"The Egg of Turin? Isn't that kind of a silly artifact to chase after?"
"Well, dammit, Indy, that's what you get for finding all the good ones! And, besides, it isn't totally silly. This Egg is not only cholesterol-free, but it gives it's owner the power to also be cholesterol-free, and, thus, to live forever. This is a power Hitler cannot have."
"I'll take the first red line to Jerusalem."
"Oh, and, Indy. The Nazis have joined forces with someone else; someone also bent on world domination. That's gotten the Brits involved. This Egg is too powerful, Indy, for even our allies to get ahold of."
Superfriends narrator voice: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in London, England
"Blofeld's at it again, Double-O 7. He's teamed up with the Nazis in search of another one of those blasted eggs. If they get a hold of it, it could mean the end of the free world. Talk to Q and get what you need. Miss Moneypenny will give you the password for your contact in Syria right after she flirts with you. Oh, and the Americans are sending in one of their best men. This is a power that Her Majesty's government, and hers alone, must have, is that clear? Don't blunder your mission this time, Double-O 7."
So, Steve, which hero tracks down the Biblical Super Egg first?
Please note: This match involves Sean Connery as James Bond. Any mention of any of those other Bond-wannabes will result in a severe flogging.
Another important factor is, of course, that Sean Connery (aka James Bond) is also Indy's father. With Jones Sr.'s superior archeology experience and biblical knowledge combined with the James Bond class, there is no chance that Indy will escape with the egg. And if somehow Indy does get his hands on the Egg, Belloq is likely to come and snatch it away from him anyhow.
While Dirty Harry may have won the "cool" contest, no one can top James Bond in the "class" contest. Bond will obtain the Egg after a typical classy evening: He will begin with some cocktails, and then play some Baccarat (dressed in a Tux, of course), which will win him the notice of a buxom young woman with a slutty name. They'll go back to his hotel room, and after a couple hours of passion, he'll awake in the Nazi/Blofeld secret base (sleeping drug in the cocktail!). He'll escape the death-trap set by the Nazis, and then recover the Egg as described above. Bond has obtained the Egg after an evening of partying in the traditional Bond style. No real work, just class and savvy. Indy has none of this -- he's all guts & glory wannabe. He'll try to shoot and sneak his way into wherever the Nazis are hiding the Egg, and in the process get the crap beat out of him, as always. He'll likely spend the rest of his life a Nazi prisoner, unless he is fortunate enough to be imprisoned at Stalag 13.
BRIAN: Bond has no shot here, Steve. First of all, with any kind of half-way decent competition, Bond won't be able to get the job done fast enough because he will be too busy: A.) Having sex; B.) Recovering from the bad position having sex put him in; and/or C.) Burying the women he just had sex with. But even more importantly, you have the Nazis involved. And if they're involved, then they're in charge, not Blofeld. That means three things: 1.) The villains will be drinking beer, not wine. Without being able to expose hitmen or evildoers by their ignorance of vino, Bond won't know who is enemies really are. 2.) When Nazis capture bad guys, they usually kill them straight out. They don't devise some ultra-complex and ironic way of killing their prisoners. And they definitely don't decide to divulge their evil plans right before they knock somebody off. With no chance to escape (we all know he's going to be caught sometime), and with no chance to figure out the evil plan, Bond himself will have no chance. 3.) Reality.
That's right: with the Nazi's involved, that means this is the real world, not the Bond-world. Bond must now obey the Laws of Physics (tm), something he hasn't ever had to do before. Suddenly, jumping on that helicopter from the smoking, pilotless plane won't be quite so easy. And he also won't have infinitely sized pockets. I once saw him fortuitously find a safe and then pull a safe-cracking device out of his coat! What does he have under there, a Bat Utility Belt (tm)? Not here, he won't. Without his gadgets and usual MO's, Bond is helpless.
Which leaves Indy. If he's anything but an idiot, he'll win this. And I think his resume speaks for itself: Extensive experience in recovering Biblical artifacts; previous battles with Nazis and several types of hostile natives; excellent with a whip. Indy finds the Egg, loses the Egg, then regains the Egg when the Wrath of God (tm) wipes out another Mediterranean island. (Oh, and if you can use the fact that Bond is actually Indy's father, then I can point out how Indy has Luke, The Force, Leia in a Gold Bikini, etc. Let's not go there.)
STEVE: Your arguments are so riddled with errors that I don't even know where to start. First of all, the Nazis are worse than Batman (tm) villains for leaving the hero for dead after telling them the whole evil plot. Didn't they seal Indy in the the Well of Souls (tm) to die amidst the poisonous asps? Didn't they tie Indy up to witness the opening of the Ark? Didn't they tie him up with his father in the German Castle for "future execution"? I won't even get started with other sources such as Hogan's Heroes or Force Ten from Navarone (with Harrison Ford, nonetheless).
If James Bond is guilty of violating the Laws of Physics (tm), then Indy has to be locked away for life for all his violations. Sure, Bond twists things now and then, but Indy is doing it all the time. Let's see -- jumping out of an airplane and having a rubber raft break your fall, having a runaway mining cart jump from one track to the next, and of course the famous "dragged under the moving truck, holding on with a whip, all while bleeding from a gunshot wound in the shoulder". Gimme a break!
Your last paragraph makes me laugh. How many biblical artifacts has he actually recovered? Zero! The government (urged on by a Vatican conspiracy probably) stole the Ark away from him. And of course he couldn't remove the Holy Grail without destroying all those neat traps that took millions of special effect dollars to create. Indy actually has nothing to his credit at all. Bond, on the other hand, always goes the distance. He always stops the nuclear bomb from going off (at least three times if I'm not mistaken), recovers the encryption device, and always defeats Blofeld and his evil plans, and usually a whole gang of thugs and maybe even the Russians. Compared to this, recovering an Egg from the Nazis is simplicity itself.
BRIAN: A-ha! If recovering the Egg from the Nazis was the goal, Bond would have a chance. But the real goal is to find the Egg before the Nazis do. And that is where Indy's archaeological expertise will blow Bond away.
And I, in turn, laugh at your middle paragraph. The idea that Indy defies the Laws of Physics (tm) worse than Bond! First of all, most of the examples you give are from The Temple of Doom which is not only the armpit of the trilogy but is also noticeably Nazi-free. With made up baddies and mystic forces, physics could be suspended. So all that leaves you with is your unsubstantiated ridicule of one of the finest stunts in cinematic history. Seems to me there really was someone under that truck; it wasn't creative editing. And remember how beat up Indy was afterwards? That's real, Steve. Now, if Bond had tried something like that in one of his movies, he would have easily performed the maneuver, dusted off his wrinkle-free Armani (tm), proceeded to boink the woman driver that had just tried to kill him, and then stopped the truck. If he tries that in this realistic scenario, he'll end up like so much limey roadkill.
And don't even get me started on your analysis of the participants resumes! All Bond has ever done is out-thunk a few villains with the collective IQ of one Scooby-Doo villain. Indy, however, has retrieved artifacts. He did recover the Ark, after all. Sure, it's not in his den, but at least Hitler didn't get a hold of it. And maybe the Grail isn't in his cupboard, but I didn't see anyone else smart enough to find it (and that includes John Cleese). After Indy finds the Egg and brings it back to the states, it is deemed too dangerous for all involved. It's placed in an unmarked egg carton and buried deep inside a huge Winn Dixie (tm) warehouse outside Hoboken.
Thanks to Marc Caron, Paul Golba at the Township of West Orange, Alex Obaza & Paul Gilbert,
and King Paul I Korman for suggesting this match-up.
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1. The Nazis - NO! Well, DUH! Anyway, anyone stupid enough to fight a war on two fronts AND attack Russia in winter AND trust on Italy as a valued military ally has no chance. Blofeld would probably put them out of their misery himself by sending them to find the Beer Keg of Turin in the middle of the Arabian desert and then ironically wipe them out with nerve gas.
2. Blofeld - No! Any man who was willing to expose billions to World War III and nuclear winter for millions in gold that would be utterly useless in a post-apocalyptic world is too evil and too clueless for immortality. In addition, if he ruled the world, everyone would have to own cats and God would have to deal with the smell and all the kitty litter for all of eternity. After Bond shoots him dead, God *ZOTS* him a couple of times to make sure.
3. James Bond - No. Agent 007 has sex with almost every beautiful woman he comes into contact with. True, this does lead to more people screaming "OH GOD!" to the heavens but consider the consequences. With immortality, he has the time to mate with EVERY female. Within generations, every human will have Bond as an ancestor, leading to redneck level inbreeding. Just consider billions of Forrest Gumps wearing red with pink polka dot tuxedos playing high stakes games of Old Maid, drinking Budweiser Martinis and bedding down the Fabulous Moolah in a roadside motel in Monaco. EEK! Bond is conveniently trapped in a cave-in with three female companions to work out his version of the "Middle East Peace Process".
4. Indiana Jones - Yes! The only person left, he is too smart to let the egg fall into the wrong hands and too humble to use it for world domination. And I'm sure God would appreciate the irony of the Nazis, a Nazi wannabe and a WASP playboy being defeated by a couple of Jews - Steven Speilberg and Harrison Ford (one quarter Jewish).
- Paul Golba
Indy lands in Jerusalem meets a showgirl and a young chinese kid, roams around and gets captured by the Nazis. Bond arrives in Jerusalem via Wondercar (tm) and instantly starts to search for something with two (or four) legs to screw. The Nazi's, following the trail of panting, half clothed women, soon catch him and put him in the same room as Indy and Co.
Bond, using his Thermonuclear Selfexploding Nazi/Blofield bashing Grelbin device (tm), secretly disgused as a nipple ring, kills all the bad guys. This leaves as the only course of action a knockout fist fight to the death. But just as Bond and Indy start circling, Bond gets a look at Indy's Showgirl companion and walks over. He pulls out a cigarette and suavely flicks his lighter. Too late he remembers that the lighter is actually a Highly Explosive Mini-sized nail polishing Thingamajigger (tm) and gets blown to kingdom come. With no competition left, Indy finds the egg in no time flat.
Also, knowing his enemy's weaknesses of women and drinking, Indy, after a long, expensive, choreographed bar fight scene, would have enlisted the help of Marion. To buy time for Indy, Marion will distract Bond by being tied to a bed with Indy's whip. When Bond discovers Marion he engages in a long, evenly-matched drinking challenge until he collapses from kidney failure and the pain of living with over 50 known sexually transmitted diseases. Indy gets the egg, and Bond lives the rest of his live bedridden on dialysis, every day boinking a new nurse.
- Al F.
Bond is running out of material. A sample:
CHIEF GUY: 007, take a look at what the boys in the back room have
cooked up for you on this mission.
Q: Notice, Bond, this simple pen-like device. Under normal circumstances it would be considered a normal BIC ballpoint, correct?
BOND: Yes, but actually, it's a high power nuclear laser pen, right?
Q (noticeably embarassed): Well, no, we've done that...
BOND: A light saber?
BOND: Ooh, ooh, it's a really sharp sword!
BOND: What the hell is it, then?
Q: If you unscrew this end, bite off this end, and somehow manage to get ahold of some chewed up paper, you might annoy some Nazis.
BOND: Oh, bloody hell.
Bond proceeds to doink Q for lack of anything else to screw, inflate his used condom and float harmlessly out the window.
Indy, however, doesn't need new material. He didn't make the mistake of introducing new gadgets every movie. Indy has what he needs: a whip and a gun. It's simplicity in itself. Unlike Bond, Indy is no good sumeritan. As Bond reaches the ground outside of HQ, Indy whips the shit out of his champagne chuggin' ass and... dumps him in the well of lost souls? Locks him in a broom closet? Gives him a noogie and ties him to a chair? No! Indy is a no-nonsense type of good guy. Indy caps his ass right there on the street, free to recapture the egg, Indy-style.
First consider this: When these two first see each other (and they will, eventually), there is only one thing that can happen:
Indy (stops and stares at Bond, dumbfounded): Dad?
Bond: What are you talking about?!
Indy: Bond... I am your son!
Bond (in shock, having never thought any of his affairs would ever catch up to him): No... This can't be true... IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
Indy (excited): You've finally joined me! C'mon, we can bring the Egg back together! It's our destiny!
Bond: (throws himself out castle window)
On the other hand, it may not even get to this point (I know I'm asking for a flogging, but bear with me). What with all the other Bonds running around trying to grab some glory, the true Bond will be hamstrung. Timothy Dalton will be snarling and blowing up everything in sight, while Roger Moore will be constantly underfoot, muttering about the "good ol' days" and hobbling around with his cane. Woody Allen (yes, Woody Allen) will just be plain annoying everyone. Only Pierce Brosnan will get even close, but his mysterious past will catch up to him. This is assuming that the original Bond even gets over the whole "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" issue...
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
Surprisingly enough, if it was any higher than one, under wins.
The sad fact is, Bond, that the Nazis put someone unexpected in charge of finding and guarding the egg: Ilsa, Aryan superbabe, queen of Nazi soldiers, and Indy's former flame.
While Bond beds the girl, Indy takes the Egg of Turin out of the hands of Nazikind, has fun dragging behind a hovercraft (if I'm not mistaken, the only vehicle he hasn't used), taking on Palestinians and Israelis in the nation's capital, and shopping for a faberge egg stand at exotic bazaars...
- Vlad, Canada's favorite Wonder Hamster
- The X-Man
- Wombat Boy
On to the real question: who gets the girl at the end of the film? There's no question about during: during it's more a question of frequency than anything else. I'm talking when 007 is reminiscing his daring rescue of the Egg from the secret Andean chateau/bowling alley over a little bubbly in his satin lined hover-sub with the aforementioned suggestively-named "Bond girl", that's when the submarine carrying Dr. Marcus, Sallah, Q, M, Felix Leiter, and a few thousand Marines suddenly surfaces from under the hover-sub and demands an update on the situation. Thus we find 007 maintaining his detached cool all the way to his next assignment. Meanwhile the insufferable Indiana Jones, after falling from the deck of Bond's hover-sub into the open sea during their escape from the exploding secret base, will somehow hitch a ride on the submarine back to Washington, where we watch him strolling down the Capitol steps after his debriefing, to be joined by his strong female lead turned "damsel in distress"...
- Dave C.
- Stu (NOT DAVE)!
- Brendan W. Guy
INDY BY A MILE!!!!
- Dave "Vern" R.
Even though James Bond is probably a Nazi Sympathizer --- after all, he got his hands on the shipment of Nazi Gold that "dissapeared" during WWII in Goldfinger, (where *was* he during WWII? Obviously, a pro-Facist) --- Indy suffers from some clear disadvantages.
First, he's in a Steven Spielberg movie. That means that he probably can't hear a thing with those deafening soundtracks and his every move is scripted by a heavy-handed director. Second, In Indy Jones: The Last Crusade, we learn that James Bond is actually Indy's father, and we see him repeatedly outclass, outexplore, and outscore his son. Not a good sign, "Juniour". Third, James Bond is *already* immortal. M dies, everyone else gets old, but Bond gets younger in each movie(*). Obviously, Indy is out of his league.
(*) Okay, so it's kind of cheating. But someone has to pay for "Mosquito Coast".(**)
(**) Yeah, someone has to pay for Zardoz and Highlander II, too, but this isn't the time.
- Joe Valenzuela
1) Bond has never had to actually SEARCH for an object - usually he just finds whoever has it and takes it. Well, in these kind of capers (archeological hunts), the prize has to be found. That involves digging around through dirty places with nasty beasties all around. Bond would not dare sacrifice his "cool" and get dirty, especially since it would mess up his hair.
2) Bond doesn't GET those gadgets - Indy's time frame is the 1930's, and technology won't support laser-pens and submarine-cards. Even Q isn't that good! Besides, Indy's the pro at avoiding complex traps.
3) God likes Indy - He's drunk from the Holy Grail!!! We don't know how God feels aboud Bond...
4) Bond's ability with women won't help much. The Women in the Indy movies have always been more a hindrance than a help! Let Bond waste his time with Willie - see if she'd put her hands in a cockroach nest for HIM!
- The Bunyip
- Falc0 (der Mann mit dem Wiener Blut)
With no further competition, and no familial baggage, Indy takes the egg easily.
- Eric Grimm
- Tony Jaramillo, Jr.
- Jester How Ujest
Clothing: Armani vs. Banana Republic....point, Bond.
Gadgets: exploding pens, Astin Martin w/machine guns, vs....a whip. point, Bond.
Funny One-Liners: "Do you expect me to talk" and "Shocking" vs. "Dad, we're well out of range"...point, Bond. (Father knows best)
Villains: Goldfinger, Blofeld vs....the Nazis (how passe!) Please. Point, Bond.
Women: Slutty tramps who are more trouble than they're worth vs.... oh, alright, so they're even on this one.
And finally, the most damning piece of evidence...Bond must master a variety of skills in order to successfully carry out his missions; a true Renaissance man. Jones? What kind of ancient or medieval archaeologist doesn't know that in Latin, Jehovah(TM) begins with an "I"??!? Once again, father knows best. I rest my case.
- Justin, email@example.com
And lets look at both of their respective backup:
Bond - British secret service including Q(tm), M(tm), all the other 00-somethings etc., and of course your very own US Agent Felix Leiter(tm)
Indy - Tends to be backed up by a bunch of school teachers, a fat Arab and a 12 year old chinese kid.
Final point: Another Country Vs. Country issue - We've already beaten the Nazis once (see World War II (tm)) so we're practiced at whipping their butts. Gotta give this to Bond.
Long live the British Secret Service (tm).
- Matt (0096) and Pete (0085) - British Secret Service, London
In striking contrast, the 007 movies present a character who seems to be totally devoid of human phobias: heights, piranas, spiders, STD's... Bond shows no sign of weakness and is presented as some sort of demi-god, only answering to her majesty.
But the reality is that the Bond movies are in fact testaments to the one fear that really rules the life of James Bond: his past. It is only from intense fear of ones past that would drive a man to give up family, security, and home for a life of endless perils with no recognition. Only some catastrophic trama in James' past could have created a man so deviod of human emotion and normal social desires. And our biggest clue as to what past perdicament he could be so tramatised by comes with his endless excapades with dangerous, if not lethal, women. This compulsive behavior can only point to a serious maternal complex. James Bond never enjoyed the mother son relationship that is so vital in every young boys adolescence and he is forever trying to make up for that void. What ever catastrophic event occured involving his mother has forever scarred the man that is James Bond.
It is this deep rooted scar that will keep James' from geting the prise in this episode. For it is the egg itself that has decided the outcome. Is the egg not the purest representation of the potential that is childhood and the pure event that childhood should be? Is not the egg the symbol of the mother child relationship and the delecate bond that is inherent with that relationship? Presented with such an overpowering symbol of his inadiquacies, Bond will break and Jones will come away with the prize.
- The armchair Therapist of the Fictional Stars
I just wanted to let you guys know that I refuse to vote on this one. Indiana Jones and James Bond are two supreme forces of goodness, and they're both real cool to boot. As such, I don't think that they should ever be made to fight. Is the next grudge match going to be Luke vs. Obi? Mother Theresa vs. Ghandi? I think you see my point.
- Will at Tech
Nazi Leader Guy: "Vell, gentlemen! Ve are vaiting! Retrieve ze egg,
and be snappy about it or ve shoot you too!"
Bond: "Surely you don't think *I've* any idea of how to get it! The damned thingsh probably full of trapsh! Let the American Hero get it."
Indy: "Traps?! Ya think? What a brilliant observation! I guess that's what passes for smarts in a country that's getting whipped by the Nazis. Limeys...."
Nazi: "Stop zis incessant bickering or I shoot you both! Herr Bond! You vill enter ze chamber first."
Bond steps slowly into the room containing the Egg. A gigantic sawblade rushes at his head. Deftly dodging the blade, he jumps into the path of a falling boulder. Quickly swerving to avoid being crushed, he steps on a loose stone in the floor. Leaping away from the bottomless pit that has just opened, he grabs onto a statue on the wall......
Seven minutes and eighteen traps later, Bond has succesfully navigated the trap room, and remains in tip-top classy condition. He picks up the Faberge egg, as it begins to glow in the dim room, the Nazis become transfixed..... Indy quickly shoots them all, whips the egg out of Bond's hand, and then throws Shorty(TM) at him, knocking Bond into the bottomless pit. Indy walks off into the sunset with one of Bond's slutty bimbos on his arm, and we all know she will be gone (with no explanation given) in the next film. THE END
We have 2 factors. Bond can't search for eggs, but has a worldwide network to find people. Indy can search for eggs, but can't tell when he's about to get blindsided by Nazis worth beans. And, if Nazis surprise him, 007 will have him for lunch. Bond's best-case strategy then is to follow Indy, let him get the egg, and kill Indy. However, Bond couldn't tell a brown medium grade-A from a relic if he tried (watch how fast Pa would have died getting the Holy Grail. Time to obey the laws of physics). Indy gets an egg-shaped clue, Bond thinks it's the egg, and kills Indy with some surperflous techie thing, even though he didn't have to.
Now, James has to do some archaeology. If we are indeed working on the Mutual Reality Factor (TM), as implied in our commentary, then James would be as well digging where he stands than anywhere else. This doesn't even begin to take into account all the time he'll waste having sex with half a continent. Therefore, the Nazis will win by default. Therefore, my pick, is Nazis in 5 years from the start of the matchup. Depressing, but, true. The wiener dogs probably get the egg from the Nazis, but that's another fight.
- Chris Zuschlag
Meanwhile Indy walks out the front gate dressed as a laborer hauling a crate that appears to contain foodstuffs. Of course the egg is hidden inside. He loads it into a truck and takes of with the supply convoy to the next garrison. The last truck of the convoy dissapears and never reaches the next stop. Bond is tourtured to find out what he did with the egg and a special forces team is sent to rescue him. A few weeks later Prof. Jones returns from a short sabbatical and there's a glass diplay case in one of the Smithsonian's warehouses so dust covered that you can barely make out what looks like a bejeweled oval. Below is an almost illedgible lable reading Faberge Counterfeit circa 1890.
- Eric Schori
With an epic quest before them, trekking all over the Holy Land in search of a tiny little egg, the endurance of the rivals has to come into it. Indy was in three films before quitting and swearing never to do another one (though he's now signed up for a fourth). James Bond on the other hand survived effortlessly through five films before calling it quits, only to return not once (Diamonds Are Forever) but TWICE (Never Say Never Again). With tenacity like that, he's got to be another step ahead of Indy.
Then there's the BABE(TM) factor. Indy's leads were who? Karen Allen and Alison Doody, the latter of whom he shared with his father for crying out loud! (And just who was that elder Henry Jones, anyway?) Bond, on the other hand, made it with, count them: Ursula Andress, Honor Blackman, Claudine Auger, Mie Hama, Jill St John, Kim Basinger(!), and the luscious Daniela Bianchi...
Finally, since Nazi(TM) is a trademark of TSR(TM) Games, thanks to their Indiana Jones(TM) role-playing game, our heroic duo find that the massed hordes of enemies they'd expected to face are actually impounded as evidence in a breach of copyright suit against WWWF Grudge Match(TM) by TSR(TM). That leaves just Blofeld between our heroes and the prize... and we all know who is best at dealing with him!
James Bond is back in London with the egg, a hot Syrian babe and a vodka martini, while Blofeld calmly slices Indy up with a laser and feeds the bits to the sharks.
Indy also has all the sidekicks. He's got Salla, who can arrange any form of transportation before the next scene starts. He's got Jaques, pilot extrodinaine, who's snake Reggie, would make short work of Felix Leiter. Indy's also got the confusing tactics of Marcus Brody, who could easily get Leiter lost in a nearby museum.
It's as simple as Indy and Short Round slapping on some SS uniforms and sneaking across the MAginot line. Once they're into enemy territory, Shorty distracts Colonel Klink, Indy pulls a fast switcheroo with a bag of sand for the Egg, $1Mil in special effects later, they're carting the egg off into a warehouse in West Virginia.
Fortunately, Indy, has something that can overcome this apparent flaw. Despite all of Bond's gadgets, nothing can compare to Indy's magic fedora. Oft forgotten, this hat has powers beyond that of mortal Q. Regardless of the predicament, it will always return. Indy need only strap the Egg in as soon as he finds it, and fly home. When he arrives, through the magic of Fedora Express, the Egg will be there waiting for him.
- Micah Johnson, Indiana Jones WWW Page
First, one must realize that the object here is not solely to obtain the Egg of Turin, but to prevent the Nazis from doing so. Therefore, if need be, Bond will simply shoot the Egg, destroying it utterly. Indy could never bring himself to destroy an artifact so callously (well, not unless it was in the way of another artifact).
Second, and more important, Bond has access to the technological resources of the omnipotent Q. Brian's remark that Bond breaks the laws of physics, while true, misses the point. Bond's ability to ignore and/or alter the laws of physics will turn the tide.
"These cufflinks deliver a lethal electric shock. This ballpoint pen becomes a garrotte. The silk tie is actually a gas mask, and it will serve as a water purifier in a pinch. And lastly, this wristwatch enables you to change the gravitational constant of the universe."
(or am I thinking of a _different_ Q?)
- The Great and Powerful Danny Sichel
-Some time Passes-
"This is where all the maps and clues point to Madelyn." Indy
held a torch up to an altar inside the long labrynth. Madelyn
clutched his arm tighter.
"Indy... I think someone is here."
"Quite right my dear. Turn around please, mister Jones." Around the corner behind them, stepped a man that Indy has never seen before. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Hanz Blofeld, and this is my cat, muffins. I am quite interested in rare Faberge' artifacts that contain Holy powers. You might say its a little hobbey of mine." Blofeld stepped closer untill he came fully into view. Holding his cat and a gun. "Now I think..."
"Hanz! You betrayed me!" Shouted a shorter dark haired man as he and his stormtroopers rounded an opposite corner.
"Mein Fuher. I merely meant to collect the egg with out your notice. Because it is my right to rule the world. And it is your right to disappear into history." Blofeld signalled and an equal amount of men came through his corner. "Sorry to get your hopes up, Furher. Get rid of them."
Blofeld's men opened fire on the Nazi's and Indy and Madelyn. Indy used his trusty six-round revolver to take down his attackers while both facists' side slaughtered each other. When it was all over, the Furher and both sides soldiers lay dead.
" Now I will have..." A loud bang cut Blofeld off as a large hole appeared in his chest. He collapsed on his cat, death coming to both.
"Sorry to disappoint you, Hanz." A suave man in a tuxedo came from behind. "Explosive cigarette's. The nicotene's not the dangerous part." James Bond regaurded Blofeld's body then looked up at Indy. "You must be Indiana Jones. I'm sorry but Her Royal Highness requires that egg."
"But this belongs in a museum!" Indy said, reaching for his reholstered gun, but found it missing. Madelyn was pointing it straight at his chest. "Madelyn! What are you doing?"
"You heard James, the Queen wants this egg."
"Let him live, Miss Moneypenny, he's just doing his job. Lets go."
"Yes James." She looked toward Indy. "Sorry Indy, but it was fun while it lasted." Indiana Jones sighed and left the labrynth, plotting to get the Fabrege' Egg back some how.
James Bond watched Indy go and swept Miss Moneypenny up in his
arms. "We're finally alone."
"Yes we are." The scene ends with a long kiss.
- Jason Harris "Hop-Goblin
Jones pursues again, this time joined by a strangely familiar tuxedo-clad man, accompanied by a beauty in considerably less formal wear. They converge on SPECTRE's secret hideout at Masada, along with several hundred Bedouin warriors Bond has recruited for the big attack. They break in after sufficient bloodshed and explosions, only to see the Egg flown away in a helicopter, bearing a hammer and sickle.
Yes, Moscow was behind it all. Blofeld will get a handsome cash payment, plus a few nuclear warheads for future use, while the Soviets return the Egg(a Faberge egg, remember, a Russian invention) to its 'rightful' place in the Hermitage.
Indiana figures, "Okay, the Nazis are the bad guys, the Commies hate the Nazis, so the Commies are the good guys, and the good guys have the Egg. My job's done." He returns home, only to have his career ruined years later when he's called to testify by Senator McCarthy.
Bond has no such illusions about the Soviets, though. Infiltrating Russia in a brilliant disguise as a submarine commander, he rescues the Egg from its museum(blowing up lots of priceless art in the process, but hey, that's not *his* problem). With the health benefits of the Egg magically bestowed on him, he gets his License to Kill renewed, and goes off to make lots more movies, pausing only long enough to drop Pierce Brosnan into the nearest active volcano.
- Call me Shane
- Pervis McAllister
- Syko Sqyre
- There's no way in hell that Indiana Jones would ever have a themesong
performed by Carly Simon.
- When faced by an opponent, Bond would flash his arrogant smile and say, "Hi there...I'm going to kick your ass," and then a big thug would come from behind and knock him unconscious. Indy, on the other hand, would simply shoot the bastard and win the day.
- Because you'd never, never see GRACE JONES in an Indiana Jones movie.
- Adam McDaniel
- Big Daddy Dave
Indiana - He drank from the Grail, and cannot be killed.
Bond - License to kill.
Indiana - Carries a hand cannon and a whip.
Bond - Carries a Walther PPK and condoms.
Indiana - Meets women, sleeps with them, and is betrayed by them.
Bond - Meets women, sleeps with them, and gets them killed.
Indiana - Wears a leather jacket.
Bond - Wears a tuxedo.
Indiana - Gets in chases with classic cars, tanks, and boats.
Bond - Gets in chases with sportscars, submarines, boats, skis, jetskis, spacecraft, airplanes, hang gliders, and helicopters.
Indiana - Lives a mostly normal life, doing good by teaching at a
Bond - Drinks heavily, gambles, and spends his time being a rich snob.
Clearly, they are neck and neck. But, considering that Indiana was around in the 1940's, when Bond was still in diapers, Indiana will have several decades to find the egg before Bond even hits puberty.
- Cordy Coyote
So what can he do to Indy? Knock his hat off and hope he jumps into a pit of boiling lava after it? Indy DOES have an unusual affinity for his hat, BUT it also tends to come back to him on its own, too.
More to the point, then, Indy would make a terrible BOND villain (way way WAY too low maintenance), but Bond would make a good INDY villain.. dapper, proper, swaggering...... and after having Bond take it away from him about 7 times on their chase around the globe (another INDY advantage.... maps with cool red lines) INDY rides up on a horse and snatches it out of Bond's hand w/whip while Bond tries to figure out how to turn his car into a cappucino machine.
Jones will come across SD, screw her to the wall, and she will accompany him to point C, getting kidnapped, being rescued, etc.
James will come across SD, screw her to the wall, continue, come across SD2, screw her to the floor, continue, come across SD3, screw her to the family pet, continue, come across SD4, screw her to God- knows-what, etc.
Jones will reach the egg first, for the simple fact that he doesn't come to a complete stop to doink everything that moves.
The first reason for this conclusion is simple: Indiana Jones always loses his artifacts to the government, and James Bond *is* the government (albeit not Jones' own government.)
The second, and more compelling reason that Bond will return victorious, is that he has Q on his side. Q is, of course, a member of the Continuum and therefore omnipotent. We all know that Qs have been on earth (Amanda's parents, for example) and that not all of them are as impish as John DeLancie's portrayal. The Q working for the British government is very loyal to his adopted government. He disguises his powers by implanting them into seemingly commonplace objects to assist Bond in his missions. But when push comes to shove, and when something as important as the Egg comes along, Q will make sure Bond will win.
- Tim Lucas
- Marcus Brody: Does anyone here speak English, or even ancient Greek?
If you liked this match, check out these other past
John McClane v. Death Star
Forrest Gump v. Rainman
Grudge Match goes to the Movies
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