A Japanese man, reminiscent of Liberace, bites into a yellow bell Pepper while a badly dubbed voice-over says:
"If memory serves me correctly, many chefs have passed through Kitchen Stadium, but few have proven worthy of joining the ranks of our champions. I have learned of two individuals, both of whom have unique skills and techniques. Both have gained popularity through American television. One prepares lunches for elementary school students in a small town in America. The other cooks dishes from his native country in a vaudeville show hosted by puppets. These men shall come to Kitchen Stadium and do battle against each other. The winner will become an Iron Chef and be given a new five-star restaurant to operate."
"First, a man whose specialties include advice-giving, love songs, and Salty Chocolate Balls. From South Park, Colorado, here is Jerome "Chef" McElroy!!"
Chef enters the stadium wearing sunglasses and with a Japanese girl on each arm. He is flanked by Mr. Garrison, Officer Barbrady, and Mr. Mackey, who will serve as his assistants.
"Next, a man whose specialties include incomprehensible speech, use of the word "bork" and Croonchy Stars. From Norrbotten, Sweden, here is the Swedish Chef!"
The Swedish Chef enters the stadium, singing and waving around a rolling pin. Behind him are Fozzy Bear, Gonzo the Great, and Rowlf the Dog, who will serve as his assistants.
The Chairman walks over to a table covered by a sheet. "Of course, for such an important match, we need a theme ingredient that would baffle all but the most talented chefs. I give you the secret ingredient!"
He whips the sheet off the table, revealing several cans stacked in a neat pyramid. On each can is clearly written in capital letters, "SPAM".
"Let's get it on, baby!"
"Jah, shnoody blingy florgy bork bork!"
So, Hotbranch, will it be the selection of South Park or of Sweden who serves the superior Spam?
Haven't heard of Iron Chef before? Click here for background information.
HOTBRANCH: Some Grudge Matches are so obvious, even people who watch Big Brother regularly can fire enough neurons to cast the right vote. It's clear that Chef will yield to the might of the Swedish Chef much the same way an empty can of soda yields to a steam roller. After his culinary depantsing, Chef will retire to a corner chugging on Rocket Fuel cooking sherry and slurring Barry White tunes. Think about it, how could the Swedish Chef NOT produce a Spamtastic array of dishes that will curry favor with the judging panel?
The Swedish Chef has the most important tools of all when preparing Spam: opposable human thumbs. Chef is stuck in the second dimension and won't even be able to open a single can. If Andy Warhol were on the judging panel, a clever arrangement of cans might earn sycophantic presentation points, but he'd score low flavor points. The Swedish Chef, on the other hand, will stun the tasting panel with a flurry of pink slurry: Spam chowder, Spam slaw, Spam pepper poppers, southern Spam sushi, and chocolate Spam cakes. Hell, he might even break out the ice cream maker for some Spam sorbet. The man isn't afraid to try different things, and his recipes don't rely on sexual innuendo for their popularity.
Chef is a player: he's more interested in bedding the local womenfolk than sculpting the canned gelatinous "near meat". He'll be so busy trying to get sideline reporter Ota to translate "salty chocolate balls" for the Japanese females that the final bell will sound and Chef will have to forfeit the battle. Chairman Kaga had better be ready to say "Swedish Chef" when the final score is tallied.
DAVE: I hope you're prepared to fold like origami. I mean, if two-dimensionality is a liability for Chef, what do you call the constant presence of someone's hand up the Swedish Chef's ass? Perhaps you don't see that sort of thing as a distraction, but the rest of us assuredly do.
I'm glad you acknowledge that Chef is a player. Now let me remind you that every Iron Chef judging panel includes one or more ditzy Japanese actresses, incapable of doing anything but giggle and make stupid comments. These judges will definitely throw their support behind the legendary Chef. I'm sure that, in exchange for their votes, he would happy to share his sushi roll.
But Chef won't need to rely on sexual politics for this victory. He simply is the better cook. Spam is far more versatile in American cuisine than in the simple fare of Sweden. Is Spam even available in Sweden? Maybe as an industrial glue for Ikea furniture, but not as food. Furthermore, the Swedish Chef won't be able to make any of those stupid dishes you list, because he is clearly unable to communicate with his assistants. When he asks Fozzy to help prepare Spam Chowder, he will end up with Ham Powder. It's inevitable.
P.S. Salty Chocolate Balls in Japanese is "shiokarai no chokoreto tama".
HOTBRANCH: Domo arigato mister moron-o! Have you even watched an episode of Iron Chef? The judging panel always consists of the photographer or lower house member, previously mentioned ditzy giggler, the actor or singer, and the bitchy food critic or bitchy fortune teller. By my count, that's only one vote for Chef's Salisbury Spam tube and salty Spam balls.
Furthermore, it's pretty commonplace for the assistants to not understand the Chef. More often than not, they fear for their lives. Two more points for the Swedish Chef. He won't trust his assistants to do more than mix, chop, blend, or, in Gonzo's case, explode the required ingredients. If they so much as step out of line, <KLANG!> Rolling pin to the noggin. Fozzie, Rowlf, and Gonzo can even be used to sabotage Chef's creations with the willing assistance of Garrison, Mackey and Barbrady. That is, if Garrison isn't busy trying to steal Chairman Kaga's puffy shirt, if Barbrady isn't interrogating the main ingredient, or if Mackey's clean and sober, m'kay?
Finally, lack of familiarity with the main ingredient is usually beneficial. Chef's fried Spam can only be presented so many ways. The Swedish Chef will be able to "think outside the can", transforming the pork renderings into a culinary delight. By the way, if time gets tight and the Swedish Chef needs an extra hand, he simply has to pull it out of his ass.
DAVE: "Fukui-san!" "Yes, Ota..." "It looks like... yes, it seems Hotbranch has actually scooped out his brains and replaced them with the Spam. What a dramatic turn of events!"
What kind of backwards universe do you live in, Hotbranch, to claim that a lack of support from the assistants and a lack of familiarity with the theme ingredient somehow gives your man an advantage? The lower house members, photographers, and food critics will all support Chef. He's the soul man that the women love and the men admire, especially the poorly-endowed Japanese men. Chef's a legend.
Fozzie, Rowlf, and Gonzo will take one look at the gelatinous pork byproduct and start pining for Miss Piggy. Chef will be able to keep his cracker assistants in line. Another critical advantage for Chef is his musical ability. The Japanese won't be able to understand either contestant when it comes time to explain their dishes, but Chef can always rely on the universal language of music. A spontaneous spam-themed love song will leave the Japanese politely baffled, but impressed nonetheless.
While living in Japan, I ate at 2 Iron Chef-owned restaurants, and I can safely say that the Swedish Chef couldn't handle the pressure. He's too much of a loose cannon. His idea of preparing brussel sprouts is to throw a cabbage in the air and shoot it with a blunderbuss. Chef, on the other hand, is always able to serve up a never-ending supply of meat-loaf, tater tots, and macaroni, all by lunchtime. Keeping Eric Cartman fed is no easy task.
Chef wins in a unanimous decision, while the Swede commits hari-kari with his Ginsu 2000. Sayonara!
Thanks especially to Chris "Jedi" Knight for suggesting spam as the themed ingredient.
resident Iron Chef Fist who promptly broke out the meat cleaver and
started hacking away. Be thankful. It was the only way we could stop
Hotbranch! and Dave from creating a Rjitalin Rjeading Rjoom.
I had to go with Chef McElroy for three reasons.
First, Dave's use of the word "blunderbuss". I can't see that word too many times in one day.
Second, the secret ingredient is a sure fire hands down advantage for Chef McElroy. Where does he work? A public school cafeteria. Since when has anything remotely resembling a truly organic substance ever been served in a public school cafeteria? They "say" Spam (TM) is made from pork, but anyone who's ever eaten it (and is well-versed in the vast government-alien-meat packing industry conspiracy)(like me) knows, Spam (TM) is actually made from reprocessed toxic waste and discarded shoe soles.
Third, the Swedish Chef will be paid a surprise vist by a certain lady pig. A certain lady pig who is able to draw upon the Rage (TM). A secret note will be sent to Miss Piggy telling her that the Swedish Chef is about to prepare Spam (TM) and Frog Leg Surprise, using her nephews Andy and Randy and her beloved Kermy as ingredients. Not being aware of the whole conspiracy thing, Piggy will show up at the studio in MegaRageMode (TM) and hiiiiyaaah-karate chop the livin' bejeezus out of The Swedish Chef. He won't be seriously hurt (foam rubber is very resilient against bludgeoning) but the time spent dodging Miss Piggy's Fists of Fury (TM) will give Chef McElroy all the time he needs to prepare a masterpiece.
Afterwards, as the Rage (TM) subsides, Miss Piggy will succumb to Chef McElroy's Chocolate Charms (TM) (and I ain't talkin' about no breakfast cereal), and Chef will score twice: the cook-off victory and, well, you know. Twice. *wink wink*
To sum up the score card:
Chef McElroy: Public school cafeteria experience and Barnyard Fun (TM)
Advantage and victory: Chef McElroy
- The Widard of Odd (Blunderbuss)
Look, maybe you guys haven't noticed, but these cooks don't actually make anything. I mean, I'm sure they can cook. But Les Chef de South Park is just going to spend all his energy coming up with a new song he can use to get his groove on with the lady judges. And of course Swedish Chef is just going to shoot food all over everybody. Anyone who tried to set up a battle like this would just be trying to destroy Kitchen Stadium (and/or break an old fortune-teller's heart).
...destroy Kitchen Stadium...
If my memory serves me correctly, there is one group that would love to put out the flames of cooking, but doesn't have the skill to do it. It's those bastards down at the Food Network. Mario - stoner. Bourdain - stoner/poser. Ming - pretty boy. Emeril - demented hobgoblin. Moulton - whatever. Alton Brown - actually some sort of animatronic robot. Flay - that rematch with Morimoto was a fix and we all know it. Everybody they get onto Melting Pot is trying to remember to talk with an accent. And we all saw what happened with Iron Chef USA. Next time you want to get the owners of a bunch of Olive Garden wannabees together for a cookoff, you call me, I'll get grandma to come over and show them how it's done. Word.
But this time these CIA celebrity chefs have cooked up nothing but their own doom. Because once you send the Muppets in you know whatever crazy stuff happens in the end it's going to be all Rainbow Connected (TM), and the South Park Crew always delivers the Message (TM). By the time these Chefs are done, all of Japan will be fully enlightened, its economy will be back in full bubble and then watch out! They may realize we tricked them with all that hype about Titanic. Then they stop buying our boxed DVD sets of late-model ER and Friends episodes and go after our precious national resources, like Slamball (TM). They've probably got a TV show ON RIGHT NOW that combines Slamball, Battlecade, and Press Your Luck.
Yep, pretty soon we'll all be eating mayonnaise on our pizza. Which actually tastes pretty good now that I mention it.
Stop the match! Er, wait...
- Dave C
As a Swedish citizen, I guess it is only natural for me to vote for the home-team. However, this decision goes far beyond ordinary patriotism. Chef is going down. Hard.
It is commonly believed that the most dangerous cooks in the world are the Hong Kong Chefs, known for their skill in handling meat- cleavers as melee weaponry while fighting the heroes of various Kung Fu flicks. However, they cannot hold a candle to the martial prowess of Swedish Chefs. It is a well-kept secret (and I'll probably have to spend the rest of my natural life hiding for revealing it) that Swedish Chefs are the most lethal assassins in the world. The shadowy techniques of the Swedish Chefs have been handed down from Master to Apprentice since the Viking Era, when the chefs of old had to hunt down bears with their bare hands to prepare for Midvinteblot. Some parts of the training are so sinister that warped examples of them have found their way into Swedish traditions. (You think we actually ENJOY eating Fermented Herring? You must be insane!) Many notable royal assassinations in Swedish history have been performed by these grim practitioners of the Culinary Arts. Perhaps the most well know is when one of our kings had a rival murdered by a Chef wielding nothing but a bowl of soup, though my personal favourite is the king who was mysteriously killed by fifty "semlor", which are buns filled with cream and mashed nuts. Coincidence? I think not!
Just think about the next South Park movie...
Theme From "Chef"
Who's the black cookin' man
Ya damn right!
Who is the man that would make a lot of food
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
He's a complicated man
- Thomas the Kingmaker
Hejsan. After Dave's great presentation about what salty chocolate balls is called in Japan, I thought it would be nice to give everyone in grudge-match a nice Swedish lesson.
Saltiga chocklad bollar = Salty chocolate balls
Svenska kocken sparkar skiten ur Chef = The Swedish Chef kicks Chef's ass
The losers are the people who have to eat the creations. Let's face it, no matter what it looks like, Spam(tm) is Spam(tm).
I don't care who wins, just stop picking on HotBranch!!
Why? He makes it so easy what with his diminuitive stature, funny accent, and goofy clothes - 1/2N
Fact: all Swedish people take their dead and their food very seriously. How do I know this? My family and I took a weeklong trip to Sweden and this is exactly how it went; Day One: arrive, drive to Ulla's house, eat, visit local graveyard, eat, sleep. Day two, wake up, eat, drive to the Johansson farm, eat, visit local graveyard, eat, sleep. Day three, wake up, eat, drive to Arne, and Shirtsten's house, eat, visit local graveyard, eat, drive to the Klerfors house, eat, sleep. Day Four, wake up, eat, visit local graveyard, eat, drive to Gothenburg to see our cousin Daniel, eat, sleep. I think you get the picture by now. And at every meal we had to take a “second tour.” You know that a country takes their dead and their food seriously when all that happens when the American relatives come to visit is trips to the local graveyard, and eating at every chance they get.
And speaking of Ikea they don't use glue, its not environmentally friendly. And besides Swedes are the champions of near meat. I'd be willing to say they invented it. Isn't the meatball the first near meat? Furthermore what kind of country thinks it's normal to sell food at a furniture store? A country that takes their food very seriously
I think that if the Swedish Chef is good enough to make it as a chef in a country that takes their food soooooo seriously then he could whup anyone who is just barely good enough at cooking to hang on to his job at the local elementary school.
It's the Swedish Chef in five minutes and five new pounds for all the judges
- Foxy, the stone cold fox and humor specialist at large.
Chef McElroy is a school cafeteria chef, correct? To the best of my memory, school cafeteria chefs can't even make pizza edible. What do you think they would do with SPAM?
At least with Swedish food, nobody knows what it's supposed to taste like.
The Swedish Chef will win.
Why, you ask?
Miss Piggy has given every single Muppet endless beatings. SPAM is pork. Prior to the show, the Swede used his chopper to take Final Vengeance on Miss Piggy, & then canned her!
Now, with the evidence eaten, even Perry Mason or the entire Hill Street Blues Precinct couldn't pin the rap on him.
Not even if he confessed
After all, who'd understand the confession?
- Bosda Di'Chi
I want Swedish Chef to win just to see the funny hat he'd wear. ANd to see if he'll ever finish an actual dish. Without talking bell peppers (That's not a good idea around Kaga).
- The Iron Skull (The Iron Chef battle is O-VA!)
This is a very lopsided match. Chef will beat the stuffings out of the Swedish Chef in this one. Here are the reasons:
Chef is much tougher. The Swedish Chef is merely a puppet from essentially a children's show that got a cult following somehow. On the other hand, Chef is a character on the wild "South Park" cartoon which does humor that the "Muppet Show" couldn't even contemplate touching.
Another point in Chef's favor is his experience in working with less than optimal ingredients in even less optimal conditions. He works in a school cafeteria with low-budget food. On the other hand, the Swedish Chef has a cooking show and can afford better kinds of food and works in his own personal, well-equipped kitchen. This will help Chef since he will adapt quicker to the unfamiliar surroundings of the Iron Chef competition and he will undoubtedly be better versed in the use of Spam than his opponent.
Chef is also more competent. In all the episodes of "South Park", no one has ever seen Chef have any difficulty with food. Not so the Swedish Chef. Normal methods of food preparation seem alien to him and his methods only guarantee that lots of food will be wasted.
The likely outcome of the match will be that Chef walks away with the prize for an innovative Spam dish, while the Swedish Chef will be standing in a mess with Spam all over the place and damaged cookware.
- The Demented Astronomer
How can Chef McElroy lose to the Swedish Chef? It's absolutely impossible!!! My God, the Swedes are so nearly extinct, I thought perhaps they broke up into little provinces like the Soviet Union when it dissolved. Let's look at what has come from their country that they are known for...
Swedish Bikini Team - They're from the 80s, they're thin and pretty flat-chested blondes. The whole lust after someone on the Swedish Bikini Team thing is gone.
Swedish Meatballs - One of the few things I eat at my college's dining hall that I enjoy, but they needed salt.
Swiss Army Knives - Useful, but I just don't feel intimidated by a country whose army wields a knife with a corkscrew, tweezers and toothpick.
2 things: 1) Swiss Army Knives? Perhaps, then, you are thinking of Switzerland? Mind you, those Swedish Army Knives are good, too...
2) What about Bill Murray's magnum opus "Meatballs" dubbed in Swedish? --Ed.
This match will be over before it starts, when the ghost of Lunchlady Doris (R.I.P. Doris Grau) shows up and whips them both dead with a large sack of horse testicles (mmmmmm, more iron!).
Bottom line: In Grudge Match, the Simpsons always win, EVEN IF THEY'RE DEAD.
- Scotty J.
Fortunately, Spam is not available in any of the food stores and supermarkets I've been to during my twenty years in Sweden. Quite a few of us have an inkling as to what it is, but that's only thanks to Monty Python's famous SPAM sketch. I hardly think the Swedish Chef is any exception.
Having learned that Japanese spam is "now made with extra dolphin", the Chef walks out in horror, getting a technical disqualification. Luckily, a number of guest stars are found at short notice, who are quite experienced with spam(TM). Arthur, Bedevere and Lancelot produce a meal with five, er, three ingredients: ham, jam and spam. Their chorus scenes go down a treat, too, so they are the overall winners.
But Chef loses more.
- The Nestbeschmutzer, live from John Belushi's samurai delicatessen in downtown Osaka
According to my sources (And believe me when I tell you that my sources are absolutely unimpeachable!) the Swedish Chef has a dark secret. His real name is Peter Mayhew of Hoboken, and up until the mid-70's, when he was hired by Kermit to be a part of the Muppet Show cast, he was an accountant with Merrill Lynch. Only strong anti-psychotics allowed him to operate on a normal day-to-day fashion, but Kermit always hides his pill bottle on the day of the show and by mid-afternoon he's running through the halls with a butcher knife, shouting, “Herdy gerdy werdy verdy! Upty wupty wit' de chickie chickie!”
It makes sense when you think about it. Who ever heard of a cooking act in a vaudeville-style variety show? A high concept comedy act though, anyone can understand that! Of course, there are occasional mishaps. Just ask Statler why he now sits alone in the balcony, sporting a fashionable black armband.
Really though, once the judges realize that the Mad Swede is a psychotic loony who's no more a chef than George W. Bush is a President, he'll be disqualified and Chef McElroy crowned the winner. Being Chef, he will of course celebrate the night away with "Requisite Giggly Bimbo Actress" at his side, leading her to his hotel room after a night of drunker revelry to sing her his latest romantic smooth-jazz masterpiece, "Godzilla of Love".
- Don "King" Milliken
No match, no result. About (pronounced "a-boot") the time the two chefs are going to present their respective dishes, Chuck Heston comes storming in from the polluted Tokyo streets, screaming
"DON'T EAT IT! DON'T EAT IT! SOYLENT SPAM IS MADE FROM KENNY!"
The contest then devolves into the sort of mayhem that ensues at the end of the Benny Hill Show, as Heston, the Swedish Chef, various chickens, a Japanese game show host, the South Park Kids, Miss Piggy, two English Bobbies, Queen Elizabeth, and six tall buxom women wearing garter belts and little french maid outfits start chasing each other in conga-line fashion around the Ginza.
- Dr. Stones
What's with the hat? From Baker Smurf onward, I cannot look at a chef without wondering "What's with the hat?" When preparing this dish of tasty reprocessed doberman parts, what purpose does it serve to wear a piece of headgear that looks like a white mushroom cloud, a nuclear custard explosion? Is it supposed to scare the food into submission, in case the animals aren't quite dead yet? Is it some kind of phallic thing that Freud could tell us about if he weren't too busy being dead? I'm not being observational, I'm begging for an answer to a question that haunts me, torments me, causes me to dream of a thousand Chef Pierres beating me to a pulp with their unbelievably impractical hats. The question that has sautee'd my life and made my days sweet and sour: What's with the hat? But I digress. Uh, Chef wins because he can call on the powers of Shaft (tm) while the Swedish Chef probably couldn't even get Ingmar Bergman to come to his aid, and...uh... THE HATS! THE HATS!
- Captain Corcoran (writing from the Mexican Hat Dunce Sanitarium for Hat-Related Mental Disorders)
I'm not so sure Chef has the musical advantage...
In the beginning after the Muppets create a walking, talking Spam critter that sings a Vaudeville duet with Swedish "SC" Chef about the best ways to "eat me up good," Chef will resort to his sexy baritone and even the score. Suddenly, four skinny Americans and a giant W (SC's REAL assistants) pop up behind their puppets and proceed to rock the audience and chop/mix/beat at the same time while SC whips up his dishes(Weezer owes SC a favor after the "Keep Fishin" close call). As the WEEZER! WEEZER! chants echo through the audience, Chef's crooning is drowned out and the women (and thus men) flock to Rivers Cuomo and friends. SC, having years of experience working while loud distractions occur around him, is in his natural environment. Chef's only experience with rock bands comes from ChefAid, and he was in jail then. No contest. With this amazing impromptu culinary concert, the judges will swoon and the Muppet Show has a new dinner theater venue.
- Your Mom
I'm from Sweden, and I haven't seen one good Swedish tv-chef (hand me that potato will you), they're all sooooo (thanks) boring. Obviously, the Swedish (and some salad, please) chef is not really Swedish!
After his confession, he will get the publicity of (get some of those nut thingys) a lifetime and settle down as a happy milionaire in his (No! not that kind) homecoutry liberia with his very own newly opened 'chez le spam chef', while chef (I don't know, look in the cupboad) McElroy still works his balls off as a gravely (yes, nuts) underpayed waitor at the (thank you) previously mentioned restaurant. (Okay, take that out will you. Allright, I'm off)
- The Liberian Chef (really, I'm not. I just pretend to be to add an extra level to the funniness of this post. Tell me - did I succeed or what?!?) (giggle, giggle)
Egg and spam
Egg, bacon, and spam
Egg, bacon, sausage and spam
Spam, egg, sausage, and spam
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam and Lobster Thermidor au Crevette with a Mornay Sauce served in a Provenscale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy with a fried egg on top and spam.
And what happens? When the announcer is reading off the dishes, the place is overrun with fikings singing, "...spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spammity spam (spam) spam wonderful spam (spam)...spammity spam (spam) spam wonderful spam (spam)..."
- Keeper of the light©...Spammity spam, spam wonderful spam...
Have to go with the Swedish Chef on this one. The Swede is a master craftsman, not content with having prepackaged ingredients he goes to the source for the ultimate in fresh taste, you want steak he will get a cow, you want eggs he will gain a chicken. You want whale steak (fillet is inappropriate) he will trawl in a live blue whale to your table and get "de jucy bullber", This level of dedication (not to mention fresh blubber) will be sure to impress the judges.
Hmmm... Spam and Muppets.
Interestingly, the makers of Spam, Hormel Foods Corporation (TM), dragged Jim Henson Productions to court not long ago. Their beef (pun intended) was with a character from "Muppet Treasure Island", a warthog named "Spa'am". They claimed that he was detrimental to their product, portraying Spam as "evil in porcine form".
While the entire transcript of the trial cannot be found (perhaps Animal was chasing the stenographer), we do know that the judge, clearly a man of integrity, found the Muppets not guilty, and noted that while Spa'am was "untidy", he was likable, and doubtlessly helped the sale of Spam, rather than harmed it.
Clearly, the Muppets are champions for Spam! THEY ARE SPAMPIONS! (wocka wocka) Swedish Chef wows the judges and still has time to rescue Rowlf from cleaver-wielding teriyaki chefs.
As for Chef Jerome and his posse, I don't see them walking away from this contest alive. As we know, the only cartoon characters in Japan who live to see the end are "cute" characters, which they sure as heck ain't. Kenny is going to have some company...
- Oxymoron - does not like Green Eggs and Spam
"The judges scores are in... and here comes Chairman Kaga to announce the decision..."
Kaga: Iron Chef Japanese!
"Amazing! Once again, the Iron Chef reigns victorious at Kitchen Stadium!"
Chef McElroy: Oh, hell no! You ain't cheatin' me like that!
"Oh my! Chef McElroy just tackled Iron Chef Japanese! And here comes the Swedish Chef! We're out of time from Kitchen Stadium, this has been Iron Chef!"
- Boden-san, still waiting for the "Pickled Eggs Battle"
The Swedish Chef is one of my favorite muppets, but history (and the Muppet Show) have shown us that the only things he knows how to cook are ping-pong balls and rubber chickens. That stuff's simply not edible. This is his greatest weakness seeing as how the judges will not be able to eat the "Spam a la Ping-Pong" or "Rubber Chicken Spam Pot Pie". Chef however, can cook, as he will be more than happy to demonstrate while singing songs about freaky sex.
However, The Swedish Chef has more than just Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rowlf. Statler and Waldorf will be sitting in the wings, heckling Chef mercilessly and driving him to total distraction. Bunson and Beaker will be on hand developing a serum that makes ping-pong balls edible. Dr Teeth and The Electric Mayhem will drown out Chef's crooning with their own funky tunes. Animal will devour anything Chef cooks before the judges can get their hands on it. And let's not forget Crazy Harry, who will laugh maniacally and detonate the explosives he set up all over Chef's side of the kitchen/arena.
In the Mr. T versus Mr. Clean match we learned from Brian's Uncle to never bet on the white guy. Brian's Uncle stated the blindly obvious. Chef McElroy has been in command of an army and has manged to outwit even his own superiors. The Swedish Chef hasnt even figured out how to remove the hand from his ass. Before your can say flambe, South Park's finest chef has managed to create a series of delicous replicas of Godzilla, Rodan, Gamorra, Mothra and a host of
Japanese sci-fi creatures which impresses the entire panel of judges not only with its superb taste but with the cultural familiarity it shows. Dishonored and rejected, the Swedish Chef returns home seeking solace in the bouncing bosoms of Swedish women.
To determine the winner of this match, i used a simple calcultion. By adding up the numbers of the letters in each name (A=1, B=2 etc.), and dividing by 3, and adding the numbers of my birthday, I came up with the winner.
Oh and I'm also part Swedish, but not part black.
- King Forrest III
Chocolate Salty Swedish Meatballs. Nuff said.
but I dont want any spam...
- Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Church of Trivium
South Park: a show where a character who cannot speak coherently is killed over and over again and yet somehow lives again each episode.
Swedish Chef: An incoherently-speaking character.
The Swedish Chef is Kenny's real father, and therefore, invicible.
The Swedish Chef will prevail.
In a related note, "South Park" will now be spelled with a silent J and a slash through the O.
- The Abyss
The match seemed to be fairly even, until the secret ingedient was announced. At that point, Chef McElroy lost all chance he had of winning. For the birthplace of SPAM is Austin, Minnesota, and Minnesota is almost entirely populated by Scandanavians. The Swedish Chef, being Scandanavian, will crush the opposition for he is dealing with his native food.
I don't think communication with the show's host and judges will be any handicap for the Swede, considering his native language was revealed to be mock-Japanese. Failing that, I'm sure the encheferizer could stand as a servicable Babel Fish. Either way, he proves that Swedish Meatballs (otherwise known as those oh-so-delicious Shweaty Balls) beat Salty Chocolate Balls any day.
Both these master chefs have proven that they are able to satisfy their patrons, that's not in question here. However, they're not cooking for their normal patron; they're cooking for the Japanese judges. To win them over, they will have to know how to seriously please a customer. And so to determine that, we have to look at each cook's most demanding eater.
Chef's hardest job is cooking for Eric Cartman. Cartman, however, is not demanding because of his sensitive gourmet sensibilities. He's demanding because of the sheer amount of food he wants, not to mention the fact that he wants it RIGHT NOW. That's nothing to scoff at, but the judges will be looking for quality, not quantity.
The Swedish Chef's hardest customer, on the other hand, is the Cookie Monster. This is a being that not only has an INSATIABLE hunger, it's a hunger specifically for cookies. And yet somehow, The Swedish Chef manages to serve him food that doesn't contain chocolate chips, which is a feat on par with getting zombies to happily eat garden salads. And, not only does he beat Chef in terms of quality, he works well under pressure as well. If the food he makes isn't done on time, Snookums the monster will probably start eating the other Muppets. Clearly, only the Swedish Chef has the culinary prowess to win the day here.
- Infraggable Krunk
While Isaac Hayes is innately cool, the Swedish Chef is... Swedish. As in RANTING SWEDE. Swedish people can be freaking angry! I know, because I'm Norwegian and I went to Sweden once. It was pretty hostile! I accidently look at someone the wrong way and BOOM! Two meatballs stuck up my nose! It was crazy! ... Wait... what are we talking about again?
I had to go for the Swedish Chef, not just because I myself am about half Swede, also I think being a Muppet (hopeful TM) or Scandinavian (ditto) will turn into a TM. Chef only makes foods that are sexy and he can use for crude innuendo. Also I think salty chocolate would taste like $h!t, and that's really all he makes. The Swedish Chef (I wish it was Swedish Shef, but nevermind) can make delicacies from a smegging rubber chicken. I mean come on! A rubber chicken probably tastes worse than Spam (I wouldn't know as I've never had either.) And if worse comes to worse, The SC can use his blunderbuss or mallet on the Chef, turning him into shreds. But Sweden has many delicacies, like pickeled herring and meatballs(not with spaghetti), so SC can cook) South Park is a redneck backwater where pizza is foreign food. 'Nuff said.
- Bow down to the power of Sveden
I hope that this match's sponsor, Pepto-Bismol, will accept legal liability for the digestive problems I suffered just from reading the introduction.
- Lee Bridges
The Swedish Chef vs. the South Park Chef on Iron Chef? Truly, a match made in heaven.
OTA: Fukui-san? The Swedish challenger has diced up a can of the SPAM, and he is having the blue, strangely-nosed assistant place it into some boiling water...
A dozen minimum-wage Japanese computer programmers run out and try and clean up the wreckage of half of Kitchen Stadium
Shortly thereafter, the Tasting begins, with the Swedish Chef having brought four dishes to the table - SPAM a la mode, SPAM Can Deepfried in Fat (high in iron), SPAMeurkraut, and (thanks to Gonzo's efforts) Boiled SPAM Flambe.
Chef McElroy counters with five of his own dishes. SPAM Topped With Viagra, Chocolate Salted SPAM, Grilled SPAM (with Rhino Horn), SPAM and Provocatively Placed Carrot, and finally some SPAM Of Luvin' (don't ask).
At which point, things go terribly wrong. The Swedish Chef's creations, while...interesting...receive only a lukewarf reaction. His unfamiliarity with the Theme Ingredient(tm) seems like it has cost him the match.
But Chef McElroy's dishes do not go over too well. The HyperCritical Culinary Critic(tm) complains about the physical arousal within the works not bringing out the best in the SPAM. The Fortune Teller Older Than Time Itself(tm) will feel strangely attracted to Chef's...uh, works...but, upon having a vision from the future of lots of little, psychic Cheflings, decides that she'd better score him low. The Eyelash-Batting Actress(tm) will enjoy the salt of the Chocolate Salted SPAM (seriously, that chick is addicted to salt) and ask for the...uh, recipe...backstage sometime. Chef's desire to comply is cutoff when the Headmaster finishes his dish, and looks at Chef in that special 'I've been stuck in this damned Academy for over five years, I need SOMEBODY!' way. At the thought of using his Chef-ly studliness on a frilly-clothes headmaster with a cooking fetish and bell peppers for breath, he will stab himself with one of his own provocative carrots. Swedish Chef wins by default.
- Benjamin 'Tin Foil Chef' Massey
hey Hotbranch!!!! which way is it to the "Thinkmaster Porn Annex" in the library here??? i was just wondering if Chef really did do it with the Swedish bikini team that the Swedish Chef just happen to have as "ass-istants" for his iron chef match here. even though Chef was willing to get down with any of the alien chicks that might have showed up, i just dont think he's freaky enuff to bump uglies with Miss Piggy, unless he really want to find out if that thing about pigs having 30 minute orgasms is true.
- BIGMRG74 - was caught once, doing it with can of spam, it does just feel like warm apple pie
Just follow the trail of used tissues... HB!
I couldn't help but notice that one of the judges who appears on Iron Chef is a Japanese musician by the name of Korn, who not only makes music but also appeared as the voice of Chef on the Japanese version of South Park. Doubtlessly, this connection will give Chef a considerable advantage; after all, Chef is, in a strange and convoluted way, one of their own.
Bah, Morimoto could out SPAM them all.
- - Cowsai, the highly tended bovine
First of all, I'm Swedish. So my vote goes to Chef McEloy, of course.
I know what Swedish food taste like...
Well, smell ya later! Bye, bye. Or, in Swedish: Hej då.
- Lord Håkan
There is a sad, sad truth about this match and that is that nobody will win. First, outside of chocolate salty balls, has anyone ever seen Chef cook anything? No, of course not! Chef maintains his position through the use of his "sushi roll," as Dave put it. And, undoubtedly, he will be too busy writing songs about the all-encompassing Japanese sex trade to cook for the Chairman.
So it seems like the Swedish Chef has this in the bag, eh? Unfortunately, the Swedish Chef's crazy methods will muck his plans up. As evidenced in the old Croonchy Stars cereal commercials from the long forgotten age of 1988, the Swedish Chef loves to cook by pumping things full of air until they explode. Unfortunately, SPAM is a much more volatile substance than Croonchy Stars is, so when the SPAM is filled with air, the preservatives that allow such a strange meat? to sit on the shelf for decades will violently explode, killing not only the Swedish Chef but all in Kitchen Stadium. As the Chairman would also have perished, there could be no posthumous award of victory.
So long as there's a jam session with Chef and Electric Mayhem, I'll be happy.
- Kilgore Trout
According to a video clip I saw a few years ago on the South Park web site, Chef McElroy descended from Norwegian emigrants. (His colour results from a birthmark typical for his family). Chef would win this hand down wether fist fight or cooking-contest. Chef has such specialities in his heritage as "lutefisk", "gammelost", "pultost" and "gravlaks". What does this weak Swede have against that? Meatballs (Narn "breen") and "surstrømling"? Purr-lease! Chef makes some fried eggs with "gammelost" thus knocking out the entire Muppet posse with the smell. Plus Chef can walk through cracks. ('Cause he's flat.)
As much as I hate to say it, I see a slam-dunk victory for Chef that leaves the Swedish Chef running offstage like one of his chickens.
The Swedish Chef is already starting with several handicaps, of which the second-biggest is his incomprehensible accent. Even after several decades of working with the Muppets, none of them -- even the diplomatic-minded Kermit -- can comprehend what he says. As Dave rightly points out, any orders he gives will surely be misunderstood by his "assistants," ensuing in lots of Wacky Muppet Hijinx(tm)(R).
As for the Swedish Chef's biggest handicap, it's those aformentioned assistants. Anyone who's even watched one minute of a Muppet Show or Muppet Movie can predict what's going to happen once the contest starts -- Gonzo will cook up (pun intended) an insane scheme to make Spam Flambe' with an oversized eggbeater, Fozzie will try to get his big break overseas by telling jokes in badly-translated Japanese, and Rowlf will have his paws full trying to get those two back in line that he won't have time to help the Swedish Chef at all. Sorry, no way, cue the Wacky Muppet Hijinx(tm)(R) already.
McElroy has a tactical advantage, but recall that he is still a public elementary school chef. This is sort of like selling cat food; you don't have to please the actual consumers, only the people who pay you. Students always gripe about the quality of cafeteria food, so unless they get sick, complaints to parents and faculty earn nothing more than Grumpy-Old-Man anecdotes ("You kids think you have it tough! Why, back in my day, we had to peel and disinfect the potatoes ourselves!"). And even if the gripes were heeded, McElroy is covered by both the teachers' union and supply-and-demand. Have you any idea how hard it is to attract a part-time chef to work in a public school in a sub-arctic environment? (Note: Out of respect for our nation's competent Black chefs, Affirmative-Action-related arguments will not be mentioned here.)
The Swedish Chef, on the other hand, is not only in private enterprise, but is the long-time chef for a high-profile vaudeville production. He is supplied with a high budget with which to personally acquire the finest ingredients for creating satisfying dishes for an enormous range of species, and he does it well, else he would not still be around. Anxiety over his job keeps him on his toes, since he knows that in the cutthroat show-biz sector, both performers and staff lose their positions the same month they lose their sparkle; sometimes petty politics can eliminate you before you even get hired (hence the nervous Swedish Chef's repeated "Bork Bork Bork" references). With his experience in cooking for a higher-class audience, this Iron Chef award is in the bag.
- Matt Bricker
Swedes are usually thought of as peaceful folk, but that's a scurrilous lie perpetuated by that weenie Nobel and his oh-so-precious prizes. During the 16th and 17th centuries, Sweden was the terror of Europe, nearly taking over the Thirty Years War single-handed and fighting plenty of other conflicts besides. They even beat Russian armies in winter, and you know how tough that is. (The only reason they stopped blitzkrieging around is that they finally woke up and said, "Hey, why are we invading other countries? We've got Swedish women back home! Sign the peace treaty, already!" Fearsome warriors and smart.)
"Fine," you say, "but I don't see any Russians for the Swedish Chef to kick around, unless you pull out that old Naked Gun 2 joke about Black Russians." Gosh, you figured me out.
Well, think about it. He's rotund; he's got a beard; he lives in a place almost perpetually covered with snow without showing any discomfort. He has to drink like a Russian Premier: how else could he stand those kids? His cover is blown, and in a fit of nationalistic fervor, the Swedish Chef is going to go King Gustavus Adolphus all over him. (Another public service of Grudge Match: giving you phrases you never thought you'd see written.)
- Call me Shane
These two! On Iron Chef! Chef Boyardee is spinning in his grave.
"Iron Chef Swedish" sounds a lot better than "Iron Chef Federally-Subsidized-Cafeteria-Slop."
- Mr. Silverback- A.k.a. "Iron Chef Hamburger Helper"TM
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