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Somewhere in Hong Kong -- In the basement of a supposedly abandoned warehouse, an illicit tournament reaches its climax. Hundreds of spectators jam the seats, all shouting at once, as bookmakers roam the aisles carrying fistfuls of a dozen currencies, calling out their odds on the championship fight mere moments away. Into the dirt-floored ring steps Bruce Lee, stripped to the waist, and the crowd goes mad. Girding his forehead is a strip of black fabric torn from the outfit of Steven Seagal, whom he demolished in the semifinals. He gives a quick smile to his girlfriend -- the only blond American woman in the crowd, naturally -- and bows to the referee. The din grows louder still with the arrival of his opponent. Jackie Chan won the fastest victory in the tournament to reach this match, catching Jean-Claude van Damme in the middle of a split with a move called "Enter the Scrotum". He winks at his girlfriend -- the only blond American woman in the crowd, naturally -- before bowing to his opponent. The referee steps into the middle of the ring, chops his hand down hard, and gets out of the way. The ultimate martial arts battle has begun! So Shane, which fu fighter's flying feet and furious fists flatten his foe?
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The Commentary Shane: This match is over before it begins. Literally. In Enter the Dragon, during one of Bruce Lee's self-guided tours of Han's island fortress, the alarm is sounded and an ungodly number of henchmen converge on him. One of them gets Lee in a bear hug, but Lee breaks his grip, then his neck. The hugger in question is Jackie Chan. Bruce Lee wins, because he's already killed his opponent. That's it. Really. I'm done. Don't waste your time responding. I'm going to go read a book. Paul: Well, I hope you pick up something by James Michener. That should give me enough time (barely) to belittle your argument. Plus the book can double as a primitive anesthesia device in case you wish to put yourself out of your misery. Since you wish to point out past history, let's get a more complete view. In Fist of Fury, Bruce Lee kicked Jackie Chan off a twenty foot ledge onto an unforgiving cement floor. Yet Jackie Chan survived. Then in Enter the Dragon, he not only suffered the indignity you so much relish, but also was conked on the head with an errant nunchucka swing from Mr. Lee. Yet Jackie Chan survived. Then in their third encounter... well, there wasn't any third encounter. And there is a good reason for that - Bruce Lee was DEAD before there was a third encounter. Jackie Chan went on to become the next big Asian action movie star. Coincidence? I don't think so. But let us assume for the sake of the match that Bruce Lee isn't still taking a dirt nap and is still in his prime. So what has Bruce been doing for the past twenty five years? Most likely, he has been busy destroying every last copy of the dreadful movie Rapid Fire starring his son Brandon while simultaneously trying to stop his daughter Shannon from embarrassing herself as the announcer for cheesy fake Saturday morning martial arts shows. In that time, Jackie Chan has been making movies in which he kicks the ass of a disproportionate number of Australians. Yes, he has been engaging in combat with the craziest white people in the entire world - a race that has produced wackos like Crocodile Dundee, Outback Jack (to be that lousy of a wrestler take guts), half the cast of Sci-Fi Channel hit Farscape and the utterly insane Steve Irwin AKA The Crocodile Hunter. Yes, Australia produced a man who wrestles gators with his bare hands and plays with the tails of deadly snakes and Jackie uses them for warm-ups. I'm sorry, but no man named "Bruce" has a hope in hell. But what did you expect from a man who doesn't do his own stunts? Sure, Bruce performed choreographed fight scenes against stuntmen. But when it was time to do the dangerous stuff, Bruce Lee used a stunt double. Meanwhile, Jackie is arguably the greatest stuntman alive. Expect to see Jackie Chan propelled through the roof by a Bruce Lee kick only to perform a death defying gymnastics display on live power lines, then narrowly catch hold of an out of control helicopter and finally crash land into the arena without getting a scratch. Afterwards, Jackie hams it up for the camera. Bruce Lee is just hamburger. What did you expect from someone who's biggest starring role was to play a sidekick named "Kato"? Shane: Nice try, but that limp O.J. reference plays right into my hands. Bruce plays a supporting character on an unsuccessful TV series, and decades later, valley dudes are nicknaming themselves after him. That is the mark of an Icon™, of the same caliber as John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart. His early death merely reinforces this, as he is Gone Before His Time, like James Dean and recent Grudge victor John Belushi. He is the stuff of legend, and it’s pretty darn tough to beat a legend. Jackie Chan’s record against Australians doesn’t put him in that league. We saw their prowess in Enter the Dragon, where a loutish (i.e., average) Aussie named Parsons got stranded in a dinghy by Bruce without his lifting a finger. (Another character says he’s from New Zealand, but you don’t get that accent and arrogance in Christchurch. He’s obviously hiding his true heritage.) His next trick was to get waxed like a Ferrari in the tournament by the Token Black Guy, which is to self-respect what salt is to slugs. This from the country that got overrun by a bunch of rabbits! Jackie Chan’s on a par with large fuzzy rodents. I am not impressed. Neither am I impressed by his stunts, because that’s all they are. This match isn’t pre-choreographed and rehearsed, and there will be no convenient props. His dependence on them puts him in the same pitiable category as Carrot Top and Gallagher. If Jackie thinks Bruce is going to cooperate with his “Hold this watermelon on your head while I fetch the Sledge-o-matic” trick, he is in for serious disappointment/disassembly. Maybe Jackie’s a match for Sammo Hung--but Bruce already dispatched him effortlessly in the first scene of Enter, something it took CBS Programming two years to manage. This being a pure match of body and will, Jackie’s body will be broken by the greatness that is Bruce Lee. Paul: Are you saying that Carrot Top is not dangerous? There is no man is more deadly to a Hollywood career. Carrot Top himself could easily turn Bruce Lee into a whimpering mess. But even Carrot Top is no match for Jackie Chan. Jackie jumps off buildings onto airborne helicopters. Jackie water skis with a broken ankle in a cast. He once fell off a 30 foot ledge and fell on his head and survived. Most impressive, this was a man that made a movie with sonic boom voice Chris Tucker and LIVED with his SANITY INTACT. There is absolutely nothing that Bruce Lee can do to him that he hasn't seen worse. But I am glad you brought up Sammo. According to Jackie Chan's bio, Sammo Hung once went one-on-one for real against Bruce Lee in a test of martial arts. It was a draw. Since Sammo happens to be Jackie Chan's BEST FRIEND, his experience gives Jackie the vital edge. Throw in the support of his brothers Lo Hung and Well Hung and it simply isn't a contest. With death you get egg roll.
Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this match.
Jackie Chan (1021 - 51.0%)
chop sueys
Bruce Lee (980 - 49.0%)
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Jackie Chan quote: "I'm not like Bruce Lee. He kick high. I kick low." Now, using my Dark Helmet and Lone Star action figures, I will demonstrate what happens when one man kicks high while another kicks low... ... Ooooh. Well, say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean the only blond American girl in the Winnebago. - Todd Evil
Bruce Lee was a philosophy major in college. Ordinarily this fact is enough to have him lose, and lose hard. Philosophy majors' arguments can be quieted quite quickly with any sort of punch to the face and/or genitalia. But I believe it should be a winning quality for this match. Why? Because it needs to have at least one useful quality. A philosophy major is up there with art history and film as the useless major triumvirate. Your fate unravels before people like a pair of homemade socks when you announce it. You didn't have your parents pay four (or five and a half) years of college so you could party, or gain a single employable job skill. You did it to 'improve your mind' in areas that will never be useful to anyone. You'll be the guy writing "The Metaphysics of Babylon 5." You'll hear Immanuel Kant's name and not giggle. You'll own those Spaulding-Gray-at-a-table movies. You'll be a Communist seeking revolution on even numbered days, a capitalist seeking to spread your financial dominion on odd days, but both days you'll just be planted on a couch playing Dreamcast. In short, a philosophy major tells the whole world that, yes, your head is firmly up your ass and no, it's not coming out any time soon. I'm a philosophy minor. My major was something profoundly useful (OK, English) but I decided to blow six electives and get a minor. What sort? Well, since there was no film or art history program at my school, it had to be philosophy. Several hundred hours later, I can tell you about qualia epiphenomalism and Heraclitus, but not how this knowledge has improved my life one iota. I could have whittled in that time, saved thousands in student loans, and have little wooden gnomes to sell to make a profit. Thus, I'd like there to be at least one thing that this $80,000 piece of paper is good for. The occurrence of another philosophy major in the Grudge Match ain't happening soon (I think Mr. T was an ethics major) so making this proclamation will affect this match only. (Unless fellow major Steve Martin is in one, versus Bill Murray for funny people with boatloads of bad movies under their belt. Throw Dan Aykroyd in for that, also.) This will turn the Grudge Match into a public service (not that having Regis getting the snot kicked out of him isn't public service enough). And, in my mind, would turn all of you guys into heroes. But only if you'd also pay off my student loans. - Kilgore Trout
It is still a vivid memory, even after all these years. I'm sitting in Film class at good old Bonny Eagle High School (slogan: Two fewer out-of-wedlock births than last year!!) watching Enter The Dragon. In fact, watching the very "self-guided tour of Han's island fortress" scene that Shane mentioned. And as if he's in the room now, I can hear Mr. Burgoin's voice, filled with horror: "Oh NO!! For the love of Pete, DON'T give him a stick!! Gotta go with Bruce. - Mr. Silverback- In one hour you will be hungry again. Lucky Numbers: 3, 8, 30, 64 and pi.
This is one match that requires a real expert on cool and Yo Bad Self, so.. Shift scene to a diner where two men are sitting in a booth. One is a white guy with long slicked back hair and a dark, vampirish suit eating a cheeseburgher, and the other is a a black man with jerricurl hair and eyes that blaze fire. He is reading a newspaper. Jules "WHAT THE (multiple explitives deleted)??" Vincent (used to this) "What?" Jules "It says here that on the WWWF Bruce Lee is fightin' Jackie Chan, What the (multiple explitives deleted) kind of (multiple explitives deleted again)is that?" Vincent "Isn't Bruce Lee dead?" Jules "So..." (he stares at his friend) Vincent "Oh, yeah, right" (Lights up a smile that would give a piranha shivers) Jules "Bruce Lee, Do you understand, Bruce Lee is BRUCE LEE. Bad MO FO (multiple explitives deleted) ka-arate, kung fooin, Woowoo-in big bad BRUCE LEE. Who do people think of when you say Bruce?" Vincent (thinks a bit) "Bruce the shark" Jules "Daaamm right. Don't forget Robert the Bruce, Bruce Boxleitner, Bruce Willi.." (Vincent looks up with a hurt expression on his face) Jules "Sorry, I know it's a sore spot. But there are some people YOU JUST DON'T MESS WITH. Muhammad Ali, Richard Petty, John Wayne, The Beatles,.." Vincent (without looking up) "Elvis" Jules "...Elvis, Shaft" Vincent (looking puzzled) "Shaft?" Jules "Don't worry about it. It's just that Jackie Ow doesn't stand a chance. It almost brings tears to my eyes to think of it. Hey where's the (multiple explitives deleted) waitress, I want my (multiple explitives deleted) Food! - Darth Brooks - If that ain't ROTW material I'll keep making rude comments about Britney Spears (Oops I did it again, eh) Oops indeed, Darth. To insure continued rude comments about Britney, we had to leave you off the ROTW roster. Sorry. -- Shane
Well, having just seen ENTER THE DRAGON this week, I'm swayed to the side of Lee-san. Chan(notice the absence of san) will fall before the first blow strikes. Why? Any strike from Lee-san is accompanied by a defaning crack. This crack will cause the small, weak brain of chan to vibrate and fly out the hole left by his 30 foot fall. Then Lee-sans homie Kareem Abdul-Jabar will catch the brain and slam-dunk it while Lee spouts off about fighting by not fighting. - SYKOJO (syko! syko! syko!) Odds are, that Jackie Chan is an undercover police officer, infiltrating the Illegal Triad Pit Fight Racket (Hong Kong chapter), and so he has backup waiting outside. Of course, that's not going to be much help during the fight: only after the final blow is struck, the Hong Kong Police Department will all arrive to make arrests. The police arrive late for the traditional reason: they have to move as a unit, and it takes hours to issue that many police officers with riot gear. Let's face it: Bruce Lee gets in trouble with the Law all the time (eg The Big Boss). Jackie Chan gets into trouble as well, but he usually gets to walk away at the end. (It's really the smart Hong Kong action hero move: break the law legally as a cop. As common in Hong Kong, as the burnt-out ex-special forces member in the US.) I only once saw him get imprisoned in a film (Powerman III), and then it was for rescuing his brother (played by Sammo Hung). I'm not sure about who'll actually win the fight: Jackie is hindered by the lack of tools and furniture, true enough, but Bruce Lee has that supposed curse that was meant to ace three generations of his family. Given that his son was #2, that must mean that it's his turn again. But at least they took out Seagal and Van Damme. John Woo will give both of them the Best Fight Scene Ever as a reward, I'll warrant. And even after it has won the Palme d'Or at Cannes, Hollywood (copyright: Satan) will only give them a "Best Foreign Film" Oscar. - A guy who dreams of winning a Grudgie I hate to say it, but Jackie is gonna get hosed on this one. We know Bruce Lee is very good. Jackie Chan is a good martial arts fighter, however that is not his true skill. Anyone watching a Jackie Chan movie knows that Jackie is at his best when he has an unusual object in his hands. Be that a chair, ladder, barstool etc. In this fight he will have to depend on his bare hands....something that he hasn't done since his early movies. Unless someone hands him a bottle of Jack Daniels so he can become drunken master, Bruce is gonna wipe the walls with him..... - Iguanagreg No contest, in this arena, Bruce kills Jackie. Of course if this match was done, say, with bruce and jackie stripped of everything they have and then dropped into an abandoned warehouse filled with useless and random junk (ie nothing resembling a weapon), Bruce is schooled by Jackie as he is pummeled by chairs, ladders, frying pans, rolling pins, a four pound tuna, and an empty box of Wheaties. - Robert Bruce Lee wins. Anyone who can defeat the 35-Year-Old Karate Kid (TM) and Arnold From Happy Days (TM) from beyond the grave after beating up a pile of sumo wrestlers has to get my vote. And all it took was a can of iced tea and an editing mistake in his favor. That's Brisk Baby!!!! - Jay I think if you examine more than the recent career of Jackie Chan, it should be obvious that he, not Bruce Lee, will win. I submit that Chan's movies since the mid-80s (Supercop and on) are too gimmicky and comedy-driven to be a true judge of his talent. We therefore have to look farther back, to his Druken Master/Spiritual Kung- fu/Shaolin Wooden Men (really) days. In these movies, which were true kung-fu movies, Chan followed a pretty steady formula: get his butt whupped, train train train, beat the bad guy in a big final contest (more recently adapted by the Karate Kid movies, albeit badly). As mentioned in your critique, Lee has beaten him on at least two occasions. This battle has all the markings of a big finale, and Chan has certainly been training, training, training since they last met. Lee will inevitably bloody Chan badly, at which point Chan will move into the Wretched Lemur stance (causing all the old masters in the audience to gasp, since they thought that style lost) and pummel a shocked Bruce Lee into oblivion. - Ray-Ray The winner is clear...I will win. I sent in a response to the Trebek/Sajak/Philbin match last week. It was a great response, complete with a Final Fantasy (tm) reference, a ninjitsu (tm) reference, and even a great Mortal Kombat (tm) reference in which the quintessential frat-boy Jimmy Kimmel was rightfully killed in the pit. However, you chose not to post my response (presumably because of a lack of insight into the match), despite these clever references. And now you will know MY rage (tm). That's right, not even Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee combined can stop me. If I wanted to, I could tear right through them both, being a black-belt in "rat poison in your lucky charms" (tm). However, I don't even have to leave my house, as I am a VooDoo High Priest (tm). That's right, Black Magic. With but a few pounds of sacrificial poultry (tm), I can make your limbs rot, I can make pimples fester on your eyeballs, and I can make Blockbuster (tm) send you notice after notice declaring that you will be reported to a credit agency if you do not pay off the $3.18 that you owe for your failure to return Armored Core:Project Phantasma (tm) on time. If I do not recieve a written apology signed by the entire WWWF staff and their immediate families, I will start killing chickens so fast that it will make your heads spin. VooDoo revenge! Don't think I'm serious? Then ignore this. When you recieve your first notice from Blockbuster (tm), know that it is only the beginning...and know that I AM SKULLKRUSHER! P.S. Please...do as he says! -the chickens - SkullKrusher Jackie Chan once said, "All my movies the same. I am good guy. Then there is bad guy." Now when was the last time you saw a martial arts movie where the good guy lost? - Infraggable Krunk-san I'd vote for Bruce Lee in a second if it were anyone other than Jackie that he was facing. But there is one tidbit of information that neither of our commentators is apparatly aware of... According to my Tae Kwon Do-obsessed friend (whom I take very seriously for no other reason than he doesn't know HOW to make stuff up) Jackie Chan actually did stunts FOR Bruce Lee on a number of occasions. Not only that, but they had the SAME MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTOR back in the day! The only difference is that Bruce left his training early to go become a Big Star(TM) whilst Jackie continued to learn the ways of Kung Fu. In other words, while Bruce may have The Rage(TM), Jackie's name can still be rearranged to spell "A cinch, Jake!". The argument speaks for itself. - Juxtapose 3 simple things here 1.Jackie can make anything into a weapon. 2.Bruce only uses his fists and legs 3.From every movie I've seen with Bruce Lee in it he misses them by about a foot and they still get K.O.ed The Fight: Chan:Bring it! Lee:HIIIII YAAA!!! (Lee goes for a kick misses by a couple feet and waits for Chan to fall instead he gets a punch in the face.) Chan:You Pathetic. (Chan grabs a toothpick and kicks it off his foot into the shoulder of Lee.) Lee:OWWW O AHII!!! (Lee finally getting the idea kicks Chan down and starts punching him senseless.) Chan:(Punch)ow.(punch)ow.(Punch)ow. (Chan escapes and grabs a spoon heaves it a Lee who kicks it back at him hitting and sticking in his eye) Chan:AHHH! (Chan is too wimpish to pull it out.) (Lee pulls a Ninja star out and throws at chan who duck,the Star hits Mr T. and Death soon happens to both"I pity da fool who hit me with a Ninja star!") Winner:Mr.T Actual match winner:Draw - The K.I.D. Killin' Intense Dave(Jr) Well, let's see....Jackie Chan in Rush Hour and Shanghai Noon, arguably two of the funniest movies ever made. Bruce Lee: Can't beat Karate Kid w/o Lipton Iced Tea. Sad. Not-so-ancient Chinese secret: Jackie Chan take this one. - The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie Ahh man, you can't pit two equal forces of utter kung-fu power against each other, if one does so, the world trembles, Good is destroyed, and Britney Spears becomes the undisputable Queen of Music. See!!! See!!! This match, for the love of all things good, decent, and holy, can not continue. However, since you did post it up, I'm gonna give it to Bruce. Jackie is a kung-fu badass, true, but Bruce has these two trumps: 1. Bruce is, to date, the only martial artist to create a new style of fighting: Jeet Kun Do (The Way of the Intercepting Fist). (And NO, Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo doesn't cut it!!) Jeet Kun Do states that one must flow over one's opponent, "like water", in order to defeat him. It allows for techniques from other styles of combat in order to aid the user in fighting. 2. Bruce is also, to date, the only one to successfully pull off the most coolest, badass move known in all time: The One-Inch Punch. By summoning up chi energy in his fist, Bruce was able to blast his opponent across the room by just hitting him from a distance of ONE INCH! Let me illustrate this: Bruce Lee's Fist |--One Inch--| Target And Bruce blew him away!!! NOTE: This was NOT in a movie, this was in a fighting exposition. What Jackie may think is Bruce doing a defensive stance, could be in reality charging up the One-Inch Punch. So, Bruce hypothetically could beat Jackie. However, seeing as Bruce has been reanimated from the dead, and he and Jackie know each other, they wouldn't fight. Instead, they ally themselves against the Dark Forces of Evil. Hey, which would you rather want to see, Bruce and Jackie duke it out, or both kicking the collective asses of Tittiny Spears, BackDoor Boys, N*Suck-each-others-dicks, LFO, Mandy Moore, and all the rest of that utter shit music that is overwhelming us???? I thought so. Beware the Two Dragons!!! - Demonicuss--wishes he had half the talent of Bruce and Jackie it would be a draw. the two warriors would die very painful deaths listening each other talk, while seeing their mouths move in random spuradic intervals. the mind boggling effect (of how something can be so stupid) would cause each to have a stroke and die before a single blow had been attempted. - sablewolf in pa The winner... is the viewing public. After a fast-as-lightning, furious martial arts contest, the pair stand opposite each other, sweaty and out of breath... And then the Master Villain behind this plot to assassinate the two greatest fighters in the world arrives, and orders his Black Ninja Henchmen (tm) to attack. Jackie and Bruce, of course, go back-to- back and open up a six-pack of KEGS of Whoop-Ass (tm), then beat the absolute crap out of the Master Villain. Then, they walk of with the Only Blonde American Woman in the Audience, laughing and headed to their next adventure. I mean, come on, can it happen any other way? - Guardian In the Tekken series of games, there are two characters called "Law" and "Lei" who are obviously Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan respectively. Early in the series, the character of Law had the first name of "Marshall". This is a hint- Bruce Lee/Marshall Law IS Sammo Hung of "Martial Law" (or maybe a disguised clone). That's why they "drew" when fighting each other! And since Sammo is Jackie Chan's best friend, he will naturally have no problems in throwing the match to the greater glory of Jackie Chan, because making the boss look good is what sidekicks do: just like Bruce Lee (or maybe it was Sammo?) in his Kato days. Hence, Jackie Chan will win this match. - O.P. Despite all the furious martial arts action, this match goes to Jackie Chan. Here is why: It must be remembered that Bruce Lee died under what some believe are mysterious circumstances. His son, Brandon Lee, also died in an accident that some people believe was questionable. This would lead me to believe that Bruce Lee is either cursed or extremely unlucky. Then we have Jackie Chan. Over his career, he has had stunts fail big time (they usually appear as the outtakes at the end of one of his films) yet he manages to avoid serious injuries. This is the sign of a very lucky man. As seen in some role-playing games, a character with better luck can win a confrontation against an opponent of equal skill but inferior luck. This alone can give Jackie the win. Another reason I side with Jackie Chan is that he strikes me as a friendly, fun-loving guy who isn't conceited. For example, he is quick to make jokes about himself and his English language skills (though his English is not as bad as he claims it is). Bruce Lee, on the other hand, seemed to be an angry man with a chip on his shoulder. For example, in that biographical film about Bruce Lee that was out some years back, he was always griping and complaining about something. Therefore Jackie's performance in this match will not be weighed down by emotional baggage like Bruce Lee's. About the only edge that Bruce Lee has is that he appears in at least two computer games. However, one of them is an old Commodore 64 arcade game, so this will not be that great of an edge. But our two combatants are highly skilled and this will not be a short match, but an exciting action-packed one that goes the distance. - The Demented Astronomer Let's see now... hmmm... Bruce Lee - The man who can send a judo expert heavier than himself flying backwards, hit a wall and fall down, with a one-inch punch. The man who can not only stop a heavy punching bag in mid air, but send it flying back in the direction it came from with a left-handed punch. The man who can deliver 3, not one, not two but THREE kicks so fast, you can only view them on slow- mo. The man whose entire daily routine, from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes back to sleep is dedicated to one form of training or other. The man whose entire body is honed for fighting (speed and power) NO wasted bulk. Against Jacky Chan, a stunt man who knows martial arts... hmm, let me see now... hmmm... Think I'll chose Jacky Chan here. NOT!!! Bruce Lee will SO kick his BUTT!!! - ETC... First, I'd like to congratulate you guys on your research. Such well- read historical accuracy is nearly unheard of in Da Grudge™.
Now, I would like to point out a few things: --Phil Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan are so evenly counterbalenced on this match it's hard to pick a winner, but I'm afraid that the title must go to our man J. C. based on a single factor alone: Bruce Lee never had a ballad written about him. Yes, it's true, and I'd like to invite you all to join with me in singing this LGS favorite. Ahem...
Jackie Chan... Jackie Chan
Jackie Chan... Jackie Chan
Jackie Chan... Jackie Chan
Maybe he'd need a... singer! (repeat chorus x4) So, how do you like them otterpops? I didn't want to vote this time. =( Bruce, the Man among Men of Kung Fu Movies, who built the genre..... or, Jackie Chan, also Man among Men, who has taken the Genre farther than Bruce could have imagined.... I guess that means I'll have to watch all of their movies endlessly until I can come to an informed, unbiased decision. Thanks a lot, guys- frickin' finals are next week. <sigh> Where's my rewinder....? - D@t@-Kun There are two factors pointing in Jackie Chan's favor: First, Bruce Lee uses his body as a weapon of mass destruction. Jackie uses absolutely everything (wooden shoes, koala bears, saplings) as a weapon. And with his amazing MacGyver-like engineering skills (who else can fix a wrecked hovercraft with mere duct tape?), Jackie rules the battle of the minds as well. Second, while Bruce is tough, Jackie is indestructible. Bruce fights a pretty fight, but then comes along a little cerebral edema, and pow, it's over. Jackie, on the other hand, falls from heights and water skis on broken ankles on a daily basis. Even if Bruce quickly breaks his neck like Shane thinks, do you think something minor like that would stop Jackie? Jackie Chan by a knockout. - Hoosinole Hmmm.....pretty tough if you ask me, since both fighters have such equal fighting and acting ability. The only way to settle this is to put my useless video game knowledge to use and evaluate their Pokemon counterparts: Hitmonlee (#106) and Hitmonchan (#107). Hitmonlee seems like a great fighter with his awesome foot-fighting ability, but Hitmonchan is just too versatile for him with attacks such as Fire Punch, Ice Punch, and Thunder Punch (along with the lightning-quick Comet Punch). If a fighter like Chan can control the power of the elements with just his fists, he must be a godlike figure! The only hope for Lee is if he can pull off a stunning "nad-kick", but he's no Cornholio. Chan zaps him into eternity. -Da Bull You guys have made a BAAAAAD mistake. This match, I mean. I may be psycho, but I also am a black belt.(true) While both of these guys could beat me senseless, I can tell you that Bruce has a cakewalk. See, if you didn't know, Bruce MADE Jeet Kune Do, his art, SPECIFICALLY around his own physical parameters. My sensei has said he feels that due to Bruce's almost super-human strength and agility, it was, or in this case IS, nearly impossible to beat Bruce. His art was designed for him. Now why won't Jackie win? He's a good martial artist, but he has 3 problems: 1) He's up against Bruce Lee. 2) He bases himself on weapons. If we had some stray ladders, a few oil drims, some metal sheets, et cetera, he would have a much better advantage. He may even have gotten my vote. But if I read this right, it's Bruce, Jackie, and a large, flat arena. No weapons, no winning. 3) Jackie has said himself that his role model is Bruce Lee. He wants to be as good of a fighter as Bruce was. And he would say, if he was to vote, that he could NEVER equal up to Bruce Lee. With that in mind, this isn't a match. It's a massacere. Why don't you put me against Brendan W. Guy next week and see how bad I can massacere him? - Devin the Martial Artist and Mental Hospital Escapee Bruce Lee will win. His wife was my teacher when I was a little kid, and she was my favorite teacher ever because she was so nice and really cared about kids. She is the sweetest person I've ever met in my life, and a great teacher, true story. Now, I never met Bruce Lee, since he met his tragic demise well before I was born. But as we all know, opposites attract. Because his wife was the sweetest person ever and was completely incapable of hurting anyone (from what I saw as an 8 year old kid, anyway) it is logical that Bruce Lee would be the opposite of that. He must have been the most bad-ass death machine on the planet. Besides that, Bruce Lee managed to look tough while wearing a really silly costume in a Batman-spinoff in the 60's. That other guy might have fists of death, but he always comes off as goofy, even when he's trying to look tough. Bruce wins with a gulp of Lipton Brisk(tm) Iced Tea. - Stubbzilla A huge squash by Jackie after using anything laying around. Real winners:The people who sold it on Pay Per View for 59.95 Plus Tax. - D.C. In sheer fighting skill it goes to Bruce Lee but Jackie Chan has a major advantage: no original parts. This guy has been blue crossed more times than Evel Knievel. Bruce Lee will wear himself out looking for a working pain receptor on Jackie. - Claymore Regardless of who wins, both fighters are awarded Services to Humanity(TM) medals for dispatching of Steven Seagal and Jean Claude. - Nicky Lewer If this match had taken place in a hardware store I'd have gone with Jackie Chan. Only MacGyver is more dangerous in a hardware store than him and that's because he could be a nuclear arsenal in there. However, this takes place in a traditional fighting tournament ring and there's one basic problem: Jackie Chan can't fight. Bruce Lee was an expert in martial arts; Jackie Chan knows a little bit but is trained as an acrobat. You might as well ask if an Olympic Gymnast can beat a Olympic Greco-Roman wrestler in a wrestling match. The gymnast may dodge for a bit, but can't win the fight. - Innocent Bystander Shane dissed Gallagher, the Mr. T(tm) of comedians. Poop on you(tm) Shane. I voted for Paul/Jackie Chan for your insolence. - One of Many Marks, but a good one at that. Have you ever had a longer signature for a response than the response itself? I'm just wondering. It seems by now *someone* has done this. [cut off, dam] You've GOT to be kidding!! First, let look at backgrounds. Jackie Chan, while an amazing stuntman, got his training in, that's right, OPERA!!! He grew up learning how to be a performer in the chinese opera, which has made him a phenomenal athlete and stuntman, but NOT a martial artist by trade. He's a performer, pure and simple. Now, let's look at Bruce Lee. First, he's trained in Wing Chun under the tutelage of Yip Man, one of the premier martial artists of his time. That's not good enough for Bruce, though. He gets fed up with how the martial arts are taught and develops HIS OWN MARTIAL ART of Jeet Kune Do. Not only this, but he perpetually meets challenges on the sets of his movies in order to prove he's the best on a daily basis. Sorry, guys, but this is no contest. Jackie starts the match by climbing a wall three stories, throwing a ladder, garbage cans, AND the kitchen sink only to trip over Seagal's carcass and be done in as Bruce leaps through the air and lands on his chest with his trademark battle cry. Elapsed time: 15.2 seconds. - Troy Ultimately it's all about entertainment. Watching Bruce Lee fight is boring. It may have cut it decades ago, but fast paced wire-work styled fights are the norm nowadays. Jackie Chan is an entertainer that will have no problem keeping the crowd on their feet. If Bruce had his way, the match would be over in seconds and no one would have gotten their money's worth. Jackie Chan is more fun to watch and in the realm of fictional combat (who uses martial arts... really? Com'on now! You've seen UFC!)... the flashier fighter wins. Jackie Chan after a long, drawn out, but extremely entertaining fight. - Xian Wow... This is a close one. Instead of carefully analyzing the match, I'll take the chicken's way out and use Name Association(TM)! First, Bruce: Bruce Campbell: Better known as Ash, star of the Evil Dead trilogy. Has managed to defeat three rounds of evil zombies, including a gigantic monster tree, his decapitated girlfriend, and HIS OWN HAND, all the while spewing great one-liners. Kick-ass personified. Bruce Willis: In a classic Grudge Match, he took down the Death Star, a battlestation the size of a moon. Plus, he has excellent experience with bombs. Bruce McCulloch: The "weird one" of the Kids in the Hall, which is really saying something. Has directed a sketch in which a man skins a squirrel and uses it as a toupee. The David Lynch of comedy. Bruce Wayne: Batman. Nuff said.
The Monty Python Bruces: Beer-swilling, Australian philosophy
professors. Quite possibly soccer hooligans. Jackie Susann: Writer of the exploitation novel "Valley of the Dolls." Despite a connection to Russ Meyer, not exactly Grudge Match material.
Jackie Coogan: TV's Uncle Fester. Weird, but not exactly
dangerous. - Vermin Boy There is blood in Bruce Lee movies. However, I have never seen Jackie Chan ever draw any blood, ever. This means that poor Mr. Lee is history. Huh? What are you talking about, Your Name is Kenny? Think about it: Every time Bruce Lee has a faced a real badass opponent, Bruce has had the snot kicked out of him, to the point where he starts bleeding. Then he notices he is bleeding. The sight of his own blood gives him the Rage(tm) times four and he destroys his opponent unmercifully. But if Jackie Chan starts kicking his butt and never draws blood, Bruce never gets any Rage(tm) and Jackie clowns his way to another victory. Side note: In the past, Jackie Chan was a construction worker, was once kidnapped by the Japanese mafia, was signed to an incredibly strict martial arts academy at the age of nine, and once did a stunt all others refused to do, that of falling three stories onto concrete. I can't believe anyone considers this a match at all. - My name is Kenny Now don't get me wrong here I love Jackie Chan but Bruce Lee would have won this fight. (would have I mean he's dead now and Even the taco bell Dog Could take down a corpse, unless the corpse was reanimated... hmmm that might make a good grudge match) But Bruce Lee was the best at what he did in his time. In order to see what he would have been like if he was in his prime at the same time as Jackie Chan we need to follow along the path he was taking. Each of his movies was (correct me if I am wrong here people) more intense then the last. So if we follow this trend today he would be makeing movies were the extras explode and the end of the movie causes Cancer. (NEAT IDEA hmmm Although I am sure some stupid web site would come up telling people not to go see the movie { in referance to the truth.com}). Secondly Bruce Lee NEVER showed himself getting hurt. Where as in most of Jackie Chan's movies the end always shows Jackie in a cast or on fire or something. While this shows the folks at home that this is dangerous so they don't hurt themselves (Bah the the fools don't they know you must practice these stunts untill they get them right. otherwise they'll never be able to leap from building to building) It obviously shows Weakness which in a kung fu movie is a definite no no. So They way I see it Bruce Lee would Have beaten Jackie Chan. - Josh The Ominous Bone Crunching Black Gauntlet OF DOOM Thanks for the link to truth.com. I never knew hardware stores could be so controversial. (I think you wanted thetruth.com.) - Paul Guys, let us be honest here and look at the facts. Yes Jackie Chan is one of the most acomplished fighters in the world and can take a beating like no one else in movies today. To learn this we just have to watch the blooper reels at the end of his movies. But is all truth, the match would go to Bruce Lee. To prove this, I will state facts. Fact: Bruce could punch and kick faster than the shutter speed of a motion picture camera. The camera speed is 24 frames of film per second. Bruce could literaly strike an opponent 'between' frames of film. Directors were constently telling him to slow down. Even when the filmed his attacks in slow motion, his body was a blur of motion and power. Fact: Bruce could strike an opponent with a power that acknowleged martial arts masters such as Grandmaster Pan Ching Fu and Sifu Shi Youn Ming. can not match (and Pan is known as the Iron fist). Jujitsu Grandmaster Wally Jay attested to watching Bruce, from a standing position,kick a 300 pound body bag into a celling 7 to 8 ft off the ground (Remember that Bruce was only 5ft 4in and weighed about 135 pounds. Secondly, Bruce's hit's were so powerful that the actualy sent shockwaves though the water found in the human body (humans bodies contain close to 75% water). Put simply, the body would collapse. Fact: Unless his life or that of his family was threated, Bruce would rarely fight. Rather he would talk or joke his way out of a fight. He would often stop an opponent that was trying to attack him by pointing out any mistakes he made in their attack and would show them how to do it properly. Was Bruce Lee unbeatable? Bruce himself would have told that he was far from the perfect fighter and that he could be beaten. But in this case, and I am positive that Jackie would agree, the match would go to the Dragon. - Celtcath First of all, congratulations on daring to let such an explosive fight exist within the Grudge Match Universe. I, too, have wondered how such a fight might turn out, but have never dared to suggest it: a Chan/Lee fight would be such a spectacular fight, that it would probably destroy most of Hong Kong. Look at any movie with them: there are dead bodies and explosions to beat the band. But what's really relevant here is why, with so many people eager to see such a kick-arse fight, why it never happened before? What force has protected the good people of Hong Kong from destruction as a result of what Pentagon PR Courses tell us to call "collateral damage"? Only one man has kept these two action heroes, who are like unto two charged masses, apart. One man, who until recently, protected the whole of Asia from an uncontrolled chain reaction of whup-ass. The almighty ex-governor of Hong Kong, Chris Patten! At the last possible moment, Mr. Patten will swoop in between the combatants, and, using all his Latent British Martial Arts Mastery, will stop them. Latent British Martial Arts Mastery!? Hey, I wouldn't have believed it either, but if a gang of Brits can go to Stonehenge in the 1970s, found a sect, and then say that they embody thousands of years of druidic tradition, then Mr. Chris Patten is a master of martial arts traditions. That seems fair to me. - Suddenly struck with "less disrespect", as Bart Simpson would put it, for Mr. Chris Patten.I say Jet Li shows up and kicks both their asses. - Adam B. Actually, I think both will win. Once they find out they have the same "girlfriend", they're gonna learn she's really the head villain's "moll", or whatever it's called. (Hell, this is the nineties -- she could be the head villain!) (It is? Geez, first 2000 is the New Millennium™, now this. Make up your minds, people! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Grudge Match. -- Shane) So after they both kung-fu her ass, I see them busting up the slavery ring and each getting his own girlfriend, and the four of them walking into the sunset. And Bruce and Jackie go on to make "buddy" action movies together. - T.C. Actually, I don't really know or care who's going to win the fight, just as long as there aren't too many really lame subtitled one-liners intefering with my view of the action - Jeffrey It's the Chan-ster by a can! That's right...because any kung-fu master who has to have help beating up a three-centuries-old Happy Days washout and a Karate Kid who wasn't really a kid in the form of "That's-Brisk-Baby-Itis" is in VEEEEEERY bad shape. I don't see a vending machine in a DeathMart like this one, so it's naturally Chan by default. - TazmanianHawk (Otherwise known as Taz) First of all, I'd like to add what background setup MUST be put in place for them to even fight each other. Not even the love of a woman could pit these two honorable warriors against each other in combat. No, this must rely on the classic Hollywood "mistaken identity" cliche. Both men came to Hong Kong seeking revenge against the crazed villian who destroyed their families, and both were told that they could only defeat him by working their way to the final match of this seedy underground tournament. Unfortunately, they know this man by reputation only. When they enter the final match they believe their opponent is the one who they have come to destroy - little knowing that the real villian arranged for this and is watching in the front row. Who do I vote for to win in this match? Both have incredible skill, both are legends (one a Legend(c), the other a legend-in-his-own-time(R) ) ... but let's face it, Bruce Lee wrote the book when it comes to martial arts. Well, okay he wrote _a_ book, not _the_ book. You see my point however. Let's not forget either that in the Hollywood documentary of Bruce Lee, he fights a demon and wins. Jackie Chan might scare a lot of people, but he's no demon. Bruce Lee wins with a surprising Judo-style throw just when Chan goes for the finishing blow - Lee wrote the book on improvisation. (Okay, that time it really is _the_ book on martial arts improvisation, got it? Well it is for all I know.) With Chan down on the mat, Lee pulls him closer and says, "Now you shall pay for what you have done to my family." He reaches back for the finishing blow ... but Chan exclaims, "What? You are also here to avenge your family? Huh?" The truth dawns on them both, and they both look around the crowd. Seeing one man who is laughing and being congratulated by a group of lackey Henchmen(tm), they give each other a wink and a nod. Suddenly the two fly out, fists and feet flying, into the crowd and toss the henchmen aside. The two of them face their foe right there as the crowd clears a circle, and after a dramatic but ultimately foretold battle the Villian(c) is destroyed. - josh g. The winner has to be Bruce Lee (or, as he said in a screen test, Ipso facto, there would be no Street Fighter (tm), Mortal Kombat (tm), Dead or Alive (tm), and Jean-Claude Van Damme would still be a busboy in a Belgian restaurant. And finally (tm), Jackie Chan would never have come to North America to show us how to do kick@$$ martial arts movies with REAL STUNTS (tm). It goes like this: Bruce and Jackie-chan square off, Bruce looking like he did in "Enter the Dragon," with no shirt, lots of sweat, and the Look of Death (tm). When Jackie, wearing low-quality American jeans, sneakers, and black T (which makes you look intimidating to NOBODY), sees the Chinese Killing Machine, he immediately says, "(Bruce-san! It is because of you that I became a martial artist! You are my idol! It is such an honour to meet and fight one of your stature!)" "(Enough talk, Jackie. Let us commence combat.)"
Following the match, these two 'fu fighters go out for some 'foo young, with no hard feelings, especially after Bruce teaches Jackie how to do the "kicked in the brass ones" ki-ai. - D-Kun Whoa... Man the commentary this week was really confusing. I got lost right after they established the fact that Australians rocked. Wait a minute...Did they say that Austalians rocked? I think they did. I'm confused... Well, I'll just assume that Australians rock, and go my own way from there. So, now that we have established that Australians Rock(I've used that phrase 4 times now, it deseves a TM) the logical way to find out the winner is to see who has more in common with Australians. One thing we've learned from Monty Python (besides the fact that *nobody* expects the Spanish Inquision) is that all Australians are named Bruce. Bruce Lee is also named Bruce. He must have some Australian in him. And since Australians rock(TM) Bruce rocks! Game, set, match, Bruce Lee. I think... - The Animator Well, well, well! After my vote, it seems the score is tied. What a close match! These two are clearly evenly matched. How can we possibly break this stalemate? Let's see, Chan and Lee defeated Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme respectively in the semifinals. If memory serves me correctly....those two competed in a Grudge Match in which the outcome was determined by not only fisticuffs, but also smart-ass comments traded during the match. If either Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee can gain a verbal edge, than he will be victorious. Now, I've dug myself a deep hole. Neither Jackie Chan nor Bruce Lee are known for their scintillating acting prowess. Hell, let's be honest: though the two of them are paragons of Ass-kickery (tm), they can barely speak English! So, like in so many Grudge Matches before, we'll have to analyze the ability of those who will help them out with the quips. Comedians are probably best suited for this. We can also combine this analysis with the time-honored technique of looking at famous people sharing the same name as each of the competitors. So without further ado (phew!) here's the kind of wisecrack-help each man can expect: Bruce Lee-- Lenny *Bruce*: The foul-mouthed groundbreaking comic of the 60's. He could be effective in shocking and distracting the enemy.(Hey Jackie Chan! F&%$ you, you chinky rat-man!!). *Bruce* Baum: A little known comedian who looks like David Crosby and whose act is worse than Gallagher's. Pity this man. Snnce he's a prop comic, I don't think he'll be of much use to Mr. Lee. Unless he smashes a watermelon and Jackie Chan slips on the juice. *Bruce* Vilanch: Perpetual Hollywood Squares guest "celebrity" and proof that the name "Bruce" is from here on in off-limits to heterosexuals. This Bruce is a comedy writer, just what Bruce Lee needs! Rumor has it that he wrote Billy Crystal's material for the Oscars (Hey Jack Palance, can you do *no-armed* push-ups?). Although if he's responsible for the quips on that lame-ass Hollywood Squares, I think he may be a liability rather than an asset. Jackie Chan-- *Jackie* Mason: A true professional. Mind you, as a borscht-belt style comic, kung-fu quips may not be his field of expertise. (Hey Bruce Lee! You want an eggroll with that?! Oy! What a schmuck!) *Jackie* "the Jokeman" Martling-- A pretty second-rate comedian, but Howard Stern's head writer, for what it's worth. Mostly good for cracking ancient jokes my grandmother knows. (Hey Bruce, you know how Chinese people name their kids? By dropping pots and pans down the stairs! Ching, Ting, Tang!) *Jackie* Gleason-- One of TV's premier funny men (The Honeymooners). Not so much a writer as an actor though. Perhaps he could help Jackie with his delivery. (One of these days, Bruce Lee...Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!) Clearly, Jackie Chan, through the mystical name connection, has assembled a better team of comedy writers to help break out of the deadlock and overcome his foe verbally. But lord help us if he ever tries a comedy film. (Jackie Chan *is* Wall Street Ninja!) - 1/2 Nelson Hold on. Bruce is ALREADY stripped to the waist? Why bother? The fight's over. Jackie. Chan. Is. Dead. Bruce Lee NEVER loses when bare-chested. He gets cut, he gets pounded, he gets led through a room full of mirrors, but he always triumphs. NOTHING survives Bruce Lee's Bare-Chested Whup Ass (TM). NOTHING. First, there will be a perfunctory trading of kicks and punches, with Bruce gradually gaining the upper hand. Then, Jackie grabs a sharp object to fight with, and manages to cut Lee. Bruce will stop, stare, touch the wound, look at the blood and taste it. Then he gives his patented Animal-Like Scream of Rage (TM), and using the infamous Sliding Side-Kick (TM), punts Jackie into the fifth row. Then, these two titans will collide in the Simultaneous Flying Side Kick Face-Off(TM). Finally, Jackie will either be beaten to death, or have his neck broken, or be dispatched by the Flying Stomp (TM). Is it too much to expect that either of you would actually have watched ANY of the Bruce Lee movies you mentioned? Or at the very least, paid attention? - The Observer Chan quicker than a Hong Kong fistfight. Have you seen this guy? Every movie he's in he runs up a freakin' wall. I have seen him slide down a twenty story glass building, get run over by a hovercraft in a Lambourghini, and avoid a speeding semi by two feet in wooden clogs. The dude is, for lack of a better term, nucking futz! Granted, Lee was crazy enough to bring karate to America, but Jackie could kick his ass quicker than you can dub, "You cannot defeat me!" - A winner is you! Not because he can look as scary as hell just standing still in an improbable fighting stance, flexing his muscles, contorting his face and making horrible little noises while Chan kind of reminds me of a giant puppy. Not because of the fact that Bruce will be in okay fighting shape with a couple of bruises and a little blood while Chan will have his ankle in a cast and some broken fingers and ribs due to yet another botched stunt and a quite serious case of alcohol poisoning brought on by "method acting" Not because Lee wrote a (the) book on kicking ass (with such helpful little hints as: Break your opponent's knee like so...) while Chan, apparently, has a biography. But because of a pearl of... something... in the commentary. I quote:"I'm sorry, but no man named "Bruce" has a hope in hell. " To which I can only reply:WHAT? Can I just remind everyone that he's fighting a guy named "Jackie". Now let's see who else shares this name that make all who hear it tremble with fear. I can think of Jackie Gleason and Jackie Collins. And, yeah, Jackie Brown, okay, so it's not all bad. On the Bruce side, however, we've got Bruce Wayne, Bruce Banner, Bruce Springsteen and for good measure, Bruce Campbell. I just remembered Bruce Boxleitner, but I wish I hadn't and just mention him in the interest of fairness. If we went into surnames, Jet Li would also be there, but I won't mention that. Post-match interview with a smiling Chan in his hospital bed: "It was great. I love Bruce Lee. He's a great guy. Loved fighting with him. He beat me good. Fight him again someday" (Gives two thumbs up, both arms in plaster) He's just too nice a guy. - Socrates you obviously didnt see "the clones of bruce lee". bruce has 4 clones that he can call on at any time, jackie has one twin (see whatever movie that's from). that's five to two. lee walks away with the prize AND the only blonde American woman in the crowd. - Kramertim When somebody named Lee comes back from the dead to fight another guy because of some sort of "grudge", the movies tell us he must in fact be the Crow, returned to take gruesome supernatural vengeance. Obviously this proves Brandon Lee's death wasn't the accident we all thought it was; in reality Chan must have arranged it as well as Bruce's in order to remove them as obstacles to his evil plans! Bruce was bad enough to probably win this when he was alive; now that he's the embodiment of The Rage itself and invulnerable to damage (not to mention gifted with cool face paint and a million fanboys on his side) Chan hasn't got a prayer. Oh, sure, maybe if he killed the bird, but Jackie Chan hasn't exactly shown enough knowledge of the occult to recognize the mystical link between the crow and Bruce Lee's increased powers (and he lacks a convenient female witch-type to point this out to him as well). Barring him happening to grab the bird as a weapon during one of his prop fights, I don't see this weakness being exploited. Look for Lee to take his supernatural justice and return in triumph to his grave (and hopefully finally making a sequel to Crow that we can enjoy along the way...). - "Mad Dog" Mike ("It can't rain blood all the time") So I was sitting in the theater last night watching "Shanghai Noon," and after the credits rolled, I laughed to myself and said, "Wouldn't a match between Bruce Lee and Jackie on WWWF be a kick in the head?" Two things came from this: 1) The audience around me wondered why I was laughing to myself and what the WWWF was. A gentleman in an Austin 3:16 T-shirt, misunderstanding me, pumped a fist into the air and declared, "Rock on!" 2) I logged on this morning, surfed on over to The Funniest, and after waiting patiently for 3 1/2 hours for the site to load, was rewarded with seeing this match in full Internet glory. Hey! We're on the same wavelength! Which can really only mean one thing -- you're stealing my thoughts while I sleep (again). Or hiring those alien greys to do your dirty work. Anyway, you must be thinking that I have a unique insight into this match since it began in my festering subconscious. Believe it or not, I don't. HOWEVER, it comes down to a rock-paper-scissors type logic which stretches back to my seventh grade year. My English teacher, a grumpy old bag who tried to cast a hundred pimply, prepubescent students into Shakespeare roles, decided on two plays, one a tragedy, one a comedy. Her rule on play night was simply this: the tragedy will go first, the comedy second. Leave them laughing, she said. Truer words were never spoke. Skip forward to 2000. Bruce Lee is the tragedy. Jackie Chan is the comedy. Comedy will be standing at the end of the night. Therefore, using sophisticated Cartesian logic, Jackie Chan will be standing at the end of the evening. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a urine test. Just for fun. - Furious George Lee (dubbed): You will certainly want to repent, for, as true as the sun rising in the East, I will defeat you. Chan (dubbed): You may think you will defeat me, however, in defeat I will also benefit. Lee (dubbed): How can that be, may I ask? Can you not fathom that to the victor go all of the spoils? Chan (dubbed): Ah ha ha ha! You forget, fine competitor of mine, that this is a "romantic comedy" that we are filming here this day. While I may lose the fight to someone such as yourself, the young American blonde woman will see my inner victory and she will be mine. Lee (dubbed): Yes, I see. You are forgetting, however, that this film in which we are fighting is not of the "romantic comedy" genre. This film is an "action" film. The man who calls himself the director has told me so to my face. In such a movie, the winner also achieves the love of the girl. Do you still deny that you are to be counted among the fallen? Chan (dubbed): You are certain to be shamed by your bold prediction! We will ask the official presiding over this match. He will be certain in his knowledge of this match, for he is the official! Official (dubbed): Fine competitors. The match in which you are competing is of the Matches of the Grudge web site. Such a site is renowned for its lack of romance. Have not the creators yelled from the tops of the high mountains, "No Dames!"? However, action and comedy are equally interspersed in such a match. Clearly, a match of "action comedy" is the genre into which you dwell. Lee (dubbed): Knowledgeable judge, tell with whom the American Blonde woman will leave this ring of overwhelming confusion. Official (dubbed): The two combatants will comically knock each other out of the competition. As you will open your eyes again, you are certain to see the American Blonde woman walk out with no one other than the official of the match. Seeing that you both have shamefully lost the match, you will place a smile upon your face, shrug your shoulders, and join each other for a "tall, frosty one" at a popular local drinking establishment. Ha ha ha ha! Lee and Chan: AYEEEIIIIEEE! - Mark Wentz (dubbed): Does it not seem unnecessary to dub this when clearly both combatants speak the language called English? i voted for bruce lee, mainly because of the setting.i mean sure, jackie chan kick every-australian-and-his-best-friend's butt ON THE STREET. but this mach takes place in a basement where random wooden shoes(Who am I?) steering wheels(Rush Hour) or mounted antlers(Shanghai Noon) won't be available. even if he could get some obscure make-shift weapon, lee has shown before he can beat with his bare hands such opponents armed with metal claws for hands, normal wepons and even broken beer bottles (which chan showed he literally can't stand up to in Rumble in the Bronx) but deprived of these weapons he is no match for BruceLee - andres While I really want to vote for Lee, Well, there's a secretary on my bus to work named 'Jackie Chan', and she just happens to be a REAL BITCH. Chan in 12.7 seconds. - William "Dack" Page (I'm back!) You ignorant fool. You cite an example of well before Bruce Lee entered his prime. Of course Sammo beat Bruce Lee - when Bruce was early in his career. It was a draw, so what did Bruce Lee do? He went and got EVEN TOUGHER! Towards the end he could probably have beaten Sammo with a quick whack to the face. Oh yes, the fight. No penguins here, sorry to disappoint. Two ways it could go. A: The fighters square off and circle. Jackie Chan punches, but Bruce Lee easily blocks with his characteristic "Woo-oo" noise. Jackie Chan's sidekick Chris Rock says "Hey, that's the noise your mama made for me last night, boy!" or something to that effect (I don't know, think for yourselves.) Bruce gets PISSED at this, and kills Jackie with one hit of the Fist of Fear (or legend, or death, I'm not sure which one it was off the top of my head.) Then begins a chase where Chris Rock runs, and Bruce beats up the collective audience of geeks and martial artists, or B: With no sidekick to piss of Bruce, he pulls out his nunchucks. Jackie Chan laughs a bit, and grabs a ladder. Bruce whacks Jackie in the side of the head, and goes "Woo-oo" (I think there's a guide to his noises somewhere) before breaking Jackie's arm, legs, head, and health in general. Jackie Chan is dragged off the stage in a stretcher, where the guy in the ambulance eats him (a la the Twilight Zone movie. Didn't think they'd make an appearence, didja?) Now how about what we really want to see, Bruce Lee versus Jet Li? There's be a fight. - Keith, Emperor of Penguins. All's I know about this match is that long after the fighting is done, the sound will still be going... Damn dubbed matches! - HotBranch! I can't believe I'm seeing a tough-guy fight to the death between two guys named "Jackie" and "Bruce." - martinl If you want to get under the skin of a Chinese guy, you're not going to shout out, "Hey Jackie Chan!" You're going to shout out, "Hey Bruce Lee!" Is it because Bruce Lee was slower than Jackie Chan? No. Is it because Bruce Lee wasn't as good a fighter as Jackie Chan? No. Is it because Bruce Lee lost the role of Caine in Kung Fu to a guy that isn't even Chinese? No. If you want to get under the skin of a Chinese guy, you're going to shout out, "Hey Bruce Lee!" because Bruce Lee has no sense of humor. The guy with no sense of humor will make sillier noises as he kicks your ass. Match goes to Lee. It's mean streets if you're a Chinese guy named Bruce with no sense of humor. - Mike Leung Methinks you are both overlooking a crucial deciding factor: The Curse of the Dragon. Thanks to the aforementioned curse, Bruce Lee has been slated by fate to meet an untimely end. Whether it be implemented by the Ancient Zen Masters of the East, The Hong Kong Triads, Evil Spirits that suck out his Chi, or Jackie Chan's Dim Mak Strike, it is most certainly Bruce Lee's time to go to that great Dojo in the sky. I see the match happening like this: Jackie Chan, having just come from the local hospital, steps into the ring with a smile. He waves to the crowd and then starts limbering up. Bruce Lee, having just come from a session of "Hide the Eggroll" with Betty Tingpei, steps into the ring with a smirk. He waves to the crowd and then starts meditating in a lotus position. The Bell. Both opponents leap to their feet and begin circling each other like hungry dingos eyeing a baby. Bruce unleashes his Fists of Fury™ on Jackie, who successfully blocks most of them. Jackie retaliates with his First Strike™, a blinding series of kicks and punches. Bruce successfully blocks most of them. Bruce launches into his Fighting Method™ while Jackie counters with his Second Strike™. The match continues on for hours, with both opponents wearing down and Carl Douglas's Kung FuFighting blaring in the background, when... Bruce, tired (from the soda he drank before the match, convienently spiked with Equagesic by Betty Tingpei who was secretly hired by the Ancient Zen Masters of the East) and wanting to finish, begins to concentrate and summon his Chi for a finishing move. Jackie, also tired and wanting to finish, begins to concentrate and summon his Chi for a finishing move. Bruce lunges at Jackie hoping to make the Chinese Connection™. Jackie lunges at Bruce with his 36 Crazy Fists™. Time slows as multiple gunshots ring out through the arena. Bruce (unable to summon his Chi thanks to Evil Spirits) misses Jackie completely and Jackie connects as the Hong Kong Triad's snipers hit their target: Good ol' Brucie. The result? Jackie down and wounded by indirect fire. Bruce down for the count, compliments of the Curse of the Dragon. Operation Condor swoops down to scoop up the Triad snipers and Miss Tingpei. Jackie is declared the victor and is escorted back to the local hospital. The moral? Immortal Dragon™ or not, when you're up against the Dragon Lord™ you're bound to fall. - uberpudge
It doesn't matter who wins. Get John Woo to direct and James Cameron on script, we're talkin' bigger than Titanic, baby.
- Charge Man
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