World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Backa-wacka wow, wakka wakka, backa-wacka wow

"Hi, this is Bob, along with my esteemed colleague Bob, LIVE from The Forum (tm) in Los Angeles, California for the third and deciding game in the battle for The President's Cup, the highest prize in Roller Derby! So, Bob, what do you make of tonight's match-up?"

"Well, Bob, it doesn't get any better than this. Tonight's battle will be a test of endurance, speed, experience, strength, and brute force. And no one in the country has better combinations of those than our two teams meeting here tonight. I just spoke with Reuben, the Partridge Coach, and he says his troops are pumped and ready to go. I haven't been able to talk to Sam, however, as he closed his locker room to the press after that incident last week, but we all know that the Brady's will be fired up. The crowd's going wild; it's gonna be a great one, Bob."

"Thank you for those superficial and non-committal comments, Bob. I'd like to add that things could get interesting with a tough draw at referee. Tom Arnold & Roseanne will really stay on top of things tonight. So let's take it down to rinkside and to Steve and Brian for their in-depth analysis and predictions!"

Brady Bunch Partridge Family

The Brady Bunch

vs.

The Partridge Family

The Commentary

STEVE: Well Brian, this match-up was a long time in coming, but it's worth it. And I'm glad it's not one of those sissy "Battle of the Bands" scenarios that seem so prevalent lately. This promises to be a Roller Derby match for the ages.

Brian, I just came from the locker room after an interview with Coach Sam "The Butcher" Franklin. And I have to say that the underdog Partridges could really pull off an upset victory if they play up to their potential today. The Bradys, who are playing with some absences, are unusually weak. According to Sam, two of the team's superstars are unable to play today. The team captain, Mike Brady, had to leave at the last minute to find his lost architect plans somewhere on a roller coaster in Ohio. And the aggressive Cindy Brady is unavailable due to being at a threesome photo session which she couldn't reschedule. This leaves both Laurie and Danny Partridge with openings in a vulnerable Brady defense, which could allow them to score.

The Partridges are looking pumped up and ready to play today. Danny's boxing career has him ready for this match. Keith's all fired up, and ... Wait! What's this? Shirley Partridge has rummaged through Mrs. Brady's duffle bag and found a bottle of Wesson (tm) oil! Shirley is covering herself in its slippery cholesterol-free goodness! She'll be so slick that they won't be able to stop her! The presence of oil (and thus fat) has drawn the attention of Roseanne, who's telling Shirley she must remove the oil. Shirley has flipped her off and is now lacing up her skates. Roseanne is trying to eject Shirley, but Shirley has no intention of going anywhere. This match is heating up before it's begun!

BRIAN: No question those two absences will hurt the Brady's, Steve, but there are two more absences which will help them. MRI's confirmed this week that the injury Tracy suffered in the semis against the Ingels was, in fact, a torn ACL, and she's gone for the season. Plus, Jan still hasn't recovered from that traumatic babysitting experience several months ago. The match-up of Carol, Marcia and the three boys against Shirley, Keith, Danny, Chris, and Laurie heavily favors the Brady's!

But aside from that, I just don't think the Partridges have come to play tonight. First off, you've got Laurie with her face in those legal briefings instead of studying game strategies. Then, you've got Shirley skating around tentatively in that "Caution! Nervous Mother Skating" T-shirt. Not exactly something to instill confidence on the team. And now she's covered in cooking oil. This shows a lack of experience on her part, Steve. She might slip through the defense, if she ever got to the defense; if her kids can't grab ahold of her arm to sling her forward, she's got no chance.

Plus, talking with Danny and Keith just a few moments ago, I get the feeling that a whole lotta lovin' is what they'll be bringin' into the rink tonight. Well, unfortunately for them, the Brady's will be bringin' elbows. And I don't think beating up on Donny Osmond is going to help Danny against Greg, the Brady Enforcer. It's clear to me that the Brady's are into this more than the Partridges, and that will just be amplified by the pro-Brady crowd here tonight. Not too surprising, though, considering the Brady resurgence the past few years with their movies while the Partridge Family is lucky to get re-runs on Nick at Nite (tm). This town loves the Bradys! [Crowd begins to cheer] Hey, Los Angeles! Who do you love?! [The Brady's!!] Who's #1? [The Brady's!!] Who's gonn-

STEVE: Folks! A "terrible" accident has just occurred! It seems that somehow a folding chair struck Brian in the back of the head and flipped him over the railing. Just like in Star Trek! A few fans threw him back into the rink, and it appears that the skaters are mostly managing to avoid running him over during their warmup laps. While he's coming to, I want to talk with Reuben Kincaid, manager of the Partridge Family team. So Reuben, I understand you have a secret weapon which will defeat the Brady family tonight?

Reuben: Yes Steve, tonight the Brady Family is certain to lose. At great expense I have had the infamous Cursed Tiki (tm) brought back from it's sacred resting place in Hawaii, and have secretly planted it among the Brady's belongings in a place where they will never find it. It's bad luck will insure their downfall. Just moments ago, a tarantula was spotted crawling out of Alice's duffle bag.

STEVE: It sounds like you have this victory all but wrapped up. With the powers of darkness working for you, it doesn't seem like you could lose. Ahh, I see Brian has collected himself. Brian, are you all right? Oh my! You've torn your WWWF Network jacket! That'll be coming out of your pay, mister.

BRIAN: What?! Who are you?! Why's that woman so shiny? Whoa! Steve? Hi, I'm back now. Boy, that was a stroke of bad luck there. Wonder how that happened.

Reuben: Maybe it's that Cursed Tiki. Maybe it's bad luck for everybody and not just the Brady's. Oh, no. What have I done-- AAUUGH!!

BRIAN: Ewww!! Well, that's what he gets for not wearing a helmet. Anyway, this apparent voodoo curse definitely favors the Brady's, Steve. With voodoo comes freak injuries, and that's when depth becomes important. The Brady's have Alice available if one of the starters gets injured, and there's always the chance that Mike could make it back by halftime. The Partridges have no subs: Snake's in Africa doling out food to Sally Struthers kids, and I don't think Mister Partridge will be showing up anytime soon. We're a couple of loose railings and hard elbows away from a Partridge forfeit.

And, again, it all comes down to attitude. "C'mon get happy"? I'd even wager to say that The Partridges are here mainly to get some publicity for their upcoming Uruguayan tour rather then to actually win this match. Well, if they sing for any more than 5 seconds, expect Roseanne to grab her crotch, spit, and then beat them silly with the Gatorade (tm) cooler. In contrast, the Brady's are just plain mean. Six kids and one bathroom will do that to a family. And if Sam has brought along any of his meat chopping devices... well, let's just say it could be worse than Rollerball. I see the Brady's clinching it by halftime. For Steve, I'm Batman; now back to Bob & Bob for the play-by-play.

Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this or a similar match-up.

For Brady Bunch and Partridge Family links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

The Brady Bunch (922)

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The Partridge Family (474)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

The lights drop and the crowd releases a deafening roar as the two teams roll out into the arena. They take a few warmup laps, the Partridges in uniform brown and white, the Bradys in full 70's Groovy Regalia(tm). The whistle blows and it immediately becomes clear both teams are interested in only one thing: blood. Swooping in behind the Partridges, Greg and Peter pick up their expendable brother and hurl him at the unsuspecting Chris, sending both straight over the railing. But the Partridges will not be intimidated. Laurie deftly snags a football tossed in by the quick-thinking Reuben, spins a 360 and drills Marcia square in the nose, leaving her collapsed on the track wailing "My nose, my nose!". Confidence rising, Danny locks up with Peter mano-a-mano counting on his aforementioned boxing skills to get him through. But he has gravely underestimated the power of the Lucky Punch(tm), and with one blow Peter sends this Partridge back to the locker room lisping "Shally shells sheshells by the sheshore".

Shirley, lubed-up Partridge matriarch, {after seeing her family manhandled is filled with the Rage(tm) and} sends a greased elbow straight into Carol's temple. Little does she know Carol and Mike have been lighting up in Greg's Happenin' Attic Pad(tm) and with one flick of a Bic(tm) on her oiled up body a roast Partridge goes flailing into the middle of a track, colliding with the Connors and starting a grease fire of biblical proportions. All eyes turn to Keith and Greg. Greg, busy hitting on groovy chick(tm) Laurie, gets hammered to the floor. Enraged, he gets up, tears off his uniform revealing... Johnny Bravo! Calling forth such Mentos-level coolness(tm) seals victory for the Bradys and a year's supply of tarantula repellant.

- Steve L.

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

I realize that everyone wants the Bradys to win. The brady's are so wholesome and kind. Many don't realize that the match will be decided before anyone even steps into the ring. First, mental toughness will definately be in favor of the Partridge family. Everyone knows that Mr Brady is a 'cake boy,' this fact will psyhologically weaken the Brady's muscleman Greg; Greg's dubious sexuality will enevitably effect his aggressiveness. Result: Danny, secure in his masculinity, will 'bitch slap' (tm) Greg so hard he'll give up roller derby altogether and begin writting a column for The Village Voice (tm).

Another aspect of the battle that can't be looked over, is pre-fight readiness. How did both families reach the arena? The Brady's had to drive that piece of shit, green station wagon, that Greg couldn't even stop in time to avoid that egg (the memory of his failure will surely weaken the brady's key player {further}). Traveling by station wagon is tiring and cramped. The partridges, on the other hand, will be cruising in style in that bad-ass (tm) Love Bus (tm) of theirs. In addition to traveling in comfort, the Partridge family is used to road trips; the Brady's are used to sitting at home, fanning their asses on that astro-turf (tm) lawn of theirs.

- Tiger

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Gotta go partridge on this one. Why? Even though right now they're getting the ol' one-two in the votes, anyone with a clear (or significantly diseased) mind will go with the Partridges. The family that plays together stays together. When was the last time you saw the Bradys really roughing it? The Partridges split a hamburger for the whole family and still played a concert later! That kind of teamwork and selflessness alone is enough to win. The Bradys only hope, Jan, is gone. Too bad, for she possessed the Rage(tm).

Now, look at the Partridge lineup:
Shirley: well, ok, sort of a weak link. But she drives that bus like she means it.
Keith: His tactic will be to look cute as the Bradys adore him (men included, they're a bunch of poofters). The Bradys will NOT be able to concentrate.
Susan Dey (don't remember the character name): She played a lawyer. Lawyers are NO strangers to playin' dirty pool. Roller Derby players are also NO strangers to playin' dirty pool. 'Nuff said.
Danny: Hey, after listening to him on WLUP here in Chicago for a couple of years, I can attest to the fact that he's an unadulterated scumbag. He'll do anything it takes to win and get some from his lovely wife(tm), Gretchen. Besides, he kicked Donny Osmond's ass and the toothy one is still whining about it.

The other kids are worthless, just like they were in the band. Well, the one kid was the drummer, but let's face it, he was no Gene Krupa.

Oh, and besides, Reuben Kincaid was their manager. Ever see a sleazier line of work than managing a band? No doubt he has some other Secret Weapons(tm) that he hasn't mentioned.

So, while the Bradys are washing off their Wesson and picking up their teeth with the hopes that they can be reimplanted, the Partridges play a rousing concert, with a new song: "Hey, I think I kicked ass."

- Sluggo at UIC

The factors which will lead the Brady Bashers to victory are as obvious as the broken nose on Marsha's face:

1) Teamwork: remember the architectural-plans-in-the-tube relay in the amusement park? Speed, co-ordination, pushing themselves beyond the reasonable limits of teen-age endurance: this is the stuff of victory.

2) The "Honey" factor: Who has the greater number of babes on their team? Who wouldn't like to be run over by Marsha and Carol, not to mention what Cindy is capable of doing to a man. The male contingent of the Partridge team will be reduced to drooling, hormone-hamstrung roadkill.

3) Athleticism: A quick rundown of the Brady sports achievements--
Greg: football star
Peter: boxing champ (beat the snot out of that bully who teased his sister)
Bobby: teeter-totter... hmm, well... it, uh, shows good balance.

4) Mascot: The Brady's have Tiger (and in a pinch, they can bring in that little blonde-haired bastard cousin (Name?) who made the show unwatchable and who will have the same nausea-inducing effect on the Partridges)

- Marsha's Slave (prizm1@erols.com)

The first thing the teams do is join forces to throw Tom and Roseanne over the rail, where Sam and Reuben give them the business. (The more I live through the 90s, the more I'm nostalgic for *any* other decade!) That done, the families get down to business, but it doesn't last long.

The first time Shirley Partridge goes down, she stays down, too slippery with Wesson to regain her footing. Danny is easily handled by Carol Brady; he has a history of losing scuffles with anybody in women's clothing. Laurie starts complaining about all the fouling, but this is no place for a rulebook lawyer. Over the rail she goes. No appeal. By this time, Alice has begun handing out various kitchen implements to passing teammates, and the thrashing that ensues is terrible, though mercifully brief.

Now for a rousing chorus of "I Woke Up In Traction This Morning"!

- Call me Shane

P.S. How'd I ever get mixed up with you loonies?

The Brady's will be whooping some tail until Mr. Brady comes out and tells all the kids to just calm down and get along. And then Danny Bonaducci (sp) (tm?) gets out of rehab and snorts a gram of coke and beats up everyone, including Sam the butcher. Alice falls in love with Danny and there are little Bonaduccis all over the frigging place. Decision: Partridge.

- JohnnySchwa

Are you kidding? This is a no brainer. The Bradys in a wipe out. Take a look at Alice. Get a load of the shoulders on that broad! Not to mention her sweaty, slavic boyfriend Al. Those two have been training the Brady kids for years. You talk about festering Rage(TM), these two have tons of it and you can bet they spilled all of it on their young charges. Not only that, but the Brady kids always had cool guests. Tell me, did the Partridge kids get to hang out with the likes of Joe Namath? I don't think so. Joe Willie not withstanding, the Partridge kids just rode around in that flaky yellow bus all the time singing to each other, while their mother made fish eyes at her weak kneed agent/boyfriend and his bad suits. NOT a receipe for success in a good ol' fashioned roller derby rrrruuummmbbbbllleee!

No, its like Musolinni said, 'give me a child until the age of seven and he's mine forever'. The Bradys upbringing combined with Alice's Spartan Conditioning (TM) (not to mention a few butchering tools supplied by Al) will carry the day.

- The Brunkster

Let the Games Begin! Ten bloodthirsty rounds of dripping retro '70's mayhem.
*******************************************
ROUND 1. MIKE & CAROL vs. SHIRLEY PARTRIDGE

"Nervous Mother Skating", synonymous with "I can handle any crisis. I have children." Yeah, yeah, so do Mike and Carol, but remember that, as the "nice family next door," they ride around in a dorky station wagon. Shirley comes barrelling in a psychedelic monster school bus on loan from a Janis Joplin LoveFest (and probably just as stoned). Score point for the Partridges.

ROUND 2. HOLDING PENALTY AGAINST GREG AND MARCIA BRADY

Greg and Marcia, having been out on a date the night before (don't even THINK about going there), get penalized for illegal holding. Score default point for the Partridges.

ROUND 3. DANNY vs. MARCIA

[POW]...OH, MY NOSE, MY NOSE!!!!! Score point for the Partridges.

ROUND 4. YET ANOTHER PENALTY: CINDY BRADY

Cute little impressionable Cindy gets expelled for [gasp] saying the "B" WORD!! No point for the Partridges, but no help for the Bradys, either.

ROUND 5. JAN vs. CHRIS and the little Partridge Tambourine Girl:

Now JAN just MIGHT have a little RAGE (tm) going for her. Jealous that Greg's got the hots for "Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA" instead of her, she regresses into psychotic babysitting flashbacks and starts beating up on Chris and the little Partridge Tambourine Girl. Score point for the Bradys (just to alleviate well-founded suspicions that I possess gross anti-Brady bias).

*** HALF-TIME ***

Roseanne sees this as her opportunity to exact revenge on the United States of America for banishing her from the field after that rousing rendition of "Oh Say, Can You Screech." How, you ask? YOU try sitting through Roseanne's rehash of "Come On, Get Happy." Eeeeewwwww!!!!

*** AND, we're back with ROUND 6. GREG vs. KEITH

Thousands of babes line the Plexi-glass, chanting something strangely post-apocalyptic: "TWO MEN ENTER...ONE MAN LEAVES..." Taking hints from little brother Peter...

GREG: Hey, Keith, those girls really want you bad.
KEITH: Really? [takes mike from Tom Arnold] "HEYYYYY, I think I love you!..."
[Splash][BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTT]
GREG: Groovy, man!
PETER: Thanks, Greg! I couldn't get a date last night, so I stayed in my room and played with my chemistry set. Did you know water is an excellent conductor of electricity?
GREG: Really? Shocking, isn't it?

Well, OK, score point for the Bradys -- no, WAIT A MINUTE, here!

ROUND 7: PENALTY AGAINST GREG AND PETER BRADY

Laurie, on Spring Break from law school in L.A., witnesses the untimely demise of her brother and the flaunting of really bad Brady humor. She calls a technical foul on the grounds that "We Don't Need Another Brady" and immediately has Greg and Peter ejected from the rink. Deduct point from Brady score.

ROUND 8. LAURIE vs. BOBBY:

This will be a battle of the minds. A lawyer pitted against the boy who would be Sherlock Holmes. Elementary, my dear Watson. She simply hands him her detective kit, complete with magnifying glass, roller- blades in front of him so as to let him get a good close-up look at the Body of Evidence...

BOBBY: ooh YEAH, baby!!!! Dy-no-mite!!!!!
LAURIE: No kiddin', Sherlock! [WHOOSH-SLAMMM!]
BOBBY: wahhh-hahhhhhhhh...I want my mommy....wahhhhh...
She suddenly swerves to the side, allowing poor Sherlock to slam face- first into the wall. Score a rather "bloody" point for the Partridges ...and someone call Bobby's orthodontist.

ROUND 9. FLORENCE vs. REUBEN

REUBEN: You look mah-velous, dahling. And you skate di-VAHNE-ly.
FLORENCE: tee-hee...Oh, you kid. You say the sweetest things. You're not trying to pick me up now, are you? I mean...[blushes]... the kids are watching.
REUBEN: Come roll away with me, my lovely...[sweeps her off her feet]
FLORENCE: Wheeeeeeee [SNAP] OHHHHHH, my back...it's out again...oh [BLEEEEP]!!! [BLEEEEP]!!! You [bleeeeeep]! [BLEEEEEEEEP]!!!! (This is a '70's family, remember?) Score point for the Partridges.

AND NOW, the FINAL ROUND...the one that will DECIDE THE MATCH:

ROUND 10: TIGER the Dog vs. the CARTOON PARTRIDGES

As Danny starts a screaming guitar rendition of "Highway to the Danger Zone" (since he lacks creativity and originality and thus couldn't write any real music of his own), the Cartoon Partridges emerge from their eggshells and assume formation above the hapless mongrel. They then proceed to strafe the fleeing pup and release their birdie-ammo before going in for the kill.

SPLAT SPLAT...aaaarrroooooooo...splut SPLAT...GRRRRrrrrrr...arfarfarf SKREEE SKREEEE SKREEE [peck][peck][peck]...YIPEYIPEYIPEyipeyipe...

TRANSLATION: Partridge: The Final Omen.
*********************************************
FINAL SCORE...Partridge Family: 6...Bradys: 0

- The Genius Formerly (and still) Known as Eddie

Let me put it this way: I'm sick of the Brady Bunch. I'm sick of their movies, I'm sick of their reruns, I'm sick of their smash Broadway plays. I resent being twentysomething simply because it places me in the Brady demographic. I even despise the word "bunch" in casual conversation. I usually try not to base my conclusions on that (or at the least, hide that intention wih clever rhetoric), but I really, really hate those nine demonspawns with a passion the average person normally reserves for Barney.

Of course, I'm no big fan of the Partridge Family, but I never got around to learning to hate them. What will this have to do with the outcome? Look for me in the rafters of the roller derby rink, shotgun in hand and only enough ammo for one family.

- Jim Smith

I'll have to go with The Brady Bunch here. As a team, they're so much more willing to work together. Case in point: The Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs play-in-the-back-yard episode. If they didn't know how to work as a team, that thing never would have come off. Also, Marcia will kick Laurie's groovy tush. The eldest Brady daughter did, after all, take judo lessons in that episode where she signed up for every club in her new school. As for Christopher Partridge: which Chris are we talking about here? The one played by Jeremy Gelbwaks or the one by Brian Forster? Also, at what age are each of the kids in both families? Is it early-years Bradys vs. early-years Partridge, or late against late, or some sick combination of the two? Also, what about Oliver? Don't ever forget about cousin Oliver. If the Bradys bring him on, it's curtains for that travellin' band.

- mushmouth

Well, there is no doubt in my mind as to who the winner of this roller derby match up will be. The Brady's are going to walk...sorry, roll, all over the Partridge's for one very simple reason. The Brady's have THE CLOUT (tm), yes, that infamous quality that has helped so many contestants on Grudge Match (tm) over the top. The Partridge's don't have all that Hollywood marketing under their belts, all they can manage is a spot on MUCH MUSIC (a fiercely Canadian tv-station), but The Brady's have two hit movies under their belt, and this adds THE CLOUT(tm) to their performance. I predict that The Brady's will win by the time the tenth lap is over.

- Eeyore

Okay, I voted for the Brady's, but I changed my mind after I saw the following happen:

1) Donny Osmond, pissed off by the downfall of his career and the appearance of his arch-enemy, Danny, leaps from the crowd and ambushes the object of his hatred. Both are dragged away from the arena, only to re-appear later on an episode of Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast. Point for the Brady Bunch.

2) Jan Brady gets involved in the worse of the tussle, single-handedly knocking two Partridges to the rink floor, and becomes infected with THE RAGE. But this has terrible consequences for her family - she recalls the jealousies of her youth, and with a blood-curdling, gutteral cry of "MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA!" pummels her older sister into a wheeled corpse, leaving the entire Brady team in awe and fear and allowing the Partridges time to catch up. Point for the Partridge family.

3) The action comes to a race between Shirley Partridge, slicked by the Wesson oil, and Mrs. Brady, squabbling and scrapping their way to the finish line. It looks like the Bradys all the way as Shirley is knocked to her feet... but the oil coating lets her slide across the finish line first, beating her nemesis by a foot and gaining herself the Wesson Oil advertising campaign for life (as well as some lusty cheers from rather libidinous older males). Match point for the Partridges!

- The Bunyip

I think the Bradys have this one well in hand. The powers of darkness unleashed by Ruben with that silly Tiki have nothing on Mike Brady's alter-ego. That's right...Sheriff Lucas Buck. It seems that Lucas was responsible for the overwhelming success enjoyed by the Partridge Family band, and all he asked in return was a simple favor some time in the future. He's cashing in tonight, baby!

- Loyal Citizen of Trinity

Greg fits the jacket; and Keith is a wuss. Keith was terrified of "Snake" (Rob Reiner), Laurie's would-be boyfriend. If the Partridges have any hope, it is because Danny has beaten Donny Osmond in the boxing ring, which proves.... nothing. Danny is just a fat wuss. Also, Bobby kicked spine in defense of Cindy's "baby talk" -- I'm not aware of any Partridge kicking any spine for anyone. In defense of the Partridges, Rueben alone would have no problem bringing a foreign object into the battle. The willingness to cheat counts for a lot in a grudge match. Nevertheless, he is only a coach. Even cheating can't save the Partridges.

- Eric

Brady family after two minutes, eighteen seconds. Why? Two reasons: All that sexual frustration caused by the fact that all the Brady kids are hitting puberty at the same time thinking, "Hey we aren't BIOLOGICALLY related, after all... But..." plus I figure on the untimely appearance of their goofy cousin Oliver (I bet you forgot him!) that will swing the match into the Bradys' favor. With the combination of raging (or Raging. Bradys have THE RAGE!!!) hormones and chaos-child Oliver, the merely groovy Partridges will be thrown over the rails VERY quickly. Oh yeah, never mind that Alice slipped PCP into the pre-match meal of the Brady family. Yeah, it's really illegal, but that's grudge matches for you...

- Ex-Raven

Here's a story
of a skating frenzy.
That will turn out to be somewhat of a brawl.

Those damn Partridge kids
who'll "make you happy"
are sure to take a fall.

Here's a story
of the roller derby
Where the Brady clan is sure to kick some butt

I mean, for God's sake
look at Bonaduce
Is he a wimp or what?

'Til the one day when Team Partridge met the Bradys
And we all knew that it would be a rout.
Greg and Jan, and Mike and Marsha
kicked Partridge ass beyond the shadow of a doubt.

The Brady Bunch...
Make bones go "Crunch"

That's the way they made the Partridges go "Crunch".

(Starring Ann B. Davis as Alice, team mascot)

- Dave 1/2 Nelson

You present an interesting battle this week, but after much deliberation I have to go with the Brady Bunch.

First of all, they have team cohesion. The Brady's are at their best as a collective group and they know it. Even with the gaps in their lineup they still will present a formidable team.

The Partridges meanwhile are musicians, and that means that each of them doubtlessly has their own ego and ambitions to deal with. Because of this, on an individual basis, they are probably better than the Brady's, but as a team they won't have the cooperation necessary to win. To be more specific, let us look at the two keys to the Partridge lineup, Laurie and Danny.

Laurie is undoubtedly the cutest person in the ring, but today this is a liability, not a bonus. All it means is she is going to get the unwanted attention of both Greg and Peter, even before the match begins. Being a sensible girl that already wishes to distance herself from the rest of her loser family, I doubt she will even stick around for the match.

As for Danny, yes he is a terror; an obnoxious, ugly kid that has grown into a bitter, frusterated old man. However, he is going to meet his match today. Jan, knowing she wasn't up to it, has managed to recruit Bart to help take care of Bonnaduce. Bart, possibly feeling guilty about the things he did to Jan, and certainly wanting to take part in the destruction of roller derby as well as destroy Bonnaduce, will certainly be welcomed into the Brady family (established by the Oliver precedent), and he will be more than capable of crushing Danny.

But ultimately it is going to come down to the music anyway (sorry Steve) Once the Partridges begin to lose, they are going to try and start singing, confidant that that will turn the tide. Now, Partridge music is abominable. However, with a few closeups on Laurie, one could probably survive a couple of songs. The Bradys on the other hand, are the worst singers in the history of music. I once had the agony of listening to the Brady's try to sing the greatest song ever made (Don McLean's American Pie). The Partridge music sucked because they were singing insipid songs, but the Brady's were able to desecrate even great songs, and once they start singing it is all over. I no longer fear Hell, because I've heard the Brady's sing American Pie, and with such power behind them, there is no way they can lose.

- Brendan W. Guy

As much as I hate to use an overused motive, I believe that the Brady's will win the match because they have one very important factor in their favor: The Rage (tm). While the Partridge's are all brothers and sisters by birth, the Brady's are "blended." This causes several issues for them that will spell defeat for the Partridge Family:
1. The kids all have same age counterparts, sharing a bathroom, etc. The pent-up frustrations. The near-taboo yearnings they feel as the onset of puberity hits.
2. Their real mom/dad is missing (and presumed dead).
3. They have been thrust together in the hopes that they can somehow form a family.
4. Tiger has been missing for almost 27 years.

The adults have their own problems:
1. Carol has found Mike ... distant ... lately, and uninterested in her, in the Biblical sense.
2. Alice still doesn't have a ring and a date from Sam.
3. Mike has been disturbed and distracted by his ... odd ... attraction to the cut of Sam's jib.
They're mean, and who can blame them? Scratch at the thin vener of the Brady's "perfect family" surface, I believe you will find a ticking time-bomb that the Partridge have no hope of diffusing.

- ElDave

The Bradys will win, but only because Jan will finally get a chance to go postal and take out all her pent up frustrations about Marcia. Otherwise, I would say that neither family would make any headway, and they would all end up singing "Kumbyah" in the middle of the arena, and be beaten to death by the rowdy crowd shortly afterward.

- Danno

The Brady's are a shoo-in. The match-up itself is even, if you think it will be family against family. But, as we all know, Roller Derby, like the WWF (tm), has it's share of special guest stars and this match will be no different.

Who can the Partridges hope to bring to help them in their fight- the skunk? Snake? Laurie's Karate? (nullified by Marcia's Karate anyhow)

The Brady's have an impressive arsenal of guest stars. I submit for your approval

-Hawaiian Legend Don Ho
-Crafty Rustler Jim Backus
-Scary Cave-Dweller Vincent Price
-Football Legend Joe Namath (tm)
-Davy Jones (might sway the female Partridges)
-Los Angeles Dodger (tm) Baseball Star Wes Parker
-That Astronaut guy
Now when you have these combined resources going against the Partridges then you have the makings of a real Butt-Kicking. And, let's face it- Mike Brady is the Architect of this rout!

- xerxes bigziskikos

Well let's face it.... the real losers are going to be the crowd, if the arena plays either group's music during the match. But even though I am gonna go with the Brady's here, there is only one person in either series that fits the bill of the 'bad guy' so vital to roller derby, that being Danny (Bonnaduce) Partridge.... lean, mean, and carrying a big chip on his shoulder. He will be the wrecking ball that takes down the Bradys one by one.

So why do the Brady's win? They have got to be the better 'roller skate' family by a mile! PLUS the perfect boy/girl ratio makes for superior strategy. I say only two of them survive, but Cindy scores the winning pass.

- Kang

Tom and Roseanne look to both sides to make sure the teams are set. The Partridge family is set and so are the Bradys. Little does the Partridge Family know that the Bradys have a secret weapon of their own to be set off when the match seems hopeless. The match is begun! The Partridges and Bradys skate towards and slam into their opponents. Marcia and Laurie go into an all-out hair pulling fight of their own, but Marcia slams Laurie in the gut for trying to ruin her perfect hair. The boys of both sides are really getting into the feeling of all out war, until Greg kicks Keith really hard in the balls, sending him to the floor, moaning in a very high voice. Suddenly, the Partridges start to make a comeback! Shirly and Carol go into their own brawl, which Shirly seems to be winning. It seems hopeless for the Bradys. All of a sudden, Greg's voice comes over the loudspeakers. He's *shudder* SINGING SOLO! The Partridges, Tom, Roseanne, the announcers(Steve and Brian), and everybody else who has an IQ higher than Marcia(Sorry, whoever played Marcia, if you're reading this. You know who you are!) starts to fall victim to this cruel punishment(same apology to actor who played Greg). The Partridges start to hum "Come on, get happy", but it's no use! The Bradys, having lived with Greg and have withstood his singing solo for so long, are immune to this treatment, and proceed to beat the Partridges into submission. They are announced the winners by default!

- Double B

Easy! We can tell the winner by simply analysing scientifically both the family names. First, the Partridge family- now I live in a rural village and I've seen my fair share of Partridges, hell, I've even run over several with my car. They're big rubbish bird like creatures which run under the wheels of vehicles with alarming accuracy, they're stupid, being only rivalled by the duck or pidgeon, they have no prehensile limbs or defense mechanisms except to commit mass suicide.

The Brady on the other hand is a relativally unknown Peruvian Lizard, boasting large fangs and a feirce temperament to match. These beasts are up to fourteen feet long and have savaged large mammals like elephants for decades. In 1986, three US marine divisions were slaughtered by rampant Bradys (though the American army may not be a fair comparison), leaving only three men to tell the tale. In 1994, a Brady escaped from a zoo in Japan, demolishing several skyscapers and avoiding the might of the Japanese kamakazi bombers for four days before finally being killed.

They'res no competion, the Brady will eat the Partridge for breakfast.

- Napoleon

this is a hard one to decide, but after careful scientific analysis,the Partridges will emerge victorious. There are many reasons for this. To begin with, Keith and Danny can be mean and nasty when the occasion calls for it, after all, anybody who would steal and offer their sister's diary for publication are going to pull out all the stops to win this match. Reuben has managed fighters before his career with the Partridges and knows a sure thing when he sees it. This is not withstanding Shirley's marriage to Pac man (tm) as when the going gets tough, he will gobble up whatever Bradys are left. Shirley will undoubtedly also toss a handful of Triscuits (tm) in to further distract the Bradys. Mike will not make the match as he's helping Joe Mannix on another case and then will stop by the hospital after nurse Michael Learned calls him in for an emergency appendectomy on a spectator who became violently ill after hearing Greg (johnny Bravo) singing his "Beanstalks never grew before, ponies never ran before" song. Marcia will be distracted because Davy Jones will make an unsceduled appearance.

- stebet

The Bradys have three important things going for them:

First, as Brian already pointed out, the Bradys have depth. The Partridges start out not just out gunned, but out numbered

And out gunned they certainly are, for the Brady's also have rage on their side. After years of thankless domestic servitude, combined with being the only person in the house with even a semblence of a personality, Alice is only moments away from a meltdown. When she blows, Partridges watch out! But Alice's impending blowup can't compare to the rage we'll see from Greg (Brady that is). Does this guy have serial killer written all over him or what?

But the Brady's major advantage can be summed up in just three letters: PCP. Despite the wholesome image they strive to project on TV, everyone who really knows the Bradys knows that they're a bunch of drugged out freaks. Architectural plans on a roller coaster. Ha. This is a transparent excuse to get Mike out of the way so that Greg and Mrs. Brady could have some quality time alone. As for Jan and Cindy's absences....let's not even go there. But you can bet that a little unauthorized use of the showers won't be the limit of the Bradys' pregame festivities. A little judicious use of recreational pharmecuticals and the Bradys will become a psychotic roller derby machine. All things being equal, the Partridges would need a miricle to beat the Bradys. Against a Brady team whacked out on PCP, it will be a miricle if any of the Partridges manage to stay out of intensive care.

- Greg (not THAT Greg)

To quote Monty Python:

RUN AWAY!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only way WWWF can regain my respect now is if you end this match with all parties involved (To quote again) being killed in nasty ways. I want all of the characters to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have their eyes gouged out, and their elbows broken. To have their kneecaps split, and their bodies burned away, And their limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Brian! Their heads smashed in and their hearts cut out, And their livers removed and their bowels unplugged, And their nostrils raped and their bottoms burned off, etc.

- Shai'tan

I just could not bring myself to vote for either group in this case. Neither of these two wanna be families has a prayer of beating the other. I mean, lets face it, with any threat of a problem, the Partridges will break out singing, and the Bradys will simply break down crying, then each family will sit down and discuss the matter irrationally until the match has expired.

I've gotta say this is a tie, with the real losers being anyone unfortuneate enough to witness the event.

- Robert Oates, University of Michigan Alumni

It's a toss-up on mothers...I think
Florence Henderson out-toughs Shirley Jones, based on her appearance in Shakes the Clown with Bobcat Goldthwait. Shirley Jones is now on the concert circuit and doing PBS specials, which will wimp out the best gorillas. Still, Danny Partridge will kill anyone. And Chris Partridge--he hardly talks, just beats those drums--I think he's a candidate for future serial killer status, and could pound some heads.

- lynnmh

After reading "The Erotic Adventures of the Brady Bunch" Forward i got from one of my Friends, (I don't think i received the last couple pages.) it would seem to me that marcia and Mrs. Brady will be able to distract the Partrige boys, while the Brady men have their way with the Partridge Girls.

If you ever get the chance I would definitely suggest "The Erotic Adventures of the Brady Bunch." Talk about an eye opening Expose.

- Uncle Owen, Tatoonie

Game starts with an early Brady push, but the Partridges have a secret weapon. In the stands, due to the Susan Dey connection, is Harry Hamlin. He tosses a mysterious bag to the first Partridge he sees. The Brady's time is numbered in seconds, as the bag is revealed to contain the severed head of Medusa! With the Bradys turned to statues, a Partridge victory is inevitable.

- Marc Moskowitz

I think everyone here is forgetting one thing...sex. All the fooling around that the Bradys did behind the scenes. All you need is Mrs. Brady telling Greg that he can "get some" if they win, and Greg will be so fired up, you couldn't stop him. Talk about a cold shower...you'd need a snowstorm!

- Jon

It's obvious that this match will be one of the dullest in the history of the WWWF. Since none of the competitors have any real facility for roller derby, it will come pretty close to a tie (unless someone has had the good mind to call in a ringer: probably Brenda Morgenstern and her boyfriend Benny).

But let's not forget the REAL reason for this grudge match. The children are immaterial. What we REALLY want to see is Shirley Jones mixing it up with Florence Henderson. Who would win between these two ladies? It'd be Shirley Jones. Besides having a much better hairdo, Jones has been a success onstage, in film (including an Oscar(tm)!), and on television, while Henderson has been a success only onstage and on television (remember Shakes the Clown, anyone?).

In any case, I suggest demolishing the auditorium while the roller derby is in progress: let's do away with the 70's kitsch while we still can. I hated the 70's when they came around the first time...I'm pretty dang sick of the rerun.

- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold

The crowd goes wild as the two bastions of Television Family Values (tm) and Sickeningly Sweet Goodness (tm) prepare to face off. Then in a horrible display of the Silly Sitcom Happy Ending (tm), they quit just before the starting gun and embrace, promising never again to harm any living creature. All family members are reunited at the victory party and over the next couple of months, they undergo numerous Supportive Bonding Episodes (tm), Convenient Learning Experiences (tm) and Simplistic Moral Lessons (tm). All of this eventually climaxes in a made-for-TV movie special in which both families move to a ranch in Colorado and legally adopt each other in a public ceremony. The Apocalypse (tm) appears inevitable.

Suddenly, the space-time continuum tears and transports the Bradys and Partridges to 72 million years B.C. where they become Today's Special (tm) for a group of hungry T-Rexs. The universe is saved from the Impossible Happiness Paradox (tm), although the resulting indigestion eventually leads to the ultimate extinction of the dinosaurs. But who or what delivered the world from these two families of Certain Doom (tm)???

TIM TAYLOR! WHAT WAS THAT?! AND WHAT did you do to my new microwave?!
I rewired it! You should see how fast this sucker can heat up! It actually glows! You know, I think we could sell this to George Lucas as a special effect! GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!
Okay, "Tool Vader," come to dinner before you hurt someone.
Like what could possibly happen? *ZOT!!!*

Thank goodness for Home Improvement...

- Paul Golba

The outcome is obvious as the Brady's were known for singing their own songs and the Partridge's weren't.

Now, just like then, the Brady's do everything themselves where as the Partridge's would hire someone to play the actual match. Even though the Partrtidge's would "win" the match do to the virtues of having professionals compete for them, they would be disqualified when the Brady's showed the evidence to the judges and a broken and bloody Brady family would go home the victors.

- Draugnar, Lord of the Orcs

At this level the physical matchups are a draw everyone is at peak performance. This will come down to who is more prepared mentally. Now I do not have a lot of Brady/Partridge experience, but I must say in all other TV stories the younger the kids the smarter they are. It is amazing how a 5 year old can point out the obvious to a confused teenager in a heart warming and laugh out-load conclusion to 30 minutes of time well spent. With more young kids this would give the edge to the Brady's. The Brady's also have the maid, she fits the roll perfectly of the next most intelligent in TV land as character who is never in the main story. Now you can argue that one girl in the Partridge grew up to be a lawyer in LA Law, but I would argue that lawyering is not a sign of mental power. Got to go with the Bradys on sheer mental will power.

- Gladi8r

Argh! So many misplaced apostrophes! This match is an obvious set-up, and it is quite clear to me that Steve and Brian have both been replaced by grammar-impaired clones (similar to the Darth Vader robot). Brady's? It's BRADYS.

Presumably the evil aliens who have executed this ploy were unable to grasp the stunning complexity of the English language... As fans of the WWWF Grudge Match, I urge all readers of this post (if it slips past the IMPOSTERS): send a letter to your local congress-person and urge them to persuade the USA to take military action against this perfidious invasion. If we are successful, (and we all know that America know-how overcomes evil technology: see Independence Day or Mom and Dad Save the Earth), then maybe we can rescue Steve and Brian and return to the halcyon days of yore.

YORE! YORE!

- Sorbet Head

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Springfield v. South Park (Hockey)
WKRP v. Sweathogs (Basketball)
Friends v. Seinfeld