Situated against the far wall, between the player piano and the fake, plastic dart boards, is an amazing display. Two separate tables each with tremendous and identical helpings of food: one roasted pig (small); two roasted chickens; 15 BBQ beef ribs; 3 Maine lobsters; 10 mashed potatoes; 10 ears of corn; 1 loaf of bread; a 1 pound Caesar's salad; 2 apple pies; one gallon of Breyer's (tm) All-Natural Vanilla Ice Cream (tm); 1 roll of Mentos, the Freshmaker (tm). And in addition to this food is one quarter keg of Samuel Adams Honey Brown Lager. The contest: which contestest can finish off the food AND the beer first.
At one table sits a man that must be harnessed so that he does not begin eating the food early. This is the same man that almost put the Frying Dutchman out of business with his tremendous appetite. The man that eats shrimp by the steam tray full. This man also loves beer, but can he handle a whole quarter keg?...
At the other table sits a man that must be harnessed so that he does not begin drinking the beer early. This is the same man that ran a bar tab larger than the GNP of several third world countries. The man that drinks beer by the pitcher full. This man also has a hearty appetite, known to order the Feeding Frenzy For Two for himself, but can he handle this much food?...
The contest begins when the harnesses are released. Whomever finishes first wins, with the winner getting to take home whatever the loser has left over. Groundskeeper Willy and "Tiny" the bouncer are present to make sure that the contestants stick to their own tables.
Norm's only eating abilities come into play at the Hungry Heifer, where, as previously mentioned. he usually gets the Feeding Frenzy for Two (tm). This is a meal for two supposedly hungry people. Impressive, but not overwhelming. His beer drinking prowess is not what you make it out to be. Sure, he drinks beer after beer, but he does it slowly, over the course of an entire evening. He is the equivalent of the distance runner with endurance. Unfortunately for him, sprinter abilities are required for this match. Alas, his vast bar tab exists only because he hasn't paid in years, not because of how much he drinks.
Homer's eating skills are the best in the world, with Mr. Creosote (the fat guy from Monty Python's Meaning of Life) coming in a close second. Who else could eat the Frying Dutchman into submission? Who else could eat everything on the menu at the Japanese restaurant? Who else could inspire so much fear at the Springfield Chili Festival? And of course, no one polishes off a box of donuts like Homer. And his drinking is pretty impressive too, second only to Bob MacKenzie, eh? Starting off at a tender young age, he has honed his drinking abilities. With Barney as his mentor, he has learned all the finer points of drinking. And let's not forget his trip to the Duff Brewery -- he can drink quite a bit! All in all, Homer is a far superior eater and drinker to Norm. Homer will be wiping off his mouth, while Norm struggles on the potatoes.
BRIAN: Have you by any chance recently participated in one of these competitions, Steve? You must have, because the only way I can rationalize your insane analysis is due to some sort of glucose/alcohol induced dementia. First of all, while I must admit that Homer could eat more, Norm will be able to finish off the food requirement. Yes, he does order the Feeding Frenzy for Two. But can we assume that that is all he can eat? For all we know that's just a light snack. Perhaps an appetizer. All we know is that that is the minimum he can eat. Given enough motivation, he could eat much more quite easily. Especially since he will have so much time to finish.
How will he have so much time? Beer. While Norm is weaker in the food category, Homer is far weaker in the beer department. Despite your suggestions, Norm can slam down the beers. We've seen him finish whole beers in less than 2 seconds on several occasions. The one time he tried to hold himself to one beer, he held out for about 10 minutes then ordered a pitcher. But the real key: he never gets drunk. He'll sit on that stool all day, drinking beer by the gallon, and never get drunk. Homer, however, is another story. Again, despite your suggestions, he can't hold his liquor. Remember when he "taught" Bart about the Birds & the Bees(tm)? Six beers and he's a blathering idiot (more so). Remember that party they threw? A little drink or two and the doctor's advising Marge to turn Homer on his side.
Look at it this way: each contestant will finish one part of the contest easily, but will struggle with the other. When Norm struggles with the food, he'll just pause, let the food settle and then continue. But when Homer struggles with the beer, he'll pause, pass out, and wake up twelve hours later with a stomach full of activated carbon. Norm wins an extra hour's worth of free beer.
STEVE: At best Norm can hope to keep up with Homer on the drinking end of things. To even suggest that "Homer is far weaker in the beer department" is pure heresy. Sure, Norm can drink a substantial amount, but he is, after all, human. Homer is not limited to such physical encumbrances.
However, Norm will lose for another reason. Norm has too many distractions working against him. First of all, Norm can't drink beer when he's not sitting at his favorite corner stool. Have you ever seen him drink when he's not sitting there? It may be physically impossible.
Second, Norm is not used to such competition. He easily dominates eating and drinking with the crowd he hangs out with at Cheers. When he first beholds Homer "'Tis a Remorseless Eating Machine" Simpson, he will be utterly amazed, and will lose the Eye of the Tiger (tm). The wind will be swept from his sails. And, of course, just as Norm is sitting down to eat, Diane will walk up to him and somehow convince him that this event is juvenile and not worth his time. Norm throws in the towel before it begins, and Homer wins by default.
Homer has repeatedly shown himself immune to any distractions whatsoever. His trademark slogan "Can't talk -- eating" demonstrates this with amazing clarity. His continual daydreams about dancing doughnuts show he is single-minded of purpose. He's even immune to demonic voices taking over his mind: "Can't murder family -- eating." Homer will be rock-solid, unwavering like a freight train coming down the tracks in his determination to win this event. Homer will finish in 5 minutes, and will then help Norm finish off his appetizers since he's still hungry.
BRIAN: Oh, so now Norm sits on a magic stool, is that it? He gets his drinking powers from sitting on a certain piece of furniture? Now you've clearly lost all touch with reality, Steve. Sure, Norm loves his stool, but he doesn't rely on it like it's some mythical Sword and Magic Helmet (tm). We've seen Norm drink in plenty of other places: at Cliff's when he's painting, at ball games, and, yes, at the Hungry Heifer. Norm feels at home here, and that will be to his advantage.
And I scoff at your assertion that Norm is "human". Sure, George Wendt (tm) is human, but Norm is a TV character. Thus, he can do virtually anything the writers tell him to do. True, he won't have quite the range as Homer the cartoon, but for this competition Norm won't need to survive two consecutive falls down the Springfield Gorge. He just needs to drink a heck of a lot of beer and eat a heck of a lot of food. These are things he has an established history in, so the writers will easily make it so that he devours all that he sees. Homer, however, also has an established history: he can't drink more than a six pack without losing control of several motor functions. And the Simpsons writers, as we all know, are far too consistent from week to week to ever change that. Poor Homer will be "kissing the sky" before he's halfway through the keg.
And as far as female influence, Diane is a complete non-factor. Carla would have long since shoved "bleach-bag" to the rear in order to cheer Norm on, and possibly even help him cheat. If any women are going to interfere with this contest, it will be Marge and Lisa. Far too concerned about Homer's health, they drag him to the ER when he passes out 30 minutes into the contest. Norm, unsatisfied with this conquest, then moves on to single-handedly outdrink all of the employees at Gary's Old Town Tavern (tm).
For Cheers links, visit Sitcoms Online.
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He polishes off dessert while Norm is felled by an ice-cream headache, then lies under the keg and cranks the spigot. It looks like an easy coast to the finish line, when a tiny *pop* goes off in Homer's brain.
The infusion of alcohol has killed off one of his seven remaining brain cells. This casualty was the cell that told Homer how to swallow. Three busty lifeguards from "Baywatch" have to pull him out before he drowns in the suds.
With most of Homer's beer spilled on the floor, the victory goes to Norm by forfeit. Norm takes a leisurely hour to finish the rest of the meal, and walks to the parking lot surrounded by well-wishers -- just in time.
Homer snaps out of it, pats his stomach, and belches. The blast disintegrates the Hungry Heifer, killing everybody left inside. Norm witnesses the destruction from a safe distance, and begins to weep ... then decides to head to Cheers for a nightcap and some beer nuts.
- Call me Shane
Cliff: Hey, Normie, it's a little-known fact that BBQ ribs were
invented by a mail carrier.
Norm: (grunt)
Cliff: It's also a little-known fact that lobsters aren't native to
the waters near Maine. They were actually brought over from
central Iowa as part of the "New Deal."
Norm: Cliffy, can it wait? I'm eating here.
Cliff: Normie, it's a little-known fact that mashed potatoes are
less nutritious than french fries. It seems that when the milk
and air mix with the potato, they chemically combine to form a
mild poison.
Norm: Cliff, who cares?
Cliff: It's also a little-known fact that they weren't originally
called "ears" of corn. They were first called toes of corn, but
Podiatrists complained that people might start eating their own
feet, so they changed the name.
Norm: Cliffy, shut up!
Cliff: Normie, it's a little-known fact that loaf of bread is a
misnomer. The last thing that could be said about baked goods
is that they are loafing. Those are active little pastries!
With that, Norm gets up and punches Cliff. Homer, having learned
to ignore Marge, is not distracted by the bar trivia and finishes his
food before Cliff hits the floor. Judge: Congratulations, Homer, you are the winner. Betcha feel like you're going to explode, huh?
Homer hadn't waited for the official ruling and was already snarfing food from Norm's table. He, however, was polite enough to respond to the judge's question.
Homer: Can't talk. Eating.
- Mark Wentz
Meanwhile Norm has finished the beer and is disqualified for trying to move his food closer to Homer.
1. His friends Sam and Cliff (who will inevitably screw up, thus Cliff may not be in on this one) who can help rig the match. They may well have offered Homer a free meal on the way to the match. Homer, the dim-wit, will undoubtedly accept and come to the match full. What looks like stark hunger may well be his 'I've over-eaten' half catatonia.
2. Norm is a real person and Homer is a cartoon. Thus, Norm and his friends can generally beat up, injure, crush Homer a la Roger Rabbit and get away with it on network TV, as long as it's in a funny way. Homer is a true toon in that he can skate board off the Grand Canyon (tm) and survive.
3. If there is any substantial prize involved, Homer must lose. Homer has never won anything useful. It may look like he'll win for awhile, but he'll screw up. Of course, his family will love him anyway and he will for a brief moment remember what's important in life.
4. This is not real meat. It's the Hungry Heffer -- that means loobster(tm) and fake steak. Homer's not used to it, he eats real food, whereas Norm thrives on it.
- Don McClure
The eating contest begins with each contestant following his advantage - Homer is shoveling food into his mouth like water over Niagara Falls, while Norm is holding the keg over his head, while beer pours down his gullet like, well, like water over Niagara falls. Homer's toon metabolism and enormous holding capacity seem to be winning the contest, as half the food disappears in two minutes time. But suddenly the bar's phone rings - Moe answers it, mumbles a bit, and walks over to Norm, anouncing "Phil Dupp? Are you Phil Dupp?" Norm's superior concentration and love for beer allows him to ignore this obvious prank call, but Homer is rocked with laughter, giving Norm time to drain the keg and begin on his food.
Well, it looks bad for Homer, who is way ahead on the food, but hasn't even touched his beer - and he knows he can't hold his beer that well... He finishes the last of his food as Norm consumes his roast pig. Homer takes a sip of beer, and begins to break down, ready to acknowledge defeat. Suddenly, a voice in his head - no, from across the room! - mutters - "Homer, I've got a thousand dollars riding on you - lose and you're fired!" It is, of course, Mr. Burns, who learned of the contest through his various connections. Even worse, he's got Norm's never-before-seen wife tied up and gagged next to him. Norm is torn between love and sustenance, distracting him, while Homer gets his second wind out of necessity, downing the beer and immediately passing out. The story ends happily enough, though - Norm's wife is released (Mr. Burns got what he wanted, after all, and is above lawsuits), Homer gets a HUGE doggie bag, but Norm manages to sneak out some ribs from the pile for a midnight snack, also getting a free beer from Moe in appreciation of the business drummed up (although Moe is still wondering about the little punk who keeps prank-calling him...)
- The Bunyip
- ken-ichi ueda
- Slepyhed
Let us not forget; this is a man who has tangled with the very depths of Hell(tm) itself. A man who, by his sheer force of will, gobbled donuts from the ninth ring to the first, daring Mephisto himself to call his bloated bluff. Homer has seen the darkest side of compulsive gluttony, AND HAS YET RISEN AGAIN LIKE A CHOCOLATEY-ICED PHOENIX FROM THE SPRINKLY ASHES OF HADES' INFERNAL CONFECTIONARY FLAME!!!
Norm's a pudgy funny guy who cracks one liners. He could never withstand the fires of Hell(tm), those very pentecostal flames which brought forth the legendary masticulatory prowess of Homer J. Simpson. Like my Grandma always said: "When two fat guys go wrasslin', always bet on the guy who can go to hell and back to whupp some ass."
Homer in the third by 5400 calories.
- Tengu:<>
At this critical juncture, Monty Burns will pull up in front of the Hungry Hefer(tm) with Smithers, his sycophant(tm) in tow. Homer and Norm will find themselves blocked from crossing the street by Burns' limo, and will consume the Mentos and attempt to cross by climbing through the limo. Burns, in a fit of rage, will order Smithers to release the robotic Richard Simmons(tm), who will, in turn, force both Norm and Homer to Sweat To The Oldies(tm) until both keel over with massive coronaries. Homer will outlive Norm by critical seconds, but will be unable to consume the final Mentos(tm) necessary to win the match.
The robotic Richard Simmons wins, as the patrons of the Hungry Hefer(tm) laugh at the senseless loss of life in a Mentos(tm) induced state of euphoria.
- Derek
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen of the Springfield Academy of Science. My experiment that I will present today will prove how subconscious motivations can quickly turn a normal everyday homo sapien into a caveman like Nethanderal even in the simplest of tasks. The subject is Homer Simpson, an ordinary suburbanite whose IQ is so low, his only useful skills are, in layman's terms, eating and drinking. In this experiment, we place this subject in an advantageous environment, in this case an eating and drinking contest with a clearly inferior opponent.
As you can see from these slides, Homer jumps out to an early lead conmsuming large quantities of food in a matter of minutes. His opponent "Norm" shortly thereafter finishes an equally large quantity of alcohol. However, with his main motivation of ingesting liberal amounts of free alcoholic beverages gone, "Norm" only leisurely digests his food. As for Mr. Simpson, he need only, if you will, "chug-a-lug"" his alcohol to win the contest. But as you will hear from the recently patented Frink Brain-O-Reader, his thought patterns are anything but logical:
HOMER: Uh oh! What do I do now? Brain? BRAIN?!
BRAIN: *yawn* What year is this? 1988?
HOMER: Who cares! I need help... I forgot what I was supposed to do...
they're going to laugh at me...
BRAIN: Let's see, alcohol kills brain cells... need a plan... AHA...
why don't you just keep doing what you were doing?
HOMER: This could be a trick... What was I doing?
BRAIN: Eating free food...
HOMER: WOO-HOO!
Then as you can see in the next slide, Homer, with THX Bionic sound effects, quickly accelerates past the designated bouncers and assaults the other buffet, devouring everything including the placemats in approximately 5.73 seconds. Unsatisfied by this meal, the animal, er, subject searches for new sources of nourishment - here, digesting the sponsors' mascots Mr. Peanut and Mr. Butterworth; here, devouring his fourth turkey in the frozen food aisle of a local supermarket; and finally here, attempting to swallow the Oscar Meyer Weiner truck out in the parking lot where he is sedated by animal control officers. Later on, Mr. Simpson would be mistaken for a rare Mountain Gorilla, tagged and released into the wilds of Zaire. This entire episode, er, incident climaxes in an one-hour Simpson cliffhanger in which the Simpson clan goes on safari to reclaim their lost member with the help of Sigourney Weaver and special guest voices James Earl Jones and Marlon Brando. Meanwhile, "Norm" is declared the winner and celebrates by consuming Homer's quarter keg and breaking the world record for B.A.C. in a surviving human being.
Now as a control group, I used these two specially bred super-mice in this cage... oh my, where did they go... WAIT, STAY AWAY FROM THAT BUTTON... -*BOOM*-
- Paul Golba
- Dental
- RevKurt
However, I'm going to have to invoke Cartoon Physics(TM) here and declare victory for Homer. When Homer spent the day in Hell--Ironic Punishments Division(TM), he was forcefed millions of dougnuts and seemed quite happy about it. I just don't think the banquet spread would slow him down at all. He'd just Hoover(TM) up the food, lie down under the keg, and open both his mouth and the tap, as he learned from Barney. He may pass out like this, but his ingestion instincts will serve him well, even unconscious, as the Homer Kong(TM) episode proved when he ate Smithers while tranquilized.
Norm is a worthy opponent, but he is not an infinitely expandable cartoon being. This is simply not a level playing field.
-Jason-
- JESter
- Jason
- Mark
- Noel Schornhorst
- M. Lewis
Norm will polish off the beer in a matter of seconds and will begin attacking the food. While Norm slowly and steadily eats all the food in front of him, Homer will be stuck eating the never-ending BBQ beef rib (tm). After Norm is declared the winner, he sends a thank you note to Matt Groening that reads:
Thanks for the free beer and food, you lazy, under-achieving, hack cartoonist. Norm P.
- HotBranch!
Norm is a human. Norm's eating and drinking abilities are limited by biology.
So if we just make it funny for Homer to win, say ... by making the first-prize a year's supply of Gummy Venus-d'Milo's, Homer wins with ease (and immediately explodes upon eating one gummy of the prize)
- Hawke
- Paul
- Beej
But when we scrutinize the current match-up, we notice a gaping discrepancy: Homer loves beer, so much so that he marks one of the best days of his life an opportunity to prance naked under a shower of the stuff. This and his bottomless gut (remeber his stage name? Bottomless Pete), combined with the fact that he is a cartoon (thus not subject to the laws of science) should lead him to an easy victory. Perhaps if the food present was 100% beer nuts, Norm would have a chance, but it looks pretty bad for him. Homer will be licking his plate clean and nibbling at Norm's plate before Norm can even crack one of his famous one-liners.
- Paco Picopiedra
- Colin
- TJ Calmeyn
1. Homer diving face-first into a sandwich(?). Marge gasping.
2. Homer and the world's largest submarine sandwich. Marge worried.
3. Homer posing next to the world's largest donut on vacation. Marge
mortified.
Who else but Homer could finish that moldy green sandwich? Homer J. Simpson. Who else but Homer would refuse to let go of a vending-machine snack item at the cost of his arm? Or wear a nacho hat to attend a football game with Ned Flanders? Or order pork chops in the middle of the night?
As for his drinking ability, Homer has been greatly underestimated by the both of you. Who else could abandon his daughter in her hour of need to drink one beer? Or introduce Moe's barflies as his "family" to his future son-in-law, Hugh Grant? And let us not forget his lifelong dream to ride the Duff Brewery blimp which he so nobly abandoned to bankroll Lisa's beauty pageant.
Homer's love for beer marked by his catch phrase "Aaahhh...beer" is the cornerstone of my drinking career. When I cry over one, I always remember Homer's dictum: "Good old trustworthy beer--my love for YOU will never die."
- Andy Ho "Secret Asian Man" (or not so secret)
- Ted Kreutz
Norm: "Thank you, {gasp}, Thank you {gasp} Let me.... catch.....my breath, {long pause}. I would just like to thank my friends who made it possible for me to CRUSH(TM) Homer like a bug. Cliff Clavin for his hundreds of little known facts on eating and the physics of Mentos, for example mixing Mentos and mash potatoes has a thinning effect on the potatoes for better eatability(TM). Sam passed on his secret to having many diners with different women in one night. Dr. Fraiser Craine for devising a winning game plan of Positive Rewards(TM) - Just Eat the food to get to the BEER. Dr. Lilith Craine for helping me develop the mental toughness to block out extreme physical discomfort and focus on eating. I can't forget Carla who helped me train by shoving pasta down my throat long after I throught I was going to puke. And of course Woody for helping me hold on to my impossible dream, Thank you all. I would like take this time to announce the Rematch - 'NORM/HOMER REGURGITATED', has been scheduled for July 16. $29.95 on PayPerView(TM) with a money back guarantee that no one will Blow Chunks(TM) in the first round.
- Gladi8r
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Cliff Clavin v. Newman
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches
Forrest Gump v. Rainman
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