World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

"This thing is getting out of hand," Attorney General Janet Reno told her staff. "Ever since the Monica Lewinsky (tm) story broke, the press has smelled blood and the feeding frenzy has gone non-stop. Now they want an investigation on everything. Since this administration has committed itself to conforming to public opinion, that's exactly what we're going to do.

"We need to re-open the Vince Foster (tm) case. Find me an Independent Counsel (tm)."

Later that afternoon, at a press conference in the Pentagon:

"Please, please!" Reno implored. "I'm going to make a brief statement and will then be glad to answer any questions you might have. As all of you are aware, a former member of the White House (tm) staff, Vince Foster, allegedly committed suicide in 1994. The suspicious circumstances surrounding his death and the events following his death, his close ties to the WhiteWater (tm) case, and his alleged affair with Hillary Rodham (tm) Clinton has led us to re-open the investigation, even though we investigated it several times already and nothing ever came of it.

"To expedite the process, we have appointed two Independent Counsels to this case: the head detective of Police Squad!, Lt. Frank Drebin, and Special Agent Maxwell Smart of CONTROL. They each have carte blanche to proceed as they wish. Whoever finds out the truth first will be awarded a cushiony, well paying government position. Before questions, I'd like to point out that we couldn't hire Inspector Clouseau due to security clearance difficulties."

So, Steve, which stumbling sleuth sniffs out the story of the suspicious stiff?

Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun and Police Squad! Maxwell Smart aka Agent 86, Get Smart

Frank Drebin

vs.

Maxwell Smart

The Commentary

STEVE: Only the nation's finest, Maxwell Smart (aka '86'), is going to solve this one. He has the talent (aka blind luck), the elite training, and the Washington connections to get this solved. And most importantly, he has a shoe-phone to keep in touch.

Now, I'm not going to try and convince you that Maxwell Smart is the greatest investigator ever. But compared to Frank Drebin, there is no contest. Obviously, both detectives are pretty clueless, but Drebin just goes off the end of the clueless scale. For crying out loud, his own partner Nordberg was a double murderer* and he didn't even realize it.

Frank Drebin can only solve the cases that get handed to him on a silver platter. He spent an entire movie trying to track down who was going to kill the queen. And he only solved it when an armed, hypnotized Reggie Jackson came within seconds of accomplishing his task. And they're pretty meager tasks in comparison to Smart's. What are the simple tasks of preventing a shooting, or tailing an escaped bomber, compared to keeping the entire free world safe from the ravages of Mr. Big and KAOS? And he does it all in half an hour to boot. Max will have this case wrapped up while Drebin is still busy hitting on Elvis's wife.

BRIAN: If there has ever been a stronger argument as to why not all people should be allowed to vote, I've never heard it.

First of all, Nordberg committed those crimes* after Naked Gun 33 1/3. Thus, Drebin only worked with a wife-beater, but that's small potatoes considering the big fish he went after. Drebin went after real criminals, not those silly, cartoonish, Kirk Douglas-type "Villains" Smart pursued. You name it and Drebin's nabbed it: Royal assassins, international terrorists, Khan. What was Smart's biggest case? The Nude Bomb? I think my point is made.

Additionally, Smart's half-hour schedule will only serve to hurt him. Remember, this is a federal and political investigation. Thus, it is going to drag on and on. Smart, used to wrapping things up in neat little packages, won't last. Drebin, however, with a career spanning several decades shows that he has the staying power necessary to handle any government entanglements. And what of Smart's recent comeback with the new Get Smart series? Well, if you needed any more proof of his lack of staying power, that's it. I don't think that show even lasted a full episode. It got pulled half-way through in favor of a Gunthy-Renker (tm) infomercial (and the ratings skyrocketed).

Another patented Smart crutch is gone as well: secrecy. Smart always sneaks around with his shoe phone or getting information from the malleable Agent 13. But once CNN's Wolf Blitzer (tm) shoves a live microphone up his ass, you can forget secrecy. Drebin, OTOH, has convinced an entire stadium that he was Enrico Pallazzo AND a Major League Umpire, as well as foiled a terrorist plot at the Oscars (tm) on national TV. Clearly, Drebin is more suited for the Media Fish Bowl (tm) in which they will be working.

Drebin solves the case in just under 8 months, 7 months after Clinton has left office. Priscilla, hardened by years of seeing her ex exploited in the tabloids and well trained by The Penguin from her time on Those Amazing Animals, will 86 Agent 86 in no time.

STEVE: Oooooh. It sure is real difficult to convince people you're Enrico Pallazzo when (A) They're all drunk (B) They can only see you through tremendous glare on DiamondVision (tm) and (C) They have no idea what the real Enrico Pallazzo looks like to begin with. Let's face it, under those conditions, you could have them believe that Stephen Hawking was a famous tenor. Drebin has no talent as an investigator or as an opera singer. And would you really want someone who doesn't even know the words to our national anthem leading an investigation of this magnitude? I think not.

And Maxwell Smart is not limited to his investigative experience at CONTROL. Don Adams was also the voice of Inspector Gadget, and can pull on those years of experience as well, not to mention an infinite variety of built-in gadgets that would put James Bond to shame. And what kind of gadgets does Frank Drebin have? Last time I checked, absolutely none. Drebin is simply unequipped for the job.

Smart will have WhiteWater wrapped up in 30 easy minutes as all the information conveniently falls into his lap. Meanwhile, Mr. Magoo (shudder) wanders around half-blind and all kinds of zany antics ensue.

BRIAN: What benefits, exactly, does Don Adams have from his years as Inspector Gadget? All the stuff he learned from those kids who were smarter then he was? If there was actually any kind of learning curve during his time as Inspector Gadget, then Smart is clearly in trouble. And as far as a gadget advantage, let's not forget the pedophilic Ted Olson of Police Squad labs, inventor of the tranquilizer dart cufflinks. Gadgets are clearly a draw.

And your comments on Pallazzo are laughable, Steve. If it's so easy to impersonate an opera singer, why haven't you done it? If the fans were so drunk, and he was so hard to see on the DiamondVision (tm), how did that one guy pick him out so easily when Drebin took his umpire mask off? And speaking of the umpire mask, he was up close and personal with several major league players, coaches, and other umpires, and they were all fooled. True, they were all probably high on tobacco juice, but it's still proof that he's a master of disguise and deception. Additionally, he's proven that he's a tremendous judge of character; a definite plus when sniffing out a bad guy. In every movie he has distrusted someone that everyone else respected, and guess who turned out to be the criminal? And in the first movie, he saw fit to flip an incapacitated O.J. Simpson over a railing for no particular reason. All he has to do is be in the same room as the guilty party, and he'll know where to start looking.

Drebin holds a press conference in the Lincoln Bedroom (tm) to announce his findings: Vince Foster was actually murdered by a previously unknown cigarette smoking member of a secret government organization. The press swoon over him, and he is quickly whisked away to his new, cozy, kickback-filled, intern-loaded government job. Smart, however, is stuck on the back steps of the Jefferson Memorial, with the only interested reporters being those from C-Span 4 (tm). "Missed it by that much!"

*Not actually proven in court. But painfully obvious nonetheless.

For Get Smart and Police Squad links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Frank Drebin (1394)

out-sleuths

Maxwell Smart (1295)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (TM) (ROTW)

As with any Washington scandal, the issue always comes down to politics and polls. Allow me to explain.

Frank Drebin will not be a factor in the investigation. He and OJ will be combing every casino and golf course west of the Rockies in a grinding manhunt for Nicole's killer.

Maxwell Smart had not been heard from for a number of years. With the end of the Cold War (tm) and the cancellation of his TV show, Max became despondent, eventually driving away even his loyal wife, 99. She leaves him to return to her home in Miami where she raises peacocks, becomes a lesbian, and furthers her career in law enforcement. Later, Chief Q approaches Max about volunteering for a top-secret cyborg project. He is cybernetically enhanced and given the code name Inspector Gadget. Still totally without a clue, he has no hope of finding the truth of the Foster case alone. Here his young niece Penny and her surprisingly intelligent dog Brain step in.

Penny, brilliant as always, constructs an elaborate scheme to spy on the President. She wires Brain, dressed as a voluptuous new intern, believing that Clinton will be attracted by Brain's large Paula Jones-like snout and inviting lips. But due to his faulty programming, Gadget as usual mistakes the dog for a MAD Agent, shouts "GO GO Gadget Skates!" and jets off after the poor creature through the hallowed White House hallways. Attorney General Reno, leaving a Cabinet meeting, is attracted by Brain's hirsute stubby legs and joins in the mad chase as well, colliding with the clumsy inspector. In a flash of recognition, Reno gasps "Max?!?" and Gadget cries out "99?!" Yes, the US Attorney General is actually the former Agent 99 to whom the years have not been kind. Reno, having developed a fondness for mechanical devices over the years, renounces her lesbianism and with a shout of "Go Go Gadget Helicopter!" the pairs hovers into the DC sunset.

But our saga does not end here. Brain doggedly continues his mission and true to Penny's insight the Prez is drawn to his canine charms. Using her hi-tech Computer Book, Penny captures the whole ugly spectacle on video including, in a fit of amore, Clinton's bizarre admission of culpability for Foster's death.

But where do Penny's political loyalties lie? Does she turn the video over to Reno who will insure that it never sees the light of day or forward it to Ken Starr where it would likely see the same fate? We can be confident that the girl's scientific genius was not fostered in a public school, so we can safely assume that the NEA's odious liberal agenda has not polluted her mind. That leaves that possibility that she is the child of rich Republicans or hypocritical Washington Democrats opposed to school vouchers while sending their children to Sidwell Friends Academy.

With a name like Penny, our heroine is obviously the child of capitalists, so the info inevitably is turned over to Starr investigators who leak it to the Press. But when CNN's Larry King airs the damning tapes, Clinton's approval ratings inexplicably soar to well over 130%, confounding pollsters and mathematicians alike. Clinton denies that he had any "improper relations" with the dog, and besides this is not adultery. The American people do not believe him, but they do think it was all the dog's fault.

Penny, ever the demurring non-feminist, sees to it that her uncle gets the credit for solving the case, therefore my vote is for Inspector Gadget, aka, Agent Maxwell Smart.

- mojo d

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

This is so simple it hurts. It's all down to trash cans. Everybody knows from watching third rate American TV movies that the law protects the guilty with a bewildering array of Defender Friendly (tm) regulations; "Can't do X,Y,Z without a warrant or the evidence isn't valid", etc. If, however, the evidence accidentally 'falls out' of the accused's property then who's the wiser? Picture this - the winner arrives in his car accidentally knocking over a series of trash cans out the back of the White house. Out falls piles of shredded Whitewater incriminating documents AND the piece of evidence that solves the case. Unknowingly stuck to the crime buster's shoe the hero walks the evidence straight into the middle of a press conference on the front lawn. Yep - Drebin in the time it takes to park his car.

- Liam

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Ok, lets go through this point by point to show you why this case can only be solved by Maxwell Smart.

In terms of ability, our two intrepid detectives come out even. Both have demonstrated a remarkable ability to succeed in spite of themselves, and an enthusisatic disregard for those annoying laws against excessive use of force.

Which brings us to the matter of experience. And while Smart is known for his years as a Control agent and as Inspector Gadget, it is a little known fact that he once worked a case with the Scobby Doo gang (ok, he was working as an exterminator at the time, but I'm sure he must have picked up a few things from them) As such not only does he have all the experience that Drebin has, but as a last resort he can always just grab Hillary, and pull the mask off revealing the true criminal mastermind behind this case (probably Gore).

Than there is the matter of partners. Drebin has Nordberg, who will probably spend the entire case golfing with Kenneth Starr (although in an investigation of white collar crime, a golf course is actually probably a good place to investigate from) and being harassed and mocked by reporters.

Smart has the beautiful Agent 99, who he can send to get whatever information he needs out of Clinton (admittedly, she's probably pushing 50 now, but like Clinton is all that discriminating), and Hymie the robot, who as an android is probably the only being on Earth capable of reviewing all the WhiteWater records without dying of boredom. And the aforementioned ever malleable Agent 13, who is bound to prove useful slipping into file cabinets throughout the White House.

And that brings us to our final point, the time frame issue. The fact is that America does not want a long drawn out investigation. We all have the attention spans of five year olds. If this case isn't solved within thirty minutes, we're going to lose interest. Drebin's methodical and extremly slow investigation will put America into a coma (and Clinton will get off, just by provoking a war with Outer Mongolia or some other minor Third World country, as soon as Drebin gets close). Smart on the other hand, with his crack team and incredible luck will blunder into success, and do it just quick enough to keep our attention. (The only downside is by giving Smart carte blanche to solve this case. His expense account is going to throw off any hope for a balanced budget this year, but that's a small price to pay in exchange for getting Clinton into the Cone of Silence)

- Brendan W. Guy

assuming i can use the police squad tv series as support, drebin's got it in the bag. neither of them could solve it on their own, but drebin's got Johnny, the shoe-shine boy (tm). after twenty minutes of getting nowhere, drebin will go to get his shoes shined and the following conversation will take place:

drebin: johnny, what do you know about the vince foster murder
johnny: i wouldn't know anything about it
(frank hands johnny a $20 bill)
johnny: (pulls out an envelope from under the stand) this envelope contains a video cassette which shows the murder taking place and a signed confession by the murderer implicating (insert who you think the murderer is).
frank: thanks johnny. (leaves)
(miller lite's dick walks up)
dick: i need a new advertising gimmick
johnny: i wouldn't know anything about it
(dick hands johnny a $20 bill)
johnny: you need something totally stupid. make a commercial with three frogs making different sounds which when arranged properly sounds like "miller lite."
dick: thanks johnny (leaves)

- adam minakowski

Maxwell Smart will win. He just has too much going for him. I mean, how could anyone beat him if he has a nine-year old with a laptop in her book that not only does all her homework for her, but also allows her to spoon-feed the entire case to him. Max Smart will have solved the entire case by the time Drebin gets his police car off the roller coaster.

- Phill and Matt

If there was ever cause for a third category, it's this match. Smart and Drebin won't be able to step out of their houses without being hit with indictments, subpoenas, audits, and rumors of sexual depravity gleaned from secretly obtained FBI files. There won't even be shreds of them left for the wind to blow away.

Meanwhile, Priscilla Presley and Barbara Feldon will be hired as new White House interns -- the latter having her designation lowered by 30 especially for this assignment.

Call me Shane
Official Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy(tm, Hillary) Member of the STGF*

- * Stay tuned for details

Its plainly simple when you think about it. Maxwell Smart works for the federal government. Frank Drebin works for a local government. Everyone knows federal government jobs are for those that cannot get jobs at the local government levels, and those are for people who can't get jobs in the private sector. Everyone also knows that even though the Government takes alot of money in taxes, precious little of it gets to law enforcement agencies.

So things will happen like this. Maxwell Smart will have to cut through 300 yards worth of red tape even to get access to recordings, etc. Since the budget will be tight, he will not be able to pay informants, thus further keeping him from learning anything usefull.

Frank Drebin, on the other hand, will still have limited cash for informants, but we all saw how he creatively made 20 bucks from an informant by tricking him into paying him for why he needed the information. With this method, he will have access to all the information he needs, and will have it all wrapped up in about 6 months. (after all, he is still a bumbling fool)

- Art DeBuigny

Drebin in a cake walk.

He's surrounded by winners and success. First, he was in Airplane with none other than Kareem Abdul-Jabaar: NCAA National Champion, Collegiate All-American, Multi-World Champion in the NBA, Hall of Famer, All-Time scoring champ. With just his help, this one is a lock. And add to that the Lakers, and this could get ugly. But wait, there's more......!

Drebin has with him a man who won the most honored award in college football, a man who set numerous records in the NFL, and a member of the NFL Hall of Fame! He was with a man who was able to stun the world by avoiding conviction for a crime he quite obviously committed, as pointed out expertly by Brian earlier. You see, The Juice (tm) can't lose, no matter how stacked the odds. And besides, if Smart ever got the upper hand, Orenthal James would just slice Max into a steaming pile of flesh.

With this kind of unbeatable help, Drebin will manage to solve this complex case even after crashing a plane, bumping uglies with Michael Jackson's ex-step-mom, crashing his car AND putting up with that fat dude who does those stupid Breath-a-Sure (tm) commercials.

- Adam B.

Assume, for a minute, that it's a dead draw between Frank "Magoo" Drebin and Maxwell "Gadget" Smart. Why, then, of course, the sidekicks will decide the issue. In that case, 99 clearly has the edge over Nordberg. 99 is totally unflappable and is so in control of her emotions that she doesn't even crack a smile whenever Max gets his nose stuck in a door. Plus Barbara Feldon is, as Austin Powers (another master spy) would put it, "Shagalicious, bay-bee!" On the other hand, Nordberg would be making amateurish mistakes like tracking bloody footprints on the carpet, scattering DNA everywhere, and trusting Kato to get his story straight. Plus no one believes anything he says anymore, he's lost all his endorsements, and he's just too busy looking for the "real killers."

Actually, it will all be over long before that. Smart clearly has the edge even if the sidekicks are not taken into consideration. In Drebin's only two previous attempts in command positions, he a) lost his entire spaceship crew to "monsters from the Id," and b) rolled an entire ocean liner. Smart has had several years experience dealing with Zigfried, a master criminal who fiendishly convinced a cruise-ship captain that Zigfried was in reality a fully qualified doctor.

- Deacon

Max may be every inch the bumbler that Frank is, but he is discrete. This will be his downfall. Drebin has the "Mulder factor" working for him.

[Scene: dimly lit, opulent, smoke filled room]
Virgo: Is the plan proceeding as anticipated?
Cancer: We have encountered... unforseen eventualities. Both men have a copy of the video tape.
Virgo: WHAT! It was locked in an impregnable safe sitting at the bottom of the Potomac. Only you and I knew about it!
Cancer: A series of... bizarre co-incidences, involving a bungy jumper, a wrecking ball, and a runaway killer whale.
Virgo: Unfortunate. Options for erasure?
Cancer: Smart is as good as dead. He has a proven track record of being able to be captured and we can cover up his disappearance under the official secrets act. He is an agent of the secret service, after all.
Virgo: Eeeexcellent. And Drebin?
Cancer: Unfortunately he attracts media attention everywhere he goes. He can't even make a simple arrest without blowing up a fireworks factory. I'm afraid he's too high profile.
Virgo: Hmmm. Never mind. He's a common constable. What would he know about world politics, hmmm? Hmm, hmm, hmwah-ha-ha!
Cancer: Very drole, sir.

- John Hunter

I can see no more convincing arguement than the stud factor here. Drebin survived the cat-o'-nine-tails treatment from a leather-clad Anna Nicole Smith, made jungle love to Priscilla Presley in a full-body condom, and filled a bucket large enough to bathe a toddler in with love pudding. What has Maxwell Smart done? Sure, 99 was attractive, but he was too busy answering his Bass Shoe Phone (tm) to take notice of her. Drebin, after "interrogating" Ms. Lewinsky behind closed doors, will take his new cushy government job, along with a staff of young, female interns as well.

- Mike "Ironman" O'Neill

After some consideration, I have to hand it to Frank Drebin for a number of reasons. The biggest thing that sets Drebin apart from Maxwell Smart is this: style. While both have a propensity for making fools of themselves, Frank Drebin has an air of dignity about him, giving a surprisingly moving speech even as he open-mouth kisses Barbara Bush. Maxwell Smart panics much more easily. Also, Frank gets the girls. While presumably he'll remain loyal to his wife Jane no matter what color her hair is(brown? blond? huh?) he is not above talking sweet with a white house intern if it's gonna get him information he needs to convict. There must be some beautiful henchman of the slimy european villain behind this. And as far as I know, Smart never even bagged agent 87. Also, Frank's formidable kung-fu skills demonstrated many times will doubtless aid him, whereas smart relies on sheer dumb luck. Though Smart has the admitted advantage of being written by Mel Brooks back when he was FUNNY, before the days of such godawful movies as Spy Hard and Dracula:Dead and Loving It, I think Mr. Drebin can regain some of the self-esteem he lost by playing(cough) Mr. Magoo by solving this case before the bumbling secret agent stumbles onto the first obvious clue.

- Jonah "icky" Gold

This match is going to come down to one thing only - who's going to end up in hosptial first.

Over the years, Frank has shown an incredible talent at putting other people in hosptial. As any of the 30 liability lawyers who traditionally follow in his wake can attest.

Maxwell Smart, on the other hand, has a similair talent. But he chooses to direct it inwards. Every week, he comes within an inadvertant button press of doom. The only person who can save him from his folly is Agent 99.

But she'll be too busy elsewhere. Where will they have to start their investigation? In the White House of course. And Agent 99's brilliant disguise as a White House intern may lead to greater complications than she had imagined. Leaving her unable to protect Max.

So what will happen? Well while Bill is showing Agent 99 the way little Willie veers to the left, Frank and Max go to investigate the White House computers. And due to a freak accident, Max is electroucted by the mains wire Frank inadvertantly exposed. Leaving Frank time to kick back and relax and wait while his faithful partner Nordberg (who was actually just wearing an OJ Simpson disguise) gets to the bottom of the dastardly plot, of whatever it is they're supposed to be investigating. Well, it never seemed to matter much in the shows, either....

- Robert Ewing

Frank Drebin will handily whip Maxwell Smart. The reason? Good old CANADIAN ingenuity.

Leslie Nielsen was born and raised in Canada, where we relentlessly seek out the clay feet of our would-be national heroes. He will not be intimidated by Washington insiders who try to warn him off the case "in the best interests of the nation". He knows that if the USofA collapses as a result of his revealing the truth, he can just move back north, and make a comfortable living as a recurring character in Due South (tm) episodes.

Furthermore, his brother, Erik Nielsen, was house leader of the Government of Canada, and a long-time Member of Parliament, so he will be able to offer him invaluable tips on how senior members of democratically-elected governments are able to arrange "accidents", and how they would go about covering it up.

Steve's half-hour episode argument conveniently overlooks the fact that before the Naked Gun (tm) movie series, Frank Drebin was wrapping up various cases in Police Squad (tm) episodes with nonchalant ease in a half-hour, and also freezing in position during closing credits without twitching a muscle.

Drebin would quickly cut to the chase, and uncover the smoking gun, or unwrap the dripping p**** as it were. What's that? Yes, there is sex in this case, as it is revealed that Vince Foster (tm), was in a messy trapezoid with Janet Reno (tm), Hillary Rodham-Clinton (tm), and Dee-Dee Myers (tm); and just like Jennifer Connelly's (tm) character in Mulholland Falls (tm) had to be killed for the secrets he unwittingly discovered. Thus he was dropped from an airplane, then his body was moved to the park where his "suicide" was staged for the incompetent D.C. Parks Patrol to naively accept. Drebin reveals all this at a press conference 2 hours after receiving his assignment while an adoring Priscilla Presley (tm) and George Kennedy (tm)(!?!?!?!) gaze lovingly at him. In the back of the room, Agent 86 is heard muttering into his shoe "Sorry about that Chief."

- Kevin Erker

Aw, c'mon guys. We all know that Drebin and Smart are incompetent. Drebin solved his cases through the brilliance of sheer obliviousness, and Smart had 99 and the rest of CONTROL to do his work for him. Well, ok, Smart's nasal whine probably forced a few villians to plea bargain. This investigation of Vince Foster's (tm) alleged suicide has a story.

Following the release of "Wag the Dog," Slick Willie's advisors realize that everyone will see right through any military actions against Iraq like Bill saw right through one of Monica Lewinsky's diaphanous nightgowns. So, the advisors are in a quandary: how do we deflect the attention away from Bill "I feel your pain" Clinton? Simple: do something that apparently goes after Hillary! The media feeding frenzy(tm) that results from the mention of the First Lady(tm) going to jail will detract attention from the military strikes (which the administration wanted to do anyways, for fun, despite being democrats). Of course, when faced with a political situation, both Smart and Drebin are slowed to a halt. The investigation never really goes anywhere, allowing Clinton to finish his term in office. So who's the real winner? Tipper Gore. Yes, Tipper. The various investigations never really turn up anything and are thus forgotten, allowing Al Gore to run without the spectre of being a FOB hanging over him. The GOP can't come up with an exciting (or even living) candidate in 2000, and Gore wins easily. Tipper, of course, becomes First Lady(tm), thus alleviating the frustration of eight years of being second banana when of course she is much hotter, if a little scattered, like this response.

- Squidboy (formerly known as Sluggo) at UIC

Don Adams once appeared as a guest star on Scooby Doo, and those kids could solve anything. If even a fraction of this has rubbed off, Max will have the case closed before Frank can even bumble his way across the road (causing a 50-car pile-up in the process, without noticing it).

- DM

Well, I'd tell you why I voted for Agent Smart, but I'm inside the cone of silence. Sorry...

- Tony J. Case, Super Genius

As much as I love Agent 86, I think he's met his match. Drebin has infinetely more experience on big cases, while Smart is barely qualified to read parking meters. And while 99 is much better looking, George Kennedy is more of an asset in a fight.

- 40

Don't forget that Don Adams also played another culturally significant role: Tennessee Tuxedo. He was a penguin whose duties included helping a human companion, Phineas J. Whoopie, and a non-human companion, Chumley the walrus, explain scientific facts to kids. Does this sound at all familiar? Hmmm . . .

Don and Herb are penguins who help Beakman and his female co-host du jour, both of whom are humans, and Lester the rat, most decidedly non-human, explain scientific facts to kids. A coincidence? I think not. The evidence suggests that Don and Herb are simply Tennessee Tuxedo reincarnated. As was noted in a response to the Beakman vs. Bill Nye match, Don and Herb seem to be alien spies keeping humans under surveillance. It follows, then, that Tennessee Tuxedo must also have been an alien spy who would no doubt have little difficulty in unlocking even Washington's mysteries. Maxwell Smart, via his Tennessee Tuxedo connection, has the upper hand in finding inside information, and therefore he easily beats out Frank Drebin.

- Longfellow's wench

Let's take a closer look at Inspector Gadget. He is human, but has mechanical parts, making him, by definition, a cyborg (tm).

Result: "Resistance is futile. Go go Gadget Assimilator (tm)"

- Jak the Duck

Agent 99 may be well preserved, but she probably isn't up to all the physical stunts the job requires. As for Drebin, he can always change Nordbergs. The original was Peter Lupus, in the movies it was you-know-who, this time it will be another guy, neatly bypassing the partner problem.

- The Demented Astronomer

This one is so obvious it's sickening..Frank Drebin by a landslide! The reason for this is simply because Clinton wouldn't allow either of these investigators to even come CLOSE to solving this case and getting him impeached from office. Clinton would s end out his private squad of agents to make sure that both Smart and Drebin have a terrible "accident".

Since Smart is an agent of a government based operation, all Clinton's agents have to do is sell him out to Mr. Big and KAOS..not to mention Dr. Claw and MAD. Mr. Big would soon have Smart's head on a platter, and Dr. Claw would soon be feeding the voca l chords of his nemesis Inspector Gadget to MAD cat!

However, since Drebin is a master of disguise he would not be noticed very easily. Drebin would simply work his disguise magic and roam the White House in search of evidence disguised as Socks the Cat. Soon Drebin would find a secret compartment in the desk of the Oval Office by accidentally banging his head on it..finding the evidence he needs..and thusly turning it in and ending Clinton's reign of terror!

- Got Smart!

I just can't see Derbin doing it. Why? Look at all the women Clinton has allegedly had affairs with. Smart's too good to get messed up with a woman for a long time, but Clinton can use these to his advantage, sic woman after woman on Derbin, and h e'll be so excited he'll be unable or unwilling to work.

Smart, meanwhile, will not be deterred. While I will grant that Smart never caught Mr. Big himself (or MAD, if you want to get into Gadget lore), Reno doesn't ask him to find the man behind the orders to kill, she asks for the killer.

- Doug Fowler

Smart screeches through the intersection, other motorist crashing out of his way. It all made perfect sense now, the murder weapon, the way the body was left, the time of night, the grilled cheese sandwich. All clues pointed to one man, now he had to beat Drebin to the arrest. As he slammed on his brakes in front of the White House, he saw a group of painters climbing out from underneath their scaffolding, he feared he was too late. He rushed in the front door, running straight at him was the suspect Al G ore, clad in only his Italian designer underwear. Behing him chased Frank Drebin, he saw Hillary peaking around the corner holding a towel to cover herself. Al ran right into Smart falling to the ground. At that moment the press showed up with the rest of the police force. The case solved and murderer caught.

- Gladi8r

Glossing over Don Adam's career, you've neglected to mention his time spent as the voice of Tennessee Tuxedo, part of the Underdog anthology of cartoons. This is appropriate, as the true villain behind the death of Vince Foster is ... Simon Bar Sinister!

... would you believe ... Riff Raff?

- Michael Leung (new address)

This is a close match, but in the end Smart is triumphant Why?

1. Gadgets. As Steve pointed out, Smart is just loaded with gadgets (hell, his alter ego is Inspector Gadget, what more proof do you need?). What does Drebin have? Some pink ears and a cheesy drum. And as we all learned during the Gulf War (TM), he who has the most gadgets wins the war. Or at least gets the best TV coverage, and since we're talking about Whitewater this is even better than solving the case.

2. Other work. This is almost a wash, but here again Smart comes out on top. Sure we have the Nude Bomb, Get Smart Again, and the more recent Get Smart (a.k.a. "What the Hell were we thinking?"). But all that is cancelled out and more by Dracula: Dead and Loving It (someone should have put Mel out of his, and our, misery after Robin Hood). Steve's already mentioned Mr. Magoo. And endorsing beer is fine, but COORS?! Frank, Frank, Frank, its time to stop sniffing the glue and retire.

My prediction: Since he's on CSPAN, Smart has this wrapped up in a cool 22 minutes without even pausing for a commercial break, with time out to trick OJ into confessing. Drebin is left hopping around, pounding on his drum with those other WhiteWater hopefuls Austin Powers and Bean.

- the Budman

Of all the matches I've had the honor(?) of witnessing, this one has by far the potential to be the most fierce (except Rotwieller vs Chiuauauauauauauas) On one hand, you have Lt. Frank Drebin, an agent in Police Squad. On the other, Maxwell Smart. Agent 86. While Drebin is definitely physically able for his job (in the first movie didn't he take out an entire roomful of Iranian Terrorists™?), his detective skills simply aren't up to snuff. He relies mainly on slapstick and sight-gags to solve his cases. Smart, on the other hand, has the skills necessary for a Washingtonian criminal investigation. He's a highly trianed government investigator with years of experience in the soft underbelly (I think that's the right term) of Washington, D.C. Also, take into consideration the factor of aid. Smart not only has Agent 13 to help him with information, but he's also got Agent 99 as a partner. All Smart has to do is promise Slick Willy (I mean, our esteemed President, Mr. William Clinton) a date with 99, and Old Bill'll spill his guts faster than you can say "y'all" Who's Drebin got? Nordberg the double murderer (see the footnote in the commentary), and Priscilla Presley, who by now is little more than a wrinkled old bag. I think there's little doubt as to who's gonna win this one. (But then again, maybe Clousseau will show up, on the trail of the Pink Panther, of course, and bumble his way to the solution before either of them)

- Oz the Great and Terrible

One possible scenario is given below, based on scientific studies, interviews with the people involved, and tarot cards.

First Stage-
Drebin: Goes off to the sex shop to inquire if Clinton and Ms Lewinsky have been there. Makes the 'is this a bust joke'. Fails to realise that when he asks for 'Bubba' he is going to get a rather long list.

Smart: tries to call Control, only to find that he left his shoe phone in the shoe store. Trips over agent 13 there, who tells him that he saw kenneth Starr acting suspiciously in the store the day before.

Second Stage-
Drebin: emerges from a LOOONG round of visits only to start following a Clinton look alike because 'He's supposed to have a perfect memory, yet he can't remember stuff.' A week later, Drebin realises that the perfect memory thing was part of a case he had once actually solved.

Smart: Follows Starr around. Notices him planting evidence in the White house, but doesn't realise what has happened until he talks to 99 about it.

Stage 3-
Drebin: Does wacky stuff and bad puns because he knows that he has no idea.

Smart: Tells Starr 'Would you believe that i know that you are a mad criminal mastermind?' When Starr says 'No', he says 'Well, would you believe that I know that you're a Republican?'

Stage 4-
Drebin: Goes home to his wife.

Smart: Trips over the cushy job.

So there we have it- a terrific Get Smart episode, and a lacklustre Naked gun movie. Smart wins.

- Zhirrzh

Give me a break. Smart is anything but. Even he knows it. In his own descriptions of his events, he tries to exaggerate the truth. And even more glaring, everyone knows it.

SMART: I solved the Foster case with no help at all from anyone.
99: You're full of it.
SMART: Would you believe I had a little help from Inspector Clouseau?
99: You still couldn't solve the case if it fell on you.
SMART: Would you believe I needed the help of every human being on the Continent of North America?

Frank Drebin, on the other hand, just solves it without trying. Some people call it luck, I call it natural skill.

- Vorrin

While Smart and Drebin stumble around making fools of themselves, Inspector Clouseau arrives on the scene after all. His rather unique French accent has caused him to misinterpret the international red tape, so when he shows up at customs he presents them with his trusty sidekick(TM) Chief of Security Clarance.

Being French, Clouseau is the only one of the three capable of dealing objectively with the allogatoins of Vince and Hillary's affair. Smart and Drebin, being Americans, would not accept it being true because there wasn't a wood chipper anywhere near the body, and they could never believe Hillary would leave evidence unshreded.

Unfortunately for Clouseau, the latest of Pres. Clinton's ill advised appointments was former Chief Inspector Dreyfous to head up the FBI. Dreyfous immediately recognizes Clouseau as a threat to national security, and puts the whole power of the US government into eliminating Clouseau (thereby creating another independent council for Pres. Clinton when this is discovered in a few months time.)

After donning hundreds of flaky disguises, surviving dozens of bomb explosions, being whacked on the head several times by his man Kato, and puzzling more than once about the cartoon about a certain carnation colored feline, Clouseau accidently stumbles over the truth (never noticing the two assassins accidently shooting each other as he falls.)

Unfortunately, Janet Reno wasn't amused by how Clouseau entered the country, and so declared his investigation and all of the evidence he collected to be inadmissable. She sends Clouseau back to Paris and word to the president that one more scandal has been dodged.

- Anonymous official "close to the president"

Let's look at some facts. 1. During the '92 campaign it was widely reported that Bill Clinton does a dead-on Elvis impersonation and that he had a taste for the King's pre-lounge act works, particularly the early '60s stuff. 2. Priscilla Presley was firs t involved with Elvis during this period. 3. A look at all the women linked romantically with the President indicates that his taste runs toward women with big hair, preferably brunette (Gennifer Flowers and Hillary weren't blondes yet when he met them), also preferably wearing low-cut dresses or tailored business attire. 4. Priscilla used to be a brunette with big hair, and now tends to wear low-cut dresses or tailored business attire. 5.The President has a steward named *Nelvis*!! Drebin's course is cle ar. He sends his wife up to the White House to apply for work, making sure that she wears something business-like that shows some leg and cleavage. He also makes sure that she "just happens to spill her purse, revealing a photo taken during the early '60s , when her main cause of bad hair days was ceiling fans. Hearing the office staff joke about her hair after she leaves, Clinton will make sure she gets hired. Hilarity ensues when five suitors chase Priscilla around the Oval office in one day: Bill, Patri cia Ireland, Hillary, Ellen DeGeneres and then Bill again. Knowing the inner-workings of his Elvis-like mind, Prisciila uses her womanly wiles to slowly draw information out of the President, and this, coupled with Drebin's homicide experience (something Smart lacks completely) shifts the Foster and Lewinsky investigations into high gear. Of course, since it's Frank Drebin, hilarity ensues, most notably when he subpoenas Mr. Snufflelufagas (after all, he's the former Deputy Chief of Staff) and the entire cast and crew of Sesame St. But eventually The White House of Cards comes tumbling down, and impeachment hearings begin. Of course, the President will need the best representation available, and the nation soon hears these words spoken on the floor of the Senate: "I'm Johnny Cochrane. Now who am I? Johnny Cochrane with his pants down around his ankles."

- Silverback- Cabana Boy For the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Good points, gentlemen, but you completely neglected one important element: the Babe-Factor (tm).

Drebin was bonking Priscilla Presley, but how much did she contribute to his solving cases? Precious little. Smart had 99. While no Dana Scully, she sure beats having OJ as a partner. Plus, she usually more than made up for Smart's shortcomings.

Result: Drebin and Smart take each other hostage and spend 7 months wondering how to come up with one another's ransom demands, while 99 closes the case.

- Aero

No question about this one. Maxwell Smart in one half-hour episode. Why? Agent 99. All Mrs Smart has to do is flirt with the president, as she has with more than one agent of KAOS, while Agent 35 (the CONTROL agent who hides in walls and closets and plumbing and so on) listens in on any incriminating information. The President (who never learns from his mistakes, or, apparently, knows he can get away with anything) tells 99 all she needs to know in hopes of seducing yet another government employee, and she backs out just before any real improprieties can occur.

Drebin has no way to get close to the president, since Priscilla is (in the movies) almost as dumb as he is, whereas 99 was the brains of the Smart family. He might have his assitant Nordberg try to kill smart, but Max has Hymie the CONTROL robot to protect him. Strangling and pruning knives might work on ordinary mortals, but Hymie was used as a crash test dummy after CONTROL shut down, and it didn't hurt him a bit.

Smart will testify before the senate with the true facts of the case.

"Foster was murdered by a conspiracy involving 100 federal agents, would you believe it? 100 agents!"
-Are you sure, Mr Smart?
"Would you believe... 50?"
-No.
"Would you believe two bribed disgruntled postmen?"

The case is closed while Drebin is still trying to win Priscilla Presley back after whatever he did last to upset her. By the time he figures out the case is taken care of, Clinton will be out of office and Gore will be invading Brazil to protect the rain forests.

Every Tennessee president is cool.

- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D. of Tennessee. http://www.sayersnet.com/~dusty/

Drebin decides to camouflage himself in a group on a tour of the White House. While on the tour, he needs to use the restroom. Not one for asking directions nor one for having a clue, Drebin starts opening doors and going through. Needless to say, he somehow ends up in the White House living quarters. After opening more doors, he finds the Clinton Master Restroom. Once on the throne, Drebin becomes bored and scans the bookshelf near the throne. (Doesn’t every bathroom have a bookshelf?) On the shelf, he sees the folder with all the necessary documentation to prove Clinton’s guilt in the Vince Foster case. (Where else but the bathroom would Clinton’s-—or any other red-blooded American’s—-most pressing business be contemplated?)

Drebin races out of the White House and to Janet Reno’s office with the damning information and, of course, his fly open.

- Mark Wentz

Janet Reno will never see the end of this investigation. Every Police Squad episode starts with the announcement of a "Special Guest Star" who ends up dead before getting involved in the plot. Since Maxwell Smart is required for the match, Janet Reno is dead meat. The next day, she is thrown out of an airplane at 20,000 feet with a bullet hole right between her eyes, six knives sticking out of her back and a blood stream that consists of solely arsenic and battery acid. The official cause of death is "golf accident."

Meanwhile at the press conference, in a sign of cooperation Maxwell Smart and Frank Drebin decide to "walk a mile in each other's shoes" and swap footwear. However, in the barrage of news reporters, they both forget the arrangement and Drebin marches off to work with the Shoe Phone(tm). Unfortunately, Frank doesn't have the training to wear telecommunications devices as accessories. By the end of the day, hundreds of unintentional crank calls have struck all over D.C. CONTROL is closed down after the enormous phone bill wipes out their budget for the next fifty years. Traffic comes to a standstill as every pizza delivery person in a fifty square mile area tries to beat the "thirty minutes or it's free" deadline and cause five hundred car pileups. And let's just say that the Pentagon was not amused with the sixteen tons of pork fried rice. Oh, and there is one other notable conversation:

[Jane's new apartment. Frank is cooking in the kitchen. Jane is looking at the food.]
JANE: You are so good to me to cook dinner for my apartment warming party. So what are you making in this pot.
DREBIN: My mother's secret recipe. Let me see if I can find my recipe book. Now where is it. [Reaches around for the cookbook and the shoe phone accidentally dials] Yes here it is, "Drebin Surprise", ...

[Phone picks up.]

BILL: Hello. This is the President. Hello?
DREBIN: ...smells like fish but tastes like chicken. I just can't get enough.
JANE: And you can have all you want whenever you want.
BILL: Monica, is that you?
JANE: [Takes a sausage out of the pot and puts it in her mouth with obvious sucking sounds] Hmm, this is delicious.
DREBIN: Sure, baby, you can taste my sausage any time. You'll like what's inside the best.
BILL: Mmmmmm...
JANE: Mmm. What do you think of my rug?
DREBIN: I like your rug. So thick and lovely. It just feels so good when I put my hands on it.
BILL: OH BABY!
JANE: Mmm. It should... [*CLICK*] ...I just had it installed yesterday. Genuine Persian.
BILL: WHAT!? Monica? MONICA! You can't leave me like this, honey. Where is her new number? Phone book... phone book. Gotta hurry. Concentrate! Ah! Here it is with my important numbers. [Dials and pickup] Hello, Monica. It's me again. Stop playing tricks on me. YOU ARE REALLY TURNING ME ON. You got to keep going with this, honey. It helps me relax after some of my boys have to eliminate some problems, if you know what I mean. [silence] You know like that idiot lawyer and that he-woman.
KENNETH STARR: Ah, we meet again, Mr. President. Dialing for impeachment?
BILL: NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo! [huh, huh, huh] oooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Bill Clinton is impeached and is murdered by Hillary. Maxwell Smart ends up as an Eskimo when he gets lost in the Northwest Territories and discovers he doesn't have the proper foot wear. As his reward, Frank Drebin is appointed as the new Vice-President to Al Gore. He becomes President three days later when Al Gore is declared "Practically Dead" by the Surgeon General.

A hundred years into the future, Bill Clinton's legacy will be summed up in two sentences:
"Why did Bill Clinton become a Democrat? Because Elephants are too hard to sodomize."

- Paul Golba

I simply think that Drebin's ability to accidentally do the right thing make him the man for the job. As you know, as soon as Clinton and his staff hear that two other investigators are on the case, an executive order will be immediately sent down demanding that both Smart and Drebin be investigated. The subsequent media blitzes would clearly consume too much of the 30 minute time limit during which Smart can crack the case. Drebin, being a keen investigator of several long-lasting cases, will definitely outlast the dimwitted Smart. After the media rectal exams given to both our detectives, Drebin will save everyone by stumbling over some shred of yet unfound evidence in Fort Marcy Park or possibly find it lying on a table in the White House library (obviously obscured from view by a stack of illegally-obtained FBI files). When all is said and done, Drebin, with the help of commentator turned crime fighter George Will, will escort the real criminal, Sam Donaldson, off to jail. We could only hope that nobody attempts to eat any take out from Wong Woo's.

- Jim Sanford

Frank Drebin is so overmatched it would take a miracle larger than OJ's acquittal for him to win, but let us look at the facts.....

I. Experience
Frank Drebin has only ever fought criminals and international terrorists. Next to the US Government, these two forces look like the Boy Scouts. Not to mention the fact the Drebin could only keep the public's interest for a handful of TV episodes and 3 movies. Smart lasted for 6 seasons, two movies, and a second incarnation of his first show.

II. Information Gathering
Once again, Maxwell Smart has the inside track from the start. First of all, as a Control agent, he has free access to all the top secret files. One must also remember that Max has Agent 99 on his side. With a few kind words from her, Clinton will be leaking information like a bad faucet.

III. Gadgets
Unfortuneatly for Frank Drebin, the best his Police Squad co-workers can muster up is cheap imitations to those availabile to Maxwell Smart, like the Swiss Army Shoe and tranquilizer cufflinks. Smart has more devices in his apartment.

IV. Characters Spoofed
Finally, we come to one of the most important catagories. Maxwell Smart is a spoof of the greatest spy to ever hit the movie theathers, James Bond 007. At his best, Frank Drebin is copy of a spoof. While he does represent the most modern spoofed character of police officers, there can be little doubt that he is, at best, a cheap copy of Inspector Jaques Clouseau.

If these two were trying to stop international terrorists, it would be a much more even match, but lets face it. Who is better to go after a government agency than a government agent?

- Robert Oates - Control Agent

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Kenneth Starr v. Bill Clinton (on Judge Judy)
OJ Simpson on The People's Court
Scooby-Doo v. X-Files

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