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Outside a Los Angeles television studio, people patiently wait for the opportunity to be in the audience of a talk show. This is line of people commonly called the "stand-by audience." Mr. Johnny Carson has decided to un-retire for a night to raise money for charity. As seats go unclaimed, people at the front of the queue are escorted to a seat in the regular audience. (Hoo-rah!) The others wait patiently. Two adjacent fellows are yammering at each other while waiting--long ago forgetting who actually got there first. A page comes out to talk to the two.
"Okay, we've got one seat left. Who's next?" Jeepers, John, just which jovial jabberwocky will jaunt to see the Johnny jamboree: the jumbo-jawed Jay from L. A. or New York's jaded joke-jockey?
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He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-re's Commentary
Letterman has also been hardened by having to deal with a lower-quality and more dangerous form of guest than Leno ever has. While Leno was battling wits with Raven-Symone from the Cosby show, Letterman was defending his life on a nightly basis from the likes of Brother Theodore, Harvey Pekar and physical confrontations with Crispin Glover. It's as if Letterman grew up in Bosnia or Lebanon; attuned by nurture to combative techniques required for survival. Need I further remind you that if Dave encounters any resistance from Leno, he can draw from his career before talk-show hosting; as the super-hero Letter Man from the Electric Company(tm). All he has to do is rip the letter G from his sweater, and he can turn "Jay Leno" into "No Leg Jay". And if Jay doesn't have any legs, how's he going to get himself into the studio? Letterman by default. Damn, this match is unfair - just because they're both talk show hosts doesn't mean they're remotely in the same league - it's like Casper the friendly ghost vs. Poltergeist. Oh well, let's see what Mark ("Le Flower Child") has to say. Le Flower Child: When you were up in Northern Ontario drowning worms, did you misunderstand what "smoke the fish" meant? Where did you come up with this "French-loving hippie" stuff? Yeah, Dave is a bigger fan of Johnny Carson. That sure helped him inherit the Tonight Show, didn't it? Jay had an inside connection then and even more of one now, since Dave's on a different network. Fanaticism won't help. Your list of guests brought to mind a fine strategy for Jay Leno to use: profanity and vulgarity. As shown by appearances by noted guests Andy Kaufman and Madonna, Dave Letterman flips out when profanity and vulgarity are used (even when, as in Madonna's case, the jokes are just reiterations of his own jokes). Dave Letterman also freaked out when the "blonde bomber," Terry Bradshaw, started playing "hide-and-go-seek" with him. Jay, on the other hand, is a Harley-Davidson rider who hangs out with other hog riders and professional wrestlers. In fact, he hangs out with hog-ridin' professional wrestlers. Now, what is it Letterman does again? Oh yeah, he fantasizes about hanging with super-models while drinking eggnog from a punch bowl. Now who were you saying is Casper? Sure, Dave Letterman was on Electric Company. As long as we're rewriting television history, can Letter Man be narrated by Bo Derek. Gene Wilder was Letter Man and "The Adventures of Letter Man" was narrated by Joan Rivers. Clearly, these people are not interchangeable. If you want to use Letter Man names, that's fine. No leg Jay can simply pull Letterman apart and put the tiles back into the Scrabble box and pull himself into the audience. Hoo-rah! Triple word score! Jay is tougher than Dave. And Jay hangs out with tougher people. Jay has this match won before Dave can say "Paul, you got any 'Getting my ass kicked' music?" Dispute that! Until then, pour aller a la autobus du fromage. JOHN: Hey, sunbeam: when prepared properly, fish and ovipositors make terrific intoxicants. But I guess they didn't teach you that at your fancy hippie school. (Kids: when you visit the new Planet Grudge(tm) theme restaurant, make sure to specify for reservations in the Thinkmaster Section. In Wentz' section, they just serve you kelp.) Nor, apparently, did they teach you logic. Sure, Jay Leno appeared briefly in World Championship Wrestling (recent heavyweight champion: David Arquette), but how much of the tremendous wrestling skill he acquired there do you think he'll retain without the use of legs? (Gimmick suggestion: Jay "the weeble" Leno). And I'm not sure what good hanging around with wrestlers will do when Dave brings forth PCP addicts like Crispin Glover. At least Dave will be able to run from the source of carnage. Furthermore, where is Jay going to learn profanity which will bother Dave in the slightest? I mean, the worst thing he says now is "gosh!" and "gee!" I know - he could talk to furious NBC executives regarding how they feel about giving the Tonight Show to Jay instead of Dave. He should be able to come up with several new and innovative vulgarities there! Dave is also clearly more innovative than Jay is. I mean, let's compare: Monkey-cam vs. Iron Jay. The 360 degree revolving show vs.... Iron Jay. Fire extinguisher races vs.... well, you know. Dave will be able to come up with many creative ways to out-smart Jay; he's the A-team of Late Night in more ways than one. Face it, Mark. Letterman kicks Leno's ass in the ratings all the time. Kicking his ass in the Grudge Arena is just a logical extension of this. Letterman gets the seat while Leno is given comp passes to the Pat Sajak comeback special. How ya like that, skippy? Sunbeam: I know you have no use for reality, but there are many fantastic ways to prepare kelp. Baked. Grilled. Smoothied. Raw. Yumm yumm good! And there are no bones to choke on! So send the kids to Thinkmaster's section. The adults will have some fine dining in the Wonderful World of Wentz. Thank you. Oh yes, I remember those wonderful shticks of Mr. Letterman. Like the one where he puts up a "We're #3" billboard celebrating his ratings rank: behind Jay Leno and some news program. Don't worry, though. Letterman was at LEAST a share ahead of a Dukes of Hazard rerun on some extended expanded excessive cable channel shown on over twelve percent of the markets. Stand proud, young Thinkmaster! Frankly, I believe David Arquette could kick Letterman's butt, too. And I'm pretty certain Leno has learned some colorful language at Sturgis. Bikers have been known to say foul things. And they have to say them loud over the Harleys racing by. He must have learned something. You're ALMOST correct about Letterman, though. Where the A-Team could turn any vehicle into a tank, Letterman can tank any comedic vehicle. Other than that, I don't really see the validity of your comparison. But, that wasn't the point, was it? You simply wanted to use the political trick of raising the audience's opinion of Letterman by associated him with something of integrity and wholesomeness. You also made up facts (like me being a hippie or French-loving). Let's not forget the name-calling. Oh, how about avoiding questions (like where you got the French-loving hippie material)? I'm surprised you didn't resort to kissing babies. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were Canada's answer to Al Gore. While I do know better, I would be ashamed to use such run-of-the-mill political tactics. So let's just get down to reality. Jay Leno is tougher than David Letterman. After he disposes of Letterman, Jay Leno will get the last seat in the audience. No matter what tricks you use to TRY to confuse the audience, one thing is certain: when the end of this match arrives, a defeated Letterman will once again utter, "I have to start going to rehearsals."
Thanks to Chris Denschikoff,
Mixmaster, and
Rena Rumple
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Related & Similar Matches
And now from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, Top 10 reasons Dave Letterman will defeat Jay Leno. 10. Being enraged about getting voted off the island will give Dave "edge." 9. Kung Fu masters Mujibur and Serajul have been training Dave. 8. Doctors installed a complimentary rocket launcher while doing the bypass surgery. 7. All that spraying for the West Nile virus has given Dave mutant superpowers. 6. How can Jay NOT take it on the chin? 5. The gap in Dave's teeth actually spits venom. 4. Dave knows the secret, "Who's that behind you?" technique. 3. Dave uses glare off of Paul Schaeffer's head to blind and disorient Jay. 2. EVERYONE knows you never bet against the tall gorky white guy from Indiana in a fight. 1. Two words: Tae Bo - Budo
As tensions rise, Dave calls out, "Help! Help! LETTERMAN!!!" From out of some weird-looking parking garage and over a waterfall, David's alter-ego/cousin/whatever-the-connection-is swoops into the studio. Quickly sizing up the situation, the superhero pulls a "p" off of his sweater, stretches it out to cover the "ch", and turns the "ch"air into a "p"air. Thus, both Dave and Jay have seats, and the problem is solved, right? Wrong. Remember those 350-mile trips to Grandma's when you had to sit next to your icky sister, and how the conflict would quickly escalate to the "Don't make me pull over!" stage or even the banished-to-the-back-of-the-station-wagon-with-the-dirty-laundry point? Well, that's what we're looking at here, except Dave and Jay have had decades more practice at not growing up. Separating them won't help either, as nobody else in the audience wants to put up with Dave's inevitably bitter wise-cracks. "Get your elbow off my armrest, Chin Boy!", snaps Dave. "It's my armrest, you defector!" carps Jay. I've earned it because your butt is leaking under the armrest onto my seat! Get yourself and your Worldwide Pants back on your own side! Oh, and where did you get tonight's gem of a necktie? It looks like something that's been chewed up and half-digested by a llama!" "I don't have to put up with this from you! Look what I brought for the show!" Dave announces as he pulls a dangerous device out of his knapsack and waves the VCR tape in the air. "Ol' Johnny was wondering what I've been up to besides my show since I left his network," Dave crows as Jay recoils, "so I brought a clip! I know how to use this!" "You're insane!" Jay cries as he flees, panic-stricken. And not alone, for this clip is of Dave's cameo in Chris Elliott's "Cabin Boy" (i.e. "When I return, I will be a cabin _man!_"), which is a big-enough bomb (gross: $3.7 M) to clear 90% of the studio. Except for the trampled injured and the half-dozen junior-high-school boys who remain, Letterman gets all the space he could want. - Matt Bricker
Each combatant displays
An orange-haired young fellow,
Yes, its our buddy Conan,
Max Weinberg is also there,
The "In The Year 2000" bits
So the Guy With Red Hair - Triumph the Wonder(monkey)Dog! Oh, and I love this match! It is so great! ...FOR ME TO POOP ON! ha ha ha! mua ha ha ha!
Back during Tigger vs Hobbes, anyone who stated that CBUB had already done the match up won a dream date (tm) with Devin. What do we get for mentioning that this match was already done by Celebrity Deathmatch(tm)? - Topcat Not as much, since unlike Deathmatch, CBUB is, you know, funny. It's kind of like if we stole an idea from Antiques Roadshow; it's not as damaging a revelation. I'll see if I can hook you up with lunch at Denny's plus a signed glossy of Devin. - John Leno wil win hands down for one reason and one reason only: HIS BIG FRIGGEN CHIN! Come on man, Has anyone ever seen a bigger chin in yout life...I know I haven't. This is how I see the match going.....Leno stands ready top fight....but Letterman will be too busy BS'ing with Paul doing a top ten list of ways that Jay Leno will die (with # 1 being crushed under the weight of his hair, which will generate no laughter) All Jay has too do is squish Paul and David with his chin to win - Dane "the new prodigy" The fight will be over before it even started..... why? 1) Dave is still upset that Jay took the spot he wanted on the Tonight Show,years of being reminded of how he could have Johnny's successor have turned him into an angry, rage filled killing machine. 2) Dave kicked Chevy Chase's butt off of late night television, into oblivion where he belongs. 3) Has more talk show host experience than Jay. 4) Hosted the Oscars once, I seriously doubt that they will be asking Jay to host the show anytime soon. 5) Jay has Edd Hall for a sidekick (?), while Dave has Paul Schaffer, who after this match will drag Edd's butt into a alley and beat the living crap out of him. Finally.... 6) Dave has had a major operation, and came back meaner, funnier, and madder than ever. With any luck, he will make Jay into a pinata afterwards. - McBain 2000 Ed McMahon comes and kicks both their butts with a mighty YE-ES(tm)!! - YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR(tm)!!!! Why does Jay Leno win? Besides being the successor to Johnny Carson, he's got a few other things going for him: 1) Edd Hall. That annoying voice can out-grate Paul Schaefer and occupy Dave while Leno demonstrates Point 2. 2) Leno wrestled in '98. He and DDP beat Eric Bischoff and Hollywood Hogan in Sturgis, SD. 3) Kevin Eubanks. The leader of the Tonight Show Band is at least 50x cooler than Pauly. He's also the guy that laid out Easy E at Sturgis with the Diamond Cutter. 4) He's chummy with Diamond Dallas Page. Should the going get tough, Jay signals for the Diamond Cutter, and out of the crowd comes DDP to BANG!!! Letterman with the 3/4 facelock bulldog known as the Diamond Cutter. Either that, or "Positively" Kanyon pops up and lays out both contestants. 5) Smitty. 'Nuff said. D-kun will come back for the next Grudge Match to give his next response. - D-kun is going to get 2 in a row, or bad things will happen to certain maintainers... Letterman survived both a massive heart attack and Madonna. To him, Jay ain't shit. To me, Dave's the man. - Demonicuss Hahaha. I know how this match is going to turn out. That reminds me, does anyone have a pair of matches I can borrow, I left mine in my car. And I can't find my keys to my car. I'd break one of the side windows ordinarily but it's bad enough that the front windshield is gone too. Have you ever noticed that glass breaks a lot more when you hit it with a crowbar. I wonder who ever invented a crowbar. It was probably some guy who just shoved a bar of metal into a forge and decided to name whatever it was that came out of it. I wonder why we drink cow's milk. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "you know what, I think I'll drink whatever comes out of this animal?" Animals are fun, except for my dog. I keep him locked in my cellar, I swear he is the meanest dog anyone has ever seen. He spends all night barking. That makes you wonder why dog's are considered man's best friend. Since when do we consider something that sniff's it's croutch, burys things, slobbers all over people, and chases small pieces of wood to be "man's best friend"? Did I just answer my own question? You know that reminds of that one show, Jeopordy. I think I am going to go watch that right now. Then maybe I'll sit down and watch Letterman. (Ladies and gentlemen, if that is the kind of person watching Leno, is there any further doubt about who should win this match?) - The very Incoherent Person A most interesting matchup, but the winner is obvious - Letterman. Here are the reasons: Education: As Jay Leno has mentioned himself, his academic career was extremely lackluster at best. Partly due to his dyslexia and partly due to his being a troublemaker (he once turned a classroom orrery - a solar system model - into a roulette wheel), he barely managed to squeak through school and had to grovel and beg just to be let into an institution of higher learning. Letterman, on the other hand, enjoyed a more normal and conventional academic career. In this area, Letterman wins hands down. Originality: Over his many years on television, Letterman has done many sketches and gags. Some, like the Top 10 List and Stupid Pet Tricks have become part of the popular culture. Some have done less well, and some have bombed. But the key point here is that Letterman tries new and original things. However, Jay Leno does the opposite. Ever notice how "Mr. Brain", "Beyondo", and "Iron Jay" are all really the same bit with only different video effects? Total lack of original ideas. Even his signature bit, "Headlines" isn't that great. I liked it better the first time I saw it - back on "Real People" when Sarah Purcell did it (and did a better job with it, I might add). Even his "Jaywalking" bit seems to have come from a sketch I heard on a radio show. So there you have Jay, Mr. Un-originality, whose best bit was one he stole from "Real People". Jay loses this point too. Background: Jay Leno's background is that of a so-so standup comedian of no particular merit. However, Letterman is much different. When he decided he wanted to host a television show, he studied the greatest and most creative talent to have graced the medium - a man who, even nearly 40 years after his death, has never been equalled. I refer, of course, to the great *Ernie Kovacs*, a man Jay Leno is not worthy of even thinking about. True, Letterman's work is only a pale shadow of Kovacs', but it is a pale shadow of the greatest master of TV comedy. Jay Leno on the other hand is only a master of average standup comedy. No contest here. Letterman towers over Leno in this category. So, from the above, we see that Jay has no chance of getting that seat. Maybe Carson might take pity on this loser and let him sit on a milk crate in the back of the auditorium while Letterman is enjoying the show. - The Demented Astronomer Jay does have more connections. He did snatch/earn the *Tonight Show,* and he has even held on to it despite having a rep for questionable humor--he regularly gets laughs from jokes about his jokes not being funny. Letterman didn't even stay in Burbank. I believe the objections to Jay's niceness and creativity (or lack thereof) are baseless. Jay Leno is a master of telling dirty jokes without using dirty words: double entendres are far more creative than simple swearing. Dave's show is TV-PG, and his humor can be boring if you aren't already clued in. Jay's show is TV-14; he's often hair-raising when he isn't funny, but he is *never* simply boring. I gotta go. It's Monday nite--time for Headlines! - ArtlessDodger A great many otherwise valueable insights (like the fact that Letterman has teeth like a beaver, or the fact that Leno has a chin the size and shape of a cello) are rendered irrelevent(tm)(ala borg) by Jay Leno's greatest power, Headlines!(tm) He hits lettermen with FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE and SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM and the classic PEANUT BUTTER TRUCK GETS STUCK ON BRIDGE not to mention classifieds selling used diapers. He then primes his teams of writers (what you thought those came from real newspapers?) and brings out headlines about Letterman! David attempts to retalliate with his pathetic Top Ten(tm), but by then it's too late, and Jay has his front row seat. - Antidisestablishmentairianism (Your chin is irrelevent. You will be assimilated...) The most idealistic solution is too have a BBQ-ed Loch Ness or similar monster Kill and Mangle(TM) the too, it happened on CD. But let's be realistic. You guys NEVER(Well, usually never) let the Both Killed and Mangled(TM) button appear. So I'll vote for Letterman, since Swat Kats have a character based upon him(David Litterbin) in their cartoons. What can I say? I love Swat Kats. Coolest cartoon this side of Cartoon Network(TM). NOW you know what the Kat in Katrover means. - Katrover Swatroad While Dave and Jay duke it out for a seat, there is a strange sci-fi-ish sound as the last three seats are taken by the TRUE kings of late night talk...
After Space Ghost, Zorak, and Moltar inviso in, security escorts Leno and Letterman off the premises and the tabloids have a field day. All that and Johnny joins the Coast to Coast crew for an evening of Mexican food at the Taco Barn after the show. - Noel Schornhorst Letterman and Leno are no match for Conan O'Brien...O'Brien has his trusty sidekick Triumph the sockpuppet dog, who has stood up to the legal wrath of Pets.com...Letterman and Leno are only fit to be urinated on by Triumph... I cast my vote for the "All Mangled, Killed and Urinated On" Option - MadCat (Long Live Triumph) the Maniac John,John,John...my boy,you clearly underestimate Jay's innovativeness. He has come up with FAR more than just Iron Jay. Let's take it from the top,shall we? Iron Jay,Mr. Brain,Novel Writing ("She walked into the bar,looking for love." "It turned out that she was the new White House intern,and needed directions to the place."),Jaywalking ("In what year was the Declaration of Independence signed?" "Uhh....Texas?"),and let's not forget Headlines,shall we? ("Here's one: Economy will be good,unless it gets bad. Okay...Children to eat pizza with Pooh. Now everyone's favorite part,weddings. There's the Bender-Ouveur wedding,the Wilder-Willy wedding..."). Hell,Jaywalking alone produced at least one spin-off (they sent a woman they met on Jaywalking to get hugs from the Presidential candidates,then later sent her to the Cannes Film Festival/Victoria's Secret Show). And that doesn't even include the one-time stuff that he does like Celebrity License Plates (Robert Downy,Jr.: MADE BY ME). What is Dave's best possible response? "May we turn the hose on you please?" What the hell is that?! That sounds like something you'd say to people screwing in the streets,not a comedy routine! - CaptSheridan I am from Indiana. David Letterman is from Indiana. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. I like Leno. - Corfy I watched Letterman once sick a dobberman at the Energizer Bunny, then attacked the bunny with a baseball bat. Fuck Leno! - FreakyFreaky As a former South Dakotan I am legally required to vote for whichever candidate can be associated with the Mt. Rushmore State. Letterman probably doesn't even know what Sturgis IS let alone how to get there. And I expect that one night at the Buffalo Chip would leave Dave a quivering mass of jelly. Besides, Leno has The Chin(TM) which is of Rushmorian proportions. - Hatter (Hells Angels survivor) This fight is summed up in one word: Campaign 2000. *play Campaign 2000 music* Alan: "Campaign 2000 is brought to you by Crystal Clear Party Ice! It's not a party without party ice, and it's not Crystal Clear Party Ice, unless it's crystal clear! Have you ever been to a party where you were JAY LENO?" Leno: "Yes I have!" Alan: "How did that make you feel?" Leno: "Like I was the be---" Alan: "Like a LOSER! Crystal Clear Party Ice is really, REALLY clear! And it comes in a bag! Not only that, it is useful for tending to hundreds of bruises and broken bones when you are Leno the Loser in a fight with David Letterman! MEOW!" Leno: "Hey, what do you *various comedic yet painful sounds* ....ouch." *End Campaign 2000 music* And yes, I do know that Campaign 2000 is two words. - BlackLeader Leno, fresh from his appearance on South Park, says, "Let's rochambeaux for it," kicks Letterman in the 'nads, and takes his rightful seat. - Bozo the Clone What? I can't believe this is a contest. Letterman got a personal *ahem* "birthday dance" from Drew Barrymore, while the best Leno can do is make vaguely sexual comments to his bald sidekick. - ~ Gabe Leno has only one disadvantage: that freakish chins. Leno's problems will start when he can't reach around it. This will obviously come down to a slug fest, and when Leno's hittin' himself in the face, Letterman will be throwin' punches and punchlines at it. Letterman will ultimately triumph. - Will, an expert of such things Ya see, guys, it all comes down to this: We have left out a dark horse in this match. The one person that could make the difference in the way the battle is fought... that person is dependent on Jay Leno to further his career... that person is Conan O'Brien. When Conan first started, nobody even knew who he was. Now, there is hardly anyone who doesn't. Was it because of his comedy? Not bloody likely. Was it because of Andy Richter? Well, that's a possibility. Was it Max Weinberg? Doubtful. His success depended solely on Jay Leno. Why? The all-important timeslot. Yes, Conan came on after Jay, the number one late night host in the biz. And so, his ratings went up by default (especially after Tom Snyder got in there on CBS... that was a ratings killer right there). And throughout his 5 or so years on NBC, O'Brien came into his own with the help of his sidekick, Andy Richter, who made his show funny. But now, Andy's gone. Andy doesn't work there anymore. Conan's show just ins't as funny. So, Conan must rely on his old buddy Jay with the timeslot to help him out. If Leno doesn't make it out alive, not only the Tonight Show is doomed, but Late Night with Conan O'Brien will quickly hit the trash bin. When you know your show is inches away from cancellation, the RAGE(tm) fills up inside. You will do anything to protect your show. Conan enters the fray, and brings all his friends along: the Masturbating Bear, the Ostrich, Bill Clinton, Dr. Ruth, and yes, even Andy Richter will be there in a final show of support for his favorite late night host (and former meal ticket) Jay Leno. Letterman is going down faster than a Tijuana crack whore. And, since I see that profanity=posting space, shit ass fuck damn crap. That should do it. - Kopper fucking Golyathe, still pissed about Andy ultimately, the page decides who goes in. and this is how the Commentary(tm) ended: "Jeepers, John, just which jovial jabberwocky will jaunt to see the Johnny jamboree: the jumbo-jawed Jay from L. A. or New York's jaded joke-jockey?". what does the page see? millions of J's. so, if he were to pick out one at random, Jay would go in. BUT (and as one of my High School Teacher(tm) said, BUT IS A VERY BAD WORD) the page is undoubtedly american, and you americans, who have been brought up in a world of multiple choices (in life and in exams), "know" that when faced with such a choice, you "must" eliminate the choices that resemble each other, and since j is apparently similar to jay, the OBVIOUS CHOICE(tm) is letterman. - nepali babu ajaya panday As much as I have always thought that both of these "characters" were grey-suited mooks, there is one thing that suggests that Letterman has the edge. Paul Schaffer. You see, if Letterman can have top billing over him, and Schaffer is deadlier than Leno, then it follows that Letterman a much deadlier person than Jay Leno. As to why Paul Schaffer is deadlier than Leno, there are many reasons, which include between none and all of the following: 1 - Anyone with the first name "Paul" is marked for greatness. Be it apostles, Grand Poobahs (tm) or hardchaw francophones, we're all at the upper end of humanity. Only a secret plot, which I shall allude to later, keeps us from total domination. 2 - Schaffer worked for Disney. In Hollywood terms, this is the equivalent of the most dangerous special forces-type training in the world. No culture is immune to the all-rape (neologism, tm) of mass media - and Disney is all-pervading, even compared to Jay Leno. 3 - Leno is on Pay-Per-View where I come from (a secret government research facility where those tested for greatness are held...), and Letterman isn't. I don't like the idea of paying more than once for a television licence. Thumbs down, Jay. - The Nestbeschmutzer Top Ten reasons Letterman will crush Leno
10. Leno wrestled, true enough,
but he is basically harmless unless he performs his dreaded finisher, The
Atomic Top Rope Chin Splash(tm), but most TV studios don't have top ropes. So there you have it. Letterman, hands down. (Gee...I wonder if anyone else used the "Top Ten" premise...) - Moe Hawk (Magic 8-ball!) As much as I and every cynical, living, breathing Grudge Match fan want to vote for Letterman... the case in the above argument is definately tilted in favor of Leno. There is one reason, however, Letterman will win. Bandleader loyalty. How many bandleaders did Johnny have? 1. The good Doc Severenson. How many bandleaders did Dave have? 1. Totally Paully Shaffer. How many bandleaders did Jay Leno have? 3 bajillion. That's why you can't hum his theme song. Fan Loyalty is made or lost with the theme song. Damn the ratings. - Hurricane Andrew I'm sorry, but I can't vote for either of these contenders...their lame brand of bland watered down stale whitebread comedy is why I swore off T.V. in the first place...(No wait...the reason I swore off TV was because the WB decided to put 6 hours of Pokemon on Saturday mornings)...aw hell. Anyway's I think you're forgetting the real competition...namely ABC and Fox...ok Fox. Lets face it people, Late shows were a product of a Plesantville type age where no one told dirty jokes, babies came from cabbage patches and storks, and everyone generally subscribed to a Mayberry ideology of life. Fast forward to the 21st century...No one wants to see old gray haired hasbens take thinly veiled pot shots at inept leaders with tired ass jokes (come on letterman....French Fry and Lewensky jokes are old as hell now)...NO! They want to see new and exciting entertainment, such as Fox's..."When Cops Attack Part VI, Worlds Funniest PreMeditated Accidents, And When Vacetomies Go Wrong" Way I see it...While these two losers are battilng it out to see who's lamer...Fox moves televised executions to 11/10 central, and follows up with 3 hours of network nudity. After faltering ratings from both parties...Letterman and Leno are selected (Running Man Style) to be guests on the Executioner's Song along with Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura. One by one all of them mistake "Old Sparky" for the Guest Chair, and Fox gets a 10 share in the ratings. - Providing a valuable service...ridding the world of sucky ass heroes... I'm writing in Conan O'Brien. He had Mr. T on yesterday. - Kilgore Trout How about all maimed and killed...by Johnny Carson? I'd pay to see that. - Boba Foot There's no way Letterman can beat Leno solo. The man is a brisk walk away from a heart-attack as it is, and any major scuffling is going to end with a 'copter whisking him off to ER. The only possible way for the gaptooth to beat lanternjaw is if he's brought along his tough-as-nails mother. Her old-country heritage and no-nonsense attitude will have Leno cowering in the corner protecting his ears from her sharp tounge and pinching fingers in 3 seconds flat. - Tirdun Are you kidding? Its Letterman, no contest. Sure Jay has the Chin thing going for him, but he is so PC that he won't be able to lay there and call his lawyers after Dave beats him down. Did you SEE last night's show (7/28/00)? Dave got Kathy Lee to come on and make fun of herself on the top ten list, and Connie Chung came back despite being mad at him from the last time, same as Madonna. Why? Because he is truly the king of Late Night, and they know it. And that brings up Dave's strongest point, all the good looking babes that visit the place. Lets not forget Gwen Steffani dancing on the desk. Don't get me wrong, Jay's funny, but Dave is Hardcore all the way. And we all know that ECW beats those WCW buddies of Jay's no sweat. Besides, if Dave gets in a bind, he just fakes a heart attack and while Jay is distracted Paul will stab him in the back with a drumstick... Paul Schaeffer, ladies and gentlemen. - Greyhawke {Deep sigh} Write-in vote for Conan O'Brien... - Evan D. Leno wins. I just sold Letterman a bag, he's out back "getting ready" for the show. Hey, what's up with the "Sedate Vlad" fund? I think I can help... - Quasimojo (Insert line about having too much free time) Yeah, Jay Leno was a wrestler. Let's look at those who fought in his match: Diamond Dallas Page (his partner): Not bad, but now that Positively Kanyon has stolen all the fun parts of his gimmick, DDP is useless. Eric Bischoff (opponent): Sure he came up with the nWo and thought that cruiserweight matches would be cool to show, but then again he's the guy responsible for keeping the next guy around so much... Hulk Hogan (opponent): He is a vaccuum of all that sucks. Yeah, sure he "made" wrestling what it is, but his lingering over the past 3 years has started to ruin it. I mean, Hogan is one of the reasons the Wrestlers lost to the Boxers. Who was the guy who thought "I'll put together 6 of the most worthless wrestlers and they'll take out the team of the best boxers in no time!" If the Wrestler team was Foley, Benoit, Jeff Hardy, La Parka, Chilly Willy, and Kurt Angle then the Boxers wouldn't have a chance. But I'm getting off topic aren't I? But let's look at Letterman. Earlier this year when he came back from his heart attacks, a clip was shown from WWF Smackdown. It was Cactus Jack holding a mic in the middle of the ring. After explaining Letterman's problem, he exclaimed "Daddy! Please come home!" Letterman is the only one with sperm strong enough to create the ever- durable Mick "Mankind/Cactus Jack/Dude Love" Foley. Leno is going down! - Gavok Whether Dave beats Jay or Jay beats Dave doesnt really matter. Either way, it'll create an instant late-night-talkshow vacuum, which must be filled immediately by someone with years of experience. And that means the real winner will be Arsenio Hall. And *that* means the real loser will be the American viewing public. - JediClone Dave has the RAGE(tm) (crappy, zonked out guests), Dave is without mercy (remember Stevie Nicks?),Dave has superpowers (dropping things off of tall buildings, sticking to a velcro wall) Dave is NY (vs La La Land) and as they say, you want to stay away from the kids who know all the cops by name. All this is important, but.... Dave saw Drew Barrymore's boobies. Live, in person, on national TV and willingly handed up. Dave is my hero. - Darth Brooks - Now if Britney Spears would just come over to my house and do the same damn thing, we'd all be happy. Like Bob Eucker, Jay must be in the front row. I know what you're thinking, all you silly booger-eaters voting for David Letterman. You're thinking "All Dave has to do is tell Alan Kalter that Jay said something nasty about him and Alan will go punch Jay out. Plus, he's got the Feds on his side because he sucked up to Hillary so badly when she was on his show." Right? Wrong! All Jay has to do is call in his secret cadre of bodyguards who've been with him since the days of the O.J. trial: The Dancing Itos! The Clintonistas will then be a non-factor, since the thing they fear most at this point in their lives are criminal court judges. As for Kalter, he's already got at least one of the qualifications for being a redheaded stepchild. The Itos will show him a new meaning for "gavel-to-gavel coverage." That brings us back to Jay vs. Dave mano-a-mano...Jay could take Dave using only his deadly chin, which is feared by all who have wisdom. Letterman is crushed in 10 seconds, 2 seconds longer than it should have taken because of the distracting glare off the head of bystander Paul Shaffer. - Mr. Silverback- Has appeared with his owner on Stupid Pet Tricks. Several additional factors that have been overlooked so far are worthy of consideration. Since I have almost no life whatsoever, I will, briefly, consider them for you: 1.) The conflict may not necessarily result in a fight. If it remained on a verbal-assault level for more than, say, two minutes, victory would be Letterman's. Leno's just a big dumb puppet suckling on his (bad) writers but Letterman has a razor-sharp wit of his own. Even Letterman's senseless throwaway lines like "Uhh, got any gum?"(TM) are so far out of Leno's mental capacity poor Jay would curl up into the fetal position and wet his pants. 2.) Letterman just returned from major surgery, which should slow him down somewhat should a fight erupt. I still have faith in his unrestrained bad-assedness, however. Jay would hulk around clumsily, his balance offset by the size of his chin, and pause every few moments to smile endearingly (a reflex from years of trying to get audiences to laugh at jokes that aren't funny). Dave has that lean, hungry look Shakespeare warned us about, as well as those lethal buckteeth and arms toned and conditioned from years of hurling small novelty items into the audience. Finally... 3.) According to the Bible, Late-Night hosts are only as good as their sidekicks, and their sidekicks are omnipresent. With that in mind, I'll leave you with this final chillingly concise question: Who's cooler, Leno's generic flunkie or Paul "Dr. Bad Ass" Shaffer? I say Letterman by TKO within three minutes. Cheers! - Mark Dziak Why didn't I vote for Leno? Well, I consulted my own Grudge Guide(TM) and it says 'Don't vote for people you don't know and who look like a twit'. Good advice. Why did I vote for Letterman? Well, I like him and the mention of that old show 'The Electric Company' sent me into Nostalgia Mode(TM). I miss that show. Now I'm starting to scare myself - I'm outta here! - Nicky Lewer Letterman's show is on CBS. Leno's show is on NBC. NBC has the one and only Saturday Night Live. CBS has "The Howard Stern Show". I think it's obvious who's better. "Got any gum?" Letterman is a loser. The only thing bad about Leno is that he's a liberal. But I guess everyone in showbusiness is. - Noman All I see is Conan O'Brien Jumping from a rooftop with knife in hand stabbing Leno and Letterman in the throats. But then a shadowy figure in a alley snaps O'brien's neck, none other than Conan's arch nemesis the Taco Bell dog. Hungry for revenge. - Futile (Resistance is and always will be huh...get away, no it's...it's the Taco Bell dog ahhhhhhh ackkkkkkkkkkk!!! HELPPPPPP!!!!) As obvious as it is, the truth is that Jay's chin will be the deciding factor. No, it's not the usual "He hits Letterman with it" or some such garbage. No, something much more sinister is at work here... We bring you THE ORIGIN OF JAY LENO!!! Years ago, Jay was a normal nightclub comic. He was mild mannered, unsuccessful and he had a normal sized chin! Yes! But all that changed one dark night when Jay was riding his motorcycle home from a show. The roads were slippery, he wasn't paying attention and he hit a bump in the road. Jay went flying and landed on the side of the road. In the collision, he cracked his chin wide open on a rock. As Jay lay bleeding on the ground a mysterious shadow appeared. Helen Kushnick and her band of evil moustache twirling henchman happened upon the broken and bruised Leno. Helen gazed down at Jay. "Hmm... what's this? A nightclub comic? Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so, but hasn't the world had enough of Tony Danza in a sitcom?" Her dimwitted henchman responded. "No, you fool! This struggling hack could be just my ticket to fame! If I were to become his manager, I could control what he did, thought and said! He'll become famous and I will be pulling the strings! And then, years from now, I'll get him a job on TV... on The Tonight Show! A show that millions upon millions watch will be under my power! I'll then be able to control their minds and thus, the world!" Helen said while breaking into diabolical laughter. "But look at him! He's got a smashed chin!" Her henchman pointed out. But Helen simply smiled. "We can rebuild it. Stronger... faster... we have the technology..." And so she did. With his new bionic chin and his evil manager, Jay was unstoppable. Eventually Jay did rise to the position of the tonight show host, but it was there that Helen's plan fell apart. Jay learned from his evil manager. Too well. The monster turned against Dr. Frankenstein and Jay disposed of Helen. With her evil teachings and his bionic chin, no one can stop Jay. The second Letterman tries anything that risks damaging Jay and his plans, Jay's chin will open and reveal the kind of weaponry that six million dollars can buy. Iron Jay indeed... - Dope on a Rope I don't like either of them, but if Leno can't take care of a guy who just had major surgery he's even more of a wimp than I thought. - Joel Mathis Conan O'Brian will come by and kick both their asses due to his Simpsons connections. Not only was he a special guest star once, but he used to write for it before he had his own show. This will let him take the fight. If, for some odd reason, he doesn't show up, Dave will easily beat that loser Jay. - Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader Dave's Company is World Wide Pants Inc. All Dave need do is remove his "weapon" from said pants. Then he will proceed to he bitch-man slap Jay back to Improve at the Apollo! - The Freshmaker Letterman will win. Dave's two minions, Craig Kilborn and Tom Snyder, will do his bidding and give him a Worldwide Pants(tm) kicking that he won't soon forget. Once Dave finds his seat, he is treated to the following: Carnac: "I now hold, in my hand, the last envelope." (Audience - including Letterman - erupts with applause.) Carnac: "May you be hunted down by the Zsa Zsa Gabor Jihad (there might be a Jihad)." Carnac (placing envelope to left temple): "St. Augustine, Atomic Dog and the Chevy Chase Show." Ed: "St. Augustine, Atomic Dog and the Chevy..." Carnac (his lips pursed and brow furled): "Oooooh, may you receive career advice from Shelly Long." Ed: "HA HA HA!" Carnac: "St. Augustine, Atomic Dog and the Chevy Chase Show." Carnac (opening envelope): "Name a monk, some funk and a big piece of junk." - Capital J In the grand Grudge tradition this match hinges on sidekicks. Kevin vs Andy. Obviously kevin will open a six pack of whoop ass on Chris Farley's long lost brother Andy. Letterman will have another heart attack when he witnesses the humiliation of his number two at the hands of a pot smoking vegitarian. While the EMTs work on Letterman Leno takes the last seat only to be overcome by the alcohol fumes from Ed McMann's breath. - Claymore "Jeepers, John, just which jovial jabberwocky will jaunt to see the Johnny jamboree: the jumbo-jawed Jay from L. A. or New York's jaded joke-jockey?" What the hell were you guys smoking when you wrote this, where can I get a pound, and was it ever used to "Sedate Vlad (TM)"? - Peanuts"Writing in a vote for Jon Stewart"Pat Honestly, I say who cares? I sure don't. But seeing as I want to get posted I'll go with the trusty "I-Vote-For-Similar-Third-Combatant" response. I say Tom Green walks past the fighting talk show hosts and takes the seat for himself. Of course, Tom will invariably do something stupid and Johnny Carson will have him thrown out. What a moron. So as Letterman and Leno continue to fight, Howard Stern goes up and takes his spot. And then Howard Stern will be thrown out by security because he won't shut up and stop make rude comments and belching. So I guess the seat then goes to, I don't know, Regis Philbin. Except Regis won't shut up either, and because he's so annoying he causes a somewhat large disturbance in the audience, and he gets himself thrown out. And his seat won't be filled again because at this point Johnny Carson gives up and shuts the whole show down. God dammit. - My name is Kenny What a no-brainer! Letterman: Pentacostal by-pass. Nursed along by Johnny. Second for this duel: Hillary (I wondere if she's going to shave ... well,down there again, then spread-em while she says, "No more Bush") Leno: On his show, he actually runs down to the street ... without assistance. Healthy as an Italian. Built like a brick johnny-o. He got his show all by himself, didn't need to be obsequious to some bank-rolling mentor. Seconded by: Dennis Rodman, dressed in his favorite girly-suit, wearing those razor blades dangling from his ear lobes. Duh. Leno with both hands tied behind his back. - Salt man Citizens of the Grudge! Be warned, Brendan W. Guy is out for world domination! An open letter to Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee I have been a fan of the WWWF since the fabled "rottweiler vs. a rottweiler's weight in chihuahuas" match. I did not start sending in commentaries until recently, but I have been around the fights long enough to watch your hatred for Brendan W. Guy grow to epic proportions. While I do not yet share your hatred for Brendan W. Guy, I am a free man, and I will never be ruled by ANYONE. My proposal is simple. I wish to join forces with you in your war. Together, my friend, we can crush Brendan until he is reduced to a quivering pile of fear. But if we do not act soon...I shudder to think of a world ruled by BWG. Will you sit idly by as his legions grow? Who knows what he is capable of...he has followers who we all know but who will remain nameless here (you know who you are...and your days are numbered), perhaps many more have secretly sworn allegiance to him. I am confident that if you and I combine our forces, work in total secrecy and perform devastating "blitzkreig"-style tactical strikes, we have a shot at total domination. (If we could just enlist the help of Mr. Silverback, there would be no stopping us...but this matter is of little importance right now. If you join me, our numbers will grow in time. Eventually, when our forces are legion, we will issue a declaration of "Join or Be Conquered", and BWG's fate will be sealed.) My offer stands until 9/01/00, at which time I will carry on alone in my quest to rid the grudge of that "Brendan W." Guy. If you are unsure as to whether or not you need my help, I offer you this, from the "commentator biographies" page... Brendan W. Guy - Possessing the same brilliance, ruthless ambition, and sexual orientation of the likes of Alexander and Julius Caesar, Brendan has long known it is his inevitable destiny to be the all powerful ruler of the world. For the moment though he is content to merely study history and political science at Texas A&M, fully knowing that his physical, mental, moral and genetic superiority over everyone else on the planet guarantees his eventual triumph. I will NEVER bow down before the likes of BWG! I suggest we start an Anti-Brendan W. Guy Jihad (there is no Jihad). We need a snappy name, but we can worry about that later. Secrecy is of the utmost importance, we can discuss what sorts of *ahem* "deeds" our cabal will perform at a later date...Devin, if we unite, WE could destroy BWG before anyone even knows what happened. Our nemesis is in for a huge surprise. Together, there will be no end to the destruction wrought on Brendan W. Guy. This correspondence may prove to be the most important and revolutionary document in the history of Earth. A similar message has been sent to "devinthepsycho@hotmail.com", there you will find my identity and an email address at which you can reach me. Obviously, we must act quickly, as BWG is now aware of my intentions. BRENDAN W. GUY, YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU RAT BASTARD! We will fight you to the last man. The WWWF is free and will forever be. Citizens of the WWWF!!! Every man dies, not every man truly lives. Will you live on your knees, OR WILL YOU DIE ON YOUR FEET? FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!! Oh, uh, Letterman in a rout. - anonymous, leader of the Masters Of Espionage Hindering A Would-be King Letterman should get WRECKED almost as bad as those thugs who robbed Mr T's moma Most powerful enemy Defeated:This guy took on Hulk Hogan. Though pro wrestlers did looser there match they are still a formidible force. I doubt if Letterman could beat the Mountie or "The Model" let alone wrasslins' pre-crisis Superman If Leno can overpower the Real Truth and the 24-inch pythons...then what can Letterman do when Leno and his chin run wild on him? Then theres the Chin factor:Face it theres only one guy with a chin that big...THE TICK! A previous WWWF winner. That should help. RAGE: Uh...LEno has the RAGE(Tm). So there. Letterman is a hoe and Leno is his pimp. However all of this is mout because of the Demento factor. I have been on the losing side of every Grudgematch since the Boxers. With my vote cast for Leno is sure to be smacked like a bee-atch. Letterman and his top ten list come out victourus due to my rooting for Leno. And besides Letter-dude as hes known by Beavis and Butthead is from New York. He may have experience battling against those Albino aligators which may come in handy. Coem to think of it...why haven't those mutant Alligators taken the city of New York yet? Obviously it is because Letter-dude has kept them in check with the power of his Top Ten lists! Sorry...but I felt like being on the winning team for once in my pathetic life. - Captain Demento. Unemployed weirdo living off his lover/Social Worker Julie W and the Government Leno...Letterman...peh! I just moved to Japan, and you should see the talk shows here! They all seem to involve women in bikinis...jumping contests, pushup contests (shot from below through a glass floor), guess what animal is crawling on your head...the list goes on and on. Then, a panel of guests discuss with the host what just occurred. Dave and Jay have nothing on that! And somebody please make sure that Arsenio `triangle-head` Hall stays the hell off TV. Thank you for your dysfunction. - 1/2 Nelson - Japanese spacebars are tiny as hell! Strange that I find myself looking for either the 'Jack Parr' or 'Both maimed, killed and replaced with someone of talent' button. - bullseye I'm trying to do the rock-paper-scissors technique to win. I forget, does front-teeth gap beat giant protruding chin? - Coleen's Bra. Big chin=glass jaw. 'Nuff said. - Cody Ackbare This match boils down to a matter of attitude. While Letterman may have the more cutting reputation, history shows he doesn't really have the killer instinct that victory in this fight will require. Remember the O.J. case? {Endures shrieks of tortured souls who had finally managed to forget it.} Anyway, in the midst of this pop-culture tornado, Letterman showed some class and refused to do jokes about it. What did Jay Leno do? Bring out the Judge Ito Dancers, and show taste out the back door. Naturally, it worked, leapfrogging Leno over Letterman in the neverending ratings war. When it comes to nasty infighting, Dave's heart just isn't in it. (And since you've probably gotten about 800 bypass surgery responsess by now, I won't make the obvious follow-up.) And don't underestimate the Helen Kushnick factor. Kathy Bates had to take her patented Crazy Woman acting up a notch from its Misery level to portray Kushnick in The Late Shift -- and still underplayed the role! If Leno could endure this for years, he could enduree anything from being the Unabomber's favorite pen pal to being a Southern Baptist living in Greenwich Village. He was a survivor long before CBS stamped its ™ on that word. Come on down, Jay, and have a seat. - Call me Shane
Normally I base who I vote for off of which commentator I like better, and now you've got a Canadian vs. a French guy. You bastards. - Keith, confused Emperor of Penguins
Um, Emperor, as it stands, I've been accused of loving the French, not
being French. FYI. -Mark (Wentz: French for "I ain't French")
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