woman is just a cheesy science fiction TV mirage--Wonder Woman is the real thing!

STEVE: Brian, are you hearing those voices again? Maybe I should take you back to go see the nice gentleman with the leather couch. Don't you remember how we decided that Wonder Woman is not real? She's just fictional, like Superman and Batman.

BRIAN: OH!! Now NONE of the Superfriends are real!! Then how do you explain, mister, that I just came from the Hall of Justice (flown in Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet, by the way), hmmmmmm?!! People are constantly telling me that they're not real, like that nice man with the couch. Or those men that gave me that nice jacket. Or mommy. I know they're real! How can you say they're not? I see them all the time! They talk to me all the time! In fact, I can hear them now.....Gleek? is that you, Gleek? If I kill, Steve, we both get bananas? Yes, Gleek. Brian likes bananas....

The Results

Wonder Woman (202)

beats

Bionic Woman (92)

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Voter Comments

Many of you have shown concern about Brian's mental health and well-being. O.K., nobody's asked, but I'll tell you how he's doing anyway. Brian is resting comfortably at Whispering Willow Breezy Pines Sancitorium for Crazy People (TM). He has lots of new friends, a nice couch, and closely monitored close circuit television (that is, no superfriends). With the help of his new friends and heavy doses of Prozac, he is feeling well enough to continue with the Grudge Matches.

-Steve

Wonder Woman will have something akin to home court advantage in this battle, simply because she does have the better T&A (Training and Athletisism what did you thing I was talking about?) With this advantage, the crowd will be on her side , cheering Wonder Woman to victory

-Gonzo

My first instinct was to go Bionic Woman all the way, but then I thought - nahh unless that solid state circuitry's been upgraded since the 70's she's the cybernetic equivalent of 8-track casette tape. Now I admit that Wonder Woman's heyday was back in the days of Frampton and Disco Duck - but those outfits are timeless, not to mention the magic gauntlets, invisible jet etc. No, I figure after some initial problems, those old transistors 'll start to overheat, and with a 64k CPU (at best) how on earth will she keep up with the Wundermadchens strategic use of blitzkrieg style superheroic mud-wrestling savvy? No, a few minutes of that and Lindsay 'll be looking for a job with Ronco as a second hand salad shooter.

-Andy

How can you even compare? Wonder Woman will easily beat the Bionic Woman, hands down. Simply because in a mud- wrestling match, it takes more than strength to win. Let's compare:

Bionic Woman only has the strength of her bionics to win the match, sure she can jump real high and crush tennis balls, but what does that have to do with mud-wrestling.

Wonder Woman on the other hand, is lithe and cat-like. And her costume allows her to be more so. Appart from her savage Amazonian strength, she is quick and acrobatic (traits she has gleaned from training with the other Amazons).

The Match:

Bionic woman tries to use her only weapon, her immense strength, to try and crush Wonder Woman like a tennis ball. But after all, this IS mud-wrestling, and Wonder Woman squirts out of the Bionic Woman's grip. Using her acrobatic prowress, Wonder Woman tries several times to leg sweep the Bionic Woman, but to no avail, the Bionic Woman jumps higher and higher with each successive try. Finally, Wonder Woman tries one last leg sweep, and the Bionic Woman goes flying out of the arena, never to be seen again.

-Kendrick

Ok, I have to agree with Brian, even though he is going a little crazy here... Keep in mind, Bionic Woman is a woman. A normal woman who slipped in the bathtub, and needed a replacement hip, and had a few other augmentations installed while she was under the knife. Wonder-Woman, on the other hand, is just that. A supernatural woman with amazing powers (have you ever seen her veritcal leap?) Supernatural always wins over bionic crap.

-Christopher

Steve, you know how I feel about this whole mud-wrestling idea, but I thought I'd put it in writing for you.

The idea that either the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman would succumb to mudwrestling just to satisfy the fantasies of horny college boys is ridiculous. As Brian said (and I can't believe I'm agreeing with Brian), both characters were developed as feminist responses to the male dominated superhero world and as such would not belittle themselves through such meaningless activities. While men feel the need to prove to others how wonderful, strong, and arrogant they really are, women do not. Therefore the whole setup is pointless since neither character would ever particpate.

-Double-D Debbie Does Dallas Quickly, pro-mudwrestler

Have to back Steve up on this one. Although Wonder Woman would do a better job of filling out the suit, I have to go withthe humanoid for overall endurance. Look at all the advantages in Jamie Summers' corner: Steve Austin will be there rooting for her, not to mention Max, the Bionic Dog, and don't forget the crucial element in the whole fight: Jamie's manager, Oscar Goldman.

Using Bobby "The Brain" Heenan tactics, Oscar will distract Wonder Woman in order for Jamie to get some robotic cheap shots in. Oscar's most cunning move will be to poke Wonder Woman in the eye with his glasses when he removes them to draw attention to the fact that he has something important to say. Wonder Woman hasn't got a chance, since she hasn't got the golden lasoo and those bullet-proof bracelets. She has some super strength, but it won't be enough to beat Jamie Summers.

Since Wonder woman has been around the block a few times, her joints are beginning to creak and Jamie's bionic ear will hear the move before she even sees it. Wonder Woman will spend the entire fight throuwing punches into thin air. Eventually, after a few hours, Wonder Woman will collapse from fatigue and Jamie will sick Max on the prone, lifeless body of Wonder Woman. Once Max gets involved, Wonder Woman is Wonder Chewtoy. Game over in 2 minutes.

HotBranch!

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