World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis


The Setting


"The Nazis are at it again. This time they're combing Jerusalem in search of the Egg of Turin, a Faberge Egg made by John the Baptist. We need you to go in and get it before they do."

"The Egg of Turin? Isn't that kind of a silly artifact to chase after?"

"Well, dammit, Indy, that's what you get for finding all the good ones! And, besides, it isn't totally silly. This Egg is not only cholesterol-free, but it gives it's owner the power to also be cholesterol-free, and, thus, to live forever. This is a power Hitler cannot have."

"I'll take the first red line to Jerusalem."

"Oh, and, Indy. The Nazis have joined forces with someone else; someone also bent on world domination. That's gotten the Brits involved. This Egg is too powerful, Indy, for even our allies to get ahold of."

Superfriends narrator voice: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in London, England

"Blofeld's at it again, Double-O 7. He's teamed up with the Nazis in search of another one of those blasted eggs. If they get a hold of it, it could mean the end of the free world. Talk to Q and get what you need. Miss Moneypenny will give you the password for your contact in Syria right after she flirts with you. Oh, and the Americans are sending in one of their best men. This is a power that Her Majesty's government, and hers alone, must have, is that clear? Don't blunder your mission this time, Double-O 7."

So, Steve, which hero tracks down the Biblical Super Egg first?

Please note: This match involves Sean Connery as James Bond. Any mention of any of those other Bond-wannabes will result in a severe flogging.

James Bond, Sean Connery Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford

James Bond

vs.

Indiana Jones


The Commentary


STEVE: I gotta go with Bond on this one. First of all, Bond has his gadgets. Q branch comes through with the goodies that always seem to help 007 at the most appropriate moments. They always catch the bad guys by surprise and save the day. All Indy has is his whip and revolver. The Nazis are wise to this from two previous movies and will be ready & waiting for him. Such trifling weapons are, of course, insignificant to Blofeld, who regularly works with much more sophisticated weapons like poison gases and high powered lasers. Meanwhile, Bond will easily grab the Egg by killing the guards with his explosive cigarettes, and then deftly escape in his mini-hovercraft.

Another important factor is, of course, that Sean Connery (aka James Bond) is also Indy's father. With Jones Sr.'s superior archeology experience and biblical knowledge combined with the James Bond class, there is no chance that Indy will escape with the egg. And if somehow Indy does get his hands on the Egg, Belloq is likely to come and snatch it away from him anyhow.

While Dirty Harry may have won the "cool" contest, no one can top James Bond in the "class" contest. Bond will obtain the Egg after a typical classy evening: He will begin with some cocktails, and then play some Baccarat (dressed in a Tux, of course), which will win him the notice of a buxom young woman with a slutty name. They'll go back to his hotel room, and after a couple hours of passion, he'll awake in the Nazi/Blofeld secret base (sleeping drug in the cocktail!). He'll escape the death-trap set by the Nazis, and then recover the Egg as described above. Bond has obtained the Egg after an evening of partying in the traditional Bond style. No real work, just class and savvy. Indy has none of this -- he's all guts & glory wannabe. He'll try to shoot and sneak his way into wherever the Nazis are hiding the Egg, and in the process get the crap beat out of him, as always. He'll likely spend the rest of his life a Nazi prisoner, unless he is fortunate enough to be imprisoned at Stalag 13.

BRIAN: Bond has no shot here, Steve. First of all, with any kind of half-way decent competition, Bond won't be able to get the job done fast enough because he will be too busy: A.) Having sex; B.) Recovering from the bad position having sex put him in; and/or C.) Burying the women he just had sex with. But even more importantly, you have the Nazis involved. And if they're involved, then they're in charge, not Blofeld. That means three things: 1.) The villains will be drinking beer, not wine. Without being able to expose hitmen or evildoers by their ignorance of vino, Bond won't know who is enemies really are. 2.) When Nazis capture bad guys, they usually kill them straight out. They don't devise some ultra-complex and ironic way of killing their prisoners. And they definitely don't decide to divulge their evil plans right before they knock somebody off. With no chance to escape (we all know he's going to be caught sometime), and with no chance to figure out the evil plan, Bond himself will have no chance. 3.) Reality.

That's right: with the Nazi's involved, that means this is the real world, not the Bond-world. Bond must now obey the Laws of Physics (tm), something he hasn't ever had to do before. Suddenly, jumping on that helicopter from the smoking, pilotless plane won't be quite so easy. And he also won't have infinitely sized pockets. I once saw him fortuitously find a safe and then pull a safe-cracking device out of his coat! What does he have under there, a Bat Utility Belt (tm)? Not here, he won't. Without his gadgets and usual MO's, Bond is helpless.

Which leaves Indy. If he's anything but an idiot, he'll win this. And I think his resume speaks for itself: Extensive experience in recovering Biblical artifacts; previous battles with Nazis and several types of hostile natives; excellent with a whip. Indy finds the Egg, loses the Egg, then regains the Egg when the Wrath of God (tm) wipes out another Mediterranean island. (Oh, and if you can use the fact that Bond is actually Indy's father, then I can point out how Indy has Luke, The Force, Leia in a Gold Bikini, etc. Let's not go there.)

STEVE: Your arguments are so riddled with errors that I don't even know where to start. First of all, the Nazis are worse than Batman (tm) villains for leaving the hero for dead after telling them the whole evil plot. Didn't they seal Indy in the the Well of Souls (tm) to die amidst the poisonous asps? Didn't they tie Indy up to witness the opening of the Ark? Didn't they tie him up with his father in the German Castle for "future execution"? I won't even get started with other sources such as Hogan's Heroes or Force Ten from Navarone (with Harrison Ford, nonetheless).

If James Bond is guilty of violating the Laws of Physics (tm), then Indy has to be locked away for life for all his violations. Sure, Bond twists things now and then, but Indy is doing it all the time. Let's see -- jumping out of an airplane and having a rubber raft break your fall, having a runaway mining cart jump from one track to the next, and of course the famous "dragged under the moving truck, holding on with a whip, all while bleeding from a gunshot wound in the shoulder". Gimme a break!

Your last paragraph makes me laugh. How many biblical artifacts has he actually recovered? Zero! The government (urged on by a Vatican conspiracy probably) stole the Ark away from him. And of course he couldn't remove the Holy Grail without destroying all those neat traps that took millions of special effect dollars to create. Indy actually has nothing to his credit at all. Bond, on the other hand, always goes the distance. He always stops the nuclear bomb from going off (at least three times if I'm not mistaken), recovers the encryption device, and always defeats Blofeld and his evil plans, and usually a whole gang of thugs and maybe even the Russians. Compared to this, recovering an Egg from the Nazis is simplicity itself.

BRIAN: A-ha! If recovering the Egg from the Nazis was the goal, Bond would have a chance. But the real goal is to find the Egg before the Nazis do. And that is where Indy's archaeological expertise will blow Bond away.

And I, in turn, laugh at your middle paragraph. The idea that Indy defies the Laws of Physics (tm) worse than Bond! First of all, most of the examples you give are from The Temple of Doom which is not only the armpit of the trilogy but is also noticeably Nazi-free. With made up baddies and mystic forces, physics could be suspended. So all that leaves you with is your unsubstantiated ridicule of one of the finest stunts in cinematic history. Seems to me there really was someone under that truck; it wasn't creative editing. And remember how beat up Indy was afterwards? That's real, Steve. Now, if Bond had tried something like that in one of his movies, he would have easily performed the maneuver, dusted off his wrinkle-free Armani (tm), proceeded to boink the woman driver that had just tried to kill him, and then stopped the truck. If he tries that in this realistic scenario, he'll end up like so much limey roadkill.

And don't even get me started on your analysis of the participants resumes! All Bond has ever done is out-thunk a few villains with the collective IQ of one Scooby-Doo villain. Indy, however, has retrieved artifacts. He did recover the Ark, after all. Sure, it's not in his den, but at least Hitler didn't get a hold of it. And maybe the Grail isn't in his cupboard, but I didn't see anyone else smart enough to find it (and that includes John Cleese). After Indy finds the Egg and brings it back to the states, it is deemed too dangerous for all involved. It's placed in an unmarked egg carton and buried deep inside a huge Winn Dixie (tm) warehouse outside Hoboken.


Thanks to Marc Caron, Paul Golba at the Township of West Orange, Alex Obaza & Paul Gilbert,
and King Paul I Korman for suggesting this match-up.


The Results


Indiana Jones (1322)

defeats

James Bond (779)


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Voter Comments


Just for the record, folks, Indiana is not immortal. True, he did drink from The Grail (tm), but once beyond the Great Seal (tm) the power is lost. "The price of immortality."

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

Despite their incredible skills, mental ability, charisma, internal fortitude and unbelievable luck, it is clear that both Mr. Bond and Mr. Jones should be long dead by now. Time and time again, they escape the hopeless trap and achieve the absurd with nothing more than can be described as Divine Intervention (tm). Yes, God is the only explanation for their fantastic success. So clearly, the new owner of immortality will be the one that can best use it for the betterment of mankind. The candidates:

1. The Nazis - NO! Well, DUH! Anyway, anyone stupid enough to fight a war on two fronts AND attack Russia in winter AND trust on Italy as a valued military ally has no chance. Blofeld would probably put them out of their misery himself by sending them to find the Beer Keg of Turin in the middle of the Arabian desert and then ironically wipe them out with nerve gas.

2. Blofeld - No! Any man who was willing to expose billions to World War III and nuclear winter for millions in gold that would be utterly useless in a post-apocalyptic world is too evil and too clueless for immortality. In addition, if he ruled the world, everyone would have to own cats and God would have to deal with the smell and all the kitty litter for all of eternity. After Bond shoots him dead, God *ZOTS* him a couple of times to make sure.

3. James Bond - No. Agent 007 has sex with almost every beautiful woman he comes into contact with. True, this does lead to more people screaming "OH GOD!" to the heavens but consider the consequences. With immortality, he has the time to mate with EVERY female. Within generations, every human will have Bond as an ancestor, leading to redneck level inbreeding. Just consider billions of Forrest Gumps wearing red with pink polka dot tuxedos playing high stakes games of Old Maid, drinking Budweiser Martinis and bedding down the Fabulous Moolah in a roadside motel in Monaco. EEK! Bond is conveniently trapped in a cave-in with three female companions to work out his version of the "Middle East Peace Process".

4. Indiana Jones - Yes! The only person left, he is too smart to let the egg fall into the wrong hands and too humble to use it for world domination. And I'm sure God would appreciate the irony of the Nazis, a Nazi wannabe and a WASP playboy being defeated by a couple of Jews - Steven Speilberg and Harrison Ford (one quarter Jewish).

- Paul Golba


ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

I have to go with Indy on this one because while Bond has more class and funky gadgets he is also the horniest man that ever lived. This is how things will go.

Indy lands in Jerusalem meets a showgirl and a young chinese kid, roams around and gets captured by the Nazis. Bond arrives in Jerusalem via Wondercar (tm) and instantly starts to search for something with two (or four) legs to screw. The Nazi's, following the trail of panting, half clothed women, soon catch him and put him in the same room as Indy and Co.

Bond, using his Thermonuclear Selfexploding Nazi/Blofield bashing Grelbin device (tm), secretly disgused as a nipple ring, kills all the bad guys. This leaves as the only course of action a knockout fist fight to the death. But just as Bond and Indy start circling, Bond gets a look at Indy's Showgirl companion and walks over. He pulls out a cigarette and suavely flicks his lighter. Too late he remembers that the lighter is actually a Highly Explosive Mini-sized nail polishing Thingamajigger (tm) and gets blown to kingdom come. With no competition left, Indy finds the egg in no time flat.

- Timur


ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Have to go with Indy here. Not only is he 2 for 2 against the Nazis, but he speaks every language known to man. I've never heard 007 respond to German, or any Hebrew or Arabic for that matter (even though Indy's encounters with Nazis spitting out Deutsch usually leads to a sucker-punch rather than a response). Better hope Bond has a translator, or by the time he knows which nazi has the slutty name Jones will be long gone across some continent stowed away in some submarine or derigible with the egg consealed by 50 friendly arabics led by the professor from Sliders.

Also, knowing his enemy's weaknesses of women and drinking, Indy, after a long, expensive, choreographed bar fight scene, would have enlisted the help of Marion. To buy time for Indy, Marion will distract Bond by being tied to a bed with Indy's whip. When Bond discovers Marion he engages in a long, evenly-matched drinking challenge until he collapses from kidney failure and the pain of living with over 50 known sexually transmitted diseases. Indy gets the egg, and Bond lives the rest of his live bedridden on dialysis, every day boinking a new nurse.

- Al



Come on...it's the Brit pansy vs. good ole American ruggedness...sure Bond gets a lot of women, but let's not forget that Indy has a pretty impressive track record of his own...AND he's ENDED the movie with these women 2 out of three times...not bad...gives Indy a .667 Save%...I'm sure that's way above ole James's. The Brits can't beat the US of A at anything. Since we kicked their tails in the War for Independence, it's been all Stars and Stripes. USA!! USA!! USA!! Oh...and another thing...Indy's got some pretty good style too when he wants to. Don't forget his white tux. AND his fedora almost never comes off. Indy EASILY.

- Al F.


One fact that you've overlooked is that Bond has been in the business much longer than Indy. Bond has had too many movies, too many images, too many faces to have anything fresh to contribute. Meanwhile, Indy has but three movies since the early '80s. He still has yet to fight aliens, the U.S. government, Satan, whatever.

Bond is running out of material. A sample:

CHIEF GUY: 007, take a look at what the boys in the back room have cooked up for you on this mission.
Q: Notice, Bond, this simple pen-like device. Under normal circumstances it would be considered a normal BIC ballpoint, correct?
BOND: Yes, but actually, it's a high power nuclear laser pen, right?
Q (noticeably embarassed): Well, no, we've done that...
BOND: A light saber?
Q: No...
BOND: Ooh, ooh, it's a really sharp sword!
Q: Actually...
BOND: What the hell is it, then?
Q: If you unscrew this end, bite off this end, and somehow manage to get ahold of some chewed up paper, you might annoy some Nazis.
BOND: Oh, bloody hell.

Bond proceeds to doink Q for lack of anything else to screw, inflate his used condom and float harmlessly out the window.

Indy, however, doesn't need new material. He didn't make the mistake of introducing new gadgets every movie. Indy has what he needs: a whip and a gun. It's simplicity in itself. Unlike Bond, Indy is no good sumeritan. As Bond reaches the ground outside of HQ, Indy whips the shit out of his champagne chuggin' ass and... dumps him in the well of lost souls? Locks him in a broom closet? Gives him a noogie and ties him to a chair? No! Indy is a no-nonsense type of good guy. Indy caps his ass right there on the street, free to recapture the egg, Indy-style.

- Jason


I can't really decide which factor is more overriding: paternal instinct or wannabe interference.

First consider this: When these two first see each other (and they will, eventually), there is only one thing that can happen:

Indy (stops and stares at Bond, dumbfounded): Dad?
Bond: What are you talking about?!
Indy: Bond... I am your son!
Bond (in shock, having never thought any of his affairs would ever catch up to him): No... This can't be true... IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
Indy (excited): You've finally joined me! C'mon, we can bring the Egg back together! It's our destiny!
Bond: (throws himself out castle window)

On the other hand, it may not even get to this point (I know I'm asking for a flogging, but bear with me). What with all the other Bonds running around trying to grab some glory, the true Bond will be hamstrung. Timothy Dalton will be snarling and blowing up everything in sight, while Roger Moore will be constantly underfoot, muttering about the "good ol' days" and hobbling around with his cane. Woody Allen (yes, Woody Allen) will just be plain annoying everyone. Only Pierce Brosnan will get even close, but his mysterious past will catch up to him. This is assuming that the original Bond even gets over the whole "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" issue...

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa


What's the over/under on the number of responses saying that the "sacred Egg" is, in fact, the immortal Holy Hand-Grenade of Antioch?

- Charles

Surprisingly enough, if it was any higher than one, under wins.


Not using outside influences, it's evident that Indy's the only one who could find the egg before the Nazis, since Bond couldn't find his way out of a corrugated cardboard box without directions from M5...

The sad fact is, Bond, that the Nazis put someone unexpected in charge of finding and guarding the egg: Ilsa, Aryan superbabe, queen of Nazi soldiers, and Indy's former flame.

While Bond beds the girl, Indy takes the Egg of Turin out of the hands of Nazikind, has fun dragging behind a hovercraft (if I'm not mistaken, the only vehicle he hasn't used), taking on Palestinians and Israelis in the nation's capital, and shopping for a faberge egg stand at exotic bazaars...

- Vlad, Canada's favorite Wonder Hamster


Let's get real, kids -- Bond is only as good as his gadgets, whereas Indy has a gun, a whip and his wits. From adventure to adventure, Bond had rocket-powered Porsches and exploding pens and cigarettes as part of an ever-expanding array of gadgets and gizmos. Indy had the same gun (actually went without it in "Temple"), whip and -- this is an important part -- hat through every adventure. More importantly, Indy respected his various implements, even risking getting crushed by a stone wall for his hat in the opening sequence of "Raiders." Respect for one's possessions and the ability to make do with the hand youre dealt are two integral traits that Indy has -- and Bond doesn't. Besides, I think Indy always had a little more going on upstairs, because he always seemed to be dressed appropriately in his khakis, workshirt and leather jacket, while Bond was always running through the Amazon or the Sahara in a full tuxedo. It's a Boy Scout thing, you know? Last time I checked, Mr. Bond, there was no merit badge for "Proper Evening Wear."

- The X-Man


Bond, for one reason only. The gadgets. True, Indy may be the man with the whip, but a piece of leather on a handle can only go so far, when you're up against a guy who has top-secret parliament intelligence working seemingly without sleep in order to create more and more totally unrealistic while at the same time completely functional gizmos for Bond to use. (But Indy does have the Rage factor on his side though, his inner hate of Nazis and other Europeans shows through in this match)

- Wombat Boy


Eggs without cholesterol(TM) is like the Superfriends minus everyone but the Wonder Twins. Let them have it, or get someone to eat it, either way get rid of it.

On to the real question: who gets the girl at the end of the film? There's no question about during: during it's more a question of frequency than anything else. I'm talking when 007 is reminiscing his daring rescue of the Egg from the secret Andean chateau/bowling alley over a little bubbly in his satin lined hover-sub with the aforementioned suggestively-named "Bond girl", that's when the submarine carrying Dr. Marcus, Sallah, Q, M, Felix Leiter, and a few thousand Marines suddenly surfaces from under the hover-sub and demands an update on the situation. Thus we find 007 maintaining his detached cool all the way to his next assignment. Meanwhile the insufferable Indiana Jones, after falling from the deck of Bond's hover-sub into the open sea during their escape from the exploding secret base, will somehow hitch a ride on the submarine back to Washington, where we watch him strolling down the Capitol steps after his debriefing, to be joined by his strong female lead turned "damsel in distress"...

- Dave C.


I would have to go with James Bond. Granted that this is a good and even match-up, but Bond always remains cool, sometimes bored, and pretty much uninterested in the whole plot business of every one of his movies (well he always manages to get laid at least three times per movie, doesn't he?) so this indicates that he's much more capable than we've seen in these movies. Imagine what he'd be like with an opponent that actually gives him a challenge. Also, Sean Connery is a better actor than Harrison Ford. Also, I agree that Bond has an advantage in all the gadgets that he has. My brither harshly disagrees with me now and is hitting me with various objects so I'd bettermkfbtrykl']\m end this letter or comment or whatever it is (he's now corecting me too)(He said I just mispelled corecting and I'm rebelling by refusing to notice). Anyway, ... This is Stu's brother, Harrison Ford rules supreme! Hahahahahaha! ... This is Stu again, and everything you just read is a result of a series of delusions tncvhk... It's not true, I am perfectly normal, it's the rest of the world that's insane! Hahahahahaha! vghjkdfygi.;... This is Stu again and I jhgf This is Stu and I suck! Hahahahahaha!byugi857-...That was him agnkl;bhjk... no, it wasn't! Hahahahaha!v mgkre;...He seems to be having great fun with the keyboard. This is probably not going to get printed, but I would just like to make it clear that THIS IS A VOTE FOR BOND! vbhjfty. nnnnoooooo fffffffoooooorrrrkkkkkk yyyyyyyyyooooooouuuuuuu mmmmmmaaaaaannnnnnnn! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

- Stu (NOT DAVE)!


...and that leads us to motivation, aside from the aforementioned showing up his father, Indiana is an American, that means he is motivated by capitalism, the desire for fame, fortune, glory, and women. Bond is a Brit, that means he is motivated by social democracy, a stagnant lifeless form of government not known for encouraging individual initative. Yes, Bond will feel a sense of duty to the Crown, and yes he will want sex (although as has been mentioned he will get that whether he wins or not) But none of those things will overcome Indiana's killer instinct and desire to win. Fortune and glory will overcome duty.

- Brendan W. Guy


In deciding this matchup, you have to consider many things. After the following comparison, I think you'll agree that Indy is the only reasonable choice:
Weapons
Indy
An old revolver he sometimes loses when he most needs it, a whip he's been using for years, his dad's umbrella, and a borrowed Nazi rocket launcher. I don't know about you, but I'd sure hate to run into him in a dark alley with all that stuff.
Bond
A Walther PPK (lady's gun) which I'm sure he keeps nicely cleaned and oiled. Hundreds of Just-In-Time® gadgets which Q gives him, and nuclear bombs (you don't think he turned them ALL back in to the government after his missions do you? How naive you are.). Hardly a match for Indy...Well, okay, Bond's got that one.
Advantage: Bond

Villains Defeated
Indy
A Nazi who picks up a burning piece of metal, a Nazi who drinks before testing the water, and a Frenchman. Pretty bad dudes, I'd say.
Bond
A lot of really rich guys bent on world domination who would have achieved it if not for Bond. Some of these guys knew how to consruct world destroying gadgets. Well, okay, Bond gets this one too.
Advantage: Bond

Charisma/Charm
Indy
Resumes a relationship with a woman he left as a young girl. Almost kisses a starlet. Dates a Nazi chick at the same time as his dad. What a hound!!!
Bond
Okay, Bond gets this one too.
Advantage: Bond

Cars
Indy
That 30s thing the kid drove in "Doom" was pretty cool.
Bond
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Advantage: Bond

Well, okay, so my analysis didn't work out like I expected. But come on, Bond's a Brit. We kicked their butts in two wars and saved their butts in two others! Indy's boyish good looks and Yankee know-how will get him through!

INDY BY A MILE!!!!

- Dave "Vern" R.


James Bond.

Even though James Bond is probably a Nazi Sympathizer --- after all, he got his hands on the shipment of Nazi Gold that "dissapeared" during WWII in Goldfinger, (where *was* he during WWII? Obviously, a pro-Facist) --- Indy suffers from some clear disadvantages.

First, he's in a Steven Spielberg movie. That means that he probably can't hear a thing with those deafening soundtracks and his every move is scripted by a heavy-handed director. Second, In Indy Jones: The Last Crusade, we learn that James Bond is actually Indy's father, and we see him repeatedly outclass, outexplore, and outscore his son. Not a good sign, "Juniour". Third, James Bond is *already* immortal. M dies, everyone else gets old, but Bond gets younger in each movie(*). Obviously, Indy is out of his league.

(*) Okay, so it's kind of cheating. But someone has to pay for "Mosquito Coast".(**)

(**) Yeah, someone has to pay for Zardoz and Highlander II, too, but this isn't the time.

- Joe Valenzuela


Indy's going to pull this one off - here's why:

1) Bond has never had to actually SEARCH for an object - usually he just finds whoever has it and takes it. Well, in these kind of capers (archeological hunts), the prize has to be found. That involves digging around through dirty places with nasty beasties all around. Bond would not dare sacrifice his "cool" and get dirty, especially since it would mess up his hair.

2) Bond doesn't GET those gadgets - Indy's time frame is the 1930's, and technology won't support laser-pens and submarine-cards. Even Q isn't that good! Besides, Indy's the pro at avoiding complex traps.

3) God likes Indy - He's drunk from the Holy Grail!!! We don't know how God feels aboud Bond...

4) Bond's ability with women won't help much. The Women in the Indy movies have always been more a hindrance than a help! Let Bond waste his time with Willie - see if she'd put her hands in a cockroach nest for HIM!

- The Bunyip


Indy gets the egg and Bond melts after trying to score with one of the angels from the Ark of the Covenant.

- jacen


If the match involves Nazis, then it must be set in the late 30s-early 40s. At this time, London was being ravaged by "the Blitz", which would make it hard for James Bond to even get to work without being hit by shrapnel, much less get on a plane to Jerusalem without getting shot down by the Luftwaffe. Dr. Jones is from America, a country which was only bombed ONCE in the entire war, and that was in Hawaii, which was not even a state at the time. Plus, James Bond has no experience with Nazis, only with Cold War Russian guys. At the time of this match, the Russians were on the same side as the English, which will confuse Bond so much that he won't know who the bad guys are. Finally, we have documented proof that during the Nazi era, Sean Connery was a bumbling old professor-type for whom being shot at was a new and unfamiliar experience. ('Course, he still had the James Bond quality of sleeping with enemy agents, but that won't help him here.) All of this quite clearly shows that Dr. Indiana Jones will once again triumph and gain eternal life. Look for his next movie in theatres soon: INDIANA JONES AND THE CALL OF CTHULHU (Don't I wish!)

- Falc0 (der Mann mit dem Wiener Blut)


Here's the course of events. Bond infiltrates Spectre's current lair (under the Acropolis, of course). He uses the polaroid of The Map, stolen from that brat who helped him kill the Minotaur (Time Bandits reference), to find the time portal that Blofeld used to go back to 1938 and jumps through. Bond comes out the other end and meets up with Indy. And his father. In the ensuing battle, Dr. Jones senior bumps into Bond and they cancel eachother out, a la TimeCop.

With no further competition, and no familial baggage, Indy takes the egg easily.

- Eric Grimm


While you mentioned Bond's cravings for wine but failed to mention Indys superior tolerance, why he was drunk most of the time and still managed to maintain his grip on the nazi sub. (commence flogging) Another major point is that there is only one Indiana Jones and 5 Bonds, while I agree Mr. Connerey is the one true bond there were others and they do make up more than half of the films so there will only be 45% of James Bond while there is 100% of Indiana Jones. (end flogging) That said I must mention that while Dr. Jones will get the egg, Mr. Bond will get the girl.

- Tony Jaramillo, Jr.


Indiana Jones will reach the egg first simply because no one has ever beaten him. Bond, however, was beaten once. Homer Simpson tackled him in an episode of 'The Simpsons'. Bond was then shot dead.

- Jester How Ujest


I can't believe this is even up for debate! Bond in a Cake-Walk(tm). Any possible comparison between the two favors Bond.

Clothing: Armani vs. Banana Republic....point, Bond.
Gadgets: exploding pens, Astin Martin w/machine guns, vs....a whip. point, Bond.
Funny One-Liners: "Do you expect me to talk" and "Shocking" vs. "Dad, we're well out of range"...point, Bond. (Father knows best)
Villains: Goldfinger, Blofeld vs....the Nazis (how passe!) Please. Point, Bond.
Women: Slutty tramps who are more trouble than they're worth vs.... oh, alright, so they're even on this one.

And finally, the most damning piece of evidence...Bond must master a variety of skills in order to successfully carry out his missions; a true Renaissance man. Jones? What kind of ancient or medieval archaeologist doesn't know that in Latin, Jehovah(TM) begins with an "I"??!? Once again, father knows best. I rest my case.

- Justin, hannibal@udel.edu


Besides beating the crap out of Argentina, when was the last time the British defeated _anybody_, let alone the Nazis, without American help?

- StPatrick


Bond triumphs, and finishes the scenario by hanggliding back to Britain while giving his latest female friend sultry Italian triple agent Ima Goodlay a seeing to.

- CM


First thing to point out: we're Brits (tm).
Next we'd like to say that this is directly in Bond's line of work as he has already captured a Faberge (tm) egg (see Octopussy(tm)). We have nothing against Indy, nor his skills as an Antique Collector(tm) but Bond possesses skills that far outweigh the job in hand, making this a simple Walk In The Park(tm). Indy also has this habit of saving himself (close family also included - oh yes, and the obligatory female) to the loss of the Nazis wheras Bond is far more used to the pressure of saving the entire world. Another interesting fact to point out is that Blofeld is dead. Is there yet another Blofeld? Have the Nazis received the grant for human cloning that one of our fine Universities was refused? And if THE Blofeld is involved, the Nazis will definately NOT be running him - Blofeld is the kind of man who needs to be in charge. Surely a baddy of such stature could easily buy the Nazis making them an army of his own and not the political screw up that Indy's used to facing.

And lets look at both of their respective backup:
Bond - British secret service including Q(tm), M(tm), all the other 00-somethings etc., and of course your very own US Agent Felix Leiter(tm)
Indy - Tends to be backed up by a bunch of school teachers, a fat Arab and a 12 year old chinese kid.

Final point: Another Country Vs. Country issue - We've already beaten the Nazis once (see World War II (tm)) so we're practiced at whipping their butts. Gotta give this to Bond.

Long live the British Secret Service (tm).

- Matt (0096) and Pete (0085) - British Secret Service, London


What it really all comes down to in the end, gentlemen, is fear. We all know that each of the Jones movies deal with the ingrained fears of our principle character. Snakes are used, to the point of gratuity, as a device of conflict, nail biting tension, and even humor. And even more importantly, they give Indy a human tangability, a sense of being a real person. "Gee, if I had grown up in the desert with a father obsessed with an over-glorified wine chalis, I too could have been Indiana Jones."

In striking contrast, the 007 movies present a character who seems to be totally devoid of human phobias: heights, piranas, spiders, STD's... Bond shows no sign of weakness and is presented as some sort of demi-god, only answering to her majesty.

But the reality is that the Bond movies are in fact testaments to the one fear that really rules the life of James Bond: his past. It is only from intense fear of ones past that would drive a man to give up family, security, and home for a life of endless perils with no recognition. Only some catastrophic trama in James' past could have created a man so deviod of human emotion and normal social desires. And our biggest clue as to what past perdicament he could be so tramatised by comes with his endless excapades with dangerous, if not lethal, women. This compulsive behavior can only point to a serious maternal complex. James Bond never enjoyed the mother son relationship that is so vital in every young boys adolescence and he is forever trying to make up for that void. What ever catastrophic event occured involving his mother has forever scarred the man that is James Bond.

It is this deep rooted scar that will keep James' from geting the prise in this episode. For it is the egg itself that has decided the outcome. Is the egg not the purest representation of the potential that is childhood and the pure event that childhood should be? Is not the egg the symbol of the mother child relationship and the delecate bond that is inherent with that relationship? Presented with such an overpowering symbol of his inadiquacies, Bond will break and Jones will come away with the prize.

- The armchair Therapist of the Fictional Stars


I just wanted to let you guys know that I refuse to vote on this one. Indiana Jones and James Bond are two supreme forces of goodness, and they're both real cool to boot. As such, I don't think that they should ever be made to fight. Is the next grudge match going to be Luke vs. Obi? Mother Theresa vs. Ghandi? I think you see my point.

- Will at Tech


The setting: an ancient cave with a stone altar housing a shimmering Faberge Egg. Three nazis hold Indiana Jones and James Bond at gunpoint. Belloq lies dead on the ground courtesy of a Ruger pistol.

Nazi Leader Guy: "Vell, gentlemen! Ve are vaiting! Retrieve ze egg, and be snappy about it or ve shoot you too!"
Bond: "Surely you don't think *I've* any idea of how to get it! The damned thingsh probably full of trapsh! Let the American Hero get it."
Indy: "Traps?! Ya think? What a brilliant observation! I guess that's what passes for smarts in a country that's getting whipped by the Nazis. Limeys...."
Nazi: "Stop zis incessant bickering or I shoot you both! Herr Bond! You vill enter ze chamber first."
Bond: "Blasht."
Bond steps slowly into the room containing the Egg. A gigantic sawblade rushes at his head. Deftly dodging the blade, he jumps into the path of a falling boulder. Quickly swerving to avoid being crushed, he steps on a loose stone in the floor. Leaping away from the bottomless pit that has just opened, he grabs onto a statue on the wall......

Seven minutes and eighteen traps later, Bond has succesfully navigated the trap room, and remains in tip-top classy condition. He picks up the Faberge egg, as it begins to glow in the dim room, the Nazis become transfixed..... Indy quickly shoots them all, whips the egg out of Bond's hand, and then throws Shorty(TM) at him, knocking Bond into the bottomless pit. Indy walks off into the sunset with one of Bond's slutty bimbos on his arm, and we all know she will be gone (with no explanation given) in the next film. THE END

- John


The Nazis win. That's not because they're any good, hell, in just about every film appearance known to man, the Nazis suck, suck, suck. We're suprised they can even dress themselves. Colonel Klink shows us every weekday at 4 or 5 in the morning just how bad these guys are. Which, unfortunately, shows a lot of how good the French military in 1940 was, too, but we won't go there. Potential future matchup: the Polish military in 1939 vs. 1000 enraged German wiener dogs in tanks. Keep in mind, that's got to be worth at least 10,000 Nazis. Anyways.

We have 2 factors. Bond can't search for eggs, but has a worldwide network to find people. Indy can search for eggs, but can't tell when he's about to get blindsided by Nazis worth beans. And, if Nazis surprise him, 007 will have him for lunch. Bond's best-case strategy then is to follow Indy, let him get the egg, and kill Indy. However, Bond couldn't tell a brown medium grade-A from a relic if he tried (watch how fast Pa would have died getting the Holy Grail. Time to obey the laws of physics). Indy gets an egg-shaped clue, Bond thinks it's the egg, and kills Indy with some surperflous techie thing, even though he didn't have to.

Now, James has to do some archaeology. If we are indeed working on the Mutual Reality Factor (TM), as implied in our commentary, then James would be as well digging where he stands than anywhere else. This doesn't even begin to take into account all the time he'll waste having sex with half a continent. Therefore, the Nazis will win by default. Therefore, my pick, is Nazis in 5 years from the start of the matchup. Depressing, but, true. The wiener dogs probably get the egg from the Nazis, but that's another fight.

- Chris Zuschlag


One of the reasons that Indy will get the egg first has already been mentioned. Instead of screwing around for days he'll just get the egg and get out of there. Both he Bond would have to foil the Nazis to get the egg and escape with it, but Indy will be done foiling them while Bond is bedding down with some female Nazi spy/assasin. Then of course due to his prior archeological fieldwork Indy already has contacts around the world particularly in the Middle East. Also note that these contacts are personal friends who won't betray him, ulike Bond's contacts who are actually double agents for the Nazis/ Communists/SMERSH/and/or other evil villains. Also Bond was in the regular armed forces (Army and then SAS I think) during WWII, he didn't become a spy until the fifties or sixties, Indy on the other hand started battling the Nazis in the late 30's so he would naturally have an edge in experince over someone who had just joined up to defend the crown the day before yesterday. As they're not going to find the egg in some casino on the french riviera Bond will stick out like a sore thumb. Indy looks enough like a local worker or low level officer to just walk right by the guards without them noticing. With Bond the guards will be saying "Who's the idiot in a tux trying to crawl through that razor wire?" "Problably a spy or something, should we shoot him now or wait to see if he sets off a mine?" "Lets just shoot him in the legs that way he won't be able to escape but he'll still be able to crawl around and hit one of the land mines."

Meanwhile Indy walks out the front gate dressed as a laborer hauling a crate that appears to contain foodstuffs. Of course the egg is hidden inside. He loads it into a truck and takes of with the supply convoy to the next garrison. The last truck of the convoy dissapears and never reaches the next stop. Bond is tourtured to find out what he did with the egg and a special forces team is sent to rescue him. A few weeks later Prof. Jones returns from a short sabbatical and there's a glass diplay case in one of the Smithsonian's warehouses so dust covered that you can barely make out what looks like a bejeweled oval. Below is an almost illedgible lable reading Faberge Counterfeit circa 1890.

- Eric Schori


First of all, a Faberge Egg has to be made by Karl Faberge, not John the Baptist... which means what our duo are seeking is not a true biblical artifact. This weighs heavily against Indy right from the beginning.

With an epic quest before them, trekking all over the Holy Land in search of a tiny little egg, the endurance of the rivals has to come into it. Indy was in three films before quitting and swearing never to do another one (though he's now signed up for a fourth). James Bond on the other hand survived effortlessly through five films before calling it quits, only to return not once (Diamonds Are Forever) but TWICE (Never Say Never Again). With tenacity like that, he's got to be another step ahead of Indy.

Then there's the BABE(TM) factor. Indy's leads were who? Karen Allen and Alison Doody, the latter of whom he shared with his father for crying out loud! (And just who was that elder Henry Jones, anyway?) Bond, on the other hand, made it with, count them: Ursula Andress, Honor Blackman, Claudine Auger, Mie Hama, Jill St John, Kim Basinger(!), and the luscious Daniela Bianchi...

Finally, since Nazi(TM) is a trademark of TSR(TM) Games, thanks to their Indiana Jones(TM) role-playing game, our heroic duo find that the massed hordes of enemies they'd expected to face are actually impounded as evidence in a breach of copyright suit against WWWF Grudge Match(TM) by TSR(TM). That leaves just Blofeld between our heroes and the prize... and we all know who is best at dealing with him!

James Bond is back in London with the egg, a hot Syrian babe and a vodka martini, while Blofeld calmly slices Indy up with a laser and feeds the bits to the sharks.

- DM.


Indy will win this one hands down. He's got the most important attribute for any WWWF contestant: He's got The RAGE(tm). Indy can take on a whole jungle full of Hovitos with just his whip before Hitler himself could say "whssst whssst." He's been through hell and back, and has the government warehoused wooden crates to prove it. Whenever the going gets tough, Indy calls up his RAGE from witnessing the face-melting wrath of God, to waltzing around in trainloads of snakes, to being named after a damn dog.

Indy also has all the sidekicks. He's got Salla, who can arrange any form of transportation before the next scene starts. He's got Jaques, pilot extrodinaine, who's snake Reggie, would make short work of Felix Leiter. Indy's also got the confusing tactics of Marcus Brody, who could easily get Leiter lost in a nearby museum.

It's as simple as Indy and Short Round slapping on some SS uniforms and sneaking across the MAginot line. Once they're into enemy territory, Shorty distracts Colonel Klink, Indy pulls a fast switcheroo with a bag of sand for the Egg, $1Mil in special effects later, they're carting the egg off into a warehouse in West Virginia.

- Neko


There seems to be little doubt that Indy would be the first to recover the artifact. Indy's problem is that he immediately loses that which he fought so hard to find.

Fortunately, Indy, has something that can overcome this apparent flaw. Despite all of Bond's gadgets, nothing can compare to Indy's magic fedora. Oft forgotten, this hat has powers beyond that of mortal Q. Regardless of the predicament, it will always return. Indy need only strap the Egg in as soon as he finds it, and fly home. When he arrives, through the magic of Fedora Express, the Egg will be there waiting for him.

- Micah Johnson, Indiana Jones WWW Page


Oh, Bond, definitely.

First, one must realize that the object here is not solely to obtain the Egg of Turin, but to prevent the Nazis from doing so. Therefore, if need be, Bond will simply shoot the Egg, destroying it utterly. Indy could never bring himself to destroy an artifact so callously (well, not unless it was in the way of another artifact).

Second, and more important, Bond has access to the technological resources of the omnipotent Q. Brian's remark that Bond breaks the laws of physics, while true, misses the point. Bond's ability to ignore and/or alter the laws of physics will turn the tide.

"These cufflinks deliver a lethal electric shock. This ballpoint pen becomes a garrotte. The silk tie is actually a gas mask, and it will serve as a water purifier in a pinch. And lastly, this wristwatch enables you to change the gravitational constant of the universe."

(or am I thinking of a _different_ Q?)

- The Great and Powerful Danny Sichel


A dashing figure stepped off the airline ramp. "May I have your passport please?" Asked the female security agent. She gave it a once over. "Thank you mister Bond."
"No, thank you." James Bond said in his usuall manner. The officer blushed and continued on. Untill the last man, as dashing as the first but shaken, came late.
"Oh, what happened mister... Jones?" Quired the concerned agent.
"I, uh fell asleep." She eyed him curiously. "It was a long flight," he finished lamely, caught by her beauty. "What is your name?
"Madelyn, Madelyn Barnes. I'm off in a few minutes, and this is my last day, would you mind company?"
"Sure, by the way, my name is Indy." They left together.

-Some time Passes-

"This is where all the maps and clues point to Madelyn." Indy held a torch up to an altar inside the long labrynth. Madelyn clutched his arm tighter.
"Indy... I think someone is here."
"Quite right my dear. Turn around please, mister Jones." Around the corner behind them, stepped a man that Indy has never seen before. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Hanz Blofeld, and this is my cat, muffins. I am quite interested in rare Faberge' artifacts that contain Holy powers. You might say its a little hobbey of mine." Blofeld stepped closer untill he came fully into view. Holding his cat and a gun. "Now I think..."
"Hanz! You betrayed me!" Shouted a shorter dark haired man as he and his stormtroopers rounded an opposite corner.
"Mein Fuher. I merely meant to collect the egg with out your notice. Because it is my right to rule the world. And it is your right to disappear into history." Blofeld signalled and an equal amount of men came through his corner. "Sorry to get your hopes up, Furher. Get rid of them."
Blofeld's men opened fire on the Nazi's and Indy and Madelyn. Indy used his trusty six-round revolver to take down his attackers while both facists' side slaughtered each other. When it was all over, the Furher and both sides soldiers lay dead.
" Now I will have..." A loud bang cut Blofeld off as a large hole appeared in his chest. He collapsed on his cat, death coming to both.
"Sorry to disappoint you, Hanz." A suave man in a tuxedo came from behind. "Explosive cigarette's. The nicotene's not the dangerous part." James Bond regaurded Blofeld's body then looked up at Indy. "You must be Indiana Jones. I'm sorry but Her Royal Highness requires that egg."
"But this belongs in a museum!" Indy said, reaching for his reholstered gun, but found it missing. Madelyn was pointing it straight at his chest. "Madelyn! What are you doing?"
"You heard James, the Queen wants this egg."
"Let him live, Miss Moneypenny, he's just doing his job. Lets go."
"Yes James." She looked toward Indy. "Sorry Indy, but it was fun while it lasted." Indiana Jones sighed and left the labrynth, plotting to get the Fabrege' Egg back some how.

James Bond watched Indy go and swept Miss Moneypenny up in his arms. "We're finally alone."
"Yes we are." The scene ends with a long kiss.

- Jason Harris "Hop-Goblin


The Nazis recover the Egg of Turin under cover of solemn Easter observances. (They were the only ones hunting.) Indy goes in hot pursuit, leaving a trail of dead Germans, and reaches their HQ in time to see the Nazis betrayed, and the prize snatched away -- by SPECTRE. Blofeld's minions have no compunction about abandoning their erstwhile allies, now that they have served their purpose.

Jones pursues again, this time joined by a strangely familiar tuxedo-clad man, accompanied by a beauty in considerably less formal wear. They converge on SPECTRE's secret hideout at Masada, along with several hundred Bedouin warriors Bond has recruited for the big attack. They break in after sufficient bloodshed and explosions, only to see the Egg flown away in a helicopter, bearing a hammer and sickle.

Yes, Moscow was behind it all. Blofeld will get a handsome cash payment, plus a few nuclear warheads for future use, while the Soviets return the Egg(a Faberge egg, remember, a Russian invention) to its 'rightful' place in the Hermitage.

Indiana figures, "Okay, the Nazis are the bad guys, the Commies hate the Nazis, so the Commies are the good guys, and the good guys have the Egg. My job's done." He returns home, only to have his career ruined years later when he's called to testify by Senator McCarthy.

Bond has no such illusions about the Soviets, though. Infiltrating Russia in a brilliant disguise as a submarine commander, he rescues the Egg from its museum(blowing up lots of priceless art in the process, but hey, that's not *his* problem). With the health benefits of the Egg magically bestowed on him, he gets his License to Kill renewed, and goes off to make lots more movies, pausing only long enough to drop Pierce Brosnan into the nearest active volcano.

- Call me Shane


...the Q-Factor: "Now Bond, we've got a new gadget for you, it's a shoe polish kit that also detects ancient eggs. Oh, and behind the black brush: Stinger Missiles!" So it's clear, Bond Wins.

- Pervis McAllister


Indy is your man, but only after a long battle with multiple handoffs. Bond's sortcoming will be that his neat toys and gadgets (even though they work great) are non-reusable. Bond breaks them all, while Indy has his gun (bullets are easy to replace) and a rechargable whip. After two or three dozen handoffs Bond will discover that he has run out of toys.

- Syko Sqyre


I think that in spite of 007's dashing, debonaire demeanor, Dr. Jones will surely win the day. My reasons:

- There's no way in hell that Indiana Jones would ever have a themesong performed by Carly Simon.
- When faced by an opponent, Bond would flash his arrogant smile and say, "Hi there...I'm going to kick your ass," and then a big thug would come from behind and knock him unconscious. Indy, on the other hand, would simply shoot the bastard and win the day.
- Because you'd never, never see GRACE JONES in an Indiana Jones movie.

- Adam McDaniel


This reminds me of the famous question, "What if Superman and God got into a fight?" Both Bond and Indy have their relative strengths so I believe the determing factor in this scenario is the setting. Could any of us see Indiana deep within the bowels of Blofeld's lair, romancing The gorgeous but evil Ivana Screw before callously casting her aside in order to trade caustic quips with some soon to be expediate deleted henchman while simultaneously reprogramming the computer to fire the dreadnought missle so far up Blofeld's **** that he'll blow his head off when he sneezes? No. That is a Bondism. Likewise, can you really see Bond passionately involved in the search for a rare artifact that means more to him than the spunky female lead which would inevitably result in some great jackbooted moron dancing the fandango on his skull while falling out of an airborne Junkers 88 astride a 500 pound bomb aimed directly toward some , oooh, really spikey rocks directly in front of an advancing column of Tiger tanks? No. That is a Jonesism. So this brings us back to the setting. German-type Nazi stooge bad-guys seeking a precious artifact that our intrepid College professor would love to see in his Beloved museum. If that means an extra scar or twelve, so be it. He would use his nogin to locate the artifact and his uncanny healing ability to get it away from the Germans. Let Bond go get it when the Germans get Blofeld to steal it for use in some kind of mutant killer death ray.

- Darcy


I gotta go with Indy here, because George Lucas would never allow George Lazenby to replace Harrison Ford.

- Big Daddy Dave


James Bond is just a bon-vivant spy type guy. These guys are a dime a dozen. Indiana Jones is a college professor part time and a crusading archaeologist the rest of the time. How many archaeologists who fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way [tm] do you know? I work at a college, and our archaeology professor's big project was to examine people's garbage from the 1970s. Indy is unique--and he always wins with his Integrity[tm] still intact.

- lynnmh


Here's the breakdown.

Indiana - He drank from the Grail, and cannot be killed.
Bond - License to kill.

Indiana - Carries a hand cannon and a whip.
Bond - Carries a Walther PPK and condoms.

Indiana - Meets women, sleeps with them, and is betrayed by them.
Bond - Meets women, sleeps with them, and gets them killed.

Indiana - Wears a leather jacket.
Bond - Wears a tuxedo.

Indiana - Gets in chases with classic cars, tanks, and boats.
Bond - Gets in chases with sportscars, submarines, boats, skis, jetskis, spacecraft, airplanes, hang gliders, and helicopters.

Indiana - Lives a mostly normal life, doing good by teaching at a local college.
Bond - Drinks heavily, gambles, and spends his time being a rich snob.

Clearly, they are neck and neck. But, considering that Indiana was around in the 1940's, when Bond was still in diapers, Indiana will have several decades to find the egg before Bond even hits puberty.

- Lonny


Steve, you blew it in your second paragraph by pointing out that Sean Connery is Indy's dad. In "The Last Crusade", Junior and Pop finally acknowledged their love for each other and started working out their problems. After the Crusade, Indy and Henry/Bond went to counselling, where Indy admitted to always feeling like he was in his dad's shadow. Indy sees this match as a way to finally prove he's as good as the old man. Much as Bond wants to win, he knows that doing so will set his progress with Junior back years. Plus the Prozac (tm) and electro-shock therapy have really taken the edge off of his competative nature. He'll bumble around some to make a good showing but in the end, Indy will walk off with the Egg, fortune and glory, and a vague sense of Oedipal guilt for having bested his father. The real winner in all this will prove to be the Jones' therapist, who will be able to retire to Bimini and live there as a god by the time all this gets sorted out.

- Cordy Coyote


Is Indiana Jones a Bond bad guy?!?! The good ol' Brit wouldn't have a CLUE how to go up against anyone who had not invested 13 small fortunes into an elaborate infrastructure that Bond could bring down around his head. That is the only way Bond knows how to win.... run in, grab the girl, blow the place up, and leave the bad guy to be done in by his machinations....

So what can he do to Indy? Knock his hat off and hope he jumps into a pit of boiling lava after it? Indy DOES have an unusual affinity for his hat, BUT it also tends to come back to him on its own, too.

More to the point, then, Indy would make a terrible BOND villain (way way WAY too low maintenance), but Bond would make a good INDY villain.. dapper, proper, swaggering...... and after having Bond take it away from him about 7 times on their chase around the globe (another INDY advantage.... maps with cool red lines) INDY rides up on a horse and snatches it out of Bond's hand w/whip while Bond tries to figure out how to turn his car into a cappucino machine.

- Kang


Everybody knows the Nazi's will lose with these 2 participants, their not getting the egg is never in doubt. Both competitors will be caught, beaten, tortured and left for dead at which time the Nazi plan will be revealed. Bond will Boink the Evil temptress and most likely any innocent by-standing Bimbo's. Indy will score with the most beautilful women who is working against the Nazi's. Whether or not he will go all the way is dependent on a complex equation involving Total # of swear words, projected movie rating, total dollars earned per PG-13 rating as opposed to R, etc.,etc. The real competition will begin when both Bond and Indy arrive at the egg at the same time, sure the Nazi's will be in pursut with infinite fire and man power, but this will have no effect on the outcome as they will be done in with there poor aiming ability and complete incompetence. The match can be broken down to Great Britain vs USA, by studying the facts Indy must win. GB is Limey, USA is #1, The Brits are a bunch of whiners and complainers, Americans get the job done, Wimbeldon, strawberries and cream, tea; US open, Hot Dog and Aplle Pie, Mountain Dew. We dont need to cover the history of War between these two nations.

- Gladi8r


Let me pose a math problem. Two young men, let us call them... oh, I don't know, James and Jones, start from points A and B, respectively, and, when points A and B are both the same distance from point C, and both are considered to have the same adventurous prowess, which will reach point C first? Mind you, variable SD (Sexy Dame) may intervene, but will make the exact same number of passes at our competitors.

Give up?

Jones will come across SD, screw her to the wall, and she will accompany him to point C, getting kidnapped, being rescued, etc.

James will come across SD, screw her to the wall, continue, come across SD2, screw her to the floor, continue, come across SD3, screw her to the family pet, continue, come across SD4, screw her to God- knows-what, etc.

Jones will reach the egg first, for the simple fact that he doesn't come to a complete stop to doink everything that moves.

- Studpuppy


I believe Indy will find the egg first -- that was the question being asked. But if asked who would end up taking the egg back with him, I would have to respond: Bond. James Bond.

The first reason for this conclusion is simple: Indiana Jones always loses his artifacts to the government, and James Bond *is* the government (albeit not Jones' own government.)

The second, and more compelling reason that Bond will return victorious, is that he has Q on his side. Q is, of course, a member of the Continuum and therefore omnipotent. We all know that Qs have been on earth (Amanda's parents, for example) and that not all of them are as impish as John DeLancie's portrayal. The Q working for the British government is very loyal to his adopted government. He disguises his powers by implanting them into seemingly commonplace objects to assist Bond in his missions. But when push comes to shove, and when something as important as the Egg comes along, Q will make sure Bond will win.

- Tim Lucas


Indy has friends in every village from here to the Sudan, he'll blend in, dissapear. With luck, he has the egg already. Bond, in his tuxedo and expensive sports car may as well paint a bullseye on his back for all of the bad-guys, and the PLO to aim at. Also, Indy has John Rhys-Davies on his side, as the ever-faithful Sala. Sala is the best digger in Cairo, and already has dealt with the Nazis before, and knows how to work around them.

- Marcus Brody: Does anyone here speak English, or even ancient Greek?


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

John McClane v. Death Star
Forrest Gump v. Rainman
Grudge Match goes to the Movies

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