The following scenario (and match) contain a major spoiler to the movie
"The Shawshank Redemption". If you haven't seen "Shawshank"...
well, then you obviously don't watch TNT. If you don't want it ruined for you,
then go rent it before starting this match.
As the new arrivals enter the compound, a group of veteran detainees gather around to check them out. Soon, bets of cigarettes are made based on which one they think will break first and beg for an immunity deal. Akbed Al-Kawhiri picks out the tall slender one from New England. Mohammed el Tiririkhan puts two packs on the older gentleman from the Bay Area. Lots of wagers change hands as no one can seem to agree.
The two men have other plans, however. Neither of them plans on breaking first, but rather they plan on breaking OUT first. And as soon as that evening, both begin planning on their own on how to get out and get to freedom.
So, Steve, does Andy Dufresne or Frank Lee Morris get out of Gitmo?
STEVE: I've gotta go with Frank Lee Morris on this one. He did the impossible once before -- he escaped from Alcatraz. And that escape has a lot more in common with Guantanamo bay than some backwoods hick prison in Maine.
First of all, Alcatraz was an island, and so is Cuba. Any escape from Gitmo requires a multi-faceted escape strategy. A simplistic Andy Dufresne "just dig 'til I hit the sewer" approach isn't going to help you out at all. Frank has shown he has the planning skills to pull this off. Constructing a raft from raincoats, turning fans into drills, creating a papier mache dummy to mask his absence, carefully choosing alliances, etc. Frank has many talents, and the patience and fortitude to carry it off. And he can do it while protecting himself from the more, shall we say, "physically needy" prisoners.
On the other hand, Andy's only hope is to befriend the warden and help him make some money on the side. But that just isn't going to happen in Guantanamo. There's no work leave in this prison, and there's certainly no money to be had across the fence in Cuba proper. Take away the money angle, and Andy might as well be in the Phantom Zone (tm). Plus, I don't know if Andy has the inner strength to handle this prison. There won't be any rooftop beer drinking. No classical music records over the PA system. No libraries of books to take his mind away from his situation. It took him years and years to escape a simple state prison filled with luxuries. I suspect after just a few months in a real prison, they'll soon have to start removing the bedsheets so there won't be any suicides.
Really, if Andy wants to escape, his only real hope is to team up with an experienced master, Frank Morris.
BRIAN: Speaking of rooftop beer drinking, you may want to hold off on such activities while writing your commentary.
You're missing one major, major point: Morris busted out as part of a team. If you put Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson and James Coburn into Gitmo, I'm sure they could bust out faster than either of these guys. But that's not exactly fair now, is it? What can Morris do on his own, without the astronaut? Just because he's from the Bay Area doesn't make him Dirty Harry. He'll need lots of help to pull this off, and unless he's converted to Islam recently, I don't think he's going to get it. Dufresne, however, worked entirely on his own. Sure, he got some supplies from Red, but that's SOP in any prison. One carefully placed Thelma & Louise poster, and Andy's good to go.
And the lack of work and work leave will be a big problem for ol' Frank. Let's not forget that Morris' entire plan rotated around smuggling pieces of metal out of the shop building, by tricking the guard at the metal detector. You try that at Gitmo, and photos of your body cavities end up on The Drudge Report (tm). All of Morris's strengths will be useless.
Dufresne, however, is much more adaptable. He finds weaknesses and exploits them. The weakness in the integrity of the prison: found it, exploited it. The weakness in the warden: found it, exploited it. He'll find the weaknesses at Gitmo and figure an escape route. And are you trying to tell me that Colonel Nathan Jessup doesn't have dirt that Andy can dig up and use against him? His past as a werewolf? His time in a nut house? Or how about those "skeletons" he left at that hotel in Colorado? Andy will have an easier time with Jessup than he did with Norton.
And don't overlook Andy's ability to make the right friends, either. Before long, Lt. Kendrick's beating Morris like a corrupt prison guard beats a sadistic homosexual inmate.
STEVE: Sometimes I wonder if intelligence is starting to leak from your head now that you live in Alabama. I can't believe you think Andy could possibly win this.
While we're talking about missing major points, all your so-called faults about Frank Morris are only looking at a single escape. Why do you think he was in Alcatraz in the first place? Because he escaped from everywhere else they put him. In fact, he escaped three times from other prisons before the feds resorted to Alcatraz. Alcatraz was supposed to be the one place that could finally contain him. The unescapable prison. The place they sent the worst of the worst. And even this tribute to confinement couldn't hold the unstoppable Frank Morris. And what did Andy have? A single escape from a nowheresville state prison that took him twenty years to pull off. Hardly the resume of a champion prisonbreaker.
Finally, let's not forget the line between fiction and reality. Frank was a real guy, who actually pulled this off. His deeds are responsible for the closure of Alcatraz -- he did the impossible and they shut down the "unescapable" prison. Andy however is a silly creation of Stephen King, who brought you other idiocies such as a possessed car, a haunted hotel, and a crazy woman who maims her favorite author. Sure, he makes a good movie, but the BS content is off the scale. Only Morris, firmly grounded in reality, has a chance to win this one. Honestly, if you're going to go with a completely fictitious character, Steve McQueen from The Great Escape and Papillon should have been your man. But not Tim "Nuke" Robbins. Ugh.
BRIAN: You think living in Alabama causes a leak of intelligence? Maybe for some of the year, but may I remind you that down here we can actually go outside between November and March? Living in New Jersey, I'll bet your cabin fever has reached it's boiling point, and it's coming through in your ramblings. Forgotten what the sun looks like yet? Don't worry. It'll be back in May.
Weather reports aside, there's one more point that's being overlooked here: Frank Lee Morris is, in all probability, dead. Fish food. Shark dung. Artificial reef. I know his disciples (such as yourself) would like to claim that because they never found him, it's proof he escaped. Sorry, but I think it's just proof that he got eaten before he washed up somewhere.
For the sake of argument, though, I'll give Frank a chance. Let's say that Frank and Andy both manage to get out of Gitmo (a big concession on my part). Then the race comes down to getting to safety (and, in another act of generosity, I'll ignore the fact that while you were bragging up Morris' escape experience, you overlooked the fact the he got that by repeatedly getting caught and reimprisoned.)
Once out of Gitmo, there are only two options: 1.) Stay in Cuba or 2.) Leave Cuba. Option 1 obviously favors Andy. Who's going to fit in better? A lefty such as Tim Robbins will be embraced by Fidel Castro, while Clint will be cut down like the no good conservative that he is. True, he was technically unaffiliated as Mayor of Carmel, but anybody that carries that many big guns has to be a Republican. As for Option 2, it's well known that Andy has his complex plans well thought out for the best possible outcome. That means he'll plan his escape all the way to the end point, so he likely ends up in the Cayman Islands with some of Ashcroft's own money. Morris? He'll just inflate something and try to kick over to the nearest land mass which, of course, is Haiti. Viva la Revolution. If they're lucky, UN investigators will find enough of his remains to enter into evidence at Aristide's war crimes tribunal.
Dufresne gets out first? Dufresne doesn't get out at all, if you ask me. People assume he'll make it because of their Shawshank Redemption maths:
Tim Robbins + disloyal wife + wrongly accused of murder + thrown in a hole + bad men touching him + daring escape = Robbins painting his yacht on a sunny Mexican beach
Which is all well and good, except they're forgetting that a new and all-important factor has been thrown into the mix: Clint Eastwood. And anybody who's seen Mystic River knows:
Tim Robbins + disloyal wife + wrongly accused of murder + thrown in a hole + bad men touching him + daring escape + Clint Eastwood = Robbins lying at the bottom of a river with a bullet in his brain
Therefore, poor old Andy will probably get a Tommy Williams special from a corrupt Gitmo guard in his first week.
- Flag and Hat Boy
It's all a question of who is willing to get screwed. Clint won't let himself get screwed, and that's why he'll win. To whit:
Consider Superficial transitive property #1:
Superficial transitive property #2:
Superficial transitive property #3:
Superficial transitive property #4:
Superficial transitive property #5:
DAMN IT! The logical foundations of superficial transitive movie association fail. FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!
Oh, the pain . . . the pain . . .
Oh well. In a world where Nuke LaLoosh is the best supporting actor and Jeff Spicoli is the best actor, I guess we're all screwed.
- Dr. Stones
You know, I was going to vote for Andy. He may not have gotten out quickly, but he got out smartly. He amassed a small fortune, completely ruined the reputation of a sadistic guard, drove the warden to suicide, and retired to a sunny beach in Mexico for the rest of his life. Frank, however, may very well be a rotting corpse caught on the currents of the Pacific Ocean. Plus, Andy had Morgan Freeman on his side. 'Nuff said.
I was going to vote for Andy, until I took a good look at those pictures. Look at him. His shirt is neatly buttoned to the top, his hair is nicely combed, he appears to be freshly showered and enjoying himself in the fresh air. Plus, he's got this look on his face like it's porridge time and he's asking the warden "Please, sir; I'd like some more." And while the image of Bob Gunton in a Napoleon- esque uniform and hat, wielding a giant spoon and screaming "MORE?!" lends itself to its own level of hilarity, it doesn't exactly bolster Andy's perceived toughness in Guantanemo Bay. Hell, look at the voting button picture - he's standing, half-naked, in a river with arms reaching as high as they'll go, during a thunderstorm. One stray bolt and tomorrow's headline'll read "Daring Escapee Gets God's Electric Chair".
Now, look at Frank. His shirt's rumpled, his hair's grungy, he looks like he's sick of the harsh light and bars; this guy's getting out. Now. Look at the voting photo - he's chiseling his way through concrete. With a spoon. And it didn't take him nineteen years to do it, either.
Besides, who do you think the U.S. government's gonna make damn sure stays in prison - Tim "Republicans are Evil Scumbags" Robbins, or Clint "Last Good Western Actor and Army Veteran" Eastwood?
- Tracer Malone (now, Ernest Goes to Jail - there's a prison escape)
Clint busts out, and Timmy never leaves. Why? Well, first and foremost, Clint is Clint and Tim Robbins is a total wuss. Second, Tim Robbins now finds himself in Cuba, free of evil capitalists, George Bush, and that old hag Sarandon. He's now in a country with a regime he can,(and by law, MUST) respect. Why would he ever want to escape? Clint, on the other hand, he's GOTTA get outta there. While most of the scumbags that fill the pens in Gitmo would consider Robbins a friend and ally, they know who Clint is: Dirty Harry, the obvious inspiration for the man they call Ashcroft. Clint's surrounded by hostiles and he's gotta get out fast. Meanwhile, Robbins has already begun lecturing to his new found compatriots, on his own personal experiences living with "The Great Satan", and when he's exhausted the topic of life with Sarandon, he begins a five hour tirade on the evil conspiracy between the Bush White House, General Electric, the House of Saud, and the Trilateral Commission. By now, he's got his buddies worked up, ready to riot.
"Follow me, to FREEDOM in Castro's Worker's Paradise(TM)!" He bellows.
They advance towards the guards, meanwhile, Clint's already used a shoe horn to dig a small tunnel under a fenceline and make it to the beach.
The mob of "Enemy Combatants" and one nut job, storm the main gate, shaking their fists and screaming "Death to The Infidel!" and such.
By now, Clint's snaking his way through the jungle, scaring off anyone who comes within ten feet with the world's most feared weapon of intimidation: "The Clint Squint(TM)".
Back in Gitmo, the Marines have been given an excuse to dispose of the single greatest threat to American Society since the Influenza Epidemic of 1919... and 200 or so half crazed militant Islamists. They open fire.
Three days later, each marine on duty during the uprising is awarded the Bronze Star by President Bush PERSONALLY...
...Meanwhile, in a shady dive somewhere in Havanna, an old gringo steps up to the bar and asks for a shot of tequilla. He looks up at the old black and white television nestled above the far corner of the bar. It's a special bulletin from The State News Service, about the "criminal acts of the criminal yankee swine, in their criminal yankee base, directly ordered by their criminal yankee president, all carried out with the most criminal yankee intent."
The old gringo simply turns back to his drink and mutters "Well that's a damn shame." Truthfully, he's really more concerned with finding a water tight Chevy that he can convert into a power boat, in order to get back to the main land. The death of a bunch of thugs and a paranoid jerkweed really don't concern him much... but he IS greatfull for the distraction, that allowed him to sneek away undetected, and chances are, it'll just be assumed he was mowed down in the riot.
Now to get that Chevy, for a new life and FREEDOM await, in a land that has absolutely NO concept of law nor pretends to have any problems with corruption: Mexico!
- Walker: Plexus Ranger
I think this is a good way for people to let out their thoughts. This is also a good way to have an arguement with a friend and still be talking the next day. How do I get my word in on a grudge match? I would really love to say something about what I think about a grudge match.
- A friendly E-Mail
Ummm, you just did it? -Ed
Tim Robbins Vs. Clint Eastwood...
Well, I heard Clint Eastwood and thought "Dirty Harry" so I have to vote for him, but then I saw his "Wife" AKA A Mummy fresh from the sarcofagus.
Clint loses to Robbins because he's married to a mummy, and he made a sissy movie.
God bless The Duke, who was never in no sissy movies!
- The Hooligan Of Doom
Dufresne got out of prison wearing a suit and a pair of neatly polished shoes.
......I'd like to see him try THAT in Cuba.
- HeatWave (Blame the embargo!)
Clint Eastwood and Tim Robbins, in jail? As I write this, it's the night of the Oscars. Robbins won for Best Supporting Actor, and Eastwood...well, he didn't win, but he directed the movie that Robbins was in (and also Sean Penn, who won for Best Actor). So what could they have done to deserve jail time?
Well, Clint Eastwood sang in a musical Western, and was paired with a monkey in a couple movies, but that's not so bad! He's a legendary actor and director, not to mention the fact that he's a previous GM winner with a defeat over John Wayne. He should be released from Guantanamo ASAP.
Tim Robbins, on the other hand, was in Howard the Duck.
HOWARD THE DUCK?!?!?!?!?!
The fact that that movie is a previous GM loser is probably... no, not probably, DEFINITELY the best thing that can be said about it. For a crime like that, Tim Robbins shouldn't be in Cuba. He should be in solitary confinement in Oz, with daily beatings by both the skinheads and the Muslims. I realize that kinda defeats the purpose of "solitary" confinement, but having all that time to just think about what he did isn't punishment enough.
- Scotty J., who's already spent quite a lot of time behind bars...I'm a bartender
Morris all the way. Scoff at how he kept getting caught after escaping from the other prisons if you want to, but the only reason he was caught to begin with is that a large number of people were looking for him. In fact, he's only in GTMO to begin with because the entire federal government and their allies were looking for him. A hard posse to shake by any man's definition.
Dufresne, on the other hand, got nailed by a small-town police department. He didn't have the street smarts to get out of Dodge, and his cold attitude caused the judge to give him life. How do you think he'll do against the soldiers guarding his ass?
Speaking as someone who's done time watching the people being guarded, I can say that Morris will make it, and he doesn't even need to paddle his way out. No, he'll be catching a ride back to the States on a plane. Why? All he has to do is get a hold of a Marine uniform, and he'll blend right in. He did it before, though it was under the name Tom Highway
What does Dufresne have? An impressive education, granted, but that won't take him very far in GTMO. The only reason he got out last time was because Morgan Freeman had his back (which is nothing to laugh at), but he doesn't have that this time. Dufresne will still be fending off the other detainees while Morris sits in a plane on its way home, smoking a Cuban cigar and hitting on the stewardesses.
- Matt L., "Nem"
Anytime you've got a match up against Clint Eastwood and, ahem, excuse me, Tim Robbins, you really only have one choice, and its a simple one:
Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?
What they didn't tell you in "A Few Good Men":
After three days on the island, Frank is still getting his bearings. Andy, on the other hand, has started making friends with a young William "Willie" Santiago. At first, Jessup is concerned, given Willie's desperation to leave the island, and Andy's history of escaping. After a while, he realizes that Andy is using his connection with the boy to acquire the things he needs to feel at home on the island (i.e. classical music, some quality literature, and the occasional bottle of wine).
Three months later, Willie and Andy disappear without a trace. Jessup can write off Dufresne, but Private Santiago's desertion makes him look bad. Luckily, there's a guy in the camp, Frank Morris, who has been making a lot of bad escape attempts lately. The easy solution: put Morris' corpse in Santiago's bunk, and set up two marines to take the fall. Nothing can possibly go wrong, right? Just make sure to get a lawyer with a history of settling out of court...
There are so many reasons why Andy Dufresne will walk out of Gitmo, it's dizzying.
The first, and most glaring: Steve, you dug your own grave bringing up Stephen King. When has not actually being real hurt a Grudge-Match Winner? Anyways... seeing that one of his beloved creations is in danger, King will sic the possessed car, the crazed fan, possibly even drop a demonic house on the guards' heads to bust him out.
Second: Austin Powers 2. He's the president, man! Using his political clout, he'll be able to force his own release.
Third: Top Freakin' Gun. Seeing that their beloved 'Merlin' is in trouble, Maverick, Goose, heck even the Iceman, with their blatant disregard for anything safe or sane, will launch their own private rescue mission and reduce Gitmo to a heap of rubble.
Fourth: Tim Robbins WON his Oscar for Mystic River.
Fifth, and finally: Tim Robbins was in Howard the Duck. To quote the great hick comedian Ron White, "Things that make you go bleeeeeeah!"
Well, this is a first. I simply couldn't decide who to vote for within the first three seconds of reading the setup. Surprisingly it was the commentary that won me over.
Little choice but to agree with Brain on this one. What next indeed? Getting out's all well and good, which I have no doubt either won't do, but there's always the question of "Now what?" Morris probably didn't drown but for all we know he amy have walked up on the San Franscisco shore in his prison garb and got nabbed by some bicycle cop writing a parking ticket.
Dufresne, on the other hand, had money and a legitimate plan to live a decent life in a non-extradition country. The issue of money problems will come up while he's on mop duty inside the bathroom overthearing a couple of young Marines complaining about Finance just screwed them AGAIN. Those bastards are the same everywhere. Take my word for it.
Once sound financial advice has been given, once again, he'll end up as the commander's behind-the-scenes scam artist. Complete with a boatload of cash and a clean escape (or not-so-clean if he has to go through another sewer) Andy will be sitting free and happy as a clam smuggling Cuban cigars to the very same guards back at Gitmo.
- AF GeaseMonkey
We basically have a cold war situation here. Both sides are trying to outdo each other through seemingly unrelated programs. The best example of this is the space race, and it will be the deciding factor here, too.
First, we have Tim Robbins. He went to Mars with a gimp and Sammy Davis Jr, where they defeated the laws of the universe by living in a tent.
Next, we have good ol' Clint. He went into orbit with Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland, and James Garner to repair a sattelite, where they defeated the ravages of time (sort of).
Now, on your average season of the Star Trek of your choice, there are maybe one or two episodes dealing with time travel. However, the laws of the universe are routinely and soundly beaten in every episode of every Star Trek.
So obviously, Tim Robbins' group is NASA's B Squad. Whenever a little universal truth needs to be circumvented, in they go. Clint's all- star lineup is only called out when they need the big guns.
Tim Robbins, having the inferior space program, will go the way of the Soviet Union. Clint, being the All-American here, trounces him.
- Safety Swami Pippin
Andy Dufresne by a lightyear! For starters he's proven his ability to to make friends across ethnic lines in the joint by becoming chummy with Morgan Freeman, also he escapes to Mexico a country that by no means has proven itself an ally in the war on terror, he is very likely to be in better standing with the Muslims than Frank Lee Morris a virtual Donald Rumsfeld look alike and also a key American political target for assasination being Mayor of the mighty American city state of Carmel!
Frank Lee Morris would be like a DEA agent in Rikers Island, he would never be able to escape.. Constant vigil against Muslim antagonists would slow down his progress until the HIV levels from numerous rapes slowed him down to crawl.
Dufresne on the other hand would be as at home in Cuba as Mexico any day of the week, he'd be of vital importance in laundering money for terrorist operations and teaching English to the various scum currently locked up in Gitmo... Crawling through sewers and hiding in caves are very similar activities being that both invole lots of time swilling in the sh*% of you and your buddies so again Dufresne and the Al-Queda have tactics in common.
Also the final scene of Shawshank shows Dufrense building a boat... an impossibly superior tactic for crossing Shark infested waters than swimming.
Morris in a landslide. Robbins will be so busy swearing his undying love for Fidel and dreaming about the land of communism that he will his miss his God given right(tm) to something better, guns, lots of em. Clint on the other hand will quickly take advantage of the lines of soldiers for his autograph, steal a few machine guns, wipe out the terrorists while saying numerous memorable quotes, topple fidel, and rename Cuba Eastwoodanola, before Robbins has even had a chance to cry to Susan Sarandon about it!(which will make it difficult for him to breath through his eyes)
- Fire Ron Zook
The Marine guards are all grinning as Andy Dufresne and Frank Morris are led into solitary confinement. Neither convict can understand what his mistake was.
Meanwhile, Dr. Richard Kimble is watching the whole affair from a bus wreck on the outskirts of the base. No one has paid him any attention due to the search for the other two. "Those guys really don't have a clue," he mutters. "When it comes to a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse, I'm the only one who can get away."
What really matters is: Are there any albino midgets on guard? Why does this matter? I'm not sure, but it is fun to say "albino midgets"
- Captain Toenail
I don't know who suggested this, but those who served at GTMO thank you for the laugh :)
We will discuss Andy Dufresne's escape first. He needs supplies, and the only way to get some is to bribe a guard. Because he has no money, he takes the fattest guard and bribe him with his Vegetarian MRE meal. In exchange for the MRE, the guard gives Andy a small pic- hammer to chip away at the wall. But Andy also needs something to cover up the massive hole that is growing in his cell. To get that, he gives an interogator false information in exchange for a Raquel Welch poster, which makes him the envy of all the detainees. Eventually he will make a large enough hole in his wall to fit through.
Frank, on the other hand, will be slightly more resourceful. Instead of bribing the guard, he uses his MRE spoon to scrape away at his toilet hole until it is large enough to fit a man inside. Once in the sewers of the cell block, he will walk around until he can find an escape hatch, which will be locked. Frank will travel back up into his cell, where he will be smelly and covered in feces, but no one will notice because that is how all the detainees look anyway.
One night after writing a letter, Frank steals a pen and uses it to pick the lock in the sewer, and run away to sweet freedom. At the same time, Andy finishes digging a hole in the wall and decides he has worn out his welcome in GTMO. The two meet just outside the cell block and begin their escape together.
An MP by the name of Sergeant Major Harry Callahan comes around the corner during a patrol and notices the two detainees.
"Now you don't think we're just going to let you out of here, do you?" says SGM Callahan.
"What do you mean, we?" says the detainees.
"Smith, and Wesson, and me." says Callahan, while pulling out his .357 Magnum and shooting them both.
"A man's got to know his limitations." is the last words Andy and Frank hear as SGM Callahan walks over their deceased bodies and continues his patrol.
- D.J. The Young Grasshopper
Andy takes this one, hands down. The whole "it took 20 years" point is moot. It simply displays more patience on Mr. Dufresne's part. He spent all that time, all that tedious chipping. All the carving. All the hiding. And not only did he manage to get away, but he did it with style! The warden's shoes. The money. The incriminating evidence. The man breaks out of prison, then waltzes into a bank, collects a few G's and he's South of the border before you can say "SonofA!"
Steve, face facts: The man died. And if the swim didn't take him down, the exhaustion, and then the strain of life on the run would have.
- Sexy Boy of FREAKSHOW
The first night, Dufresne starts chipping away at his cell wall with a Sharp Rock(tm) until 6am. Unfortunately, in his hurry to get out first, he's forgotten to get the obligatary Poster(tm) to cover his hole. The guards cotton on, and he's sent into solitary for the rest of his sentence, where he begins to hack at the walls with a toothbrush bristle.
Meanwhile, Lee Morris begins devising ingenious methods of escape until he hears about The Rock, and realises that, if an ageing Sean Connery and NICHOLAS CAGE (!!!) could run about Alcatraz, then what he did wasnt so special. He gets depressed, having suffered a major blow to his pride, and gives up, giving Dufresne the 8 decades he needs to win.
- Pete 'Forgot the Recommended Reading' Harris
At the end of "Escape from Alcatraz", we learn that as a result of the successful jailbreak by Morris & crew, Alcatraz shuts down just one year later. In "The Shawshank Redemption", Dufrense's clever scam at Shawshank causes instant uproar, exposing the facility's internal corruption which leads to immediate prosecution of the prison's employees, as well as the warden's suicide. However, despite serious blows to the prison, Shawshank is still up and running at the end of the film. So, when this contest is over, do I want Guantanamo Bay to be operational and intact, or abandoned & empty?
To answer this question, we need only look at the news: since evil- homemaker Martha Stewart has recently been convicted for insider trading, we should want her to stay in the toughest prison facility for as long as possible before Morris gets a chance to wreak havoc with his escape plans. If I vote Morris to escape, I'll help shut down a very punishing facility which otherwise would be a fitting place to detain Martha Stewart for the next 20 years.
No thanks. Supporting Dufrense all the way is definetly a good thing.
- Dom (Let's see how you spruce up the ol' prison cell, biatch!)
First things first, I'm angry at you jerks for hiding the truth of Spartcus' death. He died fighting those Roman legions not on the cross!
Now back to serious bussiness. I noticed you announced the coming of this match with the teaser, ES-CA-PY! The phrase is also said by Dory in Finding Nemo. So analylizing this and doing a number of idiot and pointless connections which most of your fans do, I realized that the winner will be Stevie Mcqueen. He will jump on motorcycle and fly across that barbed wired wall and finally show all those ex-nazis in the cell block z that he could have the jump. Once on Cuban soil he's untouchable! Why didn't vote for the others? I hate real crinimals, I once ate a chain gang escaping through the swamps in New Orleans and they tasted horrible!
- Lizard-Man: Because why settle for lesser mutations?
Well, this one is pretty much a toss up for me, so I'm going to go with Brian here and say that Andy will win only because Steve insulted one of my favorate places to visit. ALA-BAMA!!!! Expect a fleet of GVSU Laker Fans to invade Cuba while on Spring Break, tell Castro to "Say hello to my little friend!" and bust Andy out. Knowing that Brian saw us when we was in ALA-BAMA back in December to win the D2 Nat'l Championship, he'll know that my peoples are not one to be trifled with. Frank will be lucky if he even gets taken along for the ride. After this, my friends and I will make a small detour to New Jersey. Hope Steve has his one of those Living Wills made out.
- BIGMRG74 - Oh yeah, Oxy and me have argeed to a truce. Y'all going to in big trouble if we form an alliance...
Dufresne? DUFRESNE!! goddamn frogs are sneaking into victory, so much for one of your Pshycotic rules
Now I have never seen either of these movies, but that doesn't matter, I have the secret! Bet no one else gets this. It is *drumroll please* The Los Angeles Lakers!!! Thats right, you see back a few years the Lakers had a man named Brian Shaw. And we all know the they also have Shaquille O'neal. I watched many of the games from those championship years, and many times there was a sort of reference to the Shawshank redemption, only they called it the Shaw*Shaq* redemption, and that is close enough for me. Once the Lakers lost Shaw however, they ceased winning chamionships, due to the fact that there was no longer the ShawShaq redemption. this tells us two things, one, the Shawshenk redemption is a very strong thing (no matter how you play with the letters), and two, though it is strong, it has been broken. So with that said, I give my vote to the Clint Eastwood dude!
- The #1 Lakers fan (Kobe's innocent, its a sham)
Fools! While lesser minds may unwittingly throw their vote to either one of these escape artists without without considering the ramifications, I will not fall for such a trap! The fact that there are multiple wagers resting on the outcome of this match means that any one of several dangerous terrorists stands to make a tidy profit off of the escape of either competitor! That's right, the second either Dufresne or Morris sets foot outside that prison THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON(tm)! So I'll make my own heroic stand against terrorism by making a spiritual vote for a last minute All Mangled and Killed.
- The Last Patriot (screw it I voted for Dufresne)
Andy digs his way out, then frank kills him and escapes through the tunnel.
- the tick's left antenna
You have to bring the other parts that each actor played into consideration.
While 'Nuke' LaLoosh may have achieved his best successes while wearing a garter belt, if Dufresne tries that, he's going to be too busy trying to escape from all the other love-starved inmates to manage an escape from the prison. Advantage: Morris, since Clint Eastwood never played a role involving him wearing women's underwear.
Bob Roberts might have been able to pardon Dufresne, if Agent Frank Horrigan hadn't been too busy drinking the night before the motorcade drove through the grassy knoll. So again, Advantage: Morris.
GAry Winston might have been able to hack the system and get an order for Dufresne's release planted in the Gitmo computer system, but unfortunately, Dr. Frank Corvin managed to disable the sattlite that the signals would be forwarded through, so again, Advantage: Morris.
Ian 'Ray' Raymond isn't even a factor, as Harry Callihan will be too busy beating the hell out of him to stop The Man With No Name and William Munny from shooting half the prisoners in the place while trying to take each other out for the bounties on their respective heads. Advantage: Tuco (I know he's not involved in this Grudge Match, but hey, you gotta give him credit for finally catching a break.)
And finally, you have to consider each actor's most embarassing movie: For Eastwood, it's almost certainly Francis In the Navy, but for Robbins, it's Howard the Duck. Even if I hadn't already proved that Morris is destined to be the winner with my other citations, that one has got to seal Dufresne's fate right there.
- Bowie Hawkins
"Hey, Carlos." One guard mutters to his friend. "Why you theenk these Grodge Match gringos send us alla these preesoners?"
"Who knows, Miguel?" The other guard replies. "Maybe it was a goodwill gesture, si?"
Little do the proprietors of this unfortunate prison know that Dufresne and Morris are the least of their problems. Come to think of it, little do they know exactly how many prison movies there are...
That night, Andy gets to know his cellmate, John Coffey. They immediately bond due to their rural background and the fact that they were wrongfully accused. Andy also encounters Martin Lawrence, whom Andy once faked his way through a robbery with. Lawrence is serving a life sentence along with his friend Eddie Murphy. Meanwhile, Morris has run into two other men who also claim to have escaped from Alcatraz: Sean Connery and David Copperfield. He also meets a man who is a dead ringer for his warden in Alcatraz, but prefers to be called "Number Six". Both groups of men prepare their big break.
The next day, the guards are overwhelmed by attacks from both side. Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence, who use profanity like most people use punctuation, do their stand-up routines, provoking mass suicides. John Coffey takes out some guards by spitting up locusts that fly into the guard's mouths. Don't ask. The remaining guards are defeated by the fighting skills of Morris and Connery, with Copperfield providing a smokescreen. This display inspires the rest of the prisoners to take arms. Rocky the Rooster shouts "They'll never take our freedom!" Reinforcement guards called in to quell the riot survive the wretched stand-up, but throw in the towel once the Soggy Bottom Boys start singing. There are limits, you know. Steven Seagal and Ja Rule burst onto the scene, and then watch as their stunt doubles mercilessly beat up the guards.
As the rebellious groups escape, there are, naturally, some casualties. Coffey heroically dies to save the others, Copperfield is smothered by squealing female admirers, and Seagal and Ja Rule are strung up like sides of beef for their (cinematic) crimes. Murphy and Lawrence get stuck in a doorway (they were comically dressed as Sherman Klump and Big Mama) and are left behind. The Soggy Bottom Boys prefer swilling the abandoned drinks in the mess hall to actual escape. And nobody knows what the heck happened to Number Six.
The remaining prisoners escape the complex and reach the sea. Connery pulls out a small device from his wristwatch that inflates into a craft large enough to carry them all. Just as they float off, Murphy and Lawrence's fat suits, combined with the after-effects of prison food, reach the breaking point and explode. Guantanamo Bay goes up like Castro's favourite cigar. The next morning, the raft reaches the United States. Andy, Frank, Connery and the rooster disappear into the woods. Freedom at last?
"We have us some fugitives!" Tommy Lee Jones barks. "I want state lines closed, and roadblocks set up on a twenty-mile radius..."
But that's another Grudge Match.
- Oxymoron - Currently getting hit in the crotch with the Iron Fist
your site is just a rip off of Celeberity Death Match. It's pretty darn gay if you ask me. Take it from me and get a life you losers. Thanks and have a nice day.
[I think you've got it backwards, in at least your first two points... -Ed]
Listen, if Tom Robbins can swim through sewage, get raped in The Shawshank Redemption and Mystic River AND star in Howard the Duck, and still come out unmarked, my money's on him.
- -The Mattly One
I voted for Andy because he's a fellow DownEaster, but neither of these guys is going anywhere alive.
Andy was at least middle aged when he escaped from Shawshank in 1967. Frank escaped from Alcatraz in 1962, and Eastwood was 49 years old when he portrayed him. Around 4 decades have passed since their prison-break glory days, so 5 things become apparent:
1. They are so old and fragile by now that they will be at the base hosptial, not the prison, sitting around in DependsTM complaining about the price of senior life insurance.
2. If they get the gumption to leave the hospital, they will stick out like two sore thumbs among all those young servicemen and women. Even if they can get the proper uniforms and such, how many Marines use a walker?
3. If they can't mingle with the servicemembers, they have to head for Florida, or go to Cuba.
4. In the Florida Straits, they will end up as a stringy but nutritious (thanks to GeritolTM) meal for some shark, or swim so slowly that the sun might go nova before they get to Miami.
5. There are large minefields between Gitmo and Cuba. Their walkers create an extra four "feet" on the ground that can set off a mine. Creak...KABOOM!
Gitmo's got to be nice except for the hot summers, and Navy hospitals are air conditioned. Sit back, have a little bit of fruit cup and enjoy the good life, boys--The drugs are good, and resistance is futile.
- Mr. Silverback--Back by popular demand...as far as you know, anyway.
Morris will beat Andy for one simple reason: he'll beat the absolute crap out of him so that he'll be barely able to move. This is a prison, where there's plenty of violence and the guards don't care. In their respective movies Morris delivers a beating, whereas Andy receives... more than a beating but that's beside the point.
The deciding factor in this match will be the Arabs. Being devout Muslims, and terrorists too, they have never gotten any action whatsoever. So they will keep whoever "looks like a beetch", as Mr. Hamabollah puts it. from leaving. So who do you think stays? The old, creased and leathery Morris, or the young-been to Neverland Ranch looking Dufresne? Andy D. winds up in a black bodywrap while Morris is getting even more cancerous as he soaks up Florida sun.
The two men have identical goals, even if they are opponents in the eyes of the inmate wagerers. At some point their paths will cross, and they will intuitively know that they are planning the same thing. This will create a bond, a certain mystic connection, almost like a flowing body of water. Dufresne will end up seeking direction from the more experienced Morris.
And the moment he blurts out "What's my motivation?", he is doomed.
Morris will tie him up in psychological knots, inducing an almost Hamlet-like state of indecision and incapability. Dufresne's only purchase of solidity out of all this will be getting back to his sweetheart. Unfortunately, he soon learns that she's making clandestine visits to Guantanamo in nun's drag, not for his sake, but to comfort an incarcerated Sean Penn. The irony overwhelms him, and he sinks into a mire of helpless self-pity.
An unimpeded Morris manages to steal a uniform, convince some of his older Marine guards that he's their commanding officer from back in Grenada, and is on a transport to Florida within hours. No sooner is he free, though, than he sets himself upon a mission of vengeance, muttering imprecations to himself about "that greedy Peter Jackson" and his "eight-hundred-pound gorilla of a movie."
Little does he know how badly he's underestimating the weight.
- Call me Shane
I don't know who suggested this, but those who served at GTMO thank you for the laugh :)
- D.J. The Young Grasshopper
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Next Match: Death becomes them.
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Next Match: Death becomes them.