Bart and Calvin had other ideas. In the hours preceding Jan's arrival, Calvin and Bart made a little wager. Whoever got the babysitter to run screaming from the house first got to eat the half gallon of ice cream in the freezer as well as choose TV shows for the rest of the night. Whoever lost had to clean up the mess before Calvin's parents got back. Either way, it's going to be Jan's worst nightmare.
So, Brian, who's going to win this babysitter-bashing competition?
Calvin thinks he's a terror. From Spaceman Spiff (tm) to T. Rex (tm) to Snow Goons (tm), Calvin has done miraculous and unbelievable things. But the key word there is "thinks". While he is imagining himself as Captain Napalm (tm), he's actually just a small boy stuck in a closet. Bart, on the other hand, IS a terror. He's already turned one babysitter into a basketcase ("Put it down, Bart!"), hogtied another, and sent a third into flashbacks of his previous acts of terror. He's also driven Moe into a murderous rage with nothing but the sound of his voice. Surely, Bart will have Jan so full of sheer terror so quickly that he'll be gulping down ice cream before Calvin can even get a firm grip on Hobbes.
STEVE: As you mentioned, Bart is not the most imaginative boy, and is not the brightest boy either. This will be his downfall. While Bart will be thinking about how to gross her out or how to trick her into leaving, Calvin will attack Jan's big weakness -- her mind. Calvin is just plain weird, and even frightens his own parents. Jan will not be able to handle Calvin's onslaught of creativity, especially given her Brady Bunch origins. Jan will arrive to see snowmen in the front yard holding picket signs reading "Jan Leave Now". A few snowballs may even strike her before she enters the house.
But the wierdness has just begun. A quick game of Calvin-Ball will surely put Jan over the edge. Without a grasp of the many nuances of Calvin-Ball, Jan is surely mincemeat. And the way Calvin is always talking to Hobbes like he's real-- the mere witnessing of such a spectacle is likely to send naive Jan running for home. And of course, if Jan needs to give Calvin a bath, it's a guaranteed victory for Calvin.
And where is Bart throughout all this? Bart started watching TV, and got distracted. He's forgotten all about the contest, thinking that he'll win anyway, like when he ran for class president. Meanwhile, Calvin sweeps the victory from beneath him.
BRIAN: You predict Calvin skills accurately, Steve, but you massively overestimate their power. All those things you mention Calvin doing will merely rattle Jan, not destroy her. Jan isn't that unstable. After all, she was able to survive three annoying brothers and an even more maddening onslaught of polyester for years without having a single nervous breakdown. And what will all of this rattling do? Well, first, it will get Calvin sent to his room. Or are we forgetting how easily Calvin is sent to his room? Second, it will just set the pins up to make it easier for Bart to knock them down.
Calvin is mischievous -- but Bart is evil. Calvin will have to go further than he usually does to make Jan loco. IF he is willing to go that far, he won't realize it time. Bart has it in his genes. We're talking about a kid that set Homer's tie on fire 15 seconds after he was born! That's pure evil! Calvin doesn't have the experience and, more importantly, he just doesn't have it in him to do what is necessary to win. He'll have 1,000 fantasies involving Jan being blown up, eating, transmorgrified, etc., but that's exactly what they will be: fantasies!
And to suggest Bart would be distracted by TV! Ha! The episode you reference is foolishly irrelevent as he was never interested in being class president; he was interested in popularity. He let his guard down in regards to the election, but never the popularity. He stayed focused on the true task at hand. Watching TV won't get him the ice cream...and he knows it. I tell you that boy is EEEE-VVVIIILLLL!!
STEVE: Nice try, but there is another force at work here which will insure Calvin's victory. Bart is a Simpson. The Simpson family has some sort of genetic defect which precludes them from winning anything. Although it might appear that they've actually won sometimes, it always turns out that they've lost after all. For instance, Stampy the elephant was won by Bart, but turned out to be disastrous. Homer won tickets to the Candy Industry Trade Show, but ended up being accused of sexual harrassment after the Gummi Venus de Milo incident. The list goes on and on. And that doesn't even include the times when they just outright lose from the start. If there's one thing the Simpsons are good at, it's losing. With a track record like that, how can Bart possibly win this wager? Calvin will wind up on the couch, with ice cream in one hand, and the remote control in the other. End of story.
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As a commercial break interrupts the Monkees Reunion special, Jan decides to grab a snack. Pony-tail waving behind her, she walks obliviously to the kitchen. Little does she realize Calvin lies in wait with his patented slush ball. He takes aim, cocks his arm, and >POW<. The snowball is knocked from his hand by a small projectile. He turns and finds Bart Simpson loading another pebble into his slingshot. "Good thing I stole this from Dennis Mitchell this morning," laughs Bart.
Calvin hadn't planned on a direct confrontation with Bart, but he's not going to sit idly by. He pulls out his transmogrifier gun and levels it at the yellow-skinned boy. Bart, like most people, mistakes it for a simple dart-gun, and bolts from the room. Calvin fires and misses, hitting the sofa instead. "Drat," he thinks, "Do I chase him or get the babysitter? I can't be at two places at once. Or can I?" With a devious grin, he runs up the stairs, past the giant slug covered in doilies and throw pillows.
Jan gets out the bread and peanut butter.
In his room, Calvin drags the duplicator from his closet. Setting the ethicator to "morally lax", he jumps in. >BOINK< Out pop two Calvins. "This looks like a job for Stupendous Man!" "First we have to find Simpson", argues the other, "and for that you'll need me, Tracer Bullet!"
Meanwhile, Bart has snuck into the kitchen with an iguana stolen from the neighborhood geek. "Once she gets a look at Quincy, she'll freak!" But as the iguana approaches her, her swaying hair and insipid humming of "Daydream Believer" puts the slow-witted animal to sleep, and it curls up in the pantry. "Doh!"
Jan gets a butter knife from the utensil drawer.
Bart bolts out the door, hops on his skateboard, and zooms down the hill, the swarm of bees hot on his trail. Calvin chases after him on foot, but realizes he'll never catch up, and goes back for transportation. His F-14 still has glue smeared on the windshield, and a broken throttle. Spiff's gleeming red spaceship is in the garage, but so is Calvin's two-wheeler, waiting to pounce on him. He settles for his trusty wagon.
Jan spreads peanut butter on the toasted bread.
By this time Bart has prepared for Calvin, and sprayed the sidewalk with a garden hose, making a thin sheen of ice. Calvin spins out of control, hitting Bart. Both go flying into the snowman being built by Susie and her slumber party friends.
"Bart!" yells Lisa, "you ruined it!"
"You know this blockhead?" asks Lucy. She and Peppermint Patty start pelting the boys with snowballs, as they duck for cover.
"Finally," thinks Bart, "now that Nelson and Moe are fighting each other, I can finish this once and for all." He starts towards Calvin, who limps towards him.
Jan finishes pouring her milk and heads towards the living room.
Suddenly, she lets out a high-pitched scream. "Aaaaah! A tiger!" Sure enough, Hobbes is in the kitchen. Calvin pictures the carnage; the horrific bloodletting, the merciless slashing. He smiles.
But when Jan emerges from the kitchen, she's still whole. Indeed, she's grinning insipidly. "And he's wearing jams! I've got to show Cindy!" And momentarily forgetting her babysitting duties, she bolts from the house to find her sister.
Calvin wolfs down the ice cream, while Bart settles for Jan's peanut butter and fluff sandwhich.
- Jim Gerace
Being the evil boy he is, Bart will try to eliminate his competition. Knowing Calvin is "wildly imaginative" but easily frightened by such fantasies as "monsters under the bed"(tm), Bart will drop hints that he is not what he seems. First, he'll start with the facial expressions, the body movements and the strange accent. Then Calvin will catch Bart drinking "blood" - actually water with food coloring. Now with his opponent in complete disarray, the "boy" goes for the kill and tells his true story about being on a UFO. Calvin, convinced his friend is actually a blood-sucking alien, will make a run for it and lock himself in his parents' room.
Unfortunately for Bart, Calvin is so scared he calls the police and claims that a space vampire is trying to kill him. Of course, the police will ignore the claim but the federal agents monitoring the line will be very interested. After confirming with visual inspection that the subject has odd yellow skin, three fingers and no hair line, they go into action. Before you can say X-Files, Agents Mulder and Scully will have abducted the young Simpson and brought him to an abandoned Army base in New Mexico where he will undergo extensive biological testing.
Meanwhile, Jan Brady, whose mental health was never good to begin with, is really freaked after the kidnapping incident. Captain Napalm's dart gun counter-offensive against alien intruders will just be too much. Jan will be found naked weeks later, mumbling to herself in a dumpster behind a local 7-11. Fortunately for Calvin, his mental health will be quickly healed by a half gallon of ice cream and an all-nite movie monster marathon..
- Paul Golba
Calvin, believing he has won, starts laughing. Just as he starts laughing, the front door busts open, and to his horror, Calvin sees the only person he has ever feared- ROSALYN. She points to the upstairs room that belongs to Calvin, and he takes off in a mist of screams and terror. NOW the real fight begins.
Now she turns to Bart and asks what his name is, Bart responds by saying "You could call me Bart S....no wait call me B. Simpson...doh!" She looks at Bart and Bart looks at her, then she says "come on boy" and the brawl starts.
After about twenty minutes of fighting, Bart feels he is losing so he picks up the phone and calls Groundskeeper Willie and says that an old decendent of King Edward of England (the guy who killed William Wallace) has been touching him in very unpleasant places. About five minutes later Willie breaks down the door, wearing some old Scotish war garb. (kilt, etc..) and says "I'm gonna kick your GOOD Damn English AASSS you BASSTARRRRRD!" After he rips off his shirt to show his masculine body, he picks up the babysitter and throws her out the door. Then he starts to run out the door when his kilt gets caught in the door and is torn off exposing his butt. He says "Damn" and the lady across the street screams, he responds by saying "OHHH Shuut up ya old windbag!" As Ned Flanders drives by and says "goodly god old neighborroony". Willie eventually takes off and Bart has won. HA-HA
- Tim Getschow
The Brady Bunch was a prime example of this, rife with maniacal laughter and the limp "wa-wa" bassoon noise of loss(tm). Bart's antics will create incidental music, he too lives in the magic land of television. Jan will know how to deal with them. Calvin's activities, however, will be quite different.
Calvin is a creature of the print media--he has no laugh track, no incidental music. His only indicators are line weight and the presence of white/black space. We should also remember that his strip is discontinued, and he'll be hurtin' for public attention of any kind (something he thrives upon).
Before you can say "mad tiger mauling" Jan Brady will be assaulted by a stuffed tiger, weilded by a screaming child. Without the cues of music or laughter, she'll be totally confused and therefore more likely to crack. Bart mixes Manhattans and mops up for the rest of the night.
Bart Simpson is Banality. He is coarse, vulgar, and destructive. Possessed of little creativity and less intelligence, his skills arise from the dark cesspools of the human soul. There is little of the glorious evil megalomaniac in Bart; he is more like a redneck gone 'round the bend. Calvin is Insanity. Whereas Bart's darker impulses are inspired by that which is familiar to most of us, Calvin draws his strength from the outer limits of the mind. He is creative, bizarre, and unpredictable.
Thus, the question arises: Which of these two will have more of an effect on Jan Brady? As Steve grasped, banality is similar to the forced conformity and mundanity of the Brady household. With all vestiges of intelligent and creative thought banished, as they are in that family, it is but a short step towards crude, pointless evil. Bart will shock and repulse Jan at first, but she will be able to adjust to it. Calvin, on the other hand, is the embodiment of forces and ideas that Jan has never before come into contact with--creativity, free thought, and chaos. This would be startling enough for a Brady in simple contact with them; when they are directed against Jan, she will quickly snap under the strain.
- Matthew L. Martin, University Center Rochester
Why, as STUPENDOUS MAN he has leapt into the kitchen and made off with the ice cream already! By the time Bart's finished with Jan, so has Calvin finished with the ice cream. Calvin doesn't care about the night's TV viewing... he has his imagination to keep him occupied.
So, a moral victory to Calvin.
- David Mar, Sydney, Australia.
- Colin Simpson, United Kingdom
- Chris Salter
- packy, CEO/WebMaster, Dardan Web Associates
If you doubt the winner, ask someone who has had the bad fortune of taking care of other people's kids. I've actually babysat Bart Simson (or some demon-spawned lookalike). There is no living Hell like it.
- Adam Arabian
- Justin "Kingfish" Finnegan
- gagan, Univeristy of Wisconsin-Stout
I will not grease the monkey bars I am not a dentist Bart bucks are not legal tender I will not spin the turtleAnyways you get my drift
- TxWarEagl, Houston, TX
"You see Calvin," Bart tried to explain, "I am the spawn of hell's evil!" Calvin looked at Bart waiting for an explanation. "Come down to the basement Calvin.....and I will show you....." Calvin, quietly followed Bart down the basement steps. Bart stopped in front of an old furnace heater. Bart opened the small furnace door with a loud squeak (from the door - not Bart). "You see," continued Bart, "I am the only one who will hurt our sitter." "What do you mean Bart......I don't get it." "Shut-up and listen man!" Bart snapped. Bart reached up in the furnace and took out an old brown cloth. "I was given the power to horrible things, evil things........" Bart's eyes glazed over as he began to reminisce about the day he received his power...... Calvin was beginning to get worried. He had never noticed his friend behave like this before. "What's going on Bart.....are you gonna tell me or what?" Bart looked up at Calvin and glared. The stare made Calvin take a step back.....the stare was evil itself......an evil he had never thought could exist. ^It was almost a year ago when he gave this to me. He told me that he would give me wondrous power, incredible destruction, and prevent anyone from ever truly knowing if it was me who would commit evil acts." Bart began to unfold the brown cloth..... Hobbes, who all this time had been standing beside Calvin, whispered in his ear. Calvin jumped at Hobbes' voice. "Where the heck did you come from Hobbes?" Calvin asked in fright... "I snuck up on you....duh....I'm a tiger....wild and cunning.....you just didn't hear me." ^Well, what did you want Hobbes?" "I was just trying to whisper to you how weird this is. Haven't you noticed how it almost seems like that scene from Nightmare on Elm Street?" "Not really! It must just be a coincidence that this seems........" Calvin broke off what he was saying. Calvin glared at what Bart had unwrapped. Lying in the center of the brown cloth was a black, leather Isotoner glove with blood stains. Calvin knew immediately of the power of the glove. "You see Calvin," Bart spoke as he pulled the black glove on (good fit....just the right size), "this is a Simpson glove, and I am a Simpson! I have been chosen to carry the evil onward......and tonight it begins with the Brady bitch!" Bart erupted into laughter as the furnace suddenly ignited. Calvin, temporarily losing control of his bladder, realized that he was going to win because the sitter was going to scream.....but she would never make it out the door!- The Unicorn
"Simpson! Why are all the evil men in the world named SIMPSON!
- The Pegasus
Bart appears to win initially, but looses in the end with a stomachache and four parents pissed at him.
- Charles Kelly
While Calvin is scraping his tiger out of the microwave, Bart would be on the couch eating ice cream, watching PPV movies on cable and downing a Duff beer.
- Chris Roper, Virginia Tech
- Eric Klinker
While Calvin builds a sand-castle death-trap, Bart will mutter "this sucks" and, borrowing from Homer, "lousy sandbox!" Inside he goes to catch the end of Itchy & Scratchy. Little does he know a man-eating tiger waits hungrily.
Calvin may be able to come out of these encounters dirty and bruised, but Bart doesn't stand a chance. Unlike Calvin, he has no idea that it's coming. And with such a chubby paunch, he won't last a minute. Imagine Hobbes' fervor when he finally gets to rip into a fleshy belly. No sooner does Bart open the front door than FWOOSH!-- an orange and black hell-cat pounces out of the air, tearing at Bart with animalistic ferocity. By the time Jan gets to the house, Bart will be nothing more than a discrete pile of bones by the side of the house.
This will leave Calvin the whole night to execute his unholy plot, driving the baby-sitter insane in a matter of a few hours. The downside is that Hobbes will claim the rights to the TV, and Calvin will have to clean up after himself. But that's a minor price to pay for winning the contest.
- Number Six
Bart's evil intentions dissolve in a flood of testosterone and he is content to sit like a doggie at her feet. Meanwhile, Stupendous Man (TM), who only meets his match in arch-enemy Rosalyn the Babysiter Girl (TM), enjoys an evening snack of (he announces loudly) armpit cheese and mashed centipedes. He drops a delectable dollop of dough on Jan's lap from the staircase and KAPOW! she's out the door in a bolt of crimson. Another victory for the defender of the baby-sat!!
- Jeffery Fiducia
Even though Bart's antagonistic skills well surpass Calvin's, Calvin will win in the end. Bart's strategies will be *so* effective that they will trigger Jan's latent murderous impulses, and the two of them will end up having a knock-down-drag-out involving sharp kitchen utensils. They will end up mortally wounding each other and will bleed to death before anyone can arrive - because no one will be called. Calvin's escapist abilities allow him to calmly step over the squirming bloodied soon-to-be-corpses and retrieve the ice cream. He'll be able to create a fantasy scenario that will allow him to ignore the moans coming from the kitchen, and will spend the remainder of the evening engorging himself in front of the tube.
- Leilah Blakeney Toth, University of Toledo
- Martindale Productions
Calvin, on the other hand, does poorly in school because he is 1) unmotivated and 2) too smart for most of his class. He's already demonstrated vast knowledge of English, politics, and art, and has shown uncanny insight into the disturbing psyche of today's society. For all the Barts out there, this means that Calvin's a smart dude.
Remember that Bart not only had to get Lisa's help in apprehending a wanted felon, but he LET HER GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Bart, powerful even in the face of his parents? Hah, I say. HAH! Calvin, on the other hand, has caused babysitters to laugh at his mother when she asks for services. He narrowed down the number of potential babysitters in a relatively well-off suburban neighborhood to ONE. This is NOT a kid who rattles his sitters with "fantasies." He's ruthless (will flush homework down a toilet), intelligent, and cruel. He'll doubtlessly do a little research on his new victim, and have her out of the house quicker than you can say "Stupendous Man."
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa -- Oh, and Radioactive Man is a mere ripoff of Atomic Man. ;)
Besides, Calvin has lots more vocabulary than Jan will ever dream of.
- Michael Lacroix
Bart has climbed through the window and ran to the door to begin his ever irritating game. His plan: To ring the door bell a zillion times, always hiding before the door is opened. An old trick, but one that never fails to drive one clinically insane if played right. A devious plan indeed.
Calvin, however, uses a slightly different tactic. Unlike Bart, he has studied his adversary on television, and knows what Jan's weakness is, and how it can be exploited. He has prepared (after all, he was a boy scout at one time). His plot is fiendishly clever. He makes his preparations, and hides in the closet.
Jan reaches the room. Her hand slowly makes its way to the shiny brass knob. Trembling with nervousness and anticipation, she turns her hand to the right. Will they like her? Will they accept her as their own? Would they all be friends? She hoped so. She had so many fun things planned for them all. What fun it would be to have a gunny sack race outside! With everybody smilin', sunshine day. Everybody laughin', sunshine day! Oh, didn't she feel happy today.
She opens the door, and steps into the room. The door shuts behind her. The walls are covered with pictures and posters of a girl. How cute, she thinks. Then she takes a closer look. "My, the face on all these pictures sure looks familiar," she says. Then it suddenly dawns on her. She knows that girl, whose face plasters the walls. It's Marsha! There are newspaper clippings on the floor, Jan kneels down to look at them. She reads the headline: 'Oldest Brady daughter to star in school play' "No!" Jan screams. "I tried out for that part, I was better! I should have got the role as Juliet!" She begins to pull her hair, "why is it always Marsha Marsha Marsha!" Marsha is everywhere! Jan turns, Marsha is there. She covers everything. She always gets the recognition, the fame, the boys. Jan screams, and runs out of the room. Down the stairs she goes, and flings open the front door. "Marsha Marsha Marsha!" Can be heard as she trips over Bart, who was just about to ring the doorbell. Calvin and Hobbes follow her to the door in time to see the two collide, and without further ado, shut and lock the door.
Calvin sits down on the couch and searches for his program while Hobbes gets the ice cream and a can of tuna to celebrate the day's success. Calvin would have both Jan and Bart out of the house in 45 seconds flat.
"This is a job for stupendous man!" he shouts and pelts the girl with water balloons. "Get Rid Of Slimy girlS!"
Jan screams and runs out of the house to get away, being the humorless, mindless, creativeless,(the list goes on and on!) girl that she is, and Calvin shuts the door, securing the dead bolt so that she can't get back in.
Unfortunately, it is only a mental victory. Caught up in the melee, Calvin didn't notice Bart creep down the stairs and take the ice cream for himself. The carton is empty, and Bart's round stomach is a little rounder.
This is what I think would happen, but actually, it's pretty hard to say. They may not have even made the bet in the first place, because the only way Calvin can talk is if words appear in a bubble over his head, and, unfortunately, Bart wouldn't be able to read them.
- Finliad Dewphire (Josie)
- Cliff Walker Arceneaux, North Carolina State University
Calvin on the other hand is younger and therefore immune to feminine wiles (still believes in the powers of cooties). Evidence, he is emperor/king/president of G.R.O.S.S (Get Rid Of Slimey girlS) and he has moral support in the form of Hobbes to keep him on task (eliminating the babysitter, not falling for her).
The evening will progress as follows: Jan walks in, Bart is mesmerized by her beauty, glasses, braces, brown, horizontal striped, tight polyester shirt with matching knee socks. Calvin is also awestruck with one particular feature, the braces. Calvin immediately goes for his erector set. Hobbes tackles Jan (a move he learned in Calvin-ball tm) and puts her in a headlock while Calvin builds a digital satellite dish on her face so he can get the Cartoon Network tm (call your cable operator for more information). Where is Bart during all this...trying to think of something clever to say to impress this 70's goddess.
Somehow Jan manages to break free (probably fairly simple since Hobbes is _just a stuffed animal_, Santa Claus isn't real either) and call Doug. Doug, as you will recall, is the most popular boy in school who doesn't have a date for the big dance because Marcia has a swollen nose. Just as Jan is getting into Doug's convertible, she reaches over, yanks Bart's still beating heart from his chest and says "You won't be needing _this_anymore!"
Calvin wins and gets to eat all the ice cream. Unfortunately, since Bart was killed, he also has to clean up. A moral victory at best.
- KJackson, Jacksonville University -- An oldest child with superior intellect (and degrees)
Again the deciding factor is overlooked as our intrepid commentators swap anecdotes. Sigh... well, boys, here's what you ignored: allies.
Yeah, Bart's mean and so is Calvin, but who will help Bart? Lisa? Too much of a goody-two-shoes. Homer? More of a liablility then a boon. Milhaus? Milhaus is undoubtedly a power to be reckoned with, but doubtless he has more important things to do. Maggie will, in time, be the master of them all, but that time has not yet come.
Calvin, on the other hand, has the First Tiger of GROSS on his side-- the Almighty Hobbes. Some foolish would think he is but a figment of Calvin's imagination-- little do they know that he is real and it is we who are the figment. Anyway, while the small-minded Bart is kept busy by Calvin's mind tricks and ice sculptures ('Bart! Is that Krusty out in the yard being attacked by a snow goon?' 'And look, here comes Sideshow Bob behind him...'), Hobbes is toying with her of the Family We Do Not Name. Assuming she doesn't get messily devoured, all Hobbes need do is sing the praises of Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! and the vile sister will soon be reduced to a quivering wreck.
Now what do we do to the other seven Bradys?
But wait, you say. The Transmogrifier only works in Calvin's psychodelic mind! You forget about Jan. A good quality of a babysitter is the ability to empathize with her charges. This subhuman is so sensitive and stupid that she will actually believe the horrors that Calvin feeds to her. She will stare directly into the abyss called Calvin's mind, and that will be the end of Jan as we know it. Her mind will overload and she will run screaming in horror for the rest of her life until she dies in the mental institution.
- Scott Muir, Duke University
- Andy Hollmers
- Derek Fehler
Here's the sad tale of young Jan Brady Condemned to babysit Calvin and Bart Both were evil incarnate, they made a bet Who'd freak her out the first... Calvin started, with a fire hose Which left poor Jan soaked from head to toe Bart continued, with a can of Mace (tm) Jan's clawing at her eyes. For his next trick Calvin became Captain Napalm And he burned the poor young blonde into a crisp Bart then countered, with a steam roller Jan's a potato chip It wasn't long before Jan stopped moving The two bad boys figured it was a tie She was too easy to kill, not a challenge They'll settle it next time...
- Dane S. McGregor, Winnipeg, Manitoba
1.The Notes Down the Toilet incident. This shows Calvins knack for finding a weakness and exploiting it. Unlike Bart, who would be a more simplisticly destructive foe, much like a George Foreman in his prime, Calvin comes out like Ali, with a calculating mind.
2.The Noodle Incident. While this has never been publicised, it was enough to garner months of reoccurance. Bart wouldn't come up with something quite so memorable.
3.Calvin has Hobbes in his corner. Every great fighter needs a good manager. Calvin has Hobbes, who will be looking out for some Ice Cream. Hobbes wisdom will come as a boon, if not just something else for Calvin to misunderstand. Bart is acting solo here. That could be another problem.
4.Barts weakness: Video Games. If Jan makes Bart some form of offer, this could tie him up for a while. Calvin is not able to be bribed.
Matt Bricker, Goshen College
It has been pointed out that Bart is evil. How do evil people win contests? Usually by sabotaging the opponent. Calvin will construct one of his 'interesting' snowmen. As Calvin turns his back to talk to Hobbs, Bart will sneak out and disfigure the snowman so it looks normal. This will be the basic pattern of the contest. Calvin, being more creative and on his home turf, will have the intiative. Bart will be too busy sabotaging Calvin's attempts, to amount an assualt of his own.
The other consideration is the Jan Brady Defense (tm). Jan Brady is a teenager. Like all teenage babysitters, she will sit on the couch and pick up the phone. At this point, all is lost. She will gab for hours, with other girls, boys, friends, boys, her sisters, boys, classmates, boys ... Nothing short of setting the house on fire will get her attention. And since Bart is nullifying everything Calvin does there is no hope.
When the parents come home, there will be two exhausted childern and a baby sitter caught up on all the latest gossip.
Bart is distracted by the television and Calvin surges ahead with his Spaceman Spiff and CalvinBall routines. Bart soon realises that the contest won't be a sure thing after all and joins in. Both boys immediately pick up on the inner conflicts that are precursors to Jans eventual psychotic break with reality and begin mercilessly pushing Jans buttons, Bart by making subtle references to her "twisted" sexual appetites and what a young lady of less than perfect beauty would do to fulfill those longings, Calvin by proving that not only is *he* smarter than she is but so is everyone else. In both cases, these boys are battering at the walls of Jans self image, and when those walls finally crumble before the massed onslaught of *both* Calvin and Bart...
Anyway, when the parents finally get home, Jan will be sitting naked in the basement, cracking open the bones of Calvin and Bart to get at the soft, slurppy marrow within. IMHO
- Kevin Maring
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Tigger v. Hobbes
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