The Setting

What commercial icon remains standing after the brawl for the 60 second Super Bowl Spotlight®.

Pop'N'Fresh®

vs.

Mr. Peanut®

The Commentary

In addition, Mr. Peanut has a hard peanut-shell armor. He's virtually indestructible behind that tough outer skin. Alas, Doughboy is like a fat slug ready to be stepped on in comparison. There is also the training factor. Mr. Peanut (notice how everyone calls him "Mister") has an air of class about him -- definitely an aristocrat. Everyone knows that those rich boys always learn some skill like fencing or judo. Pop'N'Fresh will be defenseless against this trained foe since he likely has no such skills of his (her?) own. Forecast: Biscuits for dinner tonight!

BRIAN: You, sir, are completely insane. Not slightly screwy or mildly eccentric, but completely insane. To think that "Mr." Peanut (notice Pop'N'Fresh doesn't call him "Mister") could even last two seconds with my Dough-boy® is ludicrous. Look at Peanut. For one he's top heavy. One shove from Pop'N'Fresh and down for the count ("I've fallen..."). Second, he's got no muscle to speak of. Yeah, Doughboy's a bit flabby, but he's got some power under there. Peanut's just a hollow shell with sticks for limbs. Third, just look at him! Top hat, spats, cane, monocle: he's an aristocratic pansy. Sure he fences -- with pads all over his body and a cage on his face so he won't hurt himself. He's probably got a Cork On His Fork® as well. I'll bet a bagazillion dollars that he plays polo because he doesn't have enough athletic ability to play any other "sport". He's the Prince Charles of the Commericial World.

Pop'N'Fresh, though, is the Sumo Champion of the Commerical World. Peanut steps forward and jabs The Doughboy right in the gut with his cane. Pop'N'Fresh, of course, laughs in his face. As the cane bounces back out, Peanut is thrown on his butt and his "tough outer skin" shatters on impact. Pop'N'Fresh all the way!

STEVE: First of all, we both know that "top heavy" has nothing to do with it. You also like the popsicle from the "Let's go out to the Kitchen" commercial, and he is even more top heavy than Mr. Peanut.

Another important factor that comes into play in this contest is that Mr. Peanut has some heavyweights pulling for him upstairs. You can bet that Jimmy Carter is pulling strings to have Mr. Peanut win this battle. Pop'N'Fresh has no such backing, and will stand alone against the mighty peanut empires of the world. On second thought, I'm willing to bet that Pop'N'Fresh does have one friend, the Hamburger Helper Hand®. The only way he can help though is to act even more cutesy than Pop'N'Fresh, and possibly annoy Mr. Peanut to death.

BRIAN: I could sit here and argue about the cast of "Let's Go Out to the Kitchen" (tm) all day, but that's not the subject at hand. To clarify, I do like the popsicle -- to take that wimp of a cookie. The popsicle couldn't hold his own against Pop'N'Fresh.

Anyway, the fact that you list Jimmy Carter as an asset verifies that you are completely insane. What does Jimmy do? He creates peace everywhere. Israel/Egypt, Haiti, the list goes on. Whenever he is involved in anything even remotely confrontational (e.g. Iran Hostage rescues), it's a complete disaster. Carter's interference seals Peanut's fate.

And, finally, I'd like to discuss this monocle of Mr. Peanut's. You see a monocle, what do you think of? 1.) The British. Well, Pop'N'Fresh is all-American, and you don't have to be a history major to know that Pop'N'Fresh's boys have already bailed Peanut's boys out of two world wars. 2.) Colonel Klink. Complete ineptitude. So bad, in fact, that he couldn't even handle Colonel Blake. 'Nuff said.

The Results

Pop'N'Fresh (727)

cracks

Mr. Peanut (635)

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Voter Comments

BEAVIS: "This Winger video sucks, change it."
BUTTHEAD:  "uhh, ok"  Click.

BUTTHEAD: "Whoa, a pizza comercial."
BEAVIS: "Yeah, pizza rules, it rules."

BUTTHEAD: "uhhhuuh huhhh huhhuh....peanut."
BEAVIS: "Whoa, check it out Butthead, its that fat guy from the tire
	commercial."
BUTTHEAD: "No Dumbass, thats, like, the Pullsbarney Dough Boy, or 
	something."
BEAVIS: "ooooohhhhh yeeaahh...poop'n fresh."

BEAVIS: "WHOA, they're fighting! check it out Butthead."
BUTTHEAD: "Beavis, this is going to be the coolest commercial you have
	ever seen."
BEAVIS: "The tazer! use the tazer!."
BUTTHEAD: "uhhuh uhhuh Mr. Peanut's getting his ass kicked by a fat guy."
BEAVIS: " Yeah, Yeah, kick him in the nads!."
BUTTHEAD: "peanuts don't have nads, dumbass."
BEAVIS: "Really?... But, if you kick a peanut, you're, like, kicking him
	in the nuts, but if they don't have nads then you can't kick 'em
	in the nuts, but he's, like, a peanut so you are kicking him in 
	the nuts, but -"
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
BEAVIS: "Whoa, what happened?"
BUTTHEAD: "You like started talking about nads, and then you
	started talking like a dumbass."
BEAVIS: "Really?"

BEAVIS: "Somethin's wrong, Butthead, these guys are too wusi to be
	in a pizza commercial."
BUTTHEAD: "Yeah, really."
BEAVIS: "I should be in a pizza commercial, I'd kick both their asses."
BUTTHEAD: "Beavis, if you were in a pizza commercial, I'd bet Little
	Ceasar could kick your ass."
BEAVIS: "No way fartknocker! Little Ceasar would kick your ass, yeah 
	yeah."
BUTTHEAD: "Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that."

Mister Peanut vs. Pop'N'Fresh.

          The Movie:

     "Rumble in the Snax"

         A script by
        AJAX. (D Bowie)

-INTERIOR, HOLLYWOOD RECORDING STUDIO, DAY-

(Peanut walks out onto the set. We dolly around him. Quickly zoom in on
an angry Pop. They both walk out onto center stage.)

Peanut - What are you lookin' at Fat Boy?
Pop - What was that?
Peanut - You head me Fat ass!
Pop - That's it Pansy Peanut! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Peanut - Bring it on Lardo!

(He pulls out his cane, presses a button and out pops a 6" blade.)

Peanut - I'm gonna carve you up like I did that Popcicle Pete bitch.
Pop - Go ahead and try.

(Pop stands in a Karate fighting stance. They slowly circle each other.
Peanut makes the first move, slashing at Pop with lightning speed. The
blade lacerates Pop across the belly.)

Peanut - Why ain't you laughin' Jolly Fat Boy?
Pop - That was a mistake Salty. Now I'm gonna crack you ass!

(He lunges at Peanut, landing a devastating blow to Peanut's shell. A
small crack appears in his shell.)

Pop - How'd you like that?

(Peanut doesn't answer. Instead he thrusts his cane at Pop. the blade
sinks deeply into the soft dough of Pop's shoulder. Pop screams in pain.)

Pop - Now you're gonna die!
Peanut - I'm gonna kill you like I offed those Hostess punks.

(Pop attempts a round house at Peanut but Peanut side stepps the blow and
grabs Pop's leg. He swiftly spins and snaps Pop's leg.)

Pop - AAARRRRGGGG! You broke my f*ckin' knee!
Peanut - Suck on that!

(Limping, Pop swiftly knocks Peanut's cane put of his hand.)

Pop - Now the fight's fair.
Peanut - Wanna bet!

(He kicks Pop in the genitals. Pop goes down. With lightning speed Peanut
kicks him in the face sending Pop flying back.)

Peanut - Now to finish you off Blubber belly.

(He grabs Pop's head with both of his hands and lifts him up.)

Pop - Please....Don't....

(With a deafening CRACK. Peanut swiftly and as smoothly as peanut butter
snaps Pop's neck. Pop falls Limply to the ground.)

Peanut - Don't mess with the Nuts unless you got some!

(He spits on Pop's body and walks away.)

THE END.

"Bud"
"Weis"
"Errrrrr"

Anyway, this fight is going to be decided by outside help but not for Mr. Peanut. Even if the Hamburger Helper Hand is Pop'N'Fresh's only friend, you forgot that "blood (or flour, in this case) is thicker than water." The much bigger but spitting-image Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man is not going to let his favorite rich cousin get pushed around by a legume. As Mr. Peanut tries to back the giggling Pop'N'Fresh into a hot stage light with his cane, Stay-Puft will intervene and step on him. Though I am sure that the Ghostbusters will eventually bring everything back under control, by then Mr. Peanut will have become a permanent part of the floor tiling. CRUNCH!

- Paul Golba

- JM Massi, WSU Dept. of English, Pullman, WA 99164-5020

That cane lopped off Doughboy's chef hat. Unfortunately, the hat isn't supposed to be a seperate piece. Doughboy squealed like a boiling lobster as fresh batter oozed from the wound atop his head!

Peanut recoiled as Doughboy ran about the room spraying batter and waving his arms. He had to think fast...Doughboy was calming down and seemed to be looking for something. Peanut gasped in dismay as Doughboy found a heater vent...and began baking his headwound closed!

With a cold giggle, Doughboy reached within his own flabby substance and pulled out a concealed weapon: a hand-held tazer. "You like it rough? I like it rough too, baby."

Peanut steeled himself for the charge of Doughboy. His cane was knocked aside. Doughboy grabbed him about the waist and pinned him to the wall with one hand while brandishing the tazer with the other. Peanut's black, scrawny limbs flailed and pummeled the doughy demon with no effect.

"Calling Dr. Leventhal!" snarled Doughboy, and jammed the tazer into Peanut's monocled eye! No current reached the valiant snack warrior, but the monocle shattered in two! Peanut, sweating peanut oil in his fear, finally managed to scramble free of the puffy terror. If he could make it to the cane...

But no goin'. The Pillsbury Doughboy flung his soft mass at the crawling Peanut like a cheating Sumo wrestler. Peanut heard his shell cracking and the buzzing of the tazer...the world was going dark...the broken monocle glimmered in his dimming left eye...

"NO!" shouted Mr. Peanut. He snatched a shard of monocle glass from his eye and gripped it between thumb and forefinger. Pressing it into Doughboy's neck, he drew it slowly downward.

Doughboy gasped and began squalling, a high note like the rising of God's own bread. Batter spilled from the monocle wound Peanut was making, covering the floor evenly and without lumps. Peanut continued his lethal slash.

At last he withdrew the sharp glass piece when he'd reached Doughboy's lower belly. He lurched from the gooey mess he'd created and surveyed the carnage.

Doughboy was no more. The floor was coated with pale batter. A baked skin, like that atop stale gravy, floated near the center of the carnage. It had a suggestion of a despairing face dissolving in it; Peanut strode through the muck and, with one decisive gesture, stomped the face. Batter speckled the walls.

After finding his cane and patching himself up, Peanut continued his commercial. His career flourished, but he'd found something different in life that day. He liked the thrill of battle. And he'd gotten nothing but praise for the death of the Doughboy.

So when Chester Cheetah buys it in some alley a few months from now, or they find a tubful of slain Scrubbin' Bubbles, or when those Raid Roaches explode for the last time, you'll have your explanation even if the cops don't.

- Derek

- N.L. @ C.U.

- S. Lepper

- kARMACIDE

But Peanut's hardly helpless; he calls in Jimmy Carter's greatest weapon: his evil mutant teeth, which comes bearing down on Poppy. Poppy, undaunted, calls in the Hamburger Helper Hand's cousin, the Monty Python Foot, who squashes the teeth flat. But since such power (much like the legendary 16 ton weight) can only be evoked once an episode, it too is down for the count. Peanut sends the Cracker Jack kid (whose employment has always depended on peanuts) against Poppy, but Poppy counters with his big brother, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (who was disguised as the director's puffy pants [tm]). Again, the two weapons cancel each other out.

The battle is decided, though, when Peanut jabs his cane into Poppy's tummy again and again and again. What Brian didn't realize, however, is that when this happens repeatedly, Poppy becomes hysterical with giggling, dropping to the floor, out of breath and helpless, laughing like a madman. Then Peanut presses a hidden button on his cane, triggering the hidden sword to pop out of its tip (what Brian also didn't realize is that the Brits have always had one thing up on us: espionage. Bond alone beats almost anyone out of this country). He then slices the helpless Poppy into croissants, bakes them before they have a chance to reform, serves them to the hungry crew, and proceeds into the limelight of HIS commercial.

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa -- And remember, unlike Poppy, Peanut actually got people to admit on national television that he has sex appeal!

Words are exchanged, not to be printed here, and soon Pop'N'Fresh figures out just what he is up against. The James Bond music begins, and the sheath on Peanut's bladed cane slips off. The dough-boy waddles toward Peanut, intending to have him for a mid-day snack. Peanut calmly steps aside, speaks a snappy line(tm), and twirls the cane around to knock Pop'N'Fresh in the back of the head. Now the gastropod is angry, and this is where things begin to get ugly. The combination of the bright lights of the set and his own anger begins to cook Pop'N'Fresh! After Peanut dodges a few more swings, Pop'N'Fresh begins to live up to his name, as a flaky crust covers his doughy white body. Looking down at himself in horror, he knows that he must escape soon or go the way of the gingerbread man. He grabs a handful of the one thing that he knows might possibly distract Peanut: Salt. He throws the salt on the ground and makes a run for it. Peanut is torn between his duty and his most natural desire. His desire wins out, and soon he is rolling around in the salt, making weird peanut noises. He knows he will be in hot water (hee-hee) for not chasing Pop'N'Fresh, but there will be another time, and at least there won't be a Superbowl commercial. Of course, the entire fight was filmed, and Pillsbury has got some bribing to do, but that's beside the point.

When and where will Peanut and Pop'N'Fresh meet again...?

- Chris Foster/Sherry Womack

One: Mr. Peanut is a dancer. You see him tap-tap-tapping away in the commercials. As a dancer, you know he has excellent footwork and stamina. Let Poppin'Fresh try and bull-rush him. Peanut will merely sidestep the charging doughboy and deliver the coup de grace across the back of his neck with his cane (in fact, I'll bet you that his cane has a hidden sword in it, as all aristocratic sorts are wont to have).

Two: Poppin'Fresh doesn't have a violent bone in his body. Heck, he doesn't even have a bone! For over 30 years, he's been getting poked in the stomach, and has he ever done anything about it? No! He's incapable of approaching any level of violent rage. In fact, he'd gladly defer to Mr. Peanut to avoid any kind of conflict. Peanut could ask the doughboy to grab his ankles and he'd willingly comply.

- Dave Meddish

- Gail, Michigan State University

The White One, smelling defeat, gains RAGE. Not wanting to go out alone, the fat one jumps upon the startled Mr. Peanut and envelopes him. After cooking at 574 for 10 min. a new food substance was created: Breaded Honey-Roasted Peanuts! The new food source goes on to become a best seller to yuppies around the world.

- J.D.

Now the chase begins. Pop 'n' Fresh persues Mr. Peanut through the studio for a few minutes and finally corners the Peanut in a corner of a broom closet. Grinning evilly, he bears down on our poor friend in a nutshell, who in a desperate feat bites the end of his finger off and shoots out - Boiling Peanut Oil! Pop 'n' Fresh is fried alive! After pausing only to spit on and kick his fallen foe, Mr. Peanut runs off to do the commercial at last. The remains of Pop 'n' Fresh are never found.

One year later, Mr. Peanut is back in the very same studio filming another commercial. He is in is dressing room napping when a shadow falls upon him. Waking with a start, Mr. Peanut looks up to see Pop 'n' Fresh, bearing a hardened armor of VERY stale fried dough and a grudge that has waited a year in burning pain for this moment of glory. Peanut hardly has time to scream before the dough boy smashes him to bits with one mighty swing of his arm.

So the Peanut got the commercial, but my dough boy got his revenge!

- Brian Blovett

- Niken Adisasmito

- Mac

-Ryan Hockley

What started as a verbal argument turned violent when Pop'N'Fresh tried to use his mass to push Mr. Peanut out of the studio. Mr. Peanut replied by poking Pop'N'Fresh in the stomach with his walking stick. What followed, say witnesses, was a scene so disturbing it will be a Fox mini-series next fall. As Mr. Peanut poked Pop'N'Fresh in the stomach, he let out his trademark giggle, then his face turned the color of moldy dinner rolls, contorted in pain, and he fell over backwards. When he hit the floor, he started going into convulsions and bagan foaming cookie dough at the mouth. He was pronounced dead at the scene shortly after paramedics arrived. Although it is too early to tell, county medical examiner, Dr. Quincy, suspected taht years of repeated tummy pokes had weakened Pop'N'Fresh's rib cage until it collapsed under the pressure of Mr. Peanut's walking stick.

Pop'N'Fresh was famous for his dozens of cookie dough flavors, as well as his croissants, and dinner biscuts. He single-handedly transformed the baking process, by telling people they no longer had to know how to knead and mix ingredients; all they had to do was open a tube of a gelatinous dough-like substance. Mmmmmmm! That's good eating!

Born the illegitimate son of a torrid love affair between Betty Crocker and the Michelin Man, Pop'N'Fresh originally wanted to be a tap dancer. Sortly after it was discovered that his feet didn't make noise, he turned to baking. A notoriously ticklish person, Pop'N'Fresh trademarked his giggle, and used it as part of his sales pitch.

Celebrity Pop'N'Fresh lookalike, Homer Simpson, will be used to complete filming of the latest Pilsbury commercial. If public acceptance of the doughboy lookalike is higher than that of the replacement Morris the cat, Simpson could be signed to a multi-year deal. "We all feel a great loss," said Simpson, "Pop'N'Fresh was a great guy with an schoolgirl's laugh. We have to work through the adversity of his death, but a multi-year deal? Woo-hoo!"

- HotBranch!

STUDENT 1: Comrade Teacher, how did our great emperor

TEACHER: Well, little one, let us find the answer in Holy Scripture (TM). And I quote from The Book of Dough, chapter XIV, verses 3-8.

"And lo, did Pop N' Fresh the mighty, scoff at the foul Beelzegoober, Lord of the Peanuts, And lo, did he say: 'My, but you are a hard nut to crack. Yet I shall a-salt you with my holy wrath!'

The Peanutty One was afraid now, but as our Messiah called his mother, the Doughy One with the Yeast Infection of Thoth, then and only then did he begin to crack. Literally! For as the Yeasty One scorned the Douche of Zeus, she grew in size, aided by the warm sun. And lo, did the Yeasty One become the Breadmistress! And as she squashed the disintegrating peanut, Pop N' Fresh the Merciful, did say: 'No. Let him free. Mother, oh thousand-foot-tall one, I beseech you: Take him and place him in every airplane, and let him be the complimentary snack of the airlines!!!'

Thus spake Pop N' Fresh."

STUDENT 2: But Teacher, you never explained how Pop N' Fresh became Supreme Lord of All Existence (TM).

TEACHER: Ah, young one. It was as so. For after Pop's victory, he, aided by his friends Hamburger Helper Hand and Popsicle From the "Let's Go Out To The Kitchen" Commercial, built a nuclear fusion cannon and promptly destroyed Fresno. And the world was so happy that Fresno was no more, they made him Dictator for Life (TM). What nobody knew was that Pop is immortal.

But as they say in the holo-movies, "Tough s***, buster." And after that, Pop became the Second Disco Lord of Tulsa (TM).

STUDENT 3: But who was the first?

TEACHER: That, my student, is a story for another day...

- Conan the Agrarian, First Disco Lord of Tulsa

- Dabsads

-Bob Mackowycz

The Doughboy will taunt Mr. P with his trademark "Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven! Tee-hee-hee!". I guarantee that this poor english will send the highly educated Mr. P into a homicidal rage, as he remembers how his proper grammar and genteel upbringing was a direct result of ROASTING his peanut body in a oven. He uses his walking stick to stab Doughboy in any number of places; however, Doughy laughs off his attack by instantly healing himself since raw dough is too malleable to disrupt with the cane equivalent of a pin. He attempts to corner Mr. P when the movie snack crew comes out from nowhere (Milk carton, cupcake, cookie, and popsicle) to assist Peanut-man. Doughboy, realizing he's outnumbered, calls upon the Hostess(TM) crew (the Cowboy Twinkie, Captain Ho-Ho, Mr. Cupcake, and Suzy-Q) to help him out. Results:

1) Mr. Cupcake(Hostess) and cupcake(Snack Food Line) will annihalate each other in a matter/anti-matter like collison of frosty goodness.

2) The Cowboy Twinkie will lasso Mr. Peanut, bringing him closer to the Doughboy's sticky arms. However, some kid will mistake him for Woody from Toy Story(TM) and smash his Buzz Lightyear toy down on C.T.'s head, squishing him flat.

3) Suzy-Q and the popsicle fall in love and mosey out of the picture. 'Nuff said.

4) The Milk will open up and disgorge his milky contents onto the Doughboy. This will severly injure the P-D, as raw dough CAN be dissolved by milk. However, Captain Ho-Ho will sail his way up the milky river, and protected by his pseudo-chocolate shell, proceed to open the wrong side of the milk carton, relieving pressure and eliminating the threat. The cookie was waiting for this move however, and does a WWF body slam on the Captain, breaking his waterproof shell. Captain Ho-Ho and the cookie both get soggy in milk and are unable to move.

With all of the milk spilled around, Mr. Doughboy is slowly melting, stuck to the surface of the table where he fell under the liquid calcium onslaught. Mr. Peanut however, has strange but milkproof black appendages and is invulnerable to liquid onslaught. Realizing Doughboy's weakness, he calls upon Hi-C (Mr. Peanut saved Hi-C's butt in Nam), who bursts through a wall, sending bricks flying and dousing P-D with even more of the venomous liquid. Soon the Pillsbury Doughboy is nothing more that an amorphous mass on the kitchen table.

The clear winner: That Alka-Seltzer kid. All that food would give anyone a stomachache.

- R. Kazmierczak

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Winnie the Pooh v. Snuggles, the fabric softener bear
Chucky v. Toy Story
Gumby v. Mr. Bill

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