An Aston Martin DB5 roars down the byways of Los Angeles. Its driver (on the right-hand side) is grizzled, but with steely determination in his eyes. He growls to himself in a rolling burr, as he downshifts on a hill.

"Mike Myers... that pipsqueak... making a mockery of my signature genre. I lived and let live for two movies, but he's gone too far now. Goldmember, my Scottish a**e. It's time to live and let die."

He stops at a red light, only noticing a moment later the Aston Martin V12 Vanquish idling next to him. The driver comes as an even bigger shock. "You!?"

Pierce Brosnan looks over. "Hello, Sean. Fancy meeting you here. We were just on our way to give that Myers punk a sound thrashing."

"We?"

The rear window rolls down, and Roger Moore peeks his head out. "That's right, old chap. We brought Timothy Dalton and George Lazenby along to join in the fun. Hardly sporting, a four-on-one fight, but no better than he deserves."

"We were going to invite you along," Dalton says, "but we thought it might be too much excitement for you."

"Oh, really?" Connery says. "Well, you and your friends can just turn around now. I'm handling Myers myself. I wouldn't trust you boys to handle Miss Moneypenny."

"Terribly sorry you feel that way," Brosnan says, his eyes hardening, "but we really must insist." He brings his BMW's weapons systems on-line. Connery matches his move just as the light turns green.

So, Shane, which Bond (or band of Bonds) has a view to a kill, and who will only live once?

SHANE: Some matches are just fundamentally unfair. Sean Connery going up against his four successors in the Bond franchise is one of them. It would take at least eight to make it even.

Sean Connery is probably the most dangerous man on Earth. He was fighting the good fight against the USSR and its minions, as well as a dizzying array of freelance supervillains, before either of us was even a gamete, and won every time. He's foiled more nuke plots than Osama bin Laden could dream of, and without having to wait until the afterlife to receive his, ahem, reward. He's so cool and tough, he could watch Goldfinger's laser creep between his spread-eagled legs without sweating a drop. He has no fear, and nothing remotely resembling political correctness. He's a real man, and will doubtless have a flock of Bond women close at hand to do his bidding in this match, and then some.

And time hasn't eroded his skills. He's kept himself sharp by infiltrating Alcatraz, getting Soviet nuclear submarines to defect, tracking down the Holy Grail, and cat-burglaring with Catherine Zeta-Jones (and he scores again!). He's even got a sterner training method in his repertoire: golf. And if you think that's easy, talk to Tiger Woods the next time he shoots 81 at the British Open. Connery has even survived a brush with the Evil Mouse-Eared Empire™, having ruthlessly been cast as a singing Irishman (Irish! Oh, the insult!) in a leprechaun movie. Well, Walt died in 1966, right at the peak of Connery's Bond career. Coincidence? That's what you were supposed to think ...

Expect Sir Sean to dial a number on his on-board cellphone and blow up the other Bonds' car. (It's probably on speed-dial.) As he drives past the flaming wreckage, he quips, "Sorry, I'll tell Myers you were called away."

JOHN: Shane, the most important thing for you to do right now is stay calm. I thank the Lord that you had the presence of mind to slip this coded call for help past your kidnappers letting us know something's wrong, since obviously no one in their right mind would think that the Sean Connery Bond has a chance against any one of the other Bonds, let alone all of them together. Here's what you should do: in your next leg of the commentary, drop some subtle hint about where they're keeping you, so we can send in a rescue team.

Now, Sean Connery is well over 70 - the only place that old retiree is dangerous is behind the wheel of the Chrysler LeBaron he's driving these days. Plus, let's not forget it was the Sean Connery James Bond who was easily subdued by Homer Simpson on his lunch break as he tried to escape the clutches of Hank Scorpio. (Pierce Brosnan had a better showing as Ultrahouse 3000.) So obviously, for you to say something so profoundly stupid must mean that someone has tied you up somewhere and forced you at gunpoint to write nonsense.

The second clue that you'd been apprehended came when you "mistakenly" assumed that Lazenby, Moore, Dalton and Brosnan comprise the full universe of "all other James Bonds". Hell, in Casino Royale, there was David Niven, Peter Sellers, Woody Allen, and about fifty-seven other James Bonds who can be added to the party. Never once in his days as Bond did Sean Connery square off against such strong opposition as the Pink Panther, Dr. Strangelove and Fielding Mellish. In fact, didn't Connery have three movies to knock off Ernst Stavro Blofeld? Roger Moore ended up plugging him in the opening credits of For Your Eyes Only (not even pausing to muss that classic '70s feathered hairdo, I believe). Recall that the only one of the 007's who's ever been able to kill another 00 agent was Pierce Brosnan when he dusted off 006, Alex Trevelyan. Sean Connery, by contrast, has a hard time taking on Alex Trebek, so the odds of Connery killing multiple 00 agents in one go looks pretty remote.

Clearly, Shane, you are being held against your will; your clever submission of ridiculous twaddle and sophistry has alerted us to this. As surely as the other James Bonds will reduce Connery into the constituent parts required for haggis, so will we here at Grudge Match(tm) get you back safe and sound, just so long as you let us know where it is they've taken you.

SHANE: John, you're making less sense than usual. Take deep breaths, while I dispel any lingering confusion your commentary created.

First, don't bring up television. James Bond has nothing to do with television, and absolutely nothing to do with sketches from worn-out comedies, one past its peak by five years, the other by twenty-five years. (And you still watch SNL? You're Canadian: you're not required to suffer like Americans.)

Of course, those other Bonds have nothing to do with competence. If you had seen Casino Royale, you'd know all those Bonds get blown up in the end, and this is not a zombie match. As for the living Bonds, George Lazenby single-handedly set Australia Chic™ back over fifteen years with one movie, burying it until Paul Hogan arrived. Not even Yahoo Serious and Jacko together could retard it more than a decade. Roger Moore thought he was still playing The Saint, and gave us a smily, glossy, Up With People Bond so unconvincing that Q wouldn't show up for his first movie. Before the Bond films, Timothy Dalton played second banana to Sam J. Jones (anyone remember that name?) in Flash Gordon; he staggered out of the series into playing second banana to Fran Drescher. Tells us all we need to know about him.

Pierce Brosnan is the only factor going against Connery, and he's not bad - but he suffers a crucial flaw. Q is gone, and now he's got John Cleese supplying his gadgets. An Aston Martin equipped with cow catapults, dead parrots, upper-class twit detectors, and an onboard English-Hungarian translator that misinterprets everything into dirty talk - well, Brosnan could use the last one while cruising for women, but it's no good in this battle. Brosnan will have a Silly Walk when Connery's through schooling him. The rest will be lucky to crawl away.

JOHN: Hmmm... unrealistic fantasies about women... incoherent writing indicating severe distraction... typed message with differing force applied to keys resulting in some letters being bolded, symptomatic of one-handed "hunt-and-peck" typing... I've got it - you're being held in the old pornography warehouse down by the docks! I've just dispatched Hotbranch! and Joe to your location. (Luckily for all involved they just "happened to be in the neighborhood".)

Thankfully, now that we know where you are, you can stop acting monstrously retarded and admit that a tricked-up BMW convertible that lobs Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch would be just about the coolest thing going. Which would be appropriate seeing as how the later Bond cars and gadgets were way cooler than Connery's standard fare: an Aston Martin with optional cupholder was just about all that Connery could handle. For example, in From Russia With Love, ConneryBond has a tape recorder cleverly disguised as a movie camera, because no one would ever suspect that you could record things with a movie camera. (Then again, this is a man whose relative intelligence was such that he spent five years of his life trying to develop an Anal Bum Cover, and failed. Hey, Sean, it's called pants, look into it.) Cripes, even Roger Moore had a watch that could deflect bullets, and Pierce Brosnan's watch can shoot lasers, detonate explosives, act as a rappelling device and impregnate women from 500 yards away (OK, that last one is just supposition).

The superiority of the latter Bonds was also evident in the better, sluttier class of Bond girls™ they dealt with. I mean, Xenia Onatopp was able to kill men by basically having sex with them. Not a bad way to go, but the BrosnanBond was able to conquer her both in bed and on the field of combat. By contrast, Sean Connery got beat up by two women named Bambi and Thumper. No shit. I mean, as you note, he took it up the chute from Disney once before.

Looking forward to your safe return, Shane. It may take you a few days to regain your regular composure and lucidity after such incredible trauma, which is why we've arranged for your next seven matches to happen as soon as you get back. I mean, we don't want to waste this.

The Results

Sean Connery (2111 - 70.3%)

lives and lets die

The Other Bonds (892 - 29.7%)

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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

As the light turns green, the car of four pulls ahead of their older peer. Hoping to get a lead on Connery, Pierce Brosnan has opted to use R's onboard navigation screen and car control to simply outrun the old man. But as he pushes the button...

"What in blazes are you doing, 007... um, 007s? Haven't I warned you not to mess with that button?"

"John, we're not filming another flick. Connery's trying to beat us to Myers. Any thoughts?"

"Well, bloody hell, I dunno. You four are the ones who DRIVE the blasted cars, I just pretend I made them! Now, I've got more important matters than this Austin Powers drivel. Just try to outsmart him. Oh, and unlike Q, I really don't mind if you don't make it back in one piece!"

As John Cleese fades from the monitor, Roger Moore looks at his younger driver. "I rather preferred Desmond, didn't you?"

"Yes, I... wait, is that...?" is all Pierce can mutter before another Aston Martin rockets around him. Sean has obviously not lost a step as he shoots an oil slick onto the road. By ramping over a conveniently placed Russian Army truck, the "other" Bonds are able to avoid it.

Roger Moore looks puzzled at Sean speeding away. "It's almost like his Bond Aura of Coolness (pat. pending) is at full strength, but ours is hampered. Got any ideas?"

Pierce glances to Roger, then to George and Timothy, and then back to Roger. The two nod in agreement as Pierce presses a red button on the gearshift. "A little heat ought to temper our aura" quips Pierce as Lazenby and Dalton, the lesser Bonds, are ejected, flying into an abandoned gas station below and exploding on impact. The two remaining Bonds, now without added suckiness, begin to make headway against Connery.

The two cars are literally only inches apart as they barrel along the Northern California highway. Strangely enough, a large cliff expands off both sides of the road, meaning that one wrong move will be the last. At last the two reach a straightaway, and Pierce, seeing the opportunity, flicks another button on the dashboard. Two Stinger missiles pop from the hood, fire, and connect, leaving the other Aston Martin a flaming wreck. Moore and Pierce slide to a perfect stop next to the wreck and leave their car.

"Age gains wisdom and loses reflexes," Pierce says with a smile. Moore, however, leans in closer to inspect the car. "One small problem, old chap. Connery wasn't in the vehicle."

Pierce runs over to check, but already it is too late. Out of the cliff rises a helicopter, piloted by Celebrity Jeopardy's finest. Roger Moore attempts to fire his Walther PPK, but a Hellfire missile sends both him and Mr. Brosnan to a fiery death. The helicopter lands upon the road, and Mr. Connery exits, smiling over his opponents' remains.

"Looks like they got it right the first time. Can't beat the original."

"I tend to agree, Sean."

Connery spins, only to be hit with a poison dart in the carotid artery. As his vision fades, he sees a... Mini Cooper?

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas...

In a super-exclusive area in an unnamed hotel, John Cleese looks away from a set of monitors that has been televising the match. He then turns to his audience, comprised of the Grudge Match commentators. Holding up money collected from them earlier, he says, smiling, "Which one of you picked Michael Caine?"

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

As one of the planet's 3 or 4 women who have seen every James Bond film ever made, multiple times, I have to weigh in. Undoubtedly you will receive endless macho rants about Connery's unsurpassed toughness and masculinity, but have these wannabe supermodel-daters ever considered the Babe Factor? I refer to the greatest Bond girl of them all: Diana Rigg in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service."

Connery's Bond was only able to get into bed with former beauty pageant winners who had nothing else to them, and whose careers were over as soon as they lost their looks. Diana Rigg, a former Royal Shakespeare Company star, had just come off her triumphant run as the legendary catsuit-clad Mrs. Peel on "The Avengers." Radiating intelligence, confidence, and supreme coolness, she was postmodern- witty before the term was invented, and hit that screen like 10,000 volts. No one ever looked as good in a leather jumpsuit and Breck flip, and to this day, there's no one like her. She was recently voted the Number One Hippest Star ever by TV Guide, after a long and distinguished career in which she was not only made Dame of the British Empire, but swept up every major stage acting award in both England and the U.S. She's about to pick up another one for her brilliant performance in the West End's "The Humble Boy," still going strong - and looking damn impressive - after a career of almost 40 years.

The Remarkable Rigg was considered the only woman good enough for James Bond to marry. And who did she agree to marry? George Lazenby!

If the hippest female of the 60s thinks that George Lazenby's Bond was so hot that she'd marry him, who am I to argue? As soon as he sees Lazenby, Connery is going to curl up in a corner, nursing his post- traumatic stress and muttering neurotically, "Lazenby? That wimp? How'd he get Diana? What did I do? Was it my voice? Should I have tried harder? Maybe I should lose a few pounds? Do I have any zits? What could I have...."

(OK, so she reputedly ate raw garlic before her kissing scene with Lazenby, but that's beside the point.)

- Lee Bridges

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

There's only one way to settle this: with matheMAGIC! (Thank you, Donald Duck!)

Connery is statistically harsher on his opponents (and their major henchmen). Sir Sean has killed 10 bad guys over 8 movies, with only one surviving (but in CIA custody). That's a 91% successful exercise of his license to kill.

The only Bond more successful is Brosnan, who kills roughly 100% of the evildoers (some are debatable). BUT when added together with Mollycoddling Moore (25% of his villains survive), Dainty Dalton (40%) and Let-em-Escape Lazenby (100%), the Bond Collective's Successful Villain Eradication Rate is 80%, most of it Brosnan. (I'm not counting Blofeld or Gen. Gogol because they're supposed to survive.)

Should Pierce get caught up in fighting volcanos or evading Rene Russo, their joint success rate drops to 71%.

So their chances against Connery are iffy at best. Even if they do beat him initially, they won't manage to kill him and he'll get to Powers first, cruelly pummeling him with his Diamonds are Forever dead squirrel... I mean, hair piece.

Oh, did I mention one of the bad guys that the Bonds allowed to live was Wayne Newton? Oh yeah, they're going to PAY!

- Fellatia L'Argely

{Is that a Bond name or an Austin Powers name? Either way, that alone deserves an award. - Eds.}

A very unusual matchup - one man against four. But, it may not be as one-sided as it looks.

First of all, this is a fight. Therefore, we can safely leave out romancing ability as a factor. Secondly, all of the Bonds faced and defeated evil villains and used all sorts of gadgets. That cancels out. How then can this match be decided? Consider the following:

George Lazenby - Australian
Roger Moore - English
Timothy Dalton - Welsh
Pierce Brosnan - Irish

Sean Connery - Scottish

Now, what does this mean to someone knowledgeable in the ways of the Grudge Match? Connery wins! It has been long established by many precedents that Scotsmen are amongst the most fierce fighters in the Grudge Match universe. Very few can stand against them.

But wait, there's more. Sean Connery also appeared in the first two "Highlander" films. Therefore, he can draw on the immortality from that role to create the near ultimate nightmare for a Grudge Match opponent - a true fighting Scotsman who is also immortal.

So, when the dust settles, there will be four icky piles that were once human beings on the street and Sean Connery will be driving away to find Mike Myers. Mike doesn't stand a chance, since he is only Canadian.

- The Demented Astronomer

If it's the Bond actors, they'll all just skid off the road at the first corner, all the while yelling for a stunt double. They'll be a massive explosion, and all five die, leaving room for the next Bond actor (This is probably just me, but I'd like to see Ian McKellen as the next Bond. Imagine him in a tuxedo, yelling, "BOND... JAMES BOND! SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED!!". Come on, that's gotta be worth the price of a ticket).

If these are the real Bonds, then the proper match begins. After a few skids, some bumps and a few gadgets that cause some trouble, but not enough to derail either car, a Union Jack Shaguar comes driving out... no sorry, that's a cop-out, I know. Ummm... maybe the Gadget Mobile... no, wait... oh hell, I'll just vote for the other Bonds. The side with the Monty Python reference must be pretty good.

The Other Bonds win after Connery cockily pops a chocolate into his mouth while driving. Unfortunately, they were the Whizzo brand, and he bit down hard on an Anthrax Whipple...

- Mixmaster Flibble - Do not take me for a Star Trek character, Bilbo Baggins!!

Alright, let's tread down an old Grudge Tactic Trail...INTERFERENCE. Connery has a SH*T load of friends/acquaintances/"lady friends" he can call on, from Sir Lancelot to Nicolas Cage to Christopher Lambert (and thus the cast of Mortal Kombat), from Tom Clancy to Harrison Ford to George Lucas to Stephen Spielberg to John-Rhys Davies, and thus by connection Peter Jackson and the cast of Lord of the Rings (gotta love the connections you get from ONE Indiana Jones flick), and so many others (including Alex Trebek, who I hear is just a glutton for punishment)! With all those ties, the unstoppable power of Kevin Bacon has to be in there somewhere...

The other Bonds? Well...Brosnan has Mars Attacks!, but through plain "suckitude"(tm), the film is cancelled out. I know, I know, Jack Nicholson, Michael J. Fox, David Spade, and Natalie Portman could've played a huge part in the outcome, but, come one, that movie sucked! Besides, I hear Robin Williams is STILL after him after the whole Mrs. Doubtfire debacle. Roger Moore...what the hell did he do? I can't even remember. Tells you how important it was. Lazenby? Don't make me laugh. Dalton? He has the Nanny, and while Fran's sheer annoyance and connection to Weird Al and Michael Richards via "UHF" makes her a force to be reckoned with, she will be no match for Sean's superior Mentos-level coolness (tm) and advanced Q-weaponry. Dalton also has the Rocketeer...FATAL MISTAKE. Connery=CAN'T STAND DISNEY. Rocketeer=PRODUCED BY TOUCHSTONE, OWNED BY DISNEY. And while the Touchstone connection and Disney ownership has ties to the wrath of Roger Rabbit and some films ol' Sean has been in, that sheer knowledge of Dalton's appearance will trigger one of the single most powerful forces known to Grudge-Man...THE RAGE (tm).

Sean will fire everything he's got at his adversaries. As seen in The Rock (which has ties with Disney ownership, which to this day pisses Sean off to no end), Connery doesn't give two shakes of a rat's ass about any property he may destroy in the process. Combine this with his leftover powers from Highlander (which would've been neutralized by Highlander II: The Piece of Crap, had it not been for the much improved "Renegade Edit" of the movie, thus changing it to Highlander II: The Not-Quite-So-Large-As-The-Original Piece of Crap"), and the four "other" Bonds will be killed in, oh, I'd say approximately 5 1/2 minutes, which is about the average length of kick-ass Bond action sequences.

- Mithrandir- PISSED that Termie didn't win the last Tourney, and Justice remains undone...

And the true spy-watchers know that none of them holds a candle to Flint.

- The Shabby Sheik

- Vermin Boy

- TheRubberNinja

But I digress. Sean Connery can't lose this match- because he is outnumbered. Yes, he can't lose BECAUSE he's outnumbered.

Whenever a Grudge Match features one individual against a group of people/chihuahuas/whatever, the side with the advantage in numbers always loses. For examples of this, see John McClane vs. the Death Star, McGyver vs. the A-Team (and they had Mr. T on their side!) and Keebler Elves vs. Cookie Monster.

The only exceptions to this rule are when the outnumbered side is aligned with the forces of Hell (Chucky, Beetlejuice, Macaulay Culkin). To the best of my knowledge, Sean Connery does not have any ties to Satan, so he does not fall into this category.

- The Amazing Rando~!

- Noman

So here is the best-of-all outcomes scenario: Brosnan gets out and challenges Connery to a hand-to-hand duel. As soon as he's out, a rocket from a streetlight launches, obliterating Brosnan's car. Q's ghost appears from where he installed the rocket in the streetlight, and Brosnan, Connery, and Q take off, find Austin Powers, and give him a death that even Blofeld would think was both stomach-turning and excessive.

- - J.W. (Absolutely no relation to Sheriff J.W. Pepper)

Oh, very well, if I must. The Third Inviolable Rule states: the first movie in a series, and the first group of movies in a long series, is always the best.

If you need proof of this self-evident edict, I give you:
Jurassic Park
Austin Powers
Stuart Little (Yeah, I know, it's like comparing the circles of hell, but the rule still holds)
Aladdin

Star Wars nearly broke this rule by ignoring the Fourth Inviolable Rule (George Lucas cannot direct) but Episode IV managed to squeak by for three reasons: 1) It had a death star, 2) the Mos Eisley Cantina, and 3) No ewoks. And if you compare episodes IV-VI to episodes I-II, (snort), well, I don't really need to finish this sentence, do I?

The only thing that can overcome an Inviolable Rule is a superior Rule. For example, if Tim Allen were in The Matrix 2, it would still be okay, because of the special effects. After all, Keanu Reeves didn't ruin the first one, right? (see Rule #5) And even the new Star Wars movies are pretty fun to watch because of the lightsaber duels. But since all the Bond movies had superior special effects for their time, and Sean Connery never worked with Tim Allen, the Third Rule reigns supreme. The original 007 crushes his helpless successors.

- Shadowkiller

Sean joins forces with the other 4, and, for the sake of the free world, they keep Austin Powers (and Fat Bastard...and Dr. Evil...and EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THAT MOVIE PLAYED BY MIKE MEYERS...) in a perpetual state of agony.

('Cuz you KNOW they learned SOMETHING from all that time in Dr. No's torture chamber.)

- -The Mad Josher

- Grudge-Pops(tm): From the makers of ColonBlow laxatives

- Wubbie

[Scene 1: A Detective Agency.]
LAURA: The great detective Remington Steele? He doesn't exist. I invented him. He assumed Remington Steele's identity. I don't even know his real name.
MILDRED: Hey, Laura, I just saw Remington driving down the byways of Los Angeles. Except he was saying his name is "James Bond."
LAURA: Why, that no-good, square-haired, dimwitted Irish freak! Trying to double-cross me by taking a second job and slapping basses with Denise Richards! I'll kill him!

[Scene 2: A bluish, futuristic-looking studio apartment. John Steed pops out of a teapot.]
STEED: Mrs. Peel, we're needed. James Bond -- the real James Bond, the one with the Australian accent -- is fighting off a Scottish pretender to his title. We must go help him.
MRS. PEEL: Steed, there's something I never told you. I was married to James Bond. Then I faked my own death and changed my name back to Emma. But my true love will always be that Aussie secret agent with the castoff chin borrowed from Cary Grant.
STEED[insane with jealous RAGE(tm)]: Married? Why, you hussy! I may be prissy, but when betrayed, I am a tiger! A prissy tiger, but still...And as for that Lazenby Bond, I'll kill him!

[Scene 3: The office of Inspector Teal.]
TEAL: Curses and maledictions! I recognize that man with the smirk and the really obvious stunt double! It's my old enemy, the famous Simon Templar!
[A halo appears above Roger Moore's head, as it always does whenever anyone says that.]
TEAL: I'm through with chasing the Saint and constantly getting outwitted, like some Rosco P. Coltrane of the Old World. This time I'll go outside the law. I'll kill him!

[Scene 4: An intergalactic warehouse with cardboard walls.]
MING THE MERCILESS: Ah, so it is the annoying Prince Barin, back for more. He thought I wouldn't recognize him in that tuxedo. But no tuxedo is a match for the piercing, lancet-like eyes of Ming the Merciless! Aura, stay here and continue snorting gold dust. Your father is off to earth to see Prince Barin. I'll kill him! [Caption: WILL MING THE MERCILESS DESTROY THE TIMOTHY DALTON BOND? IF DALTON IS DEAD, WILL ANYONE BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE? WATCH FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT IN OUR EXCITING SERIAL...RIGHT NOW!]

[Scene 5: The end of the rainbow. Which end is immaterial.]
BRIAN, KING OF THE LEPRECHAUNS: Faith n' begorrah and all that other stuff! Would ye look at that, me leprechaun subjects! 'Tis young Michael McBride, who sang such pretty songs. Sure and 'tis a bad toupee he's wearin', but 'tis him. Let's be off to the land of Los Angeles to help our old friend in his sore predicament. And while we're there, we can zap those kids who are always botherin' Lucky the Leprechaun.

So, since everybody else has someone on their way to kill them, and Connery has Leprechaun Magic on his side, Connery wins. Beware the banshee!

- Captain Corcoran

Then we have Connery. What did he do to Myers? Refused to be in his movie. Forced him to cast Michael "Don't Bleedin' Feed the Laser- Shark" Caine as Austin's proud papa. I won't spoil the A-List cameos in Goldmember, but Connery was able to put himself above ALL of them. That's right. Even at the ripe old age of eleventy, if he wanted to be Bond again, Brosnan would be out hocking "Penis Mightiers" on E!

- VooDooPork (The Other White Meat)

"I've always hated that damn James Bond. I'd love to kill him."

Now that he has the chance to kill Bond FOUR TIMES OVER, how can he lose?

- Oxymoron ("Calvin fans cheat?! No way!")

Ian Fleming: 1 / All the Bonds: 0

- Hyper_Intelligent_Fish (Who doesn't understand why he's a target....)

- Darth Jureel

- The Anti-Bond Girl

- Captain Demento, weirdo trying to score with Brittany Taylor

Hell no! Give me a Scotsman named Sean! This guy beats up 300- pound bikers using just his thumb. His THUMB!

No further explanation is required.

- Dr. Stones

- Pussycat

Too many times people reason their matches by loose associations because of the logic that if two characters are played by the same guy, they ARE the same character. Stuff like "Seinfeld can beat up Ross because Elaine's boyfriend is the Tick!"

So I looked at the participants and I noticed something. One of the guys on the team side is Roger Moore pretending to be Bond. Hm... where have I seen that before?

Ah, yes. Cannonball Run. I don't even have to make the "Captain Chaos and JJ McClure will fight for Connery!" excuse. In a movie full of inept characters, Roger Moore pretending to be Bond was by far the most inept of all. Not only did he accidentally eject himself into a body of water in the end, but there was also the classic Cannonball Run Fight Scene (tm).

And in a fight against some generic bikers, where Roger Moore pretending to be Bond was fighting alongside Burt Reynolds, Dean Martin and even TOC Winner Jackie Chan, he got his ass kicked. He got his ass kicked by guys that Dom Deluise tore through without breaking a sweat.

Roger Moore pretending to be Bond will cause his team to implode. If it was Sean Connery vs the other three Bonds, it could have been a fair match. Oh well.

- Gavok

On the other hand, 1 is a prime number and 4 isn't, therefore giving Connery the power of Bond Prime(tm). I don't know how significant this is but it sounds pretty impressive...

But I voted for the 4 bonds because 4 bonds = 4 x the bond girls :-)

Hehe

- - my mom was a bond babe...

"Is Sean Connery the best Bond in every way imaginable?" falls into the same question category as: "Canadian Beer. Any good?" "Would I be better off with another million dollars?" "Is oral sex adultery?" and "Should I move out of my parents' house?"

Would Connery Bond destroy all other Bonds? Yes. This is not up for grabs.

- Kairo

Back when Sean was doing promotions for Entrapment, he did an appearance on Jay Leno. While there, some lady asked Mr. Connery if he could fulfill her fantasy of hearing him say, "Lass, take off your Panties(tm)!!!" The rest of the male population in general only has one-tenth of the manliness that the original bond has!! I wishing that when I'm seventy, I will still be at least able to pinch a few nurses' asses. Connery is at seventy, and he's still got women demanding that he give it up for them. Sean Connery is going to go out and beat the other Bonds with some good ole' Canadian lumber, Alex Trebek!! Then, he's going to lay the smack down on that Mike Myers/Austin Powers with the cold, dead, bloody, and limp body of Roger Moore.

- BIGMRG74 --- agent 0074

- Matt

First up was George Lazenby, the one-film wonder. Lazenby had bagged Diana "Emma Peel" Riggs, the hottest Spy-Babe of all time. But he brought humanity and compassion to the role, and nobody wants to see that. He quickly vanished into Connery's shadow.

Next came Roger Moore, Connery's toughest opposition. Moore WAS James Bond to kids growing up in the seventies and early eighties who didn't know any better. Connery stepped aside, muttering the magic words "Sheriff J. W. Pepper" as he did so. Moore, taken by surprise, stumbled and fell into a vat of piping hot seventies cheese.

Hot on his heels was Timothy Dalton, the only man alive who can wear one of those "pirate" shirts they made fun of on Seinfeld and still look tough. The hard-eyed Dalton would certainly be a challenge. But Connery knew his fatal weakness. "Sanchez." Faced with the memory of the lamest, least original Bond villain ever, Dalton scowled and imploded, almost taking the franchise with him.

Meanwhile, Moore struggled free of the boiling cheese, only to be dragged back in by Grace Jones.

Bond found himself face to face with Dalton again. No, wait, it was Pierce Brosnan, armed with more product placements than a Sinbad movie and looking nearly unstoppable. Brosnan landed two solid hits before Connery found his Achilles heel. The painfully miscast Denise Richards as an expert nuclear physicist hamstrung Brosnan, and he too stumbled and fell. "Merry Christmas," Connery muttered.

Watching Moore struggle to free himself from the cheese, Connery's thoughts turned to the future. Who would come next? Rupert Everett? Clive Owen? The guy from "Dracula 2000?" Connery only hoped the producers wouldn't do anything stupid(er).

- KristianwithaCh

- M

So if Roger Moore can overcome her, he can surely take on Connery, especially if he's got three other Bonds helping him out.

- Erik S

- Rainwoman

{Fear not: I escaped my captors, thanks to a plan which cunningly required me to remain in their clutches for a week and a half. My reputation as Grudge Match's funniest commentator preceded me, apparently: they just couldn't stop laughing. - Shane}

But consider this: The question is not whether Connery is certified as an invincible Senior Citizen Crime Fighter^TM, but how many times over he's earned that title. Should we start the count with Outland when he was 50? With The Presidio when he was 58? How about Rising Sun made at 63 or The Rock when he was 66? The Southern California setting allows him to bring in some significant back-up as well. One phone call to fellow SCCF^TM Dr. Mark Sloan of "Diagnosis Murder" and it will only be a few minutes before his son, Detective Steve Sloan, and about 800 cops reach the scene. They'll probably just wait until the younger Bonds run out of ammo and then wade in with batons. Having violated all 2,800 gun control laws broken by anyone carrying a firearm in Los Angeles County, Moore, Lazenby, Dalton and Brosnan are probably going to jail for 30 years apiece even if Connery doesn't press assault charges. He smiles and waves as the paddy wagon takes them away: "Next time, boys, respect your elders."

Later that day, an L.A. Coroner is examining Mike Myers's corpse. "OK, looks like the assailant used a Walther PPK at close range and emptied the clip. But I wonder ... why'd he kick the victim in the crotch so many times post-mortem?"

- Mr. Silverback.......Will Return in "The Man With The Golden Funnybone"

- Sliverthorn

Well, I won't stand for it! I won't! I am establishing GABC: Grudgies Against Bad Cryptography! I'll make damn sure that the next Grudge Match doesn't hide backwards rebuses expressed in anagrammed British crossword clues! How dare the WWWF try to shut out those without the intelligence or patience for such things! Stand up and fight for your rights as non-puzzlers! Down with the eggheads! Lowest common denominator RULEZ!!1!

(Oh, and as for the match itself, _The Avengers_ immediately demolishes all pro-Connery arguments, as cool as he is. Sorry, Sean!)

- Leaper

- Wizard

- ticklewigglejigglepickle

I encourage others to follow my lead and vote (Dr.) "No" on this Bond referendum!

- Mark Wentz

- Celestrialnaut

Now it has been said that Dalton is closest to the vicious sociopathy of the original Ian Fleming paper James Bond. But does Dalton irresistably attract the ladies? Noooooooo no no no nooo, he does not. He made an entire movie with no Bond Girl at all in it. They couldn't get one.

All that's needed for Connery to win is for any women at all to be present. Even if they don't join the fight, the sheer testosterone enhancement value of their moral support will strengthen Connery and sap Dalton's will... quite probably to the point that he runs away in embarrassment before even trying anything.

Of course, Dalton might manage to attract a few BDSM leather queens. (The one person I've ever met who is turned on by him is a BDSM leather queen. I am not making this up.) These are not going to be a powerful fighting force -- they enjoy losing a fight more than winning it.

Brosnan might attract a few giggling teenage girls (after all, many of them dig guys who resemble teenage girls themselves, such as Leo DiCrapio), and Moore might pull in a couple of blued-hair groupies from the nursing home, but the buffed, tanned, collagened and siliconed denizens of LA (and I don't mean just the women) will flock to Connery. (Lazenby will of course attract absolutely no one, rather like our two commentators.) The other four will slink away in shame.

Then Austin Powers will mop the floor with Connery's beard.

- KP

Later is NOW. George Lazenby. What were they thinking? Bond, getting married!? wearing a skirt (they called a "kilt", but Lazenby is Australian and not Scot or Irish, so it is a skirt)?!? and crying at the end of the movie!?!?!?!? What amount of cool wasn't removed by Dalton got completely sunk by Lazenby. What of the other, usually ignored, Bond movie "Casino Royale"? With a bevy of Bonds, the manly coolness which may have been brought to the table is completely sunk that Woody Allen was a Bond in that movie, and while a good wonderful entertainer, neither "manly" or "cool" really seem to apply well to him. He is more a black hole for those concepts than a source. We are now sitting with that Connery has completely out-cooled his entire competition and looks to be in the home stretch for victory. There is one more. Barry Nelson. WHO IS BARRY NELSON? He was the actual first to play James Bond in a made for TV movie 8 YEARS BEFORE DOCTOR NO. 48 years of built up Rage(TM) of hearing how good the first Bond was and nobody means (or remembers that it was) you sends him over the edge.

- Mark (no relation) Nelson

- Peter Tutham

- The Jester

Roger Moore: He's been in Cannonball Run; Fire, Ice, & Dynamite; and Spice World. An impressive selection of crap, but where's he been lately? Only crap. Not a good sign. He's struggled, but not triumphed.

George Lazenby: Who? Whatever.

Timothy Dalton: Yes, Shane has mentioned Flash Gordon and The Beautician and the Beast, but he missed the most important credit for Mr. Dalton: Sextette. Sextette! Playing the excited new husband of 84-year-old Mae West. Augh! My eyes!

Pierce Brosnan: Good work, all around. Nice guy who left acting for several years to spend time with his dying wife. Doing a fine job as Bond. He just hasn't suffered like the rest. He doesn't have the hunger.

Sean Connery: Let's just glance at this man's resume for a moment. Zardoz. Dragonheart. The Avengers! Highlander II!!! Good lord! This man has been in a string of crap that would have finished Bruce Willis (proud survivor of Bonfire of the Vanities and Hudson Hawk)! And it's only made him stronger! Look at the list of credits Shane mentions. He's nae so much a man, as a remorseless movie making machine. If that which does not kill him only makes him stronger, he's prepared to snap Mecha-Streisand in two with his bare hands. I applaud the attempt to make this a contest by matching him up against the rest, but it was doomed to failure. Sean Connery is unstoppable.

After all, he's the one my wife lusts after. Arousing babes is the mark of a true Bond.

- Physics Messiah

- Jake Sadovsky

For final consideration, I refer to the cases of Coke vs. New Coke, Star Wars Episode IV (ANH) vs. Star Wars Episode VI (ROTJ), and Starship Troopers (Kickass Powersuited Novel) vs. Starship Troopers (Crappy Suitless Movie). The original is always better. Except for Aliens, that flick was hardcore.

- Malone. Tracer Malone. (come to think of it, everyone else has probably used that line, huh?)

THE FINAL WORD...

Either way, someone's getting laid after the fight.

- Johnny Ginter

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

James Bond v. Indiana Jones
Battle of the Batmen
Q v. Inspector Gadget

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Next Match: Run for the Border
ETA: Monday, August 12th, 2002