The Scenario

In a smoke-filled back room at the Capitol, several high ranking Republicans and Democrats sit around a table with a dark, shadowy figure sitting at the end.

A Republican gets up to speak. "We have to get rid of this Lewinsky mess. The People want the President punished but they don't want impeachment, we can't fine him and censure is a slap on the wrist. And look at our poll numbers..."

A Democrat counters, "You think you have it bad? For the next six months, my fellow Democrats and I have to defend the President when we know he has probably committed at least a dozen felonies, made JFK look like a saint and who knows what else. And we still are the minority in Congress..."

Suddenly, the entire room falls silent as the shadowy chairperson raises his hand. "Gentlemen, I think I have a solution that will satisfy you both. Let me make a phone call."

TWO WEEKS LATER...

ANNOUNCER: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real; the cases are real; the rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

BAILIFF: All parties on Starr vs. Clinton, step forward.

ANNOUNCER: Kenneth Starr, Special Prosecutor, is seeking impeachment of the President of the United States Bill Clinton on the grounds that he had sex with an intern and then covered it up with a conspiracy including felony perjury, obstruction of justice and witness tampering. Bill Clinton is counter-suing on grounds that Starr is on a personal and political vendetta and that he has done nothing legally wrong.

BAILIFF: Your honor, this is case #231 in the matter of Starr vs. Clinton. Parties have been sworn in, judge.

So Eddie, will the President Pay for Poorly Planned Promiscuity or will the Starr Suffer a Sound Slamming? And who is this chairperson anyway?

vs.

Bill Clinton

on

Judge Judy

The Commentary

EDDIE: First, I am honored to have been selected to face off against none other than the Grand Poobah of the Hallowed WWWF™. Now get ready to eat it.

After examining the evidence and researching the Five Rules of Winning on "Judge Judy", I have reached my verdict -- and it is Kenneth Starr by a landslide. Clinton is as guilty as the sin in which he so recklessly wallows. The only decision Judge Judy needs to make today is what punishment fits the crime. Now WHAT, might you ask, are the Five Rules of Winning on "Judge Judy"? And how, might you further inquire, do these rules support my verdict? I submit for your consideration:

RULE #1: Do you solemnly swear to tell the TRUTH, the WHOLE TRUTH, and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH? Clinton? Tell the TRUTH? Face it, my fellow Americans, Bill Clinton has pulled more evasive maneuvers than the Millennium Falcon pulled on all those Star Destroyers, TIE fighters, and asteroids in The Empire Strikes Back.

RULE #2: Make your point and SHUT UP. Judge Judy hates litigants who use a ga-zillion words to say practically nothing. So none of this esoteric, politically correct crap about "What is the legal definition of 'affair'" or "I'm not certain that I violated the law according to the legal definition of 'boinking.'"

RULE #3: Judge Judy hates IDIOTS and BIMBOS and DRUGGIES (oh my)! Idiocy? IDIOCY???? Can somebody tell me WHAT kind of a WORLD we live in, where a man boinks around with the Oval Office door HALF OPEN and the Secret Service standing outside in PLAIN SIGHT???? THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA!!!!!

RULE #4: Judge Judy hates litigants who put their children at risk. Now you tell me how all this must play all kinds of havoc with First Daughter Chelsea. As if the child doesn't have enough problems of her own. HELP SAVE OUR CHILDREN!

RULE #5 AND MOST IMPORTANT: Never, never, never, never, ne-ver, NE-VER TICK THIS JUDGE OFF!!!!! For those who are unfamiliar with our beloved Judge, think of Judge Judy as a cross between Judge Wapner and Carla from "Cheers." Bottom line: first one to tick this judge off generally loses. Unfortunately for the President, the quickest way to commit this most unpardonable sin is to violate Rules 1-4, all of which Clinton manages to do with one hand tied behind his back. (And since I'm a G-rated kinda guy, I'll defer comment as to where his other hand probably was.)

Judgment finds for the plaintiff and sentences Mr. Clinton to life without parole. Furthermore, the judge hereby assigns Mr. Clinton two new cellmates -- Callisto and Lorena Bobbitt. I hear they're a couple of real cut-ups who really know how to hit below the belt, if you know what I mean.

No further questions, Your Honor.

PAUL: Eddie, that was a rather well done argument - for a rookie. Too bad you're wrong. Clinton is going to walk.

I don't like to gloat (and believe me, this is not a pleasant development for me personally) but this latest election (AKA "The Impeachment Referendum"), the Democrats just picked up five seats in the House and sent Newt back home to Georgia. Oops! The public wants a dismissal and Ye God Nielsons™ clearly decree giving the people what they want.

Kenneth had no hope of winning this case anyway because of three words: PRESIDENT AL GORE. Yes, if the President is impeached, Mr. Personality™ will become the leader of the Free World™. Scary thought, huh? I think it is obvious that the President picked an inanimate object as his running mate since it made him virtually impeachment-proof. Compared to the alternative, anybody from Ross Perot to Tawana Brawley would have an 80% approval rating. The only question would be if the remaining 20% really enjoy that level of pain.

But let me assume that Judge Judy disregards her instinct for self-preservation. I will assume that your "rules" are indeed accurate. But your interpretation of them is completely one-sided. Need I remind you that Kenneth Starr's star witness is Monica Lewinsky? She is the DEFINITION of a bimbo. If the reports are true, she performed acts that would make porn stars blush. The publisher of Screw magazine complained of loss of business when her hijinks were made public. And after months of proclaiming her innocence, she changes her story. To quote any good attorney, "Were you lying then or are you lying now?" Judy is just going to *love* her.

Kenneth Starr isn't helping his own cause when it comes to the brevity department either. His report on the President was over 400 PAGES LONG!!! Do you think for one minute that the Judy wants to read that after being used to three page briefs by high school dropouts? And that doesn't even include the fifteen zillion pieces of "supporting evidence" which require re-routing half of the trucks on the East Coast to transport. Furthermore, once she learns that his report was available to any child on the Internet and that it garnered him a job offer from Hustler porno king and mega-scumbag Larry Flynt, Starr will have violated all the rules. And considering that he is the prosecutor and thus has to actually prove something, it just got ugly.

Judge Judy dismisses the case and fines Starr $2,500 for wasting the court's time. Bill Clinton gets back to the "business of running the country", which apparently includes a victory celebration in Las Vegas with 300 female "associates." Kenneth Starr quickly finds new employment and earns "Employee of the Month" for his elegant delivery of "Do you want fries with that?"

EDDIE: Impressive...most impressive...however, your arguments are weak, old man. First of all, SO WHAT if our next President is an inanimate object? Think of all the wonderful things the OTHER TWO BRANCHES OF OUR GOVERNMENT could accomplish!

CONGRESS: "Let's nuke Saddam like we should've done LAST time and abolish the IRS!"
GORE: Silence.
CONGRESS: "O.K., I'll take that as a yes...DONE!

Might I point out (since you have obviously failed to notice it yourself) that Judge Judy DOESN'T GIVE A RAT'S BUTT ABOUT PUBLIC OPINION???? Did you not hear the announcer clearly? Did he not speak English? This is HER COURTROOM, GET IT???? WHO CARES what the people want? I still say Callisto and Lorena end up in a catfight over who gets first swipe at their New Cellmate™.

All Clinton ever did (other than run around on his wife, do drugs, dodge the draft, and insult the intelligence of Americans everywhere by practicing "safe sax" on The Arsenio Hall Show) was VETO everything in sight. Gee, maybe having a statue in the White House isn't so bad after all. NEXT argument...O.K., so Monica's a bimbo and a liar. Again, BIG DEAL! That just means Judge Judy won't even bother questioning her. Monica will just sit there, looking pretty while negotiating talk-show interviews and multi-million-dollar book deals. Starr doesn't need her to prove his case... Slick Willie's lies prove Starr's case for him! And finally, O.K., so Kenneth's a world-class blabbermouth, and he's guilty of exposing millions of young, pre-teen, virgin eyes to the smut committed by the honorable <snicker> Mr. President. First of all, as far as Judy's concerned, that's irrelevant to this case. Ordinarily, Judy might declare Kenneth guilty of libel and slander, except for one little thing: everything Kenneth has said about the President is TRUE!!! Countersuit dismissed.

Sorry, Paul, your arguments, though technically correct, completely circumvent this case and accomplish ZILCH. Give yourself up while you still have one last strand of dignity left.

PAUL: Why would I need dignity when my competition is the likes of you?

Now let me get this straight. Kenneth Starr is going to put forth a case of impeachment against the President of the United States of America without calling any witnesses? Wow! Prosecuters that don't call witnesses are called unemployed. And if it comes down to convincing the judge through oral, er, verbal arguments, who do you think has a better chance: a dorky special prosecutor who gets crucified for leaking information every time he says anything or a President that just oozes, er, personifies charisma. Your boy is going to be scrapping burgers off the floor and throwing them back on the grill sooner than I thought.

And I don't think you fully realize the repercussions of President Al Gore. If he acts inanimate, he will be removed from office on grounds that he is "effectively dead." So who will replace him? First in line is Newt Gingrich who just resigned, who is followed by Strom Thurmond who will die of old age when he hears the news, followed by Madeleine Albright who is disqualified because she is not a natural born citizen. With just two convenient "accidents" to Robert Rubin and William Cohen, that leaves us with (drum roll please) PRESIDENT JANET RENO! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!!! OW! OW! OW! ADVIL™! MORPHINE™! MEDICAL MARIJUANA™l!

Judge Judy is not that crazy. Case Dismissed! Go, Baby!

The Results

Bill Clinton (656 - 54.0%) blows away Kenneth Starr (558 - 46.0%)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

*click* CBS:
"We now return to, 'As the World Turns.'" In the Oval Office, Clinton and Lewinsky are making kissy-face, when all of a sudden Hilary walks in.

(Hilary) "Gasp! Bill! How could you? I knew you were going behind my back, but not with...with her! Its over between us! *slap!*"

*click* FOX:
"Welcome back to Jerry Springer." Clinton, Lewinsky, and Hilary are all onstage, as Jerry talks to the camera

(Jerry) "Hello, today the topic is, 'My Husband's Been Cheating on Me With a White House Intern,' and my guests are President William Jefferson Clinton, his wife Hilary, and the Intern he's been making whoopee with, Monica Lewinsky. Now, Mr. Clinton, is it true that you've been seeing Ms. Lewinsky behind your wife's back?"

(Clinton) "Jerry, Ah'd be lying if Ah said Ah didn't do a little you-know-what with Monica, but Ah did not, Ah repeat, did not have a sexual affair with her--"

Hilary cuts him off and gets out of her chair

(Hilary) "Why, you lying *bleep* piece of *bleep*!! I know what you've been doing, *bleep*!" she picks up her chair and smashes it over the back of his head

*click* PBS:
"Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies!" The Red One, the Green One, the Purple One, and the Yellow One are joined by two others, a Grey One and a Blue One. They sound-off "Tinky-Winky!" "Dipsy!" "Laa-Laa!" "Po!" (Grey One) "Bubba!" (Blue One) "Lewinsky!"

"Lewinsky" (almost sounds like one of them, doesn't it?) proforms lewd acts on "Bubba" while the others aren't around

(Bubba) "Bubba like! 'Gain, 'gain!"

*click* ABC:
"Today on Oprah Winfrey: 'My Man is Unfaithful.'" Oprah's out in the audience letting them ask the guests, Clinton, Lewinsky, Hilary and Ken Starr, stupid white-trash questions. A large woman with a wierd hairdo and a Tommy Hilfigger shirt stands up and, with the usual head-bob, addresses Clinton

(Woman) "Y'all need to stop kickin' it wit' dat TRAMP and get back wit' yo' wife, boy, youknowwhatI'msayin'?" The audience applauds

Clinton and Starr appear on Judge Judy only after stints on Regis&Kathy Lee, Reading Rainbow (where they read the Starr Report!) Forgive or Forget, The Price is Right (where Lewinsky temps as a Barker's Beauty), and dozens of other talk shows and soaps. Then after the fight, which Ken Starr wins if only to end the madness, they show up on Rosie O'Donnel, the afternoon cartoons, the news (recapping the day), Hollywood Squares, and finally two FOX specials: "Worlds Wildest White House Scandels: Caught on Tape!," and "When Ken Starr Attacks!"

Make it stop!!!!

- MonkeyDog

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

• A politically motivated lawyer with the soul of a supermarket tabloid.
• A crooked sleaze of a politician who is also a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and the probable (family connections will tell) father of a future lawyer.

- martinl

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™ (TIE);

Except Buddy; he didn't get along to well with her, so he was sent to a laboratory.

- Lost in Kansas

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™ (TIE);

*Turns to Clinton*

"And you sir...how could you? You have a family, you're running the country--and then you do this? You couldn't even keep it discrete? AT LEAST other presidents didn't molest EVERY woman they came across. Sir, You make me sick. I wish I could charge you with stupidity. But since I can't, you get Betraying The Public Trust, too."

"Now for the sentence. I've recently been reading up on some Judge Dredd comic books, and I've decided that you two get the same treatment that the Judges would get if they broke the law--and since I AM THE LAW, you both will be altered and sent to Jupiter's moon Titan, where you will mine rocks for twenty years. You know, that alteration includes sewing up all your orifices--and I hope it's really painful. I think the public will be happy to spend their tax money on this endeavor. Dismissed."

- Three

Starr                           Clinton
-----                           -------
Legally and morally correct     Politically correct
No good at manipulating people  Very good at manipulating people
Hated by 50% of population      Hated by other 50% of population

- Joel Mathis

Clinton: Madame justice, I really don't underst..

JJ: Shut up you perv. It's hormone driven, P<Bleep> flashing, women using dickheads like you that keep women from dominating in business and government. I fine you $20,000,000 and sentence you to 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison. That'll give you a chance to use that "cigar"

- Dart Bader

- I sold my last drop of plasma for beer

- Fire and Ice

Skip to 1998. Kenneth Starr comes out with rumor of an affair with a much younger intern, complete with secretly recorded tapes, a stained dress, several miles worth of testimony. Clinton's justification story isn't even bought by those pot guys who bought him the first time, and it all comes to a head (puns not intended) at a pivotal election time. And the Democrats win big.

One thing can be argued for certain:

There is a lamp with one wish left.

Not even Judge Judy can overpower the djinn, despite its portrayal in Wes Craven's Wishmaster. Clinton goes free, the djinn seeks a new master, and Kenneth Starr files a federal suit against Judge Judy.

- Kilgore Trout

And yet Bill's still there, and the majority of the public is still behind him. The man is the Road Runner to the Republicans' Wile E. Coyote. Jerry to their Tom. Or, most appropriately, the Great White Whale to their Captain Ahab. At this point, it wouldn't matter if Starr came to court with videotapes of Bill in bed with a live mule and a dead boy -- nobody cares anymore after listening to the Republicans cry wolf for six years straight. And Judge Judy may be a sharp-minded jurist, but she's also a TV personality, and she knows what will happen to her ratings if she lets this turn into another tedious rehash of the grand jury testimony. She'd throw the case out of court before Starr gets three words into his opening statement.

- Shem

Also, Clinton wins here because I know that logic has no place in most of these discussions and reality has no place here either. In reality Clinton wouldn't last a second before Judge Judy because he can't tell the truth. The only time he told the truth was when he admitted to his affair with Lewinsky. When he told the truth, he was extremely uncomfortable. Most people are uncomfortable while telling a lie, while he lies to everybody like a pro.

- Sage of Halo

Clinton 1
Starr 0

The next factor to take in is the Joke Factor (tm). The winner will invariably be decided by which one has gotten the most jokes made about him by a combination of Letterman, Leno, and Conan. I'm going to give them both a point, because there is not a supercomputer alive that could count that high.

Clinton 2
Starr 1

The last factor to take in is the I Dont Have a Third Factor, but Two is a Lonely Number Factor (tm). Ill just give them both a point, because its not like this factor really matters anyway.

Clinton 3
Starr 2

Clinton gets the descision as he quietly leads Judge Judy into her chambers for a "Private Counsel"

- Brian C Strock, esq

JUDGE JUDY

Mr. President, you came on this child, then you told the Grand Jury you didn't have sex with her?

PRESIDENT CLINTON

No, Your Honor, not as I understand the word "President" ...

JUDGE JUDY

Mr. Starr, you didn't even want to finish building your case against the President? You wanted to jump ship and take a position at Pepperdine University, and only stayed with the case because of political pressure? The Big Bad Republicans Gonna Make You Cry?

KENNETH STARR

Your Honor! I object!

JUDGE JUDY

Yet who would ever know?

I want the DNA report on the dress, and the transcript of the Grand Jury hearing.

As you are Commander-in-Chief of the US Armed Forces, I'm going to find an Article under the Uniformed Code of Military Justice that will hang you, Mr. President, with as much prejudice and loose interpretation as I can wing.

And as for you, Mr. Starr, as you are prosecuting the Commander-in-Chief of the US Armed Forces, under the same UCMJ, I'm going to improvise the most humiliating punishment I can imagine against you for impersonating a man.

Then, in the courtroom, as the Executive Branch of the US Government lies in ruins, Al Gore and Dan Quayle unite into a gigantic Transformer robot: Moronitron!

Moronitron rampages unopposed across the country: So Long DC! Ta-Ta LA! Say Hi To God For Me, NYC!

... until he gets to Minnesota ...

Whipped into a frenzy, he's eager to go toe-to-toe against Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura!

MORONITRON

Ventura, you are no challenge to WE ... WE are stronger than you ... WE are also undefeated in badmiton ... doubles AND singles! ... surrender to WE before you suffer unnecessarily ...

JESSE VENTURA

You're too late, Moronitron! I've already nominated myself as a candidate in the next Presidential election! If you kill me and run yourself, all of the votes that would've gone to me will go to Ross Perot!

ROSS PEROT

Y'see, you can feed a horse peanut butter, but just because his lips move, it doesn't mean he's saying anything, y'see!

MORONITRON

... President Ross Perot ... that does not compute to WE ... does not compute ...

Unable to resolve the paradox, Moronitron blows up.

After the dust settles ...

ROSS PEROT

Y'see, Jesse, we make a great team, y'see! Why don't you run with me as your running mate?

JESSE VENTURA

Sounds like a great idea, Ross, except that I was a Navy SEAL, and you were a Girly Ensign. So why don't you skip back home to Texas, before I sneeze, and accidentally kill you with my projectile "loogies".

ROSS PEROT

Damn! The American People can never get a break!

- Michael Leung

Obviously, the #1 rule in Judge Judy's court is #1 in ALL courts. "Tell the truth and nothing but the truth." Right. And what did Mr. Clinton do? He lied. In front of the Grand Jury! Is this supposed to be a role model for other kids, because he is President? Nay, I say, NAY! We're already disappointed in him. I know because my family got an e-mail joke that was a letter titled "Mr. President, Leave Now." It was pretty funny.

But that is beside my argument, so I'll keep going. Clinton will, of course, make several long, distinguished answers to many of his questions, just as he did in his testimony. And Eddie, you're right. Judge Judy WILL get totally pissed off about all this. Only the court officers will keep her from running out to deliberately smack the President and everyone else with her gavel and fists.

Once the dust settles, Judge Judy will reward Starr with the case. Mr. Clinton's punishment? Get demoted to a lower office, such as governor of a local state. Very fitting!

BTW, I would personally prefer to see Jesse "The Body" Ventura as president. Wouldn't you?

- -Da Bull

What, you may wonder, is so great about Al Gore?

He's a Tennesseean. Yes, a member of that greatest of races -- kings among men. Who was America's greatest president? James K Polk, a Tennesseean (who doubled the size of the country, had an excellent little war, and got a song by They Might Be Giants). What president opened the government to popular democracy? Andrew Johnson, a Tennesseean (who ignored the rulings of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court himself). Who was the last president to be impeached? Er... um.... Andrew Johnson, a Tennesseean (who also tried to allow a considerate end to the Civil War, which would have resulted in my ancestors NOT losing all the family's horses).

So, Al Gore, as successor to His Excellency, Convict Clinton, will guarantee, as a Tennesseean president, a fascinating presidency, which will doubtless create lawsuits for Judge Judy to reconcile and countless hours of other entertainment for the masses who answer Gallop and Nielson Polls.

Tennessee (the Hog and Hominy State) for ever!

- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D., Tennesseean

Rule #1: The prosecution always takes six months to a year to prepare its case.

By this it would start about May of 1999 at the earliest. Likely After Labour day.

Rule #2: The prosecution will take about six months to a year to present its case.

By this the earliest they would wrap up is mid November 1999. Likely Around Easter year 2000.

Rule #3: The Defence will take six months to a year to present its case.

By this its May 2000 at the earliest, but Judge Judy would be forced to employ your IRON FIST policy TM. this should get on with it by Thanksgiving. She has Christmas shopping to do to you know...

Rule #4: The closing statements take a month or two to wrap up.

By this, June 2000. But really? Inauguration of the next President.

Rule #5: Deliberations take six months to a year.

That means Inauguration if you're lucky, but likely Christmas 2001!

Either way, You can't impeach a president after his term expires, So he gets the win. But again it will be short lived as He still get's stuck in a jail cell with some crooked but sloppy Republicans.

Boy am I proud to be Canadian!

- Lurch

STARR: Well, Your Honor, Mister Clinton here did indeed have sexual relations with a certain Monica Lewinsky-

JUDY: Come on, I read the paper too. Look at me, Mister Starr. Look at me! I read the paper too. What actually makes you believe that Mister Clinton had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky?

STARR: He confessed on national television.

JUDY: We all know that, Mister Starr. We all know that. Same old. Now, Mister Clinton, how has this man really wronged you?

(commercial break for a '99 Honda Accord, Pringles, and a host of other products)

JUDY: Now, Mister Clinton, how has this man really wronged you?

CLINTON: He has destroyed my privacy, my family, and my career, Your Honor with his lies

STARR: Now hold on just a seco-

JUDY: Mister Starr, you already had your chance to speak. Continue.

CLINTON: And besides that, Kenneth Starr is a perverted old man with no sex life.

STARR: What th-

JUDY: (interrupting in her obnoxious way) Mister Starr, is that true?

STARR: Well, I...

JUDY: You are under oath, Mister Starr.

STARR: ... ... Yes.

CLINTON: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You screwed up! You-

JUDY: Be quiet, Mister Clinton. I've made my decision.

ANNOUNCER: Judge Judy has made her decision. Stay tuned.

(More boring yuppie commercials)

ANNOUNCER: Judge Judy is ready to annouce her decision.

JUDY: This case is not as complicated as both of you have been acting like it is. It all boils down to two things. (pause) Mister Clinton, you are indeed guilty of these crimes that Mister Starr has accused you of. At the same time, though, Mister Starr has indeed invaded your privacy. Therefore, BOTH of you shall be punished.

CLINTON: What?

JUDY: I sentence you both to a lifetime of service in bad made-for-TV movies.

STARR: What? H-how can this be?

CLINTON: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(On the other side of the secret camera)

DEMOCRAT: *gasp* Clinton has been sentenced! To keep our party afloat, we must assassinate him!

(On the other side of the other secret camera)

REPUBLICAN: Oh no! Kenneth Starr has been sentenced! We have to... dispose of him...

(Back to Judge Judy set)

CLINTON: I-I-I feel so... ashamed...

(two assassins, one hired by democrats, one hired by republicans, burst in)

CLINTON and STARR: They're trying to kill me! (to each other) They're trying to kill you?

(both assassins close in. Clinton is killed immediately, but the other assassin is defeated by the awesome gavel of Judge Judy)

(Two weeks later, at the Clinton Monument)

STARR: I survived, and yet I lost. Why?

(Clinton's spirit comes)

CLINTON: Although the Republicans have better assassins, I win BECAUSE of that.

STARR: But why?

CLINTON: Because you forgot the First Rule of the Presidency: If you are assassinated, you instantly become a hero.

... And that's what it all boils down to.

- Colonel Zippo Kanaza

- Michael

Clinton, according to published reports, although not according to Hillary, has a big putz.

Starr IS a big putz.

Any man who lets his putz do his thinking for him is bound to find himself in trouble, but a putz doing its own thinking has no chance.

- Perry "Merritt Stone" Bruns

White House TV ratings have never been so high...

- Lee

- Calvin

Kenneth Starr leaves his seat and walks over to the judge. The whispers are barely audible as the two confer

Judge Judy: "He did WHAT with a cigar???!!??!!"

We know how full of The Rage(tm) the judge can be when angry, especially when she's honked off at a man. What follows is bleeped out extensively, only appearing later on the "Judge Judy: Unjurisprudent Behavior"(tm) videotape (not sold in stores(tm)).

Starr wins, while Clinton becomes the first person to receive court-ordered chemical castration on national television.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight Here comes de judge, here comes de crook, this chair is ol' Sparky, now here comes de cook

So, in comes Billy boy, he flashes his baby blue eyes at the Judge, she forgives him, he's let off scott-free and Ken 'the Human cure for Insomnia' is given a new job - he's packed off to calm down riots in Maximum Security by giving readings from his autobiography.

- Renensco P Blue

Ken Starr spends three weeks and two million dollars in Republican kickbacks preparing his case. His final argument is a 10,000 page typed diatribe on Fallatio", Perjury", and the Definition Of Is". Five minutes into his presentation, Judge Judy cuts him off. "This is a courtroom, not a classroom, so cut the high school speech class crap and get to the point. You have 20 seconds."

At this point, Starr is saved by the RWO" (Republican World Order), who run in and jump Clinton. Bill manages to fend off Linda Tripp, Kathleen Wiley, and Paula Jones. But...who's this? Newt "The Newt" Gingrich" isn't retired after all...he's a PRO WRESTLER!!! Clinton is in serious trouble, especially once Newt slaps on his finishing move, the "Government Shutdown"". Just when Slick Willy is ready to give it up, the lights in the courtroom flicker out. Dramatic music fills the room, and a spotlight beams on the rafters. Standing tall above the hushed crowds is...

JANET "THE WOOKIEE" RENO"!!!

Brandishing Al Gore as a weapon and commanding a troop of pyromaniac FBI agents, Reno storms the ring. Under the assault of the shemale and her minions, the RWO makes a hasty retreat. Judge Judy rings the DQ bell, and the announcer tells everyone there will be a rematch at the next Pay-Per-View".

Case Dismissed.

- Tistofer Tickleson

- Warren Von

This match might get you a comment or two...

- -tuffy

Ideas were tossed left and right....

"A Cheers Reunion".....nah, too costly.
"Grudge Match: The TV show".....nope, we'd all go to hell.
"A Tribute to Bob Denver"......we'd be publicly stoned.

None of their proposals caught on. In the back of the room, Ruprick, the Janitor...muttered, "Sheeit, President Clifton is on tv all the time...way I look at it, sex always sells."

6 months later:

Judge Judy:  "Miss Lewinsky!  Don't blow cigar smoke up my skirt and
             tell me it's windy!  Mr. Starr, is this your idea of a
             credible witness?  You need to have your head examined!
             Now Mr. President, what do you have to say for yourself?

The President:  Your Honor, may I please approach the bitch?

Judge Judy:  Excuse me?

The President:  May I please approach the bench?

Judge Judy:  Alright, you may leave the stud...err, stand and approach
             my bench.

Clinton shows her a new trick with the gavel, and win's by a nose.

- Tbone

Clinton is sentenced to 3 years of recent "People's Court" reruns... and I mean the ones WITHOUT Wapner.

- FnordMan

William Jefferson "Mr. Chuckletrousers" Clinton: A goofy hick who thinks he can get away with anything simply because he happens to be the leader of the free world. Imagine, his poor wife and child having to deal with his inability to keep his goddamn pants on. Slicker than snake oil. Judge Judy hates Clinton.

Kenneth "Herr" Starr: An overeducated, pompous, whiny dweeb. He has obviously never had sex. Relentless and unbending, he doesn't care whose lives he has to ruin on his holy crusade against Clinton. Judge Judy hates Starr.

Monica "Havana" Lewinsky: A bimbo, attempting to sleep her way to the top, now attempting to cash in on an equally horny President's fallacies. She cares nothing about the welfare of the nation, or anyone but herself, for that matter. Judge Judy hates Lewinsky.

Poor Judge Judy. Can you imagine the witness testimonies for this case?

Starr: "Your honor, I'd like to call Oscar Suelamente, the night janitor at the White House in charge of Silverware Realignment and Chair Redistribution. He once talked to a guard who knew another guard who heard the Secretary of Defense talking to Senator Al D'amato about Clinton's infidelities."

Johnny Cochrane(Clinton's lawyer, of course): Your honor, this has no bearing on the case. The Secretary was talking about George Clinton, the funk musician."

Judge Judy: (To Starr) No, you may not call that witness.

Starr: Fair enough. I'd like to call George Clinton to the stand.

And so on. After weeks and weeks of testimony, Judge Judy will make her ruling.

Judy: I have reached a decision... everybody shut up.

(silence)

Judy: The verdict is as follows: Clinton is guilty of perjury and will be fined $500.

Starr: (detonates in his pants) I won! I won! The Grail is mine!!

Judy: Furthermore, I find Kenneth Starr guilty of wasting my time and being an insufferable prick, and sentence him to death.

Starr: Wait! You can't do that!

Judy: The bailiff may fire when ready.

(BLAM BLAM)

Starr: I... want... *gasp*... an... appeal...

(BLAM)

And that's all she wrote. It will be the easiest loss Clinton has had to suffer. **Bonus points to anyone who got the reference I put in there to the comic book "Preacher"! Does this make me a loser... or is that just a damn fine comic?**

- Phat Cheops

Clinton: I WILL SURVIVE

At first I was afraid that she would testify,
They'd haul me before congress and find out I'd lied,
I should have locked her up
I should have thrown away the key
If I had thought for just one second she would double cross ME!

I will survive! I will survive!
Though they're telling me it's political suicide,
I've a presidency to loose,
But my face is in the news
I will survive, oh yeh!

If you've ever seen my wife, first lady Hillary
Then you'll understand how I chose adultery,
My public supports gone,
My friends all say I'm wrong
Oh, but by god they've not heard the last of me!

I will Survive! I will survive!
Recon I can get away without being tried,
They won't prosecute,
The case goes down the chute,
I will survive! Oh Yeh!

AS long as I keep a straight face as I apologise,
Then it'll be a while before my demise,
Because of my sex drive,
My polls may take a dive,
But in the end, they will believe my filthy lies,

I will survive! I will survive!
The crimes I have committed will all be denied,
The Starr reports all crap
Kenneth will take the rap
It'll take them years to find I've taken them for a ride,
I WILL SURVIVE!!!

Muslims terrorists have bombed American embassies,
Diverting media attention overseas,
I'll launch tomahawks,
I'll shoot them from the sea,
The tabloids sheets are suckers, for the military,

I will survive! I will survive!
Bin Laden, someone more people can recognise,
They wont figure its a ruse
To get me out the news
And if I'm lucky my polls may start to rise,
I WILL SURVIVE!!!!!!!!!

- seb Rabit

Impeach Bill Clinton
Impeach him now
"For the sake of the children"

- Tristan "The Griffon Master" Pratt

- Sick of it All!

- --Mr. Chris

Please use your brain and realize the House of Represenatives voted to turn this pile of drivel over and make it publicly available - NOT Kennith Starr.

Clinton needs to be locked up, just to protect all the other young girls out there when they become interns!

- Velcroman

Just imagine the impact/consequences of Kenneth Starr hanging around Washington for a few more years. Republicans might be on the streets burning flags. Conservatives might start chaining themselves to trees to save the environment.

Good gravy! We might even see Representative Frank Riggs of California protest police brutality! (Okay, that may be stretching it.)

Anyway, if Starr is powerful enough get Republicans to publicly support Internet porn, Clinton has no chance of victory.

- Mark Wentz

- -K

(heh, heh, I think we fooled 'em)

- Tracer "Wag the Dog" Malone

- This brilliant piece of commentary brought to you by Waderick

- Harjap

Clinton by 100%

- Kenny McCormick

1) Judge Judy, being Jewish (I suppose by her name) will automatically dislike Clinton for getting blown by a Jewish girl. (I can see her now: "A good Jewish girl would NEVER give herself to a goy like you! You must have RAPED her!")

2) After presiding over dozens of young girl/catfight cases, she knows a thing or two about girls from such memorable quotes: "Yes, I DID call her 'Barbie Bitch' occasionally" and "Dat bitch kicked me in the face!". And, I guess since she (in theory) was once a girl herself, and living in these days of women's "equality," she knows how much women value their respect above all ;).

3) Of course, Ken Starr, looking old and dissheveled would appeal to the equally old and disshevelled Judge Judy. They could, unlike Clinton, remeniss about "the good old days" and "when the subway cost a nickel." Thay way, they could REALLY hit it off...

However, it isn't really about Judge Judy...cause this is a fight to the DEATH aint it?

I can see it now with Marv Albert commentating...

"Starr thumps Clinton with a BIBLE!!! Is that the King James version I see? YES!!"

Starr, on a strict diet of metamucil and ex-lax (which still hasn't gotten that 3-foot pole out, by the way) must be in better condition than Clinton, who is on a strict diet of McDonald's 'n' young women...way too fattening. Clinton, who could try and throw his weight around, would succeed for a while before he ran out of breath, and even his oily nature couldn't keep Starr from getting a hold on him and using his nails, just like the above mentioned "barbie bitch."

Gotta go,
Peace,

- Tyranork

- Stoopid Gold -Eternal adversary of Judge Wapner

- Jaid Diah

Our attention spans are so limited, Ken Starr's head could rotate 360 degrees and start spitting split-pea soup, and no one would give it the sleightest thought... (Not when FOX is showing highlights from 'When Animals Attack XVII')

- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood

- Hooper_X

	Maher: So, what about that crazy wrestler becoming governor?
	Celebrity #1: I think it's great.
	Politician: I also think it's great.
	Celebrity #2: There was an election?

- King of No Media

Hollywood Hogan for President!

- The Black Shadow - Master of the Night and Patron Saint of the Cuban Cigar

Kenneth Starr starts throwing allegations, which clinton denies with a straight face, Starr brings out witness after witness, after each one, clinton gives a new definition of the word 'is'. Judge Judy makes comment after comment, but the independent council and the president keep up with their loopholes and proceed to drag each other through the mud; Starr with his Tripp tapes, Clinton with his private investigators.

Judge Judy finally freaks out big time and starts screaming at the both of them, how they should both be ashamed, how low they're going, how clinton should get it cut off, and how starr should just drop it, how stupid she thinks hillary is to stay with him. Finally, out of breath, she passes out.

Next day in court:

Judge Judy: "After careful consideration of your cases, I've decided that the only way this matter is going to be settled with any satisfaction on either side: Mr. Starr's need to publically humiliate the president for his own inability to find anything corrupt for three years after he'd been assigned as independent council, and Mr President's need for higher public ratings, I've decided you two can go fight it out on Jerry Springer's show, and whoever's the last one standing will be found correct in the eyes of the law;it doesn't matter to me since you two are even lower than rock bottom scum sucking ambulance chasing public defenders"

Tonight on the Jerry Springer Show: The President's Women Clinton and Starr are onstage as witness after witness comes out to tell their story- in the closing audience question session, they all break into fistfights, Starr throwing tape after tape at Clinton, and finally trying to whip him towel-style with a familiar looking blue dress. Clinton throws a dictionary at Starr, and then grabs his saxophone and starts beating the independent council over the head. The independent council goes out cold and Monica and Clinton embrace. Hillary goes berserker and she and all the other women plaintiffs start beating the living crap out of Clinton.

Winner: Clinton (but he'll be in the hospital for a few months on high-heel puncture wounds)

- Vrill

- Mikey-wuz-HeaRe

JJ: You think I'm going to believe that you didn't have an affair with that skanky intern and then tell her to lie about it? Don't piddle on my leg and say it's raining, Billy boy!

BC: Actually, I prefer to be called "Mr. President."

JJ: Look, ya hoofla, you're in my jursidiction now, and I'll call you whatever I want. But it seems to me there are other, less genteel, names you like best, although the thought of that makes me sick. Look, pal, you think you can come in here and get me to believe anything? Maybe you can pull the wool over America's eyes, and maybe your wife, too, but there's no way you're going to fool me. You're lying; I can tell by your face! White trash like you doesn't belong managing a McDonald's, much less a country.

BC: The people spoke, ma'am--they wanted me.

JJ: Will you puhllleeeease beeee quiet? When people speak like that, I tell them to shut up! We live in a stupid country, but *I* wasn't born yesterday. You are an insipid idiot and if your wife can't handle you, I'll take care of it. I find for Mr. Starr.

BC: (to himself) If only I could've met with her in her judge's chambers...

- Longfellow's wench

And to Devin the mental hospital escapee. Bring it on, Rageboy!!! I'm a student at Texas A&M University which means I'm already five times crazier and three times better armed than you could ever be. Gig em Aggies!

- Brendan W. Guy

Why, you ask? It's simple. Lunch Hour "Courtroom" Shows (tm) are only watched by unemployed people. Specifically, unemployed people who live out in the Boondocks (tm). Having devoted my life to the study of local Boondockians (tm) I have concluded that they are, for the most part, Ultra-Conservative Republicans (tm). The Judge has to please an audience that wants Billy Boy's Sorry Ass (tm) kicked out of the White House (tm, China).

Starr wins without saying a word, and Slick Willy gets sent to Springfield Minimum Security Prison(tm)

- Jak the Militant Ultraconservative Republican Duck of the Boondocks, Esq.

Living close to the border that divides my multi-cultural, peacefull, accepting, non-gun based country, from that of one that thinks I'm an eskimo, I have a very stereotyped view on the whole Lewinsky issue. It's funny. Raw material. You have a country of people that can't keep themselves from shooting each other while high, yet are so partiotic with their stripes and fifty-someodd stars, and then grant them the news that, not only is their leader driven by more 'basic' needs than, oh, say, world peace or elimination of poverty, and that their vice-president is hypocritical, and lo and behold! A nation of people muttering, well, maybe our leaders aren't the best, nor our health care, but at least we have heating.

Plus, the late nite show jokes. Endless.

Finally, reverse sterotypes!

Now, before you send up some yokel with a shotgun from a state starting with a vowel, keep in mind the entertainment factors this is providing us those of us north of the border! I mean, our govermnent is... well, not the provincial, but our federal government! It's... well, not that... but maybe adequate!

Adequate Vs. Embarassing.

Your call!

PS. I picked Starr, because, for a cover-up, it wasn't much of a coverup. (I know, swallowing the evidence, whatever!) Almost makes one doubt the intelligence level...enough said.

- Tricia *bet you thought I'd say "eh?"*

The first person to speak is the President, who requests a recess for personal reasons- He needs to change his underwear. A few minutes later, the trial resumes.

"Mr. Starr, your opening statement?"

Actually, Your Honor, I'd like to open with a motion if I could. I move that we save the taxpayers a boatload of money and take care of the inevitable post-impeachment criminal trial right here."

"Objection!" says the President, "Lack of due process."

"Mr. President, apparently you don't realize that you're on a show that is usually sandwiched between Jerry Springer and The Power Rangers. Objection overruled."

Despite the President's brilliant defense ("Sure, I engaged in an act that involved my sex organs and resulted in an orgasm, but that doesn't mean it was sex."), conviction is swift. Sentencing follows after another underwear break...

In an unprecedented reorganization, the prisoners at the Federal minimum security prison at Saufley Field, Florida are dispersed to other sites and are replaced by a select group of convicts. This new population is made up of over two hundred male Federal prisoners who were convicted of lying under oath or of violating the military statute against adultery. Bill Clinton will live among them, but he won't just be a run-of-the-mill jailbird. No, the former President will have a special job: Dedicated Bathroom Attendant for Life. That's over 200 butts to wipe on a daily basis, folks. The only thing Prisoner Clinton has to look forward to during his long days as Latrine Queen is the occasional smuggled Big Mac and his yearly conjugal visit from Gloria "One Free Grope" Steinem.

Remember that the next time an intern starts looking a little too good...

- & Mr. Silverback- Cabana Boy for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

- Lenny Bruce

     <click>
I've been told that we will be going live to the Whitehouse.
     <click>
...this is Judge Judy.
     <click>
Don't you just hate yeast infections?
     <click>
That's why my family insists on...
     <click>
AOL, the easiest way to get online and download...
     <click>
...Miss Lewinsky...
     <click>
...bobbing for apples at a charity fundraiser for...
     <click>
...the removal of the President's pants...
     <click>
...on Entertainment Tonight's cover story...
     <click>
...with Gretzky on the wing.
     <click>
Mr. Starr. Mr. Clinton. Don't you think you have totally wasted...
     <click>
...the talents of Courtney Love and Tori Spelling...
     <click>
...on the next COPS!
     <click>
C'mon Shaggy, we're going to look for...
     <click>
...tampons that really make you feel fresh...
     <click>
...only at McDonald's.
     <click>
Up next, the Berlin music festival, featuring John Tesh, David Hasslehoff, and Yanni performing...
     <cick>
...oral sex on the President...
     <click>
...he shoots, HE SCORES!
     <click>

"I frigging hate television!"

- HotBranch!

- gcorfman@hotmail.com

"cigar":  458
"Judge Wapner":  112
"Distinguishing characteristics":  25
"Socks the Cat":  16
"How do you circumcize a hillbilly?":  1
"Tastes good":  40
"A steroid-enraged Linda Tripp":  12
"File-Gate":  11
"Travel-Gate":  11
"Forni-Gate":  11
"Rep. Mary Bono (R-Cal.)":  8
"boxers or briefs":  323
"Whoops, oh well, that'll come out with a little lemon juice":  5
"Arkansas Chuggabug":  2
"I... never... had... sexual relations with that woman":  64
"I... never... had... sexual relations with Tigers ace Jack Morris":  0
"pocket veto":  9
"Janet Reno's prostate":  1
"It Takes a Village to....":  30
"McDonald's Happy Meal":  205
"Devil with the Blue Dress On":  15
"draining the spit valve":  1
"Oval" (referring to the Office):  77
"Oval" (referring to Monica):  78

- The King of Tonga

• She has no patience for people who don't give a straight answer (i.e., Bill)
• She has no patience for people who do not uphold the Family" (more Bill than Ken)
• She has no patience for people who disregard the importance of their responsibilities (especially the office of the President)
• She has no patience.

In the end, she will find in favor of the Special Prosecutor for the court costs and a stick of gum.

- ~the Stranger

THE FINAL WORD...™

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

OJ Simpson on The People's Court
Boris Yeltsin v. Ted Kennedy
Frank Drebin v. Maxwell Smart

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