World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

A knock comes at Mr. Rogers' front door. Mr. Rogers looks up from feeding his fish. "Well, I wonder who that could be? Let's go find out!"

A brief melody plays in step with Mr. Rogers as he walks up to the door and opens it. "Well, Hello neighbor! Look, it's our new neighbor, Captain Kangaroo. Please come on in, Captain."

Captain Kangaroo, dressed in his sharp red coat, returns the greeting and steps inside. "Fred, I wonder if I could borrow some ping pong balls."

"Of course, anything for my new neighbor. Please, have a seat while I get it." Captain Kangaroo walks into the living room to wait.

Mister Rogers screams in horror. "Your shoes! You forgot to take off your shoes! Oh dear, the carpet will be ruined!"

Captain Kangaroo, looks on as Mister Rogers frets over the carpet. Not wanting to do any more damage, he sits down. Snap! Captain Kangaroo stands back up, and turns around to see he sat on and crushed Trolley (tm). He picks up its crushed frame and walks towards Mister Rogers. "Fred, I'm terribly sorry..."

Mister Rogers sees the damage and he cracks. "You Bastard! King Friday and his Kingdom are marooned now!" His rage grows. Then his voice changes to a deep growling voice uncharacteristic of Mister Rogers. "I'm gonna kill you."

"I'm not about to be killed by a little twerp like you. Come on, show me what you got!"

The two circle and prepare to duke it out.

So, Brian, which happy host has his heiney handed to him??

Captain Kangaroo and Mister Rogers

Captain Kangaroo

vs.

Mister Rogers

The Commentary

BRIAN: All I can say is that I really hope the PBS cameras aren't rolling while this happens. The sight of the bloodied Rogers carcass may be the final piece of ammunition Congress needs to cut all PBS funding. Not that anyone would actually notice.

Let's look at his resume: Captain Kangaroo was a U.S. Marine! Thus, unlike the fraud known as "Colonel" (snicker) Sanders, Captain Kangaroo may have actually earned his title. He probably knows 18 different ways to kill a normal person with a single finger, nevermind what he could do to this dork. Additionally, Captain is from upstate New York. That's hockey country. Mr. Rogers wears a sweater. Before the eye can blink, Kangaroo has that cardigan pulled over Rogers head and is beating him like a Red Wing beats Claude Lemieux.

Now, onto the shortcomings of Mr. Rogers. How much time do I have? Whatever it is, it's not enough. First of all, while CK is trained in death, Rogers is trained in the ministry. He's an ordained Presbyterian minister. A killing machine he is not, Steve. Second, he's an absolute wimp. I once saw him shoot some baskets and get severely winded, to the point of having trouble breathing, after only shooting six. Oh, and did I mention that he was sitting down at the time! This guy up against a Marine? No chance. Finally, notice how tenderly he talks to the children watching the show. Notice that he changes his shoes and sweater in every episode, sending the message that it's OK for children to watch a grown man getting undressed. Notice that he has a friend named Mr. "McFeely". Jeffrey Dahmer's fate has shown us what happens to perverts like this when left in closed quarters with dangerous people such as prisoners or ex-marines.

The Captain approaches Rogers. Rogers lifts his left hand to reveal... King Friday! "Halt! In the name of the King!" The forensic proctologist is never able to retrieve King Friday's crown.

STEVE: I can't believe you'd pick that bloated, walking piece of fat over Mister Rogers. Mister Rogers is a lithe, nimble fighting machine who is undoubtedly under the influence of The Rage (tm). Captain Kangaroo is an overweight butterball who is already one twinkie short of a heart attack. He probably worked up a sweat walking up to Mr. Rogers' front door. He is in no condition for any physical exertion. Within about ten seconds, he'll be clutching his chest in pain and groping for his nitroglycerin pills. The mere threat of Fred's words is likely to send him into arrhythmia.

We also must look at Captain Kangaroo's red jacket. Obviously, Captain Kangaroo must be a card-carrying communist to wear such a horrific piece of red clothing. A global theme which is an intricate part of both history and entertainment is that time and time again the communists must always lose. Rocky beat the Communist in Rocky IV. We stole the Russians' submarine in The Hunt for Red October. James Bond beat them numerous times. And the Communists lost the Cold War. I think it's clear that the Captain is doomed to fail before he even begins.

You are being very shortsighted discounting the characters from the Land of Make-Believe. This land is still a monarchy, and he's pissed off the king. Not wise. You may laugh and say that these imaginary characters are useless. But I just read Sphere (from the creator of Jurassic Park), and he assures me that imagination makes us all god-like in our abilities. With a whole land of these imaginary characters, all under control of an enraged king, Captain Kangaroo will be destroyed in seconds.

I'd like to paraphrase the prophets known as The Statler Brothers, who foresaw this match a long time ago:

...Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo
Now don't tell me, that he's not through

BRIAN: There is the brink of insanity, Steve, and then there is the abyss. The Statler Brothers? The Statler Brothers??!! So if the Oak Ridge Boys were to have mentioned Mr. Rogers in one of their songs, then that would also be relevant in this discussion? Oh, but of course they haven't. Because Mr. Rogers isn't even interesting enough to warrant consideration for inclusion in COUNTRY MUSIC lyrics, the same lyrics which continually focus on pick-ups, dogs, and beer. Pitiful.

Oh, and I'll humor you for a second about the Captain's red coat. Let's just say that the color of his coat proves that he is a Card-Carrying Communist (tm). While this fact would eventually doom him to failure, it does not doom him to failure in this fight. Yes, communism always fails, but it takes the likes of Rocky, James Bond, or the economic collapse resulting from a mindboggling build-up of massive intercontinental nuclear warheads combined with 3 dead leaders in 5 months to do it! The pitiful Mr. Rogers is a mere Czechoslovakia for the Red Menace (tm) that is Captain Kangaroo. The Captain will continue his reign of terror until he meets up with his own personal Rocky: a reincarnated Bob Ross.

And let me close by pointing out that the Captain clearly wasn't borrowing one ping pong ball, but enough to drop from his ceiling. He'll need a friend to help carry them all back. Thus, we cannot forget the importance of Mr. Green Jeans in this battle. I remind our readers that any fashion statement is a fashion risk. For a grown man to wear jeans that are not blue or black is simply not accepted in today's society. Clearly, this is a man unwavering in his convictions, and one not afraid to stand his ground. Plus, anyone brave enough to wear green jeans has most certainly been in his share of fights. And the simple fact that red and green are complementary colors shows the teamwork these two possess. This pair of warriors will tag team Mr. Rogers, and any possible friends he might "believe" to be real, into oblivion.

STEVE: While we're bringing others into the fray, let's not forget where we are. Yes, it's Mister Rogers Neighborhood, not Captain Kangaroo's neighborhood. Mister Rogers has lived there for like thirty years. He's a part of the good ol' boy network. As soon as word gets out, you had better believe that help is on the way. And after this fight is over, Captain K will probably continue to find flat tires on his kangaroomobile, broken windows, and maybe a dead moose or two on his front lawn.

Sometimes your comments puzzle me. Your whole Green Jeans argument is based on the premise that Captain Kangaroo needs help to carry back ping-pong balls. The last time I checked, ping-pong balls don't weigh anything. A whole crate of them would probably weight like 5 pounds or so. And you admit that Captain Kangaroo needs help carrying them? Your own argument shows how weak and decrepit the Captain has become. Yet you still think he can beat Mister Rogers. Strange.

And while we're still talking about clothing, there is another facet to the Captain's red jacket. Doesn't it bear a remarkable similarity to that of the red-shirted ensigns? (See this historic match for more info.) When up against a non-red-wearing person, he is of course doomed to failure. After mere seconds, the fight will be over. The Mister Rogers theme will begin to play. The camera will begin to pan over to Picture-picture(tm) which will show an image of Captain Kangaroo with X's for eyes. The camera will then slowly zoom out over the once-again peaceful Mister Rogers Neighborhood.

Thanks to the many people that have suggested this or a similar match. Special thanks to "Dr. Dave" for being the first.

The Results

It's child's play for

Captain Kangaroo (1595)

to defeat

Mister Rogers (1010)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

Rogers. Here's why. It is far to facile to view this match as simply a mano-a-mano faceoff. Roger's is obviously the metaphorical leader of the Free World (TM). "Captain" Kangaroo represents our political detractors. We must examine the politcal ma ke-up of the Land of Make Believe (TM) to understand the determining factors leading to Rogers inevitable victory.

King Friday, Queen Sarah, and Prince Tuesday are an obvious metaphor for our own "royal" family of Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea. A benevolent dictator with an apparently passive wife whom we all KNOW has her own way behind closed doors (and well she should !). A quiet, only child who stands as almost-mute testimony to the sanctity of nuclear family and the American Dream (TM).

X the Owl and Henrietta Pussycat are a painfully obvious metaphor for East and West Germany both before and after unification. Grudgingly locked in a symbiotic relationship, they have each come to an uneasy truce with their neighbor which may, in time, d evelop into a true alliance. With the help of "King Friday" (read: Rogers), X -- a slow talking determined personality obviously fashioned after the values of the old south, has won over "Henrietta" (read: formery red commie Germany), a capricious, unsta ble personality who is hard to understand when she speaks and probably doesn't pay her bills on time. So, we see the inevitable creeping influence of Rogers and his ability to gain allies.

But there's more!!! Lady Elaine Fairchild is clearly meant to represent communist Russia. It's so obvious. She is overbearing, loud, obnoxious, and closely resembles every highly ranked Russian leader of the past decade or more. I wouldn't be surprised to find bottles of vodka hidden all over that spinning house of hers. (listen closely to the song "Won't You Be My Neighbor" played backwards. You will clearly hear Lady Elaine's strident voice declaring "we will bury you.") But we know what happened t o those guys too, don't we? Democracy wins again.

The Platypus Family represent Switzerland and are therefore perpetually neutral and above the complicated machinations of the political power structure in the Land of Make Believe. But they have more dough than King Friday (they need it to cover their h uge bills!!! guffaw! I made a funny).

Daniel Tiger! He lives in a large clock reminiscent of the Eiffel Tower if you down a few Tequila shots and squint real hard. The hell with the french and the hell with the Eiffel Tower. The hell with Daniel Tiger. He's a wuss. But his clock-home is reminiscent of our own fast approaching "Nuclear Midnight" and reminds us that we must remain ever-vigilant in the face of our detractors. But the Platypi and Tiger are, finally, ostensibly democratic influences!!

Thus, we see that Rogers has the the power of all the Allied forces (except for Italy, and we are better off without them -- heck, they elect porn stars to political office. . . On second thought. . .nevermind), plus he claims reunified Germany and a quic kly democratizing Soviet Union at his beck and call. The trolley may be out of commission briefly, but, as we have seen in countless WWII movies, other trolleys will rise to take the place of their fallen comrade-in-arms. Once the residents of the Land Of Make Belive are mustered, "Captain" Kangaroo will be vanquished, and that right quickly.

(Hmmmm, Kangaroos are from Australia, a land entirely peopled by criminals.)

So, it is clear that Rogers CANNOT lose. Democracy and the American Way (TM) will always prevail over our opposites. Here's Rogers, sitting peacefully, going about the business of taking care of his own. CK, this gigantic upstart, forces his way into t he picture under obviously false pretenses (like he could ever, actually, run out of Ping Pong balls! Pshaw!) and forces Rogers into a confrontation. Rogers has no choice but to teach him a little respect.

And don't forget, one of CK's favorite books is "The Story About Ping". A book set where? CHINA!!! Need I say more?

This brief outline of the situation barely scratches the surface. But I think it makes the general point. Rogers must win for the world to continue in it's courses. For the Good of All: Rogers.

- AmyArcher

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

This looks to be a pretty evenly matched fight. But there's one thing that tips the scale in Captain Kangaroo's favor. Wardrobe. Yes, wardrobe.

Mister Rogers will appear to be winning the fight with the initial left hook. But then, after delivering the first punch, he'll be in the mood for a good roundhouse kick. To do that, he'll have to pause to change into his Roundhouse Kick Cardigan (tm). While he's doing that, Captain Kangaroo will give him a good kidney punch or two, and if Rogers can even stand up after that, he won't be able to fight effectively. And even if he did deliver the intended move, he'll have to change into his Head Butt Cardigan (tm), followed by his 2-1 Combo Cardigan (tm), followed by his Groin Kneeing Sweater Vest (tm).

Furthermore, while all of this is happening, Captain Kangaroo will easily be able to tell by watching which clothing Mister Rogers chooses which punch he will throw next. But I think he's a pretty straightforward kinda guy. The second that Rogers turns toward the closet, Kangy will be all over him like, well, like French women on a Jerry Lewis centerfold.

Oh, and one other thing. I always thought the Oak Ridge Boys and the Statler Brothers were the same people. Are they? Does anyone know? And if not, who is ripping off whom?

- Turkey Volume Guessing Woman

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

You blew it big time with this match, guys. Honestly, a drive by slapping in Greenwich Village would be more thrilling than this match, fercrissake!

Do you honestly think, Steve, that Mr. Rogers is capable of feeling any emotion through that thick fog of Flintstones chewable Valium? I am deeply saddened by your belief that Mr. Rogers has the Rage (TM). It was unconvincing and felt tacked on. I've seen outtakes of Mr. Rogers trying to put up a pup tent, one of life's most stressful tests of human patience. Rather than take his frustrations out on the crew filming him, he kept on trying for hours with that silly medicated smile on his face. Mr. Rogers is the antithesis of The Rage(TM).

Meanwhile, Brian's lame argument of Captain Kangaroo earning his title is proof that someone has renewed his prescription of moron pills. Four words, Brian: The Captain and Tenille! Anyone can pick up the title of Captain at the local army surplus. I, for example, am now Captain of the 197th cross-dressing cavalry (hey, it was marked down to five bucks!). Neither of these competitors would be able to draw blood, much less inflict lethal force. At worst, they would scratch each other severely.

As the two TV sissies try to work out their problem, in a non-physically violent way, an enraged Eddie Murphy kicks in the door and screams "GET YOUR BITCH ASSES OUTTA HERE! THIS IS MR. ROBINSON'S HOOD NOW!" Buoyed by a career that has recently given us Metro, The Nutty Professor, and Vampire in Brooklyn, Robinson bludgeons both Kangaroo and Rogers and gets back to teaching the youth of America about becoming Oomptepenoors.

- HotBranch!

You guys seem to overlook one minor detail... their names. The name "Rogers" usually does not strike anyone as being menacing or good in a fight. Kangaroos, on the other hand, can put up quite a fight. Just ask Sylvester the Cat. He has yet to beat the bouncing BABY kangaroo. He hasn't even faced a full-grown kangaroo.

I predict that the captain will hop all over Rogers in no time.

- Corfy

It is clear to me that this is not merely a battle between two aging children's TV show hosts -- in fact, it is a cosmic clash between two primal forces. The evidence is clear:

1. Mr. Rogers is always taking impressionable youngsters on trips to see how glass is made, or milk is bottled, or laser rifles are manufactured or some such thing. Clearly he represents the forces of Technology in modern society.

2. Captain Kangaroo . What could be more obvious? This man's namesake inhabits the one continent still largely untamed by the trappings of modern society. Also, the Captain consorts with wild creaturs such as Gnus and has a sidekick named Mr. "Green" Jeans. What more clues do we need to see his true essence -- vengeful avatar of Mother Nature run amok?

So, we have here a battle of Technology vs. Nature. Which will win? Well, what is more technological than the WWW? Out of sheer patriotism we should all vote for Mr. Rogers. But if you need more proof, witness the ignominious defeat of Poison Ivy in the latest Batman Film. And Kangaroo doesn't even have the Babe Factor.

- RC

This match is forgetting one, very critical factor: this is the ORIGINAL Captain Kangaroo, not that cheap, blue-clad imitation! And if memory serves, Keeshan was hopping mad (no pun intended) at how his character was first TAKEN FROM HIM, and then bastardized by the suits at Saban(tm). That's an AWFUL lot of pure rage that the man is obviously venting and more than willing to take out on someone.

My prediction: Captain beats Rogers senseless in a honkin' big rush of adrenaline, leaving ol' Fred in "Make-Believe Land" for a long long time.

- Chris Knight

Shame, shame, shame! Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers are the paragon of humanity - men who have become icons of benevolence and goodwill by their kindness to children. I remember being a snotnosed kid, watching this sweater-wearing guy sing about how he liked me just the way I am. Heck, what was another one - how it was a good feeling (a very *good* feeling) to be alive. And Captain Kangaroo... do you guys remember the days before cable and VCRs? Don't you remember the paucity of stuff to watch on teevee? If you woke up too early, there wasn't anything to watch but test patterns and (shudder) the FARM REPORT! The Captain's show was a beach-head, a dependable pillar of ping-pong balls, carrots and "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake". And careful with your Bob Ross allusions: the world's a bit more grim now there are no more happy little trees.

You guys oughta be forced to watch reruns of Big Valley.

- slimpickins 

Mister Rogers will either:

     a. pause to give a lecture to the kiddies on the evils of
        fighting.  

        Result: Captain K has a chance to get in a good punch while 
                he's not paying attention.

     b. realise that what he is doing is Wrong and break into a 
        touching rendition of "Won't you be my Neighbor"

        Result: Captain K has a chance to get in a good punch while 
                he's not paying attention.

or   c. discover someone from The Land Of Make-Believe has stubbed 
        his/her/its toe, and use the occasion to teach the kiddies 
        about wonderful home remedies

        Result: Captain K has a chance to get in a good punch while 
                he's not paying attention.

TKO, Captain K wins.  (And P.S. Stevie, your grand Mister Rogers wears 
red sweaters on occasion!)

- Kil

Mr. Rogers is powerless outside the Neighborhood of Make-Believe(TM), which, with Trolley destroyed, is now inaccessible to him. But Captain Kangaroo takes his two most dreaded weapons with him wherever he goes. First, his eerie power to summon ping-pon g balls from the Realm of Sporting Goods(TM) upon command will rain plastic death upon poor Rogers faster than you can say, "Speedy delivery." Then, with Rogers weakened, he calls in his goon squad -- the Evil Wind-Up Mariachi Monkey Band of Doom(TM)! T hese grinning simian assassins reduce Rogers to a whipmering wreck. Dennis and Mr. GreenJeans arrive to "dispose" of the body, and Kangaroo moves on to that Sebastian Cabot wannabe who has taken his name. None are safe from the power of the Marsupial Ma ster!

- Richard

IT ALL SEEMED so simple. Our good captain eviscerates Mr. Rogers via the Mr. Greenjeans factor. Mr. Greenjeans, the good. Mr. Greenjeans, the just. Mr. Greenjeans, Destroyer of Worlds. But I digress.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR. Who could it be? Why, if it isn't Mr. McFealy, of the speedy delivery service! Delivering his message of carnage and pain. That's right, folks; the Disgruntled Postman (© 1995) factor washes even fell Greenjeans out with the trash. And suddenly, it's anyone's game.

So, once again we are forced to ask the question, What's in a name? Lessee. Captain Kangaroo. Wait a second. That's an Aussie name or I'm a platypus. It seems one of our friends comes from the Land Down Under. Land of Mel Gibson, Foster's, and Vegemite. Our good friend the capt. probably has years of experience hunting big game in the Outback. Even more, he is a captain. Now, I ask you, what do you think is necessary to become a ranking officer in the Australian army? You probably have to kill a crocodile with your bare hands or something. Perhaps you're required to take out some national embarassment like Paul Hogan or Yahoo Serious. In any case, it's clear the man is doubly qualified for a fight.

Compare this to Mr. Rogers. The only other Rogers I can think of is Ginger Rogers. Now, while such a Rogers could certainly glide circles around our good Captain on the dance floor, I somehow believe the combat abilities would be lacking. And, let's face it. This Rogers is no Ginger.

Ergo, it seems Mr. Rogers will have new neigbors by the name of Adolf Hitler and The Brady Family in a very low pit of Hell. 'Roo, meanwhile, will take advantage of such initiative and claim Friday's kingdom as a Territ'ry of Australia.

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street,

--Riboflavin

Allies: Green Jeans aside, The Captain has numerous other captains on his side (Captain Planet, Captain America, Captain Kirk,Cap'n Crunch, The Captain and Tenile(snicker), etc.). Who does Rogers have? Ginger Rogers, Roger Ebert, Roy Rogers, Roger Rabbitt, and Buck Rogers. With 2 superheroes, a musical group, and a host of military heroes, this one deffinately goes to the K man.

As soon as Mr. Rogers raises his voice, Captain Kangaroo gives him a Captain Kirk Death Chop to the Neck (TM) and then sits on him, crushing his frail body and ending his pitiful life.

- Brad

I think we're forgetting some of the original point here. I mean, who the heck were the ping-pong balls for anyway? That's right,the Cap'n's true-blue puppet companion, Mister Moose! And when the Moose-man finds out that his shipment's been delayed, we're gonna see RAGE(TM) like we've never seen before! Just a few rounds from his Hyper-auto-ping-pong-cannon(TM) will have the citizens of make-believe running for their treehouses! This in itself may be a moot point, seeing that there is now no transport between The Neighborhood and the Land of Make-Believe since The Cap'n cannilly took out the trans-dimensional trolley, leaving Mr. Rogers no connection to his world of fantasy - an excellent bit of military sabotage by the Cap'n! So now all poor Mr. Rogers has working for him is an ancient mailman, an 8-track video screen, and a couple of bloated fish. And don't forget The Cap'n's ace-in-the hole: Bill Cosby!! Yep, the Cos is back with more Picture Pages and his magic pen - which he'll use to write an epitaph on Rogers' tombstone (and I don't mean pizza!) All hail the Captain, baby!

- Riff

Both contestants will bitch-slap each other mercilessly until they realize they both must exist to maintain balance in the universe. During the tearful apologies, the Captain and Mr. R will learn of an all-consuming evil that is overwhelming their market share.

They must use Roo's fighting strength along with Rogers' military cunning and swear alliegence to their noble cause for the battle of a lifetime.

Dedicated, these two warriors for children's education must band together, as the ying and the yang. . .

to destroy the ultimate foe - Barney!

Upon victory, Rogers will feed dried dragon meat to his fish while the Captain will don a new purple sport coat.

- RBaker

It is obvious that the winner of this match must be Captain Kangaroo. Mister Rogers, while perhaps wiry and nimble, is no match for the Captain's secret weapons: Bunny Rabbit, Mr. Moose and the Dancing Bear. As Bunny Rabbit distracts Mister Rogers with a bunch of carrots (greens still attached), Mr. Moose beans him with a wagon load full of ping pong balls (dropped from the ceiling). Stunned, Mister Rogers drops to the floor, where he is immediately stomped to death by the overly stuffed Dancing Bear. In the meantime, the Captain laughs himself sick, jingling his keys on the HUGE keyring. How did the Captain come up with this diabolical plan? The magic drawing board, of course. Captain Kangaroo does not even need to lift a finger to effect this victory. The Captain, in a walk.

- Vomit Death

What is the mystery here? Mr. Rogers with his lean, compact frame, a veritable ninja mind you, would crush the tubby, marsupial-lovers larynx in under 5 seconds. Let's look at the facts: When he enters his house, his dojo if you will, he removes he heavy shoes for light, breathable shoes and chooses a sweater for the easy freedom of deadly movement. Nothing is more lethal than a Master of the Fighting Arts defending his home. The only way he would get scratched is if he stood between Roo-boy and the fridge.

- Bob, Black Belt of the Roger-Fu.

Let's not concentrate this battle solely on the participants. Heavens, no! Let's instead look at what almost surely made these two: their puppet sidekicks.

While Mr. Rogers has a few weasely hand-puppets who have a VERY limited range of motion (all of whom he does the voices for, might I add), Captain Kangaroo has ACTUAL puppets who have HUGE ranges of motion ... arms, antlers, and the like. And he has OTHER people do the puppeteering and voices for them, just like on _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ or C-SPAN.

And, I think that Captain Kangaroo has more influence over the other puppets who were ever on PBS. His time-slot was so much closer to those of _Sesame Street_ and _The Letter People_ than Mister Rogers, whose time-slot was in the afternoon, when it's time for all good babies to be sleeping and not watching his show. With Big Bird(tm) and Ms. E(tm) on his side, CK would Be One with the prize. And that's not just an Obsession of mine.

- The Amazing Indeterminable Quark, Part IV

The Captain and company have definitely started trouble in the wrong neighborhood, boys and girls. Let's look at the opposing forces. First, we have the obese Mister Marsupial himself, backed by the arthritic and senile Mr. Green Jeans and his "longtime companion" Dennis. Grandfather Clock snoozes through the entire rumble; Mr. Moose gets a little lesson in "ass" kicking from Donkey Hotey; and Bunny Rabbit sneaks into the kitchen to look for carrots, only to have his meow-meow-meowing eyes scratched out by Henrietta Pussycat.

Contrast that with the amphetamine-enhanced Mister McFeely making a speedy delivery of ice cold death. Chef Brockett's lifetime of experience with knives and other less pleasant kitchen implements. Fred Rogers' "leaping puppet" kung fu. Air support from X the owl. Naval support from Fred's aquarium full of piranha. The supernatural malevolence of Lady Elaine Fairchild. The Mythical, Medieval, and Malformed Rage(tm) of Robert Troll.

And, let's not forget Fred's special episode devoted to the notion that TV isn't real. An episode which featured guest appearances from Bill Bixby and, yes, the Incredible Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno. Throw in a cameo from a very young Michael Keaton and you'll see that even the most desperate measures won't help the Captain survive in this Kangaroo Court. Let's make some popcorn and gather ‘round Picture Picture for the instant replay. Can you say "carnage"? I knew you could.

- Dr. Dave

How do you Cornell Chem Grads have time for this? When I was a grad student at Cornell, admittedly in the olden days, before grade inflation, I had to WORK!!!

So either you guys are geniuses or you are flunking out. I think the latter.

Oh, about Mr. Roger: Goodness always prevails. He can always claim he was temporarily possessed by the devil, but has been reborn. It worked for Erlichman, didn't it?

- jwbarton

Ah, but what of Karla Faye Tucker? NOW who's not doing their homework? -Eds.

Rogers watches in horror as the Trolley is imprinted on Kangaroo's ass, and a small tear comes to his eye, as his lower lip quivers a little. But that soon changes, as the tear is replaced by Hellish fury, and the quivering lip twists into an enraged gri mace. He clenches his fists, turns red, and for a moment one can almost see steam come out of his ears.

Then 30 plus years of internal turmoil bubbles to the surface, and Rogers charges Kangaroo. The good Captain's reflexes being slowed by his bulk, he hardly has time to react. Rogers manages to topple Kangaroo, and his weight gives him the momentum to cr ash through the wall, into the model street.

A good old-fashioned street brawl takes place as a crowd of Rogers neighbors forms a circle around the two, pelting Kangaroo with bottles and rocks. Kangaroo manages to do his damage, but this only serves to further anger Mr. Rogers, who pounds the portl y ex-Marine to a mushy pulp.

Both of them become exhausted, Mr. Rogers because under all that Rage (tm) he's still a geek, and Kangaroo because of tons of donuts pressing down on his heart. After they both catch their breath, the battle moves back inside the house.

The two keep duking it out, until Rogers cleverly grabs Kangaroo by his hair, and forces his plump face into the fish tank. Two minutes pass, and Kangaroo stops struggling, finally subdued by the lack of air, and fish poop.

Mr. Rogers plucks the corpulent Captain's corpse from the water, and his massive bulk keeps him upright, like some inflatable bop bag.

Then, to Rogers surprise, a stream of water gushes from Kangaroo's mouth, hitting him in the eye. Kangaroo's eyes flick open, with just as much Rage (tm) shining in them as Rogers. He used some ancient Hindu trick that he learned during his Marine days to temporarily stop his heart. He then thunders towards Rogers, prepared to rend him limb from skinny limb.

Just when all seems lost for our normally mild-mannered next-door neighbor, Michael Crichton appears at the doorway.

"I'm here to help," he says to Rogers, "Steve asked me to come here. I owed him after he plugged my book, Sphere (now a major motion picture)."

Sitting down at a typewriter, Crichton punches the keys rapidly. Suddenly, a 30 foot orb with strange markings looms in the background. As Kangaroo stares in awe, a giant, bio-luminescent squid appears in the fish tank. Two long feeding tentacles, term inating in diamond shaped pads with toothy suction cups grab Kangaroo's head, enveloping it entirely. They drag him into the tank, with his screams muffled by muscular flesh. Before the tentacles pull him into the squid's beaked maw, hundreds of jellyfi sh swarm him, stinging his plentiful skin.

[Cue music and end credits]

- NEWBORN

As an ex-MARINE myself i must say that mr. Rogers is in for a whole new keg- full-of-woop-ass (tm). I can see it now: Rogers charges at captain (was he an officer?, makes a small difference) like the sex starved manic depressive that he is. Captain goes i nto a stance, then months of training and years of hard conditioning kicks in. Cpt. grabs Rodgers outstretched hands as he rushes for him, a quick twirl and ol rodgers arm's broken; a quick grab to the back of rodgers neck and a double slam into the capta ins right knee with rodgers face; Rogers with blood pooring from his nose manages a faint whimper hoping that he can now fall peacfully unconsious, BUT not even near done Cpt. heaves forward throwing rodgers over his knee and sends rogers onto his back wh ile still clutching rogers broken and mutilated arm. THEN the coup de grace as The cpt's right leg swiftly raises upward almost to his head and he can almost pretend that his shoes are his old military issue boots and he hears the far off voice from his o ld D.I.. "when you bring your foot down marine, i want you to SCREAM!, so loud that the enemy will hear it all the way to hell when he gets there" and so he does. Fight over in 3.5 seconds. Captain will need to replace shoes. As for being in Mr. rodgers Neighborhood and so not having the Home team advantage (tm), well marines are taught to take ground, thats our job. We leave gaurding to the army unless its really important (embassys, presidents, nukes... although we'll let the S.E.A.L's guard the nukes sometimes). And lets face it Mr. rodgers neighborhood aint Iwo Jima. Semper Fidelis.

- J.T.

I voted for Mr. Rogers since I believe Captain Kangaroo would beat the living fish food out of him.

I was just sticking to the ORIGINAL question... "So, Brian, which happy host has his heiney handed to him??"

Careful

- WVU Chuck

I think one very important consideration is being overlooked here. If this battle took place in the street or in a back alley, the Captain would probably win. He's bigger, he has a wild moustache, a bad haircut and a crazy look in his eyes. There's no question, he's a dangerous man. This time, however, it's going to happen right in Mr. Roger's living room. Like Ned Flanders and Felix Unger, Mr. Rogers is a neatnik. There is no creature, man or beast, who is so dangerous as a neatnik whose personal space has been violated by a big oaf. With the images of the soiled carpet and smashed trolly flashing red in his eyes, Fred Rogers will be all over him before Captain Kangaroo can even begin to remember his Marine training (which, judging by his girth, was quite a long time in the past anyway). The sad part is that it won't be a pretty fight. Fred, knowing Captain Kangaroo's superiority of size and strength will be forced to fight dirty, probably by climbing onto the Captain's wide back and digging his fingers into the Captain's eye sockets. With his opponent now quite blind, Rogers will circle him, striking his ample form at will. This shameful spectacle will go on and on until, in a crash that will rock The Neighborhood to its very foundations, the Captain lies still at Mr. Roger's feet. What Mr. Roger's will do with the body we can only imagine.

- Evan Stokley

Can you say, "I've ruptured my spleen... good, I knew you could."

Captain Kangaroo will do like a baby kangaroo vs. Sylvestar the cat. And don't forget the ol' SCTV sketch "Battle of the PBS stars" in which Mr. Rogers gets his scrawny behind thrown around the ring by a rough and ready Julia Childs.

Rogers has only gotten older since then, while Kangaroo has gotten fatter.

- Daniel Frey

The captain starts out strong, performing a move he learned from his sumo wrestling instructor, Kobe Narahitsu: the flying flubber death bounce. But Rogers won't be defeated so easily. After absorbing the blow, he realizes that he won't be able to out s lug The killer kangeroo, so he resorts to running like a pedifile being chased by angry parents. Captain Kangaroo follows, like the big dumb land mammal he is, and soon becomes so winded that collapses in a heap of fat. Rogers then proceeds to kick him while he's down. Then Barney appears and devours the remains of the Captain, just like any real T-Rex would. It all comes down to conditioning. Rogers has the slim look of a distance runner, while Kangaroo has the look of a blob that lives in a local trailor and is effectionatly referred to as Big Bubba.

- Death

So Captain Kangaroo is an ex-marine, eh? Looking at him obviously tells you how far he has sunk from being a Killing Machine(tm). The last time I checked, a marine could not cause Roseanne Barr to flip off the odd end of a teeter-totter. Unfortunately for C.K., Fred (aka, Mister Rogers) has been working as a covert operative for over 20 years and is ready to go at the drop of a hat. Why else would a man in his twenties dress up as someone twenty years his senior and use the media to teach kids how to make crafts, feed animals, and hone their imaginations? Fred has certainly been using his time to both indoctrinate his future armies and give his Computer-Like-Brain(tm) a chance to develop sophisticated battle strategies. Say good-bye, Captain Kangaroo. Fro m now on, they're gonna call you Mr. Red Jeans!

- Tom Fairlie

While they are circling around the room, Mr. Rodgers remembers to his ultimate horror, that he still has his good cardigan sweater on. He calls "time out" and dashes to the closet. The Captian, realizing his chance, swiftly follows Mr.Rodgers, reaches around him and yoinks his "play" sweater off of the hanger before Mr.Rodgers has the chance. Seeing this Mr.Rodgers crys out in disbelief and is immobilized by the horror of not having his sweater. He crys, "please play nice you BASTARD Kangroo, lets not give the children any bad ideas". The captian just whips out a smoke, and chills in the chair, laughing histericly. Realizing that not only will he not get his play sweater, but some ass hole is smoking in his house, Mr. Rodgers runs out the front door, and across street. In a bloody red ripping instant, Mr. Rodgers is slashed in two by a speeding Buick. Thus The Captian wins! And what is the lesson here kids? Look both ways before you cross the street!

- PusheR

Well well well, the dream match of every little kid in the 80's finally surfaces. And what a match we have. There is obviously no way to make a good judgement about either's fighting style, so lets use people who can be assumed to fight much like them. Take a closer look and you can see that Captain Kangaroo looks much like Chris Farley with a mustache. Not to be outdone though, Mister Rogers strongly resembles one Smoking/Cancer Man from the X-Files.

We know for one that Farley can fight when angered enough. Have any of you seen Beverly Hill's Ninja? He has got to be the best 400 pound ninja ever on the face of the planet. Smoking Man on the other hand can't be in much better shape than Mister Rogers. For one, he smokes constantly, stopping only to heighten the mood. He even dresses much like Mister Rogers, nice clothes, tie, parted hair. Farley would have no trouble kicking the shit out of a wiener like him. All Smoking Man can do is start a conspiracy.

So, using the above as grounds for my descision, Kangaroo makes Rogers say Uncle and cry to the King for help. The Cap., being a forgiving person, offers to buy Mister Rogers a new Trolley and clean his carpet (what a nice guy). Mister Rogers is still filled with rage though and Captain Kangaroo is forced to kill him with a ton of ping-pong balls (hey, a ton of anything is heavy).

This story in loving memory of Chris Farley.

- DogBoy69

Captain Kangaroo vs. Mr. Rogers? Geez, what a tough matchup. The Captain's older than sin, and Mr. Rogers is, to put it mildly, meek. This battle's sort of like Jesse Helms vs. Richard Simmons when you think about it.

But the real key is hidden allies. The Captain is trying to finish bitch-slapping Fred around the house before his heart gives out when the door bursts open and representatives of the New Captain Kangaroo Hour swarm in. They don't want the title sullied by an unseemly fight (just as the new show is starting to take off, too!), so they sedate the old Captain and wheel him off to a rest home on the outskirts of Paducah, KY. Mr. Rogers by TKO.

- Hoosinole

Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Green Jeans square off and begin to test Rogers' fighting prowess. The Captain is about to show Fred how he earned his nickname, in Tazmanian boxing rings, when the door gets kicked open by a well polished black shoe with a vi sible white sock. A disgruntled Mr. McFeely opens fire with his AK-47, showering the room with hot lead. All three child icons fall from the hail of bullets, leaving Mr. McFeely alone. Finally Mr. McFeely stands alone as PBS' voice to the future. A go vernment employee shaping our children's minds; what a grim future that shall be.

- Kevin

The fight starts. People flipping through the channels stop and begin to watch. The PBS ratings begin to soar and the executives decide that this is the perfect time to begin a pledge drive. Very cleverly, the executives cut into the *very* best parts and ask for pledges. The disgusted masses scream at their T.V.'s and call up giving pledges just to get the fight back on the air. The money flows in. Executives are extremely happy. Then the very worse thing happens. Mr. Roger trips and falls to the ground. Captain Kangaroo takes his chance and leaps into the air to do a flying pile driver on the sweater-wearing, no-shoed Mr. Rogers. The masses and executives mutely watch in stunned horror as the Captain hits. There is no more Mr. Rogers.

- Kim

While the Cap'n would normally win this match, there was a certain dark horse candidate who made himself known in a VERY big way:

"That's it, Fred! Take your licks like the dog you are!"

"Sorry, Mr. Kangaroo. Even your friend Mr. Bunny will be in no mood to help you out this time."

"My fist is going to go so far up Make-Believe Land...Say, do you hear something?"

"Sounds something like rumbling in the distance. Kids, can you say seismograph? I knew you could!"

The house is flattened a la Monty Python's opening credits by a brownish-green boot.

Yes, folks, direct from the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, who brought you Mr. Dressup and Fred Penner's Place, comes the man who went medieval way before anyone else:

The Friendly Giant

Friendly, rid of two American mainstays, heads back to his castle, where he celebrates with Jerome Giraffe, Rusty Rooster and the orchestra of raccoons. And all in a 15 minute timeslot...

- Vlad, from the REAL hockey country (tm)

Kangaroos are from Australia, and hence therefore "Captain" Kangaroo would undoubtedly be well-versed in the type of two-fisted Foster's swilling bar-brawling that those boys from down under are famous for--Mr. Rogers would be pummeled and chucked through the nearest window without so much as a "How'reya mate?" and after a quick rifling through the Rogers' Family Liquor Closet (hidden behind the rows of sweaters) our captain would have grabbed a quart of Captain Morgan (his old buddy from Captain Kangaroo's South Sea pirate days) and left long before old Mr. Postman can go get Mr. Constable...and if Dancing Bear was out with the Captain on this particular evening, Kangaroo wouldn't even care if they did show up!

- -=Mark G=- Contact the Commander

An important factor that needs to be considered is HOMECOURT ADVANTAGE! Mister Rogers doesn't have the muscle of his opponent but he is agile (Mister Rogers can actually bend over and tie his shoes - Captain Kangaroo can't even see his shoes!) Plus, Mis ter Rogers knows the exact place of everything in the house down to the doilies. He will zig and zag between the maze of coffee tables, armoires, and other furniture til the Ol' Captain gets winded. Then Mister Rogers will dunk the Captain's face in the aquarium to "meet our good friend Mr. Pirahna (tm)!"

- Flash Swenning

Whatever transitory anger may pass between these two, there is no Rage(tm) possible. These are the two gentlest souls on television, the last barriers between the young children of America and the unspeakable horrors of modern culture. They won't lay a hand on each other -- but that doesn't mean there won't be mayhem.

Unbeknownst to Captain Kangaroo, Bunny Rabbit has stowed himself away in his coat pocket, and picks this moment to peek out, a small carrot in hand. "Aww," Mister Rogers coos, "isn't your little friend adorable?"

Kangaroo looks down. "Bunny Rabbit, what are you doing with that carrot?"

What Bunny is doing is Gettin' Medieval(tm). Like an expert javelin hurler, he flings the carrot at Rogers, poking him in the eye. Rogers reels backward, bumping his fishtank and dunking his hand inside. Viewers aren't aware that Rogers keeps piranhas, since Rogers's mere presence is usually enough to keep them pacified and content to nibble on fish flakes. The sudden agitation, however, momentarily snaps them out of their hypnotized state.

Before long, Mister Rogers is being carried away in Mister McFeeley's Speedy Delivery Ambulance (hey, it's a small neighborhood; he's gotta moonlight), as Captain Kangaroo waves a shaming finger. "Naughty Bunny. No ping-pong balls for you."

That's what he thinks, as a shower of them descends from the ceiling, soon filling the house knee-deep as a catchy jazz theme takes us out...

This match was brought to you by the Children's Television Workshop(tm).

- Call me Shane

P.S. I really am going to be gargling battery acid in Purgatory thanks to you guys. *sigh* Where do I go to get my innocence back?

You have to remember that it's Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

I'm thinkin' that Rogers is down with the homies in his 'hood; the Roge (tm) has undoubtedly used his easygoing nature and religious standing to good effect. Kangaroo's not on his home turf, and even he's smart enough to know you don't bring your posse onto somebody else's turf 'less you mean to be startin' somethin'. Big mistake, 'Roo-man.

Captain Kangaroo walks into the Roge's crib and starts Talkin' Smack (tm) to the Roge, to say nothin' of wreckin' the place up, all the Roge has to do is give a shout out and the local boys will be on Kangaroo with jimmybats and switchblades.

- Thomas Wilde

You've both forgotten Mr. Rogers biggest strength. Maybe you need to be a mother to remember how his monotone, expressionless, hypnotic voice could bring a roomfull of toddlers to their knees in 30 seconds flat. A mystery to some, a miracle to others. Nevertheless, don't underestimate it. The Captain....Mr. Greenjeans? Hah! At their ages, it wouldn't even take 10 seconds. Actually, when I think of their ages, you'd be hard put even keeping them awake.

- Mom

From what I've seen from my time in the military service of the United States Air Force, ALL Marines, including ex-marines, always have a group of drunken buddies to help them out in a fight. Mr. Rogers isn't going to know what hit him when an entire platoon of retired Marines comes down on his neighborhood like the 1st Marine Division at Iwo Jima. Mr. Green Jeans, since he's going to be nearby to our good Captain, must either be Force Recon or a graduate of the USMC's famed Sniper School. Ol' Fred isn't even going to see what hit him. Mr. Roger's head will explode like a rotten cantaloupe as Mr. Green Jeans unleashes one shot from his Barrett (the 50-caliber kind of Sniper rifle) at a range of 3000 meters. The Captain has planned for this... oh yes.

Why won't Fred know? DRUGS. Obviously, he's been dropping a few tabs of LSD here and there. "Land of Make-Believe"? What kind of psychedelic chemical has Mr. Rogers been using? When he realizes he's doomed, he'll probably be talking to those damn puppets and asking them if they had a good day floating in the ether of null-space! He won't even be able to create intellignet sentences, much less be able to set up a proper counter-sniper defense.

As you guys like to say: QED(tm) Veterans, one. Peace-loving hippies, ZERO.

- Ex-Raven

Please, nobody is going to die from physical violence in this fight, no matter how much Rage(TM) Mr. Rogers has.

Mr. Rogers will open the battle with the brilliant move of making believe he is pounding the hell out of the Captain. The Captain has demonstated again and again that he is incapable of initiating agression (why else would he put up with rabbit for more than ten seconds?) and will instead roll his eyes.

Of course, the brave Captain actually made a stunning tactical error by saying "ping-pong balls" and so throughout the fight he suffers disadvantage of being continuously pelted from above by the small white spheres. Normally this would only be a distrac tion, but as everyone knows ping-pong balls immobilize Captain Kangroo so he can't take the one step sideways needed to avoid the shower.

Now, of course, with Mr. Rogers making believe he is thrashing the Captain's butt he will probably pull that annoying third wall trick in which he does a three-sixty of the studio while on camera and while staying in character. This was enough to warp the minds of many children, imagine what it would do to a man who gets tricked out of carrots by a rabbit every friggen' week!

Captain Kangaroo's head explodes and Mr. Rogers claims the victory.

- Warren Von

Brian mentioned that Captain Kangaroo got his title in the mighty Corps, but he didn't mention (or perhaps even know) the other details. Kangaroo was kicked out of the Marines when his superiors found out about his independent, after-hours genetic tinkeri ng. You see, a sentient, talking moose is a hard thing to hide, especially when he gets carded trying to buy beer at the post commissary. Kangaroo was offered an honorable discharge in exchange for several frozen sentient moose embryos, later routed to th e CIA. What nobody knew about this Moose Mengele of the Marine Corps was that his relationship with Mr. Moose was not that of a doctor and patient or even father and son, but that of worshipper and demi-god. Kangaroo has been non compis mentis (that's Lat in for a pretzel short of a bowl of Chex Mix) for a long time now, following an epiphany achieved while watching Bullwinkle cartoons. His psychosis has driven him to worship all things moosish, and to take the creation of a sentient moose race as his holy calling. But Mr. Moose has taken advantage of this situation, and has tortured the Captain for decades, with an almost daily session of the Ping-Pong or hay torture feeding his gleeful sadism. The Captain is confused by this cruel treatment from the deit y he has made in his (and Bullwinkle's) image, and he has The RAGE (TM) in spades. His sad state is shown by the fact that he has willingly gone to a compassionate neighbor (in a desperate cry for help) in order to acquire the means of his own humiliation - more Ping-Pong balls.

Stunned by Fred Rogers' rejection of his silent plea for a way out of this pathetic situation, Captain Kangaroo lets the floodgates of RAGE open, and uses his deadly Marine hand-to-hand tactics to tie Rogers into a bloody, whimpering, knotted mess of carn age. He is about to administer the coup-de-grace when the front door is kicked in. Kangaroo turns to meet the threat, but can only let out a snarling, animal-like growl before fire from 10 assault rifles turns him into Swiss kiddy show host. "Special deli very, you pathetic moose-lovin' tub o' lard" snarls Mr. McFeely, hawking a loogie and adding insult to Captain Kangaroos multiple lethal organ-exposing injuries by spitting it onto the remains of his spleen. Soon McFeely and his colleagues from the local Post Office (backed up by celebrity guests Newman and Cliff Claven) have gathered up the groaning sheepshank knot that is Fred Rogers and loaded him into an ambulance. Police later arrive at the Kangaroo set to find that Moose and Rabbit are gone, and Mr. Green Jeans is duct-taped to Grandfather Clock. This is all a mere moral victory for Rogers and his Postal buddies. By the time he has returned to work, the International Committee of Guys in White-trimmed Red Suits (Co-chaired by Santa Claus and Marvel Comics' Daredevil) has called for a boycott of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood". Forced to choose between Fred and going on the Lump-of-Coal Sanction List at the North Pole (as well as a possible butt-whupping' from everybody's favorite blind superhero), Americ a's children move out of the Neighborhood as fast as their pudgy little legs can carry them. The only participant in this sad saga who is ever heard from again is Mr. Moose, who pounds Chretien at the polls and becomes Prime Minister of Canada.

- Silverback- Air Force Crew Chiefs never mess with moose genes

Clearly, Mr. Rogers is at a disadvantage when it come to any kind of action, because he would have to change into the appropriate kind of shoes before he could act. Before he had his granny knots undone, Captain Kangaroo will have kicked him in the teeth. A constant victim of an unknown ping pong ball assailant will have eradicated any honour (yes, with a "u", I'm Canadian) that Captain Kangaroo will have had. I doubt that he'd have any qualms about kicking the good minister while he was attending to his Keds. He wouldn't even have to tell Fred that his shoelaces are untied. How much easier do we want to make this?

Don't forget also that Communism is an expanding and crusading ideology. Though it may be Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood now, how long before Comrade Kangaroo and his cronies annex it?

- Brett Ross

Here we have two beloved children's show hosts getting into a fight for no good reason. Clearly they must be imposters. All the years I watched the Captain growing up he was never clumsy even when being bombarded by ping pong balls. Furthermore, if Mr. Rogers hasn't lost it by now after all these years he's not likely to over a couple of broken toys which could be used to show kids how to fix things. So who are these imposters? Our analysts were on the right track with the clue of the red jacket. Clearly it is former spies from the fallen Soviet Union trying to poison our minds. Fortunately, the real hosts will discover them in time, boot them out of the neighborhhood and save children's television and PBS for democracy.

- Lewis Himelhoch

I thought PBS had already been taken over by the Communists. -B

Captain Kangaroo might be an ex-Marine, but rumor has it that Mr. Rogers was at one time an Army sniper in Vietnam, thus making him the bigger bad-ass. It is doubtful that Captain Kangaroo even saw any action, but Mr. Rogers spent a tour in Vietnam sitting in trees with a high powered rifle, primed to shoot anything that moved. This would drive any normal man to the point of insanity, and Fred Rogers is no different. All of his time in 'Nam has filled him with sufficient RAGE (tm) to easily do away with the Captain.

- Major HUAH!

While the good Captain is pulling trolley shards out of his butt, Mr. Rogers--remembering his days as the Official Honorary Captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins--makes a phone call to cash in a couple favors. When the two begin squaring off, the doorbell rings again. Mr. Rogers answers it: it’s Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux of the Penguins! As the hockey players move in on Captain Kangaroo to jam their sticks where the trolley bits were previously located, Kangaroo quickly reaches for the bucket of ping-pong balls Rogers was going to loan him. Pulling one out, he quickly whips it at Lemieux; hitting him in the temple, killing him instantly.

"I’ve been mastering ping pong ball throwing since before you were born, Jaggie!" the Captain proclaims. Then, with a fluid motion, he throws a second ping pong ball. As if by remote control, it goes in one of Jagr’s eyes and out the other. "Well, ‘neighbor,’ that’s two down and you to go!" he says to Rogers. He then picks up another ping pong ball and starts aiming.

"Not so fast, ya big tub of goo!" a voice yells from outside. The two combatants turn to the door and see a figure in full goalie gear. "’Tis I, Tom Barrasso, goalie for the Penguins, prepared to protect my pal from the peltings of this ping-pong-pitching punk!" Barrasso stands between Rogers and Captain Kangaroo, ready to do battle. Captain Kangaroo accepts the challenge and starts a-hurlin’ ping pong balls.

*foosh* *PING* Barrasso saves the shot with his stick.
*foosh* *PONG* The second throw ricochets off Barrasso’s stick.
"Give up?" the goalie asks.
"Never! I still have my special pitch." The Captain rears back and throws. The ball bounces off the floor and into Barrasso’s groin. The goalie falls to the floor, incapacitated.
"Now, there is no one to stop me, Sweater Boy!" Once again, the Captain prepares to toss the ping pong ball o’ death. As he winds up, Fred Rogers makes a plea for his life.
"Please! Take Picture-Picture! Take the traffic signal! Take the house! Just let me live!"

Suddenly, the two hear a ringing from outside. As the two turn, Mr. McFeely comes crashing through the window on his States Blue Pearl 1997 Harley Davidson Electra Glide Ultra Classic (equipped with bicycle bell and basket), landing on Captain Kangaroo. While officially saddened by the untimely death of Captain Kangaroo, PBS executives are pleased that this had happened during Pledge Week. Money pours in from viewers all over the world, prompting a change in the program’s format.

"On the next Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood: ‘My Wife Ran Off With her Gigolo’s Sister!’"

- Mark and Stephanie Wentz

Capt'n K may be an ex-marine but if he messes with Mr. Rogers he's messing with Christ. Its one of those common laws of brutality, similar to "You cant hit a guy with glasses on." What heartless cur beats on a minister? What next, nuns? Whats his coup de' gra going to be, packing a school bus full of kids and C-4? No, the Capt'n is insane, and it is only a matter of time before he brings about his own distruction. Mr. Rogers just has to stay away from his Right hook in the mean time.

- Andy K

Mister Rogers was in the special forces, they're MUCH better trained than marines. Marines are basically jarheaded bullet fodder sent to storm the beach, while the green berets like Rogers sneak into the enemy camp through miles of jungle, silently killi ng all in their path with their bare hands and blowing up the base. Not only would Mr. Rogers strangle Captain Kangaroo with his sweater, he'd blow up his house with Mr. Grenjeans and Mr. Moose in it.

- Shadow Darling

I am scared of Mr. Rogers. Here's just 10 reasons why:
1. We have a man here who has an entire 'hood named after him. You have never seen an episode where the Bloods or Crips visit his house to complain. Clearly, Mr. Rogers has earned their respect for some reason.
2. This guy is a neighbor. Every time we see a report on some axe-murdering cannibalistic Nazi, it is always the neighbor, who "is such a nice guy."
3. Mr. Rogers is a nice guy.
4. This loon comes home, and instead of stripping down to his underwear and popping a cold brewski from the fridge while watching Baywatch reruns, he puts on a sweater and sneakers and starts talking to puppets. Clearly, something is a little off here.
5. He has a trolley that runs through his house. All that exposure to gas fumes and noise pollution have definitely instilled the RAGE(tm) in this panther waiting to strike.
6. The trolley TALKS to him.
7. He understands the trolley and talks back!
8. "Would you be mine, could you be mine..." c'mon. You know there are some Sesame Street kids shackled somewhere in his basement.
9. Have you ever noticed that you never DO see his basement?
10. He lives on top of a hill, acording to those cheesy model houses at the beginning of the show. This guy probably has the cardiovascular system of... a POSTMAN!!!!

Sorry Captain, but you are dealing with a general ASS-WHUPPING(tm) here!

- Budo

I'm calling Mr. Rogers because of one factor--nausea. He'll start with his most devastating weapon--"Won't you be my..." By the second "won't you be my," the captain will be on his hands and knees, vomiting violently. Incensed, Mr. Rogers will then procede to laying the boots to the Captain, Mr. Green Jeans and anyone else who had the audacity to puke on his carpet!

- Lurch.

The answer to this question can be found Down Under(tm) circa 1950:

After years of directionless living and widespread marsupial-on- marsupial crime, the Kangaroo Court(tm) convenes and decides it is time to elect a leader who will put an end to the decline of the Kangaroo. A search committee is formed and based on a rousing speech on leaf eating, Bob Keeshan is elected and assumes the title Captain Kangaroo. Under his reign, kangaroos learn how to spar with people, use their pouch in ways once thought impossible, and develop a childrens' show that captures the imagination of youngsters everywhere. A revived Kangaroo population is indebted to their Captain forever and pledges their assistance on any matter.

Fast forward to Mr. Rogers house:
After being suprised by the ferocity of Mr. Rogers initial attack, the Captain summons his marsupial minions to the scene. The cold, caluculating kangaroos slice Mr. Rogers to pieces with the sharp edges of the shattered trolley.

The Captain wins with a little help from his friends.

- the paper

Rodgers can win this match, becuse he can fight, and he's willing to cheat. As shown in his classic boxing match vs. Julia Childs on SCTV during the battle of the PBS stars. Rodgers held his own against Childs, and when the fight started to turn against h im, he quickly grabbed King Friday from the corner and beat Childs with the puppet.

Anyway... Kangroo attemps to grab Rodgers, but Fred has already grabed the large pair of sissors on the table and shoves them into the captain's neck! Rodgers then procedes to grab Kangroo's head and shove into into the fish tank. The captain trashes for a bit, and the falls limp. Fred pulls Kangroo's dead body out of the tank, drops it to the floor, turns to the camara and asks "Do you think it's a good idea to f--- with Mr. Rodgers?" A piano cord gives out a negtive answer. Rodgers says "That's good, No w I'll show you how to dispose of a body..."

- 'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth

Ahhh, my first response to WWWF since the old days when Khan and Luthor shook the earth with their epic battle of wits and the Bionic Woman had her multi-million dollar heiny handed to her on a platter by the once-lushious Linda Carter, but I digress.

Fred Rogers has the distinct advantage of being in his home "arena" if you will. While the terrain of Mister Rogers domicile really doesn't favor either combatant, he does hold one key bit of knowledge that helps him take out the ogre that is 'Roo. It's gotta be the shoes!

While most think that Fred Rogers only has some walking shoes and a pair of loafers in that closet, Fred knows otherwise. The man has steel toed construction boots, cowboy boots with spurs, some wooden shoes he brought back from the Netherlands, and killer pair of red pumps that Lady Elane just happened to leave at the house (at least that is what ol' Mister Rogers wants us to believe).

Mister Rogers will evade the batter-dipped fish smelling Captain quite easily and make his way to the closet. Shoes are hurled by Fred towards Captain Kangaroo (whose name is ironic considering his lack of ability to jump over a piece of paper) and strike the porpose looking man in the left hip and right shoulder. Hobbled, the Captain is defenseless when Mister Rogers whips out the high heels and plants the heel in Captain Kangaroo's forehead ala Single White Female.

The inhabitants of The Land of Make Believe then help wrap the Captain in a mass of sweaters and give him a proper burial at sea. A sad day for all who love children's television, but a pretty good day for the producers of "The NEW Captain Kangaroo" who stand to save a bundle in royalties.

- The Great Gonzo

I remember this one Mr. Rogers episode from when I was young. He was teaching children about anger. His car was ticketed and he had to go to court to contest the fine. It was the most amazing anger I had ever seen. He didn't get loud or clench his fists or even use a strong word. He just looked mad and it spooked the heck out of me. I have yet to see the equal to the quiet rage I saw there. And he was only acting.

Consider what REAL anger looks like. One look into his eyes and Captain Kangaroo will be trying to decide whether he should make a run for it or just end it quickly and shoot himself. By then, just like a doomed deer staring into the headlights of the oncoming sports utility vehicle, it will be too late. Captain Kangaroo is road kill. O the humanity!

- Paul G.

At first glance, I would pick the Captain in a romp because if there's one thing the marines are good at it's killing people. They might not always win the fight, but they take less casualties than their opponents (e.g. Vietnam).

Then I considered the x factor known as King Friday. Once he sees the unstoppable killing machine that is Captain Kangaroo tearing apart his man Rogers, the King will spring into action. If you've ever seen the movie "Puppetmaster III: Toulon's Revenge" you know that a trained soldier is no match for an angry puppet. King Friday and the other puppets overwhelm the Captain, Mr. Moose, and whatever other paltry forces that they can muster. However, Mr. Rogers succombs to his injuries a few days later and PBS begins running episodes of "Are You Being Served?" further warping today's youth.

- Josh

I can only reach one answer in this extremely one-sided contest- Captain Kangaroo would flay Mr Rogers alive in a heartbeat. I point you to this past (maybe the previous) weekend's World's Funniest on Fox- the one with the celebrity bloopers™. It had an entire section devoted to Rogers alone. He was holding an "ice cream bar" shaped like a bear or rabbit or something like that, and he just couldn't bite into it. A stagehand had to yell, "It's a rock, Fred!!" before he realized what was going on. This senile twit has no chance against a former marine, no matter how old he's gotten.

Also, I would like to point out as a side note that the Red Factor™ will not come into play in this matchup, as Fred will not be able to see the color of Capt. Kangaroo's jacket- he's color blind. Therefore, he will not be able to realize that he must harness the Power of the Free World™ to stop Kangaroo. The marsupially-named one in 5 minutes, and that's because of him toying with Rogers for 4 1/2 minutes.

- Nick Zachariasen

The Captain, and here's why:

At the beginning of Mr. Rogers, the camera pans across a little model town, finaly settling on a tiny replica meant to represent fred's house. thing is *this isn't a model* -- it's actually fred's house. the guy's an inch and a half tall and rides to work on an HO scale train. Not a lot of people know this about him.

- H-Nice

You know, as usual, this match will come down to some very close factors and some difficult decisions. However, I have successfully broken this match down into a few deciding factors which give a slight edge to one of the contestants... 

ATTIRE
MR. ROGERS:  Smelly, unwashed sweaters, changed daily
CAPTAIN K:   Sweaty, polyester jacket, constantly
Advantage:   Captain K, the smell must be overwhelming, like a stale, 
             packed disco on a Saturday Night
Score:       0-1

HYGIENE
MR. ROGERS:  Changes shoes daily, on-air, always washes hands before
             handling food.
CAPTAIN K:   Hangs around with a moose
Advantage:   Rogers, for obvious reasons
Score:       1-1

NAME FACTOR
MR. ROGERS:  Shares name with Roy Rogers, Rogers & Hammerstein, Buck
             Rogers, Roger Moore, and Roger Ebert
CAPTAIN K:   Captain Kirk, Captain Bligh, Captain America, Captain 
             Morgan, the Kangaroo Kid.  (There are many captains, but
             only one Kangaroo!)
Advantage:   Moot point, both have some loser namesakes.
Score:       1-1

FOOT GEAR
MR. ROGERS:  Loafers, old tennis shoes which never show any wear, 
             indicating a complete lack of physical activity
CAPTAIN K:   Kangaroos, the fun shoe with a pocket!
Advantage:   Need I say more?
Score:       1-2

FACIAL HAIR
MR. ROGERS:  Clean shaven, like Caesar, Alexander, Lord Nelson,       
             Napoleon, and Macho Man on old Nintendo's Punch Out
CAPTAIN K:   Mustache, like Der Fuhrer, Stalin, Genghis Khan, Custer,
             and Bald Bull on old Nintendo's Punch Out
Advantage:   Rogers, by the Tyson's Punch Out Factor (TM)
Score:       2-2

HAIRSTYLE
MR. ROGERS:  50s conservative comb-over.  Provides comfort, stability.
             Impervious to wind.
CAPTAIN K:   70s shag.  Provides excuse for women to turn him down.
             Impervious to Ping-Pong balls.
Advantage:   Mr. Rogers, for inherent Brokaw Factor.(TM)
Score:       3-2

UNDEAD FACTOR
MR. ROGERS:  Never ages, probably vampire, like Al Gore, Kasey Kasem,
             Tom Cruise, Bob Barker, Robert Redford, and Dick Clark.
CAPTAIN K:   Ages right before your eyes, probably mummy, like Boris
             Yeltsin, Ronald Reagan, Janet Reno, and Donovan from 
             Indiana Jones:  The Last Crusade.
Advantage:   Mr. Rogers.  Vampires always control mummies in movies.
Score:       4-2
There you have it folks, you just can't argue with the numbers.

- Der Kaiser Pablo

You associate Captain Kangaroo with Communism! As a communist myslef, I find that butterball offensive to be listed in that light. I happen to know the producer of the Captain Kangaroo show very well, and he was not the kind of character to be able to deal with this situation at all! Mr. Rogers will call out to Fantasyland (whatever it's called) and while everyone's vision loses focus the big R will start kicking butt. He has grown used to the disorientation caused by shifting between worlds over the years. Without trolley to complete the transition, the entire fight will be in this disorienting atmosphere.

I would say Mr. Rogers in ten minutes, but after all the crap he's had to deal with these days, he's spoiling for vengence, too bad Captain Kangaroo showed up and messed with the big R's turf.

- gryphon

I don't mean to pick on Mr. Rogers but he is just a bit limp in the wrists. I am not saying that he is homosexual but you have to admit he does have a few festive quirks. Captian Kangaroo is as straight as they come(He was a captian before that whole don't ask don't tell policy). I say Mr. Rogers lets loose a firce battle cry "You killed Trolly, you bad, bad man!" then he unleashes a barrage of lightning quick love taps to the Captian's mid-section. The Captian puts his hand on Mr. Rogers head and ho lds him back like Lonestar vs. Darkhelmet (TM). Meanwhile King Friday hears the commotion and heads out to see what is going on, little does he know, Mr. Green Jeans has rigged the tunnel with some C4 waiting for just such an event. With King Friday and his happy little kingdom dead Mr. Rogers does gain the Rage (TM) but it is futile, he manages to break the arm holding him in three places but the Captian comes back with his right and knocks Mr. Rogers flat. Captian Kangaroo then preformes a flying knee drop as he shouts "WHOSE YA DADDY!" Mr. rogers dies spewing entrails in a lifeless heap on the floor. Captian returns with his ping-pong balls, as well as the remains of Trolly as a trophy. DING DING....

- Rancorbait

Physically, a draw. The good Captain is one box of doughnuts away from getting his own zip code. Not even light could escape his gravity. Rogers, on the other hand, is such a wimp that he gets winded whenever he's forced to use a rotary-dial phone, and probably couldn't hack his way across a shag carpet without assistance. Since Kangaroo sat on Trolley, the Land-of-Make-Believe can offer Rogers no assistance, and is not a factor in the bout:

Kangaroo: Neighbor THIS, you little asshole! (head-butts Rogers)
Rogers: Get out of my house, you fat fuck! (puts Kangaroo in a patented "Pugsley Hold"[tm], Kangaroo screams like a girl)
Kangaroo: Pedophile! (goes for Rogers' floating rib)
Rogers: Fat-ass! (kicks Kangaroo in the nuts--Kangaroo slumps to the floor as Rogers prepares to administer the coup-de-grace by stuffing a loafer down his windpipe--Kangaroo begins turning blue)

Just as things look worst for the Captain, in bursts Green Jeans, holding the severed head of Mr. McFeely. Tossing the head aside, Green Jeans comes to the rescue of the weight-challenged Captain by pinning Rogers to the closet door with a pitchfork. Kangaroo and Green Jeans further indulge their battlerage by smashing Picture-Picture and setting fire to the house on the way out the front door. When last seen they had left a crime-spree trail of liquor store robbery and murder across three states in a search for Barney the Dinosaur.

- Deacon

Did you ever see that horrible, sickening educational film when you were in eighth grade of the kangaroo giving birth? The sight of that bloody, mucus-smeared fetus crawling out of its mother's bloated snatch and then into her cheesy, hairy pouch still haunts me. There's no way that any creature born in such degradation could be benevolent. Captain Kangaroo is therefore evil and will Kill Mr. Rogers. Besides, the Captain looks a lot like John Wayne Gacy, who was famous for torturing his very young victims for days on end before finally killing them. Evil, evil, evil. Fred Rogers dies, quickly if he's lucky.

On the other hand, I believe the characters in the Land of Make Believe are truly insane and will inflict terrible vengeance upon him. Mister Rogers barely kept them in check by being the most passive person alive and placating their violent, fragmented psyches by being so nice all the time. Once they are provoked they will be stunningly dangerous. Should anyone repair that trolley and restore their link to Earth, they will see to it that Captain K. is punished for murdering their companion. The last words he hears will be "Meow meow die muthafucka meow meow."

- Whit

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Pee-Wee Herman v. Gilligan
Barney v. Wesley
Orville Redenbacher v. Colonel Sanders

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