The emcee, Dr. Johnny Fever, steps up to the microphone. "Sorry, fellow babies, but there's going to be a slight delay." Boos fill the park. "Apparently, Spinal Tap's drummer blew up, so they won't be able to perform today." More boos. "It'll be a few minutes before Grand Funk Railroad can come out, so in the meantime I've got some backstage passes to give away." For lack of a better idea, Fever throws the passes into the mosh pit right in front of the stage. A melee ensues, which quickly diminishes into four people fighting for the two passes.
"Let go, dude. I totally need those passes to hang with Iron Maiden!"
"Right! As if! I'm going to see Aerosmith!"
Fever, observing the stalemate, says, "Looks like we got a problem, babies. How do you suggest we settle the winner?" First faintly, and then louder and louder the crowd begins to chant: "Tag-team, tag-team, tag-team." A circle forms with Bill and Garth being ushered to the sides. Ted and Wayne remain in the middle to begin the tag-team battle for the passes.
So, Steve, who ends up face down in the mud and who gets to shoot-the-shit with the surviving members of Blue Oyster Cult?
Let's face it: Bill and Ted are both clueless and wimpy. All they do is sit in their garage and dream about rock stardom. They have no aggressiveness or physical ability. They are so dense as to not be able to pass high school history. The only reason Bill and Ted ever succeeded at anything is because they had help from the future. On the other hand, Wayne and Garth are much more aggressive and can stand on their own two (4?) feet -- they actually have instruments and attempt to play them. They have actually been in bars and have seen bar room brawls. They have a much clearer concept of what fighting is about. Wayne & Garth always persevere because of their own efforts.
As an aside, one question which continually has been entering my mind involves allowing external influences: Telephone-booth induced time travel vs. The "alternative ending". For example, if Wayne & Garth win, then Bill & Ted could go back in time and arrange it so W&G would lose instead. However, if Wayne & Garth then lost, a second outcome could be added to the match so that Wayne & Garth won after all. As you can see, we are then put in a paradoxical loop, and the outcome can never be decided. Kind of reminds me of a Star Trek episode.
BRIAN: Unable to find any logical explanations to back-up your clearly pre-existing W&G bias, you resort to confusing Warp-in-the-Space-Time-Continuum (tm) discussions in an attempt to cloud the issue. Well, I will not be distracted! And neither will our overly astute viewers. Bill and Ted are gonna romp in this one. I see Ted and Wayne as about a draw at first: they knock each other around for awhile and then look for a replacement when they get tired. Then enters Garth. Game, Set, Match. Are we forgetting how completely inept Garth is at practically anything, aside from playing drums? Only men survive in the mosh pit; and while a lot of people are more manly than Bill, Garth wouldn't have a prayer against Shaggy.
And let's face it, Bill is pretty fanatical about his music. He really wants to see Iron Maiden (tm). And no little punk is gonna stand in his way. This is a guy that travelled all over time just to pass a class! Don't you think he's willing to do a Piledriver (tm) or two on Garth for something much more valuable? Let's face facts, Steve: a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. And Garth is as weak as they get.
STEVE: First of all, you seriously underestimate Garth. True, he may be a bit goofy, but there is a lot of pent-up RAGE (tm) hiding beneath the surface. He is undoubtedly a wiry and wily bastard, and will easily defeat either Bill or Ted. Plus he also has those drumsticks as weapons. Second, I don't think Bill & Ted are that desperate to see Iron Maiden. All they really care about are the Wyld Stallyns (tm). On the other hand, Wayne & Garth completely idolize other rock groups, and would go to any lengths to see them. Do I have to bring up the "I'm not worthy" bit? We have seen to what lengths they will go to see their idols -- even drive to Milwaukee (cringe) if need be.
The way I see it, Wayne will beat on Ted for a while. Eventually Ted will be reduced to a heap on the ground. Growing tired of this, Wayne will tag off to Garth, who will also enjoy kicking Ted while he's down. In his Moment of Glory (tm), while showboating to the mosh-pit crowd, Ted will sneak off and tag Bill. Bill comes in with a surprise hit on Garth. The pent-up RAGE (tm) bursts forth, and Garth sends Bill back to the stone age river (figuratively, not literally). With both foes defeated, Wayne & Garth claim their prize and mingle with the Lotsamethuselah (tm) stars.
BRIAN: It's seems that you wield The Rage (tm) as if it were a trump card. As if nothing can defeat it. Now, with your patented overuse, The Rage (tm) has become a shadow of it's former self, joining other inappropriately overused words and phrases such as "extremists," "best-ever," and "I deny any wrongdoing." Well, I for one can take no more! Excuse me, but Garth with The Rage??!! I don't think so! The guy just grew pubes last year! Anyone who's that scared of Wayne's impression of The Leprechaun (tm) can't have The Rage! And even if he did have any Rage, it was long since released after he got to know Kim Basinger (Biblically speaking). If anyone DOESN'T have The Rage, it is Garth (and Mary Poppins).
Garth is useless. While Wayne has shown he can fight somewhat, that was against some old guy and was over a woman! (And what a woman! Schwing! (tm)) No way Wayne gets that worked up over Aerosmith, whom he and Garth have met and partied with on SEVERAL occasions. Heck, they were even in his basement once. Bill & Ted, on the other hand, while they have hung with So-Crates, have yet to meet their true idols: Iron Maiden, KISS, Metallica, et al. It is these bands that they have longed to meet (not Wyld Stallyns! They ARE Wyld Stallyns (tm)). Their motivation will be the strongest. Those passes will be theirs. Oh, yes! They will be theirs.
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Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match
- Denis McGrath
That's right, the ORIGINAL loser duo with their own cable show and idiosyncratic slang (remember hosing, anyone?) have the RAGE (tm) in SPADES. They've been canned. They're out in the cold. They've been split up, with Bob (Rick Moranis) appearing in endless "Honey..." Disney pap and Doug (Dave Thomas) in GRACE UNDER FIRE, for the love of God.
They've watched the parasitic ripoff merchants Bill, Ted, Wayne and Garth grow fat on the money of the young-white-male-couch-potato market THEY carefully cultivated. They've heard "Excellent!" and "Shyeah, right!" rob "hosehead" of a place in the Shorter Oxford Dictionary. It's PAYBACK TIME. No sooner will the match begin then the McKenzies will jump into the ring and start braining people with microphone stands.
Then again, they probably couldn't get the bus fare from Canada together, so what the hey, I'll vote for Bill & Ted.
- Robin Shortt, Australia
- The Hudsons
- Ted K
After a two minute penalty for high-sticking, Wayne & Garth (who play without helmets, obviously) knock out Bill & Ted by undercutting them at the knees, then falling on them, with a pin to the mat.
- Ryan P Kelly
"...huh huh huh, those guys fight like girls." "Yeah, kick him in the nads, heh heh heh." "They're wusses...I bet you could even kick their ass, Beavis" "Shut up, Butt-Head, or I'll kick your ass!" "Settle down, Beavis...Woah, back stage passes!" (Butt-Head picks up the passes that are being ignored by the combatants, and they walk back stage). "Heh, heh, heh, cool we can go meet Lita Ford!" "Yeah, we're gonna score."- Daniel Gardner
- Chris Eckert
Ultimately, I think that Wayne, Garth, Bill and Ted would talk to the security guard (who looks strangely like Chris Farley) and manage to all get backstage.
Bill and Ted look on in stupified amazement as Wayne sets up his elegant
Flying Crane manuever. "Bill, I think we're about to get our butts
kicked!" says Ted in an awed voice. "No way, dude!" says Bill. "Way,"
says Ted. "Let's get outta here! RUFUS!" Bill and Ted shout together.
Suddenly, miraculously, a telephone booth pops up out of the sidewalk,
and Bill and Ted rush into it and disappear into a cloud of smoke,
leaving the tickets to flutter to the ground. Wayne rubs his knuckles on
his shirt and smiles. "Piece of cake."
"What geeks," says Garth, and grabs the tickets.
"Look out Aerosmith. Here we come! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Wayne begins to chant......
- John Hunter
- Wade Buehler, Berwick, PA
- Anonymous, University of Michigan
B&T COULD (and probably would) use their phone booth to meet their idols anytime they wanted--no pun intended. They have no logical reason to fight (not that they're noted for their skills of mental reasoning). W&G have to get tickets, passes, etc. to see their idols. They HAVE a reason to fight!
- Hilary Blythe Fraser
- Brian Rush
- John Moore
Next on the tag-team roster is Cassandra vs. the two princesses. Need I say more? Cassandra, the (schwing) BABE!! has kicked two party animals's butts just because they spilled their drinks at her (or something like that), while all the princesses can do is scream and faint.
Cassandra, by walk-over, after the "guys fight" (TM) which lasted about ten minutes.
- Carlo Dezerega
Bill and Ted take it in 30 minutes.
- Tim Chesson
I currently live in a suburb of Milwaukee and am quite dissatisfied with the little (cringe) remark.
- Tim Getschow
Even if outside influences are taken away officially, and I don't see how the Dr. could do that, Bill and Ted will come up with a way to fannagle those outside influences into the fight.
Bill and Ted win in 1.4 seconds.
- Paul D. Jones
- Kay AcKerson
The time traveling phone booth VS. Multiple plot outcome selection.
To the Ring. Ted: "After we win, we setup the tranquizer gun to shoot Wayne just as the opening bell rings! Yaaaaaa! (Air Guitar (TM) fill in here). Bell rings, Wayne's out cold, Garth falls to Bill & Ted in 20 seconds (even with 2:1, B&T still need time for their hits to take effect).
But Wait! Suddenly were back to Wanye's basement! Dodldodldodldodldodloot. W: "Wow that ending really sucked!" G:"Yeah! It blew big chucks!" W:"It was a total chunks onslaught!" G:"Chunkasaurus Rex!" ...(Ad Nauseum) W:"Lets see the totaly cool ending! Dodldodldodloot......"
Back to the ring... The trank gun misfires and explodes. Ted: "Whoa dude! It totaly misfired and exploded!" Bill: "Yeah Dude! Lets set up a garbage can to fall on Garth's Head!" Can falls on Bill instead and he becomes totaly disoriented. Wayne suddenly begins speaking in Dubbed Kung-Fu Movie-eesse, and unloades a can of WhompAss (TM) on Ted. W&G in 7 seconds.
But wait! Seeing defeat of his idols, Carlin travels to Wayne's basement, with his telephone booth containing Ozzy Ozbourne, Aerosmith, KISS, Alice Cooper, and Claudia Schiffer (SHWINGG!). Carlin explains the entire premisies of the B&T movies, and that all of these people will be W&G's personal slaves for a day IF they throw the fight. W&G graiciously accept the bribe.
Return to Ring: Wayne falls to Bill in 2 Seconds. Victory for BILL & TED!!!!!!!
- Kevin G.
SECOND, Bill was a vampire ("The Lost Boys"), and he could surely suck the blood out of Garth, who was a scared, amnesiac detective. ("Clean Slate")
- Victor C. Gonzales, El Monte, California
- Keith Pepin
- Ian Kennedy
- Milton C. Johns
It's Bills fault. If he had a Hollywood babe on his side, it could even things out. If I were his agent for this fight, I'd suggest picking up someone like Jamie Lee Curtis. We already know she stacks up well against Tia Carrere. That would leave Sondra vs. Kim and I think most people on the net would go with speed in that match-up.
- Stephen L. Schultz, Rochester, NY
For George Carlin to help our Wyld (tm) duo, he would compromise his alter ego, mild mannered (read: comatose) disc jockey, Johnny. In fact, certain industry (tm) insiders tell me (I hear them, really!) that George Carlin's album "What Am I Doing In New Jersey?" (tm) was originally to be called "What Am I Doing In Ohio?" but was thought to be a little too close for the CIA (tm) not to notice.
Furthermore, Spinal Tap's (tm) new drummer(s) was none other than "Station!" (tm) who blew up before finishing Bill & Ted's (tm) "Good robot mosh-fighter us's" (tm).
Not even Death (tm) can save them now.
- Nick Bucci
- Colonel Kilgore
So Garth and Ted are left to duke it out. Since it is clear that neither of these 2 could possibly fight to save their soul, the match must be settled in another way--a thumb war. Garth, a power drummer, is ready and takes out Ted, a horrid guitarist, for a quick 3 count.
Garth nabs the passes, gives one to dream girl(tm) and heads backstage.
DL: "We're back! Woo-hoo! Ha! Eeeeyyyyaaahh! Anyways... Paul, have I told you how wonderful you look in that dress tonight?"
PS: "No, but thank you, Dave."
DL: "And that Minnie Pearl hat? with the price tag? Perfection! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very, very special guest for you now. Hes has been doing comedy since... Since when Paul?"
DL: "Never mind since when. He has been making generations of us laugh. Please welcome to the frosty Ed Sullivan Theatre, George Carlin!"
[audience claps and hoots maniacally as Carlin reaches his spot]
GC: "Many years ago, I did a bit that got me in a lot of trouble with network executives. Since my career has been sagging lately, I thought I'd piss off a few people again."
[audience laughs inappropriately]
GC: "Here are the seven words you can't say on television:"
[network censors ready their fingers to bleep out anything emanating form Carlin's mouth]
GC: "Wayne and Garth declared Grudge Match winners."
DL: "That's all the time we have for tonight! Good night folks!"
[Schaeffer and the band cover a Wyld Stallyons song while Carlin shuffles off stage muttering to himself about Scooby-doo endings, the lack of blue food, and how he wants to find the time travelling phone booth]
- Joshua Jarvis
- J Patrick Hester
Steve is right, but he failed to mention Wayne and Garth's strongest points: ingenuity and a passion for foreign objects, respectively.
Remember, Wayne learned Cantonese in less than 10 movie minutes (which is approximately 1.35 days), and even masterminded the rescue of his girlfriend and her band from one of Satan's prettiest minions: Rob Lowe. If Wayne can outwit the EVIL ONE, Bill and Ted are mere child's play.
Then there is Garth's bar fight at the Gas Works. Granted he is a wimp, but with or without the Rage(tm), he is not one to merely hold a grudge but to act on it as well. (Recall that stun gun?) Within seconds of either Bill or Ted realizing what is going on and subsequently taking a swing at Garth, Bill or Ted will be knocked senseless with some sort of foreign object (perhaps even the venerable Dr. Johnny Fever, babies), and that will be that. Remember the Golden Rule of Wrestling: He who wields the foreign object is invincible.
- Bill Moreno
Unfortunately, they forgot they are at a hard rock and heavy metal concert. We're talkin' real RAGE(tm) here. Faster than you can say, "WE'RE GOING TO TOTALLY KICK YOUR ASS, BOGUS DISCO DUDES!!!", Bill, Ted, the mosh pit, the rest of the crowd, the roadies, the security guards, Metallica and Iron Maiden themselves pounce on and beat the living daylights out of the infidels.
In the resulting riot, everyone forgets about the tickets except for a couple of braindead teenagers. Yes, the undisputed tag-team champions Beavis and Butthead head backstage to "score" with the groupie chicks. Unfortunately, the first girls they make a pass at are actually the band Poison (an understandable mistake). But that is a story for another day...
- Paul Golba
>Both Wayne and Garth possess more than a double digit IQ. When we look at two of the most intelligent people in the world and see how they did on the wrestling circuit I think you'll know what I'm getting at. I am, of course, talking about the one and only Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage.
>Finally, Wayne and Garth have Cassandra who is the Miss Elizabeth of this tag team.
Here's what's going to happen:
Ted and Wayne start eyeing each other up. Ted invites Wayne to get into to infamous wrist lock grip that so often starts off great wrestling matches such as this. Foolishly Wayne accepts against the advice of Garth who is screaming tactical directions from the ropes. Wayne shrugs off Garth's dribble as nothing - he can handle it on his own, he doesn't need Garth. He moves closer to Ted and begins to raise his hands. Quickly Ted stamps on Wayne's foot, and as wayne bends down to clutch his foot Ted delivers a forearm with blistering accuracy to his face. Wayne is now on the mat stunned. Bill is busy shouting on the sideline to Ted - he wants a piece of the action. Ted moves over to Bill and tags him. Bill climbs into the ring and they prepare for the double team. Ted climbs onto the ropes to get onto Bill's shoulders. Quick as a flash Cassandra grabs Ted from behind and throws him off the ropes and onto the thinly padded concrete floor. Having completed her mission successfully she hurriedly returns to her corner. The reff somehow missed this entire thing and lets the match continue. Bill stomps towards Wayne, (who has now realised how stupid he was for not wanting Garth's help and has made up with him, making the whole friendship stronger than ever), and dives on top of him. Just before he lands Wayane rolls miraculously out of they way and Bill lands flat on his face. Wayne gets himself up and casually stamps on the back of Bill's head two or three times. With Bill momentarily stunned, Wayne moves to tag Garth stopping briefly to to acknowledge the crowd's applause. He tags Garth and they go for the double team. While Wayne grabs Bill and incapcitates his arms and legs, Garth's repressed sexuality shines through as he bites down on Bills testicles. Screams of pain shoot from Bills mouth. At this stage the reff has paused for a bite to eat and doesn't see any of this happening. Wayne returns to the corner and starts to make out with Cassandra while Garth starts going completely spastic and gets all the kicking he can in before Bill comes to. Hearing his buddies yelps of pain Ted picks himself off the floor and runs to the rescue. He leaps into the ring and rips Garth's head off. The reff is asleep and Wayne and Cassandra are in the middle of some big lovin'. Ted throws his wasted buddie on top of Garth's lifeless, headless body and tries to wake the reff. He wakes the reff and shows him the ring, the reff jumps in and starts the three count. ONE, TWO, THR.... He stops when he notices that part of Garth is touching the rope, albeit his head which is not attached to his body but for all intents and purposes it is PART of his body, therefore he can't be counted out. In a rage, and due to his lack of IQ, rather than moving the head, he throws Garths body over the ring. Interrupted by the body of his pal landing on him, Wayne, naked and sweating, withdraws, tags his buddies hand, and returns to the ring. He exacts his revenge with a blistering show of speed and strength. Getting Ted into a full nelson he breaks both his arms then does a textbook Suplex and leaves him choking for breath on the mat. Just for fun he picks up Bill and Pile Drives the shit out of him. He lies over the top of the two of them, making sure their not touching the ropes and the reff counts them out.
The crowd is ecstatic, Wayne is naked, Bill is unconscious, Ted is writhing in agony but thinking that maybe he should try something serious or even play in a band, Garth is dead, and Cassandra is pregnant. But there is triumph in the air. The death of Garth is certainly upsetting but atleast it solved the problem of whether it would be him or Cassandra that went backstage with Wayne.
Wayne and Garth without a doubt.
- Mr Happy Pants
First, the concert organizers jammed 7500 primarily young males into half a hockey arena, the vast majority of whom were stoned and\or drunk. The band arrived and with only passing reference to the crowd, began playing. Shortly after the concert began, a fistfight began in an isolated corner of the arena. With a contagion matched only by the deadliest of viruses, other fights started erupting around the arena. Soon, slam dances and mosh pits turned in to free for alls, with the losers in the tilts being carried out on canvas stretchers before mostly disinterested concert-goers (including myself). I clearly remember one fight being waged with a chair which had been formerly bolted to the concrete. During the action, the band continued with its set, its only concern seemingly being to goad the audience into making the sign of the devil.
As the meagre security entourage quickly exceeded its capabilities in handling the violence, the concession workers from the beer table were forced into action to prevent further damage to the arena and as an afterthought, to other Iron Maiden fans. This was followed by an immediate stampede to the newly-christened "free beer table", during which the small and infirm amongst the crowd were crushed. On stage the band wound up the evening by feigning electrocution of a 30 foot tall dead man (tm). The volcanic crowd discharged into the night, tipping over cars and accosting any female passers-by.
Now, this was just an ordinary concert, featuring average Iron Maiden fans. The possibility of what diehard fans could do for face time with Maiden is truly horrifying. The backstage pass prospects would awaken a crude and base savagery in these people, who would subsequently render all opponents into their constituent elements, and probably discorporate themselves in the ensuing blood lust.
Bill and Ted in a walk.
This leads to a match-up of Other Factors. When two great football teams compete, real clever newspapers put lists of offense, defense, special teams, pass rush, etc and rate the victor. Let's steal this idea.
Mode of Transport: W&G: AMC Pacer B&T: Time-travelling phone booth Analysis: While the time-travelling phone booth is certainly formidable, the AMC Pacer has also shown the ability to withstand the vagaries of time, staying as classic today as it was the day it was built back in the 70's. Future generations will use Pacers to colonize Mars. Winner: Toss-up.
Babes: W&G: Tia Carrere and Kim Basinger B&T: The Princesses Analysis: Putting aside the rather astonishing assets of Tia and Kim, the Princesses remained pure until their wedding night. Winner: W&G
Rock Band of Choice: W&G: Aerosmith B&T: Iron Maiden Analysis: Have any of these guys made a good tune since the 70's? "Jamie's Got a Gun" is the deciding (negative) factor. Winner: B&T
Movie Tunes: W&G: Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) B&T: God Gave Rock and Roll to You (KISS) Analysis: Overplayed cool song vs. Underplayed Weak Ballad KISS is Touring, Queen isn't. Winner: B&T
Hobby: W&G: Street Hockey ("Car!" "Game On!") B&T: Sitting at the Circle K ("Something is amiss at the Circle K.") Analysis: I love them both. Winner: Too Close to Call.
Home Town: W&G: Aurora, Illinois B&T San Dimas, California Analysis: Lame suburbs, both. San Dimas is the farthest place from the ocean in all of Los Angeles. Aurora is closer to Joliet than Lake Michigan. Winner: Either place could spawn a Sartre play. Tie.
Tech Abilities: W&G: Garth can spot-weld a space shuttle from a vacuum cleaner. B&T: Can chew gum to hold together antenna. Analysis: Cattle Prod vs. Robots of Selves... Winner: W&G
Mothers: W&G: Typical midwestern housemom B&T: Missy Analysis: "Remember that time you asked your mom to Prom?" "Shut up, Ted!" Winner: B&T
Special Friends: W&G: Ed O'Neil, Rob Lowe B&T: George Carlin, Death Analysis: While Mr. Carlin was funny IN HIS PRIME, his FOX show is the least funny thing to happen on TV since the Kennedy Assassination. Meanwhile, Married With Children just keeps rolling on like Facts of Life. And, who can forget Rob Lowe's most memorable appearance, in that special film he made in his hotel room at the Republican Convention? Winner: W&G
Real World Actors: W&G: Dana Carvey = lame movies and failed TV show (not just SNL) Mike Myers = lame movies and failed TV show (SNL) B&T: Some loser who can't act, and Alex Winter. Analysis: The Scottish Guy has it (If it's no Scottish, it's crap!) Winner: W&G
Overall: W&G in a squeaker. At least, until they do another lame sequel. However, if either of these pairs of guys comes up against Beavis and Butthead, I'm betting on the dudes who know Cornholio!
- Jon Hodapp
Factor out the Americans, and while Keanu works out more, Mike is more adept at the sneaky fighting shit, such as hitting Keanu with a hockey stick when he isn't paying attention. Plus the Wayne's World movies are better than the Bill & Ted Movies. And That's A Fact!
Most Americans like to think that Canadians are too polite (sorry, but it's true) but when it comes down to crunch in defending what believe in, ass-kicking suddenly surfaces all-dressed to go. Don't forget Wayne is also a serious Martial Artist and if hockey doesn't teach much, it does instill a certain prediliction for underhanded and quick violence.
Wayne & Garth have the lock since they play street hockey, while the best Bill & Ted can do is play air-guitar (and not very well either).
- Jonathan Maness
The fight begins, and Ted raises his arms into the crane fighting position and approaches Garth. "You're confronted by two robotic us-es that can rip you limb-from-limb. What do you do? What do you do?"
Garth backs away nervously, frantically searching his tv-filled memory for a way to fight the robotic menace. Cautiously, he asks Ted, "W-well, suppose I told you that everything I say is a lie?"
"Yeah, so?" answers Ted.
"W-well, I'm lying right now!"
This logical paradox immediately begins to overwhelm the already overloaded brain of Ted, and steam starts pouring out of his ears. "If everything you say is a lie, then you can't be telling the truth, but if you say you lie you're telling the truth, but... Norman! Coordinate, dude!" A second later, the robotic Bill and Ted slump lifelessly, and the real Ted freezes into permanent stupefication.
Garth mutters to himself, "Captain Kirk, eat your heart out!"
Meanwhile, Wayne and Bill are waging a battle that could rip apart the very fabric of reality, if hypothetical battles like this were real. Bill repeatedly goes back in time to rig the fight for his victory, only to have Wayne reverse the result with his wavy-hand alternate ending magic. At a standoff, they finally recognize that the only way to end the fight is the old-fashioned way, with fists. Wayne, an experienced kung-fu fighter, jumps into a fighting stance, and gets ready to finish off Bill. Suddenly, Wayne's fate is in question as Death tosses his sickle to Bill, who prepares to slash Wayne.
Taking advantage of Bill's monumental stupidity, Wayne comments, "You idiot; it's not even loaded!" Confused, Bill stops to look at the point of the blade. With a single kick, Wayne plunges the blade into Bill's eye up to the hilt, killing him and ending the battle.
Wayne struts and Garth grins as they walk over to collect their passes. As they savor the feeling of holding the passes, Wayne looks at his, and exclaims, "Hey, these aren't Aerosmith tickets; they're for Kraftwerk!"
Dieter and the Sprockets Dancers jump out from the sidelines, and Dieter says "Now is the time on Wayne's World when we dance!"
- Michael Kieras
oh yeah... almost forget..
B E E X C E L L E N T T O O N E A N O T H E R ! ! !
- Raoul Legreen
As the fight gets under way, Wayne uses the patented head-banger's whip-lash hair (tm) to get the better of a clueless Bill. Soon, scarred by near-dangerous flesh wounds, Bill tags out.
Wayne winds up to start thrashing Ted, but suddenly suffers from a violent neck-muscle-spasm and is forced to tag out. Garth climbs into the pit, and starts to make threatening-sounding noises and inhuman faces. Ted rips off his plaid shirt (worn as a belt) and wraps a convenient piece of soap in it. Ted, armed with his deadly make-shift weapon, is on the verge of totally soaping Garth!
Just then, though, the tide turns! Voices ring out from the far edge of the pit:
"GET HIM! GET HIM! EHEHEHEHEH." "Uh, Yeah, uhhuh, clobber his sorry bunghole." "YEAH! YEAH! LET HIM HAVE IT!"
That's right, its none other than Beavis and Butt Head. A gasp goes up from the watching crowd, and Johny Fever starts looking for a place to hide. Clearly, Beavis and Butt Head are going to be a most destructive factor here.
Bill, recovering slightly from his wounds, approaches Beavis and Butt Head, and after several minutes of intense negotiations*, they sign a leagally binding treaty. From here, the fight gets so twisted (sister) that I would not care to speculate on the exact couse of events.
In the end, it turns out that Ted and Bill find that Beavis and Butt Head are really a liability, and Wayne and Garth most triumphantly thrash Bill and Ted.
* For the record, here is an excerpt from the negotiations:
Beavis: "I AM BUNGHULIO!" Bill: "Bitchen, dude." Butt Head: "Shut up, butt munch.- mmiller
" Beavis: "OWWWWW!" Bill: "Bitchen, dude."
WAYNE? BILL? HA HA HA Ooooooh that's funny. Y' see, these pathetic pairs are both gonna lose. Y'see, while they're rumblin' in the mosh pit, a Dark Cloud[TM] is going to descend from the back rows.... (Queue ominous music)
FIRST FIGURE: Hey ya hoser, that was a nice shortcut, eh? Only took us twice as long to get here. SECOND FIGURE: If ya don't like th' way I drive, maybe we should take yer car next time, eh? I hope we can push't fast enough. FIRST: Pipe down, eh? These seats are bad 'nough without yer cat-stranglin' voice drownin' out the music. SECOND: But lookee there. Seems there's a couple passes up fer grabs in the front rows there. Those hosers're fightin fer 'em. FIRST: What a buncha wimps. Lessee if we can get them passes, eh?And so begins the Charge of the Hosers upon the mosh pit. Bill, alas, is the first to fall. Waiting for a tag from Ted on the sidelines, he's also blocking the Dread Hoser's path to the rest of the crew. He gets steamrolled so bad that the cleanup crew needs a jackhammer to scrape 'im off the floor. Wayne, concentrating on Ted's next strike, unfortunately had his back to the onslaught. He dies quickly from an astonishingly brutal series of kidney punches. Ted has a split second to flee while Wayne falls, but is too paralyzed by terror. He gets his nose punched up into his frontal lobe. Fortunately, he never used that particular lump of nuerons, so he doesn't die until his heart gets carved out by a broken Milwakee's Best bottle.
Garth, alas, does his best to fly from this unlooked-for horror, but the other moshers won't let him escape, hoping to appease the Dread Hosers with this final sacrifice. Garth meets his death with his eyes open-- and pried from their sockets by a used toothpick.
The rest of the mosh pit, overjoyed to see Keanu Reeves dead, quickly cede the passes to the newcomers in a mix of terror and delight. Our good hosers, however, are woefully disappointed-- they thought this was the Styx reunion concert.
Never mess with someone whose hat has earflaps, --Rosencrantz
Bill and Ted win easily with a double close-line finished by a couple of elbows that would make Wayne piss his pants and start crying.
- Peter Aden
Hey WWWF Dudes !!!!!, Bill and Ted :...It's US dudes !!....Bill and Ted, and we are Sytmied !! Bill:...How could this be happening? Ted:...What Bill? Bill:...Ted Man !....We're losing !! Ted:..NO Way !!.. Bill: ... Yes Way !!, and that means NO Iron Maiden tickets !!... Ted:... this is.. is...ah, most non-triumphant ! How could this be happening? Bill:...I just said that!! Ted:...wwaWhat? Bill:..."how could this be happening"... Ted:...Hey ! maybe we should "Melvin" them...ah...what's their names? Bill:..Wayne and Garth, and Garth looks like he's been Melvined for life... Ted:...how could we not beat that wussie?... Bill:...man Ted, we need time , we need the ..Booth.... Ted:..ah !! the "Booth"... Bill:..this is most, most Heinous.... Ted:.....yeah, Totally non-Excellent....
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