The lithe enchantress smiles and croons, "It will crush the demons that have overwhelmed your kingdom and free your queen from their spell if you can claim it from your rivals."
"You must send me there!"
She seductively replies, "This service has a price." In a single motion, her robe falls to the floor as she opens a magical portal.
"Another time, witch," answers Conan, neatly disarming the dagger intended for his back. In a moment, he disappears into the opening...
In another time in ancient Greece... Two women approach a cave opening. "This is the place, Xena. According to the map that old woman gave us, this cave leads to someplace called 'New York City.'"
"We have to hurry. Hercules will die if we don't stop Callisto in time. Only that weapon is capable of stopping a god like her."
"But what about the warning about others seeking the same prize?"
Xena lifts her chakram and smirks. "I think I can handle it. Now come on, Gabrielle. You're not safe here as long as Callisto is free." They fade into the darkness of the cave...
Late Twentieth Century, A.D.... It's a warm, lazy summer afternoon in the Borough of Manhattan in New York City. In an isolated section of Central Park, a mysterious mist appears and out walk three familiar figures. A disembodied voice booms over them:
"Travellers, you have come a long way. The object you seek is divided into three parts on this island. The American Museum of Natural History harbors the Ring of Wisdom; the United Nations holds the Scepter of Power; the dreaded 'Pit' of the New York Stock Exchange hides the Diamond of Wealth. Only you three will be able to see the pieces, but beware! Each one is protected by a powerful guardian. You who is destined to succeed must reassemble the components into the Laserblast of the Ancients(TM) and bring it to the top of the Empire State Building. There you will be returned to your own time. The other will be stranded here FOREVER!"
As soon as the voice is silenced, Conan and Xena instinctively turn toward each other and pull their swords. But their combat is interrupted by a magical lightning bolt and both groups scatter...
So, gentlemen, who will succeed in winning this Deadly Magical Scavenger Hunt Quest of the Ages(TM)?
NOTE: According to WWWF Grudge Match(TM) bylaws, all primitive time travellers in the twentieth century will be able to speak English. All rights reserved. Grudge Match employees are not eligible. Not valid in Arkansas, Guam, the Yukon Territory and some areas of Australia. Prohibited where not allowed.
There is of course, the environment factor: everyone knows how much tougher it was when our parents were kids - just imagine how bad it was when Conan was around. Jump forward a few thousand years to Xena's time and you see things are a lot easier - the average Hyborean fighter looks like s/he just stepped out of a late 70's strongman competition whereas your average Xena hero/villain looks more like mid-80's aerobics video. Frankly, if I knew I had to go up against Conan, I'd put the plastic steps away and start squatting AMC Gremlins. Advantage Conan.
The second factor is experience. Xena is of course a warrior, as well as a princess. Conan is or has been a barbarian, conqueror, destroyer, buccaneer, warrior, hero, thief, freebooter, wanderer, adventurer, usurper, etc., ad infinitum. He hasn't been a princess, but can usually pick one up whenever he needs one. In short, Conan's tray has come back overloaded from the buffet table of experience, whereas Xena's plate bears only a small salad and some cottage cheese.
The third factor is motivation. I think this "wandering do-gooder" gig has made Xena something of a dupe. She's likely to get caught up in the plight of some victimized local's quest for justice, wasting valuable time. Conan can only be deterred by money, sex, or fame. Xena gets ten out of ten for style, but I say C. B. gets the goods.
Factor four is the Big Apple(TM). I have a feeling that Xena and Gabrielle may just get caught between the moon and New York City, if you catch my drift. The ensuing Internet flame war over the true nature of Xena and Gabrielle's relationship should give Conan the opportunity to escape with his own subtexts(TM) intact.
So there you have it, Paul. Any closing remarks?
PAUL: You know, I remember my newbie days when I thought I was always right. Well, Dave, you're about to get a hard lesson in reality. Folks, you might want to turn your heads now because this ain't gonna be pretty.
First off, who are these "strongmen?" Thulsa Doom? He was a big fat flower child. And I sure hope you are not talking about Wilt Chamberlain. It is kind of hard to put up a good fight when suffering from a dozen cases of syphilis. Anyway, he does not have enough coordination to hit free throws much less handle a weapon properly. These losers were a lot closer to intensive care than a showdown with Magnus ver Magnusson(TM).
Your experience edge does not materialize either. Let us take a look at Conan's resume. Ten years as a slave pushing a wheel around in a circle,... majored in getting drunk,... ah, a proficiency in carousing with loose women. Forgive me if I fail to recognize the practical uses for these "skills." Xena, on the other hand, earned the title of Warrior Princess through hands-on experience. During her adventures, she learned dozens of fighting techniques including martial arts, the chakram and pressure points and uses them to defeat centaurs, amazons, giants and even gods. That is more than enough experience to defeat a mentally deficient barbarian.
And do not forget the new settings. Rockefeller Center. Greenwich Village. Radio City Music Hall. There is no place on Earth where there are more opportunities for money, sex and/or fame than Manhattan. Conan, who still has not got the handle of this concept of civilization, will be constantly distracted and slowed down in retrieving the objects. If he finds his way to Times Square, he may never come out, if you know what I mean. Xena, who comes from an Americanized ancient Greece, will be much more adaptable to these familiar surroundings.
Finally, there is Gabrielle. Xena's sidekick once convinced a hungry cyclops not to eat her. With these interpersonal skills, she will have hundreds of new friends helping them in the quest. And though when it comes to combat she may not be in Xena's league (who is), she is quite able to create diversions and thump would be muggers. All this adds up to an easy victory and a ticket home for the Warrior Princess. Conan will be spending the rest of his life stranded in NYC, making a living cleaning windshields.
So, newbie, are you ready to yield to your elder or do you wish to embarrass yourself further?
DAVE: Paul, like the ancient Greek heroes, you appear to be suffering from hubris, which can only lead to persecution by the Gods, torn up hair, blindness, and possibly a little Darth Vader action courtesy of James Earl Jones. Need I remind you that Xena's primary weapon is a frisbee? For someone who solves all her problems with violence this seems a little silly. Even the great movies Tron and Krull could not make the frisbee into anything more than a gimmick. Made of steel? It can still be caught and thus rendered inoperative by every dog in Central Park.
Speaking of lame gimmicks, do you think Xena's special effects have a chance against the SGI-rendered Spielbergian dinosaurs I expect to guard the Museum of Natural History? Not bloody likely - when the geniuses at Xena Inc.(TM) went shopping for computers they came back with Macs. The page layouts in Wired(TM) might be pretty scary, but it's too bad that when Xena and her New Jersey sized attitude stole Bruce Boxleitner's frisbee moves she didn't also grab some of his Amiga-generated Babylon 5 action as well.
Paul, is that about as much as you can handle? Too much? Well, I'll stop then. Now, I could take the low road and conclude with Gabrielle having to employ those vaunted 'interpersonal' skills for profit in Times Square, but I'll make that a passing cheap shot instead. Hasta la vista, Xena.
PAUL: Dave, you have just proven yourself more naive than the Native Americans who sold Manhattan for $24. I was planning to simply rest my case but the Muse has inspired me to help you get a clue. You may abuse the Mac but at least they use a computer. Last I checked, Conan's special effects are red food coloring and some guy in a bad gorilla suit. You also fail to mention that those "frisbee" heroes of yours left their more conventional enemies as dead as disco. I am sure the winning ways will continue. The only people who will be catching that chakram are Xena and the back of Conan's thick skull.
And since I'm on the subject of head injuries, I doubt the barbarian could be any dumber. You know how he ended up on that Tree of Woe(TM). He tried to gain access to Thulsa's stronghold by acting like a tourist and flashing around that snake symbol that any of the guards could easily identify as being stolen from one of their own temples. Is that stupid or what?! Sure, Conan will be able to defeat the T-Rex camped out in front of the museum. But the much more intelligent and resourceful Warrior Princess and her trusty sidekick will use the diversion to grab the ring and escape undetected and unscathed. By the time the destroyer has won another glorious victory, Conan will be stranded and looking like the latest sucker at 3-Card Montey.
I'd like to sum it up in song, if I may. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. It's up to you New York, New York!" Battle On, Xena!
Thanks to the many people that suggested this or a
similar battle.
Also thanks to
Eddie McHam, Willie McCauley and
William Galen Gray for technical
support.
Special thanks to Dave Christianson and Paul Golba for filling in as guest commentators.
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Tell a friend about this match
There once was a certain Destroyer
who needed a brand new employer
He was stranded in time,
and without a dime,
dutifully became a lawyer.
If Conan can be a librarian, than he can be a lawyer. The two combatants may be strong, but their names don't really lend themselves to limericks. And as long as we're using wordplay as a criteria, I voted for Xena because her name is worth 11 points in Scrabble, whereas Conan's is only worth 7.
- 1/2 Nelson
Xena and Gabrielle wander around town, trying to find directions to the pick-up points. Gabrielle tries to ask people for directions, in that peaceful, monk-type way. Some New Yorkers, thinking she is another Hari Krishna, ignore her. Other New Yorkers think it's a street performance, and start tossing change at them. Then all of a sudden, someone in the crowd starts playing the Star Spangled Banner on their boom box!!!! Xena, who has an allergic reaction to that song, pops a boob out of her top!!!!! That draws the attention of Pimpbot 2000(tm)! He offers his help: "You...ho's...need...help? Come...back...to...my...crib...and...I...will ...turn...you...out!"
Meanwhile, Conan, already experienced in the ways of the city, will look up his old friend, lady cab driver(tm). She brings him modern day clothes, and they go around collecting the three objects. Of course, Conan dispatches the guardians while suffering only a few scratches.
Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle have to fight off Pimpbot 2000's(tm) advances. Then, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's Times Square Smut Enforcement Officers (MRGTSSEO Squad) (tm) will chase after Xena and Gabrielle to arrest them!!!! Of course, they get away, but the constant pursuit and battles keeps them from getting their objects.
Conan, meanwhile, gets the weapon and defeats the demons. However, not being one to pass up a chance on poon, Conan finds a way back to Manhattan, gets Xena and Gabrielle, then helps them save Hercules. Conan is the clear victor!
- Todd G
-Xena
Conan arrives at the UN Building in the middle of the latest Earth Summit. Attendees see his scanty, primitive clothing and, under the impression he's one of the "indigenous peoples" delegates, escorts him into the General Assembly. There he spies the Scepter of Power, brilliantly disguised as a microphone on the rostrum, and gets it after a brief scuffle. Casualties: forty-seven dead, including some guy from Arkansas who was addressing the chamber at the time. (The remaining delegates soon vote to relocate the UN to Bosnia, where it's safer.)
The Ring in her possession, Xena heads south for Wall Street, passing through The New Times Square(tm) on her way. She spots the new Disney Theater, and what name is right there on the marquee? "Hercules"! It takes a while for her to learn she's been fooled -- and then she gets mad. Casualties: fourteen slaughtered messily. The kids loved it.
Conan is first to the New York Stock Exchange. Again he is escorted inside, this time by traders thinking he's doing a publicity stunt for an initial public offering for Planet Hollywood. He snatches the Diamond of Wealth from the ostentatious ring of a pit trader, not even bothering to kill the guy. Casualties: a 110-point drop in the Dow Jones. Analysts blame it on rising international tensions in the wake of the UN massacre.
He heads north, crossing paths with Xena in the middle of Greenwich Village. What do the inhabitants do, seeing this buff beefcake and these leather ladies? Suffice it to say, things get ugly. Xena must rescue Gabrielle from a bevy of biker babes, not noticing someone picking her pocket in the process. Casualties: in the hundreds, and the world of pretentious art never really recovers.
Neither does Xena, as Conan makes it to the Empire State Building with the pilfered ring and all his other loot. Xena is still blocks away when the top of the skyscraper erupts in flame, as Conan heads back to his Hyborean homeland.
Don't feel sorry for Xena and Gabrielle, though. They'll adjust fine. Remember, they spoke better Modern English two thousand years ago than most New Yorkers do today.
- Call me Shane
Attractive athletic women are really cool.
Attractive athletic women with swords are incredibly cool.
I voted for Xena.
- Big B
- Tony
You also can't overestimate the power of Conan to beat all defense systems and thieve with the best of them. He can climb walls where there are no cracks visible to the naked eye. He can creep silently across floors and leap over chasms (or alleys). He has beaten vicious deathtraps sparked by magic runes. He also has no problem with slitting the throats of the guards or innocent passersby he'll come across. (Are there any innocents in NYC?)
Xena will probably go to the local authorities and try to work out a solution. Conan will BE the local authority before too long. Xena dies.
- Crom
Everyone knows that in situations like this, the two heroes will first meet, then have a misunderstanding and start fighting each other. After a while, they will realize they should work together, and will then team up to accomplish their goals. Unfortunately, there's a slight problem here. I see the meeting going something like the following:
Xena sees Conan and realizes he must be after the artifacts as well. Being a sporting Warrior Princess, she will let out one of her annoying shrieks before moving to the attack with a patented jump-flip (TM). Conan will give her a puzzled look, and then chop her head off. So much for Xena. Gabrielle, being a natural born sidekick, will then team up with Conan, and there won't be any room for debate about the true nature of *their* relationship, if you catch my drift. Conan will then take his time collecting the treasure, and will leave Gabrielle stranded in NY when he travels back in time. Gabrielle will be left alone in the big city, waiting for Marc Singer to wander through the portals of time, at which point she can take out Kari Wuehrer and resume her role as sexually charged sidekick. Everyone's happy, except for Xena and the producers of her series, who are left with lame wannabe shows like Sinbad.
- Doug Turnbull
[This one gets my vote for best Beastmaster(TM) reference. Beastmaster rules! (Dave)]
"Do you find me beautiful?" she asked.
"As dawn running naked on the snow," Conan growled.
"Great," replied the goddess before him.CLANG!! The chakram bounced off Conan's hormone-befuddled noggin. End of story.
- Robert E. Howard
- Mike (mike@softwarezone.com)
- Christian
Also, bear in mind that while Xena may have taken on Hercules a few times (without winning)....Conan has battled Thor, Captain America, and several other Marvel supertypes whose names elude me, and come out on top. (At the end of the Thor team-up, he even climbs Crom's mountain to have it out with the big mountain-man himself, albeit armed with Thor's hammer which only dieties are supposed to be able to wield.)
Conan **always** gets the win, the girl, and the treasure,...which he then usually wines and wenches away in short order. Xena is in way over her head with this one. Conan is the winner by a full yard of cold, Hyrkanian steel!
- THE Conan authority....Doc B
- Spank me, Mr. Pickett!
Quote:
GIRL: There's six against one Conan! CONAN: (pauses) One...two...three...four...five...six. I believe you're right.or...
GIRL: I suppose nothing hurts you Conan. CONAN: Only pain.
Face it, this guy couldn't find his head with both hands. Hopefully, he'll be able to set up a nice gym and make a living in Brooklyn as a fitness instructor after Xena (who's figured out a number of obscure maps in her day) has claimed the artifacts and zipped home to Merry Olde Greece, or wherever it is she's supposed to live.
- Mea
1. Conan the first and best barbarian. How many books and movies has he had made about him? Xena and a cheap television series. Come on.
2. Xena is female. The only useful females from the barbarian era are the virgins that get sacrificied or the ones that have to be rescued or avenged. Get two of them together and they couldn't organise a root in a brothol (outfits clashing, PMT/moody, sitting down to talk about their relationship and how they can work things out). Conan just gets on with it.
3. Conan has visited America before in previous lives (or is that later lives). Terminator I & II, Kindergarten Cop, Last Action Hero, Commando, to name a few...
4. Picture this. A mugger sees Conan and Xena walking down the street. Who will he/she pick on. Only an ABSOLUTE IDIOT would pick a fight with Mr Universe himself.
"Give me your wallet, I have a knife"
Hack, slash, cut, bite scratch, wedgie, hack, slash
"I have sword - I win"Muggers run away from guys with Bowie knifes (Crocodile Dundee). What are they going to do when they see the two handed sword. Xena will be so held up with guys trying to pick her up or mug her, it will take days to get anywhere.
5. No matter what happens - "I'll Be Back"
- Eddo
-Psyko
- Denis Moskowitz
Finally, Gabrielle winds up in Central Park, where she comes upon some hippies who offer her some "good stuff." She soon is living with a man who uses the expression "totally spiritual" so much that he is arrested for being a bad stereotype and put in the same overcrowded prison that houses murderers. When he is released, he has become a right-wing gun nut, and she is on the talk show circuit talking about how Xena abused her.
America -- Ain't it great?
- Joshua Galun
I predict a win on Xena's behalf, though. I predict that she'll merely wait at the exit point of this contest, perhaps having Gabrielle drop off subtle hints for Conan, leading him like a dog to fetch the objects. Then, once Conan, with the assembled machine, tries to exit...FZZZZZZZZTT *fffcckt!* *thop* A certain chakram connects with a certain head. Game over man.
Moral of the story: Whenever possible, make others do your work for you.
-Raajin
Getting caught on a giant nail in Eraser didn't stop him, switching universes in Last Action Hero didn't matter, ditto for suffering decompression on Mars, or a small nuclear self-destruct mechanism on a Predator. I'd like to see Xena try even one of these!! Heck she can't even stay on a horse for a Tonight Show sketch, let alone command 8 figure salaries after making several mega-duds in a row.
Conan wins easy.
- The Mad Statistician
- Web Pilgrim
Strength: Conan bench-presses Buicks, Xena couldn't bench-press a small dog. This may not seem important, but they have to carry this laser to the top of the Empire State Building, and we all know that the elevators will be out of order. Advantage: Conan.
Moral Fiber: Conan is all about greed. Xena is a do-gooder. Advantage: Xena.
Historical Prescedant: The Greeks (Xena) were conquered by the Romans, stupid frisbees or not. The Romans were conquered by the Barbarians. Advantage: Conan.
Experience: Conan was pursued by wolves and learned to live in a wasteland (not quite as dangerous as New York). Xena lives in a pleasant and politically correct revisionist Greece. Advantage: Conan.
THE RAGE(TM): Conan saw his parents and love-interest murdered. Xena has had a bad hair-day. Advantage: Conan.
Role Models: Conan's role models are people who loot, pillage, and rape for a hobby. Xena's, and all of Greece's for that matter, is Lord Byron, a sphylitic pedaphile. Advantage: Conan.
Adaptability: Ever see Last Action Hero(TM)? In the Hamlet sequence, one moment Conan is fighting with his sword, and the next he's effortlessly slaughtering guards with a submachine gun. Xena has a frisbee. Advantage: Conan.
Sidekicks: Conan doesn't have a sidekick. They distract the hero. Xena's Sidekick will get into trouble around Times Square. Advantage: Conan.
Philosophy: What is best in life? Conan: To crush your enemies. To see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. Xena: To wright wrongs. Advantage: Conan (who can disagree with that?)
Track Record: Conan killed James Earl Jones, the voice of FREAKIN' DARTH VADER!!!! Xena kills people in rubber suits. Advantage: Conan (though Vader would whup his ass in a rematch.)
Conan: 9 Xena: 1
Conan heads out into the city, using his ruthless powers of intimidation and survival to find the objects of his quest. Using brute force and barbarian cunning, he subdues his foes, and heads towards the Empire State Building, where he finds Xena waiting for him. Conan sneers, and proceeds to cut her to shreds. Probably not her sidekick, because Conan likes blonds, and probably feels in need for a little princess. Amen.
- The Right Reverend Billy Bob Joeseph
This is Hollywood, man, and Arnie will not be denied!
- The Bunyip
Locale aside, you have the man, the steriod pumping, no neck, monolithical, Mensa candidate, that after 20 or so years in Hollywood, still has an accent that is so bad, it sounds like a peach imspediment. Then you have the woman, who can't sing the national anthem without showing her nipples to a national audience. Who has the number one syndicated shows in Germany. (Shows the intelligence of the Germans. More proof? Two words, David Hasselhoff.) And who probably has several dozen newsgroups like Alt.sex.xena (I have no idea if this site exists, I swear to God.) that are devoted entirely to people obsessing with her. Conan has Fans, Xena has Fanatics.
But, Conan has what I think is the clinching factor. He attends the Braveheart School of Acting. He's out there ripping out horns, chopping off limbs, sticking spears through people, and bathing in their blood, while Xena is spinning around throwing kicks, punches, and her metal Aerobie.(TM) More blood, My vote. Conan wins.
- Jeff the Barbie-ian
- Kosh the Zima Drinking Vorlon
In a drag race between a '71 Hemi 'Cuda and a '97 Mustang GT, the 'Cuda would be at the end of the 1/4-mile before the Mustang driver could get the clutch fully engaged.
This is no contest. Conan all the way. However, if we gave Xena a little nitrous oxide...
- Super Dave
- balckadder
- Flarg the Invincible
End of Story.
- ** Heller
Naturally, ego-driven Conan/Ahhh-nuld proceeds to show off his biceps, triceps, pecks, etc., etc., ad nauseum (literally) and make passes at the two females. Xena saunters over, checks Conan out, teases Conan with a few kisses, hugs, sweet-nothings...
WHACKWHACK -- gaaaak!
"OH, I'm SO sorry...I've just cut off the supply of blood to your brain (lack of a brain notwithstanding, but you get my point)...you'll be dead in seconds unless I free you...SEE YA!
AYAYAYAYAYAYAY-YAAAAAAY!!!!!!"Off she trots...along with the annoying (although I will admit drop-dead gorgeous) blonde sidekick to tour NYC, off the so-called guardians (probably a NYC cab driverr, a mugger, a drug dealer, an international terrorist already on a death wish, or Howard Stern), retrieve the weapon, and return to Greece for another exciting battle with Callisto (nuts to Hercules...let him go).
Xena before the Prologue is even half-finished.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
One might think that Xena would hold the advantage here; with her sidekick's awesome interpersonal skills, surely they should be able to convince even the surliest non-english speaking cabbie to take them to these various NYC destinations. But what Xena doesn't know is that *every* NYC cab driver's life is a whirlpool of troubles and problems. After Nabil gets through telling her about how he had to leave his family in Afghanistan and how bad his apartment is and how sad he is, they will be busy trying to solve all of his insoluble dilemmas.
Meanwhile Conan will merely brandish his sword and grunt. This will get a definite response: cabbies respect force and strength. Conan will be laughing all the way back to Hyperboria while Xena is entagled in class action suits against the INS.
- Paco Picopiedra
Much to my dismay, I must sadly cast my vote for Xena,My reasoning is as follows: We have borne sad witness to Conan's descent from a Crom loving, head chopping, gem stealing ass kicker to girly woman fighter.
If we are to take the films that Conan has appeared in as the most recent events in his continuity, we see that from Conan II, where he had much too tough a time defeating a lame sorcereress and her poorly constructed animatronic minion, followed then by what can only be called a pathetic encounter with Red Sonja, we see a hero who is headed for the chump pile. In Red Sonja, we see the reason why he is destined to lose- Facing off against a woman whose swordfighting skills are superceded in suckiness only to her acting ability, Conan had a terribly tough time fighting her. Brigitte Nielson (who, by the way, could not even fend off attacks from chump hubby Mark Gastineau) was able to keep Conan at bay for and even make him sweat. Not to mention that with the appearance in Red Sonja, we see that Conan had taken to dressing like a sissy.
Now, its not as if I'm saying Xena is the end all and be all of girl-fighters, but she could surely put the proverbial smack down on Sonja. Much like Mike Tyson, Conan is sadly past his viscious prime, and Xena, like Buster Doufglas, could easily take him, provided that he is as we last left him- a fop in a vest who couldn't spank Sly Stallone's old flame.
- Josh "Tells em like he sees 'em" D.
The Museum of Natural History - this is an incredibly stuffy academic
institution, staffed to the brim with candy-assed, dimple-buttocked
crunchy intellectuals. Even the security guards are all volunteers,
mostly senior citizens - none of Museum personnel are any challenge
for either team. Aside from encountering the Guardian of the "Ring of
Power," the one genuine menace are the screaming hordes of children on
field trips, accompanied by plump teachers with glazed eyes and an
earnest-but-doomed (tm) desire to fulfill under-privileged young
minds. Ive noticed that these precious children have all sorts of
charming habits: taunting handicapped visitors as they pass, screaming
obscenities at elderly people, and (my favorite) kicking baby
strollers when parents arent looking. With any luck, both Conan and
Xen-brielle will leave those marble halls thick with cerebro-spinal
fluid and the inarticulate groans of the dying. Both teams have equal
odds of success here.
The Stock Exchange is where the odds are heavily in Conans favor.
Who works in the pit? Hundreds of white Frat boys with eight
testicles, surging with machismo, sports-fan camaraderie, and hearty
aggression towards anything remotely different from them. These guys
will immediately respect Conan as a fellow jock, and will not only
help him defeat the dangerous Guardian but will buy him a beer and
make sure he gets a farewell hummer from the coke-addict (tm)
secretary down in precious metals. After Xena enters in all her
bisexual glory, it will be about 1.5 seconds before some guy slaps her
ass and all hell breaks loose. Im sure Xena and Gabrielle will
triumph, but itll take a lot out of them - those suburban buzz-cut
Stock Exchange boys used to play lacrosse/football, so they wont be
total pushovers like the punks at the museum. Xena will be hacking
her way through power-suspenders all afternoon, while Conan saunters
away with the prize with a smile on his face.
The UN is the least difficult challenge of all. Both teams look so
weird the cops wont even go near them, assuming they are just
eccentric diplomats or costumed performer at another "Please dont
point out that were ineffective" UN cultural event (usually involving
singing children in festive native garb). Odds are the UN wont even
be in session, and that most of the diplomats will be out driving
drunk or shoplifting trinkets from Bloomingdales. Conan snags the
"Scepter of Power" and maintains his lead.
Xenas big chance to catch up occurs at the Empire State Building, as
Conan is probably too dumb to operate the elevators properly at first.
Furthermore, expecting Conan to assemble anything is pretty
unlikely prospect. If it werent for all the German tourists who
perpetually visit the Empire State Building, Conan would still be
fumbling around with all three items when Xena arrived. However,
sensing his mysteriously Teutonic nature, German tourists will quickly
assemble the device and send Conan back to his flea-bitten past just
before Xena arrives on the scene. Xena will probably be pretty pissed
and kill all of them, as the "German Tourist Meeting Violent Death In
USA" law of physics will combine with her own fury, dooming them.
Xena and Gabrielle may shed a few tears, but before long will be
happily adjusted to their new life in a world of dental care and
processed cheese. My guess is they will join ACT UP, put on about 75
pounds each, and settle down to a long, happy life together.
- W. F.
- Bucko
This in itself is not such a bad thing.
The bad thing is that with so many of their precious diplomats dead,
the embassies now have a perennial guilt trip to lay on the city of
New York. In concession to the U.N., Rudy Giuliani is forced to back
off on his crusade over unpaid parking tickets...Manhatten is plunged
into gridlock as horny diplomats park with immunity all over Times
Square.
Conan is a beat-down, kick-ass, greased lighting, can of whoop-ass
barbarian...but no way he can take 11 million irate New Yorkers.
Arnold meets his demise squished under a pretzel cart.
Mmm...pretzels.
- Brian Kutner
- Kelly Doyle
On a happier note, Xena and Gabriele grow accustomed to their banishment
and move to San Fransisco, and join the Women's Golf Tour.
- Josh the Barbarian
- Dana
Xena has the edge only because the show allows it's characters to have
Star-Trek-like(TM) values. Xena and company can adapt and handle
nearly every situation that comes up (no matter how amazing) with
aplomb, sensitivity, understading, cultural awareness and good hygine.
Conan comes from the Old School. Back in the day, barbarian wasn't
just a word they used when you wore a lot of leather. You had to
rape, pillage, burn and generally be a Not-Nice-Person(TM). Although
Conan doesn't epitomize the original spirit of this Barbarian
Ethic(TM) (as layed down by the likes of Atilla the Hun); he leaves
the politically correct Xena looking as barbaric as Hello Kitty(TM).
This is why Conan will end up being detained by the police when he
tries to rampage through some modern-day obstacle that he can't
explain in terms beyond the superstitious. Meanwhile Xena will go
about finding each item while spending little time mucking about with
the backdrop of 20th century Manhattan.
- phorce phed
Meanwhile, Xena finds her way to the U.N., which is guarded by the
Ayatollah of Iran. A "powerful guardian" in one sense, but not too
skilled in hand-to-hand combat. Xena turns him into shish kebab. Xena
1, Conan 0.
Conan invokes Ah-nuld Rule (TM) #1: Arnold always has a gun, even
if he lost his gun a few scenes ago. He forces a cabbie to take him to
the Stock Exchange. There he finds his evil opponent: the head of the
IRS. This horrible creature seems to spell Conan's demise, as no
earthly weapon can harm him. However, Conan distracts him by throwing
a nickel into a nearby pond, and as the evil IRS man, overtaken by his
greed, dives in after it, Conan walks inside unharmed.
Seeing no other way to navigate the dreaded Pit of the Stock
Exchange, Conan invokes Ah-nuld Rules (TM) 2 and 3:
2. Ah-nuld never runs out of bullets.
3. Ah-nuld never gets remotely harmed by any enemy if the
enemy is in a group of number greater than 1.
Conan shoots up the place, sparing not a single soul. Conan 1, Xena 1.
The two parties arrive at the Natural Museum of History at the same
time. However, neither Conan nor Xena has faced an opponent nearly as
strong, neaerly as terrible, as the one that awaits them now: a
Jurassic Park Velociraptor (TM), or, more importantly, a Monster
Composed of Fairly Realistic Special Effects (TM). As our commentators
pointed out indirectly, neither Xena nor Conan has seen this before,
so they decide to team up and defeat it together. Xena and Gabrielle
kill it, but they can only do it after Conan says, "You're extinct," a
witty catch phrase that now works since we have reached the climax of
the story. The phrase renders the dinosaur vulnerable to even the most
puny weapon, which that frisbee is, by the way. Xena and Gabrielle,
since they did the dirty work, take the treasure, so they lead, 2 to 1.
Their scavenger hunt is over, and Conan and his two new friends are
now famous throughout New York (news travels fast). They decide to go
take in a Yankees game, where Xena is asked to sing the national
anthem. Xena subsequently gets arrested for indecent exposure (I don't
have to give every detail, do I?), Conan takes Xena's two treasures,
and he becomes our Scavenger Hunt Champion (TM).
- taylor
- Locke
- Michael Leung, http://www.mikeleung.com/journal/index.html
Xena will meet All The Right People (tm) and it's downhill from
there. Her new trader friend ("he's some kind of merchant, isn't
he?") will wisk her down to the NYSE in his limo. The metal detectors
will pose no problems for her rubber sword. She'll have the diamond
and be off before the real bloodbath begins at the 9:30 open. [By the
way, there is no pit at the NYSE. Pits are for keeping commodities
traders from escaping and injuring the public. Securities traders are
ALLOWED to injure the public.]
Xena's new diplomatic friends will eager to help. She's already
demonstrated that she has no interest in ruling. Diplomats LOVE
military people who don't stage coups. A quick resolution in the U.N.
general assembly and Xena will have the Scepter. Of course, quick IS
a relative term. Xena WILL have to endure 8 hours of content-free
debate to get the scepter. No matter, Xena's next appointment isn't
until 8:00 pm.
Her new socialite friends will get her an invite for a benefit held at
the American Museum of Natural History. The dinosaurs guarding the
treasure might have been a problem, but Xena has an ace up her sleeve
(well ... it's hidden somewhere). Any one who knows anything about
New York society knows that more than a few of Xena's new socialite
friends have to be dinosaurs themselves. The dinosaurs cancel out,
and Xena can grab the ring and move on.
This is the tough part. All of Xena's new firends will abandon her
when they hear she's going to the Empire State building. "It's so
declasse, dear." Even the aliens had it identified as the starting
point for an extensive urban renewal project. Fortunately, the base
jumpers will ignore Xena, and the odd gun crazed immigrant can be
easily dispatched with her bronze Aerobie [TM] (it is NOT a frisbee!).
Xena will easily assemble the Laserblast of the Ancients (which
actually just calls a Limousine service to JFK). Xena and Gabrielle
will be sipping champagne in their first class seats back to ancient
Greece while Conan pages through volumes of mug books filled with
pictures of dissolute, wealthy New York youths.
- R'lyeh
- Whoever, whenever, whatever.
surely a woman couldn't beat a man, but then look at those boobs.
- David
Xena, with her sidekick, will enter the dreaded 'Pit' of the New
York Stock Exchange. Even being guarded as it is, Xena has no trouble
snatching the Diamond of Wealth thanks to her annoying sidekick, who
bored the guard to death with meaningless chatter about the weather.
Conan, on the other hand barely makes it into the United Nations and
out again alive with the Scepter of Power. As a result of power being
intoxicating, Conan is dead drunk by the time he reaches the American
Museum of Natural History. Xena arrives at the same time as Conan, and
(since everyone knows that with wealth comes power) is also dead
drunk. The guardian of the Ring of Wisdom, on seeing them drunk on
power laughs until he chokes on his own spit and dies on the spot.
Now, because both contestants are drunk, and drunk people do stuff
they might never do sober(just ask a friend of mine), they begin to
engage in some behavior that might have made an illegitimate child had
they not been so drunk. Gabrielle, who is rather shocked(not to
mention enlightened) at this behavior, choses leave both contestants
in New York, where the sort of behavior they are engaging in is
common, if not actually encouraged. She takes all three items and
leaves Xena and Conan together, where, after regaining their senses,
they realize what they've been doing and kill themselves.
- Vicman
Xena: Xena only has some rather shitty television writers backing
her up, so although she can pull out the stupid plot devices, she
can't count on anyone else famous to back her up.
Conan: Conan, however, has some really impressive writers writing
about him: his original writer, a whole pile of aspiring SF/F writers
in pulp magazines, etc. Of these aspiring SF/F writers who wrote Conan
books (7!) was one who was already marginally respected in some other
writing fields, James Oliver Rigney, Jr., better known as ROBERT
JORDAN, who later wrote what is possibly the longest (and best)
fantasy series in history.
The way that I see it: Xena is involved in rather stupid plot
twists, which her writers hope to resolve tidily in an hour, including
commercials, but they can't, due to the interference of Conan. Conan,
however, used to being the protagonist of something written by RJ, has
learned the virtue of PATIENCE, and is able to wait until Xena
collapses after her 1hour time limit of being a warrior princess. He
grabs all the stuff, he goes home, he survives.
Conan, in three hours.
- BOOKBEAST
But some things Paul said convinced me to vote for Xena:
1 -- Although it's true that stainless steel frisbees are generally
gimmicks, they're often effective gimmicks. For example, James Bond
was able to use one bad guy's stainless steel frisbee-hat as a quick-
means-of-escape(tm) in the film classic "Dr. No." Xena's weapon will
probably be sufficient for this Grudge Match(tm) but not for any
sequels.
2 -- The intelligence factor. I still remember "Commando" as being
the most insipid movie I've ever seen. I lost brain cells just by
watching it. Actually acting in it must have rendered
Schwartzenegger into an eggplant. Xena, on the other hand, must
survive on her brains -- she definitely doesn't have the brawn.
Although she looks like she could beat up a museum curator, she
definitly will have to use strategy to avoid getting stampeded in the
NYSE Pit.
3. Xena has the advantage of a sidekick. Everyone knows it's the
sidekicks who come up with all the good ideas if the hero gets
stumped. When Conan gets frustrated, he'll only be able to get angry
and vent his frustration by hacking Wall Street Executives to pieces.
After taking out a SWAT team or two, Conan will be overpowered by the
National Guard while Xena and Gabrielle skip to victory.
- Sean Ransom
- Drifter
Sorbo dies, Xena gets married, and the Action Pack spinoffs are taken off the air (and there was much rejoicing).
- Phil
It's been so long since I've seen a Conan movie. Even then it was the
second one, I think. So unless this Conan isn't limited to the movies,
Xena's the clear victor.
But let's touch on the guest star factor[TM], shall we?
And lastly, didn't you know Xena already fought and won this battle
several years ago?!
Yep, she got the rocks and left, while Conan was traped in NY,
adopted the surname "O'Brian", and got a kickin' late night talk show.
- DICK
Still, for the sake of arguement, we'll assume Xena is looking for
a workout today, and decides to take out Conan with her superb
swordsmanship and martial arts ability, instead of just lobbing the
chakra at the Empire State Building and waiting for it to split
Conan's skull open. The simple fact is Conan will fall in love with
Xena, just as every man (and apparently quite a few women) that meets
her does. This will weaken and distract Conan cutting away his
resolve, and it will just annoy Xena making her fight even harder.
As for your claim that Xena can be distracted, not a chance my
friend. Xena use to command dark armies that pillaged most of Asia
Minor, and that side of her still lurks beneath her new benevolent
exterior. She can be utterly ruthless if she has to, and tends to be
absolutely merciless when committed to something. And remember what
Xena is fighting for, a weapon to defeat Callisto. As a mega Callisto
fan, I know one thing, whenever she is going up against Callisto, Xena
fights ten times as harder, is ten times smarter, and a hundred times
more dedicated. Xena always finds a way to defeat Callisto, no matter
what the odds (to my continued frustration), and this match is just a
warmup to the real battle that is to come with our beloved Goddess of
Battle. Hail Callisto!!!
And then there is that irritating blonde (even if it looks to me
like she has redhair). Although at times she can be a little
annoying, Gabrielle is also pretty damn resourceful. Most likely Xena
will have Gabby go and find the various parts of the weapon (something
Gabrielle will be good at), while she hunts down Conan and frees us
from yet another insipid barbarian (something she is good at). With
the ability to split up and both do what they are best at, there is no
way Xena and Gabrielle can lose.
- Brendan W. Guy
So in the end it will be a direct conflict of some sort between
Conan and Xena. Yet we know that they can’t battle it out with
swords nor frisbees. What does this leave? Lust! Our hosts have
discussed Conan’s passion, but have neglected Xena’s. We, if lucky,
will have one great love in our lives. But Xena? We’ve lost count.
Let’s see, there’s Marcus, there’s Alexander the Great, there’s her
old lieutenant that fathered her son. I won’t get into the Gabrielle
thing here. 8) Lord knows how many there are. It seems that Xena
can’t help resist falling madly in love with any guy with a sword
and good intentions (except, for now, Joxter).
So where does this leave us? Well, while Conan at best leaves a
variety of diseases behind him, Xena makes her lovers into better
people. So in the end while she seduces tall dark and barbaric
she’ll be slipping the last piece to Gabrielle. The only question
is whether Xena will poignantly stay behind, or poignantly leave
Conan behind to join the leather crowd.
- Lemming
Why??? The answer is in the method of transportation. Xena will
be able to hail a cab faster than Conan because of her eye-catching
outfit. Conan, on the other hand, will have a slightly harder time
due to his atire, eventhough you don't need pants to hail a cab in NYC
(this is true!!!). Once in the cab, Xena will say "to the Museum of
Natural History," and the cabbie, sensing that he is driving
out-of-towners, will drive in circles.
Upon entering his cab, Conan drivles "I waaaaahnt Museeeeum go."
Azheem the driver doesn't understand what the hell he's saying. Conan
becomes frustrated and draws his Atlantian sword. "Cwrom, I have
nevewr pwrayed to you befowre......." Azheem's eyes light up. "You
know Crom? Then I suppose you know the 'Riddle of Steel' too then."
Discovering that their both from Aquilonia, Azheem and Conan hit it
off great and pick up the three magic pieces and return home.
Xena gets a job working in an S+M club and she and Gabriella end up
living together in a house on Long Island, nextdoor to none other
than.......Joey Buttafucco.
- wubzert
And what about that dumb metal Frisbee? When you throw a Frisbee, you have
to run and get it if no one's there to throw it back. In the episodes I've
seen, it always somehow comes back to her. How much is that going to happen
in real life?
- IceBeast9 - http://members.aol.com/icebeast9/dessert.html
Conan gets stuck trying to make himself understood while Xena incises a bloody swathe across the city as she visits Kiwi righteousness on the heathens who hold the precious relics of Hyborean triumph. The RAGE(tm) conquers all again.
- DM
Witness the unfortunate Lucy Lawless. Tanned and buff? Yes,
certainly, but remember this is the same person who recently
fractured her pelvis in an equestrian misadventure while taping
for Leno's Tonight Show (TM). The official word is "full
recovery" but inside sources are still whispering "4-point
walker." Perhaps a bit overstated, but I still doubt Xena
could even attempt any of her stunning high kicks without a
healthy dose of Vicodin.
Yet the Warrior Princess is the epitome of robust health when
compared to the Barbarian. Arnold "2 days out from the ICU"
Schwarzenegger is now status-post open heart surgery. Conan
cannot even laugh without busting open his sternal suture
wires, let alone go up against an admittedly gimpish Xena.
This Teutonic Titan will waste precious time searching for his
bottle of nitroglycerin pills while the competition seeks out
the artifact. Conan the Destroyer? I think not. More like
Conan the Cardiac Cripple.
Highest probability scenario: A pained and grimacing Xena
performs CPR on blue-lipped Conan while Gabrielle handily
recovers artifact. Advantage to the Warrior and Bard.
- Dr. Quinn
Xena, screamer extraordinare, ballerina, bloodthirsty warrior, frisbee
thrower of the year, and one of the best thieves in history is
compeating in a thievery contest again Conan, screamer extraordinare,
big dumb rock inpersonator, bloodthirsty warrior, spear chucker of the
year and one of the best thieves in history.
Right?
Zena always wins by scaring her opponents to death with the Harpy
imitation.
Conan always wins by being uglier than anything his opponents throw
his way.
End Result:
Zena gets killed by Conan when she refuses to shut up.
Conan gets killed by anti-tank rounds when he wanders into the wrong
end of town.
Gabrielle uses those interpersonal skills for profit on Time Square.
Autolycus ends up with the loot, being the best thief in history.
- Hawke
Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy, and Frank Gifford are in a limo driving
passed Central park when a pair beautiful women run passed their car.
The three male celebrities instantly take notice of Xena's brass
plated breasts and assume that she and Gabrielle are some kind of
"working girl" tag team. After being propositioned, Xena turns the
three men into just another large bloody stain on the streets of NYC.
Xena's action inspires all the prostitutes in New York to take up arms
and come to her aid. There's no way Conan can beat odds like that.
Conan gives up his quest, starts bodybuilding, moves to Hollywood,
makes a few bad movies, and marries Maria Schriver (sp?).
- Player
Conan, charming fellow that he is, claims the title
"Barbarian." Colloquially, the term "Barbarian" refers to those who
are crude, uncultured, obnoxious, and completely able to pop six-packs
of whup-ass like peanut M&Ms(tm). The Conster comes from a proud and
time-honored tradition of uncivilized dullards waving big, shiny,
sharp pieces of metal. Hell, remember that little "Fall of the Roman
Empire" thing? That was barbarians, baby, all the way. And
don't even tempt me to bring up Thundarr.
Then, of course, we have Xena. What's her moniker, you say?
"Warrior Princess." Dear Crom, guys- that's like some reject spinoff
of She-Ra or something. Her greatest weapons? An upturned pie plate,
uvulation, and a bimbo pacifist with a curtain rod. Ewwwwww... I'm
soooooo scared!! Her act might do well in Vegas opening for Sigfried
and Roy (they're masters of the impossible, you know), but we're
talking the Big Apple(tm) here. (And if I had I dime for every tourist
who approached me claiming to be a "warrior princess...")
My point? Conan is a badass BARBARIAN, Xena is simply
underdressed royalty with a cast-iron bra. In Manhattan, only one of
these two types of people consistently thrives. Ever take the 9
uptown during rush hour on a hot Friday evening? Hells Bells, my
friends- Barbarians run New York City.
- Tengu:
- Mike
a) Conan is male. Males can't find the tv remote control if it has
been moved.
b) Xena has the cool letter 'X' in her name. And since 'X' marks the
spot, Xena must win. (See previous Grudge Matches for the 'X' factor,
(Scooby-Doo lost out the X-Files remember....))
- GS
As for the rage, Conan was really only driven by revenge against
Whats his name, who is now dead. Apart from that he seems to have
a light-hearted freebooter attertude. On the other hand, Xena seems
to have something against the Universe.
As for the Babe Factor, I leave the advantage as an exercise for the
reader.
Hence the winner is clearly Xena, who will be back in ancient New
Zealand in an hour and a half, while Conan will take up a profitable
career in professional wrestling.
- Bruce.
- John "Chris you need to spell it Kamikaze" N.
[Wouldn't it be more difficult and thus require more skill to beat
up the bad guys with a sword and *NOT* kill any of them? Just a thought.
- Paul]
Xena and Gabrielle triumph in a shutout. Afterwards, they realize their true feelings for one another and submit to their homoerotic impulses in a wild, celebratory sex-fest. I give it two thumbs up.
- Schooly
- RIZZO
As a native New Yorker with lots of experience at all three of the
organizations mentioned, I have to come down on Conan's side. For he
sake of argument, Ill assume that Xena/Gabrielle and Conan are
equally matched in terms of killing power and locating objects, but
heres why Conan has a better chance of winning:
Xena has no, i reapeat for emphasis, NO! chance here. As we have seen
in many other matches in the past(which you may look up at your own
time), it is not merely Xena vs. Conan, but it is a far more
involved match, best stated perhaps as The experiences of the
Chick Who Plays Xena Vs. The the Experience of Arnie. Arnie has
TONS of experience not only as Conan, but also as the Terminator,
as the genius from Twins, as a commando, as a Ruskie cop, as a super
villian against Batman, as a pregnant man, as a spy, as a prisoner,
and as an interplanetary spy as well. Xena has experience as, well,
as Xena. Conan in 7.34 milliseconds.
Man...I feel so bad about this...Conan would have won, except for the
one piece located in the United Nations. Conan, with his bachelor's
degree in Barbarian, would not understand the myriad of languages
spoken at the U.N., and would (unfortunately) mistake all of the
diplomats for witches and wizards, and kill them all.
One very important factor seems to have been overlooked. I've done
some research and found that The Beastmaster(TM) is, at the time of
this match, vacationing in his old hangout of Manhattan (last seen
in Beastmaster II). Xena, with her feminine charms, will be able to
outwit the brain-dead Beastmaster into joining her side faster than
you can say "Ellen Degeneres". With his army of animal followers,
all of which are smarter than Conan himself, this new team will easily
defeat the barbarian. Kodo and Podo will deal the killing blows to
Conan while he tries to defeat the army of snakes in the New York
Stock Exchange.
Obviously, it has to be Conan. The statistics proove that people born
in bad enviorments have more motivation for success. (Rocky,
for example) Also, Conan's macho barbarism is a clear advantage over
the soft, inbred greeks who ate grapes and made naked statues all day.
While Xena and Gabriel are exploring their relationship and thinking
deep thoughts (lather, rinse, repeat), Conan will be happily jaunting
all over town, collecting the prizes, killing the fearsome
guardians (fat security guards armed with whiffle bats) and sleeping
with eight local prostitutes at a time.
Both of your arguments are intrueging, but you both forgot the
biggest issue of all: the Babe Factor(TM)!! Xena is a Mondo Babe (TM),
so cool that she even appeals to females. Conan is a muscle-head freak
who only appeals to narcissistic body-builder scary-type chics. My
guess is that Xena uses her Feminine Powers(TM) to distract Conan, and
while he's drooling, Gabrielle manages (with no help whatsoever from
Jaxer) to get the three pieces. Xena races to the Empire State
Building. Conan gives chase, but is useless in running because he is
pure bulk and no stamina. Callisto is so much charcoal in less than
half an hour. The Power, The Beauty, The Passion, it's Xena all the
way.
While I voted for Conan, I must admit that he has little chance of
winning.
The key here has to be transportation. Neither side has any money
to speak of. While Xena and Gabrielle can use those "interpersonal
skills," as you guys so accurately put it, to at least get a few cab
rides or something, Conan will be left in the gutter doing the only
thing he knows how: saying witty catch phrases like "you're luggage"
and "hasta la vista, baby" and "you're fired" (Eraser, T2, True
Lies) and all the other ones that I forgot, but this does him no good,
since we have not reached the critical point in the story yet.
The essence of this contest is speed. Whoever gets the pieces first
wins. Now Xena is a hip show with modern references, double entendres and
character driven plots. In short, a lot of dialogue slowing down the
action. Conan is a barbarian. And as his creator Robert E. Howard said, the
great thing about a barbarian is you never have to think of something
clever for them to do- they just charge in with their swords.
Speed advantage, and therefore the contest, to Conan.
I think Dave's "moon and New York City" comment only works against
him. As Manhatten is home to Howard Stern, the gay pride parade, and
The New York Post, there is no better setting for two time-travelling
barbarian lesbian chicks. If he speaks English, Conan wouldn't even
make a good New York cab driver.
I've always been a big Conan fan, and I certainly thought that Ahnuld
was great for the role. I was particularly pleased at the way the
role stretched his English skills and made him grow as an actor.
But, lets face it chickies, Conan is in trouble. He just doesn't have
the skills for New York. Why, he didn't even bring a personal
assistant! While Conan is getting drunk with and stabbed by teenagers
at the lake in Central Park, Gabrielle will be booking Xena into
Chantarelle and Aureole.
The obvious victor will be Xena, she has but to bear her breasts as
she did while singing the Star Spangeled Banner for the beginning of
the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Conan will be so overcome with lust for
Xena that Gabrielle will be able to come up some simple yet effective
plan to render Conan about as dangerous as an overcooked squash.
This one is tough for us male pigs.score:
penis 10
brain 0
one vote for the warrior princess.
OK..This worthy(?) match-up will proceed as follows:
Welllll, from the commentary and what I know about both these
leather&metal clad warriors (A fair amount), they seem not only fairly
evenly matched, it looks like one on one is going to be a deadlock.
They're both going to arrive at each site at the same time, they're
going to try to fight, they're going to get pulled apart by the
unknown force. So, you have to go to secondary considerations:
I am rarely swayed by the persuasion attempts of the commentators, and
after seeing the picture of Conan next to Xena and her sidekick, I
said to myself, "Conan's going to rip this woman's head off." We're
talking Arnold Schwartzenegger here. Xena looks like a street waif,
or worse, a Calvin Klein model.
One thing both of you overlooked is corny dialogue. Admittedly Xena has the benefit of one episode per week of corny dialogue that is about as absorbing as a wet sponge but how can this compete with "Arnie", the king of bad puns. Who could ever forget t
he classic 'I let him go' from Commando or 'Stick around' from Predator. After thirty seconds of this witty repartee Xena and Gabrielle will be rolling in agony and the only use her frisbee will be is to provide Conan with a quick 'You Disc-gust me' (hea
vily accented of course). Conan home in under an hour...
I would normally be kind to guest commentators, but you guys blew it. After the initial confrontation ends in a draw (it always does), Xena will later find a man who looks just like Conan, but calls himself Hercules! (If you don't know what I'm talking ab
out, check Arnold Schwarzenegger's filmography). Xena is momentarily confused, but then she remembers that the Hercules from her time has recently started calling himself "Kull the Conqueror," so she lets it slide. She immediately falls for the bulkier,
manlier Hercules of this time, and runs off with him while the scrawny wimp from her time perishes. Conan, who has proabably not looked in a mirror since his second movie, doesn't care about this doppleganger and makes off with the goods.
I think this match will be decided by guest-stars alone.
She's had historical figures the likes of King David[TM], his
arch-nemesis Goliath of Gath[TM], and even Julias Ceasar[TM]!
Conan has got Xena beat like a sumo wrestler fighting a 92 lbs. weakling.
Conan has been around longer, & has more propoganda...including several
Conan cartoons. What does Xena have? Some dolls which tell little kids
to "take off her clothes." Simply put, Conan is Da Bomb...
Dave, Dave, Dave I don't even know where to begin on how wrong you
are. First of all, how can you mock the mighty chakra, have you ever
actually seen it in action? It brings down giants, singlehandidly
defeats armies, and is the only weapon that can free Ares from the Eye
of Hephestus. With the chakra, even Gabrielle could defeat Conan.
It is only reasonable to expect that our heroes will at first split
the artifacts between them. While dinosaur slaying at the Museum of
Natural History is clearly up Conan’s alley, defeating Ivan Boesky
(no doubt played by Robert Trebor) at the pit and Butrous-Butrous
Galli at the UN is clearly something that requires Xena’s style.
This one's really close, but the advantage goes to Conan.
I've seen Xena a few times, and if those episodes are any reflection of how
she would perform in the real world, Conan should win hands down. In one
episode, she backward somersaulted a hundred feet up to land in a tree. If
this is the type of stuff the producers need for her to do to survive, she's
not going to do very well in NY. There's no trick photography in Manhattan.
It seems obvious that this match comes down to accents. Conan v Xena... Austrian v Australian (well New Zealand, but the Yanks in NYC can't tell the difference between an Aussie and a Kiwi if their life depended on it. In fact, it might...)
Xena: Excuse me, can you tell me
the way to the Museum of Natural History?
Typical New Yorker: Hey, you're an
Aussie, aren't you? How's things
down under?
Xena: I'm not an Aussie! [slice, dice, chop...]
Conan: Exkyooss mee, kan yoo tell mee dee
vie too dee Myooseeyam off Nahtchoorl Isstawree?
Typical New Yorker: Eaah?
Conan: Aye ssedd... kan yoo tell mee...
Superficial appearances can be deceiving. For beneath these
two seemingly invulnerable Hardbodies (TM) dwell two
convalescing walking wounded who are only outpatients by virtue
of the fact that their H.M.O.'s have prematurely discharged
them from the hospital in a cos.
Let me see if I have this contest right:
Here's how it happens:
A curious battle, my friends- a true contest of skimpy
leather, armored-proppery and fake-baked Hollywood flesh. Quite
simply, though, it's a matter that boils down to some antics. Ahem...
I mean semantics.
This one's easy. Xena has it by a mile. Both are good
warriors, but Xena is smarter. Conan would spend too long in
the Natural History museum trying to ride the animals. But where he
would really get held up is the revolving door of the U.N. building.
Going through the door, he would think it was the Wheel of Pain (TM)
and go around and around without stopping. It wouldn't be until the
place closed at night and they locked the doors that he would stop.
He might also mistake the Statue of Liberty for his god Crom (TM) and
waste time worshipping it. Xena would get attacked in Central Park,
but she'd be able to defend herself.
Seems pretty simple to me, they're on a scavenger hunt really, so Xena
must win for two obvious reasons.
This is really the simplest fights since the Enterprise went up
against the death star. What are the two most oft' quoted determining
factors in any grudge match? Yes class, The RAGE (tm) and THE BABE
FACTOR (tm).
I think it's quite simple: when Xena fights, she leaves behind a trail
of unconscious, bruised, and embarrassed bad guys; when Conan fights,
he leaves behind a trail of dismembered heads, bloody stumps, and
shredded bad guys. Xena is a TV warrior princess, which by the power
of the CENSORS (tm) prevents her from doing real violence. Conan is a
MOVIE STAR (tm) - the "star" being brought into question after roles
such as Mr. Freeze and Kindergarten Cop - but he is allowed to
mutilate, burn, pilage, and destroy to his heart's content. Advantage:
Conan.
I see Xena and Gabrielle deciding to split up, Gabrielle chasing down the pieces to the laser and Xena staying behind to occupy the lascivious Conan. Let's face it, who could resist Xena in that tight, leather outfit of hers? Conan's raging warrior hormon
es will get the better of him, and he will suddenly be wielding two swords instead of one. Unfortunately, he will accidentally "disarm" himself and end up lying in a pool of his own blood, clutching his loincloth. Besides, he'd never make it past 42nd Str
eet anyway:"I think I see what you're looking for down there on the sidewalk."
(Conan bends down to pick something up)"Zank you, I--vait a minute! Ow! Vhy are you putting zat zere?"
Even if he can't pitch anymore, Conan can still catch.
CONAN - MAN = VICTORY
Paul, I wish to know from where you get your crack and how it tastes.
Let me explain something: sure, maybe Xena has a SLIM
intelligence advantage over the Mighty Conan (TM), but surely, that
much brawn can overcome her paltry intelligence. I mean, she may be
able to deceive people into giving her what she wants (or doing what
she wants, or whatever), using guile and trickery, but Conan can
simply chop heads and take what he wants, or coerce and intimidate
those New Yorkers into doing whatever he wants them to. They think
there's alot of violence NOW, wait 'til Conan comes to town.
Furthermore, he can do alot of neat poses with his sword to
intimidate the Hell out of everyone. Remember when he and Bombatta
posed down? They didn't intimidate each other, but they sure
intimidated me!
Also, in one of your messages, you insinuated
that Xena was better 'cause she beat a god up. Well big deal!
Everyone heroic is always pounding the crap outta gods!
Case and point, in Conan the Destroyer, he stopped the most evil and
powerful god there was,
that slimy green guy with the horn --played by Andre the
Giant! (I don't remember the god's name, but if you want it so
bad, it's recorded in the Scrolls of Skelos).
Anyways, so you
must admit, Conan's bigger and badder, and his great muscles and
ability will overcome over Zena's guile and unimportant smarts. He'll
smash and go home, she'll cry like the wussie pansy she is. Case
closed.
- Darrell the Destroyer : ) : ) : ) : ) : )
Conan bursts in, bellowing and swinging his sword, killing stockbrokers left and right on the exchange floor. Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle, who with the help of Bruce Campbell have found suitable clothes to camoflage themselves in with the 20th century folk, have already gone up to the information desk, looking like tourists, and charmingly asked where they can find the Diamond of Wealth. While Conan is beating on a bunch of suited schlubs, Xena and Gabrielle have already gone to the top floor of the Exchange with Bruce, found the Diamond, kicked the stuffing out of the person guarding it, gotten through the high-tech computer systems protecting it, and taken the diamond. Then, using the distraction Conan's provided, the three will leave the Exchange unnoticed, to make their way to the Museum of Natural History, where Gabrielle will suborn a museum guard with a striking resemblance to Joxer the Mighty, who will join them on their quest. I'm sure you can see how the rest of this will go. Conan's ass-kicking antics will merely provide the distraction Xena needs to put her plan in motion.
- rednikki
- Lizzie the Feminist Chick
Fact: Xena is a virile, herculean, powerfully built serving-wench-gone-mad who throws a metal boomerang which conks guys on the head named a chakram. This very name is suspect as far as weapons go since it sounds WAY too much like the chakra, a term used for the "power centers" of the human body by a religion followed by such fools as Shirley Mclaine and my old Magic, Religion and Science teacher Mr Boyle, both of whom are known morons who participate in such assinine practices as firewalking and similar stupidities.
- Fistandantilus of Montreal
FYI, the chakram is a real weapon used by the Sikhs of India (although they did not use it as a boomerang). -Paul
Conan will now have a new goal, to make his way to Nevada in search of his dream woman, the old quest quite forgotten. He will spend the rest of his days teaching us step aerobics on ESPN2TM. If by some chance all three of Conan's brain cells work in unison long enough to continue the search, his libido will certainly kick in upon catching sight of Gabrielle (We all know his penchant for blondes). As soon as he moves to grab Gabrielle, he is undone. Xena, true to form, will move in to save Gab from the unwanted attention with some witty one liner such as "remove the offending hand now-oh, never mind, I'll do it(chop)". End of fight.
On another note, all of you who voted for Conan I fear failed to take into consideration the RageTM. Xena laid waste to an entire region of the world for no other reason than the death of her brother. I doubt not that Conan has his own Rage(ing lust), but Xena has it in spades. She has been, and at times can still be, Rage Incarnate. Conan's rage is but a Dixie CupTM next to Xena's mighty ocean. I fear that if this vote comes out in his favor, it is but the last gasp for a dying era. A new age of the world dawns, and it is the Age of XenaTM.
- Jason Elff
- Cosmo Kramer
Some Guy: "Where can I find a book on proctology?"
Conan: "You do not know the Dewey Decimal System?!?!?!" WACK!! (splits the guy in half)
Besides, as per the immense amounts of PBS vingettes interspersed between Sessame Street and Mr. Rodgers, librarians can find anything.
- Shai'tan
Forget the fact that Xena regularly defies gods and wins. Forget the fact that she kicked butt even with a broken pelvis. Forget the fact that she's come back from the dead AND being a vampire. Forget the fact that the worst thing I've ever seen Lucy Lawless or Renee O'Conner in (in my admittedly limited experience) was a Rockford Files TV movie while the other guy, well, has Batman Forever and The Last Action Hero. Forget all that.
You're forgetting one obvious thing: in a previous life, Conan WAS Hercules! A badly dubbed Hercules, but Hercules nonetheless. And considering the smouldering passion he and Xena have for each other, do you really think he'll attack her? Granted, Herc has been in NYC before, but as Paul so rightly points out, Xena's a warlord. She'll swallow her feelings for this Herc wannabe (or even get madder at him for pretending). Herc/Conan, OTOH, will be so confused by his flashbacks of Xena and New York that he'll be easy prey for the pickpockets who'll lift his sword.
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
Ahnold was in Batman and Robin, not Batman Forever. However, we recognize the badness of both films. -Eds.
- dair grant
1) Xena's weapons are just plain bad. I mean, what is up with a frisbee that can cut through rock, yet can be caught bare-handed. Her sword is a glorified letter opener at best, and Gabrielle's staff would leave a nasty welt at best. Conan carries a well-sharpened steel slab that could easily cut Xena in half.
2) Xena's annoying yi-yi-yi-yi-yi battle call would have every resident of New York shooting automatic weapons at her in 5 minutes.
- Eric
- El Squid
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Bionic Woman v. Wonder Woman
Darth Maul v. Connor MacLeod
William Wallace v. Groundskeeper Willy
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