World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

It's mid-November in Southern California and ad execs and commercial directors are working feverishly to produce the big budget spots for the upcoming Super Bowl®. Planters and Pillsbury execs are ecstatic as they prepare to unveil their newest joint venture: Pecan Pizza Crusts®. The director, complete with puffy pants (tm), sits down and bellows: "Places everyone! Cue the star!" From one side of the stage comes Mr. Peanut®, struting confidently. From the other side comes Pop'N'Fresh®. "What are you doing out here, Peanut? I'm the star of this commercial! You're just the straight man!" "Excuse me?" Mr. Peanut retorts. "I don't think so, Dough-boy. I'm the star here. Get off my stage!" Clearly, this commercial is not big enough for the both of them.

What commercial icon remains standing after the brawl for the 60 second Super Bowl Spotlight®.

Poppin Fresh, The Pillsbury Doughboy Mr. Peanut, The Planters Spokesnut



Mr. Peanut®

The Commentary

STEVE: The classy Mr. Peanut is going to win this one. There are so many reasons for this. First of all, Mr. Peanut has that cane, while Doughboy has no weapon. In the words of Tom Clancy, "Armed combat beats unarmed combat any day of the week." Mr. Peanut will beat the yeast out of Pop'N'Fresh. Pop'N'Fresh may just giggle for a while, but eventually he's going to succumb to Mr. Peanut's blows.

In addition, Mr. Peanut has a hard peanut-shell armor. He's virtually indestructible behind that tough outer skin. Alas, Doughboy is like a fat slug ready to be stepped on in comparison. There is also the training factor. Mr. Peanut (notice how everyone calls him "Mister") has an air of class about him -- definitely an aristocrat. Everyone knows that those rich boys always learn some skill like fencing or judo. Pop'N'Fresh will be defenseless against this trained foe since he likely has no such skills of his (her?) own. Forecast: Biscuits for dinner tonight!

BRIAN: You, sir, are completely insane. Not slightly screwy or mildly eccentric, but completely insane. To think that "Mr." Peanut (notice Pop'N'Fresh doesn't call him "Mister") could even last two seconds with my Dough-boy® is ludicrous. Look at Peanut. For one he's top heavy. One shove from Pop'N'Fresh and down for the count ("I've fallen..."). Second, he's got no muscle to speak of. Yeah, Doughboy's a bit flabby, but he's got some power under there. Peanut's just a hollow shell with sticks for limbs. Third, just look at him! Top hat, spats, cane, monocle: he's an aristocratic pansy. Sure he fences -- with pads all over his body and a cage on his face so he won't hurt himself. He's probably got a Cork On His Fork® as well. I'll bet a bagazillion dollars that he plays polo because he doesn't have enough athletic ability to play any other "sport". He's the Prince Charles of the Commericial World.

Pop'N'Fresh, though, is the Sumo Champion of the Commerical World. Peanut steps forward and jabs The Doughboy right in the gut with his cane. Pop'N'Fresh, of course, laughs in his face. As the cane bounces back out, Peanut is thrown on his butt and his "tough outer skin" shatters on impact. Pop'N'Fresh all the way!

STEVE: First of all, we both know that "top heavy" has nothing to do with it. You also like the popsicle from the "Let's go out to the Kitchen" commercial, and he is even more top heavy than Mr. Peanut.

Another important factor that comes into play in this contest is that Mr. Peanut has some heavyweights pulling for him upstairs. You can bet that Jimmy Carter is pulling strings to have Mr. Peanut win this battle. Pop'N'Fresh has no such backing, and will stand alone against the mighty peanut empires of the world. On second thought, I'm willing to bet that Pop'N'Fresh does have one friend, the Hamburger Helper Hand®. The only way he can help though is to act even more cutesy than Pop'N'Fresh, and possibly annoy Mr. Peanut to death.

BRIAN: I could sit here and argue about the cast of "Let's Go Out to the Kitchen" (tm) all day, but that's not the subject at hand. To clarify, I do like the popsicle -- to take that wimp of a cookie. The popsicle couldn't hold his own against Pop'N'Fresh.

Anyway, the fact that you list Jimmy Carter as an asset verifies that you are completely insane. What does Jimmy do? He creates peace everywhere. Israel/Egypt, Haiti, the list goes on. Whenever he is involved in anything even remotely confrontational (e.g. Iran Hostage rescues), it's a complete disaster. Carter's interference seals Peanut's fate.

And, finally, I'd like to discuss this monocle of Mr. Peanut's. You see a monocle, what do you think of? 1.) The British. Well, Pop'N'Fresh is all-American, and you don't have to be a history major to know that Pop'N'Fresh's boys have already bailed Peanut's boys out of two world wars. 2.) Colonel Klink. Complete ineptitude. So bad, in fact, that he couldn't even handle Colonel Blake. 'Nuff said.

The Results

Pop'N'Fresh (727)


Mr. Peanut (635)

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Voter Comments


This looks like the classic military match up of infantry vs. armor. actually, mr. peanut looks like that infamous panzer general, klaus von peanufkt (aka the butcher of roesteadt), who escaped the nuremburg trials and is rumored to be living in argentina. the way i see it, the doughboy will build a bunker of biscuits and cinnamon rolls. mr. peanut will use his superior mobility to run around the margarine line and wipe out doughboy's pathetic allies; the belgian-waffle dancers and the french-pastry back-up singers. doughboy will escape defeat by making a miraculous leap across the orchestra pit by launching himself from the dunkin doughnuts table (thereafter known as the miracle of dunkin). as any general knows, tanks are wonderful for making the initial breakthrough of a fortified position, but they lack the flexibility of infantry. after failing to crush doughboy in the initial onslaught, peanut will not have the artillery, air, and infantry support he needs to finish the job. doughboy will win, but his once mighty studio will be in ruins. he will make no commercial. instead, a nike commercial (featuring deion sanders in a baseball uniform), an oscar meyer hot dog commercial, and a betty crocker apple pie commercial will fill the advertising vacuum. sic transit gloria doughboy.

meanwhile, mr. peanut will be arrested by the mossad and whisked away to isreal for trial. unfortunately, on the long el al flight to tel aviv, he will be mistaken for an airline snack and eaten, thus escaping justice.

- jeff

ROTW (TM) Silver Medal Winner (TM)

BEAVIS: "This Winger video sucks, change it."
BUTTHEAD:  "uhh, ok"  Click.

BUTTHEAD: "Whoa, a pizza comercial."
BEAVIS: "Yeah, pizza rules, it rules."

BUTTHEAD: "uhhhuuh huhhh huhhuh....peanut."
BEAVIS: "Whoa, check it out Butthead, its that fat guy from the tire
BUTTHEAD: "No Dumbass, thats, like, the Pullsbarney Dough Boy, or 
BEAVIS: "ooooohhhhh yeeaahh...poop'n fresh."

BEAVIS: "WHOA, they're fighting! check it out Butthead."
BUTTHEAD: "Beavis, this is going to be the coolest commercial you have
	ever seen."
BEAVIS: "The tazer! use the tazer!."
BUTTHEAD: "uhhuh uhhuh Mr. Peanut's getting his ass kicked by a fat guy."
BEAVIS: " Yeah, Yeah, kick him in the nads!."
BUTTHEAD: "peanuts don't have nads, dumbass."
BEAVIS: "Really?... But, if you kick a peanut, you're, like, kicking him
	in the nuts, but if they don't have nads then you can't kick 'em
	in the nuts, but he's, like, a peanut so you are kicking him in 
	the nuts, but -"
BEAVIS: "Whoa, what happened?"
BUTTHEAD: "You like started talking about nads, and then you
	started talking like a dumbass."
BEAVIS: "Really?"

BEAVIS: "Somethin's wrong, Butthead, these guys are too wusi to be
	in a pizza commercial."
BUTTHEAD: "Yeah, really."
BEAVIS: "I should be in a pizza commercial, I'd kick both their asses."
BUTTHEAD: "Beavis, if you were in a pizza commercial, I'd bet Little
	Ceasar could kick your ass."
BEAVIS: "No way fartknocker! Little Ceasar would kick your ass, yeah 
BUTTHEAD: "Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that."

- Eric Klinker

ROTW (TM) Bronze Medal Winner (TM)

It is a known fact that anyone with a cane can kick some wicked ass. Take for example Dave Carridine's character from "Kung Fu" . This character might have wanted peace, but he just couldn't stop kicken ass. Another example of my cane theory is the arrival of Mr. Fugi in the WWF. Mr. Fugi rarely said a word, but when the Big Boss Man Tried kicken Fugi's ass, he got a mouthful of cane. There are more examples of this: In "Shaft in Africa" John's cane played a major role in kicking ass and also in such famous blaxploitation fair as "Black Samson" and my favorite Fred "the hammer" Williamson's "Black Eye" a cane was used for kickin' some whyte ass! This leads me to the conclusion that Mr. Peanut will decapitate the doughboy .

- T. Getschow

While this may not have been one of the three funniest responses we received, the "Shaft in Africa" reference was too good not to recognize. -Eds

Pop N' Fresh actually carries decades of repressed fury against all things not fresh from the oven. His years as Pillsbury's mascot have driven him violently insane, ready to lash out and slaughter anyone who gets in his way. The carnage is brief, but decisive.

- Kris Schnee

Pop does a belly smash (sumo type) which sends peanut off the side of the stage and smashed all over the floor. In shock all the people on the set gasp in horror. (gasp). The sudden noise sets off pop n fresh as he starts to destroy the set and performing mortal combat fatalaties on the stage crew. After which he grows humungusly large and gets horny after seeing the statue of liberty. Once he starts hunching the Lady Liberty he gets shocked to death by some weirdos with lasers on their backs.

- Conrad Campbell

I gotta go with the Dough-Boy on this one. One reason: The Rage(tm). Here's the scene: Poppin' and Peanut are circling each other, trying to feel each other out. Peanut, starting to get cocky ("This peasant wants to spar with MOI?"), decides to play a little mind game and pokes Poppin' in the tummy with his cane to see if he'll giggle. He won't. Years of pent-up frustration at being surgically altered to be "cute" forever (just like his old pal, the fabric softener bear Snuggles) will burst out and make Peanut butter out of his helpless foe. Then he'll go after that wimpy Mr. Salty...

- archmage

Sure Mr. Peanut has that cane, but he won't even be given the oppourtunity to use it. What everyone has apparently forgotten is that caneing just isn't the American way. Michael Fay anyone? The American people will be outraged at the very thought of reliving that nightmare. The resulting mob will be so frightening, well, Pop'N'Fresh will be the least of Mr. Peanut's worries. Mr. Peanut will be lynched before he can get near Pop'N'Fresh.

- Kevin Melchior

Mr. Peanut is the James Bond of trademarked talking food stuffs. Mr. Peanut has that British- Interpol-devil-may-care type attitude that Mr. Bond is famous for. Mr. Peanut would thrust his cane out and ready himself in a Errol Flynn like stance. Poppin' Fresh (who obviously is more like Goldfinger than other mascots of the food industry) would laugh maniacally at Peanut and then, like the evil bakery reject he is, call for reinforcements. The Keebler Elves, Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Lucky the Leprachaun run onto the set like a mad-midget-starch-enriched horde. They attack Peanut visciously. Peanut, using his cane as a rapier, deftly kicks some Vertically-Challanged-Cartoon-Butt. Until only Lucky is left standing. Lucky, playing the Oddjob role, whips of his hat and flings it at Peanut. Peanut uses his cane to deflect it, when trouble strikes. Peanut is okay, the deadly hat sliced his cane in half. Peanut will now have to rely on good ol' British M-5 technology. Peanut swiftly pulls off one of his cuff links and throws it to the floor. It breaks and suddenly the whole set is filled with smoke. In the confusion, Lucky recieves several well executed Spat-covered Kicks to the head, neck, and chest. Then, as Lucky staggers Peanut jumps on his back puts his hands around Lucky's head and twists. Lucky's neck emits a noise that sounds like Mr. Peanut's late brother when he walked into the Peter Pan Factory. Poppin' Fresh, disturbed by this turn of events runs away screaming like Babe at an Oscar Mayer plant. Peanut, with catlike reflexes, flings his monocle at Poppin' Fresh. The monocle embeds itself in Poppin' Fresh's neck like a penny in the Empire State Building's sidewalk. Blood squirts out of Poppin' Fresh's neck as he goes down like Roger Ebert on a large buttered popcorn, extra salt. Mr. Peanut stomps on Fresh's stomach once just to make sure he doesn't hear Fresh's trademark squeal. Peanut, finishes the commercial, goes to a casino where he meets and then beds Mrs. Butterworth in true Bondian style.

- Justin(Kingfish)Finnegan

I hate to root for a skinny wuss like Peanut, but considering who he's up against, I have no choice. It's like a race between a snail and a rock.

- Douglas Peddicord

Peanut and Fresh square off. They circle for a few seconds. Then, peanut takes off his hat and pulls out the .45 magnum hidden there. He empties a clip into fresh. The bullets bounce back! one of them puts a crack in peanut's hard shell. He changes to explosive uranium tipped armor piercing rounds and fires off again. Some of the bullets bounce off yet again, bringing down a jumbo jet and, in an adjacent studio, Keanu Reeves. This time, however, one of fresh's arms is deflated. This seriously pisses off puffy boy. His eyes start glowing red, and in the heat of his RAGE (TM), his dough starts to expand. He grows to a large 8ft height and stomps peanut. Unfortunately, his doughy foot is too soft to do any damage. However, in the fall, peanut's monocle gets knocked off, and his ultimate secret weapon, an EYE MOUNTED NUCLEAR FUSION PLASMA CANNON (TM, patent pending), is exposed. Setting his beam of death on roast 'em, toast 'em, char broil 'em all to hell, peanut unleashes its power on the unexpecting doughboy. doughboy expands and expands, until he explodes in a shower of white, a la Marshmellow Man. Peanut then turns to the director, to get on with the show, when, lo and behold, the commercial has already been done by RICK PITINO (tm). Speechless with shock, peanut is crushed by a flying basketball.

- Cory Davis

Hands down, it will be Pop'n totally crushing Mr. Peanut. This outcome is very easy to see once we realize that Pop'n must be a master of Aikidough.

- The Spaceman

What are you guys, nuts (pun intended)? Pop'N Fresh vs. Peanut? Holy No-Brainer, Batman, this is the same instituion that gave us SANDERS VS. REDENBACHER, the closest call I've ever seen?

Peanut uses a _cane_. He's got a BAD LEG for cripessake! Not that the other one is so great, but come on!

The peanut has one of the most easily cracked shells of all. Defense wouldn't win this one alone, anyhow, but seeing as it's Mr. Pee-in-my- Pants's only advantage, let's consider it. I want a walnut, I get a nutcracker. I want a pecan, I get a nutcracker. I want a peanut, I tear the shell off and finish it off in maybe a couple of seconds. And let's not forget _this_ peanut has to breathe. A couple of minutes under the Big Bad Boy's doughy rump'll have him swiftly on his way to Peanut Heaven, where they hopefully have some opponents in Mr. P's weight class.

The Pillsbury Pulverizer is made of a homogenous, gooey subtance. Stab him with the cane? The Doughman seals himself up again. Cut off his head? He can reattach it. Hit him with a Flying PBJ Axehandle (Peanut's trademark finishing move), and all you'll see is Mr. Peanut sink into the gloppy flesh of Doughverlord. Slowly, his shell will dissolve away and the nut's innards will be digested for Pop'N Fresh's nourishment. I ask you: How do you stop someone who has no internal organs, who feels no pain, who repairs himself in seconds, and who eats guys like you for breakfast? Not with a monicle and a bum leg, I tell you.

- Mike Smith

What's next? The Blob vs. Franklin Roosevelt?

Mister Peanut vs. Pop'N'Fresh.

          The Movie:

     "Rumble in the Snax"

         A script by
        AJAX. (D Bowie)


(Peanut walks out onto the set. We dolly around him. Quickly zoom in on
an angry Pop. They both walk out onto center stage.)

Peanut - What are you lookin' at Fat Boy?
Pop - What was that?
Peanut - You head me Fat ass!
Pop - That's it Pansy Peanut! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Peanut - Bring it on Lardo!

(He pulls out his cane, presses a button and out pops a 6" blade.)

Peanut - I'm gonna carve you up like I did that Popcicle Pete bitch.
Pop - Go ahead and try.

(Pop stands in a Karate fighting stance. They slowly circle each other.
Peanut makes the first move, slashing at Pop with lightning speed. The
blade lacerates Pop across the belly.)

Peanut - Why ain't you laughin' Jolly Fat Boy?
Pop - That was a mistake Salty. Now I'm gonna crack you ass!

(He lunges at Peanut, landing a devastating blow to Peanut's shell. A
small crack appears in his shell.)

Pop - How'd you like that?

(Peanut doesn't answer. Instead he thrusts his cane at Pop. the blade
sinks deeply into the soft dough of Pop's shoulder. Pop screams in pain.)

Pop - Now you're gonna die!
Peanut - I'm gonna kill you like I offed those Hostess punks.

(Pop attempts a round house at Peanut but Peanut side stepps the blow and
grabs Pop's leg. He swiftly spins and snaps Pop's leg.)

Pop - AAARRRRGGGG! You broke my f*ckin' knee!
Peanut - Suck on that!

(Limping, Pop swiftly knocks Peanut's cane put of his hand.)

Pop - Now the fight's fair.
Peanut - Wanna bet!

(He kicks Pop in the genitals. Pop goes down. With lightning speed Peanut
kicks him in the face sending Pop flying back.)

Peanut - Now to finish you off Blubber belly.

(He grabs Pop's head with both of his hands and lifts him up.)

Pop - Please....Don't....

(With a deafening CRACK. Peanut swiftly and as smoothly as peanut butter
snaps Pop's neck. Pop falls Limply to the ground.)

Peanut - Don't mess with the Nuts unless you got some!

(He spits on Pop's body and walks away.)


Pop'N'Fresh all the way.

I could see Poppy doing karate or ninjitsu. He just has that aura about him.

- Venis

Well where do I begin? If you look in the corner of the studio you'll see that there is a strange pretzel shape lurking about. This pretzel will remain hidden until Mr. Peanut and Pop 'n' Fresh have nearly beaten each other to crumbs. Then just as the director is about to break up the fight he steps out. It's none other than Mr. Salty. The ad execs have a sudden brainstorm and realize that they can use their pecan pizza crust to make pretzels just as well. They film the remainder of the fight showing Pop n' Fresh and Mr. Peanut mixing it up rather violently and put Mr. Salty in front of the fight to plug the new brand of Pecan-Pizza-Pretzels, with a commercial very reminiscant of the old Resse's Peanut Buttuer Cup ad's.

Mr. Salty: Three great tastes that taste Great together! Nabisco Pecan-Pizza-Pretzels. Try some today!

Fade to black.....

- Pete

Pop'n'Fresh has one very significant (read "decisive") advantage: he is made out of dough. Yeast, added to dough, causes dough to rise. Since this venture will have been in the works for some time, it is reasonable to assume that the combatants will have anticipated a confrontation and prepared themselves. In Pop'n'Fresh's case, this takes the form of a yeast bath. Thus, the Pop'n'Fresh that walks on to the stage will be 12 feet in height, as compared to a 4-inch Mr. Peanut. End of story.

- Jeffrey Kolb, Hamilton College

As the two combatants advance towards each other, the director decides to film. With the cameras rolling, Peanut takes a cheap shot with his cane.

"Hee hee hee, you BASTARD!" cries Pop. With a vicious blow, Pop cracks Peanut's monacle and gives him a black eye (I thought only potatoes had eyes...)

Soon, the two foes are trading blow after blow. The cameras are rolling, and after a few minutes, Pop is noticably taller. At least 3" shorter than Peanut at the beginning of the fight, Pop realizes that he is starting to rise. While this sounds like a good thing, it will be only minutes before the hot, bright lights on the sound stage turn him into the Pillsbury (tm) Bread Boy (tm).

With his newfound strength and urgency, Pop unleashes a fury of blows not seen since the women's boxing match on the Tyson (tm,Don King Productions) card. Using all his dirty tricks, Pop repeatedly hits Peanut in the nuts (pun pun). Finally, his fragile shell gone, Peanut is reduced to a lumpy mass of goo...

Even as Pop celebrates his success, however, he realizes that his time is over! Attempting to run from the studio, he moves slower and slower, until he has stopped, and only a loaf of bread remains of the champion.

The crew, already 15 mins late for their lunch break, decide to give the two actors a proper rest and the entire crew enjoys the best Peanut Butter Sandwiches they have ever had. As they finish, they realize they need Milk (tm), so they head over to the set of the "Let's all go to the Kitchen (tm)" commercial...

- Skunky, University of Minnesota

Surely Mr. Peanut will win. All he has to do is thrash Pop'n'Fresh a couple of times in the tummy with his cane. On another note, the victory speech will finally give Mr. Peanut the world-wide forum to confirm or deny the rumors about his sexuality. I look forward to hearing the truth from the tuber champion.

- Rob B.

We should consider the Faithful Consumer Factor(TM). Millions of happy pastry eaters will not sit idely by and watch as some Slightly-Nutritious-Uppity-Aristrocratic-PeanutŪ tries to tell them that they can't have their cake or eat it either. They'll do whatever it takes to eliminate the Peanut(TM) and continue their lifestyle of taste indulgence.

- Mike Jackson

This match will go down like any boxing match would...

Initially the Doughboy comes out strong, frequently jabbing Peanut. He looks good at first but then things go sour.. Time is not his friend. He can only operate in Peanut smashing mode for so long. Peanut has to avoid him, run him around and wear him down, remember, as Doughboy gets warmer from the exercise he heats up, and as he heats up he turns to bread. Once Doughboy starts breathing through the mouth, it's all over and Peanut moves in. Peanut wails on him with the cane, screaming "Who's Bad now? Doughboy" leaving criss-cross crescent marks on the Doughboy.

The end is bloody, Peanut with a cane through the chest to Doughboy uttering as his coup-d-gras "That's why I'm MISTER Peanut and you WERE Dough-BOY!"

- Daniel R. Taylor, Eastern Michigan University

If the contest were solely a sportsmanlike round of fisticuffs between a fat giggling dullard and a pretentious spindly-limbed weakling, I'd have to go with the fat. The doughboy could take quite a few pokes from a tiny cane before throwing all his weight at the overmatched legume.

However, the bout is anything but sportmanlike. The outcome is predetermined by the bottom line. After congress phases out the farm subsidies for all but an elect few with influence (including nut growers at this point in time), both the Pillsbury and Planters corner crews realize the doughboy must throw in the towel. They can charge the American consumer an order of magnitude times the fair world market value for the pecans. The profit margin on wheat will be nowhere in the ballpark. The result is that the doughboy takes a more obvious dive than Sonny Liston managed during the first round of his 1965 rematch with Cassius Clay.

- Dr. Joe

Mr. Peanut is so much classier than that prole Doughboy ever could be, as evidenced by the debonair top hat, cane, and monocle. His appearance also leads me to believe that he is *wealthy* too, and therefore he could easily hire goons to toss Pop'N'Fresh into a microwave and let him rise 'til he bursts. If the Doughboy had that kind of financial power, he'd have enrolled (so to speak) in a workout facility or weight loss program and would be in better shape. Mr Peanut faster than the Doughboy's tee-hee giggle turns to a scream of terror.

- Heather >:)

Pop'N'Fresh is known to lift up entire trays of cookies - and he is Six Inches Tall. His herculean strength will rend Mr. Peanut's brittle armor and tear off his stick-limbs. No contest!

- Matt-a-roo

Pop N' Fresh, a.k.a. Dough Boy, wins this one hands (mittens?) down. Let's look at this one from a scientific perspective: what happens when you stick a peanut in a nutcracker? It shatters into tiny shards! But do the same thing to a lump of dough, and will it fly apart into ghastly carnage? No sir! Dough Boy has the strength of constitution to take a hit from a Mack truck, so any wipy effort on Peanut-Boy's part will be useless.

We've all seen it happen before : somebody lunges at Pop N' Fresh out of repressed jealousy, and jabs their finger deep into his gut. But Pop just tips his head back and laughs in their face, letting them know that he's not afraid of their puny efforts. (He then usually pummels the attacker into a mess of carnage, but there just isn't time for that in a 30 sec. commercial.)

- Josh Giesbrecht

Why does Mr. Peanut wear a monocle? He's had experience with the eye gouge. It was a hard lesson, but a lesson he learned well. Sure, Pop'N'Fresh is big and blubbery; but one quick cane thrust and Pop'N'Fresh will be in a world of hurt.

So the top hat makes Mr. Peanut look foppish. It also holds many of George Washington Carver's most fiendish inventions: Peanut butter, peanut oil, peanut nunchakus, peanut ink, peanut paint, peanut juice, and many, many more.

Mr. Peanut in a minute-fifteen, and he's ready for Sprout, Mr. Salty, and Toucan Sam.

- BLomica

Here's the way I see it: Jimmy Carter does, indeed, step into the fray, hoping to bring the ugly food fight to a peaceful resolution. He brings them to Ohio [-yawn!-] for peace talks, but early on it seems he favors Mister Peanut.

President Clinton is a consumate Doughboy fan--after all, the Doughboy makes cookies and cakes and cinnamon rolls and brownies and . . . well, you get the picture. Anyways, as such a huge (in many senses of the word) fan, he can't let Carter give the Peanut all the attention, so he hops aboard ol' Air Force One, and, after a quick stop at the Dayton Burger Barn ["-buuurrrp!-"] he arrives at the scene. But one look at Pop N Frsh, and Mr. President's thoughts become focused: "Mmmmmm. Cupcakes." He reaches towards the now- frantically-screaming Pop N Fresh and shoves the poor Doughboy into his mouth.

Mister Peanut (no, not Carter, the *other* nut), seizing the opportunity, tries to make a hasty retreat. But the President isn't full, and, seeing the dashing peanut, develops a sudden taste for Skippy. With one hand he crushes Mister Peanut into gooey butter.

So who won? Well, as he opens his mouth to consume the late Mister P., the Doughboy suddenly appears--remember, Clinton never inhales!--and runs for all he's worth. Thus Pop N Fresh wins by default, and Slick Willie is left searching his pockets and wondering what he did with that spare jar of Concord Grape.

- Brian Hudson

Sorry to say this, but I'm gonna have to side with Mr. Peanut on this one. A couple of advantages he has over the doughboy make him a shoo-in.

1) Raw speed. That's right. Almost anything has blazing speed compared to the doughboy, and Mr. Peanut doesn't have a lot of weight to carry around. He'll dance around the lump of unbaked dough and poke him in the stomach. Sure, the doughboy will giggle a few times, but this isn't some friendly family member poking in the stomach, this is a peanut possessed by RAGE(tm).

2) Secondly, Mr. Peanut is, well, a nut. He's unpredictable. There is no way a rational being like the doughboy can keep up with the wildness of the peanut. We're going to see some crazy stuff, and the peanut will bedazzle and confuse yeast brain.

45 seconds and the doughboy meets his maker, with a triumphant yet crazed peanut standing over him.

- El Squid, Lawrence University

Mr. Peanut (tm) hurls himself at Pop'N'Fresh (tm) and hits upon the idea of attacking the Dough Boy's weakness, his stomach. Sure enough, Pop'N'Fresh (tm) soon collapses laughing on the ground. Mr. Peanut (tm) seizes the oppertunity to viciously beat Dough Boy on the head. Now, any normal person would be unconsious if not dead by now, yet Pop (tm) is not even phazed. Mr. Peanut's (tm) cane mearly bounces off the dough-formed head. Mr. Peanut (tm) decides to employ Plan B (tm). Pressing a hidden button on the cane handle reveals a knife at the end of the P-Man's cane with which Mr. Peanut (tm) starts to dice Pop'N'Fresh (tm) into a gazillion tiny dough cubes. Now pausing to take a breath, Mr. Peanut (tm) is horrified to see Pop'N'Fresh (tm) is now reforming a la Terminator 2 (tm). Pop'N'Fresh is now steaming and decides to call in reinforcements, his big brother The Marshmallow Man (tm) from Ghostbusters (tm). (Can't you see the family resemblance?) Mr. Peanut (tm) is almost scared out of his shell and hastily calls his cousin Mr. Potatohead (tm) and the rest of the gang from Toy Story (tm). Just as Mr. Peanut (tm) is about to be sqwished, the Ghostbusters (tm) arrive at the scene thanks to Egon's (tm) handy-dandy Marshmallow Spectre X-ray Inferometer (tm). The Ghostbusters (tm) cross the beams and vanquish the Marshmallow apparition, which explodes in a Firey S'more of DOOM (tm) covering all combatants in a layer of carmelized sugar. The boys from Ghostbusters (tm) start to go wild with their guns and shoot everyone so now:

* Mr. Potatohead (tm) is now a batch of McDonalds (tm) McFries (tm) being that McDonalds (tm) add a whole lot of stuff to thier fries, not the least of which is sugar.

* The Toy Story (tm) gang is reduced to a smouldering mass of burning plastic.

* Pop'N'Fresh (tm) is now turned into a sugary cinnamon bun from all of the marshmallow sugar laying around.

* Mr. Peanut (tm) becomes a Honey-Roasted Planter (tm) due to the sugar.

So, Pop'N'Fresh (tm) is now immobilized due to the fact that he is relatively burnt to a crisp by the Ghostbuster's (tm)guns. Mr. Peanut (tm), on the other hand is O.K. because he is mearly Honey-Roasted and is analagous to you or I getting a tan. Therfore, Mr. Peanut (tm) wins. However, his victory is shortlived since the Ghostbuster (tm) Team is invaiably hungry from chasing the Marshmallow Man (tm), they decide to make PBJ sanwiches out of Mr. Peanut (tm).

- Shai'tan

Mr. Peanut would win this contest hands down. Any fight fan knows that the superior fighter would have a strong upper body with considerably smaller legs to allow for quick movement. Mr. Peanut fits this description, he has trained hard and has sculpted his body into a chiselled masterpiece. On the contrary, Mr. Pop N' Fresh has been lazy and has not been taking his training regimen seriously. Mr. Pop N' Fresh is soft around the middle, thus when Mr. Peanut works his body, he will fall, and fall hard.

- Mark Simmons

Medical techknology being what it is today, the only real vote can be for the dough boy. NOTHING KNOWN TO MAN CAN DEFEAT A YEAST INFECTION

- Dad (tm)

Well, I was going to vote for Mr. Peanut, until I found out Jimmy Carter was backing him...

- Rick

Slap, thump, crunch, and it's over. While Mr. Peanut is bragging about being club boxing champ at Oxford (tm) Pop N Fresh rushes him from across the sound stage. All that Mr. Peanut can do is get off one weak, poorly directed swipe with his cane that harmlessly glances off Pop N Fresh's shoulder(slap). At the same time Pop N Fresh is airbourne, spread eagle(tm) and lands on top of Mr. Peanut (thump). As they settle to the floor a resounding crunch is heard, and Pop N Fresh settles down about 6 inches more. As he lifts himself from the ground and brushes off the shell fragments, he looks around the room and asks,"Anybody gotta beer to wash down this peanut?" In disbelief, the Planter's(tm) P.R. Executives look on and see Pop N Fresh popping the salty goodness(tm) that used to be their spokesman into his mouth and belowing to his handlers to get him a beer.


The Hamburger Helper Hand does come to Pop 'n' Fresh's aid, and flips the bird (and what a big bird it is) at Mr. Peanut. Mr. Peanut, being a formal and dainty gentleman, is completely appalled, and faints. The Hand then easily crushes the unconscious brittle body, and suddenly gets some morbid satisfaction out of it. To have the power to take life, with his mighty strangling strength, is too much to resist. "Hey," he thinks, "crushing stuff is really neato!" He then turns to Pop 'n' Fresh, grabs him, and squeezes and squeezes until the doughboy bursts. The murderous rampage begins. No one is safe. When all seems over for the world, the Hand comes up against Peter Pan, with his (now relatively) new plastic container! It can't be broken! The evil Hand is defeated in frustration, and the world is saved! Yay!

- L. Wilkes

Pillsbury Dough Boy and Mr. Peanut square off for a battle, forgetting about the third, silent partner in the product. As the two American icons tear into each other, they hear the last sounds they will ever hear...
As the frogs bear their fangs and encircle the two combatants, the two commercial actors quiver in fear, but accept their fate...they both bow their heads and prepare for death...

- Jonathan Maness

Well, I gotta go with Brian on this one...let's look at it from an engineering standpoint:

A ductile material is always the preferable choice of material for any engineering structure to a brittle one. The ductile material is more likely to be able to deform upon loading, and then resume its initial state without permanent damage, while the brittle material is at a much higher risk of snapping under stress. This analogy applies here, as Brian subtly mentioned in his commentary.

The scenario:

Peanute lands several hard blows into Pop'N'Fresh, whose soft white flesh deforms on impact. But, in an eerie Terminator 2-ish scene, Pop'N'Fresh's body rejuvinates itself, and he looks at his opponent with an evil grin, shaking his index finger as if to say "No No No!" Without Arnie to step in at the last moment, Pop'N'Fresh slams Peanut with a devastating upper-cut and Peanut shatters. Pop'N'Fresh gathers up the pieces and finishes the job with a food-processor, a butter knife, and two slices of bread.

Engineers all over the world announce the discovery of an amazing new material--Pillsbury Dough (TM), and all bridges and buildings eventually only come in one colour...dull white.

- Brent D. Timmerman, University of Manitoba

Mr. Peanut will totally annihilate Pop'N'Fresh. Here's why: Back in the 80's, Pop'N'Fresh's younger brother, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man(tm) had his day as a combatant in Ghostbusters(tm). We all know what happened - he got blown to smithereens. The trauma of losing his brother completely wimp-ified Pop and he's even more of a pacafist than Jimmy Carter. He hasn't a prayer.

- Steve

Inside word has it that Pop N Fresh is suffering from a serious yeast infection. This alone may tip the scales in Peanut's favor. Also one cannot deny that Peanut appears aristocratic but everyone knows he has a salty background. Furthermore, Mr. Peanut may take advantage of the well-known "Pop N Fresh weakness" - that is his G-Spot (Giggle Spot). One jab to the solar plexus and Poppy's giggling like a 7th grade girl and this allows Peanut to move in with the deathblow.


What you must realize is that even though Peanut has the hard shell POP is made of a very pliable dough. If worse comes to worse he could take off his arm and strangle Peanut with it.

- Brent H. Sander

How is he going to stangle anything with only one arm? -Eds

Okay. Once again, it all comes down to the Rage (tm). Mr. Peanut gets to do his own thing on his commercials. Meanwhile, Pop'n Fresh has been trained to giggle everytime he's poked in the stomach. Now, think back to the time when Mikey [from those cereal commerials] poked Pop'n Fresh off-camera, and Pop'n Fresh ripped Mikey's eyes out of his head. Remember that? [If you don't, now you know why Mikey hasn't been doing commericals for a while] My point? Pop'n Fresh has been keeping his feelings of hate towards the world ever since then, and getting angrier with every giggle/poke. The Mr. Peanut fight will give him an opportunity to vent his frustration, and they'll have to give Mr. Peanut a closed casket funeral. Of course, this will result in Planters putting their own line of peanut butter on the market, which will result in a three-way fight between the new Planters rep., the Squirrel from that brand of PB, and Peter Pan. But I digress.

- rohit

I'm afraid that Doughboy will win this one. It's a simple matter of eating habits. People eat peanuts, so "The" Mister Peanut is actually a series of acting peanuts who closely resemble the original. The old ones have long since been munched on as a snack by some uncaring fiend, which means that Mister Peanut is no aristocrat and has no training other than acting suave; that lack of training, combined with those sticks of arms and legs just makes him too weak to bother with. Indeed, his own supporters have made him expendable.

- Chris Salter

Steve, HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND?! Jimmy Carter?! I'm sorry, but the president that backed down to the demands of Panama is worthless in a fight like this. Pop'N'Fresh could scare him off with a "BOO" and a giggle. And anyway, he ranks just above Martin Van Buren, Rutherford B. Hayes and Benjamin Harrison when it comes to non-descript presidents. THE MAN PICKED WALTER MONDALE AS A RUNNING MATE, for goodness sake. Maybe if Mr. Peanut had Gerald Ford, he could trip over his own two feet and crush Pop'N'Fresh. BUT JIMMY CARTER?! Steve, as a knowledgeable advisor, please check yourself into
Whispering Willow Breezy Pines Sancitorium for Crazy People(tm) before it's too late. I understand Brian knows the way.

Anyway, this fight is going to be decided by outside help but not for Mr. Peanut. Even if the Hamburger Helper Hand is Pop'N'Fresh's only friend, you forgot that "blood (or flour, in this case) is thicker than water." The much bigger but spitting-image Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man is not going to let his favorite rich cousin get pushed around by a legume. As Mr. Peanut tries to back the giggling Pop'N'Fresh into a hot stage light with his cane, Stay-Puft will intervene and step on him. Though I am sure that the Ghostbusters will eventually bring everything back under control, by then Mr. Peanut will have become a permanent part of the floor tiling. CRUNCH!

- Paul Golba

Face it, the only way this one could be decided is with a microwave. The two contestants are so evenly matched otherwise--out of shape, ambiguous in gender, fictitious, and uncooked--that they would eventually settle it by throwing each other into microwaves. Mr. P would, naturaly, explode within 15 seconds, while Pop would emerge a little toasted around the edges.

- JM Massi, WSU Dept. of English, Pullman, WA 99164-5020

At first, Doughboy took a few scratches from that cane. Peanut, perhaps overconfident, tried to go for an evisceration; of course he just got that maniacal giggle. The monacled dynamo tried for a headshot. He swung true, and Doughboy ducked...not far enough.

That cane lopped off Doughboy's chef hat. Unfortunately, the hat isn't supposed to be a seperate piece. Doughboy squealed like a boiling lobster as fresh batter oozed from the wound atop his head!

Peanut recoiled as Doughboy ran about the room spraying batter and waving his arms. He had to think fast...Doughboy was calming down and seemed to be looking for something. Peanut gasped in dismay as Doughboy found a heater vent...and began baking his headwound closed!

With a cold giggle, Doughboy reached within his own flabby substance and pulled out a concealed weapon: a hand-held tazer. "You like it rough? I like it rough too, baby."

Peanut steeled himself for the charge of Doughboy. His cane was knocked aside. Doughboy grabbed him about the waist and pinned him to the wall with one hand while brandishing the tazer with the other. Peanut's black, scrawny limbs flailed and pummeled the doughy demon with no effect.

"Calling Dr. Leventhal!" snarled Doughboy, and jammed the tazer into Peanut's monocled eye! No current reached the valiant snack warrior, but the monocle shattered in two! Peanut, sweating peanut oil in his fear, finally managed to scramble free of the puffy terror. If he could make it to the cane...

But no goin'. The Pillsbury Doughboy flung his soft mass at the crawling Peanut like a cheating Sumo wrestler. Peanut heard his shell cracking and the buzzing of the tazer...the world was going dark...the broken monocle glimmered in his dimming left eye...

"NO!" shouted Mr. Peanut. He snatched a shard of monocle glass from his eye and gripped it between thumb and forefinger. Pressing it into Doughboy's neck, he drew it slowly downward.

Doughboy gasped and began squalling, a high note like the rising of God's own bread. Batter spilled from the monocle wound Peanut was making, covering the floor evenly and without lumps. Peanut continued his lethal slash.

At last he withdrew the sharp glass piece when he'd reached Doughboy's lower belly. He lurched from the gooey mess he'd created and surveyed the carnage.

Doughboy was no more. The floor was coated with pale batter. A baked skin, like that atop stale gravy, floated near the center of the carnage. It had a suggestion of a despairing face dissolving in it; Peanut strode through the muck and, with one decisive gesture, stomped the face. Batter speckled the walls.

After finding his cane and patching himself up, Peanut continued his commercial. His career flourished, but he'd found something different in life that day. He liked the thrill of battle. And he'd gotten nothing but praise for the death of the Doughboy.

So when Chester Cheetah buys it in some alley a few months from now, or they find a tubful of slain Scrubbin' Bubbles, or when those Raid Roaches explode for the last time, you'll have your explanation even if the cops don't.

- Derek

Clearly, Mr. Pop'N'Fresh has the advantage. He's from a long line of winners. We're talking about a pedigree. We're talkin' about a TRADITION OF WINNING. His relative, THE STAY-PUFF MARSHMALLOW MAN was chosen from 377 other amorphous-solid edible characters to play the lead role in GHOSTBUSTERS! Come on! That's like havin' Muhammed Ali for your Dad!

- N.L. @ C.U.

Pop'N'Fresh would obviously win. It's simple logic. Peanuts are notoriously high in fat. I'd hate to think of Mr. Peanut's body fat percentage! Pop'N'Fresh, in keeping with the latest trend, is working towards being more low fat. Pop'N'Fresh wins as Mr Peanut has a fatal heart attack.

- S. Lepper

I see only one thing that could happen. Mr. Peanut strikes PNF with his cane. The dough boy just giggles. Mr. Peanut strikes him again and again. The Doughboy just keeps on giggling. This enrages Mr. Peanut and continues to strike the Doughboy. But the Flogging has no effect on the Doughnboy. This makes Mr. Peanut angerier. Peanut tries time and time again to strike him with all of his might but to no avail. Finally in his old age Mr. Peanut has a stroke. He survives but is driven to the brink of insanity and finally has a nervous break down one day after leaving the hospital, the police catch him running around naked shreiking out "EAT ME! EAT ME!"


Okay, here's how I see the fight going: Pop'N'Fresh (or Poppy, as I'll call him) and Peanut circle each other, waiting for an opening. Peanut will attack first, thrusting his cane forward. Unfortunately, Poppy (whom, you'll remember, is made of dough) collapses in on himself, much like Odo of _Deep Space 9_, oozing under Peanut's feet and appearing on the other side of him, unharmed. He then turns his fist into a spiked ball and whaps Peanut on the back of the head, stunning him.

But Peanut's hardly helpless; he calls in Jimmy Carter's greatest weapon: his evil mutant teeth, which comes bearing down on Poppy. Poppy, undaunted, calls in the Hamburger Helper Hand's cousin, the Monty Python Foot, who squashes the teeth flat. But since such power (much like the legendary 16 ton weight) can only be evoked once an episode, it too is down for the count. Peanut sends the Cracker Jack kid (whose employment has always depended on peanuts) against Poppy, but Poppy counters with his big brother, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (who was disguised as the director's puffy pants [tm]). Again, the two weapons cancel each other out.

The battle is decided, though, when Peanut jabs his cane into Poppy's tummy again and again and again. What Brian didn't realize, however, is that when this happens repeatedly, Poppy becomes hysterical with giggling, dropping to the floor, out of breath and helpless, laughing like a madman. Then Peanut presses a hidden button on his cane, triggering the hidden sword to pop out of its tip (what Brian also didn't realize is that the Brits have always had one thing up on us: espionage. Bond alone beats almost anyone out of this country). He then slices the helpless Poppy into croissants, bakes them before they have a chance to reform, serves them to the hungry crew, and proceeds into the limelight of HIS commercial.

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa -- And remember, unlike Poppy, Peanut actually got people to admit on national television that he has sex appeal!

This is much more than a battle for a commercial spot. Under that lovable(tm), pokable(tm) exterior, Pop'N'Fresh is actually the mastermind of a sinister plot to rule the world. He is the leader of the Gang of Three(tm), in cahoots with the Marshmallow Man and the Michelin Tire Man. While the other two have their own evil duties involving marshmallows and tires (obviously), Pop'N'Fresh's part of the plan that involves anything and everything Pillsbury-related. The more people that eat Pillsbury products, the more people that will be poisoned when the final step of the plan is enacted. This commercial is part of his ploy to win over football fans. So who is Mr. Peanut? Agent 004, Planters Special Division, that's who! Not realizing Planters' affiliation with the United Nations Peace Committee, Pillbury signed the contract for the Pecan Crust Pizza(tm). This puts Agent 004 right where he needs to be. Now we turn to the fight...

Words are exchanged, not to be printed here, and soon Pop'N'Fresh figures out just what he is up against. The James Bond music begins, and the sheath on Peanut's bladed cane slips off. The dough-boy waddles toward Peanut, intending to have him for a mid-day snack. Peanut calmly steps aside, speaks a snappy line(tm), and twirls the cane around to knock Pop'N'Fresh in the back of the head. Now the gastropod is angry, and this is where things begin to get ugly. The combination of the bright lights of the set and his own anger begins to cook Pop'N'Fresh! After Peanut dodges a few more swings, Pop'N'Fresh begins to live up to his name, as a flaky crust covers his doughy white body. Looking down at himself in horror, he knows that he must escape soon or go the way of the gingerbread man. He grabs a handful of the one thing that he knows might possibly distract Peanut: Salt. He throws the salt on the ground and makes a run for it. Peanut is torn between his duty and his most natural desire. His desire wins out, and soon he is rolling around in the salt, making weird peanut noises. He knows he will be in hot water (hee-hee) for not chasing Pop'N'Fresh, but there will be another time, and at least there won't be a Superbowl commercial. Of course, the entire fight was filmed, and Pillsbury has got some bribing to do, but that's beside the point.

When and where will Peanut and Pop'N'Fresh meet again...?

- Chris Foster/Sherry Womack

C'mon, this is a no-brainer! Mr. Peanut all the way. There are two overlooked facts:

One: Mr. Peanut is a dancer. You see him tap-tap-tapping away in the commercials. As a dancer, you know he has excellent footwork and stamina. Let Poppin'Fresh try and bull-rush him. Peanut will merely sidestep the charging doughboy and deliver the coup de grace across the back of his neck with his cane (in fact, I'll bet you that his cane has a hidden sword in it, as all aristocratic sorts are wont to have).

Two: Poppin'Fresh doesn't have a violent bone in his body. Heck, he doesn't even have a bone! For over 30 years, he's been getting poked in the stomach, and has he ever done anything about it? No! He's incapable of approaching any level of violent rage. In fact, he'd gladly defer to Mr. Peanut to avoid any kind of conflict. Peanut could ask the doughboy to grab his ankles and he'd willingly comply.

- Dave Meddish

After hours of combat, the boxing ring covered with biscuit crumbs and peanut shells, Pop'n'Fresh and Mr. Peanut retire to their corners, visibly drained by the fighting. Both commit to the same plan of action--reenforcements are called in. The Pillsbury spokesdoughboy calls in a favor from the Hamburger Helper Hand, as predicted. However, instead of relying on a puny human to do a registered trademark's job, Mr. Peanut gives a quick call to Mr. Salty, who is currently on shore leave. "Handy" (as we'll call him) and Mr. Salty duke it out, and as Handy is one giant duke, he easily crushes the skinny sailor. However, the victory turns tragic as Handy impales himself on the sharp pieces of Mr. Salty's broken body. Back to Square One, it would appear. But Pop'n'Fresh has one more ace up his sleeve...Suddenly the ground trembles in a rhythmic "BWOMP!", "BWOMP!", "BWOMP!". The sound of gigantic footsteps draw nearer, and coming over the hill, one can see a figure who could pass for Pop'n'Fresh's really, REALLY big brother: The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Stay-Puft approaches the ring, pauses momentarily, then, with shades of "Monty Python's Flying Circus", stomps the aristocratic Mr. Peanut out of existence.

- Gail, Michigan State University

There would not be a winner. Mr. Peanut, being an educated aristocrat, would see the fat boy's weakness. Much like the Stay-Puff-Marshmello-Man from Ghostbusters, big fat white boys alway burn in the end. Recalling Roasting 574 (an advanced class for peanuts), Mr. Peanut raises his monocle to the sky, calls upon the godess of honey-roasting sun, and burns the White One.

The White One, smelling defeat, gains RAGE. Not wanting to go out alone, the fat one jumps upon the startled Mr. Peanut and envelopes him. After cooking at 574 for 10 min. a new food substance was created: Breaded Honey-Roasted Peanuts! The new food source goes on to become a best seller to yuppies around the world.

- J.D.

Here's how I see it: They start off circling each other, looking for weaknesses. Then Mr. P. rushes Pop 'n' Fresh and attacks with a blitzkreig of several quick kicks and punches before running back to see how much damage he did. PnF, who was too slow to respond to the swiftness of the Peanut, simply grins and lumbers in the general direction of his adversary. That's when Mr. Peanut realizes all his attacks were simply asorbed by PnF's padding, and goes to a new tatic. He removes his monacle and swings it by it's string to the dough boy, who blocks with his arm. Mr. Peanut grins as the arm is lopped off by the razor sharp string attached to the monacle. Mr Peanut gasps in horror as PnF steps on his arm and reintigrates it into his body while simultaneously growing the arm back (he's dough, remember).

Now the chase begins. Pop 'n' Fresh persues Mr. Peanut through the studio for a few minutes and finally corners the Peanut in a corner of a broom closet. Grinning evilly, he bears down on our poor friend in a nutshell, who in a desperate feat bites the end of his finger off and shoots out - Boiling Peanut Oil! Pop 'n' Fresh is fried alive! After pausing only to spit on and kick his fallen foe, Mr. Peanut runs off to do the commercial at last. The remains of Pop 'n' Fresh are never found.

One year later, Mr. Peanut is back in the very same studio filming another commercial. He is in is dressing room napping when a shadow falls upon him. Waking with a start, Mr. Peanut looks up to see Pop 'n' Fresh, bearing a hardened armor of VERY stale fried dough and a grudge that has waited a year in burning pain for this moment of glory. Peanut hardly has time to scream before the dough boy smashes him to bits with one mighty swing of his arm.

So the Peanut got the commercial, but my dough boy got his revenge!

- Brian Blovett

Pillsbury is a subsidiary of a subsidiary of a subsidiary of a subsidiary of a holding company controlled by the mob. Even if Peanut-boy wins, he'll never make it out of the building alive-- there's just too much money riding on the doughboy, in real estate, in the stock market, in Vegas. Yeah, I know the Mafia connection is an old rumor, but look at the people who spread it! Calvin and Hobbes-- horribly maimed. The giant purple Snorklewacker from Binkley's Closet of Anxieties, Bloom County-- dead. Voltron-- melted down. It seems like something awful happens to everyone wh---

- Niken Adisasmito

Everyone knows Pop N Fresh would win, hands down. Mr. Peanut is just some prissy fop with spindly arms and a brittle punch and he'll shatter in pieces. Pop N Fresh, however, is heavily muscled and a master of Tae Kwon good spin kick and it'll be R.I.P. (Rest In Pieces) for Mr. Peanut.

- Mac

Pop and Fresh reminds me of the mighty George Foreman while Mr. Peanut looks alot like my physics professor. You do the math. Pop and Fresh with the TKO in under 20 seconds.

-Ryan Hockley

HOLLYWOOD (WWWF Press) -- Amateur bakers the world over are mourning the death of their hero, Pop'N'Fresh, who was killed on the set of his latest commercial. Police have taken Mr. Peanut, a suspected pecan pusher, into custody and are expected to charge him with first-degree doughslaughter. Police are still questionning witnesses as to exactly what happened. It appears that Pop'N'Fresh and Mr. Peanut got into an argument over who would star in a commercial introducing the new and improved Planter's/Pilsbury Pecan Pizza Crusts.

What started as a verbal argument turned violent when Pop'N'Fresh tried to use his mass to push Mr. Peanut out of the studio. Mr. Peanut replied by poking Pop'N'Fresh in the stomach with his walking stick. What followed, say witnesses, was a scene so disturbing it will be a Fox mini-series next fall. As Mr. Peanut poked Pop'N'Fresh in the stomach, he let out his trademark giggle, then his face turned the color of moldy dinner rolls, contorted in pain, and he fell over backwards. When he hit the floor, he started going into convulsions and bagan foaming cookie dough at the mouth. He was pronounced dead at the scene shortly after paramedics arrived. Although it is too early to tell, county medical examiner, Dr. Quincy, suspected taht years of repeated tummy pokes had weakened Pop'N'Fresh's rib cage until it collapsed under the pressure of Mr. Peanut's walking stick.

Pop'N'Fresh was famous for his dozens of cookie dough flavors, as well as his croissants, and dinner biscuts. He single-handedly transformed the baking process, by telling people they no longer had to know how to knead and mix ingredients; all they had to do was open a tube of a gelatinous dough-like substance. Mmmmmmm! That's good eating!

Born the illegitimate son of a torrid love affair between Betty Crocker and the Michelin Man, Pop'N'Fresh originally wanted to be a tap dancer. Sortly after it was discovered that his feet didn't make noise, he turned to baking. A notoriously ticklish person, Pop'N'Fresh trademarked his giggle, and used it as part of his sales pitch.

Celebrity Pop'N'Fresh lookalike, Homer Simpson, will be used to complete filming of the latest Pilsbury commercial. If public acceptance of the doughboy lookalike is higher than that of the replacement Morris the cat, Simpson could be signed to a multi-year deal. "We all feel a great loss," said Simpson, "Pop'N'Fresh was a great guy with an schoolgirl's laugh. We have to work through the adversity of his death, but a multi-year deal? Woo-hoo!"

- HotBranch!

(SCENE: A school classroom. The year is 13,006. Outside is a dreary industrial city, reminiscent of 1984 by George Orwell.)

STUDENT 1: Comrade Teacher, how did our great emperor


come to be?

TEACHER: Well, little one, let us find the answer in Holy Scripture (TM). And I quote from The Book of Dough, chapter XIV, verses 3-8.

"And lo, did Pop N' Fresh the mighty, scoff at the foul Beelzegoober, Lord of the Peanuts, And lo, did he say: 'My, but you are a hard nut to crack. Yet I shall a-salt you with my holy wrath!'

The Peanutty One was afraid now, but as our Messiah called his mother, the Doughy One with the Yeast Infection of Thoth, then and only then did he begin to crack. Literally! For as the Yeasty One scorned the Douche of Zeus, she grew in size, aided by the warm sun. And lo, did the Yeasty One become the Breadmistress! And as she squashed the disintegrating peanut, Pop N' Fresh the Merciful, did say: 'No. Let him free. Mother, oh thousand-foot-tall one, I beseech you: Take him and place him in every airplane, and let him be the complimentary snack of the airlines!!!'

Thus spake Pop N' Fresh."

TEACHER: Do you understand now?

STUDENT 2: But Teacher, you never explained how Pop N' Fresh became Supreme Lord of All Existence (TM).

TEACHER: Ah, young one. It was as so. For after Pop's victory, he, aided by his friends Hamburger Helper Hand and Popsicle From the "Let's Go Out To The Kitchen" Commercial, built a nuclear fusion cannon and promptly destroyed Fresno. And the world was so happy that Fresno was no more, they made him Dictator for Life (TM). What nobody knew was that Pop is immortal.

But as they say in the holo-movies, "Tough s***, buster." And after that, Pop became the Second Disco Lord of Tulsa (TM).

STUDENT 3: But who was the first?

TEACHER: That, my student, is a story for another day...

- Conan the Agrarian, First Disco Lord of Tulsa

Not only will Pop-N-Fresh crack Mr. Peanut, but I predict he'll then go after Mrs. Peanut and inflict a nearly incurable yeast infection that will certainly ruin her.

- Dabsads

firstly, allow me to congratulate you on your consistently fine work. that said, mr. peanut all the way. if wrestling has taught us anything, then it has made it abundantly clear that a good blast of salt in the eyes can neutralize any opponent. i think here of course of mr fuji, the great kabuki, and yokozuna, all of whom have employed the salt gambit with great success. i say peanut leads with a salting to the eyes which temporarily blinds pop'n'fresh, and then hammers him to the ground with a series of high protein kicks. he then unleashes a reconstituted confederate army who proceed to sing about atlanta and pound that pastry-soft northener with a fury not seen since since the compsons were are still golfing. they bake hin in ignominious defeat and serve him with mint julips. it could not unfold any other way.

-Bob Mackowycz

Clearly, this will be a tough fight. Let's take a look at the carnage:

The Doughboy will taunt Mr. P with his trademark "Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven! Tee-hee-hee!". I guarantee that this poor english will send the highly educated Mr. P into a homicidal rage, as he remembers how his proper grammar and genteel upbringing was a direct result of ROASTING his peanut body in a oven. He uses his walking stick to stab Doughboy in any number of places; however, Doughy laughs off his attack by instantly healing himself since raw dough is too malleable to disrupt with the cane equivalent of a pin. He attempts to corner Mr. P when the movie snack crew comes out from nowhere (Milk carton, cupcake, cookie, and popsicle) to assist Peanut-man. Doughboy, realizing he's outnumbered, calls upon the Hostess(TM) crew (the Cowboy Twinkie, Captain Ho-Ho, Mr. Cupcake, and Suzy-Q) to help him out. Results:

1) Mr. Cupcake(Hostess) and cupcake(Snack Food Line) will annihalate each other in a matter/anti-matter like collison of frosty goodness.

2) The Cowboy Twinkie will lasso Mr. Peanut, bringing him closer to the Doughboy's sticky arms. However, some kid will mistake him for Woody from Toy Story(TM) and smash his Buzz Lightyear toy down on C.T.'s head, squishing him flat.

3) Suzy-Q and the popsicle fall in love and mosey out of the picture. 'Nuff said.

4) The Milk will open up and disgorge his milky contents onto the Doughboy. This will severly injure the P-D, as raw dough CAN be dissolved by milk. However, Captain Ho-Ho will sail his way up the milky river, and protected by his pseudo-chocolate shell, proceed to open the wrong side of the milk carton, relieving pressure and eliminating the threat. The cookie was waiting for this move however, and does a WWF body slam on the Captain, breaking his waterproof shell. Captain Ho-Ho and the cookie both get soggy in milk and are unable to move.

With all of the milk spilled around, Mr. Doughboy is slowly melting, stuck to the surface of the table where he fell under the liquid calcium onslaught. Mr. Peanut however, has strange but milkproof black appendages and is invulnerable to liquid onslaught. Realizing Doughboy's weakness, he calls upon Hi-C (Mr. Peanut saved Hi-C's butt in Nam), who bursts through a wall, sending bricks flying and dousing P-D with even more of the venomous liquid. Soon the Pillsbury Doughboy is nothing more that an amorphous mass on the kitchen table.

The clear winner: That Alka-Seltzer kid. All that food would give anyone a stomachache.

- R. Kazmierczak

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Winnie the Pooh v. Snuggles, the fabric softener bear
Chucky v. Toy Story
Gumby v. Mr. Bill

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