World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Manhattan, 5th Avenue, Gioretties Imported Shoes. Only one pair of black, lamb fetus leather, spiked pumps left. Coming through the front door, freshly released from Club Fed is Leona Helmsley. She spies these oh-so perfect shoes in the showcase and makes a beeline for them. She must have them at any cost!

At the same time, in the rear of the store, a door marked "VIP Secret Entrance" opens. In walks Imelda Marcos, looking for a new funeral ensemble. From across the store Imelda's carefully honed shoe-sensitive eyes spot the same pair of shoes. What perfection! She must have them as well. No other pair will do.

As they both near the pedestal displaying the shoes, their hateful glares lock on each other. They both realize what the other is after. Their jaws tighten and their fists clench. Ordinary men would crumble from their fierce gazes. Only one woman is walking away with these shoes.

So Brian, who ends up with the shoes, and who gets carried out on a stretcher?

Imelda Marcos Leona Helmsley

Imelda Marcos

vs.

Leona Helmsley

The Commentary

BRIAN: Gotta be Leona on this one, Steve. I'm mean she's been in prison for the past several years! Aside from the obvious RAGE (tm), she has been desperate for a good pair of pumps. In case you haven't noticed, the shoes in women's prisons aren't exactly fashionable. Although, they are comfortable. At least that was the case in Penitentiary III. Similar to a man being released from prison heading straight to the nearest singles bar and/or brothel, Leona has years of "fashion tension" built up inside of her and it needs to be released. And heaven help anyone who gets in the way (Imelda, salespeople, small mammals, etc.).

Imelda, on the other hand, isn't nearly so desperate. She's already got thousands of pairs of shoes, including scores of pairs appropriate for funerals. And she's been buying away all those years that Leona was locked up; no tension there. The revenue she's received by wheeling her frozen husband around and selling tickets have easily kept her shoe fetish satisfied. The desire simply won't be there. Imelda goes up to Leona expecting a standard cat-fight with the hair-pulling and the gouging and the kicking. Then Leona gives her the Lithuanian Jungle Stomp (tm) that she learned form Bertha, her prison "friend". Marcos never knew what hit her.

STEVE: I think you've misjudged the effect prison will have on Leona. If her cellmate was indeed named "Bertha" then you better expect a vast change in Leona's personality. She has likely become submissive and meek. She will have lost The Rage (tm), and will cower at Imelda's shoe-hoarding gusto.

Obviously, Imelda has to win this one. She's psychotic when it comes to shoes. Nothing will stand in her way -- not her husband, not money, not the well being of the Philippines, and certainly not Leona. Imelda will snarl and start foaming at the mouth. A nervous twitch in her neck will begin to act up, and she will start speaking in tongues. Liked a caged wild animal, Imelda will rip Leona to pieces. Imelda in 15 seconds.

BRIAN: Clearly, it has been a long time since you spent any time in a women's prison because you're analysis is far from reality. I, however, upon viewing countless hours of late night Skinemax (tm) movies as an undergrad, have become an expert on the delicate social intertwinings of female incarceration facilities. If you become submissive and meek in a women's prison, you don't come out alive (I reference you to Wet, Nasty, and Doin' Time (tm)). Obviously, since Leona is before us, she has done what it takes to survive. Not surprising as it is hard to imagine 17 women named "Bertha" being able to make Leona Helmsley submissive, nevermind one. Anyway, Leona learned the hard lessons, hit the weights, and became a big shot in that prison: picking fights, running cigarettes, bribing guards for special privileges, etc. But what was the one privilege she could never attain?

That's right: fashion. She's been grey and drab for years and has become much more than just a little irrational about it. She's looking to accessorize and take names. Those self-defense and assault maneuvers she learned in the prison showers will over-power the ultra-pampered PP (Phillipino Princess) that is Imelda Marcos.

STEVE: I could argue with you for hours over female inmate anthropology, but we'd be getting away from the point. Hard prison time or not, Leona will resort to her instinctual attack modes, not this Lithuanian Jungle Stomp (tm) you mention. (By the way, there's no jungle in Lithuania last time I looked). She will first go for the Eye Gouge (tm). As she dives for Imelda's eyes, she will discover they are protected by glasses made of bulletproof coke-bottle glass. Her attack is useless! Undaunted, she may try for the Cat Scratch (tm). Unfortunately, Club Fed insists that her nails are kept trimmed. As they haven't had time to grow back yet, all Leona manages is a meager Fingertip Nudge (tm). Imelda laughs in Leona's face. "Foolish woman. When it comes to shoes, you cannot defeat me." Hideous laughter ensues, and Imelda brings a knee to Leona's midsection, leaving her doubled over on the floor. Imelda wins easily.

The Results

Leona Helmsley (566)

defeats

Imelda Marcos (309)

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Voter Comments

Response of the Week (tm)

Both Steve and Brian's responses display a keen understanding of adolescent prison girl fantasies, but precious little knowledge of either modern American penology (wipe that silly grin off your face -- the term refers to prisons) or Phillipine history. I'll try to make this simple (and I'll try to use small words to help you out). In a nutshell, it's a case of Third World Guerilla Hussy (tm) vs. Pampered Capitalist Pig (tm).

First, for all your sweaty palmed panting and raving about women's prisons and women's prisons movies (not always the same thing) you failed to realize an important fact. Leona was a WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL in a federal penitentiary. In this country, all that means is that you have to reserve use of the tennis and racquetball courts in advance. Leona only stole millions of dollars -- she didn't do something serious like steal a nice rich person's cocaine. If so, she would have ended up in a wonderful state prison and all your Bertha fantasies would indeed be a reality. But in a federal prison she got to make lanyards (tm) and grow soft at the taxpayer's expense. What little wits or aggressiveness she had were completely dulled by time in a federal pen.

Imelda, on the other hand, lived her formative years in the jungle. Her husband was a guerilla fighter and a killer, and he never went anywhere without his trusty dragon princess (tm) at his side. While Imelda's senses may have been a bit dulled by the years, she is still a jungle fighter at heart, always ready to pounce on an unsuspecting Fat Arrogant American Bitch (tm) in order to get what she wants. In fact, the pursuit of shoes is simply a case of sublimation -- no longer able or interested in killing, shoes become her prey. While a bit aged and infirm, Imelda is still what she always was. Sort of like a Vietnam vet -- even after all these years you don't want to try and take away a vet's bottle of Boones Farm Ripple (tm, although I have no idea why they bother) in a dark alley. Trust me on that one.

Imelda, feral Third World American hating creature that she is, takes the shoes from Leona's cold, dead fingers.

- Rodney Jackson, Jacksonville, FL

ROTW(tm) Silver-Medal Winner

As Leona reaches the shoes first and begins to walk out the door with her booty, Imelda breaks out with her most irritating and eardrum-shattering version of FEELINGS(tm) ever. At the sound of the first note Leona screams and drops the shoes to cover her ears. As Leona runs out the door screaming, Imelda walks over and picks up the latest in her every growing collection.

- Jeff Garland

ROTW(tm) Bronze-Medal Winner

I have to go with Leona here. It's simply a matter of who's had the training and who hasn't. Imelda was the husband of a dictator. Anything she wanted, her husband would send a squad of fully armed commandos to go get. Leona, on the other hand, has lived in a capitalist country. She has learned the essential skills involved in fighting your way through a crowded Macy's in order to reach the perfume counter before the new Liz Taylor fragrence sells out. She knows what part of a mannequin makes the best weapon. In short, she is in her home element. While poor Imelda is having her skull bashed into the ground by a curtain rod from the changing room, and being choked by the Wonder-Bra(tm) that has been stuffed down the back of her throat, her right hand can be seen weakly grasping for the little silver bell that, when rung, used to call in servants and bodyguards to do her bidding.

Leona in 30 seconds, with 15 of those seconds going to putting the shoes on her charge card.

- Lonny Zone

I voted for Imelda whatever her last name was because I've never heard of either of those two people and Imelda had a funnier name.

- Paul

I'm afraid Leona has always been more than a match for any let's-dine-al-fresco-and-watch-our-palace-guard-machine-gun-the-peasants- so-we-don't-have-to-get-our-hands-dirty despot. Yup. She's a scrapper, all right. Not afraid to do the wet-work.

-Jason

Public opinion rests with our good queen, but Leona has legions of prisoners annoyed at the rich and pampered on her side. After select reinforcements are flown in via Shoestring Airlines (tm), Imelda has some scrawny shoeguards. Leona has Jeffrey Dahmer (fresh out of his licking from Hannibal Lector), Mike Tyson (with fresh memories of prison and favors Leona had previously given him), and several rough gangsters and serial killers. Imelda only saves herself from death by wearing spiked cleats from her collection and tearing up Dahmer's (decaying) face.

- Rosalind King, University of Michigan

I'm going to have to go with Imelda on this one. The Phillipines is the land of Filipino Squirrel Fighting (tm). While Leona may have learned how to make a "shank" (tm) out of a bar of soap, or how to dance in case Pat Benitar decides to do a remake of "Love is A Battlefield", these skills pale in comparison to the awesome power of a Widow of an ousted Filipino Dictator with a squirrel.

- George@UT

OK, the way I see it, Leona has to win-- I mean come on!?! the only hard thing Imelda has ever done in her life is shop. We're not talking taking over hotel chains or firing everything in sight. Noooo- just mamby-pamby what goes with this outfit kind of crap. I mean, Imelda has never said, "Which shoes go with this building?!" before has she. Plus the all important fact that Leona is a Cast-Iron-Bitch(tm). Think about it, when she ripped the heart out of Victor Trankham's world hotel empire she wasn't getting shoe leather under her nails. She was beating him upside the bank account, ye verily, with 27% in a corporate takeover. Imelda has never had the tactical skills to create and hold!!! such a fortune ol' Ferdi just gave it to her--what a light weight! Leona buying every shoe store in the country in 10 seconds.

- Thomas Michael DIzikowski, Michigan State University

Okay boys, I'm only gonna run this by you once and then I'm gonna have one o the boys drop by and impress it upon you with a lead pipe.

If it's one on one, nobody questions that Leona would tear Imelda into little strips of Chihuahua food. But this ain't gonna be a fair fight, see. Leona's gonna take the fall if she knows what's good for her, see. And it don't take any genius with a magnifying glass to work out why.

Let me make it clear for you boys, just in case.

You got Leona, and she's mean, rough, no question. But Imelda, she ran the Phillipines from behind her husband's scrawny little back for years. People trying to knock them off right and left. Ferdy wasn't much of a shield, even for Imelda. So how come she's still kicking? She's a politico. Politicos got goon squads. They don't go anywhere without their goons. Hell, in the winter they probably let them curl up on the bed where it's warm, like some folks do with a loyal dog. These boys see Leona going for their master, the hair on the scruff of their necks is gonna prickle and their hands are gonna go into their pockets. Leona, she's been around, even before she went into the pen. She knows that that bulge ain't just beefcake. She knows that the boys like to carry their little friends, Mr. Glock and Mr. Uzi with them when they go strolling. Leona's a smart chickie. She'll take the fall.

- slackman

Unknown to Leona, Imelda has brought with her the deadly Filipino Pigmy Death Hatchet (tm), and while Leona is bending over in pain from the last knee to the midsection, Imelda, with one Swift and Cunning Stroke (tm), cuts off both her feet, therefore making the purchase of shoes a moot point.

- Dave Rubini, Illinois

Marcos is a princess: if she want it she'll have it, and damn Cory Aquino, democracy, or a common ex-crim. The Beatles only barely escaped, thanks to timely riots. Otherwise... Paul pumps? Lennon loafers?

- John Hunter

Leona is nothing but a lot of talk. Having to fend off the advances of her 100 year old husband, she has no real fighting experience. Imelda, however, had to fend off the weasal-like Ferdinand on a constant basis. Imelda just gives Leona a threatening gesture or some harsh verbage and Leona runs like the Zsa Zsa Gabor wanna-be that she truly is.

- Jason Van Horn

If Leona did indeed have a prison friend named Bertha, then Leona will win easily as lesbians have been known to be more fiesty.

- bubble

Imelda may be greedy, selfish and petty, but Leona is just plain mean. In the dog-eat-dog of the physical combat zone, meanness and cruelty over greed and selfishness anytime.

Leona not only defeats Imelda easily, but breaks both of her feet (multiple compound fractures in every carpal) so that Imelda will never wear normal shoes again. Then, with the crippled Phillipino Shoe Queen(tm) watching helplessly, Leona puts on her battle trophies and struts out of the store.

- Mel Martinez, Johns Hopkins Univeristy

Good God, you MEN out there on the Internet are soooo predictable. And sooooo ignorant about women!

All of your arguments have to do with the notion that Imelda and Leona are going to whack each other around like a couple of testosterone-driven bull moose in rutting season...Gentlemen, these are COWS we are talking about. They are going to fight like cows. Get with the program, people!

What's going to happen is that Leona and Imelda are first going to spy each other and feign that they've been lifelong friends (or have always wanted to be). They're going to be really pumped to get those pumps, so it's REALLY gonna be spectacular even by girl standards...they'll shriek gleefully "OHHHHHH HIIIII BABY!!!" so loud and rush at each other with open arms so wide that it'll make WAITING TO EXHALE look like the cat fight you men THINK is going to happen...but isn't... Every woman in the store who sees this will turn and run like a herd of gazelle fleeing from a waterhole in the Serengeti...because they know what's gonna go down...

The whole thing you have to consider, is which one of them can be the biggest bitch while acting the nicest and sweetest, which one of them is going to psyche the other one out. You say Leona? HAH. Leona may be tough, she may be a bitch, but a) she's been in jail the last few years or whatever, and she has been away from the high stakes world of subtle bitchery, hanging around Berthas who use four-letter words. That's NOWHERE. So wow, she can make some scatalogical reference to Imelda's cup size. Big deal. She tries that, Imelda will just gracefully toss her well-coiffed head and exercise the years' worth of Head-O-State charm and protocol she's had to use in hubby's court, and shrug it off. You don't think Imelda has had her breasts insulted by every rebel newspaper in Manila during her husband's reign? Honestly. Besides, Imelda knows she is much better looking than Cory Aquino. She's had to ask herself that question ever since the people's revolution, she's had to find a way to be able to look in the mirror every morning and still believe she's the fairest of them all despite being thrown out of the palace on her ass. I think Imelda can handle whatever Cell Block H can throw at her.

But even if she isn't, let's get right down to brass tacks: in the end, these 2 are so well matched in the bitch department, what will be the deciding factor is who can make the biggest scene in the most subtle way. Gentlemen, have you ever seen Leona cry in public? Of course not. Of course not. That's because she's always tried to fit herself into a man's world, and Big Girls Don't Cry. Whereas Imelda Marcos, on the other hand, is an old hand at crying in public in order to try and get what she wants -- you've seen her zillions of times. (And how the hell do you think she got all those shoes from Ferdinand in the first place? Do you think that a guy who could rule an entire country with an iron fist for decades wouldn't be able to realize how SILLY and EMBARRASSING she is with all those shoes in her closet, unless she had a secret weapon?)

What's going to happen is that eventually Imelda is going to start crying in that irritating, high-pitched squeaky accent and don't you know, there goes her mascara until she does Tammy Faye proud. Leona is not going to be able to handle this (for the reasons stated above - in prison for years, sheltered from crying women, not to mention her years in the board room among emotionally repressed men) and will be totally unnerved (if the tears don't do it, that voice will!) because it'a against her nature to be connected with "a scene" and believe you me, that's what Imelda is going to make. In the end, Leona will BUY Imelda the shoes. (Also the emerald encrusted open-toe spikes in the next aisle.) Trust me. Then they're going to do the Russian Tea Room and talk about hot flashes. Imelda wins. The end.

- Screaming Yellow Zonkers, Syracuse University

gotta go with Leona, purely on home court advantage. Anyone who can survive for more than, oh say, 4 hours in New York City without getting killed, mugged, spit on, etc... must have kryptonite in their veins.

- Steven DeVries

Imelda needs an army and an elderly husband behind her to get anything done. Leona needs big money and an elderly husband. Leona has both her weapons, Imelda has neither. Leona in a walk.

- Julia Hendricks-Mueller

I think the outcome is heavily dependent upon the venue: in a small New York hotel suite or bistro back room, Leona will be in her element. However, on the broad lawns of a dictator's South Seas villa, Imelda would have the advantage of long familiarity.

However, since her exile and Offical Expatriate Pariah-hood, Imelda has been hanging out a lot on U.S. soil. Assuming this fight is to be arranged by a North American promoter, I imagine Leona will have the advantage in terms of venue, and will eventually emerge as the victor.

Wasting the company dime,
- Will Enestvedt

hmmm.... well, leona has the rage(tm) and the reach(tm), but imelda has at least 50 pounds on her opponent. so much for the tale of the tape. i guess i have to go back to the fundamental theorem of boxing -- never bet on the white guy. imelda in a split decision.

- jeff

I predict about 30 minutes. Cat fights are simply too good to be over quickly. The older Leona will last a while simply by being mean but Imelda is probably more experienced. I'll bet she had to fight for shoes at least once before.

- MCV

I absolutely *have* to vote for Imelda on this one. It's a crucial mismatch, because Leona just doesn't have the motivation to win this one. She's been in prison, she's tired, worn out, directionless... Imelda's the one with the shoe fetish-- she'll fight like a rabid, hemorrhoidal wolverine to get that last pair of pumps. Leona'll be pounded flatter than an Odor-Eater (tm), while Ms. Marcos sashays on down 5th Avenue in search of a matching ensemble.

RuPaul vs. Imelda, now *that* would have been something. Course the same pair would never fit both, so I guess it's a moot point, but I digress.

-Michele

Both of these are Money-Grubbing-Shrews (tm) with little apparent empathy or shame, but there are a couple of differences.

Leona is famous as the head harridan/slave driver at the Helmsley House (tm) in New York, NY (so full of vice, they warned you twice). Her outbursts at her slave-wage peons over minor incidents are world-famous. Heaven help anyone ticking her off in a major way. If she doesn't go critical and implode with fury, she could throw an Atomic Hissy Fit (tm) that would make the 101st Airborne reconsider a frontal assault.

On the other hand, Imelda was the wife of, and co-tyrant with, an oriental dictator of unlimited authority. She knows some evil things that can be done to humans. Anyone who can see the economic conditions in the Phillipines and spend her time and money amassing shoes and giving parties is totally devoid of human emotion. And she will want to complete her collection of every known style of female shoe, in every material. And since she finally got that pair of Kosher shoes from the Himmler Collection, this fetus-leather pair will fit right in the collection.

I think the prison training will help Leona a lot, but an Atomic Hissy Fit (tm), while awesome to observe and dangerous to approach too closely, cannot outlast the extended horror that is lifetime tyranture.

Particularly since Imelda will have four Estate-Paid Phillipino Death Goons (rm) with her who will become hunted, unemployed, former Death Goons heading back to certain assassination in the Islands if anything happens to her. A critically injured Imelda and two surviving Death Goons over Leona in 20 ear-splitting minutes.

- Xxact, Inc.

Winner? Winner? As if! As the two she-beasts closed in, Jerry Seinfeld would appear, arms waving wildly, saying, "WHAT ... is the DEAL ... with woman and SHOES? MEN apparently don't understand this. With us it's ONE ... PAIR ... OF SHOES! You know what I call a man with two pairs of shoes? A fellow who's planning ahead 5 years."

After this a burst of offscreen laughter would ensue, both women would be reduced to cameo parts on the show, and the plot would shift to Kramer buying the shoes for his aunt and Elaine trying to borrow them for a date she has with the president of Exxon.

Kramer in 9.7 minutes.

- Benjamin Bretz, Sunny 106.9, Reno NV

Leona has become scrawny and dry, denied her nutritionists' vitamin cocktail designed to cheat Mother Nature, and her expensive moisturizers. Imelda has been using all her youth rejuvenation chemistry while Leona has been scratching and peeling. Imelda also has a bigger bulk. She's shorter, with a lower center of gravity, and will be harder to take down. Look at her upper arms. They were made to do a helicopter spin with Leona as the blades. Imelda will crush Leona, then dig those spike heals into Leona's gut as she stands triumphantly above, the clear victor.

- lynnmh

Keep in mind that Imelda's husband died, quite possibly from exposure to her. Leona's is still hanging on despite being well into her 130's. When the chips are down, Imelda has it.

- Flapjack, Vassar College, Poughkeepsie, NY

First things first. Let's adhere to a modicum of decorum on the pages of the WWWF and address individuals by their proper titles. I refer to Congresswoman Imelda Marcos.

On the face of it, this is a mismatch. In one corner we have Leona, a woman who would not hesitate to rip the heart out of a fellow human who just happened to be unable to afford a gold plated commode. In the other is a woman who spent the majority of her life being a meek and pretty tumor attached to her powerful husband. Yes, the Congresswoman has recently flexed her "muscle" and entered the public stage in spite of a grafting conviction in 1993. However, everyone knows this is a farcical situation that could only occur in the Philippines. Hence we rule out the possibility that Congresswoman Marcos could stand up to a penitentiary hardened despicable despot.

The battle begins and is truly one sided as Leona rips into the Congresswoman. However, we can not forget the fury of Ferdinand. You may recall Imelda's proclamation that his spirit was responsible for summoning hurricane Andrew and the ensuing devastation. All because he wasn't given a proper burial. He still hasn't received that proper burial and his spirit is still restless! Ferdinand once again summons the power of mother nature in defense of his helpless wife. Leona is whisked away to find herself flat out on a yellow brick road, surrounded by a bunch of munchkins. Congresswoman Marcos cleans off her blood, tidies her hair, and walks away in a brand new pair of Gioretties.

- Dr. Joe

It's not as complicated as you think. Although a battle between the two sagging shoe-happy hags would be amusing, you underestimate Imelda's quickness. It's this simple... Leona committed crimes and was caught. Marcos committed crimes against a nation and suffered only the loss of a fraction of her horde of footwear. Imelda doesn't need to fight for the shoes... She tumbles in and snatches them before Leona's very eyes, and she is rejoicing as she flees headlong into the city streets with only a whispy aroma of bad perfume, Electric Youth, telling the tale of her visit. Leona remains dumbfounded at the scene and is apprehended for shoplifting, returning her to an overjoyed cellmate and further sordid adventures untold...

- THECATDOG

I had heard through a reliable source that all those shoes were for Ferdinand. He was just into wearing women's shoes. Nothing weird, just into wearing those shoes.

I also heard that Leona studied some ancient monk stuff that allowes her to shoot ice-cicles out of her eyes. Serious. Wouldn't be much of a fight. I don't even think Imadela's hair bun could save her.

- bill dolan

Leona will win hands down. She has years of experiance wrestling with the IRS and that cannot be discounted. There may not be a jungle in Lithuania but she'll definatly have Imeda up against the wall saying "Yes Mistress" before the hour is out. Imelda on the other hand has no practical fight experience. She's spent all her life buying shoes not fighting over them. It's worse than a tyson fight 12 seconds tops!!

- cmacleod, Presbyterian College, Clinton, SC

What makes you so certain that it will be one-on one? The US government can not allow royal visitors to be injured- it would create an international incident! The security guards will intervine. Royal visitors have diplomatic imunity, and therefore can not be escorted out (Or ordered to pay). Victory in one minute, not counting three hours of paperwork for the guards.

- CompuServer (tm)

When it comes down to it, Helmsley is just a control freak, whereas Marcos is a survivor - eye of the tiger, baby, and did she walk through the tumultuous world of Phillipino politics barefooted? I DON"T THINK SO! IMELDA NEEDS NEW SHOES, BABY, AND SHE NEEDS 'EM NOW! Plus Marcos is going to be surrounded by Secret Service agents and bodyguards who have to do what she says.

Score 2 shooz for Imelda, 1 shiner for Helmsley, and let's throw in a few bullet riddled attorneys (Helmsley's entourage, taken out by the Secret Service as they make the getaway).

- Dave

Well, I could drone on and on and eventually make my point, but basically it's because Leona is HUNGRY here, and face it, Imelda's got plenty of ways to get shoes made of HUMAN fetus if that's what she wants. It's Leona, with a score to settle, not so much against Imelda, but against the rest of the world.

- Meinkmpf

Ah..a contest designed to please a man's spirit and to add weight to his genitals. A fight over lamb fetus leather pumps between Leona "I own this cell block" Helmsley and Imelda "But they don't whip peasants in Hawaii" Marcos. A true test of mettle, certainly. But more to the point - a match of basic instincts; between a woman who is a virtual shoe warehouse versus a woman who must own what others want. The difference in this matchup will be Imelda's dependence on underlings to help her accomplish what she wants. Since she is in the store without an entourage or the feared Filipino secret police, she must depend on her own wits and courage. Neither of which will faze the she-bitch from Park Avenue cum Attica. Leona put the "me" in "me" - the shoes will be hers and Imelda's head will make an interesting wig stand for the boudoir.

- David G. Hughey

It's Imelda in a landslide as far as I'm concerned! Her biggest advantage is her years of experience with these types of situations. Surely a veteran shoe-buyer such as Mrs. Marcos has faced off against some of the most ruthless shoe-buyers in the world and since she is still buying, I will assume she has heartlessly crushed each and every one. While Leona may be angry and out to relieve tension, her bloodlust will be calmly handled by Imelda's cool tactical maneauvers and experience.

- Ed, University of Illinois Urbana-Champagne

The only experience I have in bad guy vs. bad guy (or bad gal vs. bad gal in this case) confrontations is Professional Wrestling. From what I've seen, Imelda doesn't have a chance.

Victory and defeat in evenly contested matches, such as this one, are always decided by fan support. With the crowd firmly behind their champion, the pure adrenaline and willpower it creates devastes any opponent. And since this battle is in the United States, the crowd will be firmly behind Leona. Why? Because Americans always boo the foreigner. It doesn't matter if they are "Iran #1, Russia #1, USA *spit*" Iron Shiek and Nikoli Volkoff, British snot Lord Steven Regal or our misguided neighbor to the north The Mountie. Chants of "U-S-A, U-S-A" will echo throughout the store. To make matters worse, Philippinos look too much like "Remember Pearl Harbor" Japanese for some of the older onlookers. Expect Leona to do her best impression of Hulkamania (tm) all over Imelda's face with outside help from former WWII veterans.

LEONAMANIA IS RUNNING WILD!

- Paul Golba

How can anyone in their right mind go for leona in this battle of the podiatrist's nightmares. I personally dont believe leona has the Rage . years in prison have caused her to value a pack of cigarettes more than shoes. She may want the shoes because of an age old reflex but soon she'll relaize she doesnt want them anyway and besides..she cant afford them.

Imelda on the other hand is SHOE FREAK. the amount of shoes she already has makes no difference to her. she WANTS those shoes. she NEEDS those shoes. besides youre over looking one main important fact..imelda is still sometimes surrounded by secret service agents.she doesnt need to fight leona...our taxpayer dollars pay for that. Just in case she is alone well then shes probably wearing a nice high heel with which shell put through leonas heart ..Imelda in 2 minutes.

- Hecubus

Ironically, comfortable but definately out of style shoes will be the difference in this epic battle. While Imelda will being wearing her fashionable high heeled shoes, Leona will still be wearing her prison loafers. Leona will get to the contested shoes first, and plant a high heel in Imelda's head ala Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female. Though Leona emerges victorious, the shoes will be of no use to her because of the blood stains, which are just so passe!

-Joshua Nelson

In the world of catfights, this is indeed a battle of panther versus tiger -- a knock-down all-out fight for the title of True Affrontery to the World of Fashion (tm)!

With so much attention focused to the shoes of the fighters (and they, too, will be keeping their eyes at foot level), not much has been made of another key to this Battle Royale (R) -- the Hair Factor (msg).

While both have hair that would appear to have been made by dark/gray plaster artisans from the south of France, Leona has the "Big Hair" edge, a kind of Ivana-Trump-Wannabe puff that will allow her to hide brass knuckles, a knife, heel replacements, a fleet of bodyguards, etc. to pummel the DKNY out of poor Imelda.

The prison rage (tm) does come in under this case because it will have been behind bars that Leona would have learned to smuggle such lethal items (and a pack of Camels to boot) in her crime coif. Leona in 3 rounds with a manicure between the 2nd and 3rd.

- Omar L. Gallaga

a savage battle of third world guile and cosmopolitan brass. I wouldn't touch this bet with a cattle prod, tho I wouldn't mind blasting either contestant with a tazer.

- Fredolph S. Bing

While there's a good deal to be said for Leona's years of experience in browbeating legions of carpethugging minimum-wage service beetles, I just don't see how we can overlook Imelda's earn-while-you-learn dictatorship background. Her late husband, now frozen stiff (with precious little noticeable change from his facial expression in life, I might add), set a nearly unparalleled record of disregard for human life or dignity during his term in "office.".

Do either of you REALLY think that sort of home life wouldn't rub off on Imelda? Get real . . . I say the Filipino Phee-nom(tm) will squash old Leona like a hotel kitchen cockroach -- most likely, without getting a carefully-coiffed hair out of place -- within ten seconds of the opening bell. God knows, I'd love to root for a contender out of our own U.S. of A., but you've gotta face the facts.

- Mark Albright

Definitely got to give this one to Leona simply because she's the more gritty of the two--plus she has been in the business for years. Don't count Imelda out though, like any collector nothing will get in the way to acheive the prize-in this case pumps. And after all, Imelda probably could use a good pump nowadays.

- Walter Chomow

I'm sorry, I don't buy into the belief that Leona Helmsly is in a "Hard Core" women's prison working out with the "Incarcerated Lesbian Biker Babes" (tm). More like she is sitting on her butt behind a 200Mhz P6 with 64meg of RAM, 4gig hard drive, and T1 access to the "net" (tm), (purchased with our tax money), writing her next book and surfing the net for people using her name for fun and profit!

Imelda, on the other hand, has ruthlessly ruled a country, survived at least 5 coups and has learned to get what she wants. Notice which "criminal" is in jail ... not Imelda.

No the fight will not happen. At the last moment, the US government will send in the troops to once again bail her out. Some sunglass clad CIA operative will step in and remove the shoes when no one is looking, the Army will sweep Leona up and whisk her away on and Air Force jet to a Navy ship full of sailors for a cruise around the world.

- Kurt Eibell

Ironically, comfortable but definately out of style shoes will be the difference in this epic battle. While Imelda will be wearing her fashionable high heeled shoes, Leona will still be wearing her prison loafers. Leona will get to the contested shoes first, and plant a high heel in Imelda's head ala Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female. Though Leona emerges victorious, the shoes will be of no use to her because of the blood stains, which are just so passe!

- Joshua Nelson, Indiana State University

In the world of catfights, this is indeed a battle of panther versus tiger -- a knock-down all-out fight for the title of True Affrontery to the World of Fashion (tm)!

The prison rage (tm) does come in under this case because it will have been behind bars that Leona would have learned to smuggle such lethal items (and a pack of Camels to boot) in her crime coif.

Leona in 3 rounds with a manicure between the 2nd and 3rd.

- Omar L. Gallaga, University of Oklahoma

Imelda, on the other hand, has ruthlessly ruled a country, survived at least 5 coups and has learned to get what she wants. Notice which "criminal" is in jail ... not Imelda.

- Kurt Eibell

There's doubt in my mind as to whether Leona has always been a woman. Combine that with a prison term and Leona is a Testosterone Volcano waiting to blow!

- Frank Weil

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Boris Yeltsin v. Ted Kennedy
Martha Stewart v. Kathie Lee Gifford
Grudge Match™ hosts Ladies' Night™