November 1, 2004
On the eve of Election Day, George W. Bush is staying up late watching Three Stooges reruns. Tiptoeing past the snoozing secret service agents, Dubya slips into the kitchen in search of some of his now forbidden favorite snack: pretzels. Opening a corner pantry, he discovers a mysterious swirling vortex.
"Must be one of those secret passageways, like in the Clue game," Dubya says to himself. "Always did like that Miss Scarlet."
Bush steps in, expecting to stumble upon a role-playing murder mystery. Unfortunately, it's actually a rift in the space-time continuum, and Bush instead stumbles upon Valley Forge in 1776. The same rift has also captured George Washington and flung him back to the present day.
As Bush brushes himself off, a soldier runs in to give a report to their leader. "Who are you?" the soldier asks.
"I'm George W."
"Oh. Sorry to bother you, General." (With it being the days before television and dollar bills, the General wasn't as easily recognizable back then.) "But there's been a development in the revolution. King George III himself has entered the fray. He's been seen on the battlefield... in his pajamas... brandishing a cucumber."
"Well how about that. Sounds like a pretty crazy feller."
"What should we do, General?"
"Oh, right. Sounds like England is no longer our ally?" The soldier stares blankly back. "Well, fight back then! Launch a preemptive strike! Tony Blair please forgive me."
"Yes, sir!" replies the soldier.
"Hmmm... this is interesting," mutters Dubya to himself. "Reminds me of that movie The Final Countdown, except without the airplanes. Or Kirk Douglas. Reckon I better find me a history book to see how this thing turns out."
So, Brendan, will George III take back this rebelling colony? Or will George W. manage to outwit the insane king?
BRENDAN: Might as well start signing Hail to the Chief right now cause this one's going to Dubya.
Let's start by comparing their respective records as military leaders. In less than four years, Bush has created a mighty American Empire, conquering Iraq and Afghanistan. By contrast, King George lived at the heydey of Imperialism, a time where Howard Dean would have been ensconced in Bedlam, Al Gore would have been confined in the Tower of London, and John Edwards would be the love interest in some Jane Austen novel, and he lost half his empire. The man even lost a war to the French and was losing another one when he finally went so far around the bend that they had to impose a regent on him.
And why did George III repeatedly get so royally kicked in the butt? Because he made the biggest mistake an evil overlord could make: he used Germans to do his fighting for him. That's right, the original Stormtroopers themselves, the Germans. For those that think I am too hard on the Germans, I would argue that having a whole division of your troops captured because it was Christmas Day and they were all drunk certainly rivals losing to Ewoks in the annals of military ineptitude. From World War 2 to Die Hard, it has been shown over and over again that if your troops are German you are going to eventually lose. You'll notice that President Bush, through shrewd diplomacy, made sure the Germans wouldn't be on our side when he went after Iraq.
Not handicapped by inept cannon fodder and pleasantly surprised to find himself in a time where not only are the French pro-American but they are actually good guys to have at your back in a fight, Bush wins this one faster than a John Kerry flip-flop.
BRIAN: There's no doubt that King George III will win this one, although I'm afraid that I'm at an immediate loss for words. I firmly believe that you can't ever bet against crazy. However, given your comments regarding the allied French being a good thing makes me think that praising crazy might actually work against me.
Anyway, despite your questionable comments, you're clearly not as crazy as anybody from a royal family. In addition to the standard afflictions such as hemophilia and venereal diseases, poor George was one of the unlucky ones to also come down with porphyria, a metabolic imbalance that landed him in a straight jacket the last decade or so of his life. But we're 40 years short of that, so he's still in the "functional crazy" stage, and can cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war with the best of them. In the legendary words of Sergeant Roger Murtaugh, he's not just trying to draw a psycho pension, he really is crazy, and poor Dubya will be trampled underfoot because of it.
Sure, I'll concede that Just Plain Crazy (tm) wasn't good enough for the first go around in 1776, but that's only because of his distance from the conflict and the great leadership of General Washington. With those factors changed, we've got a whole different ballgame. While Dubya has at times shown leadership abilities, in the legendary words of Lloyd Benson, he is no George Washington. Plus, he's just going to be downright confused. By the time he really figures out where he is and what's going on (i.e. realizing that Muslims aren't involved), he'll be overrun by soldiers in bunny slippers.
After admitting defeat, he heads back to his ranch, only to find himself in the wilderness of Western Spain, and spends the rest of his life running from Mexican soldiers and "injuns". Meanwhile in modern day, John Kerry makes the mistake of trying to question the war history of his new opponent and becomes the first major presidential candidate to be shut out of the Electoral College.
BRENDAN: All right Devin what did you do with Brian? I know its you because only you would actually argue insanity as a virtue.
At any rate while George Bush may not be George Washington, they do have at least one thing in common. Both men have achieved greatness by having good advisors to help them out. And while Washington may be gone, his team is still in place for Bush to call on. Bush will feel right at home with fellow big spender Thomas Jefferson. Obnoxious and disliked John Adams might as well be Dick Cheney. Alexander Hamilton is a better Republican than Bush is. And as soon as Ben Franklin shows Bush how he can get outdoor barbecue with just a lightning rod and a few turkeys, Bush and Franklin will be best buds.
By contrast who does George III have to rely on? Lord North? Gentleman Johnny Burgoyne? Sir William Howe and his other brother Richard Howe? The guy that thought it was a good idea to have his troops wear bright red coats while trying to sneak around in the wilderness? Not exactly the varsity squad.
Bush wins the war in record time and then just to make sure that the Moslems are involved at least somewhat, goes on to crush the Barbary pirates. As for George III, his name will go down in history as an inept, insane, blunderer but everyone will still like him better than Kerry.
BRIAN: If Dubya's ability to build relationships with those around him is supposed to be the feather is his cap, then I've got no choice but to call it macaroni. He's great at building relationships with those he hand picks: Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, Fox News. But with the exception of Tony Blair, he's managed to piss off just about everybody else. That makes him about 1-for-217 at the United Nations. And now he's supposed to be bonding with the founding fathers? "You're either for us or against us" may sound a lot like "United we stand, divided we fall", but Dubya's one-sided twist to the theme won't fly with the likes of Ben Franklin. We would likely see a coup before long, and the ensuing chaos is exactly the kind of situation where a nutjob like King George III can take over.
Plus, even though the war has already started, Bush will be obsessed with finding a justification for the war. He'll become convinced that the British are using Weapons of Mass Destruction (tm), and will use all of his resources scouring the countryside -- not to mention sending his best spies to the hills of Scotland -- in search of England's hidden Gatling Gun program, nevermind the fact that those won't be invented for another 80 plus years. You just can't fight an effective war when you're distracted with such details.
As far as King George III, I've just got to reiterate the importance of the crazy factor. My grandpappy always said "Never take on a drunk in a fight"; well, taking on a loon on the battlefield is just as ill-advised. With the colonial forces now totally disorganized and inept, the redcoats waltz all over them. Literally. It was the hottest dance craze of the mid-eighteenth century, after all, and heaven knows George III had all of his soldiers learn it.
Now pardon me whilst I finish my tea and crumpets in time to rush to the Royal Bank to pay my Stamp Tax.
My fellow colonials,
We stand at the brink of armageddon. We are tread on by an imperialist country that is so backward, that a king remains in power, while women are forced to wear restrictive Victorian and Elizabethan garb in a submsissive act towards the female gender, preventing them from enjoying freedom(1).
These evil-doers are even believed to posess muskets of mass destruction. It is therefore without the slightest bit of regret that I have launched a full-scale nucular assault on London. I have achieved a worldwide coalition with France, our greatest ally, to crush the English axis of evil so they can no longer threaten the freedom(2) of the free(3) world.
We must strike down the evildoers(TM) now, because if we do not act decisively, the limeys will win, and freedom(5) will be lost. If we are victorious, then perhaps one day we can take on the role of an imperialist nation fighting an unpopular war against guerilla forces in a foreign underdeveloped country.
Now pardon me while I say freedom(6) about 8 more times to achieve my required quota per speech.
I'm George Bush and I approve this grudge-match.
.....after Dick Cheney checked it out first.
- Budo, the undecided pundit
Somewhere near Valley Forge, as George W. Bush addresses his
At the British camp nearby...
Meanwhile, at Valley Forge...
Meanwhile, in present day America, George Washington pushed through several bills and resolutions, eliminating much of America's imperialistic nature. Iraq and Afghanistan are in UN hands, a degree of understanding is reached with the Middle East, China, and North Korea, and overall, the U.S. has risen for vastly hated to widely loved. That is, until time warp effects throw that all to hell.
And, back at the American camp...
And so it was that George W. Bush lost the Revolutionary War in 3 hours and, thus, ruined all of history. The end.
- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee (We cannot let Brendan and rogue commentators hold this escapee hostile or hold his allies hostile.)
I wouldn't be surprised if Kerry's fanboys skew the vote George III's way... which is sad, when you really think about it. And if that is indeed the case, I won't be surprised when Kerry brings up this contest in the next political debate. "If we can't trust him to win a battle against the British iwonthreepurplehearts, how can we expect him iwonthreepurplehearts to lead us against terrorism iwonthreepurpleheartsiwonthreepurplehearts?"
Patrick Henry: Mr President, are you telling me that legislators of your time are seriously considering allowing marriage between people of the same gender? Let me send a messenger to James Madison right away, so he can include an amendment in the consitution that will stop this once and for all!Not many people remember Patrick Henry was hanged for harboring weapons of mass destruction
- Mike Leung
This one goes to Dubya - one misquote and the British'll laugh in a way they never will again until Monty Python comes to be.
- GreenNinja, Patron of the Daily Show
Damn, I really hate Bush, but do I really want to be a Tea and warm beer drinkin' Limey wannabe on the dole, watching a bit of Footty on the Telly, with my only source of income is because I will go the Full Monty??
Ahhh FQUCK IT!!!! I would rather drink warm beer than to put up with Bush for four more years. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must devote myself into becoming a Soccer Hooligan most promtly.
- Bigmrg74 - I'm Pissed drunk!!! I'm too Think to Drunk!!!
I gotta go with Dubayah. He's from Texas. Scary bunch there.
- Kryptonite - The power behind the thrones....
First of all, I think there's an excellent chance that Bush will surrender or run away as soon as he realises what's going on. But we'll be charitable and assume otherwise. What we need to bear in mind is that for the Americans to win they need a leader with the ability to get on well with allies and maintain support among a disparate coalition of colonies with differing and often contradictory interests, and the common sense to avoid battles which he can't win. The question we need to ask is 'Does Bush possess these qualities'? Can we imagine him successfully evacuating Long Island or cooperating effectively with the French at Yorktown or maintaining the morale of his army at Valley Forge? I think we know the answer.
Bush will throw away the support of the French by mispronouncing 'Lafayette' and making baffling but nevertheless offensive remarks about World War II and poor personal hygiene. He'll also manage to offend the Spanish. Baron von Steuben won't be able to join Bush's army, because his name will appear on a watch list. And Bush probably can't count on the support of anyone north of Virginia either ('Benjamin Franklin and John Adams are out of touch with ordinary Americans').
So George III will be faced with a situation in which France and Spain, assuming they don't actually join him, will at least be neutral, and half the rebellious colonies have surrendered to him as the lesser of two evils. While Bush is invading Canada or Mexico with those of his troops who haven't deserted, the king should be able to wrap things up in what will now fail to become the United States. After all, George III had periods of lucidity, whereas Bush is unlikely to have any periods of intelligence.
With the Patriot Act under effect, I figured it was best not to vote against America.
- Grudge-Pops: Join, or Die!
What? No third party Canadite? I demand that you allow Ralph Nadar onto the Ballot! What is this? North Carolina? Let my people go! We didn't land on Plymth Rock, Plymth rock landed on us! FREE MANDELA! Jesse Ventura would roll over in his grave if he saw what you guys have done to this site.
- LCpl I need a new job...
Premises and outcomes:
(1) I am a political science professor. I know way more about how this politics stuff works than anyone else who posts up here (not really, but I seem to have gotten away with it for fifteen years).
(2) I have a case full of GoldTM, SilverTM, and BronzeTM Medal Grudgies, plus a couple of final words, so I have learned a thing or two about how these matches work.
(3) The overarching rules of the Grudge-Match Multi-verse are derived from episodes of The Simpsons.
Playing the Simpsons' Card, we learn that Stupid (examples: Homer, Bart) beats Crazy (Examples: Sideshow Bob, Insane Ned Flanders) every time. Every time.
George W. (Stupid) therefore vanquishes George the III (Crazy) -- the details are unimportant -- then grabs ahold of his malfunctioning toaster and arrives in the basement of the White House just in time for the donuts to start raining.
- Dr. Stones
King George... on the battlefield... in his pajamas... waving a cucumber.
Sounds like an English Soccer Hooligan(tm) to me.
That being said, I'm still voting for Prez W. if for no other reason then to piss of the French-loving libs out there.
- Jack The Hack, the evil despot who fronts as a Funyun(tm) distributer.
As every elementary school kid educated in the United States knows, one of America's greatest victories in the Revolutionary War was the tossing of tea into a river.
As soon as Bush realizes just how hard it is to get a decent cup of coffee, I'd be willing to bet that he will lead America through several more such victories.
And besides... Between Bill and Ted and Dr. Who, I think it's been thoroughly demonstrated that intelligence doesn't need to be the deciding factor in a time traveler's inevitable victory.
Do you really expect me to vote for Dubya?
Sorry guys, but he's going down faster than DC in 1812.
- Jeff 'Hail to the King' Baker
You want to find out what happened back then? Let's just check the history books and see... AH! It seems we lost the Revolution, due to the fact the General had us invade what is now Iraq.
- The (No longer) Unpublished Soldier (Aka Sir Exal)
"I do say, chaps, tea does sound like a marvelous idea on such a beautiful French winter's eve, ay wot?" George III sips from his empty teacup as redcoat soldiers fall to the blood-stained grass below, feeling the wrath of the approaching American army. Suddenly (after hours of searching Philadelphia), George W. rushes up to the King, brandishing a large rock. The King lifts up a cucumber in defense, but it is quickly knocked away.
"Looks like yer in a pickle, Georgie!" Bush lifts up his weapon with intent to kill. "Heh. Pickle. That's funny."
"I say, wait there!" George III holds out his hands. "Perhaps we're not looking at things on the right page, General. I think I can give you exactly what you want. Perhaps we can even work together!" Bush lowers his rock suspiciously. "Really? What do you think about Saddam Hussein's imminent threat to your country?"
"Can't say I've heard of him, sir. But I'm sure he'll destroy us all with cannons of mass explosion. He'll have to be stopped."
"Really?" Dubya's eyes light up. "How do you feel about defending your country?" King George pounds his tea table. "The Empire must be protected at all costs, even if it means hanging everyone in it!"
"Oh man, this guy is so cool. I'm takin' you with me when I get back home. How does Secretary of Homeland Security sound, George? Tom Ridge has been a little iffy since the last Fuchsia Alert. Lemme get the papers all ready and you'll be on the job."
"Sounds like a plan, General, but I'm afraid that all I have to sign the document is this grouse," the King laments, holding the half- dead game bird by his neck. "Don't worry," Bush assures. "We'll get you set up with a goose or somethin'." He turns to the crowd of soldiers. "Boys, major combat operations are finished! Mission accomplished!" A few soldiers turn at the news, but it only distracts them as bayonets are forced into their guts. "Oh well, they'll figure it out eventually."
Two American soldiers forcibly carry a stocky bald man, dressed in nobleman's clothing, in front of Bush. "General, we found this stranger wandering around with a strange, shiny object in his pockets. He was asking for you. Shall we dispose of him?" Bush immediately recognizes the stranger. "Dick!" George gasps. "Who would have thought you were behind all this, or that you'd fit in tights so well?"
Vice-President Cheney sneers, holding a souped-up remote control. "The polls were getting too close, George," he explains. "Karl Rove just invented this temporal displacement device two weeks ago, and I figured our image could use a little bolstering. So we've decided to throw out Washington as a last- minute replacement; we created the wormhole and switched you with him. After all, what's a Vietnam War hero compared to THE war hero?"
Meanwhile, in 2004, the Kerry team is scrambling to come up with some final ads against Washington after the "Where was George Washington in 1753?" attack failed to pan out with the American public. They accidentally stumble upon secret documents detailing Washington's anti-environmental plan to chop down all cherry trees and turn them into dentures, and quickly churn out commercials to the media before the polls open. However, as it turns out, most of the American people are "pro-anti-environment". It doesn't matter though, because Kerry still wins the day. It is the all-important Civil War re-enactment voter demographic that swings the election, because their vote against Washington was a successful effort to oust "them damn leotard-wearin' sissies" from the competitive re- enactment business.
- Ian "Charge Man" Pugh
It's all a matter of what George W. Bush stands for...
The guy may be stupid, but at least he doesn't talk to trees. I think.
- Scotty J. - Didn't even want to try an acronym for KING GEORGE III. Three I's in a row? Forget it!
Although the guy may be insane, George III is going to win this one for three reasons:
1) So, he's got the Germans with him? well, Bush has the FRENCH, who have been overrun by the germans many times over. If the germans are an example of military ineptitude, the French are ineptitude incarnate. Just by seeing the drunk germans run more or less in their general direction, the french will flee in terror, confusing and demoralizing Bush and his army.
2) Bush has no airplanes or guided misiles or anything of the sort. As soon as he tells his people to bombard the toy teahouse George III is using as a command center and hearing that it is out of range he'll have his soldiers bring it in range. advancing in small tactical units as in modern times, because that's how Bush moves in th battlefield, (which simply won't work with the firepower available at the time) his soldiers would be cut down a few at the time by the massed British (George III will think that lots of soldiers firing togheter look pretty, so he'll have them that way).
3) No muslims. As soon as Bush realizzes that there are no muslim terrorists on the enemy's side, he'll order his troops to find them hiding somewhere, diverting forces that will leave his position to be easyly overrun by the crazy king's army.
In the end, Bush is captured and brought to England, where he'll mistake the Tower of London for an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (TM), start screaming "Weapon of mass destruction!!!", and be confined to the nuthouse George III's family was going to send him into but didnn't because they could only house one George at the time.
- That guy over there
Brian and Brendan have been focusing of the 1776 end of the story. But what's happening in 2004? Washington emerging in our time wakes up the secret service agents and almost gets shot for making Dubya disappear. Only by the Agents realizing that Washington is Washington... ahh f--- it, I'll skip to the end!!!
Washington realizing he can bring some 21st century firepower to bear brings a US M1A2 Abrams back through the rift to 1776 and turns the entire British army into roadkill. Washington then parks the tank in front of King George III, points the main cannon at him and demands American Independence. Revolutionary war ends November 3, 1776
- King Matthew I
Many Americans believe that we won the American revolution because the British were militarily incompetent and clung to obsolete rules of battle in order to be honorable. The British were actually some of the best fighters of the time, and the best instructors the American soldiers had were ex-British officers and one tough-as- nails Prussian (which, by the way, means he was German). So, with hardly any money, squabbling over order, and with an unprofessional army, how could the Americans hope to win in battle? Well, actually we lost a lot. One of our top leaders summed up his strategy as "We will fight, lose, and fight again!". He was considered to be a great military thinker, if a bit optimistic, by our founding fathers. Could W do much worse?
All the Americans need to do is keep fighting no matter how bad things get until we somehow win enough battles that Parliament decides to stop listening to the King and forget about the colonies so it can concentrate on France. Can W pull it off? Of course he can! That's basically what he does now, only with a less patriotic and war-like populace. Journalists accuse him now of being disconnected with the grim reality of Iraq, which has a casualty rate lower than virtually any American conflict officially considered to be a "war" and some of the ones that aren't.
What does he say when asked what his strategy is to extricate us from such a horrible debacle/quagmire? America will keep fighting until freedom wins. Satirical modern people, like those that run the Daily Show, would laugh at such a corny and cliche statement, but at this point in time people would swear by that phrase as if it were the word of God, which also meant more back then than it does now. G.W will not only have moral clarity, he can assure the Continental Army that they will win the day, because he knows for a fact how it all plays out. For goodness sakes, just by rattling off the stops at historic sites he's made on speaking tours would reveal a good many positions that the British moved their forces to.
So, with future-man leading the way to victory in the 1700s and George Washington reigning in the government back to the position it was feared to grow beyond when it was founded, we all win. Us Americans, that is.
- Patriotically yours, Noman
1. This basically boils down to a matter of stupid versus insane.
2. The above can be typified by Stimpy versus Ren.
3. After many fights over creative control of "Ren and Stimpy", John Kricfalusi (the creator of the show and voice of Ren) left the show, leaving Billy West to do the voices of both Ren and Stimpy.
4. Ergo, stupid wins.
Of course, because time travel is involved in the matter, as soon as Bush defeats the king another time portal will open up, and out pop Confederate soldiers with AK-47s. They begin shooting everyone in sight, until the Nazis arrive with their armor-plated tanks. And then the Martians land...
Obviously, this is a debate requiring considerable thought.
If this isn't bad enough, wait till Sir Henry CLINTON shows up..
- Killer Bee-e-e-e!
Hmm... let's get versed in a little history, shall we? Now, the common stance on monarchs back in those days is that you would always inflate their egos by going along with their abnormalities. One Spanish king can't pronounce the letter "j," and the Spanish language is still thrown off because of it.
Even more interesting was that as King George III started going mad, everyone around him *also* acted like lunatics in imitation of their king. The problem, of course, is that lunatics are seldom watching what they're doing.
So if we just put the lunatic king on the field of battle, that means that all of the British troops are acting like they're a couple scoops short of a sundae. And this is going to result in a totally disorganized army that's more of a threat to themselves than anyone else.
Let Dubya be lost, looking for WMD. The Redcoats, following their leader, will basically implode. King George III will likely fall on his own cucumber, giving the match to Bush by default.
And for the record, this match had the best voting buttons ever.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
"So, Brendan, will George III take back this rebelling colony? Or will George W. manage to outwit the insane king?"
Just by looking at the phrase, "will George W. manage to outwit" gives this match away. George W. couldn't outwit a wet blanket. George III takes it.
- The Mad Josher (Hail to the Beef)
Well, as an Aussie and history student I am afraid that I am going with the plucky Red Coats on this. They lost the original war of independence for a hand full of reasons, despite being the so called "super power" of the day, important ones being a. The colonists had better leadership, and b. the English were unable to adapt to the new form of war fare (through Tea in the harbor? By Jove, the barbarians). That said, Bush has no advantage.
First, he has no real military training or understanding, he has people to fight for him usually, so put him on a battle field were he is in charge and the most advanced weapons are musket and saber and he is likely to think the musket balls are raisons and choke to death. King George III however DOES know how to fight the conventional war of those times. Also the very tactics that allowed the colonists to win, guerrilla tactics and such, are the very same tactics that today thwart the US military, so clearly Bush doesn't understand them. The tactic he understands is air supremacy and bull dozing their way through with overwhelming power and training, oops, the very things the colonists don't have, and that is exactly the scenario that would permit the English to win. And it is questionable how victorious US forces have been in the mentioned conflicts, as control is iffy, and once again Bush had nothing to do with that (unless making speeches won those wars). The way I see it going down:
Bush - ".....Bomb them into the ground, we will oblitrify them and
establish American dependency for all ions to come!"
2 Hours later - Total British victory - King George - "Well General Washington, I have a cell ready for you in the tower of London, I hope you like small spaces"
Bush "We lostified? And me, George Washington? That's Umpossible...... Colon I want to wake up now........"
1. The only thing more destructive than Shithouse-Crazy Royalty is it's American equivalent. Nixon, Reagan, Bush2. See my point?
2. It does not matter. Seriously, did you see the This Modern World where Dubya went back in time and had a chat with the Founding Fathers? Right after he left they had the bright idea of the Electoral College. They thought it would keep him from Office.
3. You can't screw with time. "George W." crossed the Delaware alright, he wanted to have a bitchin' party with the Hessians but once he tried some 18th Century nose-candy things got really violent.
4. You can't screw with history, it's a proven fact that half the people will vote for Dubya then cheat for a few more percentage points.
5. I voted for King George3, mainly because King George2 is a ChickenHawk. If he had the balls to do some real fighting...
Looking at the pictures, it is entirely possible that they are in fact one and the same person. Remembering that 18th Century artists did not create true-to-life pictures of our monarchs, but rather had to make their pictures as flattering as was reasonably practical (and white wigs were the fashion in those days), the features of the "two" Georges are quite similar.
This being the case, the two Georges unite, George W. becoming Governer of America (George III Rex F.D. etc etc promising him that, yes, he will be able to stand for election to King in eight years' time...) When George III is replaced by the Prince Regent, he time-travels into the future, where he takes over as Governor of Texas and the cycle is completed.
No contest: King George III will win, because it is a proven law of nature that the British Are the Best at Everything (TM). They have an undefeatable arsenal:
1. The British have Obi-Wan Kenobi; the Yanks have Darth Vader. As decided in the Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Darth Vader Match (The Early Years), Obi-Wan defeated Vader by a slim, but notable, margin of four votes.
2. The British have Hannibal Lecter; the Yanks have Jeffery Dahmer. Needless to say, Lecter vs Dahmer (The Early Years) ended in a huge victory for the British, by 364 votes.
3. The British have English Soccer Hooligans; the Yanks didn't even bother to try against this. They let the French Army get slaughtered by 636 votes (English Soccer Hooligans vs The French Army; Ground Zero - G2:Grudgement Day).
4. The British have Q; the Yanks have Inspector Gadget. Need I even recall this terribly one-sided battle? Q won by an almost ludicrous 710 votes (Q (James Bond) vs Inspector Gadget; Ground Zero - G2:Grudgement Day).
5. The Brits have Stephen Hawking and Dr. Strangelove (ie. Peter Sellers); the Yanks have Larry Flint. Together, the Brits defeated the Yank by 1932 votes (Stephen Hawking vs Dr. Strangelove vs Larry Flint; Ground Zero - G2: Grudgement Day).
6. The British: The Pythons. The Yanks: SNL. Which, at its funniest, was dominated by Canadians. Canada is part of the Commonwealth and is therefore, Pseudo-British. Need I even bother mentioning the 1339 point British victory? (Saturday Night Live vs Monty Python; The Age of Wireless).
7. The British have - my personal favorite combattant - Harry Potter; the Yanks have some whiny kid named Anakin. 'nuff said - Harry beat Annie by 90 votes. Now if Harry, the least experienced - and most whiny - wizard in the whole of the series could beat Darth Vader (of "Luke, I am your father," fame), just imagine what the Order of the Pheonix could do to the Yanks (Anakin Skywalker vs Harry Potter; The Age of Wireless).
Not only do they have all of these above victories, the Brits are so good they occasionally have to be paired against one another - see Inspector Clouseau vs Austin Powers, Gandalf vs Dumbledore, etc. In contrast, the Yanks have such terrible fodder that they too are paired together - see Jar-Jar Binks vs Scappy Do.
The only two decisive British losses can be simply accounted for.
1. Spice Girls vs The Village People. This match was simply so embarassing that the British refused to put up a fight at all. They simply gave up, hoping that the disgraceful representatives of their nation would be pulverized by the exotically-costumed Yanks.
2. James Bond vs Indiana Jones. The Yanks were catching on to Her Majesty's Secret Service; allowing Bond to be defeated by Jones cleverly draws the attention away from HMSS, and lulls the Yanks into a false sense of security so that Agent Bond & co. can continue their covert operations to maintain the status quo: that the British Are the Best At Everything (TM).
Christ, that wasn't a "comment," that was a term paper! Appologies!
- Kara Darkblood, St John's College, Oxford (former Fairy Princess [TM])
It is with dissolved concern regarding the content of the M. Moore authored morality play, Fahrenheit 1492, that I declare the Boston Tea Party Participants for Truth proclamation as unjustly injurious. Still, my desire stands for both King George III and George the Younger to fall in defeat. That is why my providence to support the Hon. Mr. Nader in 1776 shall be self-evident and rightly declared.
- Mark Wentz -- "We've raised the Red Coat Alert Level to Orange. However, we don't know when, where, or how they'll strike. So be alert, but continue shopping." - Paul Revere, April 18, 1775
You want the man who waved to Stevie Wonder to be a frontline comander?
You Americans really are crazy.
- A Confuserfied Brit
W. can't say "nuclear." That really scares me.
- I won three Purple Hearts
Bush wins this one for one reason: He knows the job of Commander in Chief... that and he's not going to run out onto the battle field wearing a dashiki and wielding a plunger to confront that whacko George III head to head.
No, Bush knows what a Commander in Chief does: He get's REAL millitary men to plan and execute a sound strategy(and in this case, he's got Benedict Arnold and Henry Knox(our nations first secretary of defense) to draw up the battle plan. He rallies the troops, gives them a shot in the arm, steels their resolve to fight and win, and if that means getting on a horse and leading the men out TO the field, giving them a pep talk and sounding the attack, well, he'll do that too.(No way he's setting foot on that battle field; battle field's for soldiers, not politicians, and Bush knows his limitations, besides, there's some weirdo out there in a crown, cape, and pajamas, waving a cucumber wildly...and that's unsettling.)
George III, meanwhile, has TAKEN CONTROL of his army! Screaming "Advance!" followed with "Simon didn't say advance! Off with the heads of all of you who advanced!" The officer corps. consider putting the old man down like a lamed cavalry horse...then they consider just putting themselves down. In the end, most of the dissillusioned British troops, more than willing to fight for country, but TOTALLY unwilling to fight for King, surrender, hoping that this war will finally be over, and they can go home, but sadly not to Canada...which unfortunately, as per Bush's armistace demands, the King ceded to the fledgling U.S. in exchange for Bush teaching him the old "Got Your Nose" gag.
"Looks like Canada just entered the war in Iraq!" Bush chuckles to himself as he re-enters the rift returning triumphantly to our time.
- Walker: Plexus Ranger
The results would probably be the same if we had George W. Bush vs. Adolf Hitler, or George W. Bush vs. his weight in Chihuahuas or George W. Bush vs. a Pencil. No one's voting FOR George III, they're voting AGAINST the president. Same as most Kerry supporters.
- Weird Mark
Fools! How could you be so blind as to miss the obvious truth? That's not George Bush, it's a Terminator look-alike sent back in time to change the Constitution to allow people born outside the US to become president, allowing Ah-nold to take control of the country and steer us into a future ruled by heartless machines! Your carelessness has doomed humanity!
- Fish of Death
On the outskirts of a camp in English territory, two figures lounge around chatting, as servants aren't allowed to be around the military men. A short dirty one is peeling potatoes. A slightly taller, better-dressed one is just reclining on a hammock nestled on some boxes of maps, looking grumpy. The short one pipes up, "So, why are we here again Mr. B?"
Edmund Blackadder rolls his eyes. "Baldrick, were you not paying attention while we were packing? Or traveling to the docks? Or during the horrendously long boat journey?"
Baldrick thinks for a few minutes. "No," he finally decides. "So wherever we are, are things going well?"
"No," says Blackadder, "things couldn't be worse unless we had to get jobs sampling the latest experimental French cuisine. The Prince Regent somehow got it into his miniscule brain that coming here to these filthy colonies to help his father fight would be a good idea. I can't see why we just don't give this land to the revolutionaries, anybody can see it's infested with Americans."
This rant is interrupted when a horse gallops up and stops next to the two men. Another short, monkey-faced gentleman jumps off and looks expectantly around. "Hey, you guys," the stranger says, "I kind of got lost. Where do I got to go now?"
Blackadder eyes him, forms a cunning plan, and rummages through the box of maps. He selects one, takes out a quill, makes a few notes, and hands it to the stranger. "There you go," Blackadder says, effortlessly mimicking the bizarre, slow drawl.
"Thanks!" The stranger jumps back onto his horse and rides away.
"That was awfully nice of you, Mr. B," Baldrick says, going back to peeling potatoes.
"Yes, it was wasn't it," Blackadder says as he lays back into his hammock. "I just hope the horse can last all the way to Ireland."
- Mixmaster Flibble
Quoth the Brendan: "Might as well start signing Hail to the Chief right now cause this one's going to Dubya."
Glad to see the Revolutionaries let the deaf join their ranks.
Very rarely do I have to comment on the commentary, but I really have to wonder If Brendan hasn't taken after George Bush and snorted a few lines of cleanser--either that or Keith Richards must have died and he's smoked some of his ashes.
Onto the match, what we're looking at here is Crazy/insane vs. Stupid/dumb. Tallying up the past Grudge Matches, and the +/- record, we find (using the tried and true method of a win as a point, a tie/win as half, and a loss as -1):
Kahn (+1 crazy), Gilligan (even), Colonel Blake (+1 stupid), Gump (+2 Stupid), Hannibal (+1 S), Barney vs. Wesley (negated for both stupid--all mangled and killed--+1 S) Mr. T (Even) Reverend Jim (+1 C), Family feuds 1 and 2 (addams family--+3 C), Jack Tripper (+2 C), Simpsons (+1 C), Itchy and stimpy (+2 C) Keeanu reeves tied Shatner-- half points (+1.5 C), Taz (2.5 C), Bart (we all want the recount, but have to go by the score--1.5 C), Gumby (.5C), Yeltzin (1.5C) Dick Vitale (.5C), Bill and Ted Lost (1.5 C), John McClaine (2.5C), ALF (3.5C), Montgomery Burns (4.5C), Sarah Connor (5.5C), Waldo (4.5C), Beavis (5.5C), Homer (4.5C), Dirty Harry (5.5C), BeetleJuice lost (4.5C), Dennis Rodman (5.5C), Brady Bunch (4.5C), Kramer (3.5C), Rambo (4.5C), Beakman Lost (5.5C), Power Rangers Lost (6.5C), Conan (5.5C), Oprah Lost (6.5C), Hal (7.5C), Freddy (8.5C), Tim Taylor (7.5C), TAFKATAFKAP (8.5C), Frak Drebin (7.5C), Newman Lost (6.5C), Mork Lost (5.5C), Daffy (6.5C), English Soccer Hooligans (7.5C), King Arthur (Monty Python--8.5C), Clint Eastwood (9.5C), Spice Girls lost (10.5C), Martha Stewart (9.5C), Disgruntled Postal Worker (10.5C), ER lost (11.5C), Marx Brothers (12.5C), Van Damme (11.5C), Tori Spelling (10.5C), MST3k (11.5C), Krusty (12.5C), Gremlins (13.5C), The Tick (12.5C), MST3k (again) (13.5C), Palance/Nimoy (14.5C), Duke Nukem (13.5C), Winnie the Pooh (12.5C), Joe Clark lost (11.5C), Inspector Gadget Lost (12.5C) Freinds/Seinfeld (both mangled and killed--12.5C), Carrie White (13.5C), Springfield (12.5C), Joel Schumacher (11.5C), Animal House (12.5C), Dionne Warwick lost (13.5C), Regis Philbin lost (14.5C), Jackie Chan won (15.5C), Mad Max (16.5C), Hobbes (17.5C), X-men (18.5C), Tick lost (19.5C)...
Well, I think you get the point. Crazy will more than likely prevail. There's not enough Stupid left in the further match-ups to negate the awesome effect Crazy has on victory.
So, pass the crumpets there, ol' boy!
- Keeper of the Light ©2004
W stands for We Woulda Won the War Wery Well Without Washington.
But W also stands for When Worthless Whiny Wich Wastrels (Who Wouldn't Wolunteer When Wanted) Want Warbucks for Wealthy Wight Wingers and Weapons Workmen, We should Warn the Womenfolk of a Wery Wikewy Wipeout, Wounding the Wepublic, Wrecking Wespect and Wearing out our Welcome Worldwide.
But then, on the British side, When Wacky Woyals Wage Wainglorious Warfare Without Waiting for Wieutenants to Work out Wise Wiles, it Warrants Wondrously Woeful Wesults.
It would be a case of stormtwoopers vs. wedshirts for sure... except that George W. would probably just invade Mexico, sponsoring an alliance of northern Indian tribes to fight the British.
- Mr. Glag
Funny how both candidates come from families rife with incest, venerial disease and insanity... But only George the Third has a coat of arms to back him up, and that makes all the difference
- Hyper_Intelligent_Fish, the only true King of Scotland
This match could use a "Both Mangled and Killed" button.
As could a number of real world elections.
I don't care if this is even fiction. There's no way in hell I'm going to vote for Bush.
- Evil Homer
Ironic don't ya think...
Here we have King George who ruled over the greatest nation in the world... had the best army... the best navy...
but lost to a bunch of farmer/pessants and commoners... vs.
a King George who rules over the greatest nation in the world... has the best army, navy and hell ya, marines
But is loseing to a bunch of farmers/pessants and commoners.
Kinda funny don't ya think.
- Big bopper
Of course Bush will lose. He didn't bring Cheney with him.
- ex agent
England once had a "great" king
Who knew not one single thing
He thought he would prevail
But the USA kicked his tail
And gave his pride quite a sting.
America once had a "great" king
The fact that virtually the same limerick can be written about both combatants (one regarding the revolution and one regarding the first debate) means that neither deserves to win. I say the American people rise up to crush both!! Vive la revolution!
- sPeciAL eD
So: Which George shall prevail? Bush, of course! It's only a matter of time before the Americans figure out that the lunatic running around in a nightshirt and waving a vegetable out there on the field is George the IIIrd. Once that happens, every American rifle-man with a bullet is going to be after him. And don't try telling me they won't hit the IIIrd! To quote a British General of the Revolutionary War: "Why, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-" (Unfortunately, the general was cut off in mid-phrase by a sniper's bullet, which killed him).
Having lost their King, the demoralized British will be in disarray and confusion due to Command and Control disruption. The long communications delay between Britain and America because of the slow speed of ships will only worsen the situation. Even with Bush's unfamiliarity with the state of affairs, the rest of the founding fathers (Jefferson, Franklin, etc.) should be able to use the chaos in the British ranks to their decisive advantage. As a bonus, even Bush should be able to remember Benedict Arnold's treachery and give advance warning, forestalling any damage to the American cause from his treachery. Result: George Bush wins again!
- Someone With Way Too Much Time
I just want to say that I find it disgusting that so many of the people reading this site would vote for a repressive regime that fails to give the American people a voice, all out of blind political affiliation.
Thank god King George III still has a healthy majority.
- Vermin Boy
Indeed, this is definitely a puzzler in the annals of tactics; but in the end the deciding factor in this war is which one of these leaders is more in touch with reality. On the one hand, you have King George III, who, let's be honest, is completely off his nut.
Then you've got Bush. Political bias aside, Bush is probably relatively in touch with his world. Greed, stupidity and partisan media are rampant, and a combination of them and other factors have made him out to be a viable president. Unfortunately, he's now in a time when honor and respect still had meaning. With no Fox news to put a spin on his failures, the Revolutionaries will start questioning his leadership. In a desperate attempt to maintain his position, Bush will declare a tax cut for the rich, which will get dirty glares from the enlisted men. Finally, after the battle of Germantown, George will declare "Mission Accomplished" in full uniform (including sock), just in time to be told about the debacle of Oriskany. With disgust, George Bush will be thrown into the Boston Harbour with the tea, and the British will be welcomed back with open arms.
Meanwhile, Washington will see the results of his dream that was America and promptly shoot himself.
Now, the fact is that the war against the american terrorists that George III rushed into has become a quagmire. The british troops never know when and where the next attack will come from, since it is impossible to tell which americans are innocent civilians, and which are militants. The general consensus over in England is that the war was unneccesary, and that the troops should be sent back home. There is even talk about overthrowing the king and replacing him with King John V, despite the fact that king John has a history of raising taxes and actually supports the war in America.
King George III got into this current mess when he snuck out of the royal palace in order to have a holiday dinner with the troops. Things went haywire, however, and the king was caught, cucumber in hand, when the rebelling militants attacked. George W. actually had nothing to do with the actual assault on the king, since he usually relies on others to make the actual tactical decisions. King George III was killed, and heavy casualties were suffered on both sides.
Meanwhile, back in our time, General washington is crossing the Atlantic, flag in hand, in order to catch the Iraqis off guard...
- King Philip VII
You guys are inviting more pretzel jokes than I care to ever read.
As for the actual match, it'd only be a matter of time before George W invited George III onto his campaign to balance the ticket. Have to get those loyalist votes somehow.
Let's play the Nationality Card(TM):
George W. Bush: Texan-American.
King George III: Was actually German.
As seen in a previous scuffle in history (WWII, duh), as soon as the U.S. gets invovled, Germany ended up getting their Anti-Semitic asses kicked. That's what you get for messing wit "God's Chosen People". (I pity the fool that mess with the Jews!!). Some may argue though, that he was the "King of England", so German heritage doesn't count. See "American Revolutionary War" for that outcome...
Now, Dubya may not be the sharpest crayon in the box but he did handle 9/11 surprisingly well for only being in office for 9 months. My vote is with the winning side.
- -C.J. Sandiego, "Where's my Devin vs. Brendan Match?? WHERE?!!"
That guy with the powdery hair and such is just silly. ya know? He's a silly guy and I'm... Not.
I'm workin' hard. Its hard work and if you cant work hard then you cant win.
Just Like In The Election(tm)
I'm George Dubbya Bush and I approved this message.
This is easy, George III is gonna get more votes, but somehow George W is still gonna win!
- Vanilla Ike
Like Kerry supporters, Brian has only stated reasons that Bush wouldn't win, and yet failed to support his own candidate.
But no matter. The important thing is, now we don't have to decide whether to side with Bush or Kerry!
Vote Whig on November 2.
- king rex the first
Crap, I just saw the 'King George' part and accidentally voted for Dubya.
Is anyone else getting deja vu?
I know I dropped you guys a line earlier, when I voted, but this 1900 votes for George III has me wondering if there's been massive ballot tampering, or have the anti-Bush crowd resorted to paying off online voters with crack to see Bush defeated in THIS contest. (Seeing as how well the scheme has worked in Ohio to try and rig that OTHER contest Mr. Bush is involved in.)
- Walker: Plexus Ranger
You can tell that the "Anyone but Bush" campaign is ill-founded when people begin voting against him in ways that could create temporal paradoxes.
George Bush stood on the parade ground as the Colonial Militia gathered to listen. Behind him was a banner that had taken Betsy Ross way too long to sew, proclaiming "Or Mission Hath Been Accomplished". Bush wore his best suit, with a sky blue tie, but his face betrayed confusion. He gave a fine speech about the defeat of Tyranny and the triumph of Liberty. A messenger arrived shortly thereafter, with news that Redcoats had taken Philadelphia.
- I. Phil Kuntz
I met and talked with Dubya once after a pre-caucus speech here in Iowa; my question for him concerned antibiotic-resistant bacteria. He was befuddled and had to ask what they were, then listened and came up with an answer. Yes, a year before his inauguration, the leader of the free world (sorry, Canada) had never heard of the phenomenon of drug-resistant bacteria, but he wasn't the only one to learn something new that day. I learned two things: 1) yes, Dubya is an ignorant man, but 2) he knows it and admits it, to himself if not always to others. Now, Bush's ignorance comes not from stupidity but is self-inflicted so that he can stay resolute (Third Party Slogan: "Ignorance Is Strength," -- 1984). He listens to his advisors, and they examine the complexities and tell him what to do (he appointed Dick Cheney to help pick a veep, and wound up picking... whadya know?! Dick Cheney!) so that he will be safely protected from mental conflict.
All that is not a bad thing for this particular scenario. War games played by us computer-geeks underemphasize the critical factor of morale. George Washington's success came not from tactical brilliance (he lost frequently!) but from his ability to use charisma and resoluteness to get along with people and keep his soldiers fighting with no pay in miserable conditions instead of just going home to Mom and the missus. His reputation began at a battle in which he had four bulletholes in his coat and three horses shot from under him but maintained control over his troops because he stayed calm and acted like he knew what he was doing. That is easier to do if, like Dubya, you are blissfully and optimistically ignorant of what's really going on. The fact that a sizable percentage of the U.S. population still thinks the Iraq war was a good idea, but almost nobody overseas does, testifies to Bush Jr.'s ability to keep the effort going for even an ill-planned, Mussolini-style misadventure. Part of that ability comes from the vaunted and real Bush charm. Dubya would make a great choice for a drinking-buddy, if not for a designated-driver.
That said, insanity does have the asset of making your actions unpredictable (e.g. attacking through the Ardennes or even across a half-frozen river on Christmas), but it also makes it hard to accept help because you impose your own false construct upon reality and refuse to acknowledge otherwise (e.g. issuing orders in the Chancellery to divisions that no longer exist and throwing a tantrum when it doesn't work). Bush does not impose his own construct; he imposes his advisors' construct, and that is a critical difference when one considers who his new advisors in '76 are. Granted, naivety about having a foreign population greet an invasion with open arms is not restricted to the present-day, but the Founding Fathers were several cuts above Rumsfeld, Warowitz, et al. This is the contrast between our two contestants: King George III wanted to HAVE docile yes-men. George Bush, Jr. wants to BE a docile yes-man. When you're in over your head in an unfamiliar environment but have mental giants like Franklin and Jefferson on your side, you don't want to be a micromanager like Jimmy Carter (a U.S. President who wouldn't even delegate someone to carry his luggage); you're far better off being a figurehead like the Shrub.
- Matt Bricker
Thank God Florida would be under Spanish control during this match here. Hail to the King Baby!!
- BIGMRG74 - would have rather seen Elvis as the King, but I'll take the other dude.
Next Match: Basic training.
Next Match: Basic training.