World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

It's a Monday evening in Washington, D.C., as Richard Gephardt and Al Gore call their daily press conference. "This legislation is outrageous!" yells Gephardt. "Not only does this Extreme-Right-Wing (tm) bill passed today in Congress starve MILLIONS of school-children, but it also leaves the elderly without any health care! And worst of all, it allows a ten-day window for government-subsidized destruction of the Amazon Rain Forest! During Earth Day (tm)! This Radical Contract ON America (tm) must be stopped!"

Several hours later, Newt Gingrich is asked about the consequences of this new legislation. "What?! Schoolkids?! Rain forest?! It was Term Limits Legislation! It has nothing to do with any of that!"

But it's too late. The media has already reported what Gephardt said about the bill. And as we all know, if it's on the news, it must be true.

Thus, plans to destroy the rain forest are begun. The starving of school children and the Kevorkianizing of the elderly are also begun, but that won't be chronicled here. (Note: Normally, President Clinton would have vetoed this legislation, but there was a rider involving immunity of elected officials from Bimbo Lawsuits (tm) and he was forced to sign it.) According to Gore, the bill allocates 50,000 Kronkites to the person who is responsible for bringing down the largest area of rain forest in the next ten days. Two people step forward for the challenge: Paul Bunyan, who needs the money for Blue Oxen Chow (tm) and his tanker-truck-a-day lager habit, and the Tasmanian Devil, who would buy 50,000 Kronkites worth of Hossenfeffah (tm).

So, Steve, which tree-mangling mogul comes out with the money?

Tasmanian Devil (Taz) Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox

Tasmanian Devil

vs.

Paul Bunyan

The Commentary

STEVE: This was indeed a tough decision, since both are very talented when it comes to felling trees. However, the Tasmanian Devil is going to be victorious here, as the numbers will show. We've all seen Taz buzz through trees in an enraged pursuit of Bugs Bunny, and it's clear that he can take down quite a few in a very short time. However, we've never seen him raze the forest when that was his goal. He chops down several trees per second ("tps") when he's just randomly roaming. If he were to go directly from tree to tree in a connect-the-dots fashion, he could increase his output up to possibly 30 tps. Of course, Paul Bunyan will provide some competition. With approximately 40 trees per swipe of his axe, and one swipe every 2 seconds, that only equates to 20 tps. Alas, the numbers show Taz as the victor (Source: G. Adams, J. Lumberjack. Sci. 22 (1992), pp. 73-79.)

This is a lengthy competition (10 days), and so another aspect will become important. Both must eat. Taz can "eat on the fly" and devour small animals as they wander into his path. Bunyan must stop to eat, and must also feed his Ox, which will consume valuable time. There is also the temperature factor. Bunyan is simply not used to the jungle atmosphere. One hundred degrees and humid is a far cry from the cool spring of the Pacific Northwest. The heat will wear him down, and the heat/humidity combination will rust his axe to the point of uselessness.

FYI, a further analysis of the numbers shows that in the ten-day window 43.2 million trees will be cut down. Not bad for the meager price of 50,000 Kronkites!

BRIAN: Twenty tps is a very credible estimate of Paul Bunyan's tree-chopping ability, especially considering it comes from such a reputable source as JLS. But I question Taz' numbers. Clearly this is a guess on your part; if not, then why has it not been backed up? I've done some research, myself. In his battles with Bugs we get good estimates of his tree-felling skills. On several occasions Bugs has enraged Taz to almost incomprehensible measures. So what does Taz do? He goes through trees. How could he ever go faster then when he has The Rage (tm)? Clearly in these cartoons, though, Taz never exceeds 3 tps. Giving him the benefit of the doubt with Bugs out of the picture, he still couldn't exceed 5 tps. This has been verified by some reputable sources (Perkins, M., et al, Feroc. Rod. Weekly, 19 (5), 1993, pp. 43-51).

And second, let's consider motivation here. Paul needs the money. He loves his lager and his beloved Ox is hungry. (And, despite your suggestions, Babe won't be with Paul to slow him down on this trip. Why would he be there? To haul the lumber? I'm assuming that that isn't a requirement; if it was, Taz is toast.) Why does Taz want the money? To buy Hossenfeffah? When he can get all those tasty jungle critters for free? I don't think so. And considering how the Kronkite has dropped versus the Brazilian Peso in recent years (J. Imag. Curr., 55, 1996, pp. 1-6), the prize will only be good for buying one or two meals worth of the lepine delicacy (and unlike Paul, the impetuous Taz wouldn't be able to wait to get back to the states to spend the winnings).

Thus, Bunyan wins, but only 20.7 million trees are cut down. The resulting loss of oxygen production will make human existance on Earth impossible by the year 2031.

STEVE: Three tps??!! For the record, I find that highly questionable, especially since M. Perkins doesn't do his own research, but only steals Jim's results. However, there is an additional factor that makes this point moot.

Obviously, the Brazilians aren't going to take kindly to having their forest chopped down. To the locals, Paul Bunyan (an imposing North American white male) respresents the oppressive tyranny of the upper class who live only to exploit those less fortunate peasants living in third world countries. Put simply, they hate his guts. The locals will begin a ten day long war against him, thwarting him at every turn. Although they probably won't be able to stop him, he will be slowed enough that Taz will win.

On the other hand, Taz is one of natures beasts. He even comes from the southern hemisphere, just like the Brazilians. His destruction of the forest will be viewed as "nature's way", and he will be allowed to raze unhindered. Additionally, most locals will flee from him, justifiably scared of his ravenous appetite. The result: an easy victory for Taz.

BRIAN: You, sir, are way off the mark when you suggest the natives will be a problem for Bunyan. Most people down there are farmers -- thus they will whole-heartedly appreciate the destruction of the rain forest to allow them cost-free clearance of new farm land. But which logger will they like best? Well, Bunyan, being from Minnesota, is, by law, Lutheran. And we all know how good Lutherans are at partying (they are of German descent, afterall). Don't be suprised to see Paul get real chummy with the locals: he invites them up for the next Oktoberfest (tm), and they invite him back down for the next Mardi Gras (tm) where they've promised to make him into a float. Taz, on the other hand, with his haphazard eating habits, will be a great danger to the native farmers. Small tanned children all over the country will be heard yelling the Brazilian equivalent of "Pa! There's a critter in the hen house!" Heaven help Taz as he tries to dodge shotgun fire for 10 days.

There is another group that will surely decide this outcome, however. Two words: Green & Peace. That's right, activists will sway this towards Bunyan. They lock arms and chain themselves to trees, but there's only so many of them. Bunyan's big enough to step over them and proceed. Taz, however, isn't as lucky. He will be forced to come into contact with the activists. And those Earth First (tm) people are pretty resourceful. Having grown up with Warner Bros. (tm), they'll have the short-attention-span-plagued Taz off hunting Moose in railroad tunnels or they will be serving him dynamite-disguised-as-poultry (tm) on Red-Checkered-Tablecloths (tm). Taz won't have a prayer.

The Results

Tasmanian Devil (819)

out chops

Paul Bunyan (600)

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Voter Comments

Response of the Week (tm)

This Grudge Match(tm) is SICK! I AM APPALLED! I QUIT!

I never wanted to write WWWF responses in the first place!
I... I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK!
I'd be just like Paul Bunyan!  Leaping from tree to tree as they float
down the mighty Amazon River!  With my blue ox Babe at my side!  And I
wouldn't take any crap from anyone!
Dumb critters!
Cartoon characters!
Australian rodents!
I'd sing!  Sing!  Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,
I beat up Taz and I will all day.

CHORUS:  He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
         He beats up Taz and he will all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
If Taz don't pay attention
He'll drown in my wee-wee.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
          He goes to the lava-try.
          He'll grab the little vermin
          And will punt him to Chil-e.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I'll feed Taz explodin' pizza,
And he'll blow up for hours.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
          He likes to press wild flowers.
          When Paul is finished axing,
          Taz will be seein' stars.

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
If all else fails, I'll flush him,
He's food for piranha.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
          Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????
          Well, Paul may be a poofter,
          But Taz is fish ca-ca.

CHORUS

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy.....
     Paul is the champ and he's here... to... stay.

And now for something completely different...

And the best thing about this whole thing is Paul Bunyan only has to cut down ONE tree because he has no competition. This, of course, will be a marijuana plant to help aid the war against drugs. The rain forests are preserved!

And remember, if you enjoyed reading this response just half as much as I enjoyed writing it, I enjoyed it twice as much as you. *SPLAT*

Paul Golba - with apologies to the Monty Python cast and thanks to Random Monty Python Sketch Server [dead link] for the original lyrics

ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

I think that Paul would win because I thik that Taz would be a lot like the cheetah. Yes, he is fast but how long can he maintain the intensity?

- anonymous

When Steve received this message, it was from "telnet@cornell.edu". Being the ever suspicious type, he investigated and tracked down the sender's original email address. While we can't divulge the address, we can tell you it ended in "epa.gov". Heh-heh. -B

ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

...Paul and Taz line up outside the forest. Suddenly, both hear a crashing sound. "Let's sing a song about not cutting down trees..."

About this time, Paul swings his axe (which has at least a 5 ft. blade) and cuts barney's head off. Purple blood shoots up into the air. Taz, hungry now, starts spinning on a rampage and shreds the rest of the purple menace, then starts toward the trees. However, nobody had counted on the five kids with funny rings nearby. Suddenly, who should appear but.....Captain Planet!

"Don't you two know cutting down trees is wro..." the blue skinned freak begins. He then breaks out into a scream as the madly spinning Taz tears into his stomach. Paul, annoyed by the sound, splits the remainder of the screaming do-gooder in half, then turns on the punks that called him. That done, he notices that Taz has a head start on the trees, so he shoulders his axe and starts cutting. They continue neck-to-neck for two days before they run into those fairies from Fern Gulley. It's a rough fight, and by the time it's over, Taz is wounded and Paul's axe is broken. Paul then takes a hint from horror movies and Doom and gets a 30 ft chain saw. The wood starts flying then. Taz doesn't have a chance.

The conclusion, after 10 days, the casualties are: the entire Amazon rain forest and ten thousand do-gooders who got in the way of the maurading destroyers. The winner: Paul, for cutting the most trees and for getting in the first swipe on barney.

- Cory Davis

As a devout Looney Tunes fan, you have no idea how it grieves me to say this: Paul Bunyan wins. By a landslide.

Oh, sure, had this contest been held back when Taz was in his destructive prime, The Terror From Down Under would most certainly have had a fighting chance. But let's face it; Taz just isn't Taz anymore. Not since his castration by Fox prior to the filming of "Tazmania," the failed kids show in which he starred.

Oh, sure, Fox has tried to keep it quiet, but the more you watch the show, the more it becomes obvious that poor Taz had 'em snipped to make him more palatable to the parents of the young children who would be watching. Gone are the days when Taz would send hordes of terrified woodland animals scurrying before him trying desperately to escape his wrath. Now he takes pratfalls for a variety of dull, wimpy critters. Is there any doubt that if Taz had a FRACTION of the testosterone that was coursing through his body in the early days that those obnoxious Platypus Brothers would have been reduced to piles of steaming entrails by the second episode?

Oh, sure, they give him the occasional testosterone shot to get the proper snarls for still pictures and cameos on other WB cartoons, but let's fact it; in an extended contest with the likes of Bunyan, Taz is screwed. He'll most likely be captured by natives and forced to sit through a variety of humiliating rituals while his father gives some painfully boring monologue on Tazmanian Orange Juice, while Paul reduces the rain forest to kindling unopposed.

The poor beast needs to be put out of his misery. I'd rather remember him in his glory days chasing Bugs Bunny all over creation than see him reduced to this.

Mournfully yours,

- Pete B.

They start! Taz does his best on the first day taking out 14,735 trees, 18 lemurs, countless snakes, and 3 small, unsuspecting Brazillian children. Not a bad haul. But big ol' Paul clears out a whopping 21,359 trees just before noon! Paul is soon famished and tries to find something to eat. He sheds a tear the size of a watermelon, though, when he realizes he left his pancake batter back up north. Timeto improvise. "I could sure go for some pretzels!," bellows Paul in a mighty voice that shook the Earth. So after donning his red pumps and best Sunday dress, Paul heads for the local tavern. Following a couple baththubs full of cerveza and some flirting with Juan Valdez (vacationing from Columbia and stealing some more coffee plants), Paul decides to head back to catch some shut-eye in the hotel (parking lot). The next morning Paul wakes up in a pool (no, really, he filled the swimming pool) of his own vomit hung over as Ted Kenndy on vacation. He picks up his head and looks at the scoreboard. !!! Taz has been busy all night, with 36,894 trees down. "Ton sarn it!," screams big Paul as he scrambles to his feet, crushing innocent civilians (one kid got lucky and only lost his left leg when Mr. Bunyon's garter broke). Paul stumbles off into the forest violently swinging his axe until he trips on a wire fence surrounding the ACME Mail Order Microbrewery. Well that does it, Paul's not leaving. The chuckling Taz wins 36,894 to 24,892 trees without lifting another finger.

- Kris Thole

The figures quoted in JLS are clearly for an optimum swing of Paul's ax. They probably assume a well-rested Paul, and a well-sharpened blade, as all good lumberjack studies should.

The dulling effects of millions of whacks will wear on Paul and his weapon. As the blade gets duller, his production will drop to about 15 tps. He will overcompensate, swinging harder and exhausting himelf, as the curve drops his production to a scant 1.3 tps.

Needing to rest and sharpen his blade, Paul loses valuable time to Taz, who eats forever (forgetting to stop when the contest is over until he sees Lady Taz(tm)). Taz chows on to victory.

Taz also eats the prize money.

- Josh Kaplan, University of Michigan

Has everyone lost their minds??? We're talking about the man who "formed the GRAND CANYON with his AXE". If the Grand Canyon is 1 mile wide and Bunyan is as tall as the tale says (a whopping 4 MILES in height!), then we have to consider Bunyan's overall mass/weight/size ratio as well as the size of his axe (simple math brings his axe easily to approximately .75 - .80 miles in width). The man can easily clear out the rainforest in no time.

- Mike Davidson

The sweltering heat that Steve mentioned will not be a factor because Paul will strip off his sweaty flannel shirt and work pants until he's clad only in his Maidenform[tm] 83-DD cup bra and panties with a chorus of mounties behind him lustily singing "He's a lumberjack and he's OK." Paul Bunyan-no longer a secret transvestite-begins to hack away at the Jungle with reckless abandon. His sweat, no longer being absorbed by his giant flannel (which, by the way, is now covering Rio and putting quite a damper on Carnival) floods the Amazon[tm] and wipes out even more trees for Paul.

In the meantime, Taz is too busy being protected by Greenpeace[tm] activists (he is, after all, the last of his kind) who want to turn the forest around him into protected national park. He's too busy chewing through granola chomping, Birkenstok wearing, greenies to take down any trees. Any activists trying to stop Paul end up a strange red goo in between the treads on his high-heeled boots, with his Mountie choir backing him all the way. After he's Taken out the entire Rainforest Paul heads back to Seattle to buy enough Ox Chow[tm] to last until Doomsday and Drinks Heineken at Fraiser's Apartment until he pukes enough to render the entire Pacific Northwest uninhabitable for the next 100,000 years.

- Blok

1) Paul's a certified legend, while Taz is just a cartoon character. And we all know that even if Paul doesn't really win the competition, then he will when they start retelling the story afterward. That's what happens when yer a legend.

2) Gotta disagree with the "eating" issue. Taz can't eat on the fly. As has been demonstrated repeatedly, Taz has to stop, hunt his prey, (and as evidenced in countless encounters with Bugs Bunny, he's not >that< skillful of a hunter) and then, once he catches it, he has to cook it up really fancy, in a big pot of water, or turning on a spit. Heck, he's even a gourmet, getting out the chef's hat and everything. So, even if Paul has to lead babe to an empty pasture, he'll still be making better time than Taz any day.

- Pieter Foster

The Choice is obvious: Paul Bunyan. First and foremost, he is an exteremely large man. To quote Jack Palance "I crap bigger'n you." Paul would simply laugh at the little spinning furball and feed him to Babe.

- Josh Levy, University of Pennsylvania

For all your research you missed one crucial point. That is that for all the trees that Taz buzzed through in all the Bugs Bunny and Taz-Mania cartoons that I've seen the trees don't actually fall, the top part of the tree lands and stays standing on the stump. No contest, Paul wins.

- Justin"Kingfish"Finnegan

Ok, Paul has got one great factor on his side.....He's fighting for good 'ole U.S. pride(tm). That's right, Mom, Apple Pie, and Baseball. Not to mention a cruddy track record of mistreating South Americans. When has any Austrailian (or Tazmanian) oppressed an entire hemisphere before??? No, I'm afraid Paul has the history and the genetic makeup to make this a shoowin.

- El Squid, Lawrence University

Let's compare something here. What is the energy required to chop through a tree? Now, what is the energy required to bore your ENTIRE FRIGGIN BODY through a tree? Paul Bunyan = tree-chopping dynamo. Taz = worn out drill bit.

- Agent-13 at Lawrence University

What you have failed to consider is that while the Taz is a purely solo effort, Paul isn't feeding Babe for nothing. This is the World's largest Blue Ox. All Paul will have to do is yoke Babe, attach the ACME (tm) tree whacking machine and Babe can wander through the trees blades a-flailing. And, while Babe now a mechanized terror plows up trees our most esteemed Mr. Bunyan can pratically sit back and hack away at a leisurely pace while he acclimates to the jungle (or what's left of it).

- Greg

Paul will win. Why? Number 1, it's what he does and let's face it, if he doesn't show himself to be a totally dedicated legend, he will be replaced by God knows who! So, the fear of replacement is a very strong motivator. B, let's not forget what's left over when these trees are falling by the wayside: sawdust and wood chips. Paul, with his incredible height advantage, will be far above the sawdust and wood chips flying everywhere. Taz (much as I love and respect his work; he was my first choice to play Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs) will be down in the thicket of it (boo! ed.) sucking in all that detritus. We're talking cotton-mouth city in a matter of minutes! Even with the Rage (tm) on his side, the body can only take so much abuse. Third, remember that we are talking about the total number of trees. Taz has a hard enough time trying to be logical about anything, but imagine what happens when he tries to lay out a plan of attack to efficiently down the greatest number of trees? Paul will win and then stomp down out of the mountains, crushing the tree activists as he goes (he will leave a couple for Taz to devour; after all, he is a good sport, being a legend, and Taz WILL be a sore loser).

- Greg

The sun rises over the Brazilian Rain Forest. Paul prepared to swing his mighty axe. Taz, realizing that he can never defeat the oversized-man-in-plaid through sheer volume knows that he must fight dirty. As Bunyan begins to fall trees Taz attacks his shoes, reducing the Whole Cow Nikes(TM) to Millions Of Shreeded Leather Ribbons (TM). Bunyan, being a good Lutheran, refuses to cheat. Thus the Whirling Devil O'Destruction(R) slowly works his way up Bunyan, destroying his wardrobe. Bunyan, now pantless is overcome with shame and modesty. Years of Cruel Taunting(R) & Jolly Green Giant Jokes(TM) at the hands of small boys come washing over him. Taz then attacks the Monsterous Wooden Axe Handle. When Paul awakens from his flashback, he finds that his great axe and Personal Icon(R) has been reduced to a large blade. Bunyan desparatly tries to use the blade as a scraper to remove the trees (after first fasioning a giant loincloth from Designer Fig Leaves(TM ADAM & EVE CO.) Unfortuanetly, by this time, the Tazmanian Devil will have carved a wide swath of jungle, leaving Paul in the dust.

- Aaron Petry, Ohio State University

Taz should win for one simple fact; although the compitition is being held in Brazil, it's too close to spring break here in the U.S. This would then of course free up millions of used car driving teenagers with little Taz dolls in their windows to come down and help thwart Paul. With the combined force of 2000 17 year olds blaring heavy metal, and almost supersonic bass-rap Paul will not stand a chance.

- ChiknmanEd

The fact that Taz is a cartoon character is DEFINITELY a minus. Paul is flesh and blood. Now, while Paul might slow down by the 7th or 8th day because he misses his Ox in a bad way (you ever heard of MRS Bunyan? huh?) he still is a real person.

And since I'm sure Warner Bros. are using non-toxic inks for their animation cels, we couldn't depend on Taz's use of chemicals to destroy the trees. Also, Taz has a habit of spinning in an uncontrolled path. He may hit the same tree multiple times, seriously reducing his tps. Eventually, some of these trees will become nothing more than jungle mulch, possibly feeding new trees and causing growth, which was NOT the point of the match. If 1 tree grows for every 10 cut down, he should lose points.

And since Babe, the OX, will NOT be with Paul (quarantine for incoming pets in South America is 2 weeks I believe) he can rely on not having massive amounts of fertilizer nourishing his trees. Therefore what he cuts down, stays down.

ALSO! Since TAZ is Made in the USA, we see him spin and all. But south of the equator, he would spin in the opposite direction! This sudden change could cause problems for his equilibrium. And lastly, his small size makes him more of a target for poison arrow frogs. While their pittance of poison would at most give our boy Paul a small rash, it could be fatal to Taz, especially since I get the feeling his metabolism is extremely high.

- k-rad (Durin)

The obvious winner in the Taz versus Paul Bunyan tree-felling contest has got to be the Tasmanian Devil. Those activists would simply provide too much a hindrance to the well moraled Paul Bunyan, who would not send his axe cleaving through people. Not being able to cut below the people, his cuts would not count as having completely felled the tree. Taz, on the other hand, has no such scruples. The activists, chained to the trees by their own choice, would not be able to send Taz off on some distraction. He would, therefore, simply claw his way through the poor saps, making him the winner.

- mrl

We have a giant man in need of fermented beverage. All college students know how this need causes you to do many outrageous and often unimaganiable things. Imagine, if you will, a giant man. Not andre the giant size, but a real live damn tall guy, in need of beer. And none of that sissy samuel adams brew will do, he needs a mans beer, because as we all know, lumber jacks are manly men (with the exception of your monty python (tm) lumberjack). The deforrestiation quotent will increase exponentially.

- TxWarEagl, Houston, TX

p.s. After paul celebrates his victory, what will happen when Mr. Bunyon has a high level alarm on his bladder? I predict that the resulting warm liquid transferred to the oceans will cause the polar ice caps to melt at a rate much greater than they already are now (see any liberal).

Taz and Paul both start chopping down trees with Taz taking the lead, but he doesn't pay attention to where he's going, and Babe sits on him, keeping him incapacitated and thus letting Paul take an insurrmountable lead. If he gets bored, he has Babe get up and starts using Taz as a hackey sack. Plus, Paul has all his "tall tale" buddies to help him, like Pecos Bill and the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

- S. Lepper

We gotta go with Paul. The problem is that since the existence of the devil depends upon a belief in a spiritual realm, Taz will be declared politically incorrect and disqualified from the match by Conventional Wisdom (tm NEWSWEEK)

- THH

Subject: Partial Pressure and Paul Bunyan

Like so many of life's little struggles, this one comes down to determination and a healthy supply of oxygen. Everyone except Rush Limbaugh knows that forests make oxygen. As the rain forests come thundering down at a total rate of up to 50 tps, the air is obviously going to get thinner and thinner. Since Paul Bunyan has been 30 feet tall all his life, he's used to thin air... and if the going gets tough he can always cut trees on his hands and knees. (Betcha he can still get 10 tps even while crawling.) Meanwhile, Taz will be gasping for breath after the first two days. Especially considering his incredible metabolic rate.

If this argument isn't enough to convince you, consider that, in a straight fight, Paul could crush Taz with one well-placed stomp. Now if you had Paul versus his *weight* in Tazmanian Devils...

- Mike Booth

My money's on Paul this time, as an experienced lumberjack, he has learned to pace himself and work steadily. Taz, while having the advantage of eating on the run, looses a lot of time due to stopping and panting(tm). Factor in the lure of a 15,000 gal keg(tm) at the end for Paul, and Taz doesn't stand a chance. It's just as well, hazenfeffuh tastes like bubble-gum-and-dynamite-chicken(tm) anyway.

- Kirk

Paul is one of America's greatest heros, and it is not possible for him to lose. Taz on the other hand has never known what it is like to win, and therefore has a low self-esteem. So while Paul is out there working for a living, you will find Taz sitting in a plush shrink's office on the 23rd floor, complaining about his mother.

- Sarah

It all comes down to who's in the best shape. Paul Bunyan is significantly older than Taz, and has been in retirement since some time in the 19th century. Taz, on the other hand, is much younger, and keeps himself in shape (he has a regular job doing his series "Taz-Mania"). Expect Taz to be running rings around Paul Bunyan (literally!) growling incomprehensibly and spraying saliva all over the slow-moving ex-lumberjack.

- Arthur Levesque,

It's simple. Paul can't afford Babe's Blue Oxen Chow(tm), right? So obviously, he uses his last $3.00 on some Oxen's Eye Barbeque Sauce(tm), which he promptly slathers on his once faithful friend once Taz gets within eyeshot. Paul slaps his mighty hand on Babe's mighty thigh, making him run like hell with Taz in close pursuit. While Taz is distracted, mighty Paul Bunyon, with aid from that steel-drivin' man John Henry, destroys the environment single-handedly, gets the prize money, and spends it all on cheap booze and special folk legend centerfold editions of Penthouse(tm) magazine. Slam dunk, game over, yakketty shmakketty.

- PBontekoe

I've got to favor Taz for the insanity factor alone. This creature is simply deranged and thus needs no motivation to devour the entire city of Chicago let alone a few thousand trees. P. Bunyan is a giant but a human and the odds tell us that, as a human, he will probably call in sick and need workman's comp and miss several days of tree felling. The bad part of this contest is that Taz won't know when to quit and will have to be shot. This is why we need to legalize automatic weapons. I guess that will be the next piece of legislation.

- Jagrmeister

YESTERDAY IN THE HOT, HOT JUNGLE (AP): Mr. Paul Bunyon was brought
in by Brazilian police on charges of first degree homicide and reckless
use of an axe.  Officials reported that, on the last day of the
now-infamous 'Deforestation Festival,' Mr. Bunyan, chopped a Tazmanian
devil into two with his axe.

The devil, whose name is being withheld at this time, was apparently
beating Mr. Bunyan in a tree-chopping contest.  Officials report that
Bunyan, angered over the devil's 5-million tree lead, spotted the
devil a few hundred miles west of Rio de Janero and cleaved the Tazmanian
in two with his axe.

"It was a mistake," said Mr. Bunyan. "I was in the middle of turning
several acres of old growth into sporks when the poor guy charged into
the tree I was working on.  He chopped through the tree easy enough, but
the axe in the tree proved a bit of a problem."

Officials noted that the Tazmanian was chopped into 132 bite-sized pieces
and found in the stomach of Mr. Bunyan's ox.  "Although we're not ruling
out accidental death, I think we'll have to hold Mr. Bunyan for
questioning," commented a Mr. S. Gonzalez of the Brazilian National
Police.

In a related story, the price of bottled oxygen again trippled today as
chronic shortages of the gas spread north...

--Rosencrantz

My vote is for the Tazmanian Devil for several reasons:

1) Tazmanian devils are endangered species (a definite underprivelaged ethnic minority), therefore it is ok for Taz to destroy the rainforest because he is not a white male like Paul Bunyan.

2) Taz's spinning and ferocity (as well as his bad breath) will drive away all the protesters, therefore making his destruction free of hinderance.

3) Paul bunyan may make the mistake of dragging his axe again forming another Grand Canyon which will be instantly declared a national park and therefore he will waste time trekking on to another part of the rainforest to continue logging.

- Superdave The Wonderchemist

1. Paul is on a losing streak. He lost to some wimp with a machine by a 1/4 inch. Paul loses to now near ancient technology while Taz can't be stopped by anything.

2. Merchandising! When's the last time you saw a Paul Bunyan T-Shirt? The Hanes people will obviously be trying to bribe Babe to protect their star's image. Not that it will be necessary.

next up for the champ, Challenger Freddy Krueger

- dhines, Point Loma Nazarene College

Even though Mr. Bunyon is not noted for his intellectual prowess, he could easily OUTWIT Taz without undue strain. The Ox Babe is probably smarter than Mr. Bunyon and would therefore undermine the fairness of the contest. If we were to provide Taz with a sidekick of his own, say Jerry the mouse or William F. Buckley, only THEN would we see a fair match. Also in this vein, if we were to require Mr. Bunyon to gnaw through the trees as Taz has to, I believe the outcome would be different.

- Kip Amore

Since Bunyan is not used to the tropical climate, he is also not used to tropical diseases. In the first couple of days, the mosquitoes will eat him alive. Even if he can even chop trees with zillions of mosquito bites all over his body, he will most likely contract malaria or typhiod, or some other disease that will surely put him out of commission. Taz, being used to this sort of climate, shouldn't have any problems with this.

- Heather Corn

This battle is obviously one-sided. The Tazmanian Devil is a gifted amateur in the tree-felling industry, but Paul Bunyan grew up a deforestation professional, he held his first axe-rattle at age 2.

Sure, the Tazmanian Devil has the RAGE(tm) but he's got his own TV show now. As secondary cartoon characters age and get their own shows, they're emasculated by the animators. Look at Woody Woodpecker--as a feature cartoon he NEVER lost. He gets his own show, BAM, he gets fooled by Wally Walrus, and sometimes LOSES. Taz has his own show, he has a family, and is also portrayed as an adolescent.

Finally, the natives cannot be discounted. Taz cannot communicate all that effectively. Paul Bunyan can speak, albeit very loudly. I'm certain that the natives would share their forest destroying secrets with him, since they are proving more adept in this area than any other agency.

- Chris

Even though I'm Australian, I voted for Paul because his story was on the "Fat Albert" show one time. Bill Cosby told Albert's posse the story when their TV broke and they couldn't watch "The Brown Hornet". Bunyan must be one mean mutha because learning about him made even hardcore players like Albert, Mushmouth and that hophead kid with the pink hat go to the library and explore the world of Arts and Letters. And anyway the Brown Hornet could kick Tas' ass.

- Robin "Na, na, na, gonna have a good time" Shortt

In the early going, Taz, with his haphazzard buzzing through trees, goes right through one of Paul's ankles. Paul is unable to continue. Taz, not even noticing Paul's down, easily clears hundreds of thousands of acres of rain forest before being called home by his wife.

- Craig Hunt, University of Iowa

In his own words:

"ACK PTLTH BLEK RRARRR TAZ HATE WATER!"

Now look at the battleground. The Amazon *Rain* Forest. Wet, rivers everywhere. Rivers filled with bloodthirty pirhana, a fish that Taz has previously had bad experiences with. Schools of them, waiting for a Tasmanian Devil hors d'oeuvre.

Taz is definetly out of his element. He might mow down a forest in record time, but it'll take him at least three hours to cross every stream full of carniverous fish waiting for him to slip and fall. Or at least the length of one sketch on his show, whichever come first. Meanwhile Axe Boy merely strides across these little streams.

- Keith Morrison

In modern society, who wants a hero that chops down trees for a living, is only described in a book, and who's best friend is a stupid blue ox? Not only will Green Peace (tm) have a major fit about it (unless he's with a legal logging company), the zoos will be all over Paul to take his ox away from him as a major attraction. While they are distracting him (they would never TAKE Babe away from him, not with that ax), Taz will run wild throughout the jungle, chomping down trees to an easy victory.

- Jon Marsh

Paul wins hands down. First, in his cartoons, we never see a tree fall. The Taz goes through a lot of trees but no trees ever actually fall. Technically this is not deforestation but detrunkation, see study in Journal of Irreproducible Results 12:36-8, 1993 (This is an actual journal, its most famous work "Death is 100% Fatal") Second, with the exception of Bugs, there are no rabbits in South America (they have something called a Patagonian hare, looks like a midget antelope with the face of a guinea pig, see Darwin On the Origin of Species). Everyone knows that making Hossenfeffer with Patagonian hare is like making chicken cordon bleu with the other white meat (tm), therefore Taz' rage (tm) is no more. Finally, Paul is Lutheran, Taz a heathen.

- KJackson, Jacksonville University

You're quoting REAL sources? What, are you, some kind of professor or something? -B

After a while, Taz will get tired of eating the three trillion species of bugs and varmints in the rainforest, and start looking for something a little more delectable, like... a big, blue ox! So the next time Paul isn't looking, Taz zooms between his legs, all over Big Blue, and leaves a cow skeleton the size of a mountain. Paul, stricken by grief falls behind and loses to the appetite known as "Taz."

- Matthew Davidson

This is quite an easy choice. You've both forgotten about Paul's secret weapon. The morning of the contest he will drink his regular boatload of beer. The mighty, resounding belch will knock down hundreds of acres of trees and flatten the helpless Taz. Taz will KNOW that this is a trick from that damn rabbit, and off he will go, looking for his enemy. Bunyon scores 38.4 million trees, Taz 300 (he knocked down a few while leaving Brazil.)

- Lord Axe, University of Wisconsin

Everything is set for this incredible match up. Most of the Timber producers of the world have taken a world wide holidy for this event. Much bigger than Wrestlemania.

The competitors line up at the starting line. Paul glares down at the small brown fur-bearing creature. He is suprised that this little animal is not intimidated as most people who challenge him are. Dick Gephardt in a suprising bit of sportsmanship raises up the starters pistol. The crow becomes silent. CRACK and the competitors are off running for the forest. Paul comes in swinging. The noise becomes deafening as trees fall all over the place. The two are evenly matched and both look worried...

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later that night.

The evening news that night all over the world is reporting that Greenpeace, in a deliberate terrorist act broke into Strategic Air Command's (SAC) command base at Crystal Mountain. Gained control of the launch codes for one ICBM and reduced the competition area to a crater the size of Russia. Unfortunately, Greenpeace didn't know the yeild of such a weapon and ended up destroying the Amazon rainforest anyway along with all the people, animals, Paul, Taz, Dick Gephardt (no loss), and every living thing in the area. Greenpeace also didn't take into account the backlash against the United States for launching an ICBM. The effect is that this news broadcast is seen on only five television sets. The Earth lay in ruins, and its survivors in scattered pockets of civilization try to rebuild.

Happy Earth Day!!!:-)

- Jonathan H. Wyse, Michigan Technological University

Taz, who almost never is spinning on a consistant basis, will undoubtedly vomit somewhere around the first hour. This would be similar to an airplane dropping it's fuel. This will take a lot of gumption out of the little devil causing major gaps as Paul pulls ahead. So slow and steady wins the race as an anemic Taz wil be, time wise anyway, about two days behind at the finish. God be with the spectators as Taz turns into a Tazmanian blender without a cap.

- Craig Price

This contest harkens back to the classic question, who could beat who in a fight, Superman(tm) or Mighty Mouse(tm). Of course the answer is Superman(tm) becasue he is a "real" person. Paul Bunyon is a "real" person as much as Superman, therefore, he cannot lose to a mere cartoon! Bunyon for Veep in '96!

- Scott

My friends, despite your wise analysis, both of you missed the true point. It's not so much a question of who can cut faster as it is a question of who will cut _longer_.

If it were only physical, then Bunyan would still have the advantage. After all, someone that large must have a _lot_ of stamina. However, the primary attribute to consider here is discipline. After all, ten days of cutting is a lot of hard work, and it takes a lot of willpower to see it through.

Taz? Discipline? Truly an absurd combination. Unless motivated by THE RAGE(TM 1994 WWWF, patent pending), Taz can't keep going for that long. Sooner or later (and I'll wager 100 Kronkites it's sooner), our favorite long-haired whirlwind will be distracted by something else, leaving him to cut, at best, 3 tps. Granting him 40 tps when actively cutting, and assuming he can keep on task 35% of the time ( a gross overestimate), that still leaves him under Bunyan--_if_ Bunyan can keep going for ten days at 100%.

Bunyan, though, is a Minnesotan lumberjack. He's got two things going for him: The heritage and the career. Minnesotans are a determined bunch. Anyone who can live through the kind of weather we get can surely go for ten days without stopping. (And before someone brings up the detail of climate differences, let me assure you, Minnesota summers can be _sweltering_). And since Bunyan is a lumberjack, he will take to this assignment like a duck to water. He loves his job so much, he won't even consider stopping until at least four or five days have passed--at which point Minnesotan Discipline kicks in.

My opinion: Bunyan finishes as many trees in four days as Taz will get in Ten.

BTW, where did you get the transcript of the press conference? I don't recall hearing about it, but it sounds far too much like Gephardt to have been made up....

- Matthew L. Martin, University Center Rochester

Taz wins, but the outcome would be decided within the first two days. The Tasmanian Devil would fly into his characteristic rage, cutting down trees at, I would say, up to a record setting 40 tps due to the incredibly dense nature of rainforests and the amount of nutritious endangered species to be found along the way. To Taz, it would be like eating Power Bars all day long. He would, however, tire after a few days of work- no one could go on at that rate forever. For the remaining week or so, his tps would decrease exponentially, ending at about 1 tps.

Paul Bunyan would behave similarly- great start, then a slowdown. Flannel and denim just aren't suitable gear for the rainforest. Also, not only would Paul Bunyan have to eat, but can you imagine the difficulty associated with finding flapjacks in the Amazon Basin? Bunyan would have to travel to Rio at least to find an IHOP, and by then the contest would be lost. In the end, it wouldn't be the forestry skill that would decide the contest, but the adaptability of the loggers' diets.

- Brian Miller

Another important point is the corporate sponsorship. Who owns Bunyan? Disney. Sweet, lovable, cute, pukey, nice, anti-logging Disney. Who owns Taz? Them scrappin' lads The Warner Bros. Thus, Taz is an official Warner Bros. Villain (tm) and can call upon the aide of Elmer Fudd, The Abominable Snowman, and, perhaps most importantly, Marvin the Martian. Marvin would, of course, completely OBLITERATE THE FRIKKIN' CONTINENT OF SOUTH AMERICA with his space modulator. Taz wins.

- Fred The Gesticulating Buffoon

I am going to have to pull all punches here. The odds that Bunyon will win this competition are slimmer than the likelyhood that there exists photos of Ghandi eating a steak.

One great piece of evidence was brought out that should be elaborated on, that being: Bunyon is a Lutheran by law. True, therefore it follows that wherever there exists a Lutheran, you are sure to find six or seven Calvanists eager to debate the realities of Pre-destination. Being a true Lutheran, Bunyon will be unable to hold back his desire to engage in such a debate. The amount of trees felled by his axe will be considerable less than the amount of Calvanists felled.

I conclude that Taz will indeed win this competition. I feel so strongly about his ability that I am going to go out an buy myself some oxygen tanks. Never overestimate the ferocity of animation. Taz will do whatever it takes to win, including foul-play. Don't be surprised to see Taz replace Bunyons Axe with an ACME exploding-tip axe. As far as stopping for nourishment goes, Taz will more than likely eat the Ox en route.

- n9540973

The solution is simple: Bunyan calls a brief halt to the contest and gets Taz drunk. If necessary, he may get drunk himself as well. Taz's speed and spinnability will be all but eliminated. Already dizzy, after two or three rotations he will be on the ground in no time. Meanwhile, Paul is free to cut trees at his leisure. The worst that could happen in his drunk state is that perhaps he misses a tree or two, slices off a piece of the Empire State Building, or maybe accidently lets go of the axe and knocks the Mir space station out of orbit.

- King

First of all, Paul has Babe, the Huge Freaking Ox (tm). All a 100-foot ox has to do is breathe on a tree, and it's "timberrrrrr!" Secondly, we have to count in Paul's ace in the hole: Bugs Bunny. It's very likely Bugs will be hired by Bunyan to keep Taz occupied by blowing his stomach up with TNT, dressing up as a Tasmanian She-Devil, or something like that. If that occurs, I'm sure a portion of Paul's winnings will mysteriously appear in Bugs's Swiss Bank Accounts. Also, if you take the name "Bunyan", omit the "a" and move the "n", It spells "Bunny." It's a partnership made in Heaven.

Because Taz is a menace to Australia and the world, it is quite unlikely he will get a partner in his quest for the prize...unless he manages to break his good pal Theodore Kaczynski out of jail ("Package for a Mr. Paul Bunyan...").

- Jonathon Maness

Paul Bunyan clearly wins this one. Not only do his extremely long arms allow for a wide-berth of greenery anhilation, but he is tall enough to feast on spotted owls during the process.

- Robert P. Pongetti

We all know who will win this one folks, let's see who we got here, in this corner weighing in at 250 and straight from the land down under, the Tasmanian devil, and in this corner weighing in at 70,000,000 from who know's where, Paul Bunyan. And the winner and still champion..... Paul Bunyan

- SYBASE

You forget the most important factor in the competition: Taz's dad. That's right, his dad.

Why? you ask. Because, his dad is the most BORING person on God's green earth. Not only would he put Paul to sleep with his endless ramblings on orange juice, but all the Green Peace people, as well, giving Taz all the time he needs to chow trees, forest animals, blue oxen, activists, and whatever else.

But Taz--Taz has been living with this man his entire life. He's smart, and puts cotton in his ears, keeping himself from hearing the endless droning. He'd take the prize money in under five days, eating everything that might happen to get in his way. By the time Paul comes out of his coma, there is no rainforest left.

- Randall P. Wright

In voting for Taz I took into consideration something none of your commentators brought to the tabel. The air resistance created by Taz's spin. In watching cartoons you will notice that Taz spin is accompanied by a small whirlwind. But because he never spins for more than a few seconds at a time, this cyclone never leaves his immediate person. However, if he was to spin for say, 10 days at a time, his whirlwind would quickly cause a rotating of winds, causing a tornado. This would take down HUNDREDS of more trees per minute.

- SLOAbyss

The deranged, loose or otherwise insane always have an edge over the law abiding (no matter what their size or the companionship of enormous, oddly colored livestock). Mr Bunyan will try not to harm any innocents or tiny villages in his run for victory, whereas the Tasmanian Devil will spit, spin and savage all in his path. Even if you doesn't have fans like Hot Biscuit Slim & Cream Puff Fatty to cheer for him on the sidelines, the Devil is going to win.

- snappy

Taz may be the more ferocious, but he is also the dumber of the contestants. When in his "tornado" state he doesnt just blast through trees; rocks, buildings, and other assorted structures get demolished as well. I just don't think Taz could stay focused on an assigned task, even if the land scape is mostly vegetation.

- Scott

[Paul's] got style (see flannel shirt that started grunge trend), cool suspenders (BIG, and I mean BIG pants), and most important of all...a huge axe.

Taz is just a trendy, flash-in-the pan cartoon. Besides, the devil is too erratic in his ravaging...he wouldn't be able to organize his approach. He needs to be in a rage, and we all know how clear you think when raging through lumber...

- National

All we have to do is look at the advertising campaign Warner Bros. set up around the Tazmanian Devil: stuffed animals, t-shirts, video games, drinking cups, etc. Very profitable has Taz been for them... He has a certain panache that fills our love for the aggressive and violent, something which has been reflected in the changing logos of our professionnal sports teams (the Toronto RAPTORS, the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Florida PANTHERS, etc.).

As for Mr. Bunyon, Disney demonstrated that his commercial potential is virtually zero when they produced their "TALL TALES" movie in which Mr. Bunyon starred. Not even his blue ox was able to pull him out and make his showing better.

Therefore, since I am North American, I am a slave to advertising and what I do not see in mass quantities is not bloody worth my time.

Hail Taz!

- Michael Lacroix

Bbbbbblllaaahh, bla bla blaaa blaaab blwwwaabbb! Thhhbbppp bla bla bla bla bla!!

- Kurt Armbruster

Paul' Bun'yan, n. a legendary giant lumberjack of the American frontier.

Tasma'nian dev'il, n. a small, massive-headed, predacious Tasmanian marsupial, Sarcophilus harrisii.

Webster couldn't have said it any better(especially with a mouth). Look at the number of words used to describe the Tasmanian Devil:four whole adjectives (five if you count Tasmanian, which I do). Mr. Bunyan is summed up in two words: [legendary and giant].

- Luke & Andrea McAllister

It's blatantly obvious that Taz is outmatched here. For one thing, there isn't a tree in any forest that Mighty Paul couldn't topple in one fell swoop. However, Taz, in his whirling dervish, would need to revisit many of the trees more than once in order to topple them. Here's what I mean. In all of the world's old-growth forests, trunk diameter gets to be pretty impressive. I'm not talking the two or three foot wide tree trunks that we see in Middle America. I'm talking 6, 8, or 10 feet or more. Taz, with his relatively miniscule size, would never be able to take these down with the ease that we see in run-of-the-mill Looney Tune adventures. Sure, in one pass he may be able to take away a good portion of the bark, or even make an unsightly hole right through the center of a large tree, but let's face it, he just couldn't do enough damage to take the entire tree down. Paul, on the other hand, hasn't met a tree that could stand up to a swipe of the axe. Case closed. Taz would just be too tired retracing his tracks to keep up any kind of adequate pace. Winner: Paul Bunyan in a landslide.

- Panzera

Ok, Ok, I'm sure I'm not going to be the only one to point this out, but Taz doesn't really fell-a-tree (tm) but he actually just carves a trapezoidal void in them. The trees can actually survive and flourish following such an event.

-tmogi

The beloved parents of this little devil are somewhat intelligent. For their son Tazmania, however, the gene pool and intelligence chromosomes have fallen way short, and it is this lack of mental ability that will do Taz in. Tazmania does not have the intelligence to recognize a tree let alone cut one in two. According to some scholars, Tazmania has only knocked down trees when he is given to rampant behavior and has accidently, during these tantrums, "run into" a tree or two. Taz is too easily sidetracked. If a pretty butterfly, pesky squirrel, or slow moving inchworm cross his path, Taz will become disoriented and lose a dramatic amount of attention span. During these sad little phases, Mr. Bunyan will capitalize and take the lead......forever keeping the lead. Mr. Bunyan, who has been noted for playing hard and never afraid to "bend" the rules, will most likely present Taz with a permament distraction......a female Taz. It should be no problem for Mr. B to aquire a female version of the devil, and once presented to Taz (as a gift of course)then you might as well tell the fat lady to shut the @$#% up because the it's over! I wish Taz could use this bit of trickey but lets face it - where are you gonna' find a woman the size of Mr. Bunyan?

- The Unicorn

Taz will win this one. The true factor here is not The Rage(TM), but The Media(TM). No sooner has the contest been announced when those persistant newshounds will come racing in to get an Exclusive Interview(TM) with the contestents. Paul, with his moderate verbal skills, will be bogged down for days answering media questions and doing that Talk Show Thang(TM). Taz, on the other hand, will be of little interest to the media ("Mugga Ugga! Um Grabet Wratta! Yabb Nub THPPPT!"), and will be able with merrily fell trees and Wreak Havoc(TM). With a several day head start, he will be able to overcome Paul's superior speed and win the contest.

- Mike Jackon

First of all, let me just say that Taz has not only the will power to win, but he also has the sheer razor-slicing power to totally annhialate Paul Bunyon. Also Paul Bunyon has no chance of winning because he is a ficticous character, made up to frighten little children into believing that all donkeys are not only safe, but are loveable and fun to be with, which everyone knows is false.

- Sloopy Sam, "Delta Fucking Chi Fraternity"

While it is true, the Tasmanian Devil will be able to take down many trees and can eat "on the fly," you seem to forget about Babe the Blue Ox. Obviously Paul is going to stop and eat his pancakes or whatever, but it is important to remember that Babe is herbivorous, he'll eat the trees as his dinner. Munching his way across the forest while Paul eats. Once Paul returns, then Babe can either continue or stop, but Paul will, through the size of his team, most likely win the competition.

Now let us try the math using the figures previously stipulated: All these figures include no rest periods for simplicity's sake. It can be generally assumed that they'll take about the same amount of time to rest and eat.

Tasmanian Devil: he could chop down approximately 10 tps -- let us remember that Taz is an animal and must rest occasionally. His average time will then become 10 tps, or 8,640,000 trees in 10 days (10 x 60 x 60 x 24 x 10).

Paul: he could chop down in one swing around 30 trees, however, each swing takes around three and a half seconds to accomplish, giving Paul 8.6 tps, or 7,430,400 trees in 10 days.

Babe: can eat for days and probably still not get full. Let us assume that he can eat around 50 trees in 30 seconds, or 1.7 tps. This is food in itself, so Babe will only need to rest. This allows Babe to add an additional 1,468,800 trees to his team, for a total Paul tree count of 8,899,200 trees.

Therefore, the only possible outcome is that Paul will win the competition thanks to the assistance of his ox.

- R. Brian Clardy

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Tarzan v. Aquaman
Daffy v. Donald
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