About 50 feet directly across from the counter of this mysterious store, more lights come on. It's at the movie theatre concession stand. A lone figure comes in, hauling several large bags of popcorn. This old man is used to making and marketing popcorn, but due to cutbacks and a rash of illnesses in his workforce, he has been forced to do deliveries and he is running way behind. As he loads the popcorn into the bin, he hears the banging and clanking about. He sighs to himself, already used to this bizarre display. He turns to wash his hands and then feels a sharp pain in his temple, followed by the feeling of a warm fluid running down his cheek. He tastes it. Grease! He looks down at the floor at the drumstick that had just struck him: Extra crispy (tm)! Does this man have no conscience! He turns. "You crazy bastard! That was the last straw!" He quickly fires a box of JuJubees (tm) across the Food Court, strikes the cash register and explodes, gelatin scrapnel scattering across the vinyl floor. So it has begun.
An all out food court food war between two food icons, each armed with their own repertoire of culinary projectiles: Colonel Sanders armed with everything KFC (tm) has to offer vs. Orville Redenbacher armed with what you would find at a typical movie concession stand. Steve, who leaves the mall alive?
Another factor is strategy. Don't forget that you're dealing with a colonel here! He knows how to win wars! He will deploy his drumsticks and wings with uncanny foresight. Orville will never know what hit him. In addition, the Colonel has better weapons at his disposal. Orville has only small projectiles, such as popcorn, M&Ms (TM), Skittles (TM), Twizzlers (TM), and jellybeans to fight his war with. The Colonel has whole frozen chickens, Rotisserie Gold (TM) kabobs, day-old rock-hard biscuits, and the dreaded Grease Vat (TM). Orville beware!
BRIAN: The things you claim will be to the "Colonel's" advantage will, in fact, be his undoing. Orville is provided with a cornucopia of dehabilitating scrapnel (as you point out) as well as a few items which can provide serious damage with a single accurate hit such as a frozen Snickers (tm) bar. All of these items can also be hurled across the breadth of the food court. The Colonel's big guns, however, such as the frozen chickens, the kabobs, and the Grease Vat (tm) are not long range weapons. Clearly, the Colonel will have to go on the offensive.
And that's where it ends. As Sanders makes his way across the floor (very slowly, of course, since he's 87 years old) with a kabob in one hand, a frozen chicken in the other and screaming like a Banshee the whole way, Orville has ample time to construct and secure a bunker composed entirely of stale bagged popcorn. As Harland is halfway across the floor, the shrapnel from Orville's bombardment has covered the floor, making it extremely dangerous to traverse. My money is that he would slip on some Good'N'Plenty (tm) and break his hip, but for the sake of argument let's say he makes it across, but he is definitely slowed down, giving Orville even more time.
By the time he finally reaches Orville, he's exhausted and confused, the high from spices 1-4 having worn off. He lunges, but the kabob plunges harmlessly into a popcorn bag. That's when Orville gives him the soda fountain hose. Blinded, the Colonel collapses on the floor, wailing in pain. Mr. Redenbacher then slowly and calmly walks over to him and finishes the job with a Tensator (tm) pole to the cranium.
STEVE: There is yet another deciding factor here -- diet. The Colonel has been dining on protein-rich chicken dinners for years now. Supplemented with carbohydrate laden biscuits, mashed potatoes, and cole slaw, he will be as healthy as any old-timer could hope for. On the other hand, Orville is the malnourishment poster-boy. All he has to eat is popcorn, candy, popcorn, soda, and more popcorn. This junk-food diet will leave him unable to withstand any sort of attack from Colonel "Body by KFC" Sanders.
Here's the way I see this progressing: Orville, maddened by the initial onslaught, will work his way across the Food Court (TM) to KFC. Armed with handfuls of candy, he will make a valiant effort to defeat the Colonel. However, once he nears the KFC counter, two things will happen: First, he will see the Colonel close-up, and will realize that the Colonel is just a good 'ol boy like himself. Second, the herbs & spices hanging in the air will relieve him of anger and hatred. The next thing you know, the two old guys are sitting in the back room, chatting about old times, and generally having a ball. Then, Orville will mention something about his son. This name triggers a flashback in the Colonel to whatever war he fought in, and he will flip out. Before Orville knows what's happening, Orville finds himself impaled with dozens of plastic sporks. Sanders is victorious!
BRIAN: Steve, your remarks make me wonder if it's been YOU smoking some of those special herbs and spices. To assume that these men eat only what they will be throwing this evening? Baseless! And what if they did? Sanders' arteries would be so clogged up with cholesterol he wouldn't be able to move nevermind hurl a drumstick 50 feet. One thing is for sure, though: Orville eats lots of popcorn. What will that do? It will make him the most regular some bitch you ever did see. How will that effect this fight? It won't. The Colonel will be six feet under before the next trip to the bathroom.
And while the thought of someone impaled on Sporks (tm) is appealing, it's not possible. You can't even cut open a Buttermilk Biscuit (tm) with one of those things. This only demonstrates the lack of appropriate weaponry the Colonel has to work with. He is doomed from the very beginning.
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Second, another person sent in something very ironic. He claimed: "The
Colonel must be pretty good at more than just cooking chicken to get
that high in rank!" Well, it has come to our intention that this is, in fact,
not the case. In 1935, Governor Ruby Laffoon made Harland Sanders a Kentucky
Colonel in recognition of his contribution to the state's CUISINE. Steve,
stating that "nothing seemed real anymore", has officially changed his vote.
- Chris Foster/Sherry Womack
- So. Central Rain
SANDERS: Obi-Wan never told you what happenned to your father.
ORVILLE: He told me enough! He said you betrayed my father and murdered him!
SANDERS: No, Orville. _I_ am your father.
(Ominous KFC jingle played here)
ORVILLE: No. It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
SANDERS: Search your feelings. Together we can end this destructive
conflict and rule the snack industry as father and son. Join
me Orville. It is your _dessss_tiny.
ORVILLE: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point Orville, slowly backing away from the Colonel, trips
over the snack counter. He falls through a hole in the floor where
repair crews were working that night, ends up in the pet store, and
is found the next morning hanging from a light fixture babbling about
Leia. Sanders, though failing to entice his son to the Dark Meat of the
Force, has taken the win.
- Mike Smith
Yeah it wasn't verbatim from the movie. What are _you_ gonna do about
it, ya Wookie-huggin' nit picker?
- FREYER
2. Orville will at the last minute substitute his look alike grandson who
has current collegiate experinece in food fighting(tm)
Nolo Contendre
- Dad
KFC: A cooperative of fried chicken shops with ties to Taco Bell (tm) and some
dubious ties to Pepsi co. (tm).
Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Popping Corn (tm): Who owns Orville, Beatrice
Hunt/Wesson, you do remember Beatrice don't you? As in "We're Beatrice, We Own
Everything". And guess what kids Beatrice is owned in turn by the little known
mega-giant agri-business Conagra(tm). The last time I looked Conagra went from
#18 on the Fortune 500 to #14 on the Fortune 500 and that was when they "acquired"
Beatrice. If you eat, Conagra probably made it.
Fellas. we're talking about a figure head from a Corporate Giant vs. an
aging cultural Icon. Conagra probably has more Orvilles frozen ready to
come to life at the drop of a hat (right next to Elvis, Jimi Hendrix and
Bruce Lee).
Orville all the way!
- Colin Eric Johnson, University of New Mexico
- Robert Bluestein
Plus, popcorn is a vegetable. That, alone, wins it for me.
- Greg Wymer
- John Latchem, UCLA
- Mike Farahbakhshian, Disco Lord of Tulsa
- Marcadv
- Matt-a-roo
On the other hand, we have the Colonel. Southern gentleman. Inventor of
a unique high pressure chicken frying process - no doubt he's got his
more deadly inventions in the back room, ready for action against that
raggedy popcorn man.
It's clear that this fight is going to be about as clean as a Cineplex
floor, and that's not counting the help. Yes, this fight will not just
be between men, but between their respective home states.
You see, as fellow Kentuckians, Bo and Luke Duke aren't going to just
sit there while Sanders and Redenbacher duke it out. No, they'll slip
out of Hazzard County at twilight, adding the General Lee to the
Colonel's arsenal. But Redenbacher has a "General" of his own, fellow
Hoosier Bobby Knight, and a half dozen Indycars en route to the
Cathedral of Speed, the Indianapolis 500, ought to give the General Lee
a run for its Confederate money. Add in Rick Pitino and Ernest P.
Worrell on the Kentucky side, and David Lee Roth, John Cougar
Mellencamp, and Michael Jackson on the Hoosier side, and...
forget it, just forget it. I can't even begin to comprehehend the epic
battle that would take place. And I haven't even factored in Abraham
Lincoln yet. Maybe I can get it all figured out by the time the Grudge
Match changes...but it's just too, too hard.
All I do know is that the real fight begins when the horses from the
Kentucky Derby show up, because right behind them is the infield crowd
from said contest. When they meet the infield crowd from the 500 (who
happen to be passing through Centerville as well), all hell will break
loose. The riot will rage on for weeks, finally quelled when Jim
Neighbors (who always opens the 500 with a song) will sooth the savage
crowds with his voice, accompanied by Michael Jackson, with John Cougar
Mellencamp on guitar (David Lee Roth went down in a suicide mission over
The Limited). The battle ended, they will look around to see Orville
Redenbacher picking himself up off the ground and dusting himself off,
and the Colonel...mysteriously gone...
The apparent winner(?): Orville Redenbacher.
- Dave C.
Alas, we'll never see a fair match-up of these two. Orville mops the
floor with the Colonel, but only because he's been weakened, a shadow of
his former self.
The Colonel, you see, has had other battles to fight. Between
holding off Ronald McDonald & his henchmen (Grimace is known as 'Maddog'
in the underworld), and Dave Thomas, Antichrist[TM], the colonel is far too beleaguered to put up much of a
fight. The popcorn world, on the other hand, has few spokesmen of name
that could challenge the Iron Fist of Redenbacher.
A moment of silence for the Colonel,
- Potato Ears
Sanders lives a happy life killing chicken, and Redenbacher would be
buried six feet under in a microwaveable bag. End of story.
- Randall P. Wright
The Colonel has numerous paper-hatted Gen-Xers at his disposal, but
the Big O has his dorky grandson.
The question is this: Who would benefit most by a win or loss?
Whether the Colonel loses, the Gen-Xers don't get anything. They'll
still make their minimum wage (plus all the potato wedges they can
eat).
Orville's grandson, on the other hand, has a vested interested. If
Orville wins, the grandson will probably get to make another stupid
commercial and rake in a few bucks. However, if the Colonel could dish
out enough punishment to seriously debilitate or even (shudder) kill the
Elder Redenbacher, Grandson stands to take over the whole company!
Is the Colonel capable of this level of cruelty? If you've ever eaten
KFC's mashed potatoes with gravy, then you already know the answer to
this.
The Colonel wins in a fixed match!
- Pear Man
Obviously, the spectre whose company has done more to profane his
memory will have more undead rage to call upon to inflict damage on
his opponent. That means the Colonel has it ALL over that spindly old
nerd, Redenbacher!
LOST GOLDEN ROTISSERIE RECIPE, my ASS! THEY JUST MADE THAT CRAP UP!
NOW THEY GOT A $3.95 CHICKEN POT PIE?!?!???
THE DAMN THINGS COST A QUARTER AT THE PIGGLEY-WIGGLEY!!!
Sure, Orville's company is marketing some kind of crappy orange
colored mess and calling it Microwave Cheese Popcorn, but the
humiliation from that is minor compared to what ol' KFC Corp. is doing
to the Colonel's memory.
GAME OVER -- Colonel Sanders leaves the Mall to find a set of
high-priced undead Lawyers to perform the ultimate "hostile takeover"
of his own corporation.
- Steve Grape, Dallas, Texas.
- Cory Davis, University of Kentucky
- Lord Axe, University of Wisconsin
- Sean Givan
- Steven R. Van Hook
The battle will draw out for days. Clearly, this is a war of attrition.
So why will Orville win? Its not the popcorn cluster bombs, or the
Gatling Goober Gun (tm), or even the dreaded Liquorice Cat o' Nine Tails.
This is war, and while armchair generals discuss tactics, strategy,
intelligence, and maneuvering, real generals talk logistics.
You see, when (by day three), the food court becomes an overrun eyesore
which will be avoided by the sissy civillians and subhuman rodents (oops,
I mean teenagers). The wasteland of the once proud pavillion will be
plastered with the pasty white decaying corpses of consumers caught in
the crossfire. And noone, I mean noone, will be feeling very hungry.
However, a great many people, seeking some escape from this landscape of
apocalyptic intensity, will want to forget about it. They'll want some
escape, some way of putting aside the terrible war around them. And
being the unimaginative parasites that normally travel malls, they'll
want to see a movie. While each man's suppliers have long since
abandoned them for safer and more profitable customers, Orville has the
power to gather the supplies he needs. After all, noone ever actually
buys anything at movie theaters. Instead they buy candy at the local
convenience store, then sneak it into the theater. After a few
'accidental' deaths in a darkened theatre, Orville has his chance. When
the Colonel is tossing his last piece of corn bread and maybe slinging his
emergancy supply of mashed potatoes, Orville relentlessly advances,
preparing to finally mash a two day old, molding stolen cinnabun (tm)
down his arch nemesis's throat.
Orville has his grandson (a dweeb just like gramps) help him on screen and
the youngster is always dissing the poor guy--even though it's the O-man's
company. So, no support there.
The Colonel has the entire population of Lake Edna all hopped up on the
aforementioned spices--and they're cheering like people possessed by all of
the chickens that ever gave a wing for a good cause.
Bouyed on this wave of support the San-man stuffs a biscuit into Red's
mouth, batter into his nostrils and then slaps him repeatedly across the
face with the skin left over from that new Skinless (tm) chicken. The
popcorn man asphyxiates before Sanders has to change skins.
- kalamazo
-JAGRmeister
Considering that this mall's security, if they actually have security,
allows walking corpses to make popped popcorn deliveries at 2am, I feel safe
in assuming that this is one low-rent establishment. If they actually hire
exterminators, it probably involves a couple of illegal aliens with
baseball bats shouting "AQUI PESTY, PESTY!" This place is probably infested
with rats and other vermin. And since this place hasn't been condemned, they
are probably hiding and are EXTREMELY hungry.
They have two corpses to chose from. Now which would you eat? The Colonel
is covered with "finger-licking"(tm) chicken. I suppose that makes Sanders
"finger-eating" good. Orville is covered with dry popcorn, tasteless
Twizzlers(tm), stale Goobers(tm) and six-week-old Milk Duds(tm). Even rats
are smart enough to know that's not food. Barring a platoon of army ants
going through serious sugar withdraw, Orville's body should be well
preserved the next day to be given another proper burial. As for Colonel
Sanders, there won't be enough of him left to fill one of those chicken
buckets.
Orville Redenbacher wins by a funeral. THE RATS EAT GOOD TONIGHT!
- Paul Golba
- Kris Schnee
- Jeffrey Kolb, Hamilton College
- ELISABETH TOMCZYK
Plus, Colonel Sanders has shown a greater range of menu selections than
Orville. He's able to add new flavors and recipes to his menu, whereas
Orville has to depend on new popcorn seasonings and other candy bar
manufacturers for his weapons. So while Orville might be able be to add new
Napalm and Cyanide Butter Flavoring to his popcorn, the colonel could flood
Orville's forces with Rotisserie Gold Atom Bombs and Chicken Chunks Hand
Grenades.
So Orville will be easily bested in this onslaught, IMHO.
- Zikzak23
- Don Royer
- kopchek
- E
- M. "Chicken Boy" Lorenz
And there's the rub; what we have here are two fortifications, Saunders in
his chicken palace and Redenbacher behind his stale-popcorn-sandbags.
This _isn't_ a man-to-man fight. So, what does better against
fortifications? Artillery, obviously. While Redenbacher's jellybeans and
Twizzlers patter harmlessly off Saunders' plywood armor, Saunders' buckets
of chicken will smash through the piles of popcorn and the grease will
make them all soggy. The reasonable conclusion is that Saunders will win.
But that's not what happens! As everyone knows, mall food courts are
overrun with cockroaches and other vermin. During the day, they hide away
from sight. Sleeping in their little roach hotels, they save their energy
for the nightly feast to come!! As the sun sets and the lights go out, the
loathsome masses stir and wave their little feelers. Fat and torpid from
their rich diet, they normally just crawl around picking up the offerings
the store owners leave out to appease them and stop them from ruining
business by jumping into deep fryers and pretending to be Chicken
McNuggets. The roaches rule subtly, by fear and sinister reputation.
But tonight, as the battle rages, the smell of sugar and grease wafts
down to the waking hordes. Driven wild with hunger, they burst forth as a
mass and flood the battlefield! Like a swarm of six-legged pirhana in a
feeding frenzy (which is actually something that sharks do, not pirhana,
but bear with me), they sweep the floor clean of the spent ammunition.
Then they turn on the two horrified combattants, skeletonizing them within
two minutes. Most of the roaches burst from overeating, and the rest can't
fit in their roach-holes any more. But the damage is done; the Grudge
Match is ruined by outside influence. This is almost as bad as the
"Spadger Incident" during the Gump-Rainman match, but not as funny to
watch.
- Bryan Derksen
The war is more or less a stalemate at first, when Sanders decides he's
had enough of this playing around, and unleashes his ultimate weapon:
live chickens from the stock room (the only way for them to be
really fresh)! At least two dozen bezerk birds squawk their way
across the food court to Redenbacher and... snack on the popcorn bunker.
While he's laughing his head off at having disabled this "ultimate
weapon", he grabs one of the birds by the neck to get it out of his way.
Anyone can tell you: Don't choke your chicken, you'll go blind. Our poor
popcorn boy Orville learns this the hard way as two swift pecks punch
through his glasses and remove his eyes. Thrashing about blindly,
Redenbacher crashes into the drink machine and a few buckets of popcorn.
Sticky and covered in popcorn, he makes an enticing target for any
crazed chicken, and they proceed to peck him to death.
YYYEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!
- Brian Blovett
Look at the man....sincerity, truth, justice!! Pat Buchanan would be
proud to let the man serve on his Cabinet. A proprietor who does his own
commercials. And brings his family into the deal. (In my humble opinion
Dave from Wendy's would kill 'em both)
- Jason
- Harry
- Yardbird
Orville can begin by firing up the Cornado (industrial sized popcorn popper).
Leaving the top off it, those hot oily kernels will start zinging out like a
BB gun gone berzerk (and you don't know pain until one goes down your shirt!)
He can dump a gallon of DressAll (tm) (the flavored soybean oil that passes
for butter) on the floor to throw Sanders off balance. When he's down for
the count, Redenbacher can then stuff week old hotdogs in his mouth and
render him temporarily queasy (temporarily because the Colonel must have
built up an immunity to salmonella by now!)
A quick follow up with a pound of Sour Patch Kids (tm) will start getting
Sanders' stomach moaning with protest. As he tries to maneuver Orville onto
his new Rotissiere (for the Rotissiere Gold TM), Orville can grab a squeeze
bottle of mustard (for the pretzels) and blind Sanders, then grab a stanchion
(those metal things that the velvet ropes hang off of) and beat Sanders over
the head with it! While Sanders is desperately reaching for sporks (having
difficulty removing the individual plastic wrap)...Orville's final KO...he
will show Sanders the prices charged for the concession items. When Sanders
sees that a large tub of popcorn and some Twizzlers cost twice what his 13
pc. bucket of chicken with biscuits costs, he will grab his heart and have a
coronary.
Redenbacher...the WINNER!!!!!
- LisMookie
- kARMA
Grimace, hurls the chicken leg (or were there in fact two chicken legs
fired?) from behind the grassy knoll. Orville turns, and seeing
only Sanders, the battle ensues. Orville, reaches deep into
his bag of popcorn which, despite his claims, does not pop evenly.
He grabs a handful of unpopped kernels and whings them across the
floor. Suddenly Sanders is adrift on a sea of marbles, he quickly
loses his footing and goes down, hard. Orville tries to close,
but also loses his footing on the kernels and goes down, hard.
Hundreds of Fry Guys descend on the prone figures and pummel them
to death. The Hamburgler, being very familiar with forensics, doctors
up the crime scene with hundres of chicken legs and lots of popcorn.
The Centerville PD will quickly come to the conclusion that both
men managed to kill each other in a barage of food. One month
later Ronald sets up shop in Centerville.
- Eric Klinker
As covered in your debate, Brian and Steve, the Colonel is going to have
the advantage in terms of diet. Now popcorn makes a fine, healthy treat,
and it will make your trips to the porcelain god as satisfying as they
are productive, but I can personally testify as to the powerful
carbohydrate energies to be found in fried chicken. Suffice it to say
that the Colonel is simply going to be stronger, faster...better. Not
only that, fried chicken makes you think more clearly(how else did he
come up with his elusive combination of herbs and spices?), so the
Colonel will have the mental edge, and he's got the coleslaw action
going. Coleslaw is loaded with Vitamin C, and I think I saw some carrots
in there once, so we're probably talking K, maybe E, some B12 - we're
talking major nutrition, baby. Redenbacher, on the other hand, just has
the fiber. Fiber, and sodium. Oh, and a massive dose of niacin and
riboflavin from all the candy bars. So, maybe he's not in such bad shape
after all, but he's still operating at a significant disadvantage.
At the same time, the popcorn is going to have excellent projectile
properties, and with Redenbacher's advanced genetic research he'll no
doubt be packing some impressive firepower. Dispensing with the mundane
yellow and white varieties, Ol' Orville will go for exotic armor
piercing, high-explosive, and incendiary kernels. The best the Colonel
is going to be able to muster in terms of conventional weapons is maybe
a frozen chicken or two, and let's face it: the portions keep getting
smaller and smaller.
Faced with a clear disadvantage in conventional armaments, the Colonel
will be forced to break treaty and go with nonstandard weaponry fueled
by his enhanced intellect - flaming grease throwers, Original Recipe(TM)
nerve gas (made with 7 herbs and spices), macaroni and cheese(have you
seen the macaroni and cheese he serves?). Once the Colonel brings these
babies to bear, Orville will be overcome quickly, well before his
research team can develop effective countermeasures with the Buttery
Topping(TM).
Sanders wins it, after an ugly all-out battle in the trenches.
- Dave C.
Who will win? It depends on what you believe. In your heart, to
you believe good will finally triumph over the forces of evil or do you
feel we are all doomed? Each of us must make that decision for
ourselves.
- user@law.emory.edu
It's at that moment that the Colonel snatches a
drumstick from his bucket. Brandishing it like a dagger, he
charges toward his foe, only to be blinded by a deft toss
of Garlic and Herb (tm) Butter Lover's popcorn. Sanders
desperately claws at his eyes, but it's too late... since
Butter Lover's popcorn is the most caustic substance known
to man, his eyes as well as half his face have sizzled
away, leaving a grotesque partially covered skull behind.
Sanders gropes around madly in a futile attempt to catch
Orville, who dodges him easily and takes the opportunity to
connect with an inexplicably mighty Mortal Kombat-style
uppercut.
Sanders shoots out of the mall as if tied to a rocket.
Worried at first, he looks down and decides to enjoy the
scenery, since it doesn't appear that he'll be coming down
any time soon. It's at that point that he crashes head
first into an aircraft transporting (what else?) chickens
to Argentina. Even with half his face gone, the chickens
have no trouble identifying him as the man responsible for
the deaths of millions of their comrades, and proceed to
decapitate him with their razor sharp talons. Unsupported,
the torso and legs of the good Colonel hurtles back to
Earth and falls in, ironically enough, a conveniently
located vat of boiling fast food grease, where the corpse
sizzles away and becomes one big Crispy Strip (tm).
Redenbacher cackles with glee as he stands victorious
over the remains of his archnemesis. Reaching into a bag
filled to the brim with his newest invention, Orville's
Movie Theatre Popcorn(tm), Orville happily munches away,
only to be interrupted by a small woman in a lab coat.
"Excuse me, sir, but did you know that the popcorn from
movie theatres has 70 times as much fat as a Big Mac(tm)?"
"Holy shift keys! That wouldn't be saturated fat, would
it?!"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"Oh, no! And I'm on a cholestoral-restricted diet!"
With that, Orville clutches his chest in agony, then
drops dead of a heart attack, making his victory the most
short-lived of any competitor in the WWWF Grudge Match.
- Maneki-Neko
1. His wardrobe. That Southern Gentleman look always works, except between
Labor Day and Memorial Day, of course.
2. He can dump boiling gravy down from the ramparts onto Orville. Now,
don't tell me boiling popcorn oil or butter is better for this, because THEY
don't congeal into a hard brown mass, effectively freezing the enemy like he
was playing statue tag. Gravy is groovy.
- Alev123
- Dan
Youth would have been a big factor in this match-up except for one little
detail. They're both DEAD!! So we need to look at another variable-
Decomposition factor. Orville has been dead less time than Harland, therefore
more muscle tone and faster reaction time.
Speculation on my part, but I suspect that they both probably have a high
pain threshold.
Both have really wimpy first names, which probably insured that they'd each
get the crap kicked out of them every day in school. Slight advantage to
Orville, who has a more menacing last name.
Other factors favoring the 'Viller:
1) Better eyesight (few are aware that Harland lost his right eye in a
deep-fryer explosion in the late sixties). Lack of depth perception and
lateral vision will severely cripple his battle plan.
2) Bigger bow tie. (this speaks for itself)
3) May be a coincidence but the name Redenbacher is German for "butcher of
whiskered ones"
No, the Harlmeister might as well take his Santa-Claus lookin’,
white-suit-wearin’, chicken-tender deep fryin’, southern talkin’ tired-ass
excuse for a poultry mogul and raise his white flag in defeat now.
Two weapons at the Colonel's disposal scare me though:
1) The Bucket. I don't know why. Maybe it's that bad childhood memory from my
day at the beach when I was four.... but Orville, for God's sake.. BEWARE
THE BUCKET!!! *
2) Burning-hot KFC Coffee. There are no lawsuits in war but there have been
many a scalded crotch.
* I know Orville will have access to popcorn buckets but these are not in the
same league as the chicken buckets.
- DarioR111
- Sobolews
- Dave McGee
I'm going with Orvil because "Colonel" is a gentlemen title in
Kentucky. This vanity in flashing this false military rank is what will
lead to his downfall.
- IRL
Orville grows corn. Chickens eat corn; Orville feeds chickens. Chickens
therefore like Orville Redenbacher.
Colonel Sanders slaughters chickens by the million. He is the chicken
Hitler.
With a little preparation, Orville could have a junta of security
chickens with him whenever he feels he is in danger. Chickens, famous for
being among the most vicious animals on Earth, would attack the hated
Colonel Sanders with kamikaze-like disregard for their own safety. With
enough chickens appearing from the shadows, Harland Sanders would be a
bloody pulp within seconds.
- Matt-a-roo
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
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© 1996, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC
The Results
Colonel Sanders (641)
deep fries
Orville Redenbacher (344)
and can now take a nap:
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Voter Comments
First of all, we know both of these guys are dead. In the spirit of The
Grudge Match (tm), such things should be ignored and the discussion should
stick to who would win based on abilities, resourses, and outside influences.
Regardless, some funny "Since both are dead" responses were sent in and they
have been included.
RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM)
As the battle begins, the Colonel begins his barrage of various
chicken related items, and Orville sustains some injuries. Cursing
the short range of the popcorn popper, Orville turns to the Slushy(tm)
machine, knowing the high level of toxins in the mix. While preparing
a Slushy grenade, he spills some of the mix on the quickly mounting
pile of fried chicken parts. The pile begins to glow, and soon arms
and legs appear, then, a head...the Radioactive Fried Chicken
Creature(tm) is born! Shrieking horribly, the Creature first turns to
Orville but, driven by the souls of the murdered chickens, it is drawn
to the Colonel. Poor eyesight is the Colonel's downfall, as he
doesn't see the creature lumbering toward him until it is too late.
Grease, batter, and more grease rain down on the Colonel until he
slips out of consciousness. The Creature scoops the Colonel up and
strides off, no doubt to devour his victim in private. Orville has
meanwhile passed out in horror. The cops soon show up, and rouse
Orville to get a story. The story is unbelievably, of course, and
Orville is detained and sent to a mental institution, muttering
"...definitely chickens...corn...definitely keep the corn
away...definitely..." The Colonel's body is never found, and the
Radioactive Fried Chicken Creature is still at large. In related
news, Kenny Rogers and the entire Perdue family have asked to be put
on a government protection program...
ROTW (TM) Silver Medal Winner (TM)
OK. I was going to give this one to Orville, but then I
remembered one critical factor-they're both dead. So I had to vote for
the Colonel, because if they're both dead, then I figure the fight goes
to whoever can stay together the longest. Just as steel reinforces
concrete blocks, so too do clogged arteries reinforce the human frame,
and that chicken is a lot worse than any popcorn, buttered or not.
ROTW (TM) Bronze Medal Winner (TM)
Once again, an evenly matched battle to the end, until the Colonel
begins talking to Orville...
I found the spork comment more than enough to pull for the old Colonel.
1. The col. is a throw back to the old south gentlemen and although a
military man they lost the only war they waged
Now, I must admit that it is a much deeper understanding of the forces at work
then either of you are able to grasp. Let's look at who's really going to battle
here.
Orville tries to bring the Colonel near the Microwave where it might
upset the Colonel's pacemaker-but the Colonel is prepared, and lands a
salvo of chicken pies on Orville, blinding him. By now the Colonel is
truly hacked off, lets loose a 20 peice order of Chicken Nuggets, and
sets up Orville for the kill -- a Bucket of Extra Crispy Breasts.
Orville is viritually motionless, his popcorn, jolly ranchers, and milk
duds at his side. Just when he is gasping for air, the Colonel downs
a pint of his famous baked beans, sits on Orville's face and
suffocates the popcorn wimp with a series of flatulating expulsions.
The Blitzkrieg is done, Orville is dead, and KFC is redeemed!
i gotta go with orville redenbacher on this one. in my view, both
orville and the colonel are dead. so who's taken over the franchises?
well, the redenbacher family name is proudly carried forward by
orville's geeky looking grandson while kfc had to hire some lookalike
actor to fill the role (me, personally, i would have gone with the
professor in the wheelchair from the second "naked gun"(tm) flick).
Family ties are MUCH, MUCH stronger than some rent-an-actor who's
floating from gig to gig just to keep his SAG dues paid.
Since both contestants are now dead this comes down to a battle of
lackeys. Redenbacher's grandson has to contend with an army of
celebrities all backed up and supplied by the powerful forces of
PepsiCo, and he is all alone. He enlists the aid of Siskel and Ebert,
but by then it is too late. Siskel and Ebert begin to fight amongst
themselves over the selection of "Babe" for an academy award
nomination and the poor grandkid is sucked into a bottle along with
that kid from the Pepsi commercials. Game, set, and match.
The Col. will win because he is dead.
Being dead, the cholesterol of the chicken he has eaten will have no
effect on him, yet the PROTEIN will, because grave worms will eat the
chicken in his belly rather than his flesh, thus leaving his muscles
strong for the titanic battle of the undead. Orville is dead, too, but,
eating protein-poor popcorn, the grave worms will eat his flesh into a
maggoty pulp. Eeeugh. And what good is regularity from beyond the grave?
The Colonel. Why? Well, first things first. They are both dead.
(Orville from a heart attack or a rumored drowning in his bathtub...The
Colonel from multiple gunshot wounds and a meaty case of syphilis)
However, lets pretend. Plus, they are now zombies...with CAN'T BE KILLED
tm and ALWAYS RIGHT BEHIND YOU NO MATTER WHAT tm. OK, still even. Lets
look at the emancipated Mr. Redenbacher. Please. He looks like the
Joker. Lets look at the Colonel. No really, get up off your internet
computer, go out of the dark room, into the sun, drive (yes, not
simulated, a car) or walk to KFC. In every lobby, there is a picture of
the Colonel sitting in a chain outside with big dogs...looking like a MAN
is supposed to! He was manly at 89...imagine him in his early years!
Therefore, look at Orville...who does he hang with? Big evil dogs? NO!
His even less manly grandson! C'mon, this guy makes Richard Belzer look
like Ted Arcidi (VERY vague old WWF tm reference, please don't sue grudge
match again, guys). Actually, he might be Richard Belzer (who was
dropped by Mr. T and Hulk Hogan on his old USA talk show...funniest thing
he ever did). So, the Colonel...with dogs in tow and ready to kill, mops
up Orville the emancipated make up wearing popcorn man. His arms break
like twigs! Like chicken bones! HAHAHAH!
Orville Redenbacher will emerge victorious in this contest, as the obese
Colonel Sanders must obviously be intoxicated (as Brian points out) to
attack such a fine physical specemin as Mr. Redenbacher. Orville's lanky,
corn-fed frame can disappear easily into the shadows of the desolate
shopping center leaving the Colonel in a hecto-herbal hallucinatory haze.
>From there he will simply pilfer one of the confused officer's kabobs and
insert it into Sanders' cranium like a knife slicing through cornbread.
Game over. Users are losers and losers are users.
On the one hand, we have Redenbacher. Lanky, wiry - no doubt his sinews
are like steel cables, his hands ready to tear out the Colonel's
gizzards. And look at his eyes on his popcorn jar. Why he could snap at
any minute. Imagine a cross between Henry David Thoreau and the
Terminator.
--Rosencrantz
This one is no contest. The Colonel would win hands down. This guy
rips the nads off chickens and sells it under the name "Popcorn Chicken".
Anybody who'd do that has to be psychotic.
The insults would be flying between them (before the police arrived
and hauled both of their hides away for breaking and entering). Sanders
would be yelling at him for sending so many people to the dentist because
they can't get popcorn out of their teeth. Redenbacher would be telling
Sanders about how unhealthy his chickens are because of the twenty
thousand volts that go through them to kill them, which scares the
bejesus out of the chickens, making them produce a phermone which makes
their meat bad. Eventually, Sanders would snap and let fly with his
pointed cane, which would strike Redenbacher in the head and kill him
instantly. The police would arrive, arrest Sanders, and see the dead
popcorn king with a cane sticking out of his forehead. The police would
drag Sanders away, and he would be found guilty of murder, but the judge
would take pity on him because he's so old and release him--after which,
the judge would get free chicken, potatos, and biscuits for the rest of
his life (something no one would ever know about).
This fight is so evenly matched that it's going to come down to who has
the better "pit crew."
[Well], both participants are pushing up the daisies and have been for quite
some time. I'd venture to say that the Colonel has been dead longer, however,
having seen the last couple of Orville's commercials with his "son"
(some poor actor geek in nerd glasses and new suspenders) -- it's a
tough call. (Orville could have been stuffed like Norman Bates' Mom
and the "son" may be just a great ventriloquist!)
Granted, Orville did die recently. However, you have to give the man
points for dying in a hot tub the way he did, and at his age too!
- Heather >:)
Orville throws a monster fountain drink at the colonel, when
Spaceball 1, which has just gone at REALLY IMPOSSIBLY REDICULOUS
LUDICROUS SPEED (tm), which has effects similar to the Infinite
Improbability Drive (tm), so Spaceball 1, with its other Colonel Sanders,
transforms into Mega Maid (tm) and sets down and makes a clean sweep of
the mall. Factor going to the Colonel.
Someone
with a name like Orville is going to be MEAN. "The Colonel" is a name
that conjures images of stately old men drinking gin and tonics in the
Ritz lounge. Orville makes you think of a fat kid in kindergarten eating
paste. A lifetime of Hatred(TM) and Anger(TM) will bubble up, and Orville
will become a human tank, completely unstoppable. Meanwhile, the aggressor
will think fondly of gin & tonics, and begin to wander off. This, of
course, is a dreadful mistake, and he recieves a painful popcorn enema.
Game over.
You've got to understand one important factor: grease. When you
pick up a bucket of crispy KFC, you can actually hear the little
bubbly frying of high-temperature fat globules. Forget all those
stupid candy giblets that Orville is hurling; one sticky drumstick
hurtling through the air at 200'C and 40 mph is the same as an
exploding canister of napalm. Orville goes down, fatally torched
with third-degree burns.
With a name like "Orville Redenbacher" you know this guy has been
slugging it out since his toddler days. He knows how to take a punch,
and can probably deliver one or two. The Colonel, a good-natured huggable
sort, has surely not suffered the same pugilistic past. Redenbacher pops
Saunders, leaving him plucked in five.
Let's face it, both have superheated oil, granted. Both have those
infradead lights that keep the hot stuff lukewarm. The frying fat and
popcorn oil napalm that both will shoot will be easily neutralized by a
the ample supplies of seltzer. Neither carry the kind of long range,
butt wrenchingly powerful ammunition needed to carry on a war at range.
It comes down to who has the most backing; so I'll refer to the latest
advertisements of each combatant.
For some reason, I see Orville going completely insane. As Orville
reels from a glue-like mashed potato container missile, a Chinese fast
food worker asks him if he wants bourbon chicken and tries offering him
a sample on a toothpick. Orville freaks and stabs the toothpick through
the questioner's left eye. Then Orville somersaults over the standard
food court table to the Frank-&-Stein(tm) counter, grabs two weenies and
throws them viciously at the Colonel. Unfortunately one of those
belonged to the manager of the Frank-&-Stein who lays down and dies from
the Bobbitizing attack. Now Orville, still in a rage, reaches over and
(to the delight of the entire world) rips the still beating heart out of
his grandson. Count'em, three people dead and we haven't even made it to
the Colonel yet. Finally, Orville armed with only an all new Arby's
Universe size Roast Beef(tm) leaps over the counter smothering the
Colonel and stands the victor.
Almost immediately, both realize that they are stone dead and collapse on
the floor, pulling the contents of the counters on top of themselves in a
vain attempt to remain standing. Then the Grudge Match(tm) REALLY begins.
Keep in mind that Orville has a more versatile arsenal at his disposal.
While Sanders is only armed with various chicken-related weaponry, his
opponent has all kinds of candy and junk food to use. Think about it.
Orville puts a bag of popcorn on a time delay and throws it past the
Colonel. It explodes in midflight, showering the Colonel in kernels of
popcorn and distracting him. While Sanders isn't looking, Orville sneaks up
behind him and strangles him with a Twizzler! Or he could make a blow-gun
out of an extra-large soda straw and fill the air with Skittles travelling at
85 MPH, knocking Sanders out. The Colonel's agressive nature as a butcher
makes him charge towards Orville's defenses, where he slips on the
accumulated chicken and popcorn grease on the floor. Orville wins, hands
(wings?) down.
This was a close call, but I finally had to vote for the Colonel. Due to
the intense effort, both combatants will be breathing with their mouths
open. Thus, some of the food thrown will get in their mouths. If you
inhale a popcorn kernel, it's unpleasant, but not fatal. If, on the
other hand, you get a drumstick thrown down your throat, you are in
serious trouble, especially with nobody present to do the Heimlich
maneuver. Thus, Orville chokes on a KFC drumstick.
You never know, those green
M&M's are supposed to make you horny, Redenbacher could spike the
Colonels food with them and then while the Colonel is jerking off
behind the ammo shack, WHAM, Redenbacher snuck up and planted a
popcorn bomb right next to the colonel blowing up in such force to
send the colonel to Chicken heaven.
Okay, in my opinion Orville is dead meat. First of all, Orville looks like a
wimp, the classic nerd. He probably fights like a girl, throwing his popcorn
underhand and squealing every time he gets hit. No backbone. He'd probably
end the fight when it got too rough.
Remember that Orville has lots of children and grand-children that all
look like him (remember the TV Ads). When the Colonel approaches the
bunker that Orville has constructed out of stale popcorn bags, they will
all jump out and attack using the worst weapon of all - STICKY GOO (the
stuff you scrape up from movie theater floors). The Colonel doesn't have
a chance. He's instantly immobilized. The massed Orville children then
force feed him popcorn til he busts!! Orville in 5 minutes!!
The fight will heavily favour the Col., when the tide turns as Orville is
on his last breath. His "grandson", Gary (i like how Letterman referred
to him as Orville's traveling companion) will intercede in the match by
tossing Orville a pair of suspenders. Orville will use these to choke
out the Col., as well as cutting off the supply of chicken to his
stomach, the only fuel the Col. can use.
Simply a matter of firepower. Orville not only has the afore mentioned
items at his disposal, he also has an ample supply of "hot" nacho cheese
and hotdogs that have been roasting on the rollergrill (TM) all week
long. Fashioning a crude water balloon slingshot (TM) out of hoses from
the Coke (TM) machine and a small popcorn tub, Orville would bombard the
colonel into submission with these projectiles. Slowly he he walks over
and and finishes the colonel by dumpung the remains of the grese vat
(TM) into the colonel's mouth proped open by fear and his difficulty
breathing.
No doubt about it, the Colonel will win this battle of the dead junk
food czars. Here's why: condiments. If you compare the effects of frozen
chickens vs. chicklets it is a close match, perhaps even a no call.
However, have you ever tried KFC's cole slaw, or mashed potatoes or
(god forbid) the potato salad? These are truly weapons of mass destruction.
All the Colonel has to do is loft a few ladles worth of side dishes
(definitely "long range" weapons) behind the "impenetrable" wall of stale
popcorn and Orville will be begging for mercy. In fact, I'm a little
nauseous just thinking about the consequences of such a brutal attack.
Final Tally: Colonel Sanders over Orville and his snivelling grandson
in about 3 minutes.
At first glance, the match looks like a fairly straightforward tactical
analysis. Saunders has the heavy artillery, slow-firing but massively
destructive (Compare getting boiling grease or a frozen chicken in the
face to being pelted with gumdrops and peanuts). Redenbacher has
thousands of small fast-firing projectiles; he is the equivalent of a
machine gun nest. Redenbacher would be devastating against advancing
infantry, if Saunders had any.
Sporks aren't as useless as you might think. Mr. Sanders, realizing that
Orville has the distance advantage, will construct a makshift catapult
by melting some sporks together. Armed with his Mega-Spork(tm), he will
proceed to hurl frozen chickens and buckets o' fried chicken parts at
Orville, who will find much of his artillery turned against him as
Colonel Sanders launches the raisinettes, jujubes, etc right back at
Redenbacher with still more sporks.
I believe this contest proves just how easily our culture has become
misled by the powers of marketing. Don't let that healthy-looking picture
on the KFC (tm) bucket-o-bird fool you. And that "Colonel" title as
well. 7 herbs and spices?? Sure, but four of them are salt and pepper.
While tasty, this combination lacks the true staying power needed to
propel the wizened old faux military man against a bastion of American
Decency (tm) like Orville.
Admiral Halsey once said ' I never trust a fighting
man who doesn't drink and smoke.' Redenbacher is a
straight arrow while Col. Sanders is a dixie redneck
who was undoubdetly a hell raiser in his younger days.
Sanders won't even break a sweat. Redenbacher will end
up in tears.
The Colonel is an old-style southern gentleman
(string tie and all), and although given a bad name in the late seventies
by Boss Hog of Hazard county, are known for their skills at overcoming
the less manly (See "Deliverance"). The Colonel would have the wimpy
Reddenweiner(TM) squealing like a pig in no time flat.
Orville has a veritable plethora of weapons at his disposal in this battle.
The Cornel in about 30 Seconds. Here's how.
Cornel Sanders relizes that most of his wepons lack long range of
Redenbockers. He grabs a Spork (TM) and uses it as a catapult to fling
mashed potatoes. The Mashed potatoes land directly on Redenbocker's face.
As we all know KFC's powdered mashed potatoes are made out of the same stuff
as quick drying cement. Ovil trys desperatly to pry the substance off of his
face but to no avail. Redenbocker eventualy trips over some Skittles(TM) and
lands head first into a vat of boiling Movie Theater Butter Flavered Syrup.
Game over! Cornel Wins!! Fatality!!!!!!
There was one key element that was overlooked in the setting...
the hulking figure crouching behind the grassy knoll. Grimace.
You see, Ronald McDonald has been eyeing the lucrative theatre
business for some time. His line of McMilk Duds, McM&M's,
and McMalted Milk Balls are sure to be a hit. Not to mention
the big bag of buttered Big Macs. Feature films such as
McRumble in the Bronx (Jackie Chan meets the Fry Guys), McBroken
Arrow, and McHellraiser will draw people by the thousdands.
(This McMovie Marquee thing could have gone on forever...-ek)
One person stands in his way...Orville. So having dispatched
his trusty henchman, Grimace, he can eliminate this obstacle once
and for all. And it will all look like Sanders' doing...Ronald
can hardly believe his luck.
Allow me to reconsider my previous analysis. I am going to have to let
others with better historical background cover the Indiana vs. Kentucky
debate. Instead I will focus on the food.
This time you have clearly deliniated the classic battle between good
and evil. Orville Redenbacher has to be simply the nicest guy ever to
walk the face of the earth. With his kindly ways, his concern that all
of us eat enough of his healthy snack, his old-fashioned bow ties, and
(lest we forget) his plain old family values, Orville is the symbol of
the American heartland. With his grandchildren all around him, Orville
is a Norman Rockwell painting come to life whereas Sanders must have been
the meanest somnabich in history. A notorious racist, Sanders ran his
empire with an iron fist and a white hood. It's said he was buried face
down so he could see where he was going. People came to his funeral just
to make sure he was dead.
The twin titans of overmanufactured, overpriced food
square off... the Colonel with his bucket of Extra Crispy
(tm)(r)(c)(k? I don't think so), and Orville with his
AK-47, custom-designed to fire 100 rounds of unpopped dud
kernals in the blink of an eye. Sinister glances are
exchanged. Sweat glistens on their decrepit, brittle bodies
as Redenbacher's eyebrow raises in a challenge to his
mortal enemy.
I think the Colonel has a few other things going for him:
Col. Sanders takes the offensive...He quickly grabs a plastic spray bottle
and starts filling it with KFC Hot Wing(TM) sauce. His face is contorted
by hatred, it bears the same evil smile as Private Pyle sports in Full
Metal Jacket(TM). Meanwhile, Orville is trying desperately to assemble
some sort of defense. He fills a large soda cup with butter and dumps it
all over the floor in front of the counter. Then he starts throwing whole
scoop fulls of Runts(TM) on the floor. This ultra-slippery mine field
is his best hope. He fumbles through his pocket for a lighter, hoping to
light the butter when the Col. stumbles in to it. Unfortunatetly Sanders
is fast approaching, armed with the spray bottle, and a red hot kabob
stick!!! He hits the butter field and takes a hard spill. Redenbacher
hops the counter to make the kill but Sanders is just too determined!!! He
sprays the Hot Wing(TM) sauce directly in Orville's face, blinding him
totally. It drips from his eyebrows right in to his defenseless eyes.
The disoriented Redenbacher rushes blindly at Sanders only to be met by
the red hot kabob. Sanders plunges it directly into his trachea and
shouts in triumph!!! Sanders drags the butter soaked Redenbacher accross
the food court and tosses him into the deap fryer. Sanders laughs evily
as the moonlight sparkles on the buttery, blood streaked drag marks.
Sure the Colonel has a military ranking (which branch of the military is
still unclear), but he has never seen any serious action. The most dangerous
battle he "fought" in was the "Extra Crispy (tm) vs. Original Recipe (tm)"
maneuver of 1978. Sure, there were casualties but it was reported that
kitchen staff were never really in any real danger.
And are we really supposed to back a guy who hasn't been promoted in over 40
years?
That puts him alongside such underachievers as Captain Kangaroo and Colonel
Mustard!!
Watch out Colonel. Despite your cunning and expertise at weilding
those deadly breasts of yours (chicken that is). The popcorn
magnate's onslaught will prove irresistable. Mr, Reddenbacher's
winning stragedy would commence with the deployment of two
steaming hot bags of microwave popcorn. Sanders would obviously
have to defend himself by raising his hands. The scalding bags
would burn the colonels fingers, leaving him open to Orville's
assault. A combination of repeated lashes from Twizzlers (tm)
and the unbearable sub zero freeze of an ice cold sno-cone(tm)
would subdue the colonel and provide an excellent opportunity
for Reddenbacher to go in for the kill. In the end, a jubilated
Orville would embrace his teary eyed son...
One only has to remember, Orville has at hand the hot oil? used in
making the theater popcorn. Once he throws a few buckets of this on
his opponent, the Colonel will be writhing on the floor in agony.
At this point Orville can decide to end it in many ways, perhaps
drowning the Colonel in Classic Coke(tm) or suffocating him with Jr.
Mints(tm) or maybe he could torture The helpless Colonel first with
the Colonels own Sporks(tm).
Orville wins, as soon as the popcorn's ready.
Who ever wins, this is going to be an expensive fight. KFC is no bargin
place, and you know about movie concession stands. This fight might
surpass the US military budget real quick.
As evidenced in the scenario, Orville has been prepared for the imminent
battle with Colonel Sanders for some time. If he is prepared, he has one
major advantage. Chickens.
Pop'N'Fresh v. Mr. Peanut
Caine, the geriatric Kung Fu fighter v. Walker, the washed-up Texas Ranger
Grudge Match™ does Madison Avenue™
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