December 29th, 1996, Nike Stadium (tm), Irving, TX. The Barry Switzer led Dallas Cowboys have just lost to the Jimmy Johnson lead Miami Dolphins 44-3, leaving the Dolphins with home-field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs and leaving The Boys (tm) with the first winless season since the 1976 Tampa Bay Yucanners (tm). After the game, Jerry Jones (who did NOT go down to the sidelines during the game) marches into the visitor's locker room followed by an entourage of lawyers and Nike (tm) executives. After being accosted by Bryan Cox, Jones finds his way to Johnson, who's crisp coiff is still repelling the champagne with Sheeting Action (tm). In a fit of insane rage Jones yells "You think you're a great coach! You're nothing! 500 other people could coach this Dolphins team! 1000 other people could coach My Boys (tm)! In fact, I'm getting Rich Kotite in here tomorrow for an interview! We'll be back!" Johnson stands and looks at him with a sympathetic grin. "You think you're so hot, Jerry! You and your ego have destroyed this team that I built! And now that's all you have left -- your ego!" Jones replies, "And that is all I will ever need..."
As the two men stand there, facing each other, the showdown begins. Jerry Jones, in a last ditch attempt to save face after the fiasco that has been the mid-90s, attempts to mess Jimmy Johnson's hair by using nothing but his ego. What gives first, Steve?
STEVE: The physical conundrum that has baffled scientists since the days of Newton (that's Isaac, not Nate) will finally be solved here today. We have seen time and time again that Jerry's ego is unstoppable. It is further enhanced by his entourage of lawyers who will legally back up anything he says. Jerry's ego has the force of over 300 million dollars behind it, and that is quite something. Finally, Jerry has the Texas "I'm big and bad" attitude, which further enlarges his ego to astronomical proportions.
Jimmy Johnson's hair does seem to be impenetrable however. Madden has pointed out many times with a yellow circle around Jimmy's head that his hair will simply refuse to move, even under a Niagara Falls of Gatorade (tm). However, I think that Jimmy's hair is going to lose this one. First of all, both Jerry and Jimmy are getting old. This means that Jimmy's hair is becoming sparse and brittle, and hence more vulnerable to movement. On the other hand, with age, Jerry will simply get more ornery, and his ego will grow at an amazing rate. Second, Jerry's lawyers will point out some obscure case which says that Jimmy's hair is legally required to move under Texas State Law (tm). I believe that it will give in and do so. Chalk one up for the Irresistable Force (tm).
BRIAN: But you overlook the two most important aspects of this battle, Steve: control and experience. First, control. Due to various chemical and heating processes, Jimmy Johnson has complete control over his hair. Considering the media circus a Jimmy/Jerry rematch game such as this Boyz (tm)/ Finz (tm) game would most certainly be, you can guarantee that Jimmy will have his head at it's hardest. Jerry, however, has much less control over his ego. It's a wildcard. I liken it to Jeannie's Magic (tm). When he is involved with negotiations and is trying to look good on television, he is unstoppable. But at a time like this, when emotions are high, he will be wild. I suspect he might have the power to move Jimmy's hair, but he will miss badly, being able only to do the The Unthinkable Act (tm): make Nate Newton put down his sandwich.
Second, experience. Jerry's used to dealing with emotions, finances, lawyers, media, etc. He has never before attempted to move an object with his ego. And Jimmy's hair is not something you want to be starting out with. If Jerry had started out by floating oranges or bending spoons, etc, he might have a shot. But to start out with Jimmy's hair is just Too Tall (tm) a task. Jimmy, however, has years of experience with egos. First, his players at the University of Miami. 'Nuff said. Second, he had to deal with Jerry for 5 years! I don't think Jerry will be able to pull any stunts Jimmy hasn't already seen. And, finally, and most convincing, has been the past two years with Jimmy's work at Fox (tm). He has had severe hard-core ego-exposure training by being forced to work with Terry Bradshaw. You have to admit that Terry and Jerry are of the same caliber of ego. After two years of dealing with Terry on Fox analysis and those annoying Dick's (tm) commercials, Jimmy can take on anything. The Object (tm) will not be moved.
STEVE: You say that Jerry won't be able to "pull any stunts that Jimmy hasn't already seen." That may be true with the old Jerry, but not the new & improved one. If you remember, there was never this Media Circus (tm) surrounding Jerry until after Jimmy left the team. Since Jimmy's departure, Jerry has become a new power hungry demon, unable to control his appetite for money, fame, and self-image. When they meet in this scenario, Jimmy won't even recognize his former boss. His hair may even be scared into moving.
Finally, I want to remind you of a certain incident, during the victory party following Dallas's 1994 Superbowl victory. Some of the team members were in fact joking about Jimmy's impregnable hair. In a moment of bravery, one member went up to Jimmy and mussed it up! It moves! Hallelujah!
BRIAN: Sigh. Why do I even bother in these discussions if you don't ever listen to me? One of my main points has been the control Jimmy has over his hair. The isolated incident you refer to was at a time when he was relaxed and fooling around, and, ergo, he ALLOWED his hair to be moved. And besides if we allow that hair to be in this match, than it obviously isn't an Immovable Object (tm). Therefore, your little story is irrelevant. In this scenario, his hair IS an Immovable Object (tm) due to his desire and heavy hair doping.
Second, to suggest Jerry's ego has gotten any bigger since Jimmy left is foolish. His ego peaked when they were winning (or were favored to win). That ended on a crisp November afternoon in soon-to-be 3-Com Park (tm) last year. You are correct when you say that he has become more crazed and more power & attention hungry, but his ego has not grown. He has just gotten a lot more insane, which will only lead to HIS lack of control in this match-up. Jerry will be so crazed in this face-off he couldn't psychokineticize the broad side of a barn. Jerry concedes after he explodes Emmitt's and Deion's heads Scanner's style (tm).
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I ran a head to head game through the "PSYCHIC 8-Ball of the 90s"(tm) in hopes of granting me the divine outcome. The game ran as expected, low scoring and dozens of missed field goals, then suddenly an unexpected phenomenon occurred. The Joneses were getting lit up and removed from the game field at an alarming rate. At first I thought it was a ploy for more TV time outs and additional Nike (tm) ad air-time. The "Monty Burnses of the Football Realm" (tm) were being carted away like it was the black plague. But then the computer automatically substituted the removed players with fresh new Deions! Needless to say, the Joneses/Deions failed to make another defensive tackle, and the Johnsons ran up the score.
The study was systematically repeated and I have concluded that hair gel selection has no significant impact on the results.
- tmogi (tm)
A Cowboys fan who's missing Jimmy,
- Jeff Doar
- Joel Recht
That's how it happened or something.
We all know that egos are just hot air. Jerry's ego is no exception.
Something must contain all that hot air, and we would call that thing the brain. Like a balloon being filled with hot air, the brain must expand to hold all that hot air.
Also like a balloon the lining of the brain just gets thinner and thinner as more hot air is blown in. Sooner or later it just can't hold anymore and must explode!
Now then, you might ask why hasn't Jerry's head exploded already? It's not like Jerry has that much grey matter to hold all his hot air. Afterall, as Brian said, "His ego peaked when they were winning (or were favored to win). That ended on a crisp November afternoon in soon-to-be 3-Com Park (tm) last year." Shouldn't it have exploded then?
This brings up Jerry's hunger for power. That hunger can do some destructive things. It just knaws away at the weakest spots of the human body. There's just no stopping this demon once someone has the "bug".
So while other people may have this bug in the stomach, which seems to be a delicate spot in the body thus causing ulcers and the like, Jerry's weakest spot, unfortunately, is his brain.
In conclusion, while Jerry's ego has not been expanding, his hunger for power has been making his brain lining thinner and thinner. Sooner or later Jerry's brain must explode and causing death to him and anything in a radius of seven miles.
Could Jimmy's hair be the lone survivor of the Jerry-Bomb? Further research must be done with the Terry-Bomb.
- Michael Yee, UC-Davis
Jimmy Johnson's eventual downfall to the blustery Jerry Jones' ego began when the Fox (tm) network obtained rights to televise the '96 game. As the teams make their way to the stadium, Jimmy mistakenly makes his way into the broadcast booth and immediately gets caught up in the interminable Fox pregame schtick with his old buddies Terry, Howie, and James. Unaware that the TV audience is bored to death with the forced antics, the four continue the routine until Jimmy forgets that he ever left the broadcast booth. He is determined to stick around for off air antics and half-time and post-game reviews.
In the meanwhile, the Dolphins frantically search for their AWOL coach, to no avail. They resort to calling a retired DON SHULA who proceeds to coach the first half via the internet until the Dolphins can whisk him to the stadium at half-time. Don's brain is slack after a year away from the game and he believes he is once again coaching the '72 - '74 Dolphins. He continually sends in one play, Czonka up the middle. Dan Marino calls his own game and repeatedly burns a hot-dogging Deion for 600+ passing yards and the 44 points.
As the game ends, Jimmy comes out of his broadcasting daze and hustles to the locker room to take due credit for the lopsided victory. As the Jerry and Jimmy showdown proceeds, Nike lawyers and executives burst in with the startling truth, which they brutally uncovered from an uncooperative Terry. Jerry's ego grows 3 sizes that day with the knowledge (if not quite accurate) that he was in fact NOT defeated by a Jimmy Johnson coached team. The truth is now exposed to a national audience and Jimmy immediately spins into damage control mode. He whirs around from reporter to reporter with such animation that he actually disturbs his own hair! Jerry takes the opportunity to point out that he has won yet another battle which further justifies his existence. Nike lawyers and executives immediately spin this into a great victory for Jerry (and Deion).
The Dolphins forgive Jimmy, who proceeds to lead his team to the first AFC Superbowl victory in recent memory. Nike prepares a DisneyWorld trip for Jerry and Deion which coincides with the victorious Dolphins' visit. Another showdown ensues which we will not delve into at this time (this one involves two egos, and surprisingly, no Dolphins). In the meanwhile, the public buys more Nike.
- Dr. Joe
As some of us remember from broadcasts during previous No Fun League (c), (r), and (tm) seasons, brains can be stolen. In the previous case, it was Troy Aikmans brain, but Jerry Jones should be easier as he is not a physically fit, finely tuned athelete. And who, might you say, is capable of stealing brains? Why, as we all should recall, Jimmy Johnson!!! Last time it was brain stealing (tm) for a video game, this time it is brain stealing (tm) for all the marbles. Jerry's marbles, to be precise.
- Jose C. Cabanillas
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