World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

BRIAN: Picture this: A large hut on a remote tropical island. From outside you can hear and smell the excitement and tension. As you step inside, there, before you, is an amazing spectacle: clad in a thong and a headband stands Gilligan with broken glass glued to the back of his hands. Across from him: Pee-Wee Herman, similarly clad and armed, sweat already glistening off of his 105 pound frame. Who wins in this underworld, no holds barred, one-on-one kung fu flurry to the death? For extra motivation: If Pee-Wee wins, he gets his old bike back (stolen before the match, not by Gilligan); if Gilligan wins he gets a new shirt.

(NOTE: To beginners, the obvious motivation for Gilligan would be to get off of the island. But as history has proven time and time again, whenever getting off the island is at stake, Gilligan screws up, and it wouldn't be a fair fight. Thus the incentive of a doubled wardrobe.)

Pee-Wee Herman, Paul Reubens Gilligan, Bob Denver

Pee-Wee Herman

vs.

Gilligan

The Commentary

STEVE: There is no question here. Pee-Wee will be the victor. First of all, remember Pee-Wee's association with bikers. He is one of them. He will fight dirty and will do whatever is necessary to win. This is because his bike is his life. Without his bike he is nothing. He travelled across the country in an effort to locate his prized possession. A mere fight with Gilligan is nothing compared to this.

Pee-Wee is no stranger to the evil side of human nature. Deep down, Pee-Wee has powerful emotions (including, dare I say, rage) which will provide the fire to win this match. The existence of these powerful emotions can be verified by 1) His arrest for indecent exposure and 2) Wearing saddle shoes. Another testament to his evil nature is that satanic laugh. Heh-heh! Yes, I'm afraid Gilligan will be forced to endure another 25 years of reruns in his same red shirt.

BRIAN: Oh, to live in that simplistic world in which you make for yourself, Steve. I've seen a lot of bikers and I'm afraid sailors are ten times tougher. Not only can they cuss better, but you learn to defend yourself when you're forced to wear those silly white hats. Point in fact: The sailor from the Village People kicked the Biker's butt on a daily basis (he may have done other things as well, but that's beyond the scope of this discussion).

And if you want RAGE, look no further than Gilligan. Skipper constantly brow beats him; he was forced by the writers to wear a grass skirt on more than one occasion; he has to make everything out of coconuts; despite constant efforts, he never could hook up with Ginger OR Mary Ann; he hasn't has a decent acting job since. The guy is a walking time bomb. Yes, Pee-Wee may want his bike back, but Gilligan, new shirt or not, is going to snap. Following the the fight with Pee-Wee, he'll go on a five state killing spree before being shot on an escalator in JCPenney's in suburban Flint, Michigan.

STEVE: I watch Gilligan's Island every weekday morning, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to set you straight on the Ginger/Mary Ann thang. Take the time when the castaways have a fresh fruit/vitamin scare. There is one fresh orange on the island, and it is Gilligan's. Everyone wants it and is trying to butter him up to get it. Ginger struts over, and whispers in Gilligan's ear, and then plants a hot and steamy kiss squarely on Gilligan's lips. It's clear what she's willing to offer for the orange. Gilligan: "Gosh I don't think so Ginger" (or something like that). Gilligan, HELLO! Anybody home? He had his chance, but blew it big.

Oh yeah, the fight. (It's so romantic that I get carried away sometimes.) So who's teaching Gilligan to fight, Skipper? He's a tub of lard. In fact I think Gilligan could take Skipper, but that's for another day. Gilligan has no experience and no rage. The only thing that can save Gilligan is a super workout regimen devised by the Professor which will have him benching 500 pounds within a week. (I think it involves bamboo and coconuts in some weird way). Pee-Wee wins within 5 minutes.

BRIAN: And who's going to teach Pee-Wee to fight? Mr. Greenjeans??!! (I know I'm mixing kid-show references, but I'm exaggerating to make a point.) Pee-Wee has no real friends (sure, he's got 'Mr. Breakfast', but how does that help him?). If he does have any real friends then what was that movie theater thing all about, hmmmm??!! Gilligan has plenty of friends, namely Skipper and the Professor. With Skipper's seaworthy fighting knowledge and the Professor's aforementioned Coconuts of Steel workout, Gilligan will be a fighting machine compared to what Pee-Wee has to offer. With the know-how, the strength and the RAGE, not only will Pee-Wee not get his bike back, but he will be beaten to death with it.

Let's be clear: this is a complete mismatch. True, Gilligan may not be the best kung fu fighter in the world (I'd take Gary Coleman over him in an instant, but that's for another day), but he has much more to offer than that joker with the girlie bike.

STEVE: I think I can sum up the situation quite nicely with respect to Gilligan. He is a LOSER. He screws everything up. You can always count on that. As a matter of fact, this the basic foundation of Gilligan's Island plots. The professor better read up on his first aid, 'cause he's going to need it for Gilligan.

For Gilligan's Island links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Gilligan (384)

beats

Pee-Wee (304)

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Voter Comments

This week, it's just about even...however, I give the nod to Gilligan...he's been wearing the same shirt for god knows how long now, and he's fed up and NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! Anyhow, Pee Wee can't win, mainly because he has one hand free...;-)

-Dan

I voted for Pee-Wee. He's proven time and again that he's good with his hands....

-D Christi

Pee Wee is a Biker, a loner, a rebel, a hard core pornography buff, inventor of the shoe mirror, and MEAN. Hardcore devious to boot....

Gilligan is clumsy, wears a bad hat and is brow beat by a red-faced fat man. Can run on water however....

Paul Rubens looked kooky and insane with a goatee... Bob Denver looked like your gay beatnik poet pal with a goatee...

Pee Wee in 3 rounds

-Yeldarb

1) Since when has Pee Wee had to survive on an uncharted desert isle? He's been sitting in the lap of luxury at Pee Wee's playhouse doing things he'd do in a theater. Gilligan, on the other hand, has been scratching out a McGyverful existance on a deserted island.

2)Pee Wee has no power among his peers and therefore, no intimidation factor. The only thing named after him is, um...well...you take a wild guess. Gilligan's commrades named the island after him, obviously in awe of his power and authority.

3)By the time Pee Wee figures out what the glass on his hands is for, Gilligan will have fashioned himself an AK-47 out of some available bamboo shoots and tropical nuts.

Forget rage. Skill wins this battle of childhood weaklings. Pee Wee, like his bike, will be laid to rest in the basement of the Alamo.

-C. Avatar

Have to go with Steve on this one. Gilligan's a loser. When the going gets tough he always runs away. He's gotten so used to being beaten on by the Skipper he'll just get dazed and think Pee-Wee's trying to be his big buddy.

Not to mention Pee-Wee will be primed with Tequila making him a wild man.

-Richard

Gilligan wins - no contest! Pee Wee will have his hands full on this one. Besides, he will be distracted by the call of the big money to be made on his new sex education video with Jocelyn Elders.

Pee Wee just isn't up for this!

-Goomba

Pee-Wee will take Gilligan quickly. Consider the fact the Gilligan is just a regular (albiet clumsy and ignorant) person. Pee-Wee however is a raging psycho, just waiting for a chance to kill kill kill. This fight is the perfect excuse. Did you catch his recent appearance on Murphy Brown? Psycho. Bad ass. Was willing to kill for Murphy. That's just the kinda guy he is. With a few of the dirty tricks his biker- friends showed him, he will incapacitate Gilligan quickly (with a sharp side-kick to the knee), and cut his throat so he can watch the little twirps life-blood drain slowly from his quivering mass.

-Christopher

Pee Wee has the initial edge, his bizzare self confidence and irritating laugh will fluster shipwreck boy in the initial mounting carnage. However, Gilligan has the long term perseverance that Desert/Jungle Isle life gives to the truly Noble Savage types, and has the advantage in the long run. Both are fearless (I quote..."If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the minnow would be lost, the minnowww would be lost" and Pee wee is just too dumb to be scared.)

Tough to call...

I think Pee-Wee's motivation will get the win for him, Gilligan is just a loser, and his original clothes can't wear out in the first place. Motivated by unnatural lust for two wheeled transport between his legs, Pee Wee will have Gilligan lying in a pile of his own entrails within 5 minutes.

-mib

As much as I'd like to see Pee-Wee win, I have to back Gilligan in this geek-fu match. Pee-Wee will try everything in his power to distract Gilligan, but it will be useless. Finally, Gilligan will have found someone he can beat the crap out of. Up to this point everyone Gilligan has had to deal with has been superior or bigger than him in some way.

Forget the extra shirt. Gilligan will make minced-meat of Pee-Wee simply to get some respect from the other island inhabitants (and to get Ginger and Mary-Ann to become his concubines).

The fight will begin and both warriors will circle each other trying to spot a weakness in the other's initial position. Eventually, Pee-Wee will make the fatal mistake of exposing himself. This is a mistake because PW will have forgotten that there is broken glass on his hands. As he starts to shout "Made you look!" he will quickly realize that his Pee-Wee wee-wee has been severed and is lying on the floor of the hut. This is the opening that Gilligan will be looking for. As Pee-Wee tries to frantically tape his privates back on, Gilligan will attack with arms and legs flailing. Whether Gilligan actually connects with any of his blows will forever be a mystery, because PW will be an immobile heap on the ground, bleeding to death from a self-inflicted pecker wound.

Gilligan will get his shirt and will forever be donning a kung-fu pose when he wants to get the islanders to get off his case. Chalk one up for the loser!

-HotBranch!

The important thing to look at here is allies, not the main fighters.

In Pee Wee's corner, we have the King of Cartoons, various talking furniture, the talking magic screen, some bikers, Dottie, a bunch of guys from an adult movie theatre, Miss Yvonne, and um...some other misfit actors who would show up on his show.

Gilligan has the Skipper, the millionarre and his wife, Ginger, the Professor, Mary Ann, and all those wacky natives who popped up from time to time.

Now, while the main fight is raging at a stalemate, The Howells will move in and buy up all of the talking furniture and household fixtures, then savagely beat them with their heavy jewelry, giving the scraps to the Professor. Ginger and Mary Ann can work their feminine wiles on the bikers, then stab them in the back with shivs made from the hands of Clockie, the talking clock.

Alongside the main event, the King of Cartoons and the Skipper will get into a bloodfued. Both of them are old and not particularly cagey, but the Skipper would start out ahead because of his sailor ways, but once his excess weight tires him out, the King will summon his demonic cartoon hordes to pull the Skipper into the Abyss. Mr. of Cartoons would prepare to strike the deathblow to Gilligan's head, only to be taken out by the natives, who worship the severed head of Conky the Robot, allowing the Professor to command them to do anything.

Although the natives do a swift job of killing all the misfit actor friends of Pee Wee's, Cap'n Carl and Miss Yvonne would slip through to kill the Howells before they die as well.

Then Pee would would say, "I wish those bad natives weren't here!" and Jambi would come out and make them all dissappear. Pee Wee would try to wish everyone else away but he has squandered his only wish of the day.

Now, the fight is just about down to the two main men They are evenly matched, and fight on and on for days. (Pee wee is so busy fighting he doesn't notice that he could make another wish) Everything seems to be at a stalemate until the Professor shows up with his pocket Neutron Bomb, constructed out of cocoanuts and the component parts of the Playhouse Friends. The Professor detonates it, killing everyone.

Everyone except Mr. Kite and Pteri who wisely got the hell out of there several days before. So in a way, neither of them one, but it was someone on Gilligan's side who struck the deciding blow.

I think the only certainty in this match is that I'm pretty pathetic for putting this much thought into it.

-TCOH

Oh, come on. Pee-Wee wins, no contest. In the first place, Pee-Wee showed his incredible might early on in his movie, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, when he damn near killed Francis, who has an incredible weight advantage. Pee Wee, in his little suit, soaking wet, and he still nearly drowned Francis, with the Fat Floats and Home COurt advantage. And if that doesn't prove it...

Pee-Wee kept the entire neighborhood in the basement of the bike shop by fear ('scuse me, that should read sheer) force of will. They only started to leave when he finally cracked and made the wool sweater analogy. Even then he still sounded pretty damned sinister ("...and KNITTING, ha-hah, and KNITTING, ha-hah, and KNITTING...")

He has a clear advantage in the agility category, as illustrated by his single-handedly evacuating an entire pet shop ablaze. He even rescued the snakes, which illustrates a clear will to look his fears head-on.

And if you're still not convinced, remember the final scene, when he's playing the bellhop at the hotel front desk. The boy dropped his voice so many octaves I can't even count, a trick he taught to Jaye Davidson to use in Stargate. This obviously shows that, with Pee-Wee, nothing is as it seems.

Sayonara, little buddy. Better go back to fighting chimps for bananas.

-Brit.

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