The doors part swiftly as a figure bursts into the room and drops to her knees. Gasping for breath under a tight bodice, the woman manages to get out a few words...

"Quickly... we must... hurry..."

"Wonder Woman, what is it? What's wrong?" asks Superman who rushes to her aid.

"An hour ago, a pack of angry chihuahuas, roughly the weight of a rottweiler, escaped from the Grudge Match Archives and is tearing downtown to pieces."

"Great Jupiter! Aquaman, call all the Superfriends and tell them to meet us downtown as fast as possible."

Minutes later the group arrives downtown, where they come upon a combat zone. Amid the action, a large hairy man with claws protruding from his wrists has cornered a chihuahua which is peeing angrily.

"Don't worry citizen, the Superfriends will take care of this," announces Superman as he pushes the man aside.

"Watch where you put those hands, bub. Those are some swell tights, but the X-Men are here now, so you can go back to the circus with the rest of the freaks."

The street clears as the two groups break out in a battle royale. The high pitched yapping of a rottweiler's weight in chihuahuas is quickly drowned out by the sound of battle cries and super powers.

So, Paul, which set of super-powered saviors will snag the title of Studliest Superheroes?

Paul: Ah, Joe, do you have your regular quota of delusional rantings at the ready? Because it will take a great grade-A delusion to think the Superfriends have any chance to beat the X-Men.

What's that? Did I hear a chorus from the world of cyberspace? "What about Superman? He's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than..." Blah blah blah. This time, he must face an opponent he cannot beat - his own inner child. With Professor X and Jean Grey on the scene, they will probe his mind and make him face his own messed up psyche. His parents died in a planetary catastrophe. His adopted father died. And now as an adult, he is cursed to be a perpetual virgin, unable to express his love for Lois Lane without gutting her like a fish (Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex, 1971). Furthermore, he cannot relieve himself anymore in the Fortress of Solitude (Tourist tip: Don't eat the gray ice) after impaling several, ahem, sperm whales. And it's about time that someone told him that flying around in a tight fitting suit without the full package is embarrassing. Within five minutes, Superman is in the fetal position humming Crash Test Dummies hits, oblivious to his new Kryptonite necklace Beast produced just for the occasion. Superman is dead, again.

With Superman out of the picture, what do the Superfriends have left? Not a heck of a lot. Let's compare. Wolverine had a matching set of built in Ginzu(tm) wrists that can cut through nearly anything. Wonder Woman has a nice pair of bracelets that match her tiara. Storm can bring forth the full fury of the forces of nature. Batman has lots of cute gadgets and can kick. Rogue can fly and is nearly indestructible. Green Lantern has a ring, just like the secret de-coder ones from Ovaltine. This is a joke. Really, the only Superfriend of any value here is Aquaman and that's only if the Chihuahuas get nervous enough to flood the city.

But what did you expect from the Superfriends? Look at some of the third-string losers that they allow to join. Bad enough that Affirmative Action forced the inclusion of mediocre heroes like Samurai, Black Vulcan and (*snicker*) Apache Chief, they went out and found JUNIOR Superfriends. Sure, let's bring in kids to help us fight the deadly forces of evil. The Wonder Twins combine the powers of Manimal with a puddle. Marvin is as dumb as a barrel of hammers and is regularly captured with ease. Yet he can beat Superman in arm wrestling, revealing how pathetic the Justice League really is. Wendy has the superpower of baking cookies. Need I go on?

The X-Termination is assured.

Joe: Paul, paul, paul... I cannot believe you are going to sit there and tell me that Superman's inability to get laid is going to hurt him in this fight. Now, I don't like to bring up The RAGE too often, but Superman clearly has it. And who do you think is going to be the target of his rage, huh? Yup, that's right. All those cute little X-women. Jean Grey, Storm, Rogue and Jubilee won't even be able to show up to the fight for fear of the Man of Steel screwing them faster than a speeding bullet and shooting them off to the sun. And after that comment about his package, Paul, I wouldn't be showing up there either if I were you.

Wolverine might get a chance to slice Batman a little bit, but lets see him try and take on the Flash. Like Logan doesn't get pissed off enough when people try and run from him, what if he can't even catch them? Have you ever seen a roadrunner kill a snake? Probably not, you don't live in New Mexico, but lemme tell you it's the funniest thing you've ever seen. The bird runs around until the snake gets tired and then the roadrunner eats it. I don't think the Flash is a cannibal, though, so he'll have to settle for kickin' Wolvie's ASS.

Green Lantern's ring may look a little cheesy and yes, I had one too when I was a kid, but his does actually shoot. In fact, it shoots just about the same as Cyclops' head, only Green Lantern has been around for so much longer he can control it better. It'll be like an old west shoot-out with Green Lantern as Doc Holiday and Cyclops as Ellie Mae Clampett.

As for the rest of them, Wonder Woman will keep Gambit under wraps with a little Striptease, Beast (who doesn't really do ANYTHING) will be caught up in Batman's little toys and Professor X will be Gone in 60 Seconds when Robin starts chasing his wheelchair down Main Street in the Batmobile. The X-men are just outclassed here, maybe they should just walk their sorry asses back to Hollywood and make another movie and let the REAL superheroes handle crime-fighting.

Paul: Very good job, Joe. Those are definitely grade-A delusions.

I do not think there is any doubt who the real superheroes are around here. Two words for you: SECRET IDENTITIES. Why do the Superfriends hide behind disguises while in action? Maybe because they are a bunch of cowards, unwilling to face criminals outside non-office hours. Maybe they have a co-dependence with their outrageous uniforms, unable to perform without Linus-like security blankets. Maybe they are scared of the paparazzi. It doesn't matter. Everyone knows where the X-Men live and they walk around in public just challenging anyone to take a shot at them. And they're still standing. With the wimpy Superfriends more obsessed with their masks than your average Mexican pro wrestler, their distractions will be fatal.

X marks the spot. You are here... and DEAD!

Joe: Paul, this is ridiculous. Those arguments were so unfounded that I am not even going to validate anything you said by even addressing your comments. The simple fact is that a group of weirdos with mutations can not beat a time-tested squad of SuperHeroes. The Superfriends have been around for years and have been able to handle any possible threat to the planet. Superman alone has been able to turn back time as well as return from Death itself. Nothing can stop the guy, let alone a couple of over-hyped freaks of nature. None of the X-Men will even be able to catch the Flash much less attack him in any sort of way. He'll just run around and punch each one of them until they get really annoyed and just go home. Green Lantern can fly around and shoot all of them with his neat-o ring and Hawkman will be his wingman, dropping crap on Wolverine from 600 feet like a pigeon. At least, that is what I assume his superpower is.

Batman and Robin are both verifiable heroes too. They have all kinds of neat gadgets and martial arts ability. The X-men are used to going up against guys who can shoot psychic blasts or get inside their minds. They are not equipped to go up against souped-up conventional weapons like a Bat-A-Rang or even the Batmobile. Do the X-Men have a car with that level of coolness? Nope, the only wheels they got come in the form of a retired Star Trek captain who can't even get a real job.

Wonder Woman is our ace in the hole. The X-Men are probably pretty tired of not getting any from the X-Women, so as soon as Wonder Woman steps (or leaps) into the combat, the X-Dudes will form a nice little line of hooting, leering perverts screaming, "You can tie me up anytime, honey!". And of course, Storm will be there too, because everyone knows she is a lesbian.

The Superfriends have been handling galactic disasters for years now and just because the X-Men have a new movie out where they all wear skin-tight black leather costumes it does not mean they are suddenly a "force to be reckoned with." They should go back to fighting the little villains that they are used to and let Superman and Co. take on the real dangers, like angry chihuahuas or Bill Gates.

Thanks to Issa Khan at the University of Ottawa
and our own Paul Golba™ for suggesting this match.

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Grudge™...

Due to the large response file size (over a quarter meg), we were forced to use not only the Iron Fist™ but also the Man of Steel Fist™. Even with the last minute use of the dreaded Adamantium Fist™, we still had to go to two pages of responses.

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

The X-Men wouldn't stand a chance against the Justice League, unfortunately the Superfriends are not the Justice League. What they are is a pathetic, powered-down kiddie show version of the Justice League. Here are their individual fates in this battle, as I see them:

The Flash: The Superfriends' greatest weapon, the Flash could potentially end the battle in less than a minute by running around at the speed of sound and knocking all the X-Men unconcious. However, unlike Superfriends which didn't even have any DC Comics villains until the Legion of Doom was introduced, the X-Men cartoon was lousy with guest stars. Prof. X makes a quick mental call to Marvel Comics' mutant speedster Quicksilver to keep Flash busy for the duration of the battle.

Superman: This is not the happily married, sexually satisfied Superman of comics today. This Superman is, as Paul so aptly pointed out, a sexually frustrated overgrown adolescent. The only invulnerable female of his acqaintance who isn't a blood relative is Wonder Woman, and we all know what they say about those Amazons, living together on that island, no men around . . . *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink*. Once Rogue starts coming on to him he'll drop his guard, allowing her to plant a big wet one on his lips. Once that happens, Rogue's mutant abilities will kick in and she'll sap all his powers. Suddenly unable to fly, Supes will plummet to street below. Goodbye Superman, hello Street-Pizza Man!

Wonder Woman: Wonder Woman has magic bracelets that can deflect bullets. Of course bullets are one thing, adamantium claws are another thing entirely. One swipe from Wolverine and Wondy'll be shouting, "Look ma, no hands!"

Batman & Robin: That "Chasing down Professor X in the Bat-Mobile," trick Joe mentioned might work if ol' Charlie-boy weren't the most powerful telepath in the world. He'll take control of the Boy Wonder's mind and make him run over Batman, then force him to drive the Bat-Mobile into the nearest telephone pole at top speed.

Aquaman: Without a body of water around Aquaman is utterly useless. I'm not sure exactly which X-Man will destroy the "King of the Seas," but it'll be a mercy killin', I'll tell ya that!

Green Lantern: Green Lantern possesses one of the most powerful weapons in the world in the form of his ring. However, as any comics geek will tell you, that ring has only one weakness . . . the color yellow.
The X-Men's costumes are blue and . . . yellow.

The Wonder Twins: The lovely Jan will get picked up by that ol' hound- dig Gambit, meanwhile the Beast's wisecracks about his sexuality will cause Jace to slink off in embarrassment.

Wendy & Marvin: They got crushed by a falling Superman.

Apache Chief, Samurai, & Black Vulcan:
Black Vulcan: Fuck affirmative action, I'm outta here!
Samurai: No kidding, I don't get paid enough to put my ass on the line for those honkies!
Apach Chief: Look at what I'm wearing! I'm so ashamed . . .

- Don "King" Milliken

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

By this point I'm probably the 12th person to say this (out of the 768 who eventually will), but it's gotta be said anyhow...

According to Clause 773 of Paragraph 276 of Section 23 of Article 17 of the Grudge Match^TM Ground Rules, anyone involved in a Match is assumed to be carrying the weight of all previous TV/movie/videogame/whatever incarnations around with them. Always a favourite passage for voter commentaries to draw upon.

In the X-Men Movie, Patrick Stewart is Professor Xavier. Patrick Stewart was Jean-Luc Picard. And according to Clause 1 of Paragraph 1 of Section 1 of Article 1 of the Grudge Match^TM Ground Rules, Star Trek cannot win.

End of story. Superfriends by a ground rule.

And Picard was French too. O the humanity! - Eds.

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

To the casual observer, the Superfriends vs the X-Men may seem like an even match, until you realize that the Superfriends have one crucial advantage over the X-Men. Every half hour, the Superfriends have to provide valuable consumer advice for little kids. How to avoid provoking a dog that doesn't know you into attacking you. How the smaller sizes of toothpaste can wind up costing you more money per volume. Coin tricks to make all of your friends pee in their pants at the next birthday party. Useful shit like that.

Between that, and School House Rock™ before and after every Superfriends episode, all someone has to do is ask Wolverine what 5 x 6 is, and by the time he rattles off, "Five, ten, fifteen, twenty..." the Wonder Twins will have already answered thirty, given three conjunctions, and told you how a fucking bill becomes a law.

- And Knowing Is Half The Battle!

X Men win easily because for the most part, the Superfriends are pathetic. You see, there's Hawkman, who can fly real good......but not as good as Superman. There's The Flash, who can run real good....but not as good as Superman. Then theres Aquaman....who sucks opposed to swimming real good....but not as good as Superman. Now Superman is all powerful, but he's dumber then even Bizzaro....and yes thats saying a lot. He is quite simply the densest superhero ever......The Tick(tm) outsmarts him(in his clever guise of Clark Oppenheimer) In the new animated series he says at one point. "Darn, Bizzaro fooled me"....lets take a second to reflect......Bizzaro......fooled.....me......Bizzaro makes Troglodytes seem like rocket scientists!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the Superfriends do have Batman(my lord and savior) and the Green Arrow who both rock, but both also hate Superman(see Dark Knight Returns) So both will ditch the Superfriends and leave them to die at the hands of the X Men.....(Well Batman will be busy hitting on the X Chicks.....)

- Amish Commando

"Don't Mess With the S"

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

The Superfriends. The Superfriends. They were a sorry bunch. They were pushed down our throats during the cartoon stupidity days of the 1970s, for which we can blame the Nixon resignation and the introduction of Scrappy-Doo. Everything was so politically correct that our favorite DC superheroes became just self-narrating jerks. They were such morons they hired other "heroes" to join the group: Wendy, Marvin, and Wonderdog, barely capable of the rational thought. And the Wonder Twins were no better. ("Form of... an ice top hat!")

The X-Men. Pretty simple: Sure, pretty compelling comic book, but here we have the cartoon group. Sure, we watched for the heroes, but it was TOO DRAMATIC to be entertaining. For Saturday morning fare, it was a yawn. Too much whining about how society hated them, not enough busting up bad guys. To quote new Grudge champion Hobbes: "I thought fun was supposed to be fun." Alas, this fun was no fun. Ho- hum. No wonder Fox cancelled them.

So we're left with a bunch of morons versus a bunch of melodramatic jerks. This is an insult to the comics and heroes they were SUPPOSED to be like in the cartoons.

This is a write-in for "All Mangled, Killed, and Throats Ripped Out by the Chihuahuas". This'll be a great first win for them.

- Charge Man

And why is it so bad? Well, let's think about something here. As we know, the Superfriends have super powers, and the X-men (and two X- women) have antonomically impossible DNA. No, I'm not talking about super-abilities, but rather appearance. Let's compare to a standard modern super-hero example.

Commander Gonad: Oh shit! Look! It's Captain Evil!

Second-officer Steroid: Holy Christ! Better call Lietuent Woman!

Lieutenant Woman: Right!

{The three promptly beat the shit out of the some under-paid moron in tights)

Commander Gonad: Few! That was a close one

Second-officer Steroid: You can say that again. But good thing we made it, huh Lietunent.

Lieutenant Woman: Definetely! And notice I have a pair gentically impossible hooters!

{All three break out into syncronized laughter)

-See what I mean? This explains the yellow latex. This is why it's so pitiful, only the WWWF could dive so low.

God help us, or at least the atheists.

- Bill, the guy who supplies the chick with the calculater at OfficeMaxr

X-Men spelled backwards = Nem-X

Superfriends spelled backwards = Sdneirfrepus

While I can't see many scenarios wherein "Nem-X" will pop up in conversation, "Sdneirfrepus" isn't even pronouncable without triggering your gag reflex, so I think it's safe to assume that the Superfriends win this round.

HOWEVER...

The X-Men are from the Marvel universe, which of course means that they just won't stay dead. X-Men alum Jean Grey has died at least six times, and yet she's alive, kicking, and looking fine today. This means that, no matter how many creative ways the Superfriends get the X-Men to say "Nem-X" ("Hey, what comes after Nem- W?"), the buggers will just reappear every time the Friends turn their backs. Things seem pretty deadlocked...

HOWEVER...

These are all moot points when you look at the one thing the Superfriends have that the X-Men don't: THE WONDER TWINS! All Jan & Janna (or whatever the hell their names are) have to do to win is:

"Power of... A CHAINSAW!"
"Form of... SEVERAL ANGRY MOUNTAIN GORILLAS!"

Let's face it: All the adamantium in the world can't save you from army of enraged, chainsaw-wielding, 7-foot apes. The Superfriends in 8 minutes.

- Vermin Boy

- Futile (resitance is and always will be ..a...ahhhhhhhhh.beep..beeeeeeeeeep. CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE! CLEAR!)

THE MOVIE FACTOR
The sheer stupidity of the Batman movies should lose the battle for the Superfriends already...Val Kilmer? George Clooney? uuuhhh...right...of all the possible actors...X-men have a kick ass movie that is coming out, and they don't have wussy ass rubber costumes that show the outlines of their nipples...

X-Men 1 Superfriends 0

BATMAN V. ANY X-WOMEN
Women is batman's weakness...he's slept (or tried to) with all his female opponents...Catwoman...Poison Ivy...While pretending to jump in the sac with him, an X-women just has to slit his throat...end of story...

X-Men 2 Superfriends 0

AQUAMAN V. STORM
Again...no contest...even if the chihuahuas did decide to help out aquaman...all storm has to do is release some lighting...BOOM...might as well throw in some potatoes...fish and chips!!!

X-Men 3 Superfriends 0

SUPERMAN V. ROGUE & GAMBIT
Rogue kicks ass... she can fly, and absorb powers...all she has to do is fly up to superman, and absorb his powers...and if that fails, and she dies, Gambit will be so full of the RAGE(tm) at the lost of his loved one that Superman will not stand a chance...

X-Men 4 Superfriends 0

WONDERWOMAN V. EVERYONE ELSE
Okay you superfriends fans...I'll give you this one...not only does wonder woman have her female charms, she also has FANBOYS!!!...yes, the horny fanboys full of the RAGE (tm) will come the defense of the object of their erotic fantasies...due to the RAGE (tm) of fans, there will be a bonus of +4 for superfriends in addition to the regular point

X-Men 5 Superfriends 5

ROBIN V. WOVERINE
What have we learned from the Batman movies (which I have come to despise so much)? the Dynamic Duo needs teamwork!!!...when Poison Ivy split them up, even the worst of thugs can literally clean the latrines with them...but since Batman has already succumbed to womanly charms, Robin will turn into the sissy-boy that is really is...no sweat for wolvie...yo bub *SNIKT*...Holy Humperoony Batman, he decapitated me just like that...

X-Men 6 Superfriends 5

THE FLASH V. CYCLOPS
yes the flash may be fast...but he can't be faster than light...for those of you who didn't learn your physics, anything faster than light is turned into energy, and has no form...cyclops' optic flare is light, thus faster than the flash can ever hope to be...zap...

X-Men 7 Superfriends 5

JEAN GREY V. WHICH EVER SUPERFRIENDS AND/OR HORNY FANBOYS STILL ALIVE
Although anything beyond this poing is pointless, this just to be complete...Jean grey cosumes planets for snacks...even professor X is no match for her telepathically...for the sake of fairness, and the dignity of the superfriends fans, this will only count as a 400 point advantage for the X-men...*note* I'm being lenient here...

X-Men 407 Superfriends 5

FINAL SCORE:X-Men 407 Superfriends 5

By the way, I must disagree with paul on this one...I think joe's delusionary abilities have surpassed the possible scale of Delusionary Rating(tm)...therefore, it is quite impossible for Joe to recieve a grade A rating...

- MadCat (Batman must die) the Maniac

In the aforementioned Fluffy-bunny Lad fight it would take five years of sub-plots and pointless dragging out of the storyline before the X-Men actually did anything about him. The Superfriends had to stop their opponents in seven minutes! The X-Men will be barely working themselves into a good angst when Aquaman's control of sea life allows him to make the tapeworms they obviously have to eat them from the inside out (or something less nasty if it was for the camera, presumably).

- Joel Mathis

The Superfriends will take this one, easily. With the star power of BOTH Batmen on their side (the two worst losers in the previous Grudge Match were culled in MY universe), there's nothing that the X-men can come up with to touch them. My reasoning can be explained thusly:

PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE: One of the major advantages of the Superfriends is that they can function in spite of their so-called "misfit" status. Being freaks of nature isn't a disadvantage for them: it's a NICHE. Plus, the 1960s Batman has stood up to Egg-head's Mind Reading weapon, because his mind was "so full of trivia". Sure, the X-men can read his mind. Let's see them use the 1993 illiteracy rate of Burkina Faso (88%) against the Superfriends.

OLD-FASHIONED, BRENDAN-STYLE "WHUP-ASS" WARFARE: Old it may be, but "faster than a speeding bullet" wins every time. Superman has been around way longer, so he's got experience that far predates anything Marvellous mutants can come up with. And Batman has toys. Wonderful toys. Which Kevin Smith paid tribute to. All the X-men have in terms of toys, going by Smith films, are things that they use to get "relief" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more).

OBSCURE TRIVIA WARFARE: On one episode of M*A*S*H, Hawkeye refers to "truth, justice and the American way", in order to motivate the readership of "Stars and Stripes". B.J. himself, the M*A*S*H's chief badass, admits that "we think it's super too" (possibly a direct quote). The 4077th has won Grudge Matches an unprecedented THREE TIMES. The Superfriends, therefore, are the Choice of Champions (tm up for grabs).

But can I have the X-women when the Superfriends are done with them?

Superfriends Superman.

If he superman in the comics, or the new cartoon, or even the movies. then I'd give the X-men a chance, especially against the lame versions of the other superheroes (chum?!? Even I could take the superfriends batman!)

But in superfriends, superman is nigh infinitely powerful. Even moreso than the movie superman (and he turned back time!). The SF supeman, though, is the guy who saves the the rest of the SFs by lifting a mountain range, or tunneling through the earth, or using the moon to stop a meteor shower! He'll just lift the whole city off the ground and shake it until the Xmen and all the chihuahua's fall out!

As far as psychic attacks go, take a look at the SF superman. Take a good look. Note the idiotic grin. Listen to the moronic banter. Look at his costume. This guy has the IQ of celery! He's too dumb to be hurt psionically!

Now, the Xmen from the comics might put up a fight, even against the Superfriends, but the flat, boring, shadows of mutant superheroes from the cartoon don't even stand a chance.

BTW, The argument about the xmen not hiding behind costumes is incorrect. Their identities are not publicly known, particularly in the comics, since Forge whiped all info on them from the worlds computer databases (yes, I am a geek, thank you very much).

- Alcon, Protected by a world he is sworn to fear and hate.

What are his superpowers? Picking ticks and lice off cheetah?

This is a no contest.

In the first round, the superfriends go down.

- The Freshmaker

On the other hand, if the question is a matter of who would win in this particular match it would have to be...the chihuahas.

The chihuahas weren't deliberately trying to destroy the city. They were simply releasing their naturally born energy. It just so happens that when you get more than two chihuahas together the result is similar to a megaton nuclear explosion. Ultimately, both the Super Friends and X-men were mercilessly defeated in one final showdown:

Just outside the tangled, writhing mess of tights, fur and piddle was one lone chihuaha who had casually walked up to the fight and sat. The first superhero to notice was Wolverine, who was struggling to free himself from Superman's grip while savagely clawing at Batman's suit. Quickly, each superhero sensed something amidst and each looked in the same direction at the pint-sized canine. Then, as the realization quickly dawned upon them of the impending catastrophe their eyes grew into orbs of sheer terror...but it was too late...

The beast didn't even finish his sentence before the scene quickly changed into something nightmarish as eighteen superhero heads exploded into a salsa-like cloud. The superhero's never expected the continued onslaught of marketing repetition and had already stretched their tolerance threshold. They were doomed from the start.

- Roger Alicea

1. Why does everyone think Storm is a lesbian? She had a boyfriend, the Indian guy Forge, who is about a bazillion times cooler than Apache Chief.

2. Speaking of which, I have a little Apache ancestry (okay, only 1/16th, but it's more than you got, so shut up!), and I quite frankly find Apache Chief stereotypical and demeaning. I suppose they could have stuck him in a feather headdress and been totally historically incorrect, but still...offending my ancestry causes the Super-Friends to lose points even BEFORE I start analyzing their chances.

Remember, the Super-Friends had trouble with Captain Cold and an unarmed talking gorilla. Charlton Heston beat up many talking gorillas with guns in Planet of the Apes. Charlton Heston was also Moses. Moses has been dead for quite awhile. All the X-Men, except Jubilee I think, have been dead at least once. Therefore -

Many occasionally dead people with super-powers > One always dead guy without super-powers > many gorillas with rifles > one gorilla with no rifle > Super-Friends.

Oh, and I'm not going to HTML format this one. I did that on the last few and it didn't get me anywhere. So blow me.

- Insomnus, Arch-Fiend and Chief Tormentor of Beekeepers, and current organizer of The Hello Kitty

ENNECKCHUCK!!

- Mr. Potato Head

In DC comics, as a gimic, they nuked Green Lantern's town and turned him into a mass murderer who destroyed ALL REALITY, and almost rebuilt reality. Later, he got the power of The Spectre WHO HAD MORE POWER THAN HE DID!!

Here's what will happen on each side:

Prof. X- Surely you will all die by my hand!! (Looking like Dr. Evil, speaking in a lisp).
Cyclops: By why Prof? Why can't we just hang out with our new Superfriends?
Prof. X- Shut up, you impudent little imp! You're not mutant enough to be my student! You're only quasi-mutant! Diet-mutant! Just one calorie!

Green Lantern:(Seeing everything retro)This...this isn't right!! (looking at Wondertwins and Apache Chief) The JLA was never THIS lame!! (Using his near omnipotent powers, wipes everyone, including himself out of existence, ending his (and the X-mens) notoriously lame comic books).

And there was much rejoicing.

Or, otherwise, I imagine the side of the hideously ugly new X-men costumes in the comic book will cause the Superfriends to laugh themselves to death.

Still, all mangled and killed until the next major 1000 issue limited series.

- Shadowknight

- flameboy(tm)

Oh, but what's this?!!

They aren't up against the JLA-- no hook for Aqua-nobody. No ever- lovin' Plastic Man. No Oracle. No master Amazon warrior Wonder Woman.

They're up against the Super Friends. Good God.

It's all over. X-Men are frought with emotional and social problems. Members die (even in the cartoon). They lose battles now and then. The Superfriends? They NEVER lose. Despite the exceedingly lame racial stereotypes of Apache Chief and that Asian tornado-guy (who's no Red Tornado, by the way) and the fact the Wendy and Marvin (and Wonder Dog) were members, they always pull through. Always. Sorry. Things are eternally happy-happy despite the fact the Legion of Doom always escapes and the Superfriends talk like your grandma.... unless your grandma is foulmouthed. I don't know. Don't look at me.

The point is. The Superfriends don't have the power the X-Men do. They just teach kids how to make a piggy bank out of an old milk carton. The Superfriends simply stand, smile smugly, say something astoundingly stupid that shames those that love them and still win. Those mighty mutants can send countless blasts toward DC's 2-D cardboard standups of popular characters, but in the end, no one beats the Supahfriends. Not the Legion of Doom, not Despero (in an issue of "Wizard"), and not the X-Men.

As powerful a force as X-Men are, the Superfriends always win whether their methods make sense or not. Usually not. Hmmm... come to think of it, they aren't that different from the current JLA....

- Noel Schornhorst (comic geek stuck in the past)

My owns words fail me, so I shall quote from Jump The Shark's commentaries on Superfriends:

"Gee, where do I start? Every episode was dorky, but the absolute worst was the one where some villain sends an inflatable flying saucer flying over a traffic jam, causing panic. Superman comes along, punctures the thing, and Ted Knight blares in his best overdone voice, "And so, the danger is averted." WHAT danger? From a BALLOON?!?!?! What a waste of the Last Son of Krypton. I took my comics very seriously as a kid....why couldn't Hollywood? Instead, they're buffoons...or if they aren't, their opponents WERE (Otis from the Superman movies....gag me).

There you have it. folks. Facts are, "Superfriends" was a horrid freak of publicity that wretchedly backfired on the entire DC universe. The Wonder Twins only made people wonder if that monkey was the result of some perverse incestuous accident involving a donkey and an ice-stalagmite. Nobody knows why the hell Darth Vader's helmet became the secret ocean (gee, where Aqua-"I wear orange and green tights and ride sea mammals"-mans kingdom is) base of that moronic league of evil (which never used its only two members--Bizarro and Solomon Grundy--who were stronger than Superman!). And the heroes themselves had nothing better to do than deflate menacing weather balloons and spend every other adventure as pissy little "Superbabies" who had to get rescued by future VP Al Gore's "Politically Correct Gestapo of Men in Tights."

"X-Men", on the other hand, is a first-rate example of why comic books and associated spinoffs are still the number one entertainment outlet for American boys: the guys have bitchin' powers and the chicks have second-skin catsuits. Every male under the age of 18 who could wake up in time every Saturday was treated to badass mofos who kick ass and take the names (and numbers) of the chicks that they saved. "Yeah baby, my eyes are the only thing that can blast. Come on down to the "Danger Room" and I'll show you sometime..." If you are going to tell me that the "Ragin Cajun" wasn't spreading some Mardi Gras fun every weekend (in competition with Mr. "Animal Magnetism" Logan, no doubt) then Jean Grey wasn't having a secret love affair with Storm.

- Chris "abstinance, reefers, and Saturday mornings don't mix" Mullane

Myth #1: Superman/Clark Kent's father is dead.
Correction: In the Superman series of films, his father is dead, but in the comic books today, he's very much alive, although DC Comics, in an effort to educate about the effects of child abuse, often has Pa Kent saying things to Clark like, "Come on, you little pussy! Hit me! Ah, fuck it. Jesus Christ, I raised a limp-wristed little fairy!"

Myth #2: Lois Lane is still leading Superman on.
Correction: Nope, they're married now. And one can only assume Clark's getting him some. How he does it without exploding his blushing bride is really anyone's guess.

Myth #3: Superman is a big blue boy scout and couldn't hurt a fly. He'll knuckle under to the X-Men.
Correction: There's been a story floating around in Hollywood circles for years, buried by E! and Access Hollywood, that surrounds a bar, a guy floating outside the bar's window, and a death thanks to Superman's drunken irresponsibility. All reports end with the contention that the bartender told Superman that he's a "mean goddamn drunk." So who knows? Maybe he's not morally clean like the news makes him out to be.

In conclusion, I can only assume that Superman will take care of the X-Men while the rest of the Superfriends take a smoke break. How can Wolverine use his claws when his arms get torn off? Or Cyclops his eye rays when his head is separated from his body? And Storm? Please. Superman flies through lightning storms as part of his morning jog around the world on patrol. Gambit? He's French, and the French don't fare well in the WWWF. That instantly disqualifies him. Oh sure, he's French-Cajun, but just having anything to do with the French dooms him. Professor X will have a stroke when he probes Superman's mind and finds the fantasies in there. I mean, come on, with powers like that, you know YOU would abuse them. Old Clark's been holding back for years, so who knows how rich his fantasy life is? Hmmm?

The rest of the X-Men whiner has-been's and never-were's flee.

Superman (and the Superfriends) in thirteen minutes, ten seconds. And Gleek dances over their corpses and throws purple monkey poo at the fleeing horde.

- Hey Jude the Obscure

Batman: Broken back, recovers.

Robin: Dead (someone else in the suit)

Superman: Died, Came back as 4, then returns as 1

Wonder Women: Fired from job, then returns

Green Arrow: Dead (someone else is in the suit now)

Flash: Dead (someone else is in the suit now)

Aquaman: Has a harpoon as an arm now

Hawkman: A GOD (read Zero Hour)

Superkids, and mediocre heroes: Dead or should be

Green Lantern:

Well here is where it gets interesting. See, Green Lantern lost that ring of his. Only it happened when he got pissed from the RAGE. Who better to show the RAGE then him. His hometown gets blown up, and he tries to recreate it. The Guardians say no. He then gets pissed. Decides that he's tired of working for them, and goes on a rampage. Destroys the rest of the freaking Green Lantern Corps, takes on the Guardians, and knocks them out. Steps into the Big Lantern and takes on all the energy. (Green Lantern 48-50)

Then he gets really pissed and restarts the entire universe from the begining. Changing history as he sees fit, and creating or removing the hero's that he wants. (Zero Hour 4-0)

Yeah he loses at the end, but how? By being held by his replacement (the new Green Lantern with no yellow problem, or 24 hrs limit either), and having an arrow fired in his heart by Green Arrow.

Oh wait, I see that he's now working WITH Green Lantern.

- Nutrini

Superman: DC's biggest gun, bar none. Every single superpower you can imagine. And this is the Pre-Crisis Superman. The one who hauled planets.

Batman: A terrorist who strikes against bad guys and uses fear as his weapon. And easily pissed off.

Robin: Batman's protege. Cannon fodder.

Wonder Woman: Nearly as strong as Superman and also a lesbian, carrying much suppressed rage at her inability to have a relationship. Also the only woman alive who could survive sex with Superman. That's durability.

Aquaman: Telepath and ruler of 2/3rds of the freakin' planet.

Green Lantern: His ring does any damn thing he wants depending on his willpower, and you cannot scare this guy. Whatsoever.

There's that enough for now.

X-Men members:

Cyclops: Underused but powerful. Written off by writers.

Jean Grey: Telepathic telekinetic and also written off.

Gambit: Powerful, suave, written off.

Storm: Written off.

Rogue: Written off.

Prof. X: Written off.

Beast: Hardly used at all.

Wolverine: Ah, the main character. Yep, according to Marvel, he's pretty much the leader of the freakin' universe, despite having only a healing factor that barely works because poisonous metal is bonded to his skeleton. And not only that, he's also, according to Marvel, the main character of the X-Men movie. So let me explain it to everyone:

The X-Men movie's gonna suck. It will suck like a tiahuanan crack-whore who's just been handed a ten-thousand dollar bill. It will blow like a Hoover vacuum set in reverse and given a direct feed to the antimatter-fountain at the center of the galaxy. I have seen better acting in a preschool nativity class, and from what I can tell, Ian Mckellan signed up for that movie so he could keep working until he was certain he was playing Gandalf in Lord of the Rings, and Stewart mainly so Wolverine fanboys would leave him the Hell alone and so he could prove he can do more than captain a starship despite being a Shakespearean-trained actor.

So the movies's going to be horrible, and, when compared to movies like the first Burton-directed Batman, the first Superman and hell, even the Flash TV show, the X-Men deserve to be beaten, pummelled, dragged back to the Hall of Justice and given over to Darkseid as a peace offering.

- Azrael, grim harbringer of good comic stories.

- tDK

The Superfriends are cheesy guys, it makes me wanna break
My stupid TV now, that show's too much to take
A real upstanding team, a real upstanding name
But upstanding is just not good enough today
Oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo
Oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo
They're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed...

They're gonna die-ie-ie, yeah
Superfriends dead
Say goodbye-ye, yeah
They shoulda turned and fled
Can't you see why-y, yeah
X-Men will win instead
Wolverine could kill them with one hand tied behind his head

Cyclops will just blast those poor guys, there's nothing they can do
Storm could create some wind, and send them to Peru
A really badass team, a really badass gang
They'll gonna make those Superdorks feel super pain
They're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're screwed, they're doomed, they're dead, they're hosed, they're boned

They're gonna die-ie-ie, yeah
Superfriends dead
Say goodbye-ye, yeah
They shoulda turned and fled
Can't you see why-y, yeah
X-Men will win instead
Wolverine could kill them with one hand tied behind his head

Oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo, oh, oh boo-hoo...

Don't the X-Men always know
Don't the X-Men always know
Yes the X-men always know
Don't the X-Men always know that they can't lose, no way, no way
Go X-Men, all the way, all the way...

- My name is Kenny

- Rev. Chainsaw

You seem to have forgotten that the Superfriends were HANNA-BARBERA. HB cartoons barely even move, let alone kick ass. They're whitewashed and family friendly. When they defeat the bad guys they don't kill them, or rip them apart, they tie them up in a cute little bundle and drop them off at the Police Station (where they'll undoubtedly be set free as the Super heroes' evidence collecting skills leave something to be desired, and Aquaman doesn't know a hell of a lot about search warrants or due process.)

The X-Men lay waste to city blocks. The only one of the Superfriends (what a pansy name) who would be any bother at all is Superman, and Storm could summon some big ass clouds to block out the sun, weakening Supes' kryptonian biology. Aside from him, they're all a bunch of second rate bargain bin superheroes. Sure, The Flash is fast, but all Rogue has to do is lay a hand on him and he's out of commision, AND she now has superhuman speed. This isn't a contest, it's an exercise in humiliation.

X-Men win, no question.

- Matt Barrentine

Why Logan and Drake? Logan, AKA "Wolverine," has inhuman stamina and regeneration. Not wimpy "healing," but REGENERATION! If it takes a human being two days to heal from a scrape, Logan takes only two MINUTES! He can outlast all the other X-Men in this superbrawl, and when the dust settles and the "Super"friends have been blasted, smashed, crushed, and eviscerated, the adamantium-laced Canadian crankshaft has enough left over to order a triple-pepperoni and Canadian bacon pizza and pick up a six-pack of Molson. Wolverine can destroy Superman, because steel is a hard but brittle iron-carbon alloy, and adamantium is the strongest, hardest, densest metal in the comic universe(s).

Robert "Bobby" Drake is the one known as Iceman, and as such is more than a match for that goon in bright red spandex, "Flash." He just needs to coat the ground with a thick layer of solid water, and Flashy can't run without slamming his butt (or his nose) on hard ice. Iceman is so totally unorthodox that not even Professor X knows what he's going to do next. If Xavier can't figure it out, then tough kryptonite for the supergoons, who will have frostbitten hands and feet after being encased in ice.

They don't even need the other X-Dudes, except maybe to dispense unheeded advice:

Beast: Logan, perhaps you should watch what is on your posterior as well as your anterior.
Wolverine: Shaddup, Hank! I know what I'm doin'!
*SNIK**HACK**CUT**CHOP**EVISCERATE**DISEMBOWEL*
Cyclops: Wolverine, what the hell have you just done?!
Iceman: He just made Supercuts out of the Superfriends! Smooth one, Logan!
Wolverine: Shaddup, Drake, if ya know what's good for ya!

X-Men take it, 12 (or however many Superfreaks) - 0

- If D-kun's response isn't posted, then D-kun will hunt down every one of the maintainers and sic Wolverine's weight in chihuahuas on you!

- Drew

After multiple attempts to get posted in the last Grudgematch the freak known only as Captain Demento was foiled again. It seemed nothing could get him back. What does that build....RAGE(tm). Now the Grudgematch itself would be too formidible a target, too many defenses. Besides Devin(TM) did not seem too happy with them last Grudge, let him deal with the Grudge.

But there was something else. Thats right...the X-Meat(Tm). You see Demento had always been angry with the fact that DC Characters are always voted against. That Superman(TM) is always going to loose because of lack of popularity. That the same voting system which crippled Lobo(Tm) could also wreck the JLA. (I refuse to call them the Superfags-that cartoon sucked fat monkey balls.) Now he could not go after the X-Meat movie as he would eventually go to Prison(TM) for it. But the law only protects REAL people...not comic book characters. After 15 surge sodas and watching DC Cab he got an idea. Go into the comic book! Heh heh. He used his invention skills to build a dimension traveling machine outta a toaster and an old Yugo. Then he built a super death ray out of an old PowerMac(TM). He had seen what such an artifact did to the Independance Day Fleet...it should work on the X-Meat as well.

He teleported into the X-Meat comic book. After hacking his way through numerous lesser mutants he came acrost the X-Meat. Several of them were destroyed but there combined powers forced the hulking mass of insanity and bravado known as Captain Demento to retreat. The X- Meat surrounded him in an old barn. Things looked hopeless. All he had left was THE RAGE(tm) but how would that help him here? No matter how motivated you are you'll always be vapourized by a laser beam. Thats when he heard it...USE THE FORCE DUMBSHIT!

An apparition of Mr T appeared and told him how he could build a hella warmachine outta the stuff in the barn that would crush those Jibba Jabberin Mutants. Soon Demento tore through the walls of the barn with a Battlewagon he built outta an old atari, an old slide, a board with a nail in it, an inanimate carbon rod and an old World War II tank. Blessed with the hella toughness of the awesome Mr T the X- Meat ran like scared bitches. Though none of the battlewagon's weapons could hurt the X-Meat (Damn A-team effect!) he ran them all down. Then he returned to his time. There was no fight for the X-Meat were not only dead but had never existed. And finally Superman got some respect.

As for our "hero" he continued to live off the government, sleep till three in the afternoon and continue to try to score with Julie. Later and dammit post this for christsakes. You foos been ignoring me.

- Captain Demento, Weirdo Living off his hottie social worker Julie and Wellfare

For those that can't get enough, head over to Page 2
of the Superfriends v. X-Men response file.

THE FINAL WORD...

A classic matchup. Well, at least a chance to hit the FanBoy Overdrive (tm)! Vrooom!

- Ted Trainor

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Tarzan v. Aquaman
Spider-Man v. The Tick
X-Men vs. Justice League of America (at CBUB)

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ETA: Monday, July 24th, 2000