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- Robert S. Mitchell, VP Properties, World Wrestling Federation

The Setting

Hannibal Lecter

vs.

Jeffrey Dahmer

The Commentary

There is a slight pause in the production of this discussion as Steve and Brian are engaged in a heated debate. Steve claiming he is above this incompassionate atrocity to mankind. Brian asking Steve where his conscience was when Forrest Gump and Rainman's handicaps were openly ridiculed. The exchange ends with both sides disgruntled. This could build into a potential future Grudge Match. Our mutual friend, Sam, someone with even lower standards then Steve OR Brian, has agreed to fill in for the striking Steve. What do you think, Sam "the scab"?

SAM: Lower standards? You must be kidding! I think both you and Steve have proven that standards are never an issue when it comes to the Grudge Match.

Now with that out of the way, on with the debate. Well Brian, I have to go with Hannibal in this battle of skewed culinary tastes. While it was not an easy one, my decision is based on one fact: Who will remain focused. Hannibal clearly has the advantage, since he is unquestionably one cool operator. (He can take the heat in Julia's kitchen.)

One could envision Dahmer getting sidetracked, perhaps with a young member of the audience, and not even completing the task at hand. I think there is also a significant probability that Jeffrey may have one of those fatal, but not altogether uncommon, kitchen slip and fall injuries. Hannibal would just proceed, possibly humming a few bars of his favorite opera, like the culinary artist that he is and produce a masterpiece, the hands down winner.

BRIAN: It's like Steve never left! The same, short-sighted arguments like always. Sure, Dr. Lecter would be more focused, but that's assuming he wants to win, or even participate, in the first place. As soon as he realizes Ms. Childs has an agenda, he'll "toy with her and then turn to stone." He's not going to perform in front of all those people, that's not his goal. I'm not sure what his goal is, but that's certainly not it. Dahmer, on the other hand, is just dying for attention. He'll give his best performance ever!

And let's just say, for the sake of argument, that Lecter gives it his all. His main course is much more sophistocated and much more attractively presented than Dahmer's (fava beans vs. pork and beans, no contest); but Lecter loses the decision on dessert with his pancreas-chunk cupcakes. While there was nothing wrong with the cupcakes themselves, the icing, provided by Miggs, was criticized by Ms. Childs as being "too salty". She had to spit the icing out (funny, I thought she swallowed). Dahmer wins by default.

SAM: Well Brian, you have stooped to a new low. You may indeed have a point with your "willingness to participate" arguement, but I must contend that Dr. Lecter will have a strong desire to put Dahmer in his place. Lecter views Dahmer as a sloppy, sub-par serial killer with poor planning and severely lacking mental power. He wants to make Dahmer look foolish, and we both know Hannibal has mastered this skill.

Here is just one example of how the good doctor could get "under Jeffrey's skin", so to speak. Since the setup is not soundproof, Lecter will be up to what he does best, yes you guessed it, mind games. He would be saying things like: "Where is the head Jeffrey?"......"They are coming to get the head Jeffrey."......"You better hide the head Jeffrey."...."Hide the head now Jeffrey!!!"

The smoke clears and in the end Dr. Lecter displays a fine, well garnished meal, cupcakes and all. In fact, Ms. Childs comments on the cupcakes by saying: "These are so very wonderful, I haven't had a flavor explosion like this since I was a young woman." While on the other side of the glass, Dahmer unwillingly displays the fruits of his labors, a display box, of sorts. This box was constructed by destroying some of the kitchen cabinets and is the proper size to display something about the size of a bowling ball, but the well informed observer would guess otherwise.

Open a bottle of Chianti and relax Dr. Lecter, you are the winner.

BRIAN: Amazing! First you accuse me of stooping to a new low, and then you surpass me with the 'flavor explosion' and skull-altar remarks. Keep the glibness to yourself Mr. Cleaner-than-thou.

But back to the subject. You continue, Sam, with the same foolish arguments and logic. Don't feel bad, though, for these are common rookie mistakes. Steve and I made them all the time back in the old days. In fact, Steve still makes them. Anyway, you suggest Lecter will want to make Dahmer look foolish. No way. Lecter has the utmost respect for other serial killers, even ones as sloppy as Buffalo Bill. You also suggest that Lecter will be able to mentally bully Dahmer around as if he were Miggs. Let's be clear. Dahmer, while no Ted Bundy, has shown that he is much smarter than Miggs. I don't see Dahmer swallowing his own tongue over something Lecter mumbles to him.

And besides, as I stated before (and what you agreed with), Lecter is not a showman. As you so eloquently pointed out, Lecter enjoys mind games. He enjoys them so much, in fact, that he would rather do that than perform like a monkey in front of a bunch of WWWF cameras. Lecter would be saying things like "I'll cook this rump roast if you tell me about your father" when all the while Dahmer is furiously preparing his liver and onions to impress the young boys in the audience.

Again, Dahmer will win by default as Lecter won't cook anything. Dahmer will be so excited with the victory that HE will be the one having an old friend for dinner.

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