|
At a bowling alley near WWWF Headquarters: Dick, Sally, Harry, and Tommy Solomon appear from nowhere. Shortly thereafter, Beldar, Prymaat, and Connie Conehead appear from a different nowhere. With much fanfare, smoke, and pyrotechnics, two figures walk into the alley. "I," pronounces the John Belushi looking one, "am the Emperor of Remulak." "And I," continues the William Shatner looking one, "am... the... big... giant... head!" "We have made a wager," explains the Emperor. "You will compete against each other in the tournament called bowling. The winning team shall survive." "The losing team," laughs the Big Giant Head, "shall be fed to the Mutlantans on the planet Flungerult." "Yikes!" scream all Earth-dwelling aliens. "Excuse me," begs Dick Solomon. "What is the wager?" "The ruler of the winning team," the Emperor answers, "gets, from the ruler of the losing team, a diet soda." "Of... his... choice," finishes the Big Giant Head. "Mu-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!" "Point of procedure," interrupts Beldar. "We only have three on our team. A standard team consists of four persons." The Big Giant Head and the Emperor of Remulak confer. Then argue. Then punch. Then agree to a truce wherein the Big Giant Head has to release the Emperor's ear and the Emperor has to remove his thumb from the Big Giant Head's nose. Then they announce their decision. "Beldar, your fourth competitor," the Emperor proclaims, "shall be Aristotle Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon from the popular television program 'Night Court.' " Bull suddenly appears from elsewhere. "Hi, guys!" cheerfully greets Bull. "Call me 'Bull.' " "Let.. the.. bowling... begin!" So, Brendan, which Americanized aliens will alleviate themselves of becoming appetizers?
|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
|
Brendan: Mark my boy, you are totally outclassed this time out. I grew up in Temple, Texas: a town so utterly lacking in anything diverting, entertaining or enlightening that it is said that the only two things you can do in the entire town are sex and bowling. And given that I write for the Grudge Match, which of those two things do you think I spent my adolescence doing? At any rate, years of accumulated expertise on the subject tells me that there is no way the Coneheads can lose this match. It all really comes down to the environmental conditions. With Russian nuclear subs being all but extinct these days, bowling alleys are now the most toxic locations on the planet. The air has more smoke in it than a raging Dakota wildfire. The food could drop a billy goat at a hundred paces. And lets not even get into the horrifying visual pollution presented by the appearance of the average bowler. Faced with these abhorrid conditions only one of our teams can hope to survive and it's clearly the Coneheads (and the unkillable Bull). The Coneheads eat so fast that they won't even have time to taste the bowling alley food (which is the only possible way to survive it). And their Emperor is John Belushi. Any society which would make Belushi its Emperor obviously doesn't have a problem with and in fact probably encourages (or even requires) the constant use of mind altering substances. As such, the Coneheads have doubtlessly built up an immunity to all manner of drugs and will not be affected by the Bowlarama Tobacco Death Cloud. And as for the apocolyptic appearancs of their fellow bowlers, Connie was attracted to Chris Farley. Beldar and Prymaat think all humans are ugly so they won't even notice. And Bull, well he's from New York, which has even weirder looking things walking the streets than you'll see in a bowling alley. By contrast, the Solomon's are trapped in fragile human bodies -- bodies that just aren't designed to withstand the conditions inside a bowling alley. They'll be dead before they even get to the rented shoes. The Coneheads are spared even having to compete as they strike another victory for Remulak over the blunt skulls. Mark: Well, I can't claim to have the entertaining background you have. Then again, you don't become Rochester's Number 2 Citizen by hanging out in bowling alleys. But I think I can still provide some valid arguments for the Solomons. While the Coneheads MAY have immunity going for them, how are they going to order the food? I've never met anyone who could both serve un-survivable bowling alley food AND understand the Coneheads' dialogue. Can you imagine the befuddled look on the gum-snappin' waitress' face when Beldar asks for a "porcelain disc containing fowl fore-appendages dipped in boiling vegetation oil with various aromatic vegetable products?" By the time the waitress, bartender, cook, two busboys, and eight other bowlers figure out Beldar means buffalo wings, the Solomons will have finished bowling and will be on their roof waxing poetic about the beer they had earlier. But, if it's okay with you, perhaps we could move on to an analysis which actually pertains to bowling. Correct me if I'm wrong, but to win in bowling, don't you have to actually be able to bend? As I recall, the Coneheads aren't all too flexible. I don't know if it's a consequence of too many anal probes or what, but moving doesn't seem an activity in which they excel. The Solomons are pretty flexible -- they just haven't figured out why yet. Plus, the Coneheads have no real motivation. Sure they've got that crazy "life and death" thing hanging over them, but they are too independent to see any other real gain. The Solomons have ulterior motives. Dick wants to impress Mary Albright. Sally wants to prove, this time through bowling, that she is a true warrior. Tommy can do about anything he puts his mind to. And Harry? Harry fits right in at a bowling alley. Just look at him. Plus, the pins probably look threatening to him, so he'll want to destroy them. He's weird that way, you know. And to conclude this portion of my commentary, let me remind you (and all the young ones reading this) that only losers use mind-altering substances. That rebuts your opening paragraph in itself. While you can't think of any way the Coneheads could lose this match, you give an excellent way in your third paragraph. Looks to me like you argued yourself into a 7-10 split. While you try to babble your way out of that one, I'm off to Dairy Queen for a banana split. Yummy!
Brendan:
Forget flexibility (even though Beldar was flexible enough to become an
accomplished golfer), the real key to bowling is strength. The Coneheads are
capable of ripping the tops off of cars. They can just chuck the 20 pounders
at the pins to knock them all down. (Normally this would get them kicked out
for damaging the lanes, but since all the alley's employees will be
distracted by the buffalo wing conundrum this isn't a problem).
And far more important than motivation is unity and focus. The Coneheads
work well together (witness how they have continuously outwitted the INS,
something that only about 2 million other people per year do) and have
stayed focused on their mission despite years of being castaways (they even
managed to resist the awesome powers of a crack Jehovah's Witness conversion
squad). By contrast, the Solomons are always fighting amongst themselves or
getting distracted by human mating practices and the mysteries of the towel
rack.
What will actually happen is that Dick will try to explain the physics of
bowling to the drunken rednecks in the next lane and get beaten up. Sally
will either spend all her time flirting with Bull or refuse to compete at
all when she sees the kind of shoes they are going to make her wear. Tommy
was his school's mascot which by definition means he can have no atheletic
ability at all. And Harry in a bowling alley is a Flintstones episode
waiting to happen. If the automatic pin setters don't get him, the bumper
lanes will.
But the final reason the Coneheads must win is simply a matter of higher
law. The Coneheads were the original wacky aliens masquerading as humans;
the Solomons are but cheap imitations. Everything the Grudge Match stands
for demands that the original must brutally crush the imitation. To allow
otherwise would be to open the floodgates of madness. After all, if cheap
imitations are allowed to win Grudge Matches, what will stop Star Trek,
France, and the Democrats?
Mark: The Coneheads were aliens masquerading as French immigrants.
FRENCH immigrants.
And what's this about the Coneheads being the original wacky aliens? Did
someone forget about the likes of My Favorite Martian and Mork & Mindy?
Gotta throw Superman in there, too. An alien with super powers posing as a
mild-mannered reporter? Infinite laughs! But not only are the Coneheads
not the originals, they aren't wacky, either. They'd be boring if they
weren't so creepy. Heck, they don't even wear funky rainbow suspenders.
Even Perfect Strangers was a wackier show about an alien.
More than that, you mentioned the INS. Why is the INS after the Coneheads?
Seems to me, if the Coneheads had any talent, they would never have
attracted the INS' attention in the first place. You never see the Solomons
running from the INS. They're clever enough not to attract attention to
themselves.
If the key to bowling is strength, explain to me how Earl Anthony is in the
Bowling Hall-of-Fame. (I apologize for knowing who Earl Anthony is. My
wife is from St. Louis: Home of the Bowling Hall-O'-Fame.) There is skill
involved in bowling. That skill requires a certain amount of
flexibility--of which the Coneheads have little to none and of which the
Solomons have plenty. Now that you've granted the Solomons (or, at least,
Harry) bumper lanes, victory for the Solomons is all but guaranteed.
Thanks!
The Solomons have the advantage. They want to learn and they want to
succeed. Plus they have a cool car and they hang out on the roof. They even
have a cool salute. Seems to me they were born for bowling. A creature in
its habitat has the advantage. The Solomons are in their habitat.
The Solomons will win. And they'll delight us by acknowledging the unspoken
intricacies of the sport of bowling and the foibles of bowling alley life.
The Solomons will be victorious AND hilarious. The perfect combination. 3rd
Rock will strike down those Coneheads!
Disclaimer: Yes, we know that the Jane Curtin looking one is a
Conehead and on 3rd Rock. We didn't feel it necessary to mention that in the commentary
because her 3rd Rock character isn't in the match and the Coneheads are
losers. - Eds.
The Coneheads are NOT losers. - Eds.
Yes they are. - Eds.
No they aren't, dumbass! - Eds.
For 3rd Rock From the Sun links, visit Sitcoms Online.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
Screw these guys. I'm starting my own league with Ray Walston, Alf and the
talking Burt Renyolds box from Out Of This World.
- Kilgore Trout
Easy match: In the movie, the Elder of the Conehead Triad was able to
Narfle the Garthak. Let me repeat that - He Narfled a Garthak, and he
did it using golf skills. Golf is a sport that requires no physical
abilities and doesn't deserve to be called a sport, so it's kith and
kin to bowling. Coneheads win and the Emperor of Remulak gets his
prize.
- Albatoo - the sequel
I am the one who is going to tell you the winner!
I will use my secret weapon, the mystical octet sphere.
Now, onto business, will the Coneheads win? ([The answer is not
clear.]) What? Ok, try again. Will the Coneheads win? ([Try Again
Later.]) Ok, will the Coneheads win? ([I don't know.]) What?!?
Give me the answer!! ([No.]) Hey! Give me the answer @#%&* you
stupid ball!! ([I cannot tell.]) Hey, you little.... um, uh, the
Solomans will win. Excuse me while I "fix" my ball.
- The Super-Intelligent One
The Coneheads/Solomons dichotomy is a metaphor for the
assimilationist experience in America: The immigrants who do try to
fit in(Solomons) versus those who are unwilling or unable to adopt
the practices of their new home, and cleave to their old culture in
many ways(Coneheads). Staying solid in the Melting Pot™ will
spell doom for the Coneheads.
A triangular array of curved and painted wooden pillars, perched over
a precipice? To Beldar and company, that's a religious display from
back home, the 'pins' representing fertility. They spend the first
several frames tossing sensor rings down the alley, and making sure
those three-holed devotional orbs pass harmlessly down the channels
to the sides. Bull will be making strikes all the while, to the
horror of his teammates, but he can't do it all by himself.
Only when the Coneheads have consumed enough mass quantities of
Schlitz to put them in an iconoclastic mood will they start aiming
for the pins. By that time, though, the steady play of the Solomons
will have built up an insurmountable lead, and three drunk Coneheads
won't even make it close.
The match ends with a incriminating round of "Meps! Meps!" from the
Coneheads. Bull's rejoinder: "Nah, I'm more of a Yankees fan."
- Call me Shane
It was mentioned that if the Coneheads were clever they wouldn't have
drawn attention to themselves from the INS (or something of that
sort). I'm just wondering how you would managed to not draw
attention to yourself with you a madonna-cone-bra-style erection
popping out of your head.
Oh... I voted for the 3rd Rock aliens by the way.
- Just a 'PFHS' Drama student.
- Mr. Potato Head
Now who can lose with a sentient, tongue-propelled bowling ball? At
least if having your woman leave you for Dick Solomon while you're
busy winning a bowling game counts...
- The Nestbeschmutzer
Coneheads have several strikes. . . er, gutterballs against them.
First, and foremost, They're posing as French. Not as bad as BEING
French, but bad enough for a GM(TM). Second, they are _way_ too
interested in food and beer; not that that's bad in a bowling alley,
but to win, you actually have to roll a ball down the alleys. I see
the Coneheads gutting the snackbar and playing arcade games while
Bull finds that the Solomons are much more his speed. After all, he's
used to Harry Stone and the other nice but crazies at Night Court; a
place that the Solomons could fit in and no-one would notice.
Family Night at the Bowling Alley? Color it Solomon!
- Gibsongirl
-Chris
- Noman of the Wild and Crazy Jihad (there is no jihad)
- Deacon
All the Solomons have to do is roll the ball, and sometime in the 10
frames they SHOULD hit at least one pin (more if they get bumper
lanes). However, as soon as the Coneheads go up to bowl, the drunken
rednecks in the next lane will see "a couple that got away" and
immediately throw every ball in the vicinity at the pointy-headed
ones. Assuming they survive the barrage of twenty-pounders (which is
unlikely), I doubt the Coneheads will be able to muster the
concentration needed to hit the GROUND, much less the real pins at
the end of the lane. And no, no one's gonna kick the rednecks out,
as they're all too busy with the "buffalo wing dillemma.
The Solomons win, the Big Giant Head gets his diet soda, and the
Coneheads get fed to the whatever-it-was (I'm too lazy to go look).
Assuming they don't get killed in the bowling ball assault.
- Hydra
Give it to the Coneheads - I can't let Star Trek have anything to use
in a future match.
- Some Guy
First and foremost, they have a defector on their side -- the
Conehead Currently Known as Mary Albright(tm). The way Dick and Mary
carry on like rabbits on Viagra, you KNOW she's defecting. And just
think of all the Conehead secrets she'd be bringing with her...the
others don't stand a chance.
And then there's the tough angry homicidal blonde Sally and her
boyfriend Officer Don -- who first introduced Sally to bowling. How
was he to know she doesn't know how to follow the rules and use the
bowling ball as an oversized shot put? With a little worse aim, she
could take out the other 2 Coneheads with one shot (and probably
derive great pleasure from such a convenient accident since we all
know Sally likes to kill people). And failing that, Don could just
switch into his so-called singing act "Don Orvellini" and torment the
poor ex-SNLers to death.
Next there's plucky little Tommy...who took all of 5 or 6 seasons
before FINALLY gettin' some from Alyssa (or August or the glee club
teacher or just about any other female on the planet). With that much
pent-up frustration, talk about a walking time bomb...or worse yet, a
teenager with a genius IQ -- oh, the humanity! And with his side
connections to the heavenly hosts (remember Angels in the
Outfield, anyone?), I'm thinking Tommy could easily arrange a few
good zots of lightning on the unsuspecting Coneheads....or at the
very least another horrifying epic starring the Dark Master of
Cinematic Flops: Christopher Lloyd -- as if that weren't punishment
enough.....
Last but not least there's gonna be a colossal match just between the
two weirdos Harry and Bull. Harry runs a bar and will invite Bull to
split a few keggers...and then when Bull's totally tanked, Harry
calls in his tough butch bodybuilder girlfriend Chyna to lay a good
old fashioned WWF Smackdown! on the drunken Bull. Poor Bull will have
no choice but to go back to being Marsha Warfield's lap
dog...pathetic.
All hail the Solomons...I'd do the salute, but how do you draw
something like that with a keyboard?
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Peach blossoms on trees
I feel better. ^_^
- D@t@-Kun
The Coneheads have...a movie, REM and Chilli Peppers on the movie's
soundtrack, and Dan Akroyd, plus they started out in SNL's golden
years.
Given the choice, I'm going with the Coneheads. They actually
succeeded in conquering the world in their movie. The Solomons
haven't. End of story.
- rock_lobster
All of this comes down to one thing. Shatner.
Shatner.
If you haven't realized the gravity of the situation yet, Solomons,
you need to see something.
Shatner.
SHATNER CAN'T WIN.
Buy the diet sodas for them both, and save yourselves now.
SHATNER. You'd think that WWWF would learn
their lesson and not book these futile matches.
SHATNER. The downfall of
any team.
- Boden-san, protecting the world from priceline.com
- Wubbie (fish paralyzer-free, contrary to reports)
DEFINITION A:
The Cheesy Poof Theorem: I love Cheesy Poofs (a), you love Cheesy
Poofs (b), if we didn’t have Cheesy Poofs (c), we’d be lame (d). (a +
b) - c = d.
The Cartman Cheesy Poof Theorem: Being lame without Cheesy Poofs (d)
is talkin’ Night Court (e) in its Fifth Season Lame (f). d = (ef).
Theorem A1: According to their fight picture, the Coneheads are in
their 1993 movie version, filmed during the year of 1992.
Theorem A2: Aristotle Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon (g) is of Night
Court (e). g = e.
Theorem A3: Night Court (e) was in its fifth season in 1992.
Ergo: “Bull” (g) is Fifth Season Lame (e). g = f.
Thus: “Bull” (g) and his presence are irrelevant. (Theorem I)
DEFINITION B:
Theorem B1: Larisa Oleynik (a) was a regular on 3rd Rock from the Sun (b).
Theorem B2: Larisa Oleynik (c) appeared in The Secret World of Alex
Mack (d) and 10 Things I Hate About You (e). c = d + e.
Theorem B3: The Secret World of Alex Mack (d) is evil (f). d = f.
Theorem B4: Shakespearean Plays Modernized for a Teen Audience (g)
are evil (f). g = f.
Theorem B5: 10 Things I Hate About You (c) is a Shakespearean Play
Modernized for a Teen Audience (g). c = g. Ergo: 10 Things I Hate
About You (e) is evil (d). e = d.
Thus: Larisa Oleynik (a) is evil (d). a = d. (Theorem II)
DEFINITION C:
Theorem C1: Ron West (a) played Larisa Oleynik’s (b) father on 3rd
Rock from the Sun (c). a = c.
Theorem C2: Ron West (a) was a regular on Whose Line is it Anyway?
(d) a = d.
Theorem C3: Whose Line is it Anyway? (d) is good (e). d = e.
Ergo: Ron West (a) is good (e). a = e.
The Dark Helmet Postulate: Evil (f) will always win, because good (e)
is dumb. e > f.
Theorem C5: Dark Helmet is a big loser.
Ergo: The Dark Helmet Postulate is false.
Thus: Good (e) overcomes evil (f). e < f.
Theorem II: Larisa Oleynik (b) is evil (f). b = f.
Ergo: Ron West (a) will negate Larisa Oleynik (b). a + b = a.
Thus: 3rd Rock from the Sun (c) is powerful enough to overcome evil
(f). c > f. (Theorem III)
DEFINITION D:
Theorem D1: Jason Alexander (a) first appeared in a movie called The
Burning (b). a < b.
Theorem D2: The Burning (b) had a Summer Camp Janitor Gone Crazy (c).
b = c.
Theorem D3: Jason Alexander (a) was most likely killed by the Summer
Camp Janitor Gone Crazy (c). a < c.
Theorem D4: The Burning (b) was filmed at Crystal Lake (d), the same
as Friday the 13th (e). b = d = e.
Theorem D5: Crystal Lake (e) is home to Jason Voorhees (f) of Friday
the 13th (e). e = f.
The Immortality Quotient: The inability to stay dead for long.
Theorem D6: Sequels (g) mean the Immortality Quotient (h). g = h.
Theorem D7: The Burning (b) has no sequels (g). b + g = (h0).
Theorem D8: Friday the 13th (e) has nine sequels (g). e + g = (h9).
Theorem D9: Friday the 13th (e) has more of the Immortality Quotient
(h) than The Burning (b). b + h0 < e + h9. Ergo: Jason Voorhees (f)
could murder the Summer Camp Janitor Gone Crazy (c). f > c.
Thus: Jason Voorhees (f) could destroy Jason Alexander (a). f > a.
Theorem D10: Jason Voorhees (f) wants to eliminate anything that has
to do with his victims, no matter what it takes.
Theorem D11: Jason Alexander (a) is the Coneheads’ (j) next-door
neighbor. a = j.
Ergo: Jason Voorhees (f) wants to eliminate the Coneheads (j).
Thus: Jason Voorhees (f) will kill the Coneheads (j). f > j. (Theorem
IV)
DEFINITION E:
Theorem E1: Jason Voorhees (a) will try to kill anyone within a two-
mile radius (b). b < a.
Theorem E2: Jason Voorhees (a) was last seen at WWWF Grudge Match (c). a = c.
Theorem E3: The Solomons (d) and the Coneheads (e) are at the bowling
alley (f). d + e = f.
Theorem E4: WWWF: Grudge Match (c) is within a two-mile radius (b) of
the bowling alley (f). c + b = f. Ergo: Jason Voorhees (a) wants to
kill the Coneheads (e) and the Solomons (d).
Theorem IV: Jason Voorhees (a) will kill the Coneheads (e). a > e.
Theorem E6: Jason Voorhees (a) is evil (h). a = h.
Theorem III: 3rd Rock from the Sun (g) is powerful enough to overcome
evil (h). g > h.
Theorem E7: The Solomons (d) are of 3rd Rock from the Sun (g). d = g.
Ergo: 3rd Rock from the Sun (g) is powerful enough to overcome Jason
Voorhees (a). g > a.
Thus: The Solomons (d) are powerful enough to overcome Jason Voorhees
(a). d > a. (Theorem V)
SUMMATION:
“Bull” will not matter (as per Theorem I) and therefore is out of the
competition. Before the bowling game begins, Jason Voorhees, newly
resurrected from two years stuck in Grudge Match limbo, will slice up
the Coneheads, (as per Theorem IV) who are ready as Mutlantan
appetizers. The Solomons will easily send the goalie-faced killer
back to the grave (as per Theorem V). They will finish the bowling
match with an impressive score of 279 - 0. So the Solomons win.
- Charge Man
- Pophy
1) SNL Characters never work on the big screen. They hardly work on
the small screen. As amusing as the coneheads were, if you saw the
movie you would realize that it is the same shit they pulled on SNL
for so many years. The Only reason the movie was tolerable was the
cameo appearences and the supporting Cast who carried the film.
2) Dan Ackroyd is useless in a fight. Have you ever seen him in a
actual melee?. Did he slug Ms. Daisy and whoop her old ass?. In
Ghostbusters he was the token chicken, the matyr if you will. Any
actor who is reduced to working on Psi Files and has the intelligence
defiency to make a 2nd Blues Brothers Movie does not deserve to be
alive.
3) Do you think NBC would let one of their biggest draws(3rd Rock) Go
up against the Coneheads?. Both are a product of NBC, so it is
logical to assume that due to copyrights, both groups could not fight
each other. NBC would most likely go after other Alien Losers( See
Mork, Earth Final Conflict).
But Hey who cares, as long as they don't Recal Probe me, I don't give
a rats ass.
- Canadian Highlander
For what it's worth, Belushi is the definite winner. As anyone who
recalls SNL's early years can tell you, Belushi IS James T. Kirk.
Thus, he's both the emperor and the giant head.
- Kevin Cherry, Washington, DC
- Goatboy
"Threre's a BULL on the lose"
- greenlante3rn
I'm sorry, but there's no way the Coneheads can win. It's a simple
matter of Name Karma™...think long and hard: What originazation is
sometimes known as Coneheads? The Klan. The Klan is bad karma to the
Nth degree.
To make things even worse, their opponents have such good Name Karma™.
The Solomons? Obvious link to King Solomon, the greatest Jewish ruler
of all time + a very wise dude.
If not that, then it really comes down to Bull v. Harry...both have
never bowled before, and both will have Dumb Luck™...emphasis on dumb.
Most likely scenario: Bull leans over to see how the balls return from
the end of the lane, and Harry mistakes Bull's shiny skull for a
bowling ball, accidentally dismembering the only human in
- The incomporable Blue Lightning
- Nobody
That's true, Brendan. The Coneheads did manage to survive the
Hehovah's Witnesses. But you forgot one tiny detail. The Solomons
have scared off the Jehova Witnesses. Let me say that again.
The Solomons SCARED OFF the JEHOVAH WITNESSES!!!
The Witnesses were in the house, and wanted to leave. They
practically RAN OUT THE DOOR! Normal people just can't do that. The
Coneheads aren't even in the same league as the Solomons.
- The Animator
2) Who is more in touch, It takes the coneheads 16+ years to rig a
simple communicator, The solomons being prepared have harry. Solomons
by being prepared (1-0 solomons)
3) Who got shot down by the US military, Any alien invaders who are
taken out by the standard military without heroic intervention are
obviously a weak species, The Solomons have slipped in undetected (2-0
stealth solomons)
4) as for the unbreathable bowling alley athmosphere, The solomons in
their 'natural' forms are giant purple invertabrates. those can
survive anywhere. (3-0 solomons)
5) Environment familarity. The Solomons know how to cheat creatively.
The Cone heads are too honest, in any game with a score this can be
decisive. (4-0 solomons)
- D.merzel
On the other hand, they AREN'T actually French, so they can't
actually lose. Therefore, they win.
I'm pretty sure Socrates used this same syllogism to get out
of a traffic ticket once.
- Lou the Inscrutible
I love a happy ending.
- The Blue ONe
- My name is Kenny
The Coneheads, rather than bowling the traditional way, decide that
it would be easier to hurl them overhand at the pins. However, they
discover that not only is this damaging to the alley, it is also
horribly inaccurate. They quickly decide to start playing the normal
way, but due to their terrible form and utter lack of flexibility,
the result is the same as before: The ball is let go too early and
flies off to dent the alley without touching the pins. They are only
kept it in the game by Bull's nearly perfect game and the fact that
the vibration from the balls thudding into the walls would
occasionally knock over a pin or two.
Meanwhile, the Solomons also make a startling discovery: They really
suck at bowling, with the exception of Harry, who performs
beautifully, if not gracefully. When Dick asks him to teach the
technique to the rest of the family, Harry explains that he doesn't
know how he's doing this. "I start out thinking about how I need to
win this match or we're gonna die, and then I think about how if we
die, I'm never gonna eat another nice omelet for breakfast, and then
I think about how much I like eating omelets at the IHOP, and then I
think about that rude guy who sat next to us the last time we went
there, and then I look and I've already bowled," he explains. Dick
continues to try and bowl, steadily improving. Sally, however, does
not improve, and responds by turning over a couple of the alley's
tables. Tommy takes the opportunity to participate in some underage
drinking and takes all of Dick's beer.
Tommy has a pitifully low alcohol tolerance, as it turns out, and
starts bowling horribly. He also has the bad judgment to start
hitting on Connie, with all the style and class that makes drunk guys
so popular. Connie gives him a slap hard enough to knock him
unconscious for several seconds. Dick, on the other hand, notices
Prymaat for the first time, and sees her resemblance to Mary. Using
the quick thinking that made him commander, he pretends that she is
Mary, and no being on any galaxy is more driven than a guy determined
not to look bad in front of his woman.
The Solomons demolish the Coneheads. Sally, Dick, Tom and Harry
discuss and philosophize on the match later on the roof, while the
Coneheads are fed to the Mutlantans (which for some reason bear a
strong to resemblance to Chihuahuas.)
- Infraggable Krunk
Now, the Solomons have a lot going for them.
The woman's hot, and Dr. Solomon is all about physics. Games like
this are physics examples in real life and death situations (See The
Big Lebowski if you don't believe me that a bowling ball can save
your life). Bowling and billiards both utilize physics. Also, Dr.
Solomon is a desperate man. He'll order his students to fling
themselves at the pins or he'll fail them. Given Harry's randomness,
he'll probably end up being a bowling whiz. And the kid will hit on
a 56 year old waitress who he thinks is cute because he can't see her
clearly through the smoke. All in all, a fun night, but it'll end
with the Solomon house on top of the roof drinking beer and laughing
at the thought of the Coneheads crying "Meps!"
- Pareeha, Zen Master of Projectile Orbs
Emporer:WAIT!!!
Harry rolls.....it hits the 7 pin.
7 frames later:
Harry:14(All 7-10)
Beldar:X X X X X X X
Bull rolls a Gutter Ball.
(A Ghartok appears and rips Bull to shread.It gets loose and takes out
Harry)
Beldar:Even playing field.
BGH(Spilling his 30th Screwdriver):STOP!!
Spock appears and zaps them all except Connie & Tommy.
A flash of light occurs.
BGH:Where....am......I?
- Disturbed
"We are from France!"
A quick look at the Grudge Match glossary will tell you that he might
as well have said:
"We are horrible, pants-wetting pieces of excrement who will never
win a Grudge Match, ever!"
The Solomons win, simply for being less French.
- Vermin Boy
Beldar pulls out a bag,
unzips it to reveal 3 customized balls that look real "spacey". The
Coneheads have already eaten all of the mass quanities of food. The
Solomons pick who is going to go first, someone makes a "cute" joke,
waits, and they keep on waiting, the laugh track has broken! They can
not move! They are stuck there standing, my god! Beldar (is that how
you spell his name?) decides to go first, he's up at the alley, he
goes foward, the ball is going down the aisle, it knocks down one pin.
Wait! The Coneheads are screaming in horror! They just realized they
performed a sacred death ritual or something and they go running out
of the bowling alley, hold up! Beldar has ran smack into John Goodman.
Uh oh, Jeff Bridges and Steve Buscemi are grabbing Beldar and asking
whats going on. Beldar shows them his horribley huge rack of teeth, oh
my god! John Goodman has shot Beldar in the forehead, gore is all over
the place, I have never seen anything like this in the history of
bow.. WHOA! Steve Buscemi has just crushed his skull with a bowling
ball.
John Goodman: "Goddamn gremlins! I knew it! They were there in
Vietnam! Wicked VC experiments! They've come back from the jungles!
Time for all to die!!!!"
OH no! John Goodman has just pulled a double
barrel shotgun from his bowling ball bag, he's going after the other
two Coneheads.
John Goodman: "I'll show you the life of the miiiind! I'll show you
the life of the mind! Look upon me!"
he's firing! Both Coneheads are bullet ridden piles of gore! Oh the
humanity! Anyways, it seems the Solomons are still standing there
waiting for the laugh track to play. The Coneheads win by 1 pin.
- Charles White Jr.
- One of Many Marks - too tired to have a quippy Mark Jihad quote here
- Eihort
- Ha ha funny
Much like my least favorite commentator, I too come from an area with
bowling as about the only thing to do. The smog from the rednecks
smoking is enough to kill all but the hardiest, and the music is
horrid. The food is a gigantic ball of grease, and don't get me
started on Galaxy Bowling...
But the main thing there is beer. Lots of beer. In bowling pin shaped
bottles. Now then, we have the Solomons, who on occaision drink beer,
and the Coneheads, WHO HAND IT OUT AT HALLOWEEN! These three
drink "canned consumables" like crazy! Have you ever seen them with a
six pack? It's Gone in Sixty Seconds(tm) and they remain unaffected.
Seeing as this is a bowling alley, both teams will be getting
sloshed. It is widely known that bowlers who drink beer while bowling
bowl better. Thus, the Coneheads, whose beer drinking to time ratio
is much better to that of the Solomons, will easily clean house.
But don't fret, 3rd Rock fans. The mini-series on which this happens
has several funny scenes where The Big Giant Head talks about airline
tickets and hotel rooms while telling us to BUST A MOOOOVE!
- Devin "Reluctantly Agreeing w/ Fellow Republican Brendan" The Mental
Hospital Escapee
(If I had a nickel for every time a mental hospital escapee agreed with a
Republican... -Mark)
Or was Mark for
the Solomans?
- Antidisestablishmentairianism
Besides, his logic is flawed. There are dozens of times the rip-offs
have beaten the originals here at Grudge Match (tm). Bart (1987)
defeated Calvin (1985). Tick (199?) beat Spider-Man (1962). Indiana
Jones (1981) bested James Bond (1962). Of course, I suppose you could
argue that Star Trek is 10 whole years older that Star Wars.
But if the original cowboy, kung-fu fighter, and Batman couldn't
defeat their own predecessors, then what chance do some wacky TV
aliens have? The Solomons all the way.
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
- James
"So,Jehovah,what is it that you witness?"
Yeah,I thought so... Oh,and wait,their OD on an OTC medicine makes
them immune to the toxic fumes of the bowling alley! Bonus!
Besides,that chick who plays Sally (I think her name is Kiersten
Johnston,or something like that..) could kick the Coneheads'
collective arses while still looking as foxy as ever! :-P
Seriously,though-kids,doing drugs is bad for you!
- CaptSheridan
- 1/2 Nelson
- "Mad Dog" Mike
In all fairness, the Coneheads actually do exhibit some extra-human
abilities whereas the Third Rockers are just plain fools.
On the other hand, when asked where they originate, the Coneheads
inevitably answer "France." France, of all godforsaken places. If
this doesn't sound their death knell in a WWWF match, then I don't
know what does. My appreciation for the American hatred of everything
French originated when I visited Paris--and then having the stupidity
(and temerity) subsequently to visit twice more.
My appreciation for anti-French only deepened since I moved to
Quebec. It's not bad enough they're simply French fry-gulping, pro
wrestling-watching, no money-earning, bad fashion-wearing yokels
stuck in North America like the rest of us, they have to rub our
noses in it and gallop about like the Gaellic pussies they are and
make utter fools of themselves. "Look at dis, eh? We're not Canadian!
We're Quebecois, mes amies." I say phooey. Phooey to you and the
prison/debtor ship you rode in on.
(Note: I know the WWWF is now hosted by a Quebec company. So, in the
spirit of friendship, cooperation and the hope they keep buying our
stuff: "Hi! How y'all doin' today?")
Oh, where was I?
Yeah, the Coneheads and 3rd Rock. Okay, so there's the French
connection (no offense to Gene Hackman), but then again, when it
comes to 3rd Rock, there's ole Bill Shatner at the helm of their
(star)ship. Here's another conundrum. When you factor in the Star
Trek angle, you instantly have another WWWF loser on your hands.
So where does that leave us? (Finger wags over the big red button.)
Thass right. All killed, maimed and destroyed.
- psychotropic
- D-kun, Grudge fan and writer supreme
- Captial J
The most painful thing that Third Rock from the Sun had ever done is
given French Stewart a Career.
The most painful thing Night Court has ever done, is last 8 seasons
while "The Facts of Life" lasted 9. This proved to me that Satan
clearly is in charge of most television networks (Disney case in
point).
The most painful thing the Grudge Match has done to me, is rebuffed
my all too logical assertion that Clinton Vs. Starr would be a more
applicable related Grudge Match for Yelstin Vs. Kennedy, than
Helmsley Vs Marcos. In hope to avert this situation (and possibly to
get into the glossary) I have just formed the OOPWWTCCRFWOHARCA
(Organization of people who want to chance certain related fights
whose organzation has a really crappy acronym).
As such my vote goes to the Coneheads, what the hell, they have the
Belushi power behind them.
- Peanuts"VIVA OOPWWTCCRFWOHARCA"Pat
- Grandmaster B
Secondly, listeners of Dr. Demento know that the actor who plays Dick
recorded a re-make of the song, "I'm a Gnu." Given his intelligence,
he must have considerable pull with his fellow savannah-dwellers. If
the beasts' stampedes along the neighboring bowling alleys were timed
properly, the vibrations across the wooden floors should knock down
all the Solomons' pins.
Depending on how dirty the 3rd-Rock crowd was willing to play, Dick
could also direct his African brethren headlong into his competitors.
Does everyone remember Mufasa's death from "The Lion King"? Conehead
guile and tools might stop sentients or individuals, but not huge
masses of stupidity. Trying to face a wildebeest stampede is the
Serengeti equivalent of standing inside the front doors of a hickville
Wal-Mart the morning of the first shipment of "Cabbage Patch Kids."
With the combination of high-tech and Sheer Brute Force(tm), the alien
anthropologists win all the Diet Tab they can stomach.
- Matt Bricker
- MonkeyDog
- Mike Leung
- Andy the Anarchist
Any-who, the Coneheads are definitely going to win, and here's why. Dick is a Physics professor, so he could flawlessly explain the physics involved, could describe the perfect speed and torque to apply to the ball, yadda yadda yadda. But come on, we all have known his type: he can talk a great game when it comes to sports, but he trips all over himself whenever he has to try anything athletic. So he is not going to be a great help. Harry is too goofy to be talented at, well, anything. Tommy probably won't even be able to lift a six-pound ball. Sally should be athletic enough to compete, but she won't be able to do it alone. The Coneheads are good at everything they do. But their secret weapon is, of course, Bull. He just looks like a bowler; he'll definitely be able to carry the Coneheads to victory. So even though Beldar is off confusing everyone by talking to them and all the employees are gawking at Connie, the 'Heads take it. Viva la France!
- Adam B.
Regardless of who survives, Tuesday night filler on NBC and crappy
movies will never be the same.
- tracer
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Home |
History |
Suggestions |
FAQ |
Stats |
Links
Next Match: Terror at 671 Lincoln Avenue |
