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At a stuffed animal convention in Las Vegas, both Christopher Robin and Calvin happen to be seated at the same table. Deep in conversation, both neglect their poor little stuffed tigers--Tigger and Hobbes. "Stuffed" is not an accurate description of these two critters as both are simply starving. Off in the distance (in the unicorn section of the room), they both spot a tuna sandwich fall on the floor. The blur that ensues can only be described as a "Grudge Match." So, Brendan, which animated animal will acquire the ample entree?
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The Commentary Brendan: First things first, we know that CBUB already did this match, ok? As such, anyone who mentions that in their response is going to be punished as harshly as Texas Due Process (now 48% reliable in captial cases) allows. Specifically, they will be automatically entered in our Win a Dream Date with Devin contest. You have been warned. Ok, with that out of the way, we can now get down to the business of explaining why Tigger's got it all over Hobbes. Tigger has the experience. While Hobbes has been limited to merely hunting a six year old human child, Tigger has had an entire forested ecosystem filled with a vast array of animals to practice the deadly arts in. Furthermore, Tigger has survived under extreme conditions. He's been through a flood, he's survived being stuck in a tree, he's even been through a blustery day. All of this has given Tigger the skills needed to win. Tigger also has the allies. Rabbit can stockpile any needed supplies, Owl can run aerial recon, Eeyore can plan the strategy (anyone who has mastered the intricacies of Pooh Sticks is a tactical genius of the first order), and if that's not enough to guarantee victory, Tigger can always count on Kanga using her womanly wiles to bring Hobbes to his knees (or have we forgotten how easily Hobbes is distracted when there is a lady present). And need we forget who else is in Tigger's corner. The big man himself, who will gladly help Tigger out if he gets in trouble. Yes that's right, Tigger can call on the Narrator. By contrast, Hobbes can only count on Calvin for backup, and while no one respects the diabolical genius of Calvin more than myself (I still want a recount in the Bart vs Calvin match), we all know what will happen if Calvin and Hobbes try and work together. They will end up fighting each other over what the G.R.O.S.S. supersecret handshake should be or something like that, guaranteeing a Tigger triumph. Hobbes is about to learn that kicking ass is what Tigger's do best. Mark: Looks like somebody didn't read the scenario. Like the part that says "The blur that ensues...." Eeyore and blur can only be used in conjunction with each other when taking an eye exam. Besides, if someone is proclaimed tactical officer because he can figure out which way the creek is flowing, you have some major intelligence problems. And what exactly is Rabbit going to stockpile? Carrots? Lettuce? Besides, as history has shown time after time, anything Rabbit stockpiles is going to be un-stockpiled by Tigger. By the way, the narrator is on holiday, too. My guess is he's down the street watching Sigfried and Roy. (Probably annoying everyone around him with his narrating.) It's interesting that in one paragraph you refer to Hobbes' experience as "merely hunting a six-year-old human child" and two paragraphs later that same child is a diabolical genius. I think you have discredited Hobbes' experience. He's been left in the woods overnight. He's been through the washing machine many times. He's survived a burglary. Heck, according to the shirt my wife received as a resident of Perrin Hall at Northwest Missouri State, he's been in the shower when Calvin flushed! That's about as painful as any "Texas Due Process." I think Hobbes would consider a blustery day a well-deserved relief. The real need here is speed, though. Certainly, Tigger could bounce from here to there. But the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Hobbes sprints straight. Tigger arcs all over the place. Hobbes can't lose. Finally, kicking ass may be what Tiggers did best, but in the time it took you to write that, what Tiggers do best changed five times. Good golly! Even politicians don't claim to "do best" at as many skills as Tigger claims. When the end comes, G.R.O.S.S. will stand for "Great Rout Over Silly Subspecies." Brendan: Charging straight ahead? This is how Hobbes is going to win? I suggest you read up on a little something called World War One to see what happens when your battlefield tactics consist of nothing more than charging straight ahead. As for your mockery of Eeyore, High General of the Army of the Hundred Acre Woods, I must remind you that he masterminded far more than just which way the creek was flowing. He also figured out that you had to drop the sticks in a twitchy sort of way; strategic thinking worthy of Patton. And I am truly amazed that you would actually bring up the burglar incident as proof of Hobbesian prowess? Have you forgotten where Calvin finally found Hobbes on the day of the burglary? Yes, that's right, hiding under the covers. Not mauling the burglars as one might expect a tiger to do in such a situation, but hiding under the covers like a wussy little fraidy cat. And its not exactly like burglars are that hard to scare off either. Maccualay Culkin defeated them, even my family's Sheltie Shelly (I didn't name her, all right) drove one off a couple of years back, but Hobbes was driven into hiding in a display of cravenness that would have shamed even the Cowardly Lion. Tigger's got the skills, he's got the backup, he's even got the theme song. And after he takes care of Hobbes, he will be the only one. Mark: I believe the NRA would like a word with you. Remember, burglars are the folks who make it necessary for every true American home to be armed with handguns, automatic weapons, and, of course, aircraft carriers. And am I to take it that if you were entering a home and saw Macauley Culkin you wouldn't turn tail and run? I certainly would. Yeesh! Dude's spooky! The aim is survival. Hobbes survived the burglar and Hobbes will survive Tigger. I didn't mock Eeyore. I mocked the qualifications needed to be the gang's tactical officer. I suppose, Mr. WWI expert, the war was won by the soldiers firing their guns in a "twitchy sort of way." (And what did WWI teach us about bouncing up in the air?) If Hobbes were trying to conquer the Unicorn section of the room, he probably wouldn't sprint. However, since he wants to be the first one to the sandwich, speed seems tactically advantageous. Don’t get me wrong, I like Tigger and his friends. So much so that I have about 5 neck ties with their images. However, with Hobbes’ speed, mandibles of death, and catlike reflexes, it seems very unlikely that Tigger’s wind endurance can match up to Hobbes’ abilities. Yes, yes. I know. Tigger has his own theme song. Great! Call me when it's Tigger against Ally McBeal. In the meanwhile, I'll be hangin’ with Hobbes, dining on some fine sandwiches. Now, please pass me the potato chips.
Thanks to DJM and Nick DeLillo for suggesting this feline frenzy.
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Related & Similar Matches
The philosophy most commonly associated with Hobbes is that of Thomas Hobbes, who the tiger's named after. The human Hobbes beleived that human life was nasty, brutish and short. Humans were selfish to the point of self-destruction, and the government is established primarily to stop stupid humans from killing each other over, say, a tuna fish sandwich. He wrote a book called Leviathan because he beleived that only a government with the power of a giant sea monster was strong enough to stop stupid humans from killing each other. Tigers don't even have opposable thumbs, so it's logical to think that Hobbes will have even less of a regard for his fellow feline. Mess with Hobbes in a fight, and you're brushing up against someone who wants you dead in a ditch bleeding, both as an individual wanting to beat you to the sandwich, and as a self-appointed government official stopping you from fulfilling your self-destructive urges. Tigger, on the other paw, is most commonly assocaited with Buddhism, thanks to the Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet. Buddhists are pacificts. The only violent thing they've done is set themselves on fire. Any questions about the fight now? - Kilgore Trout
The saddest thing about Tiggers
- Eric Snyder II
Well, duders, I boycotted the last match and nearly boycotted this one because the Good Guy vs. Good Guy scenario just ain't my bag. You know how I feel about the inevitable team up and waste the Bad Guy scenario. But then I remembered... Hobbes is NOT a good guy. He betrays his best friend, Calvin, at every drop of Susie Derkins' hat. He is cocky. He shows total disdain for humanity. He is the incarnation of evil. How can a friggin' Disney character beat THAT? Exactly. Hobbes wins. - Todd Evil
Tigger has a TV Show and Movie, both by Disney. Bill Watterson refuses to allow his characters on any merchandise whatsoever (all C&H merchandise is pirated) Now, am I a Capitalist or Communist today? Um.... (tosses coin) Communist. Comrade Hobbes wins! - GKScotty Hobbes has once beat Tigger: the "where" of that event is unimportant. But it serves as the first event of the saga, until we see the prequel involving a fight between rival tiger manufacturing machines in "Tiger Fight: Episode 1". In part 2, the defeated one gets to win (the "Empire Strikes Back" clause). In part 3, the original winner (ie Hobbes) will get to win again. Being perceived as cuddly and nice (and Susie perceives him that way) is a bonus. (the "Return of the Jedi" clause). As we are currently in part 2 of the Hobbes-Tigger saga I must regrettably give the win to Tigger, but I am secure in the knowledge that Hobbes will triumph in the end. And here's how... After Tigger made off with the tuna sandwich, it was a dark time for Hobbes. Hungry, he searched for the lost sandwich until he was supplied by Pooh (a seeming defector from Tigger's side) with a pot of honey... and the co-ordinates of Tigger's hidden base where many tuna sandwiches were stored as well as the Death Spring, which would allow Tigger to bounce over whole planets. Marshalling all the water balloons he could muster, Hobbes sends Calvin in ahead to take down Tigger's defences. Just as Calvin draws back his foot to kick over the pile of sticks (Eeyore: it's my shield!) he is dragged away by the evil Ogre (later to be revealed as: Ogre: Calvin... I am your mother! Stop kicking over other people's houses right NOW!). However, he later escaped to take down the shield of sticks, allowing Hobbes to enter, throw a water balloon at the Death Spring, and escape before it dissolved. Disheartened, Tigger bounces away in search of new adventures, while Hobbes finally claims the tuna sandwiches and restores them to the galaxy... err, his stomach. But as this all lies in the future, Tigger wins. - O.P. Tigger: bounces, attacks rabbits, and annoy the hell out of everybody. Hobbes: Sadistic, evil, girl crazy, and knows how to use the Rage(tm). Tigger stands no chance! I didn't even take time to read the anything about this match, except who it was in it. No matter what, Hobbes is the shit! - fReaKYFrEaky Tigger is just about to get the upper hand when *Zap!**Zap**Boom!* Spaceman Spiff, Interplanetary Explorer Extrordinaire flies his spaceship straight through the wall, with death rays on full. Right behind him is Stupendous Man, Tracer Bullet, a pack of Velociraptors, a T-Rex, 4 deer with hunting rifles, 10 duplicates of Calvin with the moralizer set on 'Evil', 50 G.R.O.S.S. warriors, and a platoon of zergaput warriors, attacking everything that moves. During the Chaos, Tigger somehow mangaes to get to the Sandwich. Calvin sees this, and, taking out his Transmografier Gun(tm), turns the sandwich into a Calvinasaurus, the city-sized demon beast of the Jurassic. The mere size expansion completely obliterates eveyone within a mile except for Calvin & Hobbes. Again using the Transmografier, Calvin turns the Calvinasaurs into a 2-mile tuna sandwich. - Grimlock Hobbes will definitely clobber Tigger in this battle. Three things point to a victory for him. 1. The prize of tuna. As any Calvin and Hobbes reader knows, Hobbes like tuna a lot. In fact, just one sound of Calvin opening a can leads him into jumping into the food. As for Tigger, I highly doubt he even has eaten tuna, and will likely hate it. 2. Battle skills. Sure, both have been known to pounce others. However, Hobbes has way more experience in regular fighting, thanks to his regular fights with Calvin. 3. The location of the fight. The fight is supposed to take place in a stuffed animals convention in Las Vegas. Thus, along with the 100 Acre Woods gang and Hobbes, there would be another stuffed animal there that would play a crucial role in the fight: Snuggles. Obviously, he would want revenge for losing a fight against Pooh, and what better way to do so than to cost Tigger the fight. In the end, Hobbes gets his tuna, while fighting will be on the list of things that Tiggers "don't like". - Joe Klemm What have you done to us???!!! Is nothing sacred to you sickos??? OK, now with that out of the way, let's all be sickos. Tigger's got the strategy on his side, and the aforementioned GeneralOfTheArmy Eeyore would have had this planned LONG before the sandwich fell to the floor. See, Christopher Robin and Calvin have long since been rivals with each other, and, having seen this, Eeyore had strategy in hand. The commentary assumes that the sandwich was dropped on accident, but, in fact, it was all part of the plan. The sandwich hits the floor. Tigger and Hobbes both eye it. Tigger begins his BounceO'Death, which Hobbes starts directly toward the bait. Halfway through his leap, though, Hobbes' heart begins to suddenly and inexplicably pound. And, looking around to see why, (Tiger's senses being what they are, even stuffed ones), he spies the real reason for his sudden giddy adrenal-tap... It's Suzie! HobbesHeartthrob shows up at the exact moment he's ready to get da food! (Yes, another BRILLIANT example of strategic timing and planning). Suzie, that MegaBabe whom Hobbes longs for, and Calvin absolutely hates. Both Calvin and Christopher Robin stand up as Suzie enters...and Calvin, of course, must begin to insult SuzieQ to no end. Now completely distracted by the beautiful sight of Suzie and her lovely accompanying aroma of Chanel No. 5; and emotionally distraught as his master tears down the MegaBabe that he loves, Tigger has his chance. At just the right moment, Tigger begins his series of downward spikes to Hobbes' head. As Tigger stomps on Hobbes' head again and again with his tail, he sings, "The WONDERFUL thing about TIGGERS, a TIGGER's a wonderful THING!" After THAT thrashing, Hobbes is in NO condition to do anything, allowing Tigger to hurl the now- crumpled PaperTiger at Calvin, perfectly imitating his leap, striking Calvin in mid-insult. Calvin, now angered by the dual attacks of his tiger pouncing him AND the appearance of a yucky girl in the room goes berserk, and promptly begins to tear the hapless Hobbes limb from limb. Ten minutes and a bunch of stuffing later, Calvin turns back to the table to find everyone gone... ...as Christopher Robin takes his MegaBabe out on a date consisting of a movie and OtherStuffAboutAsUnimaginableAsThisMatchInTheFirstPlace (tm), while Tigger sits in the front row, munching on the prized sandwich. To hell with the movie prices for popcorn! - TazmanianHawk (otherwise known as Taz) Well, looks like Hobbes has the advantage here. Anyone from Wing Commander group has...(gasp)...sorry, I take it...(ouff...(ZAP! ZAP! Thump)
Thank you for access WWWF Grudgematch(TM) WE look forward to our next
subject.
- Epsilon Program Station
- Allan Grego
I see that in the voting Hobbes is FAR ahead of Tigger by almost 100
votes it looks like. While I agree with the sentiment beware the
mouse. He will not look kindly on those who vote against his
minions.
- Jason ' Kobayashi maru' Patten
- The Nestbeschmutzer
If you will recall first who owns each toy:
And by the way, those Pooh animals stick together, so Hobbes will
also be grossly outnumbered and out-RAGEd(TM). A hopped-up tiger
(pardon the pun); an emotionally unstable rabbit; a donkey who is one
step away from Postal-ville; Kanga and Roo; and Owl, the Bird of
Prey...
Hobbes would be better off with his weirdo owner than this bunch. At
least, the worst that can happen to Hobbes is become innocent
bystander in a snowball war between Calvin vs. Susie Derkins, his
teacher, and the babysitter SIMULTANEOUSLY. He takes one step toward
that sandwich and he will instantly be surrounded by crazed maniacs
who will burn him in effigy (much like what happened to Snuggles, if I do recall.....).
Maybe this time you'll pay attention when the Genius speaks....
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
First of all, consider the combatants' origins. Tigger comes from a set of children's stories that appeal to the very young set. Hobbes is from "Calvin & Hobbes" one of the more clever and cool comic strips in recent years. This alone give Hobbes a MENTOS(tm) level of coolness that Tigger can't match.
Also, it must be remembered that Tigger is named after some silly thought in A.A. Milne's imagination. Hobbes was named for 17th century English philosopher Thomas Hobbes. Therefore, Hobbes is a more intelligent character than Tigger.
Much was made in the commentary of Eeyore's mastery of the game of Pooh-Sticks. Even if Eeyore appeared in this contest, his strategy at such a wimpy game will not help. On the other hand, Hobbes is a master of the game of Calvinball - the only sport where the rules change by the minute. The fact that Hobbes can consistently defeat and outwit Calvin in such a randomly changing game is a sign of true strategic genius and adaptability. Besides, games of Calvinball would sometimes digress into fights between Calvin and Hobbes, perfect training for this competition. The only thing that could result from a game of Pooh-Sticks is a slightly improved knowledge of currents and maybe fluid dynamics. Hobbes wins this point handily. On a related point, has Tigger ever beat up anybody? No. All he does is bounce around to irritate and confuse them. Hobbes has pounced on and beat the crap out of Calvin on numerous occasions. So, in addition to the strategic skill, Hobbes also has practical fighting experience.
Finally, consider this: Tigger (and the whole Pooh franchise) are under the control of Disney. Disney is an evil empire. Hobbes is not a part of Disney, but rather United Features Syndicate. Therefore Hobbes is the good guy and Tigger is the villain. Hobbes will triumph easily over Tigger since good usually triumphs over evil (or at least it is supposed to).
- The Demented Astronomer
- Tirdun
- Capital J
- Lazlo Toth
- Martin
So there you have it: Hobbes, A smart, clear-headed tiger vs. Tigger,
who is Drunk, Stupid, and Possibly Homosexual. Need I say more?
- The Almighty Carnagefreak
Tigger will have made his one bounce to reach the prize while Hobbs is
still running the maze.
- Galahad
- Mr. Potato Head -- if tuna's what you covet, you'll find that Hobbes loves it
For one thing, Tigger's association with Winnie the Poop would be
enough to guarantee his defeat five times over. Then the fact that
whenever he takes a step he shoots twenty feet into the air. He's
gonna knock himself unconscious against the ceiling. And then the
voice! He sounds even more idiotic than Capt. Janeway. He's probably
been mauled already by an Angry Mob(tm) who just wanted to get him to
stop talking. They're not gonna let him anywhere near this sandwich.
But Hobbes! How can he fail? He's got poise, style, and humor.
He's just as smart as John Cleese. He's got Cattitude(tm) (Cattitude
is the refreshing blend of Rage(tm), Mentos-Level Coolness(tm), and
whoop-@$$(tm) that all cats possess. Available at partipating stores)
and may I mention he can go 0-90 in 0.5" Flat! And he has Tuna
Radar(tm) He'll be stuffing himself before Tigger even finds out about
the sandwich. And by the way, what makes you think Calvin would
even go near Christopher Robin? He'd form a new club called GROSGB
(Get Rid Of Slimy Girly-Boys)
- Antidisestablishmentairianism
Their fighting abilities are moot, since Tigger will still get the
tuna sandwich. Hobbes, being the tiger-genius that he is, will have
foreseen a territiorial fight over the only other male tiger in
cartoondom and so would have planted the poisoned sandwich (which the
single-digit IQ Tigger would haplessly devour and ensure his doom).
- Stubbzilla
1) Weapons avaliable. This depends on the aggression of the Host mind
(Robin Vs Calvin), Tigger and the rest of the gang barely managed to
fight a hive of Bees to a standstill, This was with all the
stockpiling and Eyeores Master plan, and there wasn't a weapon in
sight. Calvins Demented mind will conjure up Zorbian Death ships,
Matrix like more weapons will stream past. Finally Calvins cloneing
machine. As for Hobbses Backups - He's made first contact with an alien species
(marsians) and has An entire outfield of ghosts. No contest here
2) This is in the Unicorn section, Read mainly females. Mr Milnes
progeny has no overt agressive tendencys. In fact Disney(tm) Political
Correct shackles(tm) will have drained any possible male agression
towards the feminine gender totally. Tigger will probably stop and
offer the sandwhich to the nearest unicorn apologising for many years
of harsh repression.
3) Willingness to trample for food, Hobbses has attacked calvin,
several times in search of a tuna sandwich. This is his best friend.
Tigger has never been a threat to Christopher or Pooh, indeed is
suberveriant. Tigger has lost touch with his killer instinct, He is a
vegetarian (What else is there to eat in the forest, The others
(Hasn't happened), or bark (Deforestation, a no-no)) Tigger probably
wouldn't know tuna if he was slapped with one.
To summarise, Hobbses has the agression, He has the weapons,He has No
Disney(tm) Shackles, He Has the Hunger. He will Be VICTORIOUS!
- D.Merzel
HOWEVER, I wanted to thank ya'll for doing this again. I was the one
that suggested it to 'em, but was on vacation and missed writing any
sort of response. Also, BTW it mentioned a rematch at the end, so we
could always just chalk this up thusly. :)
Okey-dokie, now that that's outta the way, let's move on to the
debate, hmm? There are several factors here and I'm gonna do my half-
assed best to look at 'em until I'm distracted by something shiny.
MOTIVATION: A tuna sandwich falls to the floor. Hobbes adores tuna
(and fresh swordfish steaks grilled outside). Tigger, well, Tigger
is finicky, being that he doesn't like hunny or haycorns. In fact if
I remember correctly, the only thing he liked in the book was castor
oil or something mediciney that Kanga fed Roo. On the cartoon,
though, Tigger likes cakes and stuff like that. Still, since Tigger
hasn't ever tried tuna, he may not be as gung-ho as Hobbes.
Advantage: HOBBES
SKILL: Hobbes is the long distance pouncer. He can take out Calvin
from pretty darn far away. Tigger's no slouch, but he is generally
closer. BTW, Tigger doesn't JUST bounce, he often pounces (like
Hobbes). He just doesn't do it as well. Advantage: HOBBES
TARGETS: Tigger has never, to my knowledge pounced Christopher
Robin. Calvin pounces on Calvin every day. Hobbes, however ONLY
pounces on Calvin. Tigger pounces on any other stuffed animals who
enter the Hundred Acre Wood. Tigger practices on a variety of
targets. He gets the edge. Advantage: TIGGER
ACTIVITY: Both Tigger and Hobbes have their bouncy/pouncy moments
and their lazy ones, so that cancels out, but... This is a major
factor. Tigger has been seen by adults and children alike, as have
Pooh and his other friends. Hobbes can only be seen by Calvin, who's
in direct conversation with Christopher Robin. Susie never sees him
move, Calvin's parents don't, Rosalyn doesn't, etc. While Tigger and
co. keep a low profile, they can be seen and still move. Advantage:
TIGGER
PERSONAL: Well, I guess the deciding factor in my vote is who I'd be
the most attached to. Well, I've loved Hobbes for years. He's
consistently made me laugh and has shown comic strips at their
finest. However, I have enjoyed the antics of Tigger and Pooh and
co. since I was a li'l un. They have always made me smile and I
still watch their cartoons when I can. I can do Tigger and Pooh's
voices (as well as some of their friends). Tigger's been around more
and in more media for me to grow fond of. Hobbes is always a
favorite, but sadly his exposure has dropped while Tiggers has
grown. Advantage: TIGGER
The way I see it, Tigger will see Hobbes setting himself up for the
pounce to snag the sandwich. Tigger will knock into Hobbes (in a
playful bouncy sorta way) and then zoom over and snag the sandwich.
Tigger will take a big bite of sandwich, hate it, then give the rest
to a hungry Hobbes. Then the rest of the Hundred Acre Woods gang
quickly try to hide as Tigger and Hobbes decide to get some pouncing
practice in.
.........I'll pass on the dream date with Devin. Thanks.
- Noel Schornhorst
1. Patience
2. Stealth
3. Cajones
The facts speak for themselves, and the true hunter, Hobbess, will be
devouring the tuna while Tigger wastes away from starvation.
- Sheriff John Stone
- Claymore If you think about it,Hobbes is the teenaged version of Calvin- drooling over girls,thinking abstractly (well,Calvin thinks abstractly already,so this would be even more abstractly than normal for Calvin),drooling over girls,plotting world domination,drooling over girls,etc. Tigger,meanwhile,is the very soul of innocence,along with just about everyone else in the Hundred Acre Woods (TM),and just doesn't have the deviousness (moral contamination?) necessary to beat Hobbes to the tuna sandwich. Besides,Hobbes' favorite food is tuna sandwiches! There is no way that Hobbes could bring himself to allow an innocent (read foolish) Tigger to deny him his birthright! - CaptSheridan Call me crazy... The CBUB already did this match you idiots! I just wanted to know what Devin's like, OK? - My name is Kenny Let's prove systematically why the late great Hobbes would easily kick the ass of sugary Disney crap:
I. Determination.
II. Speed
III. Energy
IV. Maneuverability
V. Intelligence Besides, Tigger is DISNEY. I realize that's already been said, and will be said again many times, but what more reason do you need to vote for Hobbes? - Infraggable Krunk This is how i see it tigger springy tail gives him the speed advantage, right and he has lots of practice as he has done it in numerous feature films - hobbes however doesnt move - and is very often in black and white so i figure he will have muscle problems - so its obvious while hobbes is trying to get used to being able to move tigger will bounce over hobbes and grab the sandwich. - jAsOn Confucious says: "Only a foolishman plays leapfrog with a unicorn." Tigger watches where he's bouncing from, not where he's bouncing to. And one wrong bounce in the -Unicorn Section- and it's all over. - Le Messor hobbes, no contest. hobbes has all these: 1) He's got the speed. if you think chasing down and pouncing on a six year old is easy, then try it. they've got more energy than... um... well, it doesn't matter what they have more energy than. 2) he's got the gadgets. he doesn't need calvins help, he just needs the devices. how can tigger cope with all this? 3) remember tigger's song. "his tops are made outta rubber, his bottoms are made out of spring" with all that bouncyness, one well aimed pounce will send tigger flying. 4) all of this is a moot point, as by the time Tigger is done with that song of his (he has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, so he must sing it), hobbes will have eaten the sandwich, along with four others he stole - Kramertim Hmm, pretty even match. I'll vote for the tuna fish sandwich. Stay tuned for next week, when Brian and Steve sponsor: Tuna fish sandwich vs. Pastrami on rye... - 1/2 Nelson Hobbes might be tough (you can't survive life with Calvin without being THAT!), but Tigger's downright insane! Can anybody possibly bounce around that much yelling "WO HOO!!" repeatedly without being hopped up on enough crack to get New York City high for weeks? (Well, OK, that's an exaggeration; maybe enough for two days...) The hard part isn't going to be beating Hobbes (pogo-ing on his head a few thousand times in 10 seconds will take care of that), it's gonna be reining him in before he wastes everything else in ten miles. Besides, I had to vote for the guy after Brendan's line about "Eeyore, High General of the Army of the Hundred Acre Woods" :). - "Mad Dog" Mike There's only one possible winner: Tony the Tiger, coming in at the last moment with his new "supercharged" powers! With a flah of extra sugar he bolts after the sandwich, and along the way he knocks down a table of stuffed teletubbies, whose disgusting features instantly blind the two tigers just seconds behind, leaving them helpless, and Tony the champion. He's grrrrrrrrreat! - YepYepYep Physically, our two ostensible competitors are dead even. That is to say, they're both stuffed tiger toys with no motive abilities whatsoever. They are also, however, the psychological projections of the two young boys who own them. That is where the true competition lies, so let us examine the personalities these tykes project to determine our winner.
Christopher Robin: sweet, mild-mannered English lad. His most
violent images are blustery days, bee swarms, and the occasional tail
falling off Eeyore. A Harry Potter book might give him nightmares. Result(and I'm betting they stole this for the vote tally section): Hobbes beats the stuffing out of Tigger. - Call me Shane We might have stolen that line for the vote tally section, if you hadn't stolen it from the vote tally section of the Pooh/Snuggles match... - Ed. Tigger and Hobbes are vastly different sorts of tigers: one excels in energy, playfulness, and straightforwardness, while the other is subtle and sly yet retaining some bestial qualities. Pooh and Tigger's other companions are useless in battle, but the conflict will draw multitudes of other tiger allies on both sides, including: 1) Formidable Warrior Individuals: The Jungle Book's "Shere Khan" steps in for Tigger, while the cerebral Tygra of the Thundercats sides with Hobbes. WINNER: Tygra has that long-range whip, while Khan is crippled (which is why he must prey upon slow humans). 2) Air Support: The Japanese carefully prepared their offensives, so their Pearl Harbor strike force (whose attack order was "Tora! Tora! Tora!", i.e. "Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!") has more in common with Hobbes. Their Tiggerish counterparts would be Gen. Channault's "Flying Tigers," who relied upon mobility and resourcefulness. These U.S. volunteers' guerilla campaign was historically a constant thorn in the Japaneses' side, but the mercenaries would do badly in a huge, all-out Battle of the Tuna. WINNER: the Pearl Harbor raiders. 3) Huge Organizations: Tony the Tiger ("They're grrrrrrEAT!") has enough boisterousness to relate to Tigger. Further, not only is he frequently portrayed as an athlete, an ad for Chocolate Frosted Flakes reveals that he's no mere spokestiger but is high up in the Kellogg's corporate structure. The tiger representing the 1988 Olympics and the more reserved Koreans, however, would find kinship in Hobbes. Though Kellogg's would easily bribe off the Int'l Olympics Committee, the comic-strip tiger would still have the resources of an entire semi-industrialized country at his command. However, history shows that when a minor nation stands in the way of a major U.S. industry, the result is decided faster than you can spell "C.I.A." Kellogg's would then proceed to buy or boycott "Thundercats" out of syndication, and the crews of sabotaged Japanese bombers would discover that sugar-rich cereal makes a poor fuel-additive. So, this would end as a decisive victory by proxy for Tigger, but he wouldn't appreciate the prize. Remember, we're talking about someone who spent an entire chapter sampling and rejecting every kind of food his friends could offer. After initial curiosity, Tigger would consider the can's contents a Big Disappointment, spit out the fish, announce, "Tiggers don't like tuna," and go off looking for some more of Roo's medicine. Hobbes wins the tuna, by default. - Matt BrickerBrendan, Brendan, Brendan, you make tormenting you easier EVERY commentary... Tigger? Tigger? TIGGER?!?!?! WHAT IN THE SMEG WERE YOU THINKING?!?! Seriously, this isn't even a fight. Hobbes thrives on tuna, and guess what the sandwich is. Geez, this is sad. Besides, in a point I think you both missed, Calvin is talking to Chrissy Robins. Now, why do you suppose this is? This is CALVIN, folks. He's gonna tear Tigger & Co. to shreds while Hobbes enjoys the delicacy of Starkist on Wonder Bread. Oh and Brendan, don't think the date joke passed me by. Your comments will be avenged... - Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee. I see dead commentators... I submit that precedent and logical nessesity demand this simple law: Lets condier the resulting abilities: Hobbs: Redesign the fundamental structure of reality by imagination Tigger: Jumps sortta high
- Atrus I see three possible outcomes to this match, and Hobbes is the winner in each one. A.) Tigger is a wee bitch. Everyone in the 100 acre woods is stupid, with the exception of Eeyore, who is a hero to every existentialist. His "what's the point?" attitude will definitely affect his tactical decision making. Tigger will await orders from Eeyore, who will tell him that the sandwich is meaningless, nothing matters and he should just kill himself. However, Tigger, in his greatest moment of reason, would point out that if Eeyore truly feels that there is nothing and that nothing at all matters, he must commit suicide if he is to be true to himself. This leads to a philosophical discussion, and by the time Camus is quoted, Hobbes has eaten the sandwich, and is taking a nap. B.)Eeyore, the pessimist, sees the glass as half-empty (or the sandwich as half-gone). His freinds, being the optimist Disney scum (tm) that they are, try to convince him that the glass is half-full (the sandwich is half-there). Hobbes, being the product of the mind of a realist six-year-old, will drink whatever is in the glass (eat the sandwich) and leave the dirty glass for someone else to wash. C.)Consider this...
"The wonderful thing about Tiggers, I heard those words come directly from Tigger's mouth once. As everyone knows, those "super balls"(tm) that you get out of those machines at the entrance at K-Mart bounce like nothing else. They are made of rubber. Everyone also knows that springs, when attached to an object, will propel said object in the opposite direction when the object is propelled and the spring makes contact with a hard surface (wall, floor, etc.). I see Hobbes grabbing Tigger by the stomach and launching him like a friggin' dart, head-first, into the wall. His head (made of rubber) will bounce off the wall and send him flying in the opposite direction. His bottom (made of springs) will bounce off the opposing wall and send him in the direction he just came from, sending him flying back and forth across the room until gravity slows him down enough to stop, at which point Hobbes will be taking a nap, having already eaten the sandwich. Tigger just won't get that damn sandwich. Once again, imagination wins, assuming that Disney Evil(tm) is not a factor. -SkullKrusher - Matt Harvell As Someone once wrote: there are three sides to every story, Analytical, Imaginative, and "The Awful Truth." This response shall gander at each side of this event. Analytical: First of Lets assume there is a hundred feet between Hobbes and Tigger, and the Tuna Sandwhich (The absolute minimum for "off in the distance"). Hobbes will obviously take the more direct route, coming up at 100 ft. I estimate Tigger will take the same path at 20 jumps, assuming totally he Jumps 5 feet everytime. Since pi has recently been reduced to 3, we shall use that number. Which gives us basically 10 full 15 ft circles, or 150ft. The answers will be the same no matter how many jumps Tigger takes, it will always be 150ft Assuming all other factors are equal (sobriety of the competitors, obstacles, the curviture of the earth) as mentioned before Hobbes obviously takes the Analytical Advantage. Imaginative: However my right side is predicting, that when both come bounding into the unicorn room one two things will happen A: Tigger will have one of those horns accidently rammed up his sphincter after a miscalculated jump, or B.Hobbes shall be stampeded by a herd of unicorns after they have heard one "horny" joke too many. However the right side of my brain was the side that told me to deny all logic and vote for Dionne Warwick, so I try to ignore it. But still, 50-50 change on the imaginative view. Awful Truth: However has to be some behind the scenes work here, otherwise why would there be only 1 paragraph for the scenario? As mentiond by Calvin, Hobbes hates tuna because of the fact that dolphins were killed to get it. Obviously the sandwich is under a 10 ton weight(tm). Hobbes must be in league with Wild E. Coyote (Hunterus Extrodinaritus) in order to kill Tigger (Annoyingus Disneyanimalus). Hobbes is in fact leading Tigger to the trap in order to collect his payment for completing the hit set out by Warner Brothers. Tigger gets the sandwhich, but then .039 seconds after, he gets crushed under the weight. The weight then fall through ten stories hitting the floor. The only part of Tigger remaining (his tail) hits the floor at amazing speed causing the spring to launch him back through the air, eventually destroying the rest of Las Vagas. A happy ending by all accounts. Now excuse me while I find my copy of the Velveteen Rabbit. - Peanuts"Glad I didn't use the obvious 'beat the stuffing out of' line"Pat Much though I hate to admit it, I'm going to have to go with Tigger on this one. As I see it, it all comes down to a matter of composition: Hobbes, as everyone knows, is made out of felt, cloth, and anonymous stuffing, while Tigger is made out of "rubber and springs". Yes, in fact, Tigger is one of the notorious T-20 Model Terminators. Designed to look like ordinary children's toys, but easily detectable because of their rubber skin, this series was discontinued early on in the war. However, an old, malfunctioning T-20 Terminator was accidentally sent back through time with the original T-200. Separated from its compatriot, with most of its circuits fried, it managed to make its way to a deserted tract of forest. However, upon engaging in combat, its old subroutines kick in. Hobbes is shredded fast than you can say "I'll be back." I'm afraid this battle is destined to be nasty, brutish, and short. -Malthus All I see in this match is two rugs for the living room and the den. - Budo It must be painfully obvious that Tigger is a crack/cocaine addict, and in the best possible example. He bounces around and laughs like an idiot. Ah, but the most obvious reason in the Disney feature The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh Tigger mentions (and I quote) "the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is that I'm the only one!" But later in The Tigger Movie he goes searching for a family. Talk about memory blurs. This, you may say, may actually be a plus: bouncing around may just kill Tigger's antagonist. Wrong. This is Las Vegas! Unlike Times Square, Vegas hasn't been "Disney-fied" yet! Not only will Tigger be glaringly out of place, but there are crack dealers EVERYWHERE. He'll be spending plenty of time in the alleys, spending Christopher Robin's cash. Hobbes, a clean-blooded-and-minded tiger, gets the tuna sandwich WITHOUT OPPOSITION. Tigger spends the night in a puddle of his own vomit and cotton, and starves to death the next morning. His emaciated corpse is found some hours into the afternoon, licking the walls of an IHOP. Don't do drugs, kids. It can only lead to trouble. - Charge Man - Ask me about my "Peter Pan is a communist vampire" theory! Really! The result is elementary. As noted above, the shortest path between any two points is a straight line, therefore Hobbes will get there first and bolt the sandwich before Tigger bounces there. Furthermore, what weaponry can Tiger muster? Sticks and stones and pots of honey? Calvin and Hobbes, on the other hand, have acccess to time-travel equipment, spacecraft, death ray blasters, a .45 caliber revolver, explosives of many types, an F-4 Phantom II, three F-14 Tomcats, one F-15 Eagle loaded with "tons of every concievable missile" and many many other lethal weapons. The F-14 alone carries enough firepower to blitz the entire cast of Winnie the Pooh, with Phoenix, AMRAAM, HARM and Sidewinder missiles as well as laser- guided, electro-optically guided and GPS-guided bombs and a 20mm M61 Vulcan rapid-fire automatic cannon. - Viet Ngo Tigger kicks butt. The Whoop-de-dooper-ally-ooper Bounce is gonna knock the stuffing out of Hobbes. - Lost in Kansas I must admit, I haven't watched or read much of Poo and the gang. But from what I have seen, I'd say that Tigger is a very flighty sort of stuffed animal--he's easily distracted. That's a trait that Hobbes could use to his advantage. All Hobbes would have to do is point away from the sandwich and say something like, "Look! Poo's got his butt stuck in a honey pot!" Tigger would immediately bounce over, hoping to tease Poo and make the situation worse by trying to help. At that point, all Hobbes has to do is stroll over and claim the sandwich. - Bookworm "Win a Dream date with Devin"? Wow, am I eligible (and if not me, then is my sister)? - Barely FemaleFemale (Sorry. You're disqualified as you forgot to mention CBUB. -Eds.) Tigger doesn't eat tuna fish. The whole match falls apart on that fine point. - Michael Moon Tigger Wins becasus Kicking ass is what Tiggers do best! - Vinnie Mondaro Not only geometry ("A straight line is the shortest distance between two points") but psychics are on Hobbes' side here. As he said himself "It's awfully hard to change direction in mid-air." While Hobbes is in contact with the ground and can exert force to shift course, Tigger is spending most of his time airborne, and he'll be forlorn when he realizes that he's not built for aviation- no control surfaces. While Hobbes can move through or around any obstacles that appear, Tigger will have to settle for landing wherever he's headed at the time before he can change direction. Not only will this eat up precious time, since they have to cross a unicorn section full of upraised horns to get to the sandwich, Tigger's likely fate can best be expressed by a Chevy Chase quote from Fletch: "Moooooooooooooooon Riiiivvvveeer! Using the whole fist, Doc?"
- Mr. Silverback- I've got brats on the grill. Think up your own tagline. (Okay. "- Mr. Silverback- I actually did pass physics, no thanks to Dionne Warwick!" - Eds.) It all goes down to philosophy. Lets look at the enlightenment of our opponents. TIGGER: The closes link between tigger and pals to philosophy is the Tao of Pooh. Sure Taoism is a revered eastern philosophy steeped with mysticism and undoubtablly has power. However it is only ONE philosophy. The whole learning from observing and being like nature and acting on instinct unlearning what interferes with instinct may help him, but the aspect of not giving into desire does little to help. As for his pals, their only link is the Tao of Pooh as well (owls are known as wise but their has yet to be an owl philosopher of note). One may even argue that Whinney and Pooh are the yin and yang of what a horse produces but that is going a bit too far. HOBBES: At first he seems to have a disadvantage. After all how can he get anywhere near the power of Taoism? Well Hobbes shows connects to TWO philosophical schools of thought. First Hobbes is a well known English Philosopher. Thomas Hobbes argued that mankind was fundamentally selfish (A big plus in getting the food) and needs to be ruled by a powerful and just dictator called the Leviathan. (and wasn't Hobbes dictator for life in G.R.O.S.S.?). If that wasn't enough Hobbes was from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, and Calvin, John Calvin was the protestant who broke from the catholic church and started a new christian philosophy based on predestined fate, the omnipotence of god, and salvation by his grace alone. Though Calvinism or Hobbesian thought alone cannot stand up to taoism, combine them and you have a form a selfishness predetermined to win by divine choosing. Two philosophies beat one. - ChAoS only rely on Calvin? ONLY?!?!?!?! My friends, all of Tigger's gang exhists in the imagination. That means that all of Calvin's imaginary creations will come in to play. And Calvin's imagination is the most diabolically evil thing ever produced by mankind. Tigger and friends will be beset by a horde of sludge-maggots from the planet Xartius, armed with Zok-Rays and backed up by the mighty Calvinosaur. Pooh has nothing on the Calvinosaur. Nothing. - I'm not an Alien!!! "Say, Linus, I must say, this is pretty good coffee," said Calvin, his suit covered in stuffing. "Yes, that's because I don't like to drink the blech you're used to drinking. I like to drink good stuff." "Yes, sir, this is some mighty fine coffee," said Hobbes, his suit also covered in stuffing. "Hobbes," said Linus, "I was wondering if you got a good look at the sign in front of the house that says Dead Tigger Storage." "What sign?" "Dead Tigger Storage. I was wondering if you got a good look at the sign in front of the house that says Dead Tigger Storage." "uh, no?" "Do you know why?" "Why?" "Because, Hobbes, there is no sign that says Dead Tigger Storage, that's why! Now you gotta get this dead Tigger out of here before Lucy gets home!" "Linus, my Man, it's all taken care of! Mr. Dogbert, is on his way!" "Mr. Dogbert? Why didn't you say so! I'll give Schroeder a call, to make sure Lucy doesn't come home early." Linus left to use the phone in the other room. "Calvin? Calvin, where'd you go? Calvin!!! What are you doing!?!?" "What? I'm washing my hands in the kitchen sink!" "Aw, Man, you're gettng lint all over Linus's security blanket..." - Mike Leung
In the end, Hobbes gets his tuna, while fighting will be on the list of things that Tiggers "don't like".
- Joe Klemm
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