World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Young Jan Brady was excited on the way to her first babysitting job. She would finally have money of her own to spend, and also have some time away from her annoying Brady Bunch (tm) family. Unfortunately, it never occurred to her to ask the parents why they got rid of the old babysitter. As she knocked on the door, she was greeted by the parents, who seemed all too eager to get out the door. "Here's the phone number where we can be reached. Also, Calvin has a new friend sleeping over tonight. His name is Bart Simpson. They're all yours! Enjoy!" After that last statement, they rushed into their car and sped off into the night. Jan ventured forth into what she was sure to be a quiet and pleasant evening.

Bart and Calvin had other ideas. In the hours preceding Jan's arrival, Calvin and Bart made a little wager. Whoever got the babysitter to run screaming from the house first got to eat the half gallon of ice cream in the freezer as well as choose TV shows for the rest of the night. Whoever lost had to clean up the mess before Calvin's parents got back. Either way, it's going to be Jan's worst nightmare.

So, Brian, who's going to win this babysitter-bashing competition?

Calvin Bart Simpson

Calvin

vs.

Bart

The Commentary

BRIAN: This is an interesting collecting of psyches we have here: Bart, an over-agressive, weakly imaginative oldest child; Calvin, a lesser agressive, wildly imaginative only child; and Jan, an unstable and downright flaky middle child. If Sigmund Freud were here, he would be able to tell us exactly what would happen and would do so using the word "penis" 37 times. Unfortunately, he's dead. But I'm not, so I'll tell everyone why Bart would win without a single metion of an Oedipus complex.

Calvin thinks he's a terror. From Spaceman Spiff (tm) to T. Rex (tm) to Snow Goons (tm), Calvin has done miraculous and unbelievable things. But the key word there is "thinks". While he is imagining himself as Captain Napalm (tm), he's actually just a small boy stuck in a closet. Bart, on the other hand, IS a terror. He's already turned one babysitter into a basketcase ("Put it down, Bart!"), hogtied another, and sent a third into flashbacks of his previous acts of terror. He's also driven Moe into a murderous rage with nothing but the sound of his voice. Surely, Bart will have Jan so full of sheer terror so quickly that he'll be gulping down ice cream before Calvin can even get a firm grip on Hobbes.

STEVE: As you mentioned, Bart is not the most imaginative boy, and is not the brightest boy either. This will be his downfall. While Bart will be thinking about how to gross her out or how to trick her into leaving, Calvin will attack Jan's big weakness -- her mind. Calvin is just plain weird, and even frightens his own parents. Jan will not be able to handle Calvin's onslaught of creativity, especially given her Brady Bunch origins. Jan will arrive to see snowmen in the front yard holding picket signs reading "Jan Leave Now". A few snowballs may even strike her before she enters the house.

But the wierdness has just begun. A quick game of Calvin-Ball will surely put Jan over the edge. Without a grasp of the many nuances of Calvin-Ball, Jan is surely mincemeat. And the way Calvin is always talking to Hobbes like he's real-- the mere witnessing of such a spectacle is likely to send naive Jan running for home. And of course, if Jan needs to give Calvin a bath, it's a guaranteed victory for Calvin.

And where is Bart throughout all this? Bart started watching TV, and got distracted. He's forgotten all about the contest, thinking that he'll win anyway, like when he ran for class president. Meanwhile, Calvin sweeps the victory from beneath him.

BRIAN: You predict Calvin skills accurately, Steve, but you massively overestimate their power. All those things you mention Calvin doing will merely rattle Jan, not destroy her. Jan isn't that unstable. After all, she was able to survive three annoying brothers and an even more maddening onslaught of polyester for years without having a single nervous breakdown. And what will all of this rattling do? Well, first, it will get Calvin sent to his room. Or are we forgetting how easily Calvin is sent to his room? Second, it will just set the pins up to make it easier for Bart to knock them down.

Calvin is mischievous -- but Bart is evil. Calvin will have to go further than he usually does to make Jan loco. IF he is willing to go that far, he won't realize it time. Bart has it in his genes. We're talking about a kid that set Homer's tie on fire 15 seconds after he was born! That's pure evil! Calvin doesn't have the experience and, more importantly, he just doesn't have it in him to do what is necessary to win. He'll have 1,000 fantasies involving Jan being blown up, eating, transmorgrified, etc., but that's exactly what they will be: fantasies!

And to suggest Bart would be distracted by TV! Ha! The episode you reference is foolishly irrelevent as he was never interested in being class president; he was interested in popularity. He let his guard down in regards to the election, but never the popularity. He stayed focused on the true task at hand. Watching TV won't get him the ice cream...and he knows it. I tell you that boy is EEEE-VVVIIILLLL!!

STEVE: Nice try, but there is another force at work here which will insure Calvin's victory. Bart is a Simpson. The Simpson family has some sort of genetic defect which precludes them from winning anything. Although it might appear that they've actually won sometimes, it always turns out that they've lost after all. For instance, Stampy the elephant was won by Bart, but turned out to be disastrous. Homer won tickets to the Candy Industry Trade Show, but ended up being accused of sexual harrassment after the Gummi Venus de Milo incident. The list goes on and on. And that doesn't even include the times when they just outright lose from the start. If there's one thing the Simpsons are good at, it's losing. With a track record like that, how can Bart possibly win this wager? Calvin will wind up on the couch, with ice cream in one hand, and the remote control in the other. End of story.

The Results

Bart (857)

defeats

Calvin (854)

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Voter Comments

Response of the Week (tm)

This is truly an epic battle, with each character bringing their own unique idiom to the fray. Unfortunately, due to space limitations, budget constraints, and a few pending lawsuits, we can only provide a few key scenes:

As a commercial break interrupts the Monkees Reunion special, Jan decides to grab a snack. Pony-tail waving behind her, she walks obliviously to the kitchen. Little does she realize Calvin lies in wait with his patented slush ball. He takes aim, cocks his arm, and >POW<. The snowball is knocked from his hand by a small projectile. He turns and finds Bart Simpson loading another pebble into his slingshot. "Good thing I stole this from Dennis Mitchell this morning," laughs Bart.

Calvin hadn't planned on a direct confrontation with Bart, but he's not going to sit idly by. He pulls out his transmogrifier gun and levels it at the yellow-skinned boy. Bart, like most people, mistakes it for a simple dart-gun, and bolts from the room. Calvin fires and misses, hitting the sofa instead. "Drat," he thinks, "Do I chase him or get the babysitter? I can't be at two places at once. Or can I?" With a devious grin, he runs up the stairs, past the giant slug covered in doilies and throw pillows.

Jan gets out the bread and peanut butter.

In his room, Calvin drags the duplicator from his closet. Setting the ethicator to "morally lax", he jumps in. >BOINK< Out pop two Calvins. "This looks like a job for Stupendous Man!" "First we have to find Simpson", argues the other, "and for that you'll need me, Tracer Bullet!"

Meanwhile, Bart has snuck into the kitchen with an iguana stolen from the neighborhood geek. "Once she gets a look at Quincy, she'll freak!" But as the iguana approaches her, her swaying hair and insipid humming of "Daydream Believer" puts the slow-witted animal to sleep, and it curls up in the pantry. "Doh!"

Jan gets a butter knife from the utensil drawer.

...

Bart bolts out the door, hops on his skateboard, and zooms down the hill, the swarm of bees hot on his trail. Calvin chases after him on foot, but realizes he'll never catch up, and goes back for transportation. His F-14 still has glue smeared on the windshield, and a broken throttle. Spiff's gleeming red spaceship is in the garage, but so is Calvin's two-wheeler, waiting to pounce on him. He settles for his trusty wagon.

Jan spreads peanut butter on the toasted bread.

By this time Bart has prepared for Calvin, and sprayed the sidewalk with a garden hose, making a thin sheen of ice. Calvin spins out of control, hitting Bart. Both go flying into the snowman being built by Susie and her slumber party friends.

"Bart!" yells Lisa, "you ruined it!"

"You know this blockhead?" asks Lucy. She and Peppermint Patty start pelting the boys with snowballs, as they duck for cover.

...

"Finally," thinks Bart, "now that Nelson and Moe are fighting each other, I can finish this once and for all." He starts towards Calvin, who limps towards him.

Jan finishes pouring her milk and heads towards the living room.

Suddenly, she lets out a high-pitched scream. "Aaaaah! A tiger!" Sure enough, Hobbes is in the kitchen. Calvin pictures the carnage; the horrific bloodletting, the merciless slashing. He smiles.

But when Jan emerges from the kitchen, she's still whole. Indeed, she's grinning insipidly. "And he's wearing jams! I've got to show Cindy!" And momentarily forgetting her babysitting duties, she bolts from the house to find her sister.

Calvin wolfs down the ice cream, while Bart settles for Jan's peanut butter and fluff sandwhich.

- Jim Gerace

ROTW(tm) Runner-up

Bart has more weapons. Bart is more aggressive. Bart is more sadistic. Anyway you look at it, Bart has EVERYTHING in his corner. And that is exactly why he is going to lose.

Being the evil boy he is, Bart will try to eliminate his competition. Knowing Calvin is "wildly imaginative" but easily frightened by such fantasies as "monsters under the bed"(tm), Bart will drop hints that he is not what he seems. First, he'll start with the facial expressions, the body movements and the strange accent. Then Calvin will catch Bart drinking "blood" - actually water with food coloring. Now with his opponent in complete disarray, the "boy" goes for the kill and tells his true story about being on a UFO. Calvin, convinced his friend is actually a blood-sucking alien, will make a run for it and lock himself in his parents' room.

Unfortunately for Bart, Calvin is so scared he calls the police and claims that a space vampire is trying to kill him. Of course, the police will ignore the claim but the federal agents monitoring the line will be very interested. After confirming with visual inspection that the subject has odd yellow skin, three fingers and no hair line, they go into action. Before you can say X-Files, Agents Mulder and Scully will have abducted the young Simpson and brought him to an abandoned Army base in New Mexico where he will undergo extensive biological testing.

Meanwhile, Jan Brady, whose mental health was never good to begin with, is really freaked after the kidnapping incident. Captain Napalm's dart gun counter-offensive against alien intruders will just be too much. Jan will be found naked weeks later, mumbling to herself in a dumpster behind a local 7-11. Fortunately for Calvin, his mental health will be quickly healed by a half gallon of ice cream and an all-nite movie monster marathon..

- Paul Golba

After endless hours of torture, Jan, completely bald from a mishap earlier, will do something completely surprising to Calvin. As Bart watches, calmly, on the sofa watching the latest MACBANE movie ("No deposit, no return"), Jan will break out her cellular phone (actually Marsha's) and dial a familiar number. A voice will answer, "what do you need?" and Jan will respond by saying, "You damn well know what I need". After she hangs up the phone, Jan starts laughing psycoticly and bursts out of the house.

Calvin, believing he has won, starts laughing. Just as he starts laughing, the front door busts open, and to his horror, Calvin sees the only person he has ever feared- ROSALYN. She points to the upstairs room that belongs to Calvin, and he takes off in a mist of screams and terror. NOW the real fight begins.

Now she turns to Bart and asks what his name is, Bart responds by saying "You could call me Bart S....no wait call me B. Simpson...doh!" She looks at Bart and Bart looks at her, then she says "come on boy" and the brawl starts.

After about twenty minutes of fighting, Bart feels he is losing so he picks up the phone and calls Groundskeeper Willie and says that an old decendent of King Edward of England (the guy who killed William Wallace) has been touching him in very unpleasant places. About five minutes later Willie breaks down the door, wearing some old Scotish war garb. (kilt, etc..) and says "I'm gonna kick your GOOD Damn English AASSS you BASSTARRRRRD!" After he rips off his shirt to show his masculine body, he picks up the babysitter and throws her out the door. Then he starts to run out the door when his kilt gets caught in the door and is torn off exposing his butt. He says "Damn" and the lady across the street screams, he responds by saying "OHHH Shuut up ya old windbag!" As Ned Flanders drives by and says "goodly god old neighborroony". Willie eventually takes off and Bart has won. HA-HA

- Tim Getschow

What this battle comes down to is not neccessarily a question of creativity versus aggression. We must remember the nature of the "judge" in this case. Jan Brady is a creature of television--televised icons only true gauge of a situation is twofold: 1, the laugh track and 2, the incidental music.

The Brady Bunch was a prime example of this, rife with maniacal laughter and the limp "wa-wa" bassoon noise of loss(tm). Bart's antics will create incidental music, he too lives in the magic land of television. Jan will know how to deal with them. Calvin's activities, however, will be quite different.

Calvin is a creature of the print media--he has no laugh track, no incidental music. His only indicators are line weight and the presence of white/black space. We should also remember that his strip is discontinued, and he'll be hurtin' for public attention of any kind (something he thrives upon).

Before you can say "mad tiger mauling" Jan Brady will be assaulted by a stuffed tiger, weilded by a screaming child. Without the cues of music or laughter, she'll be totally confused and therefore more likely to crack. Bart mixes Manhattans and mops up for the rest of the night.

- Chris

What we have here, noble sages of the WWWF Grudge Match, is a conflict not between men, but between principles. The two candidates represent two wholly different approaches towards a young innocent.

Bart Simpson is Banality. He is coarse, vulgar, and destructive. Possessed of little creativity and less intelligence, his skills arise from the dark cesspools of the human soul. There is little of the glorious evil megalomaniac in Bart; he is more like a redneck gone 'round the bend. Calvin is Insanity. Whereas Bart's darker impulses are inspired by that which is familiar to most of us, Calvin draws his strength from the outer limits of the mind. He is creative, bizarre, and unpredictable.

Thus, the question arises: Which of these two will have more of an effect on Jan Brady? As Steve grasped, banality is similar to the forced conformity and mundanity of the Brady household. With all vestiges of intelligent and creative thought banished, as they are in that family, it is but a short step towards crude, pointless evil. Bart will shock and repulse Jan at first, but she will be able to adjust to it. Calvin, on the other hand, is the embodiment of forces and ideas that Jan has never before come into contact with--creativity, free thought, and chaos. This would be startling enough for a Brady in simple contact with them; when they are directed against Jan, she will quickly snap under the strain.

- Matthew L. Martin, University Center Rochester

Bart will start off with some evil scheme to drive Jan screaming from the house, and sure enough, will do so. But where has Calvin been during all of Bart's terrifying antics?

Why, as STUPENDOUS MAN he has leapt into the kitchen and made off with the ice cream already! By the time Bart's finished with Jan, so has Calvin finished with the ice cream. Calvin doesn't care about the night's TV viewing... he has his imagination to keep him occupied.

So, a moral victory to Calvin.

- David Mar, Sydney, Australia.

Calvin wins this one in a walk. Why? Because Bart is an over-commercialised, cynical, one-dimensional factotum of youth turned bad by modern life and Calvin is as close to a real life kid as you're likely to find in the funny papers.

- Colin Simpson, United Kingdom

Bart has friends. Calvin only has a beat-up old tiger doll. While Millhouse and Lisa are setting up the decoy, Bart will be there to place the plastic spider that will drive Jan from the house in a rage of flying blonde hair. Meanwhile, Calvin will still be trying to get Hobbes to agree on the proper rules of babysitter-modified Calvin-ball.

- Rob

Bart's frightening, but he can't handle the pressure of performing, as shown on numerous occasions. He'll have perhaps 3 tricks to try, and then he'll be reduced to tears while Jan just shakes her head and thinks, "I can put up with this... I need the money." But once Calvin gets started, and Hobbes makes an appearance, Jan will realize that those new polyester pants just aren't worth the effort. And if Hobbes doesn't do the job, the worms, bugs, toys, dinosaurs, and assorted other bits of insanity in Calvin's room surely will.

- Chris Salter

There is a third possibility. Hobbes may defeat the both of them drive all three (Jan, Calvin & Bart) screaming in terror out into the rain- soaked night. When Calvin's nameless parents return home, they would find all three huddled on the stoop, with Hobbes sitting in front of a blaring TV covered in half-melted ice cream.

- packy, CEO/WebMaster, Dardan Web Associates

Look at it this way - Bart is the demented child of a borderline alcoholic father whose job is only slightly more glamorous than that of the crud behind my fridge. We have a potential Manson/Dahmer/Son of Sam/Congressional Politician situation here. Calvin has a pretty sick sense of humor (see the snowman references) but is pretty much a nonviolent type.

If you doubt the winner, ask someone who has had the bad fortune of taking care of other people's kids. I've actually babysat Bart Simson (or some demon-spawned lookalike). There is no living Hell like it.

- Adam Arabian

While Calvin could easily beat Bart I think you're ignoring a possible upset. Jan could come out the winner. Best case senario of a Jan upset would have Mrs. Brady or the maid arrive to help out, get freaked, paddle both kids and announce that the Bradys will be adopting a new form of child discipline. OK, the older kids might be a bit old for it, but seeing Cindy or her brother get a tanning might make the Brady Bunch worth watching... Of course if Marsha is included on the list the show would be a ratings getter.

- Richard

Calvin would decimate both Jan and Bart. Why? To quote from Pee Wee's Big Adventure, "I'm a loner Dottie, a rebel." Calvin is just one of a long line of loners, Clint Eastwood from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, the Terminator, Batman (the cool darker one, not the stupid '60's one), the Clint Eastwood from Dirty Harry, the Punisher, the Clint Eastwood from In the Line of Fire, and the Unabomber. Calvin not only is an only child, he is friendless too. he has time to let his sick and evil fantasies fester and grow inside him until an unsuspecting certain polyester clad Brady happens to ignite the spark that would set him off. Bart has his Lisa, Milhouse, Homer, Moe, Nelson, Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel, and Rod and Todd Flanders to prey upon. Bart isn't the psychopathic powder keg that Calvin is. I mean for cryin' out loud, take a look at the pictures you decided to post on your page. Bart just has a smug look on his face, whilst Calvin has a look on like a constipated Bill Clinton. No Doubt, Calvin wins.

- Justin "Kingfish" Finnegan

While it is true that Calvin is intellectual Professor to Bart's Gilligan, one thing stands in the way of his obtaining this particular prize. Simpson Greed. It has haunted the family (and Springfield) for many years, and once again will rear its ugly head in this match. A whole half-gallon of ice cream? Come on! Bart would kill for less than that. And, as we have seen in the past, his loyalty tends to plumit when the price is right. Prediction: Jan - multiple abrasions, fractured femur; Calvin - concussion, skull fracture, third degree burns to the left side of his face (from the acid), and a bear trap around his right ankle; Bart - a half gallon of ice cream and 3 to 6 in Springfield Boy's Detention Center.

- gagan, Univeristy of Wisconsin-Stout

People say Calvin is more creative than Bart although I'm not so sure of that I mean look at all those detentions he has had to stay after school for

       I  will  not  grease  the  monkey  bars
       I  am  not   a  dentist
       Bart  bucks  are  not  legal  tender
       I  will  not  spin  the  turtle

Anyways you get my drift

- popa0282

Gimme a break, man. This is just like the Hannibal Lector vs. Jeffrey Dahmer bake-off. Bart has been clinically proven to be dumber than a hamster. Calvin is a diabolical genius, and Jan Brady is no Rosalyn if you catch my drift. It's like Lex Luthor vs. Shirley Temple. Dr. Moriarty vs. Suzy Creamcheese. Conclusion: Don't mess with my man Calvin.

- Matt-a-roo

Bart is not a loser, he has a long history of being a clutch player. He tied todd flanders in the putt putt match, he got a d- on his history test, he even discovered a damn comet and saved Krusty (tm) the clowns butt more times than Troy McClure (tm) has been on infomercials. Most graduate students havent even discovered one cellestial body, let alone a comet. And as for the simpsons being losers, Homer was a championship softball player, stopped the off gas tank from venting dangerous nuclear gas to the environment, and correctly predicted that the comet burn up on reentry. And this is just a sample of the family's successes.

- TxWarEagl, Houston, TX

A Brady Nightmare........

    "You see Calvin," Bart tried to explain, "I am the spawn of hell's
evil!" Calvin looked at Bart waiting for an explanation.
    "Come down to the basement Calvin.....and I will show you....."
Calvin, quietly followed Bart down the basement steps.  Bart stopped in
front of an old furnace heater.  Bart opened the small furnace door
with a loud squeak (from the door - not Bart).
	"You see," continued Bart, "I am the only one who will hurt our
sitter."
	"What do you mean Bart......I don't get it."
	"Shut-up and listen man!" Bart snapped.  Bart reached up in the
furnace and took out an old brown cloth.  "I was given the power to
horrible things, evil things........"  Bart's eyes glazed over as he
began to reminisce about the day he received his power......
	Calvin was beginning to get worried.  He had never noticed his
friend behave like this before.  "What's going on Bart.....are you
gonna tell me or what?"
	Bart looked up at Calvin and glared.  The stare made Calvin take
a step back.....the stare was evil itself......an evil he had never
thought could exist.
	^It was almost a year ago when he gave this to me.  He told me
that he would give me wondrous power, incredible destruction, and
prevent anyone from ever truly knowing if it was me who would commit
evil acts."  Bart began to unfold the brown cloth.....
	Hobbes, who all this time had been standing beside Calvin,
whispered in his ear.  Calvin jumped at Hobbes' voice.
	"Where the heck did you come from Hobbes?" Calvin asked in
fright...
	"I snuck up on you....duh....I'm a tiger....wild and
cunning.....you just didn't hear me."
	^Well, what did you want Hobbes?"
	"I was just trying to whisper to you how weird this is.  Haven't
you noticed how it almost seems like that scene from Nightmare on Elm
Street?"
	"Not really!  It must just be a coincidence that this
seems........" Calvin broke off what he was saying.  Calvin glared at
what Bart had unwrapped.  Lying in the center of the brown cloth was a
black, leather Isotoner glove with blood stains.
	Calvin knew immediately of the power of the glove.  "You see
Calvin," Bart spoke as he pulled the black glove on (good fit....just
the right size), "this is a Simpson glove, and I am a Simpson!  I have
been chosen to carry the evil onward......and tonight it begins with
the Brady bitch!"  Bart erupted into laughter as the furnace suddenly
ignited.  Calvin, temporarily losing control of his bladder, realized
that he was going to win because the sitter was going to scream.....but
she would never make it out the door!

- The Unicorn

The evening went fine until Jan decided to interrupt a glorious episode of Itchy & Scratchy to play a little Brady music......it was story, of lovely girl, who was baby-sitting two terror loving boys. Both of them had minds of evil, just like Chuck Manson, they wish to make Jan hurl. It is a story, of boy named Bart, who was by far the very worst of the two; he had four ways, to maim and torture, and each one he would do. Then the one day when Bart Simpson met Calvin....he knew that he had something to prove....and so Bart Simpson set out on a quest, and the sitter's fina thought was.................

"Simpson! Why are all the evil men in the world named SIMPSON!

- The Pegasus

All Bart has to do is steal Jan's glasses and then trick her into the street where she is hit by a police car on the way to a beer spill. Unfortunately, Bart _is_ Homer's boy, and that means that even when he deserves to win he looses. As he sprawls groaning in a puddle of melted ice cream, watching Itchy & Scratchy, Calvin's parents walk in. With Marcia (no, Jan) gone and Calvin in bed for once, Bart gets sent home and is forbidden to return.

Bart appears to win initially, but looses in the end with a stomachache and four parents pissed at him.

- Charles Kelly

The People of the Town of Whoville vs. Jan Brady charged with two counts of murder. How do you plead, Ms Brady?

- DarkHelmet

In order for Bart to win he would first need to distract Calvin. To do this, he would put Hobbes in the microwave. After about 1 minute, Calvin would smell his pet burning and try to save him. Bart would then use the ultimate weapon -- the flaming Homer. Bart would make one for Jan, Jan would light it and before she could blow it out her polyester clothes would go up in flames faster than you can say "Here's a story..." This would cause Jan to run out of the house screaming in pain. She would make it twenty feet and collapse in the roadway where she would be accidently run over by Chief Wigam who was trying to get to Dunkin Doughnuts before closing time.

While Calvin is scraping his tiger out of the microwave, Bart would be on the couch eating ice cream, watching PPV movies on cable and downing a Duff beer.

- JML1969

I voted for Calvin, convinced by the argument that he would be able to outwit Bart. I recall the paper-scissors-rock game with Lisa: "Good old rock, wins everytime....D'Oh!"

- Rick

It can be proven that Calvin does not imagine all that happens to him, but actually experiences it. How else could he get stuck up in a tree and lose his shoes if not for Hobbes? How could he have possibly pulled off the great duplication scheme without an actual Duplicator? That would be otherwise impossible the way it is portrayed in the strip! Given that Calvin's imagination comes to life, it is almost impossible not to pick him in this contest. He has but to get a squirt gun and it becomes a transmogrification ray-gun! He needs only a cardboard box, and suddenly there are twenty Calvins running about, all intent on destroying Jan's already precarious sanity. There is no way Calvin can loose this battle of annoyance.

- Justin

Calvin is in his own home, so using explosives is probably out of the question. Bart would not hesitate to use a cherry bomb or two, or even an M-80. After blowing holes in the ceiling and walls, and after springing a few water leaks, Jan would run away screaming.

- Chris Roper, Virginia Tech

I must admit, my first instinct was to go with Bart, but dammit! Steve's right...the Simpsons are born losers. Hmmm if only Dennis the Menace (the only other serious threat to babysitters) could compete, but he's probably in his late 40's fat and bald by now.

- Eric Klinker

Everything seems to be pointing to an easy victory for Bart, who could easily win this matchup, but earlier that afternoon Calvin's mom will let the boys go outside to play, And therein lies Bart's downfall.

While Calvin builds a sand-castle death-trap, Bart will mutter "this sucks" and, borrowing from Homer, "lousy sandbox!" Inside he goes to catch the end of Itchy & Scratchy. Little does he know a man-eating tiger waits hungrily.

Calvin may be able to come out of these encounters dirty and bruised, but Bart doesn't stand a chance. Unlike Calvin, he has no idea that it's coming. And with such a chubby paunch, he won't last a minute. Imagine Hobbes' fervor when he finally gets to rip into a fleshy belly. No sooner does Bart open the front door than FWOOSH!-- an orange and black hell-cat pounces out of the air, tearing at Bart with animalistic ferocity. By the time Jan gets to the house, Bart will be nothing more than a discrete pile of bones by the side of the house.

This will leave Calvin the whole night to execute his unholy plot, driving the baby-sitter insane in a matter of a few hours. The downside is that Hobbes will claim the rights to the TV, and Calvin will have to clean up after himself. But that's a minor price to pay for winning the contest.

- Number Six

Brian has conveniently overlooked WWWF rule #1: the BABE FACTOR!! That's right, Jan's a certified hot young lady (TM). As we've seen, Bart's mind is subject to the whims of another of his organs. However, Calvin, who is (I'm guessing here) half Bart's age, is completely immune to TBF.

Bart's evil intentions dissolve in a flood of testosterone and he is content to sit like a doggie at her feet. Meanwhile, Stupendous Man (TM), who only meets his match in arch-enemy Rosalyn the Babysiter Girl (TM), enjoys an evening snack of (he announces loudly) armpit cheese and mashed centipedes. He drops a delectable dollop of dough on Jan's lap from the staircase and KAPOW! she's out the door in a bolt of crimson. Another victory for the defender of the baby-sat!!

- Jeffery Fiducia

If you take the revisionist Brady History presented in the movie into account, it skews the outcome. Rather than being seen as a fragile, easily wounded middle child, Jan is shown to be a violent psychopathic frenzy waiting to happen.

Even though Bart's antagonistic skills well surpass Calvin's, Calvin will win in the end. Bart's strategies will be *so* effective that they will trigger Jan's latent murderous impulses, and the two of them will end up having a knock-down-drag-out involving sharp kitchen utensils. They will end up mortally wounding each other and will bleed to death before anyone can arrive - because no one will be called. Calvin's escapist abilities allow him to calmly step over the squirming bloodied soon-to-be-corpses and retrieve the ice cream. He'll be able to create a fantasy scenario that will allow him to ignore the moans coming from the kitchen, and will spend the remainder of the evening engorging himself in front of the tube.

- Leilah Blakeney Toth, University of Toledo

Bart himself possesses a conscience (as seen in several episodes of the Simpsons); however, Bart's conscience is internal whereas Calvin's is purely external. His conscience is manifested in the Tumble-Dry-Low(TM) form of a plush tiger. As Calvin's one and only true friend he is a ready victim for Bart-based attacks. Bart has a well known penchant, and the lack of scruples, to resort to Pre-Teen Terror Tactics(TM) such as dismembering and decapitating small, helpless stuffed animals (even his own), as demonstrated in the hockey episode in the Simpsons. A valid tactic; however, rather than reducing his opponent to a sniveling ball of tears and mucous, instead, with Calvin's conscience clearly out of the way, it's time for Calvin to kick some yellow ass, remove the competition, and move in on Jan, clearly winning the bet. With Hobbes back and his confidence redoubled, the Tiger Ten Year Old Tag Team Terror (TM), will trounce the tawny-tressed trollop.

- Martindale Productions

Brian, I'm disappointed at you dismissing Calvin's intelligence so. Bart wouldn't know the meaning of antidisestablishmentarianism if it hit him on the head carved into Jebediah Springfield's decapitated statue! He's an F STUDENT, remember???

Calvin, on the other hand, does poorly in school because he is 1) unmotivated and 2) too smart for most of his class. He's already demonstrated vast knowledge of English, politics, and art, and has shown uncanny insight into the disturbing psyche of today's society. For all the Barts out there, this means that Calvin's a smart dude.

Remember that Bart not only had to get Lisa's help in apprehending a wanted felon, but he LET HER GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Bart, powerful even in the face of his parents? Hah, I say. HAH! Calvin, on the other hand, has caused babysitters to laugh at his mother when she asks for services. He narrowed down the number of potential babysitters in a relatively well-off suburban neighborhood to ONE. This is NOT a kid who rattles his sitters with "fantasies." He's ruthless (will flush homework down a toilet), intelligent, and cruel. He'll doubtlessly do a little research on his new victim, and have her out of the house quicker than you can say "Stupendous Man."

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa -- Oh, and Radioactive Man is a mere ripoff of Atomic Man. ;)

Calvin makes it big on this one. Reason: home court advantage. Calvin knows every corner of every room in his home, so he can easily exploit that knowledge to its maximum potential. He knows where he can hide and not get caught, he knows what kind of slime is being held captive in the pantry in case Jan decides to cook, he knows where his parents store his Life-Size Dinosaurs(TM), but mostly, he can change into his alter-ego Stupendous Man (TM) and knock some sense into the Brady Chick (TM) without her ever knowing it was him. And even if Bart had the inspiration to have packed his Bartman(TM) costume, Stupendous Man is an ever So-Much-Greater(TM) superhero because he can fly and use other superpowers. Bartman is limited to whatever contraptions he may have with him and is much more easily recognisable because of his bright yellow skin.

Besides, Calvin has lots more vocabulary than Jan will ever dream of.

- Michael Lacroix

The house is quiet, with the exception of hair swishing from side to side as Jan Brady climbs the stairs to check on the boys. She begins to sing under her breath..."I think I'll go for a walk outside..." Inside the room, the boys have been busy...

Bart has climbed through the window and ran to the door to begin his ever irritating game. His plan: To ring the door bell a zillion times, always hiding before the door is opened. An old trick, but one that never fails to drive one clinically insane if played right. A devious plan indeed.

Calvin, however, uses a slightly different tactic. Unlike Bart, he has studied his adversary on television, and knows what Jan's weakness is, and how it can be exploited. He has prepared (after all, he was a boy scout at one time). His plot is fiendishly clever. He makes his preparations, and hides in the closet.

Jan reaches the room. Her hand slowly makes its way to the shiny brass knob. Trembling with nervousness and anticipation, she turns her hand to the right. Will they like her? Will they accept her as their own? Would they all be friends? She hoped so. She had so many fun things planned for them all. What fun it would be to have a gunny sack race outside! With everybody smilin', sunshine day. Everybody laughin', sunshine day! Oh, didn't she feel happy today.

She opens the door, and steps into the room. The door shuts behind her. The walls are covered with pictures and posters of a girl. How cute, she thinks. Then she takes a closer look. "My, the face on all these pictures sure looks familiar," she says. Then it suddenly dawns on her. She knows that girl, whose face plasters the walls. It's Marsha! There are newspaper clippings on the floor, Jan kneels down to look at them. She reads the headline: 'Oldest Brady daughter to star in school play' "No!" Jan screams. "I tried out for that part, I was better! I should have got the role as Juliet!" She begins to pull her hair, "why is it always Marsha Marsha Marsha!" Marsha is everywhere! Jan turns, Marsha is there. She covers everything. She always gets the recognition, the fame, the boys. Jan screams, and runs out of the room. Down the stairs she goes, and flings open the front door. "Marsha Marsha Marsha!" Can be heard as she trips over Bart, who was just about to ring the doorbell. Calvin and Hobbes follow her to the door in time to see the two collide, and without further ado, shut and lock the door.

Calvin sits down on the couch and searches for his program while Hobbes gets the ice cream and a can of tuna to celebrate the day's success. Calvin would have both Jan and Bart out of the house in 45 seconds flat.

- Sarah

Even though he's not quite sure what all the letters stand for, Calvin IS sure that STUPENDOUS MAN can handle the job. He quickly changes into his suit and runs to the bathroom to fill emergency water balloons. Jan sits down on the couch with a tall glass of cold milk and two chocolate chip peanut butter cookie wreaths for her snack, just as Calvin rushes down the stairs.

"This is a job for stupendous man!" he shouts and pelts the girl with water balloons. "Get Rid Of Slimy girlS!"

Jan screams and runs out of the house to get away, being the humorless, mindless, creativeless,(the list goes on and on!) girl that she is, and Calvin shuts the door, securing the dead bolt so that she can't get back in.

Unfortunately, it is only a mental victory. Caught up in the melee, Calvin didn't notice Bart creep down the stairs and take the ice cream for himself. The carton is empty, and Bart's round stomach is a little rounder.

This is what I think would happen, but actually, it's pretty hard to say. They may not have even made the bet in the first place, because the only way Calvin can talk is if words appear in a bubble over his head, and, unfortunately, Bart wouldn't be able to read them.

- Finliad Dewphire (Josie)

Gentleman, you forget one important point: Calvin is no longer with us. His creator is no longer making new strips, so Calvin is in a sense dead. But he was cut off in the prime of his life, just like James Dean. And Immortality did wonders for Deans career, so the same power of Immortal Coolness will alow Calvin to win.

- Cliff Walker Arceneaux, North Carolina State University

Brian is obviously a youngest child, thus the naivete in the logic of his argument as Bart the winner. Check your Simpson history...Bart likes girls. Oh sure, he tries to hide it from Milhouse and the others, but he has been smitten by the preachers daughter (and thoroughly dupped, his devious powers were completely obliterated whenever she was within ten feet of him) as well as the new girl who moved in next door, Laura. (The voice of Laura was done by Darlene, the second child in Roseanne's family. As Brian was so nice to point out, Jan is also the second child. Coincidence, I think not!)

Calvin on the other hand is younger and therefore immune to feminine wiles (still believes in the powers of cooties). Evidence, he is emperor/king/president of G.R.O.S.S (Get Rid Of Slimey girlS) and he has moral support in the form of Hobbes to keep him on task (eliminating the babysitter, not falling for her).

The evening will progress as follows: Jan walks in, Bart is mesmerized by her beauty, glasses, braces, brown, horizontal striped, tight polyester shirt with matching knee socks. Calvin is also awestruck with one particular feature, the braces. Calvin immediately goes for his erector set. Hobbes tackles Jan (a move he learned in Calvin-ball tm) and puts her in a headlock while Calvin builds a digital satellite dish on her face so he can get the Cartoon Network tm (call your cable operator for more information). Where is Bart during all this...trying to think of something clever to say to impress this 70's goddess.

Somehow Jan manages to break free (probably fairly simple since Hobbes is _just a stuffed animal_, Santa Claus isn't real either) and call Doug. Doug, as you will recall, is the most popular boy in school who doesn't have a date for the big dance because Marcia has a swollen nose. Just as Jan is getting into Doug's convertible, she reaches over, yanks Bart's still beating heart from his chest and says "You won't be needing _this_anymore!"

Calvin wins and gets to eat all the ice cream. Unfortunately, since Bart was killed, he also has to clean up. A moral victory at best.

- KJackson, Jacksonville University -- An oldest child with superior intellect (and degrees)

Again the deciding factor is overlooked as our intrepid commentators swap anecdotes. Sigh... well, boys, here's what you ignored: allies.

Yeah, Bart's mean and so is Calvin, but who will help Bart? Lisa? Too much of a goody-two-shoes. Homer? More of a liablility then a boon. Milhaus? Milhaus is undoubtedly a power to be reckoned with, but doubtless he has more important things to do. Maggie will, in time, be the master of them all, but that time has not yet come.

Calvin, on the other hand, has the First Tiger of GROSS on his side-- the Almighty Hobbes. Some foolish would think he is but a figment of Calvin's imagination-- little do they know that he is real and it is we who are the figment. Anyway, while the small-minded Bart is kept busy by Calvin's mind tricks and ice sculptures ('Bart! Is that Krusty out in the yard being attacked by a snow goon?' 'And look, here comes Sideshow Bob behind him...'), Hobbes is toying with her of the Family We Do Not Name. Assuming she doesn't get messily devoured, all Hobbes need do is sing the praises of Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! and the vile sister will soon be reduced to a quivering wreck.

Now what do we do to the other seven Bradys?
--Rosencrantz

THE TRANSMOGRIFIER!!! All Calvin has to do is get a cardboard box, a marker, and voila, a trusty complete transformo thingie-dingie. He can change himself or anything into the sickest monster he can think of, and he can't fail. Plus, the transmogrifier can also double as a DUPLICATOR, so Calvin can make multiple copies of his destruction, and possibly clone himself to improve his effectiveness.

But wait, you say. The Transmogrifier only works in Calvin's psychodelic mind! You forget about Jan. A good quality of a babysitter is the ability to empathize with her charges. This subhuman is so sensitive and stupid that she will actually believe the horrors that Calvin feeds to her. She will stare directly into the abyss called Calvin's mind, and that will be the end of Jan as we know it. Her mind will overload and she will run screaming in horror for the rest of her life until she dies in the mental institution.

- Rowe

First, [Calvin] will introduce her to Hobbes. Right off, she will start to wonder why Calvin can hear the stuffed tiger while she can't. She's never had problems hearing voices before--what could be wrong? Doesn't Hobbes like her? The stuffed tiger will remind here of Tiger, the Brady family dog, and how the family always loved Tiger more than Jan, and how she was always repulsed but at the same time deeply aroused when she would watch Tiger lick himself. Having failed to win the affections of her family and their dog, Jan will find herself compelled to seek acceptence from the mighty Hobbes, and since she cannot hear him, she will have to do what ever Calvin tells her that Hobbes wants. Hobbes will insist that they play Calvin-Ball, and after that, its all over for Jan. She just doesn't get it. Marcia would get it. Marcia could win. That's why everyone loves Marcia. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Calvin would at this point tell the frazzled Jan that Hobbes thinks she sucks at Calvin-Ball and wants to know if she has a sister that might want come over and play. Jan wanders into the night mumbling incoherently. Calvin has won. Of course, during this time, Bart ate all the ice cream while sitting in front of the T.V. Spaceman Spiff blasts the hell out of Bart, who then gives Calvin a wedgie and leaves.

- Scott Muir, Duke University

Bart has dominated against real life foes including The Babysitter Bandit, Side Show Bob (numerous times) and Hyman Krustofsky (perhaps the most cunning of all). Please note that these poeple were not beaten by pranks and brute force but by cunning and wit. Calvin is great in his own right but Bart wins as "brat-supreme".

- Andy Hollmers

There's no way Calvin would win such a wager. Besides the pertinent points raised by Brian, there's the insatiable lust for food engineered into all Simpson males, not to mention the disproportionate amount of time Calvin spends in imaginary worlds. Escaping a dinosaur won't help much when Bart's well on his way to filling the kitchen drawers with locusts.

- Derek Fehler

And now, making his debut appearance on the WWWF Gurdge Match, Bob Dylan who will sing his latest song: "Rainy day babysitters, 12 and 35" (any semblance to the Brady Bunch theme is coincidentaly intentional)

Ahem...

Here's the sad tale of young Jan Brady
Condemned to babysit Calvin and Bart
Both were evil incarnate, they made a bet
Who'd freak her out the first...

Calvin started, with a fire hose
Which left poor Jan soaked from head to toe
Bart continued, with a can of Mace (tm)
Jan's clawing at her eyes.

For his next trick Calvin became Captain Napalm
And he burned the poor young blonde into a crisp
Bart then countered, with a steam roller
Jan's a potato chip

It wasn't long before Jan stopped moving
The two bad boys figured it was a tie
She was too easy to kill, not a challenge
They'll settle it next time...

- HotBranch!

The kid who can assess the outcome of his schemes ("I couldn't believe it when she cleared the hedge . . . ") does too much mental planning to be beat by Bart's spontaneous improvisation. Calvin plans out his schemes too well - the fact that they don't always turn out, just gets added to his experience.

- Erick

Hey, I'm a nerd. I've *got* to believe that imagination and weirdness will triumph over simple grossness and physical brute force. (Lessons learned on the playground to the contrary....)

- Dane S. McGregor, Winnipeg, Manitoba

The fact is, everyone is forgetting a few of Calvins vicious plots. You may recall:

1.The Notes Down the Toilet incident. This shows Calvins knack for finding a weakness and exploiting it. Unlike Bart, who would be a more simplisticly destructive foe, much like a George Foreman in his prime, Calvin comes out like Ali, with a calculating mind.

2.The Noodle Incident. While this has never been publicised, it was enough to garner months of reoccurance. Bart wouldn't come up with something quite so memorable.

3.Calvin has Hobbes in his corner. Every great fighter needs a good manager. Calvin has Hobbes, who will be looking out for some Ice Cream. Hobbes wisdom will come as a boon, if not just something else for Calvin to misunderstand. Bart is acting solo here. That could be another problem.

4.Barts weakness: Video Games. If Jan makes Bart some form of offer, this could tie him up for a while. Calvin is not able to be bribed.

- SalDAxe

Calvin would be able to set up a far more elaborate and subtle plan than Bart would, as illustrated by the "Bart" picture used for this question showing him blatantly using a slingshot. Thus, Calvin would be able to cook up something much better to drive Jan to the funny farm, if he was given enough time. Emphasis on the "if". While Calvin was making a relatively minor annoyance of himself and holding the big plan off for a half-hour or longer, Bart would be on the task within a half-minute. Sorry, Calvin. I admire your strip more, and you have vastly superior talent, but the contest concerns speed, not quality, and immediacy is a specialty of Bart's blunt, straightforward technique. Bart would win the ice cream.

Matt Bricker, Goshen College

It will be a draw. Jan Brady will win.

It has been pointed out that Bart is evil. How do evil people win contests? Usually by sabotaging the opponent. Calvin will construct one of his 'interesting' snowmen. As Calvin turns his back to talk to Hobbs, Bart will sneak out and disfigure the snowman so it looks normal. This will be the basic pattern of the contest. Calvin, being more creative and on his home turf, will have the intiative. Bart will be too busy sabotaging Calvin's attempts, to amount an assualt of his own.

The other consideration is the Jan Brady Defense (tm). Jan Brady is a teenager. Like all teenage babysitters, she will sit on the couch and pick up the phone. At this point, all is lost. She will gab for hours, with other girls, boys, friends, boys, her sisters, boys, classmates, boys ... Nothing short of setting the house on fire will get her attention. And since Bart is nullifying everything Calvin does there is no hope.

When the parents come home, there will be two exhausted childern and a baby sitter caught up on all the latest gossip.

- mfedwards

The night is young, the boys are plotting, and Jan has no idea what is going to happen. Bart starts the night off chasing Jan into another room with a Krusty the Clown (tm) sling shot. Calvin dumps a bucket of water on her. Jan Runs screaming into another room, where Bart Smacks her in the face with a cream pie. Stupendous Man (Tm) rushes in pelting her with water ballons. Bart tries to one up Calvin by having Bartman (Tm) lasso her with the Bart-O-Rangs (Tm) on a rope and Pelting her with Mapple syrup balloons (TM). This realy peeves Jan, who reaches for a phone and calls up the greatest legion of Evil alies she can find: The Partridge Family, Donney and Marie Osmand, Rosilan, Calvin's baby sitter, The Flanders, Patty Duke and her Identical cousin. Bart and Calvin soon realize they are up against an evil that they must work as a team to destroy. Bart reaches for his cellular phone and calls up Lisa and Millhouse. Calvin calls up his pal Hobbes, along with Jason Fox, Marcus, and Quincey the Iganana from nieghboring comic strip "Foxtrot" (Tm). Being that both Lisa and Jason are guiniuses, they configure a plan to destroy this legion of 70's evil. Soon a giant catapult is built capable of flinging Krusty The Clown whipped cream substitute Pies (Tm), Water Ballons, Calvin Balls (TM), Maple Syrup Balloons, and Bart-O-Rangs. This along with with Bart's official Krustyco(TM) ping pong ball gun, Spaceman Spiff's (Tm), and Jason Fox's GIJOE Jumbo action suction Cup dart bazooka tears Jan's henchmen apart. Jan's Legion of Evil is defeated for now and the Titanic Four (Tm), consisting of Stupendous Man (Tm), Hobbes, Bartman(Tm), and Slug Man (Tm) is born.

- kARMACIDE

Calvin is the epitome of wierd, Jan is not ready for that kind of dementia. Jan is already susceptable to mind games living with a passel of Boys who aren't really related to her. I don't think I need to go any further into that.

- Foghorn

Consider: Jans sisters are cute/adorable, with the older one exuding a certain clean/wholesome look-but-don't-lust sexuality. Jan is, by contrast, "The Brain" insofar as the Brady Family-dynamics are concerned. Sadly, Jan really isn't all that bright. Imagine the terrible pressures that have been building up within Jan as she struggles to maintain an unmaintainable self-image, especially in a family that worships form over content, appearance over substance. Throw into that hellish brew the burgeoning sexual feelings that she has begun experiencing with the onset of puberty, in a WonderBread family that is hideously repressed, and I am sure that you will, upon consideration agree with the following scenario:

Bart is distracted by the television and Calvin surges ahead with his Spaceman Spiff and CalvinBall routines. Bart soon realises that the contest won't be a sure thing after all and joins in. Both boys immediately pick up on the inner conflicts that are precursors to Jans eventual psychotic break with reality and begin mercilessly pushing Jans buttons, Bart by making subtle references to her "twisted" sexual appetites and what a young lady of less than perfect beauty would do to fulfill those longings, Calvin by proving that not only is *he* smarter than she is but so is everyone else. In both cases, these boys are battering at the walls of Jans self image, and when those walls finally crumble before the massed onslaught of *both* Calvin and Bart...

Anyway, when the parents finally get home, Jan will be sitting naked in the basement, cracking open the bones of Calvin and Bart to get at the soft, slurppy marrow within. IMHO

- Kevin Maring

Calvin? Bart? Whatever; Both of you seriously underestimate Jan Brady...

- Squig

Excuse me? Bart vs. Calvin in a contest? Just where do you think the competition will come from? Calvin is a weird little boy. He has lots of fantasies about being Captain spacemuckledydoo and the Lone Rangerboy, or some other nonsense like that. He's just a little shmucky kid that acts strange. I have never seen Calvin actually, conscientiously do harm with malicious intent in any of his 'strips. Bart, on the other hand, is Eddy Haskell, Biff, and Zach Morris all rolled into one- on steroids. Oh, another thing- if you see the proportion of Calvin to his parents, you'll notice that Bart is actually about TWICE AS LARGE as the kid! He could stuff him in the laundry basket or something, and get to some real work.

- Hubert

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Springfield v. South Park
Tigger v. Hobbes
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches