It's a beautiful, sunny, happy day in the "Happiest Place on Earth ". Inside a specially constructed tent, the CEO of Disney addresses the amassed members of the media at a press conference.
"Thank you all for coming. Let me get right down to business. As you all know, we have been busy casting for our next animated movie series. We have been scouring the ranks of classic cartoons for our next group of stars and we have come down to our two finalists. Let me introduce them to you all. On my left, the Masters of the Universe: He-Man, Battle Cat, Man-At-Arms, Teela, Orko, the Sorceress and Ram Man. And on my right, the Thundercats: Lion-O, Tygra, Panthro, Cheetara, Wily Kit, Wily Kat and last but not least Snarf. We will choose one of these two groups to be featured in the next great Disney animated feature and, of course, the associated toys, stuffed animals, video games, McDonald's Happy Meals trinkets and fire-retardant pajamas. I will now take any questions. Yes, you."
"Is this movement back to the cartoons of the eighties in response to the inability to come up with a decent plot after the "Jack the Ripper: a Love Story" feature flopped?"
"No comment. Next question."
"This question is for He-Man. Mr. Man, what do you think your chances are?"
"Well, I think our chances are good. We would save millions on kitty litter and air fresheners. Ha Ha!"
Lion-O expression turns to youthful anger. "Are you questioning our honor, muscle freak?!", shouts Lion-O.
"Do you want to make something of it, pussy boy?!"
"That does it! There is no way we are going back to the Cartoon Network! You will be destroyed. Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, HO!"
"Then the winner will be decided in battle! By the Power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!"
"Please, people! Control yourse..." The CEO is instantly dismembered before he can finish his sentence as the combatants come together to decide the winner by blood.
So which one of the classic cartoons can crush the competition in this commercialized clash? And will any of the media survive to report the wonderful world of whoop-ass?
PAUL: So you want a rematch, Jeff? Well, I am sorry to say that your attempt at payback for your prior humiliating defeat will be a waste of energy. There are seven mouse-eared caskets with your guys' names on it.
First off, five out of the seven members of the Master of the Universe are humans. OK, they are mainly *Eternians* but they look like humans, mate with humans, are marketed to humans and are for all practical purposes are humans. Then you have a talking tiger and some sort of ghost weirdo to round out the bunch. Not bad. But the Thundercats are cats. You know, the dominant predators on this planet. Fast, quick and deadly. The creatures that turn a zebra into a dinner for ten. The creatures that have more destructive ability than a five-year-old in your living room. The animal that can survive falling out of a twentieth floor window. And these are bipedal cats with sentience and opposeable thumbs. So, they are fierce, quick, intelligent, potty trained and use weapons. The Thundercats are simply genetically superior.
Unfortunately for you, Jeff, there's more. Lion-O is not just a Thundercat - he is the living embodiment of the Libido. How else can you explain the Sword of Omens? You know what I mean. A sword that gets longer and thicker with each more passionate shout of "Thunder! Thunder! THUNDERCATS HO!" A sword with the Eye of Thundera that shoots out the Thundercat symbol when the sword reaches maximum extension. Are you kidding me. I don't care if this was a kids' show - that is the most obvious phallic symbol in history. And the "Ho" part was just a dead giveaway. It makes perfect sense considering the whole bunch run around half naked in tight fighting outfits complete with S&M accessories. Lion-O is not only the Lord of the Thundercats - he is Super-Libido. And just try and stop the forces of Mother Nature. You will lose.
The Masters of the Universe can't compete with that. Have you seen their action figures? Their muscles have muscles. That ain't natural folks. These people are taking enough steroids to open a pharmancy. To put it nicely, the family jewels aren't shining anymore. All the men will collapse like Yossarian from Catch-22 ("My Liver! My Liver!"), leaving Teela to face the onslaught alone. The Masters of the Universe die ugly.
JEFF: Cats? The predominant preditors on the planet? You really need to watch more Animal Planet. Haven't you noticed that all of the "big cats" you are hyping are on the endangered sspecies list? And who put them there? Humans!
Lets just take a look at your beloved Lion-O (*chuckle* *snort*). Recently biologists have been pretty red-faced when they have found that the "morning kills" which the lions were spotted gathered around were actually killed by hyenas or african wild dogs during the night. The lions were scavenging for food. And when lions do hunt, it is the females that do all of the hunting. About the only thing male lions kill are infant lion cubs. The reason Lion-O is having an orgasm, is because that is what male lions to best! But, really, it's hardly a primary weapon -- more likely piss the Masters off than do any actual harm.
As for the other cats (Panthr-O, Cheet-O, Kit Kat, and Calic-O) they are all solitary hunters, more likely to protect their territory from each other than worry about humans beating up one of their so-called team.
You say the Masters are on steroids? You betcha! And lots of them! While these fullbacks are probably going to suffer from heart disease in their old age, in their prime their only significant symptoms will be impotence, sterility, and a real, real, nasty temper. I usually shy away from the RAGE, but in this case, it is actually true. Lion-O's autoeroticism is sure to send these homophobic, testosterone-laden, sexually frustrated frat boys into a hysterical bloodlust like nothing else in this world. I can almost see the Masters rampaging into the effeminate faux felines, plunging their hot steel into their begging victims one by one with brutal, unrestrained ferocity -- teeth clenched, neck muscles bulging, eyes bloodshot with hatred. Meanwhile, Lion-O is distracted by what he thinks are infant lions, but he is mistaken and slaughtered by 120 insane Chihuahuas recently escaped from Tijuana. They didn't call him "the Cowardly Lion" for nothing.
PAUL: Jeff, after reading that I need to take a shower but I will dispose of you first. Yes, cats are on the endangered species list but that's only because they don't have guns. Sure, it's easy for some pompous artistocratic coward with an entourage of 200 armed men and servants to shoot a lion from a mile away with a high powered, laser scoped rifle so he can stick the cat's head on a wall to prove that he is a man. Take away his gun and our hunter becomes a Manwich. Anyway, the Thundercats have dealt with a similar hunter before in Safari Joe and defeated him even with his tech edge. So much for that theory.
And Safari Joe is only one in a long list of tough opponents the Thundercats have disposed of. High tech aliens, gigantic mutant spiders and warriors from beyond the grave have all fallen before them. They even killed Mumm-ra, the all-powerful, ever living incarnation of evil on Third Earth. That's right, they killed an immortal. That's impressive. Certainly, a lot more impressive that fighting Skeletor. What kind of complete moron employs a loser like Beastman, a creature of very questionable fighting abiltiy and no brains, to be a leader of his army. And according to my sources, the reason why Skeletor has a skull for a head is because he screwed up when fooling around with magic. What a loser. And what kind of loser gets taken off the air for She-Ra: Princess of Power? He-Man, that's who.
The Thundercats will prove to be the next great Disney sensation. As for the Masters of Universe, they will be keeping Walt company down in the freezer in Officially Licensed Disney Toon Tombs (collect them all!).
JEFF: Paul, I know Beastman, I've worked with Beastman, and Paul, Safari Joe is no Beastman! And while I'm on the subject of opponents, how can the "ever living" Mumm-ra be called an immortal if he was killed? He may pretend to be immortal, but immortals can't die, so, therefore, he is not immortal. He lacks the most important characteristic of being immortal -- that of not being able to be killed. It is just the sort of typical exagerration you would expect from the Thundercats. "Yeah we killed the...uhhh... ever living incarnation of evil, Mummy-,uh, Mumm-ra, yeah, that's the ticket. And he was immortal too, yeah, immortal, that's just how it happenned." The Masters of the Universe don't need to make inflated claims about their accomplishments. And they give a nice little moral lesson at the end, too. Just like true heros in the Superfriends tradition.
As for being cancelled in favor of She-Ra, let's just be clear: He-man guest starred on She-Ra, and saved her bacon when she got into real trouble. The only reason He-Man left the cartoon industry was because he had transcended cartoons, and had become a live action hero on the big screen. Who else but He-Man sign draw big stars like Courtney Cox to co-star in his movie?
Besides, the Thundercats have dead weight on their team. Wily Kat and Wily Kit are kids, great for boosting ratings with the after-school set who like to imagine themselves as cartoon heroes themselves, but useless in a real scrap. Being at Disney World, they'll be more interested in riding Space Mountain than fighting. And Snarf? Please! He's Pinky to Lion-O's Brain--and nobody ever said Lion-O was Mensa material to begin with.
With the odds that blatantly tilted, there's only one possible outcome: He-Man hoisting a furry shish-kebab to the skies.
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A vacuum cleaner. The kind with the headlight on it and the Dust-Devil attachement.
He-man switches his Hoover on to "High" (aka "Loud and scary") and the Thundercats flee into the catacombs (basement) to cower within their litterboxes.
- Budo, Master of my Domain
The argument that Lion-O will get his ass kicked because the other 'Cats will be "too busy defending their territory" is bogus. Why? Because the 'Cats are a _family_ and as anyone who has lived with cats can tell you, when cats are raised together, they are the most loyal little Fuzzybutts(TM) and woe to any who dares harm a littermate!
And at least Thundercats can be SEEN on Cartoon Network whereas good luck finding He-Man on UHF at 6:30 in the morning. Speaking of Cartoon Network....
As The Stray Cats once sang "I got Cat Class & I got Cat Style" & as Squeeze once sang "It's Cool for Cats", the Thundercats have an ally from Cartoon Network. Yes, the Epitome of Coolness himself... Johnny Bravo!!! Immediately Johnny will go for Teela & the Sorceress (ooh, mother & daughter act!) thereby taking out two members from the opposition!
Now Battle Cat sees Cheetara running free, proud, & unneutered. He feels The Animal Within (TM) begin to stir. He sees what he could have, _no_, what he SHOULD have been. No more will he be a domsticated slave to The (He) Man! At this point he proceeds to maul Prince Adam. Exit a third.
And now...the Piece de Resistance(TM). I've lived with 3 normal sized short-haired cats. Cats shed. A lot. Even if you DON'T have an allergy to cats, you will STILL be reduced to a quivering mucus-dripping sneezing mess. And that's with Benedryl. Just imagine 6 man-sized 'Cats shedding hair & dander everywhere. Also since most of the 'Cats are male, they produce more dander! The remainder of He-Man's force will be wheezing & tearing & clawing at their own faces to make it stop! (And they will because Orko will screw up a spell & give his side a +4 allergy to 'Cats)
(this post is dedicated to Thai, Mel, & Toby. I'll be coming home soon, fuzzybutts :))
"Da da da da da da da da da da, He MaaAAaann." Please.
If I must offer further evidence, check out the picture of He-Man you have posted on your site. Look at that fluffy blonde hair. Examine the prissy, pursed lips. Now look at the pose his non-sword hand his in. Can you say 'mince?' I rest my case. Long live the Queen!
Now, the Thundercats have an etirely electric guitar theme song. Very butch. Lion-O DOES have the bouffant thing going, but he's WAY ahead of She-Man. I'm all for gay pride, but let's face facts: Miss He-Man is not cut out for this sort of fight. Meow!
Oh, yeah, Jeff - here's the deal with immortals: they don't die from AGE or DISEASE but they can be killed. Check out any book of Norse myths for the "Death of Thor" if you don't believe me. Sounds like you need to brush up on your gaydar AND your mythology, sister.
Recall that this is taking place at DisneyReich. A super-fascist state filled with security cameras, security guards, janitors, and more. What do you think all those guys in the character suits are? Sure, they're a tourist attraction, but each is also an ex-Navy seal or Army ranger. Even with Michael Eisner killed by our protagonists (to be frozen away beside Walt), his subordinates will realise the potential wealth to be gained by this match, and will quickly send their securit forces via the underground tunnels that connect all parts of the Magic Kingdom to save He-Man and Co.
Well, did oyu ever see a Thundercats toy? Maybe you did, but I sure didn't. Ever. I owned a whole pile of He-Men, and watched his show every day. I even watched She-Ra, Princess of Power at an age when no boy would watch a *girls* show, simply out of hopes that He-Man might guest star. I watched Thundercats like, once.
Disney is out to market fun toys. The Disney stormtroops (disguised as Tigger) will bounce the thundercats and make He-Man master of the Universe again. Because he really sells toys.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
- Don Meyers
Paul: Cat beats man. Jeff: Man + gun beats cat.Clearly this would imply that cat + gun beats man + gun. This is where Panthro comes in. And while we are on the subject of Panthro, Paul, he's got alot more sex appeal than Lion-O in my book.
(Actually, I would have voted for the Thundercats anyway, because I like to say Snarf. Snarf.)
Then, look at Orko. While he theoretically has Great Cosmic Power(tm), he also has a ripcord in his butt, thus signifying some sick deviant behaviour. He'll take one look at Tigra and his Magic Whip(tm) and change sides immediately.
Sadly, the Thundercats:Dance back to Thundera film will flop when some disgruntled Disney animator inserts subliminal messages to "Go see a wonderful Bugs Bunny cartoon."
- Nate "The Snake"
Lion-O and the Thundercats are gone!! Curiously, Battle-Cat and Orko have disappeared, too.
On board the alien spacecraft, a short, furry snouted being is tossing aside a red nightshirt, scarf and hat. "Oh boy, I thought I'd never catch that Battle-Cat," ALF says. "But after all these years, that stupid Orko disguise finally worked. And I have the Thundercats too!"
Battle-Cat and the Thundercats become gourmet dinner for ALF and the rest of Melmac. The camera lingers briefly, yet just enough on Snarf's head mounted on ALF's wall next to those of Garfield, Heathcliff and Morris, a'la the Predator's skull collection. A default victory for Masters. Even without the intervention of a cat-starved Melmacian, He-Man and crew would beat the "Thunder-Scats". C'mon, guys, this one wasn't even fair.
He-Man vs. COBRA Command, however...
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight of the Evil Horde(tm) sez cats is good eatin'... mmmmmmm!
- Where's the kaBOOM? WHERE'S THE GODDAMN EARTH-SHATTERING KABOOM!
Alas, a second super-strength person might have helped, but She-Ra was mad that she'd only been offered a cameo and turned the whole thing down.
Lion-O feasted on He-Man brand carrion that night in celebration of the new movie, "The Sword in the Human".
- Nicholas Eckert, a.k.a. the Vidstudent
If you get the Cartoon Network (tm), a big favorite of mine, you can view many of the most classic cartoons of all-time; Voltron (big daddy of 'em all), Thundercats, Superfriends, Scooby Doo and a host of others. What can you not see? Masters of the Universe (and Transformers, but that's a different story). As a lover and supporter of the classics, I cast my vote for He-Man and gang. Sure, he got a movie, but you can't watch the original cartoons anymore.
- Adam B.
Of course, FOX's news crews will be on the scene (or close by, filming the Tuesday night special When Amusement Park Rides Explode), so they will catch all the carnage on tape. FOX doesn't care about the outcome of the fight, and neither will anyone else.
When Thundercats Attack becomes almost as popular as the last episode of Seinfeld(tm) with all ages and walks of life tuning in. The children think it's Power Rangers: The Next Generation, the adolescents faintly remember these shows from their youth, and all the other losers have nothing else to do on Tuesday nights but watch FOX.
Of course, the fighting will not end there. FOX loves sequels to its Tuesday night specials, and will use the revenue from the show to set up a rematch, titled (in the proud FOX tradition) When Thundercats Attack II. Don King leaves the world of boxing to manage the Thundercats (his hair fits right in, after all) and, by the time When Thundercats Attack IV hits the airwaves, the world has begun its descent into doom.
Legions of children grow up with this nonsense being shoved into their brains and every kid in America starts idolizing one side or the other. What begins with playground rivalries builds up for many years until a civil war breaks out between the Masters-worshippers and the Thundercat-worshippers. The war eventually goes nuclear and wipes out all life on Earth.
Sleep tight, everybody.
- The Black Shadow, master of the night and all-around greepy guy
First of all, they don't call him "He-Man" for no reason. If you're talking about phallic symbols, look no futher than He-Man. Anybody that can keep the Delectable Dish She-Ra by his side is man with a libido the size of Kansas. Liono will take on look at He- Man's bulging muscles and bulging loincloth and run away.
Secondly, my mother always for some reason associated Skeletor with Satan. If He-Man and the Masters of the Universe can best an evil backed by the S-man himself, those poor kitties will be meowing for mercy. After all, a good 25% of the Thundercat's exist only for comic relief. The Masta's are all serious ass-kicking machines.
Finally, My friend had a couple of Masta's action figures, and he had a He-Man with a spinning chest-logo thingy(tm) Any hero that has such an abundantly moronic feature has to be tough. Even Ken would try to start trouble with him.
Face it boys, The Masters are just that, The Masters. Cats are used to being subserviant to them, and the Masters just oooooze authority. F*** you kitty, you're gonna spend the night....OUTSIDE!
- Mamma's boy
These were not good cartoons, folks. How do I know this? Simple.
THERE WERE NO GOOD 80s CHILDRENS' CARTOONS!!!
The last twenty years, culminating in wimpy, whiney, leftist eco-paranoid Captain Planet has been to childrens' cartoons what the Black Pleague was for Europe in the Middle Ages! The only TV animation to come out of the 80s that is actually worth watching is The Simpsons and it isn't aimed at kids at all.
If you want me to care who wins this battle of losers you're going to be disappointed. A good match-up between Porky Pig and Elmer Fudd? Okay, I'm there with bells on. The combination of a pig with Tourette's syndrome and a sexually repressed, murderous, big-headed dwarf is irresistable. The same thing goes for Tom vs. Sylvester... The toons of the 40s, 50s and 60s had panache. What's so exciting about He-Man? He's a muscle-bound weirdo with a haircut that belongs on one of the Three Stooges.
Sorry, but I'm going to have to do a write in on this one. I vote for Yosemite Sam... He could mop up the floor with any of these losers.
- Alan Ross... Classic Toon Fan
- Ray Kremer
From the He-Man cast, it's obvious that Orco looks somewhat like Boo Berry. Boo Berry is the lost third of the Count Chocula / Frankenberry / Boo Berry triumverate, which fiercely monitors any classic movie monster which whiches to become part of this complete breakfast. The Count got all the publicity from this arrangement, and cartoonwise the Simpsons have prospered, since they've already admitted the eerie similarities between the Count and Mr. Burns in the L'il Lisa Slurry episode. Boo and Frank were left out in the cold, Boo worse than Frank because who the hell wants blueberry cereal? He's got all the selling power of Monica Lewinsky for stain remover.
From the Thundercats cast, it's Mumm-ra, who's the monotone version of Fruity Yummy Mummy. This is a much better arrangement; Fruity's got all the delicious colors of fruit (notice I said colors, not flavors) bleeding away into your milk. The general fruit concept is a much easier sell than one specific flavor so remote it doesn't even rate a Jolly Rancher. Plus, Fruity had these cool ads in some comics a few years ago which had a fold-in where the two halves of his coffin became Fruity holding up a big box of FYM or something. Actually, they were lame ads, but they invovled the reader in hand-eye coordination, which only Tomb Raider ads do nowadays.
So Thundercats win somehow because of this. I dunno. This was logic back in the eighties.
- Kilgore Trout
The argument went something like this: I could watch Cutthroat Island in the theater, but the only reason anybody had to go see it was that it was a chance to be alone in a deserted theater with a member of the opposite sex for two hours. I was, however, single at the time, and people already equated me with PeeWee Herman on the basis of hair. I could have seen Master of the Universe with another friend, but they said the only thing it was good for was to have something to watch while your acid trip came on. So I opted to watch grass grow, which gave me a great opportunity to observe life in its purest form expanding itself. Same thing goes for the chemical world with paint drying. This stuff is fascinating.
So anyway, I didn't see Master of the Universe. But I can tell what it would be like. Jeff himself said that Courtney Cox was in it. Come on. Courtney Cox? What happens, does she room with BattleCat while He-Man and Skeletor buddy up and watch Baywatch in the room across the hall? It would make a great lead-in for Seinfeld, featuring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and ER, featuring the cast of Smurfs.
Come on, give me a break. Any toy company that hires a Must-See TV star to represent one of its action figures needs to work on something. Besides, all action figures fit one of two basic body types: The ultra bulked up 80's Arnold, or the airheaded top heavy Anna Nicole Smith, with slimmer hips. Actually, if Masters of the Universe was remade as a porno flick, Smith would fit right in. Shagging Skeletor would be roughly the same thing as her marriage arrangement...
Also, let's not forget that cats are naturally hygenic, and quite proficient at grooming themselves, while any pseudo-medieval setting like Eternia (Albeit, the ony peasent culture I've ever seen with antigravity technology) is bound to be a breeding ground for all kinds of nasty human parasites. We're talking jock itch to the Nth degree here folks!!
While Orko tries to summon up some salve for He-man's crabs, the entire party is ripped to shreds by Lion-O and the sword of omens. (which will naturally, have to be sterilized in boiling hot lava for a week before even Mumtaz will be brave enough to touch it...)
- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood
In fact, if the 'Cats and Masters are smart, they'll realize that the Disney Corporation is their true enemy. I mean, think about it: Disney screws up history and literature (Pocahontas, Hercules, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame) by shoving musical numbers, cutesy comic relief, and happy endings. They also ripped off an anime with "The Lion King". And now Disney's going to rip THEM off?
If "Jack the Ripper: A Love Story" is any indication, nothing's sacred for Disney. I mean, if they made their version of Romeo and Juliet, what would piss you off the most:
a) the distorted story?
b) the cutesy comic relief?
c) the musical numbers?
d) the happy ending?
OK, that's enough cynical anti-Disney ranting for one submission. Until the next Grudge Match, I remain:
- Timothy Shanahan
Then again, cats tend to lick their privates. Disney, not wanting their movie to attain an NC-17 rating (tm) for this, would probably throw a man in a mickey mouse costume into the match to throw the Thundercats off. A typical cat and mouse chase would ensue, before the man would be promptly pounced upon and have his costume head fall off, being gored alive. A child, seeing this, would scream and cry upon seeing that Mickey is actually a man in a costume, resulting in a 50 million dollar lawsuit for Disney. As the MOTUs begin pounding away at the distracted cats, Michael Eisner (tm), the angry god of Disney and greed, would smite everyone with a lighting bolt for this small hole chewed in his large pocket.
I guess Im saying that as long as Eisners around, no one wins.
- Quoshbog the Bullfrog
He-Man v Lion-O
He-Man: Big, strong, fairly intelligent. An obviously important player.
Lion-O: Big, strong, inexperienced and sometimes unconfident, obviously outgunned by He-Man on a personal level but carries superior weaponry.
Obviously, despite the power afforded Lion-O by his sword, He-Man takes this fight easily.
Our next battle, between Orko and Snarf, results in the two of them disappearing into a temporal vortex that rips them apart. And there was much rejoicing. No one loses (but everyone wins).
Teela v Cheetara
Aside from the obvious (like the fact that Cheetara can move so fast Teela won't know what hit her), shall we look at their combat histories? Both are supposedly experienced and skilled warriors. So why does Teela always end up in a situation where He-Man has to rescue her? Because she's an incompetent twit, that's why. And beyond that, we get two girls going at it, aka a "catfight". Oh dear, I wonder who gets the advantage there? Oh yeah, and she can't figure He-Man is really Prince Adam with a tan. She looses points for stupidity.
Cheetara easily takes this one.
Man-at-Arms v Panthro
Next at bat, the two weapons guys. This might be a close one except for one thing: Man-at-Arms is an old fart while Panthro is still in his prime and likes wading in with the 'chucks flying. He quickly sends the Eternian running for his prune juice and Depends(tm).
Tygra v Sorceress
One is veteran warrior who can turn invisible and wields a whip with deadly accuracy. The other is a chronically-depressed magic user who obviously suffered a bitter divorce where the father got the daughter. And she turns into a bird. Need we mention what cats do to birds? Tygra takes this one (and has a snack as well).
Ram-Man v Wily Kat
Dead meat. They'll be serving baked Katchetori covered in blood red Katsup. Another win for Team Eternia.
Battle-Cat v Wily Kit
Recognizing the superior strength of her opponent, Kit switches tactics and goes for the "hearts and minds" approach made easier by the fact that the big and obviously virile Battle-Cat ain't getting any. The two retreat behind the stage where odd noises cause the other combatants to glance in that direction and shake their heads in wonder. The Disney people decide that neither of them, whichever comes out...ah...on top... are suitable for marketing to children. Both are taken out of the combat.
After round one, we have He-Man and Ram-Man versus Tygra, Panthro and Cheetara. It might look bad for the Thundercats, having lost their leader and all and being in a fair fight but we must again look at their battle history. Whenever Lion-O was in trouble, who swooped in to save him? That's right, the three remaining Thundercats who descend on their enemy like a tornado and open a big can of whoop-ass. They make quick work of the two Eternians who have never faced such a well-oiled, experienced, skilled and cooperative group who work as a team. All He-Man has ever faced was a bunch of stupid, selfish and cowardly monsters and villains.
Shortly after the dust settles the Thundercats get their movie deal while He-Man suffers the fate of all muscle-bound blonde and tanned discredited warriors and ends up working for Turner and making really bad movies.
The second thing is the fatal flaw. The Sword of Omens. As was pointed out in the commentary, the sword acts like a certain part of the anatomy. But, also notice that, when Lion-O invokes the Sword of Omens, he is by himself. You know what that means. Historically, society has looked down on practitioners of that activity with scorn. The cases of Paul Reubens and George Michael spring to mind. That Dawson kid from "Dawson's Creek appears to be the lone exception. It is because of this, the Thundercats will never win.
Then, there's the matter of their feline appearance, occult magic, and attire that will provoke the wrath of Disney's foe - The Southern Baptists. However, as their previous protests have had no effect on Disney, this should not influence the match.
- The Demented Astronomer
The battlefield is immediately criss-crissed with red and blue laser fire, but for some strange reason no one ever gets hit. Lasers are flying everwhere but no fighter has fallen to the ground dead. As the two competeing armies close in on one another, Snarf notices something else off in the disatnce.
"Snarf, where did those dinosaurs come from?"
Orko looks out from under his hat and says, "Those aren't dinosaurs they're made of metal"
Sure enough in the distance, are a T-Rex, Terdactyl, Stegosaurus Brontosaurus, and Triceratops. With one gant stomp of the T-Rax's foot, a earthquake erupts opening a giant cavern in the battlefield into which all of the fighters fall in. The only thing heard on the battlefield is "Grimlock say Transformers get movie"
Adam will turn into He-Man to kick Skeletor's ass at the drop of a hat. Anyone's hat. Lion-O must go through his series of clichés before he can extend the Sword of Omens.
He-Man approches Lion-O. Lion-O must then hold the Sword of Owmens up to his face and say "Sword of Omens(tm), give me sight beyond sight!" He-Man then reuses the stock footage from the opening credits (He-Man punching the camera.)
As Lion-O lays crippled and bleeding on the floor, he has a vision of his late mentor, Jaga.
"Jaga! I can't stop this guy!"
"Lion-O, the secret to your survival lies deep within the Sword of Omens(ym)!"
"The Sword of Omens(tm)? I should Have known!"
Lion-O then jumps around like a balarina while he shouts "Thunder, Thunder Thundercats, HO!" Then he thrusts his sword into the air and makes a big Eye of the Tiger(tm).
However, in that five minutes, He-Man would has transformed, and stomped and stabbed Lion-O to death.
He-Man would then laugh as he watched Battlecat eat Snarf.
- Tuxedo2164, creator of Mr. T vs. Hanson
Intelligence: No, I'm not talking about the conventional meaning of the word (fortunately for both sides), but rather the standard military usage refering to one's knowledge of the enemy's plans and position. Lion-O has a definite advantage here thanks to the Sword of Omens; one "Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!" and presto, he can eavesdrop on the battle planning of He-Man and his cohorts, giving him an easy way to achieve tactical superiority.
Weapon Storage: The Thundercats are wise enough to carry weapons that break down into an easy-to-carry configuration yet are quickly readied. He-Man is foolish enough to stick his sword on his back, which as any child who has dressed up that way for Halloween knows is ridiculously difficult to draw. He-Man'll still be trying to yank that thing out to say "By the Power of Grayskull!" when the Sword of Omens is cleaving through his skull.
The Sin of Pride: The Thundercats, to the best of my knowledge, have never claimed to be supreme beings, thus showing proper humility. He-Man and friends, however, have the audacity to call themselves MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE! (and funny how the morality of THAT little declaration was never referred to by them...). As anybody knows, the arrogant are always brought down in the end, and nobody's earned a fall more than people who go around claiming to be gods when they have trouble just fighting off a stupid wimp like Skeletor.
Adaptability: Lion-O has as I remember had to go through a trial where he had to defeat all of his companions AND his archenemy Mumm-Ra WITHOUT using the Sword of Omens! Taking on everybody in the areas in which they were strongest while practically fighting with one arm tied behind his back shows some serious cojones here! Besides, it shows he doesn't need the Sword of Omens to kick butt, which could come in handy if the stupid thing decides to break YET AGAIN (honestly, the number of times that thing got broken, you'd think they were just using krazy-glue to fix it...).
Names: Come on now, if you heard someone running around calling themselves He-Man or Ram Man, could you keep a straight face? The Thundercats, in contrast, at least have vaguely cool names.
Secret Identity He-Man and Battlecat chose to run around most of the time as the wimpy Prince Adam and Cringer to avoid danger. Lion-O had the balls to walk around as himself and dare the bad guys to take their best shot.
Snarf: You make light of the little guy, yet I note on at least one occasion he managed to save the rest of the Thundercats entirely by himself utilizing his ability to communicate with animals. I can see the entire battle working out like a replay of the famous Tarzan/Aquaman match as Snarf summons forth all the natural creatures of the earth to kick some Eternian butt. Also, he was Lion-O's nursemaid, and look how powerful his charge has turned out! Given that the master is always more powerful than the student no matter how much frailer he may appear, and Snarf obviously is far more deadly than he chooses to be (no doubt so that his student can learn himself rather than relying on him all the time).
And finally, there is the Astral Assistance Factor to consider. Although He-Man and company may seem to have a strong advantage here with the assistance of the Sorceress, the Thundercats can call on the aid of Jaga, that guy who died saving them from Thundera. I can't recall HIM ever needing help from the rest of the Thundercats, while the Sorceress seemed to be whining for He-Man's help every time you blinked. I see him easily crushing her pitiful little body into pulp, then for laughs showing her how guarding Grayskull should be done by absentmindedly crushing that puny Skeletor with his Phenomenal Cosmic Power the next time the fool comes around.
The result is obvious; the Eternians shall be crushed before the unstoppable might that is the Thundercats, with Cheetara administering the coup de grace to He-Man by shoving her stick sideways up his butt and hitting extend. Masters of the Universe moral of the story: don't f**k with the Thundercats, Ho!
- "Mad Dog" Mike
The Masters of the Universe have Skeletor and Beastman as their head bad guys.
The Thunder Cats have the Mutants and Mum-Ra (who wasn't ever actually killed only banished then brought back in the next episode:) as their head bad guys.
Now, even if these guys were equal, we havta remember that Mum-Ra has got some bosses. He works for these 4 guys called the "Ancient Spirits of Evil" (TM). These would obviously be Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Ted Turner, and Sadam Hussein. Now with backing like that, well...'Nuff Said :-)
He-Man has the clear advantage here, mentally and physically. First, as Adam, he wears those lavander tights. It takes a bad-a**man to wear lavander and not give a s**t. And let's not forget the Prince Valiant hair-cut. Also, Adam's a prince. At court. Palace intrigue is heavy and Adam has learned to be one tricky bastard. He's been trained by the best, too, since he was little kid. As He-Man, the dude has virtually unlimited strength. Even his muscles has muscles, as the saying goes. He also has been in more, heavily varied, battle situations than the cub. Experience is gonna win over hormones.
As for the sword's, well, He-Man's sword (if I recall correctly) has never been broken. Lion-O's Sword of Omens not only has been broken, it has the weakness of being a dud every time the Eye is covered up.
As for the other paraphanilia, well, Panth-Ro is gonna be busy staring at the remains of the Thundertank after AttackTrax (a sentient battle machine with a gung-ho personality, if I recall correctly) trains its cannons on it and rolls over the smoking parts. (How do you think they got to DisneyWorld? Amtrak?)
[Rest of Thundercats getting beat up claimed by the Iron Fist]
Wiley-Kat and Wiley-Kit? I dunno about them, to be honest. Sure they're sneaky and all, but I wonder about them. I mean, Lion-O at least physically grew older, even if he still has the brains of an eight year old. They still look and act like little kids. I bet that they're hormonally deficient. Orko magically cures them of this deficiency, and they've become adults. They hit the nearest bar and get themselves some, finally.
What's Ram-Man doing? Kicking back, baby. He found a pack of unfiltered cigarettes, a lighter and a hip flask of whiskey and is sitting on what's left of the bleachers and taking in the action.
He-man's got the Sorceress as a guide, but Lion-o has Jaga as an advisor.. Jaga can physically enter the Sword of Omens, or any weakened Thundercats to aid them. He can also fight Thundercat enemies like Grune on the spiritual plane. The Sorceress wears a leotard and only seems to have one kind of advice: "You must find out for yourselves." What good is that?
Now for the teams: The Masters of the Universe are downright LEWD (explain FISTO and RAM-MAN)!! And the other members: Stinkor, Dragstor, Mosquitor? Together, that's already a smelly band of cross- dressing, blood-sucking savages! And as a team, The Masters of the Universe never really did much together... it was a dog-eat-dog show.
The Thundercats followed the code of Thundera: Truth, Justice, Honor and Loyalty. Certainly a lot more noble of a cause. As for weaknesses, yes the kittens are sometimes a set-back to the scheme of things, but don't forget that there were additional members to the Thundercats team! Bengali, Pumyra, Lynx-o, Snarfer and even Scooper strengthened their power on Third Earth.
I could go on... but my brain is starting to hurt... but I do have to mention that I think Snarf could kick Orko's behind faster than you can say, "BY JAGA!"
- Snow Meow
Consider this: Speed Racer has less drama and action than paint running down the wall. Voltron is basically the Power Rangers with bad art. Battle of the Planets was edited with a meat cleaver and only makes sense under the influence of powerful amphetamines. And yet, crap like this still exerts a mighty force on the imagination of fanboys everywhere, because it's anime, and anime is cool.
The Masters, on the other hand, are stuck with bland, stiff American animation and He-Man's embarrassing blond pageboy do. They're about as cool as Scotch-taped glasses. The other superheroes probably steal their lunch money and beat them up during recess. Well, guess what, guys? It's time for recess again.
Cats have nothing to prove. When your reproductive organ has painful barbs on it and intercourse lasts seconds, and you are content that THAT IS NORMAL (for a cat anyway), then what do you have to compensate for?
The Thundercats are missing the psychological edge so sought for in Generals willing to launch nuclear missiles confident in the knowledge that it is THERE that their manhood lies, nobody suspecting that they have such a tiny pecker.
- --John Hunter
1) They outnumber the Masters of the Universe. 7 Thundercats and 7 Masters of the Universe (one being a cat)= 63 lives against 15.
2) Lion-O has control over all cats. Meaning that Battle Cat makes the match 72 against 6.
3) The MotU will be too distracted to fight by trying to figure out what the hell Snarf is.
4) I found from watching TC that no matter what the odds are, the Eye of Thundera can solve the problem. Can't program the VCR? Use the Eye. Can't get the gum off your shoe? Use the Eye. Your affair with an intern getting you into trouble? Use the Eye.
So Lion-O whines to Jaga about needing help. So by using the Sword of Omens/Eye of Thundera, Lion-O uses the power of Jaga, Thundercat ancestors, and the cast of Bananza to create some unexplained way to totally destroy the Masters.
My read on this: Kaneda from the _Akira_ animated movie shows up with that man-portable laser cannon of his and cuts *both* sides in half, and then follows up with those dreaded pink gas grenades.
At first it will begin to look bad for the Thundercats as the initially encourage and the eventually push the ever-annoying Wily Kat into the path of the Eternia juggernaut where he is crushed to dust. With *that* out of the way they clash with Grayskull's defenders where they do considerable damage.
Tigra and Cheetara team up their whips and speed pulling in Teela into one secret sex sessions. Distracted by the moans and groans Orko joins in too showing everyone that between his shoulders and the bottom of his robe he's all man.
The Sorceress, despite her great power (or lack thereof considering how she expects muscle-boy to save her all the time) is quickly taken out of action by the solid Panthro who bears her off to her bedroom in the upper towers of Grayskull where he shows her that *he* is truly master of their little universe. Later when they both return to the field of battle and Panthro begins to seriously kick Man-At-Arms ass all she can do is just sit there and occasionally sigh with a wistful smile on her face.
Ram Man will have the best luck of them all though as he begins to take revenge on the only two (living) Thundercat members who are as short as (Wily Kit) or shorter than him (Snarf). Doubly cruel b/c of his child beating and animal kicking tendencies he causes what crowd support the MotU had to shift and then, from out of nowhere, Battle Cat, his mind decided jumps in and devours Ram Man in one go. Battle Cat goes on to savage whats left of his team mates. And then there were two.
Lion-O and He-Man battle for nearly an hour. Even with the Cat's Claw and the Sword of Omens proudly declaring his virility the Thunderan is just barely holding his own when...he cut the fastener on the Eternian loincloth, exsposing his withered genitalia to the world. In a moments embarrassment, He-Man drops the Sword of Power as he trys in vain to repair what's left of his dignity. Actually Lion-O is about to drop to the floor rolling with laughter and it is only be luck that he manages to carry out the decapitation of He-Man.
With only four lives lost several and several *friends* gained the Thundercats win the day.
- Desert Moon
In my opinion, LION-O WOULD KILL HE-MAN and thats that.
As for everyone else, please, Panthro is an electrical genius, Im sure he can ALSO make a CD Player outta a dildo and chicken wire. What does Man-at-arms have? Little beams that shoot from his arms. Im sure Cheetara can take out She-ra, Tygra will kill Ram Man and everyone in the Thundercat Universe(TM) will defeat everyone from the Masters of the Universe(TM). With the exception of Skeletor and Mumm-Ra who will always lose for they are the villians.
- IN A ROUTE, LION-O WINS
I can see the fight. About the time Orko has tryed several spells and only accomplised to make three fish and a potted plant Lion-O would have recieved the Star of Thundara, the Chain of Friendship, the Blender of Omens, a giant cowboy belt buckle with his name on it, and some red and black Thundercat sweat-clothes. Now add to that the fact the Lion-O has power over all cats and could order Battle Cat to maul He-Man things look bad.
- Chris Needham -- Cartoon Afficianado
Talent: The Thundercats have lots of specialists in a variety of capabilities-- Lion-O has leadership (and the voice of Townsend Coleman, better known as the Tick!); Panthro has the strategic and tactical might, as well as a mean sword arm; Tigra is an ace mechanic; Cheetara is incredibly fast (and looks outstanding in the orange swimsuit!); and Wily Kit and Wily Kat have... well, they have those keen spaceboards. Weak point: Snarf, but he's so annoying that he can distract adversaries at key moments.
The Masters of the Universe (who, by the by, never actually demonstrated their alleged mastery of said universe) have He-Man, who masquerades as lame-ass Clark Kent/Dan Quayle-alike Prince Adam. You know some of that superficiality has to wear off. Ditto Battle Cat/Cringer. Teela is a major babe with lots of magical skills, but she has that dual-snake relief sculpture covering up _le Cleavage_(tm). Bad news. Man-at-Arms has his weapons, and that silly costume. Weak points: action figures promoted as heroes became villains in the cartoon and vice versa; Orko.
Attitude: Thundercats live as a team, work as a team, and are constantly training, when they are not on the run from Mumm-ra and his silly plans.
The (alleged) Masters of the Universe lounge around the castle until something goes horribly wrong (meaning, in a Filmation cartoon, that Skeletor announces his latest silly plan in 15-fps animation and the same music as last week). Then the main man and his cat disguise themselves as better versions of themselves. Not too bright.
Equipment: In addition to the aforementioned spaceboards, the Thundercats have terrible armor. However, in fiction, this is always an advantage. (See the GURPS roleplaying game--"Bulletproof Nudity") So Lion-O has a huge opening right over his abs, the most likely point for an opponent to try to split him open like an overripe fruit. NO problem; that just means that he has to fight harder. Tigro only have the one shoulder pad? That's the one to point at the bad guy as you body check him into next episode. Cheetara only has a Lycra bodysuit? You do the math.
Conclusion: Thundercats in a walk.
- Perry "Merritt Stone" Bruns
People on steroids are known for:
- Peeing in cups
- Shedding hair from head
- Not sleeping
- Not coming at all (Heh heh heh!)
Pent up sexual frustration and insomnia... gotta say the 'Cats land on their feet in this one.
- Ike Pigott (email@example.com)
Let us consider the word classic, shall we? According to the 10th
edition of Webster's Collegiate dictionary, the definition of
\'kla-sik\ adj (ca. 1604) 1 a: serving as a standard of excellence b: TRADITIONAL, ENDURING [snip] 3 a: historically memorable
Classic is hardly the appropriate word to describe either Thundercats or Masters of the Universe. The more appropriate description might be that Disney is "scouring the bottom of the slag heap, searching for cartoon charatcters that can be picked up for next to nothing and transformed into a multi-billion-dollar-temper-tantrum-inducing-if- the-miserable-rugrats-don't-get-the-malibu-tamagotchi-beach-house- they-want-parental-nightmare".
Since I have to decide between the two competitors, I guess I have to back the Thundercats. I do wish to make it clear, though, that I hate cats. If there were a competitor named Thunderdogs, that would rock, but this battle features pussy competitors. The determining factor in this battle will be how each side responds to the media getting into the fray of the battle. When Tabitha Soren and Maria Shriver begin tearing each other's clothes off and Hugh Downs starts bitch-slapping Barbara Walters, the Masters of the Universe will be mezmerised and have to excuse themselves because they aren't Masters of their Own Universes, if you catch my drift. The Thundercats, on the other hand, will simply lick themselves and be ready to continue pounding away at He-man and his pansied sidekicks.
Classic cartoons, my ass! Bugs Bunny and Rocky and Bullwinkle, now those are classics. Scooby Doo: drug-induced perhaps, but has withstood the test of time. He-man. Lion-O. Classic THIS, muthaf...
- HotBranch! (last seen being dragged into an unmarked building by thugs in mouse costumes)
Lion-O bears an UNCANNY facial resemblance to their own mascot, the ever-lovable Ronald McDonald.
Upset about having their own spokesman equated with a sword-wielding psychopath, McLawyers will make even Disney tremble. He-Man and Co. will then take their rightful place as the Masters of the Universe...
- Andy The Wino
It all boils down to this: The Thundercats only succeed as a team. Never has there been one episode where the antagonist force or creatures could have been defeated by a single 'Cat. He-Man, on the other hand, has repeatedly foiled the plans of villan after villan on his own, with his friends getting in the way, for the most part. This usually happens until a crucial part of the episode, known as the end, wherein all of the forces of good band together, despite their differences, to vanquish the evil, no matter how powerful. Even the Mighty Eye of Thundera cannot break the titanium bonds of tradition that hold the Masters of the Universe together.
Just say it with me: "The MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!" It speaks for itself. The Eye of Thundera will, of course, realize this, and fly away within the Sword of Omens, taking a well-deserved vacation in Tahiti. The 'Cats will only be so much processed meat.
End of Story.
Later, Disney laments their lack of foresight as the Thundercats catch and eat Mickey Mouse.
Anyhow, Thundercats WORKS as a Disney movie. It's the Lion King with swords.
"I AM SHE-MALE!", she bellows. "Join me in cleansing these infidels from our happy land!" At her call, a blinding, intoxicating wave of The Rage (TM) (fueled by the 17% drop in Disney stock since the boycott began) sweeps through the park. The Masters of the Universe put up a brave fight, but not even they can stop several thousand Disney employees from ripping them into a hundred thousand McNuggett- sized gobbets of meat. All afternoon and long into the night the crazed Servants of the Mouse feed their blood lust by devouring the flesh of the homophobe infidels. She-Male's sword tastes the blood of all of He-Man's friends, as well as thousands of Disneyites, and it is a comedienne-warrior bloated by cannibal gluttony who makes her way home in the first light of dawn with a bloody sword and a duffel bag full of heads.
- Mr. Silverback- I bought Castle Grayskull at the estate sale for a song. Drop in for coffee sometime.
He-Man and Friends use Ram-man as a shield and launch him into the Cats before the sword can extend fully. Using the "Key" from the movie, the open a dimensional portal and use Battlecat to push them in along with good 'ol Walt while they're at it. No weapons needed.
- The Answerman
The "Masters" of the Universe: Born and raised in the effete, decadent Upper Upper Class background of the Etherian Royal Family, fighting on their own turf and having never faced the challenge of an unfamiliar environment.
The Thundercats: Crash-landed on an alien planet along with a fellow group of aliens who wanted them dead, made an enemy of a god-like Minion of Evil, and managed to survive quite nicely in an environment where pretty much everyone who was anyone wanted to kill them.
The point goes to... the Thundercats.
Getting the Job Done:
The "Masters" of the Universe: Have been totally unable to setting their score with any of their foes, as Skeletor and Hordak are both still alive and bent on Global Domination (TM).
The Thundercats: Although they took a LONG time doing it (five seasons and way too many episodes) they did eventually manage to restore their homeland and dusted the Supreme Being Wannabe Mumm-ra once and for all.
The point goes to... the Thundercats.
The "Masters" of the Universe: An American creation, concieved and produced by Americans as half hour commercials for children's toys.
The Thundercats: A Japanese creation, dubbed into English by Americans, transforming a deep and meaningful show into a half hour commerical for children's toys.
The point goes to... the Thundercats (Sony Playstation, Anime, Toyota, in the words of Marty Mcfly, all the best stuff is made in Japan)
The winner would be... the Thundercats. (Actually, a horde of disgrundled Americans who would mow down anything and everything associated with Disney rather than watch another hackneyed animated movie with a recycled plot, and the winner would be either independant American companies like the one that just produced Anasthetic (or something like that)geared towards the same gooey-eyed audience Disney appealed to, or imported Japanese "cartoons" dubbed into English and geered towards the pubescent, teenage audience with a thing for girls with big guns and big... well, you know.
- "I must be permited the sight of his blood outside of his body"
- T.G. Syd
Suddenly, 9 angry Narn come up behind the Blundercats, armed with the best pieces of Kentucky Workmanship: Louisville Sluggers. The Narn Bat Squad quickly reduces the Dundercats to a pile of goo. *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*
- Nick Wea.. No.. Wait... NOOO!!! *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*
- Man who likes Dogs.
Cats are, well, uh... You figure it out.
- Badgers! We don't need no steenking badgers!
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