Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium, March 25th, 2001: The orchestra plays, the audience applauds, and a tuxedo-clad Steve Martin walks to center stage.

"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for--and no, it's not Jennifer Lopez's latest outfit coming undone. It's time to present the Academy Award for Worst Movie. The nominees are--"

"Hold it!" There are gasps as Billy Crystal comes tearing into view, stage right. "I couldn't stay away, folks, not with this crowd of turkeys to inspire my medley." He dons an immense Psychlo hairpiece out of Battlefield Earth. "I'll take it from here, Steve. Hit it, maestro."

"Can it, maestro." Whoopi Goldberg swaggers in, stage left. "Sorry, fellas, but this is my gig. I've learned some brand new curses since '99 that I'm gonna use on that (CENSORED)(CENSORED) President Boy George, so you two can take your sorry, never-even-got-nominated lily-white (CENSORED)es and get off the stage."

"Billy, Whoopi, I'm the host here. If my saying so offends you or makes you uncomfortable--WELL EXCUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE!" Steve tears off his tuxedo, revealing his classic white suit beneath, and dons his battle gear: the arrow-through-the-head.

So, gentlemen, who's the host with the most, and who's toast?

MARK: Jumping Jack Flash! It doesn't take Guinan to figure out that Crystal and Our Friend, Martin don't have a Ghost of a chance against this Sister Act! Ever notice how Steve Martin closes his eyes when he gets in a confrontation. Perfect opportunity for Whoopi to twirl him senseless with her dreadlocks-o-death. Billy Crystal has made being small a career move. Whoopi can headlock him until he's the Color Purple. She'll just put the Boys on the Side and the show will be hers. Dreadlocks or headlocks, The Little Rascals will have a Long Walk Home after tangling with The Player.

And how glorious that will be, too. I'm tired of Billy Crystal's self-deprecating humor. And Steve Martin with his wild and crazy shtick? Back to the seventies for him. Nope, bring me the sharp-tongued razzing that can only be done by one Whoopi Goldberg. Bad movies need to be put in their place. There is no use for them--now that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is off the air. Whoopi's blunt and direct heckling combined with the 2000 retirement of Alan Smithee should bring an end to such horrible, horrible films. Who wants to make a bad film when you might have to actually attach your own name to it? Who wants to endure a Whoopi Goldberg monologue about how much you stink?

Billy Crystal making a medley of the bad movies would only increase them. It would become let's-laugh-at-ourselves ploy for movie studios to gain acceptance through good natured ribbing. Steve Martin would probably turn the Academy Awards into a, if you'll pardon the expression, "chick flick." What we need is the person who helped make the Friar's Club blush! The Friar's Club! Anyone who can do that can turn the movie studios into businesses of quality. That's the person we need! That person is Whoopi Goldberg!

Let's not forget that she's bigger and/or stronger than either of her two opponents. When she's done, it will be Billy Crystal and Steve Martin in need of Comic Relief. After chewing up these two hors d'oeuvres, Whoopi will be ready for a helping of barbecued celluloid.

For the love of all that is quality entertainment, please vote for Whoopi Goldberg! Thank you!

SHANE: Before I begin my advocacy of the inevitable winner, Steve Martin, let me take a moment to finish off Whoopi's chances once and for all.

Six seasons on Star Trek: The Next Generation

I've been on the sharp end of the "Star Trek Must Lose" rule more often than I can count. High time it worked in my favor. I need say no more. (Which is too bad. I had dozens of jokes about Ted Danson and Bruce Vilanch ready, but they'd just waste time now.)

With the field down to two, Steve has all the advantages. He can win with finesse or brute strength in all disciplines. His wit can be a rapier--this is a man who made a play about Einstein and Picasso howlingly funny--or a blunt instrument--c'mon, how subtle is an arrow through the head? His dexterity playing the banjo augurs nimbleness in battle--or he could just whomp Billy over the head with that banjo, or better, peck him to death with his nose. He's got brains (two to be exact), charm (he usually does get the girl), and best for this match, he's a Dirty Rotten Scoundrel. There's also that unofficial Grudge Match™ rule: "Never bet on the white guy." Anyone who's seen The Jerk knows that, with Whoopi dispatched, Steve's the only one left who can capitalize.

And look at Billy. Is that a mighty warrior you see? More like the shrimpy kid in the schoolyard who always loses his lunch money. Whining for help gets him nowhere: Jack Palance isn't up for an award, so he's home doing one-armed push-ups of the liquid variety; Robert De Niro is still getting in touch with his feelings; and Norman the cow, while personally safe in wacky vegetarian Hollywood, is no offensive threat.

Steve Martin's Happy Feet™ will soon be doing a victory dance.

PAUL: To learn why Billy Crystal will win, just Analyze This commentary. (Yes, I know that is a lame movie reference. I have a quota to fill. You try fitting When Harry Met Sally into a meaningful sentence.)

Mark, I want to thank you as one of the little people that made my victory possible. Whoopi is going to destroy bad movies?!? You mean the same woman who starred in cinema feces like "Burglar", "Sister Act 2" and IMDB Bottom 100 "Theodore Rex"? Apparently, she'll take herself out. Please, a moment of silence before Charo takes over the Center Square(tm).

That just leaves Steve Martin, a man who credits his success to "getting to know" Jon Lovitz. Be still my heart!

The key to this battle is experience and hosting, and rookie Steve Martin has none. Mr. Crystal has been the Oscar host seven times and therefore knows all the secrets. He knows where the stars hide the performance enhancing "uppers". He knows just where to stomp on stage to activate the Trapdoor of Long Speeches(tm). He knows which foods at the animal-friendly pre-show buffet make the best weapons. The amateur will quickly grab the banana peel and pineapple. Little does he understand the funny yet deadly combination of lemon juice and zucchini. His ignorance will be his doom.

As if this was not enough, Billy is a master of disguise. This is a man who can convincingly imitate Sammy Davis, Jr., of all people (hey, who's the white guy now?). Once Steve loses sight of him in one of the dance numbers, Billy becomes the T-1000 of Hollywood. He could be anyone: Raquel Welch, Tom Hanks, Pauly Shore the janitor (no, that's not a typo). While Mr. Martin is distracted by a Garry Shandling sighting, Leonardo DiCaprio Crystal presents him with the Oscar for Best Blunt Trauma Victim.

As usual, Billy Crystal just looks Mahvelous(tm)!

The Results

Steve Martin (2586 - 49.0%)

jerks over

Whoopi Goldberg (1626 - 30.8%)

and

Billy Crystal (1066 - 20.2%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

Uh, guys? (Is this thing on?) Guys? Aren't you forgetting someone? The man who's hosted the Academy Awards (tm) more times than all these pretenders put together, squared and cubed? The man who has a golf club and is not afraid to waggle it back and forth while he reads Kentucky Fried Chicken jokes off enormous cue cards? The man who is filled with RAGE (tm) over his constant failure to win Dorothy Lamour in all those "Road" movies with Der Bingle? The nearly one, the practically only BOB HOPE!

What happens between the greaseball, the TNG sage and the Man With Lily Tomlin's Soul is as irrelevant as the lyrics in a [Fill in name of any rock star since about 1970] song. Mr. Hope can single-handedly destroy them all the way he destroyed me: By doing another one of his endless specials, right there on the stage. "Hey, I wanna tell ya, how about them new-fangled reality shows, hah?" If the monologue doesn't make them tumble to the simulated plastic floor, the special guest rendition of "Mr. Cellophane" by Barbara Eden (appropriately clad in a huge plastic sandwich wrapper) will have all three of them begging the men from Price Waterhouse (tm) to lend them their die-rather-than-reveal-the-best-gaffer-award cyanide pills.

But does it end there? No, because while Bob is sticking to his script (pausing only briefly to smirk at the shuddering wrecks who were once the Billster, the Whoopmeister and the semi-Stevola), the awards show will be taken over by a host who isn't afraid to ad-lib: Jerry Lewis. The last time he hosted the Oscars (tm), back in the '50s, he wound up with 10 minutes of dead air time--yes, report it to Jack Palance, there really was an awards show that ran short--and let the whole thing degenerate into a free-for-all with the whole audience coming up on the stage to dance. They never let him host again. Now Jerry's back, and he's pumped full of Buddy Love Juice (tm). By the time he's through, the awards statue itself will be cross-eyed. Of course, he'll also cause all the Oscars (tm) to be awarded to French films, but if Asterix doesn't deserve a lifetime achievement award, who does?

- Captain Corcoran-- was going to write a song parody a la Crystal, but couldn't rhyme "Goldberg" with anything

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Steve Martin: Played The Jerk
Billy Crystal: IS a Jerk
Whoopi Goldberg: .....is ugly.

Steve: Well Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!
Billy: Has no excuse.
Whoopi: Still ugly.

Steve: Arrow through the head.
Billy: I want to put an arrow through his head.
Whoopi: Looks like she survived an arrow to the head.

Steve: King Tut
Billy: His comedy is as old as King Tut
Whoopi: Looks like King Tut

And for the King Gimps playing at home:
Steve Martin is talented. Billy Crystal is not. Whoopi Goldberg is ugly.

- Budo

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM [tie]

Why do good actors keep on making bad movies? The same Billy Crystal who was in "The Princess Bride" and ""City Slickers" makes "Father's Day?" The same Steve Martin who makes "Roxanne" and "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" makes "The Out-of-Towners?" These recent movies are simply impossible to like.

I suggest a bright, airy pasture for talented actors who continue to make movies that aren't any good. There'll be mock film crews so they'll think they're still making movies. They can hang out with Richard Dreyfus, Chuck Heston, Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor, actors who can only ruin their reputation further by ever appearing on film stock again.

Oh, wait, they already have that…it's called Hollywood Squares. Whoopi wins.

- Wubbie (I'll take Lanny Poffo to block)

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM [tie]

Since they're fighting for the right to present the award for worst movie of the year (and why are they even bothering with the presentation, just give the award to Battlefield Earth already so we can all go do something worthwhile), it is only fair that the winner be determined by judging the worst movie each of our combatants has appeared in.

Steve Martin: Hands down, the worst piece of shit Steve's been in is Sgt. Bilko. Besides being just plain unfunny it has additional points against it for being an adaption of an old TV show. Still, thanks to this film he has a troop of lovable military misfits to back him up in battle, which might give him some sort of edge in the fight to come.

Billy Crystal: My Giant. Holy crap did this movie suck, and Billy even had the gall to mention it during one of his notoriously hammy Oscar medleys. What an asshole. Still, a giant foreign guy who plays professional basketball can kick the crap out of a bunch of lovable military misfits any day. At least he can if there's any justice in the world.

Whoopi Goldberg: I was on the verge of naming that movie she was in with Ted Danson (What was that crapfest called anyway? It was so bad I'm not even gonna bother looking it up on the IMBD.) but as a Star Trek fan I gotta go with the sentimental least favorite, Star Trek: Generations. Star Trek always loses. Sorry Whoopi.

So, it comes down to Steve Martin and Billy Crystal. I wanna say Steve Martin will win, simply because Billy Crystal has already had his fifteen minutes of awards show fame . . . and stuck around for an extra hour while everyone rolled their eyes and clapped out of pity. My Giant really was a horrifically bad movie though. I still have nightmares.

The Winner: Billy Crystal, who a few minutes after his presentation of the award to Battlefield Earth will be horribly crushed when his wire mounted chariot loses control during the big Gladiator/Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon parody musical number.

- Don "King" Milliken

It would take a miracle for Billy Crystal to win this one. Fortunately, however, his role in Princess Bride as Miracle Max gives him career experience in providing miracles on demand. Anybody who can raise the dead with one chocolate-covered pill of goodness should have no trouble making these other two ALL dead.

- "Mad Dog" Mike ("Have fun storming the Oscars!")

Need I say More

- Shaun The Other White Meat

Hmm. I need to Analyze This... (ducks) - Paul

That certainly isn't Shinola(tm)

- Charles Wachsmuth

With publicity like that how could Steve Martin lose?

- Milo Bloom

Whoopi was on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Nothing more needs to be said.

Steve Martin...Well, I saw The Jerk, and it's not funny. Idiot.

So, now the Oscars are being given out by Joe, Keanu, and Tori. What horrors.

- Rainwoman

- Topcat

- Bee Feater

There were some problems with the voting system which have since been fixed. - Eds.

- Dabe "The New Prodigy"

- Noman

- Charge Man

- The Animator.

- Katrover Swatroad

Billy Crystal has connections. He has experience. And most of all...he's not as annoying as either Whoopi or Steve. Billy Crystal can call in the reinforcements on this one and be backed by Robert DeNiro, Andre the Giant (Okay, he's dead, but so what?), or any of a host of other people that he has been in a film with.

And if all elese fails, Crystal can fake that he is MOSTLY dead. But remember, MOSTLY DEAD is PARTLY ALIVE. Therefore, once Whoopi and Steve think they've bested him, Billy can get up and get some of his many Hollywood friends to take out the other two would-be hosts.

Winner: Crystal

- Lord Soth

- GUNNY GAIL

Steve Martin: Once upon a time, Steve Martin was considered a really great talent. But that was back in the 1970's when "Saturday Night Live" was actually funny. But now, both are pale shadows of what they once were. Aside from appearing in a few weak films in recent years, Steve Martin has done nothing of any significance lately. This would eminently qualify him to host awards shows in the real world, but this is the Grudge Match and that doesn't cut it.

Whoopi Goldberg: Aside from being the center square in "Hollywood Squares", Whoopi has had a rather checkered career. Most of her films have been overly preachy about race issues ("The Color Purple") or utter crap ("Jumping Jack Flash", etc.). About her only halfway decent film role was in the original "Sister Act". Even then, the film was largely carried by the comic talents of the other nuns. On TV, Whoopi's only good role (and probably her best role ever) was Guinan on "Star Trek: The Next Generation". While Guinan would make a wonderful hostess for just about any program, this match only concerns Whoopi Goldberg. Therefore, she too will fall by the wayside.

Billy Crystal: Actually Billy Crystal is rather funny when he does his celebrity impressions like Sammy Davis Jr. or Fernando Lamas. He does have considerable Oscar experience and that would qualify him to win this match. In fact, I think he would win except that his career too has gone downhill since his success in "City Slickers". Besides, he has already done just about all of his good awards show schtick already. However, if we are just limited to these three, Billy Crystal will win.

But, I feel there is another option. As most people have figured out, the Academy Awards are a fixed competition. How else can one explain that Russell Crowe is considered the favorite in the Best Actor category for "Gladiator" over the vastly superior Tom Hanks who had a more difficult part in the much better film "Cast Away"? Since it is generally believed that the Oscars are rigged, I think the host should be someone who has vast experience with rigged competitions. The winner should be none other than Vince McMahon - event fixer extraordinaire. So, "Let's get ready to rumble!"

- The Demented Astronomer

"Get Carter."

Michael Caine appears from the audience, naked except for a double-barrelled shotgun, but nobody is willing to point this out to him. "BLAM!" Both rounds tear into Whoopi Goldberg, who collapses in a pool of dreadlock roots (in an unscreened "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode, her entire body was taken over by hair follicles).

This leaves only Billy Crystal (uninjured) and Steve Martin (unconscious). Now, I admit that Michael Caine is that bit older than Billy Crystal, but we have to consider Mr. Caine's considerable stamina. He's been in more films than most of us know of (his energy is amazing), and he was in London gangster films before wusses like Guy Richie tried to rejuvenate the genre. Plus, he's now Sir Michael Caine, which means that he must have a sword somewhere.

Steve might be unconscious, but that's better than being hacked to bits by a Dirty Rotten Scoundrel.

Jack Nicholson smiles from his roost at the carnage, but that could just as well be at having taken a Grudgie or for simply being Jack.

- My name is The Nestbeschmutzer.

- felling left out PSYCHO JAY.

"We would like to inform you at this time that the people who hired the people to host this awards ceremony have just been sacked. We apologize for any inconvenience and will be restarting the awards ceremony shortly, at great expense and with several last-minute alterations...."

- ~DoraMouse (natch to anyone who gets the Monty Python reference)

Will there be a Dead Oscars Hosts Sketch? (being directed by Ed Wood, just married Anna Nicole Smith (or OJ Simpson), starring in Hamlet...) - Eds.

Rule One: Star Trek Always Loses.

I seem to recall reading that one of Whoopi Goldberg's early roles was 'answering the space phone for the white guy'. Since what I was reading was a list of '100 reasons why Star Trek sucks' (hey, I'm a slow learner, I need these things explained to me), this gives Ms Goldberg a link to Star Trek. The Star Trek Always Loses rule overides the 'Never Bet On The White Guy' rule. Whoopi goes down.

Rule Two: The French always lose. Always. (Cross-Refernce: Picard, Jean-Luc)

Steve Martin starred in 'Roxanne'. 'Roxanne' was a remake of 'Cyrano de Bergerac' in a modern setting. 'Cyrano de Bergerac' was a French film about a French bloke with a big nose (and when the French reckon you've got a big nose, it's time to start hiding from ivory poachers). Not only do the French always lose, but it is acknowledged that physical deformity is death at the polls in politics.

Tragically, this leaves Billy Crystal as the only winner. Mind you, he's the only one I've seen made up as an old guy, and everyone knows that old and wise beats young and nonarthritic (is that a rule?), even when the old guy doesn't use the word 'Grasshopper'.

If we're lucky, though, the meeting of the 'Star Trek' rule with the 'Never Bet On The White Guy' factor will result in a catastrophic explosion, killing all those present but especially Whoopi Goldberg.

- Will

- rokit88

- Johnny

This sort of heavy punnage is not to be allowed! It is an abuse to the art of Pun, it is an affront to humanity! It is...
Well, at any rate, i didn't like it.

- ~the Stranger

Fact #2; Surviving direct contact with such a being requires something in the nature of a miracle.

I see the fight going like this... (Insert phychic dream sequence here) The Demon Formerly Known as Whoopie comes on stage, and proceeds to disembowl Steve Martin. She turns to Billy "Miracle Max" Crystal, but finds her path blocked by a burning bush. She skirts the bush, and finds herself covered with locusts. Realizing she has met her match, she departs for the netherhells, to unleash her minions, the Olsen Twins, on an unsuspecting world.

As for Steve Martin, they don't give him no fancy funeral, just one like old king Tut!

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

- Quetzalcoatl

- fish

Billy Crystal's obvious lack of height has already been mentioned, and sure, he is jewish, which gives him the abbility to confuse others with tongue twisting Yiddish terms, but this hardly gives him an edge over Steve Martin, who has a good 50 pounds on him.

As for Whoopie... she's one bad ass (and yes, charitable) woman with an attidued, no one denies this. Not to mention, those dread-locks-o- death... scary. So like a midget at a urinal, old Steve will have to stay on his toes, but she just isn't funny, and there for, no match. God know's if I were there I would make sure to point it out to her in as abrasive a manner as possible, forcing her to break down and curl up in a fetal position somewhere downstage. I have no doubt my good friend Steve would do the same.

Mr. Martin is far to resiliant to be beaten by either of these hacks (although, I'll give it to Billy-Boy, "Analize This" was funny), and as we saw in "The Jerk", you just can't keep a black man down.

- Grant

- Scary Bob from Belfast (T5S)

Now, recall with me, if you will, one of Billy Crystal's many, many movies, "Father's Day". In this movie, Billy Crystal makes an art out of the headbutt. It is one with him. It is his fighting move.

It is used here...on Steve Martin.

It works, too, but not without obvious repercussions.

What? It's Grudge Match (tm)! Did you expect a pretty sight afterward?

- Nicholas Eckert
vidstudent

- The Admiral - I voted for Steve Martin because, unlike his competition, he's funny.

Wait till next year! - Shane

The three comics shamelessly try to out-mug each other. Crystal whines! Goldberg moons the audience! Martin gets HAPPY-FEET! Suddenly Robin Williams drives up dressed as Mrs Doubtfire and mows Crystal, Goldberg, and Martin down with a storm of 9mm bullets. Fortunately for Williams, the L.A. police, with their usual Darryl Gates efficiency, arrest Charlton Heston by mistake. "It was a drive-by fruiting!"

- Deacon

Oh yeah, Steve Martin wins it easily. Just because I like him better and I said so. Of course, seeing as how you have fixed these fights Mr. King, I assume my vote doesn't matter.

AND I didn't do this in HTML. Excuuuuuuuuuse me!

- Short time reader, first time commentator

FYI, there was a Battlestar Galactica match and Star Trek is not totally winless. Check out the History section! - Eds.

First of all being Billy Crystal. Come on, this is the man who was in City Slickers and City Slickers Two. This is the man who was willing to suck the poison out of his friends butt. Although it never came to that, an amazing feat.

But then there is Whoopi Goldberg, also known as Guinan on Star Trek. Even though she came of Star Trek that's ok. She has amazing powers, like she can serve drinks to the entire crew, who never seems to appear. Also she has lived longer then Captian Picard(Amazing that she looks about 20 years younger then him though).

But then we have Orin Scrivello(Steven Martin in Little Shop of Horrors). This man was Honored with the American Museum of the Moving Image. Wow...what a wussy award. Why not just give him a big sticker saying 'I'm not good enough to win anything good!!'. He also appeared in The Muppet Movie. Come on, Steve Martin what were you thinking? Trying to beat Kermit the frog. Now that's not right. And my final comment on him. He's a Jerk, but he has the best weapon of all. The arrow-through-the-head(TM).

So here's how I see the fight working out...Steve Martin almost dies right off the bat. The arrow-through-the-head(TM) hits on of his brains, which would have killed a normal man, but Dr. Hfuhruhurr's second brain stopped it from being a problem. Now seeing as he is in trouble because of his lost intelligence he pulls out his banjo and starts to play it.

Whoopi Goldberg hears the infernal instrument and turns towards him. She pulls from her pocket a Loaded Weapon(TM) and shoots him. Steve is gone, but Whoopi having shot him and killed him, drops to the ground and starts to pray(See Sister Act 1 or 2).

Now Billy Crystal, who has been busy polishing his 3 Emmys now sees his chance to strike. He runs up to Whoopi, who is still asking forgiveness, and Taps her Spine. With this deadly move she is gone. Having Billy, Running Scared, from the law.

Now all the hosts are either dead or just pansies. David Letterman gets up on stage and speaks. "It was mearly a plot of mine devised by CBS to upstage those NBC wusses." Then a red dot appears on Dave's forehead and he is shot, landing on the award. The audiance goes home, satisfied with the violence that fills their souls with joy.

- Steven, Clinically Insane.

Bruce Vilanche is ringside in a stupor staring at something, when the bell rings.

Steve martin, who was always a good climber, leaps up and grabs the hanging mike in the center of the ring and works his way up to the ceiling scaffold, where the entire cast of the muppet show is waiting for him.

Meanwhile, Whoopi is chasing Billy, who is running in tight circles, screaming like Tippi Hendron.

Steve grabs his tenor banjo, while the fozzie bear puppet holds up the mike to it. He plays a sprightly complex tune. This is his weapon. The ability to play an instrument well while appearing to be a fool.

Whoopi is mezmorized by the melodic strains and breaks into a riverdance routine. Billy uses this distraction to remove one of his lifter shoes an chuck it at whoopi. The 4 inch insole takes her out quickly.

Bruce Vilanche runs into the ring, loudly singing the obscure lyrics to the andy griffith show theme song and puts Whoopi over his shoulder and higtails it to a studio where she has a doughnut commercail in ten minutes. Unable to stop the 500 pounds of overused comedy, Guest bodyguard Steve McQueen is thrown aside.

Vic Tayback and Robert Vaughn are there as well, Making up half the cast of bullitt. Vaughn is shouting insults to Crystal, threatening to come into the ring and kick his ass personally. Crystal rubs his perpetual five o'clock shadow and decides to fight.

Steve slides down the mic cord back into the ring, but they are unable to fight each other. The spastically wobble around like drunken bicycles, punching air. The permanently pissed Vaughn Leaps into the ring sporting his haircut that's been the same since 1967.

He pummels the comic into oblivion, and then snaps his spine over his knee. Steve Marting snaps his suspenders and plays "I will survive" upon the banjo.

Winner-steve martin by default

- Ed Kilt

-zak

- George "The Animal" Krichbaum

Well, far be it from me to argue with the late great Mr. Kinison. So we can clearly eliminate Whoopi Goldberg from this little contest. That leaves two, and it's pretty obvious that Billy is going to shatter like crystal when he meets up with Steve Martin. Does Billy have any props? No, he does not. He has the aforementioned banjo, and he's got the arrow too; one well aimed sideways thrust of the head and he'll have successfully skewered Mr. Saturday Night through the heart.

Mr. Martin will then delight the crowd by juggling Crystal's internal organs.

- Infraggable Krunk

- The man whoi is royally pissed he missed the Bruce Lee Vs. Jackie Chan fight.

...

...

Well. None of these contestants have been on Grudge Match before. So, let's try the tenuous connection of namesakes.

Whoopi Goldberg: Only person named Whoopi on the planet. Ah, well, let's just give her a negative score for being on 'Star Trek'.

Steve Martin: Ahh... Right, Grudge Match Archives show that Steven Segal lost to Jean-Claude Van Damme by 18 votes, despite the half naked Belgian being a Grade A wanker. There Worships Steve and Brian slugged it out in a back alley, with Steve losing by two votes (out of 1654 - narrow margin). Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, was handily annihilated by Robocop. And over on CBUB Steve Rogers, Captain America, lost to Batman by three votes (out of over 2000), although there is no shame in losing to HIM.
Conclusion: Being called Steve means you usually lose, but narrowly.

Billy Crystal: Groundskeeper Willie took out William Wallace. Too bad they're both called William. Mr Bill was massively defeated by Gumby. And the Buffalo Bills took less than a quarter of the vote against the Minnesota Vikings. Splitters.
Conclusion: Billy always loses, except against other people called Billy.

Right. Now, though, let's look at actual history.

Whoopi: Thinking. Thinking. Nope, no-one called Whoopi in my syllabus.

Steve: There was a King Stephen of England who won a Civil War in the 12th century. He was actually a fairly nice guy, but still was quite unpopular - despite which, he won.

Billy: Okay... brief selection. William the Conqueror: He WASN'T French. He was a Norman - a Viking living in France. He conquered England, despite half his men being French, from a little Duchy in Northern France. William Wallace. Yes, he's already lost a Grudge Match but in real life he was the original hardass. He was a tactical genius and a superb hand-to-hand combatant who won multiple victories against odds that ranged from heavy to overwhelming. Also, he was a Scot - the hardest people on earth (They're descended from the Irish and they live in much, much tougher country. 'nuff said). William, Duke of Cumberland - alias Stinking Billy. Defeated the Scots in 1746. Obviously a major-league hardass, even if the Scots had made the mistake of allying with France. And, finally, William Anderson 'Devil Anse' Hatfield, the original West Virginia Hillbilly patriarch. This man fathered thirteen children, lived 82 years, and ran a war that was only formally concluded a couple of years back.

With the overwhelming might of these historical badasses, hillbillies and Scotsmen on his side, Billy Crystal will kick arse to a spectacular degree.

- Will (Yes, I am voting for my namesake)

-FIGURE- "How dare they bump my time slot to play the Academy awards! And then don't even invite me as host! They should know better than to mess with me! HA HA HA HA HA!"

(Evil laugh continues for several minutes)

(Back at the Academy Awards...)

-WHOOPI- "Well I'm gonna (CENSORED) (CENSORED)(CENSORED) you little white boys!"

-STEVE- "I think not." (Whoopi dives at Steve, but in a burst of frenetic energy he dances away.)

-BILLY- "I'm gonna have to

(Suddenly, the lights go out. Amid screams of panic and Whoopi's unbridled cursing, music begins playing. Strangely familiar music...)

-VOICE- "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-WHOOPI- "Who the (EXTREMELY CENSORED) is that?"

-VOICE- (more gratuitous laughing)

(A dark figure drops from above. Casting aside his cloak and hood, he is revealed as none other than: REGIS PHILBIN!!!)

-REGIS- "NO HOST CAN COMPARE TO MY STRENGTH!"

-WHOOPI- "What the (CENSORED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE) are you gonna do, punk?"

-REGIS- "Hmm, let's ask the audience! Will I:

A)Cluck like a chicken,
B)Go to Capistrano,
C)Get back together with Kathie Lee, or
D)Mangle and kill all of you?

And the audience says...1% for A, 1% for B, 1% for C, and...Wow! 97% for D, Mangle and kill all of you!"

(Since the audience is often but not always right, the results are not totally effective, but do enough. Steve, Billy, and Whoopi (in a fit of cursing) all feel as their power is drained from their bodies.)

-REGIS- "How about a 50-50?"

(Whoopi is split down the middle in a gruesome display. As if Pandora's other box had been opened, the hall is filled with the deafening roar of millions of swear-words. As the censors are overwhelmed, millions of little kids learn a very bad habit in 1.2 seconds flat.)

-REGIS- "Time to Phone a Friend! Or, in this case, an Enemy!"

(Billy goes down, strangled by a phone cord.)

-REGIS- "Fastest Finger!"

(At near light-speed, Regis plucks the arrow from on top of Steve's head and then REALLY puts it through his skull.)

-REGIS- "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

(Lights swing around the stage. Several more people are brought onstage to sate Regis' unwholesome appetite.)

-REGIS- "Time to play, "WHO WANTS TO (CENSORED) WITH A MULTIMILLIONAIRE HOST WITH A DARK SIDE?????"

(The world falls to the evil that is Regis)

- Kannyn the Trandoshan Jedi (The scary thing is that I find this all too real)

- Jonah Falcon (yes, THE Jonah Falcon)

It has been one year since I drew that picture of Joel Schumacher winning the Academy Award for Worst Director. I would now like to formally apologize for not knowing what the HELL Joel Schumacher looked like at the time. Proving, once again, you can hate people without knowing what they look like. Joke six million and one about Joel Schumacher. (It's my personal six hundred thousand nine hundred and fifth.)

- Charge Man - "I hate Joel Schumacher and so do you. ...What Oscar host fight are you talking about? I hate Schumacher!"

Billy dies by the lesser-known, but nonetheless effective rule, the All-Members-of-Saturday-Night-Live-Must-Eventually-Die-Under-Horrible- Circumstances-Curse™.

While it may appear that this same Curse™ applies to the White-Haired One™, Steve was never a member of the cast, he just seemed to be that way, so he is immune.

Besides, Steve has an even more insidious evil working for him...

Steve and Billy stand face to face over the corpse of Whoopi, slain by an unidentified bald assailant who had materialized out of nowhere, literally. No one tried to stop him.

"Well, Steve," Billy growled menacingly (for him). "Are you prepared?"

"Hah! Does a duck eat its own feet?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It's time I ended this madness, Billy!" Martin pulls out a rubber chicken, a ukelele, and finally, a cell phone. He rapidly dials a number and shouts orders in a foreign language. Within seconds, wave upon wave of Disney© Lawyers™ descend like locusts (the only insect to pull off the "descend" manuever effectively) upon Billy. Before long, all that is left of the former Mr. Saturday Night is a dessicated carcass covered in copyright forms and lifetime contracts.

Billy knew not of what evil he was up against. For Steve Martin is part of a family more insidious than the Family™ itself - Disney©! Yes, Steve got his start at the beginning of the Second Reich of Disney, Disneyland itself! This, coupled with the Oscars taking place on Disney's channel, ABC, assures certain victory for the Wild and Crazy Guy!

- Tracer "What the Hell was That?" Malone

1) Crystal Ball - Great for "psychics" but not in use much anymore. "Billy Tarotcards" might have a chance if he can do the Jamaican accent.

2) Whoopie cushions - haven't seen one since fourth grade, which is about the time Star Trek used up all it's good material, anyway. (How'd she get into this one?)

3) Doc Martins - contrary to popular belief, these are not named after the seventh Dwarf. Steve Martin put his name on some comfortable footware that doesn't require an arrow through the head to enjoy.

In summary, 2 of the three won't survive the match, so no matter who's on top, we all win.

- Tall Burlish Artichoke

Compare:

"I'm a little black woman, in a big silver box" is not funny. Watching Whoopi dragged down the street inside a phone booth was funny. This line was not. (™ c/o Jumpin' Jack Flash)

"Don't f--- with Mr. Zero" is an innately funny line, ™ c/o When Harry Met Sally. I laugh at that every time I see this movie (which my fiancee makes me watch far too often, but which always pays off in spades due to the romantic mood it cultivates.) So I almost voted for the more experienced Crystal...

Until a voice behind me barked "Don't move or I'll fill you so full of lead, you'll be using your d--- for a pencil!" This sharp imperative, while vaguely threatening, was also uproariously funny. I began shaking and heaving with uncontrollable laughter, and got shot in the can for my trouble. But my choice was clear, and when I voted for Steve Martin, Lucky Day apologized profusely, gave me not-an-ordinary- thermos, and drove me to the hospital where he met his wife and daughter who were BOTH in labor. A man this busy deserves my vote.

- Obscured Underlord, Wild and Crazy Guy

- Budo, from City Alpha 5

- Grandmaster B

- toadboy

Whoopi Goldberg
The last thing she did that anyone gave a damn about was ghost and star trek the next generation. No she is put out to pasture in the washed up/has-been game show Hollywood Squares. Sure she is the middle one all the time, but its Hollywood Squares. How much longer until she is on commercials trying to sell me a recliner or life insurance. She is fighting for her life in this one, her career is shakyer than Michael J. Fox operating a jackhammer.

Billy Crystal
He just came off hosting the academy awards for the second time and has had recent success with Analyze This. He will nonchalantly assume he will do fine because they love his played "jewish backround" gimmick

Steve Martin
Steve who is financially well off due to his good investments and intelligence is not very motivated at all. His career although lacking as of late does not bother him due to the image he has and recognizability.

So that out Steve will leave upon the first sign of trouble not wanting to seem like a jerk. Billy is a bit stubborn though and will try to haggle Whoopi off the stage with promises of offers in an upcoming movie. But Whoopi with her fast talking and coincidentaly fast fists will put Billy right next to Jack Palance (which is the caboose of the pain train). At the end of it all the only thing on the audiences mind will be the sassy talkin no nonsence whoopi and she will star in three made-for-straight-to-video movies before staring along side Arnold in his next big flick a WW2 drama: I Blow Things Up, Ya

- Fitz

And dirty Whoopi Goldberg, Oh God, let’s just put it this way; her dirty hair looks like a piece of toast that was all but forgotten in the toaster. I’d be willing to wager any amount of money against someone whose hair can be mistakenly eaten. Dangit! Give me some freakin strawberry cream cheese spread and a knife please. The audience will in all likelihood charge the stage out of hunger or at very least in vehemence. By the way, has anyone out there ever tasted an eldaberry they’re to scream for.

So, as luck would have it, I perfunctorily declare Steve Martin the victor by default and nothing more.

- jon bowman

- Dan, from Chicago

King Tut: DEAD.

Whoopie's prospects for a decent movie: DEAD.

Miracle Max from The Princess Bride: power over the fate of the the (mostly) DEAD.

Pretty easy pick from there

- Mr. Silverback- Y'all forgot never to bet on the non-Jewish White Guy.

- Spanky

Once upon a time there was the son of a rich noble. He was everything you might expect from a son of a young noble. He was handsome, rich, well educated, snobbish and a total ..... well you get the idea. One day he decided to take a ride by himself in the hills near his fathers estate. While he was he turned a corner a little quick ran right into a giant. The giant (being a rather nice guy to begin with) appoligized to the noble. Of course the nobles respone was typical. "Well you should appoligize! Do you know who I am!? You should feel lucky just to have met me! Now if you grovel I may forget that this whole thing happened." Now the giant was a rather nice guy but he is a giant and this is about the same as your action figure trying to talk down to you. "How about this" said the giant "I'll tear your legs off and shove them down your throat. But since I'm a nice guy I will let you go if you can beat me in a tounge twister contest." Now the noble was a total snob but he wasn't stupid enough to not realize he was in trouble. So the contest began in earnest and it lasted long into the night. In the end the noble lost, had both his legs ripped off and shoved down his throat.

The moral of the story? It takes a quick tounge to keep your feet out of your mouth.

What does this have to do with the match?

Well nothing really I just like that story. I voted for Steve just because I love his work.

- Spam boy

Of course, sharp-minded readers will remind us of the Dana Rosenblatt Exception to the Caveat: "...unless he's Jewish." This would ordinarily indicate a Crystal victory. However, Whoopi Goldberg is both Black AND Jewish. This combination bestows upon her two rare abilities: 1) she can make "Rev." Louis Farrakhan pause for thought and 2) logically, she should be able to neutralize the Rosenblatt Exception, allowing the Uncle Olaf Caveat to come through for her unabated. The smart money says that Ms. Goldberg will beat the feathers off these two turkeys, using the plumage as stuffing for some nice "Whoopi cushions."

- Matt Bricker

- Tam Xcalibur

- Akhamed - demahkA

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

THE FINAL WORD...

Anyone ever notice that the Oscar™ Hosts are always better actors than the people winning? Its frickin' eerie.

- The Amazing Wonder Jew

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Worst Actor Academy Award
Worst Actress Academy Award
Worst Director Academy Award

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Next Match: Do you have a reservation?
ETA: Monday, March 26th, 2001