"Oh, crap! I almost forgot..."
"Hold on! I just flashy thing-ed you. You're not supposed to remember anything, K."
"You have to learn how to set the dials, kid. We have another case we have to take care of before I go. Our fugitive's last known location was Boulder, Colorado, but he's likely headed here. New York is the intergalactic hub for most spaceships."
"What did this alien do?"
"He willingly participated in the illegal procreation of an inter species child without a license. His interference is also responsible for the Denver Broncos winning the Super Bowl. Cost me five big ones."
The next morning, somewhere in Jersey City...
"You are under arrest for violating section 15.69 of the Intergalactic Mutation and Disease Control Treaty."
"Step away from your busted-ass, er, space egg and put your hands in the air. ALL of them!"
The egg spaceship cracks open to reveal nothing inside.
"The old empty egg trick. Well at least we have his spaceship. Now, let's get searching before he finds another way off the planet."
Meanwhile, slipping between buildings in Soho, a family of three nervously looks at their watches.
The woman with the Girl-Next-Door dimples asks hesitantly "Do you think that diversion is going to work?"
"Of course it will," replies the younger of the two males. "Mearth's placenta egg is very similar to an Orkan egg ship. Aren't you glad we kept it?"
"I guess so. Where is the escape ship meeting us?"
"Shazbot! I'm not sure. Orson indicated it would arrive today. It leaves in six hours; I'm sure we can find it before then."
So, Paul, will the Mysterious MiBs Manacle Mork, Mindy and Mearth, or will the Meandering Miscreants Muster a Miraculous Migration?
PAUL: Never in WWWF history has the conclusion been so obvious. The Men in Black get their man, woman and child. First, there is the technology advantage. They have the most advanced tracking equipment on the planet, able to pinpoint the location of anyone, anywhere doing anything. Every time Mork has scratched himself has been logged. Do you think for one moment he could possibly hide from them when they are actively looking for him? I don't think so. Then throw in the scanners, weapons, vehicles and the rest of the cool toys, the tech edge is just overwhelming. This is the fugitive equivalent of the Iraqi Republican Guard versus Desert Storm and it is going to be just as embarrassingly lopsided.
Then you have the experience. The MiBs are highly trained professionals that hunt down aliens for a living. These people don't even blink when it comes to confronting spaceship armadas, super alien criminals or weird mutant plagues. What can Mork do? Turn his face green? Drink water through his finger? Even I'm not impressed. Remember Edgar the Bug, the creature that nearly caused the extinction of all of humanity? Well, he was a million times more dangerous and ended up just so much silly string in Queens. And let us not forget the pre-MiBs experience. Remember what Will Smith did to those aliens in Independence Day? Didn't Tommy Lee Jones get his man (eventually) in The Fugitive? These two have a long track record of getting the job done. This case won't be any different.
Of course, all of this is academic because more than likely, J & K won't even have to do any real work. Mork, Mindy and Mearth are going to stick out like sore thumbs, even on the streets of New York. Yeah, maybe under the Dinkins administration people might leave them alone but these days, New Yorkers don't have to respect the rights of "quality-of-life" criminals anymore. Trust me, one look at these three is going to have 911 switchboard lighting up like a Christmas tree. I can just hear the call now. "What's the nature of the emergency?" "There are three weirdos outside: some guy high on speed who says he is looking for a spaceship, a senile old dude who thinks he's a two-year-old and a mental patient who says she's the old dude's mother." "We'll be right there." The only real question here is do the Men In Black get there first or do they have to go down to the local precinct and neuralize everybody. MiBs in two hours.
HOTBRANCH: Yes, Paul, the conclusion is tremendously obvious, but not for any of the feeble reasons you've blathered on about. The technology advantage you so proudly flaunt was not able to pinpoint the location of Edgar the Bug; it was more concerned with tracking Dennis Rodman. Looks to me like MiB central is little more than a high-tech office betting pool. Mork has been traipsing about as an undetected alien since the late 70s. If the MiB tracking equipment was so advanced, don't you think Mork would have had to answer questions about Mearth by now? Even more embarrassing for the MiBs is the fact that Mork repeatedly tried to register with the Department of Immigration, only to be met with the typical government runaround. And isn't this what ultimately dooms the MiBs? They are Feds (INS, division 6), and as such are doomed to writing everything up in triplicate. J and K will be filling out requisitions for at least half the day, giving Mork, Mindy, and Mearth plenty of time to escape.
The fact that you so grossly underestimate Mork's abilities will only make his escape that much easier. The Previous Experience Factor™ clearly favors Mork. As an experienced intergalactic traveler, he charted 16 galaxies before arriving peacefully on earth. Unlike Edgar the Bug, who wanted only to kill and destroy, Mork is experienced at undercover operations, and knows how to keep his skin on and maintain a low profile. As a master of disguise, Mork has impersonated a priest, an Air Force Lieutenant, and even popular comedian Robin Williams. The pre-MiB experience is pretty sad, really. Tommy Lee Jones didn't get his man, Dr. Richard Kimble delivered the real villain on a silver platter. As for Will Smith, he has less than a week's experience as an MiB, and his resume lists only a victory over the ID4 aliens--the same aliens who got destroyed by the Borg Collective.
Finally, Mork, Mindy, and Mearth could be walking around naked, quoting Pauly Shore movies, and nobody would give them a second glance. This is NEW YORK CITY, Paul, the place where weird is normal and polite gets you killed. If anyone did bother to call Bill Shatner at 911, the likely response to your emergency call would be "Buddy, you just described half the people in my office. Call back when ya got a REAL problem! <click>" It will be too late when J and K realize that Mork and his brood have slipped through MiB fingers and departed for Ork on the Goodship "Leggo My Eggo."
PAUL: You Fool! You Fool! You just make all my arguments for me! First, you claim that the technology wasn't able to track down the bug. Well, I don't know if you Canadians are on metric time or there is some weird exchange rate when you cross the border, but it took the MiBs less than TWO DAYS to track down the most dangerous creature on the planet. Even more relevant to this match, when faced with a deadline, they found and wasted him in less than an hour. Considering that they know Mork's general location, they can take a long lunch, save the world twice, capture Mork, catch the Knicks game AND fill out the paperwork.
Just as laughable is the thought of Mork as some sort of crack undercover agent. Oh, really? The man is a moron. Did he or did he not try to buy a baby? Fall in love with a mannequin? Bring a dead caterpillar to a funeral home? The list goes on and on. And what has he done to rectify this obvious problem? He spends half his time in the attic. He lives in Boulder, a small, pleasant city out in the middle of nowhere where nothing happens and there is nothing to see. Heck, even Mearth has more street smarts than Mork. This naivete is going to be fatal in NYC. We all know Mork will get separated from Mindy and Mearth at some point. By the time they are reunited, Mork will have bought the Brooklyn Bridge three times and lost all his clothes and his spaceship to the local 3-Card Monte dealer. And a naked man, even in New York, WILL be arrested. Chalk up another capture to the Men In Black.
HOTBRANCH: You have the temerity to call me a fool, then present this impotent rebuttal? You sad, sad little man... I'll type this slowly, so you'll understand it, Paul: Edgar the Bug left behind him a trail of death and destruction that even Mark Fuhrman couldn't ignore. Technology or not, the MiBs should have been on Edgar's ass in a New York minute. Need I remind you that Mork, Mindy, and Mearth are hitching a ride out of town within six hours? Last time I checked, 6 hours went into 48 hours eight times. Furthermore, if Edgar is a million times more dangerous than Mork, that means the MiBs have a one in 8 MILLION chance of capturing Mork. Might as well bet the farm on the Tri-State Megabucks, because the odds are pretty much the same!
I'll grant you that Mork did some strange things when he first arrived on earth, but it was part of the learning process. You are very conveniently forgetting that emotions are banned on Ork, so Mork, unhampered by the moral dilemma of taking a life, could very easily become the next "Son of Spam" and go on a vicious killing spree. And if any more evidence of Mork's brilliance were necessary, the selection of Boulder is the icing on the cake. Most every other alien chooses the midwest or large urban areas, like New York, Washington, or Los Angeles. To choose a city like Boulder is proof that Mork knows how to hide and stay hidden. The MiB's failed mission will result in having the neuralizer shoved up their asses to erase their futile existence. Mork has left the planet. Nanoo! Nanoo!
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A few explanatory minutes later...
"Don't sweat it, Mork. I can take care of it."
"Thanks, Ritchie. Your a real pal. I'll visit as soon as I can to thank you properly."
"Uhhh.. No, thanks are needed. Just get yourself and your family home."
A few Hollywood-string-pulling minutes later...
"Hey Will!"
"What do you want? I'm kind of busy."
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. The part's been recast."
"What?! The movie's already done! How can the part be recast now?"
"That's the way it goes, Will. The new guy is already here."
"Who? Who do they think can do this part better than me?"
"Ummm. Well..."
"WHO!"
"Webster."
*faint* Thud.
With J now played by a munchkin(TM), K spends all his time carrying the tike around town on his shoulders and answering questions like, "What's an 'encephlopod'?". He has no time left to look for the errent alien. Mork, Mindy, and Mearth find a Starbuck's, order honey-vinegrette-latte-expressachino-frappes, and settle down to wait for the rescue egg.
- Robert Lamm
Mork got to Earth in an egg... a very big egg. And that egg was loaded with all kinds of low-density hydrocarbons (known in the common vulgate as "cholestrol"). Mork could have gotten here back in the Seventies in a giant egg without being detected by either NORAD or Soviet Air-Space Command, but this is the Nineties, and today we have the Food Police(tm), or more accurately, the jack-booted gestapo of the Center for Science in the Public Interest(tm), as well as every other do-gooder trying "to make life better". Do you think that the same bunch of idiots who made it impossible to get a halfway-decent bag of movie-theater popcorn and nearly destroyed the hotdog industry are gonna let Mork flit around in the equivalent of a metabolic thermonuclear weapon?!
As Mork is delayed as his ship is in the impound awaiting proper USDA grading, the Men In Black swoop in and haul Mork, Mindy, and Mearth away. The Food Police(tm), in the meantime, accidentally hit the self-destruct on Mork's ship and are irradiated with high-density lipoproteins. While Mork and co. are awaiting their day in court, the nutrition thugs die a terribly slow, lingering death as Orkian cholesterol turns inferior human circulatory systems into a hard, brittle, ugly mess. A loss for Mork, a win for Men in Black, and modern civilization is free to indulge in sin once again!!
(yes, I'm bitter about the popcorn thing...)
Alas, poor tidings for Sandra Bernhardt, doing a one-woman show off-Broadway. For she will be framed by Madonna (yet another publicity grab: "My best friend was an alien!") and will spend 110 minutes evading K and J, until she leads them to ALF, currently doing dinner theatre in the South Bronx.
Yo!
- Vlad, wonder monarch of Saskatchewan
- An astronaut, since that's what you'd prefer
Mork did what all Orkans do when at war -- he hid. The Orkan civilization has survived by hiding everytime there was a war. In fact the alien leader (Rachel Welch - that's why I remember this episode) remarked that the Orkans were the best hiders in the universe. And Mork has all of New York to hide in.
The MIB is great at stopping Evil Aliens (TM), but Mork doesn't qualify as such. If the MIB do succeed in finding Mork, it will be the typical Good Guy (TM) vs. Good Guy (TM) encounter - a brief conflict, a coming to understand each other, then working together to defeat the real Bad Guy(TM).
- Mark
The MIB will have Mork and Family sliced and diced within 30 minutes tops. Forget about Tommy Lee Jones. It's true that he couldn't even get his man in 2(count em) 2 Fugitive movies. And don't forget the embarrasing episode in 'The Client'. And Will Smith will be to busy 'getting jiggy with it' to pay attention to the matter at hand.No, the deciding factor in this matchup will be the newest MIB, L. aka Linda Fiorentino.
Linda has a track record of man catching that is unequalled. The Last Seduction, Jade, Unforgettable, Romeo is Bleeding...etc. etc. The list of men falling at Linda's feet is unmeasurable. Mork will be no different. Hell, the odds are, Linda will have Mork, Mearth, AND Mindy groveling at her feet in 25 minutes.
- Derrick
(car tires) SKRREEEEEE
K: I think we've found them. Hang on.
J: Where are they?
K: City Morgue. They got fished out of the East River with gangland slogans all over them.
J: Well, that was quick. What's for lunch?
- RITH
Anyway, Mork and Family have it made. As we have seen (on Happy Days, where he also proved himself able to defeat the unbeatable Fonz), Mork can travel through time, so all he needs to do is travel back to the innocent fifties before the MiB was formed, and hide out with his woman and their illeagal offspring until the MiB think they have lost them. Then they return to New York, our time, and hook up with the O.S.S. Grade-A, for a safe flight to Ork.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
The opening of a second Taco Bell™ (thereby increasing the "city's" number of fine dining establishments by 100%) does not make Jonhson City, or any other place in Tennessee, better than New York. Call us when you get cable. Oh, and thanks for the award! -Eds.
A. Tommy Lee Jones has no history of catching his man, and, based on prior performance, would end up chasing Harrison Ford for at least an hour and a half, before Indy proved his innocence. This would give Mork & Co. a hell of a head start.
B. Mork has experience and is in fact a veteran at disguise and stealth as proven by his earthly secret identity, Robin Williams. (yeah, I'll grant you that Mrs. Doubtfire and The Birdcage sucked, but he managed to kill approximately 3 hours total fooling everyone around him...
C. Mork is immune to the neuro-whatsit-flashy-thingy, as it only works on beings with some level of brain power. As his head is empty, he need not worry.
D. He has greater firepower than any technology the MFIB's could dream of: bad comedy. The virulent force with which this vile weapon can destroy the human mind outguns any replacement camera bulbs.
E. Mork's got extensive hypergalactic connections and could fill this entire planet with Mork Clones (TM the sheep ppl) to confuse the MFIBs. Imagine living in a world full of Morks! Even the bad 80's rap of Smith can't stand in the way of that much insanity.
Summary: Mork wins in 5 moves, MFIBs wind up arresting Harrison Ford AND the one-armed man, convinced that they are Mork & Mearth in disguise, and that Mork killed Mindy before he went to prison.
Remembering the early 1980s, when Mork did enough cocaine to kill a small horse, Mindy slips a crack pipe into Morks mouth. He gonna tough-love Will Smith like Lennie on a puppy.
The MiB gonna DiE.
J: Step away from the... the...well, whatever it is, move away from it.
K: [to J] it's not a 'whatever' it's actually a transport class 9 tar-
J: I don't care K. [to Mork] Put your hand above your head.
Mork: Mork stupid. Mork no understand.
J: Have it your way jerk.
Mork: It's actually pronouced 'Mork' and not 'Jerk'.
J: Whatever. [a ringing noise sounds and Mork explodes] Cool. I never get tired of doing that.
- Erblavex
- Mr D.
For within his chest beat the hearts of a true blue Denver Broncos cheerleader. That K & J overlooked this bit of Mork's history will lead to their downfall.
Mork will don his twenty year old outfit. It may be a little tight, but it will serve his purpose. Boots, skirt, panties and vest; The perfect outfit to accomplish his goal. A little rouge and he's ready to face the Men in Black.
K & J have been keenly following the trail of the Orkan family, but they are quite surprised when Mork pops out of an alley all dolled up. A doe eyed wink and a shake of his shazbootie are all it takes.
J cannot resist the alien's wiles and immediately starts gettin' jiggy wid' it. K isn't fooled, but he can't get a clear shot around J, dancing fool that he is, especially around that purple velvet hat [where'd he get that?]. Still, he takes careful aim and waits for his opportunity.
It finally seems to come when Mork circles around J so that K's line of sight is no longer blocked. K fires! The sparkles on his cheerleader vest reflect the precise frequency of light that the nerve ray emits. K gets a face full of his own nerve ray and begins walking into a nearby wall. This is the opening Mork needs. He quickly performs the Orkan earlobe squeeze on J, rendering him unconscious.
When the Men In Black recover, they flash each other with their brain scramblers so that they don't have to report this debacleback at HQ.
- phredd
- The Singing D.J.
Agent K: Lost to Batman, can't capture Han Solo, didn't listen to that chick and got L.A. fried.
Agent J: He may have knocked out an ID4 alien, but you would be shaken up too if your ship crashed into a mountain, and Hotbranch makes a point, they get beaten by the borg.
MIB: (as a whole) Let's see who else they let get away. ALF, E.T., All the 3rd Rock aliens, that guy from Out of This World (remember that show?) who got the Earth woman pregnant and she had a child with wierd alien powers, Starman, My Favorite Martian (Ray Walston), The Original Star Trek crew came back to Earth more than once, etc...
Now Mork: His track record holds well. He's beaten the KKK in Boulder Colorado, come out on top at the end of every episode, and reports to Orson, thus completing his assigned mission. For crying out loud, he's beaten 'the Fonz'!!
Mork got the finger, they aren't disarming him unless they literally "DISARM" him. If you take the MIB's little toys away, Agent J and K are totally useless.
- --Vinnie Mondaro, Eric Eick, and Lillian Knox
Mindy, of course, will be harder to track, since no one remembers her since "My Sister Sam" & she doesn't have an Obsessive Stalker (tm) out to kill her....
- cygnia
"Operator?" says Agent K, "Get me the United States Army!"Within minutes, the US Army is deployed.
"Operator?" says Mork, "Get me the Orkan Army!"Within minutes, an exterminator is telling Mork hes booked up until a week from "Thoisday."
The MiB will arrest the treaty violators. God bless AMERICA!
- Mark Wentz
A. "Orson, today I learned that I can evade the interstellar alienpolice, cheat justice, and gloat that I got away with it all. Nano-Nano, suckers!"
B. "Orson, today I learned that crime doesn't pay. You must alwaysaccept the consequences of breaking the law. Sure, sometimes you'llsay "Shazbot", but it's the resonsible thing to do."
Obviously, the correct moral lesson here is choice B (except inWashington DC), and ergo, Mork must be captured by the Men In Black.Plain and simple.
- STEVE
Three problems. First, these aren't wide-open LA freeways, but gridlocked NYC streets. He'll be lucky to make it four blocks. Second, this is not the cowed-by-the-Riots LAPD, but a New York police force unafraid to actually catch criminals. Lastly, since Mork is white, those cops will have nothing to fear if they play some outdoor Baton Bingo with him once he's apprehended, so they will be extra motivated to make the collar.
J & K arrive on the messy scene in forty minutes to collect their fugitives, but have to spend the next five hours neuralyzing dozens of cops, hundreds of spectators, and four newschoppers flying overhead. Then the escape egg arrives, forcing J to fry it with his "noisy cricket", and they have to start neuralyzing all over again. J & K quit MiB in protest after their requests for overtime pay are denied, and write a tell-all book which, strangely, nobody ever recalls being published.
- Call me Shane
- "Mad Dog" Mike
Tommy could not ONLY call on his MIB resources but also has a two bit gang running around Gotham city AND a federal marshall service that helps him TRACK down fugitives. Granted Will Smith doesn't help much with his Bel-Air family, but as Paul pointed out he has the US government on his side.
What does Mork have? His "form fitting" body suit from Doubtfire? Sally Field? Please.
- The Undertaker
I hate to bring campaign finance into this thing for the second week in a row, but...if HotBranch's assertion that Mork has masqueraded as Robin Williams is true, then that makes Mork one of the DNC's biggest contributors. Heck, he apparently has given enough cash to earn the privilege of making fun of Hillary's hair in public. If Communist aliens can buy off this White House, why not a space alien? Federal help did it for Godzilla, and it'll do it for Mork. One phone call to the Supersecret Contributor Hotline, and all of a sudden, J & K have another assignment: Finding out which planet Kathie Lee came from.
However, let's assume Mork forgets his Donor PIN Number, and the match does go on. MiB, for 3 reasons:
The Rainbow Suspender Factor: There's some camouflage...
Packer Backer Factor: K bet five big ones on Green Bay. Always bet on the Cheesehead. Cheesheads are a superior form of life.
The Williams-Winters Factor: Have you ever seen these two guys in a room together? Saw it on Sixty Minutes once. Instant, non-stop, hilarious improv routine. They won't be able to stop themselves. They'll make half a mil from passersby in the subway who think they're street performers, but it won't do Mork any good when he's in alien jail desperately trying to avoid dropping the soap.
By the way, none of my anti-Mork hostility has anything to do with the many times I got a can of whoopin' opened up on me in grade school for carrying a Mork and Mindy lunch box. No, really.
- Silverback
--jeff
- Balthazar
The Men-In-Blacksters are going to tango with the baddest ally that any Grudge Match contestant ever had...Orson!
Remember how Mork used to speak with Orson at the end of the show? Note Mork's upturned head and Orson's thundering, bass pipes. Obviously this is an Orkian who is in a size/weight class with the larger Jovian planets.
And for those skeptics who claim that Orson was really on Ork (hence out of reach), you are forgetting that transmissions cannot break the Lightspeed Barrier. Thus, because Mork was enjoying repartee with Orson without any time-lag, we can conclude that Orson was actually in the same room, albeit off-camera.
I predict that the MIB will chase Mork into some abandoned warehouse or somesuch, where Orson performs a sumo-flop on their sorry butts. Pinned and helpless as a midget centarian, they'll be down of the count and Mork sails to victory.
- Chancellor, Province of Chiriatti
- Marc Moskowitz
- Vorrin Nal
Surprisingly few of the WWWF Grudge Match Classic(tm) matches pitted humans versus aliens. There were many matches pitting alien vs. alien (Chewbacca vs. Worf) and futuristic humanoid vs. humanoid from a legendary extraterrestrial past (Enterprise vs. Death Star), but man has fought aliens far less often in WWWF than in the movies.
There is one match between human and non-human, however: John McClane vs. The Death Star. Humanity kicked butt in that instance, so score one point for the MiB.
Another match which foreshadows the MiB vs. Mork battle is Beetlejuice vs. The Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters stood for humanity and order, while Beetlejuice stood for chaos. The Ghostbusters mopped the floor with his sorry ectoplasmic self. I think the parallels to the match at hand are all too obvious. Another point for the oh-so-strict MiB.
Let's examine Mork for a moment: in his first visit to earth, he was easily defeated by none other than Arthur Fonzarelli. How potent was the Fonz in WWWF combat? If you'll examine Sam Malone vs. The Fonz for a moment, you'll see that The Fonz failed to achieve the desired goal and lost in a rare double KO. Subtract a point from Mork.
What do the MiB do? They regulate alien life on earth, including such alleged extraterrestrials as Dennis Rodman, Elvis, and Sylvester Stallone, WWWF matchwinners all. In theory, the MiB should be able to handily defeat all these aliens. In theory. In theory, communism works. No points awarded to either side.
When I was nine years old, I thought Mork and Mindy was really cool. That and the Bee-Gees. Subtract a point from Mork.
Who would you bet on, Pam Dawber or Linda Fiorentino? Add one point to the MiB, subtract one from Mork.
Final results: MiB 3, Mork -3. Numbers don't lie. MiB win.
- The Demented Astronomer
Mork's a sitcom character and is bound by the Laws of Sit-com Dynamics. Thus, nothing he does can have any long-reaching impact. Like all sit-com characters, the end of every one of his life's episodes must always put him back pretty much where he started. (The exception, of course, being those rare "On a very special episode of..." situations.)
I don't know what wacky hijinks and improbable events will lead to it, but I strongly suspect that in the end the MiB will not only fail, but will also find reason to give up the persuit entirely. Meanwhile, Mork & Mindy ( & Mearth, a weird offshoot of the Godzooky Principle) will NOT get off of Earth, but will instead return to live life much as they always have in Boulder.
Does this count as a win for M&M(&M)? Or only a loss for the MiB? Having to vote one way or another, I'm going with The Man From Ork, but really this seems to me a lose-lose proposition.
Yes, this ignores all of the factors in the MiB's favor, but don't forget that Mork, being an imbecile, has the Inspector Cleaseau thing going for him and will always win out in the end even if through no merit.
- Da Ghodfather
The first F is, of course, focus. With a top-selling album and new wife Jada Pinkett-SmithTM, not even the most Gumpian of people could think that Will Smith is focused. Clearly, he is distracted by the fruits of his success. Furthermore, we're quickly approaching summertime. And we all know from his Homebase album that once summertime comes around, his only concern is waxing his car and driving down the avenue (2 miles an hour, so everyone can see you).
The second F is foresight. One only needs to watch any 10 minutes of Volcano to know that Tommy Lee Jones lacks foresight. He'll even tell you that, "I can only take care of what's in front of me." Are these the words of a man who is going to successfully capture the cunning Mork?
Mork will leave the MIB's left pondering whether Will Smith really could beat Mike Tyson.
- Chewly's Gum
(1) MiB: Two highly sofisticated, heavily armed, heavily trained officers who have delt with things that crap bigger than Mork. They have got those series A-photon discombobulators with mutate capasity (alright, so i was wingin that part, sue me) and Noisey Crickets (TM). Theyve got Will Smith, who was a part of the NYPD. The friggin NYPD!!!! Hes GOTTA be tough to put up with all those damn New Yorkers. And then Tommy Lee Jones. While it may seem hes just an old SOB, hes really got the Rage (TM). He lost his bitch when he joined the service, and cant contact her at all. Thats gotta hurt.
(2)Mork: A crazy pissdrunk who has a crush on a stupid slut and cant dress. He has to report to Orson every day. Probably a dopefiend.
So, the MiB show up and pull out those sweet guns of theirs. Suddenly, its time to call Orson. "Mork calling Orson, Mork calling Orson. Come in Orson." Will Smith comes up behind him and kicks him in the back, sending him to his knees. "Wuzzup now homie?" Tommy Lee pulls out his Discombobulator and sends his head into the stratosphere. MiBs in a minuete and a half.
- Brian C Strock, esq
- Kilgore Trout
- Terpman
The three leave the office, Kay dragging Jay by his jacket collar. They hop into the spiffed-up car, and zoom to Ohio. From there, Kay takes a bus to Colorado, while Jay and Elle stay to apprehend the Solomons. They arrive in a small town called Rutherford, where a dejected fat guy with an eerie[TM] smile is sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus. He's mumbling to himself, "No more Jerry, I got cheated out of that Postmaster General[TM] job, and now sally dumped me! Oh, Sally my sweet...Sally Solomon..."
On hearing this, all Jay and Elle had to do was approach him and hotwire the Flashy Thing, which caused him to tell them where the Solomon's live.
Elle and Jay knock on the door of the big white house, and are answered by a loudly dressed lady. Jay smirks to Elle, "I'll handle this. You just watch..."
Meanwhile, Kay is sitting in Mork&Mindy's living room, cup of tea in hand. Across from him sit Mork (although that's not exactly called sitting) and his human wife. Kay leans back and speaks.
"So, Mr. Mork, I'm told your an alien from the planet Ork. is that true?"
"Nu. Na na noo?" Mindy casts him an irritated glance.
"I agree, nice place. I have a few friends from there... I also understand you're taking your lovely family with you for a visit tomorow."
"Yah, we are going for the Mork family Reuinion. Bork, Spork, Fork, and all the little Orklings..."
Kay smiles at him, "Great, great! You'll have a good time, I'm sure. But one problem, you're not allowed to leave with anything in your vehichle from earth. Border laws and all, you understand."
Mork shakes his head (which means yes), reches down into his pants, and hands Kay his underwear. "Na nu na nu!"
"Uh, thank you Mork... Now, if you'll just look at this red light here, I'll be on my way..."
- Nybar
- Longfellow's wench
- The Listmeister
Mork got his start on "Happy Days." Remember the duel between Mork's finger and Fonzie's thumb over at Arnold's? Aayyyyyy! Plus they made up at the end and everyone became friends. Mork, Mindy, and Mearth are sure to have plenty of fifties pals who are willing to throw "the fuzz" off track for a few short hours. Inevitable distractions will include Malph and Potzie running around in Mork outfits...Joanie telling the MIBs to sit on it...and the Fonz himself bending Tommy Lee Jones over a sink, just to show him those pockmarks don't scare the coolest man on earth.
Who has Will Smith got? D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the cast of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." No contest.
- Whit
DJ Jazzy Jeff will be upset that he didn't get recruited for theretired agent "G" and confound Will Smith's efforts.
- WVU Chuck
End result: Mork, Mindy, and Mearth zip off in a cheesy, clunky spaceship while J and K are desperately searching the skies for a sleek, spaceworthy craft. Mork is saved by Orson's low budget alone.
- Sizer
Just look at the mindset of the average INS agent. He knows that his job is hopeless, for every one illegal he catches ten more are going to get through and even the one he caught is just going to try and cross over again the next day (to say nothing of the high probabilty of getting shot by drug runners).
Now let us consider the mindset of your typical MiB. These guys have sacrificed their entire identity to become MiBs. They've cut themselves off from everyone they ever knew, do you really think they did that just to turn into INS agents? No, of course not! You become a Men in Black for fighting Edgar the Bug types, for saving the world and all the usual hero stuff. You don't become an MiB to just become another faceless immigration cop.
What are they going to do if they catch Mork, lock him up? No way, the prisons are already overcrowded. Deport him? He's trying to get off the planet as it is, if they deport him he wins. The MiBs will put up a token effort to catch Mork, but their hearts just won't be in it, and because of that Mork is going to win.
- Brendan W. Guy
Unfortunately, one "Fresh" prince will then "knock his punk-ass down" (TM)
- 1/2 Nelson
Jim Carrey did Robin Williams a favor by accepting the paycheck for that Bat-bomb. -Eds.
Mork! Duh.
Anybody familiar with the origins of Mork (re: Happy Days) will recall his ability to stop time on a whim and subsequently command any individuals outside of his personal timestream to do whatever he chooses. Thus, .003 seconds into the match, Mork freezes time and orders Will to "get jiggy wit' it and then shoot yourself in the face". Game over.
- Ray Sizemore
Niggas/blakc people rule, cuz dey be cool. And Will is gonna knock dis good little boy' ass to the morgue! (which is conveniently under MiB control...)
- Army thug (coolio... is cool)
- Eugene the bug
- Noser the Fishless
- Tel & Pizazz
- Mordenflagg
Mork, of course, can call on all the jungle animals from "Jumanji", and he also has some experience in combat from being a DJ during the Vietnam War, but unfortunately for him, he will lose this fight.
"Why?", you demand? You rude bastards! I'll tell you why; because of a previously unmentioned character that brings all the power with him: Zed!
Zed will bring the Beastmaster running, looking to finish what they started on top of that temple. When the Beastmaster sees that his old nemesis has been reformed, he will join the MIB team in its search. The Beastmaster, of course, will bring his old friend John Amos. This will open up a whole 'nother can of worms; it will unleash pure unadulterated Mentos-level coolness in the form of Jimmie "JJ Walker. Nothing could beat that! But wait, there's more.
Zed will also call his friend Hank Kingsley (due to scheduling conflicts, Larry Sanders is unable to attend this match). I know what you're thinking Hank Kingsley?! What the hell would he be able to do? Ah, ye of little faith. Hank brings with him his old friends Edison Carter and the one, the only
MAX HEADROOM!!! With Max and all his computing ability by its side, there is no way that MIB can possibly fail at its mission.
Watch for Mork on a dissection table in Alien Autopsy Video Outtakes II: Too Hot for T.V. Coming Soon to a Video Store Near You!
- Martin "Superfly Snuka" Pezzimenti
- Adam B.
Adam, in the future, could you please try to limit yourself to a single response? Since you submitted 3 pro-Mork responses and 2 pro-MiB, we figured you preferred Mork.
Kids, let this be a lesson, we know who is voting more than once. Big brutha is watching your punk ass! -Eds.
- The Genius Formerly (and Still Known) as Eddie
Ha!! The MiB work for the government? Hotbranch, might I remind you of the INS agents in MiB saying "There is no division 6"? This simply shows how flawed your resoning is. Methinks that you've spent some time in my turf of South Dakota during the winter to get your brain this frozen. The real Fed here is Mork. Remember how he had to report back to Ork's government about us humans at the end of every episode? This shows him to be another mere bureaucrat, meaning HE is the one who'll have to fill out all the paperwork.
When he's about to get on the ship to Ork, he'll be asked, "All right then, have you got the forms for bringing nonindigenous and half-breed life forms onto Ork filled out in triplicate?
"Mork will reply, "Forms? Oh, no!! In all the rush, I forgot to fill out the forms!! Look, can't you just let us on anyway? It's an emergency!!"
"Sorry, I can't let you on without the proper paperwork. Have a nice millenium!" As the ship takes off, the MiB arrive, finding Mork, Mindy, and Mearth (fresh off his guest role on Scooby Doo) standing there agape. Score: M, M, and M: 0, MiB: 2 (after neuralizing Mindy and family and turning her into a ski instructor back home).
- Nick Zachariasen
"There is no division 6" If I had a nickel for every response that mentionned that, I'd have, uh... let's see... about a quarter. And my brain isn't frozen, I just have an "ice cream headache". -HB!
Yet, DESPITE this incredible advantage, it's Team Mork in a runaway runaway.
Camouflage is second nature to the TV trio. Think of all the times an unsuspecting Mindy opened a closet, only to discover Mork. Consider how these two chameleons blend into their surroundings merely by standing on a goalpost. And anyone who knows Jonathan Winters' past mental state will recall that he sometimes has to.... er..... go away.... for awhile.
And this disappearing skill isn't just learned, it's genetic. Remember Mindy's wussy dad who owned the music shop? He just disappeared in Season Two. Adios, no explanation. Then he was back in Season Three. Are YOU buying the oh-so-lame cover story? ("Oh, we forgot to mention it before, but Pops was off 'fulfilling his lifelong dream' by touring the world as a conductor.") Obviously he knew how to get lost and stay there, and Mindy knew how to zip her lip for 26 episodes and then some. If you doubt Daddy McConnell's invisibility genes are coursing through daughter's milky veins..... why, just look at how easy it was to overlook Mindy on her own show! And as for Mork's genetics, who did he report to? Right, Orkian poobah Orson. Ever actually SEE Orson?
How about the episode in which Mork was befriended by a club of closet racists? Mork eventually used his talented finger to turn all the baddies Negro, Latino or Asian under their hateful white hoods. Think J and K will be on the lookout for a Puerto Rican Mindy with a Filipino Mearth? No way, Jose.
Some sorry souls would argue that once transplanted to New York, it'll be that much easier to find the trio of tourists. Uh-uh. Boulder's population in the late 1970s was around 75,000 (courtesy World Almanac). Mork & Mearth roamed those Mall-of-America-like streets for FOUR long years without EVER being captured and dissected. NOW that they're in a city with more than a HUNDRED times more people, four outer boroughs, subway tunnels, and God help us, the streets of Chinatown, they're supposed to be spotted in... hee hee.... six hours? Fuggedaboutit. It takes six hours to get from Manhattan to Queens on the BQE. The Men in Black have less of a chance than the "My Sister Sam" booth at a syndication convention.
The only flashing that will be done on this New York City afternoon WON'T involve memory. And even if the Men somehow did wipe out Robin Williams' mind, his proclivity for stealing material would quickly refill it. Plus, there's no telling what secret ninja moves Mork can demonstrate with those deadly rainbow suspenders.
Could outside interference tip the balance? Let's see.... who do the Men in Black have to watch their backs?
#1 Noted Will Smith associate: DJ Jazzy Jeff.
#1 Noted Tommy Lee Jones associate: Al Gore (roommates in college).
Nope, looks like the MiB are on their own. Whereas Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters have heavyweight Hollywood muscle in their rolodex, starting with rested-and-ready Johnny Carson. One phone call from Mr. C, and the Mighty Carson Art Players will be roaming the Apple, armed, dangerous, and ready to get jiggy upside Will Smith's head. Even Robin's lesser cohorts infuse him with fighting spirit. Consider the unloved flop 1979 "Laugh-In" revival; getting goosed by Wayland Flowers with the Madam hand puppet on a daily basis easily quadrupled Robin's inner anger, and certainly provided ample inspiration to hide.
Wanna make it the character "Mork" only, instead of Robin Williams? Okay by me.... who's the first person Mork checked in with here on Earth? You got it-- The Fonz. Nobody can beat the Fonz. Game over. It's a complete rout, even without unholstering the Ex-factor: Exidor!
The egg is cast, my friends. Mork & Company will be soaring higher than Belushi after the speedball, while Smith & Jones will be staring dumbly into the sky with shazbot-eating grins.
- The King of Tonga
- A Librarian in Philadelphia
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Beetlejuice v. The Ghostbusters
Bandit v. CHiPs
Waldo v. Carmen Sandiego
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