Along a narrow back road in Hazzard County, a bus goes speeding by, leaving a trail of dust in its path. Curiously, the bus is consistently driving along at a hair over 50 mph, regardless of the sharp turns and washed-out sections of road. The passengers on the bus look on in panic wondering how they ended up here when they were in LA a short time ago.
Suddenly, from a small side road, lights and siren turn on, and a battered vintage 1980 cop car peels out, spewing dirt and gravel in all directions. Out of nowhere, fast-paced banjo music can also be heard.
"Oooooweee, we got a fast one here! Hot Pursuit, Flash! Hot Pursuit! Coo-coo-coo-coo!" Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane finally manages to stop his car from fishtailing, and zooms on down the road after his culprit.
Just as Rosco begins to accelerate, another car speeds up alongside Rosco, also in pursuit of the bus. This vehicle, at one time probably a cop car, is missing a door, is dragging its back bumper, and has flashing lights dangling by a wire from what's left of the roof. The driver grabs his CB radio and talks to Rosco.
"Local Smokey, this is Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Portague County, and I am in high speed pursuit. Now listen heah son, this is MY criminal, and I'M catching him and bringing him back to the law respectin' state of Texas. Ain't that right, Junior?!" Junior, in the passenger seat, dutifully nods in agreement. "Now you pull ovah and give way so I can get dat sum bitch."
Not intimidated, Rosco radios back, "That's a big negatory! Listen here, I've missed them Duke Boys every time for the past 12 years. This time I'm finally gonna nab the bad guy." With that, he floors the car and takes off after the bus, with Buford close behind.
So Brian, will Rosco or Buford succeed in stopping the slick speeder?
BRIAN: Buford wins this in a matter of minutes. First, there's experience and ability. Justice has over 30 years under his belt, as well as experience with high speed pursuits involving large vehicles. By contrast, Rosco can't even seem to keep his vehicle on the road. Home field is no good to a moron like Rosco who can't take advantage of it.
Second, there's motivation. Buford is motivated by many things, not least of which is the fact that the Frog-like Sandra Bullock stood Junior up at the altar. Primarily, though, he is driven by a need to enforce the law, and to punish those who do not respect it. Such a noble cause cannot be denied, not by lost car parts, not by an idiot son, not by pesky things like jurisdiction, and certainly not by Rosco. On the other side, while Rosco appears to be driven by his past failures, the blows those have dealt to his confidence will just end up hindering him. No, what really motivates Rosco is Boss Hogg. And what motivates Boss Hogg? Greed. Is there any moonshine on that bus? Any bootleg Waylon Jennings LPs? Without any financial inducement, it's just a matter of time before Hogg calls Rosco on the radio: "You couldn't catch a three-legged horse in it's own stall! Now git in here and help me dig for gold under Cooter's garage!"
Third, there is shock value. Rosco comes from the days of clean TV, where the most daring things you'd be exposed to are Daisy's legs. Buford, however, spewed forth a stream of creative obscenities that went unsurpassed in the days before Drill Sergeant Hartman. Heck, even if Rosco were listening to him through a USA Network censoring filter, Buford's extensive and gratuitous use of the phrase "scum bum" would still shock Rosco's values to the core. He just can't keep pace with his "oooh, doggies" and that cooing thing he does. Rosco will be so upset, he'll likely drive his car into a gully.
STEVE: I guess your commentary goes to show you that even if you now live in the South's moonshine-belt, it just can't make up for not really having watched these shows as a kid.
First, what motivates Rosco isn't greed -- it's anger, frustration, and revenge- three very powerful motivational forces. The county took away his pension, making him turn against his former law-abiding self. His frustration from continually missing Bo and Luke (not to mention being always surrounded by idiots like Enos) have made him desperately want to succeed. Now, he's unencumbered of his idiot friends -- it's just him and the bus. And no out-of-jurisdiction maniac is going to get in his way.
And Rosco's home field advantage will in fact make a huge difference. Justice can only blindly trail after the bus, hoping to pull it over somehow, although the state of his car shows he's not terribly good at it. Rosco on the other hand knows all these roads by heart. He can choose the "cut 'em off at the pass" option, take a side road past the old still, hang a right at the burnt-out bridge, and be in *front* of the bus, thus easily stopping it's passage.
Finally, it's clear that Buford T. Justice is entirely unsuccessful at pulling things over. He's probably been following this bus along for hundreds of miles, and still hasn't done it. He's just too stupid to realize it. Hell, just looking at his car shows that Justice hasn't got the balls to really stop this bus. When Rosco wants to stop something, there are only two end results. (1) The car stops, or (2) His police car is completely totaled in spectacular fashion. Justice's car, in its dented-scratched-dangly state just chows a complete lack of guts, and therefore, he will inevitably fail.
BRIAN: What my not watching Dukes as a kid does for me is it allows me to take an objective look at the show. Thus, I can avoid seeing Rosco through the frosted glass of nostalgia to realize that he really is nothing but a slack-jawed yokel. DING! Look at that... I already got some hate email from Tuscaloosa.
And if you had been paying attention, you'd know that I never said Rosco was motivated by greed. Boss Hogg is motivated by greed, but Rosco is motivated by Boss Hogg. Unlike Justice, Rosco isn't his own man. He's a lackey. A Pawn. A Stooge. Basically, he's Junior. In fact, in the extended metaphor known as "The Dukes of Hazzard" (it's an extended metaphor of The Smokey and The Bandit, of course), Rosco is Junior and Hogg is Buford. Thus, suggesting Coltrane could outdo Justice is like saying Junior could outdo Boss Hogg. Not gonna happen.
The Balladeer himself once said "If Sheriff Rosco runs Hazzard County, Boss Hogg runs Rosco," and Rosco's lackeyness will be a huge factor here. He won't leave the county without radioing in for permission, which will of course be denied if Hogg can't gain from it. Buford's disregard for jurisdiction is well established, and nothing will stop him. Since any decent country race lasts at least 3 counties, Rosco has no chance.
Let's face it, Smokey is good enough that they were able to make a "Smokey and the Bandit" movie without the Bandit! Coltrane without the Duke Boys would be worse than "Enos" or even "The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo", a feat never before thought possible.
It's important to note that Justice won't stop the bus without blowing it up. However, since no one ever dies in either universe, all passengers are safely thrown from the vehicle, splashing into ponds or crashing down on outhouses to reveal the embarrassed patron inside. But Buford will outlast Rosco by several counties, thereby taking the victory.
STEVE: Sure, they we're able to make a Smokey and the Bandit without the Bandit, but that doesn't mean diddly-squat, because it sucked. They also made a Weekend at Bernie's II but that doesn't mean it was any good. Rosco is quite capable of performing on his own. A quick look at IMDB shows that his acting career spans five decades. Right up there with Justice.
Since this chase is taking place in Hazzard county, you better believe that the Duke Boys have gotten wind of it. And something like this always has to involve them in some way. They'll effortlessly catch up to the bus, Rosco, and Justice in a matter of seconds using back roads only they know about. Now, as any watcher of The Dukes knows, the Duke Boys always have a soft spot for ol' Rosco. And Sheriff Justice is very reminiscent of the State Trooper/neighboring county officer who is always portrayed as evil in the Duke universe. With these two factors, it is a no-brainer that the Dukes are going to make sure that Rosco gets this victory, and not Justice. Actually, Justice will probably mistake the wild shenanigans of the Duke Boys for those of The Bandit, and immediately give chase to The Duke Boys instead of the bus. Regardless, the result is going to be a Rosco victory.
Finally, Sheriff Justice, played by Jackie Gleason, used to be a bus driver in a previous well-known life in The Honeymooners. He thinks he knows busses, because he played a bus driver for so many years. But let me tell you, they've changed since the 50's. Bigger. Faster. He's gotten himself into a no-win situation, and he's slowly beginning to realize it. Sure, when he first tried to pull the bus over, he thought it was a walk in the park. But look what it has escalated into. And now his southern pride won't let him stop. At some point, he'll mumble something to Junior about how maybe this chase wasn't a good idea after all. Junior, the Alice-like voice of reason, will reply "That's what I've been telling you along!". The Sheriff will then reply "To the moon, Junior! To the moon!"
Charles Wachsmuth, and Eddie McHam for suggesting this match.
The bus is going as slow as it possibly can (without going under 50 mph, that is), while the two pursuers are going as fast as they can. So it shouldn't be hard for them to catch up with the bus. But what happens then? These guys have never actually stopped a speeding vehicle. In fact, I've never seen a filmed car chase where someone actually managed to stop a vehicle. (Unless you count that deadly boring O.J. car chase, but that's real life and therefore totally out of place here.) With absolutely no precedent to go on, I can only imagine that the result would be, as Bob Newhart, would say, Something Like This (tm):
ROSCO: Yee-hooey! I've done caught up with that there storage crate with wheels! I knew borrowin' that engine from Starsky and Hutch would pay off for me!
- Captain Corcoran
As Justice and Coltrane SPEED after the anarchic automobile, all three vehicles fail to notice a deputy's car stuck in the mud right in the middle of the road. As the oblivious driver gets out to examine the problem, the bus smashes into the patrol car, with the two pursuing cop cars crashing momentarily afterward. A shocked, confused, and completely unscathed Barney Fife gazes at the spectacle before him. He takes off his cap, scratches his head, and says "Garsh, Andy ain't gonna believe this..."
- The Brainchild
Justice wins, simply because his nemesis is tougher. You judge a man by the quality of his enemies. For example:
1. The Name.
(By the way, you figure Rosco after God-knows-how-many-times would figure out he really needs to put up a WALL on the other side of the pond that the Duke boys jump! Or here's a thought: Get rid of the ramps! Who puts up a ramp by a pond! I mean honestly!)
Wait a minute. Bumbling, redneck, easily-pissed off cops in a high speed car chase? Did someone say "Rodney King" all over again?
- Charge Man
This is a very even matchup. Both lawmen have a roughly equal record of incompetence. Buford T. Justice could never catch Smokey and Rosco P. Coltrane could never catch the Dukes. So, law enforcement skill is not the deciding factor in this match. Looking at the actors who played these characters, one of the commentators said that both actors have acting careers of similar length and even invoked the IMDB to support it. However, it is not always the length of an acting career that counts. Aside from playing Rosco P. Coltrane, what else is James Best remembered for? Nothing. Bupkus. On the other hand, you have Jackie Gleason. He was not called "The Great One" for nothing. He was best known for "The Honeymooners" and in fact is one of the few actors to have one of his characters immortalized as a statue (a Ralph Kramden statue is at the Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York). Gleason also hosted a popular variety show (which not only spawned "The Honeymooners" but also had a character who inspired Matt Groening, years later, to create Barney Gumbel). In addition Gleason also appeared in a number of dramatic films, including "The Hustler". He also has a huge fan club RALPH (Royal Association for the Longevity and Preservation of the Honeymooners). James Best can't boast anything remotely comparable. So, Buford T. Justice will win this one, powered by the natural superiority of Jackie Gleason.
- The Demented Astronomer
The winner is indisputably is Sheriff Buford T. Justice of TEXAS. Yes, TEXAS -- the death penalty capital of Planet Earth. And as a red- blooded Texan since the ripe old age of 7, I hereby prophesy that Buford will mow down anyone or anything that gets in his way to stop that bus. Rosco, deep down, couldn't hurt a fly. Now what *I* wanna see once Buford nails that bus's rear tires and sends it careening off the highway is the Grudge Match that ensues when he actually tries to nail the perp -- none other than Danny Bonaduce.... who else would be drunk, doped-up, or just plain nutty enough to use a psychedelic-colored bus to lead old Buford on a high- speed cross-country pursuit? Danny'll try to bribe his way out... Buford will give him a much-deserved attention-getter!
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Cursory inspection of the combatants here may lead one to believe that both Rosco and Buford are similar. They are both cops, they both act as comedic antagonists, and they both nearly always fail to catch their elusive, sex-symbolesque, protagonists. There is, however, a great distinction to be drawn between Rosco and Buford. It's true that both are fools, the crux of the matter will be decided by what KIND of fool. Its said that the Eskimos have more than 20 words for "snow." The French have more than eight words for "love." More important for this discussion, however, is the fact that in the Yiddish language there are more than 4.2 million ways to call someone an "idiot." Aided by Yiddish Specificity(tm) the discussion becomes much clearer.
Consider, for instance, the following: Schlemeil: One who always spills his soup. Schlmazel: One on whom the soup is always spilled. Its clear that, of the two, Rosco is more likely to allow himself to be shit on. A Schlmazel is one who is too weak to stand up for himself, and Rosco fits this bill like a glove. In short, Rosco has got to be the pinkest little lilly pickin' chimba to have ever disgraced television.** Bottom line: Buford may be a fool, but at least he's got chutzpa--and no matter what kind of fool you are, a good, swingin' set of beitsim goes a long way in this world.
**Note: It is commonly known that there is more than 8.2 million ways to insult another's manhood in Spanish. "Chimba" is a particularly emasculating insult found in a Columbian dialect of Spanish that has no adequate English counterpart.
- Ole Miss Law
The winners of the previous match, Wilma Flinstone and Betty Rubble, were characters based on Alice and Trixie, from Gleason's popular Honeymooners television show. Based on the momentum created by the previous Geason-related victory, the whiplash-trauma from a Buford T. Justice defeat could be so severe, it could actually cause the Moon to tear in half, like in the apocalyptic future of the old Thundarr the Barbarian cartoon. Based on that remote possibility, I voted for Sheriff Coltrane.
- Mike Leung
Rosco hands down for a couple very very simple and obvious reasons. Sheriff Bufford T. Justice has yet to apprehend anyone at all in any of the Bandit movies. Even with a fleet of over one hundred patrol cars all he ended up with was a huge pile (make that multiple huges piles) of scrap metal. Rosco, while he does wreck cruisers at least manages to catch criminals since the Duke Boys always come back around and help him out where as the Bandit just sits in his car and laughs before taking off to find another place to watch Sheriff Justice crash without a single shred of remorse. Now if you want a REAL challenge, see who can wrack up a larger number of crashed police cruisers while being chased, the Blues Brothers (of the origional movie) or the Bandit.
What? They're two different people?
I knew I couldn't escape it. Sooner or later, I'd have to make reference to that one bastion of grudge-match one-upsmanship, that sole factor that has provided victory to so many... yes, folks... The Rage (TM). And Rosco has it in spades. Not a mild rage either. Oh no. One of the worst sub-classifications of Rage this side of the Incredible F'ing Hulk (TM). The "I'm gonna get that roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote" Rage (TM, patent pending, C, etc. etc.) Plus, he's had to answer to Hazzard County's own answer to Jabba the Hut for HOW LONG? Not only that, but, judging from the opening scenario, it sounds as though Buford's car is practically falling apart. How much longer can a car held together by the proverbial spit and tape (TM) expect to last? Rosco bags the van faster than you can say "Gone in Sixty Seconds."
I voted for the loser so far...but seriously, why isn't there a "Horrific car wreck involving both cars, the bus, the General Lee, a Trans Am, and an 18-wheeler" button? Just imagine that...a huge wreck with a tune that sounds like "Dixie" slowly winding down, and one CB speaker, saying, "Bandit! Bandit, you got your ears on?"
- Scotty J. "These were both pretty much before my time, so this isn't such a great response"
Sorry to say this, but never of them is going to win. Hers what happens: The two cop cars are neck and neck, right behind the bus, when they reach a crossroads. From the left comes' the Duke brothers, and from the right, the Bandit. The two Sheriff's swerve to avoided the cars, collide and burst into flames, killing the occupants, except Junior, who stands there calling out "Daddy, where are you! Daddy!" The Bandit gets on the radio: "Nice driving there boy's" Luke picks up the General Lee's CB: "Thanks man! Hay, have you met my cousin?" In the bus Otto look's in the rear-view mirror: "Wow man, another Acid flash back. Glad I'm not driving!"
- Rincewind the Wizzard
You have to consider the legendary Hazzard Terrain. Those naturally-occurring earthen ramps that dot the landscape of the county (not really, as I have pointed out before) present an impasse that's likely to confound Sheriff Justice. While Rosco thinks nothing of jumping broken bridges and sailing off a dirt incline, Buford won't be able to coax his car over a ditch; it's already coming apart at the seams. His car is simply unable to keep up with the vehicular aerobatics of the Speed bus; the Texas-to- Georgia run is about the limit for the '70s-era cruiser.
By contrast, Coltraine will be rolling his car and flipping it end- over-end to keep up with the bus as it flies over the countryside. It is, after all, par for the course for the Hazzard taxpayers. If his timing is the same as always, Rosco's car should catch up just as Luke leaps off the bus and back into the General Lee, bomb in hand. The bus will then be stopped easily, as the Sheriff has an extensive background in pulling over buses (usually with country music singers inside).
One final consideration is that any outsider in Hazzard (other than country music singers or victims in distress) is automatically The Villain. Justice's car is more likely to be blown up by exploding arrows (fashioned from the bomb bus, no doubt) than it is to catch up with an overdriven transit vehicle.
Did Grudge Match leave out some details about this match on purpose? While we have a great deal of documented knowledge about the astounding incompetence of Officers Justice and Coltrane, I ask what do we know about the specifics of the speeding bus? Is the bus being driven by Keanu Reeves, for example? Why must the bus be carooming down Hazzard County roads only "a shade" over 50? Why has the bus left Los Angeles city limits? What kind of gas milage is it getting? If another bus was going 30 mph, heading in the opposite direction, how long would it take for both busses to cross paths? Pressing questions indeed, for they indicate the determination of the bus driver NOT to get caught, a hugely important factor in determining the outcome of this match.
Should it be determined that Keanu Reeves is in fact at the helm of the speeding bus, the fact changes the picture drastically. For the "Pressing Time of Great Crisis" Rule of Action Movies would have to be envoked. The Rule states that the hero in great peril must always have the right away in any possibly life-threatening action sequence. Should that rule be envoked, there can be no true champion in this match. So you see, Grudge Match, I am at a loss. I feel that I do not posess enough knowledge regarding the match circumstances to accurately determine a winner. I hope in future matches you can rectify this situation.
- that guy, who did that one thing, at that party somewhere
Rosco wins, but he'll never be able to talk about his "victory". Herein lies the tale...
Rosco, being Rosco, obviously crashes his vehicle, making it undrivable. That he crashes into Justice's car is the coup de grace to the havoc wrecked upon it already. The two sheriffs leave their respective debris and the match turns to fistfights, each oblivious to the imposing man stepping off the bus.
"Dammit," Detective Popeye Doyle swears to himself: the smugglers got away, after he'd gone through the trouble to commandeer another bus. That Doyle had to fight Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock for the steering wheel doesn't assauge his temper, and seeing Rosco and Justice only adds to his rage. "You're under arrest," Doyle tells Justice and Rosco, "for interfering with a narcotics operation." Just then the Duke Boys race past in the General Lee. As the Dixie Mafia has been responsible for the city's recent influx of heroin, Doyle concludes that the Dukes are the latest "French Connection" and takes off in the bus. Junior had already been thrown out of Justice's car in that nasty turn on Lizard Lick Road and Flash snuck aboard the bus during the melee, happily napping away in a warm seat. The dog is the only one who will leave this match unscathed.
Rosco and Justice are left alone and abandoned in the Georgia wilderness. The two put aside their differences and begin following a nearby river back to civilization. A few miles downstream Rosco and Justice come across two hillbillies... with guns. "You have a real purrr-ty mouth," one of them drawls to Justice.
At that very moment a canoe bearing fifty pounds of poached albino rhino steaks is floating by. There's no time for a rescue: Bandit has to make it to Atlanta in 45 minutes or no deal! A sound akin to a squealing pig breaks the silence, followed by the patented Burt Reynolds "ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAAA!"
Justice is never heard from again. Rosco makes it back to Hazzard and is reunited with Flash, but will forevermore be strangely silent about what happened out on the Cahulawassee River...
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight has 5 speeding tickets and a REAL Hazzard County girlfriend!
I judged this by the pictures, being the short-attentioned spanned spawn of hippies and broken down by MTV and violent computer games. If you look at Coltrane you see a man...Oh My God! He's going to shoot that dog! Get that gun away from that maniac! And if you look at Justice: Note the bugged eyes, the flaccid jowls, the messy shirt, and evil mustache. This is obviously the earthly form of Mephistopheles himself! Beware! Beware! God, I need a life
- Come on! This site is taking a whole four seconds to load!
Buford T. Justice is three jelly donuts short of a massive coronary, and riding around with Junior all that time has got to be stressing him bad. That man needs to be speeding to a hospital instead of chasing a speeding bus. I'm frankly surprised he lasted this long.
- My hovercraft is full of eels!
"Justice shall always triumph" To elaborate Rosco works within a jurisdiction of hazard county. Justice as pointed out works without jurisdiction Therefore given that hazard county is a finite territory with given dimensions (H) and the bus is moving at a finite speed (V) rosco has a time equal to H/V minutes to pull off a successful interception before the bus clears the region. Justice has no such limit since as his jurisdiction approaches infinite so does his time to intercept (even if the universe dies a heat death first) The second point is that Justice has shown an ability to requesition/override local enforcement time and again putting up massive road blocks. Rosco doesn't command that kind of respect.
Okay, my vote is going for Mr. Justice. For one thing, he's gotta be good because he's got a sidekick. Granted, that sidekick is a weenie yes-man named "Junior", but I digress. Only the best cops get sidekicks. However that is not my main argument. The man's name is Buford! That has got to cause some feelings of anger and hostiliy. I mean, his mother must have wanted him to get beat up. He is definitley a bitter, hateful person. This drive will get him to the bus, and although he will undoubtedly blow everyone up (assuming we are talking about the bus from "Speed"(tm)) he will leave Rosco in the dust.
- Speedy Gonzales
Easy solution here folks. Neither wins. Here's why
If the bus originated from LA, passed through Texas, and ended up in ol Hazzard County(tm), you'd think that it'd be running a little low on the ol gasoline. Beufort and Rosco are so busy arguing juristiction that neither notices as the buss conks out and begins to roll gently to a halt. Unfortunately, this means that both smokeys pull alongside at the same moment that the speedo on the bus edges 49mph, and erupts into an all-consuming-inferno-of-death-and- destruction(tm).
Consequences? Both smokeys find themselves literally smoking in the remains of their vehicles, with their faces covered with humerous black soot(tm) too aghast to speak as per tv and movie comedy guidelines. Keannu Reeves lands painfully in a tree. Sandra Bullock on the other hand, with her clothes burnt off and torn away in a most revealing yet entirely modest way, lands through the window of the General Lee(tm), and goes off with Bo and Luke for another 45 minutes of hilarity, fast driving, and banjo music. Yeeeeeeeha!(tm)
- Hyper Intelligent Fish
Well, if the bus has Hotbranch 3:16 written on it, this whole thing is rather moot, isn't it?
Rosco: Knows where the Duke Boys live, but can't catch them.
Justice: Tracks the Bandit across the entire United States.
Rosco: Rides with his dog, Flash, who only rarely interferes with a chase.
Rosco: Continually belittled by his quarry
Rosco: known for saying "coo coo coo" - what a pigeon says.
Rosco: bossed around by a big, fat guy.
Rosco: doesn't really want to arrest the Dukes; secretly likes them.
Rosco: continually beaten by two guys who now can't find decent hollywood jobs (I said "decent").
Rosco: defeated by his own stupidity, or his bosses'.
Rosco: in the show with Catherine Bach, who once was a hot playboy bunny.
Rosco: beaten by a Dodge Charger without working doors.
Rosco: hunts cheap country moonshine
This couldn't be more obvious if Rosco strapped himself to the Death Star and gave Buford T. Justice an R2 unit, the Death Star plans, a dead British actor, a princess in a metal bikini and an entire armada of X-wing fighters.
- The Bunyip
Hoodoggah! We got us a carchase! Dis gonna be more lopsidded den wool-bamdoggie wit' cornflake buton! Dis gonna be more sad den French-pot ontoppa bean-whack ido-tam tam! Bandit gonna win dis faster den Sonic-foodbutt nexta Texas-Toastspam! My life complete now, with a cherry at the bottom of his glass. *points to his 99 cent Buddha* Adiuos!
- Grudge-Match Fan
What is this - a contest between two characters I've never heard of, where my vast store of useless knowledge is, well, useless? And from source material that is anathema to geeks such as myself? There's only one way I can write this up and still hold my virtual head high: As they're alone in the country, naturally both rednecks are abducted by Kang and Kodos and subjected to horrors considered unspeakable by anyone except an "X-Files" fan-fic writer. The bus gets away, and I go back to trying to figure out who would win the battle of the shapeshifters - Mystique, Odo, or the T1000. (hint, hint)
- 6 of 24 (you don't get it, do you)
Boy, you guys really did it this time. It seems you forgot just who is on that bus...
Buford and Rosco are neck and neck, when a black car with heavily tinted windows shoots out of a side road. It pulls even with both police cars, and rolls down it's passenger side window, from witch protrudes a megaphone.
"Sherrif," booms Agent Smith, "You were given specific orders."
- Antidisestablishmentairianism (Oh, and Neo jumps out the side window, cause he can't get killed too)
Okay here's how it goes... Buford crashes his car into Rosco's. Before he gets out, Jr. lands on top of Rosco's auto screaming "Daddy, I got him!!" Rosco them jumps out and begins to pistol whip the boy. Gunshot. Boom! [Rosco is] Dead! Buford shakes his head. Jr shouts, "Great shot Daddy!" Justice: "Will you just shut up and get back in the car." As Jr. gets back in we hear buford mumble, "Dang it I was aiming for the boy" End of story with Hazard looking for a new sheriff
- Sonny the Bandit
I have to give this one to Justice, even though Coltrane has taken an early lead. We saw in the scenario that Justice hailed Coltrane on a CB RADIO. Think about that a second.
In Hazzard County, anyone with a CB radio ALWAYS gets the better of Rosco P. Coltrane. Always. Even without a car.
Then again, maybe the passengers on that bus will end up squealing like pigs (tm), since there's no Bandit around to rescue them, so Justice may not take the prize either. But he'll still have come closer.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
Steve and Brian, I've had enough of y'all's feudin'. I ain't heard no squawkin' like that since Pappy McCoy caught young Harriet out back o' the barn with young Cletus Hatfield.
Now, y'all know you shouldn't be bickerin' like that. That gits more annoyin' then havin' one of them possums a-chewin' yer trigger finger. Now you two go make neighbor-like. Y'hear? Go on!
Tell ya what. Why don't y'all go on yonder to ol' widder Haddock's place and see if she can't fetch y'all some of her 'ward-winnin' peach cobbler. Ain't seen nothing like it, I reckon, since I was yeah-high to an ant hill, an' I been over to Shelby County once or twice. Y'all go on down there and see if you can't iron out yer differences over some of that there peach cobbler. Mebbe put some of her homemade ice cream on top. If y'all can't work out yer quarrels while chowing on them vittles, there ain't no hope for y'all.
Get on yonder now!
- Mark Wentz
Upon my word. This week's Grudge Match TM is akin to fighting a duel with unloaded pistols. "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law." The law of reality that is.
I think it's safe to say you've completely missed the boat...er bus here.
I grant you that both of these contestants have the RageTM to make the big bust. Just as I'm sure the phony 22 MPH Quiet Zone sign Enos placed at the edge of Hazzard County ensured that the Bus is in the wrong. However, there is no way that Buford and Rosco are capable of catching that bus.
Why? The reason is simple. It's the same reason why Stormtroopers can't hit stationary kids from Tatooine in the heart of their own Death StarTM. The same reason why thousands of former Third Reich soldiers can't eliminate a simple Archaeologist. The reason is FateTM. Stronger than Rage is the Fate.
Here's what really happens...
Just as ol'Buford and Rosco are about run the bus up Deadman's Ridge. A Black Trans-AM roars past both on the right. Quickly followed by a Bright Orange Dodge Charger bearing a Union Jack on the roof. The two cars appear to be loaded with something heavy in the trunk.
Momentarily distracted by their Arch Nemeses, Rosco and Buford fail to notice the large Semi-trailer that's just merged in behind them, which appears to have Keanu Reeves hanging off the front bumper. "Dude, we gotta like totally get that bus."
Accelerating the Semi roars between Rosco and Buford forcing them off the road. Rosco immediately hits a clump of bushes which for some reason contains a reinforced car jump and sent hurtling through space. His only word is, "SheeeeooooooT!". Back on the road Buford isn't doing too good either. With a muttered, "Sum of Bitch!", he's sent into a clump of trees which rip off his mirrors, siren, doors, antennae, and other hanging or dangling parts.
The two cars, the bus and the semi roll off into the distance to fulfill thier FateTM. Leaving Rosco and Buford to receive CB radio calls from their incompetent assistants asking them whether they caught that bus. "No, I haven't caught it, you numbskull." says Rosco and Buford in some sort of strange script anomaly.
Since this is a battle of cop ability, you must factor the pork factor. Now, look at the two nice police officers. Which is fatter? Good cops are overweight.
A redneck policeman rumble?!? There's only one way this could possibly end... Justice: Sweet mother of pearl! Mah car's all wrecked up!!! Dangit, Coltrane, you done hit me onto someone's front lawn! Tha peoples inside are gonna be all riled up! Coltrane: Wait a second, that there house is for sale... Justice and Coltrane move in as roommates and leave their immobile cars on their front lawn, living the American Redneck dream for many years.
- The Mad Josher
After suffering through two Smokey and the Bandits and a handful of Dukes of Hazard I was nearly scared for life in the eighties. Now here they are again to tax all our nerve. Thus I would love to say that they shall purge each from this world in a blazing crash, but as mentally as it is I have to say Rosco will win because of the Clouseau (Inspector if you will) factor. Let me explain - in any campy universe anyone who can be considered lovable, moronic, and clumsy will always win out over a equally statused individual with half a brain. So because you chose to put this into the world of the Dukes... Rosco will win and the world will be robbed of of seeing both these two die in firery crash (In the line of duty). So in the words of Mr.Garison "CURSE YOU, CURSE YOU ALL TO HELL."
- "The Raven" Cobriety
Gotta give it to Rosco- His four-legged partner has Junior outclassed in the smarts department
- Mr. Silverback- Grudgefans, laugh in the face of evil: Donate blood at your local Red Cross!
who cares about two white-trash idiots in a crappy car? let them get away!! the only reason to catch them would be to FINALLY GET THE SHOW OFF THE AIR. i swear, southerners worship two things: general lee and waffle house.
Guys, let's be realistic here. These two have as much of a chance of successfully catching a speeder as a one-legged man has of winning a three-legged race... or something else which is clever and witty. After much hilarity ensues, the culprit will escape and Buford will as always blame Rosco for everything.
- Adam B.
What the match comes down to is who will be able to catch up to the bus first. This relies entirely upon the car. Never having seen either Smokey and the Bandit or an episode of The Dukes of Hazaard, all my knowledge of police cars comes from Blues Brothers. Their movies show that police cars go faster after having the crap beaten out of them, therefore, Buford will have the edge. When he pulls alongside the bus, he can throw Junior out of the car and under the bus tire, acting as a wedge. End of story.
- Keith B. Goode
Is one of the Duke boys driving that bus? I don't think so!!!! See, if either Bo or Luke wuz driving, then there is no way in heaven or on earth Rosco would catch that bus. BUT. . . the main and only revenue that Hazzard County has is the speed trap Boss Hogg has on the edge of town, which is the sole employment (except chasen' the Dukes, of course) of the Sherrif. So, catchen' that bus is business as usual, for Rosco. (Enos is completely another story) I have a feelin' that the "visiting" Sherrif will end up with a speeden' ticket of his own.
I would typically say Justice over Rosco, but there is one complication. The problem is that we have not considered the "Daisy Duke" factor here: Rosco never, ever was distracted by Daisy Duke, and, in fact never showed any particular interest in ANY women. He just wanted to get them Duke Boys. Sheriff Justice, meanwhile, can be distracted by the female form "she was dancin' up that aisle" and he is clearly a misogynistic woman- hater "Remind me when I get home to punch your momma in the mouth." He would be easily distracted by even the Shatneresquely proportioned contemporary Catherine Bach in a pair of sans-a-belt Daisy Duke shorts. This gives old Rosco the opening he needs to "cuff- em'n'stuff-em". C'yoot,c'yoot,c'yoot, c'yoot.
- Dr. Stones
Now hold up a minute ya @#$#@*$! Sure I'll admit that once upon a time, say right about the time the Duke boys were gettin there asses sent to prison for moonshining (MOONSHINING?!) Sherrif Rosco P. Coltrain was the best Lawman East of the Mississippi. But, He's lost a whole ton of steps over the years and just can't keep up anymore. You can have all the motivation in Hazzard County, but if the flesh is week, the spirit isn't able. Now, when was the last time anybody saw ole' Rosco catch anything except a cold? Never. His track record goes something like this. See the Dukes run by his speed traps, chase them, destroy $1,500 worth of Detroit made Iron. True, he does have a mean streak when it comes to busses passin' through his territory, but only if a famous country and western band is on it. If that bus isn't the Alabama boys touring through ten southern states, it ain't stoppin' in Hazard.
On the other hand, Justice. It's in his name, and although he can't catch wind coming from the other side of the car, he can not be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity or remorse. He absolutely will not stop until the Bandit, or any other law breaker he happens upon, is in a cell with his #%$^&$ boot stuck up in #$%#$%. Not to mention the fact that Buford can drive any car in any condition. He could have three wheels and a seat belt left of his car and still do ninety in hot pursuit. "When we get home, remind me to punch your mama right in the face." Does that sound like a quitter!?
- Mike Allen
I request to have my vote recast. An errant mouse-click caused me to erroneously vote for Buford T. Justice. Hands down Hazzard County's finest: Rosco P. Coltrane will pull over that bus for one reason and one reason alone. It is widely known that worm-holes and time-distortions litter the landscape of Hazzard County, particularly around bails of hay, barns, and farm-equipment stacked in such a way as to cause vehicles to mysteriously become airborne at which point said vehicle enters said time-distortion and is suspended in mid-air... or is otherwise slowly deposited into a body of water. Such time/space anomalies are foriegn to Buford T. Justice and will render him unconscious and unable to maintain pursuit of Keanu...I mean the bus. Rosco on the other hand has been navigating Hazzard County's spatial distortions for some years now and is able to use them to his advantange and easily overtake Keanu... I mean the bus. Rosco-PeeCo'Train, the winner!
this one is close, but the determining factor is going to be jurisdiction, and while i agree that Rosco will have to ask for permission from boss to cross county lines, this will actually help him and hender Justice... while Rosco sits at the county line, waiting for final approval from Boss Hogg, Justice follows the bus into Chickasaw county where another obstacle awaits... anyone who knows anything about Chickasaw county knows that it is ruled with an iron fist by Sheriff Little, who is not about to let someone else hoard in on a collar in his territory... Little will ultimately drive Justice through a random road construction site, causing both to nose dive into a pond... meanwhile, Rosco has gained permission from Boss because there is an outside chance that there is a famous country singer on that bus who could sing at the Boar's Nest to get out of the ticket... Rosco wins.
This one comes down to who can survive the first jump. Now, we know the bus'll make it, the freakin' 6 ton uberbus managed a leap across a half-built overpass without breaking into bits, so it'll make it across one of Hazzard county's 234 broken bridges and other ramp-like structures (see our full color brochure!). Justice's car must've been made in the same factory as the car from Carrie, becuase no matter how beat up it gets, it still rolls. Rosco, on the other hand, drives a lowest-bid government surplus-rejected bit of tin that has not ever ONCE survived one of Hazzard's many "speed-bumps". Rosco will be in the ditch, hollering at his dog and Boss Hogg on the CB while the narrator goes "Welll now, that's how it goes here in Hazzard County, lets go see what this Justice fella' is up to".
I realize you're good Grudge-boys (who don't mean any harm), but this match will be trouble from the day it was born. I'm sure you'd change it if you could (like some dune-buggy-day Robin Hood), but fact of the matter is that's just a little bit more than the Grudge will allow.
There are three immutable laws in Hazzard:
1) Bad guys go down within an hour, really bad guys go down within two.
2) Respect for geographical jurisdiction.
3) Inbreeding produces hot chicks. Quite simply, Rosco P. Coltrane always catches the true bad guys in Hazzard County. Sure, Bo and Luke get away, but true ne'er-do-wells, umm, ne'er do. Granted, he may need help from either set of the Duke Boys and/or Uncle Jesse and/or Daisy and/or Crazy Congressman Cooter and/or Enos and/or Cletus and/or Flash but true evil always falls to the law in Hazzard County. Here's how I call it. If the bus is truly worth chasing, Rosco's friends will arrange some wild Hazzard County Shuck n' Jive, after which Boss Hogg will be covered in mud and sputtering obscenities at his driver, Enos will have crashed into Buford T. Justice, causing a roadblock which diverts the bus over the edge of the riverbank and into a ravine just after that last jump past the old bridge among the fallen leaves. Rosco will unsuccessfully navigate the jump, flip and wreck his cruiser, but clamber out in time to cuff 'em and stuff 'em a minute or two after Bo and Luke have engaged in some momentary fisticuffs, and successfully disarmed and captured the offenders. Boss Hogg will holler at Rosco, who will holler at Enos, who will sheepishly ask Cooter to tow the vehicles out of the ditch, after which Daisy will give Enos a peck on the cheek so he'll feel better, and finally the Duke Boys will drive off into the sunset whooping and hollering and tossing back the 'shine. If the bus aint worth chasin', Rosco will give up at the county line, and Buford T. Justice (assuming his broken down car survives the journey) might (if he's lucky and they're stupid) catch them a county or two later at a rest stop.
- Obscured Underlord, riding Daisy's Jeep
Our two main competitors are evenly matched. Rosco knows the territory, which basically means he'll be able to avoid the dozens of wrecked police cars he's strewn across the landscape in his career. Buford has the tenacity, meaning he'll maintain pursuit after his car has wrecked itself on every ditch, bump, and creek ford on Hazzard County's roads, even if Junior has to get out and push. That little tangent brings us to sidekicks, and that's where this match will be decided.
Junior is a challenge to the very system of IQ testing, as those scores are technically not supposed to extend into negative figures. He would be most useful as a speed bump for the bus, and he's so dumb he'll volunteer. He is outclassed in every way by Flash, Rosco's trusty basset hound. Not only is Flash faster, smarter, more handsome, and less prone to sniffing himself, but he brings fate onto Rosco's side. Buford could never best the Bandit, and who did that rogue have on his side but Fred, the Snowman's basset. Now Buford is up against another basset-equipped good ol' boy, and he is going to lose again. Coincidence? Surely not.
Now the only problem is going to be getting all those passengers into a Hazzard County jail with a capacity of about three. Well, I'm sure Flash will think of something.
- My Handle Is Shane
Personally, I think "Both mangled and killed" would work much better, but there is no write-in vote. Picture this... Buford (well-known for calling in assistance to try to corral The Bandit) sees the easily-controlled Rosco giving chase as well and realizes he can used this to his advantage to help him stop the bus. He picks up his CB again again rapidly explains his plan, Junior nodding thoughtlessly behind him. Then in concert, the two cars pass the bus, one on each side, pull in front, and apply their brakes simultaneously, slowing the bus down just enough... Keanu Reeves breathes a "Whoa..." just seconds before the lot of them are blown to grits.
- Lo-Q-tus of Q-Borg
Did anyone notice that if one of them manages to pull the bus over, the whole thing will explode and kill the winner? This means that whoever pulls that bus over has to be 1) very stupid or 2) completely unconcerned for their well-being. Well, I think Rosco has "stupidity" covered here. Anyone who can't manage to capture a couple hick bootleggers can't exactly be a genius. On the other hand, very few people are as reckless and single-minded as Buford T. Justice. Buford probably knows about the bomb, he just doesn't care. So it comes down to Rosco's stupidity vs. Buford's recklessness.
But wait! Buford has Junior, and that means that Buford has recklessness AND stupidity on his side. With this combination, he can't lose! While he sends Junior to go deal with Sheriff Coltrane (he does this by grabbing Rosco's car by the rear bumper and trying to hold it in place), Buford takes advantage of the distraction and pulls past him to force the bus to stop on the side of the road. RIP Sheriff Buford T. Justice. Distinguished officer of over 30 years seniority. One of the most highly respected law enforcement agents in the United States of America.
- Infraggable Krunk
As Brian so eloquently commented, Buford T. Justice is personally impressive. He once beat the daylights out of a couple of thugs and then "persuaded" them to keep their hands on a vehicle until more police came while he left the scene to chase Junior's fiancée. Now that's intimidation. Rosco couldn't scare a schoolgirl fieldmouse. He's the Jerry Lewis of law enforcement. The only people that Rosco can intimidate are infinitely meek Enos and eternally clueless Cletus and even they ignore him when they want to. Despite the perception to the contrary, Coltrane's specialty is Hot Pursuit! Sure, the Dukes humiliate him time after time but he's taking on a race car driver and a fearless fire jumper here. Rosco has been taking on the best so he has honed his skills to the best he can be. That's what gives him the ability to catch all those country and western celebrities to play at The Boar's Nest. And even though the Dukes managed to dupe Rosco and escape, he even once caught the Duke boys with his fancy driving skills. Compare this to Justice who cannot catch a truck with a car. Bandit stopped and had sex in the backseat and still got away. Justice is like the turtle racing the hare except that he loses anyway. It is going to take fancy driving to catch that bus and lots of intimidation to get it to slow down. Undoubtedly, these two will join forces. Now for our winner: - Consider that Justice's car looks like a wreck after multiple collisions. - Consider that Coltrane, Flash and his car always look good as new no matter how many normally fatal collisions he has. I think we all know who will survive this one...
- Paul G.
Rosco is just a piece of raw meat for Buford to put in his Diablo sandwich, chew up and swallow. I know because Nostradamus predicted it over 200 years ago. Look: "In the land of alcohol and natural dirt ramps A carriage is caught in the midst of chaos Two will try to control it But one will tear the other asunder The man who can not catch the two brothers will succumb To the man who chases the criminal with the hairpiece" It's the absolute truth I swear!!
- My name is Kenny
Big and Little Enos Burdett could buy and sell J.D.Hogg about infinity times, they are trying for the Governorship of Texas. Boss Hogg is just some small town Hick, which leads me to...
Buford is a Texan redneck from the Lone Star state. There the locals stand around drinking beer and getting mean, like on King of the Hill. Rosco is a hill-billy from Kentucky (I think) or some other piss arse state like Arkansas or Tenessee where the locals sit on porches, play stud poker with food stamps and bitch about the result of the Civil War. Advantage: Do I need to say it?
The state troopers of two states plus the RCMP v Cletus. Even if the state troopers got creamed by the Truckers they at least got the Bandit worried. Cletus would have achieved SFA.
And finally the kicker:
I'm sorry, but I can't comment on this match. I don't get TNN(TM).
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