For those clamoring for more...
Superfriends vs. X-Men Responses, Da Sequel™

And now, after a brief hiatus since the French Army-English Soccer Hooligans™ tilt, it's time for the Tale of the Tape™.

1. Hand-to-Hand Combat Experts,
Superfriends: Batman and Robin
X-Men: Wolverine and Colossus
Advantage: X-Men. Logan and Peter doom the Dynamic Duds.

2. The "powers that be"(It's a crisis situation! You know they will be there try to capitalize on it!)
Superfriends: Called upon by the military-industrial complex to clean up their mess.
X-Men: Scapegoated by the military-industrial complex(in the person of Senator Kelly) to cover their mess.
Advantage: Superfriends. The X-Men are going to get blamed for the whole episode either way.

3. Women Cast in the Movie/TV version (because sex and violence are related)
Superfriends: Lynda Carter
X-Men: Rebecca Romjin-Stamos, Famke "Onatopp" Janssen, and Halle Berry.
Advantage:X-Men. Do I really have to explain this one to you?

4. Coolest Beam Weapon
Superfriends:Green Lantern
X-Men:Cyclops
Advantage: Push. It's all just special effects anyway.

5. Connections with past Grudge Match/Ground Zero losers
Superfriends: Tight-wearing Freaks, much like Wrestlers
X-Men: Patrick Stewart(alias Jean-Luc Picard) as X-Men
Advantage: Superfriends. Even in the Tale of the Tape™, Star Trek still earns you the open end of the Whoop-@$$™ can

So there you have it, it's so simple when you break it down scientifcally.

And the winner... Push! There is no winner!

But wait... X-Men has a connection to Star Trek, and "Star Trek Must Lose"™ is the first tie-breaker!

So in the final analysis the Superfriends emerge victorious and the freaks end up as chihuahua meat. Not that it matters. The chihuahuas will probably slaughter the Superfriends anyway.

- Richard Baker

Professor Xavier won't be showing up, he never does unless he is asked by an old friend who has turned evil, and in those cases he doesn't bring anyone else as backup (and he's the smart one???). Since the other X-Men are here, he is back at the hideout getting kidnapped or something.

The first thing that happens is that Aquaman is captured. Wolverine will probably do the honors just so that the Green Lantern can say "No! He’s wearing yellow tights! My green power ring won't work on him." Wonder Woman will try lassoing him and then act shocked when he cuts her lasso. Meanwhile everyone else will be standing around: the superfriends because the animators are too cheap to move that many people, and the X-Men because the writers aren’t that creative.

Despite the fact that has captured the second whimpiest superfriend, and that his claws are made of admantium and strong enough to cut steel, Wolverine will be completely incapable of actually hurting Aquaman because the TV censors have never let him once so much as scratch anyone.

Cyclops will eventually get tired of this standoff and fire his eyebeam at Wonder Woman. Despite the fact that she is three feet away, she will still have time to announce "I will use my amazing reflective wristbands to return that eyebeam to you." Fortunately for Cyclops the show he's in does not require him to stand there like a dolt after she blatantly told him what she was going to do, so he'd be able to duck it.

Batman will fumble around a bit looking for his bat-mutant-stopping- ray until beast explains how it's not actually possible to make one. Unfortunately for him, both shows have bizarre enough physics so that not only is it possible, but Robin has it in his belt, putting Beast out of the match early.

After a long stand off, Superman will suddenly remember that he is just about as close to all-powerful as you can get (including impervious to mind control - how do you think he defeated Mtzlplk, or whatever his name is?) and actually uses this to his advantage by wrapping the X-Men in a steel girder. When Storm summons a rain cloud he will, against all laws of physics, pick up the cloud and throw it out to sea. If Rogue tries to steal his powers he will use the amazing technique none of her other victims ever seemed to consider: he will step out of her reach.

Oh yeah, and during all this, for no apparent reason, Zan and Jayna will turn into a lemur and a puddle.

Of course, in the end the X-Men will escape through an improbably contrived coincidence that they have an easily reachable button that let's them escape from just that situation.

- Warren Von

- MonkeyDog *winces* Shouldn't have used the word "backup."

Yeah, you heard right, Morph. The shapeshifter. The X-Men's unofficial Red Shirted Ensign(TM) who died in the pilot. Sure he died early, but like every good hero, he got resurected. And when he did, what did he do? That's right, he systematicly took apart the X- Men. Heck, this guy got rid of both Xavier and Magneto for an entire season! Morph plowed through Wolverine multiple times! Morph practially butchered the X-Men.

Which is why the Superfriends are going down. Y'see, in the show's final eppisode, Morph rejoined the X-Men. And this isn't just the happy-go luck Morph. The new Morph is a battle hardened veteran, who's faced his fears (litterally) and won. And with the rest of the X-Men there to back him up, Morph is really going to cut loose.

Just imagine what would happen if Wonderwoman saw 'Batman' attacking Robin. How would Green Lantern react if he was suddenly attacked by 'Aquaman?' How could the Superfriends go on if they saw 'Superman' being cut down by Cyclop's optic blast? This is the power of Morph. And if he was discovered, he could always morph into Omega Red and start kicking ass that way.

'Sides, in the final episode, Magneto also joined the team. Just imagine what *he* could do in this match...

- The Animator

The leader of the X-men is known as Professor X, or Professor "Cross". The X is simply an abbreviation of Christ, as in X-man. Therefore, the X-men symbolize Christianity.

To sum it all up:

X-men = Christianity, Superfriends = Atheism/Nietzche.

Nieztche, the driving force behind the Superfriends, declared that God Is Dead. Professor "Christ" X, as the son of God, doesn't stand a chance.

- Mr Roboto

Oh my God, two of those are MEN!!!

I don't consider the Superfriends a major force if it is so hard to distunguish between their men and their woman.

Long Live the X-Men!!!

- I'm not an Alien!!!

- Pareeha

The Rage (tm): this is easy. Wolverine. Period. End of story. The entire Superduperfriends couldn't pull together half the rage of old Kanucklehead. Joe's feeble attempt to endow Superman with Rage(tm) for lifetime celebacy is horribly transparent since NO ONE in comic books has sex.

Normally, Batman would balance that with his Mentos level cool except that the Super-friend version of Batman was based on the campy 70's version, who only beat campy villians without any superpowers. (joker, penguin, riddler) So, with Gambit on their side, the X-men take the Mentos cool factor.

Superman really is a non-factor here. Being the eternal Boy Scout that he is, he won't dare hit a man in a wheelchair, which means that he's pretty much going to be Professor X's little telepathic bitch. And why? The bald factor. Superman's arch villian is a bald-headed genius, who Superman has never managed to catch. Professor X is and has always been bald and a genius. 'Nuff said.

The Flash is no match for Jean Grey; fast as he is, he isn't faster than thought. And telekenisis has a mighty long reach.

Green Lantern: Hmm, both Rogue and Wolerine wear costumes that are mostly YELLOW. After about five seconds, Wolvie gives Green Latern a new name of 'Captain Stumpy'.

Jubilee follows a long line of X-chicks who have that grrl-power cute factor on their side. This compares to the Wonder Twins and Marvin, who are cute in the same 'mangled and killed' sort of way as Westley Crusher.

- dok

- Kopper Golyathe, who will be very upset if this message isn't posted this time... I've been waiting for months

Of course, Spider-Man isn't in this fight, but the SuperFriends have one person who can take on the entire X-Men and blow them away just as bad as Spider-Man and I don't mean Superman. Batman is, of course, the deciding factor in this fight. Again I refer to the comics (have you guessed that I have read way too many comic books in the last twenty years?). I make reference to a graphic novel, the name of which escapes me, in which a group of new superheros with tremendous powers appears and starts beating the Justice League to all of the big battles and taking care of all of the world's worst criminals. Eventually, the Justice League is being called upon to disband and let these new heros take over their vigilante duties. Of course, the new heros turn out to be evil aliens in the process of lulling the world's governments into a false sense of security while they slowly exercise their diabolical mind control and start to take over the Earth. When the SuperFriends go against them they are immediately squashed and captured, all but Batman. When the Batplane is shot down in the ocean, they assume him dead and start torturing the others (including Superman). By the time the book is over, Batman (with no super powers to rely on) has discerned the aliens' weaknesses and taken them out one by one, finally rescuing the rest of the SuperFriends.

Batman always gets overlooked because of a lack of super powers and because of that really stupid TV show (not to mention the lousy movies). He beats the X-Men singlehandedly. His mind is too strong to be overpowered by Professor X or Jean Gray. His suit is grounded so Storm's lightning bolts cannot harm him. His boots are magnified so strong winds can't blow him away. He can deflect Cyclops' eye beams with any number of mirrored gadgets. He has no super powers for Rogue to steal and precious little exposed flesh for her to touch anyway. Wolverine is a good fighter but he has none of the combat skills that Batman has acquired by training with every legendary martial arts master the world has ever seen. In one of Marvel's and DC's regrettable team up issues, he fought Captain America to a standstill. He can disappear into a shadow, he can suddenly produce any kind of expensive gadget you can dream up, he can beat the crap out of anyone without super strength toe-to-toe, and he clearly is more than the X-Men can handle.

Oh yeah, I forgot the Beast. Funny how that happens. I guess all of the rest of the SuperFriends combined can probably take him.

- Todd McFarlane (I wish)

"...the Man of Steel screwing them faster than a speeding bullet and shooting them off to the sun."

Um... Joe, could you have chosen a more unfortunate combination of words for your hero? "Man of steel" might get the ladies' engines purring, but the "faster than a speeding bullet" will keep them away in droves. (Hint: that vibration coming from Lois Lane's purse ain't her cellphone, muchacho!)

If he could control his hair trigger, the "money shot" into the sun would be cool, but there isn't much demand for a two-stroke engine in the porn industry.

Superman a superhero? No.

Poster boy for Premature Ejaculation? Probably.

- HotBranch!

DC, on the other hand, makes great movies. Superman, Batman, solid quality entertainment. The choice should be clear.

But hold your spandex, buster. Letıs look at the past few years. Marvel released Blade, who was a very minor but nonetheless Marvel character, and it kicked some undead booty. Marvel also bought Malibu Comics a few years ago, which published a book called Men in Black they based the movie from. With a Spider-man movie looking to be filmed soon (Œsoonı meaning before Haleyıs Comet returns) it looks like the Marvel tide is turning.

But would that mean that DC is getting the ass end of this metronome? Do recent DC movies have a corresponding rating on the suckometer? Examples A-C: Superman IV, Steel, Batman and Robin. Iıd give that an affirmative.

Thus, the X-Men will be victorious both at the box office and the battleground, and the Superfriends will blow purple Wonder Twin chunks. Hopefully Spider-Man will get filmed before the metronome comes back and a Power Pack movie gets made.

- Kilgore Trout

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to renew my Sports Illustrated subscription and watch another riveting episode of Full House.

- Capital J

While the X-Men were fighting the devastating power of Apocalypse, Mr. Sinister, and Magneto (who admitedly has pretty lame-ass powers, but used them pretty well), the Superfriends were squaring off against a gang of pantless misfits led into battle by a bald guy in a purple jacket who's only super powers amounted being rich and white (and possibly keeping Solomon Grundy from trashing the office furniture during the mandatory Legion of Doom roll call sequence).

Even their choicest lineup consisted of a retarded version of Superman, a talking ape, the Riddler (who's super power was giving away vital information to the opposing side), an eskimo, an animated pile of straw, and some guy in a wetsuit who was supposed to give the group a leg up against the might of Aquaman! Sheesh! Put simply, the Superfriends are out of shape, and worthless in any conflict that doesn't involve rescuing their own teammates from kidnappers more inept than themselves.

- Troy "guvnor" Wood

- Randi

Hostess Fruit Pies.

The numbers will tell the tale. Heroes using the flavorful taste treats have bested their opponents each and every time. They simply don't fail! And nearly every Superfriend has been shown using the Perfect Pie- Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, heck, even lowly Plastic Man! In comparison, the X-men have never once appeared in a Hostess ad. Want proof? Check out the page that archives the ads:

http://www.seanbaby.com/hostess.htm

In the very first microseconds of the fight, the Flash will fling an assortment of Hostess Fruit Pies, and soon, the X-Men will be too busy exclaiming "Yum! Delicious, light flaky crusts!" and "So many flavors! You'll never get tired of them!" to even think about fighting. While they're chowing down, the Superfriends will save the day, and then return to share the tasty treats with their former foes.

- The Beatnik

Xavier then unleashes the flood of emotions Batman and Robin have for each other, amplifying them so their attraction is unstoppable. Unfortunately, since both Batman and Adam West are 55-year-old virgins, he will accidentally trigger a number of stupid "Bat"-devices and kill them both. Who knew Bat Shark Repellent was poisonous?

Now the X-Men actually have to do something. But Rogue can easily fly and catch up to the now-escaping Superman and steal his powers, rending him weak. Xavier can get the honor of repeatedly rolling over him until the Man of Steel is no more. Since the least inept Justice Leaguer left is (*scoff*) Wonder Woman, and the Superfriends have never been in any kind of real combat...advantage X-Men! In ten minutes, five if someone takes pity on Aquaman during his vicious beating.

- Frank Fritter

one man

GAMBIT

why you may ask, because he is the ultimate in coolness,RAGE,and power in the comic universe.

he has lost his wife, had rouge as a girlfriend,has a louisiana accent, is a thief, and, was still cool in the cartoon version.

beside, his power can kill anyone in the super friends

charge a bat-a-rang, throw it back
charge the lasso, throw it back
charge a wonder twin, throw it at the other one
even superman will be turned into super ketchup after a charge

beside, even if they loser, he could still charge up the street they are on and BOOM, say goodbye super friends

- thestonegolem

Full Point - X-men

- Ted Krol (yes, THE Ted Krol - there can be only one...)

And that's it, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

- Tracer "snikt, snikt!" Malone

Now, however, Marvel is living up to its name, with an avalanche of box-office bucks. You can see the inevitable comeback that decades of frustration and Rage™ produces in this, but there is another weapon in the arsenal, one no Superfriend will be able to counter.

I'm talking, of course, about The Blue Chick.

You don't even need to know her name. (I'm pretty sure it's Mystique, but who cares?) One look at her in the trailers or the TV ads is enough to turn every male head in America. That will definitely include those males making up the bulk of the Superfriends. While they're busy using their superpowers trying to figure out whether she really is naked, the X-Men will exploit their distraction ruthlessly, cutting a broad swath through their ranks.

They can't hurt Superman, of course, but they won't have to. Torn between the lusts of his Super-id and the restraint of his Super- superego, he'll simply explode.

In this equation, X=W+I+N.

- Call me Shane

i think that i am correct in presuming that an overwhelming majority of people who visit this site are americans. the x-men, created in hollywood, are american. and the leader of the superfriends, superman himself, was not only NOT born in the US, but in fact IS AN ALIEN. and as all americans "know", nothing beats good ol' Uncle Sam(tm).

as for those who protest that americans are NOT xenophobes, let me provide Hard Evidence to the contrary. as amply shown by previous WWWF Grudge Matches(tm), any match involving an someone with even remote connections to the US and anyone else ends in a victory for the american party.

case 1: Willy the groundskeeper (american cartoon, american creation, who presumably LEFT SCOTLAND to settle for a meaningless life in springfield) beat BRAVEHEART (mel gibson, left the US to settle in australia).

case 2: Paul Bunyan beat Taz in a tree cutting contest (ok, admitted, not very good evidence, but still it was an american who beat a foriegner)

case 3, CONCLUSIVE IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE: indiana jones beat JAMES BOND!!!!??? now, much as i respect harrison ford, NO ONE, and i mean NO ONE beats the SUPERSPY. btw, i think superfriends should also include 007.

hell, if WWWF were to pit the Crocodile Hunter(tm) against wallygator, you'd vote the australian dude out of the competition. HEY. that COULD possibly be featured, couldnt it?

so, the superfriends will be voted out by the americans, but somehow, it does not surprise me.. you voted for clinton.. TWICE!!!

- ajaya panday

Now that that's done, let's start with the Superfriends' most disturbing weakness: a person once ranked as the #2 Most-Annoying Cartoon Character, second only to Scrappy Doo. I speak, of course, of that gibbering blue monkey wannabe. Whether Gleek's presence created or merely filled the vacuum left by the Green Lantern, Hawk Man, et al is unknown to me, but it indicates that the Hall of Justice has low entry standards.

Another Superfriend soft-spot is the Hall's greater susceptability to hacking. True, the X-Mens' HQ was subverted once in a "Spiderman" episode, but that was by an impressively frightening cyborg. In contrast, who did it take to infiltrate the Hall and allow Luthor to lure the Superfriends to their near-doom? Some misfit teenager fashioning himself "Captain Mystery" who even hacked some of Batman's gadget designs!

Worse, a brilliantly hilarious Cartoon Network promo shows the DC heroes' poor adaptability: melodramatic urgency is applied even to such "crises" as running out of popcorn in a movie theater. I dare not guess how easily they would be caught off-guard if not for their friend, the omniscient narrator.

The one saving grace for the Superfriends is illustrated in the episode, "Universe of Evil," named for a parallel dimension in which the native caped crew rushes to the scenes of natural disasters not to forestall them but to excaberate them. Key scene: in a flood's aftermath, a high-up gov't official calls up the Hall of Injustice but can do nothing but spout angry rebukes ("We know who did it, Superenemies!"). Ponder it: the X-Men have epic troubles with some xenophobic tin-pot Mediterranean country ("Kenosha," perhaps? Maybe it was really just in Wisconsin.) that makes giant robots, but these evilfied (maybe that wasn't a word, but it is now!) Superfriends can earn the wrath of probably every nation on Earth from a conspicuous lair and the worst retaliation they face is empty threats from a bureaucrat!

End analysis: In a battle against the X-Men, the Superfriends clearly have fearsomely lethal potential deep within themselves. Unfortunately, they have never fulfilled that potential in our dimension as do-gooders, so the Marvel bunch will probably hang these DCers' tights out to dry. Ah, what might have been...

- Matt Bricker

- Jeffrey

- Kramertim

- "Mad Dog" Mike

- Peanuts "It's 12:21 on the day this is about to change, I hope I get it in on time" Pat

The super-friends are absolutely worthless. With the exception of Superman (grrr), they are about as mean as a girl scout troop. Let's look at them individually, and compare them to their X-counterpart. As you should all know, when two super-groups meet, each combatant picks one opponent and focuses only on that person.

NOTE:now would be a good time to get comfortable

Aquaman:talks to fish. That's it, he only talks to fish. Jubilee could probably kick his ass, but I have this mental image of Storm striking any nearby bodies of water with lightning. Fish sticks, anyone? No? Me neither.

Wonder Woman:She has a magic lasso and an invisible jet. The X- men have the blackbird, with it's advanced radar, no jet is invisible. So basically she has a lasso. Nightcrawler is her equivalent, and he can "phase" through walls, and I would assume he can phase through some dumb rope.

Batman:The only DC character who was ever cool. (Remember the Dark Knight era?)Okay, he has some neat toys, but God help him if he throws that damn boomerang at Wolverine (these two face off because they are each the coolest member of their respective organizations). Wolverine's claws are adamantium, they can cut through anything but adamantium. Adamantium only exists in the Marvel universe, so our DC friends are at a bit of unfair adavantage. (Man of STEEL? Colossus is the man of ADAMANTIUM)

Green Lantern:What the hell does he do??? He's got a ring that shoots Green Crap(tm). I guess his counterpart would be Cyclops, who can shoot Red Crap(tm) from his eyes. This is a tough one to call. Red is a primary color, but I can't really go anywhere with that without mentioning Brown Crap(tm, my butt) which no one over age 8 wants to read about. So let's look at Star Wars:Episode 1. Darth Maul had Red Crap(tm) coming out of his light saber. He defeated Qui-Gon, whose saber had Green Crap(tm) coming out of it. Granted, he was ultimately killed by the Green Crap(tm), but by Obi-Wan, who usually uses Blue Crap(tm). And since Green Crap(tm) could not prevail without the help of Blue Crap(tm), Green Lantern loses (too bad he wasn't the Teal Lantern)

Flash:why is he there? All he can do is run fast, and Superman is faster than him anyway. I guess he would be matched to Jean Grey, who is also there for no reason b/c Professor X can do anything she can but better, except walk. Anyway, I see Marvel Girl putting a telekinetic wall around the Flash. He could bang on the walls really fast, but he's not getting out. End of story.

Wonder Twins:Cowering in fear with that stupid monkey And Finally...

Superman:Well, we still have some X-Men left over, maybe they could go warm up the car. Because Superman's ridiculously overwhelming power will be his downfall. As you may or may not know (I didn't see this mentioned in the commentary), Rogue's power is not that she can fly and punch really hard. If her skin makes contact with anyone elses, she absorbs their life force. This means that if her skin makes contact with someone who has super powers, she absorbs their powers for a limited time, and they die, depending on how long she makes contact. When she was 16, some boy gave her a peck on the cheek and he was in a coma for about 4 years. Now I vaguely remember an issue of the Uncanny X-Men that I read when I was about 10 where the X-Men were getting their asses kicked (I don't remember who was doing the kicking, maybe the Shi'ar empire, but I gaurandamntee they were tougher than those candy-assed SuperFriends[sheesh, even their name is gay]). Anyway, Rogue saw the hopelessness in the situation, and flew around to each exhausted X-man, touching them and absorbing their power. The X-men were all left unconscious, but she had the powers of all of them combined and let me tell you...never, ever, in any movie, comic book, or television show have I seen anyone kick that much ass. She was unstoppable. Now you have established in the commentary that Superman is sexually frustrated, so all Rogue has to do is work some of that Southern Belle(tm, not the phone company) charm and get one kiss...Hell, she could even just sneak up on him and touch him. Done deal. Those sissies should just be grateful that a Carl Potts/Jim Lee era PUNISHER is nowhere around.

Alright, I know it's entirely too long, but I spent hours of typing and research on this crap when I should have been working, so please be kind-don't hack it to pieces when you edit

- SkullKrusher

Superman: OK, Supe is the man. Super-strength, speed, flight, he's got it all. Plus, in the movies at least, he was able to shoot Saran Wrap (TM) from his chest. And he could go back in time by flying around the Earth backwards. Or something. Even with this shaky grip on temporal mechanics, Supe is the undisputed MVP of the Justice League team. Which makes him the perfect target for that power- stealin' Southern hottie, Rogue. Come to think of it, Rogue already has everything that Supe has, plus a beaver (hairstyle, you perverts!)

Wonder Woman: Supposedly an Amazon, right out of Greek Mythology. Someone evidently forgot to tell her what Amazons do to their right boobies. It's probably for the best though. Powers: Bracers that deflect bullets. Since when does an X-Man need a gun? The Lasso of Truth. Great for bondage games with Black Vulcan, but hardly useful against someone like Wolverine. The Invisible Jet. You know, as I write this, all these crappy powers lead me to beleive that the Justice League kept Wonder Woman around just to stare at her cleavage. No doubt about it. Maybe she served coffee, too.

Batman & Robin: It's well documented that these two goofs don't even have superpowers, just an array of interesting gadgets. Big deal. Everyone thinks Batman is so tough. How healthy can it be to keep a young boy in a cave? If it were the 60's Batman (the one who felt the need to Bat-label everything in his own Batcave) then the X-men might be overcome with laughter for a few moments while Superman gets some shots in. Otherwise, look for the bat and bird to be dispatched by an exploding 6 of Diamonds or something.

Aquaman: Hey, I'm the first one to admit that for underwater capers, Aquaman's got it going on! Other than that, though, he ain't exactly a hero's hero. "Hey, those guys are robbing a bank! This is a job for Aquaman! I'll stop them with my...uh...my Fish Telepathy?" Sorry, but this guy will be Captain Highliner fishsticks in two seconds.

Green Lantern: Moderately cool power, incredibly asinine weakness. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard for the X-Men to pick up some yellow spandex en route to meet with Justice League. And, for the record, a "magic ring", powerful as it may be, is kinda effeminate for a superpower, you know?

Hawkman: He has wings. He flies. Are you quaking in terror yet? His white fluffy wings don't exactly inspire terror, do they? Also, he is frequently seen with his protege, Hawkgirl. HawkGIRL. That's about as reprehensible than Batman and Robin's scene.

The Flash: OK, I admit super-speed can be useful. In the 100 yard dash! The Flash will be unable to contribute any offensive power to the Justice League effort. He'll be the only one to survive the encounter, though. He takes one look at the razor-sharp claws of Wolverine, and he'll be in sunny Ecuador five minutes later.

Now we get to the bottom of the barrel; those multicultural piece of crap heroes that The Justice League had to include because of AHA (Affirmative Hero Action) and the NAACSH (National Association for the Advancement of Colored Super Heroes)

Black Vulcan: (chuckle) He had lightning for legs. That's it. No epilogue. Lightning-legs. Those inner-city youth better start looking around for a new hero (maybe Jimmy "Dyno-Mite" Walker) because it's gonna be BVD -Black Vulcan, Dead. And for the record, Vulcan was the Roman god of fire, not lightning. Obviously. Idiot writers.

Samurai: In a chilling variation of the Black Vulcan theme, Samurai had a Tornado for legs. I'm not making this up. Seriously, how did these heroes ever go to the bathroom? I'd rather have Mr. Miyagi on my side.

Apache Chief: Able to grow to 50 feet tall. In the cartoon, he always towered over nearby buildings. Must be pretty shrimpy buildings. I think this guy's got some psychological issues. Years of discrimination and oppression against his people is obviously manifesting itself in the form of this bizaare power. Yes, he is harnessing all his frustration to overcompensate and show the palefaces who the "big" man truly is. Prime fodder for Professor X. Apache Chief will quit the Justice League after five minutes. Then he'll play Gulliver in an off-broadway show. Either that or he'll open a casino.

The Wonder Twins: Sigh. Where do I begin? These two lame-ass excuses for heroes are little more than Justice League interns. Their powers...let's see...one can turn into any animal, the other can turn into ice. That's great fun at parties (useful, as well. You can never have too much ice!) but it's hardly a match for the optic beams of Cyclops. Oh, did I mention that the twins have to touch in order to activate these powers. Snicker. So *that's* how it is in their family, is it? Often they will be caught and caged just an inch too far away from one another. In such cases, they rely on Gleek, their pet monkey, who very helpfully inserts his head between their fists as a sort of conduit through which the Twins can activate their powers. (I'm not making this up, I just have an astounding memory for the trivial). Gleek has no powers of his own to speak of, unless you count the ability to be a blue monkey. Let's see you try it, then. Oh, wait, Gleek also possesses the ability to produce a bucket out of thin air, (used to carry the Twin who becomes water).

And as sad as this sounds, that's one of the more useful powers among the Justice League. Gleek will valiantly produce bucket after bucket to use as projectile weapons. One or two of them might even hit Beast or something, but it's only a matter of time before the X-men counter this bucket offense and feast on monkey stew. Sorry, Justice League. There will be no obnoxious morality play at the end of *this* episode.

- 1/2 Nelson

: : : Superman
: : : aquaman
: : : batman
: : : robin
: : : wonder woman
: : : the wonder twins
: : : the monkey
: : : GL
: :  
: : : X-men have (on normal basis)
: : : Prof X
: : : jean grey
: : : wolverine
: : : beast
: : : gambit
: : : rogue
: : : jubilee
: : : storm
: : 
: : My take on the fight - 
: : 
: : Superman uses superspeed and takes out Jean Grey, X 
: : and Rogue all before any of them could register a single 
: : telepathic thought or move in any way.
: 
: Have you ever seen the super friends? They talk 
: about what ever they are going to do before they ever do it. 
: Superman will stand there and actually say "batman, i am going to 
use 
: my super speed to take out as many of them as i can"
: 
: You don't need to have telepathy either to 
: figure out their weeknesses. They will tell you them. GL will say 
: "oh no, that guy is wearing yellow and i am vulnable to anything 
yellow".
: 
:  WW goes after Storm, and using 
: : super speed and super strength, takes her down for the count.
: 
: Umm she never, ever, ever, ever, ever used 
: super speed in the cartoon ever. At best she flies around in her 
: invisible jet, and her lasso can be controled mentally. She didn't 
: have any super strenth. Once again, she would tell the entire 
: cast what she is going to do before she did it. 
: : 
: : The wonder twins and Robin then go after 
: : jubilee, with moderate success.
: 
: ahahahaha wonder twins activate, power if 
: kitty, strenth of bucket of water. Robin gets taken down nearly 
: every episode by people with out any powers.
: : 
: : That leaves Wolverine, Beast and Gambit vs 
: : Batman, Aquaman, the monkey and Green Lantern. Being 
: reasonably 
: : sure that Batman could take out Gambit (since he is more 
: than 
: : agile enough to dodge thrown playing cards),
: 
: This is super freinds batman. He was clumzy, 
: lame and at best stood around until superman needed some one take 
: away the kriptonite.
: 
:  the Green Lantern 
: : takes down Beast and Wolverine (just because his 
: costume is 
: : yellow doesn't give Wolvie a huge advantage.
: 
: ummm yeah t does. I means he has no 
: defences against wolverine and no way to contain wolverine since 
: wolvie could walk through GL's force feild.
: : 
: : Now, even if the Green Lantern alone 
: : takes down Beast, Batman and Aquaman still take on 
: Wolvie, and if 
: : it were just Batman vs Wolverine - Wolverine, 
: probably. 
: 
: umm once again, batman is lame in superfreinds, he 
: would stand there and look around. Then mention to wolverine that 
: he was going to try and punch in in the stomach.
: 
: Just 
: : Aquaman vs Wolverine - Wolverine, definitely. 
: 
: Now this is funny. Aquaman stands in the corner of 
: every episode like a bump on a log until water is introduced into 
: the story.
: 
: However, stick 'em 
: : both in there (quickly joined by Green Lantern and 
: Superman, now 
: : that's he finished with the other three 
: heavy-hitters), the 
: : Superfriends score a clean sweep.
: : 
: : Let the flaming begin!
: 
: No flaming, but i seriously doubt you have 
: ever seen a single episode of the super friends. It is not the 
: comic book version. They stand around never throwing a punch and 
: always anounce as loudly as they they could what they where going 
to 
: do before they did it. 
: 
: the battle will go more like this.
: 
: Superman: I hope they don't see that big chunk 
: of kriptonite over there behind the lead sheild. If they where 
: to bring that anywhere near me i would crumple like a playing 
: card house in a hurricane. 
: 
: Cyclops blast lead sheild.  (for him in the line up for X-men)
: 
: GL: gee golly i hope the guy with the yellow 
: spnadex doesn't attack me because my power is totally useless 
: against it. Also if he takes my ring i am powerless. Oh and don't 
: forget i have only a 24 hour charge time on it and i have all ready 
used 
: up 23 and a half.
: 
: Wolverine knocks hal out or rips his ring off.
: 
: Wonder woman: i can't do a thing, all my lasso can 
: do is make you tell the truth.
: 
: 
: Batman: I don't do anything unless there 
: needs to be an obvious conclusion to be made in which i will 
: mockingly consult robin.
: 
: Robin: (i hate batman, he is jerk) That's 
: right batman!
: 
: Aquaman: i just stnad here because i have no 
: powers on land.
: 
: Wonder twins: We can only activate our powers 
: by touching fist, and then we turn into the most useless thing 
: we can think of at the time, sometimes actually making the 
: situation worse.
: 
: Monkey: (what am i doing here, i have no powers 
: and i only weigh 12 pounds)
: 
: 
: You are right, the Super freinds would 
: win if all they had to do was knock over the x-men. The X-men would 
: fall over with laughter. 
: 
: But once they get up again from rolling on the floor, 
: they will then wipe out the superfriends. Why? because they will 
: still be standing there either explaining what they could do 
: before they do each motion. 
: 
: the rest of the fight goes like this
: 
: Superman: i will use my super speed to take out....
: 
: as he gets grabed by rogue
: 
: GL: oh no, they did something to superman.
: 
: Aquaman: i need water
: 
: Wolverine: you have got to be kidding, they are 
: telling us how to beat them.
: 
: WW: i will take out this flying weather woman. I 
: will have to get to my invisible jet. I hope she doesn't realize 
: that i can't fly during a storm.
: 
: Storm: ummmm ok..... winds do my bidding. 
: Lightning strike that woman.
: 
: Wonder twins: Wonder twins activate, form of 
: mouse, shape of ice sheet. 
: 
: Gl just sliped and fell on the ice, wolverine pounced 
: on him and knocked him out.
: 
: Aquaman: where is the water!!
: 
: Batman: i don't know old chum. What do you 
: think robin?
: 
: Robin: (shut up!) yeah water is what we need.
: 
: Cyclops: storm could you do me a favor and just 
: sweep these guys away?
: 
: Storm picks up some gail winds and the rest of 
: the Superfriends are now gone. 
: : 
: : Peter
: : "I don't suffer from insanity...I 
: : enjoy every minute of it." 
: 
: Acecool
: 
: I was cured all right 

- An argument on a different measage board.

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