Response of the Week (tm)

- jeff

ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

- Adam Marti

ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

- technical support

Man 1: I was drinking with my cousin from America, and you won't believe what happened after he poured his first glass...

Man 2: What?

Man 1: He put the cap BACK ON THE BOTTLE!!!!!

- Charles

- Rick

Kennedy has in his favor his long tradition of providing Senate service while snockered and his family roots in Ireland and his most important advantage - his enormous head. And we're not talking metaphoric 'big head', as in ego (e.g. the famous Kennedy Ego (tm)), but actual large bone-n-sinew. The voluminous blood capacity of that towering chunk of skull will allow him to out-drink any other American (unless Harry Dean Stanton, may his forehead be preserved, becomes an alcoholic).

But he can't overcome the mass, length and quality of training, and superb condition- ing of the former Head Red. (Who will lose the election even with the Evil One's help.)

- Xxact, Inc.

The decision is a no-brainer when you take the wives into account. Hands down, Teddy's wife is the better of the two. Now, when one considers what drives most men to drink, women are usually at the top of the list. Women just by themselves can lead to this effect, but couple their "womanhood" with ugliness, and I don't care what your heritage is, you'll drink straight vodka and like it!

Boris, God bless him, has to wake up next to that huge wisker-clad woman every day of his life. Not ideal by any streach of the imagingation, and who can blame him for taking a nip of vodka now and again. Teddy, on the other hand gets Vicki. Now, what (who) would you rather do, drink with your buddies in the Senate, or Vicki. I'll bet Teddy chose Vicki too, and as a result I think he probably is out of practice. His tolerance is no where near what it was at the time of the Willie Kennedy Smith trial.

Boris on the other hand... Poor Boris, it's not like Jenny Craig has opened up a branch office in Moscow. Nothing is looking up for him; not light at the end of the tunnel, and as a result, I'm sure he's been drinking at a constant pace for a while now. His tolerance is at an all time high.

Boris wins thanks to Vicki!

- Doug

Now, the only thing that you have to drink about in America is your government. Well, that is not a valid excuse for Kennedy since he *is* part of that corruption.

It is going to be Yeltsin ordering up strait doubles of Smirnoff's(tm) for the two of them each time while Kennedy is reduced to ordering watered down Blue Maui(tm) spritzers on ice to try and stay in the game.

- Doug Hull

- Dave Strom

First, Teddy has been on auto pilot his entire life. He rode on the coattails of his politically entrenched brothers, and even relied on them to get him out of a whale of a jam. A relatively brain-dead electorate keeps him in office. When was a true battle ever waged? His drinking and philandering was motivated by the boredom that comes from a privileged life. "Was" is a key word in the previous sentence. There's no fire in Teddy's belly. Ever since he was married a while back, he has pulled up his trousers and supposedly put down the scotch. We all know it takes daily practice to be able to belly up to the table and out drink an opponent.

Boris has recently appeared drunk in public for crying out loud! The man is obviously a well seasoned drinker. His liver is pickled and he has the fire in his belly. He's faced pressures Teddy can't even imagine. A few simple examples drill the point home: the drawn out battles with Chechyna, fending off Zhivinovsky and Zyuganov, facing a reeling electorate who know nothing but the "security" of big government. Oops, nix that last one.

This contest is a blowout. Teddy is under the table long before Boris starts asking for something other than water

- Dr. Joe

- ELJ, DA is on vacation.

- Dave McGee, University of Oregon

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it"

In the history of the Kennedys you can say what you want but they always win and get what they want. Ted will drink Boris under the tabe and either cause his nose to explode or cardiac arrest.

- Dad (tm)

Boris drowns. Ted wins by default. Ted 2 - passengers 0.

- Ludfritter

Ted, on the other hand, has mastered his alcohol-binging ability and will show no outward signs of intoxication - ever. He burns the candle at both ends and is physically and mentally strong enough to carry the whole thing off.

It is simply a case of man versus boy. Ted will win hands down.

- Steve Bevacqua

Ted, was weened on the teet of America, Boris was weened on Vodka. Ted has had life rather easy, Boris scrapped his way to the top, which takes a pretty mean drunk, even by Canadian standards.

I say Boris power drinks for the first four rounds, builds up his points and skates to an easy K.O in the 11th hour.

- Mark Hall

First, you see,Satan(tm) has made a terrible mistake on the part of longtime coat-tail rider(tm) Teddy. Ted's "expertise" is not, as you stated, drinking, but in fact womanizing.

The esteemed senator's evenings do start with the devil's sauce,but then takes a different path. Like the loin looking over a field of wilderbeast for the weakest victim, Ted will spot his prey from across the bar. [Ed Note: Did you mean "lion"? Freudian slip, perhaps?] After several drinks Ted's speech becames slured. He tells his victim he's not drunk,but in fact is using some esperanto(tm) learned in his "high society" private schooling. Next thing you know Ted's showing off his "Irish do it better"(tm) tattoo, and asking her to call him Tedalicious(tm). In truth, Kennedy's not an expert on drinking. He's just a womanizing drunk.

Secondly, If Kennedy loses he rides his private jet home to a multi-millon dollar estate with servants. The only assests Yeltsin will be freezing after a lost will be his own. If he loses he rides the public train to the Gulag FOR service to the state.

Third. During Gorbechev's visit to the states in 1991, he made a detour to my homestate of Minnesota. At the time I was indulging at a local tavern. Three seats down from me at this bar I see this guy, I swear on the WWWF Rulebook(tm), who looks remarkably like Yeltsin. Maybe he was tailing Gorby, I don't know. But this guy was pounding them back, one after another, and swearing in russian. He was there even after the cops hauled my ass out 4 hours later. Pounding them back. Bam,bam,bam. I seen world class athletes before. This man was definitely par for the course.

Outcome: After 8 hours Yeltsin has downed somewhere in the neighborhood of 1900 shots, and is starting to feel a slight tingling sensation. Kennedy has long since given up and is trying to talk locals into forming a lobby,and send some of that loose money his way.

-Bill,Mpls.-

- David G. Hughey

The primary reason is that Ted is going to be hell bent on not picking up the tab. Yeltsin is going to wake from his pool of vomit to one nasty looking bartender and a huge bill. Ted knows he just has to get to a car where his good overseas police buddies will escort him home for just a small token of his appreciation. They know the routine.

Furthermore, since Yeltsin has nothing but near worthless Rubbles on him, he will have to work off his debt by servicing the bartender's uniquely featured daughter's needs.

- Mark Kirschner

- Peace,
K

Kennedy might be a drunk, but he's not getting drunk on rotgut. Nope. Ted's a top-shelf alchy and I doubt very much if Nepalese liquor, a cloudy concoction strained from Yak piss and sherpas' socks, will be agreeable to Ted's palate. Yeltsin, on the other hand, will find this concoction a virtual ambrosia and what he doesn't sock away in his gullet will be transported back to Moscow in an old tank converted into a tour bus.

Lastly, there is method in Ted's madness. He's not just a drinking fool. He's a drinking, philandering fool. Put Ted in a bar full of gorgeous women and he'll polish off the first bottle as breath freshener. But there has got to be good lookin women around. Ted aint pickin up a bottle unless there's a deft case of the clap to pick up with it.

If you've ever seen pictures of Nepalese women, you know Ted won't be drinking much there.

On the other hand, Yeltsin, a first-rate, butt-pinching skirt-chaser in his own right, will be right at home. Even a refitted tank looks good compared to a Russian dame. Throw Yeltsin in a Nepalese bar with a couple of saucy yaks and the first three bottles are going straight to his woody.

It's Yeltsin by two and a half cases.

- Edward Eubanks

But that's just what I heard, I could be wrong.

- Stefan Kastenmacher

this contest goes glasses down to boris.

- st942593

- Phil

With a history like that, it's got to be Kennedy, hands down and bottoms up!

- roberta

I mean, sure there is the stereotypical Russian woman Ludmilla but what about all those Natashas in the KGB (currently out of work)? What better way then a bunch of voluptuous trained killers to distract the legendary Kennedy libido?

The combat opens with Ted and Boris facing one another when suddenly the door opens revealing five gorgeous women who quickly shed their mink coats to reveal low cut black evening dresses with thigh-high slits and pouting lips who fall all over Ted asking his if he can point them in the direction of Palm Beach. Thus distracted, Ted misses the entire competition.

Boris in one shot (although he finishes off a couple of gallons just to be sure).

- Keith Morrison

- n9541304, Western Washington University

Ted, being the hard drinking Irishman, normally enjoys a good stout, or a hearty Irish or Scotch whiskey. To him, Beelzebub will serve Kamchatka Vodka, not anything quality like Stoli, mind you, but the cheap stuff I used to spike punch with when I was in college.

As for Boris, he'll get the shittiest blended scotch money can buy, and the Beastmaster can find it.

So both contestants are drinking at a relatively poor rate (say one shot a minute), for about a half hour, at which time both lose their respective lunches. Both collapse onto the floor, where they wallow in their own, well, y'know, for a while.

So it's a tie, right? NO, because, as Ambassador Kosh on Babylon 5 is so fond of saying, "Understanding is a..." oops, wait, wrong Kosh saying. Oh yes, "You have... forgotten something."

That something is that Ted Kennedy, besides being a liquor sink, is also a master womanizer! Granted, there isn't much in the way of women in Nepal, but if Karen Allen could hack it there, perhaps some other gorgeous babe could. It is this gorgeous babe who will come to the aid of Ted Kennedy, and distract him from getting back to drinking.

Boris, who has no such problem with women, eventually staggers up to the table, and finishes not only his own p*ss-poor blended Scotch, but also Ted's Kamchatka.

All of this transpires in an hour. Yeltsin wins, and Kennedy goes back, happy, because he personally isn't up for an election until 2000, and he bagged another babe!

- Dan McD.

Ok so maybe, just maybe Yeltsin might fall asleep just out of being tired or whatever. So let's give this one to the homeboy, and wait for a rematch at the Olympics. Kennedy in 6 hours.

- Dave

- mrl

Never mind the yak herdsmen -- we've got Satan running the contest. Satan! HELLO!!!!! You don't think SATAN would cheat??? Come on guys, this is SATAN we're talking about! You don't think he really wants anyone to WIN this thing, do ya? And he's running the show!

Here's what's going to happen: Satan is going to put something in the booze at some point, and Boris is going to not be able to tell the difference, and he's going to be in serious trouble. Whereas Ted, with his discriminating palate not dulled by decades of an unrelenting diet of JUST vodka, will spit out the offending brew, leap up out of his chair and scream, "GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!!!" for the benefit of the CNN cameras which will of course be there bringing this incredibly important news story of the battle between Boris and Ted to our living rooms. TED WINS! Not only does Ted save Boris' life, hence earning the Russkie's lifelong friendship and loyalty and creating a newfound political resolve in his backbone to embrace democracy and capitalism and all that good American stuff for the folks back home, but by staring down ol' Lucifer on live TV, he completely revives his own political career, is nominated at the Democratic National Convention by acclamation, is elected president by a massive ground swell of popular support (INCLUDING the conservatives and the Christian Coalition to boot!) and changes the face of American and world history forever.

Never, but never, underestimate a drunk Kennedy.

- Ellen

- Jim

The russian contingency may disagree with me, with the russian elections around the corner, but it is a proven fact that the U.S.A. has beaten Russia in everything. Rocky beat the Russian in Rocky IV (correct me if I am wrong). Our women look more feminine than their women (you gotta pluck those mustaches, ladies). And the eagle could pluck the eyes out of the russian bear. The choice is obvious, it is U.S.A. all the way.

Also, it is a proven fact that alcohol freezes at a lower temperature than water. So, whoever drinks the most has the better opportunity of survival in Nepal. Kennedy's liver wins in a landslide.

- Big Mike

- kARMACIDE

- Chris

- Bonnie and Steve

Ted Kennedy has demonstrated an incredible amount of capacity in his ongoing ability to swallow Clinton's acrobatic lies. He even seems to absorb them all and echo them.

Ted Kennedy has also shown great stamina. Anyone who can extricate himself from an underwater car in which a girl is drowning and swim by himself to the surface to continue campaigning is a stalwart indeed.

- Twoey Clarke

- doc, George Washington University

- Frances

- the master of RAYality...

- Michael A. Young

While Boris has begun to put on a nice belly, there is no way he is in Ted's class. The more bulk, the more you can drink. Ted starts out with a big advantage.

Second, Boris is a Vodka(tm) drinker. Ted looks like a Scotch Drinker(tm). In Nepal, they'll probably get Fermented Yak's Milk, at least once they drink up the the good stuff. Boris will never stomach it, but Ted, being of Irish descent, can drink anything. Ted in a walk (if he still can).

- John Greenan

So they both drink lots - yeah, but look at what it is that they drink. Ted Kennedy gets drunk off wine spritzers and Pink Ladies. Boris Yeltsin, on the other hand, has spent his entire life drinking

RUSSIAN BOOZE

I once smoked a pack of Russian cigarettes. I mean, American smokes are designed to kill you, but Russian smokes are designed to kill you RIGHT NOW. Similarly, American drinks are designed to make you tipsy, but

RUSSIAN BOOZE

was scientifically designed with the specific purpose of freeing you once and for all from the pain of living under an oppressive totalitarian state. That Boris Yeltsin is still alive testifies to his supernatural constitution, and points to his eventual victory. So no matter what they end up drinking - from warm yak's whiz to rubbing alcohol - Yeltsin wins because has the stronger stomach based on his drinking history.

-Thinkmaster General

Yep, Boris may have at one time been into alchohol, but he is now obviously taking a more unconventional route to mindless bliss. No one could have danced like that lest he were on Acid. Based on what I saw, he's too fried to pick up a glass, let alone enter a drinking contest. Ted will be able to down one after the other as Boris communes with the walls.

Plus, the Devil is not above rigging the game (Job 1:8-12), and would do everything in his infernal power to further the career of his favorite son.

- Capt. Howdy

- Thayer

- Student and/or Staff at some school in Canada

- Anthony Wilson

- Trevor Allred

- James Robertson

How do we take care of medical problems here in the West? We operate...transplants, bypasses, bodypart-ectomy and so forth. What is the accepted pre-operation procedure in the West? Gas the sucker with nitrous.

How about Russia? In the best of the Communist times, organ recipients would have to wait outside the hospital in lines for weeks at a time. By the time the infirmed finally reaches the hospital, the needed organ would have sold out. Perfectly healthy Russians would actually get in a hospital line without knowing what organs were actually being given away. Their logic would be that it must be something good and that they'd probably need it by the time they got up to the front of the line.

Now, in the capitalist times, organs and operations go to the highest bidder and are too expensive for most Russians. A apendectomy now goes for several times the lifetime wages of the average Russian, which is the equivalent of US$19.95.

Now, what does this have to do with Yeltsin's impending victory? Well, Yeltsin is descended from generations of Russians who have survived the lack of extra organs and operations. That makes for some tough cardiac muscles, arteries, kidneys, and yes, livers. And when they DO have operations, what is the anesthetic of choice? You got it...vodka.

And don't forget that the Russians are great Darwinists. Just look at the theory of Marxism. The fittest economic ideology replaced inferior ones: Agricultural communities replaced by feudalism replaced by capitalism replaced by communism replaced by capiatalism. And if we apply this to the Russians themselves, they have evolved to the point where their bodies have no need for the vast majority of their organs, making them almost immune to alcohol poisoning if not depression.

Kennedy will lose either by passing out or by the necesity of leaving for a liver transplant. Yeltsin will win and be well enough to meet a head of state (albeit he'll do his George Bush in Tokyo impression) the next day.

- Peter Lanagan

The Soviet era was no different. Look at Lenin. The Russians claim that their brilliant medical science kept him well preserved for more than half a century in his mausoleum. What science? A bottle or two of Stolnichnaya (tm) a day when he was alive would more than suffice for long-term pickling.

Stalin. Miss one of his known-down drag-outs and it's a one way ticket to the Gulag. Become his drinking buddy, and you might just survive to get your turn as boss (if the drinking didn't kill you first). That was the secret political skill of world-class politico-boozers such as Khrushchev, Brezhnev, et al.

Remember that Boris spent most of his career drinking his way up the nomenklatura career ladder. It is also significant that his big (but ultimately temporary) setback came in his confrontation with Gorbachev, who was an anti-alcohol crusader. Is that a coincidence? And did the collapse of the USSR political system under that temperence crusader a coincidence? I don't think so.

In contrast, US politics is not anywhere as strongly driven by alcohol. Rather it is ideology- and money-driven. Ted Kennedy simply does not have the drinking skills and experience (the money, yes he does) that Yeltsin, by necessity, has carefully honed over years scheming in the Kremlin labyrinth. Look at the results: Yeltsin has emerged from the rubble of the Soviet Union to reach the top, the fruits of long years throwing back vodka. Ted Kennedy, as President someday? Don't make me laugh.

- L. Knee

An old example best demonstrates Ted's superiority: Ted has had a good number of drinks and is driving a female campaign worker home. Suddenly, (through no fault of his own) the car plunges off of a bridge ala Imus(TM). Does the inebriated Ted panic and drown? NO! He easily swims to safety (even though the alcohol in his system would kill a large horse). Not only, though, does he swim to safety, he knows enough to abandon the only witness who could accuse him of DUI, and he disappears for eight hours so that his turbo-charged liver can remove all of the alcohol from his system. It can be plainly seen that Ted is a masterful drinker who does well under any pressure.

Boris, on the other hand, has been hospitalized twice in the last year for his heart condition, so its safe to say that he may not be too eager about downing 35 shots of Stolchanya(TM).

- Robert Jordan

*And now with analysis and commentary on major issues of the day, here is Imus in Washington's Senior Political Correspondent, the late Richard M. Nixon:*

Thank you very much, ~/Imus in the Mooooorning/~. HeHeHe. Well, let's get right down to work, shall we. Only one issue this week, Don-O, but it is a doozy: Ted Kennedy vs. Boris Yeltsin in a drinking contest. *What?* Did you hear about this one? *Uh, no.* It was on the Internet. It's all the rage! Get this - they have these two swapping shots until one passes out in a competition for Satan's help. As a Republican president during the Cold War all I have to say is - I LOVE IT! IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS! I can see more political Grudge Matches in the future. Bill Clinton and JFK locked in the Playboy mansion overnight. Joe Biden and Perot's VEEP Stockdale in a speech writing contest. *How about Spiro Agnew versus Marion Barry in criminal chutzpah?* Well, then again, maybe not.

Now to the issue at hand. We all know the Kennedy's have a major weakness for the sauce. I think we've all heard the Kennedy motto. *You mean, 'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country'?* No, Don-O, "You're not drunk if you can hold onto the floor"! HeHeHe. Yes, the Kennedys are an American institution when it comes to drinking it up. But then again, have you seen Ted recently. *Uh* Remember the Iran-Contra hearings - he looked a heartbeat away from NOT having a heartbeat, if you know what I mean. And he is going to outdrink a Russian? These people drink Vodka like water. To say it mildly, I DON'T THINK SO!

However, as much as it pains me, I have to go with Ted on this one, Don-O. You know why? *No* BECAUSE BORIS WILL ALREADY BE DRUNK! You know if Boris is selling his soul to Satan, he's in REALLY bad straights. By the start of the competition, he'll have the tolerance of a ninety-year-old grandma charter member of the Prohibition Party. After a couple more shots, he'll be making passes at even you, Don-O. HeHeHe. *FINE* Even Teddy can beat that! Heck, even I could beat that! Boris is going to hit the floor faster than you can say "NO, A BUD LIGHT, COMRADE!"

Now before I conclude, I have a final thought. First, as someone who has had bad experiences with this sort of thing before, I don't think Ted will be content with his latest "deal with the Devil". True, he will win his election but, as we all know, there is always that hitch attached. *You mean like Watergate?* No, like Checkers! What do you think I'm talking about! Ted will remain in the Senate - to make people like Al D'Amato and Jesse Helms look good in comparison! There is nothing like a prominent congressional clown to keep the other party in power. As for Boris, even if he wins the election, he'll be lucky to last six months with the condition his liver and kidneys are in.

Well, anyway, that's my two cents, seen through the Dick Eye's view of a former President of the United States.

[Sound effects of a car skidding out of control and crashing off a bridge into a river, followed by water-garbled cries of a women screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP!" before fading away underwater.]

- Paul Golba

Which one of these guys SOUNDS like the winner? Yeltsin in Under 30.

- Denis McGrath

So, as the night wears on, Kennedy begins to waver back and forth in his seat, and shortly before reaching the vomiting point, he begins a lecture about how all russians are "impotent cowards who can't even hold their country together." Yeltsin then procedes to kick Ted's ass, and the American falls down, unconsious, in a pool of his own blood and vomit.

- Lonny Zone

- Dave R.