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Augusta, Georgia - April 2008. Following her 133 straight PGA tour wins, Anika Sorenstam has retired from the PGA tour just in time for the Masters' tournament. With her out of the picture, the field is wide open for a new contender to challenge for the green jacket. And I mean, wide open - all the men on the PGA tour have retired after being routinely beaten by the Swedish sensation. In fact, for this year's tournament, only two golfers have made the cut. Golf-professional-slash-playboy-tycoon Ty Webb is first to the tee, and after making out with three buxom ladies en route to the tee box, he knocks a line-straight 250-yard drive towards the green. "You're rather attractive for a beautiful woman with a great body", he remarks offhandedly to Verne Lundquist as he steps aside for his competitor... ...who runs at the tee from a distance of thirty meters, and crushes the ball with a hockey swing. "Son of a bitch ball! Why can't you go home?" yells Happy Gilmore as the ball sails 400 yards down the fairway, landing slightly behind the green in the tall rough. "Aren't you good enough for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass ball!" Regaining his composure, he turns to an old lady by the side of the tee, saying "Don't you worry, Grandma. After I win the Masters' today, we'll have enough money to get your house back from the IRS. Again." Unbeknownst to Gilmore, however, Al Czervik has loosed groundskeeper Carl Spackler onto the course in an effort to help Ty Webb to victory. If Webb wins the Masters, Czervik will win his super-secret bet with Augusta co-owners Judge Smails and Martha Burke, and Czervik himself will own the grand old course. Following that? "We're all gonna get laid!" exclaims Czervik. Otherwise, Czervik and Webb will be banned from golfing forever. And no one will get laid. So, John, which of the dueling duffers dominates?
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JOHN: Well, I have to go with Caddyshack on this one, Hotbranch! After all, Adam Sandler may have the Rage™, but Ty Webb has the Short Game™. Remember his advice to Also, the addition of Carl Spackler to the mix will prove far too much for Gilmore. If Gilmore can be flustered by veteran comedic character actor Joe Flaherty, imagine how flustered he will be by exploding plastique sculptures of his friends, legendary Boston Bruins Bobby Orr and Johnny Bucyk. Spackler is a veteran of many fights with the legendary Varmint Cong, and will be easily able to defeat Gilmore on the fairway of battle. "Pay no attention to this bush", he will whisper to Gilmore as he stalks him in camouflage across the course. And why would he? Gilmore will be too busy looking out for Bob Barker to worry about any attacks from the local conifers. Finally, Al Czervik will prove quite the distraction himself. His golf bag is equipped to play the hits of the 70s and 80s (™, The River, or The Eagle, or whatever the crap retro station in your town is called), and he and his cronies will be flagrantly dancing on the fairways to the tune of "Any Way You Want It" or "Workin' for the Weekend". I defy any mortal man to turn his gaze away from the dance stylings of one Mr. Rodney Dangerfield. It simply can't be done. It's 80's Sex Comedy Physics™ at work. Easy win for Webb and the rest of the Caddyshack gang. HOTBRANCH: I don't know much about golf. To me it's little more than a bunch of folks wandering in the woods bending over while looking for balls. In fact, I'm pretty sure that was the plot of the porno version of Blair Witch you loaned me, which was way more entertaining than televised golf. You seem to have forgotten that when his meatball sub was on the chopping block, Happy Gilmore worked with golfing legend Chubbs Peterson and found his short game that helped him win the golden jacket despite a television tower collapsing right on his putting line. Why? Because despite all the distractions, he went where all guys want to go: that happy place where women serve beer while wearing lingerie. The real key to this matchup is motivation. Gilmore is in it for money, while Webb is just trying to piss off Judge Smails. Webb doesn't even cash his tournament winnings, he just leaves them lying around to impress chicks. Happy Gilmore is motivated by greed, and in the words of Gordon Gekko: "Greed is good. Greed is right. Greed works." Ty Webb is the living embodiment of indifference. If he isn't on vacation, he doesn't care. He won't care about Al Czervik's super-secret bet or his plans on getting laid any more than he did about his late night talk show. (Which is probably why he is the bottom feeder in the evolution of failed late night talk shows.) Golf doesn't strike me as a terribly manly sport. I guess one can't expect much from a game invented by men who wear skirts with a penchant for sheep buggery. The deathblow to the Caddyshackers is their affinity to Kenny Loggins. Their choice of musical stylings leads me to believe they want to be the LPGA. To paraphrase Bob Barker: "The soundtrack is wrong, Bitch." JOHN: You don't know much about golf? Wow, could have fooled me. Because after your scintillating commentary, I will certainly be hard pressed to put forward a rebuttal. Only replace "scintillating commentary" with "arguments that you might also hear from a drunken infant", and "hard pressed to put forward a rebuttal" with "win this contest without much in the way of additional conscious effort". To quote a great philosopher "I have to laugh, I have outfinessed myself again". Remind me again, Hotbranch: did Barker say that before or after he beat Happy Gilmore within an inch of his life? If Gilmore's cowering in fear of Barker, he won't be much contest for Spackler's sneak attacks. And I note you didn't touch on Spackler - who as we all know is a veteran of time travel. So if, for whatever reason, he doesn't sabotage Gilmore's game properly, he'll end up going back in time and doing it over and over again until he does it right. Or at least nails Andie MacDowell. Also, you mention the "happy place" being where women in lingerie serve beer. I think you've just described pretty much any place Al Czervik goes. Hell, even when he's building condos, there's always half-naked beer-toting beauties to assist in the construction process. Why wouldn't Gilmore throw the game to join Czervik full time instead of trying to go to his happy place on his own - which we have seen has about a 50-50 shot of ending up with archrival Shooter McGavin making wild love to his grandma. Meanwhile, Ty Webb shoots a near-perfect game so that everyone can hear those magic words: "Hey, everyone! We're all gonna get laid!" And you talk about motivation. Too many distractions, too much of an opponent, too little skill. But enough about Hotbranch - Gilmore has no hope of winning this tournament. Break out the Journey, I sense a victory party happening at Club Czervik, the new name of Augusta National! HOTBRANCH: Let me set you straight on philosophy (again): Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself," and the London Underground is not a political movement. Barker may have uttered his "bons mots" after throwing the deciding punch, but Happy only took on the cocksure codger because he had enough control over his emotions to not go after the deserving victim: Joe Flaherty; something that would have had him ejected from the professional tour. Besides, anyone trying to distract Gilmore during the Masters will have to contend with his new personal body guard: Mr. Larson, aka Jaws. As for Spackler, how can someone who is regularly outwitted by rodents be a threat to Gilmore? What's Carl gonna do? Pack the course with C4? Again? After Gilmore's final putt appears to come up short, the ensuing explosion will nudge the ball into the cup. It's deja vu all over again, because groundhog days works both ways. As you kindly pointed out, Gilmore has the RAGE™. It burns so deep inside him that he beat the gator that took Chubbs' hand, something we've never seen Steve Irwin do. When I look at Webb and his playboy image, I see a guy whose golf bag has as many clubs as it does prescriptions to combat STDs. At the most crucial moment of the match, the syphilis will take control of his brain, and he will fall down a flight of stairs that have conveniently appeared out of the blue. In the end, Grandma will get her house back and Opera Man will provide the entertainment at the Masters Championship dinner.
Thanks to Ian Leshin, Mr. Potato Head and Vermin Boy for suggesting this match
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18th hole. Happy is one stroke away from victory, and his ball lies on the green. Happy lines up his putt ... Cervik (to Happy): Hey! Are you looking ok? Maybe this ain't your day to play! Gilmore: Hey, you're looking old and gray! Nice toupée! And how much do you weigh? Do you obey the buffet? Don't stay, go grab another tray! Cervik: I would, but the cook here sucks! It's like he makes pieces of shit for breakfast. Instead of cutlery, the waiter should hand out pooper-scoopers! Happy looks to the clubhouse, and sees Shooter McGavin, fork in hand. Standing beside him is a certain British spy with bad teeth wearing a blue crushed-velvet suit, with an odd brown mustache on his upper lip. "Honestly, this coffee isn't that bad, baby", he says. Focusing on his shot, Happy goes to his happy place, visualizes Mr. Larson kicking the crap out of Shooter, and makes the putt with ease. The crowd cheers for the winner, and Happy runs to hug Grandma and his girlfriend who happens to be wearing lingerie and holding a pitcher of beer in each hand (my idea of a balanced diet). (... wait a tic, if I finish it like this, I won't get laid ...) ... (... screw it, I probably wouldn't get laid anyway.) - Dom (lonely on a Friday night)
From the first time Adam got a laugh out of Eve (“Orange you glad I didn’t say ‘banana?’”) to the day John shared his insights into equine proctology and beyond, comedy has always been about the punchline. If there’s no humorous payoff, it’s not comedy, and if it ain’t comedy, it ain’t Grudge MatchTM. If Happy Gilmore loses this match, there is still potential for a great comedic payoff. Happy might find out about the secret bet and throttle Al Czervik until his eyeballs fall out. The Caddyshack crew might be generous in victory– Ty might just pay the tax bill, or Spackler might just blow up the local IRS office and blame it on the Al-Qaida-affiliated Gopher Jihad. If all else fails, it was shown conclusively in Grumpy Old Men that even an IRS houseknapping can be a source of great humor. Heads up, Mr. Taxman! On the other hand, if Ty loses, Judge Smails and Martha Burke win and one of comedy’s most valued traditions–the defeat and public mocking of pompous jerks–will be trampled on. Imagine the Marx Brothers’ films without any Margaret Dumont gags: Half the good lines gone right there! Imagine what a drag Ghostbusters would have been if EPA agent Walter Peck had gotten his way instead of being mega- dissed and then (Heads up, Mr. EPA Man!) deluged with liquid marshmallow! Not funny at all, in fact, about as funny as Smails and Burke having the last laugh over cocktails. About as funny as Caddyshack would have been without Chevy Chase, Bill Murray and Rodney Dangerfield. Nope, no can do, Grudgefans. For the sake of all that is Grudgeness, I implore you, let Caddyshack win! OK, cue the Kenny Loggins music...
- Mr. Silverback– My tagline writer has vowed to correct Scotty J’s Packer-hating ways. Immediate repentance is recommended.
I've seen Happy Gilmore, but never Caddyshack. That doesn't matter. What does matter is other characters they can call in: Chevy Chase:
Adam Sandler:
Wait! Did I type Little Nicky? Little Nicky. Yes I did! He's the deciding factor. And whyyyyy you may ask? He's half devil/half angel! And that's important since You can't say he's evil since He's half angel, and you can't say he's a wussy goody-two shoes since he's half devil! Conclusion: Happy Gilmore wins after Little Nicky calls upon Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Ash, John "The Duke" Wayne, OZZY FRICKIN' OSBOURNE, and Popeye's Chicken to defeat the Caddyshackers. And it was goooood. - The Hooligan Of Doom, Who's part computer nerd and part SUPERMAN!
Hockey players are renowned for violence. Happy Gilmore played hockey, and he was renowned for his violence on the golf course. This is compared to the other, boring, golfers, who simply hit the ball somewhat long distances without screaming, jumping, or doing triumph dances. Violence makes the world go round. Annoy yutz who's watched the news lately should see that. Who's generally more violent? Happy Gilmore. Who usually wins, the violent people or the pacifists? The violent people. It's going to be junior high all over again; the jock with violent tendencies (Happy), shall deliver a smiting blow/wedgie to the poncy golfer/groundskeeper/whatever he calls himself. Caddyshack will be out cold before you can say "Fore!" - Bitter Psycho Chick (Meanwhile, 500 years ago in Scotland-) "Aye, laddies," a thick-moustached Scotsman croons, "What say we make up a game that involves hitting a tiny white ball 400 yards across the terrain, and try to get it into this little hole?" "But why?" asks another Scotsman, who is holding his kilt down to keep from exposing himself." "Because," the first man replies, "We've got all these silly looking plaid clothes and nothing to wear them for!" - Mr. Floppy Adam Sandler comes from an era where the most bodily fluids and gratuitous nudity make for a 'classic.' He has made his reputation on nothing but crude jokes and bad slapstick. Chevy Chase, on the other hand, came from the times when you had to be funny to get by. His movies are still watched and are considered to be some of the best lampooning ever. - Rainwoman The game of golf is not just an exercise in skill and precision. It also takes patience and cunning. Yet the deciding factor often seems to be some cosmic or divine force. This can be proven by watching any golf game and noticing how the players always seem to look up at the sky in triumph or anguish. Cosmic and divine forces can be defined as any kind of spiritual or supernatural beings who work tirelessly to move fate along. Bribery does not usually work with these beings, but there are exceptions. Based on this premise, it can only be concluded that the guys from Caddyshack will drive roughshod over Happy Gilmore. Why? Because Carl has been promised total enlightenment, so he has that going for him. It follows that Ty will win the match, Danny will get the girl and Carl will get his just reward. It's Karma, you see? Knowing that they can win this way, it must be reasoned that the Caddyshack gang will probably bribe a cosmic or divine force. And they will most likely do it. - Snoopy It looks like Ty Webb is going to get the jacket in this tournament. One major reason is superior firepower. Happy Gilmore's arsenal consisted of hockey sticks and golf clubs. Ty has access to Carl Spackler and his stockpile of explosives. Usually in conflicts, if one side has explosives and the other doesn't, the guys with the explosives win. But there's more. There is that staple of Grudge Match competitions: allies. All Happy Gilmore has on his side is Mr. Larson who was played by Richard Kiel. Now, he may seem to be a powerful ally and he does have the Demented Astronomer Meeting Factor(tm) on his side (I met Richard Kiel twice), but he is not the man he once was. When I saw him, he had great difficulty just getting around. While I like Richard Kiel and think he is a smart man, I doubt his character can take the strain of following Happy for all 18 holes anymore. So, Happy is essentially on his own here. The situation is markedly different for Ty Webb. In addition to Carl Spackler and his explosives expertise, he also has some powerful comedy talent in his camp. "Caddyshack" was written in part by Harold Ramis, a veteran of "SCTV". Then, there is Al Czervik, who was played by standup comedy legend Rodney Dangerfield. Dangerfield is about the only standup comic (the other is George Carlin) that I will go out of my way to catch their performances on the late night talk shows. Then there is the late Ted Knight. His work on the "Mary Tyler Moore Show" was classic. True, he is dead, but as the Grudge Match has established in the past, he can be taken from a previous point in space-time for the match. Or he can be undead. Having the undead on your side can be a powerful advantage as they can't really be killed. Finally, Ty can call in air support from his new friend, the AFLAC duck (Chevy Chase now appears in the new AFLAC ad campaign). With such an array of allies, victory is assured. The match will go as follows: Mr. Larson will tire and have to leave in the golf cart by the second hole. Well-timed explosions, courtesy of Carl Spackler, will throw off Happy's aim and concentration. Add that to the intimidation of being surrounded by vastly superior comic talent, Happy will finish the tournament at five over par. Ty will come in at about three under par. - The Demented Astronomer Hmmm, Chevy Chase, an actor I despise and hate. Adam Sandler, a prat I hate and despise who keeps turning up in movies. Golf. A pointless game I hate and despise. As the game continues, spectators are distracted from the humourless antics of the two idjits as a flying saucer descends onto the green. An alien wearing a fishbowl helmet steps out. DAK! DAK! DAK! He reduces everyone to red and green charred skeletons with his atom blaster. Victory goes to the martians. - dworkin - They, must, all... die! Anybody here that is going to help me get laid, sure as hell got my vote!!!! Ok, so this is where I gotta get creative now and actually figure out how the whole match goes down. Czervik tells Gilmore that he will buy back Grandma Gilmore's house for him. It’s small potatoes to Mr. Czervik, a real estate mogul that could hang with Donald Trump anyway. He can easily take the loss that he would have with just giving the house back to Gilmore, hell, he probly has an old Enron accountant that could even figure out a way of using that as a tax write-off. Gilmore takes a dive, Ty, Happy, and ME*most important here in this match* get laid!! Heck, even Carl, Grandma, and Big Al Czervik get laid! It’s just that Happy is going to hit the freaking roof when he walks in on Grandma and Czervik right after she took him up on his offer to make fourteen dollars the hard way. P.S.- Oxymoron's tag line writer *is* still up for sale. Last time I checked, I have an offer of $15.16 for the little guy!! - BIGMRG74 - go ahead and send in the Cheat Oxy!! I am not scared of this Cheat, but you will soon learn to fear my wrath!!! bigmrg74@hotmail.com Just as long as Adam Sandler is violated with a golf club, I'm a happy girl. - The Last Innocent Catholic Schoolgirl Caddyshack is an okay film when Bill Murray is on camera, but the thing about Happy Gilmore is this: Happy, basically, murdered Chubbs. As far as I can see, Happy might as well have pushed him out of the window, given his idea of a present for all Chubbs' hard work helping that ego-driven loser! How I'm expected to feel uplifted when that prick wins is beyond me. On the forth hole, the cops show up and haul Happy's ass off to the slammer (he's been on the run since Chubbs' murder in '96, you know), and everyone gets laid... including Happy, in the showers. You know, I almost feel sorry for him. Next up on the Movie Justice Hit List: That black midget from Me Myself & Irene. That little git. - Mixmaster Flibble Anyone who quotes the Überbabe Jamie Lee gets my vote. Way to go HB! Apes can read philosophy, they just don't understand it. - Milo Bloom This one has me tied up like Tom Lerher in Bettie Page’s Basement (as they danced to the Masochism Tango…). On one side, we have the most boring, inane, and lame sport you can conceive (coincidentally invented by the Scotts—a group that only the likes of Mr. T, and William the Long Shank will mess with). Then you have hockey—one of the most brutal games ever conceived, by Canada, who’s not even a real country anyway (© 2000 Trey Parker and Matt Stone). You have to also figure that Ty will make an offhand comment about Happy Gilmore, something like his uncle molests collies, upon which Happy will start pummeling him and mention that the price is wrong, even though Bob Barker is busy reminding us to help control the pet population. But when it comes down to it, I believe that the winner is going to be the Gopher (NOT GOLFERS, YOU IDIOT! GOPHERS! THE LITTLE BROWN FURRY RODENTS!). Why, because Chervik will say it best, “that Kanagaroo stole my ball!” Meanwhile, Carl will be watching Ethyl Merman and the Fabulous Moolah playing golf and contriving his sick fantasies on the ballwasher. Then, the head greenskeeper will tell him to kill all the Gophers on the course (NOT GOLFERS, YOU IDIOT! GOPHERS! THE LITTLE BROWN FURRY RODENTS!). The end result is all singed and burnt to a crisp, when Carl thanks to his buddy John Winger gets a hole of napalm, and lays waste to Augusta similar to General Sherman to anything in Gerogia. Then, who pops out of a hole and starts dancing and talking like Flipper? And since the gopher is Caddyshack… Someone cue Kenny Loggins. - Keeper of the Light well though both deffinatly have a chance, caddyshack has the edge, he gets laid if he wins. Guys will do anything to get laid (and obvious fact). gilmore would normaly have a chance but with that 'laying' on caddyshacks shoulders, happy gilmore is on the short end of the club. - anonymous Wow, the two most quotable movies of all time, and both about golf! I guess I have to give the nod to Ty Webb, simply for this transaction: Webb: Do you do drugs, Danny? Noonan: Every day. Webb: Good. - Grudge-Pops™: It's in the hole! My vote goes to Happy Gilmore for these reasons: 1.)Adam Sandler can call upon his alter ego Billy Madison and under this persona he can afford to buy Bushwood Country Club and ban Judge Smails and his type from ever returning. Then, with Al Czervik as his partner, they turn the country club into a place of sex and 80's rock. 2)With badass actor Richard Keil (JAWS) on his side, no one beats Happy 3) I refuse to vote for the man who actually said "Caddyshack 2? Sounds like a good idea. I'll do it" for these reasons, Gilmore wins and either way, Al Czervik stays on and gets laid. "You want your driver? Nah hes not my type" - Dr. Van Hesling According to Roger Ebert, the movie "Happy Gilmore" contains no less than FOURTEEN different product placements, just a few of which include (if I remember them correctly): Titlelist golf balls, AT&T, Mountain Dew, Spalding, Michelob, IBM, and (the one placement Happy does himself) Subway sandwiches. Yes folks, beneath that snarling and belligerent veneer, Happy is quite the Corporate Stooge (TM). Translation: A Happy Gilmore victory means REVENUE. And if the PGA stockholders and sponsers have to set fire to the Caddyshack crew's clubhouse or break Chevy Chase's kneecaps to insure that, THEY'LL DO IT. - RoboGoober Version 2 (Money talks, and HotBranch! walks) As was pointed out in the commentary, this match is going to be decided on manliness. Of course, this is golf, the least manly "sport" around. I mean, as the setup ably pointed out, it was just waiting for the least manly person to come along (and Annika, being a woman, is certainly not manly) who would then proceed to win without thinking. Now tell me, what's more manly - a hockey player, or an indolent millionaire? The hockey player of course. But since golf punishes masculinity, it's clear that Happy can't win. And let's not bring the Scots into this, lest we arouse You Know Who (We Do Not Know Who - TM). If we were talking real Scots and a real Scottish sporting event, we'd be tossing cabers right now. - 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction I don't know what John was smoking when he made his opening statement, but I'd like to get my hands on some of it, hear you me. "if it comes down to a simple game of golf"?!!!! This is a Grudge Match...of COURSE it won't just be a simple game of golf. Besides...golf sucks. It's for seniors, wimps, and bored hockey players whose teams have been knocked out of the playoffs. Thus, Happy has this match two ways: i) He's a hockey player. He could easily kick the crap out of some pathetic golfer, Bob Barker notwithstanding - he's one tough old mother. And ii) Happy has obviously never been on any team good enough to make it anywheres in the playoffs, so he would naturally have lots of time to hone the ol' golf skills. - Superfraggle - Golf sucks. Hockey RULES!!! Too bad Anaheim couldn't pull off the win, though. Geez, it wouldn't matter who won. By the time both have hit the second tee I would've become bored and switched over to a more interesting channel...or gone outside for a walk... or watched the paint on the ceiling dry... or one of ten thousand more mundane things that are actually more entertaining than watching a game of golf. Now competition snooker trick-shot championships are something else entirely... - Hyper_Intelligent_Fish Just as Spackler is about to press down on the dynamite stick and blow up the hole Ty Webb is shooting for (all in order to ensure all hole-in-one in the first round), he sees a flicker of brown, furry movement in the corner of his eye. Whirling around, Spackler sees, gnawing on the wire connecting to the dynamite, his arch-nemesis....THE GOPHER! Remembering all the times Mr. Gopher eluded his dimwitted clutches, Spackler lets loose a scream of built-up rage and lunges at the small cute mammal, who swiftly truns for it. Spackler chases the Gopher for about an hour until what feels like a sledgehammer slams into the side of his head, knocking him out cold instantly. Meanwhile, Happy Gilmore is perplexed by the crazy guy who just ran into the path of his 900mph shot. Shrugging, Happy walks off to continue playing. - Kevin, Lord of Nonsense The only reason I'm voting for caddyshack is because Gilmore beat up Gator. No One beats up my realitives! - Lizard Man The Official Grudge-Match Amazing Book of Knowledge (tm) Chapter 1: Official Rules Section 3.4 C "Any Grudge-Match participant is/is equal to any other character played by the same actor. All strenghts, weaknesses, powers and/or past experiences can be called upon at any time during the match." Well. It was in the book, so I'll use it. Happy Gilmore = Adam Sandler = Bobby "the Waterboy" Boucher, Mr.Deeds Ty Webb = Chevy Chase = Mr.Griswald, One of the 3 Amigos Mr.Griswald was a pansy. I mean honestly. There is no doubt in my mind that Bobby Boucher could beat the living [obscenity deleted, replaced with "poo"] out of Griswald. Also, Longfellow Deeds has a frozen, dead, black foot. What do the 3 Amigos have? Hats? Ooooh. Big Advantage there. - kracker This is no contest. First of all, Happy is a Hockey Player (TM). And he's fighting for his Grandma's house, which, of course grants him the power of the Rage (TM). This equals big trouble for anyone who gets in his way (watch the Stanley Cup (TM) Finals (TM) if you don't know what I mean). Dammit, he stands in front of Pitching Machines (TM) to toughen himself up. He got hit by a damn car and was fine. A guy like this could easily take a C4 (TM) or two. Skill is a non-factor here. After the first hole, Ty Webb can consider himself lucky if his head is still attached to his body. Think Scott Stevens on Crack (TM) vs Bill Clinton without Secret Service (TM) agents. Happy in two, maybe three holes. - WhiteWolf Golf, it is a proven fact, is the most boring game on the planet. I know this. I've been dragged along with friends and family (all male, oddly enough) on various golf games. The absolutely pivotal moment was tagging along on an eighteen hole game with my boyfriend, in 35 degree (Celsius) heat. After that, I have point-blank refused to set foot on pesticide-soaked, perfectly manicured grass ever since. What I really want is for something exciting to happen during a golf game. Something stunning and shocking that would leave me sniggering for days after. Best of all, somthing that results in there being fewer golfers in the world. So I'm just going to vote that Gilmore freaks out and clubs his opponents to death, then runs off screaming, naked, into the rough. Okey doke? - The Jester Well lets see...Chevy Chase is a has-been annoying bastard who is no longer funny, Adam Sandler is an annoying bastard who never was funny. Chevy Chase had that awful talk show, Sandler did a sequel to the Hannaka Song. I can't decide who I hate more. Where the hell is the both killed and mutilated beyond recognition button! - Claymore I'm Bitter. I'm Bitter and I'm Angry. I'm Bitter, I'm Angry, and I Sure as Hell Want to Tell Someone About It. What am i mad about, you ask? No, not finals It's not Girl Problems And No, it's not because all my friends laugh at my summer plan to grow a Fu Man Chu beard. I am bitter and Angry because of CADDYSHACK 2. Never before has a sequel ruined a movie for me (we won't count AP: Goldmember, because it's the third movie, not a sequel) like Caddyshack 2 has. No Rodney Dangerfield, no Bill Murray, Utter Crap. That said, however, i have to vote Caddyshack. I can't take out all my Bitter Teenage Angst (TM) on Chevy Chase and company, can i? Sadly, no, Adam Sandler deserves more of my angst for portraying the same character in every Goddamn Movie. So, i've come to this conclusion: Because Dangerfield and Murray had nothing to do with Caddyshack 2, they will not be punished, and Caddyshack will win. However, Chevy Chase will pay the price for that awful, horrible film, when he is bitten by a gopher after beating Happy Gilmore (who, due to my teenage wrath, died from complications of the VD he acquired during the match). We're all gonna get laid! - Neilan The obvious choice for the winner is best summed up in this quote: "There are very few things in life that can't be fixed with the application of high explosives". While eradicating gophers is one such thing, eradicating a foul- mouthed brat is not. Groundskeeper Bill (Carl) will surely come to his friend’s aid and offer enough C4 to take out Happy, Scuba Steve and the Scuba Squad, Billy and his penguin, Abi-Doubie, and any other creation of that oh-so-sick mind. If that weren't enough, Caddyshack has the powers of Mr. Griswald. Even with obstacles that would prevent any non-mortals from accomplishing simple tasks like driving, such as sleeping, dragging dead pets, and other hazards, Griswald always delivers. Even if the game was interrupted by a storm of angry Germans and Snooty French Waiterstm, Griswald will emerge victorious. And what does Happy have? Sure he has the Ragetm, but what does it do for him? Happy is the only person who has ever misused the Ragetm to the point that he must swear off of it. If he throws one of his power tantrums, he runs the danger of being ejected from the match by censors, giving the easy win the Caddyshack. His only hope is to try and remain calm, hard to do when a seventy-year-old man is mooning you, and laying high explosives in your golf bag. And finally I must remind you all that the Honorable Mr. Dangerfield is also the only blood son of Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns. That means he is half playboy, half evil monster (ok, maybe 60% playboy). Coupled with the high explosives from Carl, this spells doom, DOOOOOOM for Happy. After the course is reduced to ashes, and the gophers finish their big song and dance number on the remains of poor Happy's grandma, Caddyshack finishes an incredible round, and only +3 over par - Steve Adam Sandler and Chevy Chase both starred in a movie directed by Bob Saget. BOB SAGET!!! They both do not deserve to live. - Tahna Los Clearly, this is not a battle between two golf teams, but rather a titanic struggle between 80s and 90s nostalgia. Now, Caddyshack has been around for almost 23 years. It has held a high ranking in respect from generations of fans. Say a random line in a crowded room, odds are good that someone will say the following line almost immediately. It had Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, fresh off of one of the few good casts of SNL. Extreme nostalgic mojo. Happy Gilmore, on the other hand, holds just as much respect amongst the younger set. Oh, how the little kids squeal in joy, as Adam Sandler goes insane and starts wailing on Bob Barker, making golf a joy, rather than an extremely dull and pointless game. The kids love it. So, the question here is not which side will win on the links, but rather who can summon the most internet geeks to vote for them. ....... Ah, screw it. I voted for Caddyshack. Rodney Dangerfield is the man. - Tracer Malone At first I was going to say "This is a good match spoiled," going for a Last Word. But then I realized "Wait a minute--that was my first impulse. Someone else--nay, hundreds of others--has already typed that in." So there's that frickin fear of being unoriginal, which has haunted me my entire life and cost me that writing job. But it's just so HARD to think up new plots: giant asteroids, terrorists, booby- traped busses, the Earth's core, birds, cloned dinosaurs, alligators, they've ALL been done! I HATE YOU, HOLLYWOOD! GIVE THE WRITERS A BREAK! Plus, some people might not get the Mark Twain reference. - Logicus Happy will kick off in Mr. Mellow's cocaine addled ass. He's got the big stick, and he knows how to swing it!! And let's face it, if it wasn't for Rodney Dangerfield Caddy Shack would have sucked, bad. But when Happy is done having his way with Chevy, make sure he fixes him so we don't have to dodge another "Vacation" movie, for christ sakes! - Tim Freckman While no one can contend with the coolness of "Nunnn nunnn nunnnunnn nunnn!" (which approaches Mentos Level Coolness), standing in a batter's cage to get ready for a sport you obviously stink at is DEDICATION(TM). Combine that with GREED(TM) and the RAGE, and the most powerful force known to man or snail is released. Happy Gilmore wins in 4.21 seconds. - Fred, the Rabid Nutria In the arena of golf talent given Happy has retained his putting abilites the competitors are tied. This match will boil down to the efforts of a possibly insane, but not easily put off or distracted groundskeeper. Lets evalute past matches: Dancing Gopher vs. Carl Spackler
Happy Gilmore vs. Shooter
Given the theoretical scenario: Happy Vs. Gopher Evaluate intelligence
Evaluate Luck
Evaluate Weaponry
VICTOR OVERALL: Gopher Current Senario Carl vs. Happy: Evalute intelligence:
Evaluate Luck:
Evalute Weaponry:
Plays out: Happy narrowly avoids a series of explosions, and survives a bizzare incident where one hole of golf course is flooded. He putts from the green. The ball stops a fraction of a centimeter from the hole. He throws his club up and gets his face down toward the ball. The crowd tenses in anticipation for his freak out. The censor is forced to beep once when all of the sudden... BOOM! Ty is the victor due to forfiet. Thank you very little. - Chickwiththemoose Christ, they are both brain dead. We're talking Jethro Clampett here. Where's both maimed, killed, shredded, and locked away with Wesley Crusher, Barney, and the Wiggles? Only reason I voted Caddyshack we because Chevy Chase got Christie Brinkley to do nude scenes... - Kain Gilmore has this one pretty well in the bag. I mean, look at what each contender did for the sport of golf. Gilmore popularized the sport for millions of middle-class American fans and used his winnings for an ultimately noble cause. Webb... didn't really DO anything for the sport, per se. But I'm gonna say that property damage and gopher killing aren't going to go down to well in today's politically correct world. Now, as anyone can tell you, golf is a game that can only sustain itself via huge donations from wealthy sponsors. The courses, caddies, prize funds, tours... it all adds up. So who's gonna get corporate America's support? If Webb comes anywhere near victory, they're gonna find him choked to death on Wheaties with a Nike a foot up his "back 9". - Corporate Sponsors R Us Awwww! Come on!! It's obvious who has this match! Think about it this way: Hundreds of age nine-fifteen year olds stop by at this page...Most of them hadn't seen Caddyshack, and a few hadn't even been born when it came out. But they see Adam Sandler and go: "Duh, me think he funny" It's no contest :( - Sanbud Lets take a look at the motives shall we. Happy is playing for his dear grandmother to regain possession of his hand built home. Why do the guys from Caddyshack play? Hell if I know or care. Besides, Happy has his, well, Happy Place(TM). In anything I've ever seen where someone has a special place of any kind they have blown the competition out of the water, or off the green in this case.
- That One Guy Happy Gilmore and Ty are tied at the nine. They struggle in vain trying to compete, Happy hacking away and Ty ogling the crowd. Suddenly there is an uproar! A new contender? What? Yes! It's the washed-up hasbeen Kevin Costner battling his way through the green - and the bottle - trying to win the love of his blonde amor. Happy and Ty decide to join forces to kick Kevin's tin cup ass. After a fearsome battle, Happy, Kevin, and Ty are tied for first place! The winner is to be decided by a coin toss. Unfortunately the coin lands on a large burly man's foot, and he eats the contestants with beans and a nice Chianti. Tiger Woods ends up winning the game and fires all the caddies. - Darkfall Ah yes. This match stinks of a hundred Sandler fans. These fans will vote for their movie GOD in it wether or not he stars in the superior movie. Enjoy your worship of a lowly man while you still can. I have your reservation. - Satan Each of these golfers has his own unique style. The Caddyshack crew espouses the zen-like "be the ball" philosophy. Happy Gilmore's attitude runs more along the lines of "beat the living snot out of the ball". So, logically, if the Caddyshack team is the ball, Happy will beat the living snot out of them. - sPeciAL eD Whatever happens, you know Lorne Michaels is going to be rolling around in a pile of money and tittering like a schoolgirl... - KingOfDomaDeluxe While neither Adam Sandler nor Chevy Chase has made a decent movie within recent memory, Adam is STILL making movies (I think) while Chevy struggles to get the spotlight from a one-liner duck in insurance commercials. By this Adam has a significant edge in endorsements and can actually afford to play in this tournament while Chevy sends out head shots of himself in an attempt get some work so that he can pay for the one stroke he's already made. By the way, Hotbranch, that video is The Bare Bitch In The Projects. - RCAlicea I lived in Florida for twenty years before I joined the Navy and learned how to kill people for fun and profit. To this day, I STILL won't fuck with a Gator! Why? Because I've seen those bastards eat anything that gets near the water. Men. Women. Children. Pets. Even those fiber glass canoes that dumb tourists love to rent. I once worked on a golf course in Orlando earning minimum wage as a handy man and all around slave. I never did golf but the thing that sticks out most in my mind is when four over the hill men came running up to the club house, screaming like they had heard banjos, because a gator had bitten off the rear wheel from their golf cart. I got good money that says the "Shackers" (sounds like a red neck porno) have the same soft and french-like spinal colums that those tourists had. Gilmore, on the other hand, has a backbone made of solid steel to go with his balls of solid brass. If he can beat a Gator to death with his bare hands than a bunch of washed up has beens will be an amusing distraction for him. In the South you spell Gator with a capital "G" because thats how much respect those SOBs have! - -SXS (I once saw a Gator eat a Coast Guard Cutter!) Ty will win for one simple reason. He's a nice guy, and dammit, nice guys should WIN! Let me explain... Happy, he's a nice guy to an extent, but he also doesn't do anything to necessarily not piss people off. He even managed to piss off Bob Barker, and that man should be the happiest in the whole world! Gets action with his Price is Right girls, has a classic show watched by millions. Sure, he gets fat nasty women running up to him when they win the bidding round giving him sweaty hugs and lard-filled kisses, and the occasional gay guy bidding correctly and getting to reach into his pocket to dig out hundred dollar bills, but he gets past those, still manages to smile. For Happy to piss him off, he's got to be pretty bad. Now, look at Ty. His worst is he made Dan Akroyd mad in Nothing But Trouble, just for being a banker, but he also made him happy in Spies Like Us, leaving him the hot Russian (Mrow!) and possibly made him happy at the end of Caddyshack 2, when Ty is asked to suck out the poison in his ass (Probably isn't the first time...). I'd say Ty just isn't capable of pissing people off in the way Happy can. - Pareeha, the caddy who encourages people to use their nine irons on the announcers. The tradition is the winner of the Masters gets to choose the cuisine for the banquet at the next Masters. "What's this groundhog doing on my plate?" Mmmm... groundhog... It's what's for dinner(TM). - The Genie ah logic something no one ever thinks of. First of all you have Happy Gilmore a man who gets himself beat up every chance he gets but he also has a happy place that means he's looking forward to getting laid he want it as much as the next man, Caddyshack, they both want the same things so in the course of the game some C-4 accidentally shoots Happy's grandma into a better place, overcome with grief Happy forfeits and later gets laid. I love happy endings. - Lurch It would seem that Caddyshack wins, no question... right? While not one of my favorites, it has a huge advantage over Sandler. If you haven't figured it out already, Sandler is just not the same as he used to be back in the days of H.G. If "Mr. Deeds" and "Anger Management" are any indication of his current, complete lack of talent, he'll swing, miss, shout the usual profanities, make several lame, trashy sex jokes, and look completely crack-addicted. Realizing that he's falling out of favor with the fans, he'll write a fourth, and desidedly less funny, version of the "Chanukah Song" and the Caddyshack crew cheers, confident that kicking his washed-up ass will be a breeze. But THIS is where the RAGE(tm) comes into play with Sandler. He hits the ball for all this web-site is worth, sends it sailing into a nearby hospital, landing in an open heart surgery patient, and ending the game for everyone. Grandma disownes him and adopts Shooter McGavin, who gets her house back... again. Sandler is left alone on the green... a minet later, the sprinklers turn on. - Miao Well, since I was given another week, I actually took the time to watch both of these films for the first time. The idiot who labelled either of these hack jobs as "comedies" should be beaten over the head with a dead parrot until he gets some actual comedic taste. So far as the match goes, it is a simple truth that Al Czervik is a man created only to irritate and infuriate anybody he contacts. He's loud, obnoxious and irreverent, and he gets away with it every time. Now, Happy Gilmore knows that beating up anybody is enough to get him disqualified, but there is only so far he can be stretched before he goes berserk. And Czervik is head and shoulders over Joe Flaherty in the psychological department. "Boy, will you look at lisping boy here! I dated a hockey player once, but her teeth kept falling down my throat when we kissed. Total turn-off. Judging from your general facial expression, I'd say you played before the mandatory helmet rule, eh? Heh heh heh." Mr. Larson makes a move to defend, but the nail in his skull (put back in place by Czervik earlier - what a joker) turns out to be an ideal lightning rod for a little Divine Retribution, like poor Fred experienced earlier. That's gotta hurt. "But don't take it personally, son. I mean, this world needs hockey players too. Maybe someday, you could graduate to a more manly sport, like figure skating. Heh heh heh heh!" Gilmore hears Czervik's laugh, and looks into his pudgy face, and in his already faint state of sanity, mistakes the laughing man for the clown that drove him to homicidal mania in the miniature golf course. "YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CLOWN!" Gilmore easily takes down Czervik, but then realizes that the officials are staring at him. "I didn't mean that, buddy. Now let old Happy make it up to you..." Needless to say, it's too little, too late. In conclusion, Gilmore is thrown out on his ear (into the waiting hands of Grudge Match Champions Bob Barker and Colonel Sanders for a long overdue rematch), Webb wins the tournament, Carl demolishes Grandma's flower bed before making some moves on the old lady, and Gilmore's caddy gets taken out with an errant champagne cork, courtesy of guess who. ("You scratched my cork!") Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go back to staring at the Manitoba Moose logo in the ice rink scene in Happy Gilmore, the only thing that caused me to smile in the entire movie. Go Manitoba! - Oxymoron - "IS THAT HOLE REGULATION SIZE OR WHAT?!" What is this BS about Anika Sorenstam dominating the PGA? Has the Grudge Match knuckled under the feminazi lobby? What happened to the anti-PC days, where you could unleash a Rottweiler's weight in chihuahuas against a bunch of tree-huggers? Now everything has to be nice and unoffensive (France and Star Trek fans don't count). Pretty soon you'll have My Little Ponies racing through the Lollipop Forest against Strawberry Shortcake! &$*@% liberals... - Rush Limbaugh Why do golf announcers always whisper? Are they afraid to wake us up on our couch? - ticklewigglejigglepickle Happy wins for three reasons: 1) Sure the constant heckling by Flaherty pissed off Happy, but after coming under the tutelage of Jack Nicholson, Gilmore has learned to manage his anger. 2) The chances of Christopher McDonald making love to sweet, old grandma are not 50-50. The first time Gilmore went to his happy place, it was Julie Bowen half-naked, wet from head to toe, and holding two pitchers of beer. It is the second time that Shooter starts "shooting" with grandma, but John failed to remember that he goes back one more time right before his big comeback in the Tour Championship! Not only do his girlfriend and grandma return, but Chubbs also makes an appearance while playing the piano. So the odds are stacked against another "shooting." Besides, the anger management course will prevent Happy from being pissed off enough to have to go to his happy place to begin with! 3) The score is tied on the final hole. Webb has just tapped in for par after an amazing shot off of Mr. Larson's head. Happy has a fifteen-foot putt to win the green jacket. Just as he lines up, though, a gopher comes flying out of the ground in front of him! "Great, now I've got a stupid gopher blocking my ball!" says a disgruntled Happy. It looks like Spackler finally got that gopher. Despite the impediment, Happy must take his shot. "Chubbs, I know you're going to help me with this one," says Happy. Gilmore proceeds to ricochet the ball off the gopher, then off Webb's head, then into Czervik's cup of beer. The occurence shocks Czervik into dropping his cup. The ball pops out of it and rolls into the hole! Incidentally, if I may make a request to John. Buddy, seek out Jack Nicholson yourself. I think you're going to need anger management after Hotbranch finishes kicking your ass! - Edge Caddyshack wins this one, thanks to one person, and one person only: The Predator. As we all know, Chubbs was a highly-trained spec ops operator, sent in to deal with the Predator. He barely escaped the first time (think that was an alligator that took his hand? Noooooooooo, it was an alien hunter. The gator thing was just a cover story.), and Predator won't be able to resist this opportunity to finish the job. I see Chubbs walking into the clubhouse to get Happy back onto the course(doubtless Gilmore was occupied watching a hockey game) when he see's Happy's gutted corpse hanging from the rafters. His eyes widen a fraction of a second before the Predator, this time sporting better, deadlier weapons, finally finishes the job. On the way out, Predator takes care of that pesky gopher. The tournament won, Czervik and Webb(and their caddies, including one Tracy- I mean, Danny) get nookie. - Matt L., "Nem" I've been listening Louis Farakan for some research I'm doing, and I think I understand this whole thing. It's just simple mathematics, twisted logic, and anti-semetic rhetoric. Let's see what Calypso Louis would do: First off, let me just say that this is a conspiracy! Take the year: 2008, multiply it by the number of Annika Sorrensen wins: 133, and that gives us 267,064, which is the number of proud Africans who died each month crossing the Atlantic. Conspiracy!! Slavery "ended" in 1865 (though we all know it still exists), which is also the number of new rappers emerging on MTV every year. Every rapper has to battle for $10,000 to make a video that would make as much money as the white rock star with the $100,000 video. Who has money? The jews have money!! A poor black family scrapes by at less than the poverty level, but a poor jew makes $78,000 a year. Now take $78,000, and multiply it by Adam "another jew" Sandler's opening drive of 400. You get 31.2 million, which is the population of African Americans in the US. Conspiracy! Wow!! Now someone explain to me how we're behind Japan and Europe in high school education. - Wise Ass This is how it goes...Adam, crippled by his well established RAGE, will be at the mearcy of the calmer TY. Becoming angrier and angrier at the growing gap in the score, he will tackle Ty, Bu-bu-bobby bushay style, at this, Bill murry will proceed to, in a haphasard fassion, Blow his Trap that will not work but will cause great pandimonium on the green, in the confusion, the Caddies, forgotten in your commontary, will switch Ty's ball with a remote controled one, (i belive this occured in the second one, but it may be a diferent movie as i hated caddy shack 2 and turned it off half way through) Ensuring Tys victory.......Plus, Even if they lose everybody STILL gets laid.. - *Imagine funnie name* You both forgot the REAL reason the Caddyshack crew are doomed: the Caddyshack Gopher. Let's face it, that poorly-animated furball was the real star of the movie, and everyone still thinks of it before Chevy, Bill, or Rodney. And what was its purpose in life? To give Spackler hell. That was it. Ruin the groundskeeper's life. The Gopher(tm) did such a good job that in the second one, Spackler wasn't there! He had scared off a man who didn't think twice about lacing a golf range with C4 and forced Dan Akroyd to replace him. No, I didn't sit through all of Caddyshack 2, but if the Gopher(tm) defeated the strongest of the Caddyshack crew then, what makes you think he won't completely embarrass them now? Happy's grandma gets her house back, again, and for the Caddyshack guys, no one gets laid. - Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee(Kenny Loggins? Bah! Hall & Oates were SO much better...) What's this? Annika Sorenstam making the cut at a men's tournament, never mind winning 133 in a row? Martha Burke running Augusta National? I'm accustomed to some weirdness in these matches, but this is insultingly implausible stuff. Nothing this crazy could ever come close to happening in real life. So I just won't participate. Have your little Bizarro Match. I'll just sit here and read the newspaper.
{ruffle, ruffle} ... hhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ... {pant, pant} Okay, you're not that bizarre after all. So, most grooms would put their golfing on hold during the honeymoon, so as not to infuriate the bride. Sa--er, Gilmore, of course, is a jerk, so he'll leave his new wife waiting while he finishes this match. Naturally he'll win, and if nobody else gets l--er, lucky, why should he care? He's got his. If she hasn't already instituted annulment proceedings, that is. Now that I'm done with that -- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh ...
- Call me Shane
Ya know why they named it golf? Because all the other four-letter words were taken.
- Affy
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