World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

It's the first night of the Annual Supernatural Being Conference, being held this year in Las Vegas. The WWWF news team is once again proud to bring you coverage of this gala event. The Keynote address, by Grandpa Munster, has just ended, and the attendees are mingling about in the lobby. However, unbeknownst to all, Uncle Fester, in a fit of sexual frustration, spiked the punch with his secret "2000 Proof Wonder Juice."

Enter our two contestants, Jeannie and Samantha, who both drink heavily due to the dry Vegas air. In typical female fashion, they both begin to brag about their men. Under the influence of the Wonder Juice, their discussion turns into a competitive debate, then into searing insults. After Jeannie (who has a low tolerance) is floored by a degrading comment by Samantha about "Astronauts and Monkeys," she says "That's it! I'll put you in your place!" She folds her arms across her chest and......

Who will be the last one standing in this magical battle? You decide! Please, no wagering on this event.

Jeannie, I Dream of Jeannie Samantha Stephens, Bewitched

Jeannie

vs.

Samantha

The Commentary

BRIAN: Well, Steve, as you are well aware, I am a big fan of the Beautiful & Alluring Barbara Eden (BABE) Factor (tm), but I gotta go with Samantha on this one. True, Jeannie's more of a BABE (tm), and Samantha always goes by 'Sam' which is an inherently wimpy name, but let's face it: even though Jeannie tries her hardest, she always screws up. Master needs help with something, he gets sent to the top of an elephant in the Gobi Desert. Master doesn't need help, he gets sent to the top of an elephant in the Gobi Desert. Jeannie, flighty as she is, will be even more thrown off by the Wonder Juice (tm) and will accidentally turn Wednesday Addams into a frog, thereby incurring the wrath of Gadzooks, who was hitting on her at the time, who subsequently sends Jeannie into the 5th dimension (where she is forced to sing horrible 70's retro music).

Samantha, on the other hand, is a cool customer. Wonder Juice (tm) or not, she'll avoid whatever blinking and nodding might come her way and will be able to respond clearly and effectively if and when Jeannie returns from her stint with Marilyn McCoo.

STEVE: You raise some good points, but I'm going to have to side with Jeannie on this one. You see, Samantha is just too nice, and will probably never do anything truly bad to Jeannie. At worst, Samantha will just shrink Jeannie to miniature size, or maybe turn her into a goat. However, Jeannie's creations (screw-ups or not) are always quite extravangant and overdone. For example, when was the last time you saw Samantha transport someone into a mideveal torture chamber, suspended over boiling oil, complete with masked torturer and chains?

Another important factor that cannot be overlooked in this match are the limitations of Samantha's witchcraft. She cannot undo another witch's spell. How does this apply to Jeannie, who is not a witch? I don't think anyone really knows. At best, it is a non-factor. At worst, Samantha will be helpless against Jeannie who does not have this limitation.

BRIAN: Foolish, foolish, Steve. You've fallen right into my trap. Yes, Samantha is always too nice -- but this is a cat fight and all rules are off. Sam never sent anyone to a dungeon because she never wanted to. Now she wants to. Did Jeannie ever send someone to a dungeon when it was appropriate? No. It's appropriate now, but what will she do? (I refer you to my previous elephant/Gobi statement.) Samantha may not be able to reverse Jeannie's spells (of course, as mentioned, since Jeannie is not a witch this is probably moot), but she won't have to. Why should be concerned with returning Wednesday from her amphibian state? Or about returning Cousin It from a polar ice flow?

Let's face it. Jeannie is great at screwing up. She'll make every day Sunday, or make it snow in sunny Florida, or turn her Master's voice into an opera singer's (all at the worst times and usually about 7 minutes into the show and when Dr. Bellows is around the corner), but I doubt she could cast a spell on the broad side of the barn when she's mad AND tipsy. Sam, the picture of calm, defends her man.

STEVE: Brian, your point of Jeannie's uncontrollability only works against you. Samantha lacks originality, while Jeannie is always totally unpredictable. Do you think Sam can win by turning Jeannie into a cow, or by casting some silly love spell on Jeannie? We're not talking about Mrs. Kravitz here! Sure, Jeannie will screw up, but that's why she will win.

With a cross of her arms and a quick nod, Boing! Jeannie's intention: Sam will find herself in Baghdad surrounded by giant tarantulas and fire-breathing dragons. Maybe throw in a few evil Sultans brandishing huge scimitars ready to slice poor Sam to pieces. But of course, Jeannie will screw up yet still manage to win. Instead Sam will find herself in the delicatessen across the street, with a couple spiders crawling up her leg, and maybe an iguana on her head. Maybe throw in a few Deli workers with knives slicing up some cold cuts for lunch. Then, POW! A random drive-by shooting makes poor little Tabitha motherless. Incredible? Yes. And yet it happened.

For Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Samantha (378)

zaps

Jeannie (350)

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Voter Comments

It's Clear cut.....Jeannie is a hell of a lot more powerful. First she'll blind Sam, just like she did to Major Nelson in one episode. The with Sam blinded she'll go in for the kill, sending her to the north pole or the sahara or something, when Samantha will be eaten by a dinosaur or something (also sent by Jeannie). Remeber, jeanie gets pissed a whole lot faster Sam ever does.

BTW...this was a Nick at Nite poll last year.

- Vinnie M.

It will be an ugly scene, that is for sure. Jeannie and Samantha will be trading spells and nose wiggles and nods for all they're worth. Unfortunately, both of them being compleatly sauced, they very seldom hit each other with their black spells and incantations.

As such, many of the other members of the conference end up as goats, or in Baghdad (spiders, blades, etc.) and what have you. This causes no small annoyance to the conference organizers, who know that they are going to have to spend a great deal of time, effort, and money to get all of their members back and in their original state, what ever that may have been. (Sam and Jeannie are definitely _not_ getting an invite to the conference next year, and legal action will most likely be pending for the next millennium. Not to mention Fester, who will be sued by not only to conference, but most of the members who partook of the punch, as well as being prosecuted by the EPA for illegal disposal of toxic substances.)

Finally, after most of the Conference Hall has been turned into various knickknacks (that resemble something you might find in a stereotyped 70's household) and most of the guest have been winked, or nodded, or wiggled, or whatever in some way or another, Endora (Sam's beloved mother) comes to her daughter's aid.

It is well known that Endora does not like or approve of Derwood, but Endora's motherly instincts kick in (ether that or she just can't resist a good cat fight) and she casts a spell on Jeannie forcing her back into a bottle. But not, as you might think, Jeannie's own bottle, but in fact a bottle of Night Train fortified wine, which is then handed off to a passing wino, who unfortunately has a weak heart, and is found dead of a heart attack the next day with an freshly opened bottle of Night Train at his side. (Poor guy, just think what he could have done with his very own Jeannie.)

So, Sam wins the fight, but it could be argued that neither of the contestants won in that both will be in debt for the rest of their unnatural lives trying to pay off the numerous law suits that poor in after their night of drunken brawling.

- Patrick

I usually don't take 'em seriously. Something about that last one just shook me up...

- Darrin Barnett

Sorry Steve, but Brian is the big winner on this one, but for the wrong reasons. Since both parties are pretty liquored up, neither one will be worth their weight in magic in this case. You both overlooked one very important person in this match-up - Tabitha. Tabitha will undoubtedly side with her mother, touch her finger to her nose, and send Jeannie into some cute little storybook, like "Where The Wild Things Are." Since everybody is focused on the two adults, this will give the little girl plenty of time to execute her plan, even though the finger wiggling the nose is slower than Sam's seemingly easy nose wiggle. Sorry Jeannie, but you're going to have to do the Wild Thing. Steve and Brian, I'm disappointed in both of you for overlooking such an important factor in this one.

- The Unix Guy

Jeannie goes for the old arm-cross, starts to bounce the head, and she's staring at a pair of prize rhododendron plants right where her prize-winning cleavage used to be. In shock, Jeannie never finishes the decisive head-fake motion, ruining the spell. She pulls herself together, crosses her arms to head-fake her mammaries back to the animal kingdom and suddenly she's got seal flippers for arms and can't cross them properly. Morticia of the Addams Family heads for the rhododendrons with her rose-trimming shears and Jeannie flees from the room in tears.

No contest.

- Dirk Valk

Jeannie. She'll goad Samantha until she twitches her nose and makes a .357 appear in her hands with which she shoots Jeannie. Seemingly dead, Jeannie waits until Samantha turns her back and (using a trick she learned from J.R.) survives an apparently fatal gunshot wound - and in her pain and rage forgets to screw up the magic and disassembles Sam's atoms! A very messy end.

- Marcus.

Well, I think once you take both of their basic personalities and you magnify them with massive alcohol ingestion, Jeanne would become an extremely mean drunk and become a bother to everyone there, not just Sam. Sam, on the other hand, would become very sleepy and find some way to leave the event early. She'd note Jeanne's rudeness for later but find a way out BEFORE Jeanne gets really rolling, therefore leaving someone else to take the brunt of Jeanne's fury. Likely, this person would be poor Major Neilson.

- ErinWagg

Normally, I'd have to pick Sam in such a Battle of the Network SuperMages, but I think in the scenario posited here, Jeannie has the edge. The reason is simple: the Darrin syndrome. Because this contest is the direct fallout of a debate over who's got the better man, Samantha is at a fatal disadvantage, because she won't be able to decide which Darrin it is she's defending. Is it the "Dick York" Darrin, or the "Dick Sargent" Darrin? As she's puzzling over this dilemma, Jeannie will blink-shrug-nod her way to victory...

- Mark Kolb

Jeannie begins by crossing her arms and sending a pillar of fire down from the sky, but accidentally drops her man, from the steaming sauna of the near by military base, onto herself. Samantha uses this time to summon BOTH Darrins, and her entire witchly family. Three mortal men squre off, and Darrin number two goes down on the first blow to the chest bye ol' soldier-boy. Meanwhile, Endora zaps Darrin #1 with a lightening bolt, who she pretends was aimed at the toy soldier Tabitha just turned Jeannie's man into.

As Jeannie picks herself up, Samantha makes her next move. Jeannie is transmogrified into a Daschund. This small dog is now bereft of power due to its lack of arms to cross. Then seeing the death of Darrin #1, she turns on Endora. Endora is old and weak, and Samantha chants:

"Mother for a hundred days All your witchly powers away!"

Endora, bereft of her magical life, is struck dead on the spot, of old age. Samantha, now confused, hurt, and angry turns the Daschund into a coffin. Now being inanimate Jeannie is effectively dead. Samantha puts both Darrins into this newly built coffin, turns the entire city into a cemetary, buries her beloved Darrins in Jeannie, turns the toy soldier into a tombstone, and burns Endora in effigy. Samantha in four minutes, twenty-three seconds (hey she's quick)

- El Guardo

P.S.: Samantha goes on to challenge the re-humanized Wednesday Addams, who throttles her mecilessly. Lesson: Dont fuck with the girl in the black dress.

Well, of COURSE Samantha would win. She's a witch! Witches are inherently evil, therefore they have no remorse, and WAY more rage.

- jstatz

As much as I'd rather see this as a mud wrestling affair I guess I will deal with it on this level.

Here is how it will go, Jeannie tries to transport Sam to the most horrible place on earth (Michael Jackson's School for Boys) but misses sending Dick York to a brothel instead. This really pisses Sam off, so she summons her mother and identical sister and collectively they turn Jeannie into a sumo wrestler's cloth butt-guard.

- R. Lee

When Darrin finds out that there's trouble abrew, he'll quickly throw Sam one of those very dirty looks, and they'll retire to the kitchen, where he'll berate her, and she'll succumb to his will, reenter the arena, and try to make peace. Always appreciative of a world-class catfight, Maj. Healey, however, has other plans. Summoning Jeannie's very hot sister (I forget her name) from ringside, he whispers deviously in her ear ... In a blink, she's agreed to his plan, and, seeing an opportunity to seduce Maj. Nelson, whisks herself and the unsuspecting Tony away to "someplace more comfortable", where she proceeds to try to get him drunk. Thus is Nelson taken out of action. With this last impediment out of her way, (and even more infuriated by sister's attempt at master-napping, which will cause her to be quick, if not merciful) Jeannie makes short work of the innocent Samantha, who goes as a lamb to the slaughter.

- JF.

Jeanie all the way. As we all know, cat fights involve a large amount of "You Bitch", and hair pulling. Well, Jeanie has the most amazing control over her hair ever witnessed by humans. This simple fact ought to give her a slight advantage over her very able opponent. This one should be well worth the Pay Per View price. By the way, I hear Samantha has the same corner team as Peter McNeally.

- JIM

My prediction, the family comes and tears little Jeannie apart and that Roger guy falls apart at the seams. Darrin's boss and the Major's boss do not figure out that thier spouses are super- natural and all is generally well.

- Chris Smith

Hi folks. My vote was for Samantha, not so much because I believe that she's more powerful, but rather to overpower Brian's bizarre statement that Jeannie is more of a Babe.

Some guys just drool for anything in a fez.

- flapjack (who also reminds you that Jeannie is inherently limited by her bottle while Samantha's only other concerns are Endora's antics and wondering why her husband looked so different from one season to the next)

Regardless of the vote's outcome, I'd wager that all the male voters (and the random female voter) would rather see the two ladies doing something together that has nothing to do with fighting.

(Say n'more -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

- Czar

Jeannie would never beat Samantha because she has to spend her entire life following JR around and calling him master and doing stuff for him. Probably she even does his laundry. But Samantha is (or was) much more independent so she had time to sharpen her magic skills. She could stand up for herself against her husband. Why, when she got sick of the old Darrin, she just ordered a new one.

- Shelley Anne Adamik

Sure, Jeannie may be a bit ditzier than Sam, but that doesn't really matter. When you get right down to brass tacks, Sam is a witch. This means that she is either a human that has been enhanced by either knowledge or magic or maybe even a different, older race. But Jeannie is a Djinn, isn't she? I consider that to be an Elemental Force which I would always rank over anything natural, like a witch.

- zigmo

First off, we need to clarify why Uncle Fester's sexual frustrations made him spike the punch which initiated our battle. As we all know, Fester had a fantasy about doing it with two women at the same time. His (and Gomez's) teenage sweethearts, Flora and Fauna, were the perfect way for him to gain the necessary research material for his letter to Penthouse Forum. Unfortunately, an error, commited by Michael Eisner (who refuses to keep his nose out of the Disney animation department), gave Pocahantas the genie's magical powers from Alladin. Pocahantas, who wanted Fester to herself, turned Flora and Fauna into siamese bonsai trees, thus causing Fester's frustration.

Genie and Samantha's shouting match has drawn quite a crowd, they are pretty smashed and are just itching to kick some ass. Doug Henner has agreed to act as referee and flips the coin to see who casts the first spell. Genie wins the coin toss and drunkenly closes her eyes, folds her arms, and nods her head. Boink! Master (aka Larry Hagman) suddenly collapses to the floor - Genie has accidentally made his liver explode. Samantha (feeling like Mrs. Kravits after a few shots of tequila) wiggles her nose causing Elvira's clothes to come off. The men immediately leave the scene to see if they can help Elvira.

Genie and Samantha exchange several more futile rounds of spells that result in general chaos at NASA and in Mrs. Kravits' kitchen. Genie decides to end this fight once and for all; she puts all her power into one massive shake of the head. The few remaining spectators see nothing, but hear a massive cracking sound. Genie has whiplash! She is unable to cast anymore spells and is at Smantha's mercy. Samantha casts the deciding spell by sending Genie, referee Doug Henning, and his front teeth into Genie's bottle and having land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The crowd cheers wildly as they realize that "Bucky" Henning and his stupid card tricks have finally disappeared. Amid the celebration, Fester is seen heading to his hotel room with Endora and Witch Hazel to do some "research".

- HotBranch!

Jeannie may be an airhead, but as a genie she has "phenomenol cosmic power". Thus Samantha is plainly outclassed. The only things genies can't do are, make people fall in love, kill people, and raise people from the dead. So this is how the match shapes up

It doesn't.

As we recall, Jeannie makes the first move. Even though her spell is miscast, it is still backed by her drunken rage enhanced phenomenol comic power. The world blows up and everyone dies. (Jeannie did not actually directly kill anyone) Even Jeannie is dead, having caused her master's death, the council of the genies wastes her for betraying their trust. Plus, she gave genies a bad name.

- The Yellow Fish

I could see it now: Jeannie and Samantha gearing up for the greatest magic war ever...rivaling anything in MOM. But as they get ready they both pass out and fall on the floor as lifeless comatose babes. What better oppurtunity but now for Jeannie's evil dark-haired sister to steal the studly astronaut. Jeannie's sister is about to make her move when out of nowhere Samantha's dark haired cousin appears. In her drug induced hippe state, she mistakingly thinks the Major's uniform is laced with LSD and goes after him. Now the real fireworks begin as the dark haired beauties (who, incidentally, look exactly like Barbara Eden and Elizabeth Montgomery with black wigs) reek their magical havoc on the world. Herman Munster sees that the duel is going to get out of hand and realizes only the fair haired fine honeys can stop their nefarious raven haired relatives. He quickly sends the Thing to slap Jeannie and Samantha awake. Jeannie and Samantha come to their senses and pool their mana together to rid their dark haired counterparts. The beauteous brunettes put up a fight but are quickly banished, as they were many times before. All is forgiven in the wake of the destruction, and Jeannie retires to her bottle and Samantha bakes everyone some cookies.

- T. P. Derfman

I'm with you on this one. Jeannie LOVED using her genie abilities, Samantha was a wimp who shunned her witch side because her even more wimpy husband didn't like it. Jeannie could kick her ass anyday. She was a real woman, strong, knew what she wanted and got it with a nod of the head. No husband of hers could make her give up the power she had over him.

I've actually thought a lot about this. I think Jeannie was a feminist. Even though she pretended she had a master, the truth of the matter is she was the one with all the power, not him. She made her own decisions, whether or not he liked them. She was just appeasing him by calling him master, giving herself even more power by making him think he had some.

-K

This is clearly a contest of control and I think Sam has the edge here. While Jeannie is clearly the more desireable BABE, Sam has the better brain and intelligence will prevail.Jeannie will probably be tricked into a tupperware container and kept fresh well into the next millenia.

The only glitch in this logic is that Sam ended up with Darin. What a LOSER! Tony wasn't much better but at least he was an astronaut. What was wrong with these guys?!!

My hope is that these beauties will knock some sense into each other and dump these boneheads.Then maybe Samantha and Jeannie could become good friends and co-star in a sequel. In today's TV climate, Jeannie could at least show her navel.

- John

The original match was a no-brainer - Samantha has about as much trouble kicking Jeanies ass as Warren Moon does his wife... The aftermath is a bit more interesting, tho - and could spawn a dozen other grudge matches...

Major Nelson and Darrin immediately start going at it after the Major watches Jeanie get turned into a urinal mint. Darrin goes down in a single sucker punch to the head, and has some white stuff coming out of his nose (Honest!). Anyway, this brings Larry Tate into the fray, who, as you know, could drink Mickey Mantle under the table, and kicks the Major in the Jimmie, thus putting him out of commission. You would think this would be enough - not even close! The Majors buddy/shadow steps in, only he's gone into his pilot character from Newhart. Larry doesn't go down after several body blows, but notices his martini is empty, and leaves. This is where it starts to get ugly - Endora staggers through the cloud, and after turning Darrins corpse into Ed Asner, puts a love spell on whatshisname and Lurch. 'nuff said. Fester, who for years has been Lurch's closet love interest, gets pissed and sicks Thing on Endora. Thing uses his only talent to sexually arouse Endora. Endora, as we all know, doesn't get it but every 3 centuries or so, and has a simultaneous orgasm and coronary. Thing dies of disgust.

This leaves two people in the room - Fester, who was the only one smart enough to stay out of the fight, and Mrs. Cravitz, who followed Darrin and Sam to spy on them. Ms. Cravitz was hiding behind curtains and safely out of sight for most of the fight, but has come out to try to resuscitate Thing. Festor gets one good look at her, and the rest is history...

- Terry

Ok folks, here it is...Jeannie wasn't stupid enough to be fooled when her husband was replaced!! Thats right...the old Dick York - Dick Sergant switch off! Samantha never figured it out!! For cryin outloud, the woman's husban changes overnight and she doesnt even BLINK!! (sorry, thats jeannie's thing aint it?) Jeannie may be a bit scatterbrained (the whole Gobi/elephant thing is true), but at least if she goes into the bottle and J.R Ewing's her master (hey, he made more money offa that show!) and when she comes out it's Lee Majors (he played and airforce officer/Astronaut too!!) she's gonna notice! Of course she'd probably try to get J.R back and wind up with Gomer Pyle (or an elephant). Samantha doesn't stand a chance! Add to that the inebreation and she wont even know which person IS Jeannie! She'd keep turning and twitching her nose...randomly casting spell after spell on bystanders, while Jeannie crosses her arms....blinks and yes transports Samantha away...who really cares where..point is she aint there to finish the fight...Jeannie by TKO!!!!

-Eddy

Well Boys I have to put the deceiding factor in this match down to intelligence. Lets face it Jeannie has none. Jeannie will at first forget her supernatural powers and attempt a physical attack. Samantha will see this as some sicko lesbian come-on and with a mere wiggle of her nose transport Jeannie on to the stage forcing her to do a solo caberet act, which she dresses like anyhow. Some how unlike Samantha, Jeannie missed out on the womens liberation movement of 70's and is unable to do any- thing with out her master. But he'll be so sick of her ruining everything in his life hell be happy to get rid of her and be rooting for Sam. Jeannie in a fit of self pity and embarrassment will finally get a bit of her own spirit and take to her master. She'll conjure up an Arabian heavy to go ballastic on him with the commando flea circus. Samantha seeing what a repressed Femme Jeannie was well forget their differences and join her sister against the suppressive patriarchal dominance Jeannie has had to face. Together they force pains upon the stupid astronaut that Lorena Bobbit couldn't have thought up, striking another blow against the patriarchy and one up for Feminism!!!!

-Daniel

I can't really think about this one scientifically. I am overcome by the BABE factor. I vote for Jeannie. I guess its true what they say; all men are dogs.

- Tom

As no less an authority than the Pat Robertson has stated that all witches are in league with Satan, I would prepare to see a side of Samantha that only comes to the surface after a few Zimas. Samantha (Zamantha?) would quickly summon the minions of the Inferno and watch with demented glee as Jeanie was quickly eviscerated and eaten. Blink your way outta THAT, you navel-flaunting, hankie-wearing trollop!

- Mark

My bet's on Samantha because I hope Dr. Bombay is next.

- Jim

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