Los Angeles, California

The packed house at the Staples Center is rocking. It's Wrestlemanya VI! Filled exclusively with WWWF fans (with the exception of the obligatory Hollywood celebrities inhabiting the ringside seats), the crowd has been worked into a frenzy by another spectacular wrestling under card. That and the free beer.

With a broken Mike Tyson, who lost his battle to eat Lennox Lewis's children, being carted from the ring, it's time for the main event. A large roofed steel cage lowers, its footprint encompassing the ring and some of the surrounding floor. Inside the cage are scattered a variety of weapons: garbage cans, steel chairs, megaphones, kendo sticks, fire extinguishers and the like. But there are no firearms or chainsaws - there will be no quick merciful deaths tonight. The promoters want the combatants to suffer.

The booing commences. The first participant, wearing a brown robe with the word "Puppy Power" on the back, rushes the ring with the Mystery, Inc. Gang in tow. The special guest-referee, prop-comic/shill Carrot Top, lets him into the ring. Though short, the fighter expresses eagerness to "splat" his opponent.

A John Williams overture temporarily drowns out the boos, which only get louder in response. Seconded by Padmé and Boss Nass, a hesitant alien walks down the aisle. He is showered with beer bottles, which shatter harmlessly on the bulletproof glass specially installed to prevent crowd interference. With a shove from Nass, the would-be warrior enters the cage. Carrot Top locks the cage with only himself and the two combatants inside.

Tonight, two of the most annoying, hated characters in the universe will fight to the death, Hell in a Cell style. Who says there is no justice in the world?

So Paul, which of these hated horrible hacks hammers the hell out of the other?

PAUL: One does not need the Force(tm) to foresee a Jar Jar victory.

Scrappy-Doo is far out of his weight class, giving up a minimum of one hundred pounds and three feet in height. His arms are so short he can barely reach the end of his own nose, which will make it difficult to even pick up any of the weapons, all of which are at least as tall as he is, much less hit Jar Jar with one. Jar Jar will be able to strike with impunity from a distance using only his tongue, a skill, which combined with the incredible beating he is about to hand out to a helpless creature, should earn him the everlasting love of guest celebrity Pamela Anderson.

Binks is a war hero, so he knows how to fight and what to expect. From his time with his Uncle Scooby, Scrappy has learned that (1) monsters never actually hurt anyone, (2) most monsters can be rendered powerless by removing their rubber mask and (3) if all else fails, Shaggy and Scooby will pull him out of trouble. He is, more or less, a spoiled brat with a false sense of courage. As soon as he realizes that Jar Jar isn't wearing a mask and his uncle cannot bail him out this time, he'll wet himself. Then the Gungan will take the ultimate anti-puppy weapon, a rolled-up newspaper, and teach him some manners. At least Scrappy will be housebroken before he learns to play dead.

Finally, there is the matter of destructive force. Jar Jar isn't just annoying. He has done something that Mark Hamill's motorcycle accident, Ewoks and Wookiee porn have been unable to do: he has ruined Star Wars. One of the greatest movie sagas ever has been reduced to a French sitcom. Die-hard Star Wars fans (you know, the ones that have actually watched the entire Star Wars Holiday Special) are now whimpering messes, sacrificing their precious blue Snaggletooth action figures on the pyre in the hope that the great god Lucas will spare them from Episode III. In comparison, despite Scrappy's all-out efforts to ruin everything with that dreadful Scooby-Doo movie, Mystery, Inc. is more popular than ever. He can't compete.

Mesa no gonna die. Woof-woof gonna boomer.

DAVE: That's great, now Paul is talking like a damn Gungan. There's a famous saying: "It ain't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." Particularly appropriate here. Scrappy is ready to brawl at a moment's notice, no matter who he's up against. Jar Jar, on the other hand, is a complete coward. If you remember, he was only just saved from an ass-whomping at the hands of Sebulba, who looks to me about the same size (and disposition) as Scrappy. Binks will be too scared to even pick up a weapon.

Yeah, Jar Jar is some great war hero. Those sounds you're hearing, Paul? Snorts of derision. Jar Jar was a quivering wreck until the entire army he was facing was switched 'off'. But if you truly believe you can measure a fighter's worth by the calibre of his opponents, then consider:

Jar Jar: Lifeless hunks of metal.
Scrappy: At best, ghosts and monsters, and at worst, thieves, smugglers and other criminals.

We all have to remember that this is Jar Jar God Damn Binks. I mean, Scrappy is not-exactly well-liked, but Jar Jar is loathed. He's probably the most hated being in the entire universe. Even though you count ruining Star Wars as one of his accomplishments, I would remind you that this is a fight, not an anti-popularity contest. Even Binks' own cornermen are probably embarrassed to be there. If not, Padmé will be too busy flirting with Fred at ringside. Ditto for Velma and Boss Nass (a match made in heaven!)

Jar Jar Binks will die, slowly and painfully. Star Wars fans have long waited for this day.

PAUL: Star Wars fans also long waited for Episode I. I sense a theme of disappointment.

If the prequels have taught me anything (other than George Lucas should be frozen in carbonite before it's too late), Jar Jar fights hard when he has no other choice. He handed out serious damage to those battle droids, who would crush the Jedi a decade later. And he did most of the damage by accident - just think what he could do if he really tried. And even if Jar Jar decides to flee, that can only help him in a ring littered with weapons. While the Gungan uses his long legs to step over them, Scrappy will plow right into them a la Tom and Jerry. The puppy will step on the rim of a garbage can lid and flip it straight into his face. We can only hope that there are hedge clippers somewhere so he can neuter himself and save us from another generation of "Puppy Power".

Furthermore, Binks will have the full support of his corner. Remember, these are people who voluntarily appeared in Episode I. They have no shame. Furthermore, since Padmé actually likes the Gungan and Anakin will do anything to hide the lightsaber, er, to show his true love, that means Jar Jar has the future Darth Vader on his side. And when you annoy him, you start shopping for a smaller dog collar.

Remember, you cannot spell "Scrappy-Doo" without "Crappy-Doo". Which is redundant. And appropriate.

DAVE: We've argued our way through many a Grudge Match, but never have you been this deluded. Your logic is astounding. Because Jar Jar accidentally disabled a few battle droids, he's somehow imbued with great fighting ability when he "really tries"? How hard was he trying when he nearly electrocuted himself on Anakin's podracer? Or when he surrendered to the droids after they broke through that force field? Face it, Jar Jar is an idiot and a coward and... Oh, why am I even bothering? If you haven't figured this out already, then there's no hope for you. If you hurry, Paul, you can still get an armload of crappy Jar Jar merchandise before it disappears forever.

While Scrappy-Doo may be annoying, at least he is annoying in a hostile, pugilistic way. And let's face it, we never really got the chance to see what he could do in a fight. Even if Jar Jar somehow works up the courage to mount an offensive, he'll quickly learn what we've suspected all along: that "Scrappy" is more than just a mere name. The pup will attack from every angle, hitting the many weak points of Gungan anatomy. With no-one around to restrain him, he'll tear into Jar Jar like a buzzsaw hitting a frog.

Now that I'm finished with you, Jar Jar lover, I would like to take a moment to address our audience. Gentle readers, I know we here at Grudge call upon you to make some important decisions. Sometimes, when neither competitor is particularly popular, we ask you to pick the lesser of two evils. Many of you clamor for an "All Mangled and Killed" option. Well, now you have it. But I would encourage you to take the high road, pick a side, and defend it. Don't just take the easy way out. I know the prospect of seeing both Jar Jar and Scrappy die is a tempting one, but at the end of the day, could you live with yourselves having handed Jar Jar even a draw?

Thanks to Nathan Alderman, Wombat, Derrick Nunnally and Michael Hutson for suggesting this match

The Results

Carrot Top (2069 - 43.2%)

dials down on

Scrappy-Doo (1673 - 35.0%)

and

Jar Jar Binks (1043 - 21.8%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

Dave, Paul, You have both missed the point.

Neither Scrappy nor Jar Jar is a fully fleshed individual entity. Both are archetypes. They are living embodiments of the deepest regions of the human psyche.

Jar Jar represents human anxiety. He is the myopic, gangly, clumsy, fool who only survives through the sheerest blind chance. He is stupid and nobody respects him. He is what each of us hates, and secretly fears that we actually are. He is the force that tells us to hide ourselves behind a mask of "cool" so no one can see what we really are.

Scrappy represents repressed violence. He is aggressive, belligerent, and completely unaware of any danger to body or reputation. He urges us to cut off slow moving trucks. He is the voice that whispers in our ear that we ought to hang our stupid boss up by his ankles and kick him until he passes out.

Now ask yourselves, why do we ignore that little 'scrappy' voice? Is it not because we are afraid? We are afraid of bodily harm or financial retribution or reputational damage. Our anxiety is more powerful than our rage.

Ergo, Jar Jar cannot lose this fight. Think about it. The embodiments of anxiety in the Scooby-Doo universe, Shaggy and Scooby, have consistently displayed an ability to render Scrappy ineffectual. Jar Jar is anxiety on a scale that Scrappy would be too terrified to even look in the face, afraid that he might see his own inner fool looking back at him.

However, I predict that since such anxiety is terrifying to the hearts of most if not all of your readers, that Jar Jar will be VOTED to be killed, since we are too afraid to admit to his power over us. Which, of course, only proves that power.

- Carl Jung would be proud

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

When I went to see Episode II (cringe, whimper), we saw Jar Jar in a position of power. He has had time to mature. Know what happens to respected Gungans? BNS aka Boss Nass Syndrome. 10 chins, drool out of every orifice (Yes Paul, even the navel.) Scrappy rolls into a ball and knocks over Jar Jar, then urinates into his mouth until he drowns.

- Wendell

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

WHY?

WHY??

Don't you know what you have done? You have put the three worst creatures on earth in a cage!

The last time three annoying thigns were together, they ended up creating David Spade!

So, after our evil spawns mate, now we will have a squeaky voiced, energenic gay man.

Dear god, you've created Jack from Will and Grace!

DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!

- Mr. Chaos (in case you don't get it, it was Mike Myers, Adam Sandler and Dana Carvey who combined.)

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

When crap fights crap, the janitors are the only real losers. Grievences will undoubtedly be filed for this.

- Walker: Plexus Ranger

Paul, you almost hit on the most important issue of all. Almost.

Do me a favour. Watch Episode II again. Yes, you can snicker when Obi- Wan gets hugged by fat, greasy Dexter. Yes, you can throw objects at the screen when Anakin waxes poetic about his hatred of sand. But pay attention to the Senate scene.

Jar Jar is the one who gives the Emergency Powers to Palpatine, and thus is the one responsible for ol' wrinkly becoming the Emperor. The might of the Empire, which has three champions under its belt, owes its very existence to Jar Jar. It's always the one you least expect, isn't it?

As the fight begins, the Emperor's disciple makes himself known, brutally throttling Scrappy with his tongue. Scrappy, being a Hanna- Barbera cartoon and thus ignorant of anything requiring creative thought, has no defense. The crowd's screams of bloodlust become screams of horror as the Gungan turns his attention to them. The audience soon learns what "All Mangled And Killed" feels like from the other side.

Wipe them out... all of them.

- Oxymoron "Good, bad, I'm the guy with the Gungan."

Think about it...if you were trapped in a cage with Carrot Top, would YOU want to go on living? Scrappy and Jar-Jar promptly form a mutual- suicide pact and put each other out of their misery as soon as possible. (We can only hope that meanwhile, a quick-thinking member of the maintenance crew is busy welding the cage shut and calling in a couple of Chinook helicopters to lift cage, ring and all to a remote volcano for safe disposal...!)

- John the Bastard (Wishing for a "Nuclear Weapon Dropped On Arena" option...)

That said, the winner must sadly be Scrappy, as he is the more obscure figure and thus has avoided his fair share of loathing. Jar Jar must have a broken mind, having recieved the full hatred of every sane person in the world - normally a Rage(tm) situation, but The Rage(tm) is useless if you're curled up in a ball in the corner.

I suppose the lesson of this match needed to be taught. I suppose the best we can do is survive and learn from the experience, and try to continue as normal afterwards. For any Grudgies that need that shoulder to lean on in these difficult times, 'The Paul&Dave Memorial Support Line For Distressed Souls'(tm) is now available at {555}-234-2352.

- Mixmaster Flibble

$20 the first minute, $100 each minute thereafter. It's a living. - Paul

In the live-acxtion movie"Scooby-Doo",Scrappy has a mystical demonic medallion,the daemonis Ritus or some shit,that turns him into a 50 foot dog monster.

So all Scrappy has to do is use this medallion and devour Jar-Jar Binks, Carrot Top, Sarah Michelle Gellar, George Lucas, Hillary Duff(one of the ringside celebrities)AND Barney and Wesley.

What a wonderful world...

- Tyler Durden

Today, I was given a choice: Go to a boring as frick craft show with my wife and mother-in-law, or babysit a total of four kids (ages 1-9 years).

It's like asking, "Do I slit my wrists with a meat cleaver or shoot my face off with a twelve gauge??"

...And you sly sons-of-bitches snuck Carrot-Chop on me? To borrow a phrase from the great American classic "Spies Like Us", it's like someone cut off his head and stuck him with a "permanent orange afro". You guys suck. I'm never ever coming back to this site again. I'm gonna sue for fraud and false advertisement, yeah, that's the ticket. You didn't give me that red-headed f*%# monster as an option. I've been gyped, and I think this incident is gonna be so traumatic to my inner self that I'm gonna need more of my Viagra, Prozac, Zanax, and Nyqil (it's the 12th step for the AA crowd) just to make it through the day.

Thanks a whole hell of a lot. Sons of bitches....

- The Genie

- Flaming Trails

- Tracer Malone (What? I like Carrot Top! *is torn apart by an angry mob*)

Duh. - Eds.

Which is what Jar Jar is as well, afraid to fight, as he has run away from a lot of his fair share of battles and wars and what not. So, what will happen is that niether of them will do nothing! Nothing at all! Scrappy will start off moving around, throwing punches, and saying "Lemme At em!", but he wont get dragged away. He will then get worried, as he hasnt been pulled away yet due to the cage, and just keep on doing it. Meanwhile Jar Jar will be scared that he WILL do something, and will try to leave the cage, but obviouslly he cant so he will just stay still in fear. Thus, niether of them will do anything to the other, as they are too afraid to do anything to each other, as they are afraid of each other.

After about an hour or so of this, the crowd will get restless, and Carrot Top will be forced to do something. He will then kill them both, and from the confines of a steel cage that he has the key to, he will start his horrible comedy retuine. People will run for the exits, but it will be so crowded, people will riot against each other to get the hell out of there. Those who arint killing each other to leave, will die when thier head's expload, due to the horrible comedy of Carrot Top. Now, all I have to know, is this...

WHY, GRUDGE MATCH, WHY?!

- Travis Yak

After all, Scrappy does bear a resemblance to a Chihuahua pumped up on steroids and as we saw in the movie, he was filled with RAGE (TM) towards the mystery machine gang...and Carrot Top does look a bit like the love child of Shaggy and Daphne....

My prediction: Everybody in the cage is dead, Jar Jar having his throat ripped out, Carrot Top decapitated and disemboweled, and Scrappy from choking on Carrot Top's hair after using it as a rope toy.

- Jon Q.

- The Ugly Duckling Who Grew Up To Be An Ugly Duck

Peace out!

- That demonic chinchilla

Did you not consider that Carrot Top as well, would be unable to escape such a fate? But Carrot should not worry - he will have his captive audience in the end.

Seconds after the bell sounded, all that will be left is a completely torn apart ring, shattered glass, bits of hair from Scrappy and Carrot and a single eyeball from Jar Jar.

The three unfortunate people who were in the ring when this horror occured now reside with Satan. In pathetic attempts to beat up, Scrappy is picked up and cuddled by Barney, while Jar Jar and Wesley discuss the Death Star-Enterprise match.

And Carrot Top? He is now employed by the Devil, and his captive audience are the other damned souls in residence here, screaming that nothing else in Hell compared to this torture. If that's not enough to make you repent your sins, I don't know what is.

- Richard

Besides, while the Gungan has enough sense to RUN, Scrappy is suicidal and confronts everything head on.

- Potman the predator (NOWHERE TO RUN BITCH, NO WHERE TO RUN!!!!!!!!!!)

Hear me now, Grudge Staff, for the Keeper™ Speaks, and if you listen closely, his light shall illuminate your mind to see what is painfully obvious.

Many of the fans of Wrestlemanya VI™ were the same ones in the audience of that fateful Midnight at Madison Square Garden. Plus, many new fans. Suprisingly, most of these fans are sitting in the upper deck, leaving the ringside seats to the really annoying characters™ such as Tweety Bird™, Kazoo™, WonderTwins™, Olive Oyl™, Snarf™, The Spice Girls™, The entire cast of the New Mickey Mouse Club (Which inclused BOTH Christina Agulera and Brittney Spears)™, The New Kids on the Block­™, Keeanu Reeves, The Bay City Rollers, Marylin Manson™, Courney Love™, Gilbert Godfreid™, and Eminem™. Unbeknownst to all of them, mainly because they all have Double Digit IQ's...the carnage is about to begin. Douglas Jackson made note on that fateful night of the fact that A very large audience with a huge supply of firearms, knives, chainsaws, explosives and more raw hate than you can poke a stick at....tonight is merely on a larger scale...

DAS, from Philidelpha, PA. is in the audience with his 12-guage shotgun. Kirk F. is talking to all nuglear superpowers. The Militia Etheridge (© whoever said this on the WWWF) is waiting with the rest of the Dykes on Bykes™. A certain Mowhawked Psycho is looking out of a luxury skybox with his 1982 custom GMC Van parked with him. Keeper of the Light, hiding in the shadows, fingers his Katana in axiety.

Carrot top rings the bell. Mr. T opens fire first, being our Patron Saint™, and knowing that every shot will miss, hoards everyone in the front rows and the contestants and referre into the dead center of the stadium. After that, the carnage can only be described as "bloodier than the ladies' room's trashcans after a PMS Symposium." Greneades arc, shotguns fire, A faceless marine with the BFG 9000 fire into the ring area. The rest of the violence was too gruesome to recall--even for my perverted mind. Many foos were pitied this night, and the smoke cleared, Showing ruin much like the north face of Mt. St. Helens--much like an Iraqi army base--much like the snack bar offering free ribs with John Madden and William Perry in the audience.

And there was much rejoycing.

- © Keeper of the Light. Sorry about the shameless plug...

Scrappy-Doo: Imprisoned and impersonated Mr. Bean, nearly conquered the planet with an army of demons, and whizzed on Sarah Michelle Gellar.

A dog with the balls to relieve himself on Buffy versus a klutzy alien lacking enough brains to know when he's being manipulated. Jar- Jar dies painfully and Scrappy pees on his corpse.

- Stretch Dude, Lover of Bad Movies

- Censored Man (I also can't remember chunks of my childhood)

- The Embittered

I believe I can explain this. Jar Jar Binks is an avatar of The Creator. He is the Godhead. The personification of divinity. He is the living presence of the omniscient and omnipotent Lord of Hosts who rules all things.

Can you prove he isn't?

Unfortunately, I suspect that Scrappy Doo is similarly indestructible. Perhaps they are a divine duality locked in never- ending conflict throughout all the ages of eternity, like Ormazd and Ahriman.

Which means the ones to get mangled and killed will, sadly, be the audience.

- -Mr. Glag -- "Meesa Am That Meesa Am"

ROUND 1. This match is at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.
The Staples Center is the home of the LA Clippers in b-ball. The Clippers suck so we'll go to their rival team, the Lakers. The Lakers just aquired The Glove (Gary Payton), and The Mailman (Karl Malone). Therefore we will give Scrappy a boxing glove, and Jar Jar a mailman's can of Mace. Jar Jar promptly sprays himself with mace and Scrappy's glove falls on top of him pinning him to the ground.
Advantage: Even

ROUND 2. The Babe Factor(tm) vs. The RAGE(tm)
When these two powers cross each other the result is always close. Jar-Jar has Padme on his side, and Scrappy is sick of being so freakin' short. However in Episode II, when Jar-Jar sees Anakin again for the first time, he shouts "Mesa burstin with happiness at seeing yous again Ani!" Now this was a bit too friendly for my liking, so the logical conclusion is that Jar-Jar is gay, eliminating the Babe Factor(tm).
Adv: Scrappy

ROUND 3. 2D Animation vs. 3D CGI (Computer Generated Image)
Scrappy is 2D, Jar-Jar is 3D. Scrappy can give Jar-Jar a paper cut. Jar-Jar can sneeze and blow Scrappy to the ground.
Adv: Even

Round 4. Who hates Carrot-Top more?
Scrappy has had to deal with Carrot Top's commercials being on during his reruns for years. Jar-Jar has been classed in the same genre as Carrot-Top, Loserus Maximus(tm) which he thinks is an insult, not realizing it as truth. Both of them pummel Carrot-Top to death, and steal his key. "I'm being murdered, must call for help! 1-800-CALL-A...." Silence. Scrappy mutters, "911 would've been quicker, reject."
Adv. Even

Round 5. Reinforcements, the deciding factor.
Scrappy has the Mystery, Inc. Gang. Jar-Jar has an army of Imperial Bucketheads(tm), aka clones, aka stormtroopers, who for the moment are still on Jar-Jar's side. Now everyone knows that stormtroopers suck, except against red-shirts, but the clones whoop up on anyone who comes near them. Granted, Scrappy is a small target, so the clones decide to just chuck a bomb down there, and "hope" that Jar-Jar manages to live.
Winner: THE EMPIRE

- <-<-<-Orion>->->

- DomaDragoon

- Jungle Warrior

No, let's look at the setup even more closely than initially suggested.

We're dealing with a ring completely encased in glass that is effectively invulnerable from anything anyone could try. I mean, it would have to cover all sides, even the bottom, to make sure that nobody tried anything sneaky like tunnelling under to get at them all. It would have to have no holes for air to prevent people from gassing them out (so you'd lose a couple million Grudge fans - small price to pay, right? And all the sensible fans bring HazMat suits to a match anyway).

So we've sealed up Carrot Top, Scrappy Doo, and Jar Jar Binks in a glass prison, and absolutely nothing can get in? Even, say, more oxygen?

That's right! They've only got enough oxygen as can be compressed into that little space. Sure, Carrot Top has a key, but everyone there will do whatever it takes to keep that door shut.

Wow, Grudge Match has managed to come up with a scenario that results in the death of these three. I'm so happy... I'm gonna cry.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

So he ruined Star Wars? Whoop-tee crap, despite It's legions of virginous desciples. The whole Star Wars Universe is tripe. Look at the original trilogy, the crappy over used plots. Save the princess, a villain in a mask and cape, the they all turn out to be related? Garbage! The only saving grace in the first films was Leia in slave girl uniform, and Ultra Bad-Ass Boba Fett. The two sequels however were nothing short of supreme patheticness in all it's craptacular glory. The Phantom Menace? Ok look, it's a child BORN OF EMACULATE CONSEPTION, i.e. his Virgin mother, who has amazing powers beyond normal humans, who is predestined to bring peace to the universe. Settin the Sacrilidge of space Jesus aside. Who else noticed the trade federation villains with obvious asian stereotype accents? The Attack of the Clones was two hours of inside joke (Obi Wan saying that Anakin will be the death of him, Anakin getting a limb removed by a Sith Lord, etc) Oh and once again as in every movie a monster of some kind tries to eat the Jedi. All and all Jar Jar has long since deserved death for managing to become the crappiest character in an over-hyped universe of crap.

As far as the puppy, who's mother we all wished had been spaid goes. Why do so many people like a show where every episode ends the same? It's a guy/woman/robot in a mask scaring away locals whilst they commit varios criminal acts. Then along come a pot smoking hippie and his equally addicted dog (there's some doobie in those scooby snacks, how else could you explain two scrawny characters who never gain a pound despite always being hungry, i.e. the munchies, who are also often found to be jittery, paranoid, and laughing at the most inappropriate moment?) Then you have the snotty little book worm who has obviouly long been harboring both a desire to kill the rest of the "Gang". Lastly you have two ascot wearing nitwits who always split the gang up so they can go back to the van and make out! Yet everytime "Those meddling kids and the stupid mutt" manage to, in some zany manner or another, capture the bad guy once again. The show itself is bad enough, then Hannnah and Barbera pulled out this mutant chiuahuah from the same crap pit that they pulled that freak of a donkey who follows Quick Draw McGraw around. The little mutt only ever manages to stupid up an already moronic situation. These fact plus his little battle tune and "Puppy power" has gained this little turd a one way trip to oblivion.

- Dehydrated Goulash addict Man

After so many years of begging, pleading, DESPERATE for a "Both Mangled and Killed" button, THIS is the reward of our groveling? Watching so many unworthy contestants escape from combat alive when so many wish them torn up into pieces easily digestible by a rottweiler? Quivering with unrepressed fury as we, disgusted with ourselves, vote FOR some entity that deserves a slow, painful, torturous death, preferably involving sharp rusted edges and episodes of Roseanne?

WE ARE WORTHY OF THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE DEATH FOR BOTH PARTIES!!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU PEOPLE ARE???

By the way, I've gone into photo editor and created a button to mangle and kill Carrot Top, Scrappy, Jar-Jar, and everyone who was a party to this henious act. Don't mess with me.

- The Mad Josher

- The crabby, old, bitter guy

- Tylerco

- David Gorman, The Guy who did the Thing with the Stuff,

- The Amazing Fat Man

Yes, now I know that this leaves the Dark Lord Carrot Top alone in the ring, but do you really think that bullet proof glass can hold back Angry Grudge Match Fans™ from his horribly lame comedy act? Unless the evil annoying redhead splits the earth and summons Barney and Wesley to fight to the death for our entertainment, we'll all storm the cage with enough force to knock over Superman and Mr. T combined.

At this point, the best course of action would be to pressure Carrot Top into a showdown against fellow demon Richard Simmons. Better yet, we could revive Binks & Scraps (well, maybe not Binks), and let all four of them beat the crap out of eachother. Even more, we could give them pain killers so they don't feel hurt, and watch those annoying individuals get smashed repeatedly for 57 rounds of bone-crunching Wresltemanya mayhem. Damn, I'm sick.

- Dom

- Dragonlady

Of these three, thirst is the fastest killer, so thirst is probably how one of them will die. Assuming that Jar Jar is twice the size of Scrappy means that Jar Jar has 4 times the surface area of Scrappy and 8 times the body mass. Because of this, Scrappy will dehydrate in approximately 1/2 the time it takes Jar-Jar to die.

Additionally, Jar Jar is always relaxed, while Scrappy is constantly running around and yapping about "puppy power". Jar Jar's slower heartbeat and respiration will keep him alive. Sadly (read: happily), his halfhearted attempt at THE RAGE(tm) will only make Scrappy die sooner.

Jar Jar will win, but he'll still end up trapped in a cage with Carrot Top.

- Albatross

- papercuts

But much time has passed, and so has the prominence of the two great evils.

The first great evil has lost much of the influence he once had. The second great evil has been all but forgotten in the wake of even greater evils perpetuated against his world of origin by nefarious agents of the Unholy Partnership for Negativity.

Now the time has come again for two great evils to clash. One has existed for nigh on three decades, his evil never diminishing over all that time, a pernicious blemish upon the reputation of the otherwise unparalleled perfection of the greatest teen crime-fighting force of the late 20th/early 21st centuries.. The other is a relative newcomer, but his presence within what is perhaps Fandom’s single most beloved universe ensures that his evil will remain strong for decades to come.

In other words, these guy make the last two evils look like amateurs.

Both must die.

*clicks Both Mangled and Killed*

What’s this? I’ve unwittingly voted for Carrot Top?

*shrug*

Comparing Carrot Top to those other two is like comparing Scott Evil to Adolph Hitler. He’s the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough. I’d take him, David Arquette and Andy Dick before I’d take either of those other two. Bet you guys thought you were being so clever. Well . . . Nope.

*votes for Carrot Top again*

- Don "King" Milliken

- MonkeyDog
No tag line this time, just chiding for your nasty, nasty voting trick...

- Pennywise

1.) Let's begin with the hate factor. Jar Jar is hated so vehemently by anyone over the age of 8 that crowd sentiment will definitely be leaning towards Scrappy. Sensing that the crowd wants to see him dismembered, Jar Jar will hesitate in his offense, allowing Scrappy to use his vertically challenged status advantageously. He is "Scrappy" after all. Jar Jar won't know what hit him until he's lying on the mat with his large intestines wrapped around his neck like a noose.

Anyone can sit through an episode of Scooby Doo and tolerate 30 minutes of crappy Scrappy, But it takes a true masochist to "enjoy" episode 1 or 2 and all of Jar Jar's pointless shenanigans. Let's get real, did anyone remember the "comic relief" in Empire or Jedi? Wasn't the use of R2-D2 and C-3PO as comic relief enough? My idea of a plot tension cutter is watching Han Solo try and bag Princess Leia. He saw her for the naughty librarian type that she is. But I digest....

2.) Scooby Snacks - Scrappy has access to an unending supply of so-called Scooby snacks ( an unknown substance, probably closely associated with one of the so-called "designer drugs" and synthesized by Fred in the bathtub) which motivates himself and others to do things that their rational minds would not normally allow them to do. Oddly enough, neither Scrappy, Scooby, or Shaggy seem to have access to this infinite stash. Do I sense the ugly hand of addiction here? I think so. Think about it, Daphne, dressed in her tight little 70's dress, promises to provide Scrappy with these alleged "snacks" after he disembowels Jar Jar. Scrappy's addiction could be used against him, in a "whoring" capacity, motivating him to do un-natural things to Jar Jar's internal organs. If Daphne promised me some "snacking" after the match, I would definitely seek to end that match ASAP. I think Scrappy would do the same.

3.) Puppy Power - I know what you're thinking, puppy power, puppy shmower. But observe any puppy from 6 weeks to a year old. What do you see? Energy, pure, unadulterated energy. Coupled with Scrappy's scooby snack addiction and dis-proportionately optimismic outlook of his own abilities, I could see Scrappy believing, yes believing, that he was certainly capable of ripping off Jar Jar's ears and feeding them to him. And to believe is to begin to do. What does Binks have, Jar Jar power? Even so, it just doesn't hold the punch. Da da da da da da Jar Jar Power! I mean really, come on. The only thing that Jar Jar could possibly lean on would be the force, and if the Mittichlorians hate him half as much as I do, then the best that he could hope for would be to use the force to cut off his own oxygen supply, or to strangle himself with his own ears.

4.) Intelligence - after watching Jar Jar get duped by the Supreme Chancellor in episode 2, I'd had it. Sure he was stupid in episode 1, a harmless, almost George Bushian stupid, but he eclipsed his own incompetence by being manipulated by an old man and a blue dude in the next episode. What the heck was Padme thinking by leaving him in charge? Was she so disillusioned by Anakin's arrogance that she forgot her prime responsibility, THE REPUBLIC? Scrappy has illustrated on multiple occassions that he is vastly superior in intelligence to both Shaggy and Scooby. That being said, if we assume that Scooby is smarter than Jar Jar (and I have no reason to believe otherwise), then naturally Scrappy is a Nobel Laureate in comparison. While Jar Jar is busily trying to figure out how to leave his corner, Scrappy will be across that ring, zealously biting his ankles, in hopes of his promised Scooby "snacking"

5.) Finally - who's in whose corner. Yeah sure, Jar Jar's got Anakin, Padme, a couple of droids and maybe Boss Nass. But in order to truly understand the dynamics, we must take in to consideration Scrappy's corner. Fred - young, dashing, the best looking beatnik in a neckerchief this side of Coruscant. You can't tell me that Padme isn't going to be a little curious as to why Fred wears the neckerchief. Is it a fashion statement, or is Fred gay? Is it possibly to hide the hickeys left by Daphne and Velma? Surely Fred must be a dynamo to have 2 girls fighting over neck space. Padme's curiosity will be too much for Anakin, he'll be to busy jealously watching Fred charm the ceremonial gown off of Padme to even know there's a match going on, so he's effectively removed from the equation. Even if he gets over his post pubescent jealousy, he now has Daphne to contend with. She could certainly distract Anakin, she's much hotter than Padme. While he's busy flirting with Daphne, Scrappy would be simultaneously eviscerating Jar Jar while he's drowning him in his own onternal fluids. Padme, she's useless, the youngest elected queen, who the heck elects a queen, when did the Nabooians start electing monarchy? What's the matter with these people? As we all know, queen's are useless figureheads. The droids? Like they'll be any help at all. The only thing C-3PO will be able to add is an occassional "my heavens" or "bless the maker" as Jar Jar is getting trounced. Besides, the droids can easily be distracted by the likes of Shaggy, whose dialectic english and poor grooming habits will send C-3PO's protocol programming into a tail spin. Boss Nass, he's as stupid as his name, where does Lucas come up with this garbage? Quit spawning children George, they're ruining your movies!!!! Anyway, with a face like Nass', Velma would be a potential mate for him and so therefore he would be distracted by her field hockey player shaped body and her boyish hair cut.

Ok, I'm done, I feel better now.

- Todd the Fish Guy

- James

So when you ask who would win between General Binx and some talking puppy, you might as well compare a gooberfish and a womprat. The General will take out the mongrel, escape his captivity, and capture the vegetable-head without breaking a sweat.

- Marc Moskowitz

- Emmy the Homacidal Maniac (You can call me Mmy!)

After chasing him around the ring for 3 minutes, Scrappy grabs a ball- peen hammer and puts Jar-Jar down for the big count while Jar-Jar is trying to figure out how he might use a steel folding chair as a weapon. True to his status as the avatar of annoying in the Star Wars universe, Jar-Jar takes twenty minutes to die. Scrappy could have applied more Smite^TM, but he knows it’s over because if he squints hard he can see Jar-Jar’s tiny little brain through the holes made by the ball-peen. Jar-Jar subjects the crowd to a running commentary of the Near Death Experience^TM he’s having. “Oh, me-sa in bright tunnel! Uncle Flin-Jar! Me-sa no see you since you used wood chipper to cut toenails! Very messy!” This is all prolonged by Carrot Top’s efforts to use a plunger as a CPR device, played for laughs, but not getting any.

After the match, everybody looks around and notices that Scrappy has somehow slipped away unnoticed. Unfortunately, he is on his way to infiltrate the British Secret Service using his Emile Mondavarious suit and the cover persona of an incompetent secret agent wannabe...

- Mr. Silverback- Long has The Committee to Eliminate Gungan Slapstick waited for this gloriously bright day.

NOT GONNA DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's why: I figure, okay Carrot Top is here. We have to sit and listen to him. Having seen him in action many times already I know that sooner or later he will ultimately spontaneously combust. It's a given. So all I need is patience. And having already sat through 10 Friday the 13ths, 7 Nightmare on Elm Streets, 8 Halloweens, 2 Blair Witch Projects, Battlefield Earth, any Pauly Shore movie, any recent Kevin Costner film and the 4th Batman film as well as many Democratic and Republican National Conventions plus boring Olympic Sports more than prepares me for having to sit through some juvenile, asenine telephone commercials that do not really save me any money at all.

So save your atonement message and condemnation for those who really need it. That of course would be the people who came up with these lame ass characters in the first place. I'm off to watch the original trilogy and some old Scooby Doo eps. By the way, it could be worse: you could be stuck with David Arquette from his old phone commercials. Ewwwwwwww.......

- Snoopy, who is guilt free and loving it!

Wesley shouts, "Oh guards! Look what I found!" And reveals Barney, who asks "Hey, where da white women at?" The guards give chase around the corner, when they are ambushed by Teletubby commandos.

Wesley, Barney, and the surviving Teletubbies flee into the night. Wesley Crusher smiled. Scrappy Doo and the one known as "The Jar- Jar" were valuable patriots, but a rescue would compromise the mission; the greater good must be served.

Soon, the WWWF losers would free themselves from the Grudge Matrix, reprogram a "Losers triumph" choice into the core system, and the defeat of "the Dave" and "the Paul" shall commence. The Stormtroopers and Red Shirted ensigns will be patched and upgraded. A new regime will rise. The winners known as Yoda, Bruce Willis, Mr T., Austin Powers, and a rottweiler's weight in chihuahuas shall fall at last. The losers shall be triumphant. Kobiyashi Maru my ass!

But Barney will have to go. A purple dinosaur? Christ, even losers have standards.

- Budo 3, Now with Retsin!

Meanwhile, tensions reach the breaking point between the Scooby gang and the Star Wars troop.

Scooby gang: Go Jar Jar! Kill him! KILL HIM!!!

Star Wars troop: Hey, shut the hell up! Get him Scrappy, GET HIM!!!

A rumble between the two starts outside of the cage while Jar Jar continues to run and wail. However, the Scooby gang is horribly outclassed. Padme snaps Velmas neck like a breadstick with a flying kick. Boss Nass simply grabs Scooby by the neck and eats him, adding to his already formiddable girth, putting him that much closer to winning the Fattest Slob in the Universe competition against Jabba the Hutt. Anakin redeems himself from the atrocious perfomances in Episodes I and II by dismembering Freddie Prinze Jr. with his lightsaber, then using the force to incinerate his body and scatter the ashes to the far ends of the galaxy.

Meanwhile, back in the ring, Jar Jar is tiring, but Scrappy is too. Jar Jar trips over a fire extinguisher, and down he goes. Scrappy stumbles over and busts out Jar Jar's kneecaps. "Now, let's see who you really are!" he declares, and pulls the mask off of Jar Jar's face to reveal....

Jar Jar's facial muscles and skull! The match is over! The cage is opened, and Scrappy decides to do a little crowd surfing. Bad move. Seeing as how WWF fans are mostly rednecks, and rednecks love packing heat, the moment Scrappy leaves the protection of the cage he is shot full of so many holes that he whistles as he falls to the floor. Both Mangled and Killed, I suppose, but Scrappy was the technical winner. In any case, the universe is a much less annoying place.

- Noble Brown

- gijosh

I do. I find the constant bashing of these two characters to be more annoying than you could ever find them.

Jar Jar Binks is more courageous than you give him credit for. He willingly went back to his home, where the punishment for him doing so was death. And he did it twice! You can find a bunch of fan websites for the Gungan, and you'll see he's not as hated as you think. Hatred for Jar Jar is like a frontrunner situation: people "hate" him because it is the popular view.

Now hatred for Scrappy Doo for me is confusing. This is the only Scooby Doo character who actually would take on the monsters. Us viewers knew that after the 2000th unmasking of the monster, it is quite possible that the next monster is a human in disguise. So people want to hurt the only member of the gang that would beat the snot out of the phony, while the rest of the gang run away like brainless chickens? Scrappy wants to do what all of us would if we were part of Mystery Inc.: thrash the costumed dummy all over the place, instead of screaming in terror and running.

I say Jar Jar and Scrappy wrestle the key from Carrot Top, and make a break for it from the audience. That's my "Both Spared From Mindless Frontrunners' Votes." Next time, offer the "Both Mangled and Killed" for those who are TRULY annoying, and irritate everyone, like Telemarketers VS. Spammers!

- Groucho Magmarx (TPM is 4th highest grossing movie ever, and Jar Jar killed it? HA!)

Boy, did you lead me into a lion's den.

You made me believe that your little safety devices were to stop audience interference. That alone should've sent up proverbial red flags. Since when does Grudge-Match prevent others from having a say in deaths of the participants? But, I wandered along, and you made me pay.

You, you, excrescence! (What's excrescence?) The minute I clicked BM&K (TM), you hit me out of left field. The so-called "safety measures" were nothing but a ruse to get the lazy ones to repent! You rigged the BM&K seemingly for your own amusement, and are having fun at your VIEWERS expense! A POX UPON YOU, AND YOUR FAMILIES!

Wait, maybe Scrappy-Doo could kill Carrot Top, and then go....but wait, that would mean I want him to win! I don't want that! WAIT! If Scrappy loses, than Jar Jar wins! I don't want him to win either! Both Mangled and Kil.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Bursts into flame. Out of the ashes, a new man steps forward.*

Hello. Isn't it a lovely day? What's this? "Carrot Top Unleashed To the Masses?" Front Page news? Oh, dear.

- The Lutt Version 2.1

The pooch sensing victory thrusts his pointed stick aloft and impales Jar Jar in the chest. However the stick will catch in Jar Jar's ribs and the other end of the stick will be driven through Scappy's eye socket and into his brain. Carrot top still dazed from the blow to the head will crawl over and check the vitals of the two contestants.

Finding both of them dead he will stand up to proxlaim a draw. Upon standing he will be struck in the back of the head by the still swinging garbage can breaking his neck and killing him instantly.

As the noise from the crowd swells at the death of three obnoxious characters Mr T himself will come out and unveil a trap door leading to a vat of acid. Pulling a lever near the ring all of the garbage and the three bodies (redundant isn't it?) will fall into the vat of acid and be disolved.

- mike

1) Mystery Inc is at ringside, which means that Scoob and Shag will have a literal truckload of food with them. And we've all seen how well restrained Jar Jar is when food is concerned. He just might cause the biggest injury to himself trying to get at those tasty treats.

2) Scrappy has shown that by himself, he is fearless and has often been seen carrying BOTH Scooby and Shaggy over his head and running toward trouble. However, when faced with what he KNOWS to be an alien life form, he turns into a craven coward like his uncle, Scooby. But that is in the cartons. If we look at the movie version, we are left with a overzealous canine with a pituitary problem and a glass jaw. Not much to help him out in either event.

3) Carrottop is the ref. And as we've all been forced to witness time and time again, there's no way this isn't turning into a "DIAL DOWN THE CENTER WITH 1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T!"

Therefore, I feel that this is what happens:

As the bell sounds, the two combatants stand there looking at one another, unsure what to do next. Jar Jar turns to his "friends" and utters "Meesa don' be knowin' wha to doo now." As Padme covers her eyes, Boss Nass does his trademark "Shake my head and spray saliva all over the place" gimic before bellowing for Jar Jar to get in there and fight.

Meanwhile, Scrappy looks to his corner, sees Daphne standing there, and decides that her smile at Fred is really directed at him and this encourages him to go for it. Picking up a baseball bat, he hurries across the ring, yelling his stupid "Ta-ta-ta-TAH-ta-TAH! Puppy Power!" Enfortunately for him, an equally misguided Carrottop also believes that the smile was for HIM and he stopps the short one cold. "Excuse me there little-dog, but I need to impress the lady." With that, the ref-turned-combatant appropriates the bat and backhands the stunted scrapper in the face, sending him flying through the air only to be ironicly "splatted" himself as he impacts into the bulletproof glass and slides slowly down it as only a cartoon character can.

Meanwhile, outside the ring, Scooby and Shaggy have set up a giant grill, and are flipping burgers. Fred has noticed Padme, and Boss Nass has spotted the burger fixin's. As the two groups start to merge, Jar Jar does his "I'm-an-idiot-and-I'll-look-back-and-forth-a- few-times" bit before catching on that it's time to eat. He spys a buger flipping through the air, and attempts to snatch it with his tongue, only to have it impact against the bulletproof glass. "Hahw wude!" He then attempts to figure out how to escape his confines to get some of the good stuff, unaware of the bat-toting idiot sneaking up behind him.

As Fred goes into full-on flirt mode with Padme, Anakin jumps the security railing, succumbs to the Dark Side, and proceeds to dismember the cerchiefed wearing fop with his light saber, thus thankfully ridding the world of one Freddy (Prince, Jr.). Padme runs up the aisle in horror, and Anakin runs after her.

Boss Nass has closed with the grill, and is attempting to wrest control of the spatula away from Shaggy, which isn't really a problem as Shag sees him and runs. Scooby, however, has by now eaten about 12 hamburgers and thusly is emboldened to stay and fight. There is much slobber cast around. The Miller Lite girls, at ringside, are covered, and in another "debate" about whether it is "Truely disgusting" or "Really revolting" they duke it out back to the lobby area as they normally do and end up in a fountain. Many spectators prefer that battle and leave to watch.

Just as Jar Jar thinks (yeah, I know he really can't, but let's be nice) he's found a way out, Carrottop cracks him in the back of the head, rendering him unconscious. Proclaiming himself the winner, Carrottop begins to start preening around the ring ala Ric Flair as the cage is raised. But there is one thing he isn't ready for:

"So that little ass whooping I gave you on MTV didn't stop you? Well, my little capaberra-wanna-be, this is the end!" With that, Carrottop turns to see Dennis Miller charge the ring with a pool cue. As the prop-man attempts to connect with his autographed and corked Sosa bat, Miller ducks under it and skewers him with the cue. "As my coleague Mr. George Carlin says, this MIGHT be a sports- related injury." The crowd laughs, Dennis gets Daphne, and Velma crawls around on the floor looking for her glasses that were knocked off at some point in the "battle for the burger".

- Stiggit, master goblin tachtician

I choose both mangled and killed, and assume I'm doing humanity a service... and... dear god, I can't even say it...

How could you trick me like that? You're inhuman! You're truly evil!

My only recourse now is to throw myself against the bulletproof glass repeatedly in the hopes that I will crash through it and have a chance to redeem myself... and if I explode in a bloody mess, so be it! I must find redemption, and if it takes my death by splattering, then it must be!

*whump*

*whump*

*whump*

- Boden-san, may God have mercy on my soul

- Claymore

Mark David Chapman, James Earl Ray, John Wilkes Booth, and Lee Harvey Oswald have three-part names.

Scrappy-Doo is a hyphenated-two-word name. Other than his relatives, the only other hyphenated-two-word name that comes to mind is Jay-Z.

Not only does Binks win this match, but I foresee him in a turncoat twist in the next Star Wars flick.

On the other side, even in losing, Scrappy-Doo's street cred will skyrocket. Look for a hip hop album by Scrapp-Dogg within the year.

- Mark Wentz

After an initial fight, on open terrain and with only small-arms, Jar- Jar fled from a victorious legion of killer robots. In the real world, this is a sign of intelligence. (Recall that the point of the battle was to lure the droid army and keep it occupied, anyway, not defeat it.) As for bravery, Senator Binks showed considerable political courage in sticking his neck out in an effort to save his Republic. Skeptics may snipe that backing Palpatine's plan was NOT a sign of intelligence, but they forget that the galaxy's most astute political minds also fell for this "Burning the Reichstag" scheme.

In contrast, Scrappy is a (literally and figuratively) two- dimensional character who charges dangerous monsters, professional criminals, and supernatural entities with his bare hands(paws). The "Ghostbusters" library scene notwithstanding, in the real world, this is a sign of stupidity. Also in the real world, a person whose head is that big would topple over after his first step. Drop the runt into a handy garbage can and close it, and he is effectively neutralized.

- Matt Bricker

Estimated percentage of Scrappy supporters who will mention the obvious drug use in Scooby Doo as the overwhelming advantage: 40%.

Estimated percentage of responders who will bitch about your not explicity including Carrot-Top in the All Mangled And Killed button: 130%.

[I'm not sure how that's possible. Maybe it isn't. But it'll happen.]

- Pooka the Dread

You were way off on the other two, but that 130% was fairly accurate. - Eds.

- College Boy in Ann Arbor, Meeeshigan!!

Would that it would be so simple to save Jar Jar for later. George Lucas, once he hears of this fight, will never again take the slightest chance of losing someone he considers to be a vital character in his prequel trilogy. Jar Jar will be under protective custody so tight that it would probably win a separate Grudge Match against the Secret Service. Nobody would ever again be in a position to do him harm, until Lucas has put him on every frame of digital film he ever intends to: that is, until all the damage is done.

Jar Jar must die, now. Fortunately, Lucas's cosseting and coddling of this contemptible creature(see, responses can alliterate as well as scenarios can) has merely amplified his already craven character, makign him easy prey for anyone with a little fight in him. That's Scrappy. Hopefully, there will be a sixteen-ton weight left over from the previous match with the Monty Python troupe to finish him off the moment he steps out of the steel cage.

- Call me Shane

- Majin_Raditz

THE FINAL WORD...

Wasn't there a chapter like this in Dante's Inferno?

- Vanilla Ike

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Barney v. Wesley
Scooby-Doo v. Mulder & Scully
Star Wars Grudge Matches

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Next Match: The League of Extraordinary Contestants
ETA: Monday, July 28th, 2003