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In a long, dark-paneled boardroom, a half-dozen NBC executives wait nervously. On the other side of the meeting table, a door opens, and in walks Donald Trump. "Good morning," he says. "Good morning, Mister Trump," they chorus. One of them ventures forth. "Sir, we were hoping-" "I know why you're here," Trump says, "but I'm not changing my mind. The Apprentice is a tremendous, groundbreaking show, and a fantastic success, but it's time for me to move on. After this season, I will no longer be starring on the show." "But what about our schedule?" one of the executives stammers. "You'd be leaving a big hole, and I don't think the public's ready for a thirteenth Law and Order show." "Hold it. I only said I wouldn't be on the air. The series can go on ... as long as I still get a big piece of the gross." The execs nearly get whiplash nodding their heads. "All it needs is a new host, someone with the same business genius and star quality I bring to the show, or at least as close as anyone else can get." "We were hoping you'd say something like that." Another exec pulls a folder out of his briefcase. "We've put together a short list of business tycoons who might fit the bill. They're willing to-" "Hand it over." Trump takes the folder, opens it, and nods his head. "Outstanding. An inspired list, filled with quality names. I'll start work on making my decision immediately." There is consternation. "But Mister Trump, this was going to be a network decision. We need screen tests, focus groups, Q ratings." "You don't need any of that. You've already got the best talent discovery method there is: my show. I'm going to run these guys through it, and whoever comes out on top gets the hosting gig. Any questions?" The executives all look at each other, not quite daring to ask it. Trump sighs. "Okay, you can film it for November sweeps." Big grins and high-fives break out. So, Shane, which massive magnate will master the maze-like machinations of this manipulative mogul?
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Bill Gates vs. Rupert Murdoch vs. George Steinbrenner vs. J.R. Ewing |
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SHANE: This match is going to be over quicker than a one-horse rodeo. If you're looking for a telegenic tycoon everyone either loves or loves to hate, J.R. Ewing set the standard before anyone ever heard of The Donald. Trump will easily recognize a kindred spirit. J.R.'s got the charisma, the business savvy combined with a streak of ruthlessness, the personal flair, and a way with the ladies. Lots of ladies. Trump will be glad to live, and host, vicariously through J.R. Of course, that requires beating his competitors, which shouldn't be hard. Bill Gates? You can't say that pipsqueak is (in Texas lingo) all hat and no cattle, 'cause he hasn't even got the hat! (I increasingly suspect Paul Allen was the real brains at Microsoft.) Gates can't win when he actually has competition, especially not of Ewing's caliber. J.R. will probably bribe a couple of D.A.'s to restart the antitrust proceedings, and Gates will run away screaming. Murdoch's a little better, but he's losing his touch. Shouldn't Fox already have an Apprentice rip-off on the air? I rest my case. Steinbrenner may do pretty well against his fellow baseball owners, but so could one of the better rotisserie leagues. He's moving up to the real majors now. By the time J.R.'s done smooth-talking and back-stabbing him, not only will he be out of the competition, but Alex Rodriguez will be back in Texas. And knowing George, he'll say he got the better of the deal. J.R Ewing is back in business. Once he takes over The Apprentice, it'll be getting ratings you haven't seen since ... well, since the last time the country went wild over J.R. MARK: Rupert Murdoch? Las Vegas' over/under odds have him at "down under." He'll never win. Bill Gates? "You've got the blue screen o' death" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like "You're fired!" Ewing? J.R. doesn't have a shot. No, my friends, the winner of this match and the new host of the show is none other than George Steinbrenner. He'll take the budget, double it, and still make tons of money. While others are adding big names to their boards of directors, Steinbrenner will be adding bigger names. In fact, he might just add Murdoch, Gates, or Ewing if he feels like it. This guy gets what he wants. Plus, Steinbrenner has happy employees. Happy employees are productive employees. In this age of Wal-Martizing employees, George can't seem to pay them enough. With an All-American line-up even. I mean, come on; it's not like Bernie Williams has a "Made in Puerto Rico" sticker sewn to his butt. Heck, even George Costanza enjoyed working for the Yankees. If you can get that guy to enjoy coming to work, while still making money, you've accomplished an amazing feat. George Steinbrenner will spend a lot, recruit well, and make tons of money. If the Donald has any issues with that, he might very well find himself on the wrong end of a Louisville Slugger. Steinbrenner will once again be crowned The Boss. And he'll still have time to be impersonated on an overrated sitcom. HOTBRANCH!: You know ... I could go on about how weak Rupert Murdoch's competition is, but what fun would it be to rant about men who are afraid of fruit and penguins, the city of Boston, and renewable energy sources? All are competent businessmen, who've done well in their respective fields, but they all have one fatal flaw: they concentrate on one type of business. Rupert Murdoch is a media baron. For those who didn't fail Latin in high school 3 years running, like me, media is the plural form of medium. Murdoch is skilled at juggling different types of businesses: newspapers, television, movies, and radio. He sells the public the same crap in different formats, and we are only too happy to buy, buy, buy. That takes a special kind of business skill. In addition to a keen business sense, Trump's heir has to be no-nonsense and have climbed every step of the business ladder to reach the top; basically, he has to be a clone of Trump (what could be better for a billionaire's ego than to have his very own Mini-me?). Murdoch started at the lowest rung and steadily climbed the ladder, ignoring his critics and taking advantage of every loophole he could find. In Murdoch, Trump will find a kindred business spirit and, ultimately, a new host. I'd mention Murdoch's connection to the Simpsons, but that would be like putting Omarosa against Mother Teresa in a "who's the bigger bitch?" contest. PAUL: For all you capitalists out there, I'll be brief.
The Apprentice is about succeeding at business and succeeding at business is about making money. Bill Gates is worth three and half times more than the rest combined. And that's not including Bill's partner Paul Allen who is worth an additional 20 billion. Even his name is "Bill". Considering Trump is about 2 billion in debt, I think the Don knows which moneybag Then think how well the pretenders' empires would operate when their computers go haywire mysteriously. [How's that different than normal? - Eds.] Er, more than usual. [Try again.] OK, imagine A-Rod playing for Boston on Steinbrenner's tab. Fox showing nothing but Scott Baio programming. Dallas turned into a comedy where J.R. sells women's shoes. With his iron grip on Windows and his programming/hacking skills, Bill Gates has these people at his mercy. And don't tell me they use Macs. If Apple had corporate clients, they wouldn't be using a cellist in its commercials. And who will stand up to Bill? George will quit when he learns he's not allowed to fire the director and replace him with Billy Martin. Mr. Murdoch knows if he wins, he'll be sharing space with desperate, revenge-seeking MSNBC staffers. And how tough can J.R. be when his fiercest rivals are Patrick "Step by Step" Duffy and Ken "Who?" Kercheval. Anyway, in the world of fictional wealth, Forbes says he's not as successful as a candy man and, for goodness sake, a DUCK. P.Diddy taught me that it's all about the Benjamins. Weird Al Yankovic taught me that it's all about the Pentiums. The combination of the two simply cannot lose.
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(It's the final boardroom, and it has come down to Gates versus Ewing. The Donald walks through the double doors, swings a nod each to George and Carolyn, and takes his seat.) Trump: Hello, J.R. and Bill. Now, this really should be a hard decision, but it isn't. J.R., you consistently showed outstanding business ability, and displayed many admirable qualities: perseverance, quick thinking, people skills. Bill, you just bought up Murdoch and Steinbrenner, you just can't rely on that on Trump's watch! Bill, you're fi- (Suddenly, Clippet appears from nowhere.)
Clippet: You appear to be trying to fire someone! Would you
like some help? - Mixmaster Flibble, Inc.
We're looking for a TV host, someone with Pizzazz (tm), Panache (tm), what the French call a certain... I don't know what. So, let's assess what we have here: Bill Gates: Wealthy beyond comprehension, could buy and sell the Donald so quickly it'd make his hairpiece spin. However, he's not the most photogenic gentleman I've ever seen, and granted, I have never met the man, but he doesn't strike me as a very personable guy. What could he possibly know about hosting a TV show? The only thing I've ever seen of him on film was a debut of a new version of Windows ™ © ® that subsequently went all Bluescreen on him. Loser. Rupert Murdoch: An order of magnitude less wealthy, but still far wealthier than any of us poor schlubs can ever dream of being. He is the majority stockholder and CEO of the News Corporation that owns, among other holdings, Fox Television Network. He has also owned the LA Dodgers and Manchester United, the world's most famous non-American Football team. But, seriously, look at this guy... he's a cranky old codger and nobody would want to watch him on TV for more than a few microseconds. His bald head and creased, wrinkled face will haunt my dreams for days. Not to mention, he's Australian, so you know he talks funny. And, for all the success that Simon has had on American Idol, I think it's safe to say that generally Americans don't like foreigners (or Foreigner, for what that's worth). Rupert ain't our guy. George Steinbrenner: Chump-change compared to the aforementioned, 'Big Stein' has been seen on TV a number of times. He was a running character on a short-lived and relatively poorly received sitcom named "Seinfeld" (I was joking right there), and now can be seen appearing in some commercials with notable Yankees such as Joe Torre (with two R's). Will the hilarity ever stop? Sadly, yes. He's a ridiculous human being who is prepared to fire and trade every person in his organization anytime the Yanks go on a two- game losing streak. I don't think he has the patience to make a good decision regarding the participants on the show, prone as he is to making snap judgments. Sure, he has his own TV network, but all it does is show baseball games. I have to say NO to George. Leaving... J.R. Ewing: He's the only one of the four that doesn't fill me with the urge to gouge out my eyeballs and then throw them on the floor and stomp on them until they become a squishy mess and then mop them up off the floor and rinse them down the drain, and subsequently have to stumble through life permanently blinded because he is so unbelievably hideous. He has experience with the TV gig, having done it on Dallas for so long, not to mention his long-running success on I Dream of Jeannie. Barbara Eden was a Fox! Plus, I like his hat. J.R. wins. - Adam B.
We must, before everything else, remember that The Apprentice is a television show, and therefore primarily about image and style. It doesn't matter which host is the best business brain -- any of the contestants is more than expert enough -- it matters most which has the panache, the charisma, the savoir faire to match The Donald. Without that Trumpian triumph of sheer eccentric personal style, the show would never have been a hit. And since the choice is according to Donald's own highly (cough) unique stylistic taste, the result can only go one way. Donald will pick Bill Gates for one reason: Bill is the only one he can look at and say, "Now that is someone whose hair is just as cool as mine." - Mr. Glag
Why even bother holding this match? All Bill G. needs to do is flip a switch, and 95% of the world's PCs will automatically submit a vote for him. Try tracking THAT abuse down with your so-called Iron Fist(TM)! - Dan McD. (Who lives in a Windows(TM)-free house.) For those unacquainted with the history of the modern computing scene, go rent "Pirates Of Silicon Valley." Watch it. Now, pay close attention to Bill Gates's big scene where he sells the IBM people with the idea of DOS. A product that HE DIDN'T EVEN OWN! Bill Gates ain't just a computer nerd, my friends. He's a poker player. What better type of person to trump Trump's legacy? - Affy None of them We are talking about Donald "My Ego is bigger then my new buildings" Trump. The man is not going to allow anyone of these billionaires to replace him. So... why is he doing this? Trump is getting rid of the competition. As we know, everyone signs one of those "Will not Sue" contracts when they go on a reality TV show. As such, Trump will have them compete in... special events. Mark my words, this season will have contests that involve calling Drug Dealers Richard Simmons and daring the New York cab commission to arrest them. - -Mr. Chaos, proud he never said "You're Fired" in his answer Out of the four business titans in this contest, there are only two who are real contenders: Gates and Murdoch. Steinbrenner and Ewing don't even come close. Let's consider who they can push around. J.R. has the least power and hasn't posed a serious threat to anyone since the 1980's. Steinbrenner is able to sometimes push around the government of New York City, an improvement over what J.R. can do, but it pales compared to the other two. Both Gates and Murdoch have had dealings with the federal government. Let's see how they fared. Rupert Murdoch successfully got the government to change the laws on media ownership so he could expand his empire, but still can't do anything about the laws concerning program content. Bill Gates has fought the government over the business practices of Microsoft. He has managed to bog down things to the point where the feds have largely given up on doing anything to him. Now, the European Union is giving it a try and, so far, not having much success either. This ability to fight entire nations to a standstill is impressive and gives Gates an edge in this category. Now, let's look at who can control the most people. The Fox network and its cable partners don't have nearly 100% of the TV viewing market locked up. Microsoft's Windows runs on something like 95% of all computers and even the other 5% use some sort of Microsoft product for one thing or another (ie. Windows Media Player, etc.) Therefore Gates can be said to have dominion over all computer users. Against such power, Rupert Murdoch might be able to compete, but he will inevitably lose. Seeing the true extent of Gates' power will have J.R. running back to Southfork in sheer terror. Steinbrenner will simply know when he's been beaten and resume his attempts to get a new stadium. - The Demented Astronomer Being from the 'lesser of evils' school of thought, I voted for JR, as he doesn't actually exist. - They Call Me Marsh Guys, you did it. You made a match where I couldn't make up my mind. Bravo. Since I couldn't decide, I wasn't going to vote. But P. Diddy told me to vote. So I voted for Ewing. - The (no longer) Unpublished Soldier J.R. Ewing wears a cowboy hat. No chance. Bill Gates is the wussiest looking man in America, nay, the world. No chance, due to lack of intimidation. George Steinbrenner is in the wrong type of competition on a daily basis. As much as I love the Yankees (they are NOT a bought team, despite what jealous, desperate, and hopeless BoSox fans will tell you), no chance. Rupert Murdoch ... in high school, my choir performed at a holiday party in his place in NYC. When our soloist was about to perform, he tapped his glass. It was quiet in two seconds, which is normal enough. But when the song was over, everybody looked back at him to ask silently if it was ok that they resumed talking. There was fear there, people. Murdoch, who has taken on so much while starting with so little, is the only person on this thing who can win. Steinbrenner second place out of sheer ruthlessness. - A New Cynic I am somehow disgusted, and the socialist-anarchist inside me can offer only three words in response to this match: "Eat The Rich." - Monkeydog Ewing: Dallas was all just a dream, right? If so, Trump's going to hire a guy who was only rich in his dreams. If this kind of thing started happening, everyone would work for Trump, and money would be useless. Next! Murdoch: The guy runs FOX. Yes, he's given us the Simpsons, hailed Grudge Match Champs, but he also cancelled Futurama. For doing that, he has no business being here. Stienbrenner: His team lost to the Florida Marlins. I know because I live in Florida, and was all too glad to see them win. You're fired, Stienwhacker! Gates:He appeared on Family Guy, with Eisner,
destroyer of Disney, and Ted Turner, who gave us Captain
Planet. Yet, this unholy alliance of evil, AOL, and any other
claims won't stop him from taking the position. Why? In Japan,
they've made Microsoft and other operating systems into Anime Girls.
- GreenNinja is Interfaced!!! Go Bill Gates, anyone who makes their base of ops in Washington State and not New York City or the east coast gets my vote. Anyways, guess who is also in Washington State? Boeing, you know the guys who make B-52s. Bill could get air support that the army and marines would envy. AIR RAID!!! - Kilt Man George Steinbrenner- When he ran the Yankees with an iron fist in the 80s, they sucked. A lot. J.R. Ewing- Don't know much about him, but I believe he was dumb enough to get shot. Rupert Murdoch- Ugh... Fox. Let's not even go there. Bill Gates- I read that when he was in high school, he designed a program to create the class schedules for all the students in the school. He put himself in the classes with all girls and no other guys. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a true master of business. - Smooth Jimmy Apollo - It seems the Antichrist is running unopposed here. Bill Gates wins. They decide to put their money together and purchase NBC. Bill Gates then waits until no one suspects him, and has them all killed by Al Capone. Yes, Al Capone is dead, but when you're worth more than 50 billion dollars, you can do that. - Mark I-would-be-here-if-I-didn't-already-have-a-contract-with-ABC Cuban Choosing a winner shouldn't be very difficult. I can't choose Gates, because I still remember DOS and will never forgive him, even if he singlehandedly cures cancer. I can't choose Steinbrenner because I live in Boston, and Yankee hating is far more important than anything else around here (Yes, that includes both eating and cheering for the Red Sox). And I can't choose Murdoch because I live in Boston, which is part of Massachussetts, which means I'm a Democrat, which means I hate Fox. So, I have to vote for Ewing. Wait... something's wrong with my computer! It's voting for Gates anyway! I knew I should've bought a Mac. - Fish of Death Ah, the moral dilemmas this match brings up. If it weren't for Rupert Murdoch and FOX, I wouldn't be the fountain of Simpsons trivia that I am today. But...if it wasn't for Bill Gates, I wouldn't even be sitting here in my boxers looking at porn... uh, I mean, writing this response. What to do, what to do...besides never vote for Steinbrenner for anything. Being a loyal Red Sox fan, I've seen him win enough already. And Ewing? Please. I'm too young to have ever seen Dallas... although oddly enough, I know who shot him. ::sigh:: Looks like another vote for Gates. Hey Bill! How about throwing me a favor for my vote? Buy the Yankees and make them play in ballerina tutus! - Scotty J. - Still seething over the Sox-Cubs match. What kind of team is so bad they get cursed by a GOAT? The four contestants are sitting around the board room across from Mr. Trump. Each is plotting their takeover while they wait for instructions. Trump: "For your first task, you will be given one thousand dollars. You have 3 days to turn it into one million. We will be monitoring your bank accounts to make sure you're not using your own money. Any questions?" They shake their heads and are dismissed. Day 1:
Gates invests his money in foreign oil, having had a tip-off
from 'reliable' sources. Day 2:
Gates promises to pay millions to government officials to start
another war, knowing the price of oil will go up. Day 3:
A renegade faction of the US Army demolishes the country of
Sosmallia in mere hours. The price of oil skyrockets. Bill Gates
sells his stock in foreign oil and makes a killing. Back in the boardroom:
Trump: "Time's up! How did you all do?" - Floormatt "I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him 'Money' for short. I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PENTIUMS! WHAT!" --"It's all About the Pentiums"
Thus we see that Bill Gates will prevail in this contest, not only
because he is the only one significantly mentioned on Al's 'Running
With Scissors', but because he has learned the single most important
lesson for success in any and all applications: - Weird Mark It looks like you are forgetting one major fact, they are competing through the show, which involves challenges such as selling lemonade...in NEW YORK. The Yankees are New York, George Steinbrenner owns the Yankees, thus George Steinbrenner owns New York. All he has to do is give his legion of New Yorkers the threat of taking away the Yankees. Then what will they have, the Mets? Knicks? Rangers? Pathetic. Seriousely, New Yorkers will have nothing except overpriced housing. When they realize this, they will throw their money at Steinbrenner, and he will win all the challenges. You can't argue with a winner. - FossilKing Are you kidding me? Gates could (and probably will) buy these guys and sell them several times over! Don't you know anything about the corporate world? It's all about the moolah! Gates will grease every palm in sight. The others (if he hasn't bribed them away already) can't even begin to compete with that. And even if there are some rare souls with integrity that can't be bribed, Gates will threaten them with a forced installation of the Longhorn beta on their system. That's enough to scare ANYONE into submission. Gates wins, hands down. - Durendal I pick Bill Gates for the simple reason that Paul represented him with indisputable evidence: A pretty bar graph. Good work. - Addicted to Shiny Things (so if any of you guys with braces...) If you're going to make it big, you've gotta have the know-how. All of these guys have made it that far. But if you want to be the top dog, you have to be completely and utterly ruthless. And that is where the wheat is separated from the chaff. Bill Gates can't hack it. Sure, it would cool if he could hardwire satellites to fire lasers at his enemies' companies and fire employees by digitizing them into cyberspace and deleting them with relish, but it's just not his style. Gates is too much of a nerd, and (dare I say it) a nice guy to play on this level. Paint him as Satan all you want, kids, but it won't wash. BALEETED! In the movie Fierce Creatures, Rupert Murdoch was parodied by Kevin Kline as "Rod McCain", a ruthless media baron who beat up underlings for fun, televised public executions in Hong Kong and tried to have an entire zoo exterminated. Needless to say, this caricature was much more ruthless than the real Murdoch, and even he had no actual kills to his name and was rubbed out by Michael Palin, of all people. The real Murdoch gets chewed up, spat out and fed to Ted Turner. George Steinbrenner. Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Mr. "I don't have heart attacks, I give them". However, although he had the evil of George Costanza under his thumb, he clearly can't see the awesome potential his job offers. Where are the back-alley beatdowns with corked bats? The rat poison-laced chewing tobacco trick? Wiring a guy to the Diamondvision and watching him fry? Nah, all he does is yell. Strike three. This leaves our old friend J.R.. Don't let that handsome Major Nelson grin fool you; he's one nasty SOB. This country is littered with the bodies of those who tried to stick it to J.R., and don't you forget it. He was so ruthless that it took a cliffhanger shooting episode to stop him - he was Mr. Burns nasty before Mr. Burns existed! Who needs "You're Fired" (alleged TM) anyway? J.R. can let his six-guns do the talking, pard! Hm. Maybe we can get Omarosa back to try out this new method. Who's calling the kettle black now, wench? Actually, now that I think about it, Donald Trump has no known kills to his record anyway, unless you count that unfortunate creature on his head (which may have died of natural causes, or perhaps on the highway). J.R. out-ruthlesses the Donald! Trump got trumped! - Oxymoron - If quips were dollars, I'd be a millionaire too. Or at least a hundredaire. The question comes down to this: Who can replicate Trump's famous line with the same harsh, cruelty that he can?
Bill Gates
Rupert Murdoch
George Steinbrenner
- Ninja (MN)
- Jack the Hack, preparing the world for the 2nd coming of Elvis.
This automatically eliminates Bill Gates. When he actually spends his
mountain of cash, he expects some use out of it. Plus, the fact that
he has obvious business acumen means he's overqualified for the show.
Rupert Murdoch is almost legendary for skimping on frills, and hates
throwing good money at bad ideas. Also out.
J.R., now he's tempting. Except that with all the people who have
been in good position to kill him over all these years, he's too much
of a risk (and suicidal tendencies don't help either). But George
Steinbrenner? His entire philosophy of business is that you can never
throw too much money at a problem (see Rod, A-). Plus, he
instinctively finds cameras, just like Trump.
And as Billy Martin can attest to, nobody is better at saying, "You're
Fired!"
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
- J-Money
- Rabbi Jesus
The next afternoon around quitting time, the three interns meet with
Mr. Trump for Their first day evaluation. Gates, Steinbrenner and
Ewing wait expectantly. Murdock did not show, and called the
network representative who invited him to help his competition's
ratings a "ballsy sheila". Trump walks in and opens his briefcase,
pretending to read something important as he pauses to make the
interns nervous.
"All of you have done well today," Trump begins, looking
up. "Except for you, Mr. Gates, I understand you spent five straight
hours playing minesweeper on a company computer. You're fired.
"No I'm not," responds Gates, looking relaxed and happy.
"You're not?" replies Trump.
"I command you not to fire me," responds Gates, with a smug grin.
He leans forward on his elbows. "You recently clicked yes on the
User-End agreement for some Microsoft Software. I wonder, did you
read directive four?"
Trump looks indignant. "Directive Four?"
"As usual, nobody reads the agreement, they just click yes!" Gates
exclaims. "Directive four states that you may never disobey a
command from a Microsoft executive, and failure to obey will result
in forfeiture of all assets to the Microsoft Corporation. How do
you think I acquired so many competitors?"
Donald Trump becomes quite pail with shock. "OK, you're not fired."
Pleas Join us next week for a new season of The Intern, with your
host, Bill Gates. Same MicroTime, Same MicroChannel.
- I. Phill Kuntz
P.S When I finish university can I have a job?
- ~I hate unix~
- Pareeha
You're all fired.
Please exit through the front door of my casino, which I think we
can all agree is, without a doubt, absolutely fabulous, simply the
best.
- Donald "Budo" Trump
- Moneo
- Spiffy Elite Shadow Warrior and Future Master of You Pathetic Organ Sacs
The others shouldn't get discouraged, though. There are runner-up
prizes in order: Murdoch receives a voucher for a three-day stay at
Trump Undersea Colonies. Steinbrenner is offered a janitorial job on
the new Trump Space Station. And Ewing is appointed the Secretary of
the Interior of the brand-new Trump: the Country (formerly Mongolia).
- king rex the first
Why, you ask?
The guy's got more money than he knows what to do with. I once read
somewhere that he makes so much money PER SECOND, that if he saw a
$100 dollar bill on the ground, he'd actually lose money in the few
seconds required to pick it up! Obviously, he's not going to stick
around for this match. The prize at the end wouldn't cover the cash
he lost while playing!
And Steinbrenner won't stick around either. He'll be too busy
worshipping Satan...um, I mean, skillfully guiding the Yankees to
another pennant. Yeah. That's what I mean.
So the job comes down to the two men who need it the most, based on
monetary concerns, and (let's face it) name recognition.
J.R. Ewing was a ruthless businessman...twenty years ago! Bring this
guy back to run a 21st century company, and it'll be bankrupt in a
week. What the hell would a pre-yuppie CEO know about running a post-
dot-com-boom business?
So, surprisingly, the job goes to Rupert Murdoch. Very
surprisingly. Isn't there anyone else that can do this job? I know
he gave the world the Simpsons, but still...
- Scotty J. - My tagline can beat up your tagline!
- Yokoyawa "Lizard Lord of Nonsense" and writing for first time a grudge answer
What will really blow his chances are the fact that while Trump was
harsh but fair, Murdoch is a sour curmudgeon whose brain fossilized
twenty years back. Pretty soon, the show fails as nobody makes it
beyond the first round, and ratings drop. Trump promptly gives him
the boot.
And Gates? Sure, he might be evil, but he doesn't have that "TV
Presentable" look. Trump has it written all over him. I mean,
seriously, the only reason Gates is so feared is because he's dealing
with other keyboard nuts. Programmers are not exactly imposing
figures. And Gates would most likely try to keep a low profile in
order to avoid the ridicule.
That leaves the other two. And Ewing is more imposing, thus more TV
Presentable. He wins.
- The Saint
Murdoch dispatches memos to the people at FOX Network telling the
anchors to characterize Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates as "wishy-
washy, French, child-molesting liberals." Soon we see, on every show
on the FNC--
O'Reilly: Now, I'm not a democrat or a republican but some people
have said that Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates are wishy-washy,
French, child-molesting liberals.
Hannity: So, child-molesting, French, wishy-washy liberals, huh?
Soon the mainstream media is starting to pick it up--
Katie Couric: It's been reported that Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates
are quote-unquote "wishy-washy, liberal, French child-molesters".
We'll talk about that today, followed by a man who says he can talk
to poodles, Jay Leno promoting his new cook book, and a little girl.
Tom Brokaw: Good evening. Tonight we start off with allegations that
Steinbrenner, Ewing, and Gates, famed billionares, are in fact
French, child-molesting, liberal and wishy washy. We have with us
Tim Fredrick, author of "FEAR: Billionares Who Are Scum"
Eventually everyone will be talking about this and how disgusting
they are, and The Donald will really have no choice but to go with
the least offensive choice, Rupert Murdoch.
- -The Mattly One
[Dan Rather, is that you again? - Eds.]
I figure Trump, Gates, Murdoch, Steinbrenner and Ewing will all be
eager for the head of FOX to host a high-rating show on NBC. That
way Hell will be nice and frozen over when they get there.
- Derelictman
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The chart to the right compares the net worth of the contestants. Three of these guys could use some economic Viagra(tm).
. How do you
like Windows XP now? The Babe Factor prevails.