The Scenario

Babylon 5 hangs in space, all alone in the night. It is a hub of galactic diplomacy and commerce, and some of that commerce is taking place in its cargo bay. One Zaphod Beeblebrox is selling the Infinite Improbability Drive from his spaceship Heart of Gold, which he recently totalled after one too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. He has his hands full--all three of them--with prospective buyers.

"Your Infinite Improbability Drive is our only hope," Princess Leia Organa says. "Dark Jedi are overrunning the Rebel Alliance. We're doomed without it. Besides," she adds hesitantly, "it's the only way I'll be able to forget that time I slipped Luke the tongue." She shudders.

"Emotional appeals are irrelevant," Seven of Nine observes dryly. "Mister Beeblebrox, Voyager requires that drive to return to Earth. With Captain Janeway's propensity for making exploratory sidetrips, and inability to adapt the ship to advanced technologies, it is infinitely improbable that we shall succeed without it."

"You think you've got problems, Blondie?" snaps Commander Susan Ivanova. "Try working on this station. If it isn't Shadow Wars, it's rogue telepaths, or assassinations, or Captain Sheridan's knock-knock jokes. I need some sleep!" She eyes the glowing gold orb feverishly. "And I'm going to get it."

"I cannot allow that," Seven says, advancing. "Voyager's need is greater."

"Says you! And get those things out of my face!"

"Please," Leia implores, "we can settle this peacefully."

"Shut up, Shorty!" Seven and Ivanova shout in unison.

"Ladies, please don't fight. You--" Grins suddenly break out on Zaphod's faces. "What am I saying? This should be the best show since Disaster Area's farewell tour." He pulls up a chair and a pitcher of Gargle Blasters, and watches the fun.

So, Paul, which beautiful bargainer bests the belligerents and buys Beeblebrox's bounty?

Cmdr. Susan Ivanova

vs.

Seven of Nine

vs.

Princess Leia

The Commentary

PAUL: Let me get straight to the point. As we all know from the Babylon-5 mantra, Ivanova is God. She even moonlights as Death Incarnate. Match over. Anyone for pizza?

But since I like listening to myself talk, let me continue. Susan earned her position as Commander through hard work, military skill and having bigger balls than your average NBA locker room. Plus she is a Russian Jew, the most oppressed people of this century, which guarantees she comes from a long line of hardy survivors. Are a couple of civilians going to beat a grizzled military veteran? Most likely, they will wait for Han and Janeway respectively to rescue them, as usual. Pathetic.

And while I'm at it, don't forget THE RAGE(tm)! She has the worst job in the world. Executive Officer of B5 is little more than Sheridan's gopher, consisting of lousy assignments like talking with those exciting cargo ship captains and newsanchoring B5's version of CNN. And she can't get a man that isn't psychotic while the Captain is sharing flarn and spoo with Delenn and Londo is entertaining a dozen women at a time. Does Ivanova deserve this type of crap? Leia and Seven will be on the receiving end of the answer.

Seven and Leia will be breathing vacuum within five minutes.

SHANE: We know you like talking to yourself, Paul, just like most asylum inmates. Fortunately, your med nurse is here, and her name is Seven of Nine.

Seven has an insurmountable advantage: implants. No, not those. I'm talking about Borg implants. That means improved senses, enhanced strength and reflexes, and the combined knowledge of every species ever assimilated by the Borg collective, a race so inherently awesome they can make even cube-shaped spaceships cool. Seven is the Bionic Woman™ with brains, and without the cheesy sound effects.

She also has, thanks to her time among the Borg, a complete detachment from her emotions. As anyone who has seen Spock or Data can testify, this is the sign of a superior being. While Leia is mawkishly pleading for a diplomatic solution (and look how much good it did her home planet), and Ivanova is letting her naturally aggressive nature get the better of her, Seven will methodically assess the situation and arrive at the optimal solution -- which will be kicking their butts up and down the station.

Further argument is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. I'll have pepperoni on that pizza, Paul.

ROSENCRANTZ: First, I'd like to thank the Grudge Panel for loaning me this space to propagate my evil and subversive subliminal [BLINK TAG GOOD!] messages. I am a commentator now! Open the temple doors wide before me!

Now, Paul was mumbling something about rage before he was cut off by the incoherent babbling from the inmate in the next cell. Kids, lemme tell you about the RAGE™. The RAGE™ is about getting your entire homeworld blown up before your very eyes. It's about still having rashes in very uncomfortable places [BACKSEAT OF A VOLKSWAGON] from Jabba's galvanized bikini. It's about getting caught tongue-jousting with your sibling on film. Most of all, it's abusive relationships, and Leia's got one in spades. When her new boyfriend's not out binge-drinking with Lando or tracking Wookiee hair all over the house, he's bragging about the time he did the Kessel run or gloating about how much more successful his film career is than hers. We won't even mention that old YT-1300 freighter up on blocks in the front yard. Leia's madder than any number of Jenny Jones guests. She's stuck in an co-dependent relationship. She's also got a brother who can strangle people with his mind.

Did I mention that she's probably advanced quite a ways in her own Jedi training by now? Ivanova the Terrible and Seven (Eight if I'm drunk) will learn why you should never bring a phaser to a lightsaber party. Paul, make sure it's thin crust.

PAUL: So Princess Leia is going to use the Force(tm)? In three movies, Leia couldn't manage anything more impressive than being Luke's telephone receiver ("Leia! Help! BTW, If you sign up now for MCI's Force Friends & Family Plan, you can save up to 50% on all your calls..."). And is Luke's Force training anything like his career advice she's been following? Susan's secret telepathic ability (which has thwarted Jedi equivalent Psi Cops) will reverse the blatantly telegraphed choke manuever, forcing Leia to shut up for the first time in years. Permanently.

As for "Miss Logic", please explain her outfit. That illogical catsuit rendered the vital Captain's Pet Harry Kim into a lovesick puppy (Scene I'd Like to See: "Make love to me, Harry!" *communicator* "Kim to Janeway. Permission to begin docking procedures."). And those 12" pumps are just begging to break an ankle in the random mish mosh of air vents built by the lowest bidder that make up the station.

Anybody for some Crow on that pizza?

SHANE: Now now, Paul, the MST3K match was months ago.

Seven's wardrobe is easily explained. Voyager's holographic doctor designed it, and we recently learned he has the holo-hots for her. Connect the dots. Besides, those heels are a decided advantage, letting Seven let fly with devastating Batgirl Kicks™. KAPOW! (For best effect, use Batgirl of the 60's series, not the 90's movie.) Regarding what the clothes conceal--yes, now I mean those implants--no Wondersuit could make them that, er, prominent. I suspect there's some Borg-engineered duranium-tritanium alloy employed, one that could hurt, a lot. One shimmy could end this fight fast.

As for this Force hooey, guys, I'm here to tell you The Force is the most overrated factor in the Universe. Have you seen those Phantom Menace fast-food tie-in ads? If Colonel Sanders can wield The Force, HotBranch's pet goldfish Fluffy could use it! If Leia, and Ivanova with her untapped psionic potential, are counting on The Force, Seven won't work up a sweat defeating them--much to many fanboys' disappointment.

And don't order from Pizza Hut. Just don't.

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh no, a psychic with a Napoleon complex and the cybernetic Pamela Lee. In Phantom Menace we saw a lightsaber cut through blast doors, I can't wait to see what one does to CyberJug implants. I imagine the molten silicone gel will kill or horribly disfigure Ivanova.

Even if Leia, by some miracle, loses this fracas we all know this will come down to a huge space battle; I can't see the showdown between the Big Three sci-fi franchises being decided by a catfight. Now, we all know that nothing Star Trek has a chance in a stand-up fight; their pseudolinguistic generators overload and spew made-up words all over the script, requiring hours to act out and causing indescribable pain in the home audience. Note, also, that they have no fighters, leaving X-wing sized holes in their defensive screen. The B5 crew might put up a good show if it weren't for the fact that their special effects budget is too low ("Their raytracing is at 50%! Aim between the pixels!"). Need I elaborate what, say, a Calamari Cruiser or a captured Star Destroyer would do to these ragtags? I probably do, but such gruesome detail would probably just encourage another round of high-school shootings.

This pizza brought to you by the Committee to Re-elect Senator Bob Palpatine.

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

Hmmm.........Let's do a rundown:

1. Ivanova. No add-ons, just a superiority complex. Do I like her chances? Let's ask the Ren & Stimpy horse. Horse, do you like it?

Horse: *thinks* "Well, sir, I don't like it."

2. 7 of 9. A Borg turned good, who still uses her cybernetic implants and knowledge, but looks like a beach bimbo. Horse? Do ya like her chances?

Horse: *thinks* "Well, sir, I don't like it."

3. Leia. THE FORCE! LIGHTSABER! Counter: VERY annoying. Horse?

Horse: *thinks* "Well, sir, I don't like it."

STUPID HORSE! PICK! PICK DAMN YOU!!!!..err, I mean, he-he, I guess the Lightsaber cuts through anything, and she DOES have the Force...Leia. (AND Col. Sanders is a good fighter-he's won a GRUDGEMATCH!!!)

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escaping Dark Jedi

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Susan, Leia, Seven of Nine,
All three had one thing in mind.
The Infinate Improbability Drive,
Is what they had come to buy.
At first they debated who's motive was best,
At second, it came down to pride.
At third, it came down to calling on friends,
At fourth, it came down to who died.
For days, and weeks, the battle was fought,
Bloody, to say the least.
The whole time, Zaphod Beeblebrox watched,
Except when he was asleep.
Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters,
Will do that to you, you know.
Psychics, and Officers, and Jedi Masters,
Fought with deadly blows.
Mass destruction was everywhere,
And twice as much on Earth.
To think, a space-drive caused this nightmare!
How much could it be worth?
Desperate to survive the violence,
The three who started it hid.
Finally, all was quiet and silent,
Challenge them, one man did.
Out of the shadows stepped this hero,
Luke Skywalker, his name.
For all the distruction, the hosts of Ground Zero,
Were placed with all the blame.
While Rosencrantz, Shane, and Paul were tried,
The fight was won by the Jedi.
Though Susan and Seven were spared their lives,
Leia got to buy the drive.

- Lady Mab Of DragonHood dragonmab@hotmail.com

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Zaphod Beeblebrox, usually found watching Andromedian Triple-Breasted Whores on Galactic Cinemax with one head while simultaneously watching the Universe's Strongest Man competition on ESPN 2 with the other, will only recognize these three women from the last time he saw them on TV, and judge then accordingly by the station he saw them on.

Ivanova and the rest of the B5ers are now a mainstay on TBS, one of the above average basic cable stations. They bring him Movies For Guys Who Like Movies, they bring him WCW Nitro, they bring him his Wayne/Eastwood fix. In short, they let him live out his vicarious fantasies of shooting bad guys and never worrying about finding two empty stalls in a row so both heads can puke at the same time.

Seven of Nine, unfortunately, in syndicated. That means she's on UPN, which can't even get the respect that the WB gets. His mind looks at her and remembers faint, acrid whiffs of burning, screaming mattresses... oh yes, now he remembers, he threw the TV into the sleeping quarters in anger the last time he accidentally fell asleep viewing Judge Judy and had to wake up to the Sentinel.

And, princess Leia. Zaphod hasn't been out to the movies (or to a video store, he mainly just sits and sees how he can hold the remote, a beverage, a bag of trans-spacial pork rinds, and scratch himself with only three hands). So the only time he saw her was when a Star Wars movie was on TV. What channel was it on... that's right, the USA Network (U'll See Ass, the call letters translates into.) Oh, the sex and violence that Barry Diller's cable station of the proletariats has brought him over the years is priceless! From Raw is War, to USA Up All Night (he swore they showed a nipple two weeks ago), from Silk Stalkings to Pacific Blue, even back to the halcyon days of the USA Cartoon Express's Mr. T and the T Force and Johnny Quest... this is the station for him!

He gladly throws Leia the keys tot he Infinite Improbably Drive, then runs back to turn on his boob tube so he can catch the 864th showing of a eighth-generation print of Die Hard.

- Wubbie

- Seb Rabit

Thanks to this tip, the crack WWWF Anti-Cheating and Dirty Tricks Squad™ was alerted. Ironically, though the B5 Jihad (There Is No Jihad) did manage to stuff some votes, the Star Wars Jihad (There Is No Jihad) proved to be even more brazen, including an utterly shameless last minute 30+ vote effort from Rice University to push Leia over the top. The operatives chalk it up to a bigger marketing budget. Anyway, despite several attempts of the Jedi mind trick, those 30+ votes have been disqualified. Ironically, despite the reputation of Star Trek fans as rabid fanboys, there were no signs of anyone attempting to stuff Seven's box (no, that doesn't sound right). Apparently, there is no Star Trek Jihad (There Is A Jihad). -Eds.

- Patrickcirtap

- Denis "I know." Moskowitz

Commander Ivanova is second of command of B5, where this is held, and is so capable that she is called "God." Also, her universe is relatively probable. No way can she work near this device when it's on. Ivanova will knock herself out attempting a psychic assault on Leia, who puts up her first effective Force shield, and Seven, who rejects it because it's not from her collective--former Borg have great mental powers. (See Jean Luc Picard.) But it does give Seven a big migraine.

So, it's between Princess Leia and the lovely Seven. Which of these ladies would be *less* likely to get it if the engine weren't on--which will determines who'll get it since it is? And who can cope better with infinite improbability?

Princess Leia's situation is improbable, yes. Her dad is Darth Vader, who was born of a virgin and the Force <grimace>, and he destroyed the planet she was princess of. And there is that French kiss with her brother. But she can fight via the Force, a little, she can call for help, and her situation isn't anywhere near as improbable as Seven's. There's only a little high improbability here.

Seven of Nine is a personification of near-inifinite improbability: she is a half-disassermbled Borg, not linked to a collective, but not fully accepting independence. She was captured by Janeway, partly de-Borgified (wholly isn't possible for Trek meds yet), and impressed into the crew, and she's going along with it (impatiently) as if it were her idea. She's a loyal crewmember. Seven could take over the ship if she wanted, but she hasn't wanted anything on her own this badly since she got species 8472 captured (and got reprimanded for it). Earth hadn't been her home since she was a Borg, and she still wants to go!

Voyager and her captain are also infinitely improbable. There is no explaining how the ship got to the Delta Quadrant (from there, B5 is a hop, skip, and jump), and it's well known that the crew is having to conserve replicator rations so that the ship can keep replicating shuttles. Also its medical hologram is able to go anywhere despite being a hologram, and despite the tech not existing yet. And Janeway! Aside from her capturing Seven and convincing her she's a crewmember, and her noted ease of getting off-course, she is someone who loves Starfleet but (usually) hates the Prime Directive! Janeway has judged Q and seen the Q continuum! Needless to say, Voyager runs into extremely high improbability, or creates it, all the time, and the crew has learned to deal with it--that's a major theme of Trek, dealing with the infinitely improbable when you find it!

As Seven said, it is infinitely improbable that the ship will reach Earth without the Heart of Gold. Thus, it is infinitely improbable that she'll get it.

Seven beats Leia, narrowly--she's badly hurt but still conscious. But Janeway traps her in sickbay longer than necessary for endangering relations with Babylon 5 and the Rebel Alliance, as well as herself. Belanna tries to replicate the Heart of Gold so she can see how it works and still have one. The Heart of Gold then disappears into the system, destined to be part of yet another shuttle.

- Artless Dodger (and Trekkie)

......Which is when Seven and Leia notice him. Leia, as you said, is in a co-dependant relationship. And Seven is trying to learn more about humanity. So, seeing as he's handsome, british, and single, he's got a five second head start before they start chasing him around the station.

While the two rivals are trying to tackle Marcus, Ivanova 'convinces'(read: beats the living shit out of) Zaphod to give her the Infinite Improbability Drive, and procedes to get forty winks as hundreds of Ivanova clones to her every job and bidding.

- B5natic

- Joel Mathis

- Vomit Death

Now that I've finished rattling my Shaman-Sabre, I'm sorry to inform all Bab-5 and SW fans that it's gonna be the buxom borg bombshell, Seven of Nine.

We move on to actual skill. We're in a cargo bay, people, there's no calling on helpers or any of that bull, it's a Grudge Match as God intended- a regular, good ol' fashioned cat-fight. Now, the Russian Jews may be the most oppressed people in the universe... but there's a reason the were Oppressed, as opposed to SUppressing anyone- they can't hold their own in a fight. Then we have Leia... people, Carrie Fisher is like 3 feet tall. It'll be all she can do not to get STEPPED on while Seven and Ivanova are having at it. Plus, with those freakin' danishes on her ears, she'll be so top heave, a slight gust of wind could knock her over.

And, most important, we return to the terminology "bombshell". That's what they are: there's no arguement. Our dear lady Teri puts the WonderBra(tm) to shame. All she has to do is turn in the direction of her opponent, and they'll be knocked out of the way before she can finish swivling that supple, finely-curved torso....

<pause> excuse me, had drool to wipe off the key board.

Back to the fight- I'm not gonna talk about Ivanova, because she's really not worth mentioning- Leia's to friggin' short to menace anything other than the finish on Seven's stilleto heels.... And this is all reckoning withOUT the borg technology Seven still has at her disposal. Chalk one up for Seven.

- D@t@Kun

- Trooper TK

- RITH

Match over....

- Robert

Shane has obviously been assimilated. He backed Data in Spock Versus Data, so he's always shown android sympathies... his win-loss record is 0 for 3 (which isn't surprising when you back the French Army), so he's apparently decided joined a group which can kick ass -- the Borg.

Even if he wasn't backing Ivanova, I'd have no choice but to side with Paul, the only human commentator in this match.

- jason goodman

Due to the presence of the Infinite Improbability Drive, the LEAST likely combatant will win. The least likely one here is Ivanova, who is not only a sad clone of Bajoran Major Kira Nerys on DS9 but also pissed off 4 of the 5 fans of B5 by leaving and turning the fifth season to crap. HOWEVER,

Ivanova is now the Most Likely to Win, in virtue of being the Least Likely to Win. Therefore, the Infinite Improbability Drive's effect will cancel itself out and make Princess Leia, the middle candidate, the winner. Ain't probability physics a bitch?

Either that, or all the Star Wars Fanboys" will vote for Leia in memory of the famous Jabba Slave Girl Bikini" getup Carrie Fisher wore in ROTJ.

- "King" Arthur Dent

Trillian has packed her bags and is on the next spaceflight to Earth, leaving Zaphod abjectly alone. Maybe that's the reason he's been drinking so many Gargle Blasters...but I digress. Zaphod will be completely overcome by a beautiful woman begging for his help.

Can we all agree that Leia is *very* good at begging? :) In A New Hope, that's about all she does. Begs the Empire not to kill Alderaan. Begs Han to stay and help out the Alliance. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!" Clearly, she doesn't have an excellent track record.

However, if begging doesn't work, the lovely ladies will be forced to resort to sheer sex appeal. And Leia wins here too. Star Wars Fanboys (TM) have been fantasizing over that Leia-in-a-bikini scene for the past sixteen years. While Seven of Nine's costume leaves nothing to the imagination either, she has less of a popular base. It's a bit scary to fantasize about a woman who can assimilate you in ten minutes flat. And I don't mean the good kind of assimilate.

Besides, we all know that Zaphod's a Star Wars fan. :)

Finally, I bring up the issue of movies. How many movies has Carrie Fisher made? Lots and lots, so many that I don't even know them all. How many movies have the other two girls made? None. At least, to the best of my knowledge.

But the one thing that clinches Carrie the Infinite Improbability Drive is the fact that she was in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Sure, she plays a group therapist, but she manages to talk Dr. Evil's entire life story out of him! If that's not persuasion, I don't know what is.

And Zaphod always tries his best to be an intergalactic swinger...he says "Groovy" every so often and rarely, if ever, makes sense. He drinks heavily and has wild, unprotected sex with many different and anonymous alien lifeforms.

Princess Leia in a landslide. Plus I know you guys all like her better anyway. :)

- Mary :)
AKA The Chick with the Calculator-Watch, Apprentice Jedi

I disqualify the Babylon Five chick because I don't watch Babylon Five. I could make better computer space-graphics in my spare time.

Leia can use a gun, so that part's taken care of... if she somehow gets disarmed, she can just poke the other two to death with her uncommonly bony elbows. Plus, I figure Carrie Fisher is ghost-writing this script (she does it for everything else), and she'll just write it so she...

Wait. Hang on. Suddenly it got powerfully warm in here.

::Looks over and notices a discarded palm-leaf on the ground.::

Where's my fanning fan-boy?

::Notices a dish of grapes, only half of them peeled::

Something is wrong here. My bath isn't drawn yet, and my fan-boy staff has suddenly vanished.

::Looks over to the match and sees many of her fan-boys ogling the catifight with growing awe::

NOOO! Damn you, Ground Zero!! What have you done? The awesome power of the compiled competitors has suddenly sucked away my entire fan-club! My scores of adorable fan-boys: the ones attracted to my cunning wit, my lovely figure, my artistic masterworks, my extensive knowledge of the Cybertronian lifecycle, my ability to survive in difficult D&D campaigns, my fan-fiction authoring... THEY'RE GONE! All because of those...those FIENDISH HARPIES!!

Wait. Hold on a second...

WHO IS THAT CHICK WITH THE CALCULATOR WATCH??

YOU! Yes, you, with the Darth Maul T-shirt! Seize that interloper at ONCE!

What do you MEAN, "NO"?!

GAAAHHHH!!!!

Curse you, Ground Zero! Curse you until your dying day! For this injury, you will feel MY WRATH!!

- --Samus, the chick with the Metroid nickname,
--and fandom powers beyond those of mortal women...

Coming soon to a grudge match near you: Catfight: The Sequel... - Eds

- Joel

Hey, it worked on the commentators. - Eds

- Bjmmn

Advantages:

1. Ability to make every male in the quadrant's jaw drop to the floor in amazed awe.

2. Implants. No not those ones. The ones that fuel every fanboy geeks' dreams.

What does Leia have anyway? Last time I saw her negotiate anything, Alderaan got punked. She's got all the negotiating ability of Jar Jar Binks. While more comprehensible than him, she stands around tring to be cute and hoping no one kills her. And quite frankly I didn't see any mastery of the Force on her part. It doesn't take a 'master' of the force to get seduced by Harrison Ford.

Ivanova? Well, it IS Claudia Christian. Which means dozens, nay, hundreds of horrid B-Movies to her tribute. So we know that she CAN'T ACT. What else? The Russian Jew comment? I don't think so. She seems pretty downtrodden. If you had to get Sheridon's dirty undies, you'd probably have resigned to your fate long ago.

Basically, Jerry Ryan has uh, a huge profile. Borg Logic, and impeccably bad fashion sense to make her character the victor.

Oh, the space Battle comment by Rosencrantz? Incredibly Poor taste. I don't forget where it was said, but Lucas himself said that Star Wars' space ships use Laser (tm) technology. Well, that's all good and fun, but all of Star Trek's deflector shields automatically phase out lasers, making them USELESS. And what would B5 have in that battle? Shitty Computer Effects? Right.

- The Undertaker

- Mr. Potato Head

"Princess" Leia is disqualified. If you've looked at the updated Star Wars action figures, you'd see that Leia is a dude with a cinnamon bun wig.

7 of 9 is of the Borg Collective. They don't reproduce; they assimilate. Without reproduction skills, they are of a single sex. Sure, some have extra curves while others have 1 of 2 pattern baldness, but they are of neither gender. Therefore 7 of 9 is disqualified.

Unless some true female from Lost in Space or Battlestar Galactica shows up, Cmdr. Ivanova wins by default.

- Mark Wentz

Susan Ivanova was on "The A-Team" once.

Mr T. can whip those fools into shape.

Susan Ivanova is the winner, thanks to T. "I pity the fool who doesn't like...he."

- mf

Seven's Achilles heel is a bit subtler. A little known fact is that she was in love with a two-headed borg when she was part of the Collective™. Three and Four of Nine was killed by an Eddie in the Space-Time Continuum™, and ever since then Seven's been the victim of a maddening obsession with finding another two-headed man to satisfy her Implants. (If the good doctor had known, he would have changed his holographic appearance, but Seven was never known for being chatty.) Zaphod has of course stayed out of harm's way, so all Seven can do is stare at Zaphod's image over the ship's comm screen like a Bull Elephant in Must™. She's in the Hottie Zone™.

We all know who can best make use of a distraction. Leia also sneaked INTO a Hutt's palace. AND took advantage of another distraction by some certain Ewoks on a certain Forest Moon. AND has battle experience on a certain Ice Planet. She also has more RAGE™ than anyone but Arthur Dent, because she saw her own home world turned into an asteroid field. Not that Arthur Dent would be any distraction for Leia even if he were there (instead of on primordial earth with a rabbit bone stuck in his beard-avoiding the phone sanitizers) because even though Leia insists that she likes Nice Men™, we all know she only kisses them if they're her brother.

Leia strangles Seven with an unrolled cinnamon bun. Seven Out.

- Violet Fecalspray

Seven of Nine is right out, because who can she call on but the red shirt ensigns? Sure, their bodies will do a terrific job of littering the floor (see the classic "Red Shirt Ensigns vs. Stormtroopers" if you don't believe me) as they all die in creative ways involving the word "gagh". While I admit that this may be some annoyance to Ivanova, who has to clean up the station afterward, and Leia, who might get some bodily fluids on her pure white dress, I do not believe this yields Borg-girl any real advantage.

Leia calls on the whole rebel alliance. Pretty formidable, until you realize how lame most of the rebels (read: anyone who is not Wedge Antillies) are. ("Snub fighters against a star destroyer?" Shesh, how much more lame can you get?) These guys were out of work actors that were basically pulled off the street. Porkins does present something of a gross-out factor, but as Ivonova and Seven have titanium-clad stomachs (and brassiers, in one case,) it is only enough to pull Leia to second place.

So the match goes to Ivanova, who has the home field advantage. And of course, the secret weapon: The Rangers. They are a can of whoop-ass waiting to happen. Recall that Marcus took out a huge crowd in a down-below dive all by himself. Clearly, he alone could take out all the red-shirts and about half of the rebels. It's all over when the pike comes out.

As Ivanova walks away with the heart of gold, Zaphod turns to Seven of Nine. "You know, you remind me of a very young Trillian. . . "

- Guildenstern

- Peter Smith

Now, seeing as I'm a loser, I went through and painstakingly researched this match-up (let's just say I did more research for this than I did for any of the last 4 papers I've written here at college).

It turns out that when any of the Star Trek franchise ventures into the Grudgeverse, they don't come back. Their overall record is at 3 wins, 6 losses all-time. One of their wins was by Khan (a Star Trek baddie); another by the Borg (another ST baddie); the third was Spock.

He defeated Data. So Star Trek only wins when the bad guys are fighting or when they fight one another. Pathetic. Of their 6 losses, one has come at the hands of Babylon 5; three others come at the hands of Star Wars, while Wesley was Killed and Mangled along with Barney. Truly pathetic. Track records and history show that Seven of Nine, while being the one I'd most love to see in a good catfight (read: buck-ass nekkid and sweaty) cannot win.

Babylon 5 has limited play in the Grudgeverse , their only experience being pasting that pansy Deep Space Nine group. But they are still green, and when facing the hardened veteran (ie, Star Wars) they just don't measure up.

Star Wars has faced and pummelled some stiff competition; their three losses were Vader to Obi-Wan, the Death Star to John McClane, and the Ewoks, those pathetic little teddy bears. But the Stormtroopers have laid waste to a whole lotta Red Shirted Ensigns, the Death Star did unto the Enterprise as my car windshield does unto mosquitoes, Chewbacca defeated Worf in deadly combat, and Boba Fett destroyed the Predator. And let's not forget that George Lucas is fresh off his recent trouncing of the other Bearded Wonder, Spielberg. So Star Wars has the experience, they have the most proven track record, and they have the most loyal and annoying fanboys.

Honestly though, if I could just watch these three Sci-Fi hotties tear one another's clothes off, I don't give a damn who wins.

- Adam B.

7 of 9- Prepare to be reduced to your component biological organs. Voyager needs the drive to return to earth.

Ivanova- HELLO! Why don't you just use the jumpgate? It only takes three or four days to get to earth that way!

7 0f 9- I apologize, the high amount of stupidity on Voyager seems to be affecting my analytical abilities. May I transfer aboard this station?

As for Princess Leia, sure, she sucks at physical combat, which is why she'll have the rebel forces from Return of the Jedi attack the station (inside and out).

The problem with this? Unlike Voyager, B5 has a competent security force. They suck at preventing problems, but once Garabaldi enters the fray, combats over.

The last thing Leia will ever hear, as she is telekinetically choked to death by Kosh is:

(odd chiming music): Don't f*ck with the boss.

- Shadowknight

1) Are these women hotties?
Seven of Nine: Most certainly
Princess Leia: Once, maybe, but not since Episode VI and the bikini scenes
Cmdr. Ivanova: Matter of taste, but she definitely flips my waffles, if ya know what I mean

2) Would I kick them out of bed for eating crackers?
Seven of Nine: No
Princess Leia: No, unless they were saltines
Cmdr. Ivanova: No

3) Have they ever done it with another chick?
Seven of Nine: No
Princess Leia: No
Cmdr. Ivanova: YES!

3) Even done a nude scene that I can download from alt.binaries.celebrities.nude?
Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan): No
Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher): No
Cmdr. Ivanova (Claudia Christian): YES!

4) Married and/or have children?
Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan): Yes
Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher): Yes
Cmdr. Ivanova (Claudia Christian): NO!

5) Chance, no matter how infinetessimal, I have of ever hooking up with one of these women:
Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan): 0.02% (chance meeting at Star Trek convention)
Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher): 0.00% (no chance in Hell, baby)
Cmdr. Ivanova (Claudia Christian): 0.05% (Sierra doing Bab5 space sim game, I happen to work for Sierra; also, actors from show to be used for voiceovers from game, I also direct audio sessions...you do the math!)

Given these criteria, I must give my vote to Cmdr. Susan Ivanova. Long may she reign! Come back, Claudia, all is forgiven! Schwing!

- Diamondback

- happyDubo

- Al B Tross

- CompleteFool

- Darth Brooks

- Sean

Seven of Nine by a... never mind.
(This is a public forum after all).

- Leisure Suit Larry

- Raven C.

- Mick

Leia - sure, she was good looking at some time in the distant past, but she's no longer in her prime. Leia goes down (not that way) in a heartbeat.

Seven of Nine - nice. Realy nice. The kind of thing young guys between the ages of 13 and 35 dream about. A definate Babe with a capital "B". However, those borg implants and lack of emotion could take a bit away.

Susan Ivanova - Very nice. The kind of girl you want to drop by at work and ask you if you mind having a relationship with her based on casual sex if nothing else would work. I'm telling you, she has the Babe Factor in oozing out of her poors. It also helps that Claudia Cristian did a topless scene in one of her movies.

So, as you can plainly see, Ivanova HAS to win, so the hottest babe can go on to defend her title in future matches.

- System Ghost

- Shaft (Bet you didnt expect that!)

Ivanova: First of all, about her telepathic powers. She has been considered a P One-half. What that means is that she can block out other people's mind-reading attempts a little. That's it. Also, I was never into that "Ivanova is God" stuff. She was pretty cool. But she also left the series the year before it ended. Even though I am Jewish with mostly Russian blood, I am not swayed.

Leia: On this one, I'm going to assume that we're talking only about the movies. So let's discount the Jedi powers. Barring that, what methods of attack does she have? She has her little blaster rifle that burned a hole in a Stormtrooper's armor. Impressive. She can strangle slugs with a chain. She can dazzle with her dignity and charm. But none of those will win her this match.

Seven: Well, first I must say that Voyager is a very crappy extension of a good series of shows. Anyway, her name is Seven. Yeah, I'm intimidated. In one of the trailers for "next week's episode" there was some time-travelling thingy in which Seven is has a double. They actually said "Two times the Seven." That makes Fourteen of Nine, producers. About her ability to fight, well, she has a phaser. Again, I'm really intimidated.

So that leaves no one. Personally, I think Xena will show up to this Battle of the Broads and kick some ass. I don't think anyone can doubt her fighting ability.

By the way, I want everyone who may be reading this to know that I don't like Xena the show. Every once in a while, I'll tune in so as to look at Gabrielle in those skimpy outfits.

- Zedd

Zedd would like to announce the opening of foundation of his own chapter of the Xena Fan Club. - Eds

WHETHER MORE TREKKIES OR STAR WARS GEEKS COME TO THE SITE.

That's all that matters in this fight. If more Trekkies come, then they'll vote for seven (also because they're all 34+ year old virgins, and they like the implants, no not the borg ones either, those implants.) If more Star Wars geeks come, then Leia will win because she was in Star Wars. And i have no clue in hell who the other lady is, so I'm not going to touch that one.

I bet half of the Trekkies/Star Wars Geeks won't even read the arguement.

- stap

The Trekkie/Lucas fanboys weren't a problem, but we did have trouble putting down the Trillian Suicide Commandoes. Thank Bob for the Iron Fist. - Eds

Ivanova lowers the smoking rifle and shrugs
"fine by me"

End of Fight

Besides the only force the Star Wars ppl are feeling is gas!

- We are the Borg "It takes a collective to raze a village"

Ivanova, on seeing Seven's Borg implants mistakes her for a Shadow agent and before you know it, Seven is floating back to Earth. Then, despite trying to stay awake Ivanova manages to grab the glowing orb and suddenly feels revitalised..like she's been sleeping in light (could'nt resist the pun, sorry).

With a glint in her eye she turns to Leia. 'Dark Jedi, huh? They can't be any worse than pissed off First Ones, reporters or Garibaldi before he's had 3 cups of coffee in the morning'.

With that, Ivanova takes the forces of the Interstellar Alliance to join with Leia's Rebel Alliance and they kick Dark Jedi butt.

Oh yes, and the Force was with them, in Valen's Name!

- Nicky Lewer

- Don Meyers

- Ju

For all the above reasons, Princess Leia should obviously win.

         Loadsa Love
            Dork Doh!
               xxx

- The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

This man either needs heavy medication or a spot as a guest commentator. - Eds

THE END

Moral: Never go back for your bag. Or rather, know when to go back for it and when not to. (Read the books if you don't get it)

- Could recite Hitchhiker. Pathetic, isn't it.

No matter what humiliating defeat Leia comes to, the SE will keep her royal butt on top. In the original footage, Ivanova of Canceled 5 and Seven of Nine team up against the peacekeeper, and Seven of Nine ends up assimilating the entire crew. When Butcher George sees this, he retouches it a little bit. First of all, Ivanova is completely edited out, she's got a station to run (not that she did much of that either). Seven of Nine's backup, the Borg cube, is also edited out. Then comes the two-hour added footage of Leia being trained as a Jedi, and the final battle between Seven of Nine and Leia is completely redone. Just as soon as Leia is about to eat it, Borg style, Lucas throws in some freinds from his new movie, and his old ones. In comes Liam Neeson (as Darkman, who was super strong, and just made himself look like Garibaldi); Ewan McGregor and Sir Alec Guiness, master Jedi; Mark Hamill and the entire cast of the Wing Commander games, including the Kilrathi (but noone from that crappy movie); Harrison Ford and the entire Secret Service from Air Force One; and Samuel L. Jackson (from Pulp Fiction, with John Travolta). They proceed to beat the schmootz out of Seven of Nine, turning her into Zero of Eight. And they all pilot X-wings outta there, as Zero of Eights Borg implants (and those ones too) explode, destroying once and for all Babylon 5, and the wet dreams of many sci-fi geeks.

And make that pizza delivery, not DiGiorno(TM).

- Juan Cortez, conquistador for hire

- Evan D.

This match is being held in close proximity of an infinite improbability drive! So, here's the play by play.

Secen of Nine immediately awakens to the fact that her current life is in fact her 56,347th life in a long string of reincarnations, and that each previous life was snuffed out prematurely by one Commander Ivanova. She then attacks Ivanova in a rage, yelling about the gross injustice that has been committed, telling Ivanova the stories of life after life after life that Ivanova ended. When she tells the one about being killed on Stravromula Beta, however, Ivanova is puzzled because she's never been there! In her rage, Seven destroys the station, and a depressed Ivanova goes to earth and visits a club named Stavro Mueller Beta....

*poof* - bye-bye earth, and that entire plane of reality.

This nixes both Seven and Ivanova, because they originally come from Earth. However, Leia (and her universe) survive. Leia gets the Infinite Improbability drive, but it does her little good, as it has affected her mind.

She proceeds to seduce Chewbacca, C-3PO, Mon Mothma, Luke, and Wedge Antilles (Not necessarily in that order) just to piss off Solo. Luke snaps and turns to the dark side, and kills everyone, except Leia, who shoots him dead. She later meets her ugly end when she tries to work her feminine wiles on the Sarlacc.

- Rial, The prophet of Nyrf

- WatchCommander Harbringer

- Chandler Bing

...Resistance is futile; You will be assimilated; Go and see Episode One; Vote for Leia; Resistance is futile; You will be assimilated; Buy action figures; Vote for Leia...

- Run, run for your lives!

- Babylon what?

- Visit my homepage.

After the preliminaries, When Leia decides it is time to finish things off, she rips of her white frock revaeling Jabba's Galvanized Bikini.

Using the Force she uncoils the metal spirals that make up the top of her bikini and spear both Seven and Ivanova. This shorts out Seven's implants, leaving her helpless (imagine a Boneless Chicken, ala the Farside). The Biocyberneticelecto-shock from Sevens Shorted out systems travel along the galvanized bikini top (Leia protects herself with the Force) and eletrocutes Ivanova.

Leia is victorious, Smoking Bikini and all.

- Gyrfalcon

This is a visualization excercise if I ever saw one. - Rosencrantz

- Rev Terrel

Leia whirls to face her next threat. "My analysis shows that a tetrion burst from my tricorder will render your weapon useless," says Seven of Nine, "leaving me free to shoot you. As my Captain would say, 'Nothing personal.'"
"But this is the Babylon 5 universe," interrupts Beeblebrox. "There are 'No extraneous technobabble' signs all over the place. How did you miss them?"

It is appropriate that the expression on Seven's face resembles the one that Wile E. Coyote gets when he realizes he's run off a cliff, because a moment later she drops through the floor of the cargo bay, leaving only a jagged hole in the decking to prove she was ever there. "I don't get it," says a puzzled Leia as the sounds of Seven plunging through the next ten decks fade. "What just happened?"
Beeblebrox smiles. "The Borg are an efficient race, even their breast implants are dual-purpose. They're made of tritanium with neutronium cores, providing the wearer with extra Fanboy Appeal TM as well as vital organ protecion and a Shimmy AttackTM. Of course, you need a very powerful anti-grav bra to make it work, otherwise it's like two sweasocks with anvils in them. Her lingerie probably uses a bazongatron particle matrix, so it can't function in a low-technobabble environment."
"Well then...will you take a check for that Drive?"

A suggestion before I go, gentlemen. Reschedule the next match and explore the one that logically progresses from this one: The inevitable fight after the inevitable love triangle between R2D2, C3PO and Marvin the Paranoid Android. It can't miss.

- Mr. Silverback- Unfortunately, my Episode I cameo (Flatulent Sith Apprentice #6) was left on the cutting room floor.

But what about the inevitable R2D2 - C3PO - Marvin the Paranoid Android love triangle?

THIRD PLACE - Ivonova. She was replaced by Cat Grant and thus has a replacement quotient of -342.

SECOND PLACE - Princess Leia. Replaced by that queen girl (dang, I forget the name!) but since her character has not been born yet in the new film, her RQ is higher, about -65.

FIRST PLACE goes to Seven of Nine, as she replaced Kes as Voyager's premium totty, giving her a RQ of 138.

It's also worth noting that both Ivonova and Leia are the only females in their crews (Dilenn doesn't count anymore), while Voyager has a female Captain and Engineering Chief. Seven wins.

- Scotty

Thank you for playing, girls. As consolation prizes, Susan recieves a year's supply of Centauri hair gel and Seven gets a years supply of Ablative Turtle Wax.

- Riff

Then we have Seven of Nine. Who would normally, I'm sure, be able to beat just about anybody in this matchup. I guess. I don't know; I never watch that show anyway. But there's a hidden factor against her here -- the Pissed-Off Guy from Beyond the Grave(tm) factor. How did Seven of Nine earn this enmity -- by her commentator, who mentioned the dread Taco Bell-KFC-Pizza Hut commercialization of the Force, which not only made a mockery of all self-respecting Star Wars fans, but of Colonel Sanders himself, who has been dead for some time. And this mockery is sure to make the old dignified Colonel spin in his grave even faster than the Sanders vs. Reddenbacher matchup. Endowed with the Rage (tm) and the Power of Unlife (tm), he will annihilate anything related to this mockery and, thanks to an unfortunate error on the part of Shane, this includes Seven of Nine.

Which leaves me in the odd position of voting for Ivanova, despite not knowing who the heck she is.

- mrl

In fact, nothing related to Star Trek will ever win anything ever again! They won't...They CAN'T!!! Not after what they did to DS9...
...We will never forget...
...We will never forgive!!!

- The Animator...a fanboy...no more...

HOLD YOUR FIRE... Fanboy season doesn't open until October. Until then, keep cleaning those rifles... - Eds

A better question though, might be if the force can go through shields. If so...Leia might be able to pull all sorts of tricks.

Imagine:

Leia: "This is not the improbability drive you are looking for."
7: "That is illogical."
Leia: (waving hand and speaking with a british accent she had for a second in the first movie): "This is not the improbability drive you are looking for."
7: "Redundant. Illogical" (tries to move away)
Leia: (gets in the way,lets go of her anger, stretches out with her feelings, uses control, feels the force flow through her and around her and desperately tries once more) "THIS IS NOT THE IMPROBABILITY DRIVE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR."
007: "That is...not...the improbability drive...we..are...looking...for?" (stunned silence..shakes head, goes back to an alcove to regenerate.
So in a 7/Leia match, it's pretty even, though over all, I'd probably bet on Leia just because she and her franchise has so much more potential then voyager or star trek.

- Chronos

- squiggy mcjackass

- - Panache.

- Chamberlain

Ivanova starts the fight by hitting SevenofNine across the jaw. SevenofNine stumbles back stunned but quickly recovers. Leia steps back screaming for the other two to stop this foolish fighting. SevenofNine dives into Ivanova midsection sending both onto the ground in a heap. Leia continues to scream at the two crazed women to find a peaceful solution to this problem.

Ivanova and SevenofNine have both made it to their feet at this time and both have pulled their weapons out aiming at each other. Leia has seen enough. She calms herself and begins to let the force flow through her as Luke has taught her. Suddenly both weapons fly from Ivanova and Sevenof Nine and lands in front of Leia.

Leia saids "Please stop this foolish fighting. We can come to some kind of agreement".

This only makes Ivanova and SevenofNine scream in rage and run toward Leia. Since Leia sees herself in mortal danger she draws the lightsaber that Luke made her and quickly cuts both Ivanova and SevenofNine heads off. A moment of silence then occurs with Leia crying over the fallen foes.

- John Frady

- Kilgore Trout

- Michael Moon

Second and more importantly is the Male Hormone factor. Sure, people may talk about Princess Leia's metal bikini, but Claudia Christian is going to appear NUDE in Playboy! With that sort of swwwing! factor motivating any male onlookers, Ivanova should have no trouble giving Princess Leia an entirely new hairstyle... braided around five ton weights headed towards the sun. Looks like it'll be boom today after all.

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Now, in both Star Wars and B-5, most battles are won or lost by fighters. So lets examine each sides respective fighters:
--Star Wars fighters(X-wings, B-wings, and Y-wings)are fast. Very fast. But look at how they fly. They're not Space Fighters(tm), they're fancy jets that fly in space.
--B-5 fighters (Starfuries and White Stars) are true Space Fighters (tm). They are Space Fighters because they obey the laws of physics. In space, there is no friction, so you only need to use your engines once and then you can coast.

To see how this will affect the fight, lets look at a little scenrio.
-A squad of X-wings chases a squad of Starfuries.
-The Starfuries fire a short burst from their thrusters and rotate 180 degrees.
-They are now facing their pursuers, WHILE STILL GOING FULL SPEED IN THEIR ORIGIONAL DIRECT!
-Starfuies open fire.
-X-wing pilots are caught totaly off guard and are quickly wiped out.

- Lt. Warren Keffer. Starfury pilot.

1)She's the only combatant who's not encumbered by a ridiculous spandex suit. Those things can't breathe well, meaning that Seven of Nine and Ivanova will tire quickly. Leia's outfit, on the other hand, appears to be made of 100% cotton meaning she'll stay cool under fire.

2)Leia's hairdo is incredibly similar to those helmets that Olympic boxers wear. Her hair therfore provides a natural defense for her head.

Seven of Nine and Ivanova were beaten before they even stepped on the field.

- King of No Media

It is at this point that the REAL power behind the ship formerly known as the Heart of Gold steps forward and knocks both of Zaphod's heads into Sweet Oblivion(TM) with a Krikkit Bat: Trillian.

Trillian, will of course, recognize a Kindred Spirit(TM) in Ivanova. After all she has to deal with clueless Earthmen, killer aliens and Marvin the Paranoid Android, which, when we get right down to it, is pretty much the same BS that Susan has to put up with on B5.

And I don't CARE what the votes say! Since it's improbable that Susan Ivanova's gonna win, it only stands to reason that the Infinite Improbabilty Drive is hers by default!!

- cygnia

- The Dungeon Master

- -The Mystic Mongoose

- Elbows

- Sang H. Kim

Examining scenario...
Examination complete.

Scanning participants...
Scanning complete.

The current Borg Queen speaks.

"Ivanova, Susan. Human. Babylon 5 character. Verdict: Irrelevant.

"Organa, Princess Leia. Human. Star Wars character. Verdict: Irrelevant.

"Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct to Unimatrix 01. Disconnected Borg. Star Trek character. Verdict: Re-assimilate to add distinctive features to our own.

"Zaphod Beeblebrox. Species unknown, despite having heard of him. Verdict: Re-assimilate to add distinctive features to our own."

Wordlessly, a group of Borg drones beam down to recapture Seven and to assimilate Zaphod.

The Borg materialize next to Ivanova and Leia, who promptly begin attacking the drones instead of each other. Because they are merely irrelevent creatures, they are instantly killed by the Borg.

No matter what happens to Seven at this point, she's clearly the victor of this match, being the only contestent remaining. But, for the sake of our little storyline... Smartly, Seven taps her communicator, requests to be beamed aboard Voyager, and grabs the Infinite Improbability Drive, letting poor old Zaph be assimilated by the Borg.

- Julie "Juliebug" Martin

Truthfully though I just voted for her cause she was in Drop Dead Fred. Now *there's* a real classic. The problem with sci-fi films is that they don't feature an annoying, speech-impeded tard guy who doesn't really exist, unless you count Jar-Jar.

- Matthew O. Threat

Ivanova has enough of those two bimbos, and call Zack on the comlink. Pity SevenOfNine and Leia if they even try to resist Ivanova or the Narns.

The scene shifts to B5's holding cells where SevenOf Nine tries the latest Trek-technobabble to call Janeway using a borg implant, a power outlet, and a hairpin; and Leia lounges on the cell bed singing "Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen.." in bass tones.

- Trey

What does this prove? Simple, the Star Trek franchise, no matter who is representing them has no chance. This leaves us with Babylon 5 and Star Wars. Lets look at those match-ups... WHAT? THIS CAN'T BE! B5 AND STAR WARS NEVER WENT AT IT? THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!! HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO JUDGE? OH THE HUMANIADRHtg---

I'm horribly sorry. I heard a loud pop and came in to find my brother's head had exploded. In his absence, I am voting for Ivanova because she is most likely going to be the one who spaces the other two.

Now then, where's the Windex?

- Brother of BOB, slayer of the wild spams

*moment of silence for Deforrest Kelly*
*sniff*

- Hurricane Andrew

So not everyone is a sucker for a pretty face

Just look at choice #1: Susan clearly is the proverbial girl in a gilded cage. She's a prop. She thinks she's a fox. Check her expression, it's "Don't you just wish you could touch me?" She can't fight, she wouldn't want to muss her beautiful hairdo. Now for choice #2: This one might be the more formidable adversary for Princess L. However she is clearly used to fighting with men, not other women. How is this so apparent? Look at her pectoral garb, it's clearly a metallic armor underneath, that's where she figures a man would try to get control of her. Not a particularly insurmountable obstacle for another woman. Now look at the photo of the winner. Such a sweet smile, such a plain hairdo, just reminds you of your own mother, right? Well, we have a complete dossier on all of you guys. We know what you were up to back when you were 14, or 13, or some of you even 12 years old. You know how defeated you were when your own mother caught you at it. Princess L. understands there are far more effective ways of destroying an opponent than just physical combat. She completely understands subtlety, wiliness, even a little mild deceit (white lies) serves her very well. She can work behind the scenes skulldugery, without her opponents even knowing it has happened to them. this is by far the most effective way of screwing someone, they never try to get even with you. First thing S.I & 7/9 will know is their contracts have been canceled, they are blacklisted and out of work. And wily P.L. will even comisserate with them.

- Salt Man

- Fire and Ice

- Smackboy

- Jon

- The Griffon Master "Hi, I'm Griff, and I'm a Devinaholic"

1. Our heroines are "good," and we all know that good guys (or gals), even if tricked into fighting, always learn the truth before it's too late and get to gang up on the villain.

2. All of these women have brains as well as brawn, and are quite capable of seeing where their true enemy is. In this case, the enemy is the two-headed, three-armed chauvinist pig trying to force a cat fight for his own personal viewing pleasure.

So, although we might get a few seconds of good old-fashioned top-tearing cat fight, there will be an inevitable moment when, bosoms (barely covered by tattered remains of their original clothing) heaving, our heroines ask themselves:

"Why am I fighting my sisters like this when I could be tearing the smug grins off that bastard's faces?"

Zaphod lasts less than three seconds, and that only because Seven, Leia and Ivanova each grab an arm and "make a wish," so they can determine fairly who gets the Infinite Improbability Drive.

Unfortunately, they all get roughly equal sized chunks of torso, so they have to search for another solution.

"Do you think he was lying to us about having only one?" asks Leia.
"Men lie constantly, and if he has some more, we can each take one, and solve our problem without strengthening the Dark Side of the Force."

"That would be nice," retorts the cynical Ivanova, "But what are the odds of him having three or more of something that valuable?"

"6,725,146,900,561.54 to 1" answers Seven, automatically.

All the women look at each other; "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" they say, simultaneously.

Seven quickly adjusts the controls of the IID to 6,725,146,900,561.54 to 1, and gives it a jolt of power from her Borg "implants."

A short ransacking of Zaphod's ship later, everyone goes home happy. (Except for the GM viewers, who were hoping for more clothes tearing.)

- smartinlass

Phasers set to stun, blaster humm and the PPG whines. Then the ropes fall from the ceiling. Black suited operatives absail down and grab Seven of Nine, hoisting her into the Black Hawk copter. It's the Paramount specail forces. Seven awakes faced with the Big Bad Head of Paramount.

'Sorry Seven, we couldn't let you do it. We can't let Voyager return home. We've got you on contract for 8 million more episodes, though we've only got three plots. Oh well. You will of course have your memory erased. Bwahahaha.'

Susan and Leia stand off, blaster and ppg flash. Thanks to the imporbability effects, Leia gets the million to one drop on the military trained Susan.

Engaging the drive she leans back, confident she has saved the republic. Then the storm troopers burst in, fire of round after round of highly acurate blasters into Leias now chared corpse. Oops, didn't hink tha through did you Leia.

Back on the Bridge of B5.
'Capatain, theres something comming, my god, it's, it's huge.'

12 miles long by three miles in diameter, it's the new rebuilt by nano bots Red Dwarf. A starbug aproaches and docks. Ace Rimmer leaps into the bar. The security chief 'i wanna be Bruce Willis' Garabaldi looses off ppg rounds, they have no effect on Rimmers hard light drive.

'Ill have that Zaphod, me old mucker, we need the infinite improbability drive to help stave off the virus eating the petite rouge one so we can start filming series nine, besides, you haven't paid the tax on moving an English fictional prop into an American series. Smoke me a Kipper, I'll be back for Breakfst.'

ith a pop and a flash The Red Dwarf vanishes and B5 spontaneously turns into pinaple upsidedown cake.

- Seb Rabit

- Whit Fisher

- -Ken

- Three

Considering the three institutions involved, it only seemed appropriate that there would be a sequel. If even this response file isn't enough, please visit our Ritalin™ Reading Room for more stuff. They are perfect for a leisurely Sunday visit to the bathroom...

THE FINAL WORD...™

They all lose. None of them know where their towels are.

--Billy Jo Jimbob C. Riley Jr.

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Babylon 5 v. Deep Space Nine
Ellen Ripley v. Sarah Connor
Other Star Wars™ based Grudge Matches™

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