"So, what do you think of that new student Elly May Clampett?" asked Brenda.
Without hesitation, Dylan replies, "She is one serious nutcase. I think she's stalking me! And those animals everywhere! What backwoods place did she come from, anyway?"
Brandon sighs. "Both her and her cousin are a couple of weirdos if you ask me. And the whole neighborhood is completely unbearable since they moved in. The smell of barnyard animals everywhere, gunshots at all hours, and I think that mean old lady they call Granny is running an underground liquor business."
Kelly pipes in, too. "Yeah. And that Jethro. He won't leave me alone! He's always hitting on me and just won't take the hint to go away. Can't we do something about them? They're making my life miserable!"
"Elly May, Jethro, you two look as glum as a wet hound dog. Don't you like going to your new school?"
"Shucks Uncle Jed, there's some right pretty girls at that school, even prettier than Miss Hathaway! I started talking to a couple of them named Brenda and Kelly. The next thing I know some guys are asking me to leave. Just as I was about to tell them about my plans to become a brain surg--"
The discussion is suddenly interrupted by the sound of breaking glass and tires screeching. In the front yard of the Clampett's is standing Brandon, Dylan, and Steve, throwing rocks and breaking windows. They might have been drinking. "Go back to Hickville!" They hop in their car and drive off.
Granny excitedly pulls out her shotgun. "We got us a feud! Come on Jed!"
"You might just be right this time, Granny. Let's go."
Beverly Hillbillies vs. Beverly Hills 90210
JOHN: Well, Steve, this is a tough one, but I have to go with the Beverly Hillbillies over the gang from Beverly Hills 92010. And the reasons go way beyond our shared affinity for (ahem) off-market distilled beverages. For example, the Hillbillies served as a textured metaphor for the integration of racial and cultural minorities into the dominant white culture of 1950s middle America. By contrast, the whities of 92101 were so afraid of black people that they actually canceled a football game with a team from South Central L.A. How anyone could pick these poltroons over a moonshine-enhanced Granny Daisy is beyond me.
The only advantage that could be assumed by the teenagers arises from their very status as rich kids. But, truth be told, the Beverly Hillbillies are actually much richer than the 91902ies. The Clampetts received their $25 million in the 1950s, which, in inflation-adjusted dollars, would amount to something like $147 million in the Beverly Hills 90902's 1993. And it'd probably be worth even more today, what with the Clampett's record as investors, owning such things as a bank, a movie studio, and Canada. As for the sheer mass of combatants, as abundant as the cast from 199020 got towards the latter years, there'll always be more hillbillies to call upon for backup. They're hillbillies - overbreeding is one of their defining characteristics. Imagine the battle scenes from Braveheart, only with corn cob pipes and flared shotguns.
There's really nothing that the Hillbillies need to worry about from the teenaged crew. The women are singularly focused on romance and fashion, whereas at least Elly May was known to have outside interests in bear and ape herding, and space travel. The men of 90010 are even more pathetic - Hellman's Light "rebel" Dylan, docile Brandon, and dog-faced Ian Ziering, who continues to play a teenager at age 75. At the end of the day, tout le gang always ended up back in the womblike embrace of the Peach Pit, drinking decaf and sharing Hungry Man(tm)-sized portions of empathy. Well, that may pass for group cohesion in the big city, folks, but this here's the sticks! Four bottles of Granny's special potion later, steam shooting from their ears, the Clampetts descend on the Peach Pit and actually improve Donna's looks with a Kentucky Fried Beating. Later, on a Very Special Episode (tm) of the Beverly Hillbillies dealing with violence (pro), the clan learn life lessons from guest stars Eva Gabor and Paul Lynde.
They're wealthier. They're more numerous. They have the Old Woman on Moonshine(tm) factor. The Beverly Hillbillies are here, they're queer, get used to it!
STEVE: I have to disagree with you on this one. The hillbillies (I'm referring to Uncle Jed & Co., not to Bill & Hillary Clinton) are going to find out what Beverly Hills is all about. Underneath the land of glitz, there is abundant evil and mischief.
The opening scene. Early morning, the sun is shining. Slowly pan in on the Clampett's mansion, gentle music playing. Next we see Elly May sound asleep in her bed. She's tossing and turning a little. The music turns a little darker. She wakes up, noticing something strange in her bed. She feels around, a little alarmed. The background music turns violent. She pulls back the covers to reveal... the bloody head of her pet chimpanzee Cousin Bessie. She screams in horror! ... Yep, that's how they do things in Beverly Hills. The Clampetts are going to get more education than Jethro's sixth grade knowledge can match.
Which brings me to a whole other point. The Clampetts are just plain D-U-M-B dumb. They were all proud of Jethro and his brainy sixth grade education. How many times do they need to see gopher egg hunting ("Golf") or the fancy eatin' table ("Billiards") before they get it? They're so slow it's painful. Sure, they may know vittles, varmints, and moonshine, but those skills are irrelevant in Beverly Hills. How are they going to handle swarms of lawyers bearing lawsuits? Zoning violations? Lines of animal rights protesters marching up and down their yard day and night? The Paparazzi following an "anonymous" lead of a Liz Taylor sighting at their mansion? The kids of 90210 can bring these things to bear, and it will erode the Clampetts. They'll be heading back to the little shed in the woods in no time.
If there's one group of people you don't want to go up against, it's high school kids. They just don't give a crap about the consequences of anything they do. (At least in the world of TV and movies...) They got daddy to bail them out. Not only that, but high school kids are mean. And these ones are especially tough. Look at their rap sheets! Drunk driving, trips to Mexico, drugs, gambling, arrests, suicide. You want to steer clear of this bunch. They'll make mincemeat out of the Clampetts, and be home in time for supper. 90210 in a landslide victory.
JOHN: Wow, I can't wait to see how the Beverly Hills kids take advantage of their superior expertise in suicide to beat the Clampetts. "Look everyone, it's the hillbillies! To the Kool-Aid!".
Your attempts to make Brandon, et al, look like refugees from a Hughes Brothers film are rather sad. Refugees from a John Hughes film, now that I'd believe. Major plot point of 90210: "Donna has trouble deciding between lifelong but androgynous sweetheart David, and Ray, who beats her nightly.
Look, Steve, the Beverly Hillbillies may be, in your quaint turn of phrase, "D-U-M-B" dumb, but are they Donna Martin dumb? Or, should I say, "D-U-X-R..., uh, K ...uh, 43?" dumb? Not a chance. Why, when Elly May and Granny left the mansion in a quest for equal rights, what was the first thing that Jed and Jethro did? That's right, bring in several geisha girls to wait on them hand and foot. That is a level of pre-Clintonesque raw animal cunning that guarantees victory for the slackjaws.
Don't forget, while the Beverly Hills kids are worthless ne'er-do-wells who parlay their family's wealth into prestige jobs as cabana boys/busboys for the Peach Pit and numerous drunk driving arrests, the Clampetts are considered pillars of the community by not only bankers, but Hollywood moguls eager to get financing for their next big flick (never underestimate the family underwriting Dash Riprock's latest film). Not to mention that Granny with her new-age, herbal (ok, raccoon-based) remedies is one of Beverly Hills' most respected doctors. I don't think we have to wonder too much where city officials' sympathies lie. By nightfall, this feud has wrapped up with the Clampetts kicking back in front of the possum roast, while all the kids are rounded up by officer "Ramon" of the LAPD after they fall for the banana in the tailpipe gag.
STEVE: Geisha girls are "raw animal cunning?" Really? I thought that was just one step away from being a mail order bride for the most desperate losers. That hardly makes your point. And the Clampetts were anything but "pillars" as you say. Everyone knew they were suckers, and would throw their money at idiotic ideas faster than Homer Simpson watching an infomercial. Everyone likes a stupid guy with money -- just ask anyone in Vegas.
The fact that the 90210 gang do "parlay" their parents' wealth into jobs at the Peach Pit probably does make them "worthless ne'er-do-wells". But ask yourself this question: Which should you fear more: A worthless ne'er-do-well or a Grade-A Harvard-bound pre-med prep snob? Was the bully at your school worthless or successful? How about John Hinckley, Dylan Klebold, Timothy McVeigh, or for that matter anyone who ever appeared on COPS? Don't forget, the worthless ne'er-do-well has nothing to lose. They'll fight with heart, and that's exactly why they'll win.
I see the following outcomes:
Before anybody knows what's happening, Ellie May and Brandon have snuck off together and are singing "Tonight, tonight, won't be just any night..."
Within five minutes of his first encounter with Grannie, Dylan is back on the sauce. Brendan and Kelly are *very concerned*.
Brian Austin Green (I don't remember his character's name, just that vanilla-ice hairdo for which he must be punished) lands a job with Mr. Drysdale, enters the world of high-powered banking, discovers cocaine is even better than Crystal Meth and has a massive heart attack.
Donna thinks she has finally found her perfect mate in Jethro, who has all of Ray's qualities except for the whole domestic abuse thing, until he gets into a flatulence contest with his new best friend, Ian Zierling (He was Steve, right?)
Kelly finally finds what she needs in life, a father figure who can nurture, yet someone she can be useful to, teaching him the ways of Beverly Hills, none other than Mr. Jed Clampett.
I'm proud to say that I know absolutly nothing about Beverly Hills 90210, other than Torrie Spelling is the most glaring example of Nepotism in Hollywood, except maybe Sophia Coppola (possible Grudge Match (tm) there?).
What I do know is never, EVER mess with a poor mountain man who can barely keep his family fed. Just ask Ned Beatty.
The Clampetts got their money through oil. That means they have George W. Bush and Dick Cheney firmly in their overall pocket. They could order squadrons of bombers to blow 90210 back to 90210 B.C. Ce-ment ponds would crack, movie stars' plastic surgery would unsnap and raisinize the casts of an upcoming reunion special. Palm trees and Range Rovers would be subject to flames that only spoons in the Downey household were previously. Unlike in Afghanistan, there'd be no public outcry of whether these people deserves to be bombed. All that would remain is page 14 of a pilot script about a wacky live TV show, where the boss's elderly mother describes a falling elevator as "a bitchin' ride."
- Kilgore Trout
Kelly: "Hey, my Commerce Bank credit card got rejected."
- Dr. Stones
This all breaks down to the power of their weapons. Hillbillies: the power of guns. 90210: the power of an entire zip code worth of angst.
being familiar with the strength of high school angst, the hillbillies don't stand a chance. 90210 takes them out, and decimates most of the greater Hollywood area in the process
2 T.V ratings giants. 1 battle. Its called grudgematch(tm), where anything you thought you knew about street fighting(tm) goes straight down the shitter. Here are several reasons why each should win, then we have the fight.
BEVERLY HILLBILLIES: #1- What can I say? These people are inbred hicks. They NEVER go anywhere without their guns. Be it muskets, rifles, or six-shooters, they have a gun somewhere on their bodies, in plain view. #2- Hicks can SPIT. Especially the old 'uns. And as I recall, there's a grandma in the bunch. Give her a bit of 'baccy, and step back. She'll blind the lot with gobby, brown, phlegm. #3- Jethro. Hes a smart one. Graduated from Oxen-Ford. He'll use his expert knowledge of math and geometry to constuct a catapult, using sticks and mud. (The math will help with trajection and whatnot, morons. Read a book)
BEVERLY HILLS 90210- For the love of god. Bad actors coupled with real, hardcore fans. What is wrong with this planet? Anywho, reason #1- Their collective bad acting energies forms a protective barrier. This will prevent the granny globs(tm) from hitting them. (I could go into great detail as to how this shield works, but only upon the request of the staff of grudgematch[tm]) #2- These are soap opera actors. Soap is slippery. Soap actors= Really slippery actors! So, we can confirm that any chokeholds aplied by the hillbilly bunch will end in failure, and soapy arms. Also, soap reduces friction, giving them superhuman speed! Now I'm beginning to doubt wether the Hillbillies can pull this off! #3- Numbers. Soap operas have actors upon actors upon actors! There is no stopping the onslaught of fakery (tm) that spills from these people! The hillbillies have no chance against this army. Unless the hillbillies call up thier realtives! Hillbillie families stretch across continents! Its like the state motto for Kansas. Kansas- 5 million people, 15 last names. That means that this mere fight has escalated to an all out war! Lock up your children, this is going to be bloody.
Now listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer who kicked the (bleep) out of some wussy city kids! Just outside the Beverly Hills 90210 mansion, a beat up old packard rolls up. Out comes the hitmen of the family, Cousin Jebediah and Uncle Isaac. They're packin muskets, and they mean trouble. They sneak in through a hole previously cut through the wire fence. Quickly and stealthily, they creep up a log flight of stairs. They know where to go. Cousin Jebediah creeps into the master bedroom, and pins the message above the bed. The war has begun.
June 15, 2002- The battle is to take place on the fields of Hollywood, lot 96, on the 90210 home turf. Jethro is the sniper, ready to take out the first soap actor in sight. Jed is waiting, in full view, for the first shots to be fired. THe rest of the gang, and there is quite a few, are hiding in the surrounding area, to hide their numbers. All of the sudden, a shot rings out. One of the soapies (tm) got scared and fired a shot. It hits the dirt by Jeds feet. Then, without warning, the ground trembles. From up the Grassy Knoll (tm) comes the Army of United Soapies. Numbering in the thousands and armed to the surgically enhanced teeth, there is no stopping them. But they didnt expect the Hillbillies to round up all thier relatives. Trained in guerilla warfare, the hicks are not a force to trifle with. Although the Soapies have much better weaponry, they were trained by none other than... the french. Yes, the french. The never-win-a-damn-thing-no-matter-how-many-chances-you-get french. Why? Because they thought it was "tres chic" at the time (thats "very cool" in french, moron. Learn a language) Well, after a short and bloody massacre, the Hillbillies take it home. Bringing only the shoes of the dead as prizes, they return back to the sticks and backwoods of whatever state they came from. I can insult them because I live in Newfoundland and they have NO idea where that is. Ill give you a hint: CANADA. Anyways, the Beverly Hillbillies win in 8 minutes because of the teeming mass of panicky idiots. Sorry, i meant Soapies. Well, if there is anything we learn from this is that you dont mess with the hicks, because they have connections. Next time, think twice before making a joke about that old toothless farmer in dirty coveralls, no matter how tempting. May the Iron Fist(tm) by merciful.
- Fitz- The Swift and Mighty Iron Fist Of Justice (not a spinoff, a new series!)
Haven't you seen "Deliverance"?
Hicks vs. City Folk = painful to sit down for weeks. Ass kicking or otherwise.
- Johnny Ginter
The deciding factor here is personal problems. And guns.
The 90210ers have personal problems such as having to do without a
beautician for a week.
After throwing stones at the mansion Dylan and the rest of the team will have to deal with one of those little insignificant details that nevertheless will occupy them for a comercial hour.
The Clampetts meanwhile break out the artillary and strap on their skinning knives.
Now if this was TV there'd be a spirited shoot-out but nothing but the decor of the Peach-Pit would get damaged. This not being subject to TV censors, good taste or any standard of decency I envisage a massacare worthy of Sam Peckinpah. The 90210ers designer clothes will soak up the blood and entrails. Donna is scalped by Elly-Mae.
In the trial the Clampetts recieve the benefit of Chalton Heston himself of the NRA throwing in his support of these "obviously virtuous, decent people." The Clampetts get a wrist slap from the Judge (who never liked the yuppie larvae) and are required to register their small arsenal.
The hillbillies are going to win. Why? because people who vote on grudge match are geeks, and there is no one a geek hates more than someone who was actually rich, popular and getting laid in high school.
- ex agent
Well, lets log on to the WWWF and see what's goin' on today kiddies! Hmm...90210 vs The Beverly Hillbillies!?! I'm sorry Steve but you backed the wrong pony! Remember The Beverly Hillbillies Movie? When they get to California what do they do? They take pot shots at the Mexican locals! On they fuckin' freeway for cryin' out loud! Then, not five minutes later, they rumble with the LAPD and beat them at thier own game (ass kickin' that is)! What's the toughest thing that The 90210 Crew has taken on? Hmm... let me look here... wait... almost got it... bad grades, drug addiction, and alcohol? Big fuckin' deal; they're just tough enough to take on Robert Downing Junior! I could beat the ever livin' fuck out that celebrity crack-head and years of barroom brawling in the Navy has taught me how handle crowds of punk ass cunts like The 90210 Crew! The toughest thing about yuppies in a bar fight is that they present a trip hazard to the capable fighters! I've had a wide variety of opponets in bars all across the world and I would definitely rate rednecks as being a challenge as they are masters of the beer bottle! Case in point, ever see The Blues Brothers? But then again this ain't gonna be a fist fight! The 90210 Crew will get out of thier car with fists ready and rush up to meet the Beverly Hillbillies! Jeffro will shake his head and laugh "Just like yuppies to bring thier fists to a gun fight" right before he blows them straight to Hell! As quick as country folk are with thier beer bottles thier even quicker with thier guns!
I wanted to wish you guys a happy 200th Match Anniversary (tm) and state that things in Grudge-land (tm) have never been better.
But, in light of this most recent rout, only one question burns through my mind with the heat of a thousand suns:
WHO THE HELL BOOKS THIS (expletive deleted)?!?!?
Is it ANY wonder that 4 of your last 5 matches have been ridiculously one-sided annihilations? Let's examine these respective matches and see what a vote for the eventual losers would have meant:
IMHOTEP VS. MOSES: A vote against GOD.
- RoboGoober98 (and a double pox on you for bringing to mind Shannon Doherty's nude pictoral for Playboy. AAAGHH!!)
Upstart, backwoods, hillbillies versus uptight, arrogant, rich kids. I do believe the outcome to this one was already decided in a little conflict called the Revolutionary War.
This match boils down to the expat factor. Both sides in this combat of the cliques formed around a nucleus of upwardly mobile out-of-towners who came to California seeking opportunity, acceptance and comedo-dramatic hijinks. The Clampetts came from somewhere in the Appalachian South, the Walshes from Minnesota.
Given the provenance of these two families, there's simply no contest. The 90210 crew, led by Minnesotans Brandon and Brenda Walsh, make hot dish out of the Clampetts' Southron rabble. Let's go to the tape.
1861: The South attempts to secede from the United States. Minnesota, the nation's newest state, answers President Lincoln's call for soldiers with the first volunteer regiment of the Union army - the First Minnesota. Fast forward to July, 1863: The Southern ancestors of the Clampetts stand on the verge of defeating the federal army when a hole opens up in the Union line on Gettysburg's second day. A panicked general orders the only fresh troops at hand to make a suicide charge into the jaws of the Confederate advance. Brandon and Brenda's Minnesotan ancestors are those troops, and they bravely beat back the Southern forces, sustaining devastating casualties but holding the broken Union line until reinforcements arrive. The next day, General Lee turns tail and heads home, his army wrecked on the cutting edge of Minnesota valor.
Two years later, the South surrenders to the North.
1991: At the beginning of their rise to dominance in the National League, the Atlanta Braves face last year's American League last-place finishers, the Minnesota Twins in the World Series. Ted Turner's Team of the Decade bring their oh-so-Clampett redneck tomahawk chop, but they forget to bring the victory juice and the proud Southerners once again fall to the might of Minnesota's finest in a seven-game series.
1998: Minnesota elects Jesse "The Body" Ventura its governor in a shock upset. The biggest dark-horse governor in Southern history? One James Earl Carter. Since he retired, Jimmy Carter has shown he can build a nice house. But Jesse Ventura rocks the house. He sets the house on fire. Ventura brings down the house.
Speaking of house-burning, Little House on the Prairie took place in Minnesota. And when an Evil Tycoon(™) won ownership of Walnut Grove and evicted the townspeople, they dynamited their homes rather than hand them over to some two-bit speculator. This is the stuff Minnesotans are made of. This is the spirit to which Brandon and Branda Walsh are heirs.
The Clampetts? Sure, their ability to produce moonshine rivals even that of famed soldiering surgeon Hawkeye Pierce. But as Southerners, Jed and family come from a long line of surrenderers, losers and embarrassments. Sunnydale, California, will seem safe by comparison to Beverly Hills when the Walsh kids set their sights on the Clampett kin.
- Darth Dustry
What? Is this match even legal on the grounds of being remotely evenly matched? This is 90210 we're talking about. All the 90210 women are anorexic mallrats that can't function if they broke a nail, while Jane Hathaway probably wrestles steers in her free time. And just look at the male factor© on 90210's end--Luke Perry and Jason Preistly!!! Keee-rist! 90210 woulds stand a better chance if they emasculated those two nancy-boys, burned them at the stake, and replaced them with Red-shirted Ensigns or the French Army.
- Keeper of the Light©
The kids from Beverly Hills High never had a chance.
Note Figure A: A group photograph of the Beverly Hills High School gang, hanging out in a tight-knit group.
Now note Figure B: Jed Clampett's shotgun. Any hick from the back woods knows that buckshot scatters.
Then, let's take into account Figure C: Looking up the rap sheet on the Beverly Hills High gang (http://www.unioninn.demon.co.uk/BHills/Other/Bios.html) shows that the only time any of them have ever found themselves near a gun, they were at the end where the bullets come out.
And so, in summation, Jed Clampett once again discovers oil, this time as a result of huntin up some kids - and a new Noxema commercial empire is born.
(Up from the pores come a bubblin spew...
- Hurricane Andrew
OK, so the 90210 crew finally forces the Hillbillies back into the hills when Brenda starts a rumor that Jethro "likes both snails and oysters" and they leave on a "How would that worK?" brainfreeze.
The real story comes three years later, when the 90210 crowd, along with Freddie Prinze Jr ('cause for some damn reason he's ALWAYS there) decides to celebrate their graduation by going on a "carefree camping trip in the Ozark mountains of Alabama" when they run into something they never expected:
Coming soon to a theatre near you:
"I Knows Whut Y'All Done Las' Summer, Hyuk"
Jed Clampett's amazing ability to discover oil deposits using only his trusty shotgun has earned him the frienship and respect of none other than President George W. Bush. No sooner will Brandon, Dillon and Steve pull off in their fancy sports car then they'll be forced to the side of the road and hustled off to a government interrment camp by Secret Service agents. The ACLU will raise a stink, but Dubbya's cover story that the teens are Al Quiada commandos planted in Beverly Hills to undermine the nation's economy by running up huge credit card bills and then not paying them will ensure that their complaints won't get any support from the American public.
The Clampett's mad dash through downtown Beverly Hills proves fruitful despite the sudden disappearance of their prey as Granny catches a glimpse of Brenda and, recognizing the spawn of Satan when she sees her, blasts her with her shotgun.
- Don "King" Milliken
This match is hardly even a contest. The winners will undoubtedly be the Clampetts for a number of reasons.
Weapons: In this feud, Team 90210 is totally outgunned - literally. All the Clampetts are rather handy with guns and are very accurate. For instance, Jethro can hit a narrow telephone line with a single shot. Another thing to consider is that the heaviest guns Team 90210 has access to are handguns. Team Clampett has shotguns and probably a rifle or two - much deadlier weapons. In fact, this was illustrated in the "Beverly Hillbillies" movie when a gang member drew a pistol on Jed Clampett and he drew his shotgun. The gang member beat a hasty retreat. He knew who had the better gun.
Finances: Team Clampett wins in this category. This is because they started out with far more money and were able to invest it wisely, thanks to the advice of Granny. On the show, Granny was played by the late Irene Ryan, a woman who had exceptional skill when it came to investing her money. As a result, she was a very wealthy woman at the time of her death and her vast estate was used to endow the Irene Ryan Foundation. Team 90210, on the other hand, invests their money in things like drugs and alcohol. And everyone knows that users are losers.
Strength: Another winning point for Team Clampett. Throughout the series, it was established that Jethro and even Elly May were quite strong. Even Jed could do a feat of strength or two. Team 90210, while physically fit, has only average strength.
Finally, Team Clampett has the ultimate aid to victory - an invincible person on the team. I refer to Buddy Ebsen who played Jed. Today, at the age of 93 (going on 94), Ebsen is releasing a music CD and is writing his second book. I would be willing to bet that no one from Team 90210 will make it to that age. If any do, they probably wouldn't be able to do much of anything. But, what makes Jed invincible is the fact that Buddy Ebsen also played Barnaby Jones on the series of the same name. This made him the first senior citizen crimefighter and everyone knows that senior citizen crime fighters never lose.
So, the feud will go as follows: After the initial 90210 attack, the Clampetts will pile into their truck with their guns and retaliate. Arriving at the Peach Pit (hangout of the 90210 kids), Granny can toss a few Molotov cocktails made from her moonshine and the Clampett men can start firing away with their shotguns. This alone should force Team 90210 to surrender. Any holdouts can be dealt with by having Elly May toss them around. When the smoke clears, Team 90210 will be sitting there, crying their eyes out while the Clampetts head home for some of Granny's vittles, served on that fancy green table.
- The Demented Astronomer
I'd like the Hillbillies to win...but they don't have enough ammo for that huge cast of idiots. All that makeup works like armor.
- The OG
You've got the Beverly Hillbillies from the 70s. Did you ever know a 70s sitcom that had any bad things happen? They only had laugh tracks for those shows back then, no "awwwws", no "booos". When action occurs, the laugh track takes control. If it prevents the laugh track from being used, it can't happen. Moreover, 90210 is the brain(less)child of Aaron Spelling. Spelling himself is a kind of hellspawn made when Satan would pork a UPN executive. Good vs. Evil is another reason the Hillbillies win. Also, I cite the movie Deliverance. It causes normal people to quake with fear at thoughts of someone trying to make them squeal like a piggy, for yuppies, the fear hits even faster. But you know, a fight isn't even necessary. If you watch on an infrequent basis, episodes of 90210 still being shown, you'll find that the guys seem to just swap girlfriends. Everyone is having sex with everyone else. THEY'RE ALL RELATED. High priced Evian (tm) based genetic fluids have intermingled among the entire 90210 group. In a brief moment of reflection, the 90210 gang will realize they're no better than the hillbilly bunch. They'll call off the feud, and proceed to expand their genetic library. I shudder to imagine what you get when you mix a yuppie with a yokel.
- Pareeha, creator of new Pareeha Brand Condoms! Guaranteed to make sure you say it, but don't spray it.
Brenda and Brandon were originally from Minnesota. Therefore, I invoke the new Minnesota must lose (TM) clause.
Madden lost to the Fridge.
Besides Jethrene can kick all those 90210 nancy boys' asses and take a quick dip in the cement pond before the evening vittles have started to cool on the fancy eating table.
- Yeti Knight
If this had happened in June 2001, who knows what would have happened? It's happening in 2002, so the result is much more obvious.
After the attack on the United States, US citizens have developed and expanded their patriotism--each citizen showing it in his or her own special way. The Hillbilly way is to play the national anthem at the beginning of every feud.
Now, I reckon you ain't never heared the national anthem performed by a jug band. Especially performed by a jug band with a bucket- broomhandle-string virtuoso like Jethro Clampett. I tell ya, it's a right purdy thing!
Now, the Beverly Hills 90210 gang may not be a lot of things, but they are music aficionados. I'm certain by the end of the anthem (you know, the part what says "play ball!"), the 90210 gang will be all teary-eyed. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they all get to yammerin' and end up at the Clampett homestead for some possum pie and some of Granny's Hard Lemonade.
Hellfire! I'll be a monkey's uncle if they don't end the evenin' watching some pro-fessional wrasslin' on the TV. (Probably one of them "money-fer-done-seen" events.)
- Mark Wentz
Hailing from tha Dirty South(tm) as I do, I've seen my share of both hicks and preps, making this an easy matchup.
Result: Rednecks in two. The south will rise again, whether we like it or not.
Okay, according to my science teacher, the more inbreed a person/animal is, the more likely bad ressesive traits emerge. This is why pit bulls are so damn vicious: years of inbreeding arouse the ressecive trait of viciousness. odds are ten to one that the hillbilles are rabid and will try to kill the 90210 gang. by eating them. if that doesn't work, the aquatic webbed ones will get em at the beach (ala Jaws). And, if that doesn't work, remember: they have guns, and Gran can probably make a "Special" brew of beer to give to the 90210 people anyway.
- potman the preadator (is an inbred vs. his weight in chiuahahas match in the works yet?)
Well, let's start with a few assumptions, namely, that this comes down to a ol' fashioned gun duel in the middle of the road. Clampetts on one side, 90210ers on the other.
With that in mind, who will do better? Well, let's see how they did in their respective shows...
THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES: "Then one day Jed was shootin' at some food when up from the ground came a bubblin' crude." Jed, obviously, is the best Clampett shot; otherwise someone ELSE would be in charge of getting grub, and yet he can't hit a freakin' RABBIT who didn't move. However, his screw-ups net him a lot of money.
BEVERLY HILLS, 90210: I am SO ashamed to know this, but the "suicide" reference, I believe, was to one of the now-obviously- deceased 90210ers who killed himself...while playing with a handgun. Moron. If you are in high school and you think playing with a loaded Magnum is not dangerous, I should hit you with a tack hammer.
Given these skills, or lack thereof, the two teams square off. After a volley of bullets, the Clampetts are shocked to find that they missed with every shot, but did hit Joel Schumaker and Brendan W. Guy down the street. They receive the Nobel Peace Prize for their contribution to humanity. The 90210ers, having no idea where the gun barrel SHOULD point, lay dead in the street.
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
The cultural heritage of Hillbillies is not often taught in our schools. From TV and movies, you'd think that these yokels were indigenous products of the American "Aluminum Hat" regions. In truth, of course, Hillbillies emigrated to America like many other minorities, to escape persecution overseas. The origin of Hillbilly culture is found in the French Alps, where a small sect of mountain-dwellers grew into a thriving sub-culture devoted to feuding, shooting their own food, and building fascinating houses based on the design school of Auguste Ramshackle. Eventually, the Hillbillies were driven out of the mountains by the near-extinction of rodents (i.e. food) in that area, and forced to live in Paris and Marseilles and other places with French names. But they were outcasts in French society. Conventional French mores were outraged by their insistence on feuding rather than surrendering, and their partiality for eating furry critters instead of wholesome food such as frogs and snails. By this torrent of prejudice and hatred, Hillbillies were forced to leave France and set sail for America, where, it was said, there would be an endless supply of a delicacy called the "possum," and the right to marry your cousin (or, in Utah, several cousins at once). Traces of their French origin still survives in certain aspects of the Hillbilly language, for example the French expression "seement pond," meaning "going swimmingly." This is the culture from which the Clampetts are descended.
What does all this mean in the feud with 90210? You might expect me to make some silly comment about how the French must lose, but it's not so. The Clampetts are, by their appearance and manner, fairly recent immigrants. The 90210-ers are so completely assimilated that traces of their origin (their great-grandparents emigrated from the kingdom of Silicon Implantia) manifest themselves only superficially. They have nothing to fight for, while the Clampetts are fighting for acceptance, for the right to exist within the American melting-pot. The 90210 kids have the apathy of spoiled brats, while the Clampetts have the RAGE™ of the disenfranchised. Not to mention shotguns. No contest.
- Captain Corcoran
I have no idea how Axel Foley will get involved in this.
I only know that he will.
Oh my God, are you serious, no seriously, are you seriously serious?
This will go down as one of our generation's great massacres. Right up there with the Lennox (I only sound gay) Lewis vs. Mr. "What am I supposed to do if I can't bite him" Tyson debacle!
There is no way that that those 9021-uh-oh's win this, and the reason is simple.
A team is only as strong as its weakest link.
Let's look at the 90210h-God's first. Other than Shanon Daughtery, who has already been tried and convicted on SNL for "bitch-craft" and Donna (who has the boxer's nose to show she's ready to throw down with the ferocity and facial expressions of an ANGRY APE) everyone's a limp wristed dip-wad! Do you expect Dylan to put up a fight. I mean, although his hair appears bullet proof, that forehead is just too big of a target!
On the other hand you got the Clampets. Who's the weak link here? Ella Mae? You mean the chick that wrestles bears for fun!!? You have to be kidding! And don't even mention Granny, the woman whose shotgun stays ready to "squeeze and blow like an easy hoe!!!"
Also Granny, much like Ray Charles in his bout versus Stevie Wonder, is old...I mean so old, if she fell in the shower she'd evaporate into dust! WITH THE WATER RUNNING! And like Ray, she has the rage(tm) because she's old and the only creatures who like hanging around her are her shrivled Chimpanzee "breasts"! But that's not it, I dare say she has a mutated, evolved form of the RAGE(tm)! Her secret stash of moonshine and her inability to compose complex sentences leads me to believe she is the first displayer of the fabled:
DRUNKEN IGNORANT RAGE(TM) aka (GBS) George Bush Syndrome (tm)!
Two seconds into the brawl, Granny, blinded by her own osteoporosis- ridden wrath as well as her 99.9999 percent proof "thinkin' tonic", grabs the shotgun and blows Dylan's oh-so-valuable face off of his skull and THROUGH the blonde chick's pencil-thin frame!! The rest get similar treatment as gunshots and the sounds of exploding silicon implants drown out the murmers of Granny's secret unholey mantra! The only 90210 kid who ever fired a gun, if my memory serves me well, shot himself in the freakin' face!! And it wasn't even suicide...IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!
The only 90210 kid left is David. And he's promptly pummeled by the Beverly Hills police for trespassing, as he is the blackest person they've ever allowed on that racist, sorry excuse for an afternoon special!
Ya'll don't come back now...
- Richard Corey - Have mercy Iron Fist!
Lets face it, this is a no brainer. The reasons are multiple and obvious.
1.) Fight experience: Every hillbilly must "wrastle" a bear and win before they are considered an adult. Its like a Bar Mitstvah for hicks. This proves hand to hand combat is an advantage to the Clampetts.
2.) Weapons: Jed Clampett walks around with a shotgun and a pocket knife. The 90210 kids walk around with make-up cases.(including the guys)
3.) Alcohol: Granny drinks XXX moonshine and can still see afterwards. All the 90210 kids have is beer, and it probably is American beer. And as far as that drunk driving goes for the kids, most hillbillies ONLY drive drunk.
4.) Connections: The Clampetts are close with Mr. Drysdale. Mr. Drysdale runs a bank, and as the old saying goes, "Whoever has the money, has the power." Mr. Drysdale can call in a few favors and the next day those kids are on the 6 o'clock news as missing people. And if he can't get them, Jebs cousin Billy Bob Clinton sure can.
5.) Diet: The 90210 kids eat at fancy Beverly Hills restaurants. The clampetts kill their own food. Anyone who can eat possum vittles and gopher jerky knows no fear.
6.) Canada: The Clampetts have the support of the entire country, because tey bought them fair and square. All the Clampetts have to do is tell the Canadians that the 90210 kids are the reason the U.S. won over Canada in the recent Grudge Match. This will anger the Canadians and put a bloodlust in them that can only be quenched by having some U.S. teens smoten from the face of the Earth.
There are also many other reasons, but I've used up my entire 6th grade education writing the reasons listed above.
- Old Hick Donald
Ohhh, listen to mah story 'bout a man named Jed.
Fought with some snots, and got smacked upside the head.
When Granny heard him shout, she loaded up her gun,
And with some buckshot in their backsides, the twerps were forced to run.
(Painful, that is. Hurts bad. Made 'em cry.)
Well, the next thing you know, those kids they got a plan.
(Sneaky, that is. Dirty trick. Ticks me off.)
Those teens burned the house, and were feelin' pretty proud.
(Messy, it was. Blood bath. Vulture food.)
- sPeciAL eD
The L.A. Medical Examiner is going to wear out a whole box of pencils charting all those shotgun wounds on the 90210 bodies.
- Mr. Silverback- Double-barrelled slingshot=Double-barreled jam-proof grenade launcher.
ok. the hillbillies win it, and not only do they win it, but they do so on two fronts. The first is emotional, the second is physical.
Let's face it, the hillibllies are suckers. They're as good-natured and trusting as anybody who ever lived. They were just being themselves, and the 90210 jerks have decided to persecute them for it. and as history (tm) has proven, heartless agressors always lose in the end. The Nazis got pounded into the ground, and the Native Americans with their casinos are richer by far than the average white man. The same will be true of the 90210 kids. Furthermore, as hapless, pure-hearted creatures, they fall under the Idiot Protection Clause (tm), almost certainly sealing victory.
The second reason for victory will be because of the resources each group has at their disposal. Whereas the 90210s do have lawyers and rich parents and The Man (tm) on their side, they lack one thing which the Hillbillies have an abundance of SHOTGUNS!
Nothing beats a shotgun, not lines of protesters, or fancy cars, and paper litigation becomes sawdust once an angry drunken redneck with a shotgun has finished, to say nothing of the lawyer. Having grown up among angry rednecks, i've learned that they're very nice people unless you piss them off. Ever wonder why feuds between rednecks last so long? because in feuds between rednecks and non-rednecks, the non- rednecks get filled with many little holes really quickly. As will happen to the 90210 debutantes if they don't step off.
- ~Jon Good Loves You
The hillbillies are the obvious winners of this grossly overpowered battle. The most important comments have already been made. First, they are hillbillies. Hillbillies are infamous for their feuds, which have been known to last for generations. 90210 is lucky to have a plot that lasts 2 episodes. Also, the GOB(tm) (and that's good ol' boy) network is on the Clampett side. As mentioned by the esteemed commentator (although esteemed may not be quite the right word) Steve(tm), Bill and Hillary Clinton are also hillbillies. Almost certainly they are related, in one way or another, to the Clampetts. The gang of Beverly Hills might have an army of lawyers, but Clinton has Congress. Its not even a fair match. The US government doesn't even follow its own laws, so the lawyers of 90210 don't stand a chance. And the Clampett mansion is obviously been declared as a wildlife refuge (how else can you explain all those animals on the property?), thus negating the ability of the animal rights group to harass the Clampett family. Not to mention the Clampetts have the most powerful force in the world on their side. That's right... the Sanitation Department of California. Since they are kind enough to go cleaning all that road kill up, the departments workers are deeply indebted to them (have you ever handled road kill. Trust me, its just gross). One department strike later, and the entire zip-code is crushed under a mountain of its own garbage. The Hillbillies in a landslide (or would that be mountainslide?).
- lunatic fringe
90210's deadliest weapon is that it saps your brain power with its cheesy, melodramatic plotline and inane dialogues. In face of these weapons, even the mightiest and doughtiest warriors quail. However, since a Hillbilly, by definition, already HAS something wrong with his/her noggin, the Hillbillies are hence immune to anything the Beverly Hills kids throw at them.
Kinda like Beethoven vs Britney Spears. Complete immunity
- the Saint
First, consider the fact that in the movie, the Clampett family seems to have some inroads with the Clinton White House. The 90210 Gang only seemed to know Color Me Badd and the Knoxema Girl.
Second, consider the fact that Donna, Kelly, Brenda, etc. have all slept with the same pool of men. Collectively, they have risked every STD....their luck has to run out sometime. Meanwhile, the Clampett family is living proof that, although they are more severely inbred than the Peacock Brothers on the "X-Files", they can pass as human beings.
Third, who could resist the image of the Clampett family entering the Peach Pit with their shotguns to the theme of "Deliverence", needlessly shooting out every window and saying to Jason Priestly, "You certainly have a pretty mouth!"
- Richie Bondoc
The Hillbillies against shallow teenagers? Please! Now if Jethro and Co. were up against, say, Sunnydale (Buffy's town) or Smallville, there'd be a match! or if it were, say, a shopping contest - Nope, the ladies from Clueless would even make that a better match.
Nope, the Hillbillies are way too tough for the zip code kids.
Have any of you EVER been to the Ozarks? They are stubborn people down there! Most of the orginal farms are built on red clay and limestone, on very steep hills - the reason moonshining was popular is that it's easier to tote shine over those hills than wagons of corn - farmers used to reckon in gallons of corn rather than acres!
People who grow up in these conditions aren't about take ANY nonsense from pampered little punks. During the Amer. Civil War, the Ozarks was full of guerrila warfare - and most of the people down there are Still sniping at each other! Those kids haven't a chance!
- GibsonGirl, used to live down there, glad to have moved somewhere else!
This one goes to 90210 hands down. The Hillbillies only have guns. The 90210ers have the ultimate weapon of destruction: Tori Spelling trying to act.
The horror...the horror...
- They Call Me Marsh
If there's one thing pop culture & entertainment media have taught us, it's to never, ever, EVER underestimate the power or brutal creativity & cunning of hillbillies in groups, especially when they're on their own turf or protecting their property. Haven't any of you heard of Deliverance, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the inbred family on that one X-Files episode? When the dust settles there isn't going to be enough of those limp- wristed rich kids left for the Clampetts to season their roadkill vittles with (and because it's 90210, nobody will mourn either).
This is a no brainer, first of all you've got Granny who is all liquered up carrying a shotgun. She would take out three or four of the "rich kids" with one shot. Then there is Jed, now Jed is, quite obviously a man not prone to violence, however is there is one thing he takes seriously it is a fued. Then there is Elly May who has proven her fighting skills on Jehtro many times. Plus she would sick all her animals on them. Finally there is Jethro, unfortunately for him he is not interested in the fight going on. He is only interested in the lady's. So while Granny is blasting away he walks outside to strut his stuff only to be killed by a wild shot from Granny. Now there are three hillbilles against the "rich kids" minus three. Well now lets think what are the Beverly cast gonna do? Sit there and talk on their cell phones, maybe throw some rocks, or maybe worst of all they would talk about Granny's bad fashion sense. After a hour there lays on the ground shotgun shells, rocks, cell phones, and "rich kids". Beverly Hillbilies by a landslide
- Tim Duke
Whichever one of you voted for the 90210-ers has obviously never been to California -- or Washington D.C., for that matter. For you have overlooked two grossly underestimated factors:
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
I've read those "so called" rapsheets, and all I found out is that half are drinkers and gamblers, the others are pathetic drug addicts. I also found out everyone close to them DIE!!!!!!! So, unless our 90210 DEATH OMENS can befriend the hillbillies, they're screwed! Granny can get all the AA ditchers to drink while Jed, Jethro, and Elly May go gun-ho on them all!
And we all know once you start a fued with hillbillies, they won't just settle it over coffee. They have to kill a few of you before they even give peace a chance.
Furthermore, Grade-A Harvard-bound pre-med prep snobs scare me a HELL of a lot more than ne're-do-wells because those pre med students could be your DOCTOR during an operation.
So, in conclusion, The Beverly Hillbillies skin the 911 calling 90210ies and then they drink some moonshine and Grade-A Harvard-bound pre-med prep snobs scare me! Thank you, good night, and god speed.
- The Hooligan Of Doom, Now selling several mansions once owned by the 90210 gang
Oh, the agony of decision. Personally, while I can sympathize with people who would refer to the denizens of 90210 as "critters"(or "varmints" on a bad hair day), I'm just too fastidious to throw in my lot with such low standards of personal hygiene and culinary ambition. Both groups are, in their own ways, just too cheesy for me, or at least the wrong kind of cheese. And since it takes cheese to beat cheese, I hereby nominate as the upset victor of this match ...
... Beverly Garland! Star(well, highly-billed actress) of a spate of Roger Corman-directed, Mystery Science Theater 3000-fated cheapo movies of the 50's, she's got the real cheese to give these Beverly pretenders hard cheese. And if you doubt me, just visualize the spectacle of the killer Venusian artichoke from It Conquered the World tearing into Luke Perry. Makes the whole match worth it, doesn't it?
If you insist, though, on having one of the original sides win, I'll give it to Shannen Doherty. True to her whole career, she quit the match before it began to get interesting, thus making her the sole survivor. Now, if we can only cast her in the remake of Not Of This Earth ....
- Call me Shane
I'm not sure who is gonna win the feud, but I can guaruntee you that during this episode, Kelly will be shot, raped, cheat on her boyfriend, become a coke addict, AND have her father ditch her. Also, Brian Austin Green will somehow sing a Vanilla Ice ripoff song.
Next Match: Just say no
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC