World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Ok, it's time for a change of pace. Let's travel back from outer space down to somewhere in Americana. Imagine an open field on a warm, sunny summer day. A table is set up in the field with the two contestants sitting at it ready to begin at the judge's starting gun. When the gun is fired, our two contestants must complete a 10x10 multipication table, and then do a 100 yard dash to the other end of the field. The first one across the finish line wins. Judging the event is the esteemed Vic Tayback. His decisions are final. Who will win?

Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks Rain Man, Dustin Hoffman

Forrest Gump

vs.

Rain Man

The Commentary

BRIAN: I find this match-up extremely fascinating. On the one hand you have Rain Man's superior mathematically abilities coupled with his inability to walk straight; on the other hand, you have the moronic Forrest Gump with blazing speed. So you've got Gump with a dumb look on his face and Raymond, long since done with the table, wandering in circles saying 'K-mart sucks.' And then to top it all off you have some guy named Mel judging the whole thing. Well, as athletes of biathalons, triathalons, decathalons, etc. all know: you're only as strong as you're weakest event. And simply put, while it may take forever for Rain Man to make those 100 yards, Gump ain't ever going to get that multiplication table done. Rain Man's speed can also be dramatically increased by strategically placing Tom Cruise in the stands with cardboard cutouts of Judge Whopner and/or Vanna White to be revealed after Raymond finishes the table. It's a done deal - Gump never gets off his chair.

Another note: The result is actually decided by crowd response. Vic cannot make the call as he was blinded by his own plaid jacket.

STEVE: You make some valid points, but I'm going to have to go with Gump on this one. Rain Man will suddenly get the idea that he wants to go driving (after all, he is a great driver) and refuse to fill in the multiplication table until his demands are met. Meanwhile, Forrest will dilligently count on his fingers and toes and fill in the multiplication table. Of course, the sprint is nothing to him, and he will finish with Raymond still sitting at the table, pouting and rocking back and forth in a catatonic state.

You see, Forrest has heart. You can't beat that. He may be dumb, but damn it, he gives it all he's got. Gump in 45 minutes.

BRIAN: I'm sorry, Steve, but last time I tried to multiply with my fingers and toes, I couldn't get much past 4 times 5. I got to 3 time 7 one time, but I was naked. Gump just can't pull this off in any reasonable amount of time. Not to say Gump isn't without his skills: Forrest would be great at a chocolate judging contest; for successful navigation of a reflecting pool, Gump's your man. But counting and calculating just aren't his strong points. Raymond will be able to fill in the table so quickly that he won't even realize he's missing WHEEL--OF--FOR--TUNE. (Remember how quickly he counted those toothpicks? I think my point is made.) Besides with a little coaching from brother Charlie, Raymond knows that he gets to go driving if he wins the event. End of story. (Remember that he probably didn't want to count cards either, but Charlie pulled him through.)

Yes, I agree that Forrest has heart. No one questions that. He has more heart than the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team. But he's an idiot. No matter how big his heart is, it ain't gonna make his brain any bigger. And besides, while Forrest has heart, Raymond has a more powerful weapon: rage. It will pull him through. (For those of you doubting that Rain Man has rage, I refer you to the 'Hot water hurt baby' scene. Frightening.)

STEVE: Only a fool would think that "rage" is going to allow Raymond to do math problems faster. If anything, it will slow him down and confuse him. He's just not good with emotions.

Another advantage Gump may have is the fact that 'ol Vic is judge. He probably can't multiply either, and won't know that 7x7 really isn't 13. In addition (no pun intended), I don't think Vic will have much patience with Raymond's moody nature, and will probably beat him up just for fun. Wouldn't you?

BRIAN: I think you're vastly misjudging Vic, Steve. Sure he plays a dumb oaf on TV all the time, but Vic himself is actually a pretty bright guy (let's not forget how intelligent Christopher Lloyd, John Cleese, etc. are). Plus, going by Vic's build, I'm thinking he played ball, probably offensive line. And while those wirey speedy types might impress The Bear, they really grate on the boys in the trenches. If anyone is gettin' his butt kicked, it's Gumpboy.

Also, only a fool would think I was saying that rage would make Raymond do the math problems faster. All I said is that rage will focus him to concentrate on what is at hand in the heat of battle. Raymond in 4.3 minutes.

Forrest laid his own grave: 'I'm not a smart man.' End of story.

The Results

Forrest Gump (497)

beats

Rain Man (472)

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Voter Comments

Your commentary overlooked perhaps the greatest advantage held by Gump! The man is a vet! Trained in the deadly arts by the toughest country on earth, the USA, Gump survived 'Nam through sheer killer instinct. Rain Man, as you recall, was weak and pathetic; he kept a damn diary of his little booboos!

Calling on skills honed in the jungles of Southeast Asia, Forrest "The Thump" Gump stealthfully glides in behind the hapless Rain Man. Pausing only to sniff the air for the presence of the Cong, he narrows his eyes and leaps. As Rain Man cries out, "Yeah, definitely being attacked..." the Thump drives his KABAR combat knife deep into the unprotected flank of his victim, simultaneously smothering his scream with a leather-gloved hand. Crouching to wipe his blade on the shirt of the face-down body, we hear the granite vet murmer, "Stupid is as stupid does..."

-S. Wakely

Are you guys nuts, Gump in a heartbeat. You foreget that Gump's main advantage is not his speed but stupid story telling ability. Rain Man blows through his times table but gets mesmerized by a Gumpism and boring story. Meanwhile, Gump copies his answers and takes off. End of Story.

- srg

Incredibly, this is an exciting roller coaster ride of an event here! The Rain Man takes an early lead, after completing the multiplication table in 2.1 seconds and totters off toward the other end of the field. Meanwhile, Forrest has discovered that poking the sharp end of the pencil into his own flesh hurts, and that..wow..if you press it on paper it makes a black mark! Rain Man, well on his way to victory, suddenly becomes distracted by counting the number of hairs on Vic's back. Gump continues to marvel at his discovery thru a series of meaningful doodles on the multiplication table.."I luv Momma"... "Foresst rools".. etc. Rain Man once again moves toward victory, but a militant faction of Gump Fanatics begins to throw boxes of matches on the field to further slow his progress. Vic Tayback, in a surprise move, rules that Gump's tables have been filled in, since it was never established that any actual math had to be done. It looks bad for the Rainguy, as Gump senses victory and prepares to run! Gump is off in a flash, reaching an almost superhuman speed! Alas. he has run the wrong direction.. leading to a wonderful heartfelt sequel in which Gump meets many world leaders and famous people in his wonderful heartfelt quest to reach the end of the field from the opposite side. Rain Man, in his meandering manner, finally reaches the end of the field in a few days.. Victory! The swell of people rushing in to congratulate Rain Man causes him to begin yelling uncontrollably, at which point Vic Tayback steps in to punch him in the mouth.

-Rob Souza

So Gump will labor through the math problem (after all he did take some Math at the University of Alabama!) and whiz (no pun intended) through the 100-yard dash so fast it will make your head spin.

Gump finishes the biathlon in 5 minutes. Rain Man is still walking in around circles.

Carlton Miller Denver, PA

As a graduate of Auburn University, I would like to make it clear to Carlton and all others apparently not familiar with the University of Alabama that attending that school is no guarantee that you can fill in a 10x10 multiplication chart. Even if you didn't play football there. -B

As much as I hate to do it, I've got to give this match to Gump. Here's the way it plays out: Both contestants sit down and are given the multiplication tables. Rain Man jumps out to an early lead, but within seconds Gump's "charming, homespun philosophy" destroys Rain Man's concentration. He begins rocking back and forth muttering, "Multiplication's not like chocolate. No, not chocolate. No. No. Multiplication. Multiplication is like peppermint. Yes, definitely peppermint. Not chocolate. No. No."

After about 45 minutes, Gump completes his multiplication table, hands it to Tayback, and flies down the field. Tayback begins to suspect that Gump's answers are wrong when he notices that Gump has written "Momma" in every blank. Tayback is about to disqualify Gump when a Presidential Task Force on Outcome Based Education arrives on the scene.

The task force explains that Gump cannot be disqualified since the rules of the contest state that each contestant must fill out a multiplication table, but do not state that the table must be filled out correctly. A representative from the ACLU points out that it would be discrimination to disqualify Gump merely because he is cerebrally differentially-abled and has chosen to expand his horizons beyond the traditional Western concepts of mathematics.

Tayback gives in and declares Gump the winner. Unfortunately, no one told Gump to stop running so he has now disappeared into the distance never to be seen again. I love a happy ending.

- Dr. Dave

The first thing we have to remember here is that Forrest DOES have a college education, so perhaps he may be able to do the multiplication. I'd hate to think that his mom slept with the principal for nothing. But, the scenario is that Jenny comes, mentally abuses Forrest, yet again. Forrest then tries to count how many times they were like "peas and carrots," and inadvertantly completes the multiplication table in the process, sees Jenny, who JUST HAPPENS to be beyond the finish line, and in a blaze of light and sparks is there in about 4.5 seconds. MEANWHILE, Rain Man is muttering something like, "Forrest Gump ran 4 times around the country, that 12000 miles, 19857.56 meters, 20387 furlongs..." or some utter garbage like that. Forrest Gump in 10 minutes.

- John Hogg

Gump isn't as stupid as some may think -- he graduated from Alabama AND was a varsity football player. He would simply ask Rain Man for the answers, then pick Dustin up and carry him over the finish line. Vic Tayback would be overcome with emotion and give both of them a Mel's Burger.

It's the Web's feelgood hit of the year!

BLomica

There is of course the slight possibility that the two get into a conversation of sorts, which would disorient and frighten Gump, and may entertain Rain Man. But I'll assume no talking is part of the rules.

So,       mini-Ditka in 3.42 femtoseconds
          Gump in       6    minutes
          Rain Man            dead (sees car, wants to drive, gets run over)

- Peter Waxman

This is basically a no-brainer. That's mainly because Gump has no brain. Even with all the angst-attacks, Rain Man is going to make some progress, whereas Gump will never get the multiplication table filled in. I doubt if he'd even do it if he got Rain Man's completed one to copy from.

Nope, Gump's only chance is if some passing stranger shoots Rain Man, or runs him over. Knowing Gump's incredibly good luck, this is bound to happen, but, even if he's horribly mutilated and wounded, Rain Man's going to keep stumbling along muttering away and cursing his bad fortune, and he's certainly not the sort of chap who'd drop dead *before* he crosses the finish line, so he'll win even if it kills him.

End Of Story.

Matt

This one will never get started. Gump's mother never explained to him how to do multiplication because chocolate was way too damn important. I see a frustrated Gump trying to impress Vic by continuously running the 100 yard dash for several months while Raymond, lured by the ever enchanting Vanna, plows the tables and the dash just in time for dinner.

Gump's got a ba-zillion screaming fans to back him up (he's used to stadiums) which will only confuse Rain Man further. All ol' Ray has is clean underwear and a smart-ass brother. If Forrest can say how many choc-lates remain in a box, he can be forced to do the math. And God knows once he learns to do something he never forgets. Finally, Gump mania means cash--cash that can be used to bribe Vic whose desire for a Nordic-Track surpasses even his desire to judge the contest fairly.

Gump by six ping-pong balls and a chewy caramel.

--Torey L.

I voted for Forrest because if he wins, he'll give me a chocolate. Rain Man will just drool on me.

-ebedgert

Gumps got it in the bag because Liddy and Haldeman will break into the room containing the math problem the week before, spend the next few days solving it and then have Gump memorize it for the competition. Its the least they owe Forest for making them household names and not just petty unknown crooks!

- Scott Mandel

I have to go with Gump. Think about it, while Gump is distracted by the multiplication table, a passer-by will ask him a question, and Gumps reply will inadvertantly lead to the invention of the hand calculator, By the time that the calculator goes through R&D and production, Raymond would have long wondered off in search of fishsticks, and Gump eventually wins.

- Chris Gannon

Gump wins easily. See, I'm not voting for the wussy Gump of the movie, but the serious butt-kicking, well-hung, girlfriend screwing, foul-mouthed ex-marine combat vet of the book. Gump jumps up from that table, beats the living shit out of Rain Man, trashes the entire area, lays down covering fire over the judges, and runs off with the prize. No contest.

-George E. Nicholas Benedictine College

This battle of non-wits offers all kinds of challenging obstacles. For this contest to be decided before the millenium runs out, the participants will need seconds (like an old-fashioned duel). Rain Man will have the ever sneaky Tom Cruise (sans-fangs) and Forrest will have his momma, Sally Field.

The contest starts at Vic Tayback's (aka Mel) signal. Rain Man will take one look at the 10x10 table and will say all the answers so fast he will appear to be speaking in tounges. Forrest, meanwhile, will calmly grab his Peach-colored Crayola (tm) and begin to fill in the squares, one at a time. This is where the seconds come in: Cruise will tell Raymond that he must write down the answers and not shout them out. Raymond will grudginly oblige and be done in about 67.4 seconds. Mel will take a good long look at Rain Man's answers and let him proceed to the next event.

Meanwhile, in Gumpy's corner, momma Field will calmly tell Forrest that he can't color the boxes, he must fill them in with the right answer. Such complex instructions will be received with a patented Gump-stare (tm). Forrest will try to submit his first attempt and Mel will say: "One times one does not equal chocolate, you dingy! You're worse than Vera at the diner." Field will try to curry Mel's favors by offering herself to him and shouting; "You want me! You really, really want me!". To no avail, Mel's heart will always belong to Alice; Forrest must complete the math.

Once away from the table, Rain Man will start wandering in all directions, except the one that leads to the finsih line. Cruise will try everything to direct Raymond in the right direction; to no avail. Raymond wants to do some driving and the damn Porshe is in the shop because it fell into the lake when Lestat was driving in his underwear and sunglasses. In desperation Cruise tries to lure Rain Man to the finish line by telling him there are chocolate-covered shrimp at the finish line. Gump's head snaps up and he dashes to the finish line in 2.68 seconds (knocking over everyone on the Field - who was already lying down), looking for the reward. Since he left the table without completing the math portion of the event, Mel has no choice but to disqualify Gump and declare Rain Man the winner by default. Nobody said it was going to be pretty.

Weeks later Gump, devastated by his disqualification, is arrested on the White House lawn allegedly looking for a place to pee. As the winner of the competition, Rain Man gets to meet Vanna White in Hollywood. They fall madly in love and escape to Sesame Street, where they live happily ever after.

HotBranch!

one:  he can walk a straight line, it's his head that is off kilter.
two:  he can do the multiplication tables in about two seconds.
        disclaimer:  just don't ask him to write it down.
three:  Gump will never, NEVER finish that multiplication table.
        Instead, he will end up daydreaming about something, wondering
        why these multiplication tables are so hard and why can't everyone
        do them as fast as Rain Man.  Next thing is, naturally to 
        make a system that does that.
        And thus Windows was born.

-chris moore

Rain Man, because if Tom Cruise had even half a brain cell he'd put the far superior Rain Man in his best "Tootsie" dress for the event.

Forrest would be distracted by the strange bulge on the sequinned-starlett dress round Rain(wo)man's nether regions, be forced by a moronic scriptwriter to quote some facetious Gumpism, such as "Life is like a dog turd sandwich etc etc...", and by the time the drawling Forrest had finished that sentence the hero of the day Rain Man could have staggered to Poland and back in his high heels.

-mike

IF GUMP AND RAINMAN ARE FIGHTING IT OUT IN A SUNNY FIELD THERE IS NO WAY EITHER WILL SURVIVE . IT'S SPAGER SEASON . (FOR THOSE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT SPAGERS ARE THEY ARE SMALL HAIRY BIRDS THAT WERE CREATED WHEN HARRY NOODLE , A MAD SCIENTIST WHO SPENDS HIS LIFE IN THE PARK NEAR 57TH STREET CREATING GENETIC MUTANTS. WELL HARRY DECIDED TO CROSS A SPARROW WITH A BADGER , THE RESULT WAS A SMALL HAIRY BIRD WITH A TALENT FOR MASS DESTUCTION.) GUMP AND RAINMAN ( MAYBE TOM CRUISE TOO ) WILL DIE WHEN THE PREVIOUSLY HIBERNATING SPAGERS AWAKEN AND DEVOUR EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

[This person is truly disturbed. He fits in well here. - Ed]

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