World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH
It's the first night of the Annual Supernatural Being Conference, being
held this year in Las Vegas. The WWWF news team is once again proud to
bring you coverage of this gala event. The Keynote address, by Grandpa
Munster, has just ended, and the attendees are mingling about in the
lobby. However, unbeknownst to all, Uncle Fester, in a fit of sexual
frustration, spiked the punch with his secret "2000 Proof Wonder Juice."
Enter our two contestants, Jeannie and Samantha, who both drink heavily
due to the dry Vegas air. In typical female fashion, they both begin to
brag about their men. Under the influence of the Wonder Juice, their
discussion turns into a competitive debate, then into searing insults.
After Jeannie (who has a low tolerance) is floored by a degrading comment
by Samantha about "Astronauts and Monkeys," she says "That's it! I'll
put you in your place!" She folds her arms across her chest and......
Who will be the last one standing in this magical battle? You decide!
Please, no wagering on this event.
BRIAN: Well, Steve, as you are well aware, I am a big fan of the
Beautiful & Alluring Barbara Eden (BABE) Factor (tm), but I gotta go with
Samantha on this one. True, Jeannie's more of a BABE (tm), and Samantha
always goes by 'Sam' which is an inherently wimpy name, but let's face
it: even though Jeannie tries her hardest, she always screws up. Master
needs help with something, he gets sent to the top of an elephant in the
Gobi Desert. Master doesn't need help, he gets sent to the top of an
elephant in the Gobi Desert. Jeannie, flighty as she is, will be even
more thrown off by the Wonder Juice (tm) and will accidentally turn
Wednesday Addams into a frog, thereby incurring the wrath of Gadzooks,
who was hitting on her at the time, who subsequently sends Jeannie into
the 5th dimension (where she is forced to sing horrible 70's retro music).
Samantha, on the other hand, is a cool customer. Wonder Juice (tm) or
not, she'll avoid whatever blinking and nodding might come her way and
will be able to respond clearly and effectively if and when Jeannie returns
from her stint with Marilyn McCoo.
STEVE: You raise some good points, but I'm going to have to side
with Jeannie on this one. You see, Samantha is just too nice, and will
probably never do anything truly bad to Jeannie. At worst, Samantha will
just shrink Jeannie to miniature size, or maybe turn her into a goat.
However, Jeannie's creations (screw-ups or not) are always quite
extravangant and overdone. For example, when was the last time you saw
Samantha transport someone into a mideveal torture chamber, suspended over
boiling oil, complete with masked torturer and chains?
Another important factor that cannot be overlooked in this match are the
limitations of Samantha's witchcraft. She cannot undo another witch's
spell. How does this apply to Jeannie, who is not a witch? I don't
think anyone really knows. At best, it is a non-factor. At worst,
Samantha will be helpless against Jeannie who does not have this limitation.
BRIAN: Foolish, foolish, Steve. You've fallen right into my
trap. Yes, Samantha is always too nice -- but this is a cat fight and
all rules are off. Sam never sent anyone to a dungeon because she never
wanted to. Now she wants to. Did Jeannie ever send someone to a dungeon
when it was appropriate? No. It's appropriate now, but what will she do?
(I refer you to my previous elephant/Gobi statement.) Samantha may not
be able to reverse Jeannie's spells (of course, as mentioned, since
Jeannie is not a witch this is probably moot), but she won't have to.
Why should be concerned with returning Wednesday from her amphibian
state? Or about returning Cousin It from a polar ice flow?
Let's face it. Jeannie is great at screwing up. She'll make every day
Sunday, or make it snow in sunny Florida, or turn her Master's voice into
an opera singer's (all at the worst times and usually about 7 minutes
into the show and when Dr. Bellows is around the corner), but I doubt she
could cast a spell on the broad side of the barn when she's mad AND tipsy.
Sam, the picture of calm, defends her man.
STEVE: Brian, your point of Jeannie's uncontrollability only works
against you. Samantha lacks originality, while Jeannie is always totally
unpredictable. Do you think Sam can win by turning Jeannie into a cow, or by
casting some silly love spell on Jeannie? We're not talking about Mrs. Kravitz
here! Sure, Jeannie will screw up, but that's why she will win.
With a cross of her arms and a quick nod, Boing! Jeannie's intention: Sam
will find herself in Baghdad surrounded by giant tarantulas and fire-breathing
dragons. Maybe throw in a few evil Sultans brandishing huge scimitars ready to
slice poor Sam to pieces. But of course, Jeannie will screw up yet still
manage to win. Instead Sam will find herself in the delicatessen across the
street, with a couple spiders crawling up her leg, and maybe an iguana on her
head. Maybe throw in a few Deli workers with knives slicing up some cold cuts
for lunch. Then, POW! A random drive-by shooting makes poor little Tabitha
motherless. Incredible? Yes. And yet it happened.
For Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie links, visit Sitcoms Online.
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Tell a friend about this match
It's Clear cut.....Jeannie is a hell of a lot more powerful. First
she'll blind Sam, just like she did to Major Nelson in one episode. The
with Sam blinded she'll go in for the kill, sending her to the north pole
or the sahara or something, when Samantha will be eaten by a dinosaur
or something (also sent by Jeannie). Remeber, jeanie gets pissed a whole
lot faster Sam ever does.
BTW...this was a Nick at Nite poll last year.
- Vinnie M.
It will be an ugly scene, that is for sure. Jeannie and Samantha will be
trading spells and nose wiggles and nods for all they're worth.
Unfortunately, both of them being compleatly sauced, they very seldom hit
each other with their black spells and incantations.
As such, many of the other members of the conference end up as goats, or
in Baghdad (spiders, blades, etc.) and what have you. This causes no small
annoyance to the conference organizers, who know that they are going to
have to spend a great deal of time, effort, and money to get all of their
members back and in their original state, what ever that may have been.
(Sam and Jeannie are definitely _not_ getting an invite to the conference
next year, and legal action will most likely be pending for the next
millennium. Not to mention Fester, who will be sued by not only to
conference, but most of the members who partook of the punch, as well as
being prosecuted by the EPA for illegal disposal of toxic substances.)
Finally, after most of the Conference Hall has been turned into various
knickknacks (that resemble something you might find in a stereotyped 70's
household) and most of the guest have been winked, or nodded, or wiggled,
or whatever in some way or another, Endora (Sam's beloved mother) comes to
her daughter's aid.
It is well known that Endora does not like or approve of Derwood, but
Endora's motherly instincts kick in (ether that or she just can't resist a
good cat fight) and she casts a spell on Jeannie forcing her back into a
bottle. But not, as you might think, Jeannie's own bottle, but in fact a
bottle of Night Train fortified wine, which is then handed off to a
passing wino, who unfortunately has a weak heart, and is found dead of a
heart attack the next day with an freshly opened bottle of Night Train at
his side. (Poor guy, just think what he could have done with his very own
So, Sam wins the fight, but it could be argued that neither of the
contestants won in that both will be in debt for the rest of their
unnatural lives trying to pay off the numerous law suits that poor in after
their night of drunken brawling.
I usually don't take 'em seriously. Something about that last one just
shook me up...
- Darrin Barnett
Sorry Steve, but Brian is the big winner on this one, but for the wrong
reasons. Since both parties are pretty liquored up, neither one will be worth
their weight in magic in this case. You both overlooked one very important
person in this match-up - Tabitha. Tabitha will undoubtedly side with her
mother, touch her finger to her nose, and send Jeannie into some cute little
storybook, like "Where The Wild Things Are." Since everybody is focused on
the two adults, this will give the little girl plenty of time to execute her
plan, even though the finger wiggling the nose is slower than Sam's seemingly
easy nose wiggle. Sorry Jeannie, but you're going to have to do the Wild
Thing. Steve and Brian, I'm disappointed in both of you for overlooking such
an important factor in this one.
- The Unix Guy
Jeannie goes for the old arm-cross, starts to bounce the head, and
she's staring at a pair of prize rhododendron plants right
where her prize-winning cleavage used to be. In shock, Jeannie never finishes
the decisive head-fake motion, ruining the spell. She pulls herself
together, crosses her arms to head-fake her mammaries back to the animal
kingdom and suddenly she's got seal flippers for arms and
can't cross them properly. Morticia of the Addams Family heads for the
rhododendrons with her rose-trimming shears and Jeannie flees from the
room in tears.
- Dirk Valk
Jeannie. She'll goad Samantha until she twitches her nose and makes a .357
appear in her hands with which she shoots Jeannie. Seemingly dead, Jeannie
waits until Samantha turns her back and (using a trick she learned from J.R.)
survives an apparently fatal gunshot wound - and in her pain and rage forgets
to screw up the magic and disassembles Sam's atoms! A very messy end.
Well, I think once you take both of their basic personalities and you magnify
them with massive alcohol ingestion, Jeanne would become an extremely mean
drunk and become a bother to everyone there, not just Sam. Sam, on the other
hand, would become very sleepy and find some way to leave the event early.
She'd note Jeanne's rudeness for later but find a way out BEFORE Jeanne gets
really rolling, therefore leaving someone else to take the brunt of Jeanne's
fury. Likely, this person would be poor Major Neilson.
Normally, I'd have to pick Sam in such a Battle of the Network SuperMages,
but I think in the scenario posited here, Jeannie has the edge. The reason
is simple: the Darrin syndrome. Because this contest is the direct fallout
of a debate over who's got the better man, Samantha is at a fatal disadvantage,
because she won't be able to decide which Darrin it is she's defending. Is it
the "Dick York" Darrin, or the "Dick Sargent" Darrin? As she's puzzling over
this dilemma, Jeannie will blink-shrug-nod her way to victory...
- Mark Kolb
Jeannie begins by crossing her arms and sending a pillar of fire down
from the sky, but accidentally drops her man, from the steaming sauna of
the near by military base, onto herself. Samantha uses this time to
summon BOTH Darrins, and her entire witchly family. Three mortal men
squre off, and Darrin number two goes down on the first blow to the chest
bye ol' soldier-boy. Meanwhile, Endora zaps Darrin #1 with a lightening
bolt, who she pretends was aimed at the toy soldier Tabitha just turned
Jeannie's man into.
As Jeannie picks herself up, Samantha makes her next move. Jeannie is
transmogrified into a Daschund. This small dog is now bereft of power
due to its lack of arms to cross. Then seeing the death of Darrin #1,
she turns on Endora. Endora is old and weak, and Samantha chants:
"Mother for a hundred days
All your witchly powers away!"
Endora, bereft of her magical life, is struck dead on the spot, of old
age. Samantha, now confused, hurt, and angry turns the Daschund into a
coffin. Now being inanimate Jeannie is effectively dead. Samantha puts
both Darrins into this newly built coffin, turns the entire city into a
cemetary, buries her beloved Darrins in Jeannie, turns the toy soldier
into a tombstone, and burns Endora in effigy. Samantha in four minutes,
(hey she's quick)
- El Guardo
P.S.: Samantha goes on to challenge the re-humanized Wednesday Addams,
who throttles her mecilessly. Lesson: Dont fuck with the girl in the
Well, of COURSE Samantha would win. She's a witch! Witches are inherently
evil, therefore they have no remorse, and WAY more rage.
As much as I'd rather see this as a mud wrestling affair I guess I will
deal with it on this level.
Here is how it will go, Jeannie tries to transport Sam to the most
horrible place on earth (Michael Jackson's School for Boys) but misses
sending Dick York to a brothel instead. This really pisses Sam off, so
she summons her mother and identical sister and collectively they turn
Jeannie into a sumo wrestler's cloth butt-guard.
- R. Lee
When Darrin finds out that there's trouble abrew, he'll quickly throw
Sam one of those very dirty looks, and they'll retire to the kitchen,
where he'll berate her, and she'll succumb to his will, reenter the
arena, and try to make peace. Always appreciative of a world-class
catfight, Maj. Healey, however, has other plans. Summoning Jeannie's
very hot sister (I forget her name) from ringside, he whispers deviously
in her ear ... In a blink, she's agreed to his plan, and, seeing an
opportunity to seduce Maj. Nelson, whisks herself and the unsuspecting
Tony away to "someplace more comfortable", where she proceeds to try to
get him drunk. Thus is Nelson taken out of action. With this last
impediment out of her way, (and even more infuriated by sister's attempt
at master-napping, which will cause her to be quick, if not merciful)
Jeannie makes short work of the innocent Samantha, who goes as a lamb to
Jeanie all the way. As we all know, cat fights involve a large amount of "You
Bitch", and hair pulling. Well, Jeanie has the most amazing control over her
hair ever witnessed by humans. This simple fact ought to give her a slight
advantage over her very able opponent. This one should be well worth the Pay
Per View price. By the way, I hear Samantha has the same corner team as Peter
My prediction, the family comes and tears little Jeannie apart
and that Roger guy falls apart at the seams. Darrin's boss and
the Major's boss do not figure out that thier spouses are super-
natural and all is generally well.
- Chris Smith
Hi folks. My vote was for Samantha, not so much because I believe that
she's more powerful, but rather to overpower Brian's bizarre statement
that Jeannie is more of a Babe.
Some guys just drool for anything in a fez.
- flapjack (who also reminds you that Jeannie is inherently limited by her
bottle while Samantha's only other concerns are Endora's antics and
wondering why her husband looked so different from one season to the next)
Regardless of the vote's outcome, I'd wager that all the male voters (and
the random female voter) would rather see the two ladies doing something
together that has nothing to do with fighting.
(Say n'more -- nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
Jeannie would never beat Samantha because she has to spend her entire
life following JR around and calling him master and doing stuff for him.
Probably she even does his laundry. But Samantha is (or was) much more
independent so she had time to sharpen her magic skills. She could stand
up for herself against her husband. Why, when she got sick of the old
Darrin, she just ordered a new one.
- Shelley Anne Adamik
Sure, Jeannie may be a bit ditzier than Sam, but that doesn't really matter.
When you get right down to brass tacks, Sam is a witch. This means that she
is either a human that has been enhanced by either knowledge or magic or
maybe even a different, older race. But Jeannie is a Djinn, isn't she? I
consider that to be an Elemental Force which I would always rank over anything
natural, like a witch.
First off, we need to clarify why Uncle Fester's sexual frustrations made
him spike the punch which initiated our battle. As we all know, Fester had
a fantasy about doing it with two women at the same time. His (and
Gomez's) teenage sweethearts, Flora and Fauna, were the perfect way for
him to gain the necessary research material for his letter to Penthouse
Forum. Unfortunately, an error, commited by Michael Eisner (who refuses to
keep his nose out of the Disney animation department), gave Pocahantas the
genie's magical powers from Alladin. Pocahantas, who wanted Fester to
herself, turned Flora and Fauna into siamese bonsai trees, thus causing
Genie and Samantha's shouting match has drawn quite a crowd, they are
pretty smashed and are just itching to kick some ass. Doug Henner has
agreed to act as referee and flips the coin to see who casts the first
spell. Genie wins the coin toss and drunkenly closes her eyes, folds her
arms, and nods her head. Boink! Master (aka Larry Hagman) suddenly
collapses to the floor - Genie has accidentally made his liver explode.
Samantha (feeling like Mrs. Kravits after a few shots of tequila) wiggles
her nose causing Elvira's clothes to come off. The men immediately leave
the scene to see if they can help Elvira.
Genie and Samantha exchange several more futile rounds of spells that
result in general chaos at NASA and in Mrs. Kravits' kitchen. Genie
decides to end this fight once and for all; she puts all her power into
one massive shake of the head. The few remaining spectators see nothing,
but hear a massive cracking sound. Genie has whiplash! She is unable to
cast anymore spells and is at Smantha's mercy. Samantha casts the deciding
spell by sending Genie, referee Doug Henning, and his front teeth into
Genie's bottle and having land in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The
crowd cheers wildly as they realize that "Bucky" Henning and his stupid
card tricks have finally disappeared. Amid the celebration, Fester is seen
heading to his hotel room with Endora and Witch Hazel to do some
Jeannie may be an airhead, but as a genie she has "phenomenol cosmic
power". Thus Samantha is plainly outclassed. The only things genies
can't do are, make people fall in love, kill people, and raise people
from the dead. So this is how the match shapes up
As we recall, Jeannie makes the first move. Even though her spell is
miscast, it is still backed by her drunken rage enhanced phenomenol
comic power. The world blows up and everyone dies. (Jeannie did not
actually directly kill anyone) Even Jeannie is dead, having caused her
master's death, the council of the genies wastes her for betraying their
trust. Plus, she gave genies a bad name.
- The Yellow Fish
I could see it now: Jeannie and Samantha gearing up for
the greatest magic war ever...rivaling anything in MOM.
But as they get ready they both pass out and fall on the
floor as lifeless comatose babes. What better oppurtunity
but now for Jeannie's evil dark-haired sister to steal the
studly astronaut. Jeannie's sister is about to make her
move when out of nowhere Samantha's dark haired cousin
appears. In her drug induced hippe state, she mistakingly
thinks the Major's uniform is laced with LSD and goes after
him. Now the real fireworks begin as the dark haired
beauties (who, incidentally, look exactly like Barbara
Eden and Elizabeth Montgomery with black wigs) reek their
magical havoc on the world. Herman Munster sees that the
duel is going to get out of hand and realizes only the fair
haired fine honeys can stop their nefarious raven haired
relatives. He quickly sends the Thing to slap Jeannie and
Samantha awake. Jeannie and Samantha come to their senses
and pool their mana together to rid their dark haired
counterparts. The beauteous brunettes put up a fight but
are quickly banished, as they were many times before. All
is forgiven in the wake of the destruction, and Jeannie
retires to her bottle and Samantha bakes everyone some
- T. P. Derfman
I'm with you on this one. Jeannie LOVED using her genie abilities, Samantha
was a wimp who shunned her witch side because her even more wimpy husband
didn't like it. Jeannie could kick her ass anyday. She was a real woman,
strong, knew what she wanted and got it with a nod of the head. No husband
of hers could make her give up the power she had over him.
I've actually thought a lot about this. I think Jeannie was a feminist.
Even though she pretended she had a master, the truth of the matter is she
was the one with all the power, not him. She made her own decisions, whether
or not he liked them. She was just appeasing him by calling him master,
giving herself even more power by making him think he had some.
This is clearly a contest of control and I think Sam has the
edge here. While Jeannie is clearly the more desireable BABE,
Sam has the better brain and intelligence will prevail.Jeannie
will probably be tricked into a tupperware container and kept
fresh well into the next millenia.
The only glitch in this logic is that Sam ended up with Darin.
What a LOSER! Tony wasn't much better but at least he was an
astronaut. What was wrong with these guys?!!
My hope is that these beauties will knock some sense into each
other and dump these boneheads.Then maybe Samantha and Jeannie
could become good friends and co-star in a sequel. In today's
TV climate, Jeannie could at least show her navel.
The original match was a no-brainer - Samantha has about as much trouble kicking Jeanies ass as Warren Moon
does his wife... The aftermath is a bit more interesting, tho - and could spawn a dozen other grudge
Major Nelson and Darrin immediately start going at it after the Major watches Jeanie get turned into a
urinal mint. Darrin goes down in a single sucker punch to the head, and has some white stuff coming out of
his nose (Honest!). Anyway, this brings Larry Tate into the fray, who, as you know, could drink Mickey
Mantle under the table, and kicks the Major in the Jimmie, thus putting him out of commission. You would
think this would be enough - not even close! The Majors buddy/shadow steps in, only he's gone into his
pilot character from Newhart. Larry doesn't go down after several body blows, but notices his martini is
empty, and leaves. This is where it starts to get ugly - Endora staggers through the cloud, and after
turning Darrins corpse into Ed Asner, puts a love spell on whatshisname and Lurch. 'nuff said. Fester, who
for years has been Lurch's closet love interest, gets pissed and sicks Thing on Endora. Thing uses his
only talent to sexually arouse Endora. Endora, as we all know, doesn't get it but every 3 centuries or so,
and has a simultaneous orgasm and coronary. Thing dies of disgust.
This leaves two people in the room - Fester, who was the only one smart enough to stay out of the fight, and
Mrs. Cravitz, who followed Darrin and Sam to spy on them. Ms. Cravitz was hiding behind curtains and safely
out of sight for most of the fight, but has come out to try to resuscitate Thing. Festor gets one good look
at her, and the rest is history...
Ok folks, here it is...Jeannie wasn't stupid enough to be fooled when her
husband was replaced!! Thats right...the old Dick York - Dick Sergant
switch off! Samantha never figured it out!! For cryin outloud, the
woman's husban changes overnight and she doesnt even BLINK!! (sorry, thats
jeannie's thing aint it?) Jeannie may be a bit scatterbrained (the whole
Gobi/elephant thing is true), but at least if she goes into the bottle and
J.R Ewing's her master (hey, he made more money offa that show!) and when
she comes out it's Lee Majors (he played and airforce officer/Astronaut
too!!) she's gonna notice! Of course she'd probably try to get J.R back
and wind up with Gomer Pyle (or an elephant). Samantha doesn't stand a
chance! Add to that the inebreation and she wont even know which person
IS Jeannie! She'd keep turning and twitching her nose...randomly casting
spell after spell on bystanders, while Jeannie crosses her arms....blinks
and yes transports Samantha away...who really cares where..point is she
aint there to finish the fight...Jeannie by TKO!!!!
Well Boys I have to put the deceiding factor in this match down
to intelligence. Lets face it Jeannie has none. Jeannie will
at first forget her supernatural powers and attempt a physical
attack. Samantha will see this as some sicko lesbian come-on
and with a mere wiggle of her nose transport Jeannie on to the
stage forcing her to do a solo caberet act, which she dresses
like anyhow. Some how unlike Samantha, Jeannie missed out on
the womens liberation movement of 70's and is unable to do any-
thing with out her master. But he'll be so sick of her ruining
everything in his life hell be happy to get rid of her and be
rooting for Sam. Jeannie in a fit of self pity and embarrassment
will finally get a bit of her own spirit and take to her master.
She'll conjure up an Arabian heavy to go ballastic on him with
the commando flea circus. Samantha seeing what a repressed Femme
Jeannie was well forget their differences and join her sister
against the suppressive patriarchal dominance Jeannie has had to
face. Together they force pains upon the stupid astronaut that
Lorena Bobbit couldn't have thought up, striking another blow
against the patriarchy and one up for Feminism!!!!
I can't really think about this one scientifically.
I am overcome by the BABE factor. I vote for Jeannie.
I guess its true what they say; all men are dogs.
As no less an authority than the Pat Robertson has stated that all witches
are in league with Satan, I would prepare to see a side of Samantha that
only comes to the surface after a few Zimas. Samantha (Zamantha?) would
quickly summon the minions of the Inferno and watch with demented glee as
Jeanie was quickly eviscerated and eaten. Blink your way outta THAT, you
navel-flaunting, hankie-wearing trollop!
My bet's on Samantha because I hope Dr. Bombay is next.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Bionic Woman v. Wonder Woman
Martha Stewart v. Kathie Lee Gifford
Regan MacNeil v. Carrie White
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