A band of knights crests a grassy ridge. Their armor clanks as they skip along, with lackeys following close behind clapping coconut shells together. Soon the sounds of a quarrel can be heard.

"But my liege, how was I to know that was not the true Holy Grail?"

"Made of plastic, Sir Bedivere? With a Medieval Times logo?" King Arthur tosses it aside, beaning his squire Patsy. "Now we must start our quest all over again."

There is a sudden rumble all around them. The ground cracks, and flame rises from the crevice. As fast as it takes brave Sir Robin to soil his armor, a robed figure with a long white beard emerges.

"Merlin!" Arthur exclaims. "At last, you have returned to aid us in our blessed quest!"

"Who, me? No, I'm just practicing my dramatic entrances. I'm headlining in Las Vegas starting next week; taking over for Siegfried and Roy. But don't worry, Arthur my boy, I won't leave you without a wizard to aid you."

"Not Tim the Enchanter again?" Lancelot says.

"Of course not. You're here, aren't you? Work it out." Lancelot scratches his head, but Merlin pays no mind. "No, I've called in some favors with a couple of distant cousins of mine, all the way from Hogwarts and Middle-Earth. Pick whichever one you like, but only one. They don't get on well together. And now, I'm off to Camelot. The one in Vegas, that is."

Another flash, and Merlin is gone. In his place are two other elderly men in flowing robes and long white beards.

"Well, I certainly see the family resemblance," says Sir Galahad. "But how shall we pick which one shall join us?"

Sir Bedivere pipes up. "Well, if we were to place them in a giant scale, each with a duck ..."

King Arthur smites Bedivere with the hilt of Excalibur. "There is but one fit way to make this judgment in Dark Ages England: the trial by combat! The winner shall lead our quest. So says Arthur, King of the Britons!"

So, Steve, which wise, wizened, wonderful wizard will whip which?

STEVE: Although both of these wizards are legendary in their own worlds, Dumbledore will clearly be the victor in this battle. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, he is the most famed & powerful wizard in a whole land of wizards. When you're pretty much the only fish in the pond, like Gandalf, anything might seem impressive to the regular Joes. (Case in point: The aforementioned "Tim".) But in a world of wizards, being proclaimed the head honcho is truly saying something. He's the big fish, the alpha male. Everyone watches out for Dumbledore.

Second, judging by his actions, Dumbledore is obviously into some pretty big stuff, which we can really only guess at. Let it suffice to say that when the evilest, nastiest, most powerful wizard (who shall not be named) his world has ever seen is sneaking around Hogwarts, Dumbledore seems busy elsewhere with "important" matters. If he-who-shall-not-be-named is not even worthy of any of Dumbledore's attention, then obviously Dumbledore's power is immense indeed.

Now while Dumbledore is busy with his truly important matters, where is Gandalf? He's busy with his "important" tasks, such as lighting off fireworks for hobbits, or blowing animated smoke rings with his pipe. Sure, he can manage to get his withered old self out of his easy chair once in a while, but even then he's pretty useless. For example, he pays his old master Saruman a visit, and shows his inadequacy twice: First, he doesn't even recognize Saruman's obvious evil transformation. Second, he proceeds to get thoroughly whipped. These feats don't exactly inspire confidence in him.

Really, I can't help but think that perhaps Gandalf would be more of an opponent if he attended Hogwarts himself.

SHANE: Sorry, but Gandalf declines your offer, as he's the one who will be schooling Dumbledore.

First, do you really believe that the most powerful wizard in the world would be rewarded by being made a school headmaster? Does that title really scream "alpha male"? To me, it screams "superannuated duffer of marginal competence getting kicked upstairs." Yes, all the other wizards like him, so they give him a cushy job without much real power. It's obvious that Mrs. McGonagall wields all the disciplinary power at Hogwarts. As for never noticing the encroachments of Lord You-Know-Who, that's not a sign of disdainful strength, it's a sign of cluelessness. If he's such a great wizard, why can't he tell he's about to eat an earwax-flavored jelly bean - and then why doesn't he spit it out? Cluelessness.

Compare that to Gandalf, who moves in a world of ancient and terrible powers, and is equal to them all. Sure, Saruman beat him at first, but villains always prosper at first. Gandalf ends up laying him low in humiliating fashion, which I won't give away for people who haven't read the book or seen the second movie. (Hint: Al Gore would be proud.) Then there's the Balrog: a hundred-foot fiery demon with horns bigger than your car, and Gandalf dispatches it like it was Wile E. Coyote. Sure, it drags Gandalf into a bottomless pit in its death throes, but he just comes back stronger, more powerful, even younger-looking! (Oops, sorry. Spoiler above.) When you can turn horrible doom into your own personal trainer, that is power.

Dumbledore will be lucky not to get cast into an active volcano once this brief fight is over.

STEVE: Oooh, I'm so scared of Balrog. The best this so-called demon can muster is a whip, and he hangs out with smelly goblins in a cave. Honestly, I'm not really impressed. Sure he's big and all, but we all know how that particular quality leads to one's downfall (Goliath, etc.) It was inevitable he had to lose. Good ol' Tim the Enchanter could have handled him. Really, Harry Potter himself has handled tougher things than Balrog, and he's just a kid. A kid at wizard school where Dumbledore is boss. You do the math.

Really, Gandalf only succeeds because he gets tremendously lucky once in a while. Not due to any skill as far as I can tell. Saved by eagles from atop a burning tree at the last minute (The Hobbit). Nearly done in by three lowly trolls. Lucky, yes. Great wizard? No. Besides that, he wears white after Labor Day. Tsk tsk.

It's clear that Dumbledore would make quick work of Gandalf. For that matter, I'd pick just about any wizard over Gandalf. Tim, Merlin, Allanon, The Wicked Witch of the West, hell, even that geeky boy wizard wanna-be from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. And that ain't saying much.

SHANE: Bringing up the best-forgotten D&D cartoon won't win you this geek-off, Steve, not when you make such fundamental errors elsewhere. First, they're smelly orcs, not smelly goblins. Second, Gandalf wore grey: hence the title Gandalf the Grey. (Duh.) Third, Middle-Earth is pre-industrial, hence not unionized, meaning it doesn't have a Labor Day.

Also, it's not luck when Gandalf gets saved by eagles. It happened again in LOTR, and in the movie we see that he communicates with a butterfly to summon the eagle. That implies a profound communion with the animal kingdom, meaning he's got a lot of weapons to use against Dumbledore. Imagine swarms of ants up the robe, dive-bombing swallows, files of ravening chipmunks, and finally a couple billion gnats to carry Dumbledore away in a ludicrous scene perfectly suited to the onlooking Monty Python troupe.

All this is assuming that Gandalf doesn't distract Dumbledore completely from the contest by giving him his heart's fondest wish, as he admitted to young Harry. That's right: a new pair of socks. As Dumbledore dodders away in blissfully undemanding satisfaction, Gandalf can get to work leading this new quest. "One grail to rule them all", or something like that.

Thanks to the many people that suggested this match.

The Results

Gandalf (3581 - 77.7%)

zots

Dumbledore (1026 - 22.3%)

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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

I was about to go into Geek-Off Mode (TM) by pointing out the inaccuracies surrounding the debate on Gandalf's wardrobe, when I was subsumed by Sneaky Lawyer Mode (TM - on pain of multiple lawsuits). The challenge is clearly stated to be between Dumbledore and Gandalf the GREY. When Gandalf reappears in The Two Towers (Book III of VI) he makes it clear that he is now Gandalf the WHITE. So we have to judge him on his merits and abilities up to the point where he falls into the chasm -- i.e. before he does some of his more impressive feats, so this is a blow to his campaign.

Then I was struck by Super Pursuit Mode ... no, I mean Medieval Scientific Enlightenment. The battle is occurring in the Monty Python universe, and thus subject to the peculiar natural laws found therein. The match will be decided according to the most surreal and humorous possible result.

Thus the Silly English K-Niggets will intervene. They all experienced the trauma that is English boarding school (except possibly the American illustrator, who died of a heart attack anyway), and likely still wet their beds as a result. They'll be in no mood to be bullied about once more by a stuffy, ancient headmaster. Bedivere will distract Dumbledore with a large wooden peacock, while Galahad and Lancelot knock him over the head with some trout left over from their fish slapping dance. Robin and Arthur will tie him in a bag and throw him into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. But Dumbledore will be cast back onto the path (a path! a path!) because he was unconscious and therefore unable to answer the five questions (three questions). Seems strange, but if you don't answer the questions you have to be catapulted SOMEwhere. His landing knocks the knights down like bowling pins and into the pit themselves. Being conscious, they collaborate and are able to answer the five questions (three questions) leaving a confused Dumbledore and Gandalf on a narrow cliff path wondering what to do. Eventually they get together with the Bridge Keeper from scene 27 and go looking for the three Weird Sisters they keep hearing so much about from MacBeth.

- Joel the Gosarian

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Seven little wizards,
Skilled at magic tricks;
Tim was soon declared inept,
And then there were six.

Six little wizards,
Fighting to survive;
Toto pulled the curtain back,
And then there were five.

Five little wizards,
Merlin is no more:
He tried to cheat the Vegas mob,
And then there were four.

Four little wizards,
Zapping for a fee;
Klingsor sang himself to death,
And then there were three.

Three little wizards,
Papa Smurf is through:
Brainy had a killing spree,
And then there were two.

Two little wizards,
Where we had begun;
Dumbie's actor passed away,
And then there was one.

One little wizard,
Looking gaunt and grim;
"Since worthy Dumbledore is dead,
I am the winner," Gandalf said.
But then a rabbit ate his head,
So Arthur stuck with Tim.

- Captain Corcoran

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

I checked out IMBD for this one because I've never seen either of these two in anything other than Harry Potter movies and "X-Men". (I found out later, of course, that I was wrong about this.) What I found was quite surprising. Put together, Richard Harris (R.I.P.) and Ian McKellen have enough experience playing leaders of major countries to run any country they like!

Harris:
"Camelot", 1967 (King Arthur)
"Cromwell", 1970 (Oliver Cromwell)
"Robin and Marian", 1976 (King Richard the Lionhearted (or if you prefer, the First))
"Camelot(TV version)", 1982 (King Arthur)
"King of the Wind", 1989 (King George II)
"Gladiator", 2000 (Emperor Marcus Aurelius)

McKellen:
"The Tragedy of King Richard II", 1970 (TV)(Richard II)
"Edward II", 1970 (TV)(Edward II)
"Countdown to War", 1989 (TV)(Hitler)
"Richard III", 1995 (Richard, Duke of Gloucester, later Richard III)
"Rasputin", 1996 (TV)(Tsar Nicholas II)
"William Shakespeare", 2000 (archive footage)(Richard III)

So who wins? Dumbledore, and I'll tell you why. First of all, McKellen played Hitler, who was a very very bad man. Secondly, Harris is King Arthur! He's the one who's going to make the decision between Gandalf and himself! Do you think he's going to pick Gandalf? Neither do I.

At the end of this match, Dumbledore will be leading the knights of Camelot (whom he's been in charge of the whole time) to find the Grail, while Gandalf lies on the ground, muttering something about the wizarding duel being fixed.

- Scotty J.-I don't mean to be pushy, but this should get me a Grudgie. I just did more research on this fight than I did in COLLEGE!

Gotta give this one to Gandalf. As was pointed out, I'll pick the guy who goes out and does over the guy who stays home and bosses the teachers around any day.

Even ignoring this, however, it is clear that Gandalf is the baddest wizard this side of Mordor. True, in Fellowship of the Ring he is defeated by Saruman, this is no more than the traditional beating given by the villain to the hero - remember the three books (and therefore the movies) are really one, just divided up for convinience. As we know, Gandalf comes back and breaks Saruman's staff - lowering him to the point that a sniveling fool like Grima can defeat him. He also stands up to the Mouth of Sauron. What's the worst Dumbledore has put up with? Magic spitballs?

Furthermore, Gandalf is to wizards as Connery is to James Bonds - Connery won better than 2:1 against FOUR copycats (although, and this may border heresy, I think they could have done some interesting things with Lazenby after On Her Majesty's Secret Service), and Gandalf the Grey will fare far better against one doddering old principal.

- James

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee

Gandalf can actually battle the forces of evil without using a 12- year-old AND has sager advice.

That, and Dumbeldore has a slight disadvantage, seeing as he's kind of dead.

- The Blue ONe

1) In Tolkien, orcs and goblins are the same thing.
2) Gandalf wore white (hence: Gandalf the White) post-resurrection.
3) Even if they didn't CELEBRATE Labor Day, the day still existed. And he wore white after it. Loser.

Yes, Gandalf will probably win due to all the Tolkien fans out there. But Dumbledore is the better wizard.

- Thought Police

But let's compare their accomplishments to date. Not movie accomplishments, because they suck. No, I've read the Harry Potter books and memorized the Lord of the Rings. Let's do this by the text.

And if you haven't read the books, page down a few times might be good about now.

First Book
Dumbledore managed to set a little kid in front of somebody's door without dropping him.
Gandalf discovered the origin of the most evil and powerful object in the history of anything, started a quest to destroyed it, and killed a demon of heinous and untold power.

Second Book
Dumbledore went away on business just when he could actually be useful.
Gandalf came back from the dead, mustered an army of walking trees, made the head of the Order of Wizards look like a little sissyboy, and generally kicked ass.

Third Book
Dumbledore aided the escape of a convicted criminal.
Gandalf fended off the Dark Lord's most powerful lieutenant at the doors of the greatest city on (Middle-)Earth. He saved the life of the heir to the Stewardship of the biggest damned kingdom ever, assembled a vast army which marched on the Dark Lord himself, and managed to hold off the largest army in the history of anything by standing on a hill virtually by himself long enough for the Dark Lord to cork off.

Fourth Book
Dumbledore had a lieutenant and servant of evil right in front of him for a year. It took him that long to notice, even though the dude was in the guise of his best friend.
We don't know what Gandalf was up to. But even sipping pina coladas at the country club would be more impressive than THAT.

Gandalf wins, hands (and staves) down.

- Benjamin Mithrandir...I mean, Massey

But therein lies the problem. Think about it. We see Gandalf save the butts of LOTR's heroes again and again. The dude even falls to what surely most be a most painful end in Fellowship but comes BACK to make sure the heroes don't screw up AGAIN. He's always there when they need him most, giving encouragement, fighting battles, casting spells. Without him Middle Earth would have been lost for sure. Gandalf the Grey proves he's worth his reputation time and again.

Now take a look at Dumbledore. Seems like he's always doing good AFTER it happened. Sure he gave Hagrid a job at Hogwarts, but he didn't do anything about Hagrid being tossed out of school and his wand broken. He friggin' leaves the school in Sorcerer's Stone when he KNEW Volde..er, You-know-who is in the forest and the stone itself was within Hogwarts. Sure he gave Harry a home, but if he could have killed ole' Volde (as they say he could) why didn't he do it BEFORE Volde killed Harry's parents? And on top of that, why did he give Harry to his horrible aunt and uncle? I mean, come on, that was worse than Obi-Wan giving Luke to Owen!! This old dude does nothing to warrant his reputation. Shows up afterwards and takes all the credit. We don't even see him teaching any classes! Four books now and all this guy does is show up at the end to say a few words.

If I was facing down a bad bunch of orcs and an evil rogue wizard, I want Gandalf the Grey on my side.

- Wiseman

- Cardinal Fang

The teaser for this match is "poof".

Remember what "poof" means in British slang.

Gandalf is played by Ian McKellan, whose, erm... preferences are not something he is ashamed about.

Obviously, the teaser has just named the winner.

- Oxymoron ("Mistake me not for a maven of dumb jokes, Iron Fist!")

Gandalf: One moment you think he's dead, then he's back - He could easily be the old man (I'm not dead! I feel fine, I feel happyyy...) or he could be the man the witch turned into a newt (I got better). Adaptability is here.

Dumbledore: He runs a bizarre school where the students compete for the house cup and they play a bizarre game called quidditch. This reminded me of Monty Python and the Meaning of Life, during the episode of Sexual Education through the point where the boys play against the masters, one of the all time greatest Monty Python sketches. They have stairs in the school that do whatever they want, but one of the most important things of all, one of the ghosts of the school is from the Python troop! Given that an exception is made for Harry to play quidditch, it is likely that Dumbledore would use every advantage he had, something the Python boys would applaud.

Let's face it, it's for Gandalf's own good. If he were to search for the Holy Grail with Arthur and the gang, he'd eventually be so boring that they'd have to trap him in the Castle Anthrax to liven him up. Dumbledore would probably suggest forgetting the grail just to go to the Castle Anthrax. I ask you, which would you rather see?

- Pareeha

YOU NEVER SEE DUMBLEDORE OR GANDALF TOGETHER!

No, consider, after all, Dr. Who is in fact Merlin (you didn't know that? Bloody hell, where were you when the telly was good?) and at the end of Lord of the Rings, Gandalf sails away in a ship. How does one arrive at Hogwarts for the first time? By water. Could it be that he had found new employment elsewhere? As perhaps a teacher at Hogwarts?

Ah, I hear you cry, but then how can they both appear at the same time to assist King Arthur?

Well, read the above about Merlin/Dr. Who and all will be revealed.

- Ss'hLeer da dragon

- Don "King" Milliken

Dumbledore: For avoiding the fatal error of tying his life force and powers of domination to a ring that can be destroyed in Mount Doom, I award the House of Elrond... seven hundred gazillion points.

Sauron [observing through the Palantír]: What the fuck!? ...what the hell did we just kill all of their quidditch players for!?

- Mike Leung

- Jonny P Kash

Dumlbedore: Could you let me get my wand? I seem to have left it over there.
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!
Dumbledore: No need to yell. Here, fight Harry for a while. I have a meeting to attend... at the... somewhere else...
Harry: Beware... I've defeated Voldemort three times.
(elsewhere, Voldemort has become the Balrog's indentured servant)
Gandalf: You're not even worth using magic on. (Hits him over the head with his staff)
Dumbledore: Wait, you're not supposed to do that! (begins mumbling spells)
Gandalf: Shut up! (Points staff, kills Dumbledore)

- the pulsating brain

Wizards are perfectly capable of getting into lethal disagreements on their own, rigging a match was a grand mistake.

Quoth the mighty Mr. T, "I pity the crazy-*** fool who tries to butt into wizards' business!"

My condolences to the loved ones of the soon-to-be-former commentators, hate mail containing curses, hexes, and live manticores always creates such gruesome results.

- Eric Schori

Gandalf's staff is a HELL of a lot bigger than Dumbledore's wand.

- Sigmund Freud

Now, I don't know much about Harry Potter (having never read the books), I do know that nobody ever talked about hurling Dumbledore through barriers to break them down. Thus, in the arena of ultimate dorkiness, it is clear that Gandalf is really useless.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

It's who has the bigger stick.

Nothing else comes CLOSE to the stick factor. If you look at the wizards' respective movies, you can see it holds true. Gandalf got his butt handed to him by Saruman. Why? Saruman has a BIGGER STICK. It's also POINTY, so he gets extra points.

Harry Potter gets beaten down by Tom Marvolo Riddle for a long while. Why? Because Riddle took his stick away! The only way Harry TRIUMPHED over Voldemort was that he pulled something out of a hat. What did he grab at the last second? That's right, A BIG, SHINY, POINTY STICK! How long was it? 2.5, 3 feet? Compared to a WAND, which is only a couple inches long...Tom didn't stand a chance!

Gandalf got a new SHINY, 6-FOOT, MAGICAL STICK OF WHOOPASS.
Dumbledore's got a magic twig.

Looking at their respective sticks, the only way Dumbledore can win this match is if he can find the stick that's stuck up Snape's...erm...Dumbledore can't win this match.

- The Mad Josher

Things that have, in movies, kicked Ian McKellen's ass: Capt. Picard, mustard gas/stroke, Henry VII and a big flippin' army, a drag-king cowboy...and...yeah, that's about it.

Look, Harris was a good actor and all, but he had worse sense of taste than a noseless, tongue-less dog. With the flu. And on top of that, he'd get his ass handed to him in said crappy movies. If you're gonna be in crappy movies, you should at least win in the end.

- Chantilly the Chartreuse!

Why beards? you ask- because all wizards have beards. Therefore, it is where they hide their power.

Gandalf specialises in fire.

Gandalf wins, Dumbledore's beard is singed badly.

- StarWarsJihad-Nutria-Berserker

A fireball? A lightning bolt? A +3 Ray of Frost (TM c/o D&D 3rd Ed.)?

No. Rather, a simple ray of red light with the distinct outline of a panther's head in the center. Accompanying it, as if on cue, comes a bloodcurdling cry from across the horizon:

"THUNDER! THUNDER! THUNDERCATS, HOOOOOOO!"

Instantly, Liono, Panthro, Tigra, and the rest spring on the scene and proceed to tear Dumbledore asunder. The cloven halves of the former head of Hogwarts fall to the ground as Sir Robin proceeds to soil his armor a second time. Gandalf winks to the party and proceeds to lead them on their way.

So, how did Gandalf manage to summon this band of Thunderians?

Well, if you recall, one of the first (and still the best) animated version of "The Hobbit" was produced by Rankin-Bass Studios, the SAME animation company that produced the Thundercats cartoon. That's right, Gandalf has some old friends from around the office water cooler, ready to help him in a pinch.

Besides, they're doubtlessly still pissed about losing to He-Man and company by TWO FRICKIN' VOTES.

- RoboGoober98

On a side note: Please don't ever do a LotR vs. SW match. I like what's left of my sanity, thank you.

- 005, International Nerd of Mystery

- KoD (not the fish)

Like many millions of Americans, I cannot do funky special effects with my instincts. Whatever talents I have involves my brain and my hands, not my "chi" or "mana" or "mutant genes." In short, I am a Muggle (TM by Rowling). Y'know, an 0-level NPC(TM by TSR), a Regular Joe (Public Domain), an Everyman (TM).

In the Harry Potter series, Most Muggles depicted as ignorant, bigoted, selfish cariatures, which is a mean stereotype in my opinion. I will never forget the bus driver's negative remark regarding Muggles in The Prisoner of Azkaban(sp). How rude! Well EX-CUSSSE ME for not having a sixth sense!

In the Rings Trilogy, by contrast, Muggles, or in this case Hobbits (Let's face it, the one character race less grand than humans!), are treated with respect. The Hobbits, those Muggle-like creatures with no special abilities, get to become part of the Fellowship!

I'm rooting for the Home Team here. Or in this case, the patron of the Home Team - Gandalf the Grey.

- Katrover Swatroad

So who *does* end up babysitting? Dumbledore, if he can recover from getting smeared across several acres of English countryside. The fight lasts all of thirty seconds, each one of which seems very, very long to Headmaster Albus.

Why? Because Gandalf is a minor *god*. A minor *god*. Make no mistake, Albus Dumbledore is a mighty wizard. But minor god trumps major wizard every time.

Want me to break it down? Okay.

Hand-to-hand: Dumbledore is an old man with a wand. Gandalf *looks* old, but he's actually eternal. After all, he's a minor god. When the combat starts, he picks up his staff and starts kicking ass beside the young bucks he travels with. Oh, wait. Excuse me. He uses the staff in *one* hand. He has GLAMDRING in the other.

If Gandalf gets close, the fight is already over. Dumbledore probably knows this. He wants to keep Gandalf at a distance, so that means magic.

Now, we have no idea of the extent of either wizard's destructive power. We can probably assume that Gandalf's is greater, because he's a MINOR GOD. On the other hand, sheer force probably never comes into play. We've seen how wizards fight in both worlds, and Gandalf has the Quick Draw advantage here. While Dumbledore is busy pointing his wand and shouting his magic words, Gandalf swings his staff and knocks him on his ass from across the field.

Just to cap it off, let's take a look at past opponents:

Dumbledore: Voldemort. That's it. Just the Sauron wannabe. Move along. Nothing more to see here.

Gandalf: Saruman (lost the first round, but comes back and wins with a TKO), the Balrog, all nine Ringwraiths (okay, he was tag-teaming with Elrond on this one), DEATH

Gandalf returns to Middle Earth, eager to deal with someone more intelligent--like trolls--while Dumbledore remains, cleaning Sir Robin's armor and trying to keep the rest of them from hurting themselves.

- Matt

So Gandalf would destroy Dumbledore without even breaking a sweat, except for the (un)timely appearance of the most powerful wizard in existence. Yes, that's right...Rincewind!

However his first response on seeing a band of armed knights, even ones like Sir Bedivere, would be to run. Direction doesn't matter just speed. And since he is always closely followed by his luggage (THE luggage), most of the knights and the one remaining wizard would either be swallowed or trampled by hundreds of tiny legs. Technically though Gandalf still wins.

One final thought: the only reason Gandalf lost the fight with Saruman is because Saruman was being played by Christopher Lee AKA Darth Tyranus & Sir Lucas De Beau Manoir (Grand Master of the Holy Order of the Knights Templar). This is the man who trashed Obi-Wan AND Anakin AND Yoda. It is a testament to Gandalf's magical prowess that he even survived the fight.

- Aux. Priest

"If you can't do, teach, if you can't teach, administrate."

I think your man fits this perfectly. If he was great and mighty he would be out doing something instead of moldering away at some children's school in England. Not only is he only an administrator, it's not even a school for the upper forms. He administrates little kids! He obviously doesn't get paid very well if he can't even afford new socks.

Second, and most important, let's look at the mission. To retrieve the Holy Grail(c). What makes it holy, why it comes from God of course. To quote Gandalf when someone asked him his name, "...in the west I was Olorin, but that is forgotten.". And who is Olorin? He was the wisest of the Maiar, the angels of Middle Earth. Now who would be better acquainted with the quest for the Grail(c) than an angel? Gandalf has probably already been training for this while Dumbledore was at his junior academy wishing for a new pair of socks.
He may have even been sent specifically to help Arthur and the knights find the Grail(c) since they obviously can't do it on their own. If he was sent then he would have been fully informed of poor Dumbledore's shortcomings. Just imagine the conversation:

God "*"_{(I said imagine, I'm not going to tell you what He said)}
Gandalf "Yes, Sir"
God "*"
Gandalf "Of course, Sir"
God "*"
Gandalf "I'll stop groveling, Sir"

Gandalf might not even have to fight, he could just tell Dumbledore , "You're good, I'm an angel, go away." Anyone who thinks Dumbledore has a chance has obviously been smoking something more interesting than you'll find in Gandalf's pipe.

- Thomas the Kingmaker

Baggins. Potter, too.
People waitin' for installment two.
And dressed up; Costumed line
Fanatics but they ain't lookin' fine
They're sewing garments just as fast as they can
'Cause everyone's crazy 'bout a spell-bound man

8 bucks; long wait
4 weeks 'til they unlock the gate
Muggles. Tolkien-ites
"Which one's better?" starts a lot of fights
They're quoting verse just as fast as they can
'Cause everyone's crazy 'bout a spell-bound man

- Mark Wentz - Or should I have just said these blokes look like the guys from ZZ Top?

- Johnny Psycho and the Industrial Mayonnaise band

If Harry needs to travel back in time, Dumbledore has a time travel potion. If he needs anything, Dumbledore has a magic item for it. Dumbledore always knows who's good and who's on the Dark Side, even when nobody else knows. If two rival warring clans of peanut-butter lions who breathe lightning attacked Hogwart's, well gosh darn it! Dumbledore just happens to have a wand that only works on peanut-butter lions who breathe lightning, and he knows which clan to use it on. Harry could just goof off in his dorm all year and Dumbledore would solve everything.

And Gandalf -- he actually has restrictions to his power. He's sometimes too late, and he doesn't have a spell that does exactly what needs to be done every time. Poor Gandalf has to use his brains instead of just pulling the perfect solution out of his hat. And if he sticks to his staff, he's a goner. Gandalf, as an actual character with depth, stands no chance against a living gimmick used to get writers out of jams.

- Tzinztuntzan (formerly le schmuck)

- Rainwoman

- Kommandant Beowulf

See, if I want to know how much of a chance Gandalf stands, I can go to my bookshelf and check my copy of LOTR, and see him in action. Dumbledore's potential, by comparison, is unrealized. You may see him get a little mad at times, but by and large, he's just some happy-go-lucky school professor who enjoys socks and pulling the strings of Harry's life. He allows his cronies, some more wizened characters and a trio of preteens, to solve his problems for him while he...what the hell does he do anyway?

Do I sound bitter? I wonder why? Well, gee, maybe it's because Rowling turned down Steven Spielberg and his idea of Haley Joel Osmant playing Harry because she insisted on a completely British cast. Maybe it's because the casting rejected Robin Williams for the same reason. Maybeit's because they teased me with having John Cleese in the cast, only to have him float for ten seconds and say the crappiest lines. But maybe, just maybe it's because I've been waiting for two FRIGGIN' years for Rowling to get off her pasty British fanny and get the 5th Harry Potter published! That's my breaking point! You have pushed my limits too far and for too long, J.K!! Gandalf fries Dumbledore!

- Tracer - Not all who wander are lost, but I sure as hell am

Plus, Gandalf is gay as a picnic basket, while Dumbledore only pretends to be in order to make English public school types feel at home. Real gay beats faux gay every time.

Dumbledore gets laughs by saying silly non sequiturs. Gandalf gets laughs by ranting "There is no butter in hell!", leaving his audience quivering in terror. It's pretty clear who is the forceful personality here.

- the wannabe U*x wizard

- The Masked Cow

- Logicus

"I don't know? Where ARE they?" says one judge.
"Beats me, I said nine sharp," says another.

Dumbledore wanders in. He's wearing a rugby shirt, a striped tie in an eccentric knot, a flannel bathrobe, and flannel slippers.

"--IN SHORT, THERE'S SIMPLY NOT, A MORE CONGENITAL SOT--" he mumbles. He reeks of cheap bourbon. Ah, he's waving a bottle of it around, that explains the bourbon stains on the tie and the streaks of vomit on his slippers. It's a wonder he still has any traction at all.

"THIS is Dumbledore?" says the first judge. "I expected an older man." He consults his clipboard.
"Where's the F*CKING BAR?" Dumbledore bawls.
"This is the WWWF competition," explains the third judge.
"Who'm I competing against? I CAN DRINK F*CKING Richard Burton under the f*cking TABLE!!!" Dumbledore says, bouncing up and down.
"Sorry, he's dead!" says the first judge.
"NOT PETER O'TOOLE, then? CHRIST!"
"Sorry, he's dead too." Short whispered conversation here, during which it is established that O'Toole is still alive, albeit just barely.
"It's not a drinking contest, Dumbledore," the first judge says sternly. "And at the moment, things don't look good for you. Do you have anything to say that might influence us?"

*BLLLLLAAAAAAUGGGHHH* Dumbledore vomits copiously all over the tables and the judges. "I believe that's my gun," he then says to the wall, before collapsing in the corner onto several empty cardboard boxes.

"I think we can eliminate Dumbledore," the first judge says, sponging the front of his clothes off. "Now then . . . Gandalf--"
Into the room runs Elijah Wood with his clothes torn. "HEEEELLPPPP! He's INSANE!"
Behind him, Gandalf, white beard flowing. "Just one kiss, sweet boy!" He begins chasing Wood around one of the banquet tables.
"I don't go that way, you old fruit! And if I did, it wouldn't be with YOU!" Wood is trying to keep the table between Gandalf and himself.
"Take off your shirt and tell me all about it!" says Gandalf, his eyes wide. The judges are just gaping at this display.

"If you like poppers, I've got some up in my room!" Gandalf says.
"NO!"
"Would you like to use my staff for awhile?"
"NO! HELLLLPPPPPP!" Wood runs from the conference room.
"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" Gandalf shouts, pursuing Wood out into the lobby.

The judges sigh and begin filling out their ballots. As usual, "both maimed and killed." It's the only fair solution.

- Deacon

- SuperKari

- BIGMRG74 * all in all you're just another brick in the wall.*

- Peter "Blue, no YellOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!" Tutham

Gandalf: Stand your ground, gentlemen! I will deal with this impostor, and then we shall away to seek the Holy Grail!
Dumbledore: Excuse me, did you say "Holy Grail"? As in THE Holy Grail?
Gandalf: Yes I did, you twit! Now let's get on with it!
Dumbledore: (turning to Arthur and company) And you gentlemen are looking for this Holy Grail?
Arthur: What do you think we've been talking about, you old dunce?! Now let's see you two go at each other's throats, we haven't got all day!
Dumbledore: Ah yes, THAT old thing. It's back at my place. Bought it off a chap in Palestine years ago, while dealing with a dybbuk infestation! Follow me, if you will...
(Arthur and his knights look at each other, shrug, and follow Dumbledore)
Gandalf: Hey! Where do you think you're going! I saved Middle Earth! I'm the archetype for every wise old wizard ever made! I... oh, bugger! (vanishes)

Game, Set, Match for Hogwarts' prestigious head honcho.

- Andy the Anarchist

- Aerodude (Also will respond to "God," "Supreme Deity" or, if in a good mood, "Penultimate Being"

Fails to notice a major artifact sitting right under his nose
Smokes weed grown by midgets
Passes the buck on major decisions "Let the ring bearer decide"
Fails to cast any spell other than light
Turns his back on a demon

- Mark (I heard it from Joe)

- Lt. Kije

Gandalf will have Dumbledore's head off by the time he gets his wand out.

And I don't expect even the mightiest Potter-universe wizards could top any abuse Gandalf has survived... Though you may criticize his tactics in the Balrog encounter, the fact that he SURVIVED that encounter puts him right beneath Godzilla on the toughness scale.

In short, even if Gandalf didn't have any offensive magic at his disposal, Dumbledore is toast.

Give him a lightsabre and put him up against Darth Maul if you want a real fight.

- Benito Baggins

J. K. Rowling sketched out her storylines in a coffee shop, while unemployed. J. R. R. Tolkein developed his storylines while riding through German anti-aircraft fire, headed for Arnhem with the British 1st Airborne. Nothing more British than engaging in an act of culture under fire. Nothing less English than coffee (as my friend Steve says, "it is most American.")

J. K. Rowling is late to her next deadline, and can't seem to get done with her next book. J. R. R. Tolkein published the Silmarillion after he died! The English always finish what they start, even after death. And they are always on time. I know this because my MGB only starts once in a while, but the dash clock keeps perfect time.

Finally, J. K. Rowling fails the critical initial test. When I was 15 and read the Lord of the Rings, that second middle initial (J. R. R.?) drove me nuts. Everyone I knew had, at best, one middle initial. Then, it seemed like every Englishman I met had at least two middle initials. J. R. R. takes it by an R.

- Dr. Stones

- Fish of Death

Dumbledore is closer to Jeffrey Jones' "Dean of Students Ed Rooney" in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, only without the obsessive viciousness.

Pretty easy pick this time out.

- Mr. Silverback- I always cry at movies with hand grenades in them.

- Ertai

So it's really quite simple...

Albus Dumbledore is dead...
Gandalf The Grey is gay...
King Arthur is dead AND gay.

So with Albus and Gandalf splitting the vote, it comes down to what Arthur feels is more important to him... being dead or being gay. And the fact is, King Arthur's life partner David Sherlock is still living, so if he was going to attempt the incredibly difficult journey across the barrier from the Great Beyond in order to meet up with a living being, he'd go visit his life partner first rather than some other gay man.

Therefore, King Arthur will rightly choose his fellow dead parro-- er, I mean dead MAN... as his wizardly travelling companion.

- Fish

I mean the man is the headmaster of a school full of pre-pubescent brats with magical powers, and as a teacher I can assure you that goblins, orcs and other such creatures have absolutely nothing on a school full of teenagers and rugrats!

Dumbledore humiliates Gandalf and sends him to detention!

- yobi

- The Bottom Line

First of all, we have to apply the Law of Transitive Characterization^TM:
Gandalf = Ian McKellen = Magneto
Dumbledore = Richard Harris = a whole lotta crappy characters, including one named Andreas Tork. No kidding.
Okaaaay. Magneto vs. Andreas Tork. Do I even have to explain this one?

Next, we have the Axiom of Effective Mentoring^TM

Gandalf mentors Frodo Baggins, who goes on to confront the greatest evil his world knows and all his minions and earn the respect of wise and brave souls throughout the land.
Dumbledore mentors Harry Potter, who only defeats his opponent through sheer luck and the aid of a congenital idiot and a know-it-all.
Again, pretty one-sided.

Finally, we have the Law of . . . oh god, I can't go on. It's too easy.

Gandalf decapitates Dumbledore with Glamdring, mounts his head next to the balrog's, and kicks back with a pipe full of Sonoma Gold^TM Brand pipe weed.

- Bozo the Clone

- Matt "Hippo Floss"

- DomaDragoon

- Monkeydog
'coz if I don't, I probably won't get that Steve and Brian Rock-em-Sock-em robot set I asked for.

THE FINAL WORD...

This will be a battle between the 12 year old geeks and the 32 year old geeks. Sadly enough they're probably in the same weight class.

- ex agent

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Anakin Skywalker v. Harry Potter
Jeannie v. Samantha
Dorothy & Friends v. King Arthur & His Kuhnigits

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Next Match: Spoof
ETA: Tuesday, December 3rd, 2002