World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?


The Scenario

For the owner of the Android's Dungeon, it was a typical day: a full day's work screaming at kids not to touch the rare Pogs, followed by a trip to the TacoMat for the 200 taco special. After stopping at the library to brag about his muscular 190 I.Q. it was on to the Kwik-E-Mart to buy some lottery tickets and ogle some pornography. A brief stop at the country club to gaze longingly at richer, more popular people, and back home for a solid 16 hour snooze. Yes, a typical day. But that night, instead of a naked Captain Janeway serving him buffalo wings, his dreams took an odd turn...

"Howdy there! My name is Maude Flanders. You were the one reading "She-Hulk" during my eulogy, right? Well, you just had another cardiac episode, and I'll be your guide to the afterlife. Unfortunately, your life was too full of sin to get into heaven. For gosh sakes, just look how you spent your last day! Every sin imaginable! No, it's eternal damnation for you, and... hold on a second. It says here you're eligible for the Deus Ex Machina Second Chance Clause (TM). Very well, you'll be put to a test. If you can go one week without committing any of the Seven Deadly Sins, you get to live out the rest of your life. If any one of them corrupts you, you'll be sent directly to hell, which is a very nasty place indeedy. And to make sure you truly learn your lesson, you'll spend the week in the city whose very name is synonymous with sin... Las Vegas. Now, toodles!"

The Comic Book Guy awakens in a plush room and considers his situation. The room's got a waterbed and cable TV. He looks out a window onto the Strip. He's never been to a casino before. Showgirls, 99 cent buffets, and infuriating tourists abound. Plus, he remembers reading that the city is currently hosting both a comics expo and a Mensa convention. The lights and excitement of Sin City beckon. But then he recalls Maude's warning. Glumly, he sinks into a chair and mutters "Worst moral dilemma ever!"

So, everyone, which sin will corrupt the comic collector, or will virtue vanquish all the vices?


Envy Worst moral dilemma ever!: The Seven Deadly Sins Wrath Greed Lust Virtue Pride Gluttony Sloth

Wrath vs. Greed vs. Lust vs. Gluttony
vs. Sloth vs. Envy vs. Pride vs. Virtue

The Commentary

MARK: Wrath has this one in the bag. There is one thing that the Comic Book Guy has never been one to suffer-- oh, what do you call 'em? People! CBG HATES them. Las Vegas is loaded with people. Old people. Young people. Trekkies. He's gotten so angry with his own customers he's had a heart attack. This guy is a walking welt o' wrath.

Not being one for remorse, compassion, or perspective, Comic Book Guy will be stewing about his predicament. Probably, he's got a few choice words toward God. And a few more toward Maude Flanders. Plus, a few more to the genius who adhered the TV remote control to the night stand. Plus, a few more to the people next door who have the TV too loud while watching Teletubbies. This guy won't even have forced his way out of the chair before he's wrathing up a storm.

BRENDAN: Having spent two years in law school, I have become intimately familiar with all of the deadly sins, and clearly the most powerful of them is good old-fashioned greed.

All of humanity's greatest achievements have been caused by greed. Vast oceans have been crossed, massive empires formed, terrible wars fought, tedious jobs endured, all for greed. The most diabolical innovation of the last millennium, the soulless horror that is advertising, was developed just to fuel the already awesome power of greed. Capitalism, the greatest force in the world today, works precisely because human beings are and always will be driven by greed. And besides, greed has the homefield advantage here. It's fighting on blessed ground, its own holy city: Las Vegas.

Greed is powerful, greed is good, greed is going to win. Any who believes otherwise must be living in Massachusetts, because they clearly aren't living in the real world.

DAVE: Lust in a landslide. Remember, CBG is a self-professed lifelong virgin!!!! The only woman he's even come close to bedding is... gulp... Agnes Skinner. As soon as he steps outside, some hot young prostitute will approach him, and there's no way he'll be able to refuse. What's more, even though it will cause his downfall, he'll probably still brag about it to Bleedin' Gums and Marvin Monroe down in hell.

And if a prostitute doesn't get him, Vegas is filled with peepshows, sex shops and nubile showgirls. Hell, even if he stays in his hotel room, he'll head right for the porno channel. Lust is simply inescapable.

Only Lust is worth going to hell for. Remember what it felt like to see your first naked lady? Or the first time you actually scored? How is a 99 cent buffet or comics expo going to compete with that? "Best... poontang... ever."

JOE: I have a pretty big place in my heart for gluttony. I mean really big. My fingers have grown too fat for the keyboard. I'm typing this using the uneaten end of a Twizzler. I even have my own internationally recognized unit of measure: 1 Joe = 5.642 pounds of gummi bears per hour.

Comic book guy is the only person other than myself ever spotted carrying a wheelbarrow full of tacos. We live the same way, we'll surely die the same way: Massive coronary at an all-nite Las Vegas buffet.

I know you were hoping for a well-planned commentary, but what do you expect from someone who has, on repeated occasions, been caught talking dirty to Twinkies. ("Oh, you big, long, cream-filled testament to godliness, I WANT YOU!! I WANT YOU INSIDE ME!!!")

So pardon me while I go and continue my passionate relationship with Little Debbie.

JOHN: Zzzzz... Huh? What? Oh, yeah.

Ah, Sloth: the "gateway" sin. Why, when faced with a plush bed in Vegas, bother to get active to experience all other sins when they can be brought to you? With a TV, internet port, and phone, you can order room service, pay-per-view porn, and a wide variety of interactive channels to feed the other, lesser sins ("Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" for envy, Internet gambling for greed, and endless repeats of "Mad About You" to fill vast reservoirs of wrath). In Vegas, every other sin can be brought to you without your having to put out the smallest iota of effort. What's the point of leaving your room? Not when Comic Book Guy could be lying in bed, dreaming of Agnes Skinner...

Ergh. What a disturbing visual. I think I'm going to have to lie down. Ah, the sweet release of sleep... Zzzz....

HOTBRANCH!: As certainly as the sun rises in the east, Envy will doom our hero to wearing the circles of hell as a medium-sized "ultimate belt". No matter which sin might tempt our corpulent comic collector, someone in Sin City will have something bigger, better, sluttier, and more tempting. It's not even a fair fight.

Envy is a part of human nature because we all want to be better than we are. No matter how good life is, there's always someone who has it better. Thus, we aspire to be better; but that's just envy, nothing more. Considering what a sad loser CBG is, and that his only known sexual experience is with mother Skinner, the sight of rich, ugly losers with beautiful women (AKA: Billy Joel Syndrome) will instantly trigger envy, thus dooming him to reading Richie Rich and Little Lulu comics for eternity.

PAUL: Pride and its siblings Vanity and Arrogance are traditionally the most serious of sins. In its Greek form Hubris™, Pride caused Pegasus to buck off Bellerophon at 8,000 feet, Arachne to turn into a spider and Minos' wife to dress like a cow and get humped by a bull (if that turns you on, just vote for Lust already). Even Odysseus' misery (plus hot sex with supernatural babes -- see above) came about because he had to gloat. Since Greek heroes are similar to superheroes and the best superheroes have dark sides, CBG may voluntarily invoke Pride as geeky suicidal hero worship.

More, Pride is the hardest sin to understand. So if CBG decides to live, he will carefully avoid the six obvious ones. Just when he believes he's escaped his fate, he'll slip. "Behold, I have beaten God!" will be followed by "Where did those hungry felines come from?" Ouch!

SHANE: Sorry, gentlemen, but there's no picking one sin. Vice begets vice. Imagine you are experiencing lust. (Okay, enough imagining.) The object of your lust is probably inaccessible; spoken for; er, occupied. Enviously, you connive to obtain what you seek. Popular culture shows most people are attracted to wealth, so you indulge your greed in hopes of becoming irresistible. Success at this will infuse you with soaring pride -- but you'll still be rejected because you aren't handsome or famous enough. This will bring wrath, but that burns out quickly, leaving you in despair and sloth. The only thing that will interest you is eating; gluttony ensues. Said nourishment reactivates your lust (few starving people frequent strip clubs), but now you're fatter and even less likely to attract your mate. Ad infinitum.

How does the first sin get into this loop? Obviously, it can't. Therefore, virtue must prevail. QED.

The Results

Lust

Lust (905 - 25.0%)

out-tempts

Wrath

Wrath (568 - 15.7%)

Virtue

Virtue (549 - 15.2%)

Gluttony

Gluttony (469 - 12.9%)

Greed

Greed (416 - 11.5%)

Sloth

Sloth (319 - 8.8%)

Pride

Pride (259 - 7.1%)

Envy

Envy (137 - 3.8%)


To the guy in London, Ontario, that went to great lengths to try to
stack the vote in favor of Lust: please seek psychological counseling.

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Voter Comments

Gold Grudgie RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

As the clock ticks past midnight and the week comes to an end, the Comic Book Guy's sobs of frustration turn to sobs of joy. He's made it! He's avoided the seven deadly sins, overcome the weakness of the flesh and fully earned his second chance! He's going to Heaven! Maude appears, smiling benevolently. You've done very well. Unfortunately for you, there are no second chances! As her angelic form twists and warps, growing horns, a pointed tail, a goatee and cloven hooves, her skin turning a bright red, she laughs in a voice that slowly transforms from a heavenly high-pitched female titter to the full-throated guffaws of Old Scratch himself, Beelzebub, the Prince of Lies, the King of Hell, Satan!!! This is the final twist you fool, the final irony! You've been in Hell all along! The Comic Book Guy's face twists in horror at the shocking revelation, but the shock quickly gives way to disdain and his cynical nature bursts through. Didn't I see this in an episode of The Twilight Zone once? Worst... twist ending... ever. Having muttered this final riposte, he finds himself becoming drowsy, drifting off to sleep, his memories of the events of the last week erased, his mind drifting off into the pleasant release of happy dreams. However, instead of a naked Captain Janeway serving him buffalo wings, his dreams take an odd turn...

"Howdy there! My name is Maude Flanders.

- Don "King" Milliken

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

What is wrath but a fancy biblical name for rage. And what is rage but RAGE(tm). And I have yet to see a match where RAGE(tm) fails to bring its user victory. When RAGE(tm) is the competitor, and not merely an instrument of destruction, it will surely win.

- jeebus

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Are you kidding? Lust baby! All you need to know is this: -I've never paid $3.99 a minute to talk to hot gluttonous girls. -I've never received an e-mail that says: Free website filled with Young, slothful babes! -Virtue? Puh-lease! The catholic channel is free. Playboy is $8 for a block. -I've never lied to impress a girl in a bar while filled with envy. -Watching a stripper has never filled me with so much wrath I needed a lap dance from her. -I've never picked up a hooker when filled with greed. And finally, --When I'm filled with pride, I don't go off to flog the hog. Hmm...I think I've revealed a bit too much about myself here.

- Budo

Sloth wins without at doubt, because it seems in today's world that those who do nothing but sit on their butts reap all the rewards and things go their way. Plus those things have wicked claws and can scale a tree pretty well.

- Shaun The Other White Meat


Gluttony will get the better of him. How? Well, coincidentally, Captain McAllister has finally branched out of town and is opening another Fryin' Dutchman restaurant in Nevada. When Comic Book Guy accidentally wanders into the grand opening, and immediately the captain grumbles, Arr! I think I may have found me next Bottomless Pete! He immediately offers the broken man a job as his latest tourist attraction. Having been knocked into senselessness, the collector immediately accepts and starts gorging food. The sea captain is impressed at how people gather to watch the poor sap. Har, harr harrr! Me boy, this is the beginnin' of a beautiful friendship! Poof. Hey! Where'd he go? Yar! Oh well, I'd best bring back the pornographic magazines to the display case. The old man wanders into his office to find the latest issues of Lonely Nights at Sea.

- Charge Man - Bright light city's gonna set my soul, it's gonna set my soul on fire.


Oh my. This is the best Grudge Match in quite some time. They all seem like winners at first glance (except for virtue), but the numbers winnow down quickly. CBG is a master of sarcasm, yes, but invariably directed at people much younger or older than him -- I don't think CBG has the gonads for genuine wrath. Nobody ever gets rich selling comic books to children, so greed can't be what drives him. Envy might be lurking around in the pit of his soul, but I doubt CBG is even aware of it. So it's a photo-finish between lust, gluttony, sloth, and pride. CBG can probably resist lust for 12 hours, gluttony for 3 hours, and sloth for 10 minutes. But I don't think he can speak more than twenty words before trying to belittle other people. Pride, as soon as he interacts with another human being.

- Lou the Inscrutable


um..... didn't they already make a movie about this?

- Bob "LD" Smiley


As Comic Book Guy sits and sweats, pondering his woeful dilemma, "Oh, carnal urges and loneliness are a dangerous combination," Ned the Devil Flanders appears. Flanking Ned are four busty wenches in Xena costumes hoisting mugs of frosty Skittlebrau and platters of Good Morning Burgers. Seven miniature Ralph Wiggum apparitions appear and hover behind El Diddley Diablo. "Choose your fate, fool!"

Comic Book Guy springs out of the chair towards the scantly clad wenches. Sloth Wiggum todders off to find someone to cook his TV dinner for him.

Immediately, the busty lasses lower their plates and plate mail and begin to undress the jiggly ball of delight. Lust Wiggum seems ready to claim his delicious cookie of victory when Comic Book Guy catches the sight of himself in the mirror above the bed, cast in all his fat naked shame. Pride Wiggum mumbles something about his cat's breath smelling like cat food and shudders away. He notices that his titties are actually larger than those of the formerly busty wenches (That semi boob that all Matt Groening's women have) and Envy Wiggum declares, "Hello Supernintendo Chalmers." before bursting into a cloud of smoke. Lust Wiggum falls to the ground bemoaning, "Someone bent my wookie." and POOF he's gone.

Realizing no woman would ever love a fat bastard simply because he has no money, Greed Wiggum bids a fond, "Would you open my milk, mommy?" and wisps away. Left to his own devices, Comic Book Guy leaps towards the Good Morning Burgers. But to his dismay, all of them are slathered with horrid horrid mayonnaise. Gluttony Wiggum whispers, "These berries taste like burning." and clutches his stomach as he disappears. Hoisting a mayonnaise stained burger he hurls it at Devil Flanders raging, "Mayonnaise? Do not force me to quote Bruce Willis from the odious The Whole Nine Yards!" With that wanton act, Comic Book Guy sits weeping in hell watching The Lifetime Channel and TNN. We got POP!

- VooDooPork (The Other White Meat)


I'm going to have to go with a quote from my hero on this one. A-hem. "Evil never wins." -Buzz Lightyear

- Jessie "I'm pathetic, but it's fun" Calliopa


Well.. I'm gonna go with Pride on this one. His knowledge of Trivia will lead to his challenging the head nerd at the Trekkie Convention to a game of "Spot the Technical Error" on a fast-forwarded tape of the lost episode of Star Trek: Deep Space 9.

- Gix


Since I couldn't decide on what CBG would succumb to first, I decided to put the basic target audience of every sin (plus virtue) in a huge war to determine this. Virtue goes down first. Virtue's target audience is religious freaks. Have fun in Heaven's emergency room, weaklings! Gluttony fallows suit. All they have is fat guys. Lots of fat guys. They dominate early on, until a simultaneous chain reaction of heart attacks decimates the ranks. Pride is the next to go. It's army consists of assholes, and anyway, as they say... Pride comes before a fall. Lust. Lust, lust, lust. Perverted losers frequent this sin, and while a lot of them are probably in good shape, they won't last. Mainly because of the army of the next sin, which is... The lovely valley-girl seductresses of ENVY. Like, y'know, they totally kick ass or some junk! Then they realize that their sin is a joke and worthless, so they defect to another army, which defeats... Wrath. Angry, angry people. Very impressive. Sadly enough, they spend too much time brooding and not enough time KICKING ASS! So greed wins. After assimilating envy, their forces include... fanboys, valley girls, politicians, lawyers, etc... And, remember the avatar of greed: Daffy Duck. He DEMOLISHED the Tazmanian Devil in the name of greed. This little black duck's leading his troops to victory.

- Gosunkugi


There is only one way to settle this. Avatars!(tm) That's right, conveniently convoluted characters, crafted to portray a specific abstract concept. Would Hypoglycemia and Exuberance vs. Poise and Sarcasm be an interesting match? No! But with avatars Tigger and Hobbes, it becomes positively engrossing. Would Militarism and Totalitarianism vs. Disdain and Economic Self-determination be called "the best Grudge Match of all time?" But is The Death Star vs. John McClane a good match? Hell, yes!

So, all we need to do is to find a fitting avatar for each abstract concept represented here. Oh look, I've got a handy guide right here in this picture! All I need to do is figure out...

Uh, guys?

Okay, you assigned each of the seven deadly sins to one of the Looney Tunes!(tm)

Virtue wins it. The only thing less sinful than a Looney Toon is vanilla-flavored oatmeal.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism


It was actually reported this past week on msnbc.com that the word "news" actually topped "sex" on all major search engines since the World Trade Center attacks. Clearly, humping has taken a back seat to the Rage(TM). And as long as Osama bin Laden remains alive, WRATH is king. And even if we nuke him, WRATH will still be king, because half the world will declare jihad on the U.S. and her allies. And for every terrorist you bump off, 10 more materialize in his place. You're better off being assimilated by the Borg. The Apocalypse has arrived, boys and girls. And when your number is up, no bank acct, showgirl, super-sized Chicken McNuggets(tm), or any other vice or virtue is gonna save you. This is Grudge Match -- home of the Rage(TM).

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie


Let's see...CBG once walked out of a taco place with 100 tacos, which he got for 100 dollars. That's gluttony if I ever saw it. In a town full of 99 cent "all you can eat" buffets, the proud owner of the Android's Dungeon will soon be eating with all the great gluttons in hell...Henry VIII, John Belushi, Chris Farley, etc.

- Scotty J. (Brando's on his way there too)


In this scenario, Comic Book Guy is left with two options: do something or do nothing. If he sits in his room and does nothing, he's committing the sin of Sloth and thus he loses. Comic Book Guy will realize that doing nothing will result in a loss by default. His only chance is to venture out of his room and to attempt to resist temptation. However, by leaving his room he is doomed to commit one of the other sins, as was established by the astute as always commentary, thus Virtue is eliminated as an option. The question here is which of the remaining six Deadly Sins will he commit first? Well, if you believe the popular theory that men think of, you know, every 10 seconds, I think we have a clear winner. Lust in 10 seconds.

- Josh


Greed, greed, greed. No question. Being a low-level comic book nut (i.e., I read 'em but I don't trade 'em), I personally know the overwhelming power of a small, thin, two-and-a-half dollar magazine filled with easily digestible images, simplistic moral tales, and huge-knockered women. And I can be compared to CBG like a firecracker to a nuclear warhead; if I'm a little disturbed, he's all-out psychotic! The lure of a comic-book convention, where all the titles he dreams about at night might finally become his, will override all other desires and considerations. The afterlife be damned -- he shall have his vintage Radioactive Man, and none shall stay his mighty hand!

- Cardinal One


When I voted (gluttony), Lust had exactly 69 votes. You guys...

- El Zwits (never reads comics, still doesn't get laid)


As a first-time commentor but a long time fan, I should try to make this entry count for something. As far as I can see, there is no way that CBG can withstand against ALL of the pleasant, inviting, warm... *shakes head* where was I? Oh yes. He could never withstand against all of the sins. Never. I think this match is going to have to go to Envy... We read even in the scenario, he was unhappy about this predicament. This 'worst moral dilemma ever' is going to take its toll on CBG. He is going to be able to withstand most of the sins for a short while, but the first will be Envy. Put it this way: CBG will be holding on to the wall, with his fleshy back tightly squeezed up. He thinks about the fact that he is in Vegas and everyone can enjoy themselves EXCEPT for him. ENVY. Case closed. He can't even get to the remote, to the food, to the porn, or even to the bathroom (as we learned from Rev. Lovejoy, you can go to the lake of fire for making an excremental mark.) before it's all over. His last words? "Oh, I've wasted my life. Again."

- daneth the oshawa resident


Gotta be sloth on this one. Think about all the movies scripts you were going to write, all the book you were going to read, the friends you would have hung out with last weekend. And what did you do with your weekend? That's right, you ate 7/8 of a bag of Doritoes because someone else had opened it and them watched "Alligator II" on the SciFi channel.

- Wubbie (let me be the 48th to quote Goonies: "Heyyyyy Yuuuu Guyyyz!"


I'd write you a long essay why Sloth would win, but really - is it necessary? Sloth probably won't get the necessary votes anyways because that would take too much effort from those who would agree. Nope, there's only one thing that is safe to say about Sloth - there is no Sloth jihad (there is no Sloth jihad) I don't even know why I bothered to write this. Must be time for my nap.

- Hurricane (er... Drizzle) Andrew


Well, I dunno about the comic book guy but I tell ya what - Grudge Match best not ever send it's commentators to Las Vegas. We'd never hear from any of 'em again!

- ~DaMuse

Paul is in fact the newest opening act for Tom Jones -Eds.


Let me show you what the real Seven Deadly Sins are like:

Stupidity: Obviously, Comic Book Guy, with his Mensa brain, can forget about this one.

Ugliness: Tough call...but if you look at him from the chin up, I think Comic Book Guy can pass as some sort of a crappy boy-band member.

Boringness: Every time Comic Book Guy says something on the show, it's usually proceeded or proceeding a laugh. Certainly not as stale as, say, Professor Frink.

Penny-pinching: It would be ludicrous to say that spending $100 on tacos is in any way tight with a buck. Comic Book Guy escapes this sin.

Republicanism: Probably doesn't vote, or maybe he's Libertarian, like my dad.

Annoyance: Here's where Comic Book Guy may lose. Is he annoying, or merely annoyed? I think it's Too Close to Call (tm).

Not being an A-Team Fan: I really can't prove anything here, but considering the fact that no one I've ever enjoyed seeing is not an A- Team fan, I'll give Comic Book Guy the benefit of the doubt.

Well, there you have it. CBG makes it to heaven.

- Grudge-Pops(tm) : Now in new blood, bone marrow, and grey matter flavors!


The Comic Book Guy lacks the advanced theological training necessary to recognize all seven sins in all their multiplicity of forms. And he has no idea just how unfair the God of Moses and Abraham, the Father of our Savior, can be to people who have never had the rules explained to them. He will probably assume that gluttony can be avoided if he goes light on the room service. Not so. He probably imagines that lust can be dodged if he stays away from the showgirls, hookers, and porn channels. Think again. He thinks avoiding the gaming tables and the trading booths at the comix con might protect him from avarice. Sorry, dude. Like envy, these can all be committed without any external action being required. Just being a normal human being whose self-esteem hasn't been crushed into total submission makes you guilty of about four sins right from the start. (This is why the doctrine of Original Sin holds true.) Trying to avoid things like envy or wrath will be an utterly baffling problem to him, since he has never tried it before and has little idea how to even recognize when he's stepping over the brink, let alone any idea how to live differently from how he always has. His only hope is to send for a bunch of books and videos on Zen meditation, or maybe yoga, and do his damndest to become a seasoned practitioner of a profound spiritual path in record time. But that won't occur to him, especially since the Christian rhetoric of Mrs. Flanders will act as a red herring, steering him away from eastern spirituality. But the sin that will get the credit for his downfall is undoubtedly pride. No matter what he does or doesn't do, no matter what sins he manages to avoid or falls right into, everything he does will be done arrogantly. Humility is probably the most incomprehensible of all the virtues to him; Mrs. Flanders could coach him on it through the whole week and he still wouldn't get it.

- the much-censored pk (obviously my views are so revolutionary that the WWWF staff finds them threatening to the status quo)

Or, there's the possibility that a long-winded theological treatise just doesn't fill out the humor quotient - Eds.


We descend upon the Comic Book Guy, sitting in a corner of his hotel room, gently rocking himself back and forth, a pale complexion twisting his face and a blank stare taking in the plush carpet of the room. As he has not eaten anything all day, and has had no passers- by to ridicule, his psyche is on the verge of collapse. He has been mumbling to himself for almost two hours. It is now approaching ten pm. The Vegas nightlife fills the room with smells of fresh greasy food, the cling of slot machines, and the click-click of high heels as hookers plead the male passers-by to be serviced. "RAGE(tm) good, uhngh-must release RAGE(tm)-feel better-uhngh-stomach need food-aargh-no eat-buffet downstairs-NO EAT!-frustration building- unngh-*&%@#% Flanders #%(#!!-anger growing-must release RAGE(tm)-feel better-I'll show that Flanders #@#%!#" Suddenly, the Comic Book guy realizes wrathful implications of unbridled release of THE RAGE(tm), his face twists into contorted agony as the built up pain, anger and frustration of the day finally roll out of the Comic Book Guy as he lets loose a scream of pain and misery. With a scream of, "I'LL GET YOU FLANDERS!" the already tiring Comic Book Guy heaves his huge mass through the window in a feat of athletic prowess that can only be explained by adrenaline rush, and plunges twenty stories to his inevitable trip to Hell. You see, it doesn't matter what sin wins. When use of THE RAGE(tm) in a Grudge Match(tm) can actually bring about defeat for the contestant, the contestant's cause is already hopeless.

- that guy, who did that one thing, at that party somewhere


At first, I voted for Gluttony, what with CBG's big belly and his love of tacos and Breakfast Burritos and such. Then I felt bad condemning my favorite "Simpsons" character to Hell, so I changed my vote to Virtue. Consider- CBG is surrounded by comic books for most of the week. Hence, he has several role models on which to rely. Would Radioactive Man submit to the sins of Vegas? I say nay! RM would continue to fight the good fight. Likewise, so will CBG, thus earning himself an eternity of living on the Enterprise and having Uhura, Agent 99, and Catwoman as his girlfriends.

- JPM


C'mon, lust will win easily. Anyone who has had Internet access for the past month knows that lust is the most powerful of human emotions. When was the last time you heard of a web site with pictures of rich people so you could envy them?

- Randall


An epic battle between the absolute moral forces of the universe, and at its center...the Comic Book guy.

All signs of our impending doom as a species aside, with this many contenders it becomes necessary to break the conflict down into smaller bite-size pieces. Preferably covered with frosting. And sprinkles.

LUST: While this one will be a popular favorite for most, in-depth analysis concludes that as a species, comic book guys don't have much more of a problem getting laid that anyone else. They just tend to get paired with creepy girls in either homemade aluminum Dungeons&Dragons outfits, latex Pikachu garb, or Sailor Moon miniskirts. Lust isn't going to be contender; CMG obviously prefers spending his savings on a tanker of clam chowder than a cheap whore with the mutant bone structure of Captain Janeway.

WRATH:He's mostly dead and in Vegas. What's there to be wrathful about?

PRIDE: A toughie. CMG died living out the American dream, to violate every law laid down by the Almighty Big Potato. If there's a better way to go, I've yet to think of it. But he's still on trial here, and with his 190 IQ he knows he'd better lay low until he hears that celestial choir singing the heavenly blues.

ENVY: God himself is giving the CMG a break, even if it is through a technical loophole. In fact, the Comic Book Guy's soul is a foil-pressed, mint first run edition, and God would be mighty put out if Senor Satan got his claws on such a fine piece of Collecting memorabilia. So when the high power itself wants you in heaven despite your lifetime of disregard for His laws, it's hard to feel envious of all those souls with water damage and wrinkled covers.

SLOTH: Comic Book Guy shows remarkable amounts of energy on certain occasions, such as pushing aforementioned wheelbarrow of tacos, chasing (and capturing!) the mighty Lucy Lawless, running after the ice cream truck, and pulling the handle on the Mr. Squishee machine. The CMG is by no stretch a slacker.

GREED: The CMG's greed is too focused to pose a problem for him. He longs only for the Limited, Signed First Issue of Xena: Exposed, and then only for it's aesthetic value. Having realized that he is in danger of shuffling his mortal coil, it is doubtful that this holy grail of Collecting will even cross his mind.

VIRTUE: If virtue wins, all he gets back is the Android's Dungeon and several more years of fourth-tier bit parts. And as we all know, there is a never-ending supply of doughnuts in Hell. If Homer could irritate them, the magnificent chorfing of the CMG will make those glutton demons weep. Maude Flanders blows it, but later gets a chance to redeem George Bailey in the Fox remake of "It's A Wonderful Life". She blows that too.

GLUTTONY: And here is where CMG will fall. His body is the driveway to the Temple Of Stomach. He's forsaken all else for a lifetime of binging and a deeply rewarding relationship with Mr. Entemann. One whiff of that greasy buffet downstairs and he'll leave a comical Comic Book Guy shaped hole in the wall of his room. Goodbye cruel world, hello burning infernal pit of spicy jalapeno dip.

Gluttony takes the cake, as it were.

- Towelmeister


Virtue, easily. In all of the above analysis, NO ONE has taken into account the CBGs primary desire/motivation: comic books. Sure in Vegas, you've got porn, food, slot machines, etc., but does the "big city" have any comic shops? Where's the opportunity to engage in conversations ranging from such topics as the status of the post/pre-Crises DCU, to how bad last night's Voyager episode was? Being deprived of the one thing he loves more than life itself, the CBG will experience a shock great enough to put him in a coma for the week long period, thus ensuring his survival. ("What?!... No...No comics?! AAAaagghh!") Of course, no one will notice yet another drooling fat man in this massive red light district.

- Shadowknight


This is a no-brainer. CBG is an Internet user. This contest is being held on the Internet. The Internet is, as we all know, little more than a global pornography distribution network. Lust wins in the time it takes to double-click with one hand

- dok


At last, my contest. As a comic book geek, I am uniquely qualified to comment. Pride: Oh please! If we had pride, we wouldn't be comic geeks. Pride is completely alien to us, so there won't be any temptations there. Wrath: We're geeks! Even if we did get mad, we'd just get the hell beat out of us. We'd control the wrath for fear of getting hurt. Greed: We're comic geeks! We spend all our money on comic books, and we sure as hell don't know anything about gambling. We won't be tempted by the gambling. Envy: We're geeks! We envy everyone with a real life all the time. We're used to envy. We can resist that temptation. Familiarity breeds contempt on this one. Gluttony: We're geeks! We're used to surviving on Cheetos and comic convention food. If you've ever eaten at a comic convention, you should know that hospital food is haute cuisine in comparison. We wouldn't know fine dining if it kicked us in the junk. Sloth: We're geeks! As strangers in a strange land (the real world), there will be too much to keep us interested to worry about sloth. Virtue: We're geeks! We're already damned. There won't be any way that we'll pass up this opportunity to indulge ourselves. Lust: We're geeks! All we dream about is women with big breasts. Why do you think the comics that sell feature women wearing band-aids and dental floss? Throw us in Vegas with the opportunity to see actual flesh, and we're completely sunk. Lust in a landslide. Trust me on this one. Have I ever steered you wrong?

- Eihort


I think this is one of the more interesting matches that has taken place! Of all the choices...... I'm going to have to say LUST. Well when you think of the Comic Book Guy, you think of the guy who is around in his 30's, never had a piece of ass in his life, and sits at home dreaming of banging up Janeway from Voyager. Oh but we cant forget his first piece of ass, Agnes Skinner!!! You know he is sitting in his hotel room still thinking about banging that 80 year old broad. You know how the saying goes. You always go back to your first bang. So i see him calling up Agnes, paying for her to fly down to Vegas, buying a bottle of champagne and economy size pack of 200 condoms ( Do they even make those?), and hitting that ole bag up all night long. Then later on he'll be sitting in hell being forced to eat infinite tacos for all of eternity. Serves him right... isn't there a law against banging old women?

- Immaculate PIMP


To quote Satan Himself(TM) in Devil's Advocate, "Vanity is definitely my favourite sin. It's so basic; self love." Fact: CBG has no one to love but himself. Fact: That's gross to think about, but Pride wins anyway.

- J.R. the Very, Very Proud


This was a very tough one for me to call at first, and I would love to see Virtue conquer all. But I'm no sap: now that I see Lust is currently leading the other vices by a large (portly, in this instance) margin, that's where I must cast my vote. And it makes sense, considering who we're dealing with a nerd.

As a nerd, Comic Book Guy has at the forefront of his mind certain soon-to-be-released, much anticipated movies catering to Nerd Culture. (Hint: they involve elves, rings, clones and decrepit old emperors, respectively.) Being dropped in an unfamiliar and challenging situation, his next thought will most likely be, "What Would Frodo Do?" or "What Would Boba Fett Do?", after which point his next thought would be, "Mmm, Liv Tyler," or, "Mmm, Natalie Portman." Before the drool has a chance to drop from his tongue to the floor, he finds a pitchfork in his ample arse as he's tossed into a bonfire fueled by pristine copies of Radioactive Man #1 and mint-on-card Battlestar Galactica action figures. Now THAT'S hell!

- That's Mister Monkeydog to you plebians.


Yes This is a tough one, oh yes indeedy... And since we're dealing with abstract concepts, I'll have to use the Simpsons Personification (TM) of each contestant...

Let's start with Wrath. The Angriest character in all of Simpsondom is Groundskeeper Willie. Willie has a win, chalked up against a historical figure played by movie star Mel Gibson. It was in a pure-brawl, appropriately enough. That's 1 point for Wrath, on account of a previous victory.

Greed -- none other than C. Montgomery Burns himself. He also holds a Grudge-match win, against an eccentric third-party candidate with a Napolean complex and too much money, but it was an impressive win that ensured him employment for 4 years, scads of power, and a big fat pension (which, being that he didn't need any more money or power, but wanted it, gets him a bonus). 2 points

Lust -- Edna Crabapple. According to Sideshow Bob, "You only get one chance with Edna Crabapple," unless, of course, you're her boss. In which case you get more attention than a mama's boy deserves. -1 points for Lust on account of Bad Taste.

Gluttony -- And Heeeeerre's Homer Simpson. He has mercilessly defeated Norm Peterson in that very category. And with the help of his wife and enabler Marge, he has kicked the living crap out of the Bundys AND the Bunkers (over a combination blender/backscratcher!). That's 1 1/2 for Gluttony, guys, both for previous victories. He also gets a bonus for being a title character. 2 1/2 points

Sloth -- Now, naturally, Homer would fit here too, but I can't double up. But who could be Lazier than Homer? Why, his son, Bart Simpson. Bart also has a win, over Calvin (highly impressive), and a part of a win over South Park. With a bonus for being a title character, that's 2 1/6 points for Sloth.

Envy -- This one goes to Frank Grimes, a minor character that showed up in one episode. He was a dedicated hard- worker who was jealous of Homer because Homer was more successful than he. Let me repeat that. He was jealous of Homer. Can you imagine going to hell for that? -2 points for being such a pathetic sin.

Pride -- This one goes to Lisa Simpson, because she's loaded with it. It's her one fault. She's intelligent, and she knows it. She's the only one in the family with any common sense, and she knows it. she's a great goalie, and she knows it. She's a saxophone prodigy, and she knows it...etc... Now, her only Grudge experience is that she was Goalie on the hockey team that beat South Park, but she's a title character and that's a point. 1 1/6 points for Pride. (Not even in the top three, that's gotta hurt).

Virtue -- We all know, this is Ned Flanders. He scored the Simpsons their only loss when they weren't up against themselves. But I'll be merciful and leave him with 0 points rather than a negative.

So that leaves me with Gluttony by 1/3 of a point! Wooohooo! But anyway, I'm voting for Greed because Monty offered me a fifty. He wants that second win, guys.

- Plain Vanilla Lisa (No, not THAT one...)


Virtue has this one in the bag. Not through the deus ex machina device (which in itself should lend virtue a hand), not through some heroic good deed which causes a third heart attack, thus causing the next week to be forgiven, and not even because I'm just voting without considering the competition (believe me, at first I was gonna say Sloth). Just consider this: Comic Book Guy was sent to a hotel room. A *HOTEL ROOM*! Eager in his attempt to shun practically all of the lifestyles that he has grown accustomed to, Comic Book Guy will inevitably search the hotel room for something, *ANYTHING* to keep his interest off of the transgressions just waiting outside of his door (or through his computer). In his desperation, he rips open the drawer on the bedside table, and pulls out a book, carefully placed by the Gideons. Using the natural skills of a Comic Book Geek to read, re-read, triple read, and quadruple read nearly anything involving super characters (God, all the prophets, Jesus, etc.), no matter how dull and boring (after some conventions, flipping through Numbers or Leviticus might just be interesting). Over the course of the next week, Comic Book Guy diligently reads from Genesis to Revelation 72 times, eats only chocolate mints and drinks only water, and decides that, since he's about to die anyway, he can prepare his own baptismal service in the humongous hot tub. One week after he wakes up in Las Vegas, he walks through the Pearly Gates, Hell freezes over, and the Forces Of Darkness throw in the Towel just a few weeks before Armageddon comes. Hey, if Comic Book Guy could do it, *anyone* can!

- Affy


There is no possible way Comic Book Guy could voluntarily go through the week without subscribing to a deadly sin. However, he still gets to see the 926th Episode Spectacular of The Simpsons, and here's why:

Having spent more time than usual without food, the CBG's most tempting possibility is the complimentary hotel buffet, which he eventually is drawn to. Sadly, the buffet has just run out of food.

CBG: Emptiest Stomach Ever.

In an attempt to make himself feel better, he immediately heads for the Mensa meeting, hoping to demonstrate his sharp mind and witty comments. Upon arriving, though, he finds the double threat of Stephen Hawking and Stephen King, two men who have both demonstrated their superiority over Comic Book Guy.

CBG: Biggest Humiliation Ever.

Directly next door to the Mensa building is where the comic book convention was, but it was cancelled on account of the riotous gang war between the Warsies and the Trekkies.

CBG: Worst Let-Down Ever.

The CBG's general hatred toward people in general is subsequently cancelled out by the fact that every Las Vegan is even nastier than he is. And, as in the case of Agnes Skinner *shudder*, CBG is actually subdued by anyone nastier than himself.

CBG: Meanest City Ever.

Showgirls? To a normal person, these would indeed pose a threat. But Comic Book Guy is no ordinary person. As far as I can tell, the only things that prove lustful to him are Agnes Skinner *shudder again* and pornographic pictures of Sci-Fi women. Since neither the old bag nor a hi-speed computer are around, CBG again escapes damnation.

CBG: Most Boring Night Ever.

This leaves Sloth, which he would undoubtedly fall victim to from all his running about, but by the time all of the above has taken place, the week has passed and he gets off scot free.

Comic Book Guy:Luckiest Escape Ever!

Winner: Virtue by default

- The Brainchild


Ha ha! Something which none of you BRAINIACS noticed is that in episode 5F23, titled "The Joy of Sect" (he he he), Mr. Guy was included in the Movementarian cult. Aaaaand worshiping false idols, such as THE LEADER, is strictly forbidden by God, according to Charleton Heston's "The Ten Commandments". THEREFORE, this scenario is impossible since he is already destined for hell. Way to go Einsteins, your lack of ANY knowledge astounds even I! Worst commentary EVER.

- Dan


Anyone who's glossed through Dante's Inferno knows that Hell is segregated by sin. There is no Co-educational Damnation. You go to the circle where you continue to enact the same sins, merely stripped of the pretenses and delusions you had when alive. This brings into question whether or not Comic Book Guy even wants to avoid such eternal reward for his folly, which, after his week of Virtue in Vegas, the answer to which may very well be Negativo.

This brings us to the the question of which sin would determine the Circle of Hell that Comic Book Guy would wind up in. After spending six days in his hotel room, not slothfully, mind you, but in deep transcendental meditation, Comic Book Guy decides that an Eternity of Fornication just happens to be right up his alley. He dons his Radioactive-Man(tm) Utility Belt (with its special compartment of single dollar bills, for those events that requiring lonely g-strings to be kept company), and decides to start with the Las Vegas strip clubs, working his way up.

After stepping out of the hotel elevator, Comic Book Guy can't help noticing little Ralphie Wiggum sitting in the lobby, with his feet strung up over his head after trying to tie his own shoes. He was beginning to turn blue from the loss of circulation. "Tying my shoes makes me sleepy!"

It's at this point that even Comic Book Guy realizes he would fight his way out of Paradise for any opportunity to impress his superiority. Let's face it, his pride is such that he really couldn't sex up Xena without defeating and bagging her.

- Mike Leung


As I write this, 534 people have voted for Lust.

To those 534 people: Thank you SO much for bringing me the mental image of a semi-nude Comic Book Guy cavorting with prostitutes and showgirls. Now that image is lurking in my mind, ready to come up at a moment's notice, perhaps even (gulp) while I'm eating. Thanks a whole hell of a lot.

If anyone wants me, I'll be vomiting in the shower.

- Vermin Boy (was totally hoping for a John Doe vs. Dr. Phibes match)


This match is about the very basics of human nature (or what the conception of human nature is to my young, naive, 15 year old mind). It is a fight against sin itself, a power, so linked closely with god and yet so far away, and that can not be determined by any other group of individuals but by the sole individual whom is tempted by these such sins. Why, look at the man - he himself has committed the sin of gluttony before even doing anything! Gluttony and lust are most certain to be his downfall, to an uneducated mind. But Alas! Is there more to this comic book freak than meets the eye? Is there a will, a willpower behind that yellowed cartoon forehead that has never before been seen by mankind? Perhaps - just perhaps - he may do the intelligent thing, and lock himself up in a small dark closet for a week and fill his eager mind with thoughts of a whole decade or so more filled with all of the sinning in the world? But probably not. As Shane most wisely said, "there is no picking just one sin". I can agree with Dave on the sin of lust, though not for his specific reasons . . . And I also can agree with Paul (though Vanity is NOT a sin, otherwise I'm sure I'd be meeting my eternal fate at the hands of the Prince of Darkness by now)about Pride, but I will stick stubbornly by my thought that this man will commit each and every sin - even if for only a week - and brag about in his afterlife - as Dave so nicely put. (PS: Is law school hard? Because I really want to be a lawyer.

- ~* Kara Darkblood*~

Young Kara...There are far too many lawyers in the world. You should have career aspirations that are more appropriate to a 15-year-old girl. Like "Fairy-Princess", for example - Eds.


Love is a virtue.

In fact, it is one of 7 Cardinal Virtues identified by St. Thomas Aquinas along with the Deadly Sins.

The Apostle John wrote that God is love. (1 John 4:8)

Therefore, this match is The Seven Deadly Sins vs. GOD. This makes the L.A. Lakers vs. a pickup team from Munchkinland look like an even match. Despite Comic Book Guy's numerous flaws Virtue will take an easy win; as usual, the forces of evil picked a fight way out of their weight c

- Mr. Silverback- Practicing the virtue of being a Packer-Backer.


The instant that CBG wakes up, he is in an armchair. To this guy, an uncomfortable computer chair is heaven, so imagine his happiness when he finds himself in a fluffy leather Vegas-style recliner. Sloth seems to be looking pretty cocky right about now. "Ah, the infamous barcalounger." He says while beginning to drift off into erotic dreamland. "Ah, gasp!" He says as he jumps back to life. "Evil sloth!" Quickly, he evacuates the room. In the lobby he sees a map, directing him to both the buffet and the casino. Foreseeing his fate at the buffet, CBG turns to the casino. Immediately, he is surrounded by clinking coins, cigar smoke and the sound of greenbacks flapping and crinkling. "I would thoroughly enjoy those monetary units" he mentions. Then the thought of greed crosses his mind. As he flees the casino, Abe Simpson hits the jackpot on a slot machine with his first try. "Oh, goody!" says Abe as another part of his body cracks. "Hmm, why does the old cretin get rich instead of and an intellectual like myself?" Realizing what he just said, CBG runs toward the exit. However, he can't take two steps out without being approached by two young hookers offering a "two for the price of one" special. As he runs away, he becomes enraged that he is forced to do so, but quickly puts that thought out of his mind. CBG looks at his favorite X-Files watch, and realizes that he has now spent an hour in Vegas. "Well, well. It appears that even after sixty minutes in sin city, not even the universese's creator can defeat me! I am the greatest! I am a prime example of willpower!" Then out of nowhere. he is hit by a lightning bolt.

- Marty


The Comic Book Guy looks out the window of his hotel room at the Vegas lights. So much sin. So much corruption. If he even steps outside, he'll succumb to something. He forces his eyes away from the casinos. Now what? he thinks. Then he hits on it: He just won't leave the hotel room. Shut himself off from the lust and greed and gluttony, and it can't touch him! The Comic Book Guy congratulates himself for his ingenuity, then quickly shuts up for fear of being sent to hell for pride. He insults himself for his stupidity out loud, and then, satisfied that everything is okay, he sits down to read a magazine. What leads is a week of pure agony as the Comic Book Guy spends his week as a shut-in, eating only three meals a day and not even masturbating (lust, after all, is a sin). But somehow, somehow, he makes it through the week without indulging any of his temptations. He watches the clock tick down the final seconds as he prepares to celebrate the end of his trial. The last second pops down, and *poof* he's sent to hell. "What did I do?" cries the Comic Book Guy out loud. "I made it the entire week without indulging in any of the pleasures of the flesh!" Satan appears before him. "You spent the entire week in a hotel room doing nothing, fool! It seems you forgot about one of the sins: sloth! Now prepare to meet your final destiny!" The blubbering Comic Book Guy is then sent to the Unending Mental Agony Division, where luscious food, beautiful women, and unimaginable riches are his for the taking if he can complete a single sit-up.

- Infraggable Krunk


I don't remember which choice I picked, but I feel that that fact is hardly relevant. You see, I am simply writing in as an expert in the lifestyle of Sin City, and I must say that, while all of the sins are available in Vegas, the one that truly rules is gluttony. And let's face it, Comic Book Guy (perhaps my all-time fav Simpsons (tm) character) does not appear the sort to say "No thanks" to the free buffet. I mean, in Vegas, you can basically get just about however much of whatever you desire if you play your cards right (no pun intended) at relatively little expense and with less effort. So, our compadre Comic Book Guy will saddle up to buffet line after buffet line, never truly indulging himself in the other sins.

- Adam B.


7 deadly sins? Let's see HOW deadly they'll be to the CBG! Sloth: I'd report on how easy it is to stay active and thus avoid sloth in a city, but I'm too tired. Deadly Meter Ranking: 0.1 of 10 Envy: Now, come on fellas. Envy's pathetic. Who actually envies anything nowadays? This sin is useless! Deadly Meter Ranking: 0.5 of 10 Pride: Once again, what does an obese, balding, COMIC BOOK FAN have to be proud of? He has next to nothing left. I guess his huge collection of Tick vs. Galactus or something...Deadly Meter Ranking: 1.2 of 10 Greed: Given the setting, this rises to a high level. But...not high enough. Money, comics, expensive stuff, that all means jack when you know you can die any second. Deadly Meter Ranking: 5.6 of 10 Gluttony: Umm...right. I don't care HOW obese he is, NO ONE will sell their soul over a chicken leg. Deadly Meter Ranking: 0.0 of 10 Wrath: This could be it. CBG is the world's most sarcastic, hateful human being. And he's in Vegas. Ever been in Vegas? It's a veritable wrath breeding ground! I'm not joking! Nobody likes anyone! Deadly Meter Ranking: 9.2 of 10 Lust: ...and then the kicker. They hand out porn-FREE-on the Vegas streets! And you don't know what the heck it is until you open it. I can see it now. "A booklet? Well, I-hello..." *SCREECH* *CAR WRECK* *DEAD CBG* Deadly Meter Ranking: 9.8 of 10 Lust has it. Until... Virtue (or here, logic): CBG logically deduces that, by jogging inside his hotel room, occasionally heading downstairs for the salad bar-AND ONLY THE SALAD BAR-he will avoid contact with the majority of the sins and only fight off the lesser Sloth and Gluttony. Long story short, he drops 50 pounds, his soul's ok, and all's right with the world.

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee


Since votes about sin tend to reflect the voter more than the subject, I predict Lust will win simply because of the fact that most of the people who are even sitting on a computer surfing for fantasy scenarios in which to make their voice heard and somehow feel they've made a difference in this world are on the extreme end of the "most need to get laid" scale and are probably subconsciously driven by the desire to see at least *one* fat geek get a shot at base reproductive instinct satiation.

- Cynical Bastard Extraordinaire.


Newton's 4th and most popular law goes something like this: A fat guy at rest will tend to stay at rest, until acted upon by the hotel staff. So we must eleminate every sin that involves getting up. Which actually narrows it down to Sloth, Greed, Envy, and Lust. Let's see... Sloth: Although promoted by Newton's infamous law, Sloth is pretty much out of the picture. I think that the chair that Comic Book Guy is sitting in has a few electrodes to force reluctant hotel guests down to the casino below. So I foresee CBG jumping out of the chair 5 seconds after he sits down. Greed: Unfortunately, this sin would require walking all the way down to the casino below. There are bound to be diversions on the way there that are more attractive to a Comic Book Guy. Envy: A prime contender, seeing as CBG would see the huge entertainment unit and feel an immediate desire to buy one for himself, pop in a Bartman video, and couch potato the day away. Lust: But Lust takes the cake. Showgirls, free porn, Cable TV, hotel rooms that you rent by the half-hour...Vegas has it all. Comic Book Guy is seduced, and the second he catches sight of the feather hat and bosom, Ned Flanders (It's always who you least expect, isn't it?) grabs him by his "Don't have a cow, man!" T-Shirt and pulls him down to hell, where he is forced to roll the Stone of Victory up a hill of new Spider-Man comics (yeah, they STILL suck).

- -The Mad Josher


Lust has the advantage here. ever since a few single cell organism banded together to form an organism complex enough to reproduce sexually, there has been lust. and with 4.3 billion years of experince, there is no way the other sins can compete.

- Mason


Enough of this calling Comic Book Guy a loser. This is one of the most highly-competent "Simpsons" characters. I can hear the skeptics muttering, "Yes, and Moe was the most cerebral of the Three Stooges," so let's look at his credentials. 1) Comic Book Guy has earned a Master's degree (in Folklore and Mythology). Graduate degrees require intelligence, dedication, and perseverance. 2) He has single-handedly owned, operated, and run an independent small business for at least ten years. Have you any idea how difficult this is? About 80% of start-ups go under in half that time. This is not to say that the Las Vegas challenge will be easy. CBG fairly oozes with Pride; as with the Riddler, his main goal in social interactions is to show off how smart he is. And, the fanboy's encounter with Lucy Lawless shows he can be distracted by Greed and Lust. Yet, our protagonist has strongly demonstrated competence and discipline in four separate arenas. If anyone can put forth the needed self-control when the stakes (or steaks) are high, Comic Book Guy has a good shot at coming through.

- Matt Bricker ("And now I must log onto WWWF and automatically vote for the 'Star Wars' contestant.")


I am a doctor/
Yes that is so/
And oddly enough/
My name is Dr. No.

If I could rap/
That'd be a sensation/
But I can't rap/
I'm just a caucasian.

Ummm wrath wins.

- Dr. No


Whoa-boy! Our boy CBG is pretty screwed here! Fighting a war on two fronts is hard enough, but 7?! HAHAH! Here's why CBG is doomed-

Wrath- Instantaneous reaction to Maude is- "Why the hell am I getting put through this?! You tell that mother-fu-" POOF! BOOM!
Greed- "But I want my soul! And that kid on the street's! I wonder if I can buy it off him for $5... And then I'll start a business of soul stealing and-" POOF! BOOM!
Lust- "Well, you know Maude, can I call you Maude? The whole halo thing looks pretty good on you and-" POOF! BOOM!
Gluttony- "Oh, God! What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Wow, did I finish this whole box of winger-dingers while I was pacing around-?" POOF! BOOM!
Envy- "Gee look at all those other people who aren't having their immortal soul tested..." POOF* (TM)! BOOM* (TM)!
Pride- "I won't sin because... I'm too good for sin! Because I don't need to sin... because I'm perfect.. because-" POOF (TM)! BOOM (TM)!
Sloth- "Fine then! I won't be tempted and I won't sin! I'll just lie right here and I'll wait out the entire week! Yeah! Just me and my vibrating bed and-" POOF (TM)! BOOM (TM)!
Virtue- "What the hell is virtue?" POOF (TM)! BOOM (TM)! Voiding the Grudge-Match rule that the Simpsons must win- "I lost? I LOST?!" POOF (TM)! BOOM (TM)!

*Maude appears and tells him that there is no way he can win, so God has made him an offer...*
"If you can answer this question, you'll be transported into heaven immediately... What was the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam in the garden 'As God made him'?" And he thought and thought... "Gee, that's a hard one..." POOF (TM)! BOOM (TM)!HALLELUJAH!

P.S. Even if CBG made it into heaven, he'd rather be in hell with a KFC bucket, a six pack, and Baywatch reruns from now through eternity... *Any use of a phrase in a response more than four times makes it TM-ed!

- Peter Tutham


This is clearly a fragment of a contempory re-working of Dante's masterpiece "The Divine Comedy". But which book are we in? It must either be I "Inferno" or II "Purgatory", the evidence points to II. For surely if we accept as we must the Dante-ComicBookGuy equation then it follows that his female interlocuter Maude Flanders must be a Beatrice figure, not a Virgil one.(This leaves open the prospect of a previously unsuspected CBG, Maude, Ned eternal triangle, but I digress.).

Secondly the action takes place in Las Vegas in a Matt Groening oeuvre. Anyone familiar with his early, and indeed some would say superior masterwork "Life in Hell" is aware, as far as he is concerned Hell is Los Angeles. Accordingly, given the Inferno/LA and Purgatory/Vegas metaphors it is clear we are entwined within yet another metaphor, the journey across the USA from West to East representing the souls passage towards god and self-knowledge. (It is impossible to recreate where Paradise is located in this scheme but the North-East coast would appear to be favourite.)

Given that we are in a metaphor of spiritual and religious enlightenment it is impossible for virtue not to prevail.

- Wilphe

THE FINAL WORD...

Well, I was going to vote for sloth, but I... (snore) ...

- The Phantom

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Death v. Taxes
Rock v. Paper v. Scissors
Other Simpsons-themed matches

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Next Match: Goodbye!
ETA: Monday, October 8th, 2001

© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC