Doug Llewellyn: Welcome to the People's Court. Today, we have the case of the Homicidal Heisman Hero. The defendant is now entering the courtroom. Let's watch.
Rusty: Everyone rise for the honorable J. Q. Wapner.
Wapner: Please be seated. (To Marcia Clark) I see that you are charging the defendant with two counts of first degree murder.
Marcia: As you can see by the contents of this folder (hands manila folder to Rusty), we have many pieces of evidence linking the defendant to the murder scene. We have genetically linked the blood of the defendant to the blood of the killer at the crime scene, as well as blood of the victims found at the defendant's estate. We have a Bloody Glove (TM) which was found at the defendant's estate. A new pair of identical gloves fit the defendant perfectly. In addition, the defendant's current alibis conflict with those given at his arrest. The defendant also demonstrated his guilt by leading police on a low speed chase in a White Bronco (TM).
Wapner: That is very convincing evidence. How does the defendant respond?
Cochran: First of all, these accusations are the most preposterous, unfounded, and racially motivated that I've heard in all my years as a lawyer. Second, we can discount all this evidence as we have these tapes made of one of the detectives....
Wapner: Wait! What's all this about tapes? I didn't ask anything about tapes. Do you have these tapes with you?
Cochran: Well, er, no sir. But....
Wapner: Thank you, that's enough Mr. Cochran. (To Marcia Clark): You've built a very solid case, Ms. Clark, which has not been disproven by the defense. Now, you mentioned these new gloves which were identical to the ones at the crime scene. Do you have a receipt for these gloves?
Marcia: Well, er, no sir. But.....
Wapner: Thank you. I'll be back with my decision in a few minutes.
On the way out, Doug Llewellyn will speak to both parties. OJ, will of course, be triumphant, and will be doing his end-zone dance for the camera. He'll high-five Doug and walk away a free man. Marcia, on the other hand, will talk to Doug, and explain it thusly: "I knew I should have gotten my hair redone for this trial." Of course, Rusty won't mind that she didn't have her hair redone. After the taping, Rusty will ask her out, and they will live happily ever after.
BRIAN: GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!!! This is a complete no brainer. Let's look at this systematically: 1.) We all know that O.J. is guilty. 2.) Judge Wapner is never wrong!!! End of story; wrap it up; game over; start fittin' O.J. for head electrodes. 'Ol Wapner brings the hammer down on the "Homicidal Heisman Hero" and gives him 20 years hard labor in the recently re-opened Alcatraz. After the 20, O.J. gets the chair. Now that's tough. Also, let's look at the transcripts: the Defense didn't even get a chance to speak (Thank God)! Marcia & Co. threw so much evidence at 'em, and we all know how much Wapner loves evidence, that the ONLY reason the Judge is retiring to his chambers is to allow for commercial time. True, the Prosecution had a major slip-up with not having the receipt for the gloves, but they've still got the DNA links and the White Bronco (tm) Fiasco (c).
My prediction: O.J. is removed in shackles (Rusty is pretty rough with 'em) and is not allowed to speak with Doug. Robert Shapiro and Flea Bailey blow past Doug with only a grunt while Cochran stops to give a 5 minute soliloquy about racially motivated something-or-other. Marcia comes out last, a triumphant smile on her face, and slaps Doug 20 seconds into the interview after he grabs her ass. Finally, Judge Wapner retires, sighting that the job had just gotten too easy.
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The verdict: OJ must pay Marcia restitution for the gloves. The defendant always has to pay for the clothes on People's Court.
- Brian Drake
- poot shooter
Sorry. If you don't know People's Court, we don't see how you could follow any of the Grudge Matches. We are very biased (out of necessity) towards obscure Americana; that is the nature of the beast.
Even without this sordid past, he would never be able to come to a decision with the regular Magic 8 Ball. He would need the special "OJ Verdict 8 Ball," due out at the conclusion of the trial. So hats off to toy manufacturers everywhere, Look what a mess you caused.
Homicidal Heisman Hero? Nope, Johnny C. will turn this one into the Case of the Caucasian Kangaroo Court. Roll credits.
- Mark Kolb
- The Unix Guy
'Sides, I think he's got a woody for Marcia Clark.
Byebye Juice. DNA does not Lie. Life is prison won't be so bad.
Think about it, three squares a day, color TV, NFL on Sundays, and "Rodrigo" will only require servicing three times a week. piece of cake.
Anyway, this is a no brainer, no doubt, the lack of a receipt for the gloves was a setback, it is really quite elementary. The only evidence the defense had, was not only a ridiculous excuse for a Nixon flashback, it was also not there at the time. Now this really pisses the old man off. MC didn't have a receipt for the gloves, but I'm betting that Johnnie Cochran doesn't have a receipt for those tapes either! The receipts cancel out, leaving good ol' Wap with only one alternative. But just to make sure, since Judge Wapner "don' need no steeenking evidence" he goes to his chambers for the standard commercial break. During this time, he consults his Crystal Ball `o' Guilt TM(c) Then, while all of america is watching a Bounty paper towel commercial, Wapner comes out declares O.J. guilty, gives him the death penalty, then kills O.J. himself.
A sidebar: Robert Shapiro then files suit against Johnnie Cochrane in the case of Legal Technicality v. Ethnic Bias.
And one final note, Marcia is caught on camera coming on to Doug, who has to run to the bathroom and be ill, Rusty arrests Marcia for not changing her hairstyle often enough, and she is sentenced to wear Carrie Fisher's metal underwear from starwars and dance in front of Wapners desk during those pesky commercial breaks.
- David Ranney
- Paul Golba
I can see it now...they all enter the ring, and OJ opens up with a devastating blitz of fury! He smacks into Doug first, with an elbow to the temple (hey, we all wanted to do it) and he resounding crack of skull sends the crowd into fits! But then, it's time for the Big Man: The Judge. OJ, realizing the daunting battle before him, pulls the Murder Weapon (tm) out of his wooden leg (no one thought to look there!) and gets ready to gut Wapner. But the Judge won't take this lying down. He reaches into those voluminous black robes and pulls out...a Machete! (He always kept it in there, just in case something got out of hand.) A fierce fight ensues, culminating in the Juice finally laying into the bloodied lawmaster enough to knock him over. OJ's about to finish the deed with a Rockingham Necktie, when he sees the one thing he's forgotten up till now...Rusty. The old Bailiff shoots him in the shoulder just so he has a chance to bitch-slap him first, before closing this case with a bang.
But, of course, that's not what's going on at all. Wapner comes back after the commercial, declares OJ guilty, and sentences him to the electric chair as the halftime show at the Superbowl.
- Jack Dracula
- R. Lee
- Ken Ackley
1) Reasonable doubt. OJ's behaviour during this whole thing HAS been twitchy, but I'm afraid all the evidence to date is refutable. I couldn't vote guilty knowing that the possibility existed that I was dead wrong.
2) It's the minority (sic) opinion. I knew before I recorded my vote that most people would say OJ was guilty. Most of these people have neither done the careful study I have (the reason for which is another story), nor thought about it in terms more specific than "Black sports star kills white ex-wife." Besides the racial connotations, such thinking PRESUMES guilt. I can't do that.
You shouldn't do that either. Wish I could be less serious about this one. But this case is all out of proportion. And I find that when a man's freedom is on the line, I can't simply dismiss him...
- Darrin Barnett
We've noticed a disturbing trend recently in that many viewers are taking these Grudge Matches way too seriously. Please stop.
The plaintiffs have a bloody glove, enough DNA evidence to make Wapner's head spin, a barking dog, a televised low-speed car chase, and signed affidavits from dozens of experts that prove the defendant's guilt.
The defense has a Pro Bowl lineup of legal eagles, audio tapes showing that the investigator had it in for the defendant, an exercise video showing that OJ can barely move, eyewitnesses who are itching to leave the country, and a 1 to 1 ratio of signed affidavits to contradict the prosecution's experts thus proving the defendant's innocence.
It all comes down to what (if any) evidence will be actually examined during the 100 seconds Wapner will spend in his chambers (allowing for the yeast infection, snack cake, and hemorrhoid cure ads along with station identification). None of the evidence presented is considered because the affidavits would take to long to read, there is no receipt for the gloves, the defense doesn't have the audio tapes with them, DNA is mistaken as the name of a new rap band, the exercise video is VHS and Wapner only has a beta VCR, the barking dog and Rosa Lopez both speak a language that Wapner doesn't understand, and the car chase is not allowed since Wapner drives the same way.
So how will Wapner come to his decision? In his normal, highly educated, and clinical way: tails: OJ walks, heads: OJ's rolls. He flips the coin and he has his judgement. Returning to the bench after the commercial break, Wapner announces his decision: "I have weighed the evidence carefully and I have no choice but to find in favor of the plaintiffs." Start typing the decision under OJ's chin, he's gonna do time! As OJ is being led out of the courtroom, he manages to say the following words as he passes Doug Llewellyn: "I'm innocent. I played for the Bills! We choke, we don't slash throats!"
- JM Massi,
- "Me!!! It's ME! Can you handle that! Do you want to start a fight! What are you looking at, Fart features, I'll fight you!!!"
No, we did not make up this guy's email address.
You are screwed if: 1) You're black 2) You're a woman 3) You're an Asian store owner who can't speak English
Guess what? OJ's fucked.
- Shashi Malkani
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Kenneth Starr v. Bill Clinton (on Judge Judy)
Andy Taylor v. Cunninghams (child custody battle)
Gridiron Grudge Match
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